Desert Island Dicks - JOE SUTHERLAND

Episode Date: July 23, 2018

NEW DICKS! For this week's podcast I'm joined by excellent comedian Joe Sutherland. Be sure to follow the podcast @Dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Joe Sutherland. Hello, Joe. Hello. How are you? I'm all right, thank you. It's nice and cool in here. I don't deal with the heat veryland. Hello, Joe. Hello. How are you? I'm all right, thank you. It's nice and cool in here. I don't deal with the heat very well. No, okay.

It's been very hot recently. Mm. Mm. And how have you been? Um, wasting away, if anything. What I've learned is you can't do any work outside. I've been trying to embrace the heat for the first time in 30 years, and I've been, like been making myself actually get outside

and it's just horrible. Well, at least it'll be a few degrees cooler in Edinburgh, surely. Yes, indeed, next month. Okay. Joe, if you're happy to dive in, who's going to be your first choice for your island? First choice of someone I would not want to be stranded with is the Top Gear presenter, Richard Hammond, for your island first choice of someone i would not want to be stranded with is uh the top gear

presenter richard hammond or sorry former top gear presenter richard hammond okay now presenter of uh is it called the grand tour on yes yes yes oh crikey i mean i've not seen these shows but as far as i can tell they're for people who like cars, but don't like wearing nice jeans. And I just think Richard Hammond is the worst of that trio, because the other two, you almost can't blame them for being the examples of toxic masculinity that they are. Like, you just sort of feel like, oh, well, fair play. They're just like vapid meat sack beings.

They just sort of wander into work and they're like, oh, who do we hate today? Mexicans. Okay. And they just go with it. Whereas Richard Hammond, you sort of sense that he's like got

some slight more wits about him, but he's such a beater male that he just wants to impress the bigger boys. Oh my God, this is so good. Do you know what I mean? Do you remember that kid at school that would sort of be like, it'd be really funny if you sort of push the fire alarm and I didn't get in trouble for it.

It'd be really funny if you went up and kicked him so that then you're not kicking me. Yeah, it's exactly that, isn't it? Oh, wow. I've been waiting for the moment that someone picked Richard Hammond. Really? He's such a good choice, I think. I've always watched that programme and thought exactly those things.

So out of the three, though, you've picked Richard Hammond. Jeremy Clarkson is probably quite on for the island, right? But see, here's the thing. I know that if I was stranded with Jeremy Clarkson, and don't hate me, woke people of the internet, but I think I'd actually have fun if I was Jeremy Clarkson. And don't hate me, woke people of the internet, but I think I'd actually have fun if I was with Clarkson. Like, you know, we would get into like, I feel like we'd just like strip down to our pants and like wrestle

or like throw coconuts at birds in the trees and like have scoreboards. You know, like we'd have a real like basic laddie time and like quite enjoy it. Whereas Richard Hammond would just like talk. Oh, yeah. And it would grate. Yeah. And he just, I wouldn't want to look at him either. He looks.

Oh, it's a terrible look, isn't it? Oh, it's like the failed prototype of Rod Stewart. Yeah. Like someone's left Sue Perkins in the wash. I don't understand how you can be like that small and in no way adorable. If you break it down from head to toe, everything about him I don't like.

I don't like his hair. I don't like his little chokery band that he wears with a little shell on it and a necklace with an open shirt and a blazer, bootcut jeans to some shoes on the bottom. I just couldn't bear to look at him, I don't think. Such a good choice. Okay, Richard Hammond.

Dare I ask any more on Richard Hammond? I don't know what it is, but also I sense that he's clearly... His midlife crisis has definitely manifested in ankle beads. Do you know? And that's just, I think that's how you best summarise him. He is so ankle beads, isn't he? Okay, Richard Hammond, and who's going to be your second choice for your island?

My second choice would actually be the, in inverted commas, journalist Julia Hartley Brewer. Okay. Now this is probably a little more of a serious choice. Yeah, interesting. I just think she's a vile human being. Okay. Alright, please do indulge me. Well, I would say she's

the thinking man's Katie Hopkins but I'm aware that is an oxymoron. She is, you know, she's an apologist for the far right and for sort of TERFs and racists. And also, in fact, you know, I think she has a telegraph column where she has headlines such as,

you know, like, criticizing immigration numbers doesn't make you racist. You know, the headline might as well be, I am racist. I'm not a racist, but... Yeah, that's just her entire personal brand. And to the point where also, like, now I am not a woman,

but I try to be a feminist ally as much as possible. And it's so depressing to see someone with a large following and a large platform be so critical of feminism as well. And it's like you could be a leader of feminism within the right wing, but you're so critical. She refers to the feminazis, you know, like Kyle Butler. And, you know, she'll write articles along the lines of like,

oh, you know, the tampon tax is ludicrous. Like, you know, it doesn't really exist. Like, you're fine if you just buy, you know, reduced off-brand tampoons from Argos. And it's like, you're... Yeah, okay, yeah. Like, she has no intersectional sort of um sensibility or sort of is there a deliberateness about is she doing it to just is she doing it to raise profile is she's

doing it to stir things up what's the well that's maybe even more of a problem is that again like at least with katie hopkins as vile and disgusting as she is you know that she's doing she is walking clickbait whereas i think julia hartley brew is more dangerous because i think she does she is you know that she's doing she is walking clickbait whereas I think Julia Hartley-Brew is more dangerous because I think she does she is actually, she thinks of herself as being very centrist, she thinks she's just in the middle of things and speaking to like

you know, common sense whereas actually she espouses like really vile, hate-fuelled stuff and I think that's just coming from her genuine base of opinions. Oh. Yeah. It makes it so much worse.

Yeah. Doesn't it? It really does. Like, I think she's, if anything, I feel like she's sort of found the platform she has by accident by virtue of having these opinions. I think sort of people have been like, oh, we hate 99% people as well.

Why don't you have a radio show? Oh, no. Yeah, it's really hideous. Oh, wow. Okay. Julia Hartley Brewer. Okay, also a very choice. A very different choice to Richard Hammond,

but a very good choice indeed. Anything else on Julia Hartley Brewer before we... Oh, and then I don't like the colour of her hair. There I am being like, I'm a feminist ally, and then I don't like the colour of her hair. There I am being like, I'm a feminist ally. And then I criticise her looks. But like, stop buying like Pantene colours off the shelf. I'm sorry. What colour is it?

What colour is it? It's one of those like, it's not quite a purple. It's not quite a red. It's not quite a brown. It's a midline. Okay, yeah. That's so awful. The low blow comes after the very measured decision making.

Midlife crisis hair, I'm going to write down. Midlife crisis hair as reasoning. Who's going to be your third choice? Now, this one I sort of thought, and i'm reticent with this one i thought maybe all pe teachers okay now my brother is a pe teacher and i love him dearly he's perhaps my favorite person on the planet but his choice of career is dog shite um so we can i say dog shite? You can say, yeah, you can swear.

Yeah, feel free. Only because, like, I think they are the gatekeepers of misery. They have, you know, they're in a position of real responsibility. And yet I've yet to meet one, perhaps apart from my brother. So I'm hopeful that my brother will be like,

you know, the bringer of change in that field. But every PE teacher I had in school was just the worst specimen of a human being. Oh my God. You know, in that they were never sort of flexible or lenient in how maybe any of their students might feel uncomfortable or oppressed by, certainly, you know, PE is a very gendered subject in school. I think in most schools it's split, like girls and boys. Boys play rugby or football. Girls play, I don't know, singing. Hockey and dancing.

Hockey and dancing. I don't know, as a joke. Iockey and dancing. Hockey and dancing. I don't know. As a joke. I have no idea. Girls play looking in the mirror. No, I did. One of the schools I went to, I had to move schools a lot, can you tell?

I had a troubled time. But one of them I went to in GCSE year, you were allowed to mix up a bit more. So I chose all the girl subjects. And one of them was Pilates. Wow, okay, wow. Which basically meant an hour of laughing fits because everyone was still under 16. So we couldn't take it seriously that you had to take a deep breath

and think with your hymen. That's as much as I've retained from pilates um but yeah prior to that like you know across the board men and women um male and female p teachers it was all very much like i'm sorry you don't behave like a regular boy therefore i'm gonna have to put you in front of the rest of the class and like basically punish you and have you like perform some tedious task and everyone's going to sort of laugh at you and that's going to be carried with you for the rest of the week.

Oh, it's horrible, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I remember it. I remember it being just like really grim and it's just like, if you're a really laddy lad, then it's fine.

You can just knuckle down and get through it. But I remember just being in the changing room and thinking, oh God, I've all got to change right now. And I just didn't want to be a part of that situation. That's a slightly separate thing to the pressure from the teachers. But then you would also get ones who would march up and down the changing rooms. Oh, we had that, yeah.

Sort of making sure that you were... Everyone in the shower. Stripping appropriately. I don't want to get in the shower. They're like, you have to get in the shower. Okay, I'm going to get in the shower with I'm like I don't want to get in the shower they're like you have to get in the shower okay I'm going to get in the shower with most of my clothes on

and then they're like no take your clothes off and that is very odd isn't it for like a four year old man to be telling a 15 year old boy to take all his clothes off or we would

because we would go swimming at like the Coventry Olympic pool which is just around the corner from our school and so it was one of those them big changing rooms that had like benches like the Coventry Olympic pool, which is just around the corner from our school. And so it was one of those then big changing rooms that had like benches and cubicles. Right. So you could make a choice.

But they wouldn't let us use the cubicles. So some of the kids, you know, like my friend Usman, my friend who was not called Usman, you know, he was a large kid. And so he felt like a bit embarrassed to be getting checked because like other kids would tease him for his size and so he would try and go in the cubicles um mr butler would you know tell him off and like make him come out and get changed in front of everyone uh you know and i sort of didn't want to be like getting like naked and i would try and

sneak off and like every time you know and but then you're singled out for clearly wanting to be and put into a really vulnerable situation and that can really affect you for sure for the rest not just the rest of the week but maybe for the rest of your life

yeah no it was really gross yeah oh wow PE teachers yeah and I just remember because I remember having one who was our form tutor

and you know he'd clearly done like a sort of a 101 class in like sensitivity like basically how to detect when a student is gay and so he sort of like really you know clunkily tried to like be my mate um but the way he expressed this was uh he took me aside after a class and was like, look, I know you get given a hard time, which is, you know, understandable, but just to let you know, you're going to be really successful.

All of these other kids, they're going to be working at McDonald's and you're going to walk in with a ton of money and you're just going to laugh at them. I was like, that's not the best message to send. But then he was like, and you know, you could do anything. You could be a really good actor. You're going to win an Oscar, mate,

and you're going to go up to the stage and you're going to thank me. You're going to thank me for my support. But the one thing I don't want you to do, now this is the one thing I don't want you to do, Joe, when you win an Oscar and you get up to the podium, don't get up there and say, Mr. Butler is gay. What?

Why? Did he actually say this? Yeah, I don't know what his sort of logic here was. I think he was just trying to crack a joke. I think it was just along the lines of like, think of me when you're up there, but don't say I'm gay. I don't know if this was his sort of weird

way of trying to come out to me. Well, I'm just trying to tell you something just to say, look, Joe, I'm not gay. There's you in the eyes. Okay, all right. Interesting. Mr. Butler.

Yeah, like he was just, he was a prisoner of his own masculinity, I think. Okay. And so whenever he tried to sort of express any sort of softness, it just came out in the most convoluted and nonsensical ways. Okay. PE teachers, but maybe not your brother. Hopefully he's going to change things for everyone.

Yeah, no, I think my brother is the beginning of a new era. I think he's a very sensitive soul. Okay, good. Okay. Okay. Hopefully your brother will change things. Great. So, Joe, now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane,

there's some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? For food, I would maybe choose quinoa. Quinoa. Quinoa. Now, as an avid vegan vegan don't thank me now um i am often left with a choice of either

you know it's like quinoa or uh bread do you want bread can you eat bread um and it's just it's one of those ingredients like now don't get me wrong good source of protein and can be well flavored but that's therein lies the problem is you have to flavor the absolute piss out of it to actually make it into a decent food and it's just i'm sick of that being like the primary choice so sorry you said you're a vegan right yeah so is that difficult when you go out? When you go out I guess you're just scanning for the V every time you look for a menu and it's got to be is that it? I mean I'm very complimented that you've said menu as though you think I'm the

sort of person that eats exclusively in restaurants when truth is my diet is entirely Pret-a-Manger. So what does Pret serve for vegans then? It's quinoa is your option. Well, no, they actually do a really good vegan mac and cheese. Okay. Yeah, but obviously not cheese. Oh, great. It's some sort of nut cream.

Okay, great. And they do a great baguette with like olive tapenade. Okay, that is quite good actually. Yeah, it's pretty damn good. But specifically quinoa, I can't say that I've ever had an outstanding experience of quinoa. Well, that's it. In itself, it lacks any real, you know, flair.

And it relies on accompaniment. I suppose. Yeah, it's very much a... What is it? Is it like a type of rice? Or what is it? I think it's a sort of sprouting grain. A sprouting grain?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's never the feature player, I think. Okay. It's always a backing singer. It's a... Secondary. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a Cheryl Cole. It's a... Secondary, yeah. Yeah. It's a Cheryl Cole. It's like rice, right? Yeah, no, I guess it can be had as a rice substitute, but why would you have it when you could just have delicious rice? Yeah, okay. Quinoa. Quinoa's going to be your food choice.

Anything else on quinoa? And then, obviously, it's just got its class associations. I sort of hate myself for having become the London prick that will regularly buy quinoa and resent myself for doing so. But there's just something about, like, I sort of pass it on the shelf and I'm like, well, I am the sort of person that would have that in my flat, so I guess I have to buy it. You just put it in.

I was doing that for ages with kale and I was chucking it out and I was just like, I think the only reason I'm buying this is because I feel like I might be the person that buys it. I just want to be seen at the supermarket buying it. I wish they could validate you at the tip. Am I the type of person that buys this? They're like, no, actually.

And I'm like, okay, I'll leave it. No, dear, the cabbage is on an aisle. Yeah, that's it. Just shred that up. Okay, Keem, what's No, dear, the cabbage is on an aisle. Yeah, that's it. Just shred that up. Okay, Keem, what's going to be your drink choice? Drink choice, maybe like a cream soda. Okay.

Quite neat. How often are you getting a cream soda? Now, perhaps only once or twice a year on a certain kind of hangover. Okay. When it's on a balmy summer's day and you go to like a proper corner shop

I don't know why I say proper you know like a real deal corner shop where all the drinks

you know you've got like Coca-Cola and Pepsi and stuff but then they've also got all the like 39p cans

like the K.A. Cola which is delicious by the way that is really good yeah the grape one yeah it is good yeah or you know I love a ginger beer Yes. Like the K.A. Cola, which is delicious, by the way. Yeah, that is really good, yeah. The grape one. Yeah, yeah.

It is good, yeah. Or, you know, I love a ginger beer. I love a canned ginger beer. Yeah, me too. But they'll also have like a range of bar drink. Now, bar who make iron brew. Iron brew, great. My dad's Scottish.

I have it running through my veins. Okay. But bar also do a range of other drinks. Like, clearly all of all of their assets and resources at the factory are ploughed into Iron Brew to make it this delicious, mysterious taste. Every other drink they produce, dog shite. Oh, really? It's just no good? Everything is off.

Everything is off kilter. So this cream soda, I there are there's two words that just shouldn't be combined anyway cream and soda but somehow it tastes like did you ever have

flumps yes like marshmallows yes so yeah I remember I never really liked sweets

but I remember having them as a kid and they made me sick like I I vommed up pure like flump

foam and that's what this cream soda tastes like it's like They made me sick. I vommed up pure, like, flump foam. And that's what this cream soda tastes like. It's like regurgitated flump. Flump, that's disgusting. Yeah, in like a really thin liquid that sort of like runs off your tongue in a weird way. Like it doesn't stay. That's horrible. Yeah.

And so you're just like, I don't know what this is that it can sort of taste like flump vom and like I'm licking a car oh okay and I know it's a thinly veiled conceit

but if you had to drink that for the rest of your life on this des island that's going to be pretty grim right that combined

your options are cream soda and quinoa plain for the rest of your life I mean I could, I could experiment. I could mix the two. Yeah.

Okay, yeah. And, you know, maybe, presumably I can make a fire. Yeah, well, you can do what you like. It's your island. I'll be making a fire and having, like, wrestling matches with Clarkson.

Yeah. And, like, breaking coconuts on our skulls. You and Clarkson just bullying Richard Hammond. Although you didn't actually pick Clarkson. Yeah. And like breaking coconuts on our skulls. You and Clarkson just bullying Richard Hammond. Although you didn't actually pick Clarkson, he's just there. Yeah, he's there now in spirit. But I think I could make a fire and I could probably like reduce the cream soda down.

That is quite good, yeah. I could cook that down to a sort of, I don't know, we'll sort of see what's left. Yeah, sort of paste to create like a curry. Yeah, that's quite curry yeah I could use like coconut milk yeah that is good actually and some yakka

I don't know I watched the island once they eat that right I don't know okay I don't even know what that is it grows in the ground I don't know

oh great I love that yeah cream quinoa yakka curry yeah okay great I'm sure it'd be vegan as well yeah

brilliant okay so cream soda is going to be vegan as well yeah yeah brilliant um okay so cream soda is gonna be a drink you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Joe, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. Great. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two

working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song. What's going to be your, well, it's up to you favourite song what's going to be your well it's up to you what are they going to be and why I think for the film I would go with was it Tim Burton's version of Sweeney Todd yeah I've seen that go on

because now Sondheim has produced some great standalone songs but I can't stand his musicals that don't have gaps between the singing. Okay. And then when you combine that with the singing being done by Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, oh, that's a whiny three hours and it's just like I hate any musical

where they're just you know it's filler in between it's very much just like I am sitting

in a chair how are you today oh I've been better but I could get a coffee if you're up for it that is unnecessary yeah like pipe down take a breath just have a

chat and then sing a nice song yeah don't just do all this bit now the what the what there's always got to be um now i know this is a phrase that has been debunked um but is it the the exception that proves the rule um so that's actually like not, I don't know, someone who went to Oxford was like, actually that phrase is incorrect, but piss off. But the exception that proves the rule is Dreamgirls. Now that is an amazing musical. And I'm very glad that they never stop singing.

I never want them to stop singing. Do they not sing? Stop. Basically, there's like a few spoken lines, but all the rest, like it's all, there's like a few spoken lines, but all the rest, like, there's always a bed of music, and it's all very fast-paced, and it's like, we gotta get to the show! Yeah. It's just amazing. But I bet the music's

really good. Oh, yeah, it's the time. And they all have, like, they all have freakishly good voices. Okay. I don't know if you go to Western musicals. I've been to a few, yeah. But you know how they will always, like, in every production, there'll be, like, clearly two people who were just born with, like, mutant throats, and you're like,

how can you do this every day, sometimes twice a day, for, like, ten years of your life? It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah, it's astounding. It's amazing, yeah. And they're in. That's my hatred of this film, because they've taken a show that requires very strong singers

and given it to some weak ass motherfuckers but you hear Helena Bonham Carter she's singing in all sorts isn't she she's in quite a lot of things singing is she in Les Mis she is isn't she with Sacha Baron Cohen with with Sacha Baron Cohen

isn't she Sacha Baron her and Sacha Baron Cohen run the is Sacha Baron Cohen in Les Mis unless I'm getting mixed up he runs the

are you thinking of Borat yeah Borat the musical no I'm so sure that those two in Les Mis run the like

not Orphanage or the or the oh yeah right they do surely not that they're good it's not that they're good singers I can't remember it's that like

I mean I have different reactions to both her singing and Johnny Depp's with her it's that very like I'm a posh person who can do anything I like and nobody's ever told me otherwise

and it's like no you're not great at everything don't get me wrong I'm really excited to see her in series three of The Crown but she's not

going to sing in that no okay I'm very glad about that is it specifically Sweeney Todd because of those two or is it just all of those films

with non-stop singing apart from Dreamgirls? It's perhaps all of it but I don't know. There's just a certain smug whiny whiteness to Sweeney Todd. I remember seeing it and thinking it was really long.

It's so long. Mate, you don't get those six hours back. No. Feels like six hours back. Okay, Sweeney Todd for the rest of your life, and perhaps maybe even a box set of similar films that you get to go through. You're like, no, why, why, why? Okay, and what's going to be your song choice?

Oh, now this is a very tough one. Now, I might subvert this one slightly, because it's like a song that I hate that I love okay basically that's good

it's Black Magic by Little Mix is that what it's called yeah yeah yeah because it's obviously like a massive banger. It's a really great tune.

But it's one of those songs that you resist. You're like, I'm not going to like, I'm sorry, I'm better than this. And you spend so long thinking like, I'm not that person. That's very off brand. And so I had been slagging off my very good friend Stephen Bailey, who's a very good comedian, because he's like... Basically, we lampoon each other, because I think we have relatively similar backgrounds,

but he's still really common. And so I like to mock him for that and say that I'm the social climber that's done well. This is really gross. I can that like I'm the social climber that's done well this is really gross I can't believe I'm saying this and very revealing

it's only because like this one time he came to stay at my house and I was like you know come and have a sleepover you know

bring whatever you need bring a book his book was what's her name out of Girls Aloud the one that's not all the others

you know the filler I'm just going to try and think of it the chemo of the band Kimberly Kimberly yes there we go

Kimberly Walsh it was her I feel bad for just knowing that that was the one you were talking about as well God bless her she's actually now in fact

I would like to see her in a West. She has been Princess Fiona in Shrek for some years and I would very much like to go and see that. Sorry, can we have some free tickets? I really want to be your friend. Where did I even, how did I even get to this? Oh yeah, so my mate Stephen

came over to stay at my house and his book of choice was Kimberley Walsh's autobiography. And so, you know, I was like mocking him for this and mocking him for his love of Little Mix and sort of trying to like get all, you know, I'm middle class now, I get to be better than you, which is a gross position to have. And this was really presented to me when

i was on a run and i was listening to spotify and it was on shuffle and so it was you know how shuffle it runs on these algorithms where it's like i see you i know what you really are i know i know your core being and so it played me a run of little mix songs starting with this black magic tune and i had to stop running because i was smiling too much that's how much i was enjoying the song and so if anything that song represents my own guilt around my own snobbery okay like it just sort of it stops me in my tracks and says like you absolute pretentious prick. How dare you? Like, this is pure joy.

How dare you think you're better than this? It is joyous, isn't it? Yeah, how dare you think you're better than absolute like liquid love poured into your ears? It's just probably the best song ever written. But it makes me feel like a terrible, terrible human being. For listening to it, yeah. Yeah.

I think that they're really, I think they. For listening to it, yeah. Yeah. I think that they're really, I think they're great. They're just great. They write all their songs, right? They write those songs. Probably. Even if they don't, I don't even care. Yeah, it's just good. Because they're just like four normal, like, down-to-earth,

we're just four normal, like, down-to-earth lasses from, like, really different down-to-earth parts of the country. I love them, I love them. It's good. Oh, amazing. Black Magic, Little Mix. Yeah, I heard somewhere recently that they were sick of having to share the profits, so they just started writing their own songs.

Fair play. Great, right? Well, that's what the Spice Girls did. Did they? Yeah, they cracked the mould. Because they were obviously like a sort of manufactured group to begin with they'd all answered an open audition call

and so they were sort of like going through loads of rehearsals and studio process that was trying to make them like a really bland group and they said scrap this we're gonna like be our own thing and so they literally raided the studio they broke into the studio

they'd been working in stole the master tapes and ran off to Simon Fuller's office and said look we've got these tapes we think we're really good these guys don't know

what they're doing with us but we think we've got potential can you sign us oh that's amazing all the best girl groups have been like self-directed

Girls Aloud as well in fact they had to manage themselves because of course they won a reality show and straight up like because louis walsh like doesn't actually give a crap like he creates these bands and then he's just like i've had i've got my paycheck for my tv i'm going home so they managed themselves they would drive themselves to gigs they in fact in fact i think kimberly was like the mother hen god bless her she would like dress the others

she would pick out the outfits and like make sure they were all on time and they'd get to the gigs and do their own sound checks. I think we probably need to do like an official apology. You're not the key model of the band. You're not the key model of the band.

You did everything. What are you? You're the halloumi. You make it work well while we're sharing facts I think JLS are meant to be really rich right because that's why because of the condoms

oh right of course they did I think I've still got one that I've kept as like a memento I thought they wrote all their own songs did they? I don't know probably I hope so clever boys yeah one of them bought a farm one of them bought a farm? yeah I thought they wrote all their own songs, did they? I don't know. Probably, I hope so.

Clever boys. Yeah. One of them bought a farm. One of them bought a farm? Yeah. What does it have on it? JB, he has a farm. He owns a farm.

He runs a farm. That's his thing now. Yeah. Like with animals. Like a farm. He raises boy bands. He does. Oh, wow. I want to go to that farm. Yeah. He does a show. he raises boy bands he does oh wow yeah

I want to go to that farm yeah he does a show I know about it because he does a show about it for CBeebies and my kids watch it

aww yeah he does it's called Down on the Farm Down on the don't be down on the farm no I know be up

be up um okay little mix back magic and finally Joe the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Okay, this is going to be controversial.

Because this is a very popular animal. People love them. Dog. Yes. I'm so behind this. I hate dogs. Oh, God. They're so stupid.

Yeah. And, like, dominant of any room, you know, it's just like, you bring them into any space and they're just like, well I'm here does everyone know that I'm here? I'm still here, are you going to touch me? Please touch me!

Just calm down, I'm minding my own business if you could follow my example I think I've got a bit of a, I think people know me Calm down. I'm minding my own business. If you could follow my example. I think I've got a bit of a, I think people know me as a bit of a dog hater on this podcast. Really? I don't hate them.

I just really don't like them. They're just so needy. I think dogs are so needy. Yeah. Cats just go out and they do their thing. They come back in. You don't have to take them for a walk. Cats just go out and they do their thing. They come back in. You know, you don't have to take them for a walk. They're kind of like just swan about the place. And they're not like constantly wanting your attention.

In fact, you have to struggle to get a cat's attention. Yeah, I really respect that. I do as well. As Dylan Moran says, you never own a cat, you know a cat. Yeah, I would love to have a cat. I don't think my boyfriend would be keen on like he doesn't he doesn't like that about cats he doesn't like that you have to struggle for their attention but i think when he says that he's really talking about me and i think he doesn't want a cat because he knows that then he'd be outnumbered in the relationship by two sort of emotionally unavailable, self-involved preening little pricks.

Whereas he's probably the dog of the operation. If you listen to this. But yeah, dogs are very needy. You have to go out and you have to pick up their shit. Oh, there's so much admin with dogs, man. Like, you've got to buy

bags and a scoop and a lead. And then that lead might not go with all of your outfits. So you might have to buy multiple leads. And they just, if they get wet, like if they go anywhere near water, that means your house is going to reek for a year. Oh, they stink. They stink. And they're just so stupid.

They just tear stuff up. Like a cat might scratch a few things. A dog is going to tear up your bin bags. A dog is going to like pull down your curtains. A dog is going to eat your sofa. And then ask for thanks as well. There may be shit in your living room. Oh, you know when they're little puppies as well

and they sort of, you have to train them out of like pooing in a comfortable setting. You have to be like, no, excreting is a really shameful public process that you have to go through, get outside. But when they're new puppies and they'll sort of like, they'll see that you're sat on the sofa watching the TV, so they're like, oh, that's where friendship is.

So they sort of walk in front of you to be like i'm comfortable and they like shiver out a little curly poo and sort of look at you like is that good and you have to scream at them and be like no and then hit them on the nose why would anyone be a dog? Horrible. Yeah, dogs. I mean, I know a lot of people like them. And also people just, you know, if you've not got a lot going on,

then get yourself a dog. Suddenly people want to talk to you. You've got something to post about on Instagram. Yeah. Great. Sorry to everyone that likes dogs. We've just lost loads of business. Sorry to, yeah, probably 90% of people listening to this. Anything else on dogs?

And then also just like the breeding is a bit gross. How, you know, if you buy like a French bulldog or something, or a pug or anything with a sort of inside-out face, it's like you're supporting this weird sort of eugenics that creates creatures that are, they're dying as soon as they're born. They're just walking around like, Oh, that's interesting.

Can I please have some oxygen? No, no, no, no. Make your face smaller. Enough of these nostrils. Pan face. Yeah. Anything else on dogs? I'm weary of dogs.

Yeah. I've been weary of dogs for 30 years. Yeah. I can't be, yeah. I tried to get with it. At one point I did think, oh, am I a person that wants a dog and very quickly realised I wasn't

I just went to a friend's house and I was like oh god this is hard work I was hoping you didn't mean like I got a dog oh no to the road with you to the motorway put you out to pasture back to the wild

the wild ok dogs that's brilliant out to pasture back to the wild wild okay dogs that's brilliant thank you so much for coming on Joe it's been really interesting so you're going to

be in Edinburgh next month yes I am at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival where are you going to be in a venue

called Underbelly Bristow Square at ten past eight in the, with a show called Toxic. Okay. Named after the Britney song and the masculinity. Oh, great.

Okay. Can you indulge any more? It's just a sort of a chatty, funny show. He's still writing it. Yeah. I'll tell you in about seven. He's still writing it. Yeah. I'll tell you in about seven days when I've written it. It's a show about just some of the things we've in fact touched on.

How wonderfully thematic of me. Interesting. About, you know, sort of being told that there's only a few select ways of being a boy or a girl and, like, you know, realising that that's a lie. Okay. But it should be good.

Looking forward to it. It's a nice time of day. So post-dinner or even pre-dinner, if you're fancy. Nice. I feel like that's what fancy people do. They go to a show and then they go to dinner afterwards and discuss the show right nice okay

not like my family we'd go to like a Toby Carvery at 3pm to make sure we're good and fed before the panto we'll have the not the house wine just the second one down so we look more classy than we are and we'll discuss Joe's show.

And if people want to find you on social media, where can they find you? On Twitter, it's at Joe Sutherland underscore. J-O-E-S-U-T-H-E-R-L-A-N-D underscore. That's so great. For the listeners, this is a Sunday. I did struggle with spelling my own name. And on Instagram, Joe Modity. J-O-M-O-D-I-T-Y. Excellent.

Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much for coming in. Thanks for having me. All right. Have a great time. See you later. Cheers. Bye.