Desert Island Dicks - JON HOLMES

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

Comedian, writer, broadcaster and podcaster, Jon Holmes joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello, it's Dan here from Desert Island Dicks. Today, the episode features the very wonderful John Holmes, and I hope you'll enjoy it. He was very good I think. This episode was recorded about three weeks ago so about a week or so before working from home and lockdown and things like that so I just wanted to point that out because podcasts at the minute are going to be coming out in a slightly different order what with everything that's going on so just in case you were sitting

there seething thinking this awful selfish git how dare he go into a studio when we're all in lockdown he's draining the nhs and making a big i'm not i'm just oh it was fine at the time to go into town and and meet people and record podcasts and be slightly glib about the whole thing it's all different now but anyway let's not get bogged down in that hope you enjoy the podcast and there will be more released very soon cheers hi i'm dan benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is broadcaster, comedian, writer and podcaster John Holmes. Everyone's a podcaster now, aren't they? Have you noticed recently how that has been added to everybody's CV that you've ever met? Yeah. You know, a guy comes round your house and he goes, so what's the problem? You go, I've got a leaking tap. And he goes, right, I'm a plumber, also a podcaster.

And that happens now. It's people, everyone can do it. So, yeah, here we are. I mean, it's just a given. You might as well say human slash podcaster. You might as well. It might just be the catch-all. If John Holmes just said, yeah, I identify as a podcaster, it would cover everything and all those problems

and arguments from the various lobbies would go away. I think it's like when people on Twitter sort of say, father, son, husband. Yeah.

You know, those things. It's like, again, with podcasters, it doesn't need to be said. It's a given that you're, you know, you're someone's son. Yeah, it should be like,

you know, like a pronoun, shouldn't it? It's just like, you know you're you're someone's son yeah it should be like um you know like like a pronoun shouldn't it it's just like you know he him podcaster that's what i am now well thank you for coming in and uh how did you find the process of choosing your it's quite difficult isn't it it's quite uh it's quite a tricky because i i realize um that most people want to come across as nice so the idea of sort of slagging people off on a podcast to a lot of people is an anathema. It's sort of, oh, I don't want to come across... But, you know, I hate lots of things, so I kind of felt vaguely at home doing it.

But it's hard to narrow it down. That's the problem. I think people either find it hard to be hateful to people or they hate so many people it's hard to whittle it down. There's no middle ground on this. Not at all. No, on this no not exactly no okay well let's just dive straight in who is going to be your first dick on the island well i'm gonna start with a you won't know who she is okay but um she is a russian lady who is in charge of the cabin baggage size at, well, I've seen her both then. So she's in charge of cabin baggage size either at Stansted Airport or St. Petersburg Airport. She works for the budget Russian airline Pobeda.

Wow. Okay, so this is quite niche. I like this already. It's absolutely niche, right? And I travel quite a bit because I, I mean, not currently while the coronavirus is on, which is at the time we're recording this, but another sideline, apart from being a podcaster, is that I do travel writing, okay?

Usually for the Sunday Times. And so I do get to go to a lot of strange places across the world. And so I travel a lot. So I see, I've never been able to understand why cabin baggage, right? Given that the planes are broadly the same depending on the route, why the cabin baggage requirement for one identical plane is different to that plane, which is the same plane going somewhere else. And I can't, and you ask people who should know about these things,

and they just go, oh, it's airline regulations. And you go, no, it isn't. It isn't because I, because I'm pedantic, I went to Boeing, right, and said, are there cabin baggage requirements aboard your aircraft? Because it's all to do with weight, size, you know, stuff fitting. And they went, no, it's up to the individual airline. So they just make it up. Yeah. So they can charge you more money. That's all it's for. I don't want to sort of single people out, but sometimes I feel that I've seen much bigger people getting on with smaller bags. And, you know, as a fairly slight person, I think, well, let's just even it out. Can't there be a sort of a scale or something? And then it's fair.

I mean, I could personally fit in an overhead locker, right? So I should be able to bring a big old bag that can sit in my seat while I have a nap in the locker. But this woman, right, so I had done my research, because I travel, so I thought, well, I'm going to check the cabin baggage sizes, because I don't want to be beaten by this thing. So I got to the gate with one that fitted. And I've never seen this before. You know when you're at an airport and sometimes they'll put your bag in a little, like, cage? Yeah. Yeah. This woman had a tin box, right, with a lid. Not only did your thing have to fit in this tiny tiny tiny box the lid had to

close fully not a frat not even a millimeter was allowed for the lid to be open wow it had to fit entirely and she was fastidious about it i mean she was sort of like military she wasn't military but she might as well yeah she had that steely look in her eye and she wanted to beat everybody in the queue who hadn't been pre-warned. Now, on this flight, which was a budget flight, okay, to St. Petersburg and it was the first,

it was the inaugural flight. That was why I was reviewing it. Okay, go to St. Petersburg and it was only like 30 quid. 30 quid to St. Petersburg is not a bad price. I know it's a budget airline. I know what I'm going to get.

Fine. But a lot of people didn't. So they got rucksacks and stuff and, you know, shopping from the duty free. No, that wasn't allowed either. No, everything you were taking on board had to fit into tiny, tiny Nazi tin. Right. And nobody, apart from mine, no oneones did, because no-one had checked. And so what you got was a queue of people frantically trying to repack bags and then have to check the bags in because they needed to take them but weren't allowed,

so they had to then queue to pay. So this entire disaster was going on because this one was so... And people would unpack their bags, come back, try to squash it back into her one tin, and then she'd sort of close the lid, stare at them, close the lid slowly, and then as it got closer to the bit where it was supposed to close, and if she could judge that it didn't, she sort of smiled in an evil way,

and then just made... No, niente. And then you had to start again. Wow. And the whole queue was... And this one bloke, right? And this is what really annoyed me about her, okay? One man,

he got his stuff finally into this box, right? Fine. Then he was allowed to check in. This was at the check-in. Right. So everyone goes through and you do your thing and then you go to the gate to board, right? And this bloke had misunderstood. So he'd got his bag that was allowed

in the tin, but he'd gone shopping. So he had got, right, he was a Russian guy, he'd got a souvenir tin of shortbread, and the tin was the shape of Tower Bridge, right? And he'd got, for some reason, well, I know the reason, because they didn't, the other thing, they didn't serve food or drink at all on this flight. Okay.

Not even a trolley. Nothing. Nothing, no opportunity. Which is insane,ey. Nothing. Nothing. No opportunities. Which is insane, because that's how they make their money. But no. So you had to take your food on. Okay.

And there was a strict rule about no alcohol on board as well. Don't want to smuggle alcohol. Of course they did. But this guy hadn't got that memo either. Yeah. So he'd bought loads of food. So he'd got, for some reason,

a multi-bag of bags of crisps. Okay. So he had ten individual bags of crisps in a multi-bag. His tin of Tower Bridge shortbread. And of course of crisps. Okay, so he had ten individual bags of crisps in a multi-bag. He's tin of Tower Bridge shortbread. And, of course, he got to the front, and I thought, this isn't going to go well, is it? Because, of course, you can't...

Everything has to fit in. So what you were treated to then, and this is why the plane was delayed, was a man frantically eating shortbread and crisps sitting on the floor by the gate, just to spite the woman. The driest picnic in the world. And she was honestly like a dementor.

She was just sucking the joy out of flights. She was absolutely horrific. And I just had an utter dislike for her. And I just thought, if she's on a desert island, you know, she would probably ration the sand. I mean, she was just that sort of person. And so she was an utter, utter jobs worth dick that I definitely want

on an island. standing there with her luggage coffin. Yeah, exactly. It was a tight, I mean, I wrote down the sizes,

right? So this, so it was sent to 36, right? Uh, 30, 27. Now that is no size.

No. For a, you know, I think, um, you know, BA is like 55 or something. You know,

it's like ridiculous. Yeah, nothing is that shape. No. Even if, even if the volume is the same, they're not going to fit in that. And the fact that it was a tin with a lid, what's she doing? So no, so that's it, that's, uh, and also, when I, uh, I smugly put my bag in, because I, again, I had checked, so I'd, I'd, all I took

was my camera stuff on board, in that sense. So, you know, that, because I don't want to put that in anyone's hold, you, to take that with you. So that's kind of what fitted on an iPad, that was alright. So, you know, because I don't want to put that in anyone's hold. You take that with you. So that's kind of what fitted on an iPad. That was all right. And when the lid closed and she couldn't do anything to me, and I was the only one, she looked angry that I'd beaten her box.

And I was smug because the Russian word pobida means victory. Okay. And I was like, yeah, Pobeda you. I think airports are a real sort of battleground for sort of pettiness, aren't they? It's somewhere where logic doesn't apply. You know, with this sort of 100 mils or less kind of thing. I remember having a half-empty container

of, I don't know, cream or some kind of thing, and they said, oh, it's over 100 mils, and I was like, but it's half-empty. You can check, you can see it's under half-empty, and it says 100 mils on the thing, and you they said, oh, it's over 100 mils. And I was like, but it's half empty. You can check. You can see it's under half empty. And it says 100 mils on the thing. And you're like, but, but...

Yeah. It's like they think you've got 100 mils, but the empty part of that container must contain the explosive stuff. The explosive air that you're taking on board is clearly in that bottle. It doesn't seem to make sense anyway, but given that you can take as many of them as you like,

so you could have, you know, you can't have one big pot of explosives, but you could have a million tiny ones. And any bomber worth his or her salt knows damn well that it's the mixing of the stuff, once you're on board, that causes the chemical reaction that creates the explosion, right?

So you have to keep this stuff separate to go on board anyway. So in actual fact, they should make you mix it to take it on and there it's safe. Idiots! Oh, man, yeah, that does sound like an incredibly... I mean, even if you're going for sort of... Whether you're in for business or pleasure,

just starting any kind of flight like that is going to put you... It's, you know, you've got to... I said, why is yours... I've been on this plane before, you know, from another airline. And it wasn't full, so there's plenty of room in the overhead locker. I mean, it's not like it was... I get it if people are taking on enormous things, and the lockers are full.

I get that, right? But not in this situation. And the fact that she was arguing about it with people when it wasn't a full flight and it was so specific, you just don't need to do it. Just use a bit of common sense. about it with people when it wasn't a full flight and it's so specific. It's just, you just don't need to do it. Just use a bit of common sense. And if other planes

on other fleets are the same plane and their baggage allowance is much bigger, why have you just chosen to do that? Do you think there's sort of maybe sort of making

a bit on the side taking other stuff over for people and it's kind of, oh right, we've smuggled so much of this stuff. Yeah.

You're going to really, can you get the smaller tin? Yeah, can you get the small tin? Can we get the small tin? right, we've smuggled so much of this stuff. Yeah. You're going to really... Can you get the smaller tin? Yeah, bring out the small tin. Can we get the small tin? Honestly, I've never seen a tin like it on any other airline at all. Amazing. It was like Pandora's box. Feels like purgatory is, you know,

standing in a queue trying to make a bag fit into a tin, isn't it? Yeah, over and over again. Yeah. Just shaving bits off the bag, taking out a toothbrush just in case it now fits. It's for a sense. Just shaving bits off the bag, taking out a toothbrush just in case it now fits. It's like a modern day version of that Greek myth,

you know, the man who had to roll a rock up a hill every day and start all over again. I think that's an amazing addition and as you say, you know,

to be stuck on an island with that level of pedantry would just be excruciating. Oh, you can imagine, can't you? Just every last thing you're trying to do. Does it fit in the box? Oh, God!

The box, you know. I've got... I've been out. I've caught fish. We can live another day. Oh, does the fish fit in the box? Oh, God! Okay, John, who's going to be your second choice for the island? Well, now, this...

So, I've gone obscure woman from airline. Now, this time, this one, because I know this time, so I've gone obscure woman from airline. Mm-hmm. Um, now, this time, this one, because I know people do, I've gone celebrity. Okay. Because I think that's right and proper. Now, it's a real, this was a, I struggled with this, because there are two particular celebrities that I find to be dicks. Okay. Both based on personal experience.

Okay. So it's not just like I'm watching someone on telly going, oh, they're a dick. Right? This is, because I'm more than happy. You know, I find people to be fine unless something's happened that makes them not fine. I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, shall we say. So while I will watch, you know, television

and go, well, that's clearly a dick, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. But I've based these on personal, so I can categorically tell they are dicks. Okay. So I've got two, but I'll pick one over the other. But I'll briefly tell you about one,

and then we'll go for it. So my first one, if you like, the one I'm not going to actually pick, is David Walliams. Okay. Okay, because I've interviewed David Walliams maybe three times, and each time he was a dick.

And just rude. Just rude and unpleasant. Okay. Quite at odds with his public persona. Isn't it, though? Yeah. Isn't it? Funny that.

And so it's almost like he's a different person, isn't it? It's odd, isn't it? Yeah. And we won't talk about his books. But anyway, because that's probably a legal thing, but let's just say he's not necessarily the person you think he is. I think that's broad enough. But no, I've interviewed, and each time, what I found was, so this is purely personal, it's only

me, he might be fine with everyone else, although I've heard he isn't, right? But if you, so I was interviewing him on Radio 2, because I was sitting in for Chris Evans, right, on Radio 2, and he came in, and also on the show is Miranda Hart. Okay. Who's lovely. Right. So, but Miranda Hart knows David Williams. Right.

They obviously mix in the showbiz circle way above my pay grade. Okay. And that's fine. So, he came in. Now, bear in mind, I'm operating the desk, you know, for those radio people listening to this. Right. So, I'm technically sitting in the presenter spot. Miranda's opposite me.

Yep. But also on the show, and David's the guest. So he comes into the studio, and he just... And you do polite things. You go, oh, hi, nice to meet you. I'm John. And he just ignored me, and looked past me, and just barely gave me a sort of snooty glance.

Right. And then just went, Miranda! And then just wandered over and had a hug with her. And even sort of over his shoulder, she looked at me and just sort of went... As if to say, what have you done to upset him? And I'm like, I haven't done anything yet. Anyway, so that's fine.

But then I was asking the questions, okay? You know, I don't even remember what he was being interviewed about. It wasn't a book. It was something else. But he's addressing all of the answers. He'll listen to the question,

but then he just turns to Miranda and just speaks to her. Wow. And I was like, what are you doing that for? Yeah. This is dicky behaviour.

There's no need for this because I've been nothing but polite to you. And presumably, you know, in an arena to promote his stuff as well. Yeah.

But I thought, OK, you know Miranda. That's fine, right? But in this scenario, you should be being at least polite, but he wouldn't even speak to me. I mean, he didn't, nothing was addressed to or...

Wow, that's fascinating, isn't it? But then, about maybe a month later, okay, now, Miranda was staying in the Savoy, okay, for a work thing can't remember why but i we were having a meeting about something else we were working on uh so i went to her savoy suite that she'd been given um for this meeting to have a chat about whatever it was uh and she was sort of like this is brilliant look i've got this suite i don't know why it's amazing come and have a look

it's fine right and and then she said oh david's's popping by. And I'm like, David who? She was like, well, I was like, hmm. Okay, I thought, fine. In the environment of the studio, maybe that's just a thing he does. But this is now a relaxed, friendly environment, well away from broadcasting,

in a suite at the Savoy. We're all just normal people now. We're all normal human beings, aren't we? That's exactly right. We're all on the same level. No, we're not. No, we're not. Same thing happened. Straight in.

She said, Dave, do you remember John? And he just sort of went, and then just spoke to her the whole time. Wow. I mean, literally, I was just standing there, I might as well have been a bookcase.

Because sometimes, you know, you might be watching telly and there's something where there's a character who behaves like that. Yeah. Or you hear an anecdote about someone. And you always assume these sort of people don't exist. And when you actually see that in real life and you just think... And you're always so taken aback, you have nothing left.

Yes. Because you're playing the game. Yeah. You know, the normal, polite... Human interaction sort of game. Yeah. Exactly. And they're not only rude

but they leave you with nothing you're just bereft of any response yeah I had nowhere to go on either occasion because even though

I was trying to go how are you whatever nothing I mean not even an acknowledgement that I was there wow

so weird but he's not even the biggest dick so that brings me on but the connection is a sweet at the Savoy right so during another stint of presenting,

this time at XFM Breakfast, right? And as you'll know, if you're presenting a radio show, you often have to go to junkets to interview A-list celebrities about their films. Yeah. So big Hollywood stars. And you get maybe, I don't know, seven allocated minutes with a room full of PRs and the star

and you wait outside in the corridor to queue up and then you're wheeled in as somebody from, I don't know, Five Live or whatever, where it's just wheeled out. It's your turn with this star. Who, of course, I get they are, as part of their contract to promote this film, are sitting in a hotel suite, you know,

bored out of their minds, saying the same thing over and over again about this film. And they're quite, they're very rigorously maintained time-wise, aren't they? There's like, sort of meticulously, you know, as soon as one's out, the other one's in. Absolutely. So it's not always, I mean, it's sort of, I can imagine it just breeds

hostility on their part. Yeah. Because they probably just feel like a cog in a massive machine, don't they? Exactly right. But they're the centre cog, right? They're the big name. They are paid a lot of money, right, in order to make a film and then promote it. And to promote a film, at least be enthusiastic about it. At least give something to the poor sod presenter

who's got to come in, you know, across town or whatever and sit in a corridor for an hour waiting for seven minutes with you. And if that's happening, you should put some effort in, I think. Yeah, I think that's only fair. Because you're selling their bloody film for them as well. You're then going to go, oh, we've got so-and-so on the programme today and he's talking about or she's talking about whatever it is.

And, you know, at the end of the day, however much that might be an exhausting, tedious thing to do for you, the film star, you could still have the option of taking six months off to live in one of your houses with your family. Also, you're an actor. Act. You don't have to like it. Just do some fucking acting. So, anyway, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Wow, Big Arnie. Yeah. Controversial. Big Arnie, big dick. It wasn't that kind of hotel suite meeting. Is he controversial? Do you have an impression of him already? No, I don't know

I say controversial because I think he's a popular figure I don't know if anyone I don't know if I have an idea of whether he'd be nice or not He's not Okay, now I have an idea Well look, here's what happened But I mean there's a lot of people that you kind of go Yeah, we love his films, but famously a dick.

With Arnie, I think he's sort of managed the public persona. He's managed to sort of... He's fairly neutral, isn't he? And he's almost a bit of a cult figure, you know. I think you're right. I think you're right. And he became governor of California, didn't he? Because he's got charisma, you know. So here's what he did, right.

So I got wheeled in for my seven minutes, OK, and the PR said, Mr Schwarzenegger, this is John. He's from a radio station called XFM here in London. And he's next in like that. And he didn't look up, right? For no reason why he should, right? He was reading a coffee table book, right?

He'd just picked it up off the coffee table in this hotel suite. And it was like a big art book, like hardback, proper, big old thing. And I can't remember what it was, but, you know, big glossy pages, that kind of thing. And he was just staring at it,

you know, on his lap. And she said again, I mean, Schwarzenegger, I've got John from Mexico. He was probably thinking, oh, it's that bloke Walliams doesn't like. I'm not going to talk to him. But he didn't, again, he didn't look up. And I thought, well, he might that bloke Walliams doesn't like. I'm not going to talk to him. But again, he didn't look up.

And I thought, well, he might be hard of hearing. I don't know. He's been around a lot of explosions in his time. Precisely. He's fired bazookas off his shoulder. And that's the shoulder with the ear nearest to me. So we can forgive him that. So I thought, okay, that's fine.

Anyway, he's probably a bit jaded. He's been doing this all day. I'm the 25th person here to do this today. So I sort of wandered over, because then you have to sit next to him to do the interview, while the producer's just sort of plugging in microphones.

And I stood directly in front of him, and I didn't say Mr. Schwarzenegger. I'm not going down that route. And I didn't say Arnie, because I thought that's a bit familiar. So I went with Arnold. Safe ground, you'd think. What is his name? Well, that's what I think. I saidnie, because I thought that's a bit familiar. So I went with Arnold. Safe ground, you'd think. What is his name?

Well, that's what I think. I said, Arnold, I'm John. It's really nice to meet you. And I held out my hand, right, to shake. Now, this is pre-coronavirus, obviously, it was a while ago. So there's no reason why I shouldn't have shaken my hand. And he didn't look up. Now, I'm standing in front of him, right in front of him.

I mean, not a foot away. The book is on his lap. I am now between the coffee table and his lap. And he's still staring at this book. And I said, I said, Arno, really nice to meet you. I'm John. Nothing.

He then pointedly turned one of the pages of the book. Wow. And I was like, this is weird. What's going on? So I thought, well, and my hand's still outstretched in that awkward way. So I thought, well, I can either retract my hand, or I could do what I did, which was to put my hand between the book and his face.

Sort of reaching across. So he was literally then staring at my hand. Oh, man. At that point, he didn't take it. At that point, though, he looked up and just stared at me. Wow. To the point where I thought, that's quite intimidating. I'll probably sit down.

So I sat down. Now, that's not a good start, is it? And then I thought, okay, well, the interview, I've got seven minutes. So what I like to do when I'm interviewing a Hollywood type, I don't actually want to pile in talking about their film, because I know they're bored of that. So I'll come in with something else I've found out, or, you know,

standard operating technique, isn't it? So I started by telling you. I said, okay, X-Men Breakfast, we were with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he's got this film to promote, but never mind that. Arnold, let me tell you this. And he was looking at me by now,

because, you know, that's fine. There's PRs all sitting around as they do. And I told him a story, where a friend of mine went for a job once, a madam to swords, okay, and didn't get the job, but after the interview, went outside for a fag in an alleyway at the back,

or somewhere out the back where they were chucking out a load of old waxworks, right, and just stuff, right? And he nicked Arnold's old head.

Right? And this, this is years ago. And then he left it on a tube. He left it on the circle line. Wow. So I told Arnold that story

because I thought it was funny. Yeah. And just said, say somewhere, Arnold, your head is going round around the circle line. That's quite a funny story that you think he could have interacted with was funny. Yeah. And just said, say, somewhere, Arnold, your head is going round and round the circle line. That's quite a funny story

that you think he could have interacted with, right? Yeah. You know, he could have said, it's going round and round, it'll be back, or something. Anything, anything, Arnold. I'm giving it to you on a plane here. But no, he just stared at me,

didn't say anything, looked over at the PR, and just shrugged his shoulders, as if to say, what the fuck is this guy on about? Wow. Yeah. Wow. I mean, what the fuck is this guy on about? Wow. Yeah. Wow.

I mean, what I keep thinking is, none of this behaviour had started from anything you've done. No. You've just walked in. I may be just that kind of person. I don't know. But then, so, we did it, and I gave up doing anything different.

I just said, oh, tell me about the film. And he went, yeah, the film is with guns and things. Right? And that's fine. And then I got, you know, five minutes of just every single line he'd said and rehearsed that I heard in every interview that he did across that PR period. So I went back

to work and said to the producer, I said, we're not using that shit. It's boring. Unless we, I tell this story, and we pitch shift his voice up to be that of a chipmunk, and then we play that out. Yeah.

Okay, and he went, yeah, I was like, yes, fine, that's funny. I said, because, you know, I reserve the right to make him entertaining, given he was so boring. Yeah, I think that's fair. It's my show, do I? Yeah. Anyway, so he did. Now, and he did ha-ha funny on Twitter, right?

And then someone added him in. Yeah, let's just say, right, since that moment, I am now no longer invited to any Arnold Schwarzenegger junkets or interviews. And even though he's been back a couple of times since with different films, I have been pointedly told by the film company that Mr. Schwarzenegger does not require me to come in. I think in terms of your life and sanity, you've probably done

yourself a favour by being blacklisted by Arnie there. I mean, that's extraordinary, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, again, that sort of behaviour to know that you're there and sort of, well, I'm reading, I'm busy, I'm not even going to... No. Even if you just said, sorry, I've just seen this book on 18th century wagon wheels that they've left on the coffee table in the Savoy.

I don't know, that's the sort of book I imagine they have. I think it probably was. Sorry, John, just let me finish this paragraph. I'll be right with you. Yeah. But just to not even see you there. I mean, it's such a sort of... But he knew I was there, but deliberately...

It's almost like, well, hang on, our seven minutes haven't started yet, so I'm not going to engage with you at all until our allotted time, which isn't how human beings work. It's such a dickish power play, isn't it? It's just that sort of you only get... And you only get to be like that if you've been allowed to be like that for years and years.

You know, it's like... I mean, there has to be a bit of you, a seed that starts off that person, and then it's just sort of cultured over years like a horrible shitty pearl until you're just this awful person ignoring people like that. I know.

There's no need for it. You know, you meet most Hollywood stars in this context of meeting them, which is a work environment, of course, not social. And most of them are pretty lovely, especially when they're on their own and people aren't around them. So you're right, the people around them

that I think change their mindsets and I won't give them now, it's gone too long but I've got examples where a PR has said no, Mr So-and-So won't do that and the moment they've left the room and the person is in the room they go, I will do that, it's fine and they do, so it's never them

It seems unwarranted with Arnie because we've all enjoyed his films, and there's some great fun... Well, you know, they're not held up as masterpieces of modern cinema, but they're fun, you know. Yeah, I mean, Terminator, excellent, of course. You know, I mean, we'll take the first two, we'll ignore the rest. But, like, it's one of those things where sometimes...

I don't really agree with the thing of, this person is such a great artist, he's allowed to be a dick. Because I think that's not fair. You can create something incredible, still adhere to the niceties and polite conventions of being a human. But with him, it's not like he's a great actor. He has created fun, but mainly that's because of the shape of his body. That's exactly what it is.

And the hilarity of his accent. Those are the two things. Without those two things. Without those two things, Arnold Schwarzenegger would not be in that Savoy reading a book about wagon wheels. That's not where he would end up. I don't know what he'd be doing. He'd be a big bloke.

He'd be a bouncer, wouldn't he? That's what he'd be. Daniel Day-Lewis, he stays in character. You can't speak to him. It's very difficult, but there are that performance he turns in once a decade. You're a big man exploding stuff. Yeah.

You know, from, yeah. Yeah. Well, and also, I mean, Christ, that attitude on a desert island where, you know, resources are scarce. You're like, Arnold, look, I really think, like, if you can just move this rock with us, we can, like, open up to another channel. We can get some more fish into the lagoon.

We might just be able to keep us alive. Nothing. No, he's just reading a book on wagon wheels. And reading this sand. I cannot see. Yeah. But I mean, that's it. You know, I know the premise

of the entire podcast, but now I have a woman obsessed with a tiny tin box and a man over here that won't even talk to me and will just shrug his shoulders at his PR whose corpse is there, probably.

I feel like they'd get on famously, though. Those two probably would, yeah. He wouldn't fit in the box, I tell you. Okay, who would be your final dick on the island then? It's going to be an amalgamation. It's going to be... I'm just going to broadly use the term management. Okay.

Specifically in broadcasting. Right. So I'm not going to name anyone for obvious reasons. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to tell you, and it's by no means all management. No. Right? Because some people I've worked with are brilliant. Yeah.

Others, no. No. So, but that's a broad spectrum. And it doesn't even mean that I've worked with them directly. It just means that they've probably had a hand in something that was dickish. So I'm going to broadly say management, and I'm going to zone in on one who was, I think, the first person who fired me from something.

Now, ordinarily when I've been fired from radio stations, I'll hold my hand up and say, well, it probably is my fault. More or less. But other times it's been when, you know, somebody, a boss that likes you, as is prevalent in this industry, and hires you to do what you do, leaves,

and the person coming up behind them, you know absolutely is not going to get you at all, and you're going to be the first out of the door. Because, you know, you're a niche sort of, it's a Marmite figure. Right. So I've had that a lot. But sometimes that's because, you know,

a big company has taken over another company and they're sending it in another direction. And that's fine. So it's not often, sometimes though it's just the individual takes a dislike. At least to what you're doing. Yeah. They'll be perfectly nice to you in the flesh,

but they just hate what you're broadcasting that was a lot um so my first so i'm going to amalgamate all the all these bosses yeah and management um people um and who have been dicks right they know who they are i don't need to name right um a lot of them haven't and if you listen to this you're one of the nice ones uh the other guy is the other one so it takes all right so um but you know did you ever see um jason the argonauts yes so you remember that bit when they uh ended up on the island this is what i thought of this and there was a huge bronze statue called talos yes rings a bell yeah on a plinth and it comes to life and it's got a shield it's a great big ar Arnold Schwarzenegger style thing. Shield and a sword. And it's a towering, you know, 60-foot-high statue.

And it comes to life and starts hunting down Jason and his Argonauts. Yeah. So what I want to do, I want to sort of amalgamate all these bosses into a sort of one big, giant, 60-foot-high... The ultimate manager. Ultimate manager on a plinth. Great. That sort of inhabits the island like Talos.

Okay. Though I don't want to come back to life, because all it would do would be sort of inhabits the island like Talos okay that I don't want to come back to life because all it would do would be to fire me from the island for disliking the way you know

I built a sandcastle I mean we liked the sandcastle initially but we've decided we don't now because of a management restructure

that kind of thing but I'm gonna but I sort of want him to have the head and face of one particular boss okay so the rest of it's an amalgamation. But this is a guy who was the guy who fired me first.

And I definitely didn't do anything wrong on this occasion. So it's my first ever radio station show on a station, which was a tiny little commercial community style station called CTFM. Okay. Okay, down in Canterbury, in Kent. And it was my first ever broadcasting job. So I was doing, I was at uni down there, but I'd got a Radio 4 series. And because that had happened, a guy was launching a radio station,

a guy called John Ryan. He's one of the good guys. He said, do you want to come and do an afternoon show? Yes, I do. Anyway, and as ever, and that went very afternoon show? Yes, I do. Anyway, and as ever, and that went very well for however long, 18 months, two years,

anyway, then he left and then the new guy came in and he was more concerned with sort of the vending machine in the office than he was with creative programming

in any way at all. And that was his big thing. And it all slightly came to head when he introduced a load of new strap lines for the radio station, which was, you're listening to Kent's best party. And I, I know, exactly, so I categorically refused to say that,

because... And also, it doesn't take into account any time of day. I don't want a party in the morning. No, exactly. I want a party in the evening on some nights. So there was, well, exactly that. I want a party when I'm in the mood. No, exactly. I want to party in the evening on some nights. So there was, well, exactly that. I want to party when I'm in the mood for a party.

And also, no, just awful, awful, awful strapline. And he, I mean, one of those things

where you just go, and to tell us off on air, what he would do, he'd wait till we'd done something, which we'd already been doing under the old boss and was fine, but he just didn't like it.

So he'd come in and stand there during the show in the studio, which is never the right thing to do, is it? Wait till afterwards. Don't come and kill the atmosphere in the studio. And what he would do throughout the entire link that he didn't like, he'd stand behind you, the mics were off, so he didn't say anything, but to express his displeasure, he'd switch the light on and off. Oh my wow yeah wow that's amazing i mean well it's terrible but okay yeah that was what he'd do that could throw you off into such a bad especially when you've got to use the word kent a lot yes you know the last thing you want to do is distract a presenter yeah i mean had i said uh oh well it's cgfm it's this it's best party yeah then fair enough but i

didn't um but it's it's done there just while you's this best party then fair enough but I didn't but it's done there while you're speaking just flicking the light on and off like a sort of strobe light effect just to express displeasure

at what you were doing that's such a weird thing to do if you were writing a sort of a cartoon David Brent style manager you couldn't come up

with something that ridiculous would you you'd think well that's too far fetched exactly no one would do that it was so weird and in the end he had to come up with an excuse to get rid of us You'd think, well, that's too far-fetched. Exactly. No one would do that. It was so weird.

And in the end, he had to come up with an excuse to get rid of us, you know, because I think we had a contract, so we couldn't just do that. But he came up, we were in breach of contract because we wouldn't say Kent's best party. And then when I did, right, I would suffix it with, you're listening to Kent's best party, I'd say, apart from that one, in a crack house up the Sturry Road in Canterbury. And that was the one where he went, no, no, you've crossed the line.

Yeah, then he just turned the lights off. The lights off! Exactly. And that was it. My career was forever in darkness. Wow. So he's the face of Talos. Yeah. But the body's just kind of an amalgamation of all the managers that are like that and sort of personify that weird

light turning on and off. Because even if other ones haven't turned the light on and off, they sort of have in a metaphorical way. But I will stress, because I know people listen to this, that is in no way all of the management I've worked with. A lot of them have been absolutely brilliant, but some of them

really haven't. It's a particular style, isn't it? It's like the sort of person rather than saying, oh, sorry, mate, you're a bit late. Is everything okay? They just sort of stand there and like tap their watch in front of you or something. You know, there's always a different way of doing stuff, isn't there? But lights on and off. Honestly, it was like, what are you doing? That is unbelievable. I don't know what he's doing now. I've got no idea. I haven't seen his name in the industry since. So I don't know whether he, doing now. I've got no idea. I haven't seen his name in the industry since. So I don't know whether that was just a short-lived, you know, me just wandered in one day

and decided to run away. I don't know what happened to him. Well, if nothing else, he is immortalised in this podcast. Yes, he is. As the face of Talos on the island. Middle management Talos. Every now and again, he goes, God, it's got dark quickly.

Oh, it's light again. What? He's turning the sun on us. What are you doing, Talos? On now and again, it's got dark quickly. Oh, it's light again. What? He's turning the sun on us. What are you doing, Talos? On the other side of the island. Say the link. Do the line. This is the island's best party. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Well, the food is an easy one, peanut butter.

Okay. I can't stand peanut butter. And it's not the taste of it, it's the clagginess of it. It's its drying properties. Yeah. So you put it a bit in your mouth, and it just sucks all of the moisture out of your entire body. It desiccates you.

Yeah. Within a second. It's one of those very weird things like that, so when you mix cornflour and water, it's a liquid and a solid. It's glue. Yeah. It's peanut glue, is what it is. And I like peanuts.

Mm. And I like butter. Put. And I like butter. Put them together. Awful. And it's just, it's claggy sort of... Mm. Of it. And I don't know.

So someone said to me early on, in my dislike of that, someone said, well, try it with celery, because that peanut butter and celery, you can put it, and it offsets the clagginess with the wateriness of the celery. Problem is, celery's my other foods that I don't like. Right. Stringy, horrible celery.

So I'm no way I'm putting two of those things together. And you could offset the property of one with lots of things. It doesn't make the other thing better. A glass of water, probably, but it's not enough. So no, I will not go near peanut butter. And I know people that spoon it out of the jar, and I just go, ah! Yeah, I mean, because I don't mind it,

but I find it has to be, as you say, it has to be mixed with other things, you know, and I'll make some toast for my son. Yeah.

And then maybe, you know, you might lick the knife afterward, and you can barely get the knife out of your mouth. It's just like, what is this?

And you see him an hour later, his mouth just full, do you want your cup? Here you go, here you go. Oh, someone's, oddly,

someone's just turned the lights out in this studio. Now, does he work here now? Does he work here and is he listening to this on a feed elsewhere in the building? That was very strange, wasn't it? It's the island's best party.

We already said it. Leave us alone. It's podcast's best party. Don't hit us. The last thing you want on an island is something like peanut butter that sort of dryness

and you sort of don't I think you know it's so boring if it's smooth because there's nothing else to it but if it's crunchy

you're getting bits stuck everywhere and I'm saying this as someone who doesn't mind it I still kind of I'm retoiling as you're saying it I have that

just sort of feeling I can sort of feel my mouth drying up at the very notion of talking about it. It's just a... I'll tell you what it is. As performers, okay, when you sometimes, you know, are doing something that you've not done before

or you're just starting out and you get nervous about going out on stage in front of a load of people, right? The classic thing is, of course, as anyone who's given a best man speech or a wedding speech would know, your mouth dries up, right? So it's that feeling you have of your mouth drying up that you don't like, that's what I get from peanut butter. Yeah. So to actively start your day with it.

Yeah. It's not going to happen. No amount of celery is going to help because that is stringy, disgusting stuff. Yeah, so you're sort of getting bits stuck in your teeth and you're getting bits stuck between your teeth because of the stringiness of the thing. Yeah, neither of them are helping each other. So it's peanut butter.

So if there's a vat of peanut butter, if that woman's little tin is full of peanut butter and it's a tiny tin, that's still too much peanut butter for this island. Fair enough. I notice people keep trying to sort of come up with new ways of doing it. I think in the West Wing,

one of the characters used to have it with apple. He'd slice apple and have peanut butter. And then the other day I saw an M&S. They now, you can buy a little pot of sliced apples with peanut butter on. What the f... It's not, it doesn't work. It's not nice. How did you decide that? I know that fruit and nut is a thing,

but it doesn't mean that nuts spread onto fruit makes it good. Peanut butter and apple? It doesn't work. It's really bizarre. I mean, I'm sort of tempted to try that just to see if the apple does solve my problem. Yeah. But I probably won't.

But it sounds like it's a problem that you don't need to solve. You seem to be doing all right with that. Really? There was a thing about peanut butter and Marmite together recently I saw. People saying that's a taste sensation. But again, I'm not going to try it

because no. Yeah. Just no to the peanut butter. Yeah, I feel like I've... I don't want to close myself off from new experiences. No. But certain things, I'm just not that, yeah, I'm fine. Well, it's also my, my kids will torture me with, you know, if you go to France or Europe,

you can get, I didn't really do them here, but you get big bags of peanut butter flavoured snack, like crisps. Yeah. They're sort of like Wotsits, but they're peanut butter flavoured. I can't bear those either. But they're equally claggy. But my kids will often trick me, you know, if we're abroad or holiday or something, they'll get these things and just mix them up

with other crisps that I might like. And they go, try these, Daddy! And I'll go, ah! In fairness, that's quite a good practical joke. Yeah, it's quite a good practical joke. If I had a peanut allergy, they wouldn't be laughing then, would they? No, no, no. It does remind me of once swapping Nutella for Marmite at university, and that was quite a good practical joke. It's quite a good practical joke. If I had a peanut allergy, they wouldn't be laughing then, would they? No, no, no. It does remind me of once swapping Nutella for Marmite

at university, and that was quite a good one. Yeah. No, it's a horrible thing. I mean, I wish I had a peanut allergy, so I had a proper excuse, but it's just that I don't, I just cannot bear. But I like peanuts, so go figure. No, I think it makes total sense.

And, yeah, exactly, for the island, in a hot, sort of desperate environment. Oh, awful. Oh, look, you're going to be desperate for water anyway, aren't you? Yeah. So you don't want that. Yeah. John, what's going to be your drink choice?

Right. You know, it's a hateful triangle of, well, I'm going to say acid. It's Capri Sun. Yes. Right? I don't like the packaging. The packaging's stupid because it doesn't stack. Yeah.

Right? And it tastes, it just coats your mouth with a lining. Can you see there's a theme developing? Peanut butter, and now it just gives it a sort of, I don't know, just layers, it leaves a layer on your teeth. Yeah. It's just a hideous concoction. And it's hard to get the straw into that thing.

It's really hard not to squirt it everywhere. That is precisely my other point. The moment you go... And that's sort of almost any carton of drink, isn't it? Where, you know, I've got kids, so you spend a lot of time finding the sharp end of that straw they give you to jab in. And cartons are bad enough,

but because of the angle of the design of the side of a Capri Sun packet, you can't do it without chucking it all over yourself. Yeah, they're awful and it's one of those things it's not juice it's not squash what is it that's that yes it's the sunny d category isn't it yeah what is it exactly and because i don't know what it is no i don't trust it and you're right it's not juice it's not squash it's some concoction uh in between of those liquids orange flavored chemical drink that is what it should just say on the side.

Yeah, barely orange flavoured chemical drink. That is it. It's a Capri Sun. Yeah, and warm as well on the island. Oh, God. Yeah. I can imagine as well you finding a job lot of those cut off the plane, but no straws. No straws. You just have to like grip it in your hand and suck it like an

ape with a fruit. You know, just like draining it of its nectar. Yeah, that's it. Well, that's it. So that's where you can picture me now, doing that. Smeared in peanut butter. Sitting on an angry woman's small tin. It's a perfect choice.

Okay, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Right, least favourite film. This is a very niche film, and it's a film I made as a student.

So I did a film degree and an English degree. But in film, you had to make a film, right? So it's a classic student film. Right. I mean, so it's the most pretentious, obnoxious sort of thing you can imagine. So I had, I went to film. It doesn't really have a name. It doesn't even have a title.

It probably just had some sort of pretentious number. We shot it in a topiary. So it's a bit like The Shining. Okay. And it wanted to make a horror film. Right. We shot it in a topiary, so it's a bit like The Shining, okay? And it wanted to make a horror film, right? So it was a... We moved all of this bedroom furniture outside into a topiary and set up a bedroom in a topiary.

And the plot, such as it was, was that someone went to sleep and then woke up, and it was their dream. They were in a topiary. And then on the foot of their bed, like that famousiary. And then on the foot of their bed, like that famous painting of the demon on the foot of the bed, we recreated that. So I got a mate of mine, because he didn't mind, smeared him with mud and coffee grounds,

naked he was, sitting on the end of his bed, being a hideous, you know, demonic creature while someone woke up in the bed in a topiary. And then weird things happened in the topiary and various students were moving around in a sort of arty, i consider it to be an arty way amongst these things shoot trying to shoot day for night as well so stopping the lens right down uh the aperture right down to get that sort of murky feeling um in a topiary in on a in a stately home garden that was open to the public i mean it was just but it was the most pretentious it meant nothing i mean it was i was

just copying stuff i'd seen and I liked. There were, you know, arty edits and cuts in there where I'd seen Highlander. And you know in Highlander when the camera moves between certain things, like at one minute it's in a lake. Yes. And then it goes into a lake, but then it comes out of a fish tank. Right.

And Russell McKay, the director, was using all these techniques to get between scenes. And I loved all that. So I was just doing that in a very student budget way. Yeah, yeah. And I watched it again and it's shit obviously it's shit but it's a classic student film but it's the sort of thing I go I don't I don't want to that's the worst film ever made and I made it so I sort of

think if the airline was showing that then you know because it's not only do you have a bad film that you have to watch which is your only, but it's also excruciating. It makes your skin crawl as well. It makes my skin crawl, because how could I possibly be that pretentious? I mean, I got a good mark out of it, because at the end of the day, student films are supposed to be like that.

Yeah. But watching it back now, no. Yeah, and you'd have to explain to the other inhabitants of the island what was going on and stuff like that. Well, I go, Arnie, this is still better than any of your films, with the possible exception of The Terminator. And then he'd get angry and read his book and it'd all be over.

Can you remember what it was called? It was called something like, you know, Dream Shifter, or something like that. Or, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It should have been called Topia Recall, of course. Topia Recall.

Very good. But I think it was called something like Dream Shifter, which is awful, isn't it? Terrible. But, yeah, that is the worst film ever. It does feel like it's the sort of thing you should have been doing, though. So in that respect, it sort of feels okay. Okay, and what would be your least favourite song?

Well, again, this was a toss-up between two songs. I have a bit of an aversion to song... You know there are certain songs that have the noise of a screaming horse in them? Yes. So, Crazy Horses by the Osmonds, for a start. But specifically, House of Pain, Jump Around. Okay. You know that bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cypress Hill employed it a lot as well, didn't they?

Cypress Hill. But I don't mind it in Insane in the Membran. I don't mind it there, but I really mind it in House of Pain, Jump Around. Yeah. So that really... Because it's a bit... It sounds like like nails coming down a blackboard to me. The pitch is wrong. Yeah, it's abrasive. I just go, oh, God, I hate that.

It's a screaming horse song. I just, I just can't stand it. I just cannot, cannot stand it. I just go, no, and it makes me just cringe. And the other one, so it is a toss-up. Okay. I mean, it's more specifically that bit of noise that I don't like,

but there was a song called Gypsy Woman by Crystal Waters, the one that goes... I hate that. I mean, I think that's the one. That, for me, I cannot bear it. I don't know why. I just have an absolute adverse reaction to that song, and it just makes me want to die on the inside and on the outside.

Yeah, it does sort of stay with you, doesn't it? It's kind of i think um partly because it's the the sort of the refrain that she repeats a lot it doesn't quite sound right you know it's sort of yeah it's slightly off key yeah it does oh isn't it yeah it is odd it's there's something not right about it it's lord it's something you can't quite put your finger i mean i don't like it as a song anyway but there's something deeper going on with that yeah you can't quite put your finger on that makes me just feel uneasy. It's like the song is haunted.

It's just a feeling that's wrong about it. Yeah, like it's slightly slowed down just every time she says that refrain, you know, it's like... So if that had horse noises on it, by some freak nature of this plane crash, the horse noises had landed in that song and that was playing on a loop

and they got stuck there, then I would kill myself. I always was a fan with that song as well because the whole thing is she's talking about this homeless woman in the song. She's going, and she stands there singing for money.

La-da-dee, la-da-da-da. Yeah, I wouldn't give her any money. Yeah, it's a weird thing to sing, isn't it? You'd think... Sing a proper song. Sing Streets-da. Yeah, I wouldn't give her any money. Yeah, it's a weird thing to sing, isn't it? You'd think anything better than that. Sing a proper song. Sing Streets of London. If you're homeless and you want some money, sing Streets of London.

That's what everyone does. If you go la-da-dee, la-da-da when I'm coming down that tube escalator and you want some money, I'm giving you nothing. You're just more likely to think they've got some health problems, aren't you? You've got health problems

and because of that song that you're going la-da-dee, la-da-da, so I know I'm going to kick you in front of a train. That's the feeling it gives me. And it's one of those songs that started off as a kind of pop song but then kind of became a sort of house classic. So it's played more than other sort of more disposable songs of that oeuvre would be.

You know, it kind of pops up in mixes and things, in bars and stuff. When I was at uni, it was well known that I couldn't bear that song. And so during an exam I had to do in the main exam hall, and where my friends had already finished their exams and were getting pissed outside, in the quad or wherever, makes it sound, I didn't go to Oxford, basically on some grass. They knew I was in that room doing my exam,

fine, they're in the last one, right? So they just put it on outside. Oh. So I could hear it drifting. Imagine that. Drifting through the window. So that plus the exam stress. They did that on purpose.

That's the kind of friends I've got. Oh, now you'll be haunted by it forever on the island. Unbelievable. And it's repetitive enough that even when you're not listening to it on the island, it will get stuck in your head forever. Yeah, absolutely. Good choice. Good choice.

Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Now, this sounds like an obvious choice, right? I imagine many people have chosen this. It's spiders. Okay. So I do have an issue with spiders. I don't like spiders.

I have arachnophobia of spiders. I've got better with it as I've got older and as I've had kids because like Daddy Pig in Peppa Pig, you can't show fear of spiders in front of your children who would then become scared of spiders which you don't want, right?

But it all stemmed probably as an amateur psychologist. I think when I remember one very early age when my mum and dad had gone out so I think my nana was babysitting and it was thunder and lightning outside and there was a gap in the curtains and the lightning outside

was lighting up the bedroom as it does and I turned over and there was a spider on the wall next to my face I mean the perfect scene for childhood and because my parents were out and it's a very early memory of they're not there. Oh, yeah. I think that generally think that's what did it.

Yeah. In that scenario, the two results of that scenario is either, one, you get arachnophobia, or two, you're in some kind of 80s horror film where the lightning strikes, and then the next day you are a spider. Yeah, exactly. Or you're Spider-Man.

In that moment. And he woke up and was a spider. So, exactly. Or you're Spider-Man. In that moment. And he woke up and was a spider. So I've always had a bit of an issue with spiders, and that's stayed with me. And I thought I hated all spiders. But that turned out not to be true. I don't mind tarantulas, big tarantulas. Okay.

Because they're slow. Yeah, and they sort of have a purpose. Yeah, they plod, they're slow. It's the speed of the scuttling ones in your house that I call. Now, annoyingly, of course, the big scuttling ones in your house are the ones in your house. Tarantulas don't tend to be in your house. So I can happily hold a tarantula.

I don't mind that. The worst... Well, when I lived in a student house that seemed to be overrun with these things, and it was a big, high-ceiling Victorian house, I bought an air gun in order to take out the spiders in the corner of the room because I couldn't reach them.

I didn't want to reach them. I didn't want to go near them. I'm not the sort of person who could get something and get them in a couple. I have to smash them to bits. I'm not. I know that's not, you know, the anti-spider lobby will be all over me for that. But I'm sorry, it's me or the spider and the spider's going to lose.

So I air gunned a lot of them and just blew them to pieces. But no air gun on the island. You just have to keep running around. No, I just have to keep running. But I went to Costa Rica, again, for a travel thing, and I accidentally told my guide, it was just me and him, in a jungle, in a rainforest, that I didn't like spiders.

And he was like, no, no, I'll cure you of that. And I'm like, no, mate, I don't want anything to do with your cure. He goes, no, no, no, trust me, I'll fix that arachnophobia because this place is, it's a rainforest. And I'm like yeah I don't really

and we're in just a cabin you know and I'm like I don't want to you know with nets around and beds I don't want to get involved and he said

no no at night let's go so we went out into the rainforest and he's like right point the we had a torch point that at the floor

for a start because if you lift that torch and point it in front of you every insect the size of a cat will just fly into your face because because it will fly to the light point it at the floor you, every insect the size of a cat will just fly into your face because it'll fly to the light. Point it at the floor.

That's your first tip. Right. Great. And there are some big old insects. Yeah, I can imagine. So, first of all, they've got orb-weaving spiders, the ones that do the big webs over the pathway. You know, you see them.

Great big, they sit in the centre of it, and they're big, not like a tarantula, they're big, spindly-legged. Yeah, they're the freaky ones, aren't they? Freaky. Sort of thin. Yes. Big thorax.

Is it thorax? Yes, evil but spindly, spiky legs. They look shiny. Yes. They're the bastards, right. So I don't like them. Anyway, of course, they're everywhere, right? So he's going, it won't hurt you.

And I go, it won't hurt me, I just don't want to go near it. Anyway, he's sticking his hand in the web. This thing's running on hurt you. And I go, no, it won't hurt me. I just don't want to go near it. Anyway, he's sticking his hand in the web. This thing's running on his hand. And I'm like nearly dying of fear. I don't want this. And now get me out of here. So that's why I would never go on that programme. I could not do that.

So he's doing that. And he's like, it's fine, they're okay. And then he, his next trick was to say, right, turn the, turn your torch off. We walked on a bit. And then he said trick was to say, right, turn your torch off. We walked on a bit. Torch off. And then he said, right, just stand here, just in the jungle. He said, now, do for a moment, put your torch in front of you,

and then just turn around in a circle and tell me what you see. All right? And just glittering things, like stars, everywhere, everywhere. Just glitter all around me. And I'm like, wow. And he went, spider's eyes. He said, you're surrounded by them. You know, this is, you are just, every time that reflects back at like wow and he went spider's eyes he said you're surrounded by them you know

this is every time that reflects back at you that is a spider's eyes yeah and there were thousands and I'm like you evil man and then

and this was the crowning glory his moment of going I'll kill you with this there was a great big one not a tarantula but I mean it was like the size of a dinner plate

a cliched spider but not a furry one, but just a big, again, legged spider. And it was on the side of a tree, and he said, look, come and look at this, it's fascinating. And I'm like getting nowhere near it, and he puts his hand out, and he's

just pointing at it, you know, just saying, look, it's fine, it won't do anything, it's just going to sit there docile. And then, it jumped on him. And I, he shit himself. I have never seen a man jump so much as he did, because he wasn't expecting that. And he said, and it jumped, wrapped itself round his arm, like alien, like the facehugger in Alien, round his arm, right?

He jumped a mile, it jumped back off, and landed on another tree over here, right? And he was, like, shaking, and I was like, what the fuck? And he went, right, I've never known them do that before. In fact, they don't do that. He said, but what it did, he said, he thought I was food or a predator, jumped on me to attack, realised I wasn't food or whatever. Oh, it's fine then, just let him jump on you.

And just jumped back off again. And I'm like, right, you said you were going to help me with spider fear. I'm now far more frightened of spiders and remain so than ever. It was horrific. I've never been scared of spiders but my palms are sweating since you started telling that story that's horrendous and even he as the the guide of 25 years experience in this rainforest went no no never seen that before wow oh that's horrific absolutely so that's so spiders it's feel it's when there's a sense of them getting smarter, I think, doesn't help. Yeah.

I mean, like I said, I've never been scared of spiders, but over the summer last year, there was this huge spider I kept seeing in my living room, and then I'd get up and it would run away, and it was fast, and it would run off, and I thought, OK, and then I'd see it come out again. And most spiders, they're just doing their own thing, they're not really aware of you until you sort of trap them under a glass

or pick them up somehow. Yeah. This spider is huge, biggest spider I've seen in this country. It saw me coming and it ran backwards where it had come from. No way. So it came out from under a chair and it saw me and went, oh, hang on, and it went back and I suddenly went, I think I'm scared of spiders now. Oh my god.

It's like they've got intelligence. God. And that gave me pause for thought. What happened? Is it still there? Probably. I haven't seen it. I don't know, it's probably got a degree by now because it's getting smarter like that. God. And that gave me pause for thought. Well, what happened? Is it still there? Probably. I haven't seen it. I don't know, it's probably got a degree by now because it's getting smarter like that.

God. But I've never seen a spider do a double take and just go, what? No. And that was chilling. No, no, no, no, no. You know when you can't tell any of your family, you know, your wife comes in,

you're like, you okay? You're like, yeah, yeah, just thinking about Brexit or something. You can't, because you don't want to spin them out that there's things in their house. Yeah, there's something, a spider the size of a cat coming after you. Wow. No, no, no. Well, John, I think you have given excellent answers,

and if anything, you've left me with more than I came in here with, which is arachnophobia, so you've done your job very, very well. Whatever the term for fear of peanut butter is. Yeah. Where can we hear and see more of you? Well, I don't know whether we mentioned, I do podcasts. I mean, I don't know whether you've heard of podcasts. Oh, do you do podcasts?

I do podcasts. I like getting picked these days. Yeah, a he-him podcaster. Sure. So I do a podcast called The The One Show Show, among many, doing many other things. But the idea behind that is because there are a lot of podcasts that analyse

TV programmes you know but worthy ones like Game of Thrones or The West Wing or whatever and people analyse each episode in exquisite detail so my thought was what's a programme that least deserves that amount of analysis or indeed any analysis and the answer is The One Show so we do The One Show Show where we take apart

a week's worth of The One Show, but forensically. And again, idea that I had in a pub, wake up the next morning and think, well, that'll never work. Turns out it does. Turns out there's plenty of material in The One Show. Amazing.

So we do that. So The The One Show Show is what you need to look at. Brilliant. And the other thing is a programme called The Skewer, which is a series we've just done for Radio 4, which is quite hard to describe if you haven't heard it. It's a satirical river of sound. So the idea is that it's a soundscape of stuff from the news

and what's going on, all set to a weird soundtrack. It's really trippy. It's really sort of late night, do-your-head-in stuff. Someone described it as like that feeling when you're dropping off to sleep and you step off a curb and you go a bit weird. Yeah. It's an audio version of that.

So it's like, it's a sound, it's a soundscape, but it's satirical. So it's got jokes, but it's also quite dark and deep and... I really recommend it.

I gave it a listen. Did you give it a listen? Yeah, I really enjoyed it. So it's on BBC Sounds now. I think it remains there forever. Series 2 is coming at the end of the summer.

But BBC Sounds, the skewer. Brilliant. John, thank you very much for coming in. Very welcome. Thank you for having me. Cheers. .