Desert Island Dicks - JOSH JONES

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Josh Jones is a comedian. That means he's funny. And thats why he makes a great guest on this podcast, where he tells us all about the people and things he'd hate to be stuck on an island with. So don't just stand there reading this, listen to it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today I'm joined by comedian Josh Jones. And if you're not familiar with his work already, he's well worth looking up because he's very good at his job in that he's bloody funny. This episode was recorded a few weeks ago before the second lockdown started, but I'm not really sure that makes that much difference. I mean, for me, everything has blurred into itself so much these days,

I can't really remember what happened when. But if you're feeling similarly lost and vague, then it might just distract you for a bit. And that's surely worth something these days, right? If you enjoyed the show, then please subscribe, and then you'll get every episode downloaded automatically to your phone or listening device, including our companion podcast, Compact Dicks, where you, the listener,

get to tell us your worst people and things. And while you're doing that, you can even leave us a review and a rating. That would be lovely. All right, I think that's everything. So here's Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Josh Jones. How are you doing hello i'm good are you yeah not bad thank you not bad i mean it's pissing down and we're facing further lockdown but i mean you know that's what we all thought would happen so are you in london yeah i'm in london yeah well because i'm in manchester and it's not

raining here so that must be the first time it's not raining here well you're welcome first win for us nice cool so uh we're about to go through the worst people and things in your mind to be stuck within a desert island how did you find the process of choosing him um quite difficult because i remember years ago i made like a pact to be less bitchy and try and be nice to people so i try not to have like negative thoughts obviously you still do and then um with like food and stuff i've i couldn't think of anything like i really dislike i've got quite an accepting palate so i don't know i found it quite hard but i've got them i've got my people good okay lovely well I mean it might just be I mean as you say you're a positive person maybe this is just a little sort of safety valve of like a

controlled release of of anger yeah and then you'll be all right for the next 10 years or so well it was quite nice because I was like who do I really not like and then I was like and then I kind of got into it it's like yeah that guy's a fucking dick i'm not gonna because i was gonna like obviously most of it was like politicians or whatever so i'm trying to stay away from that and try and do like less obvious more random ones okay lovely well let's dive straight in tell us who's going to join you on the island who's going to be your first dick right the first one is jason derulo okay jason derulo nice i'm standing i really don't like him at all fair enough what is it about him in particular right so he dances he's a talented he can sing and dance but he dances in every music video

and it's like we get it you can dance so even if it's like a ballad he'll be doing like break dancing sort of moves it's like what you're doing you dickhead it doesn't go with the song and he pulls his top up at every opportunity just showing his like six pack and he just really fancies himself and i honestly hate him and i don't understand why people like like him i was thinking today like who are his fans does he actually have like a massive fan base and is the 11th most listened to person on spotify this month wow that's huge like so it's nearly 50 million um views every month on spotify that's insane there's so many i can't i can't get over that that means there's like 50 million people with just terrible taste yeah yeah yeah that's uh oh man there's the showing the six-pack

thing has always bothered me and it's just like a staple kind of r&b move isn't it it's almost like oh i'm feeling this song so much i've just got to like grab my top and pull it up and like i know that like in the whole genre no one's scared of showing a bit of flesh in r&b but at least i suppose if you're a woman you can wear something low cut or high cut or whatever with a bloke to actually just pull it up it just seems a bit you know just take your top off or something yeah i'll have one of those sequins where it's like a video but it is like rain so the your top sticks to you make it look like it was a vague accident even though you had to call the water truck in to make it rain well um no the way he does it i just it's just i find it really

cringy it's like i don't know it feels like very christian sort of like and it's like a very lot like happy children friendly chris brown do you know chris brown like obviously what he did to Rihanna was terrible but I thought his music was actually alright and I thought him himself was very attractive and he was a good dancer and he was really talented and it feels like you've got Jason Derulo

who's just kind of copied it but done it in a very cheesy carny way and he really fancies himself Someone once showed me a thing on YouTube of a five-minute edit of just him singing his own name repeatedly. He just does it in every single appearance ever.

Every song starts with Jason Derulo because his sound is unoriginal. He has to tell everyone who's singing every time he opens his fucking mouth. That's such a weird thing to do, though, isn't it? He really is the biggest narcissist because like every music video he's just like dancing and then like pulling his top up but in in the slow parts and i hate him specifically because you know um little mix they have a song called the Secret Love Song. And the song, like the lyrics, it's kind of like, it's about not being able to go out in public with the person that you're

with. And it's supposed to be written about like a secret gay relationship. So like a person in a relationship with someone who's closeted and that's what they've said the song about but they put jason derulo on a verse and he started singing about a girl and then the his bit was about having an affair and he's like you can't compare having an affair to a gay relationship what a dickhead so easy on it but he'd actually be, obviously there's politicians and stuff. But apart from that, I think he'd be the worst person for me to be in a room with, well, be on your island with. Well, I think that having anyone sort of that squeaky clean in R&B,

they're not going to pull their weight because they're going to be annoyed about breaking a nail or like getting their outfit dirty or something. I just can't imagine them getting stuck in and grafting. Well,phing yeah he's just gonna be on the beach looking at his reflection in the sea yeah yeah that little mix thing as well it just feels like they kind of said right here's the idea of the song we've got this nice concept for a song and he was like i've got a verse about cheating on someone and they're like yeah jason that's not really a thing we're paying you all this money and he's gone well do you want it or not because i've i've got it i mean someone else wrote it but i mean you know and it's just it feels so lazy as well yeah it doesn't fit into the song and

it's a ballad and he's dancing in it again so he's like it's like a really a ballad with quite a powerful message and he's there like doing flips and stuff it's like what you go who would let this idiot on set he's he's insane i hate him fair enough well i know very little about him but from your description i'm on your side i mean it sounds unbearable and i just i just think it's going to be like yeah just vanity and narcissism and it's like the last thing you want when you're trying to get along and make the best out of a situation yeah and i just i'm just shocked how many people the 11th most listened to person this month i can't believe that i mean there's like the beatles are on spotify and stuff it's like queen yeah everything fleetwood mac yeah that's bizarre

oh man that's the state of our world today isn't it okay well who's going to be joining him with you right so the second person is is actually completely different reason it's because i love them so much that if they don't like meet my expectations i wouldn't be able to handle it okay okay and the second person is julia roberts right okay but i'm such a big fan and i think she's the most gorgeous creature that's ever lived i think she's absolutely stunning um so i wouldn't even be able to look her in the eyes without just crying every day. So, yeah, I'm just obsessed with her. I imagine for you to love her that much as well,

it must be quite upsetting to see her in that situation, even though you should really be upset for all of you collectively. Yeah, seeing her without a makeup team and seeing her without, you know, she's not got PR to tell her what to say she could be a bitch but from in interviews she's really good at her so I like I don't know again just seeing her like with mud on her face it'd be really sad it'd be hard to watch I don't think I'd be able to get through it yeah yeah I mean because it's weird isn't it like someone like jason derulo would be quite um i don't know quite enjoyable seeing him with mud on his face you know when he's so squeaky clean the rest of the time but i sort of get what you mean there's a purity to

julia roberts yeah well that's a good thing i didn't really think about that having jason derulo on the positive of have been stuck on the island with him is actually watching him suffer that would be good yeah i wouldn't want that um with julia roberts and i'd be scared that julia and jason got on and i wouldn't really fit in with them yeah i think i mean you know i'm going to be careful with what i say because i don't want to um upset you you know, obviously you're very fond of her, so I don't want to say anything mean. But I would imagine that even if she's very nice, having lived that sort of Hollywood lifestyle for a while, I imagine she has like very specific dietary requirements. And if you're like her biggest fan and you're trying to keep her alive,

but with very specific instructions, it's going to be quite demanding for you. And it's going to be quite a hard position to be in i think she's really down to earth i do she has chickens she has chickens okay so like obviously she's just i think she's very normal i don't know i like this yeah this is the thing this is why i wouldn't want to be on an island with her because of what you said. I don't know anything. I've just imagined her to be the most polite, best person that's ever lived. And that smile.

Oh, God. Every time she smiled at me, I'd just break down. She has the best smile ever. And me and my dad never argue, but the only time we've ever had an argument in the last couple of years is when he said when i said that julia roberts was the most attractive woman that's ever lived and he says she's not that fit and i absolutely lost my rag i was like are you fucking crazy she's got the best jawline ever and then he was like that's not really what straight men are looking for but i i just think a jaw is is insane you could cut wood with it it's so sharp

like the sexiest woman have you ever seen mystic pizza i haven't no no so it's earlier julia roberts when she's working in a pizza shop what an actual film. You couldn't really write a better film to be honest. And like in that she's just stunning. Do you know what I'm quite enjoying? Like I do a lot of these and sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the negativity. I think what am I putting out into the world?

It's quite nice to have like a bit of just like real positivity on here for a change i know that we can't do that all the time because you know the the premise of the show but i'm finding this is quite nice you know when we're recording it's the end of a day and i'm feeling quite good now about your love for julia roberts it's making me quite happy do you have a favorite julia roberts film um do you know what? I suppose, I think see, I don't like Richard Curtis films, but I do think that Notting Hill is quite good.

I quite like that. What a classic. So I suppose I'd go for that one. I'm really bad at watching films. I haven't seen most films. I'm terrible for some reason. So I probably haven't seen many of her films but I'd say that's I think she and she is very likable you know yeah she's really good when you've like

if it's a Sunday and you've got like you just can't be asked doing anything and you just want films and not like this is what I like about none of the films that she in you really have to think about they're all quite like you, you know, easy script. They just make you feel good. And you go through an IMDb page, and then, yeah, just pick about four films, and you'll just feel good all day. I think the thing with you and your relationship to her, though,

like, obviously you're stuck on the island. You've got time to talk about everything, so you might as well, you know, you're going to get to know each other really well but you'd still have this barrier of like well i mean you've got nothing else to do but ask you about yourself and find out but you'd still have this like awkward like oh i've got sort of i could almost ask you anything i've ever wanted to but also i need to be respectful of your boundaries and i mean that would just it'd be such a difficult position yeah it'd be i wouldn't i really wouldn't know what to say to her

because, do you know the actress Saran Jones? Hang on, let me look her up. You tell me about her. Right, so she's probably one of Britain's greatest actresses, to be honest. She's from Manchester. She went to my college. It just agreed, Starrs at Oldham College. But she was in coronation street

and then she was in a like an itv cop drama where it's two female detectives like set in manchester called scott and baylor it's my game of thrones it's the best thing i've ever seen and she's in that i remember years ago um for a couple of weeks i was working as do you know one of those charity muggers in the street who signed to the charity and when you do that you just get told to fuck off like all the time so you're just kind of like dead behind the eyes and i turned around just randomly to start speaking to the next person and it was saran jones and she was stood there with a selfridges bag and I just froze in the street. I like froze, looked at me and just went, and then just walked off.

And I was still just stood there, froze. And then I'd like just left. I just left work. And then when the Arndale sent her into the toilets and I cried in a cubicle for about 15 minutes. That was just Sir Anne Jones. So if I met Julia Roberts, I wouldn't be able to take it. Oh, man, I feel, I mean, you know, I don't relish the prospect of any of our guests

being stuck in an island with a bunch of people they hate. But I mean, this is almost worse now, picturing you with Julia Roberts, you know, like I really feel for you there. Yeah, just add fumble. It'd be too, it'd almost worse now picturing you with Julia Roberts. You know, like I really feel for you there. Yeah, just add Fumble. It'd be worse than Jason in many ways. Yeah, yeah, definitely. And then I suppose, yeah, if they started getting on, you know, you'd feel bad.

And like if they didn't get on, you'd feel sort of protective of her and kind of even more resentful towards Jason Derulo. So, yeah, you can't win. No, I wouldn't. It's honestly, it's a nightmare. Okay, who's going to be your third choice then? So the third choice is, again, someone I love, but it's my brother, Sam. Okay.

He would be one of the worst people to be stuck on the island with because he's five years older than me and he thinks he can do everything that I can do. But he actually can't do anything nearly as good as me. But he gets, like, really competitive about, well, everything. And, yeah, so I'll be trying to, like, make, like, I don't know, what do you make when you're stuck on an island, like, a bed or whatever, and he'll turn it into a competition.

And I'm 27 and he's 32, and even now when I see him, he starts, like, Thai wrestling, but he'll be anywhere, like, in town or anything, and he'll start, like, jumping about and, like, goes back to being kids every time. And he, like, commentates, oh, Sam's jumping off the ropes. Oh, you just stood on my couch, you dickhead. Like, get down. I feel like whenever we're together, it goes back to being kids.

And everything is completely, like, really, really competitive. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's, i think if you're going to be in a situation where you're with two people you don't know that well one you hate one you adore the worst thing would be to sort of yeah just have that brought out of you it's like the horrible thing about family is they're just they have that you know i get it with my mum you know i'm 38 and i'm still find myself going oh mom like shut up know, and it's never going to go away. I could be 50 and be the same, you know.

It's like the least flattering version of yourself as well to put in front of other people as well, I think, isn't it? Yeah, and he would really just embarrass me in front of Julia Roberts and I wouldn't be able to have that. But it'd be, he's just so competitive like so now i do stand-up comedy he hates it because he's like i want to be a comedian there's like oh i could be a comedian he literally thinks he can do everything i can but i'm surprised he's not just gone out started sucking dick just to say he does it better than me he's so competitive that

every task on the island would would just be 10 times worse because i'd have him in my like air going one two three go and everything would be a race yeah i wouldn't i know we're stranded but you you still want to enjoy the island yeah you've got to make the best of it, I think. And do you, so, I mean, obviously he's very competitive, you said, but do you then rise to it as well? Do you find it difficult not to sort of rise to his challenge? No, because I know the things that he gets competitive about. I know I'm better than him, so I don't need to, like, lower myself.

Because he hates that I, like I'm like the cook of the family. And my grandma taught me how to bake my own pies when I was about nine. So I've been making my own shortcrust pastry for years. He can't cook for shit, but he's still like, because he's saying about me going to his for Christmas day. And he was like, oh, I'll cook it. And I said, well, no, it makes sense if I do.

And he's like, no, I'm a better cook now. He's not. But he can't do anything. And as well, he's dysprastic. So that won't be helpful because he's got no balance. He's failed his driving test nine times and then just gave up. The driving instructor said turn right at the roundabout and he did into income like into

traffic so he'd just be the worst person i mean it's a lot of fun when we're getting pissed he's the one i want to sit with yeah right you do have fun but it'd be too competitive yeah i mean because it's not like when you're blowing off steam in the pub and stuff that's a different thing but you're not going to have that in the on the island you know it's only going to be the sort of survival things and and i think as well when you're bored on the island there's going to be lots of things where you just go let's see who can do that the best you know there's lots of opportunities for competitiveness so yeah jason derulo will get really competitive yeah i can imagine that brother's never had a dance lesson but as soon as he's seen Jason Derulo dance

he'll be like I can dance better than you he's just delusional well maybe it'll evolve to be that he can go off with Jason and you can have a bit of time with Julia Roberts I mean that would be quite good but I mean given the nature of the island I can't imagine it's going to go

that way because it is a shitty place to spend time so who knows okay well they're your people you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one, across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. Paul, now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Right. With my food, I don't know if you're going to let me have this or if I'm gonna have something else because it's like a genre it's a type of food okay so it's literally anything cooked in a slow cooker okay yeah right i can't stand slow cookers i hate them and because my mum like when

i was at my mum's house when i was younger, everything was made in the slow cooker. So we never had a solid meal. So I hate, like, it just made me hate stews and stuff like that because everything was slow cookered. And they don't make any sense, slow cookers, because they say people have it, so they're like, oh, it saves time. And it's like, well, it doesn't. You just wake up half an hour earlier to prepare

your food before work so you're actually losing sleep yeah because you are still doing the prep and yeah so it doesn't make you are still sort of cooking it yeah yeah it doesn't really make any sense i've got so like there was a time i think what about 10 years ago there's a real thing of everyone getting slow cook as i seem to remember and we got one obviously and it's in the cupboard now obviously never used um but i remember once thinking like just before i went to bed i was like oh i'm really skint i don't want to buy lunch i'll make some food but we don't have anything just easy to make you know can even make a sandwich and i was like right i'll make a slow cooked stew overnight then i can wake up in the morning take it to work

i'm a fucking genius but it was really unsettling because i'd wake up in the night and i could smell like dinner cooking and it's yeah it throws your body clock off you're like i shouldn't smell this now do you know what i mean like this is sleepy time and then to wake up in the middle of the night and it smells like your dinner's about ready is it's really like disconcerting and i think it really put me off it for a long time yeah honestly that's the smell of my childhood every meal my mum made was a slow cooker meal that's why like now i love cooking because we won't cook for shit so now i just like love like actual food yeah yeah i think the thing is with them as well like normally if you're making a stew

you know in real time like you're tasting it as you go and checking on it whereas with a slow cooker like by the time you taste it like well i haven't had time to tweak it or do anything and catch it in time so it's always a bit shitter than it would be if you just made a stew yeah you're literally just throwing stuff into a bucket and leaving it for eight hours that's all you're doing it's just ridiculous yeah yeah and i suppose on the island as well it's like they lend themselves well i'm sure there'll be people out there goes oh no you can make all sorts of stuff in a slow cooker but it lends itself to kind of like hearty stews and soups and things like that doesn't it so like yeah that's the last thing you want to be dealing with in an island i think yeah i don't want yeah and as well because when i think of it i just think

of everything was like casserole uh yes stews and i'm guessing it's a hot island yeah it's just got the potential to just become so school dinnersy you know it's like everything's soft everything's a bit you know the meat can go stringy and it's just it's not really what you want to be doing on an island i mean if anything on an island being able to cook something would be a bit of a distraction for a while but you know just having that thing bubbling away for ages it's not even that satisfying yeah and as well like people have it so they can go to work and stuff in the day and just leave it but if you're on an island you you want to cook so you've just got something to do yeah and and also knowing that

the only way you can cook things is to take eight hours over it like if when you're hungry like if you finally yeah if you found some animal that you could kill and eat and then you knew that you had to wait eight hours to actually eat it i mean that's going to be really frustrating yeah definitely and what would you wash that down with um so the worst drink for me is a lambrina okay because i used to drink it a lot when i was a kid and when i used to drink on the streets and there was one time when um i just threw up so much i was about 14 and i got carried home and i got grounded because of it and my nickname off my mum for ages was the lambrini kid um i was just like it was the most drunk i've ever been like drinking behind the shops

and ever since then it just knocks me sick but um i remember when i was drinking it being sick in a bucket and then do you remember the drag queen dame edna yeah she like she was on tv and i was like while i was like in and out of consciousness could just see this drag queen with like lavender hair i was like what the word weirdest memory so i see dame edna uh lambrini i just i just feel a bit nauseous yeah fair enough i think it's that certain that period of drinking when you're discovering drinking and you're just like like the most pissed you can ever possibly be it's like a new kind of pissed you will never get to that level ever again as an adult my mates couldn't pick me up but they dragged me like down the street while i was covered in vomit

oh man i've got this theory about like alcohol this thing about the size of the bottles alcohol comes in and you can tell the quality of something by that you know like lambrini bottles they're a bit too big yeah yeah like my grandmother used to drink but drink sherry out of these massive bottles and i was like if it comes in a bottle that big it's not good sherry do you know what i mean yeah as well at you know when i went you know people was drinking casino which was like a cheap version of lambrina wow poor man's lambrini yeah so it so it's like Lambrini was cheap, but Cassini was like really cheap. I remember we'd drink it,

like pre-drinking people would drink it. And I could drink that, but not Lambrini. It probably tastes the same, but it was more just like the actual, I don't know, just getting flashbacks of Lambrini. But when people drank cassini it left um like a mark around the mouth because i think it had like a copper lid it was just so awful but it was so cheap so we drink a full bottle of that or like everyone would drink

like because it's so weird when you go uni i went back to what it was like drinking on the streets when you're like 13 and you drink dead cheap and then go out yeah yeah i remember um when i was young being on like there used to be these adverts on the buses for lambrini and it was a picture of a man with a kind of crooked christmas hat on and he had like lipstick all over his face and it just said mary's had a little lambrini and it's like all you can say about your drink is it gets women pissed quickly like that's all you've got there's no like not even like a whiff of pretending there's any quality about it it's just and also let's be honest no one over the age of 18 drinks lambrina i don't think so no it's just like it is a it is a drink that's made for childhood drinking yeah it's sort of like

crap cider it's sort of like if you don't like this then there's this you know like before like loads of alka pops came along it was like right what's the least disgusting way of getting alcohol inside me as a 14 year old you know and that's that's where it's going right what's the least disgusting way of getting alcohol inside me as a 14 year old you know and that's that's where it's going and there's no one in a vineyard kind of going oh this this year's harvest is delightful the lambrena will be the best ever what a vintage yeah if i walked in my mum's house and i opened the fridge and saw a bottle of lambrena i would like run to my mum and be like what why are you having a breakdown like what's happened no 60 year old woman should be drinking this shit like you've worked all your

life you paid some dues treat yourself to something better than fucking lambrina but we used to put like ribena in it to try and make it taste cocktail yeah and they i think they did do like a flavored one for a little while yeah is it one of those things like baby sham where it's not like because baby sham is actually like pear cider isn't it it's perry it's not even like it looks like wine but it's not even wine i feel like lamborini might not actually be wine yeah i think it's just cat piss i don't i don't know what it yeah it's because it's it's fizzy lambreini and very very sticky it's like this like too sticky like it's like more sticky than something like coke it's i don't know how you made it so sticky yeah and it's it's

basically because like you were saying like the bottle being so big because it's so wide as well must be like a liter and a half and that's like a liter or at least a liter but you wouldn't have if someone said you want a liter of wine we used to drink lambrena we drink it dead quick and we used to do this pathetic thing as well where we would hold the bottle and then spin around while we was drinking oh yeah saying oh it gets you drunk quicker it doesn't it just makes you dizzy yeah and it's like if you're that age and drinking a whole bottle of lambrena it's like you don't need to get drunk quicker you're already getting drunk too quickly like yeah you've got to that point like if anything pull it back some you know yeah fair enough fair enough okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? I feel like the film's going to get me in trouble. Okay. It really is my worst film.

Mary Poppins. Right, okay, yeah. I can't stand it. I think it's the biggest pile of horse shit I've ever seen. I have strong feelings about it, but I've never liked it, even as a kid. Right, okay. So, you know earlier I told you how I'd barely seen any films?

I haven't seen Mary Poppins. And then people would go, oh, you'd probably really like it. I'm 38, what am I haven't seen Mary Poppins and then people will go oh you'd probably really like it was like I'm 38 like what am I gonna get out like the only thing I'd get out of it is if I had seen it and there was a vague sense of nostalgia so I've seen bits of it and I know the sort of like the vague outline but what is it about it particularly that pisses you off well when I was a kid I remember like see I was quite a clever kid because even um when i was young i figured out this country's class system and i would look at the two kids in that and be

like you spoil posh little cunts like i hated them because he was moaning about like oh the dad's working all the time like the dad's working i never saw my dad and we wasn't rich you're like your dad's working all the time but your house is massive who cares if your dad's working all the time look at all the toys you've got like what more do you want you spoiled little brats and they're walking around like massive house in london filthy rich the kids are just always complaining then they get this nanny using magic and they still manage to complain he's like can you not be pleased you're just the worst kids ever I fucking hate that film I think that makes total sense like you've got an

actual magic nanny and you're still yeah but I've hated it since i was young i've never liked it but i sort of i don't know i just it feels like so kind of saccharine and like wholesome it just it feels a bit sort of i mean like i said i've only seen bits of it but it's just something quite cringy about it you know it's yeah and as well as well like my parents well this is quite bad but like my mum didn't like really have any parental guidance on the film i was watching i could watch whatever i wanted really so i was watching like horror films quite young and like my favorite tv show when i was a kid was bad girls. That came out when I was eight. And I rewatched it recently thinking, and I figured out,

oh, I've started watching this when I was eight years old. And the first like episode, because it's in a women's prison, is like this woman sucking off a guard for some drugs. And it's like, my mum let me watch that. It's completely fine and um yeah so i feel like a lot of childhood like kids films it just wasn't really for me because i was watching i was watching sucking dick for drugs yeah i guess mary poppins can't really compete with that can she yeah but uh maybe maybe that was the uh the spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

Maybe that was code. That's why it was fire. Maybe because they've done a reboot with Emily Blunt. Yeah. That one could be a bit racier. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, did the world need another version of a film

that most people love and other people are indifferent about? It seems a bit odd. It's just another money-making Disney thing, isn't it? I also have a thing where I think, you know, having a small child, as I do, I'm really wary of any film with too many annoying songs in it because they get stuck in your head and you're going gonna get that on the

island you know be walking around one day jason derulo is like i don't recognize that song and he's doing like mary poppin songs in a jason derulo style jason derulo doing covers of julie andrews that's what's gonna happen i tell myself there and then because like it's it's like really bad for a gay person to say this but i I'm not the biggest Julie Andrews fan. I hate the sound of music. I hate that. I like Princess Diaries. That's a classic.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's fair enough, and I just think you want some escapism, but that's not the right kind of escapism for you on the island, is it? You don't want to have this saccharine, sweet kind of... There's lots of moral tones to it, don't want to sort of be have this sort of saccharine sweet kind of there's lots of moral tones to it aren't there but you know how to behave and it's just not what you really want to kick back to on the on the island when everything is shit around you no it'd be awful okay and what would your song be um do you remember the um blackhead peace song where it's gonna tonight's gonna be yeah good yeah god i think that is the

worst sound i've ever heard like in the world it's horrible and as well i feel like every time i've heard it i've had a bad night it just makes me angry yeah it's like because you've got that first little bit where it goes bam bam bam bam bam and you're like oh god and it's yeah if if that's playing i know i'm in the wrong place you know yeah it's like if you go to a club and they ask you like what you know they look at your shoes and you're like okay i don't want to come in anyway fuck this you know i mean it's like a a nice signal right from the beginning that this isn't for me i should just go and and as well like them saying tonight's gonna be a good night it's like them basically having to tell you like this is going to be a good night

this is a good song they're like trying to really push the fact that you are enjoying yourself it's just like oh go away i don't know like i liked the Black Eyed Peas. Do you remember when they did that, Where Is The Love? Right. But then, yeah, when they got later on, all the songs just came. They just sounded too robotic and, like, produced, if you know what I mean. Yeah. I think that song, though, as well, it's kind of got to that point where it's just around forever now.

Like, it will still be used in montages and and like and it's got to the point now where you could be at like i don't know a diamond wedding anniversary in a village hall somewhere or a church hall and that will play in like older kind of aunties and people will like it you know i mean it's that weird cross but if that was playing at your wedding you deserve like a really harsh divorce that's a terrible song yeah yeah i just it just annoys me that it's it's kind of reached the point where it's there forever now it's like you know sometimes songs you kind of think well they're annoying for a while and then they go away but that song is never going away now and at some point it'll be rediscovered by another generation and it will stay around for even longer oh i hope not like when when i think of songs from like my mum's generation

like and i and i love it i hope in 20 years like kids aren't playing um that i can't remember is it called tonight it's gonna be a good night i don't even know. I don't know. Has it got a feeling? I got a feeling? Oh, I got a feeling. If I've got a feeling, he's played in 20 years at a 2000s night and the 90s night. That's just depressing.

Yeah. It's the sort of thing I associate it with. I'm sure it's probably happened a couple of times. Like, being in a cab, too pissed and, like, really just trying to hold it together until you get home. So you have to make them pull over. And they've always, it's always when they've got really loud music on. And, like, it's that kind of song. And you're like, oh, just stop spinning. Let me fucking get home. And they're like, tonight's going to be a good night. And you're like, fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off fuck off black eyed peas it's very like slug and lettuce music it reminds me of when i was hanging

about with people that i didn't know they wasn't the right people i should be hanging about with like before i found like my friends and like found the interest that i liked and i just used to go to a slug and lettuce and then stand around like around a load of dickhead lads being like and then that's in the background yeah yeah because for a song that's like meant to be about all the good times it's very easy to imagine it over a montage of like people being sick and fighting and girls crying in the background like you could really use it of like all the shit things of a night out it fits perfectly for those you know because it's just been everywhere and you've seen all those things happen whilst it's

been playing yeah it'd be like tonight's gonna be a good night and it's just a video of a girl taking out her hoop earrings and putting her hair in a bun because she's going to kick a guy's head in that's why reminds me of very very enduring image i like it i think someone should do a re-edit of it you know make a video with all those sort of things happening then i'd quite enjoy it i think i'd probably still have to mute it a little way in though but you know that would be actual torture to me like instead of like if i got captured by someone i don't know like isis i don't know why they what they do with me i've got no information but if he was trying to like get information out of me instead of like chopping limbs off or whatever they just need to play that song and i'll give them i'll give up my grandma for that i'll give them every bit of information

i know that i'll run out just so i don't have to listen to that whole song fair enough i think yeah i just think it's something because it's got that little intro that just tells you it's coming tells you the onslaught is coming you know so every time you just hear it like jason's put it on on the other side of the island and you just have that little those few bars and you're like oh fuck you know just like was it the jazz things like okay fair enough now um finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why snakes snakes yes i'm terrified of them. Absolutely petrified. Well, I don't mind snakes,

but I also recognise how weird and scary they are, you know? They don't look like they're from this planet. Like, there's no sense when they move. I just, like, seeing a snake move is the worst. It just sends shivers down my spine yeah i saw one once in the wild and i always thought when i was young i used to be really fascinated by them and i always thought it'd be nice to see them but like it was on this path in front of me and it looks like because they have to move like in such a long kind of windy motion you're like you can't get out the

way properly because you're like i have no fucking idea which way you're like you can't get out the way properly because you're like i have no fucking idea which way you're going they don't go in a straight line and then suddenly i was like really scared of it because i was like i have even if it comes towards me i try and jump over it i'm probably going to end up landing on it because it's yeah you can't see what's going on how big was it i think it was about four foot it was quite i mean it was that that's just horrendous it's just and it was fast you know and you just think i like and like what are the rules can you climb trees can you go in the water like how do i escape this thing yeah they can climb trees and some of them can swim there's no way

oh if they if they want you they'll just get you when i was a i went on holiday with a friend years ago and like in the, do you know, like in the hotel when they have like shows in the bar thing. One night they had a reptile man and I said, fuck that, I'm going to go to the outside bar and drink on my own for an hour and a bit while yous watch the show. So they was all watching the show and i was drinking at the outside bar which was actually quite good because they did slush machines so i was having vodka slushes which was refreshing um and my friend came out and was like oh the show's done come back in so then when i went back in i sat down but then the lights went back off and the man came back on stage and what happened is the guy had gone is anyone here scared of snakes and my friend goes i've got a friend called josh who's outside he's terrified so they made a plan to pretend that the show was

done no i came back in thinking all the show's, the reptile man's packing up. And then because of peer pressure, got brought on stage and he put a snake on my shoulders and I was crying. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was really crying and then screaming as well in front of loads of Spanish people who were absolutely pissing themselves i've done comedy for a couple of years i've never seen an audience laugh like that like they were holding the stomachs laughing while i was just like screaming like actually terrified and then it made me stop screaming because he was like you're gonna scare the snake so then i just went dead silent but i was just like tears were just

running down my face it was oh my god wow wow i mean i'm surprised you didn't put your friend who chose you to go on stage with the snake put him on the island i mean that's that's cruel yeah and it was awful it was quite do you know what though like i'm glad he did it like now i'm like i've had a snake on my shoulder so i don't feel as scared of them yeah but that doesn't help i mean that's so cruel i mean because you know there's that thing of like aversion therapy and like oh you know if you sort of face your fears then and i think maybe sometimes that works in like a very controlled environment over time but the idea that you're suddenly just going all these things are fine you know like i hate maggots but if i sat in a bath of maggots i'm not going to feel better about them it's like that's too much too quickly you know and as well

i was quite drunk because i was drinking waiting for them i was drinking on my own at a place that dog does vodka slushies and i'm a child who loves slushies so vodka slushies and it was all inclusive so i was just getting flattered on my own so by the time i went in there i was already a bit of a mess like the whole situation was just not right but yeah feel for you on that that's i mean i snakes, and that still just seems like a horrible environment to be in. Disgusting. Yeah, and you're never going to know where they are on the island. They could just sort of...

They're hard to see, you know. It's not like a big bear or something. You're like, there's the fucking bear. Let's run, you know. Yeah, and they don't really make... Like, they're not loud. No, no. So they really can just be sneaky.

And as well, well like each different like there's so many different types of snake that they all can kill you in different ways yeah and none of them are nice and that quick are they i mean like some of them will kill you very quickly but a lot of them will just bite you and you'll die very slowly in a really horrible way and they're gonna know that we're there because every five seconds jason will be shouting jason derulo yeah that makes a lot of sense uh well josh i think you've you've done really well in picking a horrendous bunch of people and things for your your desert island and your your arguments were very sound so uh so well done mate now um where can people hear and see more from you at the minute? Well, not much, really. Doing the odd gig, but I don't know.

Everything might get closed down again. Who knows? But I'm on Twitter and Instagram and stuff. And then I have a podcast called Dead Drama, where it's just me bitching about history. Because it's about dead people in history so it's a gossip program but about historical figures nice one um yeah that's called dead drama but apart from that nothing really just trying to gig well i'm sure on the strength of your performance today everyone will be searching you out so hopefully that's that's

something and can come up this situation but josh thank you very much for joining us today mate thanks for having me no worries pleasure see you later bye