Desert Island Dicks - JOHN-LUKE ROBERTS

Episode Date: August 26, 2018

My guest for this week is comedian John Luke Roberts. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and writer John Luke Roberts. Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome. Thanks for coming down. It's a pleasure.

No, it's great. John Luke, should we dive in? Who's going to be your first choice for your desert island dick? First desert island dick. By the way, did you come up with the name before the concept or the concept for the name? Like all good radio features, name, work backwards. Great. So first up would be Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Jacob Rees-Mogg. Okay. Yeah. Will it surprise you to find out that this is the first time Jacob Rees-Mogg has been chosen? I sort of, well, actually, it kind of pleases me this first time he's been chosen. Okay. Because I feel angry about living in a world where what Jacobacob reese mogg reckons about anything has any effect on anything actually happening okay he should be confined to a sort of minor character

in a victorian gothic novel definitely on the side of the bad family not the good one yeah he doesn't um he he seems to have some control over what is happening to the country first of all and I don't understand I don't understand how we've got into that situation and I can't really quite live with it he he's at best the line drawing from a not even a very good Victorian artist no okay a Victorian you pick you say he's definitely that's definitely his era yes I think he's to the Georgian era's too light the the there's too much fun in the long 18th century. And before that, everything gets a bit ribald. Victorian is definitely Jacob Rees-Mogg.

He's got that kind of nobody should have any fun, but money is what... He's a grad grad. He's a Dickens character, isn't he? He's a Dickens character. He is. But early Dickens, I think. Almost.

I'm also trying to get across the point. He's not a good character. He's not well-drawn. I think, yeah, I definitely got that. Yeah, you got that? Yeah. Yeah, he'd take up maybe a page. Suddenly he'd get you from A to B.

He's not part of the main plot. Maybe he'd be introduced and then Dickens would realise because, of course, he'd be writing them to put out in magazines. Actually, I'm not bringing him back. I don't want to spend time with him. I can't deal with this. It's like a mistake. Yeah, a mistake.

Like a half-thought-through arsehole. And how many people are thinking through the arsehole, right? Yeah. Okay, Jacob Rees-Mogg. Need I ask any more? I mean, he is unbelievable. It's like such an incredible character. It's almost unbelievable that he wasn't

thought up by someone he may have made himself up there's that possibility okay but then i don't think he's got that much imagination so i don't know that he could have i could have done it but maybe he is quite good at convincing people of things because he must have done something to have gotten to well all he needs to do where is it sussex or somewhere so somebody he's got i don't think he needs to convince his constituents because obviously he's in a very safe uh tory seat and he obviously appeals to the uh very hard uh well this is it but then there's that weird i don't mean to get too into but there's that weird thing now where the most conservative of the conservative politicians are the least conservative, are taking the least safe route, the most stupid, idiotic route,

on some baffling ideological campaign, and claiming that this most incredibly elite, and a man elite enough to, I'm sure, wear a top hat to bed, claiming to speak for the common man somehow. I know. It's unbelievable. And he might become prime minister at some point or another. If that's what people are saying, right? Well, who knows? I mean, you'd have to convince his Minister at some point or another. If that's what people are saying, right? Well, who knows?

I mean, you'd have to convince his party at this point, I guess. He could do it without a general election. I would like to think that the public wouldn't vote for Jacob Rees-Mogg. I would like to think so, yeah. But these days, who knows? Who knows? I'm definitely, I'm maybe more out of touch than Jacob Rees-Mogg is. I guess that's the worry at my heart in this. Why is that? Well, because Jacob Rees-Mogg is. I guess that's the worry at my heart in this.

Why is that? Well, because, like, Jacob Rees-Mogg, at least he saw Brexit coming. Yeah, you're right. Jacob Rees-Mogg. And he's such a prime Brexiter. He's set up all his companies that he's got his fingers in. They're all making sure they're safe from Brexit and warning all their people and investing in gold, I'm sure,

all this stuff that I half read and remember and then get angry about. You're doing really well. Anything else on Jacob Rees-Mogg? No, I don't want to do an ad hominem attack. Okay. And should you be stuck on a desert island with him? It's not going to be great, is it? Do you know what I mean?

Is he going to put any effort in? I would feel like it was sort of taking one for the team. Because he was there, he wasn't here. Yes. And he wasn't anywhere with a large enough population to have any sway over anything really happening. I would suffer,

but maybe it's for the greater good. You're taking one for the team? Yeah. Okay. That's how I'm looking at this whole exercise really. It's really... Saving the world. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's how I'm looking at this whole exercise, really. It's really... Saving the world. It's a very selfless first choice, actually. Thank you. You're doing really well.

Okay, great. Jacob Rees-Mogg is your first choice. And who's going to be your second choice, John Luke? Morrissey. Morrissey. We definitely don't see enough Morrissey in the way that that is another first, I believe. Really? Yeah.

That's extraordinary. Morrissey. He was sort of, I almost evaded it because it's too obvious. I've actually just remembered the other time Morrissey was on. So no, he has been on this podcast before. Morrissey. Why Morrissey? Need I ask?

Why Morrissey? I guess that's sort of not really. And that's the sad thing. Like, I'm not quite of the... I wasn't around when the Smiths originally came out. In my late teens, I discovered the Smiths and became very attached to them. And I just feel terribly let down.

But it seems from reading all the different things that he's been awful for a very long time. It's just everyone kept saying, oh, he doesn't mean it, he doesn't mean it. He said something about the Chinese. Oh, he doesn't mean it, he doesn't mean it he doesn't mean it he said something about the chinese oh he doesn't mean he doesn't mean it he released something about you know he he's he's been reasonably racist for quite a long time but he was always no he doesn't mean it he's just he's it's fine i it's it's quite sad to have sort of a spokesman i guess

it's very teenage feeling that feeling of the passionate loan of the poetic person left out of society who finds beautiful ways of expressing their vulnerability and of being a misfit and not being part of things and then to find out how much hatred they're steeped in yeah it's not really because it changes the music too like i kind of believe in separating the art from the artist but then there's some artists you just can't do it when it's as personal as that seems to be and as much about the soul as the the lyrics or the music i can't listen to it and enjoy it in the way i used to no yeah it is such a shame because i love smiths yeah and just like and even like some Yeah. And even quite a lot of Morrissey solo, right? Yeah, I did too, yeah.

Can you not listen to it anymore? I don't. If it comes on shuffle, I probably won't knock it off. There's sort of fond memories of listening to it. And actually, in Morrissey solo stuff, there is more of the playing up the obnoxiousness, I think. And so that becomes part of the game, maybe obnoxiousness i think yeah and so that becomes part of the game maybe but then even that's not fun when the game sort of seeps out into

like you know the more you ignore me the closer i get those sorts of that you kind of think well actually i understand why you sing about people not liking you it's because you're not a very pleasant individual no it's true because you're not very likeable yeah stop being. Maybe that's why he was such a loner when he was young. Because he was horrible. Because he was horrible. He was always horrible, yeah. And that's what he left out of his book. Okay, interesting.

Morrissey. I mean, the stuff that he comes out with, you kind of think, when is someone going to put a stop to this? When will someone stop him? But I think that's it. Who's watching the Morrissey? Well, I guess no one, because he doesn't stay with a label. I have no idea about his management,

but if it moves as much as he moves label, then obviously no one's got any control over him. What Morrissey needs is a... Oh, no, wait. Maybe if life had been kinder to Morrissey needs is a... Is maybe... Oh, no, wait. Maybe if life had been kinder to Morrissey, then Morrissey wouldn't have ended up like this. Maybe life is to blame.

Maybe life is... But there's a point, Morrissey, at which you've got to take responsibility for your own actions. Yes. And I think that's probably now. Yes, that is, yeah. Well, I've come full circle on that very quickly. You did, yeah.

I will never forgive! Everyone else was to blame for that, Morrissey. No, you do have to take responsibility, and the stuff that he comes out with isn't okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. No, not like that.

Morrissey, a fine choice. Yes. I don't like the way that he lets people down as well. So, like, apart from the horrific stuff he comes out with, he'll book a stadium of show. He'll book a tour of stadium shows, and then he'll just last minute decide that he's not going to do it. You know, let down 70, not 70,000.

He'll let down thousands of people. Well, from what I understand, that's because ticket sales weren't very high. Oh. And so he could, it was maybe. So maybe it is that's because ticket sales weren't very high. Oh. And so he could... It was maybe... I don't... So maybe it is his fault. I read that in the press. No. So I don't know that it's true. But it does make me think that, oh, good. Well, because the problem is

Morrissey's fan base are not the people who hold the opinions Morrissey continues to espouse. It's very true. And I'm sure a lot of people, like a few years ago, if you'd offered me Morrissey tickets, I'd have gone, oh, definitely. Now I don't think I'd even go out of, I think I couldn't quite face it.

Yes. I mean, I think I'm the same. When you're talking about shuffle, when a Smith song comes on or a Morrissey solo song comes on or a morrissey solo song comes on i have to i i can't listen to it without thinking about how vile he is yeah and it just that just you know it just ruined so much of my teenage years yeah do we by the way for legal issues do we have to like put inverted commas somehow around racist like when that said or do you think there's enough now to stand up in court i mean i don't know.

I'm not that worried he's going to hear this. But no, OK. But if he does, then, you know, please come on, Morrissey. He seems like the sort who'd Google his name. Yeah, he definitely does. Yeah. I won't tag him in it. No, don't tag Morrissey.

OK, Morrissey is a second choice, a very fine second choice. And who's going to be your third choice for your desert island? I'll very nearly put in a fictional character. That's also okay. But I decided sort of against it. I thought, because generally I'm so conflict-averse that my worry with every real person I mention is, well, they'll find out.

And so I'm leaving people out who I could see a direct career route where they get in the way. Yes. So my third character, it's a very roundabout way of saying this isn't it um jeff coons the artist yes okay can i just quickly ask what the fiction who the fictional character was that you're going to choose oh you can't mention no i can't actually i can't remember okay all right no worries but i'm not sure they were human okay i was thinking

at one point waluigi but then i really came around to him. As I was thinking about saying, no, that'd be fun. It's just the way that Waluigi is a sort of mirror of a mirror. The logic to get to Waluigi is incredible. Yeah, okay. Wario is the opposite of Mario, but then Waluigi is the opposite. But it should be Sevenuigi if you're going to do the same thing of swapping the first letter upside down. But it's not. It's Waluigi.

So he's more related to Wario in terms of... He's connected to Wario, but he's not connected to Luigi. Oh, my God. The logic goes after you go to Wario. Then it's a brand new logic to get to Waluigi's name. So, I mean, I think that's fascinating. That is fascinating.

But I don't think it's enough to, like, say... I don't think Waluigi is to blame because, really, he's just a shadow of a shadow. Okay, yeah. If anyone is to blame, it's Mario, I don't think Waluigi is to blame because really he's just the shadow of a shadow. Okay, yeah. If anyone is to blame, it's Mario, I think. Why? Well, because Mario, it's a bit like Batman and the Joker. Every Batman film now seems to be about,

I haven't watched the most recent, but you wouldn't have the Joker if you didn't have Batman. No. You wouldn't have Wario. In a world which Mario did not exist, would Wario have turned up? No. Almost certainly not. No.

So he's the root of the problem. Yeah, and then Waluigi. I mean, you'd never get there if Wario hadn't been there in the first place. I mean, imagine if that had happened, if before they'd made Wario, Waluigi had popped up. Wow.

That would be crazy. Mad. Mad. So it's unthinkable. Yeah, okay. Imagine a world where Waluigi was the first character in that. Like, he was the one who was jumping over the barrels, thrown by Donkey Kong.

And then they worked backwards to the protagonist. Oh, imagine if you still... He was the original protagonist, but through some peculiar logic, we still ended up in a world in which Mario existed. Like, they managed to work backwards through these, like, funhouse mirrors and still end up with mario that it would be incredible yeah i kind of feel like there's infinite options how many more i don't think there's more more of the wah side of things i think it stops at wario and waluigi because presumably like a wabowser would be a positive because if he's the opposite of bowser yeah but if he's the opposite of Bowser, but if he's the opposite of Bowser,

doesn't that mean he's better than Mario? Because Bowser is more evil than Mario is good. Mario is really, I think in a way, amoral. Like he takes lives quite readily and they're bad people. And his only drive is not really to save the kingdom. I'm putting Waluigi in. It's not to save the kingdom, it's to save the princess. So that's a kind of, I mean... but what if it all started with the princess well but this is so i think it's certainly mario is not um acting selflessly to save anybody he is

um as has cropped up a few times he has a romantic interest yes the princess okay this isn't a selfless act no this is there's an amount of self-interest in that so he's not pure good and indeed on the on the way to do he's obviously finds it fun as well or you know he jumps on things they die and he he's smiling a lot so there's a lot of slaughter he does find that enjoyable he he's he's as much an anti-hero as a hero. Okay. So I think you could argue... This is so good. Well, the opposite of Mario is not going to be pure evil, and Bowser...

Well, maybe Bowser isn't. Maybe Bowser is the opposite of Mario, because, I mean, Bowser is driven by self-interest as well. What's Bowser's? Well, Bowser just steals the princess at the beginning. Now, that's a worse act than Mario would ever do. But it's clear that Mario feels some misplaced ownership over the princess. Okay.

You know, like, I think maybe he's overstepping his... He thinks that... I don't think it would be hard to put up the argument that... That Mario... I think Mario thinks the princess owes him ah i think mario just he like he there's many other people as you find out like luigi could say can say has saved the princess there's lots of other people you look in mario kart any of those things there's people capable of doing it mario well does he take it on himself because he thinks i'm the only person willing to risk my life like this or does he do it because no wait you guys don't i'm gonna do it she's mine

oh yes probably because the princess has time and time again like she's very like smiling with him but this is never there's never the stage when she says yes mario uh let's she's clearly not wanting the relationship with mario that mario i think he's i think he's after i think you're probably right and that's um that's mario's burden that's that shouldn't be the princesses okay so you're gonna pick the artist just jeff coombs as yours no i'm gonna put waluigi in waluigi okay because i think he is a dick but i'd actually i i think it's fair enough to say I am on this island. I want one I can have fun with, and I want to be able to discuss with somebody who's had first-hand experience of the rest of this world. There's no Waiyoshi, is there?

No, there isn't. How long did it take for Waluigi to be introduced? I think he was... In fact, he's not been in any of the major games as far as I'm aware. Now, I'm not an expert on this. He probably came in like Mario Tennis or something, or Mario Kart, but I don't think he's been in any of the main series as far as I'm aware. Now, I'm not an expert on this. He probably came in like Mario Tennis or something or Mario Kart, but I don't think he's been in any of the main series

of platformers. Okay. So Waluigi is, he's not even, I mean, Wario has had his own games. So I can, that's why I can picture Wario,

but I can't picture Waluigi. He's taller than Luigi or like spindlier than Luigi and he's purple, I think. Oh, he wears a purple suit and he's got an upside. I think he has got an upside down L on Oh, he wears a purple suit. And he's got an upside. I think he has got an upside down L on his... Ah.

It's not a W. I think it's an L, upside down. So he's far more menacing than Luigi. He's more menacing than Wario. Ah. Really, to look at. And I don't know whether that's some kind of body prejudice I have.

No. I think it might well be like um you know wario's short rounder maybe that makes me warm to him in a way i wouldn't to yeah okay like he's spiky he's you know there's nothing it feels like there's that um there's something skeletal about him okay less cuddly less cuddly i Less cuddly, I suppose. And that's, I feel like maybe those shouldn't be terms like me, but it's definitely true. I'm so interested.

Luigi is cuddlier than Waluigi by quite some way, but Luigi you would still call a tall, slim man in a way you wouldn't call Mario. He is a tall, slim man, you're right. So what I'm really interested in is where your research of this has come from. Have you played all of the games? I've played a reason. I'm not really that.

I think I've played most of the Sega. I had a Mega Drive as a little boy. And then an N64. So I've probably played every Mario platformer since Mario 64. Okay. To completion, except for I've never played Sunshine, I think. So I'm sort of, I'm not a hardcore fan. And in fact, I've not thought this through before I started speaking. No, but you so easily dissect it that I feel like you must have some background

or some research into maybe i just spent i don't my unconscious may have done all this work for me i think i don't i didn't feel like i yeah amazing i don't feel like you need a better reason than to pick waluigi waluigi also i really don't like i'd love the idea of jacob reese morgan waluigi trying to socialize or in any way like that is a picture understand each other but and maybe actually in understanding each other coming from such different worlds they could begin to to go through some personal transformation okay Hmm, okay. So you feel like maybe Waluigi... So you feel like maybe Waluigi might be able to

help Jacob Rees-Mogg become more human, become the Mogg he was meant to be. And it's worth noting, too, they're not dissimilar. If you were casting a live-action film with Waluigi and an actor who looked like Jacob Rees-Mogg walked in, you'd probably pencil him. Like he wouldn't not get far in the process. Yes, I think you're probably right. And then for Jacob Rees-Mogg to discover Waluigi was the sort of dark mirror of Luigi and for Jacob Rees-Mogg to be faced with

the things he does have in common with Waluigi perhaps, the self-interest that level of conservatism and the rest of it, and to realise that Waluigi's opposite was a force for good perhaps Jacob Rees-Mogg would go through some soul-searching

and find a way to change find personal change Morris is beyond hope though Maurice Mogg would go through some soul-searching and find a way to change. Find personal change. Morris is beyond hope, though. I feel like, yeah. He's on his own somewhere on the other side of the island. If Mark couldn't do it, Waluigi won't. You're so good.

You're so right. Waluigi as a third choice. I don't know if anyone has dissected their choice as good as you've just dissected Waluigi. Thank you. And it wasn't even my choice. It was excellent. I know. I was just interested to know which fictional character.

And that's it. Because basically I thought Waluigi, and I thought, no, I don't know. Why? Why would I do that? And I found out. Actually, I did know why. Incredible. Okay, Waluigi. thank you very much john luke you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad

reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? The food. Food first, okay.

It's truffle oil truffle oil now niche i know but it's meant to be a treat yes like people it's truffle always delicious truffle oil i think it's horrible okay it makes me feel sick well i think i was quite young uh in and there was a restaurant in, I grew up in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and there was this restaurant, sort of fancy-ish, I think, in the live theatre there. It's not there anymore. The theatre is the restaurant, isn't it? And they did this truffle oil lasagna,

mushroom lasagna with truffle oil. And I went, oh, I'll have that. I mean, I wasn't there alone. This was a rare treat with the family rather than me as a 12-year-old wandering into a fancy bistro. I will have your finest lasagna. We're just swimming in this oily, truffly. It's horrible. Have you tasted truffle?

So it's very rich. Very rich. It's very rich. And it tastes a bit vomity. Okay. It's related to mushroom. It's not closely enough related to mushroom. That's my...

Okay. I like mushrooms. And I feel like the truffle has gone such a long way to differentiate itself from the mushroom that it's actually lost sense of its identity. Okay. So, it, it, so, what relation is it to a mushroom? Is it a type of mushroom? I think it's a mushroom.

A truffle is a mushroom, yeah. Okay. I think. You get pigs looking for them. Pigs look mushrooms so when you're saying yes i know yeah i've seen that yeah yeah um i think i just had a really badly made meal okay when i was very young with too much of and it's like and it overexposed me to it yes and now i can't face the idea of it and that's when especially if you're like 12 years old that's a particularly odd flavor flavor i still the thought of it um so i mean obviously

but also it's the um it's the way that it's treated like a delicacy that's it if it was if it was less pretentious about itself i'd maybe give it another chance okay because it's really you know the big I am. Yes. I think, well, no truffle oil. You need to be put back in your place. Do you think that... Am I putting truffle oil in or truffle lasagna? That's what I was going to say.

I think that food specifically, but actually truffle oil in general. Truffle oil. So truffle oil, but what about just truffle? I think I'd still have a problem with truffle because it would remind me of truffle oil. Okay, yes. Have you had things with truffle inuffle? I think I'd still have a problem with truffle because it would remind me of truffle oil. Okay, yes. Have you had things with truffle in since?

I think so, sort of accidentally and I've not been very happy about it but I've still eaten it because I connect that with ethical goodness. Okay, yes, I'm with you. Just through training as a child. Because you'd get a lollipop at Little Chef if you finished your dinner,

they'd give you a lolly. Yes, they would. That's ruined me for life I have to finish it, even if I hate it Same with alcohol Now as a child, they wouldn't give you a lollipop if you finished your pint No, it's true But it's the same principle applies Even when I go, I shouldn't have that last third

I would anyway, because of the feeling of I'm letting somebody down if I don't finish that That is a waste of toxin I have exactly the same thing I've letting somebody down if I don't finish that. That is a waste of toxin. I have exactly the same thing. I've got to finish it, the whole meal. I've got to finish it even if I'm stuffed. It's got to happen.

You're getting truffle in quite a lot of things nowadays, I've noticed. And it's more flippant. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I was at a place having a burger the other day. And it was just like fries with truffle on. And at Audi, other supermarket brands are available. At Audi, they do pastas for like £1.60 that have truffle in. Well, like my immediate reaction to that is, oh, God, no. Oh, right.

I'm going to stumble over truffle. But then, to be fair, it's reducing truffle to maybe more standard fare. And I'm for that. I'm for that. I'm just worried I'm going to eat some truffle by accident. Okay. But I'm for that. But I'm truffle.

Mm. Okay. Truffle goes on. Truffle's going to be your food choice. And what's going to be your drink choice? I've struggled a little bit with this. Well, because I think I know the answer, but it's a bit boring because i did think about um like what was i thinking a drink i don't oh actually you know what i know what it is i know what it is i didn't know i didn't i didn't knew i knew i didn't know

i didn't know i know okay i didn't know i knowed until i just thought i was going to put bad coffee in okay which is makes you sound like, but the amount, you burn the milk and you taste it, it's disgusting. And you end up just, and because you try and go into independent places, because always the best ones are independent as well, apart from the ethics of the thing. But then sometimes you can't tell now, because some of them have learned that if you use hardwood

and a blackboard without a logo outside, that this is the sign of a good coffee place. So they trick you. And then you go in and they've not done it right and it's burnt and it's horrible and you taste it and you have to immediately pour it down the drain. But that's not actually, because coffee in general, I like very much. Okay. And I don't think it's fair to just put the bad version of something in. Fine. I will go for fruit teas.

Fruit teas. Okay. Any specific flavours? I would go... I'm sort of... There's a couple of exceptions. Like, actually, no, like peppermint tea, but that's not a fruit. No, it's not.

I like a few different teas. Fruit tea promises so much with the smell. Yes. And gives so little. You're right. And I end up hungrier after drinking a fruit tea than so much with the smell yes and gives so little you're right and i end up hungrier after drinking a fruit tea than i am before it doesn't say to anything it's just it's the promise of this wonderful berry ish yes this is going to be delicious this is like a cake in a glass oh no it's hot water the flavor is just so underwhelming yeah it's hot water with like an aroma nearby just dry and maybe a bit bitter afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It leaves you unsated. Yes, it is a letdown. Fruit tea. And as well, so there's a children's programme that I watch sometimes with my kids and they're in it as a tree. The characters have a fruit tea and just the look of it and the thought of having that fruit tea

just sounds so good the reality i it's funny isn't it as a kid like turkish delight i mean i quite like turkish delight okay but the narnia books the turkish delight you imagine turkish delight tastes like yes from that yes wow and then you go oh yeah okay it's not turkish delight is it yeah also this is a side note about that turkish delight right narnia has turkish delight doesn't have turkey doesn't have the place turkey oh that is good where did they get the turkish delight interesting who brought it there? Yeah, I mean, it sort of falls apart because the White Witch makes the Turkish delight

and it's mentioned, I think it's mentioned by Edmund. So then she's creating it. And she obviously is magic, so it comes from her. It would be different if they walked in and was like, hey, here's some Turkish delight. Because they've introduced the idea of it and they've come from another world. And of course, Narnia was created after the...

But I think it's odd maybe that nobody there goes, wait, wait guys, where's Turkey? Yes. And then they'd start realising. And they have a lesson about where Turkey is and what it's like. And then do they know in Narnia that there's another? No, I don't know if they do. Because they try and escape, wouldn't they?

Yes, it's true. Would they? Some of them have an all right time. No, because the White Witch, she's horrible. Yes. She's horrible. Horrible Witch. Anything else on fruit teas? I don't know. I think I've said my piece. No, yeah. I mean, arguably,

and this is very thinly vowed, but if you were stuck on a desert island with truffle, maybe not with truffle oil But if you were stuck on a desert island with truffle, maybe not with truffle oil. If you were stuck with truffle lasagna and a fruit tea, you'd be laughing. That's to you.

You're fine for a long time, right? If you've got enough lasagna. And fruit tea. You mean for sustenance? Yes. Well, the good thing about fruit tea too, actually, and I realise this, and it's legitimate, because I still like fruit tea in its perfect state.

Hot. But actually, cold fruit tea, I think I'd be absolutely fine with. Because all that is, is water with a hint of fruit. There's not the promise, because it's the heat which gives you the smell. Yes, the heat gives you the smell. And that's the, oh, this is going to be delicious. And that's what creates the disappointment. Yeah.

Okay, fruit tea. Odourless fruit tea would be almost perfect, but of course nobody would buy it, because the odour's the, you know, that's just a bag to put into water. That's the basic thing. That would just be a tea bag with no tea in it. Okay, just be water. You put the bag into the ritual.

Okay, yes, of course, yeah. Maybe you're onto something. I'm going to market it. You should market that. Thank you very much, John Luke. Fortunately for you, there won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they, and why are they so bad? The film was actually slightly tricky. The film, okay. Because it boiled down to two. Okay. That being Man of Steel steel which i watched on

my birthday oh imagine and the other being prometheus okay but i'm gonna go for prometheus prometheus okay i've not seen prometheus you're gonna have to fill me in so man of steel just to talk you through i realized man of steel I went to it knowing it would be I like a dark Superman is so beside the point of anything like he only works

if he's because he's got such incredible powers Superman would be a great villain but actually as a goodie he's

what's fun about him is he's so good as to become sort of comic he's this huge boy scout and what they did in the original Superman films of adding this clumsy Clark Kent human side to him was great. Although the clumsy side was, of course, the performance around the other side. But that's how you do.

I think you've got to do Superman that way. Because in that film, he's just a bit of a dick. Right. Really strong. Right. He can't be a bit of a dick. No. How the hell are you meant to root for him?

Yes. Anyway. But Prometheus. Okay. Promet i got i hadn't watched the alien films i hadn't watched the alien films i was in my late 20s i guess when this would happen and then i knew prometheus was coming out and i thought oh i watched them and then i i got them and i watched them and i loved them the first two especially um and actually the fourth, weirdly. I liked the fourth. I mean, a lot of people hate the fourth, and I can understand why. But I feel like the fourth, at least, the setup for it makes sense of,

well, what happens once they do weaponize these things? That should really be the third question in the trilogy, the third one in the trilogy. I think the fact they undo all the kind of happy ending, the second one, is such mean storytelling that I've no time for that. But that's not what Prometheus is. All the stuff they were releasing pre-Prometheus,

the trailer, these little in-world videos, they were so exciting. It looked good. So well made. It looked wonderful. And then the movie was so badly written, so full of terrible cod philosophy, so even on its own terms, it didn't make sense.

This man who's terrified of everything suddenly plays with a black plasma snake that comes out of a pool. Oh, yes, that's going to be fun. Then he gets killed or whatever. Somebody goes through a caesarean and then can immediately walk, having had their stomach stapled back together,

like a machine comes about. Now, generally generally i think if the film's good enough you ignore the things which don't make sense yes the rest of it they don't really matter but the film is so bad oh i couldn't oh god it was horrible it was awful and i watched it and i went i booked tickets far in advance at the imax and then i heard like i heard rumors it was bad but i thought no i was got to maybe they're wrong they might be wrong and then I heard like I heard rumours it was bad but I thought no maybe they're wrong they might be wrong and then I went and I thought hey well right and they didn't warn me they didn't say no seriously that's what I think they should have

done in the reviews at the end saying no seriously mate don't what about when you were leaving the cinema and it's like he didn't even know what was fun about aliens there were no aliens in it I don't want these big old weird faced people and I don't want you to retcon that wonderful

looking space jockey and turn him into a boring human who'd put a helmet on okay I don't like the film as we were leaving the cinema after you'd seen it in the IMAX and you'd prepared your tickets what was the atmosphere?

well it felt funereal to me. But I can't really know. Like, I was looking at the ground. So I don't know whether this was a shared experience or I was just projecting. Oh, dear. That bad? Oof.

Really? I'm mean. But never do it? Just never watch it? I might watch it. I went to the sequel. Did you? Okay.

But then at least I was kind of... And the sequel is better. It's still a... It's better. It's better. It's not nearly as awful. I still think there was more to explore in the alien universe

without those terrible, ill-thought-through, like, sub-GCSE philosophical ideas. Oh, dear. I't really think Ridley Scott can spot a good plot. And so he's sort of, I think we've been lucky that he's a good filmmaker and so when the screenplay has been right,

he's ended up with a good film. Yes, okay, wow. I'm not sure he can spot a good screenplay. Cutting. Well, I mean, it's not like I've made any films. No, fair enough. That's fair. But actually, if the risk

of me making a film is ending up with something like Prometheus then I will happily not put my hat in the ring I will stay out of filmmaking just in case ok yeah fair enough you're doing the service again great that's a question isn't it would you take alien not existing

as a as a kind of quid pro quo of not having Prometheus. I've answered it. No, I would rather live in a world where alien and Prometheus exists than not alien. Not the actual alien. I'm glad I don't live in a world where the xenomorphs exist. I'm relieved, to be honest. Yeah, but the fact that you might have to watch Prometheus for the rest of your life

should you land on this island with just Prometheus I don't have to watch it do I? no you don't have to I can choose not to yeah fair enough so Prometheus is going to be

your film choice yeah and what's going to be your song choice? it's weird like I don't I guess I don't listen to much music

I don't want to yes music I don't want to. Yes, okay. Because I generally just stick on, like, I follow, like, I listen to things I know I like, listen to things through, you know, Spotify, which will find new things that it thinks I'll like because of the algorithm. And then only...

And listen to Radio 6. And so... But there are songs I dislike dislike but not enough to go i mean i and they're all that i always feel like the ones i dislike are the ones with kind of the cliche of disliking and i think well maybe i should give them a chance okay you know like ed sheeran or mumford and sons yeah those kind of things yeah go to so i going to go for, I was raised as a Catholic. Okay. And there was on the Easter vigil mass, it would always, was it Maundy Thursday?

It was Maundy Thursday. Yeah. Because it's the one where Jesus just waits in the garden. Right. Okay. And so at the end of this thing, you'd have this chant starting of, it would be, Stay with me, remain here with me, watch and pray. Okay.

Watch and pray, stay with me. And that would go on and on. And then occasionally, and we had a terrible, well, I don't want to be rude, but the choir, there was no selection process for the choir. So you'd, then there'd be some, there'd be like two really excellent singers there and they'd be singing these things over the stay with me and then there'd be awful singers and that was me trying to do one of the good singers but i can't sing that high and they'd be and over that and there'd be this kind of um you'd there'd be this dilemma because this was it wasn't

I don't think it's a mass the Maundy Sir maybe it's a mass I don't think it's a mass because I think Palm Sunday is the last actual mass I think before the Easter

I think but the priest would walk out during this and then the song would carry on so there was no kind of and that's it

go in peace which is was no kind of, and that's it, go in peace. Which is not how my priest said that. Hey, go in peace, guys. And also with you, buddy. But you'd not be the, like, and you'd feel this burden of responsibility. Like, if you were actually sitting next to your mum, you'd think, I can't just leave. She's got the car. You'd both have

the kind of waiting for her to think we've had enough holiness now and for thinking like oh the first one i mean if you left as the first one you'd feel pretty much like i guess i'm just not as holy as these guys yeah yeah you know so that was it and that song comes into my head too often and i think at inappropriate moments yeah yeah so i could do with i wouldn't i mean i think on a desert island that would probably be the worst song to just be able to listen trudging oh because also i think if you recorded it there'd not be an end like because there's no there's no actual there's not the you know in songs sometimes they fade out and sometimes the song will end with but it doesn't end with, stay with me.

How does it end? I can't remember. I can't remember it ever ending. I guess it just slowly, people must have just stopped and it must have ended. It's as if I'm still there. Maybe it's on a constant loop in your head. And when you think about it, you're not thinking about it for the first time. You're just rejoining the loop. The loop, yeah. Maybe there's always somebody constant loop in your head. And when you think about it, you're not thinking about it for the first time. You're just rejoining the loop.

The loop, yeah. Maybe there's always somebody in the world singing. Although it's very much, maybe there's always somebody left. God, I wonder what the last point in the world when somebody is singing that song after Maundy Thursday is. But you'd stop by the, because you need to get there on good, I guess the cutoff is the Good Friday service. If you're still doing it at that point, you've won. Yeah. I think that means you can...

Give them a free car. Oh, like free entry. Free entry. I think free entry up there. Yeah. That probably is enough to go, right, you can do any sins you like, mate. You're through. Go for it, yeah.

Yeah. That's the ticket. Yeah. I was raised as a Catholic as well. Oh, yeah. And I don't remember that song. Oh, I think it was... We had quite a...

We had a really good priest, actually. Very smart, like, trained as a chemist. Oh, right. So, very thoughtful man. I don't have any faith anymore, but he was... He had very good homilies, and it meant that I was kind of steeped in a very thoughtful Christianity

and so don't have a knee-jerk reaction against it, although I don't believe in it. I don't think that it's... I think a lot of clever people do and a lot of smart people do and I don't think I'm particularly right, but he could sing really well and so there was good music.

Yeah, that really helps. But that song is just like... It even sung well. Let me go. That song is just like, even sung well. Let me go. The song of Monday, Thursday. It's a bit like the Catholic version of I Know A Song That Will Get On Your Nerves. Yes, and it just keeps going around, but slightly more harrowing. And it's also, you're singing as him saying, stay with me, remain here with me.

So the guilt is just dripping out of your mouth. You can't leave. You can't leave because you're literally telling yourself as persona Jesus don't leave me I'm going to die I don't know if you need that much guilt as a child

there's a lot of stuff I'm talking about my therapist at the moment yeah okay interesting I feel like this is going that way okay song that song from Monday Thursday and finally John Luke Yeah, okay, interesting. Okay. I feel like this is going that way. No. Okay, song. That song from Monday, Thursday. Okay. And finally, John and Luke,

finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it? Well, right. Again, I had a choice of two. The first one which I decided not to go for is a specific animal, which is a cat called Susie I had growing up.

Because we got two kittens after a while. Susie was quite old at this point. Susie was had growing up because she, we got two kittens after a while. Susie was quite old at this point. Susie was always quite horrible. Like very, like slightly dirty. I know the cat. Yeah. And the cat,

you kind of, you know, you've got to look after this creature and you can't be, you can't be cruel to this thing. But also how did we get this one? But the two kittens, Susie, You can't be cruel to this thing. But also, how did we get this one? But the two kittens. Susie, we realised Susie was nudging open.

Because years before, we had a cat called Black Cat, which my brother, who was three, named. Actually, I'm going to put Susie in. Let's put Susie in. Okay, Susie's going in. Yeah, Susie's going into the island. Black Cat disappeared, and we thought Black Cat was dead. And then we heard a meowing underneath the oven and it turned out Black Cat had got stuck under the house

she'd gone into the cupboard under the stairs No way and my brother who must have been a teenager at the point, he was nine years older than me crawled down with a torch and saved Black Cat Wow, okay But Susie seemed to have learnt from this because when we got these little kittens

we noticed that well, the door kept seeming to come open of the under stairs cupboard and we caught Susie opening it and effectively beckoning the kittens in What? Yeah, Susie wanted

to kill those kittens. No! Susie was a bad natured cat. Susie wanted to take them under the house for... Yeah,

we sort of buy it like meowing. She'd open it when they're around and then just meow at them next to it. No.

See this little nudge of her head as if, go on, go on, it's fun in there. Go have a look. And of course

if they walked in I bet she'd have slammed it behind them. Susie... Nailed it shut. Susie regretted her decision. She wanted her life back. They weren't Susie's kittens.

Oh, they weren't? No. Oh, okay. So there was a resentment. There was a resentment. Of the cats taking the... Okay. Now it makes sense.

Susie was long past child kitten rearing age. Okay. She didn't want some new kittens on her patch well i think also she'd been she almost she'd been neutered okay so there you go so maybe there was even that or is that you know maybe again suzy was uh a victim of circumstance and we have to take some responsibility but i'd definitely not like to be on an island with suzy. Imagine, she's back and now, oh, he's overrun with Susies. Yeah, it would be. And I'd wonder how they'd cope with each other.

No. Because I think that kind of treatment of other people in the first place does come from a place of not really loving yourself. And so Susie probably would especially hate other people who were her. I think what would happen is individually they'd all try and drown each other

until there was just one Susie left. It would probably be a kind of Lord of the Flies scenario. Yeah. But they're the same. So it's like when Sonic fights Metal Sonic, they're kind of evenly matched. Yes. So maybe they would all kill each other at the same time. I mean, I guess you have to put chance into it

and they would be falling coconuts and things. So, yeah, maybe end up in a situation where, because of circumstance, there was just one Susie. But I sort of imagine it ending with two Susies in an eternal battle. That is quite good. And then the island would just be covered

with Susie carcasses. Okay. Oh my god. Susie. I feel carcasses okay suzy i feel like it's quite i don't know i don't know suzy but i can imagine this island and then you've got reese mogg and waluigi just trying to sort each other's lives out while these two suzies and you know jaces-Mogg would be there, like, asking. He'd be saying, Oh, Waluigi, Morrissey, can you help me? I don't know what I'm doing.

I need to eat, and I can't survive like this. I've got four butlers at home. I don't know this for a fact, but you know this. No, but it could be, yeah, yeah. You know this, or I'm sure he treats his children like butlers. I'm not sure at all maybe this is pure supposition he's probably got

like minors or something hasn't he yeah a Victorian he's probably got a workhouse yeah children just ready to do there

so he's going to be he's going to be hard to do his bidding out here and he's going to go I don't know how to survive I don't know how to could you skin this

and Morrissey will get very offended yes he would to do that Waluigi probably suck it up and do it he probably would probably be he's certainly i think the one of the three of them who's the most uh able and willing to to learn so i think waluigi would would take it on himself to skin and uh prepare the suzies yes probably even like if there's any salt left

in that plane, might be able to preserve the meat so that we can spread it over a longer time. I'd rather eat Susie than truffles, so that's good. Okay, that is good. So it's all worked out fine. Okay. Okay. John Luke, thank

you so much for coming in. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. If people want to hear more from you, where can they find you? My website, johnlukeroberts.co.uk great i'm on twitter at j luke roberts yes um so you're at edinburgh at the minute as well yeah um and where can people i'm doing my show john luke roberts all i want to do is fx gunshots with an fx gun reloading and an fx cash register and perform some comedy every day at 5.30pm at the Assembly in George Square. Excellent. Okay, and what goes on? What goes on in the show?

It's, um, it's, it's, so somebody came to my show last year and said, a member of the public, they wrote a review online and it made me sad but then I read it again and realised they'd written this sentence in it. It's an absurdist comedy show and they'd written,

I love absurdism, but this doesn't make any sense. I thought, wow, how beautiful. And the show is basically, off the back of that, this show is an attempt to defend not making sense and defend not understanding things and finding joy in not understanding. And so it's a manifesto for absurdism and it's largely told through 24 fictional Spice Girls. Okay! That is excellent

That's it, yeah, that's the short version Well, if you're in Edinburgh then make sure that you go and see the show Okay, well thank you so much for coming in Yeah, thank you for having me. I appreciate it Now where's this plane? Bye.