Desert Island Dicks - KERRY GODLIMAN

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Actor, comedian and Task Master champion Kerry Godliman joins Harriet to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! We're now on Patreon! And so if you want more from Desert Island Dicks head over there for early access, ad free listening and bonus episodes - find us here: https://www.patreon.com/c/user?u=24332430 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. I'm Harriet Kemsley and I'm very excited to be the new host. We've got a great episode today. We've got one of my favourite comedians and people, Kerry Godleman. She's on telling us who she would hate to be stranded on a desert island with. Come and see me on tour if you're around in the next few weeks. I am in Leicester, Warwick, Norwich, Corsham, Bristol. And then at the end of the month, I have a run at the Soho Theatre with my new show. Everything always works out for me

because last year it didn't. All tickets are available at harrietkemsley.com. So come and see me live. And we've got a new Patreon coming out. So if you want bonus content, we're going to do episodes where me and James talk about our dicks of the fortnight and we will get you guys to send in things that you hate and that you would not want to be stuck

on a desert island with so we'll be reading those out um so we're going to be having a fun time with bonus content there so if you want to support the podcast and listen to that you can sign up there is a link in the description of the podcast page so head over there and we've got some great episodes coming up we've got zoe lyons we've got andrew maxwell we've got jacob hawley darren harriott so make sure you follow the podcast and if you have a chance to give us a nice little review and we wouldn't mind that enjoy the podcast this week with kerry Godleman. Hi, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who are they and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today

is Kerry Godleman. Hello Kerry. Hello. I'm so happy you're here, I'm so excited. I'm very excited, I can't wait. She's come fresh from the hygienist. I know, my teeth look so good. Perfect for an audio medium. Yeah, lovely, beautiful teeth. Thank you, they're clean. How are you doing? I'm very well, thank you. Kids are back at school now, so I feel kind of like... Oh, you're free.

I'm free. Life is back. Yeah, summer's done. Mine went back to nursery yesterday and it's just life changing. Yeah, it's liberating. It is like... It's like January, isn't it? It's a new year. It is sort of a new year. It is like, it's like January, isn't it? It's a new year. It is sort of a new year.

It feels like that, yeah. Yeah, she had two weeks off nursery, and I just, it was only two weeks, but it just felt so intense, and I had to potty train her in that two weeks. I felt so guilty. Oh, so it wasn't much of a holiday. Yeah, but I was just keeping her inside

and just making her wander around naked and putting her on a potty. Like, that's no life. No, it's hard. No, yes. But you did it. I did it. I think it's 90%. Thank you. Yeah. Like, that's no life. No, it's hard. But you did it. I did it. I think it's 90%.

Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, she's out there. That deserves a congratulations. She's nappy-less. Yeah, great. And, yeah. They can go knicker shopping.

I know. It's quite sweet. I know, it's really sweet. They're so cute. Yeah, yeah. I want little knickers with Bluey on, you know? Like, they don't make them in my size. So, Kerry, we're here on the desert island,

and we're looking for the worst possible things you could be marooned with. Yeah. There's been a terrible crash. You've survived. Great. Congratulations. Thank you. I think you do.

I can see you. You're quite scrappy, I think. Yeah, I reckon. Well, it's a bit sad everyone else didn't make it. Yes, it I think you do. I think you'd, I can see you. You're quite scrappy, I think. Yeah, I reckon. Well, it's a bit sad everyone else didn't make it. Yes, yes, it is sad.

Yeah. We'll assume none of your loved ones were on it. You were on a work trip. Yeah. Maybe some comics. You're not fussed about. You're quite emotional. Yes,

yes. Just some people you're not really. But as a hypothesis to get this conversation going, I'll go with it. Yes, we can really put ourselves in the mindset. Maybe some like gatekeepers of the comedy circuit, they went down with the plane.

And you're just now... Let's not name them. We're not going to name them. We wouldn't. And now you're on a desert island. Who is the first person that would be the worst person that you could be trapped with? I struggle.

All the other categories, I was like fun and playful. Yes. People. It feels a bit mean. I'm trying to like, fun and playful. Yes. People. It feels a bit mean. I'm trying to not go in too hard. Yes. With anyone that I know.

Yes. Yes. I think that's wise, Carrie. I think that's wise. Yes, you're making good choices. So I thought I'd go for, and then anyone too obvious. If you go in high and big like Trump, you're like, that's too broad. That's too big.

Of course, you don't want to be with that guy. Yes. So it's trying to find a sort of archetype. Your person. The person that doesn't bring out the best in me. Yes. And I think I'd firstly go for Monty Don. Because I'm a keen gardener.

Yes. But I wouldn't say I was a good gardener. I'm an enthusiast. I'm an amateur. Yes. Right. It's my hobby. I was a good gardener. I'm an enthusiast. I'm an amateur. Yes. Right? It's my hobby. It's not my job.

Lovely, lovely Monty Don is the worst person. Oh. Is he lovely though? Is he? Is he a bit passive aggressive, would you say? Okay. Would you say he's a bit judgy, a bit condescending? Yes.

A bit smug. I'm seeing him in a whole new level. Yeah, well. Because I watch Gardener's World every week. Yeah. And gardening's hard. It's hard. Do you know what I mean?

It's not as easy as Monty makes it out to be. So he kind of digs and all the soil just falls away. And he puts his hand in and he's got all these plants. And I'm like, who's buying these plants, Monty? Do you think it's pre-dug soil? It's definitely pre-dug soil. It's been treated. It's got like, he's got a team.

He occasionally alludes to this team. But I think, where are they? Let me see them. Let me look into their eyes. Because you're making out you're achieving all this. Yes. And I just, I feel that it's not helpful to sort of make out that you're that good at gardening. Yes.

When the rest of us are scrabbling around, I'm not that good at it. But I like it, but I'm not that good at it. And I like, the slugs are eating everything, the weather's awful, and you're making it look easy. And that's winding me up. Yes. So you would prefer a programme where someone was really terrible at gardening. Yes.

Do they get there at the end or there's just... Well, you win some, you lose some. That's gardening. Some make it, some don't. And I just don't see enough evidence of that in Monty Dog. There's no element of danger watching. No jeopardy. You know it's going to end well.

You want some more jeopardy in your garden. His garden looks amazing. And I'm like, this isn't realistic. What's your garden like? I do have a lovely garden, but a lot of things are dead. A lot of things don't make it. Like, for example, I've got really a lot of strong feelings around dahlias. I plant them every year.

And every fucking year, Harriet, they don't make it. I never get the blooms. Slugs get them. The weather's shit. I go on holiday and then I come back and they're all dead or eaten. And I think, Monty I why are we not covering this why are we not addressing this why do I not feel seen by Monty Dove move on to a different flower yeah definitely definitely because that's the thing I think you need to know when to

let go yes and maybe Monty's teaching me that yeah how would you how would you garden on a desert island do you think you'd be able to grow food or whatever? I don't know. That would be useful, wouldn't it? I'd like to think of myself as being able to grow some vegetables and some edibles and things like that. I'd need the seeds. Yeah, I'd like to do a bit of gardening on a desert island. But then if Monty Don was there, it would actually be useful for you. Or we'd have to have boundaries.

We'd have to have a lot of boundaries. I'd be like, okay, Monty, give me the good stuff. Give me the info. And then go away. Yeah, yeah. And don't look at me. Yeah. And don't judge me.

Yeah, that's what you're afraid of is judgment. Very interesting. Yeah, I don't want to be judged. Because sometimes my dad will come around because Monty Dom is kind of like

an archetype of a lot of blokes of maybe that generation. Yes, so maybe he's triggering something. Yes, a bit of a mansplaining stitch. So my dad will come round and I'll think, oh, my garden looks lovely and I'd like a congratulations.

But he will find one thing that is not so good. He'll find those dahlias. Yeah, he'll find the dahlias. He'll find the courgettes that don't appear to have harvested. All the little things. And he'll be like, oh, you should have done it. And I i'm like can you just say the good things yes let's celebrate the things that have worked out yes because it's not my job it's just fun it's just meant to be a nice time just meant to be having fun yes i think we found this is less about monty don and about some

childhood trauma um but i think i think that's good i think we've uncovered it yeah yeah so okay so monty don's not going to be there. Well, he would be there because he's the worst. Who would be the second person? Well, it's, oh again, I'm really struggling to not be a bitch when picking people.

So I'm trying to think who could, I don't think, I think I'd struggle to connect with Andrew Tate. I don't think you're being a bitch. I think you can slag off Andrew Tate. I don't want to go route one. I know he's not popular among women.

Agree to disagree, Kerry. I know a lot of blokes don't like him either. But I think if you're trying to make me, force me to think of people I'd really hate to be with, that's the premise of this conversation. Yes. I'm going to have to go in hard. I'd really, I really wouldn't like to hang out with Andrew Tate. Yeah. If you wouldn't mind.

Yeah, I love that you started with Monty Don and then the second one was Andrew Tate. Well, that's how comedy works, isn't it? You go large, you go small, You go large, you go small. You go hard, you go soft. So I went with Monty Don, keep it light. Yeah, keep it light. And then I thought I'd go in hard with Andrew Tate. Quick hard turn, Andrew Tate.

Yes, I do get that. I think that, I mean, he's a sex pest. He's a predator. A predator. So any predator, really. I don't think I'd want to be on a desert island with a sex pest predator. If you don't mind, please. If you don't mind awfully.

Can I not be with a sex pest? I just think we'd argue and argue and argue. That's all I'll say. Let's just say we have some real differences in opinion. Fundamentally, I don't think we'd get on. Yes. Yes, I think that's fair. But maybe you'd change him.

I don't know. Maybe you'd change him. It would be exhausting. I don't think so. He'd see your gardening. He'd think, actually, women aren't so bad after all. I think I'd confirm all his opinions. You'd make Andrew Tate even worse. I'd I'd confirm all his opinions. You'd make

Andrew Tate even worse. I'd make him hate women more. Which would be quite an achievement. Yeah, that would be an achievement. Okay, so we've got Monty Don, we've got Andrew Tate. Who's the third? I'm struggling with the third. I didn't want to go all blokes.

Tempting though it is. I'm just going to look all blokes. Tempting though it is. Just look at who I came up with because I've forgotten. Oh, I've got two options. I am going to have to pin it down, aren't I? Well, I wasn't going to go all blokes. Liam Gallagher was my sort of possible third. Wow, yes. I just think he'd get on my nerves.

I think I'd find him irritating. He's kind of like quite monosyllabic. Yes. I loved Oasis in the 90s. They've been in the news lately, haven't they? So I don't know. I think I'd find him irritating he's kind of like quite monosyllabic yes I loved Oasis in the 90s they've been in the news lately haven't they so I don't know

are you going to go see them no of course I'm not no because I'm not mad you've never spent 400 pounds for a ticket no

I haven't got time to sit on the internet waiting I know people spend all day and then just didn't get anything no quite and then when they did get through it was like oh you thought it would be 100.

Yeah. But actually it's 300. And it's like, I did see them once. I mean, this isn't an anti-EOA. Because the other person, see now you're going to be, because I have got another person. Look, Kerry, let's do it. Okay. A Kardashian?

I don't think. Yes. Okay. Should I go down that road? Well. Is there less to say? I mean, I think, I don't know if Yes. Okay, should I go down that road? Well... Is there less to say? I mean, I think... I don't know if they're the most practical.

I don't think they'd be any help. They're not bringing much to the table. No, they're not. You do need someone with some actual sort of skills, and I think they'd... I'd be like, Kim! Get off your arse!

I think she'd get on my nerves. And obviously, it would be quite fun to watch her regime collapse. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Obviously, without all the...

The help. The help. It would be quite interesting. That's a show. Let's get the Kardashians marooned on an island. Yeah.

They don't think their series is going to last much longer. Right. Get them on an island. Get them doing some stuff. If they start looking real, I might be interested

in watching that. Yes, I imagine her face might collapse. It would collapse, definitely. Gravity would definitely kick in. Yes. And there'd be no makeup. There'd be no...

No phone. The withdrawal from the phone. Yeah, you wouldn't be able to do all that. So yeah, I think it would be challenging to hang out with her in her famous sort of persona.

But actually, you're right, it might be quite fun to watch. I think she might become real because there is something I do quite like about them. I know you're not meant to and I know that you're a bit brainwashed,

but I do love that it's a family show and they are all, it's very sweet and they're all a family and they all spend all this time together yeah do you see what i mean it's just i i don't i don't it's not my cup of tea and i know we're all different and isn't that a lovely thing to celebrate yeah but it's just not Not my thing. That excessive vanity. Yes. Hyper vanity. That kind of like grand scale self-obsession. On that scale, I find a tiny bit disgusting.

Whereas I love that. It's just a teacher of revolting. Yeah. And so I guess on a desert island, you don't want somebody that's going to just be thinking about themselves. It needs to be teamwork. Yeah, come on, Kim. Get off your ass. Yes, and I'm not sure that Liam would be doing very much. Liam would be grumpy.

He'd be kicking a can or something. Yeah, be in a mood the whole time. And argumentative and cantankerous. So I think I'd find him quite annoying. Do you think, I don't know, he does seem to get a lot of people pregnant though do you think do you think I should aim to get pregnant I don't know

I don't know yeah and then I did used to fancy him when I was young that's what I'm saying yeah I was trying to dig around in my memories of people that have just not brought out the best in me and because I was young in the 90s, I flirted with a lot of blokes like Liam Gallagher.

And I now that I'm 50, look back and think, what a fucking waste of time. What a waste of time trying to win over those blokes. Those kind of laddy, stupid, irritating, kind of sexy. He was very charismatic, but essentially a bit annoying and boring i wasted a lot of time flirting with blokes like liam gallagher that's why i was sort of reviewing yeah what makes us want these guys it's got to be a primal thing it's got to be some sort of weird primal urge. Why are we attracted to grumpiness?

I don't know. Why do you want to win him over? Yeah, if they don't like you, you want to change their minds. And I know what I'm like around people like that. I go full clown. That's the last thing he wants. I don't think that would bring out the best in Liam. I go like, Liam, Liam, Liam, Liam.

I try and make him laugh because I'm not good at the whole being... This is the most stressful island. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm trying to garden. Monty's patronising me. Liam's like ignoring me

and I'm trying to flirt with him and he's ignoring me. And Andrew Tate, don't get me started on that. Yeah, you've got to watch out for him. Yes. Yeah, so it's quite a blokey. That's when maybe I should let Kim in.

Let Kim in, yeah. Yeah, let her in. Do you think she's the particular Kardashian that's the... I'm not familiar with the others. Who are the others again? I think it's more what it represents than individual personality. She began it. I'll be honest, I don't know her.

She's the ringleader. She started it. I think it's what it represents. Well, then it should be Kris, maybe Kris Jenner. She's the one that began it she's the ring she's the ringleader she started it i think it's what it represents well then it should be chris maybe chris jenner she's the one that began it all really yeah i'm learning this is a learning she gave birth to them right and so she's the ultimate creator right right yeah so her get her out get her in there yeah okay well i've learned something we've all learned something kerry i don't know what it is but I've learnt something. We've all learnt something, Kerry. I don't know what it is, but we've learnt something. Okay, now, Kerry. Mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane,

there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I think I'm going to go for butter beans. I hate them. I hate them. They're so bland, though. They're bland. They're claggy.

They get in the back of your throat, and they're so claggy. And I don't mind a legume. I'm happy with a legume. What's your favourite legume? I like cannellini. I like a cannellini bean. Is cannellini that different to butter bean? Well, that's an interesting point, isn't it?

Why am I so available to a cannellini, but very anti-butter bean? Why? Why? Because essentially they're not dissimilar. I think I was forced to eat them as a child. All these resistances, dig around in your past, there'll be an anecdote. Well, a cannellini, I guess,

is a bit more glamorous. Is a cannellini the baked bean? I'm not sure. I think I can kind of see them in a deli. Or a flash of a thing. Yeah, and so they're a bit glamorous. They weren't happening in childhood. A butter them in like a deli or something. Or a flash delay. Yeah, and so they're a bit glamorous. They weren't happening in childhood, you know. Like a butter bean is like a staple of British food. Yeah.

Whereas we weren't, that kind of stuff wasn't happening, you know. They're just too big. Also, when you open the jar, there's a smell. Oh, really? Because I haven't got involved in them for years. Really? There's a strong, you have to rinse them off and there is a strong smell. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, it's another good reason to not to not want them i think they're awful i mean i got a cookbook uh for a present that was like oh it's a total legume melt meltdown too many legumes are you vegetarian yeah i am so people just want to push legumes on you all the time yeah they do they do. And I don't like a kidney bean as well. I'll throw that in the mix. Oh, really? So when I make a chilli, I don't put kidney beans in it.

Radical, I know. Wow. I like black beans. I like flageolet. Black bean and kidney beans, I'm sorry. No, they're completely different. These beans are so similar.

Yeah, they're very different. No, a kidney bean is too, the skin's too thick. Yeah. They get stuck in the back of your throat. They're too big. A black bean is tiny. Yeah. So so i've learned so much about beans and that you know there's an island i imagine there'll be beans like that's the kind of stuff you're gonna be eating isn't it yeah um being

vegetarian it is so hard i went to this um restaurant once it's in faversham near where i'm from and it um it's like maybe they'd only kind of recently gotten to vegetarian cooking and um the starter was um beetroot right and the main was um beetroot risotto and the dessert was um beetroot brownie and i think they just they had beetroots and by the third time you're just like this is guys come on please i can't do a third beetroot thing i cannot so when you eat a lot of beetroot your piss looks uh It's red. So if you don't remember... Is that so that I've never eaten enough of that to happen?

So if you forget that you've had beetroot and you look down and you go... There's blood in my piss! It's not. It's not. It's just... And then if it happens the next day, then you should go and check it out.

It's the beetroot. It's the beetroot starter of main and pudding. It's the funny words, isn't it? Okay, got so many feelings. We're learning a lot. We were learning. This is the what it was. Okay, God, so many feelings towards a little butter bean. This is the best kind of podcasting, Harriet, because we're learning. That's it, we're learning.

It's really nice when you have strong feelings or something, because I have a lot of strong feelings on food, and it's just really nice to hear other people's, because I always feel like I'm being fussy or difficult. Do you think it's so odd that you're vegetarian and that's one of the things that could help you? Yeah, and I don't like fake meats and all that. That's why you do have to get involved in the lagoons.

Wow. You don't like any of the fake meats? I don't. I'll eat them. I mean, I'm not putting them on the island. Yeah. But there's a lot of weird shit in them, isn't there? Like what's in them?

What is corn? What is it? Who is corn? Who is corn? Who is it? Because I know who Linda McCartney is. Yes. That's the person I can connect with.

Yeah. Who is corn? There was a period when I thought it was an animal, like a corn was an animal, and then it really goes in the face of vegetarian cooking. Yeah, it doesn't work. That's chaos. It does sound like it could be, doesn't it?

Could be. Could be a creature. But yeah, I quite like the veggie sausages, but no, I do agree. They're fake chicken, and when they try and make them look like the things, like, I don't need blood to come out. What are we doing?

It's probably beetroot, though. That's beetroot. Oh, again. Again, I can't escape it. It's everywhere. And what about drink? What's your worst drink? I think I'm going to have to, in this moment in time,

I'm just going to have to put in wine. What? I know. I know. What happened to you? I think I just aged. Oh aged and like i can't drink wine anymore and i've drank a lot of wine a lot of wine you've done your time i feel like i've done wine like that will do like i can't tolerate it anymore it just doesn't make me happy or drunk

it just goes straight to making me feel like shit once you get to that you've got to let it go haven't you can you have one glass uh sometimes it depends if the wind's at my back I can enjoy one glass it's a gamble Harriet it's a gap you don't know which way it's gonna go and also sometimes like I went out with a friend for a meal recently and it was a lovely summer's evening and and I wasn't going to drink. And then I saw this woman drinking a glass of wine. Often it's about the aesthetic, isn't it? That's it. And I saw this woman drinking a glass of wine.

And I thought, she looks happy and that looks beautiful, so I'm going to have a glass of wine. I forgot that wine doesn't make me look like her or feel like her. It makes me... It just made me angry and sad. And I just can't drink it anymore so what can you still drink you're still struggling through I can I can drink beer I still quite like beer uh but there does come a point where maybe you get to a situation where you think maybe it's over maybe we're done with booze I've got to make the most of it. But enjoy it while you can.

That's my advice. And I definitely did. I mean, I don't really remember much of the 90s. I was pissed from quite a lot of it. I think you did have a run in with Liam Gallagher. I very well could have. Maybe that's why you have strong feelings. Yeah, maybe.

I do think there is a difference between what you drink. Because I never drink, like doing the Edinburgh Festival, I never drink wine because it makes me sleepy or you feel a bit foggy, but I can always have a vodka before I go on stage. Yeah, different drinks bring different things. And I can keep drinking vodka throughout the night. So that's my recommendation for anyone doing a fringe festival, just have a few vodkas every night

and you can just keep going. Yeah, and I've heard tequila's very good as well. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's the clear... It's the clear stuff and it's the sugar from the wine. It's very acidic wine. I find that it gives me a pretty quick headache. Yeah, that's it. It's the clear stuff. And it's the sugar from the wine. It's very acidic wine. I find that it gives me a pretty quick headache. Yeah, that's it.

The hangovers are worse. The hangovers are so bad. So I am, before I went to Edinburgh, I am, you know, Sophie Willen. She has, she can drink so well. And she came over and she bought two bottles of Carver. And so we had one bottle of Carver. And then we had a second bottle of Carverver and then we had a second bottle of carver and then we had a third bottle of carver and like i can't drink like that but she's like but you

just you trust you just trust her you just think people can i can do this and she can she the next day woke up got on with her life went to be in queue i vomited for 12 hours oh god i took i had mabel i had to take her to the park i was holding her hand vomiting in a bush and then a woman walked past and she said are you okay and I and then she said are you pregnant and I said yes because I was so ashamed I was so ashamed and embarrassed I was holding my child's hand and vomiting in a bush because I was so hungover oh my god it's so dangerous yeah because my hangovers it's like if I just tip over it's the next day i will i will vomit for 12 hours but why take that risk i mean that's an extreme outcome yeah and that is like i just i

just don't want to gamble anymore with that like kind of it could be all right i might get away with it but i don't think i will mostly you have terrible hangovers or is it more the fear about your behaviour? No, it's the hangovers. They're like dark, difficult. Your mood. Yeah. Like really depressed. Like you could section me

I think on a, like a bad hangover. It's bad. It's like it opens doors that I don't, I want closed. I'd prefer them to stay closed. Because people think of alcohol

as this kind of social lubricant and blah, blah, blah. And definitely I've had that. Like, I'm not being an anti-alcohol. But I just think I've come to a point where I can't do it anymore. It just isn't worth the risk. And it's got worse as you've got older. Definitely.

Yeah, I've aged out of booze. My friend went to her 50th recently, a weekend away with a bunch of women. And she said everyone's wash bag had hrt and mdma in it and i think it might be time to move on from alcohol to something else hard drugs yeah it's time for drugs yes like hallucinogenics bit of micro dosing like mushrooms and stuff maybe just something else wine's not cutting it anymore wine doesn't do the good stuff you know what i love is these they in america they have these vape pens these like weed pens and they're so good my friend um melissa got me one you can just buy them um from like um

pharmacies and stuff not pharmacies um like i don't know what they're called like they have these special shops yeah yeah and um you take a couple of tokes and i i took a couple of tokes on the beach i fell asleep for 45 minutes i woke up i took another toke i went in the sea i fell over in the sea and i was just lolloping and rolling in the waves what's happening it's like i don't know but i'm having the time of my life but you're having a good time having a wonderful time we got cookies afterwards we went like it was just perfect oh well that does sound lovely yeah but like weed over here isn't so good not that i've ever smoked it over here but um where it is illegal yeah but it is um it's not

as it's not you don't get that there are different ways to get high there are different ways to have fun cold water swimming well no but we're talking about

oh yes yes but I just think wine nature trees but the whole culture around wine and Prosecco o'clock

and blah blah blah all that shit that can go that's gotta go I don't really I'm not down with wine anymore. It's not your friend anymore.

Not really. And I never was a connoisseur of it. You know when people understand it and they get it and they're like into it? Yeah. I never was like that. I always went for the cheapest bottle. Yeah, white or red. Yeah, white or red.

Two colours. And then I always had like the red wine mouth. Yeah, you don't look good. No, you don't look good. And as you can see i've had my teeth cleaned today and i said to the woman i said to the dentist uh hygienist um she complimented me she said your teeth are better than when i last saw you and i said do you think it's because i've cut out red wine and she was like oh 100 red wine really stains your teeth so

there's another there's another very banal, yes. Your teeth are going to be so bright on this island. They're going to be amazing. Okay. Fortunately, Kerry, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system

continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time and the other your least favourite song. What are they and why?

Okay. This is hard because I don't want to lay into other people's favorite things but i'm gonna go the film i'm gonna go with and i've said it on other podcasts you don't have to love everything no you can't love everything uh i'm putting in 2001 oh the space space odyssey stanley kubrick a lot of people he's seen as like you know a genius filmmaker it's a very celebrated film i know I've upset people before when I've said, I just don't like it.

I find it really boring. It's really boring. It's got no jokes. I agree. There's no one to love. I don't like things on space, and I don't like things underwater. I think those two things are so boring.

I don't mind space. I love space. I love Star Wars. This particular space. I like... Let's try and think of another spacey thing um star trek no i'm not into that okay but i do i don't mind space i'm not anti-space would you go to space nah there's loads of earth i haven't covered no i'm not bothered about going to space

no not really what's galaxy that's the other one is it with sandra oh gravity gravity with Sandra Bullock oh Gravity Gravity wow definitely Galaxy Quest that's a good one is that good I don't know that one that one where with Alan Rickman

oh I watched that then that sounds good I like Alan Rickman the other one Martian the Martian the one with Matt oh yes

Matt Damon Matt Damon Gardening he's gardening up there so it's specifically Space Odyssey it's specifically Space Odyssey. It's 2001 Space Odyssey because it's so celebrated as a sort of like, all Kubrick films are like, he didn't make many and they're all cited as being extraordinary, blah, blah, blah.

I find a lot of them really boring and irritating. Like The Shining. I could cope with The Shining in a montage form. I could cope with all of Kubrick in a montage form. I don't need all of it. Let's just pack it down to a nice, short, manageable... Look at the nice pictures. Yeah, they're lovely.

It's beautifully shot. It's very visually pleasing. But in terms of warmth, I'd say they're kind of warm light. Yes. Do you find... I can't watch The Shining, it's too scary. Can you watch it?

I have watched it. I didn't find it, I'm not, I don't like scary films or horror or whatever, but I found it a bit irritating. I found it just a bit irritating and the storyline

just sort of was like, what? Got to the end and went, hang on, what? And it didn't make me go, oh, it made me go,

what? Do you know what I mean? If you're like that at the end of a film, I just go, oh. It made me go, what? Do you know what I mean? If you're like that at the end of a film, I just think, oh, Stanley, stop being a dick. Stanley, come on. Come on. Is he dead now? Yeah.

So he can't be offended by this. No, he won't be offended. And he can't make any more films, so there's nothing we can do about it. No, but I know I've upset people. Like, my husband really loves Stanley Kubrick. I've got friends that do. I've got a lot of, what are they called,

cine-ass film fans, like film buffs. Nerds. Nerds. Film nerds. And, of course, Stanley Kubrick is a very... Yes, we must not. He's a very celebrated filmmaker. But I must say, I find 2001 mildly less entertaining than a screensaver.

Because it's meant to be be is it meant to be 2001 but it's obviously nothing well we've gone past that now have we and they made it in the 60s and they thought like we all thought you know hoverboards and and food pills and here we are here we are with the same old shit yeah cars and wheels on skateboards um okay what about song lines? Song I'm going to go with, I've thought about this, and I'm going to go with

California Girls by the Beach Boys. That's a fucking creepy song, Harriet. It's such a creepy song. I don't know if I know it. You do. I do like the Beach Boys. I wish they all could be Californian. I wish they all could be Californian. It's I could be Californian.

It's so weird. I find a lot of the Beach Boys weird anyway. All that I would love you to do that karaoke so much while staring people in the eyes. It's really unsettling. I've been here, I've been there, I've been there, I've been here, but I want them all to be the same and they've all got to be like Californian

girls. Because all other girls I don't, it's very about homogeny and girls all being just like the girls that he likes from california he's like east coast girls yeah whatever southern girls midwest girls but i wish they were all californian girls and isn't that weird isn't that really really, really weird? It's so creepy. It's so weird. Yeah, I can't think of a place that I'd want just boys to be from. No. You know what I mean? I can't think of a single place.

No. And if you were starting to come out with stuff like, I wish all boys were like the boys I like, people would go, what? But everyone thought California girls was a perfectly reasonable... Again, Brian Wilson, a bit like Stanley Kubrick. Very, very, very celebrated musician. Very innovative.

Pet Sounds is a very celebrated album. I don't know if it's on Pet Sounds. Anyway, a lot of the Beach Boys, I find it creepy. It's like... It's all those harmonies. It's quite childish, isn't it? It's got a fairground... It's like Nightmare. It's got a harmonies. It's quite childish, isn't it? It's got a fairground. It's like nightmare.

It's got a nightmare vibe. It's got those sort of sounds. Do you know what I mean? I do. It's like a carousel that never ends of creepy music. We played a Beach Boys track at my wedding and maybe that was the curse. Maybe that was the curse that led to the divorce.

What was it? I can't remember what it was. I've gone completely blank. I've locked the whole thing out, Kerry. Best not to think about it. But maybe that was the curse. Never play it at your wedding. It's creepy.

It's creepy music. Yes. It's really creepy. Because were they quite young at the time? I guess they were. Yeah. It was sort of the 60s. I know that musically it's considered to be very innovative in that way no one else was doing that

it's just that when it comes on I turn it off what do you think about if the girls were from just on the border like San Diego or something do you think they'd like that? I don't know if that would make any difference they wouldn't allow that they have to that? I don't know if that would make any difference. They wouldn't allow that. It has to be. It has to be.

They have to be Californian. I wish they all could be Californian. It's very clear what he's saying there, isn't it? He's not like, oh, I'm open to Seattle or other West Coast regions. New Mexico. No. I want them all to be Californian. It's just weird.

Why are they from other places? Why are people from other places? He even says at one point, I've been all over the world, and I don't know if that's true. I've been all over the world, but West Coast girls are the best. And I just wish all girls all over the world were like them.

It's lovely to wow women around the world as well to have a damn favorite yes that is lovely yeah I think favorites is fine yes but you've got to allow difference Brian yes yeah but I don't know if you should have a favorite type of woman as because of where they're from I don't know if that I don't know about that I think we're living in a different time yes yes we're allowed to say people are all different and from different places. I just love Kent boys. I just love Kent boys. I wish all the other boys were Kent boys.

Why aren't other boys Kent boys? You'd sound mad. You'd sound mad. I would sound mad. You'd sound mad. I would sound mad. Okay, finally, Kerry, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it? I'm going to go for the bison. Ooh.

Yeah. Again, similar to Andrew Tate, hard to connect with a bison. Yes. It's really hard. I've never heard anyone say, hard to connect with a bison. It's really hard. I've never heard anyone say, my favourite animal, the bison. No, they're just not particularly liked. They're very big. They go in packs.

I've never seen one alone. They're always in herds. Their eyes are unsettling. Aren't they a little bit to the side of the head? So it'd be very hard to get eye contact. They're just weird. They're just weird yeah they're just weird yeah and i'm not sure i just don't think you'd snuggle up with it you wouldn't connect with it i just think i'd find it a hostile creature i wonder if anyone has ever domesticated the bison

i wonder should we google that um i just do need to find that out. That is important to me. Because you know how sometimes people have them living in their houses and stuff? Not bison. No, pigs. Pigs and cows. Has anyone done that ever with a bison? A horse. Donkey. There are several ways to describe domesticated bison.

They do retain a lot of their wild instincts. There we are. It is hard to tame. They're hostile. Yeah. And I bet they stink. It does recommend you do not consider them as a pet. There we are. It is hard to tame. They're hostile. Yeah. And I bet they stink. He does recommend you do not consider them

as a pet. There you go. And I bet they stink. I bet they absolutely reek. It says they're aggressive. And they shit everywhere. I bet they shit everywhere. Yeah, I think

I think it's best you don't. Yeah, so wow. Just an island just overrun by bison. Yeah. I've never heard much good about them. Yeah, so wow. Just an island just overrun by bison. Yeah. I've never heard much good about them. No, no, I've never heard, oh.

They don't come up. I met the loveliest bison the other day. But when you watch a TV documentary about animals and you're like, oh, look at all the animals. Bison just doesn't come up much. They're very much like a filler animal, aren't they? Yeah. Like they're on The Lion King,

but they're not like a starring role. Totally. They're there. Like you get a drone shot of a load of them going across a landmass but no one ever zooms in and looks at one individual yes wow i've never thought about the bison so much i've never heard david attenborough talk about them yeah he's never done a feature on them yeah they just don't come up yes there's got to be a reason for that bird on them as well because it's like they're not even there you know what i mean like they. A bird on them as well, because they're not even there.

You know what I mean? They're just a bench, basically. Yeah, they're the ornaments of the animal kingdom. They're background music. Can you eat bison? I don't know, you must be able to, because they're like a cow, aren't they? If I don't eat meat, I'm stuck with the butter beans.

Butter beans are the bison of the lagoon world. Things that are just needlessly big. Combosome. Would you eat the bison if they were on the island? I guess I'd have to, wouldn't I? If it died naturally. It just took its life from hanging out with Andrew Tate. He thought, I'd rather be dead than hang out with these bricks.

You can eat bison. There you go. It's very much like, it's like beef. Yeah, it'd be like a cow, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's kind of what you expect, isn't it? Yeah. It would get in the way, wouldn't it, a bison? Get under your feet.

Yeah, and the horns, they have big horns, don't they? Yeah. That's scary. Yeah, scary. Yeah, because they charge, I think. And they're shifty. They've got shifty faces. Look, I think you're making great choices, Kerry.

Thanks. Okay, so on the island, the worst people that could be there, you've got Monty Don. Absolute. The absolute worst person that could be there. National treasure. National treasure. Very mild-mannered. Very loved. Sweet guy, Monty Don. absolute the absolute worst person to be there national treasure very mild mannered

very loved sweet guy Monty Don Andrew Tate there's just not enough irony for me to be able to make Andrew Tate work I can't make that work

we'll just leave it at that Andrew Tate and you have Liam Gallagher from Oasis maybe swapped in occasionally for Kim Kardashian Andrew Tate. And you have Liam Gallagher from Oasis, maybe swapped in occasionally for Kim Kardashian. Two very opposite people, I think.

You have Butter Beans. Butter Beans. And Wine. So sad. So sad to let Wine go. I'm so sorry that happened to you. And you have 2001 Space Odyssey. The Beach Boys, the creepiest song that I've ever heard. I don't think I've probably listened to it before.

Well, sit and listen to it and changes your life Jesus Christ and the bison and the bison wow well I don't want to visit

that island no it's horrible Kerry I wish you the best there don't leave me there yes I'm sorry I'm sorry you're there please

best of luck to you Kerry don't leave me don't leave me hurry up sorry Kerry I've got a thing to do and Kerry thank you so much for coming in what are you up to at the moment Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Hurry up. Sorry, Kerry. I've got a thing to do. And Kerry, thank you so much for coming in.

What are you up to at the moment? What am I up to? I am acting and filming things and things of that nature. And then I'm doing a work in progress show with a view to touring. Yes. At some point. But I can't tell you when. I don't know. Who knows? I opened for Kerry on tour many years ago. And she's obviously fantastic. tour. To touring, yes. At some point, but I can't tell you when. I don't know.

I opened for Kerry on tour many years ago and she's obviously fantastic. It was very exciting, so I'm excited for your new tour. And yeah, Wits to Ball Pearl. Oh, that's out, yes. You're very good at helping me remember. So Wits to Ball Pearl is on UTV and the new series of that, season three, is coming

for Halloween. I think they're putting posters. I've seen posters. The posters. Yeah, because it went from a channel that no one's got and they put it on a channel that more people have got. It's free. It's free now. So you can watch it.

That's exciting because and I'm from Kent. And so it was very close. It's like Malibu, isn't it? It's the Malibu of Kent. I'm the Kim Kardashian of Whitstable. Yes, it's our Malibu Whitstable's the Malibu of Kent I'm the Kim Kardashian of Whitstable yes it's true it's true

but no so it's very exciting so you go down there and film we do some of the the location shots there but actually I regret to tell you

that some of the interiors are shot in Tottenham wow I know it's like when you found out that Friends was shot in LA is that true

okay I'm sorry I did actually know that I think but I'd blocked it out wow you're ruining a lot of things No, it's like when you found out that Friends was shot in LA. Is that true? Okay. Oh, sorry. I did actually know that, I think, but I'd blocked it out. Blocked it out. Wow, you're ruining a lot of things for me, Kerry, today. Whistleball's lovely, though, isn't it? It's beautiful.

It's so nice. It's really nice. It's changed a lot since I was a child. You mean it's gentrified? It's gentrified. Yeah. Oh, yes. And your podcast. Yes, which you recently guested on.

I recently did. It's a very, very fun time. I got lots of lovely messages about your episode oh thank you me and Jen Brister have a podcast called Memory Lane

where guests bring in four photographs from their lives and tell us their stories it's about nostalgia really yeah it's very fun

I had a lovely time oh good I'm glad yeah I talked about my giant West African snail which turned out might have just been a regular snail

and then susie ruffle listened to it and she messaged me she said um yeah that she found she got home she found a tiny snail in her pocket and she was like i think i think this might be how it's now what's happened yeah your story's about not holding a job down before you found comedy brought a lot of joy it's very it's very sad thank you people felt seen yes so thank you for having me uh desert island dicks podcast there's there's no other option um it's lovely to be here and thank you so much kerry for coming on and it's been lovely bye bye