Desert Island Dicks - JOHN HASTINGS

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

Dan is joined by comedian and writer John Hastings! John joins us to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, my name is Dan. This is the Desert Island Dicks podcast and you are about to listen to an episode with Canadian comedian John Hastings who is very lovely indeed and we had a lovely time chatting. This was recorded just before Christmas and that's it really. He's on tour in February this year. Obviously that'd be way too early to promote it if it was in 2024. But February 2023 is on a tour of the UK. He'll give you more information about that during the podcast if you're interested, or you can look him up at thejohnhastings.com. But yeah,

anyway, this is Desert Island Dicks, and you know the format by now. If you're new to this podcast, well, thank you for coming along. And I'm sure you'll pick up the format by now. If you're new to this podcast, well, thank you for coming along. And I'm sure you'll pick up the format very quickly because it's not complicated. But we're happy to have you here, whether it's your first time listening or you're a long time listener. I'm babbling a lot. I haven't really got the hang of 2023 just yet, if I'm honest. But look, let's just get into it. Let's have a lovely time. I'll be back at the end for a little bit more rambling. And yeah, here's Desert Island Dicks with John Hastings. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks,

the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian John Hastings. How are you doing? Daniel, it's so good to see you and it's so good to hear you pronounce your last name. So I did not have to figure out how to attempt that. Because let me tell you, it has been a quagmire ever since I opened Gmail,

as we've been trying to set up a time for this. Benediktatis? Like, it just, you're either posh or Greek or something crazy, you know what I mean? Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, don't worry, we can just be on first name terms now so we can just get rid of that whole thing so it's okay i don't have to obey via the text you sent me that said refer to me as lord benedictus yeah i mean at the i mean it's taken so long to set up this recording that i feel like we're past all that now so that's the benefit of right of all the

logistics we've been through to get this going i also like by the way in terms of email interactions how quickly things get informal now you know what i mean it's basically you get two hey whatcha and then by the third email back and forth it's now a text you're now getting no punctuation no grammar how about this like just literally half a sentence get on it i love it that's what i want i find the the real minefield is like when people put kisses at the end of emails and some people do some people don't yeah baby um and i just like the other day i just hit i was emailing someone i didn't know them at all and i accidentally just hit the x button completely by chance and i was like oh god shit shit and then they just replied

with a kiss back and it was really inappropriate but. But they've obviously gone, oh, fuck. Well, he's done it. I'll do it too. But it wasn't too awkward. That's the most British thing I've ever heard in my life. And I completely think that that's exactly what happened. And that you guys were just in a situation where they both felt, you guys both felt uncomfortable.

But luckily you went, well, we can't address our uncomfortability. So let's just both do it to each other. And then think about this for the rest of our lives exactly exactly cool so john i'm recording here in london you're over in denver at the minute oh yeah on the sweet sweet stand-up comedy road which that's me whipping my imaginary comedy horses i don't know what i'm doing with this metaphor but i have prepared the people and things i would hate to be marooned on a desert island i had a question about the desert island has it been established where we are in the world on this desert island are we in the caribbean are we in the pacific i pictured pacific okay we can go with pacific i mean i usually picture you know your bog standard kind of

sunny desert island i mean there must be okay cold shit desert islands as well, but I mean, we will at least give you some sun. I think that's about it. But you know, palm trees, that kind of thing. Yeah. Okay, good. So then my first person is the unaware, tell you what you should do person. Do you know, are you familiar with this person? I assume they've been featured on the program before. I'm familiar with this sort of person, but I'd like to hear your thinking behind it. To elaborate this type of person, I am someone that in the last two years, I got divorced.

I had a lot of bad stuff happen. And that's a situation where these people will really pop up a lot. A personal favorite is a person right after my divorce sat me down and went, I want to let you know you're being really sensitive to criticism. And I was just like, yeah, man, I've been getting a divorce. And then when that person had some bad

stuff in their lives, I didn't bring it up. But every time I wanted to, you know what I'm saying? One person also in mid-divorce told me I need to worry more about my finances while I was sleeping on their couch. What finances do I need to worry about? I'm crashing on your... So extended, by the way, to my own family. I remember having to borrow money from my dad, and he was – I was sharing a divorce lawyer with my ex, and I was borrowing money from my dad. And my dad said, I think you need to really think about your investments about sharing a lawyer. And I was like, I'm borrowing money from you. I'm not worried about my money. You should be worried about your money, brother.

Like those people – you know what i'm saying it's just the people that when you're going through something and they don't understand all the circumstances they put on they put their experience on top of it do you know what i'm saying that that just always goddamn gets me yeah um yeah just so on and it's also just so lack of self-awareness you know what i mean like oh my god people that give you relationship advice and they are cheating on their wives which happens all the time americans love that give you relationship advice and they are cheating on their wives, which happens all the time. Americans love giving you some relationship advice and then ending the sentence with, No, don't tell my wife about Maria. It's just like, for fuck's sake.

Yeah. It's such an annoying thing because you're the one being annoyed by this person but you can't tell them to just fuck off that's the annoying thing like eventually you can but it it takes quite a lot and then you're really ungrateful for it when you think you're the insensitive bastard who's been giving me all this advice unsolicited when i haven't even like i haven't asked it you know you're a good enough friend that i would be happy to ask you for advice if I needed it. And I haven't. So shut up.

That's the thing. It's also like there are always people that are like good clutch hitters, good friends in other situations. It's just like that one aspect. You're just like, I want you to swallow my fist. Like, it's just absolute madness. Oh, it drives me nuts. Drives me crazy. It's just, it's also that sort of thing of like, look at your own yard.

You know what I mean? I didn't own a chair until 2019, Dan. I do not tell people about financial futures. You know what I'm saying? I'm a stand-up comedian. I will tell them if they have a wedding speech coming up, I might give them some advice on a joke. But I'm then not going to talk to the priest about the Bible

because I don't know what's in it. You know what I mean? Yeah, fair enough. I find quite often like someone will sort of start asking you about a situation and you don't want to get into it because it might be personal or or complicated or whatever and they'll start giving you an explanation and it's like i'm going through a hard time i've thought about every fucking angle of this problem of course and the reason i'm not giving you all of it is because i don't not giving you all of it is because i don't want to go on about it now because we're just outside the school gates or something or like

in a supermarket yeah absolutely you know and you just think okay the only reason for me to the only way to really explain why you can't give me advice is to go into the situation in such detail that you'll know that it is actually a bit too complicated and that's not that appealing but neither is listening to you kind of give me really simple answers to the thing absolutely and it's also that sort of thing of it's people i always find that that aspect of their personality gets in the way in other ways and they are never self-aware enough to recognize they just need to sort of it's again it's working on communication to be a really unfunny it's people that are showing their sensitivities in a situation and are extolling their biggest fears as advice that said they need to manage it better through

therapy and also by not bothering me with their bullshit you know what i mean that to that double pronged problem yeah of people just not dealing with their own bullshit but i do i also think it's a very interesting time for this because i think that everyone's lives are really chaotic and i think that people are so unaware about how chaotic they are that they will still give advice to other people in the same moment you know what i mean because they're like oh yeah sure we uh we lost the house because i put it all on crypto but at least i'm not like john who is divorced and also recently shit his pants and it's like you're kind of like hey man you can't you can't relate those two things i'm i'm better than you i still got a place like that

sort of stuff even though i need to change me trousers but that's sort of how it feels you see where yeah you see where i'm going with this yeah definitely definitely yeah i know someone who's i just i think it's so annoying when the polite thing to do is sort of bottle it up. Maybe, you know, we should just have the conversation early and then we don't have to deal with it. But I know someone who for years has been giving me advice on life and, like, employment and things like that. And I've politely listened because it's quicker than arguing with this person. Of course.

You know, but you sort of bottle it up and then I do the opposite and I've basically, more or less, I'm all right with how things have gone. You know, I've had some ups and some downs. But at no point have I thought, God, they were right. At no point. In fact, I've often thought, God, I'm glad I never took their advice. I'll be doing something I really hated right now. You know, and you just think, one of these days,

I'm going to have to have a very big argument with this person and just explain this, you know. Absolutely. It thing of it's so when you talk about it's not worth the argument that's the thing that always gets to me because i for years just go i'll just say this and if it's a problem it's a problem and now it's sort of the opposite where i just like i know exactly what you mean where you're like i'll just listen but the pro do you ever have this where you're like listening and then midway through you get tired so then you're like, I'll just listen. But do you ever have this where you're like listening and then midway through you get tired? So then your need to just not have conflict is outweighed by the fact that you're now sleepy.

I don't know how you are when you're sleepy, but when I'm sleepy, I have no time for people's shit. I'm just kind of like, no. And then I don't want to also get into it, so I just want to declare that I disagree without having to then follow up. That is also a big problem with these types of people. You know what I mean?

Because they want to go round and round. Because also I don't think that they think, I don't think they know what they're doing. So therefore they don't realize that they are open to criticism. And the whole thing just makes me want to bite through a leather belt. You know what I mean? Also, on a desert island, these type of people would be the worst because they'd always be relating stuff back to what they did on the mainland, even though we're now on a desert island these type of people would be the worst because they'd always be relating stuff back to what they did on the mainland even though we're now on a desert island like that you want to actually stack the coconuts on the north side i learned that when i worked at

zellers which is a canadian reference i don't know why i dropped here on a british podcast but i like to keep people on their toes yeah yeah i mean that's the thing though when you're in a survival situation and you're trying to sort of humor them just because you can't be bothered with an actual argument with them. And they're telling you how to build a shelter and do a fire. And you know that it's wrong, but you still have to put up with it. And you're going to have, you know, and your survival depends on it. You're a better man than I. You're better than right there.

If it's that where they're like telling you to do a fire, then I'm like, let me do it my way or you do it. I'll make them do it. And when they don't do it, then it's W in. Then if they do it right, you have fire. That's great. If they don't do it right, then you have that over them for the rest of their lives. And the key is you just have to make sure to never let them forget. That's the trick.

You have to be as petty as members of my family as the saying goes. You know what I mean? Well, I think we're off to a very good start, John. I think we can all relate to this dick of a person. petty as members of my family as they as the saying goes you know what i mean well i think we're off to a very good start john i think we can all relate to this dick of a person um right who's going to be the second person joining you on the island okay people that are bad at being leaders who think they are leaders absolutely go fuck yourselves you know exactly who i'm talking about guy who always wants to organize a thing never does it. Person, this is a key to this person. When they go, I'm great at that.

And then you think, yeah, you have no examples in your life of showing me that you're great at that. That type of person, that person, guess where they're going? In the bin. See you in the bin. I just held up a cup symbolizing bin. That's the thing. Like it's just an absolute waste of time. Nothing ever gets done.

They delay everything just from wedding like have you ever been going to a destination wedding with a group of friends this type of person is always a nightmare because they want to handle one part of the admin and you just want get away from it we're not all doing the same thing we're in our 30s people in their 30s we don't travel as a fucking phalanx we travel we sneak in like guerrilla fighters to an event and then we return with liquor and a bit more cake in our bellies that's what i'm you know what i'm saying do you have experience with these people this is a very british trait by the way because and by british i do mean english english people have this real

problem because so many english people have been told by like a weird headmaster or some shit in like near a bog in a field. Oh, you're actually the future of Anglia. And then they believe that. And then you're fucking having to deal with this person that's actually the central line does connect to the bank. And you're saying it doesn't, though. Shut the fuck up. Oh, did you know that the DLR actually has a secret pathway and you can actually end up in Liverpool? And you're like, that's not true.

Those type of people just absolutely can fuck off and are such a waste of time. Stop wasting my time. Give me back my time. Give it back. You're right. And I think London is a weird place for this because there's so many times where you can live quite close to someone,

but still it's not convenient to meet up and travel together because of the logistics of like the transport network here and someone will go yeah oh we live quite close why don't we go together and you go i'm just going to meet you there it's like yeah come on i don't want to travel all the way on my own you're like oh these people the not yes you do want to travel all the way on your own because here's who you're not taking into account me and that's my podcast time and daddy needs podcast time you know what i'm saying i'm not looking for friendship on public transport such a great point yeah and it's you know we're going to meet up in a pub or a party or something like we're gonna have our time together with our friends but this is my bit and don't make an already annoying journey to get somewhere that could really be a bit closer to us.

But someone organizing it hasn't done it properly. Don't make this take longer. I think it ties into the first dick really a bit. Because, you know, it's that sort of, I mean, it's not advice. But it's kind of someone knowing a bit better than you. And you kind of having to bite your tongue a little bit. My third one. This is all on a theme of the type of people that annoy the shit i mean the next one's pretty specific uh and it's

like a type of person that has emerged but to talk about this one um it's exactly that what the macro problem i have with people always is is i hate people that don't practice what they preach and i hate people that go there's so much inflicting of anxiety, inflicting of concern, inflicting of fear onto other people so often. It just drives me up the fucking wall, especially after everything we've been through in the last two years. Depending however you feel on the political politics of COVID, you all have to agree the last two years have been a unique experience that the six billion people on this planet at this time all shared. And it could have been a real moment of bonding. And it wasn't in part because we had people in positions of power that got there because they just said, well, I should be in charge. And that's true across the political spectrum. And also people kept screaming their opinions like they were as important as a learned person.

And we really lost the ability to differentiate that for a while. And it's a real problem. And down to the fact now that because in post-COVID world, everyone from Uber Eats ate at nice restaurants. Everyone thinks they're a fucking foodie. And they all need to shut the fuck up. If I hear gastrique one more time mispronounced i'm i'm walking into a river screaming you know what i'm saying yeah yeah i can't argue with any of your points you're making here john i mean they're well observed and well made so yeah i think it's true

yeah i just i'm sick of these people i think in some ways i'm getting older i am less tolerant of people but also like i'm bored and i want to see people and i have less time to see them and when i do i want it to just be a good experience and i don't have time for bullshit around it you know yeah and also i think it's like you get to a certain age and you're like we've we're old enough to not do this now like we've had experience we've got enough experience to sort of streamline the process of just getting along and being okay it's exactly it where it's also like i think that a lot of people don't realize that they're in their 30s i think the to paraphrase uh a friend of mine uh the i can't believe i get to do this for a

friend of mine i feel so pretentious doing this but i'm gonna do it to paraphrase my friend the screenwriter joanne sarazen oh i feel so good. She once described the city of Montreal as where 25-year-olds go to retire. And I feel like the millennial generation is where 27-year-olds have gone to retire, where everyone has a little bit of an understanding of something and they believe that they are the first person

ever to experience it and they are going to inflict that information on the situation no matter no no no no no no no i just want to and it doesn't matter that that that is a real problem we have right now we need to do something about it and that something is give a bunch of kids knives let them sort it out no that's a terrible idea and very violent i don't actually stand for that but i was just seeing who was paying attention there this was a trap okay john well who's going to be the third person joining you?

The third person joining me is the Do Your Research people. Now, this has been co-opted around just people when it comes to COVID. I'm widening the scope. Dan, widen it with me. Widening the scope. There we go. We're widening that to all people, specifically political, but also philosophical, ideological, all of those sort of things. The people that will not listen to other opinion, will not entertain another idea or another perspective or another understanding of a situation based purely on the fact that they have come to a conclusion about something.

And this is all sort of personified in the phrase, well, you need to do the research. And I just want to say to these people going, no, you need to shut the fuck up because you are not doing any... Do you know what research... I remember doing research. I went to theater school. Do you know how much shitty reading about French people in stockings I had to do?

That was research. Scrolling, scrolling on the internet is not research in the same way. It's on a basis of understanding that can go back, that gives you depth, all of that sort of stuff. You've just regurgitated a couple of things. You don't understand what you're saying. And also what's driving me crazy is all of these people are not going away or have been defeated when any of these sort of this is what's going to happen and then it doesn't happen they don't come forward and go whoops that i they i would feel so much better if they were like ah egg on our melon instead it's we just have

to fucking just they well actually no do do this research and eat my butt that's what i say yeah the thing is the sort of people that say do your research like you say like doing research on the internet doesn't count it's like if you've read about a scientific issue on the internet and read some people's opinion on it that's not the same as going to university studying biochemistry you know learning about like viruses and how they work and biology. That's, you know, that's doing a research. This is exactly what, I'm just repeating what you said, I realized, but. You're even taking it to a larger degree. I also always think these people never take into account the algorithms that are being manipulated, how so many social movements right

now are astroturfed into being. And you can actually look, because of the economic situation we find ourselves after a hard, weird, crazy two years, you can see what the actual issues are because they're usually the third thing mentioned on the news. The first thing is always something sensational and not important that we sort of drummed up through social media. Then we have to always sort of address

some sort of weird issue of the day that is kowtowing to an extreme group, usually on the right, by the way. And then the third issue is like, oh, by the way, pretty soon we might not have an economy like that. And it's just one of those things where it's like we need to get back to a place where we're critically thinking and understanding what are the important issues of the day. Here's the thing is, I think the climate is changing and I've gone from someone who thinks

we should save it to I'm saying, let's just ride this sucker out you know what i mean like why the fuck what happened to giving up everybody that's where i am with this situation oh we need no no no no no i'm riding a whale straight towards the sun that's going to engulf us because we just shot a bunch of nukes into it you know what i mean let's get wild yeah i mean yeah i probably i don't know if I'm going to join you on that, but I mean, I like your can-do attitude. It's pretty nihilistic. It's like can-do nihilism, you know? Yeah, that's correct.

You know what I've always said? Listen, strap in everyone, everyone. I hope you're sitting in your most uncomfortable chair. About four years ago, I read a Noam Chomsky book on anarchy. But just let's say we were very quiet. We can hear everyone getting aroused. And you bring up Noam Chomsky and anarchy, light the candles because everyone is getting horny. But and it was a very interesting concept of the idea of anarchy being not a unorganized political philosophy, but a political philosophy that represents the needs of the people at the time. And that is something that's really changed my worldview low these years since reading that book.

The problem that then living through COVID and all that is it kind of gets adapted into the like, do we really need to be here kind of thing? And also no one wants to talk to you about politics. Cause if you started off by saying, well, four years ago, I was reading some Noam Chomsky. Everyone drops their chip, no matter the amount of dip on it onto some sort of surface, surface,

and then just heads off to look at photos of someone's baby on a phone and not talk to the annoying millennial in the corner. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. I mean, it's just been a bad time for a lot of people having a lot of weird viewpoints and just too much time on our hands and i mean it's good in some ways because like

yeah we've gone oh what's important to me now okay fuck it i'm gonna move to the countryside or i'm gonna quit my job whatever completely you know there's positive things but there's a lot of things where you just think you could have stayed busier and been distracted because you're you're you've gone down too deep a wormhole now i don't know why you know so much about the subject but i don't think you actually know much about it but you're going to talk like you do for a long time and i want you to stop now i completely agree to you there's a thing that's coming i had this this happened on stage there was a guy who worked in cryptocurrency in the audience and i was on stage mocking cryptocurrency was a guy who worked in cryptocurrency in the audience, and I was on stage mocking cryptocurrency.

And he said something that I think is so indicative of humanity right now, which is he went, what you're saying is mostly smart, but the stuff you got wrong. And I was like, is the stuff I got wrong the stuff that just disagrees with your hypothesis because you think crypto is a thing and I don't believe crypto is a thing and that's our separation? And it was said in a lot more confrontational terms but that was basically the conversation between me and a heckler for a second and what was interesting in that moment is I could see our two divides of like people always throw that around like we're in different

reality like people are in different realities now but it's sort of that thing of like I just don't have faith in something called dogecoin, and he does. And that's the interesting crossroads we find ourselves. I, by the way, feel like I'm now going to be on some other guests' lists on this show with how pretentious I'm being. But how I genuinely do feel, and I do think that that's our real problem, is that we are in a place where people genuinely have faith as real as this table in one thing that a human being that they can be in the same room as is going no it's not a thing it's not a thing and that's going to be i think the interesting crossroads we find ourselves which is why daniel we need to get rid of these three groups because they're going to hold us back from getting to eternity yeah no i agree i agree i've also just think that the fact that you're getting heckles about cryptocurrency really tells us a lot about where man where

mankind is these days you know the amount of fucking sensitive if i have to fucking talk to one more fucking dude in his fucking 30s or 40s that can't handle someone just saying crypto is a scam they reinvented a fucking ponzi scheme you got had it's it's just insane but you're 100% right people are so sensitive all that has happened is tech companies have figured out a way to remove having to create an app so they could have a stock and manipulate capitalism to gain wealth they've now just created a thing that is a fake stock that we're investing money into i'm definitely by the way now appearing on another guest list the guy who knows a lot about crypto but doesn't like it guy hello you can follow me on twitter at the john hayes i don't know i mean i've had people talk

about crypto bros on here before but i haven't really ever had i've never had someone from the other side say oh look i hate people who slag off crypto so i think i think for now we're okay so i think we're right yeah it's i think it's the nice thing of your uh you're doing a niche kind of alti fun comedy podcast in britain and that's a lot of hurdles for a crypto bro to leap i hope so hopefully we're safe in our tower here because i just don't have the energy to be honest you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. All right, John. Well, look, you've picked a lovely trio of stone cold, solid dicks. So I think...

Certainly. I think, you know, you've got your company sorted on the island. But we're going to move on because, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why? Okay, the food is something that is delicious that you keep going back for a little, but you know it's not gone off that you shouldn't eat it and you'll die, but off just enough that the next day you're going to be really bloated and gassy

for about three days, but that's your only food, so you're in a constant bloat, gassy fart cycle. And not the fun farts where it's a lot of like, brrrah! Like it's like the kind of farts where you're like, I can't let this go if I'm not directly above a toilet. Okay, okay. And do you have a specific food in mind or just sort chicken, like a Donair meat and chips that's been left overnight on a coffee table. And it's the monitoring time. Oh, what's the worst?

Having a little couple of nibs. And then the next day you're, bah. Yeah. That's the noise your asshole is making. Going, bah. Yeah. Terrible time. the noise your asshole is going yeah terrible time and the uh the drink by the way is uh is uh liquor but it's uh you have to drink it near a man telling you that he enjoys in the taste of

liquor i don't believe that anyone enjoys the taste of liquor they enjoy the the after effects they enjoy the euphoria and the fun and all that sort of stuff but they do not enjoy that like taste and then and then so for liquor i mean you mean just like any alcohol really or is it like a not not beer not wine like spirits what we would call it over here spirits correct yes yeah yeah and spirit specifically was a you know you ever been drinking a tequila you do a tequila shot and someone goes oh i love the taste of tequila and you go no you don't. Stop with this foam of cheese, Mo. You don't like the taste. You like the after effects of the fun, enjoyable naughtiness that we're all doing

shots together when we're getting crazy and that's really fun, but let's not ignore the fact that it comes to cost and the cost that it just felt like a cactus was a cat and it just took a piss in my mouth. Yeah, I think it's weird with alcohol. I like a conversation about alcohol that goes about this Yeah. I think it's weird with alcohol.

I like a conversation about alcohol that goes about this far. Like, oh, this is nice. Yeah, it is nice. And that's about it. I don't want to go into every other type of drink that's like this that I might also... Of course. Who was it we had on here?

I think it was comedian Nigel Ng. And he was saying he really likes whiskey. But the problem is, as soon as he gives someone a whiskey in his house, they'll just tell you about all the other whiskeys that he's not serving them. You know, it's like, oh, but have you tried this? And it's like, I didn't give you that. Tell me that the whiskey I've given you is a nice thing.

It's why I really like bourbon, is that no one knows enough about it that it does avoid that situation. Because, good God, you're so right. And also, what's weird is it's specifically whiskey. You've never handed someone a vodka, enough about it that it does avoid that situation okay because good god you're so right and also what's weird is it's specifically whiskey you've never handed someone a vodka and they're like oh let me tell you the time i drank smirnoff under a bridge yeah it's definitely there's certain ones like craft beers uh like whiskey is terrible for i mean craft beer also in the hands of the english

has absolutely become a nightmare because you guys have really started enjoying the names yeah give me a neck oil give me a tea bag how about a uh scrunchie in my face and it's just like guys oh man just what happened to calling it something someone's last name fuck i went into a like a sort of hipster off-license beer store uh during lockdown and they had a beer that was inspired by the film running man and was in the colors like red and yellow like the color of arnold schwarzenegger's suit and the beer was called killian is lying to you which is you know a bit in the film where of course of course yeah yeah and i was thinking fucking it like this is the zenith of hipster beer we've reached the nadir of it all like i mean fucking hell guys you know just think this is the sort of thing like i know you're making beer but were you stoned because

that's a very stoner thing to do isn't it like such a stoner thing to do it's yeah the problem that we now have is with weed being legal is that like potheads have follow through like they're gonna fucking make shit happen now that's why i think that everything is so – we're back to being brightly colored, all that sort of stuff. The amount of people that are drinking has dropped drastically and a lot more people are smoking weed. And I think that their – the problem with that is people who smoke weed think they can keep doing business. And you end up with a beer that says – it's called Killian. Lying to you, that said, I love the movie The Running Man and I'm here for it. Oh, yeah.

I don't even drink. I drink that beer. Well, I wouldn't. But i'd look at it in the store that's something yeah yeah yeah i mean i think i can't remember the other night they had a lot of other names of mad shit and i kind of i mean yeah i loved the film and part of me was like uh i was really on the fence it's like i kind of love it and I hate it. You know, I love that you like Running Man, but maybe this has gone too far. Maybe we could just call it Pale Ale again, you know, and just have your brand name. I also just have to say this,

Running Man is that, it's not maybe the best Arnold performance. It might be the best Jesse the Body Ventura performance. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've got a real soft spot for it because i think it was maybe the first arnold film i saw when i was like eight or something obscene eat too young but um anyway but we're getting sidetracked let's not rate all of arnold schwarzenegger's performances now it's terminator 2 is number one go ahead yeah that's fair um

yeah like having to drink next to someone constantly talking about it it's like yeah a little back and forth fine but after a while let's let's move on to other things you know do you know what i've also noticed that's missing a lot more now especially in british pubs is uh there's a lot less just random after everyone's had one pint people just talking to each other have you noticed that i don't know what part of town you live in, but that used to be a real creature feature of the UK, was you'd pop into a pub and you'd start, like you would never be in the town,

and then you'd end up with a couple of anecdotes from a fellow. I live in London, so that happens a lot less than it does in other parts of the country, you know, because we're mostly moody bastards who are just glad we got through another day you know so that that can be a thing but um yeah i don't know also i mean fuck i work from home and i've got two small kids so my experience of what pubs are like at the minute is quite scant i think so yeah you're taking you've taken your kids to a sunday pub patio

once didn't enjoy it not going back i wonder if people are doing it with other kind of substances, you know, like, oh, God, this heroin's good. Yeah, yeah, but you know that other kind of heroin that's really... They guaranteed are. They guaranteed are. I know, like, yeah, drug addicts? Come on. Absolutely.

You think this is good? You should have had the China White that Billy Bananas has gotten. I don't know why that's the heroin dealer's name, but I like it. Oh, Billy Bananas. He has great skag. That's his commercials that apparently is happening. I've heard them, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can all sing that. And a one and a two and a one, two. All right, so let's get to it. Do we want to do film song yeah yeah because oh okay go ahead no i was gonna say i was gonna do my little frilly intro to this section but we don't have to we can just we can just go for it the entertainment system still works you got two working settings worst film worst song okay what are we gonna be worst film is the irishman okay martin scorsese's

i have watched that movie so many times to try and figure out how why they did this it should be such a good movie and it is not a good movie it breaks my heart it has all of the good pieces it's like a every ingredient was the best version of the ingredient and they made shit like there was no meal i just we went straight from this is a delicious carrot in the ground and this is the turd like that's that's what that movie felt like where it's like where is the good part that's mind-numbing i think i watched it five times i can't i can't describe to you how frustrating it is but it's it's like three and a half hours long isn't it little thing called lockdown my friend i know but i'm still surprised

even through lockdown that you managed to watch it that often right i mean that's just tv in the background guy is how i'm able to do it but yeah you're right yeah i'm very much like i'm starting to basically look at a film's length before i even consider it. Like, that's the main thing. It's like before cast, anything. I wish that Netflix had a setting that was just under two hours. And I know that's a bit of a Philistine. I do like films that are longer than that. I have watched films this year that are longer than two hours and enjoyed them. You have young children.

That's your problem. I know. That is my problem. But when it gets to three and a half hours long there has to be an intervention on that you're not wrong that's too not wrong i mean two and a half okay we can deal with that if it's good three and a half trim the fucking plot down or make a sequel or something this is the problem also is that they can be that long there isn't the limitations of film anymore and here's the see the dirty secret of creativity, everybody. And it's the actual problem I have with The Irishman is it was someone who was so good at making limitations seem

like artistic flourishes was given no limitations. Therefore, there was no artistic flourishes. Oh, what a fucking douche I am. But that's genuinely how I feel about that movie is that it lacked all of that fun Scorsese crazy energy that he has to use to cover up the fact that like he's being financed by three dentists on the upper west side no one will give him money and then netflix backed up a brinks truck and he just he for some reason used all the money to make robert de niro look like a really old baby i suppose it's like you know the technology kind of maybe got him carried away because it's like

yeah for people who don't know they start you see like through the whole life don't you so they get older they age

so they look younger at the start and they get older so you can do a lot with that but it's like that film Boyhood you know where they

they had the same actors oh yeah Son or fuck off yeah and it's like it's really impressive that you got these actors to buy in for like, what, like a 15-year period

so that you could revisit them every five years and be like, well, the actor's older now. But you made a film that wasn't that interesting and was too long just for that kind of gimmick, you know? And it feels a bit like the same with that, but he had special effects, so he didn't even have to string it out for that long. Yeah, it was insane.

You're 100% right also, the correlation with Boyhood of it was like, look at this thing that we did for something that's bad. And you're like, ah. You know all the films where you didn't do that thing and they were just fine because we weren't thinking about that so much. I got to also tell you,

Richard Linklater of all those filmmakers, he is a guy that really could have done with a drug overdose in the 90s. Like, artistically speaking, Dazed and Confused is one of the most perfect encapsulations of the North American high school experience. Put on your pretentious pants, John is in town. And then I read the book about it, and good God, is he so impressed with his genius in such a passive way. He's a real combination of our three types of desert island dick dwellers.

Daniel, you know what I'm saying? I bite my thumb at you, Richie Link lady. Okay, well, what would your song choice be then? All right, this I'm going to use to make fun of me. I am a big music nerd. I intentionally got into jazz, currently going through a big Grateful Dead slash rock jazz fusion phase. I stink when it comes to me. When someone says,

John, do you want to put on the music you like? I just say, you're not going to like it, and then don't. So I don't think any song can be bad because I used to hate the band Rush. They're one of my favorite bands. I used to think Grateful Dead was crap. They're one of my favorite bands now. I can't say any song can be bad because I used to hate the band Rush. They're one of my favorite bands. I used to think the Grateful Dead was crap. They're one of my favorite bands now.

I can't say that there's a bad song, so I'm going to go with Silence. Okay. I don't know if that was allowed, but that was the best I could come up with. What if it's Silence, but like not... All right, how about this? I have a backup for you. What if it's John Cail's 353 or whatever which is just him sat at a piano in silence for three minutes in 53 seconds let me what is that

actually that song is officially called because after being absolutely johnny fucking drama school to get that wrong oh oh there it is a silent song is called how close was i 433 shit i want to play john kale song 433 and the music is the ambient noise around him okay picking that is quite good given the sort of people you're on the island with because they're going to have opinions about it about the about why you've chosen it about what you could have done differently about how you got there as a piece of art it's contentious but i mean those dicks you're trapped with it's gonna make it hard i guarantee one of them calls him john cali like just absolute yeah just crap ola and by the way i have of course like an asshole it's not john kale it's john cage

433. John Cale is from the Velvet Underground. He's either in Velvet Underground or Velvet Revolver. We'll never know which one it was. But it's John Cage. The Contemporary Artist is the song I'm thinking of. And yeah, you can save all your comments. You can shove it up your butt, guys.

I am sorry for that mistake. I feel bad. Here's someone else I want joining me on the island. People that have been screaming at their phones going, it's John Cage, not John Cale. Listen, I've been there. There's a podcast with Ari Shafir and Bert Kreischer where they don't know who the president or vice president is.

It's one of the most frustrating things I've ever listened to in my life. Fair enough, fair enough. Well, I mean, I couldn't name him off the top of my head. I mean, so I'm glad. I was thinking when you said John Cale, I thought that's fine by me. But hey, it's okay. It's John Cage. John Cage, exactly.

At least I owned up to it. Yeah. Okay. Now, John, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Snakes. The biggest asshole animal of them all, the snake. The only animal featured directly in

the bible as being a correlation for both the devil and it's just the devil i was going to try and make a joke but i couldn't think of one um yeah it's the it's the the devil's rope that's right yeah yeah evil's favorite penis the snake yeah i mean i can see why they're just a terrifying animal i've had i see i've had this before and i always have to confess like i i have no problem with them but i can understand completely why they're a scary fucking animal you know like some things are designed to look a bit scary like a scorpion is built for war you know and i can appreciate a snake can look quite beautiful but like the things that you're looking at the way it moves the the shape of the eyes the big fangs the fact that so many of them are fucking deadly you know it's hard to make a case for them yeah and also like they they also like they're not

furry they're not fun it's not like the honey badger that'll fuck you up but like it has there's no redeeming quality to a snake a snake is like a tesla you've made a choice and now you must be destroyed. Yeah. That's right, guys. I'm one of those people that's really going hard in on Elon. I can't wait until I am someone featured on an episode of this podcast, but in the inverse, and then I am described.

I am not the guest. I mean, fortunately, I haven't had to have anyone on that really sticks up for Elon Musk. Here's the thing. As you draw from too many Europeans, that personality just everyone in europe is just going you're that all of that is for private sir you know what i mean like that's the thing with elon when it comes to you he he he can thrive in america he'd be all right in canada but in europe someone would have just punched him in the face by now yeah yeah well i. Well, I mean, if he does travel here, we'll see what happens. But, you know, I think a lot of people would be happy to see it.

Yeah, I don't think we do well with that kind of... I mean, the thing is, in England, in Britain, really, we don't really deal that well with success. No, it's kind of glorious. Yes, if you're the richest man in the world, you're like, fucking prick. Yeah, it says who, how you count. like, fucking prick. Yeah. Says who? How you count.

Yeah, that's my favorite. Yes. The amount, listen, it's so funny. The British attitude of like, oh, this person's a movie star. I could have been a movie star. If that guy can do it, I could. It's the best, just the most selfish attitude. I love it. Oh, yeah.

He thinks he's so fucking smart. Yeah, he does. Hey, Stephen Hawking, you ass. All right. Well, John, listen, I think you've done a great job putting an island full of dicks together. And, you know, talking about the attitude of the Brits, you're about to come over here in February for a tour. I certainly am. All information and all tickets are available at thejohnhastings.com backslash

gigs. That is thejohnhastings.com backslash gigs. Or you can head to any one of my various social media profiles where there is a ton of information on where you can get tickets. We're heading to Edinburgh, Leicester, Manchester, Bristol, and

London. So please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please come get tickets to that. I think I forgot. And Birmingham, sorry, and Birmingham. Tickets available for all those things. Please come to see me be more funny and less pretentious or possibly the inverse of that.

We'll never know until we do it, which we will because it will be an absolute pleasure as it has been talking to you today, John. So thank you so much for coming on Desert Island Dicks. Brother, this was an absolute pleasure. It really got my blood up. I gotta tell you, I don't even need a jacket. I'm all pumped up walking around wintry Denver

just angry at these dicks. Well, I hope you're not found dead in the snow. He died looking really angry but cold. Yeah, he died doing what he loves, arguing with people that weren't there. You know what I mean? Yeah. Nice. Alright, well thanks again, John.

Cheers, brother. Have a great time. So that was Desert Island Dicks with John Hastings there and uh yeah we've got plenty more where that came from so make sure you subscribe to the podcast and um yeah that that way you'll never miss an episode so I think that's a wise thing to do another thing which would be great is if you could leave us a review and a rating from wherever you get your podcast makes a big difference for us and we've got big plans this year so any little props you could give us would be wonderful if you're new to this podcast then do have a little delve in our back catalogue it's all available on spotify or wherever else you get your podcast from we've had loads and loads of guests over the years uh i think we've done over 200 episodes now um comedians galore but also chefs critics drag queens lots of different kinds of people um so

yeah have a little delve in there and i'm pretty sure you'll find something you like unless you hate the format overall in which case just i don't know just don't leave a comment and just you know go and do your own thing, I guess. You know, each to their own and all that. Desert Island Dicks has been a Sync Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon. And it was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. And I'd like to give a special thanks and also a big happy birthday to James's dad, John Deacon, who has always been a stalwart of the podcast,

has always supported us wholeheartedly and is a lovely man to boot. I couldn't make it to his birthday party because of trains. But happy birthday all the same, John. I'm sure my absence didn't make any difference to your celebrations at all. So I hope you had a lovely time and I look forward to seeing you soon. And I look forward to not seeing you guys soon, but just putting out more podcasts that you can enjoy in your own time because that's sort of the aim of this whole thing it's just a kind of pocket

entertainment isn't it I don't know what I'm talking about this is my first day back at work and I can't remember how to do anything so yeah okay I'm gonna leave you alone now I'll speak at you soon lots of love bye