Desert Island Dicks - JOHN DEACON: 50TH EPISODE SPECIAL

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

This week we celebrate 50 episodes of Desert Island Dicks with a very special guest - my Dad! Thank you all for listening! If you enjoy what you hear please stick with me, I have a lot of amazing guests planned. I would really appreciate if you could rate, subscribe and pass on to your friends. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to this 50th episode special edition of Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is actor, mechanic, father and former bassist of Queen, my dad, John Deacon. The John Deacon. The John Deacon, yeah.

Thanks, son, yeah. Obviously, my dad isn't the bassist of Queen, but did he get that a lot? Did anyone ever say to you that? Funnily enough, he is the not-known member of Queen. Right, yeah. Because I think down the years I've had about, I think it must have been about two people that have said,

oh, bassist in Queen. Somebody knew who he was. Yeah, really? Yeah, absolutely. Only twice in my life, you know. It's just like, did he get it so few times then? Yeah, yeah, only a couple. You'd imagine it, like, especially like doing your work or whatever,

people would see your name and think, oh, right, you know. But, like, people just don't know. I used to coach Michael's football team. Yeah. And I won this competition to go and have a meeting with Sven Gore and Ericsson. I remember, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And a guy that was, we had a questions and answers session.

And the guy was off of the radio and I stuck my hand up and I actually asked Sven a question. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just before the World Cup. Stuck my hand up and, oh, yeah, a gentleman over there and I said, what's your name?

John Deacon. Oh, bassist of Queen. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, amazing. Okay, what did you ask Sven? A lot of people, they were asking really, really technical questions.

And I asked him a simple question. Do you think we've got a chance of winning the World Cup? Oh, brilliant. That was my question to him. And of course he said yes. And as you know, we limped out miserably. Oh, no. Limped out. That was Owen, wasn't it?

Michael Owen. I can't remember if it was 2000 or 2002. Anyway, I digress. This is the longest intro I think I've ever done. Dad, let's Michael Owen. I can't remember if it was 2000 or 2002. Anyway, I digress. This is the longest intro I think I've ever done. Dad, let's dive in. Who's going to be your first person? Right. My first person is the...

I've written this down. Yeah. The platinum album-selling, Grammy award-winning rap artist, Jay-Z. Really? Yep. Jay-Z. Jay-Z. Dad, I didn't know you had strong feelings about Jay-Z. Come on, let's go. Why Jay-Z. Really? Yep. Jay-Z? Jay-Z. Dad, I didn't know you had strong feelings about Jay-Z.

Come on, let's go. What's wrong? Why Jay-Z? Right. Now, I like to think of myself as the sort of person who loves any genre of music. Any genre. Classical. I'm a child of the 70s.

Yeah. And you name it, down the 70s, you've got them all. To start with, you've got glam rock. Yeah start with, you've got, like, glam rock. Yeah. Bowie. You've got the punk scene. You've got disco. Yeah.

To be quite honest with you, I loved it all. Disco, Saturday Night Fever, I was only a teenager. You've got discos. I've always loved a bit of a dance, but this genre of music, Jay-Z and such, like, I can't bloody stand it. What, rap music? Hip-hop such like, I can't bloody stand it. What, rap music? Hip-hop? Yeah, I can't stand it.

No? Okay. I cannot stand rap music. Okay, now, obviously we're on this show and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt so I've listened, I've heard a couple of his stuff. I never really listened because I don't like it. Not really that familiar with his stuff. But you gave it a go?

Yeah, I gave it a go. I went on, you know, Wikipedia, Googled it, YouTubed it and everything. Did you? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did, yeah. Because you've got to know about the guy before you start slagging him off. Yes. You know.

So I Googled him and I thought, well, I'm going to have a listen because he's, you know, he's got so much plaudits and Grammys and so on and so forth. I've got to have a listen, give him the benefit of the doubt. So I clicked on, and the first thing he'd come up with, one of his songs from the early days, was... What was it now? Let's have a look. Oh, that's it.

99 Problems, it's called. OK. I know this song. You know the song? Yeah. Right, so I'm listening to this, and it's... Oh, God. Oh, I don't know. You know, you know a bit potty mouth sometimes but i don't want to swear in front of my son and i don't want to you know

if i get a bit wound up i might say the odd f word yeah that's all right you've listened to this podcast yeah if i just say f word so anyway 99 problems but my b b i-M-1. But my bitch A-1. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. So I'm thinking, I'm trying to work out how he's been so successful. So I'm watching this video, and up comes Jay-Z, and he's got a message.

He's definitely got a message. So some of the lyrics, they're in there, and they're profound. Some of the lyrics are quite profound. I've listened to a few of them. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, and they're profound. But all I could a few of them. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and they are profound.

But all I could really hear is sex and violence, really. Yeah, right, OK. Sex and violence. Yes. And money and bling and that type of thing. Yeah. OK. The back beat, if you like, what do they call it?

Oh, yeah, the beat, yeah. The beat. Yeah, just the beat, yeah. Yeah, the beat. The beat that's behind it. He's good. Yes. He's good Yes He's good

Because he's used samples Of a lot of other songs A lot of old disco And stuff gets used Yeah Unfortunately your brother's Like this sort of stuff Yes

You know because I walk In the house sometimes And your brother Tom's Got it on full blast Yes And I walk in the kitchen And he doesn't realise I'm there

And he's effing this Effing that Effing effing effing And I'm like Tom And he's like Oh sorry dad Sorry dad

I'm like oh for god's sake I can just imagine, sorry, Dad, sorry, Dad. I'm like, oh, for God's sake. And I can just imagine him walking down the street, F in this, F in that, F in... I know, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, no, please. So it gave me a bit of a telling off, and I'm saying, why are you listening to this?

You know. So I got on Spotify, because they were talking about this album, 444 album? Yeah. Yeah, 444, Jay-Z album. Yeah. Anyway, you know, I'm rubbish technically, aren't I?

So I'm on Spotify trying to find this album. But a couple of tracks were on there. I don't think you could get the whole album, but you know what I'm like. Right, you could get a couple, yeah. A couple, but you know what I'm like. I was probably pressing the wrong button. Yeah. But there was a song came up, and then they've got,

if you like that, you like this. Okay, yeah. Suggested stuff. Yeah, suggested stuff. And one of the tracks was, oh, they've got Justin Timberlake. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, Justin Timberlake. I like a bit of Justin Timberlake.

White Michael Jackson. Didn't he? He's great. You can get up and dance to it. So he's got this song, Suit and Tie. Oh, yeah. Suit and Tie. Long as I've got that suit and tie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right. And then Jay-Z comes in and ruins it all. Oh, yeah. Well, he does, doesn't he? I can't remember what he does. Yeah, I was listening to it. It's great.

I'm bopping about. You know what I'm like. If a good song's on, I'm dancing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the suit and tie come off. Oh, yeah, it's good. I'm tapping my feet and I'm nodding my head. And then, yo, yo, this, yeah, it's good. I tap my feet and I'm nodding my head. And then...

This, that, and the other swearing, and the N word and the F word and this, that, and the other. Yeah. You think it's unnecessary. Oh, no, no. There's... Some of the lyrics, if you listen to them, there is hidden meanings and things in there,

but all I'm listening to is girls, sex, drugs, guns. You know, not in that particular song. So I'm thinking, hmm, right, so you've got young girls like Justin Timberlake. So they would be thinking, oh, Justin Timberlake.

Jay-Z, oh, I've heard of him. Grammy Award winner. You know. Multi-Grammy Award winner, platinum album selling rap artist. I'll have a listen to that. And you go on Spotify and it's got Explicit in the corner. Right, okay. So you get young kids, oh, Justin Timberlake.

So they'll listen to that. And then after him, there's other songs, oh, if you like that, you'll like this. And a couple of the songs afterwards, well, immediately after him, there's two songs, oh, if you like that, you like this. And a couple of the songs afterwards, well, immediately after him, there's two songs. One by somebody called Kendrick Lamar. Yeah. Kendrick

Lamar, yeah. And another one called Lil Wayne. Yeah. I don't know who Lil Wayne is. Lil? I don't know who Lil is. You know what I mean? Is it him? I don't know. I can imagine him sitting there, right, in an old granny wig, and his... And me auntie Lil's old dress, you know, in his bedroom,

doing this crap. Honestly, it was... And some of the stuff he was coming out with, it was like... I think you've picked up on a really specific circumstance in which, if they're on shuffle, especially, and you get the suggestion it goes spotify radio and these songs come on maybe they did like they weren't expecting that and it's like they're exposed to like some quite graphic stuff yeah included in those songs yeah yeah yeah as a parent yes you can't say i walk

in on tom and he's effing and blinding i'm thinking tom tom and he really oh sorry dad oh god he's listening to it and he's repeating what's on the... You know, that's the... So, anyway, there's another thing that was on there. Oh, yeah, go on. They got him on the Live Lounge. Oh, yeah.

BBC Live Lounge. Yeah, yeah. Now, watch that. So he did... Albeit it was live. Yeah. He did something called Numb Encore. Oh, I don't know what that is.

Numb Encore. No, yeah. But that obviously wasn't live. Oh, yes. That was with Linkin Park. He did a song. It was a song by Linkin Park that was called Numb. And he did an album.

They did it together. Yeah. Where they merged it. Yes, right, right, right. Well, Linkin Park went on with him. But he was on the live lounge. And he was obviously not live. Oh, really?

Yeah, because they must have edited it in such a way that his hands, you could not see his mouth move once, only the corner of his mouth. Right, OK. And the angle of the camera, every time, his mouth was covered by the microphone. Right, OK. So that wasn't live.

But his rendition of that, albeit not live, was pretty good. OK, yes. But it has per album. It's not offensive, that one. Do you know what I mean? No. I don't think it has any offences. No, it was on the live lounge. Yeah not live, was pretty good. Okay, yes. But it has per album. It's not offensive, that one. Do you know what I mean? No. I don't think it has any offences. No, it's on the live lounge.

Yeah, so he's playing it from a day and a good. When they say the F word, he's like... But you think he wasn't doing the real deal. They dub it out, don't they? Yeah, you think he wasn't doing the real deal. But then he came on and he did Family Feud. I don't know that one. No, Family Feud, yeah.

Yeah. Well, I didn't know it. No. Yeah. That was bloody awful. Was it? Yeah, it was bloody awful and afterwards

he had a live interview with a girl called Clara Amfo Clara Amfo yeah Clara Amfo yeah now she was like a rabbit

in the headlights really? oh she was she was and it was like honestly wow Jay-Z yes

okay now great performance fantastic and I thought were you watching the same shit as I was watching? wow, Jay-Z. Yes, okay. Now, great performance, fantastic. And I thought, were you watching the same shit that I was watching? Perhaps he watched the one

that was dubbed. Yeah. But I thought, right, okay, she's obviously not watching it. Yeah, right, okay. He's a legend, you know, Grammy Award winner, so she's got to say he's good.

Yes, yeah, yeah. And then she was talking about his latest album. Right. Right, and I thought, okay, fair enough. And she said, yes, and it's really speaking to me, this album. Right. Right, and I thought, OK, fair enough. And she said, yes, and it's really speaking to me, this album. It's really talking to me and talking to me about investing in...

It's talking to me about investing in art and real estate. I'm like, what? Really? What are we talking about? After that, I'm thinking, I've got to find out what real estate, I'll need to work out how I'm going to invest in art

and, you know, real estate, although I've got a house, I'm always interested, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you are, aren't you? You know,

maybe I can get a cheap deal on a four bedrooms, you know. Yeah, free Jay-Z. Yeah. If old Jay-Z puts a word in, you'll, you know, go and put an offer in. That's so good. So, have you bought any art?

No, but your Uncle Martin has. Oh, God. Yeah, maybe listen to Jay-Z. Oh, my God. Has he brought any more out? I hope not. He's bought out about half a dozen pieces. God knows who told him to, bless him.

Where does he get them from? Lecture of charity shop? No, he goes to an art gallery. Poor old Martin got a pot to piss in. He's buying loads of art, bless him. He thinks it's an investment for the future. Well, it might be, but he'll be long gone by the time... By the time he cashes this in, he'll be dead. Oh, my God, I hope he leaves it to the kids.

He has got some nice pieces, Martin, but at the moment... So, anyway, I'm thinking, investing in real estate. Anyway, so I went on and I found it. It's a song called O.J.? Right. Story of O.J., O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson. Wow, okay.

Right, so... And you listen to the song. I saw it on the video on YouTube. Yeah. And that spoke to me of the inequality for black people. Right, okay. Okay. Interesting, okay.

Yeah, it was. Yeah. It's very profound. Yeah. You listen to the song, and it says the N-word all the way through. Hmm. Bang, bang, bang. But you watch the video song and it says the N word all the way through bang bang bang but you watch the video and it rings true

okay it's got about burning cross clue clutch clan you know them makes you think about that awful stuff

them dickheads who wear them triangle hats yes yeah you know they wear the hats so you don't know who they are yeah

you know them sort of people those cowards yeah those cowards but halfway through the song she must have just been listening on an iPlayer and halfway through the song, she must have just been listening on an iPlayer, and halfway through the song he's saying,

I could have bought some real estate for two million and now it's worth four, in a couple of years' time it's worth eight. And then later on he says something about art and buying a paint, I'm sure if I'm right in saying, he says something about a painting, could have bought it for similar money.

You know, millions and it's worth more millions. Right. I'm thinking, well, where's this Clara Amfo getting the fact that he's giving her tips to buy art and real estate? You know, but she's starstruck. She's starstruck.

She's got to say something, yeah. She's got to say something. Fair enough. She's interviewing one of the biggest artists in the world. Yeah. And she's nervous as hell. Yes. So we're saying Jay-Z, first choice. We're saying Jay-Z.

But sort of Jay-Z with an umbrella of rap music. Yeah, rap music. I picked him for rap music. Yeah. But I've got to put a reason why I don't want him there. Okay. And in the interview, she's asking him what he likes doing. Yeah.

And he said, he says, oh, I like getting with friends and food. Okay. So he said, do you cook? And he said, oh, no, I don't cook. Yeah. So, due to that fact, I wouldn't want him on the island

because he can't bloody cook. Yeah. And if I'm singing, you know, like a bit of a sing song, he'll butt in, rip him. Yes, and ruin it. I can't have that. It'll ruin my song.

Right, okay. That's him, Jay-Z. He's in there. Jay-Z is going to be your first choice on the island. Thank you very much, Dad. And who's going to be your second choice? Am I allowed to have people who have passed away? Yeah, of course you can. Yeah. Right, okay. My second choice is Peter Stringfellow. Peter Stringfellow. Yep. Interesting. King of clubs. Right. King of clubs. Peter Stringfellow. Okay, I've never heard you mention him before, so here we go, Peter Stringfellow.

Yeah, I've got a good reason why I've picked him, but when I was, you know, doing my research on Peter Stringfellow... Yes, nice. Now, there's two reasons why... Well, there's a few reasons. One reason is if you Google Peter Stringfellow in a thong. Oh, God. In a thong. No, no, God. In a thong.

No, no, no. In a thong. No, no, no. Yeah, honestly. I've seen it. You've seen it? Yeah. You Google it.

And I saw it back in the day in the papers. And it was like, oh, no. What are you thinking of, man? Yeah. You know, and his wrinkly arse. Oh, God. Up the beach. Yeah.

Up the beach. He'd be there, wouldn't he? Oh, yeah. And I'd have to look at that. On the island, do you think? Oh, on the island. It'd't he? Oh, yeah. And I'd have to look at that. On the island, do you think? Oh, on the island. It'd be about in a thong.

It'd be about in a thong. Well, it's a desert island, it'd be hot, wouldn't it? And he, oh, I'll just put my thong on. Wouldn't it? Oh, no, no. Oh, no.

And I'd go fishing. I'd have to go and catch some fish, wouldn't I? Because I'd be, Jay's here, he'd be sitting there, rapping. Right.

And there'd be Stringfellow there, you know. I'll tell you what'll happen. They'll say, oh, John, you know, can you put this pole up? Right. Hang a pole up

and Stringfellow will be spinning around the pole, Jay-Z will be rapping and I'll be fishing. Okay. Catching something to eat. And when I get out at the sea,

hopefully I catch something, I'll have to slap him on the arse with it. Why? Well, I would. Have you seen the to slap him on the arse with it. Why? Well, I would. Have you seen the advert? I can't remember what advert it is. A car advert? Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, where there's a couple like walkers walking down the road, naked. Right.

And I think it's a car advert and there's driving past him somebody in a car and they reach out with a fish and slap him on the arse. Oh, yeah. Have you seen that one I have seen that yeah that'd be string fellow

okay I would have to walk I'd have to slap him on the arse with a fish okay no so obviously that's the thong thing

yeah okay horrible yeah yeah I don't know how long we've got I've got another little

story about thong you've got time go yeah now yes thong yeah yeah go on you know what I'm going to say I know Yeah. Yeah. Now. Yes. Thong.

Yeah. Yeah, go on. You know what I'm going to say, don't you? I do. You know what I'm going to say. I do, yeah. You do? Yeah. Right.

Now, for the benefit of the listeners. Oh, shit. For the benefit of the listeners, my son has been into music, well, all your life, haven't you? Yeah. Because, yeah, you get that from me yes yes always had music didn't we ran that yeah always been in music now when james was 15 13 13. 13. when james was 13 13 13 he used to knock about with lads who were a lot older. Six formers? Six formers at your school?

Year 11, sort of. Yeah, he's always conversed with kids and got on with kids who are older. Yeah. Haven't you, James? Yeah. Right. Now, back to the thong. I got given, as a joke, a thong for my birthday.

Yeah. Didn't I? I remember. Yes. Right, okay, so... What was it, your 40th birthday or something at the time? It was 40th. Yeah.

It was 40th that I'd have made you 15. Yes. No. Yeah. Well, maybe it was young. I was definitely 13. Yeah, maybe it was before then. Anyway, go on, yeah, yeah.

Definitely 13. Right, okay, so... He persuaded me and his mother... to go to Reading. Yes. Because somebody had a spare ticket, didn't they? So I got given this thong for the birthday present and somebody borrowed it to put in their little case

to go to Reading, didn't they? Yeah, it was me. Yeah, I know it was you. So we... Obviously, James being 13 and all these others going... Older. Older. We said to them,

look, please, just keep an eye on them for us. Worried parents, oh yeah, we'll keep an eye on them and it'll be tickety-boo. So we found out later on. None of this is going in. No, it will. Don't worry. No, we found out later on that James was pissed walking around Reading in

this song. Yeah. Is that right? That's right. I'm like, and you know, the funniest thing about it is, right, I was clearing out my old pant drawer the other day.

No. I was having to clear out the old pant drawer. Right. Yeah. Because we were going away, me and your mum, it was our wedding anniversary,

I thought, I better get some new pants. As you do. As you do. As you do. And I was pulling out my old grums, right,

and in the back of that drawer is that bloody... No! Yep. No way! It's tucked in there. I'm like, hang on a minute. I'm thinking, oh, God, did he tuck it back in there? Is it still got red and shit on the back?

It might do. Oh, no. I don't know. Oh, I don't know. Funny enough, I didn't tuck it away. I put it back in there. It's still there. Yeah.

I'll take it next time I'm back. I remember, I think what it was, was we were mucking about at home, right? And I was just like, as you do, just messing about as kids. And I got it out, right? And I went, everyone else was downstairs in the house. You and mum weren't there.

I came striding in in it. And they all dared me to bring it with to the festival so I took it with me. Yeah, 13 year old pissed off walking around in Reading. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. That was really... I was wise for my years. Yeah. Ish. Yeah. Dad. Yeah.

Peter Stringfellow's going to be your second choice. Yeah. And who's going to be your third choice? A bloke called Dave. A bloke called Dave? A bloke called Dave.

Just a bloke called Dave? Yeah, a bloke called Dave. A bloke called Dave? A bloke called Dave. Just a bloke called Dave? Yeah, a bloke called Dave. Okay. Do I know Dave? No. Oh, okay. You don't know. I'm calling him Dave

because I know a couple of people called Dave. Right. It's a generalisation name. Right, okay. This is a little bit more serious. Are you hiding

someone's identity? I am. Oh. Interesting. Yeah. Unfortunately, this isn't comedy. This is a little bit more... Go on, go on. This is a bit more serious. Okay. Okay. The listeners are out there. This

particular person, you all hate him. Oh. You all. Okay. Everybody hates this person. Interesting. Alright, go on. Right, okay. I'm going to tell you a story. This is Dave. It's not his real name. I'm'm going to tell you a story this is dave it's not his real name i'm not going to let on what his real name is it doesn't matter okay because he'll probably find out who it is and hunt me down i'll let i've i've let i'm just

going to let the listeners know in your eyes right now is dad he's changed i don't see this guy that often but his eyes have changed he's gone a little bit he's gotten serious here yeah yeah i get angry with people like this because they're the type of people that look down on other people who's dave come on okay so dave dave was a car trader yeah okay and he's the sort of guy that um i'll tell you a story what happened and this explains it and everybody will hate him after this okay um the car sales sold a car to a friend we knew this person, a girl she was a nice girl sold her this car through

my friend who worked for him now we were out in the pub he was lording it and he did that basically as a young lad it's a bit weird but people sort of thought I'd love to be like him because it was sort of days of

the Saturday night fever thing. And if you think of a slick sort of bloke, Rolex watch, Ferraris, and honestly, this was the type of guy he was. Right.

Car sales, that type of stuff there. Flashy stuff. Flashy stuff. And you're looking at him thinking, I'd like to be like him. Cool. And the girls,

he was quite a good looking lad. Okay, quite tall, quite good looking. And I knew for a fact that he used to go to clubs and he used to pull girls and this, that and the other. Unfortunately for them.

You know what I mean? But anyway, we were coming out of this pub this time and he'd sold this girl a car. Nice girl. And she didn't want it. She didn't like the car. She was really upset about it. And my mate said, look, don't worry about it.

I'll see what I can do for you. And they gave her her money back. They wouldn't normally, it's sort of like you wouldn't normally give her her money back. So anyway, walking out this pub and lo and behold, she walked past with a friend of hers. Hello, how you doing? Oh, fine, yeah. And he picked up that it was this girl and he ripped her to shreds. What? Ripped her to shreds. What do you mean?

Called her an ugly bitch. What? Is this the one who didn't buy the car? I'm not surprised. Look at you, you're a big cow and all that. Yeah, honestly. Oh, my God. Yep, yep.

And I'm like, and it's, honestly, it's so, it's one of those moments in life that, I've been to parties around this girl's house. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I knew her through, not through mega friends, but mates and mates. You go to parties around her drinking and that, you know yeah i knew her through not through mates and

mates you get parties around her drinking and that great nice girl and everything but after that as a young lad i was embarrassed you couldn't do it i couldn't do it i couldn't look her in the face yeah and to this day still if i if i walked it walked up to her i would be oh hello how are you doing and i'd i'd go back to that time and I'd be most embarrassed you know I'd think there was a young lad at 18 now you're talking to Dave and Dave was like the sort of guy that

if you got on the wrong side of him he could rip you to bits but he'd get everybody else in on it if you know what I mean so you said something about him oh hang on a minute so and so's done this

oh look at him he's this that and the other and the other people would laugh because he's Dave because he's, he's this, that and the other. And the other people would laugh. Oh, God, yeah. Because he's Dave. Yeah. Because he's Dave. Right, yeah.

He's one of them. You think, you know what? And later on in life, like I say, earlier on, I thought, I really want to be like him. Cars and this, that and the other. But he was Dave. And when you get later on in life, you think, you know what, Dave?

You're a fucking arsehole. Yeah, yeah. You are an arsehole yeah and anybody listening if you've got a dave because there is there's dave floating about all over the place you know think about it you know i don't want to say anything because dave is friendly with them and friendly with them but trust me everybody thinks he's an arsehole yeah but they don't they don't say anything so if you think he's an arsehole just pipe up saying shut your mouth chuck him

you're better off without Dave shut your mouth you're an arsehole yeah that's it that's Dave and Dave

everyone watch out for Dave we all know one I'm thinking of a few and I'll tell you after this yeah yeah okay

Dave is going to be your third and final person thank you very much dad this is the sound of your ride home with dad to be your third and final person. Thank you very much, dad. This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA.

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson ads. Go to Lipson ads dot com now. That's L I B S Y N ads dot com. Now, mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad? Booze. Booze? Whiskey. Drink is whiskey. Your first choice was whiskey. Yes. I struggle with whiskey.

Go on. Yeah, it's vom juice. Yes, it is vom juice. It is vom juice. It's that drink that your first taste of alcohol. Yes. First taste of alcohol, mine was whiskey. Now, this was about when I was 14.

Yeah. Yeah. But you just take it out of the cupboard, do you know what I mean? No, no, no. What it was, we knew a lad, he was a bit of a scallywag actually,

this lad, he works in a pub and he used to do cleaning glasses and he used to nick the old bottle. Ah. Oh, what lads, want to buy a bottle of whiskey? 20p.

Really? Yeah, 20p, 50p, bottle of whiskey. And as a 13, 14 year old-old kid, you're thinking, ooh, yeah, I've seen it on the telly, I know some of that. Bottle of whiskey. Saw John Wayne drinking some of that, I know some of that. Right, yeah.

Right, so anyway. How much was the bottle at the time in the shop? Oh, I don't know, four or five quid. Oh, wow, so it's cheap. Oh, yeah, 50p. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, 50p. Anyway, you know what it's like, me and my mates hanging about, have a bit of whiskey. I know what it's like, yeah, 50 pence. Ooh, yeah. Ooh, 50 pence. Anyway, you know what it's like?

Me and my mates hanging about. Have a bit of whiskey. I know what it's like, yeah. I know, yeah. Necked it. Half a bottle of whiskey. Did you? Yeah.

You wasted? Yeah. Yeah. And it hit me like a train. Did it? Yeah, it did. Fell over. Kicked on the floor.

Did you? Yeah, I did, yeah. Went home that night, hanging about with my mates Sat in the chair Blind drunk Were you? Yeah Your grandma, me mum You alright son? Oh I don't feel too good

Really? Yeah I don't feel too good mum Oh off to bed then Off to bed then Picked all night long Did you? Yeah

Got up the next morning You alright? Do you know what I've done? Oh yeah Oh I don't feel too good mum Oh you better go off to school then Yeah Yeah I don't do I really don't feel too good, Mum. Oh, you'd better go off to school then. Yeah, I don't do... I really don't feel too good, Mum. No, no, you need to go to school, son.

Oh, really? Yeah, she knew what I'd done. She's tough, she wouldn't mess about. Yeah, she knew what I'd done. Yeah, you'd better go... I went to school with a hangover. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, I went to school with a hangover the next day. Yeah. Right, so later on in life you think,

you know what, people, I don't know about whisky. I've got to try it, I've got to revisit it. No, no, no. No, no, I've got to revisit it, because there's different types of whisky. There are different types of whisky. You've got to try them. Maybe I'm missing something here.

So we went to Dublin. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jameson Factory. And at the end of it, anybody want to try a bit of whisky? You think? Little tots all the way along the bar. I'll have a go.

And every single one tastes like vom juice. Oh! Honestly, you know when... Because you can't shake it because it happened to you that first time. Yeah, I call it vom juice. You know when you're going to be sick and you start to salivate?

You taste it, yeah. It's whiskey. Oh, no. And that is it. And that's whiskey. I'm the same. Yeah. I can't touch it.

I know why you can't. Maybe, yeah, I'm pretty sure why I know you don't like whiskey. Why? Because we went to a party. It was Deb's 40th. Right. Remember? You've been to your auntie Christine's all dressed up in tuxes.

Oh, yeah. Same day as Deb's. They had a house party. Right. Yeah. Me and your brothers. Yeah. And your sister.

And we all glammed up. Went to a dad house party. I do vaguely remember, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we ended brothers. Yeah. And your sister. And we all glammed up, went to a dad house party. I do vaguely remember, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And we ended up crashing out on the sofa. Did I puke everywhere? No, no. Oh.

And in the morning, we'd had a few drinks. In the morning, you got up and said, I'm really thirsty. What's in that glass? And Bill, my mate Bill said, there's a glass there. It's apple juice. Oh, no. Do you not remember that? No.

And you said, oh, lovely. I love a bit of that. Oh, yeah, apple juice. Oh, no. Do you not remember that? No. And you said, oh, lovely, I'll have a bit of that. Oh, yeah, apple juice, I'm really thirsty, and you necked a glass of whiskey. Oh, no. I'm pretty sure I might have said you vommed up. Yeah, I probably would have, yeah. The vom juice. Yeah. Okay, whiskey. Vom juice. Vom juice, yeah.

And what's going to be your food choice? Food choice? Kidney. Kidney. Kidney. That's quite obvious. A lot of people say, oh, I don't like kidney either. Yes. But kidney, it sneaks in there. I love a pie.

Yes. I love a steak pie. I know you do. Steak and ale pie. I know you do. Steak and onion pie. I love a pie. I know you do.

And every so often, oh, get us a pie, a steak pie. And they'll come back, and they'll be steak and kidney. Oh, no. Oh, I hate kidney. And a bit of kidney floating about in there. And you put a mouthful and it's...

I'm old school and I don't like... If you've got it in your plate, I like to eat it. You just eat it, yeah. Yeah, and there's a bit of kidney in there. Oh, Dad. Now, I know. But kidney, it filters your blood. It does.

It filters the shit out of your blood. Really metallic flavour. Yeah, and it filters... And the shit's still in there. Oh, no. And it tastes of shit. Yeah. I've never eaten it, but I can imagine shit taste of kidney. Yeah, and it filters you. And the shit's still in there. Oh, no. And it tastes of shit. Yeah. I've never eaten it,

but I can imagine shit taste of kidney. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there you go. So there's kidney. It's turd. That's turd. That's not its kidney.

It's raised kidney. No, it's turd. Oh, it's horrible. Yeah, it is. And the texture. Yeah, and it ruins a pie. It's horrible flavour, isn't it? Yeah, it ruins a pie.

The same with liver for me. Yeah. Yeah. I went out to a it? Yeah, it ruins a pie. The same with liver for me. Yeah. Yeah. I went out to a fancy restaurant. My mate lived in London. It was only in our mid-20s minimum. Come down here, fancy restaurant. Go to the restaurant.

And I just didn't know what was on the menu. It was one of them. Yes. You know, in mid-20s, you know. Just went with it, yeah. You know, when I went out, meals there and steak and chips. And this, I said, oh, a bit of soup. I'll have this bit of soup

lovely lovely and it come out and it got these little pepper seeds floating about on the top yeah and I was like

eat it and it's bloody awful it's cold and all my stuff excuse me it's cold and me mate said it comes like that

oh no what and it's bloody awful and then they and they ordered what I thought was steak oh and it come out

and it tasted it was kidney oh oh no i couldn't i couldn't understand the menu i said man what's that you said i think it's a bit of steak is it oh yeah you know yeah yeah and it was and it tasted that oh and mostly afterwards i was that hungry i couldn't eat it well i fought my way through it but i went down to burger after I did. I was starving. Yeah. I was starving. Yeah. No, it tastes like shit.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, kidney. Oh, God. Right, kidney. No kidney. All right. Yeah, I understand that. I hate liver.

Yeah. It's a similar sort of... They're just organs you shouldn't be eating. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, brains. I had a neighbour. You remember Fred? He used to live opposite.

Fred? Yeah. Fred, across the way. Yeah. He used to say, oh, I'd like a bit of brain. Oh, what? Hannibal Lecter? Yeah, he used to go to the local butcher and he used to put brain. If he's struggling with an animal, he used to put a bit of brain to one side.

He never did. He said, it's lovely, you want to try it? Oh, what? Yeah, try a bit of brain. No, thank you, Fred. Yeah. That is horrible. Yeah.

Kidney. Kidney's going to be your food choice. Yeah, kidney, kidney, yeah. Thank you veryney, yeah. Thank you very much, Dad. Dad, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work,

but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Right. My film is the Stanley Kubrick 1968 classic, 2001 A Space Odyssey. Okay.

Yep. I'm going to go straight out there and say, I know it's sacrilege to many people, I've never seen it. You've never seen it. Go on, you have to fill me in. Now, this film has got loads of plaudits about it, And it is stated somewhere, don't know by who, it's considered by some to be the greatest movie of all time.

What? Yeah. Okay. Now, I'll tell you why it's so disappointing to me. Go on. Now, this film came out in 1968. Yeah. Your granddad used to take me and your Uncle Mark to the pictures on a Sunday.

Right. If there's a you come out, a Disney film or whatever, not every Sunday, but every Sunday, oh, there's a Disney film, I'll take you boys to the pictures Sunday night. Nice. Oh, great a Sunday. Right. If there's a you come out, a Disney film or whatever, not every Sunday, but every Sunday, oh, there's a Disney film, I'll take you boys to the pictures Sunday night. Nice. Oh, great.

Lovely. Yeah. Sweets and what have you. 1968, I was five. Yeah. If I went to see it in 1969, I should have been six. Right.

And this had such an effect on me, this film, that I can remember it like it was yesterday. Really? Because your granddad, he'd heard about it. Fantastic. Spaceships, this,, he'd heard about it. Fantastic. Spaceships, this, that and the other.

Brilliant. Is that right, Dad? Yeah, Dad, fantastic. Yeah, we're going to go and see this film. Right, yeah. And it ain't Star Wars. No, yeah. You know, if it had been Star Wars,

I'd have come out there tripping. Yeah. So I went in this film and your grandad had to take the hitching. Right. You used to go to Letchworth Broadway Cinema. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for the benefit of the listeners,

James used to work at the Broadway. I did, for years. He used to work at the Broadwayworth Broadway Cinema. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For the benefit of the listeners, James used to work at the Broadway. I did, for years. He used to work at the Broadway as a projectionist, didn't he? I did, yeah.

Worked his way up from popcorn to projectionist. Yeah, I did. That's right. And they also used to have the Palace Cinema.

Now, Palace Cinema is famous that Michael Winnie used to skive out of school and go and watch films there. Is that right? Because he used to

go to school in Letchworth. Ah, interesting. That's right. Yes. Anyway, they pulled it down Because he used to go to school in Ledgworth. Ah, interesting. That's right. Anyway, they've pulled it down now. Yeah, it was around the corner, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pound stretcher there.

Oh, nice. Typical. But your grandad took us to the Regal cinema in Hitchin. Right, yes. Go to the Regal. I've heard of the Regal. Nice.

You know, go to Ledgworth. Go to the Regal. Yeah, big film. Anyway, went in to see the film. Six-year-old kid. Yeah. Looking at this. Spaceships, this, that and the other.

And during it, a bone gets thrown in the air. And suddenly, music strikes up. Da, da, da. Da-da. Okay. Good. Okay. And I've written it down now.

You'll be impressed with this. Go on. Okay. Suddenly, Okay, and I've written it down here. You'll be impressed with this. Go on. Okay, suddenly the film's running. Firstly, there's an obelisk. Obelisk. What's an obelisk? Oh, it's like a big slab. Okay, yeah, I know it.

Like a tombstone, if you like. A great big granite thing, black granite thing, floating through the air. Then suddenly you've got a Neanderthal man scrabbling around the floor. Right. And this obelisk is in front of him. Yeah.

And suddenly there's a fight. Somebody hits somebody with a bone. And then this thing's chucked out in the air, a bone. And suddenly there's a spaceship. Right. Spaceship, right. And this piece of music strikes up. And it is also spraked Zarathustra.

Okay. There's a mouthful. All right, well done. Write it down. A bit of research there by Richard Strara. Okay. There's a mouthful. Write it down. A bit of research there. By Richard Strauss. Ah. That is... Da, da, da.

Da-da. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, da. And it's all this scene about the spaceship. Yes, I know the music. Okay. Little kid watching this. Fantastic. Fantastic.

And then there's another spaceship comes up. Other things happen. Another spaceship comes up and's other things happen another spaceship comes up and they they play a piece The Blue Danube by Johann Strauss right yes

and this piece goes on for ages hmm and all the time it's just circling around this spaceship don't get me wrong in the time I suppose

the actual special effects and everything oh wow yes and it's like if you can imagine for instance, you're flying around the Death Star

on Star Wars for ten minutes. Okay, right, okay. That type of thing, looking at it. It's going to get a bit boring, yeah. It's going to get a bit boring. You need some action.

Okay, now, in between the film there's other things that happen, which are quite good. Yeah. There's a computer called HAL and he turns on the people in spaceships, state of the art, it's quite good graphically. computer called HAL and he turns on the people in spaceships

state of the art it's quite good graphically and then later on there's a scene where it goes all psychedelic and the guy ends up

in a bed as an old man right you're like what's going on like he's gone through a wormhole in time and he's just in the bedroom

as an old man but as a kid you're like what is going on here what's going on look at this six year old kid fantastic

yeah what's this? Oh, brilliant. Look at that. And I walked out there and your granddad said, oh, what a load of shit. Did he? Did he?

He did. I'm like, eh? He said, what a load of, I've never seen so much shit in my whole life. I'm like,

really? Before we went there, it was like, this is the greatest thing since Fast Spread. I've heard all about it. Really? Yeah.

That had such an effect on me, a profound effect as a kid. I've revisited that film a couple of times over the years. To try? To try. People have said it's the best film of all time. Yeah. And I've seen it maybe two or three... In fact, I watched it again a few months ago.

That's how I know really what things happen in it. Yes. And that man was right, it was shit. It was? It is shit. Does nothing happen? Well, I'll tell you what. really out at what things happen in it and that man was right it was shit it was it's shit because nothing happens well I'll tell you what if you condense the film down in

one hour forty odd minutes film if you condense it down to the good bits you'd probably get about ten oh really yeah honestly

but it's meant to be one of the best films of all time apparently and apparently the people that did the reviews on it give it a fantastic review

in the 60s were high on LSD and yeah that's right because a lot of people so it all made sense yeah a lot of people apparently the previews

and people walked out on famous people walked out halfway through saying it's shit but then the old LSD boys got on it and you know they saw

it's the best film of all time they saw something else at the end they saw the wormhole and the bloke on the bed as an old man and suddenly

all made sense to them yeah suddenly they had an epiphany and, yeah, that was it. Okay, yeah. That's my film. No good. Yeah. Okay, and you're stuck on the island having to watch that over and over again for the rest of your life. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, another thing, like Kubrick, right, is notorious for spending anal about things.

Famous thing in The Shining where Jack Nicholson smashes through the door. Yeah. You know, apparently he's shot that hundreds of times. Right, okay. anal about things. Famous thing in The Shining where Jack Nicholson smashes through the door. Yeah. You know, apparently he's shot that hundreds of times. Right, okay. Okay. Now,

for the benefit of the listeners, I've been told I look a bit like Jack Nicholson. You have, yes. Yes. And he does. Strike a resemblance. Strike a resemblance.

And I do a mean... Here's Johnny. Here's Johnny. Here's Johnny! And I do look like him when I do it. And I say that myself. Yeah.

Okay, I could have done it in one. Now Kubrick done it hundreds of times. Now, as you know, when you said at the beginning, I'm a film star, I did a bit of extra work, didn't I? Yeah. I did a bit of extra work. Yeah. And I worked with a lady a couple of times on the film set

and get chatting to her. Her husband worked on Eyes Wide Shut. Right. Right. And the first scene where they drive up to the mansion, I watched it and revisited it just to get a snippet of it. This guy, they had him back every night for a week. To get that?

To get that scene. Hundreds of times. This girl told, I didn't know the guy himself, this lady's husband. They called him back every night. It's due to do it one night or two nights. They called him back every night for a week. They saw it hundreds of different times.

Oh, my God. And that actual scene is back every night for a week. They saw it hundreds of different times. Oh, my God. And that actual scene is on the film for a minute. As if. Yeah. Now, the funny thing is, when they walk into this mansion, it's just a sex thing. Yeah. Oh, right.

And there's lots of simulated sex going on. Not to say simulated. Sexual scenes. Yes, yeah. Now, there's weird people in cloaks and masks and everything, voyeurs, watching people having sex. Right. On tables and chairs and things like that.

And I was thinking, bloody hell, they're naked, simulating sex or whatever. I was thinking, did Kubrick have them there all week? Did he? Yeah. Did he have them there all week? He might have done. Can you imagine how the conversation went? Oh, hello, how are you getting on?

Yeah. Last night, yeah. Yeah, well, can you take your went? Oh, hello, how are you getting on? Last night, yeah, couldn't you take your positions? Oh, yeah, and anyway, I had a nice fish and chips last night. Yeah, yeah. And they're sitting there buck naked. Oh, right, carry on then. Sitting there buck naked, sort of simulating sex.

And Kubrick had them there every night of the week. Oh, my God. Can you imagine it? It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. So, obviously, that's going to be awkward if you're an extra, isn't it? But you did loads of extra work, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah, I did, yeah, yeah. Like what kind of stuff? I'll tell you what. Remind the listeners. I'll tell you what, the most surreal thing I ever did, remind the listeners. They wouldn't have seen me. Of course, yeah.

They wouldn't have seen me, because do you remember that time I did EastEnders? Yeah. And Boxing Day edition? Oh, yes. When I first became an extra, I was in the Queen Vic. Yes, I remember. I was in the Queen Vic. All the family around the house remember that time I did EastEnders? Yeah. And Boxing Day edition. Oh, yes. When I first became an extra, I was in the Queen Vic. Yes, I remember. I was in the Queen Vic.

All the family around the house. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, it was on Boxing Day. Yeah, I'm boxing. I'm going to be on EastEnders. You saw the back of my hand and my arm. I remember it. It's like, oh, bollocks.

I had the piss taken out of me good and proper with that, and I never told anybody after that. But the most surreal thing... It was like, actually, there was an episode a few episodes ago of this podcast and Tom Holmes was on it and he mentioned Green Street and I didn't mention that you were in it. I was in it, yeah.

I know. He was on about a riot at the beginning, West Ham and Tottenham. We're near Carnaby Street right now. It was a scene, wasn't it near Oxford Circus or something? I can't remember, but it was around there. I think it was around Oxford Circus. And they set up like a riot scene. Yes.

And they had a riot and people, and it was Elijah Wood come walking up the stairs. Yeah. And they had a riot and people, and it was Elijah Wood, come walking up the stairs. Yeah. And as he comes walking up the stairs, I'm the copper. Right, that's there. And you see me and I'm directing people and telling people what to do and I'm the copper.

I know. I forgot to say it. For literally a few seconds, but that was me. But the weirdest thing I've ever done was, I was a double and a hand double for Ozzy Osbourne. I remember, yes. Yeah. And it was surreal.

Afterwards, I thought, that was the weirdest thing that's ever happened. Right, yes. How did that come about then? What was it for? The agent put me onto it. Oh, okay.

Okay, your job. Do you want to do it? It was a butter advert. Right, yes. It was like butter, but not butter. Right, yes. Now, they've got

John Coleshaw there. Ah, yeah. John Coleshaw there. Ah, yeah. John Coleshaw there, imitating him. So it's Ozzy Osbourne, right, John Coleshaw and me sitting in this kitchen of this big house where they rented this house to film this thing. Right. And I'm dressed up as Ozzy Osbourne.

So is John Coleshaw. Wigs, all to get up, the glasses, OK, the bling. I hand-doubled for him and I stood in for him. Did they draw the tattoos on? Tattoos. Did they do it? Yeah, I got my hands manicured. Wow, nice.

I've never had that before. Lovely. Yeah, I'm a girl, manicured. Drew the tattoos on my hands. Nice. I had his rings and everything as well. Wow. OK.

And we're sitting there having coffee in this big kitchen and they brought a cow in. Really? Yeah, brought a cow. Clippity-clop, in come this cow. And a real cow? And I'm sitting there with Ozzy Osbourne, John Coleshaw and me.

And a cow. All dressed as Ozzy and a cow. That is the most surreal moment. Yeah, and the scene is, I don't know how the scene went. I didn't even see it on the telly. But something to do with butter and not butter. And there was me and this cow, right? And I thought, you know, something crossed my mind. Later on, I thought, well, if that cow kicks off, something spooks it, there's going to be bloody Aussie Osseballs

anywhere, you know, all over the place. Somebody's going to walk in the clear up and say, where's Aussie? That's Aussie. No, that's not him. You know, pull my wig off. Get Aussie out of here. Yeah, get Ozzy out of here. And it's like, which one is it? We're running around the kitchen. Quick, grab Ozzy. Yeah. The cow kicked off.

There's a cow kicking off and shitting everywhere and jumping all over the place. Honestly. And this lady brought it in. She was a cow trainer. What? Really? Yeah, cow trainer.

And pat the doors open, tap the floor. Come, Daisy. Come, Daisy. Come, Daisy. He open, tap the floor, come Daisy, come Daisy, come Daisy, tapping on the floor, and she's followed in by this big, this bloody great big cow. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy.

And that was it, yeah. It would have been... Must have been such a strange time, Dad. Eh? Must have been such a strange time. Maybe, maybe, hang on, maybe it was on LSD. Maybe you were. If I revisit... A Space Odyssey.

A Space Odyssey, that'll be it. It'll be great, yeah. And that's it,. If I revisit... A Space Odyssey. A Space Odyssey, that'll be it. It'll be great, yeah. And that's it, yeah. Okay, 2001 A Space Odyssey. Yeah. Thank you very much. And what's going to be your song choice? Hi Ho Silver Lining.

Hi Ho Silver Lining. By Jeff Beck. Hi Ho Silver... Yeah. Yeah. Now, the reason I hate this song is because I like a bit of a dance. You know, as dad...

I know you do. As dad dancers go, I'm the Don. You're up there, yeah. I'm up there with the best of them. You are, yeah. Aren't I? My moonwalk is second to none. Yeah.

Until I trip over. Yeah, yeah. It is. You're a very good dad dancer, yeah. I am a very good dad dancer. Yeah. And if a song comes on that I don't like, I hate dancing to it, I will sit down.

You know, I'm up dancing to something, you're grooving, grooving. Oh, my God. If you can't get into it, yeah. Grooving. I'm up dancing something, grooving, grooving. Oh, my God. If you can't get into it. Grooving. I'm up dancing, I'll dance, and then the DJ, if they're a shit DJ,

they'll put on a crap record afterwards. Yeah. You know, the DJ where everybody's up dancing and they put a song on and everybody sits down. That's crap, yeah. Yeah, anyway, so I'll sit down. That song always comes on when I can't sit down. Right, okay.

You're at a disco, a celebration. It's normally New Year's Eve. Auld Lang Syne. You're up and, yeah, you've got to do it, haven't you? Yeah. Friends are there, but if you've got strangers, you've got to go around shaking their hand and, Happy New Year, but I don't know you.

Yeah. But Happy New Year. And then they always put that bloody song on. I Ho Silver Lining. Every fricking time. And I can't sit down. You start. Well, it's happy new year yay I don't want to sit down

I can't and I end up dancing to that shit you hate it I hate it yeah and every time it always comes on

when you can't sit down why do they put that on I don't know just after all hangs on do they put that on every time I hear it it does

yeah yeah oh my god honestly or you'll be up dancing and that'll come on and it's Just after Auld Lang Syne, do they put that on? Every time I hear it, it does. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Honestly, you'll be up dancing and that'll come on. And it's always the point where I can't sit down. Are there other songs like that that does that to you? No. Possibly, but I don't think so. Yeah, that's the one that you pick up.

But if I don't like a song, I'll sit down. Yeah. But that one, it always catches me when I can't sit down. It's stuck to that. Or there's a wedding and something. It's really great going on. Everybody's up dancing and they put that on. Dad, I promise you

at my wedding we won't pay Hi Ho Silver Liner. Thank God for that. Yeah. Thank God for that. I promise. That's the only promise

I'll make. Dad, thank you very much. Hi Ho Silver Liner is going to be your song choice and finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

Which animal is it and why? Badger. The badger? Badger. Badger. Yep. Why a badger? Evil.

Are they? Oh, they're evil. Are they? Have you seen one? Yes. They're massive. They're massive. Driving around in my van, my AA van, quite often see a bit of roadkill.

Right. You feel really sorry for it. Oh, there's a deer. I've seen deers yeah rabbits oh no see a badger

I reckon it's hiding in wait you go up to it I'm sure it'll jump up and eat you you're thinking it's ready for it it'll bite you you know what

honey badger came up a few episodes ago are you joking no yeah it did oh no I hate picking things that other people have picked it's alright it's fine because one of your

other contributors mentioned Peter Stringfellow. Right, yes. A few episodes ago. Yes. Yeah, for the benefit of the listeners, I haven't heard that episode yet. James is talking about the honey badger, so I'm not nicking somebody else's idea. No, no, it's fine. Go for it. It's alright. Okay, so, yeah, badger.

Yes. Now, badgers, there's an urban myth that a badger, they live in a set, dig underneath the ground. And there's an urban myth that a badger, if they're anywhere near a cemetery, they dig underneath, get the body out and eat him. No, they don't. They do. Do they?

Yeah. Is it true? Apparently. I've heard that. That's disgusting. Now, I was listening to a drama on the radio, driving around in my van late at night, you know, listening to a radio drama.

And it was about people dying of the plague. Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy said, if you're going to bury it, bury it deep, as a badger will dig it up and eat you. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, a badger will dig it up and eat you. So, probably true. Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm thinking, when I pass away, you know, cremation. So I don't want to be buried. Okay. I don't want to be buried because a badger's going to have me.

So you've heard it here on this podcast first. My dad's just told me that when he passes away, he wants to be cremated. Yeah, I do. I want to be cremated. Because you don't want a badger to eat you. I don't want to get chowed down. I don't want to become badger chowed. No, you don't. I don't. No, you don't want to badger to it yet. I don't want to get chowed down. I don't want to become badger chowed. No, you don't.

I don't. No, you don't. Imagine. That's horrible, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. As if they're filthy bastards. Yeah, but also they decimate like beehives. Do they?

Yeah, and they eat eggs, ground nesting birds. Oh, no. They eat the eggs. Do they? They eat lizards and snakes and newts and worms and horrible little birdies and they go

I remember I was driving the country lanes one night on the way home I just had a little Ford Fiesta at the time and this badger

ran out in front of me and honestly it was massive yeah it was like it looked like a baby bear yeah

it's like huge and honestly they'll be laying in the road and I'll kid you not, do not approach it because it's... It's vying for you to... It's vying.

It's waiting for you to come up on it and it's going to jump over me. It's going to attack you. It's going to navigate you. If not, it'll get you and you're dead. It will.

It will. Eat my ashes. Eat my ashes, you badger bastard. Badger. Okay, a badger's going to be your animal choice.

That's it, son. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me, son. Now, for the benefit of the listeners, at this point you say... I say, if they want to find you, where can they find you? Well, they can't. They can't, because I'm not on WhatsApp. WhatsApp, WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook, or what was the other one?

Instagram. Twatsap. Instagram? No, I ain't got that either. No, but... Yeah? Yeah. Not on that. No, no. Twatsap Instagram no I ain't got that either no but yeah not on that no so any

any Jay Z fans who have got the hump what I've said you can't get hold of me yeah okay so go and rap to that one what have you got

what have you got coming up have you got anything to plug anything to plug yeah the AA yeah I've got to plug? Anything to plug? Yeah. The AA. Yeah. I've got to plug the AA.

Join the AA, for Christ's sake. Yeah. And then I might get a promotion. I might get a raise. Yeah. I saved somebody's life the other week. Did you? I did.

What did you do? I pulled up to this vehicle, this van. Yeah. Right, and I said to the guy, oh, the gearbox is gone, I've got to tow you. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Two of you?

Yeah, in the back, lady in the back. OK, can you get us there a bit quick, because she's dying. What? Yeah, he said, oh, she's dying. What? Really? Yeah, and he's broken down on the motorway, so he wanted me to tow the van home,

and then he was going to take her to the hospital. What? So I had a look in the back of the van, and this woman sitting there, honestly, she'd had an anelaptic flood shock. Oh, my God. Yeah, to a wasp sting. Ah.

Yeah. Was she blown up like a balloon? Yeah. Her arm had all blown up. No. And her eyes were rolling to the back of her head. Oh, my God. Yeah, breathing was heavy. I'm thinking, I've got to tow that car, your van, like 20 miles,

to pick another vehicle up for you to take your wasp bill. Yeah, honestly. What? I'm like, no, no, no, no, that ain't happening, mate. Yeah. So I got straight on the phone, 999, ambulance was there, picked her up off of the hard shoulder. I towed the vehicle away.

The guy went with his wife, okay, or girlfriend, or whoever it was. Yeah. Obviously, he weren't too worried about her because, you know. No, he was like, take her home. Yeah. Maybe he didn't like her very much, you know. What?

But I thought, anyway, they took her away. And so I heard later, if I hadn't have done what I'd done, she would have had organ failure and possibly croaked. Oh, my God. Honestly, yeah. So, join the AA, because if you do, I'll come and fix your car and save your life. Save your life.

Oh, my God. That's amazing. Yeah, honestly, yeah. I can't believe it. Yeah. Well, there you go. There you go, son. Lifesaver.

How about that? Well, I think the listeners are probably pretty glad they stayed to the end yeah I'll tell you how you can contact me through the AA there you go

join up join up thank you very much dad thanks for having me son it's been hopefully I've done a good job for you you've done great and if the listeners drop

it ain't my fault it's the other guy yeah cheers dad thanks son The other guy. Yeah, that's it. Cheers, Taji. Thanks, son.