Desert Island Dicks - LAURA DAVIS

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

It's an international Dicks, as comedian Laura Davis joins Dan all the way from New Zealand, to put together the worst combination of people and things to be stuck with on a desert island. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features comedian Laura Davis. We recorded this last year, which now I come to think of it has no real relevance to the podcast, so I could have left that bit out. Anyway, she's originally from Australia and had been living in London, but during the pandemic she ended up living in New Zealand. So it was an international recording, which always feels more fun for some reason. Anyway, as you'll hear, I think this is a brilliant episode because Laura

is great and she picks a really good selection of people and things that I think would be a total nightmare to be stuck with on an island. So I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Now, in these times of bleakness, we always appreciate your support and listenership. We don't ask for much, but what would be lovely is if you could just take a moment, just a moment, to go and subscribe to this podcast and to leave us a review. Because for all sorts of reasons, it's really helpful for us and it really won't take that long. Promise. Also, if when you listen to these episodes, it makes you think of your own desert island dicks and who you'd hate to be stuck with, then now you can tell us. Every week we put out an extra podcast called Compact Dicks,

where we hear the people and things you'd pick for your own worst desert island. You can share your choices with us by going to dickspod.com slash contact or find us on Twitter and Instagram at dickspod. OK, that's it. Let's listen to a podcast called Desert Island Dicks featuring comedian Laura Davis. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian laura davis how you doing hello i'm good i'm sitting here in new zealand yeah it's

fully international uh well not that you can have partially international doesn't make any sense no it's almost the full circumference yeah so a full 12 hours between us so it's nine o'clock at night here nine in the morning there i mean if it helps balance out our respective moods i'm very tired so it's almost like it's morning for me so maybe that will kind of coincide i like that uh two comedians the morning is when you're tired most of them go oh well it's very late for him and she's all perky because it's the morning but for comedians it's it's reversed i'm pretty shit at both ends of the day these days honestly i'm like it takes me hours to wake

up and then yeah i'm always tired in the evening anyway how do we find you today what's your sort of mood and i mean do you think it's a positive or negative before we start uh cataloging your dicks well i think i've uh because i don't live here technically i've sort of gotten trapped here i have spent most of this year in the woods um it's look new zealand's not a desert island it is an island um and i don't really know anybody or have much to do so i have spent a lot of time sort of wandering around alone so when i got this brief i was sort of thinking you know really being you know trapped on an island it that's one of my fantasies. That's usually my happy place. So bringing people in at all seems the cruel part.

Okay. Well, let's treat it as a cathartic exercise then. And then after today, you can get back to imagining a nice, happy island instead. Okay. So we'll do it that way. So let's get straight into it that way so let's let's get straight into it then so who's going to be the first person joining you on the island i look again i was thinking if i if i was on an island i would want to be able to go full cast away uh so

i think the worst thing that you could include would be say at least one child any dependents on an island i think would really really stuff up how nice it was to be trapped on that island yeah definitely definitely yeah because i mean there's even if you hated to that child before even if you had like a really bad history with them i think something would kick it like you couldn't just let them die you know exactly and that was you know that was always the plan so I feel yeah any any dependence um even you know I do like children I've worked with a lot of them some of them are terrible but you do still have to keep them alive yeah I used to babysit a kid who used to shit on the floor in corners of the house, sort of secretly. But I still, you know, I didn't leave the door open. You know, I did what I was supposed to do.

Oh, yeah. That's the thing, though, isn't it? It's like because it's just going to be so much more work. You know, you're going to have to like double your efforts to provide. And then like you're even going to have to help them eat and stuff like, come on, eat up, eat up, come on. And give them your food. Yeah. You know, there's some self-sacrifice involved. So I feel like if it was a child that was really, really lovable, maybe one that you knew and was personally invested in uh that would be better so i think the worst would be a deeply unlikable child yeah so maybe one that was screaming the whole way in the plane journey and then when you when you crash you're

like that's the fucker that that made it through and it's not you know it's not really their fault they've just been in a plane crash, you know. They're only six. You know, you still have to catch them some crabs or something. But the entire time they're just sort of whinging as to why they have to be stuck at an island and why they can't go home. That's the thing as well because I think on the... Because they're still, you know, they still have a child's mind.

So when you're sort of sitting around in the brief moments where you're not building a shelter or catching food, they will need entertaining. They're not just going to be happy to go off on their own. Like they, they can't do that. They're children. So you're going to have to go, oh God, I'm so knackered. This is my only bit of time. Right. What do you want to do then?

And, and, and because you're on an island, you're going to have to be endlessly inventive as well because you don't have any toys or games. You're going to have to then think of things as well. Yeah. And probably have some sort of educational responsibility. Like you'll probably have to do like some sort of classes or something, you know, in case you do get rescued. You don't want them to, you know, you don't want them to you know you don't want to look bad if you get rescued and they go what what did you do with this kid i just left him you know no we did like maths in the sand that would be really unfair though if they picked you up and then sort of gave you a stern rebuke for letting them fall behind on their their english grammar or something you're like now really look he's reading at a seven-year-old stage which is

not bad but really looking to be about up here at this point i think that'd be really mean of the rescuers but you know it depends it depends on whose jurisdiction you crash i suppose i guess yeah and yeah i just think also the other thing is, you know, like you're probably going to have to, you know, you're going to eat things you don't really like. You're going to have to sort of like forage and sort of get into some unpleasant circumstances. But then having to be, you know, you know that it's life or death. With a child, like it doesn't matter how much you tell them it's life or death. You're still going to have to like force them. No, they don't understand.

Also, you don't know their allergies and stuff like that you can end up like oh fuck could be shellfish exactly taking a full gamble there yeah and you wouldn't be you know I feel like if you were stuck on an island with sort of equally misanthropic people you could

sort of sit there and be like well you know at least when we're not in a pret and have like a wry laugh but with sort of a dependent child be like, well, you know, at least when we're not in a pret and have like a wry laugh, but with sort of a dependent child, they go, I love the pret. I love cheese sandwiches. Why aren't we in the pret? You go, you don't know how good you have it. You could be working in a coal mine somewhere.

They just don't understand why they can't watch TV. Yeah, fair enough. It makes a lot of sense it's a good choice and who's going to be joining them who's going to be the second choice for the island i was thinking yeah again if if my preference is to be left alone bringing in people who i actively dislike who are who are horrible people or something I feel like that's too I'm a full masochist I'd enjoy that almost too much you know it would be sustaining to have an enemy right on a desert island I think so I feel like maybe uh I used to work with a woman who was very, very lovely, very, very dull,

very, very useless. And I think her. Yeah. Because I wouldn't want to kill her and eat her. I still feel bad. She's quite nice. Other people love her quite a lot. But she would make looking after the child more difficult

because she's useless. She would be sort of an adult dependent who wasn't quite at the threshold of being killed and eaten for food or, you know, ignored or, you know, left to their own devices. Yeah, because I think the thing is, like, the sort of picture I've got in my head, is it one of those sort of people that, like, are bloody useless and really annoying, but also have the sort of mannerisms and personality that when you finally snap and be like, oh, for God's sake, just let me do it, then you just instantly feel awful because they're like a sort of a sad bunny rabbit and you're like, oh'm sorry i'm sorry and yeah they don't know they're useless and they it's it's not their fault they're very nice but you know maybe maybe somebody who would who would want to talk about how you know hairy our legs were getting on the desert island or one of those people with no perspective of it i was like oh well this is very strange and weird isn't it because normally we'd have haircuts yes but we're on a death island so we're not when there's not quite bringing up the obvious but sort of those people go oh you know normally on the on the weekends i

don't come to work i go somewhere else you go yes that's how it works yeah do you know what earlier in the week I had to go and see the dentist and the dental nurse who was assisting the the hygienist lady was like a bit like this sort of person you're describing and like I was having something quite painful done and you know when they're like shouting out instructions to the dental nurse and they're having to write down like update your records you know in that bit when they're shouting out all the numbers and stuff and she just kept poking my gums and it was really painful in this thing that she was doing she was counting all the teeth or whatever it was and at some point like obviously like the nurse had panicked and then deleted the whole thing that she'd just done

and you could see the hygienist trying to be professional and kind of not go have you fucking done that again seriously I'm gonna have to do this guy's teeth all over again and I'm lying there thinking she's gonna have to do that whole thing all over again and it was quite painful but and at the same time I was just like oh it's not her fault and I just had this like and I was like I don't know why I've got empathy for this woman that's just causing me extra pain but like she was so clearly just like a nice useless person that I couldn't get angry at her and I and like and I could just see the hygienist like desperately trying not to get really pissed because it must have been like the eighth

time that day it happened but it's that type of person isn't it you're like yeah stop stop your dental hygienist on the island yeah like stop fucking this up but also like i can't stay mad at you you pathetic big fluffy sod and the ones uh with that sort of veil of uh desperate positivity where you're not allowed to say anything is bad or difficult um but in a really useless sort of soft sort of a way you go oh you know it's raining outside yes but you know that's good you know i was trapped on a desert island and oh well i'm sure you know this will be all right still mustn't grumble yeah and no no way to address reality so you go oh we'll probably be rescued soon you know okay but if we're not then we probably need to build shelter and we need to do uh you know build fish traps and

whittle a fucking knife with a different knife you know we've got stuff to do we're like oh but i'm sure it'll all be fine if we just yeah i find if we just pull up our socks and sing a merry tune yeah or like one day they'll sort of see you screaming into the into the forest when you think you're on your own and they'll just come up behind you but is everything okay you're like well obviously it's not but since you've asked that let's just say it is and carry on yeah this is the screaming tree yeah i think someone like that coupled with a dependent horrible child yeah give me a volleyball and and nobody else and you know you you can relax a little bit yeah yeah i like the angle you're taking on this. I think it's very interesting.

And I think it's definitely making... It's one of those things where you're like, I can think of people that would annoy me more instantly, but playing the long game, that's going to be a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. If it's just someone you hate, you can just...

I could live an extra 10 years if someone i really hated was on the island just out of spite you know just out of out of being driven to succeed yeah yeah at their expense okay and who's going to round off the trio with you then i think uh a man i don't know uh being uh as as a lady uh one of the most dangerous people i can think of uh so just someone who seems nice but that you can't trust okay and then you've got a dependent, horrible child and a clueless woman to sort of protect. And someone that that was useful enough that you that they were perfectly you had to engage with them. There was no reason not to. But you constantly had your doubts. Yeah, right. That they might attack you or the child.

Yeah. So, I mean, I suppose, like, you'd be going off going, I'm just going to get some firewood. And he goes, oh, well, let me come with you. And you're like, no, no, no, you stay there. So you couldn't get any use out of them. He's technically done nothing that you can say to say, no, no, we don't trust you. Please go away to the other side of the island.

So you just constantly have to keep an eye on him because he's just a little sneaky. It would be like, you know, that problem where there's like, okay, you've got to get these things across the river, but there's like a chicken and a sack of grain and a fox and you can't have two of them on the boat at the same time. It'd be like that because you're like, well, you can't go on your own with him into the forest

because he might not be trustworthy, but you can't go into the forest on your own because then he's there with the kid and the other woman. So like what, do you take one of them with you? But you can't take all of them with you because it's a fucking liability. I would say the other woman would really think he was fine, but you've sort of decided maybe he's not.

And so, you know, he can't be left alone with anybody and you can't be left alone with him. So then you all have to stay together at all times. And that just in itself makes everything so much more. Because, you know, at least if you're all together, he's there. He can carry stuff with you. Yes. But also then you've got the other two tripping along,

so actually then it negates any useful. Yeah. Oh, this is interesting. And if it was just the woman and the child, you could leave them together. You know, she's probably not going to hurt the kid or she's just a bit useless. And then, you know, I can go off and do other survival things.

But if he's there, I don't quite trust him not to kill them and eat them. Or, you know, worse. And so you constantly have to maintain this perfect balance of everything is fine. But we can't actually separate at all yeah just this constant elephant in the room oh man that's exhausting this is really uh yeah i'm sorry if this is not not the correct way to go about this no this is brilliant no i love it it's great because it's really it's a brilliant take on it i think that yeah i'm just it's because it's making me go slightly dizzy i think just thinking of like the

different permutations. What is the worst way, you know, if, cause I thought it would be cheating if I just said I would like to be in an island with the three of my worst enemies and then, you know, I would enjoy that too much. Three people who are fine, you know, if you get get rescued it's going to be in the paper that you know you killed a perfectly nice lawyer or something like that or left them to die so you know you have to maintain the perfect balance yeah no i think that's brilliant just the absolute like

weight of calculations and responsibility and worry, everything. It's an absolute recipe for disaster. I think it's perfect. If you get put into a badly matched team at work or something and you are trapped with those people for this project's duration, but none of you should be working together because you don't actually work together but there's no alternative yeah and you can't tell

them to hurry up because they'll just start crying and you're like you know yeah yeah fair enough i think that's a brilliant brilliant uh group of people you've got there today he i think he says things like but what did i do a lot yeah yeah and you can never have it out because you're always in front of the other two and you can't have that argument in front of them and he's a danger yeah you know he's still there if you argue with him you know he doesn't go away oh that's good That's good. Laura, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I really don't like eggplants. Okay. Like aubergine. Aubergine, yeah. So, aubergine or eggplant in the UK? We'd say aubergine, yeah.

Okay, aubergines. So maybe tinned aubergines. That sounds revolting to subsist on and not particularly sustaining. Yeah, I don't know what their nutritional properties are. Yeah, I mean, they're one of those sort of you have to put in quite a lot of effort you know like if you sort of half-arse it they're really hard and shit you know you've can't they're not like occasionally you're like what am i gonna cook for dinner i need to bulk this up i've got an aubergine yes but yeah if you put them into last minute and you're like oh

fucking hell now i've got to wait an extra 40 minutes because this thing's still hard and rubbish yes yeah yeah so so i i don't like tin sardines i think they're disgusting yeah absolutely but i would be more grateful for them in a desert island survival situation because they come with vitamins minerals fatty acids you know all sorts of things that you need and they have more energy. And yet if you had something that was also disgusting, but also provided very little nutrition, I think that would be the worst. Yeah. And I think it's something that's like, it's just outside your sort of average selection of fruit and veg enough to make the child be very fussy.

Oh yeah, there's no way they're eating the tinned aubergines yeah i just i've no idea what they're useful for do you know what i mean like most food you've got an idea of like spinach has iron bananas have potassium like why do we know that bananas have potassium because we don't even know what potassium is for but we know that that's the source but what's an aubergine got in it it's probably one of the ones like vitamin k that no one understands or something yeah um yeah yeah good choice yeah i leave them out a lot of the time but you know that to me that they're not worth eating then whatever they have i'll take a multivitamin and i won't eat the aubergine i'll get fiber another way that's there's no need but desert island situation you, you might need to have it.

Yeah. I mean, I like them. But as I say that, I just remember I've just thrown one out that has been in our fridge so long it's gone moldy. So obviously I'm not that excited to eat it. Do you know what I mean? Because it's been there long enough to go bad. So, yeah, that's a good choice. You're a podcast listener.

And this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. And what would you wash it down with? What would your drink choice be?

I feel like the drink, again, to make it the worst possible situation, it should just be like a caffeinated energy drink. Oh, yeah, good. Like something, possibly something alcoholic as well, like some sort of drink that will only make you insane, that the other three can't stop drinking. So if you had somebody who was going insane on alcoholic energy drinks. Like a pre-mixed Red Bull and vodka or something like that. Exactly that.

I feel like it should just be that, washed up in a cargo ship. And so you've got a child, a potential predator, and a useless lady just sort of on turbo at all times yeah i feel like that's that's the way to make it worse yeah fucking hell that's yeah that's perfect i especially i mean thing is even if you didn't have this cocktail of people it would just be horrendous having to drink energy drinks all the time because yeah i mean i don't drink them at all yeah and they dehydrate you you know it's worse than water it's worse than you know you'd be more hydrated off a can of fanta or something like that drinking the juicer of the aubergine tin yeah probably it should be

one of those zero calorie ones as well so you get absolutely nothing from it not even you know basic glucose yeah oh man i think also those drinks i just baffle me because red bull someone invented it when okay this does a job it gets you from A to B in terms of like energy. So this is the price you have to pay as it tastes like medicine because it basically is. But because it was like the first thing like that, everyone just went, oh, well, I'll just get used to this flavour then

and decide if I like it or not. You know, and it's quite a sort of love it or hate it thing. And then all the drinks that came after that, they were like, oh, right, so we're meant to copy what this tastes like because it tastes bad but if you make one that genuinely tasted nice people don't want that they want the red bull taste it's like but that's not a good taste it's like it's not like someone made coke and everyone went that's quite nice yeah okay we'll try and make that you know it's just very sweet let's make a coke drink i was going we've got to make the fucking medicine drink.

And then that's what you're stuck with. I guess it's that thing of people want it to feel medicinal. They want it to feel like you would have a shot of something sort of foul tasting. Because you're like, yeah, this is going to get me really drunk. This is really strong alcohol. Great. You sort of want like power energy must taste bad i suppose so you know sometimes like in london on the tube like in

the morning commute and you'll get like a load of people like with just cans of red bull yes and it's just like at least i don't really like coffee that much but the smell of coffee in the morning is fine you know it's it sort of works that's what you should coffee in the morning is fine it sort of works, that's what you should smell in the morning when you get on like a tube carriage and there's just this waft of Red Bull like little bar flies or something

yeah, my mother is a high school teacher and they are in constant pleading negotiations with the milk bar down the road from the school to please do not sell energy drinks to kids in our school uniform because then they're not meant to have them and they're coming into like like they're trying to go through a full day at school on you know two to three cans of red ball oh man yeah um so my friend james who started this podcast and used to host it he uh he know

loads of punks who went who were like really straight edge you know so like no no drink or drugs he said they'd just drink shit loads of red ball and before they went to a gig and i'm like but that's that's the same, isn't it? Isn't that cheating? Like, you're not supposed to like, there's not supposed to be loopholes for being straight edge, surely. It's like, it's like all or nothing, you know. When I was a teenager, I lived in the bush. So there wasn't a lot to do.

It was a lot of forest and not much else. And so I used to sort of meet up in somebody's orchard or shed or something and drink on folding chairs. And the cool thing to do was to drink, you know, can after can of energy drink, you know, mixed with alcohol. But then there's also there's nothing to do you're just you're just in you're just in a peaceful nature scape with six seven cans of bread yeah just start howling at the moon or something just walk around the clothesline really really fast oh man yeah oh so i think yeah this is a great choice then again i mean so even if you didn't have the dependence just the idea of just having like a sugar-free alcoholic energy drink in a hot

island on your own and that's all you can drink and then add in the dependence oh this is this is brilliant yeah and the guys would always be saying like well it's fine if i just have one like you know you can't stop them from taking it but then you have to deal with the consequences you've been awake for seven days and because you're awake i have to be awake because i can't fucking trust you yeah oh yeah no no hydration no no energy from like no actual you know sugar nothing that would would keep you going naturally amazing just brain altering chemicals okay now laura fortunately you won't be well entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? I think I really don't like the song Hotel California. No. I think that would really upset me. Yeah. It's particularly because it's quite often played on repeat. Yeah. It's not uncommon to get maybe two or three Hotel Californias in a row. But also it's about eight minutes long. So even if you hear it once, you feel like you're hearing it a million times. Yes.

It's needlessly long. I don't understand why, because nothing else happens in it. It's just fucking long. It's like American Pie is like that as well. And it's like, there's no like big solo or anything that would justify it being so long. And it loops around enough that you're never quite sure where you are. You know, it's not like bohemian rhapsody which is a long song but you know you it's got milestones in it you know it's

got landmarks you know you know there's a couple of key changes you know you know you know where you are you could mark time by bohemian rhapsody but i feel like Hotel California will just spin you into a sense of perpetual but also people love it so you probably have to play it yeah oh man yeah it's it's you're right it would be an ideal soundtrack for just like just lingering along the whole time like yeah uh I'm bored should we should we I know it's the only song we've got should we put a hotel california on it's already on yeah it's already on you didn't notice it's just been on since we landed they've had three or four you know red bull zero sugar and then pop on hotel california sort of the way they use the Queen soundtrack in Shaun of the Dead,

sort of those songs everyone knows so well that you almost don't hear them anymore. Yeah. Yeah, I just think it's just sort of inoffensive and boring, and it's a sort of wallpaper, is it? It's like an audio wallpaper. And, I mean, in a way way it would be quite a good soundtrack to i mean if people were watching you you know if you recorded everything on the island and

watching you go mad you know like some bizarre reality show then it would kind of that sort of eerie eeriness to it of never changing it kind of goes quite well with it in that it's just yeah weird background and also the idea of just someone talking about a lovely hotel that's brilliant and you're just on this fucking awful island you know the juxtaposition is quite pleasant and they're talking about pink champagne on ice and you've got warm vodka red bull yes yeah i think it's i think it's the perfect hellscape tune i think you're right as well um and what would your film choice be uh the film would be uh the film willow oh yes because when i was at school uh our school only had one vhs

and it was willow so uh every day the teacher didn't quite feel like working or we were having a day off or classes or anything they would put Willow on but that means I've probably already seen that film maybe 54 times mandatory so I feel like if that film came back to haunt me I still I don't really know what it's about or what happens what is it like it's sort of pixie it's kind of fantasy isn't it there's is there a talking goat I feel like there's yeah yes I think uh it's one of those

ones which again I feel like I could watch it another 54 times and still not get it yeah and i feel like that would destroy me on an island to the the desire to finally watch willow and understand what's happening i feel i would be compelled to put it on it wouldn't be like uh there's other movies i don't like uh there's you know ones that i would be happy to just go oh well there's no movies you know that's too easy to say oh it's my least favorite movie i'm not watching it because it's a sort of a kid's film but from like from a long time ago it probably wouldn't entertain the kid that much because he's a modern kid and it's like something's changed you know like if i show my son an equivalent cart like he was watching a modern version of inspector gadget today and then i showed him like

the original inspector gadget and like just i don't know like the quality is not quite as good it's not quite as fast paced as the modern one and he's like uh you know he's not into it he's only three and a half but there's that weird shift so that you can be like this will entertain the kid and they're not buying it at all it's like putting on a silent film yeah like oh here's a jolly number this is a young man called charlie chaplin you might know about yes and fred astaire but look at the footwork it's uh mesmerizing i can imagine like the um sort of annoying woman might quite like willow because it's kind of yeah gentle escapism yeah reminds her you know pleasant childhood memories things like that um so i feel like if just for me if i was stuck watching it ever again after having already been you know haunted by it

for five years at this school I think that's yeah that's the perfect one yeah nice okay good well Laura finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Yes. Again, there's animals I like less. Like, you know, I don't think I'd like there to be, you know, lots of sea snakes or, you know, venomous things on the island. But I feel in terms of compounding the situation if there was a large predator

not a bear because you see them coming a lot of the time um but maybe like a like a tiger or jaguar some sort of stalking menace to our lives i think that's one one where even I would not wish to go off by myself in case I got killed by a tiger. So you would constantly have to stay together. Yeah. And I think there's something about having, say if it's a tiger, something so beautiful and majestic, it'd be quite exciting to see it in the wild. But every time you saw it, you know,

that would be the worst thing that could happen. So you'd be like, oh, there's the tiger. No, no, fuck, there's you saw it you know that would be the worst thing that could happen so you'd be like oh there's the tiger no no fuck there's the tiger you know and like if you manage to kill it one day then that's awful because you've killed a tiger but also it's a fucking tiger endangered yeah but it is just like a really fast powerful thing with knives for hands. Yes. And, you know, if it was a bear or something, you can go, okay, the bear's over there, great. We know where the bear is. But a tiger could be, they could be fucking anywhere.

You know, they're very well camouflaged. Yeah, wily. Yeah, I think that's a good one. I think if I see my cat hunting a mouse, because my cat's useless and he'll just toy with it forever until I eventually catch the mouse and hide it somewhere else in the garden, I always just think how horrible a death that must be to be sort of relentlessly pursued by something that kind of wants to play with you as much as it wants to kill you

and just kept alive for that bit. I don't know if a tiger would do that if they're just probably not fuck around as much because they're not as well fed as as a domestic cat so they just go straight to the eating part but i mean just that sort of maybe just feeling your life in the balance of a big cat is horrendous yeah i think i think yeah a stalking menace is probably the worst way for that to go. I mean, also, I mean, we're saying that the islands overran with them as well. So, I mean, like, then you're really just, I mean, that's just, you're fucked, basically. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, when you're asking, no, there's heaps of tigers. They're not endangered. They're all on this one fucking island. Fair enough. endangered they're all on this one fucking island fair enough well look laura i think you have put together a brilliant selection of uh people and things that would make your island an absolutely inhospitable place to live and uh i think i think you've done a superb job so thank you very much for for doing that thank you as as a masochist a total pleasure now um obviously, obviously, yeah, you're now in New Zealand,

so things are all a bit up in the air. I mean, where's the best place for people to keep up to date with what you're doing at the minute? You can follow me on Twitter, at Laura Davies Comic, or on Instagram. But I just released a lovely comedy album. I recorded it in a cupboard under the stairs, and it's last year's Edinburgh Friends

show which I've re-recorded as a not quite an audio book not quite a stand-up show somewhere in between with this lovely layered in soundscape that my producer put in it's been really lovely which you can buy on my website oh nice one brilliant well so go and check that out and thank you very much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today thanks for having me