Desert Island Dicks - KIELL SMITH-BYNOE

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

Comedian, Actor and Taskmaster contestant, Kiell Smith-Bynoe joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. And this week we're going Taskmaster themed because the new series is here featuring Frankie Boyle, Ivo Graham, Jenny Eclair, May Martin and our guest on this episode Kyle Smith-Baino. It was a pleasure having him on the podcast we've been trying to get him on for ages he's been in Stathlets, Flats, Live at the Moth Club, Ghosts and much more and now he gets to participate in what I think is probably the most fun show to make on telly, Taskmaster.

But here and now, his only challenge was to think of the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with, and he did a very good job indeed, as you'll hear very shortly. Actually, I'm going to save the rest of what I have to say until the end, so you can just hear how he got on now. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today from Stafflets, Flats, Dreamland, Ghosts and soon to be appearing on the new series of Taskmaster, it's Kyle Smith-Bino. How are you doing?

That's a lovely intro that. I'll keep that one. Well, you're welcome. thanks for coming on it's great to have you on here yeah man thanks for having me bit of fun in it bit of fun little bit of laughs yeah on the podcast i mean we were just saying before we started recording you're on so many brilliant things at the minute so it's taken us a little while to to set this up but i'm really glad we've we've made it happen yeah so am i yeah there's um there's a few bits going around i'm juggling a couple of bits but but yeah, I really wanted to do this, so I'm glad we made it happen. Totally. Now, we're about to sort of have you on a desert island after a plane crash.

You know, we're going to be talking about the worst people and things that you could be faced with. I mean, is this an easy task for you? Do you find it easy to make a list of people and things you can't stand yeah because i'm quite annoyed by most things um so i do find it quite easy i am very laid back on the surface and i get that from my dad but my mum is probably the most highly strong person i've ever met so there is a bit of both there's a bit of yin and yang deep within my um blood but I would say I'm most like my dad on the outside but inside I'm fuming everything if you have that balance where on the surface you're quite calm and then when you do get really angry it gives it a lot more impact doesn't it and somebody's just sounding off all the time like when you get angry people probably listen a lot more yeah but it doesn't it rarely happens i say um i'm angry on the outside

maybe once a year that's pretty good it's the same amount that i drink coffee so it might have something to do with that yeah yeah okay well look well let's just start who's gonna be the first person joining you on the island this one one's really easy. Go compare man. Right. Okay. Okay. But not the character. Oh, the actual man. The actual man. Right. Right. And is this based on experience?

This is based on the go compare adverts. Okay. And I'm not talking about the old ones with the opera singer. I'm talking about the new ones where he's explaining that he's the opera singer who actually sings opera in real life and now interacts with his character. I hate it. I think it's the worst thing on television. What the hell is this guy doing? He's obviously made like loads of money and maybe it wasn't what he set out to do when he went to drama school, if he went to drama school,

but he's made loads of money. He's successful. He's regularly on TV. And one day he decided, I do not think at all that this was the brand's idea. I think it was his idea that he was like, right. I've shown, I've been, I've played this character for too long, and I need to show that I'm more than just this character.

So I should be myself interacting with this character and explaining that I am more than just the Go Compare man. Get fucked! Everyone loves the Go Compare guy. I hate it. Every time I see that advert, literally, whenever I'm watching it, I want to turn the TV off. I want to turn the whole TV off by the mains.

Yeah, I don't blame him for being... Because I think there can't be that many jobs for opera singers, right? It must be really competitive. It must be a really small world. Because it's not like you get operas on telly or anything. So it must be quite a niche thing. So, so you know something like this comes along where you've got guaranteed work for like what 10 years or something like on on every chat i mean it must be a really

good gig yeah so i don't begrudge him that but i think you're right it must be a point where he goes oh you know because i think he launched a cd and stuff and he's like oh you know i kind of want people to take me seriously in my own right. And they're like, no, but we really have built everything around this. We really need you. Oh, yeah. So how about this?

Here's an alternative, like you say, and he's just sort of gone with it. But like, I don't want this sort of like breaking the fourth wall kind of... No, no, I don't. I do not want that. Get it off my TV immediately. I mean, I know who the voice is,

who does the meerkats, you know, on the compare the market thing, but I don't want him turning up. I never want to see that guy's face. Don't ever. Look, if I saw him, I'm sure he'd be a lovely man. I do not want to see him interacting with his character of the meerkats saying,

hi, it's me, I voice the meerkats. Get back in the meerkat hole. What do meerkats saying hi it's me i voice the meerkats get back in the meerkat hole what did meerkats live in tents get back in the meerkat tent yeah and i understand it i mean i've done i've done voice work where sometimes you're not allowed to say that you that it's you and i also understand that being sort of anonymous is quite annoying because everyone knows a Go Compare man and doesn't know the actor. Keep it that way! I mean, I would have thought that, for his point of view,

it would be better if people didn't think they were the same person because then you could still be in opera without going to the opera for a classy evening and then be like, isn't that the Go Compare guy? Literally everyone in the audience whispering, you know, that's the guy from Go Compare. Yeah. From what?

From Compare the Makers? No, that's the other guy. Go Compare. Someone turn around, shh. What do you mean, shush? That's the Go Compare guy. Oh, my gosh, is it really? That's what will be going on there.

Because by showing people who he is, no one's going to be like, well, I've loved your work on Go Compare, so now I know where to find you. What else can you do? Yeah, now I'm going to buy your CD based on that. Bullshit. It's really weird. I mean, if you were stuck on an island

with just the character of the Go Compare man, it would be pretty tiring because he'd constantly be bursting into the song. Oh, sure. But I imagine that he's quite wacky. He looks to me like he enjoys physical comedy. He also seems quite jaunty. All of these things are things that I like.

What I don't like is explanations. Don't explain stuff to me. Let me just look at it and take it for what it is. Imagine if the 118 men started going like, but we're not actually, we don't actually wear these wigs and these mustaches. This is what we look like. And I'm quite into drum and bass or something like, no, okay. The 118 men, they came and they left and some people, the people who know know and the people who don't don't. And that's amazing from them.

And I think that more people should follow in those footsteps. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Like I say, I don't think anyone has a problem with an opera singer getting extra money on the side, and especially the amounts involved. I reckon it's going to be a good gig getting that job. So fair enough, just take it. But yeah, I think there's something about him

just kind of constantly being like, no, but I'm valid, I'm valid. And you're like, you would have been if you kept them separately you know like you'd still be an opera singer over here and the man with the wacky mustache over here yeah but i don't need to see you like living out your sort of you know your real persona as part of an advert well whilst you're trying to sell me car insurance no thank you i forgot that that's what it's for car insurance oh yeah it makes it so weird that there's this it's for, car insurance. Oh, yeah. It makes it so weird that there's this other layer.

And don't they do it so that now... I switch off so easily when I see this stuff now. I don't even really notice it. But isn't it that now the Go Compare guy, the character does one aspect of their offering and then the real version of him does the website or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah it's all really bad news i might go on youtube and dislike all their videos we've got to pass the time

somehow yeah okay well he's on the island with you who's gonna who's gonna join the two of you who's next the next person is my old history teacher mrs. Simpson. And look, let me just be honest from the start, Daniel, she was a real bitch. I hated her. I hated her from the start. I hated her till the end. I sometimes, even now, I'm 34. How old am I? 34.

And I left school almost 20 years ago. And I still think, what's the worst thing she would have done if I had egged her car? It wouldn't have been that bad. If I had put a potato in her exhaust, it wouldn't have been that bad. Yeah, sure, I would have got told off, but that's it. I wish I'd done it. Yeah, because now if you go and do it the consequences are a lot higher oh yeah definitely they could throw me in the slammer but i wish i'd done it

then or worse put super glue on her steering wheel something along those lines those these are all very car related hang on let me think of something else um filled her shoes with porridge. Something, something really, a major inconvenience. But I didn't do it, and it's one of my deepest regrets. Fair enough. Was it the subject or the way she taught you, or like a whole combination of things? It was her fucking attitude. Her attitude stank.

It reeked. Her attitude stank. It reeked. She was so rude. You know, there were some teachers that, like, tried to use rudeness to get you on side, kind of. And sometimes it would work. But she wasn't young enough for it to work. Or, like, she didn't have a sort of enjoyable side.

You know, like, some of the teachers that were really rude could also be like quite fun uh and it was like two sides to them and you didn't know which one was going to come out but she was just a straight up bitch from the start and i got suspended uh in school for a um lunch token racket but i won't going to, but it was real profitable. And I got suspended and came back to school, and I remember her asking me a question in history, and I got the answer wrong. And her response,

instead of just being like, no, incorrect, going to the next person, she went, I don't know why they let you back in this school. Oh, wow. Get porridge in that bitch's shoes. Yeah, 100%. Because that's like, I mean, you've served your time. You've been suspended.

Like, you've got back in. Like, you can't say that. I did the time. Don't come out and start giving sly digs in front of the rest of the class. They're like, oh. No. Yeah, that is mean. That is really mean.

As a teacher, that's the very least you have to do is sort of pretend to stay neutral. But they're so bad at it sometimes, you know? Yeah. I wish that I had found out where she lived and confiscated all of her remote controls and also taken all the light bulbs out of her lamps. That's good.

Hit them where it hurts. You need to think, I wish I had a different teacher, any teacher. And they're probably thinking the same thing. Like, I wish this kid was out of my class. And I just think sometimes there should be like a safe word. You can just, you know, have a little summit and just say, look. Like a transfer system. Yeah, should we just end this? Because it's not working for

either of us. Yeah. It is you. It is me yeah let's let's just call this quits and i'll go and just do something else or even just do another subject or something oh man i wish so bringing that energy onto the island with you i'd be fuming every day i'd look like the angry emoji i'm just going around with my my eyebrows so diagonal what annoys me so much as well as it's like with bad teeth because obviously you remember the good ones but i think you remember the bad ones maybe even more and they've probably forgotten us because they've got you know however many students each year yeah they could have just completely forgotten about us and we're still sitting there getting a fucking bastards can't believe they said that as grown-ups oh yeah big time she's sort of my go-to when anyone asks me who i hate still

and i mean i stopped doing history in year nine because i didn't do it for um gcse so i mean i haven't been taught by this bitch since 2003 20 years it's a 20 year anniversary get her out of here you'll be able to fill her shoes with a lot of weird stuff on the island though so maybe that'll be a nice activity anything I can find

I mean if we're being honest she probably wouldn't have shoes yeah okay alright so Mrs Simpson joins you and the go compare guy

but not in character and who's the final person going to be there's two options here okay there's either the girl who's at the door of a club with a clipboard or the girl in the club that takes your hat off your head right okay which one's more and i don't know which one's more annoying i've probably had the similar, the same amount of interactions with both.

For every clipboard girl, there's a girl inside who wants your hat on her head. And I hate them equally. Oh, so you mean like a sort of a punter who just thinks, oh, let me try your hat on. Like not like someone going, oh, you're not allowed to wear your hat in this club kind of thing. No, no, no.

Someone who wants to grab your hat off your head and put it on them. Okay. All right. Well, look, this is is an open forum we can discuss the pros and cons of each or maybe just the cons i think it's just quams i mean i'd like to see them to fight the girl with the clipboard will probably win as she has a prop um so it may not be a fair fight but i guess the girl with the clipboard isn't always going to turn you away. Sometimes they're just going to be a bitch and then eventually let you in. Whereas the girl who takes your hat is always annoying.

There's no nice way to take my hat off my head and put it on yours. Yeah. Generally, my sort of rule is if there's someone with it, you know, if there's a sort of establishment that requires someone with a clipboard it's not generally for me okay sure you know what i mean so it's been a while since i've attempted to get access to these sort of places but i remember being turned away from this place in central london by someone and like she took such pleasure in it and i just thought you know like this isn't your club like it's not your party like you just sort of work here yeah what are you getting out of this it's not your party. You just sort of work here. What are you getting out of this?

It's not like, well, my party is so exclusive. You can't come in straight from work with your trainers on. And I just thought, why are you enjoying this? It's such a weird... And that really stings when they're like that. You just think, I'm glad. I don't want to be in here. This is good. This has saved me an evening paying way too much for drinks now. So there's a saying that I've only heard come from Asian boys in my area, which is used when

someone is driving either slowly, or like hogging the road or something like that. And they say, he's acting like it's his dad's road. And I love that. And I don't know why it's so specific to one demographic, but that's the only group of people I've heard say it. And that is how I feel about those people. They're acting like it's their dad's road and road being club. So they're annoying for the sort of power dynamic and just the sort of, I don't know,

the sort of looking you up and down nature of their job. You know, when you're just trying to have a good night out and you just want to go and, you know, just get loose with your friends and they're sort of making you go for this thing. Someone's stealing your hat is just, I mean, that's just annoying. You don't know what your hair is like underneath.

You might have put it on because you haven't had time to sort your hair out or your hair might be a bit off because you've been wearing a hat for a long time. Yeah, there's plenty of reasons. And I have my reasons, but it's entitled and it makes me sick. I mean, imagine doing it with any other item of clothing. It's insane. I mean, imagine taking it with any other item of clothing. It's insane. I mean, imagine taking a girl's shoes off. That's crazy. I've never thought of that and I'm glad I now have.

It's the same thing. It doesn't stop. Even as you get older, the amount of times you have to dodge a hand that's going for the peak of your hat. Get off! I suppose it's one of those kind of school ground flirty things, isn't it, almost? Yeah.

Like a sort of, yeah, a bit, and that's quite crap in its own way. Yeah. I've decided, actually, that girl's worse than the girl with the clipboard. Okay. Because I suppose on the one hand you're like well in a way you could see it as a flirty move but also it's going to make you so angry it's like it's the last person you're going to want to have chatting you up because they've annoyed you so much massively okay cool well look you're on a desert

island you've got the the real life go compare man you've got your awful ex-history teacher and someone's nicking your hat all the time so that's pretty annoying so you've got a good set up there and i can see you know listeners won't be able to see the expression on your face but i can tell like just the idea of this is paining you slightly so yeah stress me out but it's testament to how well you're doing already so you know now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

Can I give you a list? Sure. Yeah. Lemon, lime, peas, beans, beetroot. OK, OK, right. We could sort of make a little bento box of this and just give you a sort of a weird combination meal. But I want to hear your thoughts on it. So lemon and lime. So a citrus thing isn't going down well. Disgusting, horrible. Stop putting in my drinks, stop putting in my cocktails. Stop telling me that the bartender could make it without lime, but would prefer not to.

Just fucking get it away from me. So, I mean, given that you hate it in drinks alone, so, I mean, a lemon cake or something like that would be, like, the worst thing then? The amount of times that I've gone to, perhaps, an office on the off-shoulder, so I'm right in there or I'm coming from a meeting or a fitting or something like that, and they're like, oh, it's

Sarah's birthday. We've got some cake. Would you like some cake? And I go, oh, that looks really nice. Is it lemon? Yes. Why? Why are all cakes lemon now? What happened to birthday cake? Victoria sponge. Little bit of

jam in it. What's happened to that? Why is it, it like is it extinct everyone's got lemon cake it's a good point actually i haven't i haven't seen a victoria sponge in a long time cupcakes when people got cupcakes bring cupcakes in oh my agent sent in some cupcakes on to set oh nice you never think that lemon that the cupcake's going to be lemon. And it is! Even the smell of lemon and lime, I really don't like. Quite a lot of washing up liquid is automatically lemon-flavoured. Dishwasher tablets sort of have a lemon default. Air fresheners sometimes are like your go-to lemon flavour.

Zest! All that bullshit. It's not what I like at all in any way. Okay, interesting. I do think it's an interesting choice, but it is your choice. And I think that's, that's fair enough. And also, I mean, it'd be a crap food to be stuck with on a on a desert island, because even if you like it is very much, you know, a side player rather than you know, the main event. So but

what were you what else you had peas and beetroot and beans. Peas and beans. So I don't like any peas or beans. I mean, I guess they're kind of the same thing apart from baked beans. Sorry, but I make an exception. I do like baked beans. Maybe because they're not as hard as peas or kidney beans or something else. Maybe that's not true.

When I was younger, I used to swallow my peas and or beans whole wow because they were part of my dinner and my mom was like if you don't eat all your dinner then you can't have jelly and ice cream so i used to swallow them whole uh used to that i'm also now well as i got older and realized i didn't have to please my mother by finishing what was on my plate, I would learn to pick them out. So I can pick them out real quick. It's actually disgusting how quickly I can pick out peas from a plate. It's embarrassing how quickly I can do it. Okay.

I mean, yeah, I suppose peas seem slightly more innocuous than beans i can sort of understand i mean i'm a fan but there is a sort of a pasty substance to them but i think and i think it's bullshit especially when people get mushy peas with their like fish and chips for example mushy peas that's the worst bit about them the mush yeah i think in that context it's more of like a sauce than a than a vegetable isn't it it's more like a condiment disgusting yeah i do wonder if fish and chips were invented today i think people would probably invent something better than that to go with them you know i think it feels like something that was invented when there wasn't that much choice. Yeah, spaghetti hoops.

Do you know what? I think because you've been in a plane crash, we're going to just give you one of those plane trays with little compartments so that you can have all of these things. Fuck. And then the final thing is some nice beetroot there. Of all your choices, this is the one I'm with you on the most. I mean, I find beetroot just unfathomable.

What's your feelings on it? It stinks. If you get it on your hands, it fucking stains. It stains your clothes. It stinks. It tastes disgusting. It stinks. It's also called Beetroot, which is just a horrible name for a thing.

Imagine a child called Beetroot. People use Gertrude as a comedy name to be like, oh, you know that ugly girl in school that fancied me, Gertrude. It's the same. It's Beetroot. It's Beetroot to a Gertrude. It's bad stuff, man. It's got to go.

What food is purple? That's insane for a food to be purple. People always talk about blue being the most unnatural color for a food. But I'll take blue out of a purple food any day. Apart from red onions. Don't mind them. I think with beetroot, it's one of those where, like you said, peas, you can pick them out, right? They're not bleeding internally. But beetroot, that's one of those where, like you said, you know, peas, you can pick them out, right?

They're not bleeding internally. But beetroot, like, that's anywhere on your plate, you're tasting it. Yeah, yeah. And it's such a strong taste as well. That was another thing that, like, my mum used to put on my plate. She'd be like, it's good for you. I think that one she sort of, she accepted because she was like, this guy really hates this. And it it's like she could see that i was like doing something with the peas she didn't i don't think she knew that i was swallowing them whole but um the the beetroot she was like sort of like no fair enough

and let it go but i'm glad that that's out of my life for abs yeah yeah in australia they're really into putting it in burgers and there's been a few times I've been there and I've seen the picture of it and it's just assumed it's like a slice of bacon in there or something because you just see a little red slice. And I thought, and then it'll arrive and you try and pick it out. But it's too late. It's all infected the rest of it. That's evil, cruel and wicked. They're so into it, you go to McDonald's in Australia, they have something called the Ozburger, and the Ozburger, the differentiating factor is it's got beetroot in it. That's their fucking national thing. Like, oh, we love beetroot in our burgers, so much so that McDonald's has given us our own thing. Oh, Ronald McDonald will be turning in his grave.

In his little clown grave where there's like eight other clowns in there. Tiny one. That's bad, man. Yeah. All right. Well, look, you've got a lovely selection of foods there. What are you going to wash it down with? What's your crappy drink choice?

Gin. Okay. Because gin's basically beetroot, isn't it? I think it's the same thing. It's probably made out, gin's made out beetroot, beetroot's made out gin think it's the same thing. It's probably made out, gin's made out of beetroot, beetroot's made out of gin. It's the same thing. What is that taste? I remember I tasted it once for the first time,

and I was like, this is like drinking soil or something. What is that? It's one of those things that I find it mad that in the old days, people used to drink it neat, you know, whereas nowadays, I think, yeah, obviously with tonic and like, you know, obviously Snoop likes it with juice. I even tried that. I tried it because I thought it would be cool.

It's not cool. It fucking stinks. It's got a real aftershave-y taste to it, hasn't it? Oh, man. I've only ever had it. I've had it twice. I had it once and I was like, no, never. And then when I worked at the Taste of Londonondon food festival maybe 2015 i went past the

gin stall and the guy like sort of offered me someone i was like oh disgusting and he was like no you haven't tried them all when was the last time you tried them and then we like had this conversation and he was like well how about um a flavored gin would you do you think you'd be interested in that and i was like i really think it's bad stuff and he was like this is our most popular gin and people have actually been putting on disguises to try and come back and get samples of them because it's so nice and i was like all right go on i'll taste it and it was toffee gin right look i'll say here on this podcast, it's not the worst thing I've ever had, but do I want some more? Am I going to go and put on a glasses and moustache combo

to try and get some more? Ain't no way, baby. I mean, I think the thing is with gin recently is like there's a lot of bullshit around it. So it's like, you know, it is just a spirit. In recent years, it's like it you know it is just a spirit in recent years it's like this sort of artisanal thing with like some guy wearing a waistcoat and has a waxy mustache and it's a bit old-timey and it's like there's a lot of like bullshit around it i'm like where did this come

from and if you order it in a pub it comes in a giant bowl now yeah like i don't want to hold that i just want a normal drink. Also, they have gin bars. I feel like there's more gin bars than anything else. I mean, apart from wine, of course. But I feel like that's the only spirit that gets its own bar. Yeah, I don't know when this became a thing, but it's just so sort of like, oh, there's a man in a tweed waistcoat,

and he's got his sleeves rolled up with those little silver things holding his sleeves up. And his moustache is all twiddly. And it's like, what's with this and the gin? It's like, oh, quintessentially English gin. And it's, I don't need that. And somehow his name is also Horatio. And it's like, how does your name match what you look like?

Have you got this personality because of your name? Or is it the other way around? you're born with this waistcoat on and then your parents thought we know i've got just the name yeah i'm not into that in any way okay fair enough well i think you've you've put forward very good arguments for your food and drink choices so fair enough you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com.

Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why? I don't know if I can safely say that this is my least favourite film because the way I feel about it is the same way I feel about when I read the instruction manual of something really complicated. I watched this whole film and I didn't have a fucking clue what happened. I don't know what anyone was talking about.

I don't know who anyone was to the other person. I don't know anything about it. I watched all of it. The Black Dahlia. Okay. Okay. I haven't seen that one. It's Josh Hartnett and I think Scarlett Johansson's in it?

Mm-hmm. Listen, man. If someone put a gun to my head and said, explain one thing about that film, I'd be like, it's sitting maybe the 1920s, but also maybe the 1960s. That's all I've got.

I don't know a damn thing about this film. And I can't believe that I watched all of it, beginning to end, and still, like, I was like, I've got nothing. I don't even know anyone's name. I don't know what they do. I don't know how they know each other. I found it really tough. And so was it just, like, the plot is complicated

or the way it's filmed? Is there lots of weird flashing between? I cannot tell you. I don't know if the plot is complicated because I didn't understand what the plot was. I didn't understand if it was like, was it too easy? Was it too complicated? Was it, what's

the plot? Which bit of it's the plot? It's so annoying when there's films like that because you end up afterwards, you're like, well, I don't know what the fuck just happened. The only way to find it out is to then go on Wikipedia or go on the internet, start Googling it, and then you're like, why should I have... The film's finished.

Why have I got to do this work now? Yeah, if you can't tell me what it's about whilst I'm watching it, I don't want to sit here and go, oh, that's where the guy was in the cupboard, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had that with Tenet. And then my wife's sort of trying to find out, like work out how it works and then explain it to me.

And I'm like, look, I'm done now. I'm about to go to bed. I just want to cleanse my palate with something else and try and move on from this experience, you know? Yeah. And I agree about Tenet because I watched all of it and I was like, nope, no idea. And then I saw people talking about it on Twitter and I was like, as if you've made that shit up. And then one of my boys, because I posted it on my Instagram saying like, not a clue what's happening.

And there's no way the actors did either. And my boy was like, no, man, I can explain it to you. It's easy. I was like, get away from me. Don't explain anything to anyone. I don't want to fucking hear it. Do not make a film that complicated. Yeah.

But the difference with Tenet and Black Dahlia is that with Tenet, there were some bits that I watched that I was like, yeah, pretty cool. Like him fighting himself, or was he fighting himself, or fighting the old version of him, or something like that.

And I was like, okay, there's a fight scene and I quite enjoyed that. Yeah. Whereas Black Dahlia, I'm like, that guy's got a tie on. I think it's a tie. Is it?

It could be a towel. I mean, maybe if I went back and watched it now, I might understand or it might even be really easy to understand. I might have just been a fucking idiot on that day.

But I'm not going to try and find out. Yeah. I mean, it's almost sometimes worse just having someone patiently explaining it to you as well. Like, imagine you there and your history teacher sitting there going, well, actually, I think if you paid more attention, you'd notice that it was actually about this.

And thematically, you can see that, you know, imagine how annoying that was. I can imagine her doing that as well. And it's the only film you've got to watch. Oh, awful. And then what would your song choice be? Any Love Island cover of a song. Okay.

They do this thing on Love Island where they cover the song, but they try and make it as dramatic as possible. It's bad stuff man I mean surely Love Island have got enough money to get clearance for the real versions they've just got someone singing like this like extra extra slow version

and enunciating every single syllable and every word it's my hell any of them any song that they use every single syllable and every word. It's my hell. Any of them, any song that they use, I want to create a petition against it. There's always that moment,

isn't there, where something starts off and you're watching it and you just think it's like some general library music to fit a scene and then you go, wait a minute, that's Dancing Queen by ABBA. Like, what? What's going on with that?

Yeah. But slowed down and like, how do we turn the breathiness up on this one? Oh, so breathy. Like, they've recorded it, they've got inside the microphone and like, they're whispering it out on the microphone. Horrible. My favourite one of those was McDonald's had an advert about how it was open at night

and you could get McDonald's any time of night. And it had that sort of poppy dance tune, like, this is the rhythm of the night. Oh, yeah. But they did that in a breathy thing. So it's like, you know, it's like, and you get like a nurse coming home, getting a coffee on her way back,

or like a man whose wife is pregnant and he has to run out and get her some chips to dip in a milkshake because she's pregnant, she's got weird cravings, and it's like, this is the rhythm of the night. Oh, no. If that came on right after the Go Compare advert, it's Slash TV time. Is it worse if it's a song you already liked or one that you hated before?

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely if it's a song you already liked or one that you hated before? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely if it's just one that you liked. Because if it's one that you hated, you were like, oh, it's a different version of the song. And I'm like, you've got an opportunity to like it. And then obviously you don't, but you have an opportunity to. If it's a song that you really like and they're just butchering it by inhaling all over it,

then you're like, stop it, it stop what you're doing stop it get off get off my thing yeah i think that would drive my hat give my hat back it's like it's the same feeling of a girl taking a hat oh yeah i think that sort of thing would be a nightmare to be stuck with on the island so yeah good choice good choice okay well finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why cat a cat okay what's your beef with cats i've never met a cat that wasn't a prick i'm allergic to cats um i think they make some of the worst noises i've ever heard and that includes fox, you can't prove to me that cats aren't evil. I've seen

people put up videos like, look at this funny thing that my cat did. And it's like, your cat punched your child in the face. And people are like, aww. No. My cat has punched my child in the face. See? No. Get them all in the bin.

Remember that woman that put the cat in the bin? Get her around. Get her around. Pop more cats in more bins. Well, I don't know if that slogan's going to get you elected, but, you know. But it's a starting point. No, if I take out the get

and that could be a good slogan I just go more cats more bins and then some people you get all the people who like cats all the people whose rubbish workforce have gone on strike and they join together and they think

I'm saying I'm for both of those things and actually I'm only for one of them and only when they've got cats in i think one thing about and i say this as a cat owner i think one thing about having an island overrun with cats is that the things that cats hate the most is other cats so if you've got an island full of them they're just going to be fighting like even i mean humans you could say like the worst of humanity. We've done a lot of killing of each other over the years, but cats fucking hate cats.

It doesn't, I don't know how they even managed to reproduce. Like nothing will make my cat more annoyed than seeing another cat. Like I saw him sitting at the window once and he was furious because there was another cat in the street and this cat was crossing the road in the middle of the night and just stopped halfway like in the middle of the road to stare at my cat in the window and they're having this face off i'm like you're upstairs in the house you're on the street like get over it what are you doing you know what he was doing that cat was acting like it was his dad's road.

Exactly. I love my cat, but he's definitely a prick quite a lot of the time. I'm glad you know. Well, look, I mean, I think you've done a really good job of putting together a lovely varied assortment of people and things that's going to make your life on the island a real misery. So, you know, you've done a good job here. You've done something good here today. Thanks. I really hope the pilot doesn't crash.

Yeah. And I feel like maybe this might be one of the times in the year that you've been angry. So I feel it's partly my fault. So I do apologise. But hey, look, let's change the subject and let's talk about some good things, like all the cool stuff that you're in at the minute. So as this episode is going out, you're about to be in the new series of Taskmaster.

Yeah, that starts next Thursday, 30th of March. That's really exciting. I've seen a little bit of it and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm up to. It's insane to see myself behave like such a maniac. Is it as fun as we all kind of imagine it to be? It's even more fun. It's even more fun than you can imagine.

It's incredible. But what the hell is this guy up to? That's what I want to know about myself. So yeah, that's great. I've got Dreamland coming out on the 6th of April on Sky, which was really fun to do. We had three weeks in Margate filming it and three weeks in London with a great cast, great team behind it.

It was just really fun. And also we were in Margate and I got to see the sunset every day, which you don't get that in filming in an estate agent, mate. So, yeah, that was great. And then I've got a couple other bits coming out later on in the year, but I don't know when. So I won't mention them. Okay.

But, yeah, we can catch up with Ghosts and Stathlet's Flats as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of very fine opportunities to watch you at work. Yeah, man. Oh, brilliant. Well, listen, thank you so much for coming on the show today. It's been a real pleasure, and I'm glad we got to make it happen. It was nice to vent.

Thanks again. Nice one, mate. There you go. That was Kyle Smith Bino. And thanks to him for coming on the show. And I'm looking forward to seeing him in Taskmaster. I realise that basically that's sort of my new ambition is to one day be on Taskmaster. But I don't really think you get there by just doing a podcast. But anyway, you've got to dream.

Anyway, that aside aside thank you for downloading and listening to this episode we really appreciate it and we would appreciate it even more if you could spare the time to leave us a rating and a review on itunes or wherever you get your podcasts and um yeah and don't forget to subscribe and that way you'll get all the dicks into your inbox inbox on your phone whatever you'll never miss an episode that's what i'm trying to say you'll never miss an episode if you subscribe so do that it would be lovely if you could and uh desert island dicks as ever is a sync clap production it was created and produced by james deacon it was produced and presented by me dan benedictus it was expertly edited by the

wonderful chris attaway and thank you as always to John Deacon for your support and help over the years. I think that's it now, so I'm going to leave you. We'll be back with more dicks very shortly, so don't touch that dial, even though there is no such thing in the podcasting format. Just keep listening to Desert Island Dicks, really. That's what I've got to say. All right, cheers. Bye.