Desert Island Dicks - JOEY PAGE

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

Comedian and podcaster Joey Page joins Harriet to share who and what he'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island... listen NOW or watch it, it's up to you mate make your own mind up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, I'm Harriet Kempsey and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Joey Page. Joey, it's so nice to see you. I know. How are you doing? I'm good. I haven't seen you in ages. No, we did a gig together about six or eight months ago. Yeah, in like the South somewhere. No, the North.

It was like Cambridge where you're just- No, I'm thinking of a different one. It was like in a village, it was so sweet. All the friends organized it. Yeah, and they all had t-shirts. They had everything printed t-shirts. They had everything printed. They had like mugs printed. And sweets and chocolate and then I think you know because of those high production values I don't know if it ever ran again. It was and it was so sweet.

The love they put into it and I think they just thought oh this is how people are always treated and you're like yeah no we're just sometimes some of you don't even get off of the bottle of water. Or a chair. Or a chair, yeah. You're where the chairs live, but they're all stacked and you can't get them. And there's like some Zumba mats or, do you have mats for Zumba?

I don't know, but I'm sorry. Yeah, I guess that gets rewarded. Yeah, I had that the other day where I was just kind of like stood in the corner for like, for it and then it's like so weirdly awkward. There's nowhere to go. And then you just kind of stood there. You didn't have a chair. And yeah, I mean, I don't think it's like being a diva to want a chair.

But I am as I, as I become more of an accomplished performer in my, in my nearly 20 years of doing this, I'm like, not instant coffee though. Come on. Get rid of them little mini sachets. I don't want wanna see that. He's a diva. I'm getting there, yeah. Yeah, he's getting there, getting ready. I don't mind, I'll take like a tin of, you know. A tin of ground coffee kind of. Yeah, but it's gotta be like, I don't want the freeze dry,

I don't want like a little stick of. Yes, yeah. Four little sticks of milk between eight comedians or whatever the thing. of four little sticks of milk between eight comedians. Or whatever you think. How did you find putting together your choices for the island? Oh, well at first I was like, oh, I'm really going to struggle with my people here. Because I think as well, even though I look how I look, and if you're not-

Yeah, how do you look? If you're not watching, I would pull the car over immediately and get on the Spotify video because, you know, I'm wearing a brown suit with a pink shirt and a baseball cap, right? And so I've got long hair and a mustache and basically I'm a sort of, I grew up working class, but I moved to Shoreditch. So basically I look like a hipster, but I've got very like normal person's sensibilities. Like I kind of hate all hipsters. I hate everything I'm becoming, right? But I think people that know me tend to think I'm quite a nice guy, even though if you don't know me,

you look at him and go, am I not smart enough? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, great, because I feel like I've got some big words today. But people look at me and go, this guy looks like an utter prick, right? But turns out I'm not even a nice guy. I was like, I've found loads of things that have annoyed me.

It turns out you're externalizing who you really are with your outfits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you always dress like this? I mean, you've known me for a long time. I used to dress like Pete Doherty, which was a terrible look. I mean, to look back on it was great then,

but like pearl necklaces and skinny jeans and a big brim, wide brimmed hat. Yeah, but what I mean is like putting thought into what you wear. Oh, always. It's nice, yeah. Yeah, like my friends, like I'm still really good friends with my school friends and they all like go, oh, it's Joe, because they, my real name is Joe.

I've had the show biz Y, right? So, but, and they would always be like, oh, it's Joe version two. Like there was, I went through a dog tags and like trucker cap phase when I was like at uni. And then like, then I, then I tried to like basically just dress up the mighty bush. And then I got into the suits and hats thing.

Yeah. So this is like, Joey three maybe. This is like, this is like five. It's like retired Miami yacht guy. Yeah. Or just like, I don't know know golfer from the 80s. Yes. slash real estate. He's come straight from selling houses to play some golf. Yeah. Yeah. Though I hate both of those things. I have no idea how to sell a house, I've never played golf. Okay, so who is the first person you're putting on your team? Well, I'm, you know, I am aware that we've only got a certain amount of time here today, but I've got such a, this is what I realized. I've got a short, can I just quickly run through

my short list of things I didn't make it in? People that I've used the word vibe, right? I don't like that at all. Stephen Mulhern. Okay okay. I don't know if you've ever worked with him but I've never worked with him and to me I don't understand how someone so bland gets so much work just because he can do tricks. People that when you go to concerts and you want to get near the front or back in with your mates after you've gone to the bar to get drinks and then they don't want to let you pass they're like, you want to get near the front or back in with your mates after you've gone to the bar to get drinks and then They don't want to let you pass night. We're trying to watch a show. I'm like well then dance or do the thing Yeah, I agree. I'm just like well. You make a museum. Yes

If you want to get close to the front you go close to the front you're gonna start the backs that yeah You got that people I think it evens out in the end, doesn't it? Where people want to be. And you go, oh, I've found a bit of space. I'm going to stand there and someone will talk. And I'm like, well then why didn't you stand in that space? Yeah, you don't get your space and the space in front. Yeah. People that say, don't mind if I do.

There's all things that didn't make it by the way. Yeah, there's a real, there's a real essence to, I was going to say vibe then. And then I was like, I can't say vibe, I don't wanna be that person. But some people go, don't mind if I do. Yeah, there's a real, you've got a little shoulder shrug going in it.

But I just don't really know what it means, I think. And it comes from when I used to work at Marks and Spencer's giving out free samples, and that gets said to me all the time, and I already hated my job, and I was like, this is tipping me over the edge. And then, this was very close to going in people. And I'm sorry if this is you. I don't know enough about your personal life. People that love Harry Potter

and love the love that the platform at King's cross go away. Okay. That was rude to assume that I might be one of those people to be okay. I'm talking about adults, like, you know, go and dress up with a broomstick. Yeah and say like I'm a muggle. Yeah yeah yeah yeah oh what what house of thing I don't I do not care. Yeah I agree with you. But these didn't even make it in. These didn't make it in. Okay where's the first one? Oh no on. I've got one more. Okay people, you know those earrings with the make your ear hole really big Yeah Especially when they've gone past that as we as I've said with my fashion choices and they just got a big saggy hole in your ear what you're doing

It's so specific because they have to buy the different sizes to keep stretching. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, none of those Andy Peters. That's going to be Joey face six though. That's what's coming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did have my ear pierced when I was younger and do you know what one of my earrings was? I was like about 16 at the night tick. I was in chat. That was one of my things. People in Kenya used to shave that into their back of their head. Yeah. Yeah. That's where I'm from. Yeah. Bexley Eve. Oh yeah yeah. So, first one I'm putting in is Jeremy Clarkson, right?

Now I'm sure that's not going to be that controversial compared to some of the things that I haven't put in, but my real problem with him is the resurgence and how people seem to have forgotten that he punched someone for getting his dinner all wrong. And people seem to forget that he looks like a human jacket potato. People seem to forget that basically whenever he talks, he sounds like he's on the edge of a burp. Like he's always got like acid reflow, like, whoa, do you know?

And how is he presenting? Who wants to be a millionaire? Is he doing that now? Yes. I didn't know that. Why didn't they just dig Chris Tarrant back up? Like he's still a, he's not doing anything. He's wandering around. So yeah, but I'm not having this basically, I think where this has come from is I tried to write a bit about how, how horrible Jeremy Clarkson is and how it'd be my worst nightmare to go on to who wants to be a millionaire and him being in charge of my destiny because there's also now a category on there. Actually, I like phone a friend 50 50 all that stuff. There's also ask Jeremy.

No, there's not. That's not true Yes there is. That's not true. Is that true? Yes. And so people save it in case there's a question about cars. But if you run out of things and there isn't one, if he gets it wrong, you've not won any money.

Similarly, if he gets it right. You owe Jeremy Clarkson. Yeah. And or the happiest moment of your life is stained by the memory of Jeremy Clarkson sharing that with you because it's just you and him sat as close as me and you are now and sometimes he stands up and leers over people it's very frightening do you think he'd ever pretend you didn't know the answer well i i think for me almost certainly and not even because he would have listened to this podcast uh but just because of, you know, the vibe.

Yeah. We just, um, so yeah, he, he, uh, for me is definitely, and, and, and the thing is a lot of people seem to like him because he's, because of his farm program. Well that's it. He'd be good on a desert island maybe if, if he's a farmer, if he's got farming information now, you know, it's actually, you might need him. Yeah, well, now this is another thing that you may not necessarily know about me, Harriet, is that I tend to really hate things

and then I'll do a U-turn like maybe two years too late. Like, I very much hated the Arctic Monkeys because I didn't like the way that he sang. I thought he was like doing almost like a piss take of George Formby or something like that. I've been cleaning windows. I was like, no, I'm not getting on board with this. And all my friends, and then over the years,

I've had to climb down and say, yeah, I really like the Arctic Uncies now. Oh, that's embarrassing. Yeah. Yeah. So you think that in two years, you could love Jeremy Clarkson. If I was on a desert island with him, perhaps we would become best friends.

Yeah, when you actually got to know him. Because let's be honest, I've said about a lot of things already that I don't like, and I feel like maybe I'm not that pleasant as we speak. Maybe it's inwardly- Oh, this has had a big effect on you. It's making you look at yourself. Yeah. Why?

So maybe I've got more in common with him than I like to- He went in so strong and then crumbled five minutes later. Maybe like, maybe in like five years time, I'm gonna look like a jacket potato. Yes, you're gonna punch someone and be like, I get it Jeremy. No, I mean, I've had, if there's ever been any sort of close combat,

I've always tended to go, I say always twice, gone for a headbutt. Oh, that's my move actually. Is it? I've never tended to go I say always twice gone for headbutt oh yeah that's my move is it I've never actually done it but that's why I imagine no just like charging like a diamond like running with the head mine's like a proper sort of like and I'm not sure of the age demographic you're going for but Rabsi Nesbit sort of like lean back bang yeah have you actually done that uh yeah once to one of my mates and he just laughed at me. Because I'm quite a weak guy. It's not effective.

He just went, you're dead and I just had to run. Okay, so wow, that was a real roller coaster. Okay, who's number two? Number two, and this does get me genuinely quite angry. It's people that have the sound on their phone without headphones. Yeah.

Yeah. I've come so close twice to going, do you want to borrow my headphones? I've got my headphones on that I can still hear. It happened to me the other day, there was a lady on the tube, and there's no excuse for this. She was not that old, she was maybe mid to late 40s. And she wasn't even watching anything,

she was playing one of these gem games with the music on. Why do you need the music? It's the most annoying music, and it doesn't add anything to their experience. No. Yeah, I completely agree with that. Okay, I have a confession though, because sometimes I let my daughter watch cartoons

and I don't have headphones for them to listen to them on the tube or something. That is annoying, and I'm not just doing this because I wanna be a good guest on the podcast. I can understand that slightly. You know what I mean? Yeah, okay. What I can't understand is somebody

who thinks they're on The Apprentice making a phone call on loudspeaker with it in their hand. But how does that make any difference if you're just listening to the other side of the conversation? Because surely that's the same as listening to two people talk. I think it's just etiquette, isn't it?

Yeah. I don't know. I just think it's like the height of rudeness. Yeah if they're speaking loud yeah yeah. But like again I don't really have the the guts to back it up sometimes so all I'll just do is a classic British bit of tutting and glaring. What's the glare? Whoa! More powerful than the head butt, I'd say. Oh yeah, you reckon? Yeah, that's powerful. I mean, I've been perfecting that look because as I go up for more and more acting jobs and

my hair is starting to slightly leave its nominal home, I want more roles where I can play sort of like psycho, sort of slightly sleazy murderer kind of character. I can see that for you actually. Yeah, I've got the stare down there. Yeah, you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that can be your motive. Oh yeah, yeah.

Just go, yeah. The new big ITV detective show. What was his motive? Just hated rudeness on public transport. Okay, Joey, who's third? Third is another type of person. Okay. And that is-

Is it my type of person? Well, I don't know. I'm gonna say no. Okay. Because you're quite a stylish person. Style does come into this as well, even though it's not primarily about that. It's people that go M&M World. Right? Because

I was like, how is there a shop? You think I might be someone that goes to M&M World? Is that what you're saying? No, I'm saying you're not. Because the worst type of person that goes to M&M World is the type of person that goes in and buys clothing. M&M branded clothing, right? And especially because I went in there because I was like, what is in here? Cause it's three floors. It's three floors.

There's so many homeless people. It's crazy. People that can't afford to live anywhere. It's crazy. And there's a shop that's like three floors dedicated to, let's be honest, a packet of sweets where only one of the deviations of it is nice and the rest all tastes like absolute shit anyway.

And a lot of people can't even have the nice one because they're allergic to nuts. And this is peanut M&Ms, but they've got t-shirts in there that go, my personality is the red M&M. Oh, fuck off. what does that even mean what yeah what does that mean i don't know they're not they're not personalities enough that's not a clear but maybe there that's like a whole universe like the marvel universe like the

m&m universe if you know about m&m's you know about it well i mean i would love to google and see what i should have done i mean i should i I should I'd love to Google I should have done my research but like that's the And we are recording only a 15-minute walk away from there And I don't need to think that I couldn't think of anything and I went in there But anything about the personality. I know that like one of them I think is a bit of a loser I'm not sure if that's the yellow one because I've seen him on an advert being like oh I messed it up again something like that, I mean, but it doesn't say it doesn't say anything I mean character I'm just gonna very quickly have a look at like red Eminem

Eminem I think a perfectionist yeah literally no but who are these people who these personality less people that, and, and I, and again, if I'm going to dig deeper into my psyche about this, I had a girlfriend once who, uh, who left me, uh, for a guy called Skittles because his nickname was skills. Cause he used to eat a lot of skills at work. I was like, some of that little amount of personality that, yeah yeah that small amount of personality that that's what he's known for beat me with a love conquest. Yeah yeah so maybe it comes down to that but I just think oh who are these sad losers? Yeah do you think you're particularly triggered by like sweets and packets?

Maybe that's what it is it's actually the skittles wound that's come up. It could be. Yeah. What if they open a Skittle store? I'll burn it down. I'll just go around headbutting products. Left and right. Until I'm asked to leave. Yeah the store is so, I want to go back in there because it's just it is Well, I'm just trying to get it's always busy. It's always so busy and it's like if you're a tourist in the UK Yeah, there's other things to see even the Eminem is like a UK that thing is it? No, not even like like like Maltesers or something would maybe make more sense like it is that British seems British It seems British. Yeah, my mom loves a Malteser. Moms love Maltesers. Now I have a child who loves Maltesers. Oh, and you can design your own M&Ms

and it costs about 50 quid for a packet. It's like, it's madness. So people that go in there, I was trying to just find some of the other clothing but I can't quite get on their website. Oh, hang on. Let's see here. Merchandise.

But yeah, they sell all sorts of clothing and it's like, who's buying it? Who is wearing M&M's? This is such a good point. So those people. Those people are going on. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. What would they do without the M&M's show? They're just on the island.

So Joey, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, so. Drink, because again, I just don't have any respect for any adult that does this.

It's the mocker. Okay. People that drink mocha. I can't take you seriously at all. And so I just think, ah. I can understand having a hot chocolate. Yeah. And I can understand.

You can understand it, but you wouldn't do it. I think it's very- You've never enjoyed a hot chocolate. As an adult, probably like twice. You think adults shouldn't enjoy hot chocolates? Kids drinking it. I mean, my dad, he doesn't drink tea or coffee. So every morning he used to drink a hot chocolate

with his Weetabix. But even he's stopped doing it. Even now he's seen the light. I love that. Yeah. I love that. Why shouldn't adults drink Nesquik? Monday to Friday, my dad has had the same breakfast

his entire life. One or two Weetabix and with like some milk that's been warmed in the microwave. And... Oh, it's a toddler breakfast. But again, that's not even mine. I just think like, I would never be able to say. What would you like sir?

A mocha. A mocha. It sounds so wet. But don't you think it's like the best of both worlds, you know, cause you get the coffee here, but then you get this, like if you need like comfort. Have yourself a little, a little pump of syrup. Oh, okay.

Well. But I don't know, it just doesn't sit well with me as a drink. It doesn't sit well with you. I don't like it at all. Have you ever had one? Like as a teenager. Because it's like, oh, what is this?

But it's like, you don't mix coffee and tea. You know what I mean? It's like, don't mix coffee and hot chocolate. So that's your thing, don't mix drinks. I just think again, it's what it's not in my mind. I think, because as we're finding out, I'm a deeply judgmental person. I think that I wouldn't like what people might think of me if I ordered a mocha.

What does it say about him? Cause I'm like, you're an absolute fucking loser, mate. I can absolutely see you drinking your mocha. No. I mean, what I've actually gotten done here is I got, I took the, I took the wrong hay fever pill today, right? Cause it's the first took I took the wrong hay fever pill today right because it's the first day of the season for hay fever for me and I took the drowsy one.

Loretta Dean I take because that's non drowsy but which one did you take Benadryl? No I think I took satirism but I don't know which one one does it to me one doesn't but I never remember which one it is and I only find out when I start taking it. So I've tried to overcompensate to not be a bad guest by having so much coffee. And it's such a straw. I did like a double espresso and it's pretty disgusting. You know what would be really nice in there, a bit of chocolate.

Just sweeten it a bit. Put a sugar in. I think it takes back to once I saw a man order a mocha and a muffin at like three o'clock in the afternoon. I was like, no, I don't think I have anything in common with you. Really? I don't know why.

But don't you think that's such a lovely treat? You just can't respect somebody that wants to snack. What do you snack on? I'm a savory snacker. A savory snacker? A chocolate bar. How's a chocolate bar better than a snacker? Yeah. A chocolate bar. How's a chocolate bar better than a muffin?

I don't know, just personal preference, isn't it? I like, and I'm not saying, I'm not trying to be like- A little Fred Darwin in an espresso. How is that different to a hot chocolate? Yeah, I mean, there's no logic to it. I just, if I hear somebody ordering a mocha, I'm like, no, we can't be friends. And-

What if they ordered a peppermint mocha? No, that's worse. Can I change my answer to peppermint mocha? No, I haven't be friends. And what if they ordered a peppermint mocha? No, that's worse. Can I change my answer to peppermint mocha? No, I haven't tried it. It's really good, it's really good. Have we got time to order one in before the end of the show? No, I haven't tried it. Yeah, we gotta get one in, we gotta get one in.

Okay, so what about food, muffins? Now, this is a bit specific because I think it's okay in the comfort of your own home. It can be quite impressive. In public. okay in your own, in the comfort of your own home, it can be quite impressive. In public. But in a restaurant, Oh. Risotto.

Okay, Joey, are you vegetarian? No. You have no idea how hard it is, Joey, for us to get any kind of food. It's always risotto. Yeah, but that's because you keep ordering it. There's no other options, Joey. It's literally just risotto. Yeah, but that's because you keep ordering it. There's no other options, Joey! It's literally just risotto. Risotto? Sorry, Joey, I don't mean to get crass, but

we don't want to eat risotto. It's the only option available to us. But it's dull, right? It's so dull, they won't give us anything else. Right, I know, but plenty of... Maybe it's not the vegetarian's fault, right? It's not our fault. Because it's normal maybe it's not the vegetarians fault. It's not our fault because it's normal It's people that eat me and everything that are ordering risotto. They're not And let me tell you right what people haven't worked out about risotto is risotto is just rice for cunts It's just a plate of rice don't go to don't go out for a plate of rice silky rice there's better things on the menu maybe for you I'm sorry for the options yeah but for people that don't care about the planet or the well-being of animals as much as

they should they're the ones that are doing it you can still plenty of people if if it was only vegetarians ordering a risotto, I think, I think it would disappear. But everybody orders it. I don't know. I've never, I've never seen any way. It's always just me with my sad little risotto. And have you ever cooked a risotto? Well, this is the thing. It's hard to cook. So I think it's so hard to cook. You can't leave it. You have to stay more than a toddler. I know. It also I feel like because of how hard it is to do in your own home, that's fine. It's quite impressive to cook a risotto for, you know, your loved one or your mum or whatever. But if you're. No, I don't think, as anyone ever said risotto, I don't think anyone's ever said risotto before.

I actually, as you saw, I have genuine feelings about risotto because I've had to eat risotto so many times in my life. Yeah, but you don't like it, do you, Harriet? I don't like it. Thank you. But they won't give us anything else. I think it felt personal because it felt like you were attacking people that order risotto,

and I was trying to let you know that it's not a choice. I'm attacking it as a thing. Yeah. Okay, thank you. Sometimes people come on here, and they can be quite personal about me. Oh really? And so, yeah, yeah.

I just had- Who's upset you? I just had Ivo and Alex put my dog on the island. Oh. So, yeah. Was there a particular reason for it being your dog? They know your dog. Yeah, he's a nightmare. I just had Ivo and Alex put my dog on the island. Was there a particular reason for it being your dog? Yeah, he's a nightmare. Yeah, he's an absolute nightmare. He deserves to go on the island.

Half of the people that have been on the island have chosen your dog as something else. Well, I think the only difference is I haven't met your dog. So that might be why I'm not going to put your dog in. He's a nightmare. So he's so sweet though. He's just got a lot of love to give. So yeah, it's harping sunny. Okay, so fortunately, Joey, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck.

It only has two working settings. One has your least favorite film of all time and the other your least favorite song, What Are They and Why? Right? Okay now I Growing growing up in my early adulthood I really liked and I don't dislike him now, but I really like David Bowie Right, but for any any family members that might be listening don't listen to my own podcast But they think me coming on here is a big deal. So they will be listening to this, right? podcast but they think me coming on here is a big deal so they will be listening to this right uh they always buy me because they don't know what else to buy me David Bowie stuff right and I do like David Bowie I do right but people come around my house and go you've got

a lot of David Bowie stuff let me tell you because I don't need another David Bowie hat, mug, book, right? But I do, I do like David Bowie, that being said, right? Yeah. And Mick Jagger is from Dartford. Do you think this is what happened with Skittles? Maybe you once said he liked Skittles. Maybe. And then everybody's, cause my grandma had this with owls.

She once said she liked owls. And then everyone just bought her things with owls on for like 10 years. And then she was like, I just fucking got a house full of owls. Like it's just like, it just has to become your whole personality. Exactly. Yeah.

But then you look like a mad collector. But people see things and they're like, oh, Joey would love this. Cause he's got loads of stuff. Yeah, he's got loads of money. And that's how it happens. But anyway, but I do like that about Bow Bowie and I have a sort of slight or growing up like my dad used to play Ron and stones a lot Mick Jagger's from Dartford, which is

only a stones throw away from where I grew up. And so you would like to think that David Bowie and Mick Jagger doing a song together would be a great thing. A stones throw was a great thing. Thank you. If you never see me do comedy, that's the only joke I've ever written. And they did a song together, and I feel bad about putting this in because it was for charity, but they did Dancing in the Street, and it is one of the most god-awful songs where, what is that saying, it's greater than the sum of all its parts. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's greater than the sum of its parts.

That is a classic example of that. Like it's a really annoying song. They both sound terrible. The video is terrible. Oh, wouldn't that be the opposite? It's worse than the sum of its parts. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I mean.

It's the video opposite. Yeah. A lot of the songs, they're just saying places that they can think of. What places? Well let's see, I'm just going to get the lyrics up here. Just saying places? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's crazy. I don't think I know this song. I don't like, I'm not on the wifi here. But it was for charity? Yeah, it's like Raise Money for like Live Aid and stuff. Wow, but yeah. But if I had to listen to Dancing in the Street over and over again, by the way, I'm Mick Jagger.

Like they just say things like Australia, South America. And then it gets a bit random. Like, I think a bit further. Have you got the lyrics there? Australia, South America. It starts with one of them going, OK, that's the beginning of the song. Tokyo, South America, It starts with one of them going, OK! That's the beginning of the song. Tokyo, South America, Australia, France, Germany, UK, Africa. And then in the song, a bit later on, they have another little go at it. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, dancing in the street.

Baltimore in D.C. dancing in the street. Don't forget the Motor City on the streets of Brazil. They've gone from three cities in America and then just oh back in the USSR which I guess it was called that then so that's fine but yeah and then that's the only places they could think of and I don't know if they're in the original so it is a cover. Are they like shouting them out you think think? Yeah, they are shouting them out. But yeah, so that's my song. The film, I don't even know what it's called, and I've not hardly watched it. But let me tell you, I saw it.

It seems like a great place to make a decision. No, no, no. Because I couldn't believe that a Hollywood film would spend so much money on the opening three minutes of the film being so bad that I had to turn it off with proper actors and everything. It's Jason Bateman. You know him? Yeah. The guy from... Yeah. Wait, is there magic in it?

He... I haven't quite understood the premise because basically it's like, he's a single dad or it's about two single dads and they've had to swap places or one's a, it's like one of those, oh, we've swapped lives things. One is like irresponsible and the other one's not. And the opening of the film, cause I quite like Jason Bateman, I think he's a good actor and he's in it with some other Hollywood actor. And opening like five minutes is him trying to change a baby's nappy. And the baby does quite violent diarrhea

into his face for ages. And I was like, how has this been allowed to be made? Like millions and millions and millions of pounds. And it's the opening of the, and that's the best joke you could come up with, is a baby having... What I believe is called in the... I obviously don't have kids. But a poonami.

Yeah. And like so many people thought that that was a good enough idea to make into... Yeah, that went through so many rounds. So many checks and balances. Yeah. And I was like, no. And you refused to watch any more? I refused to watch it.

But we don't know what it's called. So people could fall for the same mistake. We've got to find out. I did. Jason Bateman. Baby film. That's what I Googled this morning. And then I've not written it down.

No, it did, but I've forgotten. So you did look it up and then you did write it down. Jason Bateman is a bad baby daddy. Oh, the change up. The change up. The change up, never heard of it. What has it got on Rotten Tomatoes out of interest? So I can't see Rotten Tomatoes.

Oh yeah, no I can't, it's 26%. Yeah, see, that seems bad. Yes, a spin on the body switching genre of movies. Oh, and Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, right. So it's Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. Yeah, so it's like big guys being body switching genre of movies. Oh, and Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, right. So it's Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. Yeah, so it's like big guys being paid a lot of money. And then you just think,

because you know Harriet, we're in the grand scheme of things, doing pretty okay as comedians. And sometimes we do things where we go, I really wanna do that, but like we'll pay, I don't know, my tax bill or do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do know what you mean. But I wonder what Ryan Reynolds and Yeah, they don't need that. What they did it for. Yeah, they just thought, oh that's so funny with the baby

poop in the face. And it's like, and it's three million pounds. Yeah, okay, I'll be in number two. But yeah, I just think like, oh, you know how hard it is to get things made, generally. Yeah, okay, I'll be in number two. But yeah, I just think like, oh, you know how hard it is to get things made generally? And you're like, what? And the answer is because they're in it. But again, who liked the idea of it? It just, it sounds to me that that got. But the thing is, you haven't watched the rest.

It could be brilliant. Maybe all these rotten tomato peepers haven't been able to get past the first three minutes. It's just a sketch to them, but maybe there's a lot of depth. No, I don't think so. You don't think so? You don't think there's stuff coming?

I don't think so. I don't think you start there. You know what I mean? Yeah, if you start there, where can you go? And again, as a comedian, you know how hard it is to walk on stage, and if they don't like you in the first 30 seconds, you're done for. Gotta open with some gold.

You've gotta really get them. Yeah, get your best stuff out in the top, yeah. And I would argue in a film of this ilk, like it's not like you've got, it's not like the opening scene of The Godfather or something like that. You know what I mean? We've got time to like take it all in. This is opening with this for a reason and I feel like it's the best it's got. Okay. It's going in. Finally, Joey, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it?

No, I don't think it's necessarily this animal's fault. All right. Um, but it's pampered dogs. I don't know if you pamper your dog a lot. God damn it. Why does everybody come in here and just go for me? I don't understand. What am I doing wrong?

No, it's, I guess I think it's like the ones that get you know handbagged and dressed up and uh that that talk to to a certain extent like a huge like I saw a guy uh say what have I told you about crossing the road What have I told you about crossing the road? It doesn't know. You know that thing on Instagram where it's like the dog can talk because it randomly presses the buttons. It sometimes gets them right in the same way that I'll accidentally do a Rolling Stones joke without realizing.

Sometimes you just get things right without realizing. But have you, but do you have a dog? Have you ever had a dog? I have, yes. You have? Peggy. And you never talked to Peggy? Yeah.

Yeah, so you know what it is when you're just talking to, you've got like a running kind of like chat happening with Peggy and then you're like just talking out loud. I think it's more the pampering and, You're jealous of their lives. I'm gonna be rude about, a little bit. And also when uh, when, when they get put over human beings, you know what I mean? So for example, uh,

my mom and dad have got a dog and my brother and sister have both got dogs independently. If there's a Sunday lunch around my parents' house, all the dogs come and they are all barking at each other. Then everyone's shouting at their own dogs. And then I'm like, I don't want to come around to watch you shout at your dogs I'm sorry and it's like just and I'm gonna say I feel like I could get myself in trouble here right but my agent lives in York I did a gig in York she very kindly let me stay in her spare room and the flat she lives in with her and her boyfriend they've got a new dog I turned up after my gig on Saturday night at about midnight and

their dog's like one years old or whatever, so still a puppy and they said well, he won't he won't settle because you don't normally stay here, so you're gonna have to pretend to leave and then creep up the stairs. And I, at midnight, was just stood outside their flat whilst they put the dog to bed for like a few minutes. And I'm like, I shouldn't be the one out whilst they put the dog to bed for like a few minutes and i'm like i shouldn't be the one out i put the dog outside i think you're jealous of the dogs i think you're jealous that's what it is because every all the dogs getting all the attention and getting treated so nicely by

your family by your agent yeah so i'm gonna say sorry to Daisy, I won't be geeking in your comment with a combination again. And it is a nice dog. Yeah. And I understand how dogs are important to people, but I think when they're too pampered, right, so when I first met my girlfriend, she, for a bit of money, decided to dog sit for someone

and they brought this dog around and it had like attachment issues. Sometimes dogs have attachment issues and it isn't the fault of the owners, Joey. Well, I'm just saying these people, they had like the crate that this dog came in, it was probably more expensive than my car. All right. And I don't know who that says more about, but it does say something about someone. And basically what happened was it was such a little shit, this dog. And we'd only just started dating.

And it started to calm down towards the end of the week. And then we were both in the bathroom and I heard this crash. And it jumped up on the sideboard and knocked some stuff off. And it had knocked some paracetamol onto the floor. And this little, it was one of them little shivery ones. And it had chewed up one of the paracetamols. the floor and this little, it was one of them little shivery ones and it like chewed up one of the paracetamols. No, so dangerous. I know. So then we've had to call the emergency vet. Yeah. And then we found the, found the dog parents and had to be like, oh, this is what the thing was. And they said, whatever, whatever they say, just do it. Right. So now the

vet is having a field day, it's a Sunday night, it's been called out. Said, oh, we'll do blood work. I said, I've never had blood work. I'm a human being, no really. We'll pump its stomach, we'll give it something to make it sick, we're gonna put the dog on a drip. But the vet couldn't get it in the things, the veins. My girlfriend was like, it's trying to bite me,

can you hold it? I'm getting dog's blood on me I've been through a trauma It's so expensive the bill the bill came for that emergency back to that over to grand and For one visit. Yeah, I'm like just do it because it was having like yeah, it was having everything He's having a colonic, I don't know what else it was having, do you know what I mean? It was having all the-

A colonic. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That says someone who's admitted to wearing dog tags. Is there someone who said that earlier? No, that's because I thought I was a rapper. Okay. And any kind of outfit you don't like? I do actually, I think it's more about the dog than the outfit, maybe. Like I wouldn't mind seeing like quite a scary dog dress as a pumpkin.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Dogs can go in. Do they go in a lot? Yeah, they go in a lot, but it's usually some kind of attack at me. Right. It wasn't an attack at you. I was, I was very tempted to put pigeons because I'm having an absolute war. They keep landing on my balcony and I don't know how to get rid of them.

I've got a fake eagle. I've got shiny things. Sometimes I'll just open my curtains because they're wet because now I'm so used to it I'll hear one cooing which wouldn't normally wake you up but I'm like I've got to stop them shitting on my balcony so I'll like get up if my girlfriend I'll just jump over her and like open the curtains and be like, ah! Yeah, you have to go and cock-a-caw! I'm turning into a bird! You're Birdman! Oh yeah, I don't know how you get rid of pigeons. No, and there's lots of things on the internet that tell you that they work, but nothing's working.

And then I put up a big net, but I didn't want to look like I lived in the back of a gull. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do get that. I do get that. Thanks so much for coming on, Joey. What are you up to at the minute? Where can people find you? Classically, a good bit of checking here. When's this coming out? Do you know? In a few weeks, I think. Okay. Well, I've just finished my tour, so... No, I just did stand up all around and also I've got a podcast which I do with my good friend Bilal Zafar called Got a Problem Mate where people bring in a problem to solve

and basically we don't really ever solve any problems it's more just an excuse for a nice chat and it so yeah yeah yeah gotta have a premise that's it yeah that's it yeah gotta have a premise so you can talk about stuff. Yeah. And what's your Instagram? Oh, yeah. We can find your gigs and stuff. It's at Joey Page Comedy.

At Joey Page Comedy. And because I, like any good comedian, want to get off the circuit, I needed to do a video that does like five million views. So if you can all get on that, that'd be nice. I don't mind which one you watch, just Thanks so much. Thanks. It's been great.