Desert Island Dicks - JOHN ROBINS - DESERT ISLAND DICKS LIVE

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

Recorded live at the Bedford pub in South London, as part of the Cheerful Earful podcast festival, John Robins sat down with Dan to discuss the worst people and things he could possibly be stuck with on a desert island, so roll up your sleeves, pull up a sofa, and get stuck right into what will, in time, surely become known as a classic episode of Dicks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. And this is a special episode that we recorded the other week at uh the cheerful earful podcast festival uh the live show with john robbins who was absolutely fantastic as you will hear when you listen to this recording um it was a really fun night thank you so much to everyone who came uh you were a lovely crowd and uh yeah it was just really fun to do it so uh yeah thank you very much we're going to have a little break after

this one for a few weeks uh we'll probably be back mid to late november i think with some more episodes we're just going to have a little rest take some time to regroup and get some more guests but hey listen if you're crying out for dicks or maybe you've just discovered us and you want more don't worry because we've got hundreds of them uh in our back catalog that you can listen to we've got people like reginald d hunter ellie white harry trevoldwin um we've got omid jalili ellis james we've got russell kane izzy sooty tom carriage i mean there's there's some big names in there and they're all really good um so so check them out why don't you and if while you're doing it you fancy giving us a rating or a review,

that always is very much appreciated and makes a big difference for us. So that would be great as well. This podcast has been going for over five years now, and we've got 1.5 million downloads, which feels incredible. And so I just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you who have listened over the years and subscribed and given us ratings and stuff so it really means a lot and it's it's unbelievable we're very um I don't know what the word is but we're very touched and honored and grateful and a big thank you of course to James Deacon who started this podcast and let me take

over it so thank you James because you're a wonderful man but now we've had some positivity i think it's time to get on with the business of talking about some awful people and things with john robbins as part of desert island dicks live at the cheerful earful podcast festival here we go Hello, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks Live! This is the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with only the worst things and worst people imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today

is comedian, podcaster, broadcaster, and much more besides, the inimitable John Robbins. Hello. Hello. Hello. How are you doing? Good. Good. Are you ready to share your Desert Island Dicks with the crew?

The crew? The crowd. The crew crowd. I'm ready to share them with the crew and the crowd. I make no differentiation between the audience and the staff. I like to think at the beginning that the crowd may be over the course of this evening, you'll become our crew. Okay, something to aim for. Now, John, I'm aware that, you know, we're about to talk about the worst people and worst things you can imagine. And that can be a negative experience for some. We all like to look after

ourselves. I don't want to bring you down in any way, so I thought we'd start with... I bought you a little gift. Right. So that if it gets too negative, you can think, oh, they're not all bad. OK. Not like I can buy you off with anything. So what I've got is a little bag.

Actually, I'll let you open the bag. Should we be doing this in full view of the room? Should we be disappearing into a toilet cubicle and using euphemisms? OK, I'm going to open the bag and I'll give you the contents of the bag. There's a little 50p piece there for you, John. Oh, that's very nice. It's not a 50p piece you can use. No, it's not an official 50p piece,

so you could be at risk of being prosecuted for forgery. It is, however, what I'm guessing is an unofficial Freddie Mercury 50p, which will take... What's like a lower level of pride of place? It'll take... It'll be on my shelf. It will take up some space. It will. up some space. It will.

But also, it's not the first unofficial Queen coin I've got. I've got a mixture of commemorative Queen coins, both official and unofficial. Just checking they've spelt his name right and got his date of birth and death right. Yep, that all checks out. Yeah, and they've used the crest, which is copyrighted. But I'm not going to contact their management. Hey, that's so cool. Thanks, man. Where did you get that from?

A little place I know named eBay. Did you really? Smashing stuff. Thanks very much. That makes me feel you are going to report them after the recording. But, you know, what happens outside of this room is none of my business once our contractual obligations have been fulfilled. Yes, which includes this being live-streamed. Yeah, sure. So the police could be coming right now.

The Queen Police. We'd better get started before they bust down the doors. OK, look, can I ask some questions surrounding the circumstances of the plane crash? Okay, look. Can I ask some questions surrounding the circumstances of the plane crash? Yeah, sure. I've watched an awful lot of episodes of plane crash investigations

because I have a fear of flying. It didn't help. If anything, it made it a bit worse. But what sort of plane is it? Why is it crashed? I mean, I'm thinking your usual sort of Boeing 747 passenger. Usual Boeing 747 passenger, OK. Kind of, it's going, just a technical fault,

just a bad day for flying. Bad day for flying, right, OK. And everyone else has died, but I've survived. You and these three awful dicks that you're with. Ah, right. That's the thing. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, you've survived, but alas, so have some other people.

And we're going to find out who those people are. The question is, did you find it an easy task whittling down your choice of dicks for the island? Well, the thing is, I was imagining myself on a desert island alone, thinking about who would be the worst people to be there. Because I think I would do very well on a desert island, because in many

ways, outside of events like this, my life is a kind of desert island that I inhabit on my own, surviving, sometimes making my own items, shelter, warmth, food. surviving sometimes making my own items shelter warmth food but actually the reality of being on an island with these three types of people because I didn't want to choose like specific people because I didn't want to be like

negative about specific human beings but there are examples of each of these people in my life who fulfil all the criteria but I may or may not name names and I've written them down because I want to get the wording right so apologies for that also

we'll go through them and it'll be a fun game for them to guess if that's who you're talking about. Yeah. Okay. All right, well, who are we going to kick it off with? Who's the first person you're stuck with? The first person I'm stuck with is someone who has been on an NLP success course. The net result of this is that they touch your shoulder too much and use your first name a lot.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, judging by the reaction, we've all met them. We've all met them. What's your experience with these people? Well, my experience is I'll be talking to someone and I will get, like, a little alarm bell will go and I'll be thinking why is this conversation so creepy and why does it not feel like all the other conversations I've had to date

and why do I feel like I'm gonna look down and my trousers will have disappeared and they'll be like going so, Dan, the thing is, Dan when you've been in this game as long as I have, Dan sorry, I don't know if I call you Dan, do you, Dan? and what you come to learn Dan, is a very important thing that we do, and you're like, fuck, Mass stop, what are you doing? I never

really use someone's name because it's quite like, it's quite belittling in a way because it's a bit like being told off when your teacher or your parent goes, Daniel, Daniel, can we just have a talk about what you've done? And it's a kind of way of them imposing themselves.

It's slightly patronizing. And the touching thing is like a kind of way of them imposing themselves. It's slightly patronising. And the touching thing is like a sort of... You're there going, do you think this fools me? Do you think I'm now, because you've touched my shoulder and held onto my hand a bit too long when we shook hands... You also shook hands with two hands. Do you think I'm now going to, what, like, invest in your company or something and then you realize

that for people like that every conversation is like a transaction and it's a bit like sort of you know when you meet like a sex person whether male or female but usually male and you're like oh wow every single thing you do whether it's buying something from a shop or you know calling your insurance company or chatting to someone your brain is automatically trying to engineer like some kind of sexual outcome in a way even if it's just for sort of like practice and that sort of transactional way of being kind of freaks me out somewhat like they've got a goal to the conversation and their their brain is like i'm going to achieve my goal it's sort of quite a psychopathic way of thinking yeah i agree

i think there's that thing of you touched on it there just that we can see what you're doing but it doesn't work it's not hypnosis if i'm just humoring you you know whether you're going he keeps touching me and saying my name that means he thinks i'm going to trust him after this but yeah and also most of us are going through a conversation going god i hope this person doesn't think I'm a complete dick. But we don't have to, like, do the weird invasion of personal space that they do as well. Yeah, and it's sort of like a conversation is like finding your way and learning as you go,

whereas I think the sorts of people I'm talking about, and they're not many, but I have met them, and there's quite a few in comedy who, like, it's almost like you realise, oh, you're not doing this because you sort of love it and it's all you're good at or something that you've just sort of fallen in love with. You're doing it because it's a path, like you're getting promoted through a business, which, you know, is fine. People have goals and stuff. But I just find it weird to take a really corporate view of a creative pursuit, or even have a corporate approach to chatting to someone in a bar.

It's quite weird. What if we could make this more corporate now? Wouldn't that be better? No, it wouldn't. Of course it wouldn't be. It feels like, from what little I know about NLP, it's very much you know when people kind of go don't don't bottle up your feelings and push them down forever that's exactly what nlp is it's sort of like it's fine just don't think about it now just keep it all bottled up well i don't know enough about it and i'm sure it has very very useful um sort of applications and I'm sure it does help

people but what I think when it's like you're you're doing it in a sort of 12 keys to success kind of how to make a million in a day kind of you know those books that sound like spam emails so that I would find that hard but I'm not sure how i wonder if like they would use it on the desert island to try and like wangle the the top bunk of the shelter or like get the get the best bit of fruit or get the or get the fishing rod or something. Maybe that's... Maybe they would try and sort of... Because you feel a bit like someone's trying to hypnotise you. Or... Yeah.

But I think that's the thing. Like, you're aware that people are doing it to you. And you kind of, at once, don't want to make them feel bad by pointing it out. But also, at some point on the desert island when you're starving and you've lived off coconuts and raw fish for a few months, you're kind of not going to really care that much.

You know, just stop touching my shoulder all the time. Why is the fish raw? Because I'm bad at making fires. I don't know, in my head. I mean, maybe you've got better scouting credentials than me. Oh, well, funny you should mention that. Yeah, may have spent five days on a Ray minute raymiers bushcraft course in which we learned fire from friction uh may have received a distinction so yeah yeah i mean enjoy enjoy your

sushi um but uh the john robbins bar and grill is open i used to work with a guy who practiced NLP, and he was widely regarded as the person who would definitely one day come in with a gun and kill us all. Because you would go up to him and go, oh, sorry, mate, do you mind just doing this? He'd be like, yeah, yeah, that's fine, yeah. He's like, you're not too busy. He's like, no, no, no, not too busy.

And you could see him smiling through gritted teeth, and he's like, because I can get someone else to do it. No, no, no, not too busy. And you could see him smiling through gritted teeth. And he's like, because I can get someone else to do it. No, no, no, I'll do it. That doesn't sound like NLP. That sounds like someone you've overworked. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. He was big into that.

And he just terrified. So I always associate that with this guy. And I mean, he moved jobs. So he's going to go and kill another office somewhere. So it's fine. Someone who's doing the kind of course I'm thinking about, you would have gone into that transaction and they would have said to you, well, the thing is, Dan, Dan, I could do this. I could do what you're asking me to do. And it's perfectly reasonable if you ask me to do it, Dan. However, can I just suggest a different way a different approach and you come

out of it doing the thing and he's got your job and he's like driving your car with your wife and then you you look down and you've signed an iou for a million pounds you're like how did that happen oh he touched my shoulder a lot and used my name. Clever. Yeah, maybe he's just really bad at it. Maybe it was just the entry level and he hadn't paid enough to advance to the second level or something.

That would be quite funny for someone who's done one of these courses but sort of got it wrong so they just sort of walk into him and rugby tackle you screaming your name. I think either way you cut it it is going to be a really annoying and difficult person to be stuck on an island with so uh yeah i think it's fair enough who's going to be joining him who's your second person um someone on cocaine I think there would be the most appalling dissonance between the sort of faux... ..the faux, calming, reassuring tone of the NLP guy...

LAUGHTER ..and the sort of wired, chatty ideas... ..of the cocaine man. They're both men of course I've never really been into drugs in any way I smoked a bit of smoke the odd doobie and my teens for Christ's sake I'm not a robot and used the relaxing effects to stretch out a bad back so I could even then see

the potential for medicinal uses but I just always found it like for me the process of smoking which I love smoking fags was like something I wanted to do all the time. So when you smoked a doobie,

it was like, well, I've just completely smoked that spliff and now I'm... And then the evening's kind of over. Whereas fags and booze, it's like the process. You could have a six-hour lash. You sort of pace yourself. But you can't have like a six hour doob lash so anyway i kind of and i got into certain types of music which were uh like especially frank zappa who even though he sounds like a very psychedelic sort of proggy musician at times was had a really interesting

like anti-drug message and the thing you're told in school is don't do it because it's dangerous and it's illegal well that makes you think well that sounds pretty sort of thing I would want to do whereas what Frank Zappa said is don't do it because it's boring and you're the dullest person in the room and you're lame and you're a dweeb and then you're like oh that's quite a good way of selling that to kids selling selling the message selling like an anti-drugs message to kids it's like you're just the lamest person in the room so then when i got to a place like after uni i guess in comedy to an extent, when people were doing your class A's, what I didn't like about it, I felt uncomfortable around people who were on drugs because I have nothing in common with someone who's being relentlessly positive

and also i think the reason cocaine is the worst is because you have not only are you in a i don't know if it's a state of bliss necessarily state of confidence but you have no shame and i have nothing in common with someone who is not feeling continual shame and a good example of the effect of that is when you're doing stand-up and there are drunk people in the audience heckling or being silly or talking you can shame them into silence whereas when someone is coked up you can't you can't get anywhere it is game over for the whole night because you can't reason

with their own lack of confidence because a drunk heckler will eventually kind of turn in on themselves and realise the terrible thing they've done and sort of disappear whereas someone on coke will just go on and on and on and on and

on so you can't i can't i i just couldn't connect to them um so the oh and also i find the the use of euphemistic language about drug taking into adulthood. Incredibly lame. Like someone I remember saying in a green room was like, oh John, do you want a bit of naughty salt? I said, what? What do you mean? I said, you know, do you want a bit of

a bit of a bit of scoo? I said, what are you talking about? I said, you know do you want a bit of a bit of scoop I said what are you talking about I said you know you know what I'm talking about a bit of Charlie I was like are you trying to ask me if I want to take cocaine and they said yes I said well say, say John do you want to take cocaine, we're not like five years old

like you're approaching middle age and you're sort of giggling about disappearing off to a toilet cubicle which also I find quite bleak. You're using childish language for an adult pursuit which I

find creepy. So just present me with a contract in plain English that says, John Robbins, I would like to present you with some Class A cocaine. Had it tested. This is what it's made

of. Throughout the contract, it'll be referred to as cocaine. And, you know, I think I find lame what some people find quite cool, but whatever floats your boat just don't float your boat to my island

if you're coked up I think it's difficult as well because in those conversations you can't really say naughty salt I mean technically all salt is a bit naughty in terms of our arteries and stuff we should be cutting down oh I see what you mean that well well I've said it once I've said it a thousand times the war on salt has gone too far salt you need salt oh I'm a brings out the flavor of

ingredients it's not it shouldn't necessarily be a flavor in itself I mean the dream is that the amount of salt you add lifts it lifts your tomatoes to a higher plane I'm a big advocate I think the thing is if you have... Of salt, to be clear. The good salt. Not the good shit. That's a different thing. I think the temptation would be to say, oh, on an island, someone's coked up, they'll get shit done.

But I think what you'll get is a big burst of initial enthusiasm followed by a long speech about how it could be done differently and then just nothing. So it's not even going to be useful. Yeah, you are a bit harder on the NLP choice than you are on the on the coke choice. I'm not saying anything.

You've also in fairness, you've come up with a positive. What are you trying to tell us? I'm saying you might think initially that it won't be the case. Hey, we can spend all night, John, talking about the evils of drugs.

I'm here for it. I'd say, right, we need to sort out a way of planting some crops to harvest. They'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we can germinate. We can germinate. I once saw a YouTube video about how to make different plants from different plants. You can splice them together.

We can splice them together. I'm going to splice together so many plants. Oh, God, I'm so excited by this idea. Have you ever spliced plants before? What's your favorite plant? If I went on Dragon's Edge, it would be a plant splicer. I'd be a plant splicer. We could create oranges that are half guava.

We could create the guarange. And then we take it back. Yeah, I can see it now. It's all coming into place. Right, get over here. NLP guy, get over here, get over here. Okay, there's three of us. We're going to form a partnership. We'll split it. 40, 30, 30? Is that right with you? And, you know, you're like writing contracts in the sand.

I always think when we're doing this exercise it's nice to think about the interplay between the different people that you pick and the idea of someone who's horrendously coked up being touched relentlessly on the shoulder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what's going to happen with those two people? Just stop fucking touching me all the time.

You know, just getting a bit shirty. I mean, that's already a recipe for quite an uncomfortable environment. I mean, I don't know if we're assuming that on his island it'll eventually run out or if he's just always got coke. Because even the scenario is pretty bad, really. If you have watched as many episodes of Border Force,

both UK and Australia, as I have, you will be familiar with the sheer volume of cocaine that you can fit inside a human body. It is absolutely remarkable you're talking like like 200 grams worth yeah okay so we're gonna say bring thought it's it's a drugs and mule that you've been taken down but so they've got enough for a long stretch so there's, they're being prodded by the NLP person. They're not coming up with any

good ideas, but you have to listen to the bad ideas, because that's how it's going down. Who's going to be the third person joining this melange of dicks? A tardy dawdler who faffs about. Okay. Okay.

We've all met them. Right? We've all met them, right? We've all met the tardy dawdler. I mean, straight away I'm thinking how that's going to get on with an LLP guy and somebody who's high as fuck on cocaine. John, what's your thoughts on this? When you walk as fast as I do with as much purpose and efficiency, you realise just how many people are tardy daudlers who faff about in the UK right now.

And I know the Prime Minister's and the Chancellor's economic policy has really turned things south, but I also think the tardy dadlers who faff about have to put up their hands for their impact on UK PLC like people who you say right the taxis taxis coming at quarter seven and they're like okay and you're like you know I just said the taxis coming at quarter to seven and it's 20 to seven What why aren't we already at a state of readiness? And you know, well, I've got five minutes

And you're like, yeah But I with a quick scan of what you're currently doing have ascertained that the tasks you need to Complete before the taxi comes are gonna take 15 minutes So, how do you think you're going to... How are you going to travel through time, is my question. Like, I was ready at six so that there would be, like, no stress for the taxi scenario

and you have yet to do your hair, you're still wearing the clothes you said... I think there was talk of a shower. Like, your stuff you haven't even packed any stuff for the thing and they're like oh god you said why are you such a dick about i'm just i'll do it and the next thing you know taxi's on a meter it's seven they're getting in the car and they're saying what's the stress well it's like well nothing for you because you seem immune to feeling stress. Whereas stress gets me up in the morning, it gets me places on time, it gets work done.

How do you go through life like this? And why do you keep getting let off? Why are there no consequences in your world? You walk out of a tube station just immediately stand stuck still and go right where are we what are we up to then and you're like people are trying to get fucking past you in an exit thoroughfare

why didn't you check the route before you got why haven't you already memorised what direction we're leaving the tube station you just fucking stood there like a cunt chill out John why are you so highly strung because i know where we're going and then they ride on your coattails which i'll just follow you you're like no actually i want you to close your eyes and spin rounds 20 times by which time i will have gone and we'll see who survives and then somehow they

fluke it and it's always fine and they go to airports with their fucking passports and boarding passes falling out of their bag and somehow it's always fine yeah so that sort of person I mean I the thing is, we're on a desert island,

and I think the problem is with these type of people, it doesn't matter how many of these things that you take away, because on a desert island, time will have no meaning, but they're still going to be fucking annoying. There will still be things that you will find, but it's like... No, time doesn't have meaning, because if the rain's coming and you've got to build a shelter, time has more meaning than ever. Also, we've got to keep track of time for our own sanity.

We need to fish, we need to, you know, wash, we need to keep sanitation, we need to grow stuff. Things will be the worst. Also, I guarantee they have survived the plane crash because they turned up late, the plane waited for them. Because they didn't pre-book their seats, they got allocated late, the plane waited for them. Because they didn't pre-book their seats, they got allocated ones with extra leg room for free because they're the last ones to go when you pre-book in on EasyJet. That means they've got put on the back of the plane, which is

statistically the safest part of the plane, which I've paid £7.99 to choose a seat at the back of the plane. All of the efficient people are at the front. They all die. And the person that the plane waited for just crashes and they just walk out completely fine. And I'm just thinking all of the efficient people have lost their lives and you survive.

And like somehow their bag which is badly packed and over the weight limit, but they've somehow been let off for that as well, has like bounced out of the plane and just fallen in front of them. And it's got all their stuff in, whereas my bag, which is immaculately packed, will have burst into flames before there was even a technical problem on the plane. Because a lithium battery that was in

their bag that they are not legally allowed to have in the hold has jumped out of their bag during a bit of turbulence into my bag mine has burst into flames theirs is fine so I'm having to wear their clothes which are all full of holes and smell damp because they don't know how to dry clothes efficiently. We're off to a fine start, John. I mean, I mean, we haven't even thought about how the cocaine enthusiast is going to get on with the dawdler. Because I mean, in a way, the cocaine enthusiast is the opposite of a dawdler but he's also not really getting stuff done you've got the nlp guy who's trying to persuade everyone to do things a certain way i mean it's it's it's a fucking mess john i think but the sort of person i'm imagining will have sort of drifted through their life living

with lots of kind of people who they're just... People who are late and faff and dawdle tend to be quite laid back. So I reckon they'd probably be fine with the cocaine guy because it would remind them of, like, twitchy Nigel that they lived with at uni. And they're fine with someone eating their food and fine with someone... They'll sort of...

The cocaine guy and the NLP guy will sort of take advantage of them but they won't really mind because they don't mind anything because nothing matters it's based on a number of people okay john well look you know we've got a horrendous group of people joining you on the island right now and already we're setting up for like a really uncomfortable experience but mercifully John, well, look, you know, we've got a horrendous group of people joining you on the island right now. And already we're setting up for like a really uncomfortable experience. But mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Well, my least favorite food would be bad meat. Bad meat. any particular animal well i stopped eating meat about seven years ago and people when you tell them that for the first time they often say oh don't you miss don't you miss bacon sandwiches don't you miss sausages oh i really miss steak don't you miss this don't miss that and what they never say is oh you never have to eat any bad meat ever again because Because I would say the percentage of meat

that we eat that's like gross or like bad is I'd say about 75% of the time, like no one ever goes, oh, don't you miss the sort of slightly undercooked bacon you get in hotel buffets that's sort of silvery and green? And you're like, no, well, of course not, because that's rank. Do you miss the slightly undercooked sausages in a hotel? I've got a specific problem with that. Oh, don't you miss, like, the time you found a cow's tooth in that mince you bought? Don't you miss the sort of gristle that takes you by surprise and makes you think you've broken a tooth while you're eating? Don't you miss burgers that are slightly raw on the inside and even though you don't

get food poisoning, you spend the next day thinking you've got food poisoning so you might as well have just had food poisoning. No one ever thinks about that when they think about giving something up. So the idea of being trapped on a desert island with badly cooked

meat i the last meat i ever ate was a uh i had been uh spending a lot of time with a vegan and i'd had about a week of eating all vegan food and i was had a full nando's uh card used to have a loyalty card i don't know if they still have it now. But I'd earned enough for a full chicken. And I thought, right. There was a Nando's by my tube station that was living near. And I thought, as soon as I get off the tube,

I'm going to Nando's and I'm going to have a full chicken. So I did that. I was eating the chicken. Absolutely fine. Turned it over to work on the other side. And because it was eating the chicken, absolutely fine, turned it over to work on the other side, and because it was a full chicken it was like the whole carcass there, and I was like, what's that? That looks a bit weird, what's that? On the rib cage, and I realized it was a tumor. And the chicken I was eating had obviously had cancer.

And the rib cage had this enormous tumor on it. And I was like, okay. And something clicked in my head. It was like, all meat is flesh. Meat is actual flesh. It's a thing that exists and gets cancer. And suddenly all these connections got made in my head. And I was like, oh, right, well, this is never happening again.

And since then, I think it was eight years ago, maybe nine, I've only eaten meat twice, and that was by accident. once with a badly labelled collection of samosas at a cricket club the lambs and the vegetable samosas were on the same they were badly labelled and once an incredibly embarrassing

moment where I turned up at a gig and I was backstage with a comedian I didn't know and a pizza arrived and I was like oh great are they for us and I was backstage with a comedian I didn't know and a pizza arrived and I was like, oh great, are they for us? And I reached towards the pizza and the comedian said, actually I bought that from one of the stands and got it sent over.

And I was like, oh God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, have some, have some. I was like, no, no, no, I feel really awkward. No, that's your pizza. He said, please, please have some. So I took a slice, ate it, had pepperoni on it and I realised as soon as I bit into it and then I spat it out,

which to him must have seemed incredibly rude. So that aside, yeah, that was me and meat done. So, bad meat is my food. My drink, this was V, V tricky. I have gone for, on the assumption it's going to be hot because it's in cans. I've gone for Budweiser because I was just trying to think I was thinking of like, cause I hate people send me lots of beer, which is a nice problem to have, I'm well aware.

But because these are sort of cool craft breweries, a lot of that beer is very, very, very strong. So I was sent a 15% beer, 550ml can, right? And with the best will of the world it was absolute dog shit i mean it was like completely undrinkable yeah however i can imagine if you were sipping it out of like 200 mil or 100 mil things sharing it fair enough but anyway it was just like well that's going down the sink so there will be that however on a desert, if you just wanted to get razzed, I'm sure you could get used to that for the payoff of getting quite good bang for your buck ABV-wise.

However, I think the thing with Budweiser or any kind of weak lager, and I don't drink lager and I hate the taste of lager anyway, the sheer amount of it you would have to get through in order to even feel the slightest bit relaxed would be torture I think it would be torture yeah and that's sort of like 30 degrees yeah I think a 30 degrees can of Budweiser also because you've been on the plane you'd have to drink lots of tiny ones as well. Yeah, lots of tiny little Budweisers.

You don't even have the satisfaction of drinking one long one. You'd have to just constantly be open. The next day you're surrounded by tiny cans. You feel like Gulliver. It's like, what am I, a giant? What's going on? There's fucking tiny cans everywhere. It's a bad drink.

You know on the bottle of budweiser there's like a little banner around the neck of it and if you've ever read that it says budweiser king of beers and then it says most beers would say something like we only use the finest hops barley and glacial water or what you know they'd talk up the ingredients the first line of budweiser says we know of no other beer that costs as much to make and you think kind of aiming in the wrong direction there lads yeah someone's ripping you off yeah that's a badly run business really because this tastes shit yeah yeah but you've said it's very expensive but like i would never like if someone's favorite lager is budweiser i would never judge

them because i just think you can't you know there's nothing there's nothing worse than someone who's kind of sniffy about drink or food you like or or whatever you like because your taste by its very nature is subjective but just for me like that would be the hardest thing to get through i think would be a case of 30 degrees budweiser it would be so un so unpleasurable but but i would do it i think you'd have to i mean i don't know how the other people on the island would get along with it but i mean i don't know i think that people on the island would get along with it. But I mean, I don't know. I think that either way, it's just shit. I mean, it's a bad drink. It's a bad drink, John. And it's a good choice. Bad meat and bad beer. So yeah, fair enough. Okay. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with

podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Well, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings

one is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song what are they and why? well film wise I don't I'm very and anyone who has spent extended lengths of time with me will know I have very little patience for spending my time watching stuff I know I'm not going to like.

Great guy to be around. So the idea of committing to a two-hour film just for something to watch that I can tell I'm not going to enjoy I just don't do it great guy to be around so I haven't actually seen that many films that I've like really really hated

I hated We Need to Talk About Kevin but I'm aware it's a very well made film I just found it very frustrating to watch so there are things to enjoy about it in terms of like it's construction and the acting and stuff.

I was going to pick, I wanted to pick an Adam Sandler film just because he's, his sort of output is so interesting in that it's mostly complete garbage, but then with two or three exceptional sort of works of genius.

So I was going to pick Jack and Jill, which I haven't seen, because I thought, well, it's probably the film that I just have absolutely zero interest in experiencing. But then I thought, well, that's just, there's like a million films like that. So I thought, well, what film by him would I like even less? And there's another film of his I haven't seen,

which every single person I know who has seen it has said to me, whatever you do, don't watch this film. John, specifically. Everyone else will love it. It was amazing. It's one of the best films I've ever seen. seen it has said to me whatever you do don't watch this film John specifically everyone else will love it it was amazing so the best ones I've ever seen but John whatever you do do you don't watch this film and it's called uncut gems and I've not watched this film and I will never watch this film because I would say 20 people who have told me not to watch this film I have very very small tolerance for people making bad decisions in films because I'm solution orientated so I

will watch a film where the premise is like someone you know a suspicious flatmate moves in and there's a bit of a creepy tone in there and they're like, what's going on with Jason? Why is he in his room all the time? And I'm like, just call the police now. Call the police now. The police will come round and they'll find out Jason is a serial killer

and then we're all done. Five minute film, lovely job. Roll credits, let's all go home. So from what I've heard, Uncut Gems is someone in a high state of anxiety making a series of bad decisions that means their life gets worse and worse and worse. I would not be able to watch it. I'm also aware that gambling plays an element of the story and I've had problems with gambling in a long time ago in my past and I think the combination of a gambler making bad decisions would I think I might die if I watched it so yeah I

couldn't I don't think I go anywhere near that film but I have heard it's very very good well it is very very good i've watched it and i really enjoyed it but i mean enjoyed it in a way that you know some things you watch and you think that was fucking great i'm never going to watch it ever again you know like like this is england do you think this is perfect it's brilliant there's no way i'm ever going to be in the mood for that again you know and so when Uncut Gems came on Netflix or whatever and I'd heard it was really good and I started watching it quite late at night I've got small children so it's already a kind of oh god it's already half past nine

and we started watching it and it got to the point I thought oh it's quite a long film okay I'm gonna I'm gonna stop it and resume it the next day. But I really enjoyed it. So I thought, I can't even wait till tonight. I'm going to watch it on the way into work. So I watched the last 30 minutes. Like, it's so... You know the end of Goodfellas? Have you seen Goodfellas?

Yes, many times. And it gets very tense towards the end. It's kind of like that, but more so. And I ended up watching the last incredibly tense half an hour in the rush hour on the way into central London as I was being pushed onto tubes and it only heightened it

and I'm like what the fuck am I doing this is the worst thing I could possibly this is not a good place to watch this and again it's one of those films that was brilliant and you know what for someone who does a lot of very bad films it's one of those films that that was that was brilliant and you know what for someone who does a lot of very bad films it's really nice to see adam sandler do this like great film he should get an oscar it's wonderful never gonna watch it again and that's your last film on a

desert island i mean it's it's a horrendous choice john thank you thank you which i mean because there's like millions of bad films so I thought I'd pick one that would probably A. I wouldn't even watch and also that would sort of drive me nuts so the reason I didn't like we need to talk about Kevin

is because I spent the whole film wanting to scream at the mum and the dad yeah your kid's insane and he's going to kill someone scream at the mum and the dad, yeah, your kid's insane and he's going to kill someone, so you maybe call the police right now. But they didn't. They just kept fucking blathering on. Slow pace, lingering shots.

I'm like, you need to call the police right now because I'm pretty sure your son's going to kill quite a few people. He's clearly, like like mentally unwell we need to sort this out no again endless lingering shots of people not making the correct decision I'd love to make the first ever film with no peril. Just a series of excellent choices. Like a couple who meet, they immediately get together, they love each other. An ex

from the woman's past comes back at the front door, she immediately says, no, go away, you never see him again. They invest well. They buy a house the guy's friend from school who was always down on his luck

comes with a scheme about like how he's got this this farm he wants to start from scratch he just needs a hundred thousand dollars and this guy

he's only got a hundred thousand dollars in his savings account he says to his friend no and the friend goes and you never see him again and it's almost like i could watch it in real time just them over 60 years getting old making really good decisions not driving when they're tired getting their car serviced regularly, getting the boiler serviced, making sure that their sort of white goods were all working efficiently.

And then they die peacefully. And you're like, that was the best 60-year film I've ever seen. John, as much as you would like to watch that film, you don't get to. You get to watch Uncut Gems on repeat. Or not, but, I mean, that's your option. But, I mean, you do have another choice for entertainment, which, of course, is your song.

What's your song going to be? Yeah, so... The song I picked... This was very, very difficult because there's an awful lot of music I don't like, but there's an awful lot of music I'm completely ambivalent to. Y cerdd i mi ei ddewis... Roedd hyn yn anodd iawn oherwydd mae llawer o ddiddorol dwi ddim yn ei hoffi, ond mae llawer o ddiddorol dwi'n hynod o amhifol i. Felly roedd rhaid i mi ddewis rhywbeth a fyddai'n gwneud fy mod yn anodd ac yn fy nhyrch. Felly mae'r cerdd i mi ei ddewis yn gyfrifol o ddiddorol ddiddorol dwi am ei enw. Y cerdd i mi ei ddew've picked is Josh Wink's Higher State of

Consciousness. And the type of music it is representative of, and I don't mean this in a disparaging way, is what I call chef music. And it's the music that plays when the kitchen door in a restaurant swings open and you suddenly get a burst of the most appalling sound you've ever heard being played really loud it's usually like drum and bass or drill and bass or like happy hardcore or something just so intense and i am well aware that an awful lot of chefs it's a brutal job and they need to be like going and going and going and who knows not to cast aspersions maybe the guy on cocaine would like this song but like if you're working a 16 hour shift and you have got to get out breakfast you've got to get out lunch, you've got to get out dinner it's a very stressful atmosphere

you might need that kind of beats per minute to get you through the day however to me if I walked into a place and it was playing that sort of music it's like whatever natural rhythms are in my body and my mind

and my heart and my soul it is the opposite of all of those played in the wrong order too fast so i would have to immediately leave i would actually and i have done this if we go into a bar and it's that sort of i'm just like i can't because i can't think i can't even string a sentence together in my head so we we're going to have to go now. I ruined your evening again because I also didn't watch that shit film you wanted to watch. Sorry. But I don't know what type of music it is.

I'd like to say it's rave music, but it's probably not. Does anyone know what you would call Josh Winks' house? Techno. Techno, yes. That sounds like something awful. Well, look, John... But that's not...

I'm not like... If you like techno, your vibe is your tribe, but for me, it's like... It's just... It's like saying, oh, we're just going to go to this bar. By the way, when you walk in, it's just full of hydrochloric acid.

And you're like, oh, well, I won't be doing that. What? Lame-o. So, yeah, I couldn't have that. Well, I think that's a fair choice because I'm someone who likes electronic music. I do like that song. And I have even DJed that song at a party where, I mean, you know, people lost their shit. It was great. But even though I think it's a stone cold classic of the genre,

if that was the only song I had to listen to on a desert island, it would be fucking horrendous. But isn't the song, do you not find it sort of hits a lot of the keynotes of a panic attack? Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to hold it up there with the great works by, you know, The Beatles, for instance. No, but that's not what I'm not saying. I think...

But I don't understand what it is for. And I don't understand... Like, I know you've got to take like speed or ecstasy and go to a club to listen to it for me that's a flaw in the musicianship if you're like

no one sits down at like two o'clock on a Sunday afternoon as they're like cooking their roast potatoes and goes oh should we just listen to Josh Wink's High State of Consciousness like you have to be off your head to really enjoy it, which I don't quite understand.

Not understanding is different from condemning. I just don't have a reference point for that experience. Well, the reason I think it's a good choice is because even if you like it, as you said, you wouldn't sit down on a Sunday afternoon and listen to it and I think if I came round as a fan of the song if I came round to someone's house for a roast

and they stuck that on I'd probably question their cooking methods you know I would wonder what was going on I mean I wouldn't take any salt that's for sure yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so that you know that speaks to I wouldn't take any salt, that's for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, that speaks to... You know, it doesn't matter if you like it or not. It's inappropriate for your situation. And being stuck on an island, even as somebody... There's never going to be a point where I kind of think, do you know what, I'm just going to smash some Budweiser and put on Josh Wink for a minute. Who's with me? NLP guy? Give him a slap, obviously.

It just doesn't work, so it's a great choice whether you like it or not. You know, it still works. Cool. Good. Yeah, good choice. Good choice. Good choice. Okay. Well, look, John, finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of

all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Dog. Dog. Dog. Any type of dog. Fucking dog on the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Dog. Dog. Dog. Any type of dog. Fucking dog on the island. Dog on the island! Dog, get it away!

Fuck off! Ugh! Even worse if it's the fucking lazy, faffer, dawdling guy's dog. Because he doesn't look after it, he trained it he doesn't care he doesn't watch it where it's going i just loathe not dogs as individuals i like all living creatures and i can see dogs are very sweet very very um very hardworking and do some incredible stuff. As we have discussed, watching Border Force UK and Australia, there is nothing more incredible than watching a sniffer dog trained to sniff out cash

going through the underside of EG Volkswagen Polo, finding 200 grand. Suddenly questions are going to be asked. Have you ever declared this money? What's it for? I'm taking it back to my... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Love it. Love the dogs they use to

chase people on police interceptors, road wars, and to a lesser extent, traffic cops. Love a working dog. However, I live in a very doggy area. And even with the best will in the world, even with the most considerate owners in the world,

best case scenario, you are looking at a pavement full of smears. And every single thing about dogs disgusts me. I hate the smell of them. I hate the smell of their fur. I hate their saliva. I hate the mud. I hate the chaos. I hate the lack of predictability.

I hate the eagerness. I hate the fact they are fully driven by instincts and urges. I hate it when they just start fucking stuff. I hate their emissions. I love them as individuals. But if there was a dog on the island, I would kill myself. I mean, you know, I sort of think they're the animal equivalent of an NLP guy.

Do you know what I mean? Like that constant need to be reaffirmed. No, no, no, no, no, no. They're the animal equivalent of the cocaine guy. Because the NLP guy is trying to be in control. He's measured. Whereas the cocaine guy is like, let's do this, let's do this. No, we'll do this.

Oh, I've had this amazing experience. Let's do this. Let's go over there. I'm going over here now. Are you coming over here? I'm going over here. It's really great over here. I'm going back over there now

oh what's that oh my god and you're like jesus christ can we all just sit in silence for a week and think about what we're going to do in an orderly fashion please and that's where our old friend, the pussycat comes in. Because then a lovely little pussycat comes on the island and it comes and sits on your lap while you're having a very silent think. Might start to have a little bit of a purr. Might get up and move around and rearrange itself

and sit back down again. And it might wander off in silence. And its fur smells like heaven. And you can give it a little stroke. I'm going to my friend's house tonight and she's just got two kittens today and tonight is their first night in her house and I am very lucky to be sleeping over on the sofa bed

with the little kittens. And I'm pretty sure as soon as I see them I'm going to burst into tears over on the sofa bed with the little kittens. And I'm pretty sure as soon as I see them, I'm going to burst into tears. Because I love kittens, and it's been a rough year. You rightly point out that dogs are very useful. They can sniff out cash, they can sniff out all manner of things.

Some people say they can even sniff out cancer and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can lead the blind around. They're amazing animals, but they haven't ever developed a theory of what to do with all the shit, you know? And it's like, you know, they've got the human, follows them around, picks it up,

and I just think, when we all die, what's your fucking game plan? Like, what are you going to do with all the shit? Because at some point the world's going to get full and you think, well, it's going to take a while. But they're going to have thousands of years and what are you going to do with the shit? There's just no plan at all.

Well, I mean, a very troubling thought were the human population to be wiped out instantly would be the sound of dogs locked in houses, starving to death because of how thick they are. While the cats just sort of pop out of the cat flaps and go, what's your problem? You know, they go and find a bird eat it continue dogs going where's my help where's the help end up getting stuck in a cat flap best case scenario i mean it's a troubling vision apologies to any dog lovers um who are troubled by that but i mean we do we do sort of just lock them in houses for most of their lives, take them out for a couple of walks a day.

Not sure it would be much of a life for me, but then there's a guy who lives near me, and he's got a sausage dog, or a schnauzer, I don't know what it is. But I walk past his house one day, I think he lives on his own, and he's sat in the, there's a little sort of seat on his bay window where his dog always is, Ond rydw i wedi mynd i'w tŷ un diwrnod. Rwy'n credu ei bod yn byw ar ei fath. Ac mae'n bod yn sefydlu'r sefydl yma ar ei fwyafrwydd, lle mae'r ddog yn bob amser. Ac mae wedi cael y ddog soseg hwn, y ddog soseg hwnnw o ffyn, o'i llaw, ac mae'n gwneud yn llwyr yn ei gysgu ar ei ddeg. Ac roedd yn un o'r pethau mwyaf. Y ddyn hwn yn gwthio rhywfaint gyda'i ddog soseg. it on its head and it was one of the sweetest things this guy just spending some time with his sausage dog and i thought that is sweet but i bet that dog fucking stinks

and i think as you know we're thinking of the worst animal you can have we're going to get an especially stinky also this island's overrun with them so... So it's not just one dog? It's many dogs. Oh, that's... No, you can't do that. Yeah. It's the rules, I'm afraid. How far can dogs swim? Depends on the breed, I think. I mean, I don't know. I'm no expert.

I'm going to be making a Budweiser can raft, and I will just float off the island and just say, bye, dogs. Yeah. Goodbye. Well, I think it's fair because what you've done here tonight, John, is you've created a terrible environment filled with the worst people and things that you could possibly imagine. You've done a great job because I wouldn't want to go there.

Now, John, one thing that we used to do on this podcast, which we've let slide a bit, we've all let things slide, we used to do a companion podcast called Compact Dicks, where the audience or the listeners used to get their say on who and what they thought were the worst people and things imaginable. And you people out there have on your table cards of your suggestions, and there's a man over there who's collecting them now. So we're just going to have a little...

You've got some and he's going to get more. We're just going to have a little look at some of them and just have a little critique. Yeah, can I get another Guinness at all? Would that be all right? That's not on you. I'm sure someone can sort that out, can't they? Oh, thank you very much.

OK, fine. Extraordinarily confident. out can't they oh thank you very much okay fine okay well extraordinarily well they i mean they've really written a lot on this this one so there you go you have those i'm not you've been talking throughout the whole show i'm not reading your fucking things they don't even listen now they're we can have a few there as well okay let me see some okay well you can go to it. Okay. There's a few choices on here. Oh, interesting. Interesting. What have you got? Anyone under

the age of 25. That's good. That is good. What's your thoughts? No, I think I would like to learn about youth culture. I think I would sort of, especially if they were like a teenager, I think I would,

it would be like Dangerous Minds. I'm Michelle Pfeiffer. Initially we wouldn't get on. We'd rub up against each other, but not in a physical sense because we maintain decency on the island.

But they would grow to have a grudging respect for my wisdom. Once you'd fashioned a chair from sticks that you could put backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The food-wise, they've said coriander. It's a love it or hate it thing. Well, it is, but apparently it's like your wee when you've eaten asparagus.

So it's a similar thing for some people coriander tastes like soap like dish washing up liquid whereas for some people I'm going to plead guilty to this it tastes absolutely delicious but I think

it's similar to the way that some people's wee either doesn't smell of asparagus or some people can't smell the asparagus on the wee. I'm not sure they've ever solved that problem. Ran out of funding. So, yeah, that's a good one. John, I have one here. People who can't decide what to drink at bars.

How do you feel about those people? People who can't decide what to drink at bars? Well, I have to admit, I've been one of of those people especially if the bar is poorly stocked what i would maybe as a little addendum to that is people at either bars tills or at the front of queues when it comes to paying for what they've bought it's as if the concept of money has been thrust on them entirely recently. So, I mean, they would fall into the sort of faffing dauntless who take lots of time category. But people are like, oh, that's that's 12 past 50, please. And they're like, oh, right. OK, well, now we will begin the process of extracting my purse from my bag or my wallet from my pocket this could take some time

and you're like what have you been thinking about for the last five minutes I'm good to go I'm good to tap I've got the exact change in my hand and then they oh thank you very much cheers man um we're a round of applause and then they start counting out, like, coins, one by one. And then holding them to the person on the till, as if to go, what is this? Is this the right amount? And you're like, oh, mate. First to go in the zombie apocalypse.

They are faffing around with coins. This one is someone that this person would hate to be stuck on desert island with the person who invented pulled pork and craft beer that's an interesting one um i think pulled pork is maybe a little bit dominant in certain sectors um but i do like some craft beers so i couldn't come down entirely on the side of that one. What have you got? I think it's difficult, isn't it? Because craft beers, I enjoy the beers,

but I don't want to keep talking about it with the person. You know? It's like, okay, we enjoy the drink. Can we just have a drink now? Yeah, I mean, it might make a good idea for a podcast. But yeah, yeah, yeah, I see your point. You don't talk about it too much. I think there is a gap in the market.

Hey, Greg Wallace, brackets, fitness era. Well, I've got mixed feelings about Weg Grollis. I have got mixed feelings about Greg Wallace, and I'm going to say here, I have a real respect

for people who are able to make garbage TV unmissable. And Greg Wallace on Inside the Factory should get some kind of Emmy or a BAFTA because his ability to speak to someone with incredibly thick lensed glasses and a hairnet, who by all accounts has never spoken out loud before

as they pour grain into from one bin into another bin. The way that Greg guides them through that interaction with just a warm but firm arm around the shoulder and then says are you telling me

that if we took all the grain that you use in a year it would spread across the earth a thousand times and you're like Greg Greg Greg Greg Greg speak me some more facts about quantities of grain

and then we'll go to Cherry Healy Greg, Greg, Greg, speak me some more facts about quantities of grain. And then we'll go to Cherry Healy, who will do a chat about different types of pasta, and then Dr Ruth Goodman, who will tell us how people made stew in the 1500s. And it's that they are the triple threat. Greg, Cherry, and Dr Ruth Goodman. So on that thing, like, also, the way... I know this has been covered on social media quite a lot,

but the way he eats from a spoon is captivating. And that sauce is lovely! And imagine if you met someone who talked like that in real life. Like at a meal you were having. Where they tried a bit of pizza and they went, the anchovies on that are

incredible. Fucking hell, shut up mate. I'm trying to have a pizza express here. On the other hand, I have heard he's got a short temper. But I read an article he did, an interview, I think it was in the Mirror or the Mail or something, where he was talking about, like, so he does,

I don't think he either doesn't live with his partner or he doesn't have friends around and the thrust of it was like he doesn't really stay over he doesn't like having people to stay over and they said why and he listed a number of things and the last one was and you can't go to the toilet loudly. And I thought, you know what? He's absolutely right. That is the worst thing about people staying over in your house, is you're sort of like, I'm not able to give it 100%. Whereas, you know, I've lived alone for six years.

There's a phenomenal amount of downsides to the situation, but one of them is complete toilet freedom. Well, let's end on a high note. John, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on Desert Island Explained. Thank you so much for having us. Thank you, everyone. It's been great fun. Thank you very much, everybody. Love you. Goodbye. Goodbye.

I was going to say, this is where they can play the music. Or Josh Wynne. Josh Wynne. Either. But we're just going to go. There. There you go then, that was Desert Island Dicks live with John Robbins there, as recorded at the Bedford Pub in Ballam, as part of the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival on October the 6th in the year 2022. yeah as I said we're going to take a little break

but you know check out our back catalogue like and subscribe and um you know if you subscribe obviously as soon as we do a new episode or just pop back into your phone or wherever you listen and um that's the best way to keep up to date with us also you can find us on social media at dixpod on Instagram and Twitter. They're the best ways to keep in touch as well. And I think that's about it. Special thanks, as always, goes to James Deacon, John Deacon, and everyone else that's helped out and listened over the years.

Desert Island Dicks has been a Sink Clap production, and we'll be back in touch soon. Cheers. Bye.