Desert Island Dicks - KAI SAMRA

Episode Date: April 5, 2018

BRAND NEW DICKS! For this week's podcast I'm joined by writer and comedian, Kai Samra. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Raya and comedian Kai Samra. Hey, James, how you doing? I'm absolutely fine, thanks, mate. How are you? I'm doing good. Like I said, I did have a bit of a nightmare journey here. Did one of those things where I forgot to eat and then just had not one, not two,

but three Krispy Kreme donuts on the way here. Have you just had three Krispy Kreme donuts back to back? So I'm basically just... I'm pregnant with sugar and regret at the moment. And hella E-numbers. I swear to God. I can't wait apart from that

I'm all good you can make some coke as well obviously the drink and the beverage yeah Coca Cola so that's not helping cool

Kai who's going to be your first choice let's get sucked straight in yeah when I heard about the concept I was like

this is going to be easy I mean being a comedian there's so many people I don't like in the media and then it was tough I thought we live in obviously there's so many people I don't like in the media. And then it was tough.

I thought, we live in tough, like, obviously there's so many people like Nigel Farage, Tommy Robinson. I'm going to go for the worst person. I'm going to go for Brooklyn Beckham. Brooklyn Beckham! Of all of those, Brooklyn Beckham. Of all those people, I'm going to go for Brooklyn Beckham. What's Brooklyn Beckham done? It's not even what he's done specifically. It's more what he represents.

I think it's this new thing of celebrity kids. Ah. Basically, kids who have done nothing of their own, basically famous, and have got this life of luxury through their own parents. So they're famous because of that. Ah. So with Brooklyn Beckham, I found out on the way here,

he became a photographer for Burberry at the age of 12 and then tweeted this just goes to show what you can achieve when you work hard and follow your dreams and it's like no it's not that is what you can achieve if you were lucky enough to come out of a

spy girl's womb that is basically what it is and I think yeah that's what it is these kids just being blind to their own privilege and then being famous as a result of it them out of a spy girl's womb. That is basically what it is. And I think, yeah, that's what it is. It's just this, like, these kids just being blind to their own privilege and then being famous as a result of it, and then being, like, to kids, like, working class kids, like, you can be anything you want and just blind

to their own stuff. And he's not really, I don't know, what is he famous for? Do you even know? Just to be, what, Brooklyn Beckham? Yeah. He's just famous for being the Beckham son. Exactly. I don't know, that's what I think. And I'm like, it's just that thing of, I think it's more, it's more this huge proliferation of just kids like,

Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift's the same, just comes from quite a privileged background. And they're kind of like, oh, they only tell the people about that, but they're like, you can be anything you want to be. And it's like, you can if your dad is a multi, multi-millionaire. Then it is a little bit easier. I'll give you that.

You know, if you work hard, you can become a recording artist. It helps if your dad is a multi, multi-millionaire, then it is a little bit easier. I'll give you that. You know, if you work hard, you can become a recording artist. It helps if your dad is a record producer. Exactly. Your mum is like one of the most famous pop stars around. Yes. Yeah, that is a thing. And there's like a lot of them nowadays. I don't know.

It's just this weird thing of like people become famous for nothing in particular. You know, like Kim Kardashian's the same. You're like, why is she? What's the same you're like why is she what's the deal with her yeah her dad was a her dad was it so yeah um i spoke about this on a previous podcast but her dad was the lawyer for oj simpson and so her dad was oj simpson's lawyer which was a very famous court case obviously yeah and but he he's like so so obviously because it was so uh widely televised right for whatever reason he he garnered some fame what's like some kind of fame which obviously

led him to be part of certain circles yeah i know it's a weird it's very weird but it's yeah this is like there's just loads of examples of that nowadays but they're kind of like you don't really know like what kind of background they've had and they kind of give out this this thing of like hey i've really struggled i've come from nowhere and then you find out they're they're actually pretty privileged yeah but yeah i don't know why maybe it's because i'm quite working class got a big chip on my shoulder but i think it's definitely something to do with that. No, no. I mean, I think it's completely justified. I think it's more,

the one thing that annoys me more is the fact that you kind of, you're not aware of how lucky you are and you think you've gotten to that position through work of your own and you're like, no, you haven't. Because at the end of the day,

I think you are automatically like blind to your own privilege. You don't know. If you've always been born with it, you don't know any different. And it's just this thing of them kind of telling kids like, you know, you can be anything you want to different. And it's just this thing of them kind of telling kids, like, you know, you can be anything you want to be.

And it's like weird, because I think it's a millennial thing. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, my mum is like very, I'll give you an example. Like, my little brother, like, he dropped out of school just before he did his GCSE, right?

So he didn't have any qualifications. And my mum was like, when has that ever been a good thing? And my brother just went, yeah, well, Bill Gates dropped out of school and he became a billionaire. And my mum was like when has that ever been a good thing and my brother just went yeah well Bill Gates dropped out of school and he became a billionaire and my mum

and me and my mum were like yeah he dropped out of a large great Harvard University like you failed your GCSEs like three times

at Dudley College there's a huge difference it's like it's yeah I think it's a thing and I think it's definitely a millennial thing

where you kind of grow up and you're like I can be whatever you want to be and then you like you reach 23 and you're like it's pretty it's a thing and I think it's definitely a millennial thing where you kind of grow up and you're like I can be whatever I want to be and then you reach 23 and you're like it's harder than I thought it was going to be.

I think like didn't David Beckham made him get a job in a West London coffee shop or something and so supposedly anonymously he worked in this coffee shop

for a little while to like learn the value of money. Yeah, I'm sure he can. How did he get there? I wonder how much of that wage he blew in an hour at Sugarhut. The thing is, does that matter? Because that's obviously not the only money you've got to spend. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly. I don't know it's that must be tough i think like i think if you if you do come from a like a rich background and i'm not having a go at them too like if you were famous and rich you obviously are going to give kids that but then like it's just that thing of them flaunting it i think yeah it's that's the annoying thing like i don't mind people like Rappers Or like Mayweather Of like really flaunting their wealth Because I think yeah You kind of You weren't that

But it's when like Kids like them don't Right okay That's the one thing that annoys me a lot Yeah yeah for sure Okay cool Alright Brooklyn Beckham goes in Straight in there

Straight in there Who's going to be your second choice? Okay so I was thinking I'm going to I need Instead of doing anybody famous I was going to do someone Quite personal to me Okay cool So I'm going to instead of doing anybody famous, I was going to do someone quite personal to me.

Okay, cool. So I'm going to go with my first ever teacher at school. Okay. So there's a Charles Dickens thing. Like in a lot of Charles Dickens books, he basically has characters that their names are similar to their personalities. Okay. And this teacher perfectly sums that up because genuinely his name was Mr. Butt. No. B-U-T-T. And he obviously got bullied at school with that name. He was like, right,

I cannot wait until the day I am teacher and I can bully another kid. So my first day of school, me and my mum were like new to the area. And we didn't know anyone. I didn't know anybody at the school. So I walk in, it's your first day of of school it's already like super scary um first day of secondary school it's like a big step i go in i'm a bit nervous like go through the door i'm like who am i gonna sit next to this is all very weird and the teacher just like points at me he goes kai get out right he didn't say kai didn't know my name then right he goes you get out right so um first day of school and then i'm outside and he brings me in and he goes, do you know why I brought you here? And I was like, no.

I was obviously like a child. And he was like, because I've never seen a little boy walk with his head so far stuck up his arse. No! I was seven years old. What? I was like, yeah, and not only that, but I was like, I just came to England and I didn't know that English that well. So I was like, I didn't understand what he was saying. And he just had this massive go at me.

And then he was my PE teacher as well. So that made it even worse. And I like, I loved PE. I loved sports. Like, like any kind of young kid, I wanted to be like a pro footballer. I just used to play football all the time. And then somehow, like, I was in the team and i was captain as well i remember it's been a big thing um and my dad was there and we'd like we're playing

another school and the other school like the kid from the other school came and like went past two defenders and scores and um i just shouted out i'm like super competitive, right? And I was like, what the fuck are you doing, right? Yeah, yeah. And he sent me off and never let me play football again. What? Yeah, I know. Yeah, he's definitely in there. I only thought of that on the way here.

It's one of those things that I've raised from my memory. And I was like, yeah. But he ruined your potential career. I know. I could have been straight in that England team nowadays. Yeah. You don't have to be that good. No.. I could have been straight in that England team nowadays. Yeah. You don't have to be that good. No.

But I, yeah, that, yeah. And I like little things like that. You know, when you kind of, makes it bigger. I was only a little kid. And then I didn't play football. Like, I kind of stopped playing football. You just stopped after that? Yeah.

How bad's that? Do you play now? No. Oh, man. Because, like, these comedians have a little five-a-side five-a-side thing on the weekends and they're like pro comedians

they're like you know people that I really admire and I'm always like oh I don't want to do it it's because it has that much of a bad negative

it just brings something out of me and I'm like I don't want to play that anymore really how bad's that from that

what about you did you have any bad teachers oh yeah I had some bad teachers yeah for sure when i was in primary school there was a teacher and um her name was mrs allen right okay and she lived really near the school so so she lived opposite the school to the point where everyone was like oh she like never leaves the school right she had uh i'd say she was kind of middle height she was quite tall so she was kind of middle height. She was quite tall.

So she was kind of middle height, but when you're in primary school, you're tiny, so she seemed massive. She had a very stern face, little circular glasses and very tight grey perm. They used to call her Alien Alan, right? Because she showed no emotion whatsoever and for the littlest thing you would get sent to the wall and you'd have to stand there all playtime that was the worst, the wall

we had that at our school go stand at the wall, it's mental sorry, actually no, I tell a lie we had a thing where we used to, the older kids in the school, we used to, the older kids in the school, we used to line up the younger kids and just kick a football at them.

What? Yeah. That's not sanctioned by teachers, though. Yeah, that was not sanctioned by, that wasn't like school policy. No, yeah. That wasn't like a rite of passage or anything like that.

It was, yeah, it was this weird thing and then you used to kick footballs at our head. Oh, God. Yeah, so don't mention a wall. It's crazy. It's a nightmare. We had a thing at our school called... Right, we had a thing called Deccan.

D-E-C, right? It's called drinking, eating, chewing. And if a teacher spotted you drinking, eating, or chewing outside the canteen, you used to get straight after-school detention. What? I swear to God. I thought that was the thing that all schools did.

That was just our school. It was a secondary school? Yeah, and it was like, literally, if you did anything. It was like, initially it was meant to be chewing gum. And it was like, okay, because, yeah, so that gets everywhere. And then it was just for everything. Like, you couldn't have a sip of water. If you had a sip of water, it was an after-school detention straight away.

What? I know, it was crazy. What if you're thirsty? It was like, for Bristol. It was weird. It was crazy. I know, it was crazy. I'm thinking of your school.

I'm thinking of your school canteen. This is going to make you feel sick, but in my school there was a vending machine that you could use sort of whenever you want. That was the dream. Maxim Playtime and a vending machine. That was all I wanted as a kid. Two separate schools, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Matt, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to put you... My whole childhood's ruined after that one bit. First ever teacher, Mr Butt. Mr Butt, yeah. And he was just a... And then I remember once, like, so from a very working family,

so my dad used to, like, box and stuff like that. My brother used to box. Wow, okay. Yeah, so, like, we used to do that. Like, my dad used to force me to do boxing. So basically the first time I was ever on stage... I never did acting or anything like that. Obviously I do comedy now.

So I never did any acting before I did comedy. Did a bit of music. But the first time I was ever,, quote unquote, on stage was boxing. So people were always like, oh, you must be really terrified doing comedy. But then when I was like six, seven, eight, up until we left, about ten, we used to get a ton of people at this race course in Warwick. And yeah, they used to just like give us pads and just head pads and we just beat each other up so that was always i remember just being so nervous

for that obviously yeah and then uh yeah then he went down to the school and was like you better put kai in the tomb and then it was all oh yeah we were yeah we were like the brutal the boxing thing i know so i think that was the first time i was ever on stage and that's brutal the boxing thing that's crazy I know so I was thinking that was the first time I was ever on stage and that's obviously because people are

obviously the worst thing that can happen in comedy is you go on stage and you die as opposed to nobody laughs yeah yeah yeah and in boxing

you're like I could not die but you could get beaten up in front of everyone so it's not as bad as that surely there's like

an Edinburgh show in that I know reliving the first time an Edinburgh show in that I know reliving the first time you were ever on stage I know I did actually go back to his box I did start boxing

again actually recently but it's placed in East London it was an MMA gym and I went in there for like a week and you know you'd think

I do not belong here and I was like that's the last time I'm ever doing that I was like I love Rocky it can't be that different I know them oh man that's happened to me a lot of times in my life and you sign up to something and then you're like Last time I'm ever doing that. Yeah. I love Rocky. It can't be that different.

I know the moves. Oh, man, that's happened to me a lot of times in my life. And you sign up to something and then you're like, shoot. Yeah, I would do that thing where you watch it on TV and you go, how hard can that be? Yeah. Like, I've watched it on TV. I could definitely do that. And then you're just like, what am I doing?

This isn't for me. Oh, man. OK. Do you know what I'm most upset about? Is that you, like, Mr. Buck cut your football career short. I know. You were captain of the team. I know, and I played every weekend on a local team,

which didn't play for the school. It was crazy. Yeah, and it was weird, because, like, yeah. I mean, who would have known what I could have achieved? I'm guessing not much, but it's nice to dream. Mr. Buck, you bastard. I know, I'd like to fight. I wouldn't. I'd have a beer with him, but. Bart. It's nice to dream. He bastards. I know, I'd like to find... I wouldn't... I'd have a beer with him,

but I wonder what he's up to now. Yeah. Would you bring him out? Uh... After he finds out where he works. Yeah. Have you been back to your school? No.

Since you've been older? Neither have I. No. Because people say, like... So I moved away, my mum moved away, so I've got no reason to go back. But, like, I do sometimes wonder, like, do sometimes wonder, do you go back and speak to the teachers? Yeah.

Do you reckon that would be depressing or good? I think it'd be fine because I remember doing it. I remember being at school and seeing kids come back to school and actually, maybe I was perceiving it wrong, but thinking, oh, the teachers act differently when you don't go here anymore. Right. Why were they coming back?

Because they've done lots of stuff. Yeah, you know, someone that's like a professional whatever now. I mean, that kind of stuff. What were they? What did any of them achieve? I can't remember what any of it had achieved. And I think it was very rarely. I'll tell you what, actually, for the most part,

it was kids that had gone on to do art and stuff at university would come back to see the art teachers. Okay. Because maybe the art teachers are, I think, most commonly probably the cooler ones. Yeah, I can imagine. That's the scary thing. Because a lot of my mates are teachers now.

And I'm like, oh, my God, I've become one of them. That is like the worst thing. Your mate is a teacher. Quite a few of my mates are teachers now. And I'm like, oh my God, I've become one of them. That is the worst. Your mate is a teacher? Quite a few of my mates are teachers now. I've got mates, yeah. It's weird because you think, am I that person? And then you think back to when you were a kid and a lot of those teachers were probably 22.

And you're like, man, they're younger than I am now. And I think that's a weird existential crisis you don't want to stir up. That's crazy. Thinking back to my 12-year-old self, thinking, oh, my teacher's so old, and they're actually almost 10 years younger than I am. That's terrifying.

I don't want to go... I might do that, actually. There's got to be an Edinburgh show on that, going back to your school and going back to your teachers and stuff. You know, write these ideas down. Oh, no, we've already come up with that three. Who's going to be your third choice for your desert island

okay I thought of this on the way here I am going to go for Tim Westwood Westwood the big dog yeah

I thought you'd have those sound effects on the ready I thought that was your style okay I don't have them on the ready

but you must have a good anecdote about here's some of them now that's the joy of podcast i can just put that in did you enjoy that i did i love that what about this one okay why have you picked the big dog? The big dog. I think, I thought it was on the way here. It's such a good choice. Do you know, guess how old he is?

Guess how old Tim Westwood is. Okay, I might guess it right though. Is he 60? He's 61. How do you know he's 60? I reckon he's been around that long. Surely he's like 60. Oh my God, that blew my mind.

I didn't know he was 61. Oh, you've ruined my thing. How old do you think he was? I thought he had like a tough pay-per-hour, and it was like, he was like 35. Well, that's his lifestyle. Maybe not 35. He would have been like five when he started.

He's been around for so long. I thought, okay, I remember him from like 50 Cent and stuff, when J-Unit became big. Yes. Was it before then? No, it was roughly around that time. But it was building up to it around that time, yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah, so it's just this weird thing. I think like, I just kind of feel, like I said, I was thinking on the way here, it was just like, I kind of imagine like,

you know, there's obviously some sort of diversity meeting at the BBC and they were like, right, we really need to be more diverse. We need to really, like, reach out to a black audience. We need to have a hip-hop show.

That sounds great. Who are we going to get? Tim Westwood, a six-year-old white guy. Like, where's he from? Like, the Bronx? Like, Inglewood, California? He's from Norwich. You wouldn't get that the other way around. Like, apparently his dad's, like, a vicar as well. Yeah, I thought that, yeah. And it's like, you know, you wouldn't get Lil Wayne

presenting songs of praise. Do you know what I mean? It's like this weird thing of like you would have it the other way around. But I couldn't believe he was 61. No, yeah.

He's in hip hop. Okay, I'll let you in on a little thing. So my anecdote is also the reason why I know he's 60 odd. Okay. So I saw someone

posted something. I think it got like thousands of retweets or whatever the other day but it was someone had screenshotted on um he's now on capital extra right so he's on capital extra that's his thing yeah yeah someone has screenshotted their instagram where it was him like doing a selfie saying oh my show's on or whatever it was yeah there's a picture of him and And someone had commented on it saying, mate, you're 60 years old and you look like you're a 14-year-old kid in Nando's.

So there he is. He was like his little flat cap and his puffer jacket or whatever. I know. I think it's just that. Yeah. Have you ever been out? Do you know a place called Leamington Spa? I know.

I don't know. That's like where I, like after I was 10 years old, probably spent my teenage years. Right. So I was going out clubbing in Leamington Spa. I know. I don't know. That's like where I, like, after I was 10 years old, probably spent my teenage years. Right. So I was going out clubbing in Leamington Spa and there's this place called Evolve,

which is pretty much the most horrific place you can ever imagine. Wow, okay. I used to go there all the time, but at that age, obviously we'd like, had a fake idea,

so it was like 16, 17, so you get in and you think, Tim Westwood, I'm going to do whatever I can to get that hot ticket. Right. And so we went in and it was, Tim Westwood, I'm going to do whatever I can to get that hot ticket. And so we went in and he was just this, yeah,

he was just like doing this MC stuff where it was just like, oh, just, I'm not even going to repeat some of the stuff. So just all these like women

and it's like, it's like, yo, give me a chill, the ho's in the house and he's like, he's a six, he's in the bracket of elderly.

Like you should be, forget the Maybags. You should get a free bus pass at that age, right? You should get the peasant wagon. But yeah, I think it's just that. And I think it's just like, it's just a weird thing. I don't know how he got that job. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? I think because his dad was like a radio DJ.

But like, he used to do like religious stuff. I think he was like a vicar and stuff. So I'm like, going back to the Brooklyn Beckhams. It's just like, he used to do like, religious stuff, I think he was like a vicar and stuff, so I'm like, interesting. Going back to the Brooklyn Beckhams, it's just like, he's basically, Brooklyn Beckhams,

it's nepotism, but he really took it in. Do you remember when he did Pimp My Ride? Oh, that was, yeah, well I don't, I used to watch American one of that.

Yeah. I didn't, the English version must have been horrific. But the English version was just like, you know, in America, it was just like, they had this insane Cadillac that like you could tell it's gonna end up amazing but here they had like a little dihatsu high jet tiny van oh yeah i'm sure they did a robin ryan i'm sure that i read

that rings a bell yeah little dell boy and yes and in one they did a um they did bez from happy mondays they did he's great they did his um his l Mondays. Oh, he's great. They did his London taxi that he apparently owned or whatever. It's the most embarrassing thing. That is hilarious. This is going to sound like a bit of a, not a name drop, but Bez isn't a name. Go on.

So I moved to London, I was doing music, so I was in a band. We went out and we did a basically we supported Block Party oh that's amazing yeah and we did this after show party in Camden

the stables oh yeah I think and Bez was there and you know when you meet someone who is like such a I don't want to say

archetype but character right and you think I hope this guy is like the preconception i have of him and he was like that times 10 and i was like yes so he's just like just exactly how

you'd imagine him to be okay and just off his head and it was and it was he was really lovely all right nice okay so yeah that's my little best story that's great clang name dropping i'm hanging out with all the big guns nowadays. Bez, they're so good. Yeah, Bez Westwood. Oh, Tim Westwood. He's just, yeah. Do you reckon he's ever been married?

I don't know. He probably should have done our research. I don't know. Yeah, we should have done, yeah. Well, I don't know. You're picking him. Yeah, I picked him, didn't I? Yeah, no, but if he's not or hasn't been, he definitely should be.

I did say he definitely should be sat down. He was like Radio 1, firing the booth, like bringing through all these rappers and stuff like that now. Yeah, yeah. But now he's like on... He's like sort of cutting up. Don't talk about that. Yeah, but it's no one like... It's no one there going...

Yeah. They probably want him to go, but they can't do it on the grounds that he's too old and he just won't give up. It's ageism. Yeah. I know, instead of racism, he's got ageism. He can take them to go, but they can't do it on the grounds that he's too old and he just won't give up. It's ageism. Yeah. I know, instead of racism, you've got ageism. You can take him to court, yeah.

I know. Yeah. But when American rappers, like, used to come and meet him, did they think it was serious? Because he was, like, the biggest hip-hop DJ at the time. Yeah, it's mad. When 50 Cent was coming around, that must have been... He's, like, our, like, foreign secretary.

It's like the Boris Johnson. It's like, he's the person that goes around the hip-hop world. It's like our like foreign secretary it's like the Boris Johnson it's like he's the person that goes around the hip hop world it's like he represents Britain and you think

it's embarrassing yeah it's weird that we have people I was thinking about Boris I was thinking Boris Johnson's but I thought

that was too obvious but you think that's our representative and I suppose I used to love hip hop when I was younger but then you think

that's Tim Westwood was our representative in the early 2000s that needs to be sorted out it's just like for a long time I thought

this must be an act right when's he gonna like let down his guard and drop this act and then it just never happened I know it's like

cultural appropriation to them yeah it's like yeah I can't believe you'd think and like G-Unit and like g unit and like mob dave come around they must be like who like they must have a word with him yeah i mean they're like

popping caps in people's asses i mean they're at least telling him to lose the puppet or something you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lipsips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Kai, now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over

unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad um okay so food i am gonna say crispy creams straight off because of my mood at the moment um drink i said drink was quite easy just What, just that food? Done? That's done. Krispy Kremes? Yeah, Krispy Kremes donuts are done. Okay. Yeah. Is that it? Because my second drink is like a big one. So the drink that I hate the most is soy milk.

Have you ever tasted that? Yeah. Okay. Are you vegetarian or vegan or anything? I am trying my best to be pescatarian. Okay. At the minute, yeah. Okay, so basically, my ex-girlfriend was vegan.

So when we moved in together, she was like, I'd really like if you became vegan as well. And I was like, I don't really want to become vegan. And she was like, I'll at least try and become vegan. To give it a go, yeah. I was like, don't want to become vegan. She was like, can you become vegan? And I was like, don't want to become vegan. She was like i'll at least try and become vegan to give it a go i was like don't want to convince she's like can you become vegan and i was like don't become vegan she's like can you become vegan um so basically i would compromise and i somehow became vegan

very quickly realized i was just yeah punch him in the right and so basically what i was like i love i like seven i like chicken as well right i love kfc and stuff yeah so basically what i was doing was i was like just pretending i was vegan when i was around her and then just going out and just like kfc yeah i was like yeah i was basically like having an affair with connor sanders like i was just like going off like she'd be like where have you come back at this time i'm like nowhere but yeah um so anyway so soy milk came in. So basically she was like, she raided the fridge and I had Cravendale milk, right?

Which as everybody knows is the best milk, right? It's the creme de la creme of milk, right? I used to love my milk, right? And then she chucked it away

and she got things like hazelnut milk and coconut milk and stuff like that. As if, because that's like more, like when has it ever been more natural to like milk and not, like stuff like that. Because that's like more, like when has it ever been more natural to like milk a nut? Like when did that

happen? So we got soy milk and then, yeah, so soy milk's always been really weird and I remember my mum drinking it all the time as well because she's like, wants to be healthy and stuff. And I only, I swear out of my life I've only just thought of this now, but this is

genuinely true. okay so when my so me and my mum had to move out and we got our new a new house right and I didn't want like you know

I had like it was only me and her moving away don't worry it's not going to get all okay so basically we were in this new house

and I didn't want to be in this house it was like a it was really it was a shit old house but then like we were in there and the house hadn't been built yet it was really it was a shit old house but then like we were in there and the house

hadn't been built yet it was really weird right so imagine that so the house was being built it was one of these new build houses and there was like

nothing in the fridge apart from soy milk right and randomly and I swear to god I just thought this now and like mum was like oh we should have a toast

of this new house right so we got a little bit of soy milk in these like plastic cups and we toasted it and we drank it and I drank it and there's a big black caterpillar in my glass

that I was just celebrating. What? Yeah, and it was just like anything to do with soy milk is always Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Is that real? That was true and I was like how much of a weird omen is that? It was like this real black caterpillar, like a caterpillar I've never seen before. What the real? That was true. And I was like, how much of a weird omen is that? It was like this real black catapult, like a catapult I've never seen before.

What the fuck? Was this not a dream? No. It was so weird. And then I woke up. Yeah, it was fun. No, it was like, yeah. And then after that, I was like, soy milk.

Right, so anyway, so I was drinking soy milk. I thought, I've got to get over that, Kai. So when I was with my ex, we were drinking soy milk all the time. And then after all that, I found out it's not even good for you. You're not even supposed to drink it. It's really bad. It's genetically modified. And now they're telling you not

to drink it. And I was like, I was drinking all that horrible stuff, thinking it was good for me. And now it's come back and bit me in the eye. And it's just got this weird kind of like, weird dusty taste. Do you know what I mean? It's a weird thing, isn's come back and bit me in the eye. And it's just got this weird kind of like, kind of like weird dusty taste. Do you know what I mean? It's a weird thing, isn't it?

And you can taste the difference. People are like, oh, you can't taste the difference. It's like... You absolutely can. Yeah, people, vegans always say that. They're like,

oh, it tastes the same as me. And it's like, no, it does not. It tastes the same if you have no taste buds. Exactly. And I think most vegans do have a lack of taste.

I mean, like, I mean, have you seen what they wear? Yeah, so my execute bacon had taste buds exactly and i think most vegans do have a lack of taste i mean like i said yeah so my experience had a t-shirt she always just wear saying give peas a chance with no sense of self-irony just going out there thinking that was a great that was like really hilarious i'm like she was lovely but i feel like i could give her a bad name. Yeah, just, and I was like, that's not a good pun or anything. So, yeah. Horrible memories, soy milk. Honestly, like, there's a Proust thing of, like, there's a book called Madeline where he's like,

he smells a cake and it brings him back to his childhood. And, like, it's a really positive thing. And basically, soy milk is like that, but the complete opposite. Like, whenever I smell it, I'm just like, oh, God. That's horrible. Yeah. Okay, soy milk. Kai, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other, your least favourite song. What are they and why? Ooh, okay. I am going to go least favourite song first. Yeah.

Okay. So basically, I mean, there's so many. Pretty much anything by like Jason Derulo and David Guetta is straight in there for me. Only because, so basically, I don't listen to that much. I don't listen to David Guetta or Jason Derulo or Black Eyed Peas when peas when i'm sober right when i've got choice over what is going inside of my ears but then when you're in a club you don't have a choice so basically it's just like pavlovian effect of like you're listening to this thing that you only listen to when you're absolutely wasted so if i'm out and about, and some will have the radio on,

and I'll listen to black-eyed peas, or like, yeah. Or whatever, yeah. Yeah, or something like that, or like One Direction, I'll feel like I'm high, or drunk, or something, and it's not a good way to go for your life. I feel like we need to boil down into this a little bit more.

But yeah, sorry, I've digressed, right? No, no. So the song, so there's a particular song which is The Killer's Mr. Brightside. Open up my eager eyes

Cause I'm Mr. Brightside Mr. Brightside. So that might seem weird when I was talking about clubbing. You guys can't see this, but Kai's face changed when he said Mr Brightside. He really let his guard down, but it was like with a seriousness. It was just like, this is a real choice. Yeah, this isn't comedy anymore. He didn't think of this last minute.

This is important. This is bad. So we used to go to this place. Have you ever been out in Manchester? Yes, I have, actually, yeah. OK, used to go to this place. Have you ever been out in Manchester? Yes, I have actually, yeah. Okay, do you know of a place called Fifth Ave? Oh, I don't actually know. Okay, so it's this student place

that was like, it was £2.50 entry and you got like two Jager bombs. With it? Yeah. So as you can tell, a very sophisticated place. Really bought the creme de la creme of the Manchester club scene.

And it was just the worst place ever. But they used to play like indie music. So it was good. So they used to get drunk and we were like obviously 18. And it was great, right? But they always used to end it with the killers, Mr. Brightside. So basically at the end of the night, the end of any night is always awful.

Because either like, yeah, obviously it's 5 o'clock in the morning and you want to get back and you want a kebab or you're just or whatever or just way too drunk and this song always used to be the last song

so as soon as that song came on you knew it was time to go. So every time I listen to it now, it's really bad. And also, this is the worst thing as well, is that I went to Leeds Festival and I remember Killers were headlining and LCD Sound System were headlining

the smaller stage. Right, yeah. And basically, I don't even know why, right? Because obviously LCD Sound System were like probably one of my favourite bands. Excellent. But for some reason, everybody wanted to go see The Killers, right? So I went along to see The Killers, right?

Thinking, I'm never going to go see The Killers. I'll probably see LCD Sound System, right? At some point, because I'll buy tickets. Well, I'm not going to buy tickets to see The Killers. Sure. Some logic there. Yeah. So see The Killers sure some logic there yeah so I watched Killers

they were awful right and then LCD Sound System split up the week after and I never got to see them live oh my god how bad is that so painful

so there's a lot of memories against that song as of course that was the last song but what about now LCD Sound System are back yeah and they're back so I'm going to see them this year so it's a memories against that song that was as of course that was the last song but what about no lcd sound system are back yeah and they're back so i'm going to see them this year so it's so yeah on the bright side hello they're coming back here he is mr brightside going to see the killers i know it's

all come full circle baby that's amazing oh god i've been to those indie nights i've been i haven't been to that one but i've been to that one. Do you know what I mean? And it's just like, always ended with Mr. Bison. I'm interested to know, though. I thought one in Manchester, I thought they always ended with I Am The Resurrection in Manchester. No, they didn't.

They did sometimes do Don't Look Back In Anger. Oh, right, okay. That was some, I'm sure that was there. Was that a refreshing change when they ended it with Don't Look Back In Anger? Yeah, you think, oh God, that song's not been done at all, has it? Not been hammered home.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, or like every house party when someone brings out an acoustic guitar. Oh, man. Or is that? No, no, no. Or Wonderwall. I don't know. No.

Okay, Mr. Brightside, and what's going to be your film choice? So film choice is, I am going to put it, go, for Rocky. Rocky 5. Rocky 5. Rocky 5. Okay. Didn't you mention earlier that Rocky was one of your favourites? They were. They are.

They are one of my favourites. Rocky 5. Rocky 5 specifically? Yeah. So basically when I was younger, it's probably like created a lot of my personality. So I used to literally just watch Rocky over and over and over again.

Did you? Like all the time. I don't even know why. Like, as a kid, basically that was just being put into my brain. It was just like Rocky. I don't even know why. And then, like, Rocky V

is like the Godfather 3 of the series. You think, why? And it keeps on going. It just won't ever end. Now it's just like there's Rocky Balboa and there's Creed and I'm like

you had such a good thing Rocky 4 was tailoring off right Rocky 1, 2 and 3 was just like my childhood and you know you must have that thing

where you have a thing of like something that like you know like your childhood thing that you really like believed in and then

like it just kind of sells out like when Johnny Rotten did the Country Life Butter adverts. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like Iggy Pop did the... Swift Cover, yeah, yeah. And just stuff like that.

Credibility goes. Exactly. And you're like, you've ruined my childhood now. So I think that. But yeah, that would be the worst. But yeah, Rocky 2 was my favourite. Oh yeah, it's weird. I haven't seen it in age this is this

is how much i loved it right i purposely didn't see it i purposely haven't seen it for a few years just because i don't want to ruin the memory i've already got of it so i don't want to tarnish what you have already yeah but um do you worry that it won't be as good if you watch it now yeah that's what i'm worried about that's why i why Rocky V kind of ruined it for me. But yeah. And so Sylvester Stallone, what do you think of Sylvester Stallone? He's like, he's just there, isn't he? I mean, I feel like he had his moment in The Sun,

but nowadays he looks like he's been severely affected by The Sun. Yeah, yeah. I know. Been in The Sun. Yeah, it's true. But yeah, it had Mr. T in it. Mr. T. Oh, yeah, Mr. T.

Coolest guy that's ever lived. Mr. T is like my spirit animal. Oh, man. So Rocky V. But if you're on the island, right, and you've just got Rocky V to watch over and over again, no? I would, yeah, I'd probably want to kill myself.

So probably the best thing for it. Okay. Because I think that, because on Desert Island Discs, they always have things they really like, or they go, oh, I'd have a like, I'd want to, because you're away from life, aren't you? So you think, I wanted everything that was bad, and go, oh yeah, maybe like,

modern culture wasn't that good. Maybe I am better off on this desert island, as opposed to having things that you really love. Like, if I had like, stuff that I love, I'd be like, fuck, I really wish, like, I could go back. Yeah. love like if you ever had like stuff that i love i'd be like fuck i really wish like i could go back yeah but then if you're in desert islands you'd be like listening to this stuff reading this stuff you go yeah it was actually wasn't that great was it i'm probably much better off yeah that was the thinking behind it okay i'm with you all right that is good okay uh finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals

which animal is it and why the biggest dick of all the animals a giraffe a giraffe a giraffe why a giraffe

because I've only I've had I've only met a giraffe once and that was at Safari Park okay

in Wilhelmsen I think it was one that you'd like drive around or yeah yeah it was one that you drive like drive around or yeah yeah it's one that you drive around yeah and um literally as a kid uh like i saw a giraffe and i was like that's incredible like you're a kid you're five years old giraffe in real life in birmingham it's crazy

it was like yeah we were like in the car mom's got like jiran jiran on the background Planet Earth, great tune and like this is a big Duran Duran fan in our little voxelastra and we're in Burgundy and there's a fucking giraffe and this is like mind-blowing as a kid, you're like this is incredible and then we open the window and it came in

this big long neck like came in and just gobbed in my face like a big giraffebed in my face. Oh my god! Like a big giraffe gob in my face. And it was like hanging off my nose. It was just this horrific thing. And we got a video of it as well. What were you getting gobbled in your face?

Yeah, my brother's just dying of laughing. I'm not even crying, I'm just in shock of like, of being face to face with the cruel nature of cruel nature of nature. Cruel reality of nature. And then, yeah, he just did that.

And then my mum screamed. It's a horrific thing. It's just horrific. I should put that out online. Yeah, you should. I mean, why didn't you get 250 quid from you being framed? I know.

I mean, that's perfect. Yeah. On the bright side, yet again. Do you know what? I feel like I've just had a realisation that actually

facially a giraffe isn't too dissimilar from a camel yeah they've got eyelashes haven't they yeah

and this kind of like long mouth it's the eyelashes that that humanise yeah it's like I can't think of like

a male giraffe actually the more you talk about it the more I think about giraffes it's a flamingo can't think of, like, a male giraffe. Actually, the more you talk about it, the more I think about giraffes. It's a flamingo. And giraffes are, like, a pretty fucked up looking animal. They're weird, but we're so used to them. Like, why? Why are we so, we should not be used to them? They've got these weird long skinny legs, then a big body,

and a really extremely, I'm describing a giraffe, I'm assuming most people know what a giraffe looks like. Have you seen that thing on Planet Earth when those two giraffes are fighting each other? With their necks? Yeah, that's crazy, isn't it? It's brutal. That's why I don't like him.

It's like, why don't you at least, I don't know, do some leg kicks or something. Don't back your neck with your own neck. That is the most vulnerable part of your body. That's where your esophagus is, your thyroid glands probably getting eaten the shit out of. I wonder if they've ever, two giraffes have ever come together and just

died instantly. Both ones have broken their necks. I hope they did and I hope they all learn from that because there's not a good what are they doing? Oh man. But yeah, I think a giraffe just from that one experience. The giraffe gobbed in your face. Yeah, it was weird. Like when I watch back, I'm going to put it out online.

It needs to be put out online. You should, yeah, yeah. It's like an avant-garde film. And, like, it's cackling of my brother, just like... Where is this video, by the way? Oh, it's just on, like, a little recorder. Oh, you've got it, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was, like, in the 90s.

I'm just wondering if I can put it out when this goes out. Could I put it in the tweet? Oh, definitely. It's your content, though, mate. You use it. Do an Edinburgh show. You could. I thought this was basically being, Oh, definitely. It's your content there, mate. You use it. Do an Edinburgh show. You go. You could do that.

I thought this was basically being like therapy. It was bringing out all these horrific memories. I know. I know. Air it. Air it here. I know. It's all good material.

It's been beneficial. I know. It's worth the trip into town and the Krispy Kremes. Just emotionally, it's not. Kai, thank you so much for coming on. It's been a treat. Thank you for coming on. It's been a treat. Thank you for inviting me. It's been lovely.

Kai, if people want to see you, where can they see you? So I'm gigging pretty much most of the time, but I'm doing my first Edinburgh show in August. And then I'm coming back to Birmingham to do a quite big show at Rep Theatre, which I need to sell tickets for. So that'll be when's that?

that'll be in September time okay that's cool so that's like my that's my thing so I'm just like doing previews at the moment just doing hours like previews for that

okay cool and can you give away any of the Edinburgh show? what's the idea? what are you going to spitting in the face with a giraffe? well pretty much most of the stuff we've covered tonight is now going to spitting in the face with a giraffe well pretty much

most of the stuff we've covered tonight it's now going to be in it wasn't before but now he's definitely going to crowbar that in crowbar that giraffe story in definitely

yeah I'll just use that as an excuse for every bad thing I've ever done like don't blame me it was because of that yeah okay cool

and Kai if people want to find you where can they find you yeah it's just yeah Kai Samra it's on Facebook and on Twitter

and Instagram no one else has got that name so that's great okay alright well lovely to meet you

Kai thanks for coming out cheers mate Bye.