Desert Island Dicks - JOSH WELLER

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

Comedian Josh Weller joins Dan to talk all about which people and things he finds to be the biggest dicks, and they have a lovely time. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks, standing in my kitchen to tell you all about this episode, which features comedian Josh Weller.

Sorry, a moped went past, but I'm not re-recording this bit. So, you know, traffic happens, doesn't it? Anyway, we rambled a lot and we talked for ages about awful things and people, which I suppose is the point of this podcast. So I'm not really sure why I'm explaining that part. But if you're enjoying this podcast, then please do subscribe or give us a rating. And hey, why not follow us on Twitter and Instagram at Dickspod. All the cool kids are doing it these days.

And you'll get to see pictures that we put up with little clips of guests. And sometimes we might even tweet something we thought of independently of this podcast. So you should do it. It's great. Right, I'm tired because it's late and that's what happens to me being a human person. So I'm going now, but I will leave you with Desert Island Dicks with Josh Weller. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Josh Weller. How are you doing? Very good. How are you? Yeah, I'm fine, thank you. How have you been throughout this? I mean, I'm so used to starting this podcast by saying, how have you been throughout this lockdown? And now it's really out of date because we're kind of, in some ways, back to normal. Yeah.

Yeah, the virus, we did it. We cured it. Yeah. Everyone was like, okay, six weeks, that's enough now. Yeah, exactly. And it's all kind of just just everyone's just relentlessly going back to normal aren't they yeah yeah i went to the pub for the first time in well months the other day and it was spent the first 20 minutes going oh god is this all right should i be touching the

table and then i had like two beers and just went oh my god i've been missing out on this why haven't i come back earlier i'm such an idiot look at these nice people having a great time you're a much braver man than me i just can't bring what like it's it's getting to a point now where um i haven't done literally haven't really even been in shops i snapped my achilles um the day after lockdown oh man so couldn't walk for three months and um and i think because as a result of that i'm sort of like a little timid creature that's been inside like a bunker and and it's really freaking me out going into these places but everyone's doing it and no one seems to be getting really ill it's i i just have no idea what's going on anymore at all but um yeah i don't know i i think what what made me go to the

pub was i was like but if i don't do it now and there's a second wave then then i won't have been to the pub in ages which is kind of the wrong way of thinking about things um anyway but we're here and we're well and we're ready to slag off some dicks today so So, Josh, how did you find the process of whittling down your choices for the island? I think, as you'll see, the people I had a lot of fun with, the songs I found impossible because there are so many awful things. Animals, relatively easy.

Movie took a lot of time, yeah. Okay. And the food and drink as well but was the food was um i just think that i always have questions with these with with like the desert island thing is like how do you survive a plane crash for one what kind of plane is it and when i when when i'm the only survivor must have been quite a small airplane yeah i mean normally i go for the sort of i mean given it's got an in-flight entertainment system and food on board i kind of sort of imagine the general sort of uh the type you'd go on holiday on i don't know the names 737 and all that you know one of those kind of things um but i mean let's just say it only had structural rigidity around your compartment and you happen to be

sitting next to the all the worst things in your world and i'm sat next to the emergency exit seat as well yeah yeah so you're straight off on that big yellow slide all right okay well it seems quite selfish of me that i would be the only person to like look at the drawer yeah but the thought of me kicking the door open inflating the raft and then severing the raft before anyone else could possibly get into it i don't know if i'm brave enough to do that i mean we could always imagine it was sort of a big shard of debris or something like that you know like shrapnel kind of just as you unfolded the big yellow raft it was sliced off behind you loads of people just shaking their fists as you sailed off to this crappy desert island with a few select bad things all right yeah let's do that let's do that instead

okay well let's dive straight in who's going to be your first choice uh my first person is um front man entrepreneur um television celebrity um um, and technology, uh, guru, uh, will I am from the black eyed peas. Good. Okay.

He's my, he's my number one. Like I went, when it was three people, that was the top of the list. I didn't even have to, there was no question whether or not he would be in there or not. And what is it about him particularly?

I mean, he's, he's a very divisive person anyway, isn't he? But what is it about him particularly? I mean, he's a very divisive person anyway, isn't he? But what is it particularly that grinds your gears? I think, I don't know why I find it so annoying that he put two full stops in his name. That for me, because his name's William.

Yeah. And then at some point, I think, I have a thing with anyone who gives themselves a nickname. You know, and I feel like he he one day was looking at his like school book, William, and he was like, oh, my God, that also spells will I am. And I feel like if someone had stopped him at that point and gone, mate, that shit, it probably would have saved us a lot of his musical output as well. But he probably was next to someone who went, oh, mate, that's genius because it spells will i am and you am will so it works perfectly i think you have to be given a nickname for it to work and i think he absolutely did that himself it's like sting as well you know yeah you know there was just a moment in like 1976

when they went to the pub and he went oh no it's not gordon anymore guys you all have to call me sting and everyone went fuck off gordon yeah and then he refused to answer even if it was his mom and it's like it's not gordon anymore mom yeah someone would have gone gordon do you want a pint just nothing gordon gordon oh for fuck's sake sting i'll have a glass of water like it's just something oh yeah um and then also with will i am it's like he wrote a song called let's get retarded and thought that was fine yeah and then he also had um uh what's it called i've got a feeling which i think is just one of the most like whenever you hear that song you know you're

not going to have a good night i know yeah if i'm somewhere that's playing that i really want to be somewhere else i'm usually dressed in a way i don't like because there was a some kind of policy of entry and yeah i'm not having a good time it's like a it's a classic uh wedding song isn't it yeah i guess so it is now i suppose yeah but it's i mean it's it's but it's it's not fun it's not romantic it's just how could you have it at a wedding it's terrible isn't it i mean if you if the people getting married were children then it would probably be okay to for them to choose that but i mean if the people getting married were children i mean there's a whole load of other issues we need to work through before we get to the dj so you know it's like there's something about i've got a feeling that tonight's going to be it's so hopeful that song is so

optimistic that firstly the process and like that he was in the back of a taxi and he went i've got a feeling tonight's going to be a good night and he had the fucking audacity to write that down in his notebook and go yeah that's that's definitely that's going on the record right there yeah i wrote that will i am wrote that and then he added that it's like there's something about the only time my main memory of when i hear that song is it's either at a wedding or it's like it's like you're walking through leicester square and there's someone pissing in a phone box yes that's that's when you hear that song yeah you never hear it when you're having a good time

no it's yeah it's like if you turn up to a bar or you go somewhere on holiday and you rock up and they're playing that just a bit too loudly to a bar with slightly too few people in it you're like oh why didn't i look for longer this this isn't right i should have gone somewhere else it's the song that would be playing at the cafe when you're on a holiday with a girlfriend that you don't want to be on the holiday with with her family yeah that's that's what that song And for that, for him creating that moment alone, he needs to die. Yeah, it's awful. I'm with you with the nickname thing as well, because I feel like I mean, a lot of rappers have nicknames or even band names. A lot of them sort of the more you think about them, the worse they are. But I mean, especially with a lot of rappers names, it's like I think a lot of rappers start particularly start particularly young you know so a lot of them are famous by the time they're sort of 20 or

something so they haven't really sort of like i was thinking earlier like buster rhymes is a stupid name you know it's like yeah well i know that you do bust rhymes but it's kind of do you know what i mean it's like it's very clever when you were 14 and you came up with it and then you became famous and no one considers it anymore and will i am is exactly that kind of thing isn't it but it's it's not coolio coolio yeah yeah coolio there's lots of them that sort of start off like krs1 you kind of think oh that's fine because that's just some letters and a number and that's fine and then someone told me it stands for knowledge reigns supreme over nearly everyone and you think this is this is a terrible idea krs1 i don't mind you know the the the the

neutral ones like jay-z kanye west yeah to me they're just they're completely fine because they don't really mean anything they don't have any connotations yeah exactly it's when it's when your name says how good you are that's one thing but will i am's name doesn't even denote or connote talent his name just says his fucking name yeah will his name oh my god i can't stand him and he wears fucking ponchos he's he's the archetype of someone that no one has said no to for 25 years and he comes up with these fucking stupid inventions every three... He's like, oh, it's a Polaroid camera that's also a picnic basket. And you're like, just...

Yeah, I don't like him. I met him once. Oh, really? Yeah, I met him once. My mate was in a thing that he did. I don't know what he did. He was just there. And somehow I ended up...

He just talked at me for 45 minutes about how Apple are going to save the world. Oh, no, they're not. They can't even make a charger that fits more than one laptop. And then he said, he went, oh, what was the thing he said? Oh, he was talking about online identity and how our personalities will be downloaded online and we'll live forever, right?

Which is like proper first year. Like there's an episode of Star Trek that's 30 years old that discusses that. And he was telling me about it like he was the first person to ever think it. And then he said, he went, it's not going to be identity anymore. It's going to be idatity.

Oh God. Like idatity. And I've never, because when you're in those situations, because it's will.i.am, you just go, yeah, great. Well, I'm going to go and stand over there by the quiche. And I just had to sit there for 45 minutes

and he kept talking about how he made a... No one asked him, by the way. He just went, I made a comic book with Hans Zimmer. It just came out of his mouth. It was like... And then he just told me all about a comic book that he did with hans zimmer so wait so you someone who's not a writer or a graphic novelist wrote a comic book with another person who isn't a writer or graphic novelist so that's probably going to be shit i

think what's really missing from comic books is a score yeah yeah exactly so wait hand so what do i have to like start the tape while i'm listening so i have to start reading it and then han zimmer i don't know yeah that's it but that i'm glad you told me that because that feels exactly what i'd expect from him that thing about you know just no one's told him no for too long and it's that sort of kan. Kanye West is more talented, so you can get away with it. It feels like Will.i.am. It's like, hey, I look great tonight, right? It's like, your glasses are made of Lego.

Is that... No one else is... OK, no, it's fine. Yeah, Will, William, you look great. You look great. Did I... I'm not going to say anything about the Lego glasses. Seriously. He's got...

Yeah, he's got classic... I used to be in a band and we used to call it Frontman-itis, which is where you sit in a room and you write songs about yourself and then you go and record songs about yourself and then you go gig songs about yourself and then you answer interviews where they ask you about songs about yourself and you're uncomfortable talking about anything other than yourself. And he just seems like yeah and and his his fashion sense his also he and i know selling out now isn't really a thing

it doesn't really exist anymore because no one's had any money in the entertainment industry for a long time so now it's not really a bad thing if you do a coke advert or a pizza advert like everyone has to hustle and make money whichever ways they can but black eyed peas were like a credible hip-hop group yeah yeah they were they did the warp tour they were like they were they were a punk rock um appreciated by punk rockers like skate punks and the hip-hop circuit and it was like when i was a kid growing up and you'd see a black eyed pea song on a skate video it was like there was there was some deep cuts there was some good songs there and then they got and then they were like you know what we want to make some money let's let's get a chick and write where is the love yeah and it was just all so obviously like it was just all so geared

towards making money that's the thing i kind I kind of think if you sell out, but you're sort of vaguely aware of it or seem to be vaguely aware of it, it's like, it's okay. We were getting on a bit. Everyone loves this tune. We made a load more like it. But he's kind of gone the other way

where it's like he's sold out and also thinks he's like Michelangelo. You know, it's the wrong way around. At least kind of go, yeah, but you know, I guess the kids dancing. They love it. They love that song about having a good night. You know, fair play to them, you know.

And I've got 19 houses now. Well, it must be so weird for, you know, like if you're Paul Simon and you go to bed and you go, oh, my God, how am I going to top that output? Like every song must be a nightmare. Every song. But Paul Simon, Tom Waits, Randy Newman, all these people who've written these wonderful songs, they're still churning out records. And they're not always great, but they're always searching for how they can top themselves

or at least push themselves forward artistically. Will.i.am, his output is nil. And his biggest song is about going out yeah oh i'm poor fergie as well poor fergie that poor girl just like having to stand like she she doesn't really have much of an input on any of the songs other than like let's get it started and also i love i love the thought of will i am in the studio going, OK, we're going to cut you in here. And she's like, OK, what's the song called?

Let's get it started. And he's like, no, no, no, no, we changed it. We changed it. We're going with the original idea. So can you go, let's get retarded in here and then just ad lib over it. Can you do that, Fergie? Are you sure this is OK? I mean, right now it might be on the cusp.

I'm pretty sure in a few years' time the way things are going is, yeah, OK, well, Trump's about to get in.' time the way things are going is, yeah, okay. Well, Trump's about to get in, so yeah, maybe. All right, yeah, whatever. Let's go with it. And then they called the album Ella Funk. Oh, yeah. It's so bad, isn't it?

It's kind of like, I mean, it's not far off the sort of music my son will listen to on YouTube when he's three. And, you know, there's a lot of bad nursery rhymes out out there but it's not that much worse than a lot of the stuff i think that will i am's coming up with i mean imagine the stuff that doesn't get put on the album because there are tunes that don't make it you know unless he's so lazy that he's just like no no no i've done six these are all going on you know do you think that he is he still even making music i have no idea he probably sees himself as some kind of tech guru now so he's yeah he's just trying to he that's and that's the worst like he's just trying to figure out how to fucking go into space or so they all want to go into space they all think at some point that they

that going into space is going to fix everything for them. I don't mind if they all go into space. Like, if we can all stay here. You know, if that's what happens, then I'm up for it. You know? Yeah, fair enough. Might be a good solution. Yeah, so good choice. Okay, so who's going to join Will.i.am on the island then?

My second one, I imagine he's come up a few times, is Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise, yes, yes. uh my second one i imagine he's come up a few times as tom cruise tom cruise yes yes yeah i imagine he's is he in the is he is he quite high on the list um he's he's definitely popped up a couple of times i wouldn't i don't know how high again i always come back to this i keep meaning to make a massive list so i can give you exact uh statistics but it's never happened yet yeah but i'd love to hear your reasoning for Tom Cruise going well with you. I think, in all honesty,

I think that I feel cheated by Tom Cruise. Because I used to really like him. When I was a kid and I remember watching, what's that film in the courtroom? You Can't Handle the Truth. A few good men.

Yeah. Great movie movie and he made like he made um he made films you know he did like rain man which is i mean retrospectively an absolutely horrific plot for a film about a guy who kidnaps his disabled brother and holds him ransom and then takes him gambling and uses his autism to pay off his own car debt well i mean we've all done it but yeah i wouldn't make a film about it and uh i feel cheated by him because i really was i really bought into tom cruise i loved when i was uh you know 11 years old and my parents would go to bed and I could watch Eyes Wide Shut secretly. It was it was it was amazing. And then he did that Magnolia and he made all these great films.

Jerry Maguire is pretty good. Even Vanilla Sky. Bad rep. Not a terrible film. And he made like pretty decent films. And I just feel cheated by him because he just churns out this action movie flannel wank now. He pumps in like 200 mil a year into a movie, into his own production company

to fund his own weird alien religion. Yeah, yeah. And I feel like the way it makes me feel that he made all those great movies and now it was all for this all for him to make this crap now i it feels to me like when someone spends 45 minutes talking to a party and then they ask you for some cocaine and then you realize oh you don't want to talk to me. The only reason that you have been chatting to me the whole evening is because you think I've got beak on me.

And that's how I feel. That's why I absolutely loathe him. I'm hurt by Tom Cruise. I feel like with Tom Cruise, he's one of those people, like, we all know he does his own stunts, and that seems to be, like, all you can say about him these days. Like, have you seen he does his own stunts. And that seems to be, like, everything... All you can say about him these days. Like, have you seen the new Mission Impossible film?

No, not interested. But he does all his own stunts. No, I know he does all his own stunts. Yeah, but there's this one where he hangs off a... I don't care if it's a real man doing it in real life or it's someone in front of a green screen at this point. If the main marketing strategy for your film is that someone broke their ankle yeah you can pretty much guarantee it's not going to have a great storyline

yeah exactly and i've seen i've seen all of those films none of them there's no storyline in any of the film the the actual storyline of the last mission impossible film is oh my god the russians have plutonium that's that's the whole and they because they film the films before they have the script as well right you know that so they get they get this they get the stunts yeah and they're like wouldn't it be cool if tom cruise jumped out of an airplane with james corden whatever it was and then and then they go okay well let's do that and later on we'll figure out how it works in the story right i mean i'm no expert on these things that seems the wrong way around doesn't it

i don't want to tell hollywood how to do its job i was always told story first that was always the way but you know what i just thought fuck actually it's actually jump out of an airplane first yeah story second maybe something will come to him on the way down. I don't know. There's something about him as well that like, I feel like if I were on a desert island with him, he would assume leadership because he does those stunts. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? He'd be like, oh, I'm pretty sure if we climb up this coconut tree, we'll be able to swing over onto that cliff edge. And then I'll be able to scour. And you're like, all right, mate, go ahead and do it. And then he climbs up the tree and just breaks his neck within five minutes. Yeah. Or he'd insist on climbing the tree, even though there's a ladder or something.

You're like, Tom, Tom, we don't need you. Yeah, yeah. But I've done it loads of times. Like in Mission Impossible 18, I did climatry so I can do this. There's no need. And then he breaks himself. Will.i.am's no help because he's trying to make an iPhone out of a coconut husk or something like that. Busy showing you, look, look, look, it's just like the real thing.

Yeah, I just I think he would absolutely take over. And I think some he obviously is very powerful within the industry and within scientology and what i find was really weird about him is you can never even hear anyone tell you what they think of him so like people have worked with him they go oh what's tom cruise like and they always go yeah really nice but you know there's a barrier they don't give you any yes an nda the barrier is an nda yeah exactly there must be an agreement in there that he's you have to sign with him and all you can say is he's really nice and then you can just feel people's like people getting a bit nervous as they get asked about

tom cruise it's all really weird he's got this he's like he reminds me of uh well he's like an automaton that's learnt human emotions. Definitely, yeah. You know, when he laughs, it gives me shivers. It's like a horror movie. And then he has this... He just has this blank personality that is like... Is he a good actor anymore? Yeah, I don't know.

It's just one of those people that you just see Tom Cruise, don't you on then tom cruise did this i bet no one knows the name of his character in any films apart from days of thunder because it was cold trickle and that was just silly but you know mcguire you just go yeah and then tom cruise jumps off the plane and then he jumps onto a building and then tom cruise gets in a car you don't know who he is do you think it's mission Impossible 7 anyone's favourite film? I'd love to meet someone that was. If you're on a date and you're like, what's your favourite film?

Oh, Mission Impossible 7. It's when they really got into their stride by then. I'm trying to think of like... I like that Tom Cruise film that's like Groundhog Day with guns. He made that one recently. You know that one where it's like he just keeps dying over and over and over again?

I'm happy to watch him die a lot of times on on the film i mean that's fine i want the stunts that go wrong outtake real but yeah just i i it's it's the fact that i feel like like i was saying that he would he would he would assume because he's had this rich history of no one ever saying no to him, that he would assume that he's the boss on the island. Not that I would want to be the boss, but I think that he'd be the guy that would be like, oh, we can eat these berries and then you all die. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know? It's like, sure, I know what I'm talking about. We had these on set once. It's like, no, you didn't. You just had a runner that was really pressured and bought you some weird berries and you think they're the same thing and they're just not oh tom stop it yeah those were cheetos tom those were cheetos and also i mean he's gonna get will i am converted to scientology like that isn't he because so so quickly well will i am will be there he'll be using the last

seven percent of his battery to try and do a fucking instagram yeah aliens wow that sounds cool yeah that's dope that's dope yeah i'm gonna build a spaceship oh man they turn the whole this is i'm building a rod for my back here it's gonna be an island of scientology isn't it wait till you hear the third guy because he converts so quickly okay well let's find out who's joining them then who's the third uh I for my third I have um uh I don't survival um expert Bear Grylls yes now he's popped up quite a lot over the years actually yeah because because I and I'm sure it's the same answer as everyone else same reason is that i i think i'd rather die than have him tell me what to do like i think i'd rather or i'd at least try i'd rather

figure it out on my own because and again it goes back to that thing i was saying about anyone who gives themselves a nickname like no one has given themselves a nickname more than a man who chooses to call himself Bear. Yeah. Like, there's no way his family came up with that. That was him. Yeah, and we've all just sort of got used to it now, haven't we? We've just forgot he's called Bear. Yeah.

I mean, Ben Grylls would probably be... He's probably called Ben, isn't he? But, yeah, he's got away with it. And there's that thing of being famous and people just forget to sort of pay attention to what's happening, will i am and bear grills like what the fuck's going on where are your names this is silly his real name is edward edward see doesn't even rhyme with bear he just was eight years old and he and he and he lit up uh one of those little burner gas fires and then he said call me bear and then he roared and everyone lit up uh one of those little burner gas fires and then he said call me bear and then he roared and everyone went you know what let's not hang out with him anymore

it's funny isn't it because he's basically a scout uh like a cub scout isn't he but he's like that's what happens if you never leave the scouts you know i mean because it's fun when we are young and you go and play like hide and seek and have fires and maybe go dry ski sloping, that kind of thing. But yeah, if you never leave and you become the ultimate scoutmaster, then that's what you get. Yeah, he's got all the badges, hasn't he? He's got every single badge.

And he's got his mum to sew all of them on. He doesn't even need to sew them onto a shirt because there's so many. The he sewed them all. He got his mum to sew all of them on. Yeah. He doesn't even need to sew them onto a shirt because there's so many. The shirt is just the patches. There's an episode of his show. I can't remember what it's called. Surviving Bear Grylls, whatever it's called. And have you seen the one with Obama?

No, I think I've heard about it, but I just couldn't bring myself to watch it. It's really interesting because obviously, like, you can't just take the president of the free world out into the woods so everything was orchestrated so it was like oh here's a salmon on a rock and the salmon's already been like boned and skinned and they're like you could and he's like we can eat this it's basically sashimi they eat sashimi off of a rock next to a lake. But there's this amazing bit where Bear Grylls says to Obama, he's like, you know, I just would really love to pray with you right now. Wow. And the whole thing is obviously scripted. Everything's obviously been pre-approved.

But even in that moment, even as Barack Obama being the PR expert and the fantastic actor that he is, even Obama has a bit of a look on his face that's like, motherfucker, what? Yeah. I encourage everyone to YouTube it. It's ridiculous. Oh, man. I really have this urge to pray with you on camera now

so that there's a really nice clip that we can use. I've got this real urge to make a clip that might go viral. Yeah, and it's such a conceited effort to tap into the kind of american market as well with with what he does also like you know we're all interested in barack obama you know and what's he like as a real person but if i mean no one needs to know how to survive on their own less than a president of the united states it's like how how do you think you'd get out of this situation well i'll call one of the 17 bodyguards who's like,

who've got more SAS training than you do, Bear. And, you know, they'll have probably survived with me. You know, I think I'll be all right, Bear. Do you think that, what do you think the distance is in footage when the president showers from the nearest protective person? God, I don't know. I can't be far. I think there has to be someone outside the door all person god i don't know i can't be far i think like there has to be someone outside the door all the time doesn't there god that's mad isn't it oh yeah but even now he must have round the clock like all those pictures of him on that wakeboard

after he left you know that there's someone wakeboarding right next to him yeah he's being held up underneath the water. He's on a Secret Service man's back. He's just balancing on the board, but he's being pulled along by Chet. Also, if you're the president's bodyguard, right, and then when it goes from Obama to Trump, do the bodyguards stay on or do they go with Obama? I'm not sure because, I mean mean it must be paid for by the state

so you think that but maybe you'd have some say in it i mean like trump probably doesn't want anyone who isn't white with him yeah but then you'd think if you had like a good eight years in office and you got to know these nice men who would you know take a bullet for you you'd probably want to keep him on wouldn't you i don't want to give this one to Trump. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Do you think Bear Grylls has his own personal security guard? I'd like to think so, just because... He must do. He must do. I'm sure he doesn't need it. I just think he'd like it because it adds to a sense of self-importance.

He's also the face of the alpha wing of the Christian church as well. Yeah, are they the adverts you see on the underground that are sort of saying we can give you answers and it looks like it's just a course on philosophy but actually it's about christianity it's it's it's them it's the and it says a lot about the christian church that they're like okay who do we who can we get that's cool and hip that kids love to be the face of our campaign that also believes what we believe. And they were like, Oh, obviously bear grills.

And it's like alpha, alpha courses. Like, um, it's like the, the wrapping wing of the, of like when they're like, Hey,

if you like God and you like praying, then you know what we all are saying. And it's like, it's just that, it's just that really shit, um, youth thing where they're like, Oh no, well, God obviously loves zip youth thing where they're like, oh, no.

Well, God obviously loves zip wiring as well. And so they've got Bear Grylls to come along. And he comes and gives a talk every year about how fucking how Christ has protected him while he's on his little snow excursions. I hate him so much. Again, also, it's quite a weird thing. Like Jesus, as an example, if you're a survival expert, seems weird because Jesus can just basically conjure up what he wants. You know, it's like there's all the loaves and fishes.

There's the water into wine. He's not sort of eating maggots and drinking his own piss. So, you know what I mean? If I was Bear Grylls, I'd probably, you know, you're desperately hungry on an island somewhere and you're doing your best to survive and eat all these weird things.'re like where's my skills to like turn water into wine just be annoying wouldn't it he's um this i look if i was on i would get him to make me some rope and i would hang myself with it yeah that's what i like bear grills tom cruise and will i am they put on they put on a musical

production very quickly yeah absolutely to pass the time yeah of greece definitely and there's such you you pick such alpha males i mean there'd be such a nightmare to live with just will will i am inventing things that don't work. Tom Cruise sort of being really encouraging to him when he really shouldn't because it's just egging him on. And then also just being annoying Tom Cruise. And then Bear Grylls just really drilling home how important morale is on this island and making you sing songs,

even though you're not really into it. Oh, Josh, you can play the guitar. That's great. Here, why don't we sing some songs? I just want to be on my own right now. I mean's going to be terrible i think that they're both i think all three of them are like faux alpha males i think that they're all you know will i am is you know he's a sort of tech you know and and tech kind of guru musician that i don't think he's particularly alpha i think tom cruise pretends to be alpha i

think bear grills his whole image is alpha but it's kind of you know he got in trouble for his survival show or he got busted because he was staying in like a five-star hotel and was making out that he was i i think that the three of them would crack very quickly it would become lord of the fliesies very, very quickly. And I think as well, particularly with Will.i.am and Tom Cruise, when they don't have their entourage around them and you've got to be their therapist as well, there's going to be so much you've got to get into.

It's just going to be painful. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, well, there are three very strong choices. Thank you. I'm going to move us away from people now and see if it's a bit more cathartic you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run

a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? My least favourite food is nachos. Nachos, okay.

I was thinking about these the other day and uh how how disappointing they always are yeah just such a there are very few concepts as good as where the result is as bad as because it's it's like nacho whatever and also the it's like nachos tortillas doritos they don't they don't really have a name they've got like everyone calls them a different thing and then they're warmed up which sounds amazing with cheese melted cheese amazing chili amazing sour cream great guac amazing five amazing things yeah that just don't work separately it's like the opposite of the spice girls it's like that just five delicious elements that you'd think would come together and create this delicious meal and it's absolutely it's always disappointing and also the first nacho you basically get all the cheese it just sticks to

the top three soggy nachos and then you have to spoon up the uh the jalapeno which is impossible with a soggy nacho and then you just you just end up eating just dry and it's also how did it become a cinema food yeah can i have something really noisy with lots of different elements that are going to spill everywhere it's i mean cinema food in general is pretty bad yeah it's like it's all um the opposite of like it's it's very loud food all cinema food is really loud which i find infuriating yeah it should just be like marshmallows served in a pillowcase or something so there's no rustling all it does is just a soft cushiony softness when you get within an inch of the bottom of the cup someone should come and take it off you yeah the cup is made of memory foam so even like even stuffing your

fingers in doesn't make any noise just only soft candies as well nothing with a hard shell like popcorn is that's insane that it's uh that it's a cinema food yeah picking up popcorn is loud yeah um but yeah nachos also nachos to me are it's it's one of those weird things there's a seinfeld episode kind of about it where um it requires more than one dip really to eat a nacho successfully so as soon as you're sharing nachos with people, it's kind of quite unhygienic as well because people will often double dip in the sour cream or in the guacamole.

Guacamole, quite an overrated dip. Not the worst dip, but it's just a little little bit it's very hard to get guacamole right and the people at the odeon cinema are never going to get it right yeah it's one of those weird foods that like just looks like when you look at nachos does this make sense you see the shit that you're gonna have three hours later yeah i think it's a really good choice it's like i remember watching beavis and butthead when i was about 11 or 12 and they were eating nachos which i think didn't really exist in the country at the time you know and the first time i saw them was on it was at a cinema and i thought oh man like that must be that's that's what beavis and butthead eat all the time i don't

know why that was a ringing endorsement but but when I was 12, that was like, yes, I want to have that cool American thing that I don't really understand. I've got them like, these are hot crisps. Like, why have you given me hot crisps? This is like, they're not crisp. They're just like hot potato triangles now. And they're sort of floppy and like, what is this?

Is this a pancake pancake is it a crisp what the fuck it's also the cardinal rule of putting anything like dry in a microwave cardinal sin sorry it's like it's it's always going to come out soggy oh yeah i don't know they just they just look like diarrhea you know like you know that when you eat those nachos you're going to have one of those two-minute warning shits. You know, where your whole stomach just fills up and you go, OK, this is happening in two minutes wherever I am. Yeah. I know it's my wedding day.

I'm about to say the vow, but I've got bigger fish to fry here. Yeah, but you know what? Shame on you for eating nachos on your wedding day. Just pop to the Odeon quickly before just to calm my nerves. OK, well, yeah, I think that's a really good choice because they're one of those things. It seems quite sort of innocuous, but I just think, yeah, they're really overrated. I think that they are shit you're but you're you're absolutely right it's it's the it's the it's it's like a 14 year old um kind of wet dream of ingredients and of food and like it's also um you're not allowed

to eat crisps when you're at home when you're a kid but suddenly when you go to a restaurant you can get it as a starter yeah that you're getting crisps so all of a sudden that there's like a freedom in that when you there's like a rebellious freedom to it when you're getting crisps. So all of a sudden, there's like a freedom in that. There's like a rebellious freedom to it when you're kids. And also, when you're a kid, I think actually, if you're a child eating nachos, it's kind of okay. But I think if you're a grown-up, it's not. I think, no, jump off a cliff.

No, I agree. I think it's one of those things from America that, like in the 90s, felt exciting but you know we saw through tab clear we saw past mountain dew i don't really know like we kind of got those went whoa it's from america oh this is underwhelming but nachos stuck and i don't think they should so it's dr pepper's it did why did dr pepper get a pass yeah i don't really understand that i don't know i think that's still can we still get you can still get dr pepper right i think so yeah yeah i don't really understand that i don't know i think that's still can we still get you can still get dr pepper right i think so yeah yeah i think it's just one of those things for like the contrary

kids who are like oh actually uh everyone likes this but i actually quite like the thing that everyone hates because i'm mysterious i would i was completely duped by mountain dew i was i was obsessed with mountain dew i felt so cool drinking Mountain Dew. Once a year we'd go to the ice skating rink on a school trip and it was the best day in the world because I'd get to have a slush puppy. Yeah. I'd get to eat nachos.

And then I'd get to try and sit next to amelia carmen on the bus home and then we then i'd have a mountain dew on the bus ride home which would always make me have um diarrhea as well that's one of those drinks that when it first came over i remember trying it and someone going is it nice what's it like and i just sort of went uh green that's all there was like there's no it's like when you're a child and you admit to yourself there is no flavor but the flavoring and that's made up by someone in a lab so it has no name it's just green but coca-cola gets away with it i know what's the flavor of coca-cola the flavor of coca-cola is coca-cola yeah and i think the same with like red bull they just put any old shit together. It worked.

People realised that it was useful, like coffee. And then now if you launch an energy drink, you've got to try and make it taste similar to a thing that tastes like nothing and shouldn't really taste like anything. But they did it, so that's the benchmark, and now everything's got to taste like this disgusting thing. And if you make one that's nice, people won't drink it. They have to drink the one that's like cough mixture. I find Red Bull energy drinks are, they are fascinating.

They're fascinating because it's like, they're made by like people that used to work at NASA. And then like Red Bull is, I'm astounded that they have, they have like a massive Formula One team. Yeah. And no one bats an eyelid that it's like Mercedes, Ferrari, Renault, and then just pop. Yeah.

Yeah, it's really weird, isn't it? And everything's really at odds with it. Everything they do is like, extreme sports, be the best, be the fastest. And then they have those really twee, sort of pencil-drawn adverts where Red Bull gives you wings and they're like little cartoons and it's really at odds with all the rest of their marketing. They must, like there's no way that that drink is good for you. No, no, no, it's like eight coffees, isn't it?

And the can size as well, it's really misleading. Europe, one of the things that's really different is you couldn't get that size can in america that we get here so here you get like a can is sort of what half a pint of red bull i guess so yeah i think the smallest one i've ever seen in america is like a pint and then it goes all the way up to like a 40. So you can get like a liter of Red Bull and drink it in your big cup holder and put it in your big cup holder and drive in your big car on a big road at a very fast speed after four pints, whatever it is of Red Bull. And then and monster energy and the way they attach themselves as well to like emo music or screaming aggressive like double bass drum pedal punk rock and and then jumping out of airplanes i just find that it's just so funny yeah yeah yeah it's very bizarre well i tell you what i mean um even though that wasn't your

initial choice i think we can stick some red bull on the on the island with you as well i don't know if they i don't know if they carry it on planes because it seems like a really bad idea to give Red Bull to people on planes. Unless you're about to jump out of the sucker, right? Yeah, or if it runs out of fuel, I'm pretty sure you could just pour Red Bull in and it would do pretty much the exact same thing.

Yeah, well, a fine choice. Hang on, you know what? I've actually just thought, that wasn't your drink choice, was it? No, it wasn't. We've just gone on a massive meander. Okay, well, I'm going to give you Red Bull anyway. What was your drink choice?

So I'm being particularly rambly today. My drink choice was Jägermeister. Jäger. Well, that's sort of Red Bull-ish, isn't it? I mean, they go together. It's like, yeah, it's Red Bull's Drunk Uncle is what Jägermeister is. There's just something about it. Again, it's the same thing.

It's like a heavy metal punk rock, rock and roll, stupid green bottle with the fucking antlers on it. And it smells like medicine. And it's always big dudes on motorbikes. But they're drinking a digestif yeah so you get that a lot around sort of alpine places don't you like if you ever go snowboarding or something or like parts of italy they're really into like this sort of bitter digestif that's made of mountain herbs and and it's just horrible it's just i i'm fascinated by jagermeister because it was i i don't really know but it was a i think it was german yeah it must be it was but it was a it was

a post meal help your help your pork chop digest your schnitzel digest and you do a little you have a little and a little kiss of it and then it breaks down the food in your gut and i'm just i would i'm fascinated by the like what potentially happened on that day where the where the jaeger meister family like looked at the stats and went oh yeah this is wow lots of people have indigestion yeah yeah and then someone was like, no, no, it's just like, it's just frat boys in Magaluf, like, doing shots off of strippers. That's why, where people are drinking your drinks. Yeah.

And the Jägermeister family having to make this decision as to whether they wanted to keep branding it as a digestif or go all out and make it like a party drink. But it's so weird, isn't it? Because I understand why things like that exist in places that need it. Like know if you live in the alps or somewhere mountainous and in the springtime you collect the native herbs and grasses and you distill them to make this weird drink that no one understands that's fine until civilization happens properly and you realize there are other things to drink like who the fuck likes it enough that it's still a thing in the year 2020,

when there are all these nice things to drink? Who has ever been at the pub and gone, you know what I really fancy? A Jägermeister. Yeah. Oh, I've eaten too much. You know what, I'll sort you out, mate. Go and grab a Jäger.

Oh, yeah, good idea. Do you want one as well? Do I? Like, who were the people that took it from an after meal drink to a frat boy shots? That has to be one of the most genius marketing moves of the century. Like Lucozade,

that was what you drink when you're off school sick. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It was like a medicinal drink and then someone went, oh, fuck that.

Just make it for, way more people play football. Yeah. Get John Barnes to talk about it. Yeah. It's like in the 50s in America, you'd buy milkshakes at the pharmacy and then someone was like,

nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Burgers. Yeah. Jaeger. Jaeger. Yeah. Do you know what though? You you've said we've said jaeger but maybe red bull well i mean maybe just energy drinks they go together don't they though because you get a jaeger bomb so i mean they're very happy together and maybe maybe i mean i think i'd rather drink a jaeger bomb than a shot of jaeger or a can of red bull so maybe the two of them together is jaeger and red bull a thing yeah yeah oh my god um but i mean i remember an advert for jagermeister and it was like all these friends gathered in a

forest and they collect all these sticks and they build this giant stag out of twigs in the forest like a sort of trojan horse this massive thing and then they all set fire to it and they're all cheering and having their jaegers and it's like it's quite a good metaphor for it because it's like yeah it is made of all these specially picked botanicals and berries and and flavors but then the effect of it is like you just want to get rid of it as quickly as possible so it's like you spend someone spent a lot of time on it and then you're like yeah burn it or like just knock it back as quickly as you can get rid of any evidence that it ever existed nothing good has ever happened after someone's had four shots of Jägermeister either nothing

nothing nothing no I agree I agree well I think it's a really good choice also yeah nachos and Jäger bombs is just it's such a frat boy choice it's perfect just bombs as well jaeger but like just it's i was thinking about this today like with the uh i was listening to a podcast and they advertised manscaping oh man and it's like it's the need to macho eyes everything that just absolutely makes my blood boil like a jaeger bomb it's like no just say jaeger you don't have to make it sound like you're you're a fucking like that you're some kind of amazing like superhero because you drank a fucking fizzy drink with a shot in it just yeah oh you've made a very good case for that. And yeah, I heartily agree with you.

Now, Josh, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The planes entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck. It only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite film is the film Inception by Christopher Nolan. Because it's... Aside from the fact that it's a terrible film, I hate the fact that it was sort of released

under the guise of this sort of savant genius thing. That really, when you break down Inception inception it's like someone in a movie pitch panicking because they ran out of ideas and they just started making shit up they were like well it's a dream and then all of a sudden if you get shot in the dream you get shot in real life and then all of a sudden they're jet skis and then they're on a mountain and then all the buildings are melting and it just and then i i i think that movie makes absolutely no sense i think it was far too popular when it came out when it finished the cinema clapped and i i would i never ever ever want to see it again and it's made me hate christopher nolan as well yeah it's a it's a weird it felt like there wasn't so much hype about it it's one of those oh but you've got to go and see inception it was one of those films but one of the key things is

that i just don't think anyone dreams like that i mean it's not how like we've all had dreams we all know how it works but in this it's like oh we're going to invade their dreams because then we're going to persuade them to do this thing that we want them to do and you're like yeah but i have loads of weird shit happening in my dreams and it's not like i wake up and it's like i will rob that bank that i dreamt about robbing you just kind of go oh back in the real world that was a bit weird okay i'll go and get some toast now but wasn't that basically all it was was they were trying to the whole film's about a bunch of guys trying to rob a bank is that right it's something like that i remember them just it's some guy is trying to persuade someone to do something for

them isn't it so it's like well if we visit him in his dream we'll be so persuasive he'll wake up and just completely change his mind on this this thing that he was completely against before some guy is trying to persuade someone to do something for them. It's not the strongest pitch I've ever heard. In the trailer, some guy is persuading another guy, but he's asleep. And I hate any film that finishes with, like, a stupid cliffhanger.

Yeah, I haven't got time for those. And that dreidel at the end, and it just keeps spinning, and then the whole cinema gasped, and it just made me want to fucking eat my teeth. I just... Yeah, and all the sort of buildings, like, oh, no, he's about to wake up,

all the buildings are folding in on each other. No-one has HD dreams like that. Like, if you had a dream that looked that great, most of the time you're like, what did you dream about last night? Well, I was at work, but it was sort of more like a hotel. But then like, but then you were there, but then you sort of turned into someone else. And then I think it was Christmas.

But, you know, I mean, like dreams aren't that interesting. They're kind of just loads of weird shit happening as your brain just fires off weird thoughts. If it was, if it was more realistic, it would have been if it was like I was stuck in a fridge for half an hour and then i read a book and there was no words on the page and then my stepmom gave me a hand job that is a better plot yeah and just like it's it's it's also just it's the it's like a it is like a 14 year old's wet dream that film isn't it all these different scenarios that every every scene in that film through the eyes of a 14 year old is so so amazing oh they're all jet skiing down a mountain but the mountain then disappears and then all the buildings are like a rubik's cube

it's just like there's no story in that film whatsoever yeah it's like everybody watching that film has had a dream at some point. So why don't we all think this is bullshit? Because it's not like you come out and go to your mate. Is that how you dream in all high definition and stuff with all the buildings being all weird and that? And is that? No, I don't either. Maybe this is bullshit.

The way that they, in the first act, shoot someone so that they let you know. Sorry to spoil this for anyone that hasn't seen it. But they're like, no, because if you get shot in the dream, it's real. And it's just like it's just such a transparent plot line that that was done like 20 years earlier in The Matrix. Yeah, it's all so built up to kind of the exposition is there so that so that you're because your first thought is well surely if it's a dream then there are no consequences and they have to immediately break that down yeah it's like at school when people go did you know that if you if you're falling in a dream and then you don't wake up when you hit the ground you die and you're like how you know that's you can't prove that because the person that didn't wake up and died he wasn't

there to tell you that was the last thing he was dreaming about so why don't you shut up you know it's like how am i gonna die because someone shot me in a dream it's not real i don't know you know spoiler alert there was a there was a rumor at my school, primary school, that was, you know, it was like, you know, Kenan and Kel, you know, Kel's dead because Kenan pointed his fingers in the shape of a gun at Kel and said, bang, and bullets came out. And I think I think about that probably once a fortnight. That's incredible. Wow.

That was a rumor that was going around like the whole county. It was like the Kenan and Kel's dead because bullets came out of Kenan's hand. It's not even just like they got into a disagreement and there's a lot of guns lying around in America. It's like, why add the supernatural into Kenan and Kel? It's so wonderful that even the rumour is so adolescent in its premise. That's perfect. Oh, man.

I love that one. But yeah, that's my movie, Inception. Any Christopher Nolan film, I think he's fucking violently overrated as a director. I can't stand any of the Batman films. I think Heath Ledger held that movie together. There's otherwise a movie that everyone would have gone, yeah, it was fine. And it's been lionized because of the fact that he tragically died. And he was great in the film,

but he was basically playing Tom Waits. And I can't stand that film. I think Memento is stupid. I think, oh man, what's the other Nolan movie? I thought Dunkirk was just shit. Yeah, I think he's definitely got a style. And now he's famous enough that it's just saying it's Christopher Nolan is enough. So people don't worry too much, do they?

Yeah. Well, a good choice and well argued. And what would your song be? Well, I've bent the rules slightly on this one. And I've gone with... Because I couldn't think of a specific song that I hate more than any song. So music that always grinds my gears

is any song where the lyrics try and tell me what to do. Right, okay. Does that make sense? So basically any song that's like, Everybody dance, clap your hands. hands or like let's dance or um geez what are the other ones celebrate just anything that's telling me what to do clap along if it's just like no i just want to sit down and and eat a quiche but i just i just any basically any nile rogers song basically i think is what it is

i think nile rogers wrote all of those songs and like and like all the wedding just just songs that tell you to get up and and have a good time yeah because i think even if you are dancing to them and then everyone's doing some dance that they've made up or that there is for this song and you didn't realize and then if you don't join in you look like this weird sort of stick in the mud but even if you do like the song but you just want to do your own dance to it without sort of you know being one step away from line dancing it's also it's it's the it's the like everybody dance clap your hands clap your hands it's like that firstly dancing and clapping your hands They don't really look great together. And then let's dance.

I just know Rogers is like his whole. And also, I do think he's a genius, by the way. I do think he's amazing. But I do think that he had one thought process that started in about 1975 and went through to now. That is him going. Well, if you can, if you suggest, just suggest the thing, just suggest the a thing that will make people want to that's how you write a hit record and to his credit he's written about 25 hit records they're all essentially about dancing yeah yeah but i don't want to be part of it i don't want to be involved in the thing i don't want i don't like the assumed notion that i want to dance because i don't ever want to dance i enjoy dancing but i want it to feel like it was my choice you know i don't want to be like oh oh everyone's doing it

oh it's not it's fun now you know it's all just because niall told me what's the uh um these are the good times it's like all right no why are you assuming that i'm having a good time yeah it's back to will i am don't don't assume yeah don't make the assumption that i'm having fun i drove to this wedding i've given up three days because they've decided their wedding has to be three days long i'm staying in a fucking premiere in i'm wearing a suit that hasn't fit me for two years with someone who i'm not sure if i love and i've had to buy a fucking toaster even though we all know this marriage is going to last 13 months yeah i'm doing jaeger bombs above a rugby club this isn't this isn't what i wanted to be doing oh i just that it's just those songs those weddingy get up and you know what's that one

do you remember yes i remember yeah also uh the sort of the people you've picked for this island they're gonna that's the song will come on someone will put it on and you're gonna go oh fucking not this and then tom cruise is going to be relentlessly positive, even if, you know, inside he's screaming. He's still going to be like, hey, yeah, no, come on. This is a great idea. Bear Grylls is going to be saying, no, look, morale is so important. If you won't pray with me, just dance with me, OK? You know, that can be a type of prayer, too. And, you know, Will.i.am, obviously, you know, he's going to be dancing whilst telling you the story

about how he had a lot of input into this song that was written before he was born or something as well will i am is gonna you're gonna put on like if it's on loop he on the first play he's gonna try and switch it over to one of his songs yeah yeah that's all he's gonna do he's gonna go oh yeah yeah oh um you know a good times these are good times because have you heard my song i've got a feeling tonight it's gonna be a good night that was i don't know if you know this it was number one in uh in 27 countries and tom cruise came on stage to sing it with us at the o2 arena do you know about that yeah it was almost the precursor to your song as nile because it was like before you actually went out to dance so if anything it's like the prequel so i sort of got

there first um one of the coolest things I ever saw was I saw Nile Rodgers at the Roundhouse. And he was playing all the songs and he was like, if you think any of these songs are, you know, oh, that's a Shirley Bassey song or that's a Diana Ross song.

He's like, I fucking wrote them. I wrote all these. And there was like a real sort of punk rock anger in him that was like, I don't get the credit. And then it was just after that Daft Punk,'t get the credit and then the and then it was just after that daft punk uh what was the one he did with pharrell is it get lucky oh see yeah i'm up all night to get luck it's just like uh that one and he didn't play it and then at the end of

the gig they just stuck the daft punk album on that nile played on the whole album and he just stood on the stage and danced while they packed down the stage wow to to the whole record it was one of the best things i've ever seen that was someone's idea someone had that idea and he went yeah that's a good idea that's what i love about that whereas you'd go what the fuck is he doing this is so weird but someone signed that off there was a conversation about that happening and they did it on purpose on multiple nights. He went, let's get the CD out,

stick it in the desk and as soon as the gig's finished, right as the lights come up, track one. Wow, all the way through, no break. But there was like roadies like coiling up leads.

Bloody hell. Just coiling up leads and putting microphones in boxes and in flight cases and he was just on the stage and after a while it stopped being it became a bit like oh come on grant come on dad like time to go home but he just he styled it out and he and he went and he made it funny again you're like oh but i can't leave now i really want to leave and go home but i can't because i feel bad that everyone's walking out on nile rogers but it does look like he's going to do this for an entire album and i do want to catch the last train so but if i leave everyone else will will all sort of trickle out and the idea of nile dancing on his own at the end of his own

show is just too sad i'll miss the train it's all right for you nile i'll miss the train it's all right for you now i'll miss the train i'll get an uber yeah okay well good choice again now josh finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why uh i struggle with this because i quite like all all the animals um so i've gone with any small dog okay yeah i think that's fair any kickable like a pillow dog any little bulgy eyed tongue out little meal like if you look at a dog and you're like pretty sure i could eat that in one sitting i don't think it's a dog i think it's just an and they all look miserable because they're all just so inbred yeah i was talking about this with uh we had tim renko on this podcast a few weeks ago and he was saying about a relative of his had bought a pug and just everything about it

is so weird it's like just when you made that animal and you went yeah you sit there watch it wheezing and struggling to walk properly and you're like nailed it this is this is what i'm gonna make more of these and like they can't give birth properly because their bodies and heads are the wrong sizes now and they have to all have cesareans and you're like is that i mean was that part of the plan do you and you just kept going with that is that really what i mean that sounds insane they're just so what are the little chihuahuas? I just feel bad for them. I feel sorry for them. They're just like, their organs are almost protruding out of their weird little swollen rib cages. Yeah.

And their tongues can't even fit. Their tongues can't even fit in their mouths. My mate had a pug and it used to just lick the wall. There was just a wall outside the house and it would spend all day licking the wall so weird isn't it i mean it's just a sort of this is why people need to have jobs because this is what happens when men get bored for too long they just start going what if it was that shape can we change it can we make it that shape why don't know my girlfriend likes it should we make it that shape who's so insecure that they need a dog that small to make them feel big just the noises they

make as well it's like this sort of weird grunting snorting it's like they're snoring while they're awake oh and those stupid eyes that are off center they're never looking at anything little dogs they're never looking at anything they're looking two sides of something all the time oh man and an island full of them just everywhere running around yeah oh mate i would yeah i would hope that there was some kind of boar or monkey that would just rip the skin off of its back and just put it out of its misery. Because they're all miserable. They're all in pain, those little doggies.

Yeah, they don't look happy. You need a big... The big dogs are... You know when you pat a big dog and you're like, yes, and you get to give it a big old... And it's like you've got a little wolf and they stand outside the supermarket smiling waiting for you yeah like if you left a chihuahua outside a supermarket it would die yeah just blew

away just it floating off like a fairground balloon oh my god yeah and also i mean to be okay i will give bear grills credit here i think he'd cook the little dogs very well yeah he'd at least get you know skin it neatly wouldn't he he'd know the skill yeah um yeah i think that's a fair choice because and also the other thing is dogs i mean they're not going to clean up after themselves they've got no plan have they they're just shit forever and if humans didn't care for them and pick it up that's it if. If the world was ruled by dogs, there's no backup plan. There's no recycling. It's just going to be covered in shit and they haven't thought it through. And that's just going to be one other thing.

You know, you bury it or like, you know, you keep telling Will.i.am that it's not enough to just bury it. You've got to like throw it in the sea or something because then, you know, you walk on what you think is sand. But he's just scooped sand over it and he won't listen. They are a little dogs more dumb than big dogs. Like if a big dog was chatting to a little dog, would he be like, all right, mate, please don't make me talk to him. Please. He's just, because you never see, like you never see a chihuahua sniffer dog, do you? Yeah, maybe that's because they're so small though. Any tiny particles of drug

that they inhale they'll just have them on their ass yeah too quickly you need something big like a nice stocky labrador yeah maybe that's why their eyes are always bulging out their faces and their tongues are hanging out their mouths because they're just beaked off their nut all the time yeah just walking around london inhaling skunk all the time just and it's too much for them yeah well josh i think that's another fine choice and i think you've put together a truly horrific island for yourself so so well done um now josh where can people sort of hear and see more of you at the minute uh well i mean they can um they should follow me on instagram which is i think it's josh at josh

weller at josh weller maybe it's Josh Weller, Josh Weller. But and then come see me do stand up, I guess. Lovely. If that if that comes back to normal at some point soon, that would be really nice. Definitely. Definitely. Cool. All right.

Well, we'll all keep an eye out for you. And thank you again for coming on and sharing your dicks with us today. Thank you so much for having me. Bye.