Desert Island Dicks - KATE LUCAS

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Well won't you look who it is... comedian Kate Lucas joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspodLearn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi my name is Dan and this is Desert Island Dicks, this episode featuring the very wonderful Kate Lucas. She's a comedian, stand-up, she writes really good comedy songs and you should check them out online because then you'll know I'm not a damn liar. We originally recorded this about six months ago around Christmas time and I don't think it makes a huge amount of difference to this episode but you might hear us talk about being cold and I think that's about it i'm not really sure why it's taken us this long to get it out i think it was just sitting on my old laptop for a while the audio and then i suddenly went let's get that out into the world the good thing about us waiting so long to get this episode out is that now it coincides with her run at the edinburgh festival she's there for the whole month of august

she's doing a solo show called kate lucas positive uh it's at the voodoo rooms so go and check that out it looks to be on at 10 past 10 every single night so yeah that's the same so yeah go and have a look if you're up in edinburgh as uh yeah she's really funny so i recommend that as well i think that's about it uh i'm not going to babble on too long i've had a very boring week of just recovering from going to a festival at the weekend and dealing with the wrong tiles being delivered for our bathroom to be redone and all this kind of stuff. So I've really got very little content to share with you

apart from the content contained in this podcast. So that's what you should listen to. So that's why I'm going to stop talking now and I'll be back for a little bit more chit-chat at end but for now here is kate lucas on desert island dicks hi i'm dan benedictus and welcome to Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Kate Lucas. How are you doing?

Hello, I'm good, thank you. How are you? Good, I'm all right as well. well yeah we've had a good chat before we started recording about our various states of being um you know i'm in some old tracksuit bottoms you've got a blanket over yourself we're comfortable we're ready i think yeah we're getting through the winter however we can so today we're going to go through you know the worst people and things you could be stuck with on an island. Was this an easy task for you to kind of compile or are there so many it's difficult to whittle it down? So hard for so many reasons, partly because the people you think are really obvious. You start to think about, could I justify my hatred for them?

And then you actually analyse them and you're like, they're not that bad a person. You end up ruling people out who you thought were dicks and then you feel bad about yourself. But, yeah, I've got them. That's the real sign of a dick, if they're making you feel like a dick as well. Yeah, that was going to be one of my choices, actually. OK, well, let's hear your choices.

Let's start. Who's going to be the first person joining you on the island? I thought I'd be bold and give an actual name rather than a type of person madonna okay um i think she might be a psychopath i just i don't think anyone takes madonna as seriously as madonna takes madonna and i can't stand people that take themselves as seriously as that I just feel like I feel like she couldn't ever criticize herself or laugh at herself and you know when just every move somebody makes is calculated to how they could make you see them and you just feel like

stop trying to manipulate me yeah I feel Madonna is trying to manipulate me specifically for that she's a dick are you are you a fan of her music does that play into it at all no i don't dislike her music i really like um like a prayer and yeah there's a few that i actually really like so it's not even that i think she's got no talent i just don't think she'll ever have as much talent as she believes she has. Yeah. Because I think anyone who is sort of that famous a pop star is going to be problematic. But she was sort of at her zenith in the 80s, which is like even bigger, you know.

So it's like her, Michael Jackson, Prince, George Michael, all these sort of huge people. And I think, you know, by all george michael was pretty sound but the rest of them like generally quite odd yeah and it's kind of it's sort of it's easier for them if if something awful happens to them if they just stop recording or they die then you're like your legacy is now complete you know we can look back on you fondly but it's like because she sort of keeps going and popping up occasionally she'll never die but it's like she keeps she'll pop up you know that famous thing at the beginning of the pandemic and she was in a bath full of rose petals and she's like oh we're all in the same boat now

and you're like your boat is filled with rose petals madonna it's not the same boat yeah yeah i i don't i get kind of cross with the whole oh she's mutton Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I get kind of cross with the whole, Oh, she's mutton dressed as lamb. Cause I don't like that phrase anyway. So it never bothered me that she was trying to be younger than she was. It would just bothered me that she,

I don't know. I just feel like she's very calculating and she's manipulating every conversation she has and just trying to get as much attention. Like now she just goes on. I forget the names of the Jimmy's. there's uh what are the jimmies oh jimmy kimmel and jimmy fallon yeah she was on jimmy fallon and she was just just saying sex to every question just to make jimmy kind of squirm and it's just i just thought grow up yeah it's like there's there's much more provocative things in the world now it's like you you did the bit where you talked about sex all the time and it was shocking yeah back in the sort of early 90s but like if you've seen the bin fire

that's the world right now like oh sex yeah really shocking yeah I just she just gets a real kick out of trying to shock people and it's not that shocking yeah i just she just gets a real kick out of trying to shock people and it's not that shocking yeah because you sort of hear some people who go oh yeah you know i was hanging out with david bowie yeah it turns out you know he's really dance worth really funny you never really hear that with madonna do you know never sort of go yeah we were on set one time she was cracking jokes and it's like you know i mean in some way it's nice that she's still got the aura around her of like you know mega stardom weirdo untouchable kind of person but also it's like yeah give it a rest now maybe just retire gracefully you know when people just buy into

the whole thing they've created about themselves like this like you say aura or myth or whatever and you just think just sing the song yeah it's that good people will buy it you don't need to be like Madonna yeah worship me it's okay to just be Madonna definitely yeah no I think it's a fair choice and just living with that level of diva in the on a on a desert island it's all turned to shit i mean it would take so long for her to become a normal person like i think other people could fall from grace more quickly and just sort of muck in and help build a fire and a shelter i just think she'd be like oh but the tuna at nobu is so much better and you're like yeah exactly come on come on where will i meditate well I meditate exactly in the sea Madonna it's a strong opening choice who's going to be joining the two of you um okay this one I can't name them but there is somebody who I have I don't even want

to say where I know them from because I'm scared that they'll be narrowed down it's somebody who is so pleasant there is nothing wrong with them and I don't know why I don't like them and that is horrible to me because not only am I really irritated but I have to feel really guilty about it and there's no one to share it with because everyone's like there's such a nice such a nice guy. And I just think, no! I think it's because they're such a nice guy, something makes me squirm about them a little. And it's a bit cheesy. Just too... There's no dark side.

There's no dark side to this person. And you need a bit of dark side. I just can't relate. Yeah, no, definitely, definitely. I think with people like that, when they're so nice, generally either you sort of meet them and then you kind of go oh actually they are really nice fuck okay yeah we'll have to change some things around in my head there or you find out that something mad is going on behind the scenes and that's that i mean that's always amazing when that happens it would be so satisfying if he just like pushed an old lady

in front of the bus or just something that would allow me to hate him the amount that i do he's just such a nice guy there's no reason for it and i wish i didn't feel that way but i just do so i think that would drive me slowly insane on an island yeah yeah i mean because the ideal is you all get along but i mean there's a point that you want to be able to sort of sit and crack a few jokes, especially if you're sort of trying to survive on a desert island and maybe you've eaten one of your crew. You know, you want to find some sort of dark humor there somewhere rather than just sort of relentless niceness. This person would just be like what a what a great guy i'd love to i'd love to say a prayer for him and just say what a thank you for your delicious uh sacrifice for us they'd just be

just so loving and oh i don't know what i might be describing my boyfriend i'm just i'm not talking about him but he's very calm and very pleasant at all times i think never gets wound up by anything. And that just infuriates me. I just feel like, where's your buttons? What's going to make you pop? Yeah, because there's a fine line between always happy and polite and pleasant and dull person. If you're not experiencing the same highs and lows as the rest of us,

then something's probably missing a little bit or, or you're bottling up so tight that something's going to happen one day. And, um, yeah, I think it's always awkward because again, it's like, it makes you the asshole.

Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean. I don't find my boyfriend annoying, but the, the thing about that just constantly placid and calm and isn't everyone and everything lovely and I just think no sometimes things are fucking annoying I wish you'd just be more honest about it

I mean if ever there's been an era in human existence where there's lots of examples of things not being that lovely I mean it's it's right now you know exactly it's like a huge tug of war between the forces of light and evil it is i think partly i feel jealous by these people because it's like because i'm the sort of person i'll just have a whole made-up argument with someone in my head whilst doing the washing up me too like and and i'm i'm infuriated and then i'm like wait they haven't i said these things to me like they didn't say that I'm I'm arguing with me fucking hell I'm wasting my time yeah but um so yeah Christ I'd love a bit of that zen but I think so would I but I think I'd like to think that even if I became really zen and easygoing

and upbeat I'd still like to have a bit of sort of edgeasm and something in there, you know? Yeah. It's a bit like I love Maya Angelou. Whenever I watch interviews with her, I just think, you're amazing. Like she's so wise and just engaging. But then I think I could not hang out with you because not every fart is poetic and meaningful and wise.

Yeah. And I think when you're dealing with madonna on the island exactly someone to vent to and if they're like hey but look she's from a different world than us you know like you can't judge her by normal people's standards and you go fucking like you know you're sort of digging your hands into a coconut you're so angry like crushing managed to split a coconut open with your hand yeah I think that'd be annoying it reminds me I remember once at uni I knew someone who was like the biggest hippie I had ever met to the point where like I'd seen him hug trees he'd always give you a hug for way too long even though I didn't really like him he'd be like oh

and you'd catch sight of your mate like he's still holding on to me you know he was just unrelentingly upbeat and positive and yeah he looked like he was from a sort of like he'd been plucked out of an ashram and just put into normal society then it turned out he was addicted to sleeping with sex workers the whole time oh my no wonder he was so calm he was really relieving a lot yeah and it's like right okay and you know you kind of think can we just go back and discuss the last few years of me putting up with you framed by this now and like can we just revisit a few things now please mate and you know you can't do it can you so i think there's always something lurking behind it's like

you say it's the psychological torture in your own head of of you trying to argue with yourself about what's wrong with this person and what's wrong with you and whose fault is it yeah why can't we get on exactly well i think a fine choice to add into the mix so right who's going to be the third person that's completing this triangle of pricks this is really really tricky because i thought i could go for an out and out prick or just someone really really irritating um I think I'm gonna go for an um somebody who does YouTube makeup tutorials and or Instagram influencing. Great okay well there's a lot to go on here so what is it in particular that you think would be annoying? Okay so the the rhythm of a youtube video almost any youtube video of someone putting on makeup it's just the same kind of um up and down uh again

and again uh just repeatedly and repeatedly and it doesn't matter what i'm saying it's just all of it goes kind of like up in the same way because i'm not actually saying anything of substance that would drive me insane over and over again on an island with madonna and a nice guy um and the kind of vocal fry and then the um the other thing that bothers me is i tend to find like when i come across those type of people in real life they don't communicate in anything but small talk and that just makes me feel so adrift i don't know how. I don't know how to do that because I hear myself talking and think, I'm so bored of myself. These people must be so bored of me.

I'm trying to do what they're doing. If I make a joke, they look at me like I'm a lunatic. Nobody gets it. So it's just, yeah, constant small talk in a repetitive, upbeat tone. Not upbeat, but like, you know. Yeah, the sort of jolly patter of it all. yeah there's a weird thing isn't it it's just that that sort of steady rhythm it's almost like they could be torturing you and they'd still do it in the same way it's like i'm just gonna go right ahead and take the scalpel and i'm just gonna go right ahead

and just put it into your eye right now and uh then we're just gonna go right ahead and just take one of these things and you're ah it's just yeah it's it's like again it's creepy it's too sort of i don't know it's just too sort of like rehearsed and normal and and i don't know just sort of too polished and weird i don't know yeah it's inauthentic yeah yeah that's the quicker way of saying what i'm rambling on about. No, I know exactly what you mean. Because what they're saying is irrelevant. They're just talking.

They're just happy that somebody's listening to them talking. This from a stand-up comedian. A massive hypocrite. No, but that's just different. I don't know. I'm just really curious how these people would get on an island. Cause I think it wouldn't take that long before they're just like talking to themselves next to a palm tree or something, you know,

like applying mud onto their faces and just talking at a tree or like, you know, like in a cast away, they've got Wilson, you know, and they're just sort of, they've made a little pet so they can just sort of talk to someone who they then get angry about because they haven't scheduled their tweets to go out at the right time or something but they need something there that they can continue you know like a wilson pa i love that yeah yeah you know like if a shark stops swimming they die and i just think these people like if they don't have an outlet for this stuff i just

i'm really curious to see what happens yeah I thought it would probably come out at the weakest of the bunch which would be me oh no it would be the nice guy oh I mean also they I mean they've got Madonna there to try and do makeup tutorials on um so that could go horrendously wrong I imagine um or like if they're just a general influencer, then there's the threat of being next to, you know, the biggest sort of most famous person or one of the most famous people of the last sort of 40 years or whatever. So that's going to cause a bit of, you know,

Madonna's not going to respect them because they're like this new type of famous that she doesn't enjoy. And they're just going to be sort of desperately trying to interact with mcdonald but i think with possibly spectacularly bad effects i bet they'd figure out how to um recharge their phone batteries though yeah if they if we were there with phones they'd figure out how to make sure they worked at all times yeah because i'm you know i'm a 40 year old man i have instagram i mainly post about the podcast occasionally my kids standard kind of boring social media presence and every time i try and do like a story or a reel or anything like that i'm like this is taking me

fucking ages how are these people just rattling these off all day like they must be spending so much time on these things yeah I would just find it really annoying I'd find it hard to take them seriously and yeah I think it would be very very frustrating it's a bit like I had a friend who um she'd invite me out for her birthday and uh you know when you kind of have little pockets of friends and then you've got somebody just kind of left field like but who's like one friend that you never really hang out with their friends so i would only see her friends on her birthday and we'd go out and everybody would stand in a line and somebody would take a picture and that would

happen like every five minutes and i just used to think you're not having a night to document you're just taking pictures of a night you're not having because you're taking pictures yeah and you all are tanned and i look like a freaking bleached elf on the end and i don't want to see myself but it's weird isn't it like that like i know people like that and i think i was there it wasn't like that yeah why can't we just have had a night out like this picture of you and this description is very much not what it was like. Exactly. You were absolutely shit-faced. This is not.

And you're just posting to your friends. So why does it matter? And after a while, I'm like, I feel like I can't say anything to these people. Like it's really, there's friends of mine on social media and it winds me up so much. I'm like, this is all bullshit. You must understand that. I'll save it. There's going to be plenty of opportunities over Christmas to dredge this up.

So we'll deal with it then. Yes. Enjoy. Take it out on the family. Why not? But I think you've got a very good starting trio here because i think the interplay between the characters which is always such an important thing in this podcast i think is as uh already i can see like things like not immediately but down the line things there's it's going to be

um yeah it's going to get annoying so yeah i think you're going to do well here all right now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad okay um my least favorite food so for this i have to pick a food that i love covered in the thing that i hate because i think that would be the most upsetting for me. So I've picked pizza drenched in and covered in coriander. Okay, coriander, right. It's disgusting and it shouldn't be in food. Isn't it one of those things that some people genuinely taste it differently to others or something? Yeah, it's apparently genetic.

And I'm not sure if it's a scent receptor or an actual taste receptor. But some people perceive some kind of chemical that makes it taste like soap to them and i must have that because it does taste like soap to me and it's not just like i oh i don't i don't like celery but i'll eat celery this is this is worse than that this is this shouldn't be in food what's happened here okay and yeah and it's covering your favorite food as well so and i mean you know i love it but it's a strong taste so you it's not something that you can disguise with a bit of extra cheese or something like you know it's all chopped up in there it's baked in yeah you know we know it's there and you can't get away from it i'd be so

upset there's not a day of my life i don't think about pizza and for me to be on a desert island and the pizza be there and it'd be covered in coriander you may as well just shit in my mouth that's how i feel about that i can imagine already madonna sort of explaining to you like why why you're wrong about it and um and you know the cleansing properties and and why traditional yogis believe so so strongly in the benefits of cilantro as she would call it yeah and you're just sitting there trying to pick out tiny bits of the pizza yeah also i mean it's a crap thing to be stuck with because even if you loved it i mean trying to eat enough of it to get any any nutrition is going to be fucking hard work i mean maybe it would actually become one of those things where if you just ate it enough because

don't they say that if you don't like something you have to eat eat it a certain number of times for your body to get used to it and for you to tolerate it yeah but i mean i think that depends a lot on the type of food because there's some things i tried when i was young and then i try again a bit older i'm like all right it's happened I like this now but olives it took me until I was like 35 to like olives and I tried them every time I saw them I was just about to say is one of them olives because olives as a kid I was like this this smells like manure which it still does but now suddenly it's delicious and I don't know why yeah I like them now and I like it used to be annoying because I'd like all the other things that were like an olive like you know little

sort of picky little deli bits that you'd get like all of that whole counter I was into but olives no and now suddenly it's like oh right okay well this is weird but that was I can't even I mean it must have been thousands of olives I tried until i started liking them now loads of little kids like olives everywhere like it's normal now it used to be like when i was growing up if a kid ate an olive he'd be like oh look at him and now it's just quite normal for children yeah like loads of kids like olives i don't know it's weird my two-year-old likes olives for fuck's sake i don't know what's going on oh my god maybe we're just changing society one olive at a time but yeah I think I think just like eating handfuls of coriander would always be difficult like it's one of my favorite herbs but I wouldn't eat like a handful

of it can I ask what it tastes like to you roughly I don't know I don't I can't think like I just I just I think because like, I love Asian food, you know, so like, it sort of just goes so well with all the things that I like, you know, from like curries to sort of stir fries and stuff. And it's kind of just in there and it's fresh and sort of, yeah, I don't know, a bit citrusy, I suppose. Citrusy? I don't know. I know it's hard to describe because to me, it's just coriander. I don't know if it's like, I'd try and say this tastes like coriander, but I don't know i know it's hard to describe because to me it's just coriander i don't know if it's like i'd try and say this tastes like coriander but i don't know what coriander tastes like i did have someone accuse me of being racist for not liking coriander on facebook i just

thought i just i don't think coriander is a race i'm just no i'm pretty sure i think we're good there this is weird right because i recently went out for dinner with my brother-in-law and i we went to a restaurant that only served natural wine, right? Which I have a bit of a problem with. It's like, I think they make it in a way that's got less additives and stuff. But I think I want to drink wine, so I don't care if it's got additives because it's booze get red wines that are sort of fizzy and i said to the waitress why is it that the reds are kind of a bit fizzy people who are into it seem to be very defensive about it and she said oh no that's not true at all saying that red natural red wines are fizzy it's a bit like uh associating certain races with certain talents or like certain skills and i was like what wow you went there really quickly and that seems like i mean maybe she's the same person that accused you of being racist about coriander that's a really weird

connection to make in your brain yeah and it was the first thing she said as well it wasn't like she had to think about it for a while she was just like bam that's like saying this group of people are good at doing this thing because you're generalizing and i was like fucking hell all right just pour the pour the wine then i think if we are if you ask any minority friend does racism feel the same as when i criticize red wine they'd say no probably not it was yeah unbelievable but it's weird that you said that like because it makes me think this person was commenting yeah I was commenting on your coriander thing so maybe she's very prolific in the in the race yeah yeah um okay well what are you going to try and wash the taste of coriander out of your mouth with what's your drink choice oh this one I didn't have to think about but it's embarrassing to talk about um

because I as a kid I've told this to so many people expecting them to go oh yeah and no one does so i had worms as a kid and then i had to have i don't know where you get worms or why but me and my sister both had worms and we had um we had to drink worm medicine maybe someone that listens to this has had to drink that worm medicine it was like a pink a thing and I think maybe it was supposed to be blackcurrant flavored but it was the most disgusting thing I've ever drunk in my life and then I remember like we were both sat at the table and I remember that it being in a beaker so it's I was obviously quite young and it's scarred me for life and me and my sister my mum had water shipped down on in the

living room and we'd started watching that but then we had to go and sit at the table and have worm medicine and we weren't allowed to leave the table until we'd finished the worm medicine but as a reward we could I we used to love these flintstone crisps and mum said as soon as you finish the worm medicine you can have a packet of flintstones crisps and you can come and watch the film so my sister finished and then went back in the living room and I took forever and then eventually I finished the worm medicine had my little Flintstones crisps and went back into the living room and all the rabbits were dying and there was sad songs and blood everywhere it's just yeah it's not a nice place in my heart for worm medicine and i just will remember the

taste forever it's gross i mean even even the name worm medicine is horrible i know there's a lot of pathways and tunnels in my brain to get to that that point and they're all unpleasant so yeah do you know what i think it actually might have been picked once before really so yeah i think a very long time ago i love that yeah so it's obviously like it's not just bad medicine it's really like rooted in the the psyches of various kids across the uk i'm so happy to hear that because i just really thought it was like nits like every child has nits and so i said do you remember worm medicine everyone's like you had worms that's disgusting yeah do you know what i've i thought the other day about this and i was like because i've got two two small boys and i was thinking

fuck i'm gonna have to deal with this at some point probably like yeah i can't remember it myself but like i remember it being talked about when i was young so it must have happened but like yeah i just we get like little texts from the school going oh be aware this is happening in the school right now there's a case of head lice or something and every time i see my son that itch something i'm like you're right you you you're just having a normal scratch okay like you're just you're itching your bum is it the side of your it's just the bum cheek. Okay, that's all right. You are potentially riddled with parasites. Yeah.

Grubby little boy. And my eldest loves like this, it's like he listens to these story tapes when he goes to sleep. But one of them, like he really likes factual ones and one's all about the human body, this Adam Kay one.

And so he's always just going, Daddy, do you know how many bacteria are in your poo? And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, sometimes it's quite interesting. Sometimes I just don't want to think about all the shit that's living in my body. That's so sweet, though, that he's actually that knowledgeable. Yeah, and it's quite weird.

I'm like, where did you find this out? And it's like, yeah, sort of just seeping into his brain. But yeah, hopefully it's just information seeping into his brain and not any kind of parasites that are out there. There'll be some in a primary school somewhere. Yeah. I mean, on a desert island, that's absolutely parasitic territory. So, you know, you might even have to drink the medicine at some point

just to sort of keep going. But yeah, imagine givingonna her worm medicine madonna would never come back from the table she'd never get to see the end of water ship down she'd never have it well we probably are the end of water ship down on our desert island or she'd take it and kill you all so that no one could ever find out the words madonna took her worm and oh she'd try and make it some kind of newfangled cleansing treatment she'd reframe it yeah sending smoke signals to gwyneth paltrow to sort of get them get the message out there goop okay kate fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island yeah Yeah. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Okay, my least favourite song, I think, this one was really tricky, but I think it has to go to, I don't even know who it's by, but it just goes, My ting from barking 7am in the morning I'm yawning she's stalling and it just goes on and on and on same

lyrics same non-tune and you know when you just think what made you think that was worth writing a song about like it's just got less passion than than silence but it's the most boring i just who cares go go to barking shag it i don't care but i just don't want to listen to you mumble about it for three minutes yeah i think i know the one you mean as well and it is just it's very one note isn't it and has it got a bit of like vocal processing on it? So it's that sort of weird. Oh yeah. It's the auto-tuned. Vocoder kind of thing.

I don't know. Not that you have to auto-tune one note, but they do. Maybe before they put the effect on, it was like, you know, like opera. And it was like. Maybe it was good. So yeah, less passion.

Give me less passion. I can't. I can't give you less passion, bro. All right, don't worry. I'll fix it in post yeah just really like flatten that out for you yeah you could just uh i'll try and get rid of the joy later on if i can sort of thing i hear it going past me in cars a lot that kind of song you know yeah it's always in the back of a car yeah yeah it's just very repetitive and just passionless and boring as fuck yeah yeah that

whole era and like it makes me feel so old and sound so old when i criticize it but it's you know like because i used to love hip-hop and r&b and stuff when i was young and it's like ah this is so dull it is so there's nothing exciting was young and it's like, this is so dull. It is dull. There's nothing exciting about it. It's not the, well maybe it is the auto-tuned genre, but like, yeah, it's not the genre, it's that, it's the lack of passion. I just think, well then why bother?

Like if you can't be asked to have an emotion or a tune, why release a single? Yeah, and it's not like you can even say like oh is it is it good to get stoned to because like you can get stoned and listen to really good hip-hop like i don't you know that's what i used to do anyway i don't know like is it is it in this mumble rap era because it's like that's a genre isn't it it's called mumble rap there's a thing i don't know if this song is part of that but i'd say so probably there but that's the only word apart from like there's a little bit where he says like i've got white teeth and lots of money and you're like great again thanks for letting me know

in the same note that the rest of the song is in yeah is it is it because you've got lots of money you've got such white teeth is like you're boasting about how much you can spend on dental, dental care. Cause they are, you know, it's expensive. Like I spent a lot last year getting my teeth sorted and like, you know,

maybe if I was a rapper, it's something I'd brag about. Cause I don't go out much. I haven't got, you know, it's not like, Oh, I've got all these cars and I haven't got the room,

you know, outside. So maybe that's just what you, I've got really good teeth, bro. You know, I think you should, you should release a single bro you know i don't know i think you should i think you should release a single yeah you don't need to have anything more to say that'll do

yeah okay well that's hope for me yeah um yeah okay so you're on the island with this it's you know it's a boring song the upbeat person's gonna keep sort of going oh well you know i think you need to try and delve into it a bit more and understand it yeah that's going to wind you up more yeah um the instagram influencer probably loves it and you know trying to teach you the dance yeah madonna's just going to be like what the fuck is going on with all of this or she'll try and be sort of so current and now that she's really into it as well yeah i don't know yeah she'll probably just be annoyed they don't mention her name in it yeah that's true yeah i mean yeah i probably don't know who she is these days so yeah fair enough yeah it's these sort of songs that like don't really say anything but they say

enough to get stuck in your head for quite a long time don't they and yeah i don't know just like get out of my head get out of my head space there are things i need to be doing and whether or not you link your ting from barking it's not one of the things I need to be doing. And whether or not you link your ting from barking is not one of the things I need to be thinking about. Yeah. I want to hear about the ting from barking side as well. You know, I wonder if they want to be linked. Oh, she called him.

So she does. Oh, I've checked that out. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. Good. I'm glad there's a resolution. What would your film choice be? Oh, shit then what would your film choice be?

oh shit what would my film choice be oh hang on easy Lord of the Rings okay good good what is it about Lord of the Rings that annoys you so much? I don't know why I'm supposed to like it I fell asleep watching it

twice and it's so long and everybody just thinks it's amazing and I want asleep watching it twice and it's so long and everybody just thinks it's amazing. And I want to like it, but I just, it bores me. I don't understand. I'm not seeing what other people are seeing with it. No, no. And there's so many of them. Yeah.

I remember seeing it when it came out. My friend was like a real film geek at uni and he was like, oh yeah, but like, it's going to be amazing. Come and see it. And I thought, okay, well, I never really got on with the books when i was young but yeah all right it's a film so that's easier for a start yeah and then just me and him went and saw it and afterwards he was really effusive about it and going on about how brilliant it was and i was saying it was shit and i thought well it's just me and him and then i'm pretty sure you know like i'm right though and

then everyone started seeing it and going mad for it and it's like oh we're all hung over let's watch all of the lord of the ring films and you go what the fuck and i just have to go and wait outside for nine hours like this you know you just feel so at odds with everything it's like yeah what the fuck is this i know exactly what you mean and i feel exactly the same it's just this odd need to like it and i don't i can't i can't see it yeah i don't care about any of the people they're taking too long to do whatever the fuck it is they need to do yeah whatever they're traversing it's it's a drag yeah who cares it doesn't matter i don't want to be sort of like i can easily suspend my disbelief with like sci-fi films and fantasy films and stuff you know and and kind of you know buy into the passion and the sort of like oh god

if they don't do this very important thing everything's fucked you know and i know it's not real yeah yeah but yeah lord of the rings i'm like literally can't give a give a toss just keep keep walking don't mind you know yeah that's the thing i think if you if you've got magic and uh i don't know amazing fantastical landscapes you should be more i should be able to stay awake for the whole thing yeah yeah i mean for some people it is that but it's a real like i don't really meet anyone who just thinks it's all right. It's just such a Marmite thing, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, well, I think that's good. I think, you know, to have on the desert island, we're going to have to give you the full box set of all three. Well, there's more than three, aren't there? But we'll give you a massive box set of them to watch just to really, really hammer it home. All right, Kate. Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick

of all the animals which animal is it and why oh dear um does it have to be overrun is it like a like a stampede there's loads of them yeah i mean it doesn't have to be stampeding they can be i mean if it's like there's just a lot of them on the island. There's too many of these things. Okay. This is really tricky because I'm torn between mosquitoes that make me really angry and dogs, but I love dogs, specifically dogs that don't love me and want to be petted by me. Okay. Because especially if they love Madonna and they love the influencer, but they don't want to be petted by me okay because especially if they love madonna and they love they love the influencer but they don't want to be petted by me that would upset me okay i go up to dogs in the pub

constantly that aren't mine and try and try and force them to love me and when they don't it's very hurtful yeah all right so i think i like this angle. So like an island of dogs that are just indifferent to you. Yeah. And Madonna's sort of being followed by a huge pack of dogs. Yeah. The influencer has a smaller herd and none of them want to be near you. Exactly. Yeah.

Because they've got so much potential to cheer you up and calm you down and make you happy but they're just not interested in you yeah being snubbed by man's best friend by madonna's best friend yeah i'd be very sad yeah that would be good as well because they could also be quite useful couldn't they and just yeah i mean apart from like with your mood you sort of get them to help i don't know sort of fetch things and just yeah just play with and stuff yeah just just you throwing a stick that's never returned it's like the stick's broken doesn't even work oh wait let me try oh it works for you okay wilson pa is not doing anything for me either just yeah alone on the island yeah oh i like the idea of that brilliant all right

well kate i think you you've done a really great job putting together an awful collection of people and things to torment you for the rest of time or at least until rescue if that does happen but so so well done um and uh you know where can people follow you and find out what you're up to? Most of my social media things are at KateLucasComedy. My website is katelucascomedy.co.uk and usually my gigs and stuff are on there if you ever want to come and see. You probably just think I'm a horrible person after this, but if you want to come to comedy, feel free.

It's absolutely the point of the podcast. If you were too nice on here, it really becomes quite a lot of work. So it's much better that you just lean into it. Thank you for being such a cunt. It's given me so much to love. Well, otherwise, it's just me being a cunt, and that doesn't work, you know.

Thank you so much for coming on today. It's been a real pleasure. Thanks for having me, cheers Kate Lucas there for your listening pleasure and I hope you enjoyed that episode as I say if you're in Edinburgh for the festival this month, then do go and check out her show. And yeah, I think that's it.

Let's keep it short and sweet. Desert Island Dicks is a Sync Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon. It was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. I edited it as well, although sometimes we call on the able hands of Chris Attaway to edit it and it usually sounds better as a result. Also, big shout as always to the big man, John Deacon, for all his help and support. I think that's it. Yeah, that's it. Thank you for

downloading this. As always, you can subscribe and then you won't miss any episodes. We'll be back with more episodes soon. If you want to get in touch with us you can do so by going to at dixpod on twitter or instagram and if you want to send us something a bit more lengthy with a bit more meat on it then you can go to dixpod.com contact all right thanks again for listening we'll be back soon with more podcasts have a week free of dicks bye