Desert Island Dicks - JOEL GOLBY

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

Writer and Journalist Joel Golby joins Dan via a computer to talk about all the worst people and things he could be stuck on an island with. That shouldn't surprise you, given it's the premise of this podcast, and always has been. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, currently recording this on a Sunday evening whilst my cat purrs on the bed beside me

and my son is being corralled to have his bath. It's a fairly cosy scene of family life. However, the episode you're about to listen to was recorded on a grey, damp autumn Monday afternoon, which is maybe one of the most dickish kinds of day, so the stage was set for some serious dick naming. This podcast features Joel Golby, who's a writer and journalist who writes for Vice, The Guardian,

and many other places besides, and he's great, so I absolutely recommend checking out his work. If you enjoy listening to these podcasts, but wish that you could tell the world about the people and things that annoy the crap out of you, well, now you can, because every Friday we also put out our companion podcast, Compact Dicks, which are short little episodes where me and former host James Deacon read out your picks for who and what should be put on an island. And you know what?

Given we're currently in lockdown, the weather is balls, and it seems to get dark at lunchtime, it might make you feel a bit better. So tell us who and what you hate at dixpod.com slash contact and have your say. Also, it's really nice if you subscribe and give us a rating too, and that way you'll never miss an episode of either Compact Dicks or Desert Island Dicks. Speaking of Desert Island Dicks,

the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is writer and journalist Joel Golby. You forgot actor. I'm doing well, thank you. So yeah, before I did say I'd introduce you as actor, writer and journalist Joel Golby. You forgot actor. I'm doing well, thank you. So yeah, before I did say I'd introduce you as actor, writer and journalist. Yeah, I've already thrown you off there, haven't I? This is a great start. We can mess around on this. It doesn't have to be a straight shot. That's cool. How are you doing today?

Yeah, I'm good. But in the exercise of doing this, in the exercise of bringing up a list of people that I don't like, I think I've had to reassess my relationship with hatred and the deeper, the bone-deep nature of myself by trying to compile a list of three people that I can say in a light-hearted way that I wouldn't want to get marooned on a desert island with. Because I started searching all of my tweets that I've done over the past 10 years for the word hate to see what things I've consistently hated for however long. And it was a treasure trove, frankly. But I don't know, I kind of realised how negative a person I am

and how many things I hate for really sort of facile reasons. And it made me reassess a lot of things. So in answer to your question, how how are you i'm seven out of ten but i'm on the cusp of an existential crisis that's i think that sort of goes with the territory these days i mean even if you're not compiling a list of everything awful in the world i mean you know the the stage is set for quite an average day you know today it's sort of like just gray autumn day it's not really raining it's not really dry it's kind of you know there's a sort of like dampness around you know so i mean

these are prime desert island dicks conditions i think you know is this normally the energy that that we go into this podcast because i'm somehow more depressed than when we started five minutes ago. Oh, I'm sorry. It's horrible. This is a horror. Well, I tell you what, let's get stuck in and we'll see if, you know, it can be some kind of cathartic sort of experience for both of us. Yeah. In casting off our hate. Yes. Maybe we can sort of come out the other end just feeling lighter of spirit.

It's a long shot. You know what? Let's just turn this into therapy shall we you look unconvinced but let's give it a go let's give it a go who's going to be the first person to join you on the island well okay this was tricky i found people trickier than things i think hating people is is an art to hating people so for instance today i i woke up and you know i did my usual thing where i i checked twitter before i get out of bed and it's a classic thing with twitter is there's there's a main character every day and it's your goal not to be them and so i quickly found who the main character was what what stupid bilge they tweeted and what people were sort of sincerely replying to it and within within i would say 15 minutes of waking up even before

getting out of bed i'd already found someone who i'd never knew before and who doesn't know i exist i barely know they exist but i'd already found someone to dislike with my day so I'd found someone and and this is where I started thinking none of this is healthy behavior so I went sort of deep into this rabbit hole of just some person who did not curiously replied to the main tweet of the day and I like found their YouTube videos of their stand-up routines, which all had like 26 views, like a really heartbreakingly low number of views, not even a significant enough number to sort of really dunk on, to say that this is a person of substance who I can hate.

And then I watched like three or four of them. I've now probably watched out of a sort of perverse interest like i don't know something very ghoulish within me but i've probably seen more of their stand-up of this person than possibly anyone else alive and i did it not even for a joke i just did it i don't i got nothing out of it it wasn't funny it wasn't good I didn't contact them and say you should stop doing this, it's not really working for you and this is all before I even got out of bed today

and I was like, obviously I can't put that person on, my first person is Eamon Holmes, obviously but I can't put an insignificant a person who's done nothing a completely inoffensive person who's just living their life and putting out their substandard comedy routines i can't say that they are the

most the person i would least like to end up on a desert island with on earth but i would say out of the people i've hated today and it's only about 20 to 3 now they're they're number one that's quite strange that the internet allows us to do that i think yeah yeah it's really bizarre isn't it and i think sometimes with the sort of average people like that it's sort of they can sort of you get this idea of who they are and that can almost stick in your mind like as if they were a sort of celebrity or something you know like yeah just that weird guy commenting on something can just sort of lodge in your brain and it's almost worse because you're less likely to meet them than you would be to meet a celebrity

so you'll never have any closure no there's no point talking to them no there's no point engaging there's no point chasing it down but somehow you end up like 72 weeks deep onto their instagram and you can like see the moment they broke up with the other girlfriend they had before this or whatever and you're like again i still haven't had a coffee today and i know these weird interior details of someone's life for a joke do you ever do that do you it's not it's not hate follow and it's not an admiration follow it's in this weird gray zone of just like it's like slowing down to look at an accident do you do that with people a little bit i think it's something i think it's something to do with as you get older the amount of times you meet new people decreases

so like increasingly you have people you work with and people you already know and like friends and family and stuff and so most people you know are like you so when you actually sort of meet a stranger who doesn't fit into your camp of like i work with this person i'm related to this person or i have this person is a friend you're kind of like oh right so what kind of life is this then this is like a new sort and i think that's why people always say that their parents are mad because they've basically spent time with fewer and fewer people yeah their foibles have been exacerbated over time just like oh no your father won't eat it like that you know yeah and that's why we all sort of just slowly go mad as we get older so i think it's like when you just

see someone leaving like living a sort of alternative life it isn't necessarily worse or better than yours it's just different you're like oh okay all right is that that's how this works then yeah i don't know they're just that's exactly it they're just they're just out there living a life a completely unbothered life completely untouched by here it's just strange that i can do that and i can observe i can observe through a window just sort sort of loom at the edge of their life and go, that wasn't a very funny joke that you put on YouTube. It's not healthy. Anyway, so remind me again, the plane has crashed.

Yeah, the plane has crashed. You're stuck with the three people that you'd least like to spend time with on an island. Am I injured? So let's say that you're not injured. You're all healthy. You may become injured, you know, over time in the survival. That's on me.

Yeah, that's up to you guys. But we'll start you off in the best health possible. Okay, all right. Well, whatever state I'm in, it's Eamon Holmes. Okay. And the thing is, like, I don't even hate Eamon Holmes okay and the thing is like I don't even hate Eamon Holmes he he inspires very little in in me and I assume in everyone else but I think that's why he's lived rent-free inside my head for as many years as he has because Eamon Holmes has been on tv like as long as I

have been alive and I still don't understand why because he's completely inept at presenting he's very I find him very very charmless he sort of clonks around the set, he has an air of shambolic about him, a bit like

Mr Blobby sort of crashing through a doorway you always feel like Eamon Holmes is going to like tip over a pan of bolognese that someone's just made or like break a sofa for a joke. And he co-presents quite often on This Morning with his wife who seems to hate him as well. So you've basically been invited into someone's home

to watch a not particularly likeable couple bicker with each other while just about stitching together a few a few sort of a cooking bit or like a how to style a skirt and aban holmes is just there on the edge not being funny not getting on cue not hitting his lines just just causing trouble i just don't understand i don't understand how he's still a presence in in british culture whoever looked at eamon holmes and went i want to see that man on tv i would say 40 hours a week that's what i want it's mad isn't it because it's like yeah as you say like he's not that good at doing what he does he's not even sort of like

charming or good looking at least if you're like, oh, but yeah, obviously they put him on. Cause you know, all the board housewives in the morning, you know, a bit of amen, but he's not that.

And it's like, well, he's not funny. If, if it is, you know, if we sort of go with stereotypes and presume it is a sort of majority female audience watching him, then like,

he's probably not, you know, he's doesn't, he seems like quite a sort of yeah like you say like a cumbersome old sort of man that isn't you know he's a sofa that someone put in his suit i don't understand like no one's waking up and being like i can't wait to turn the tv on and see amon holmes did you hear what amon said this morning so insightful that dishy fucker once again just so succinct his timing is so brilliant he

throws to ads at just the right time he never gets confused at satellite delays with a link to someone in america he's the perfect person no one ever says that they're like uh here's avon homers again a stain on your favorite t-shirt in the form of a man and also i think because he has been in telly at such a sort of that uh point in the in the schedule for such a long time he's probably not very cheap either i bet he's expensive so it's like you're getting this package but it still costs quite a lot of money it's the worst value that we have but But again, it's just, I don't know. I think there's something strange and inherent in, it says a lot about like Britain

that we allow Eamon Holmes to happen at the particular luxurious price bracket he occupies the incredible like spot on the schedules that he always seems to be in. Because in the past couple of years it's been this really strange like uh this news subculture i've noticed it especially since i i got an android phone and switched from iphone to android so on android like a lot of news services like do push notifications and get on all your phones and i noticed before i really like tailored my own

dad so now it just sends me football scores and really boring things like that but it would just constantly tell me some sort of half thing that had happened on either good morning britain or this morning that day and there's this weird like race to write up what the the main talking point of this morning was or like the mirror of the sun the express websites i don't understand why because it's not interesting when you watch it and so when they write it up and go like aben holmes clunked into something again because it's useless fucking absolute waste of a presenter slot but i would just get these push notifications constantly just going like you won't believe what abram holmes said in this interview and then you watch the clip and it's just him sort of

clunking over someone or talking or getting their name wrong or doing something like that he's a very uninspiring man someone who occupies a similar space would be, I suppose, Richard Madeley. But somehow he's got a bit of charm about him, you know. Madeley is dynamite. Madeley is gold dust. Madeley is a one-off. You know when Madeley's on camera that something's going to happen. He's a spinning top. He can go in any direction.

You don't know what he's going to do, who he's going to direct a question to. Quite often the line of fire is like his own female co-hosts. Maitley is live wire. He's TV gold. Whereas Eamon Holmes just sort of clunks around. He slumps into view. Yeah. It's almost like they're siblings, you know?

It's like, Richard, take Eamon with you when you go to do your telly. No, take him with you. And you're like, oh, Mum, but I've got a new contract. I can't bring Eamon with you when you go to do your telly. No, take him with you. And you're like, oh, Mum, but I've got a new contract. I can't bring Eamon. He's like, take him with you. Yeah. Like Eamon Holmes' mum is friends with your mum.

And whenever he comes over, he has to play on your N64 or your mum will shout at you. And he always has chocolate on his hands. He smears it on the controller he like loses all you've been working really hard on Mario 64, you've got loads of lives but he keeps like jumping

off the same very simple ledge he's that sort of presence but on TV for about 600 grand a year, he baffles me and then I think how frustrating I would find him in a survival situation doing his little quips. Yeah, because I could imagine that he'd be both useless

but also very opinionated on how things were being done. Like a lot of mansplaining and a lot of kind of sort of going off into anecdotes which don't really help or even relate to the subject that much. But, you know nothing that's useful you can sort of go look all you have to do is carry this firewood with me like not as much as me because i know you're famous but just a bit carry some sticks and he'd still sort of fuck it up somehow yeah i just don't think he'd be very survivalist i think he'd

do weird things like carve a roof out of a palm tree and talk to her and stuff like that i just you know and i wouldn't want to eat him in a do i do i have to eat someone in this in this scenario is there food come down with the plane as well well we're gonna get on to your least favorite food later but i mean i would never rule out the it's it's also Eamon Holmes so we can just get out of the way early but yeah I just me Eamon Holmes a plane crash on an island I just I don't think we'd have much to say yeah no I agree and I just yeah I just think he would like you say just sort of be a combination between like a sort of a difficult celebrity who's like maybe a bit of a prima donna and also like an annoying younger brother at the same time you know so that's the last thing you want to really

be stuck with but then um to distract you slightly who's going to join the two of you then on the island who's going to be your second choice well the thing is the way my list has gone and I've only just realised it now. It's very anti-Irish and that's not deliberate. I didn't mean to do that but the next person is also from that island and it's

Conor McGregor. Okay, yeah. In many ways similar to Eamon Holmes. Yeah, I don't know why. The thing with Conor McGregor, right? I think there's a lot of alternate paths in my life that I could have taken where I'd be a complete Conor McGregor head.

Like I'd be a complete nutter for Conor McGregor. And I think whatever I think about Conor mcgregor personally and in this situation i think we will get out if we crashed on an island we just our energies are very different i think he'd be doing a lot of shadow boxing a lot of running around uh wasting his own energy he'd put me in a lot of headlocks for what seems fun at the start but after the third or fourth day without food actually gets very tiresome he'd use up resources because his you know his metabolism requires more calories than mine so he would necessarily be in line to take a larger portion of an exotic bird we might kill or something like that and

then obviously Eamon Holmes is gobbling up the rest but I think to me Conor McGregor is like he's representative of something it's not necessarily the man himself although I don't think we'd get on is is the the strange cult of personality that he he erected around himself and it's strange because if i did like him as a sportsman i would think it's sick i i i would think what conor mcgregor does like the way he's like branded himself out of mma he did that very insane boxing match and made a fortune he's got like his own whiskey company you know he's he's endorsed him brands all over the place he sort of turned himself from this sport that when he was first in it wasn't mega showbiz huge in the way it is now and he's sort of gone up with the sport in a way that you

can argue he kind of helped redefine it and bring it mainstream and he's made himself a sort of huge floating monolith of a brand and made a lot of money from it which all of which i i respect like fair enough to turn being really good at getting kicked into the face, like, into that. Fair enough. But when I compare him to sportsmen like Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who I'm a big fan of because I do like what he does on the football pitch, but he sort of does the same thing. He has this big sort of charade, this sort of stupid brand where he calls himself like a tiger and talks in the third person and sort of has this

very huge deliberate ego thing going on like i am zlatan i'm gonna save the mls and stuff like that but i think that's fine i like it way less in conor mcgregor because i just don't really follow his sport because you have to stay up very late to watch MMA. It's not really my vibe. And I think it's kind of strange that I can admire basically the same behaviour in one lap and not be so into it in another. But then there is something about the sort of fallout of Conor McGregor,

the kind of people who like him on Facebook and buy his whiskey and sort of live very alternate lives to me. Yeah, I think he just seems like just a sort of difficult, problematic kind of individual. I think the nature of his sport, you have to be so full of self-belief. Yeah. I mean, there's some sort of fighters and boxers

who seem fairly sort of nice and easygoing and stuff but like so many of them like you have to be so convinced that you're the dog's bollocks and you're never gonna lose that like it must take years to switch off from that or maybe you never do but having that energy on an island where probably the best thing to do is all just become you know like lose any sense of ego or sense of self and just band together as best you can having someone like that on who you know will never be defeated and is the best of all time and and like aggressively so as well you know yeah yeah that would just be exhausting and also you can't ever tell him to shut up because he'll kill you well yeah this is the thing it's a bit like if you if you ever got

paired with like the hard kid for a group project at school, you kind of had to listen to whatever they were saying, even if it was really stupid, because of the necessary hierarchy that comes from them being five or ten times harder than you. So you'd end up in a science project and someone would just go like, well, why don't we just invent Facebook?

And you have to be patient with that idea just go like well why don't we just invent facebook and you you have to be patient with the idea and go like yeah i mean what we're doing here really is testing the ph of certain waters when they've had elements in it but we can we can keep invent facebook as plan b obviously and then they go no well why don't we just i't we just go with my idea which is invent Facebook and then you lose a lot of time I think that would I think Conor McGregor on an island with me and Eamon Holmes would just be constantly

either trying to kill me or invent Facebook and he would really be very helpful like getting coconuts down from trees and hunting or getting fresh water. He'd be trying to find a mobile phone on the beach because he's convinced that that's how they appear in nature

or something like that. It would be a waste of time. I can sort of imagine as well, he's the sort of person who'd play incessant but very aggressive practical jokes like i don't know you know it start off one day he throws a load of water on you in your sleep and then the next day it'd be like filling your shelter with scorpions and then the next day you know just like progressive like and no one else is getting off on it like even amens is sort of wincing as as it happens and he's like god do you like that one huh lads like that and you're like

yes connor as you like pick fucking poisonous huh? Lads, do you like that? And you're like, yes, Connor. As you pick fucking poisonous spores out of your eyes or whatever. Yeah, exactly. I think a lot of piss would end up in my food and stuff like that. And it would just get very tiresome very quickly. I'm already annoyed because Eamon Holmes keeps telling sort of meandering anecdotes that don't really go anywhere. And then Connor McGregor sort of jumps out from behind a bush and tells me that i've been eating piss for three days it's just it's not really the vibe yeah yeah i think he's like a just like a scary scary man you know but

there's some people you think right you'd be terrifying to face in a ring but i can see that you're a normal person but yeah I mean I don't know much about that world other than Conor McGregor and then I just read an article for some reason about a guy who's like the greatest ever and has never been defeated and he's retiring and I looked into him and he's just like apparently like supports loads of like incredibly right-wing dictators in Eastern Europe and is like really misogynistic and I want to believe that you don't have to be a bad person if you fight for a living, you know? Like, somewhere there's, like, a noble pursuit of the sport.

But, like, my recent reading hasn't backed that up. Yeah, I mean, there's been loads of boxers through history who are, you know, very culturally aware and able to use their platform and like intelligent and verbose and what have you. And I'm not deep enough into UFC to know if there's like a poet laureate of the Octagon. But like, yeah, from the ones I know, that's sort of quite a sort of hyper kids who've turned their boundless energy into getting really good at punching and moving around and putting people in leg locks. I mean, good for them, I guess.

We all need something to do. And if getting your head kicked in in the middle of a cage is your thing, then good for you. But I just don't want to be trapped on a desert island with that kind of energy. No, I agree. I think it'd be absolutely exhausting yeah a good choice a good choice to join amon holmes also i just think you're going to be like pogoing between the two of them you know it's like amon says something boring connor says

something terrifying you go back to amon exactly on that and this is my fear as well because you can't kick the shit out of amon holmes can you? No. Realistically. So I think when Connor does get the bloodlust which I assume he gets four or five times a day he's not going to kick Eamon Holmes head of sport is he? He's going to try and grapple me and I'm not

very good at fighting I'm a big clunking oaf myself and I think he'd get a lot from downing me, the way that hunters enjoy a sort of, you know, killing a bear or something. It's good to best an animal that's bigger than you. I think Conor McGregor, who's, what, about 5'8",

or something like that? He's quite a small man isn't he yeah I think he just enjoys trying to do a vertical leap onto my head and like knee me in both the eyes at once or something I've got like broken eye sockets and we've glued them together

with bits of coconut whatever we can find in the plane and again he's just like it's just banter whatever I don't know how Colin McBurringer would explain breaking both fire sockets for a joke but I think

he would have something backed up and Eamon Holmes would side with him quite rightly. Yeah I can imagine him sort of going oh it's just a joke and giving you like a playful punch on the arm but that playful punch also really hurt. Yeah. And you keep doing that.

I'm like, oh, I forgot you don't like it when I do that, do you? Bam, again. I get a weird blood clot that complicates over the course of us waiting for the rescue. By the time the helicopter does arrive for us, I've just sort of got a perfectly purple gnarled arm that it never really gets the sensitivity back that it used to but i only use only lose a couple of the lesser fingers as a result of it so it's i can't i can't really be mad at conor mcgregor for

for doing that to me yeah he doesn't know any better he doesn't all right and uh who will be the third person joining joining those two on the island with you well it's interesting you said pranks because the third person isn't isn't like a specific it's not a person with a name it's more of a concept and i need to caveat it as well with like what i'm about to say sounds like the most out of touch like gruff northern dad who's angry at society evolving past the rate that he could understand that kind of answer possible but i will i do want to go a bit deeper into into why i've chosen this particular type of person but like i've chosen vloggers but as a very specific type of vlogger because the thing with vloggers is maybe they're not necessarily the future of all media and all entertainment and and how we take in our news and how we spend our 15 minutes of leisure time watching them or whatever but they are the present they are like the present moment of how uh we're shaping

content i guess um and that's inescapable and that's fine. And I can't be mad that vloggers make short, chirpy YouTube videos that don't directly appeal to me. Like that is not a global problem and I'm not mad at that. Like if your target audience is 14-year-olds who really like that very direct-to-camera sort of hyper way of talking and the quick edits and the sort of driving around Beverly Hills throwing water balloons out of your car. Fine, cool, good on you. But there's a certain niche of buggers that, like, again,

I'm not mad that they exist, but I wouldn't want to be trapped in a room or, in this case, on an island with them and i think that can best be summed up by uh the the vlogger couple lad baby have you have you heard of this lad baby i think i've heard the name yeah because they i think they might have the last two christmas number ones oh yes that rings a bell so i think they do like it's always about sausage rolls so they did a song which is like we built this city on sausage rolls that's right which is which if you said that joke in a pub if you're all at the table and you were all going around trying to think sausage roll puns and someone said that you'd laugh at about this level

yeah but what they did with that is they they made it a whole song and recorded it and made it a video with those kind of deliberately scripted ad libs that are just designed to make me quite angry so it's oh oh you get off get off my sausage roll well you're interrupting the song like that kind of bullshit and then they they did it and then as as vloggers always do they did a campaign so they sort of campaigned to make this this shit parody unfunny song christmas number one and i'm sure it was for charity and i'm sure that's fine and you can't slag off charity can you can't slag off bad jokes if they're done in honor of charity you can't slag off charity can you can't slag off bad jokes if they're done in honor of charity you can't slag off red nose day for the same reason but like i didn't need to see it and yet every year at christmas i end up seeing this man in a shit santa hat singing

about sausage rolls and i think the reality of that kind of thing, it's the same with husband-wife prank couples, of which Lad Baby are as well. It's just, it doesn't appear to me the least, but the fact that it does appear to a huge swathe of not only the country, but the global population, kind of depresses me to a very deep level. So I've got some Lad lad baby and i'm picking on lad baby lad baby seems nice they do a lot of work for charity i'm sure they're nice people

but some of these uh titles of videos just like they get my skin up in a way that i can't describe so i'm gonna read you a couple all right when dad tries the kung fu challenge couples are always doing challenges youtubers are always challenging each other to do some shit um when dad hunts for sausage roll flavor crisps that's just a four minute video of a bloke running around the supermarket picking crisps up in it who's sitting down and going well this is entertainment watching these incredibly normal people from nottinghamshire fuck about in a supermarket and he loves sausage rolls doesn't he and he's got all his crisps piled up and that's too many crisps for one family to put in a car that's mental who's watching that and then another when dad doesn't stop scaring mom

because again i i find the energy of these prank couples completely exhausting how do you live in a house where someone is constantly like bending around a doorway with a gopro yeah yelling at you so you spill your tea and then they do a sort of mock like oh i don't want you to oh i can't believe you spilled your tea obviously i spilled my tea lad baby you fucking dick you just jump around the fucking you jump around the doorway whilst obviously i was going to spill my tea prick you stupid prick think about some sausage rolls about it you prick i get the sense with them as well that it's like every prank, they kind of go, oh, no, you got me.

Ha-ha, that's so funny. And then as soon as that recording stops, they go back to absolutely ignoring each other for silence. Yeah. Just typing up more pranks to do on their phone. It started when people started doing flash mobs, really. That was the move. And I've never been charmed by a flash mob and I've never thought they're good

and I've never admired the amount of effort that's gone into coordinating the dancing and getting everyone there. And I've never been impressed by the fact they do it with train stations i've never been wowed by that at all but some people are clearly i mean ee ee did a flash mob advert last year in 2019 when the movie the moment had very long since passed it's like people are still out there in meetings pitching what if we just get 20 people in a train station doing a vaguely coordinated dance and someone else gone that is fucking brilliant that is the best idea i've ever heard and that ends up boiling down like

that taps the same sort of points that lad may be fucking jumping out of a crisp shelf on a supermarket and going, hey, that's for the same people. And I think possibly my beef with that is not that they're doing it and they're, again, raising money for charity or what have you. That doesn't bother me. But I think part of it is how distant it makes me feel from the nub of that reality that in a lot of sitting rooms, on a lot of phones, on a lot of people's iPads,

they're watching Lad Baby and they're fucking loving it and they're chuckling away and they think it's great. And when he sings a song, they're like, oh, now it's Christmas. Lad Baby's done a shit song about sausage rolls. Now I'm fucking revved up for Santa. It makes me feel not out of touch at all it just makes me feel like

a thousand miles away from the people who do like Lad Baby and do do like husband wife pranks and shit like that I wonder though if it's like it's like voting with proportional representation you're like right so let's say... I knew you'd do this.

I knew as soon as I mentioned Lad Baby, you'd talk about voting with proportional representation. But you know how it's like the party that won, there's still always more people, because it's a first past the post, there's more people that don't want them in than do. But as a percentage, you're like, well, you've got this chunk of the vote.

And it's kind of like that. go well everyone loves lad baby because he's number one at christmas and he's got all these millions of views but i think there's probably still more people that find him a cunt yeah don't yeah then you know i just think the whole premise is you have to buy into it and suspend your disbelief so much like they're kind of you know like you said about the challenges it's like you know years ago there was like the cinnamon challenge and it's like let's see what happens if you eat a spoonful of cinnamon you know well i fucking know what's going to happen like the same thing will happen to everyone because we're humans we're not supposed to breathe in powdered cinnamon you know like it's like or you know things like that you're like but but why am i it's when you know you're sort of

really grown up instead of just going dad dad look at this it's really funny look how they choke on this dusty powder that they're they're eating you just go well yeah of course it's gonna fucking happen isn't it but it's strange because like so when i was a teenager i was i was you know i was an adolescent and the the high of, like, jackass culture. And jackass was brilliant. And if you watch it back now, it still fucking is. And maybe that's just because I'm pure-out and childish, or maybe it's because it means something to me based on, you know,

how old I was when I fell in love with it, you know, the first five albums that you played until you screamed about them was like they're still important to you so maybe it's to do with that maybe we always just have to have sort of stupid shit like that in culture that's how it turns and that's fine maybe it's just the end game of that but i do i do think like the suspend your disbelief thing is really important because it's like they are constantly in the same two bed house just pranking each other and the prank the prank is always like oh go out into the garden and then she's turned into the camera she's always aware of the camera and going why what have you done what have you done in the garden it's like wait and see and you go

out there and he's you know he's inflated a big swimming pool and filled it with jelly or some stupid bullshit like he's she's gone to the garden he's painted the house pink the prat and stuff like that and it's like well you know obviously you know that he's done some stupid you would just see the setup as soon as you live in a normal sized house there's no way you could do the setup of that without you seeing it. Yeah, exactly. And at what point do you go, can you stop doing this bullshit, lad, baby?

At what point does, like, it being your job to be pranked get tiresome? Because at this point, like, how do they have interactions anymore? When they go to bed at night and he's like uh tomorrow can you not go in the dining room until about 3 p.m uh why what have you done i don't know yeah just some bullshit i've put a tarpaulin down i might throw a cake at you or some shit i don't even know anymore it's not even funny it's not even there's no there's no levels to it it's just it's just some stupid lie by bullshit and she she has to pretend that she's annoyed by it in a very sort of forgiving way

like oh i wish you hadn't thrown a cake that's a waste of cake that you threw at me there but it'll probably get two million hits so actually it's fine throw another one yeah throw a bakewell tart at me yeah do whatever they fucking want mate yeah so i don't know i find something curiously joyless about the whole thing yeah there it is i think is is they sort of occupy the same space i suppose like this of earlier version of them would have been like a sort of a radio sidekick or like you know the third presenter on blue peter yeah it was kind of like you're not the good looking pair no you're the one that sort of pops up and does the kind of unglom you're the one that will be shoveling the elephant shit in the zoo you know where the rest

of them get to cuddle a monkey or something you'll be able to go well a slightly less glamorous job but one that's important nonetheless today i'm in london sewers you know it's like that same like oh give it to that guy yeah give them the you know yeah and it's that like someone has to be the full guy in our in our culture and this is like the sort of the sort of modern millennial version of it exactly this this is the current iteration of who's gonna go down a sewer but the thing is i wouldn't want to go down a sewer with lad baby because i wouldn't trust him not to pelt fucking tampons at me or something and be like i'll get mad and be like don't don't fucking throw tampons at me

lad baby and be like oh it's just it's just a oh it's i got it from it's not it's not a sewer tampon i bought it myself i spread jam on it and threw it at you fine that's not funny don't do it yeah maybe i'm just maybe i'm just out of touch but lad baby makes me feel like i'm a fucking alien on earth and i don't understand anything it's just a man in ill-fitting jeans running around the supermarket being a twat i don't understand it and i don't want to get stuck on a fucking tropical island with him because he'll cause he'll be like oh i've invented your game what flicking your ear and then conor mcgregor will obviously get into that i'll do that i'll roundhouse a cake into joel's face and just stupid it's stupid don't get i don't get it but i can also imagine a sort of a scenario where he's so hardwired in into pranking people he's like

at one point you see him talking to himself and you realize that he's still hardwired in into pranking people he's like at one point you see him talking to himself and you realize that he's still sort of doing pieces to camera even though he's got yes he's like watch me as i do my riskiest prank ever when i prank mcgregor and he's going to do it but you you know that he's going to get killed yeah so you've got to intervene but without it making it look like you were part of it as well exactly so now i have to stop lad baby from pissing off conor mcgregor uh who's still gonna beat the shit out of me because he's he's not gonna because he's pissing everyone's food now and yeah lad baby's off in the distance saying it's constantly saying like hi guys hey guys you guys are gonna love this today Eamon Holmes just sat on his arse a thousand miles away.

Conor McGregor's roundhousing all the food into the sea. I think if four of us go down on a plane, I'm just going to find a way to die rather than survive. Well, I think that's a very good selection of difficult people to be stuck with. I think that's a very sound basis. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements,

or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Okay, we're going to move on from people now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad do i do a food and a drink yes it's food and a drink a food do i do a food and a drink. A food. Do I do a food and a drink? Okay.

Food is a raw tomato. Okay. Do you want me to expand on that? If you would, yeah. It'd be a hell of a show if I just came in and read the list. Tomato, see ya. Tomato and lad baby, bye. Well, I'm not a fussy eater at all.

I'll eat loads of things, like most things I like. And the things I've struggled with in the past have always been quite textural. So it took me a long time to come round to avocados because I didn't quite get the texture. Now I do, big fan. But at first I was just like, so it's sort of a green mash not for me and also avocados taste a bit weird in this country anyway and then the other one was aubergines which i it took me a while to get my head around the fact that they sort of come out with this very oily greasy skin which is unturable at the same time and just chop that off and it's just a nice vegetable, it's okay

but raw tomatoes have ruined all of the great burgers of my life, I don't like the way they sort of the texture of them just icks me out in a way that I just can't get my head around at all I just, the

bite, the chomp to a slice of raw tomato like a an underwhelming slice of beef tomato in the middle of a burger so you bite into it and you sort of pull back and every layer of the burger has has done what it's meant to do which is form a bite which is now in your mouth apart from the tomato because it's like a rind of skin that's just about holding the the fleshy sort of wet joyless meat of it to the burger still so you've got to buy it again and that skin's going in your body it's not getting digested it's coming right out and then there's just loads of seeds that are just sort of surrounded by a small wet pocket of like sour that's crap and then you chew them together and all you can really

taste is tomato which is fine i like tomato sauce i like it on a pizza i like ketchup but in the form of raw tomato the three component textures are all fighting against each other and somehow overwhelm everything they touch it really bugs me and it's one of the things because it's so cheap it ends up in in so many sort of lunch options you order a salad and there's chopped tomato throughout that you have to pick out it's in every burger it's in a lot of supermarket meal deal sandwiches just a really limp crap like a tomato that's been grown in a warehouse it's never seen the sun and it's just this sort of disc of pink that's there ruining everything it touches and i've just never and i don't like cherry tomatoes before i assume people write in to question everything

no no someone's gonna write in and go you forgot cherry tomatoes i don't like them you pop them in they're too they're quite explosive and sharp and yeah they pop in your mouth they're not that cherry tomatoes are not as fun as people make out they are and i'm sick of pretending that they are and so in every way top to bottom i've just never had a good experience with raw tomato and i can i can only assume that would be compounded by conor conor mcgregor saying he he pissed in it somehow pissed in that tomato and lad baby's laughing his head off well i think you know given that they would have come from the wreckage of a plane as well,

they're going to be that sort of, you know, like you get them in a plane salad and it's like just freezing cold. It's like just one step above ice. It's like, you know, and there's no taste. It is just like a slice of ice in your sandwich or something, just because it's that kind of, that weird sort of grainy, mushy shit tomato that you're like, yeah yeah there's not even any point because you're not adding flavor i mean i suppose it brings a bit of color but you've basically made my sandwich soggy for no reason because you're not giving me any flavor so it's just something cold and wet in an otherwise okay sandwich it's just padding it's just crap padding yeah hate them yeah fair enough and uh what were you going to wash those down with uh rum rum

any particular kind of rum and tomatoes the breakfast of champions um i mean rum sort of goes with the seaside uh you know the desert island kind of vibe doesn't it at least yeah it's quite piratey and i think it's something that Connor you know we we'd call it Connor's calm down juice and we'd give him a little bottle of rum late at night when he gets a little bit too hyper from laughing at lad baby's pranks but personally I just um I my my relationship with drinking spirits has changed from when I was a kid where you would do it as a strange punishment to yourself to get drunker faster and you would you would get the worst possible supermarket version of vodka or whiskey and you would mix it with supermarket coke at someone's house before

you went out and you just it was it was a functional way of getting drunk rather than drinking a beer which is a lot of fizz and froth and not a lot of actual alcohol. You have a shot and everyone recoils in horror and you wash it down with an actual drink that tastes nice. And then you get to a certain age, you get to a certain step in adulthood and maybe it's just, you know, you go to a date at a cocktail bar and you have a drink and you realise that liquor can actually taste nice

and be quite sophisticated. And you're like, oh, fucking hell. And then at some point you turn 28 and you just have a load of bottles of quite nice booze that you never actually drink, but you've moved house with three times. And they're like, it's a nice bottle of vodka left over from a party or it's like a third of a nice bottle of whiskey or there's tequila or Zambuca and you realize that if you if you go up from

Tesco own liquor could be really really nice apart from rum which is literally always dog shit it's always horrible there's never there's no good rum cocktail. A Dark and Stormy is not a good drink. It's just sort of a saccharine sugar water that's so sweet. It's bizarrely sort of caramelly and dark, but not in a pleasant way. And again, I have a really sweet tooth,

but rum just does nothing for me. I can always, I just feel like I can feel it going into my body, like I can feel it at my chest level, my diaphragm, then into my stomach. And I just, it's not for me. It's not another good drink. Yeah, because it's sort of, you know, obviously it's made from sugar, so you associate it with hot countries,

but it's sort of a weird drink for a hot country because it's so sticky and sugary that it's almost like in those climates what you want is something that you know like a really cold martini it's almost devoid of taste it's just sort of crisp and neat you know but when it's like really hot and you're drinking something that's really strong and really sweet and like the hangovers you get from it because of all the sugar and stuff yeah i went through a rum and coke phase when I was in my early 20s. We've all been there. I'd hated it before.

And then there's this weird couple of years where I just decided it was the most delicious drink in the world. And I'd have hangovers the next day where I just felt like I was coming off smack or something. I'd just be lying there, shivering. Especially with coke as well. You have double sugar and loads of caffeine. And're just like cold and shivery the next day headache you must have got from that shit it's insane yeah i was like god i feel like i've been spiked i spiked myself with like three bags of sugar classic self-spiking yeah it's basically if you were going to design a spirit for toddlers rum would be the one wouldn't it it's like how you know all five-year-olds dream of having like

a haribo sandwich for lunch and it's like if if you take if you take that to the extreme by just putting a load of sugar in a in in a still until it becomes fermented, you've got rum. There you go. And it's, it's toddler juice. It's a spirit for toddlers. Yeah.

And it's actually a bartender. I have a friend of mine who's a bartender and makes these really nice, sophisticated cocktails. And he, he did make one with rum. He makes a Christmas one with rum, which is like a hot buttered rum so he like

does something with a sous vide and a load of rum and butter together and a load of nutmeg and then he sort of heats it up like a sort of hot toddy it's delicious but at that point you're basically just drinking butter yeah so I like it when you mix it with butter

and nothing else everything else like i can just taste every every molecule of rum and i don't like it well i mean that that hot buttered rum sounds delicious but i bet that's delicious once like if you have a second one that's when you feel so sick you're never going to drink it again exactly yeah i think i think most people who who have a serious drinking career have have one drink in their past that they just had one bad night on and now they can never do it again and they they actually they they struggle to even smell it and i have that uh particular university hangover after splitting a case of uh sort of it wasn't strong by dark fruits but it was it was that kind of vibe um and now i just can't i i can barely have cider anymore and i can definitely i can

never have like a blackcurrant flavored cider or anything like that uh and yeah i i think i think i must have hit my limit with rum after my first ever shot of rum because it's a turn-off for me. So if you put that and a tomato on a table with Conor McGregor threatening behind it, it's not going to be a great time. I mean, you also mentioned calming Conor McGregor down with a bit of rum, but I think it's quite a risky one because feeding something like that, something like rum, is, I don't know.

He punches himself out. He'll do a couple of laps of the island and then he'll tucker himself out on his rum. It's night-night for Connor. Okay. Well, we'll move on to the next bit. Now, Joel, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one

is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why can i just say your podcast is hellish isn't it you're basically describing somewhere between limbo and hell yeah and it's all the worst things that could possibly happen yeah and i'm stuck there and i can't die so we had um recently we had josh jones a comedian on and one of his choices was julia roberts just because he loves her so much that it would be troubling to be stuck with her and actually hearing someone be really nice about something for like 10 minutes was quite refreshing for me you know because the more i do this podcast the more i just feel like i'm becoming a sort of dried out husk yeah it must be hollowing you out man this is horrible come on um okay so song is um timber by pitbull featuring kesha

which is it's a kind of country sort of dance. How would you describe Timber by Pitbull featuring Kesha? It's like a country-tinged club banger. Yeah, I suppose so. What if they made a club banger with a banjo and a harmonica? Yeah, I mean, I find Pitbull a total fucking mystery because he seems like someone who maybe worked at a record company and finally they gave him a contract or something or like someone's dad or something you know because

it's like you're not very good looking you're often wearing a suit which doesn't make any sense like you're not so nothing about it makes sense it's like at least in that in that sort of that over that genre you kind of go well obviously you know he's got a six-pack and an amazing body so so there you go that's how he got there whereas him he's just like where where did you come into all of this pitbull's vibe is is unparalleled and it's inexplicable and no one on earth could do what he does with this brazenness he does it with. And that's what is very fascinating about him is he seems to be the first ever superstar who's got to the level he's at by sheer force of will. He just sort of decided that that's what he wanted. It sort of happened.

He just decided to be it. And he definitely has like an ear for, well, I mean, Tim timber was a pretty perfect example he sort of seems to have an ear for like the right sample for the right movement of sort of an 18 month cycle of of like pop trend he seems to be about two months ahead of it every time it comes up he just all he always seems to know where where the next sort of one summer flash in the pan moment in pop is and he seems to be on that radar he's a sniper when it comes to that but then in terms of what he presents as he is just like a very well-groomed small town bouncer who just happens to do a sort of sideways

smile and a feature a feature rap on like three songs a year yeah he makes millions and millions of dollars by doing it that's why i think maybe he was like he was an a and r man or something he went fuck it i'll just do this one myself like i can't be bothered managing this person i'm just i know what the hit's gonna be i'm just gonna do it and everyone went really dressed like that are you gonna just change no no no i've got it i'm gonna call myself mr worldwide so it sounds like i'm already established you know like there is there is more of a hint of elaborate tax judge about him he does seem like he's he's a remainder of a budget that gets squared off every year they they can't claim the same budget at the end of the year unless they've put away 300 grand on

pitbulls so they just sort of they let him make timber with kesha and also if you've ever seen pictures of him not in a suit it's actually weirder so it's better just to let him do do the suit vibe and drink a drink tequila or whatever it is he drinks neat and just let him let him do his kind of threatening most threatening guy in the vip section of a club kind of shtick because it works for him and it's fine but my personal like i have i have no truck with pitbull at all i actually really admire his his strange singular hustle but that particular song is like you know like every drinker has a drink that they can't smell anymore and that is like the song version of that for me i was working in an office that had pop radio on all summer when that was a big hit.

And it was on, it felt like eight or ten times a day because it was sort of on rotation on every show across every station we were listening to. And just the opening fiddle, it makes my whole body clench up because I've heard it hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times and like i have a fairly strange relationship with music anyway because like i'm a writer and i can't write to music particularly active music so if if you ever work in an office people like to have background music on and at some point it evolves to the point where a few people have control of the music

and then it depends on their mood of the day. Someone takes an hour, where they decide on whatever. And it's like, none of those people write because you wouldn't write, you wouldn't put that music on if you were trying to write a single sentence

because it's like having, it's like when you're trying to count to 10 as some dickhead, Conor McGregor in this case, I imagine, would jump in and start going, 13, 45, 62. And you're like, no, okay. Like your brain can't compute those two things at once. So I can't listen to music that has lyrics in it

when I'm trying to think or I'm trying to put a sentence or a paragraph together so that's like a lot of my working day is spent trying to shape my thoughts into sentences just about say what I'm trying to say ironically really inelastic but like I can't do that when when active music is on so so working in that office where i had to write like 10 articles a day with pitbull constantly pounding timber at me on a big overhead stereo and i you know i had the big overhead headphones on to try and mute it out and i'm trying to blast ambient sound into my own eardrums to get out but like it rises over everything there's no there's no noise cancelling that can keep timber by pitbull featuring kesha out of the periphery of your mind

yeah so that that summer was impossible for me to work through and now i just when i hear that song it's like it it it takes me back to the desk i was sat on to the way the light came into the room to the people who were surrounding me i'm right back there like seven or eight years ago just exasperated because i can't do a moment's work when when pitbull featuring keshner was on so it's i don't want to say listening to that song is like torture to me because I don't want to undermine torture when people genuinely go through it but like it's up there it's it's 80% torture it is bad that's a bad one yeah I think I think there's just something about the production techniques that they ensure that it cuts through anything it's like someone described it as like

gym music you know it's like someone described it as like gym music. You know, it's like you can have your headphones on in the gym, but it's that kind of music, and it will always cut through everything, you know, because they assume that everyone in the gym wants to hear that kind of music. And it's like, it's just sort of loud. And it always reminds me of feeling really sick in the back of a cab, you know.

Sometimes they even offer you to change the station. You're like, I can't even think right now just but i don't go to the sort of clubs that play this music but now i'm feeling really sick and you're playing this music at me and it feels like i might as well be in one of these places where it's 50p a shot you know so yeah i feel your pain and what would be your film choice well the thing is there's not a lot of films that I don't like. It's very rare that I'll stop. I'm a bit of a completist when it comes to films and TV, which drives my girlfriend up the wall.

But, like, if we're watching an episode of something and I need to get up out of the room to visit the bathroom or go get a glass of water or anything like that, I need to get up out of the room to visit the bathroom or go get a glass of water or anything like that. I need to pause it. I don't, even if it's an episode of something crap on E4, like even if it's a repeat, if it's don't tell the bride or something like that, it doesn't matter if I miss three minutes of action.

I really do like to see every minute of what i'm watching i'm just quite on time about that so it's very very rare that i'll turn a film off because i don't like it i'll i'll battle to the end pretty much regardless there's there's two films that i just and they're classic films as well it's just they just they hit part of my mind. It just turns it off. It's really strange. And I've never got to the end of them. I have no idea how they end.

And they are clueless and alien. Okay. And obviously, you know, one's a spiritual sequel to the other. But both of them Alien Alien's a late night film anyway so it might be that it's always been put on at about 10pm and I'll start

and I'll see an alien burst out of someone's chest it starts to get threatening in corridors there's a shadow and then I wake up because someone's shaking me awake on the sofa i've never got through alien in my life and then with clueless um i i just i've had a lot of people try and show me clueless it's a for a lot of people it's like a classic hangover sort of cozy comedy

where you know the beats of it, you know the iconic scenes. There's a lot of comfort to be had in re-watching films that you know almost word for word when you're on a hangover and you don't want to be challenged in any way. I think that's what I'm convinced that like 80 of disney films are watched on a hangover and 20 20 on a sugar rush and most of them are about 11 a.m on a sunday morning and it's just completely disparate sets of people experiencing these things in different ways and so i've always been hanging when I've been

forced to watch Clueless and I've been like under two duvets and unable to move and unable to say no please don't put Clueless on DVD yet again but I've just I don't know what happens in Clueless I get to the point

where she's picking her outfit with the special computer and she makes that little speech at the start of class. And then my mind just, it's white noise. And my mind just can't grip the textured edges of Clueless. It just slips off. And then I come to about 90 minutes later and Paul Rudd is in a car. And that's it. That's all I know about Clueless and I've probably

watched the opening scenes of Clueless like six or seven times I have no idea what happens in Clueless I suppose it's one of those films that I can imagine if you loved it when you were young it would be fun to watch it again but I think to come at as an adult

it probably doesn't make a lot of sense you know yeah i think it's a nostalgia you know it's probably like something like the goonies as well i mean they're different types of films but like if you watch the goonies as a grown-up maybe you watch it with a child you think oh this is quite fun but if you just watch it on your own you're probably like yeah i don't know i don't know what all the what all the memes are about i mean i'd probably honestly say the same about the original Star Wars films, where if you, if you're coming to them as an adult,

like I haven't even watched the last two, if the, what is it? The sequel trilogy. Like I watched, I watched a couple of the cinema and I was like, it's just not really exciting being a grown adult in a cinema, watching this stupid dumb space

opera that's literally always the same story. It's the same arc of villainy every single time. How have you not evolved? I've evolved because Star Wars. Yes, I'll buy the cool Lego. It looks sick, but the story's

crap. It's rubbish. But if it was on itv on a sleepy sunday afternoon when i'd been up all night drinking rum black black currant cider and i felt like shit and all we had in the house was tomatoes i'd probably quite happily took into return of a jedi yeah it's not it's not good is it it? It's half of a memory of you enjoying being excited by a film, and half of it is quite cool fight scenes with lightsabers,

and then the rest of it is some really schlocky overacting in front of a green screen, where they're going the primordial planet is very angry at Thine, and then there's a war summit explodes. it's not good and that's my review of clueless i just think with uh with clueless so i imagine

the uh what's the lad baby is probably going to love it yeah so he'll get really giddy and excited nuts for clueless conor mcgregor and eamon holmes are going to say this is this is teenage girly nonsense like what are you lads doing watching a film about girls dressing up eamon holmes is actually going to go on quite a proper mac rant about it i think it's it's gonna split the island and so i think even if you were like well i've never seen this film before at least i'm stuck with a film i've never seen you know you're not going to be able to watch it in peace and so I imagine it's kind of like no is it atlas pushing up pushing the world to the top of the hill and then it just rolls down again the next day Sisyphus of course yeah yeah so it's it's going to be your own Sisyphean task yeah yeah again I

mean if you you know it's it's two different tortures isn't it the eternal torture of the infinite and the constant threat of success but never the reality of it and then Pitbull featuring Kershaw singing about it going down all in all

if I haven't already gone insane from being punched in the head repeatedly by Conor McGregor and only eating tomatoes and being pranked all the time um those those two media will probably probably push me right over the edge well look i can tell it's been you know i mean you've done so well at picking all these awful things that i can tell it's taken a bit of a we're nearly at the end. This is the final thing. Finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

Which animal is it and why? Oh, okay. So it's an island overrun by animals because I had two animal answers as well. One of them was to... This isn't my answer right. I think if in that mix you gave me a dog to care for

i i wouldn't be too happy because although i appreciate dogs they've a nice little vibe if there's a dog in the pub i'm like okay cool mellow i like that there's a smaller live thing there but i've always been more of a cat man because for me, dogs are so much upkeep. You've got to walk them constantly. They're so dependent on you. You can't leave them alone for more than an hour or they start to freak out.

You've got to take them out to shit and piss constantly. They smell really bad, all of them, and they're always leaving further, and they make your house smell way more than cats do. And though I do understand the pros of dogs, you know, they're quite fun to look at because they're so mellow. And, you know, you give them a little scritch and they're cool. But I don't go wild for them.

And I think giving me the task of having to upkeep a dog for the entire lifespan of a dog about 15 years in the middle of a desert island with eamon holmes and conor mcgregor dad glad baby yeah it would be ideal but the worst animals are not dogs the worst animals are crocodiles yeah i mean i think your your example of a dog i think i agree on basically all the same things as that. I think the problem is, you know, you'd sort of have to clean up after it. But at the same time, you're like, well, we're kind of on a wild island. So fuck it.

Or just go in the sand. But then they shit so much that you'd still end up, you know, you'd still have to do something with the shit. So, yeah, I think they're problematic. But yeah, a crocodile is just, I mean, even if you like or respect them, they are bastards. Like, you can't... There's no getting away from it. There's simply no need for something to be that much of a monster. Like, OK, you can have the big teeth and the long snout and whatever, but you don't also have to be a long, gnarly lizard, you know? Or you can have a really powerful tail

uh but you don't have to really move that quickly over land that's not necessary like oh you've only got one weak spot but it's on your stomach and you're far too heavy to flip over and you they don't need to do the death roll thing they can already kill you like so many different ways they don't need to grab your roll around and thrash around like that and they're too big they're too huge they're they're monstrous they're horrible monsters we don't need that sort of thing and what are they for i will support food chain wise i'm not saying every animal has to justify itself by being a slot on the food chain i'm not necessarily sure we do but like yeah but i mean do we really need crocodiles what are crocodiles for

i don't know yeah because they're right at the top but i think they don't even a lot of sort of reptiles and amphibians like that don't eat that much they'll kind of have something massive and then they're fine for a month or something you know and also they live in hot places so it's not like if they didn't kill something and break it down, it wouldn't just, like, be instantly taken over by insects. Like, I think stuff's going to break down all right without them. Yeah. What are crocodiles adding, you know?

What are they bringing to the party? I also feel like they're this weird thing that, you know, they're basically a dinosaur that's still around. Yeah. So they must sort of know something, you know, but they sort weird thing that, you know, they're basically a dinosaur that's still around. Yeah. So they must sort of know something, you know, but they sort of also seem, you know, I remember going to a zoo once in Australia and the guy was doing a crocodile show and he was like, oh, you know, like you can't train them. All you can do is sort of, you know, I'm getting this reaction.

If I go over here, it's going to jump out of the water over there. That's all just instinct. You will never train a crocodile to do anything that you know so it's not like they're intelligent but they've sort of evolutionarily speaking they must be really intelligent by just doing fuck all for a long time they've survived like it's like them and what tortoises and some kinds of birds yeah like but i like i fuck with tortoises tortoises are They're great. But they're non-threatening. You can pick a tortoise up and flip it over.

It's not going to mess with you. A crocodile, it does not need to be that prowling and horrible. It's not necessary for us to have that. I don't believe. Yeah. Yeah, they're dangerous, they're sneaky, they're fast when they want to be. At some point, Connor's going to try and wrestle one. Exactly.

You know, then you've got to fucking wrestle him to get him off it or like who do you say fucking lad baby's throwing it sausage rolls from our stash and yeah it's going like that eamon holmes has already lost his legs to the crocodiles it's just and now he's just stumps it's a nightmare we have to look after him and he was already useless. And now we have to feed him with a coconut spoon. You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's tricky. Yeah. Well, I think you've done a really good job of picking a horrendous habitat for yourself to spend the rest of your day. So thank you very much, Joel, for doing that. Thank you. It was horrible.

Now, at the minute, as we record this, we're still in uh lockdown um but where's a good place for everyone to sort of keep up to date with what you're up to oh um the best place is just twitter follow me on twitter that's where all the all the um the news tends to drop i would say yeah i was not expecting that answer that question rather I don't know twitter.com there you go twitter.com yeah I'll make a note and I'll have a look I hear it's big these days yeah check it out nice man all right Joel thanks a lot again for joining us on Desert Island Dicks today no problem thanks for having me Bye.