Desert Island Dicks - LAURA SMYTH

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

Comedian Laura Smyth joins us to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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for everyone on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks, which is the podcast you're about to listen to, obviously. This episode features the brilliant Laura Smith, and everything else you will need to know from here on out is fairly well explained, so I won't go into that here, but Laura is very funny, so you should enjoy it. Also, please do subscribe to this podcast, and if you like it, give us a little rating on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts, because it means a lot, and if you don't like it just don't leave a review do nothing it's

fine anyway here's Desert Island Dicks with Laura Smith. Hi I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Laura Smith. Hello. Hello. How are you doing? I'm very well, how are you? Good, good. I know that we're supposed to be easing out of lockdown but I'm just sort of used to my lockdown life now so I'm kind of content almost. Yeah, same. I've got a sort of shotgun on the veranda now just getting at people.

Thank you for coming on today. How have you found the process of choosing your dicks today well um at the risk of sort of virtue signaling signaling or being holier than now i found it quite a struggle because everyone i thought of i thought oh well i'm sure i'd learn something from them or you know that that sort of i'm sure i would find a way to get along maybe that would be interesting and being all kind of nice about it and also trying not to be a sort of troll about it because I thought actually I don't know anyone in the park I don't know these people maybe they're really nice and and then I thought now let's get mean so I had to dig deep for a proper bit of mean I did okay well I hope it hasn't been too too much of a struggle than that maybe there was a bit of catharsis in there to sort of lighten the load um okay well let's dive

right in then who's going to be your first choice well i think it's maybe a bit of an obvious one i've gone for michael gove i'm sure a lot of people can take pot shots at the uh government i'm going to flag up that i've not ever watched one of the daily briefings i don't know why i'm advertising that so it's not really the current climate but um i have been a teacher for many years. And when he was the education secretary, he was a little bit mean. And I think he kind of typifies a certain kind of Tory sort of chauvinism, you know, that they can only embrace their experience and worldview and not have any compassion or insight into where other people are coming from, like the kids that you teach in an inner-city London school

and, you know, the books that he decided to insult or the structures that he put in place and doing away with so much creativity and without any insight into or understanding of where these young learners were coming from. So it's him and he just looks like, you know, a real caricature of an evil, nasty man, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah.

I remember Frankie Boyle describing him once as looking like a haunted ventriloquist puppet carved from the actual yew tree that yew tree was named after. And I thought, I couldn't come up with anything better than that, so I'm just quoting him. Yeah, nail on the head. And who was, someone else described shaking his hand, like reaching into a dilated cow,

which I just can imagine as well. Yeah, he just looks so damp, doesn't he? Yeah, damp. It's like someone sort of, he has to be sprayed constantly to keep his skin moist. Is it all politicians or is it just Tories? They look like a flesh-coloured Play-Doh has been put in a suit and then just squeezed the suit and then their flesh comes out and forms some sort of similar face type shape.

Yeah, like the creator was sort of making his little people and just went, oh, I can't be bothered. And just, oh, they've got crushed in my pocket. Never mind, they'll do. Yeah. It all looks fairly undefinable to me. I don't know. And I think that's an easy pot shot.

I could have gone, of course, for Dominic Cummings. I could have done Boris Johnson, although he's served on the front line now because he's actually had the old Covid. But well, I mean, there's an embarrassment of riches and you want to take pot shots at a cabinet. But I think Michael Gove is particularly dangerous because he does seem like he's someone who will just change his mind to fit whatever will get him closer to power. You know, and then he'll be sort of so in favour of it. He came out with the, I think the public have had enough of experts line, which I think has probably been one of the most damaging things that's been said in the last 10 years.

Well, that's it. Where was his expertise when he was diving in on education? We've had enough of experts. We kind of want a few more, actually. Exactly. And it's like, where does that leave you then? Because that's okay of us saying we've had enough yeah we kind of want a few more actually exactly and it's like where does that leave you then it just because once that's okay of us saying we've had enough of experts then never you're never going to consult anyone who knows more about something than you

you know as soon as so you say to anyone oh actually i do know about this because i specialize in this area people have enough of experts yeah you know like that's that's just like you're up against a rock wall of of intolerance and just refusal to learn but this is it and and when it's kind of i don't know yeah if it was a sort of working class kind of voice they'd just be exposed for their ignorance there's some sort of like pig-headed ignorance that seems to be allowed in a sort of etonian sort of toffee way do you know what i mean yeah and there was a thing wasn't it recently was it um i don't want to get this wrong but was it stormzy came out with some opinions on twitter

and then michael gove was saying oh well he's hardly a political expert you know well but but you've said that so hang on we don't trust experts but no one else is allowed to have an opinion oh you only want to hear yourself speak, I get it and push an agenda and I don't know so I feel like I can go with him because it feels personal

and I just spend the whole time arguing and I'm really getting into the desert island what would mess with my mojo sort of frame of mind, and he really would because I'd just want to beat him up and argue with him constantly. Yeah, and he doesn't look like he'd fare very well. He'd be sort of quite limp and, you know,

oh, the sun's too hot, oh, I'm a bit too hot, oh, I get burnt, oh, can you fetch the water today? This is it. I'd be exploited. I'd finally land on a desert island thinking i could just have some chill time and i'll be getting exploited somehow i'm patronized yeah yeah i think it's simultaneously kind of do you down for being a woman but and but also get you to do all the hard work yeah yeah a good choice and an awful man an awful man yeah i think he he also has sort of, that smug getting the last word in thing

that I think would just be excruciating to sit through on a desert island, wouldn't it? Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the sun's going down. No, it isn't. Oh, well, okay. It's just a cloud. All right, fine.

Yeah. Yeah, very good choice. And who's your second choice? Who's going to be joining you in Gove? Well, another one. Again, I'm proper in the mode of who would mess with my flow on a desert island and it might be a bit of a weird one or maybe not you know um tony robbins the big big loud gravelly voiced powerhouse life guru billionaire yes yeah i find him really unnerving yeah because it's all sort of how to improve your life here's how i did it why aren't you a billionaire that sort of thing

well this is it and there's a sort of kind of evangelical sort of church kind of hysteria at these massive auditoriums he sells out with people that are probably really quite desperate for change and need some real fundamental sort of changes in their lives spend sort of 1500 3000 pounds on a ticket have all the hyped up answers and then are left then they walk away and go oh hang on and i know from my own sort of experiences of making huge changes, you know, I've had the career change and going into comedy, it doesn't work like that. You have to have sustained commitment.

And it's a little bit too jazz and razzmatazz and kind of fireworky and exploitative. And you're a billionaire. Yeah. You know, there's something going on here and i just find um you know he's got this whole team behind him i watched the netflix documentary i'm not your guru which kind of really this emotional um quite emotional moments in it but you think well hang on a minute these people are i just think i'm exploiting vulnerable people again maybe and just

that energy as well i could just imagine if I wanted to be on a desert island, you know, just catch my fish, feel the fire, get back on the hammock and I just think that he'd be too imposing. And I can imagine any of your faults, he'd use other people as a mirror to hold up to your faults and be like, see, you didn't catch that fish because you went in there with the wrong attitude see mike mickey gove over there he came in there

with a good attitude he's used this he's used the situation to his advantage you know be more mickey what's the mantra of the island be more mickey that's what we get i think definitely i feel like i'm being really earnest and not funny at all on this but you know I think what always amazes me about people like that because you see I mean I remember watching a Louis Theroux documentary years ago about hypnotists and it was a similar kind of thing and there are all these people in a conference that have paid a thousand pounds or whatever to be in a conference and there's a billionaire telling you that it's his techniques that have allowed him to become a millionaire and you're like, there's 5,000 people in this auditorium

and they've paid a grand each. You could be talking about frozen peas for an hour. It doesn't mean... That's not why you're successful. It's because I talk about whatever the fuck I want. If you've all paid me a grand, that's why I'm rich. And then you go, I followed all the steps and grand that's why i'm rich and then you go i followed all the steps and i'm not successful ah but did you follow 0.7b that's why you're a failure

or did you maybe you just didn't believe enough it's like no it's because they don't have an auditorium of people fucking spending money it's that simple and and it's using like you say sell bloody frozen peas do a cookery expo because it's a very dangerous territory to get into to make people's vulnerability the product almost isn't it it's like going yeah and and it's like when people have these positive affirmations positive visualization boards and i just think that's not actually the route to success when you watch because um i watch a lot of rockumentaries and all that sort of stuff. It's always like, oh yeah, well, this band needed a bassist and I saw it in the NME and now we're queen.

You know, it's always like, and that's how success comes, you know, just following your nose and going for it. Not kind of, wake up at 5am and have a cold shower. And it's like, oh, alright, bro. Yeah. And I think that sort of um mentality is you know really sort

of pervaded society as well because you see it a lot in things like the x factor and it's like oh if you want it enough you know and it's like there's loads of people who failed who really did want it enough but at the end of the day they needed to pay the rent and that's why they didn't carry on or like you can just be shit at stuff and really want it but you're not a good singer you know like i could want to be beyonce it's not going to happen yeah you know well for all manner of reasons yeah to index it to some sort of kind of spiritual realm or self-belief or anything like that and if there are sort of for instance blocks within you that are stopping you kind of go for stuff or believe in yourself that's go and get go and get a bit of

sustained sort of therapy not some big like i say the fireworks and like a headpiece shouting in an auditorium it's i think it's exploitative and i think also again success is loads and loads and loads of little steps and kind of maneuvering and all that and it's not whatever someone's definition says it's not this huge sort of life-changing transition from a long weekend of... Do you know what I mean? It's just too much. And I don't know. He's a billionaire.

Yeah. And like you say, luck does always play a part as well. It's like, you know, there are probably other Tony Robbinses out there who aren't successful as him, you know, for whatever reason, you know. And, yeah, it's like people do just fall into bands sometimes. Yeah, I think it is, like you say, it's just, it's very cynical and horrible. You know, he always comes at it from an angle of, you know, wanting to help people.

Like, I want you to be a success. I want you to make it out of here and turn your life around. It's like, well, why don't you do it for free then? Yeah, I know yeah this is it i mean our our own guru russell brand in this country he's he's kind of got a model where he's i've realized i'm a huge fan but kind of almost selling the 12-step program like people can go into their local church and join an aa or na or do you understand what i mean there's sort of making self-improvement as a product kind of freaks me out a little bit and also you know like i don't want to bring it down to money but if you have got a few quid most things are a bit easier it's not going to make

you happier if you've got problems before there's loads of millionaires with loads of issues and substance issues and things like that but you know if you're not also worrying about paying the bills or getting food in for your family, it does help a bit. Not to say that people with money can't also be right about things and preach a little bit, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, a bit heavy. I feel like I'm being really heavy.

No, not at all. We have people put their own parents on the island sometimes. I didn't think of that. And I'm sure that tony robbins might have featured previously so i mean you're in good company i just think it'd be very difficult that everything that happens will be your fault you know for not wanting it enough i mean the only benefit would be that if being stuck on an island could be quite a leveler and when you're hauling in more fish than him at the end of the day i mean that would be a sweet feeling to be like oh tony i think maybe you're not directing your uh your want for food in the right way yeah or like he'd still be fashioning

a sort of earpiece and headset out of twigs and leaves just to give him the sort of power trip that's what i could imagine you know rather than getting down to brass tacks i mean he could be a really kind of practical person, but I just wouldn't want that time for introspection, really, I think. No, no. Self-improvement. Or if you did want it, you want to be able to do it on your own, not have it, like, shouted at you.

I don't know. I'm trying to get some fish. I can't recall what my dad did wrong. And Gove's going to cos cozy up to him straight away isn't he because he's i mean gove is someone who holds the bully's jacket isn't he's that kind of guy he's not a leader so i'd be well on the outside of all of that definitely yeah god what a melting pot of dicks already but that's only two of them who's going to be your third well in the in the interest of gender equality i thought i've got to have a bird in there tonight so i um i don't know if it needs much explanation i feel really mean amanda holden amanda holden okay talk us through it first of all to quote the the

legend uh danny dyer she's only famous for having a roll about with Les Dennis. I'm a big Les Dennis fan. Maybe that comes into it. But I think, again, I don't really recognise a lot of her talent. I don't really get that. And she's chuffed to bits with herself, she is, I think. Just chuffed to bits with herself.

And you touched on it in X Factor, this idea of gatekeepers. They walk out on Britain's Got Talent like they're from the capital in the Hunger Games with you know polished shiny dressed and big grins happy with themselves and they sit there and say we know what it is

we know how to you can get there we're the gatekeepers we're like it's like some Greek gods or something and they say you've got it or you haven't and and it really annoys me because again going back to success you know like any success i've had in comedy or it doesn't work like that you go well keep working hard forever and ever amen and you might sustain a career that's all there's not you've got it you haven't and i just and i just yeah so i've picked on her i could have picked any of the lineup but tiny teeth as well

but also she's not i mean being a presenter is a skill in itself right i mean you know like i had a go at radio presenting in my younger years and i'm not very good at it you know know, there's people that can do that kind of smooth presenting and people that can't. But it's not like that doesn't mean you're the arbiter of all sort of musical success. I mean, the person singing, I would say, is arguably a bigger talent than being a presenter. But what is she? Is she a presenter? She's a judge. What is she? I don't know. Isn't she just a presenter? Was she an actress? Actor? I don't know isn't she just a was she an actress actor i don't know this hello but don't but you should know because she is the judge of whether other people can do stuff but this is it it seems insane i mean if you've got no sort of discernible skill other than kind of just giving

opinions then i don't know i mean that qualifies you to be a judge to some extent, but I kind of... It's like they always have pop stars that haven't done that well. So it's not really for you to say, is it? And if we get now, let's just really get into it then, because you've painted the picture for me of on the desert island. She's sitting there. You've got Gove... You've got Tony Robbins marching about, telling everyone how to live.

Gove cosying up to him, exploiting me. And her sitting there judging the fish that I've trawled in. Yeah, yeah. And I think, I mean, this is completely unsubstantiated. I'm just guessing. But she sort of seems like the person who would like a mantra or two to live by. And so on that, do you know what I mean? Oh, live, laugh, love all over the show. So I think that and Tony Rob do you know what i mean it's like live love love all over yeah so i think that and tony robbins combined you know it's like yeah tony

agree agree i mean i did this uh course of yours and she'd have had a two-week juice cleanse yoga retreat and yeah it changed her life that's what happened yeah definitely she'd be the sort of quick fix and a bit botoxy i'm not kind of throwing shade but a little bit you know she does look very brittle brittle quite brittle you know she's got talent yeah she's got tiny teeth she's a bit brittle and i don't know i feel that some presenters feel more genuine than others and others seem like they've rolled off a factory production line in Surrey somewhere. I always think in Surrey there's this big warehouse

that's like churning them out. Do a load of Love Island contestants, here you go, and then, you know, she just feels like one of those a little bit. It doesn't feel very sort of organic you know yeah she leaves me a bit cold i don't i don't know what i don't know i don't know what she is and i think i'm this part of me that's quite scared of really groomed women that know how

to do that you know they just smell nice and i'm a little bit like you know and i just feel like uh yeah you know you want to sort of slap their legs or ruffle their head or something, do you know what I mean? Yeah. There's that sort of porcelain look to her, isn't there? Yeah. Well, I think these guys are going to get along famously, but that's probably a downside for you. Yeah, I can't.

I'm actually getting a little bit nauseous thinking about how horrendous it'll be. I'm only picturing the whole scene, yeah. Okay, well, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad well i've got a bit of an issue here because i can't i don't think i can name food that i dislike i just don't't think I can. At best, scallops are something I think, what are you? Because they've kind of got the consistency of whitefish and shellfish all at the same time. I get confused by them.

But I decided that my worst food to be on a desert island would be crisps. Okay. Because I'm addicted to them. Right. Scarily so. So I think the only benefit I can think of of being on a desert island is just losing loads of weight and how healthy I'd be.

But if crisps were a factor, if it was a massive plane that crashed with only crisps left, that would be me, really. I just think I've got to... I was saying how Elton John had to write a farewell letter to cocaine? I think that's what I'd have to do.

I'd have to pen a letter to crisps and say, look, we've had a good run. We've shared many a good time. We've accompanied many a good pint, but just stop now. Yeah, I often think that the only limiting factor to how many crisps I could eat is just the size of the bag. Do you know what I mean? Or if there's more in my house or whatever right there's such danger and like poppadoms i can include them in crisps i think i could eat more poppadoms than any other by weight than any other food i think unreal i mean

that it's that mindless thing of i don't i don't know how it's done that's it my limit to crisps would be the limit to crisps in the whole world. It is unreal. It's like popcorn, though, isn't it? It's a really satisfying thing. So I'm trying to think of new fun things to do with my son while we're in lockdown. And the other day I was like, oh, right, I'm going to make popcorn. And then you see how it's made and that's fun and it's kind of healthy-ish for you,

but it's like crisp, so let's have some popcorn. And it's just, I didn't even want want any but I was just stuffing it into my face and it just sort of sensorily it takes up every you know it's like the touch the crunch it doesn't really fill you up so you can just keep stuffing it in you know it's just like it's empty but it just is so satisfying in so many ways um there must be a science yeah you've described it quite well the sensory experience because my relationship with food is really weird like i'm because i'm always having to cook for kids or do that sort of stuff so i feel like i have to think about food but generally i'm not the sort of person you know i've got pals and people that like oh well i

downloaded the pdf of the restaurant menu so i know what i'm gonna get or they'll be like oh i've seen they've got an actually really good restaurant they're all thinking about food or planning meals and all that sort of stuff i'm kind of not like that sort of person i'm i do love food but when it's in front of me there's some sort of blindness that overcomes me like oh i seem to have eaten everyone's food you know i mean and um so like you said that's it the crisps the popcorn those sorts of things it's the mindlessness of the consumption that i don't know could you get could you slip into a coma from crisps could you if anyone was gonna push it to that limit it'd be me yeah it's weird isn't it there's sort of things that i notice sometimes that um

like certain things you can just eat like i love apples i always i a lot of apples and i realize sometimes i'll eat them so quickly i forget if i've eaten one or not i'm like did i just leave it in the kitchen no i did it's just gone i don't even remember eating it so it's like you're stuffing it in so quick and i do the same with crisps i'm like i didn't even get any satisfaction because i was so autopilot with it. I don't even know if I ate it or not. So I like good replacements in my fridge, like a gherkin. Even those sort of fish sticks, you know, like non-food crab sticks that's probably constructed from what they've swept from the fish market floors each day. That's a good little substitute.

Or just a carrot here and there. Oh, actually, I should have put that one. You know pre-cut carrot batons that taste like fuzz? They're sort of soft, aren't they? They're kind of rubbery. Yeah. Clown. Yeah, they're weird.

Pigs. Well, I'll let you take them as well. And, I mean, going back to scallops as well. Is it scallop or scallop? I never remember. Scallops, scallops as well is it scallop or scallop i never remember scallops i've got issue with them because you always see them on things like masterchef and they look great and they're sort of they feel exotic because they're quite small and they're quite posh and they kind of look great you know and everyone's like oh yeah i've cooked a scallop with blah blah blah and then when i tried them i was so underwhelmed it's like, oh, yeah, I've cooked a scallop with blah, blah, blah. And then when I tried them, I was so underwhelmed. It's like, this isn't, I mean, it's not, they're pleasant, but they're not,

they shouldn't be on the pedestal of seafood, which they're on. And I love, I mean, I love seafood. I love an oyster. For me, oysters are just the champagne of food. They really are. I know people can be weirded out by them, but for me, they really do live up to the hype an oyster. And, but a scallop, yeah, you pon poncy little liar that's what i think about it and it has got the consistency of a sort

of tough white fish yeah but not quite a shellfish but they're a bit there's a jelliness to them as well there's sort of it's like are you soft are you hard yeah who are you yeah yeah yeah and i love black pudding and you can only ever get black pudding in a nice restaurant because it's always in little cute fried cubes on scallops i was like no i just want black i just love yeah that annoys me yeah someone's decided that's the pairing isn't it it's like that's what you get yeah it's always the two well um should we say that, because I only briefly went for it. Well, you know, I think a lot of hosting this podcast is, you know, I'm like you, I'm not that fussy about food. But I am open to the idea that some things that I'll, you know, eat quite happily are also dicks, you know.

I'm kind of like quite a bad devil's advocate in that I just agree with most things but you know well we could say scallops and crisps and I'm going to throw in a little half arsed accompaniment of those floppy carrot sticks that you get in pre-packed things and what would your drink choice be?

well I've kind of got two things here as well I'm going to go for gin okay gin's had a bit of a resurgence I just don't get it it's all really tarted up at the minute but it just feels like a bit of a

miserable old drink really it's having a bit of a fancy resurgence along with unicorns and avocados and hashtags and eyebrows but i mean like they've all got the same pr firm apparently i think it feels to me like and this i haven't researched this but it feels like the whole keep calm and carry on thing and gin they sort of came up together because it was like oh this is quintessentially british it's like oh don't worry have a gin gin o'clock mummy likes the gin you know it's sort of and now there's all these different types and it's like i know behind

i like gin but i feel like behind every interesting independent gin that you see there's just some twat in a tweed waistcoat with one of those curly moustaches you know of course we're very excited we've just launched the East London Gin Company because that's what it would be called there probably is one I'm not trying to slander anyone

if there is one I just tried to make that up but do you know what I mean it's like it's just got a whiff of kind of twat about it yeah i'm afraid so and i feel like i'm gonna hurt people's feelings and and also again i'm such a weirdo but maybe going back to amanda holden it's like a girl it's it's it's the drink of people that got their shit together as well do you know like i've been to the gym all day and i'm just gonna

have gin and slimline tonics tonight because they know how many calories or sins or pro points or whatever's in it or proteins in it and i just think oh why are you thinking about stuff like that and i just the deep satisfaction of a pint i don't know i like i mean i like a mixer you know i like um i like a i like a vodka i like a martini i don't mind it i'm not totally against it but there's just something that what comes with it they're like oh gin and it is mother's ruin isn't it i'll get weepy on a gin i do like that it's got a name like mother's ruin yeah i think that that to be honest that's in its favor i think you know like mother's ruin and stella gets called wife beater which is kind of not that nice but I think I'd like there to be more drinks with names like that.

Yeah, yeah. Because I do like it. But the other thing that puts me off gin, even though, as I say, I do like it, is nowadays if you go into a pub, not that we can, but in those halcyon days, now if you order a gin and tonic in central London at least, you get served in a fucking fish bowl this is what i'm saying these enormous goblets and i don't i'm not like i'm a bloke i can't have a bloody nice glass with a stem like not at all but it's it's just i don't like it

it's a scallop again it's something dressed up as a like i say it's it's mother's ruin or it's like eliza doolittle telling the story of you know biting biting the uh the spoon right off when she's being fed gin or it's to me it's such a sort of i don't know like don't they drink gin in 1984 as well it's like it might as well it's such a it's it's been dressed up as something that's fancy schmancy and i just feel like calm down gin yeah we know what you are yeah we're all gonna be crying in a minute yeah and someone's telling me there's like a study where in times of austerity that you there's a historical context of gin like you were saying they keep calm and carry on like the the laws allowing the independent distilleries come about that's why it often has a resurgence

google it because i'm i'm pathetically paraphrasing this and could have researched it before i come on your podcast but like it is part of austerity gin is a sort of keep, you know, I don't know, like a keep calm and carry on sort of drink. Yeah, like a sort of sedative of the people. A sedative, yeah. And it often has a resurgence during these times because it's a cheap and kind of perfunctory drink dressed up in a fishbowl with scallops and an Amanda holden stirrer

and i think that because i like i like vodka over gin i think but and i think that i could be wrong about this but i'm pretty sure that gin is just you start off with the spirit and then you add all the juniper and stuff to it because i think if you just have vodka you have to craft the spirit to get something that you could drink on its own. Because I think gin is just like, they just get a spirit and then they add loads of botanicals in. So it's not, it feels like it's less effort. You know, like I tried to get my brother-in-law a make your own gin kit one year for Christmas because he was expressing an interest. And all it was is like, you basically got a bottle of vodka with some stuff to stick in it and flavour it. And I'm like, well, that's no No wonder there's so many independent gin companies,

because it's a piece of piss. Yes. This is what I'm saying. It's a little bit of fur coat, no knickers sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Thank you. Fair enough. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why well

least favorite song i mean where you know where do you begin but i've gone for i've gone for overrated i've gone for controversy um africa toto okay i'm not bothered about it i was saying i'll take sort of lionel richie's all night long all day long over that that's that's the superior oh that's the superior sing-along for me i'm i'm the friend who always get asked to play at my mate's weddings so i've i've been packing both of those for a while i've got to say they both they both occupy a similar space don't they um and you know i've got a little sort of subfolder of like drunk sing-along you know so when it gets to the end and they're all going on um yeah it's weird i mean i think i enjoy the effect it has when i'm

djing more than i enjoy the song itself yeah you know because it's a sort of get you out of jail free card like if not enough women are dancing you stick on i want to dance with somebody and that's you know that fixes that problem i had that yeah yeah you know so there's sort of some you know very useful tunes and it It has been useful over the years. But yeah, on its own, I mean, it feels weird that it was ever a song that was just released in the charts by a band. Do you know what I mean? Like now it's got this status as a sort of wedding sing-along.

Right. But it's like the Friends theme tune. That was just a song once and that just seems bizarre. So the idea of Tto just releasing africa as as a normal song on an album feels bizarre i know but it was it's like a meme how much people love it i i don't know if it just missed me by in my childhood like so there's you know um paul simon call me out all these songs that for me are just total sing-alongs and excitement i don't know what happened but africa missed my childhood or something i don't have any Paul Simon, Call Me Out, all these songs that for me are just total sing-alongs and excitement.

I don't know what happened, but Africa missed my childhood or something. I don't have any associations the way people are like, ah, and you go, yeah, what? It's just more me just not getting it. I don't get why it's got the status it has. I don't rate it. I feel like there's been a little resurgence amongst millennials with it. I've seen like lots of people a bit young for it getting really excited over it and i don't know if it's like a bit of sort of you know slightly ironic kind of liking it or i don't know who they know i don't think anyone knows anymore whether they're liking things ironically

or you know my i've got a 17 year old daughter and she just got excited about a pastor coming from ebay and she's wearing like ed hardy t-shirts all like an old you know like an england girls fan top that she ties up sort of at the back and to me and i look at her i think everything she's wearing is gross but somehow it's all all right again and i can't i'm like are you doing that ironically do you know what i mean yeah yeah like i'll be on instagram or something get served adverts for trainers and i'm like these are bad like the sign called dad trainers yeah and it's like i don't even think these were cool when they came around the first time it's almost like someone sort of

scrolled back through everything going everything from the 90s and you're like no no but these were still shit in the 90s so i think there's this element of people go oh my god everyone loves that song today i don't that's what i'm saying yeah it's very uh disconcerting when you feel so out of sync with things like that i mean i don't think i feel so out of step but i don't i think this is shit isn't it it? It's like, you know, with Pharrell and the Neptunes and everything they released was number one. I remember being at uni at the time just going, I think this is all just all right,

but everyone's losing their shit. You know, like, have I got a problem? Do I need to spare the crew? It's quite an isolating feeling, isn't it? Especially things like music and fashion. Yeah, there is that sort of, yeah, like, am I the only one? Yeah, it's like Emperor's New fashion yeah there is that sort of yeah like am i the only one yeah it's like emperor's new clothes and you're sort of going am i the only one seeing through all of this yeah yeah that's about it also i'm really imagining like fireside

sing-alongs with uh gove and robbins and holden. You know, just as the sun goes down. Oh, it's sunset. Let's get up, Toto. Have a little sing-along. Yeah, this is it. And I also, because there's another, I don't know if you know, there's another programme called Desert Island Discs.

It's a bit like this. Oh, right. Okay. So, but when I think about my choices for that, I think, but I've got to listen to it on loop. And I actually think I couldn't ever listen to that song on loop, but Lionel Richie, as you know, as someone that plays at weddings all night long on the same par,

I could listen to that forever and ever, amen. If I had to listen to that once, you know what I mean? I have to think, yeah, but... And I think with Toto, even if you got used to it, there's always going to be the bit that jars you out of your sort of slumber when they try and fit in kilimanjaro into the line you know it just wedges it in there and you're like oh god you know even if you've just forgotten about it for a little while you know yeah yeah that's it fair enough uh and what's your film

choice well you know me i'm greedy i'm trying to now you know me from this long conversation and our long long relationship that we've had now discussing my island plans um there's a little bit i'm annoying but i've gone i've gone for hate 48 i'm probably duh you're meant to hate it but i just watched that film and i thought I don't know what you want from me here, Quentin. I don't know who, I don't know what you, I don't know how to read this film, mate. I thought, it's just, I just thought, everyone, what is this?

I mean, it's just too much. He out-Tarantino'd himself somehow. It had no charm it was just horrendous and i didn't know a woman was getting beaten up throughout the whole film who was a horrible woman but i just thought it typifies he's sort of i don't know fetishizing of violence towards women i think he loves it i think he i think i think he's might be a bit of a misogynist and a bit of a racist really i just think i want samuel jackson to stop doing his films because i just think

what's going on here what is going on and um you know i found jango unchanged for instance and even what's that inglorious bastards i thought okay but they've kind of got a good thing going on too, despite the violence and just horrendous characters. But in Hateful, I just thought, I don't even know what you're trying to achieve here. I hate it. I don't care about any character. If the whole thing burnt down, you know, I just hate it. That's it.

Yeah, it's funny with Tarantino, because you have certain tropes or sort of things that are in each film and that's fine when you've only got three films, but when you've done sort of eight or nine and you're still kind of getting back to these things, you're like, okay, but does every film need to say the N-word that many times? So maybe it was in context in this one, but in this one, I think we could get away without...

Like he's really into women's feet, isn't he? Like every he like every single yeah it's like do we need to see a foot you know it's like okay we're on to you now yeah it's like with woody allen and sort of you know getting sort of young beautiful women it's like yeah no we we can see what you're doing now yeah it's not just one or two it's like we're on to you mate yeah um and it just seemed like that it seemed like without you know i think i actually think tarantino's one of his best films is jackie brown i mean just a real you know um well thought out i mean that he got in trouble for the n word in that which maybe i'm stupid but i didn't notice that because the film and the story and these older characters and this delicate love story and this tension and i know it's not um it's not an original story is it he wrote the screenplay but i just thought what and such a brilliant film but when it's just all of that charm all of that

storytelling any character you're invested in taking away it's just gratuitous i found it gratuitous and i just thought what you do yeah like you say i get it i get it that's what you do yeah i haven't actually seen hateful eight i think it's the one of his i haven't seen yet but it's mainly because i've got such a aversion to long films and every time i thought should i stick this on it's already half nine oh i don't know if i can be honest now you know i mean when you've got kids and you're saying oh oh it's got to be really worth it i can't be bothered and you know that like of it, it's going to be full of monologues. And you just, oh, I can't be bothered anymore.

Did you watch the Coen Brothers collection? What were they? I'm trying to think what they were called. The Collection of Stories. Barnaby Gradual. I've got that wrong. Oh, I know what you mean. I haven't seen it, no.

Which are so good. And actually, you think think they out Tarantino Tarantino you know like I can't explain the stories are gripping and violent

and in the deep south and weird horrible characters but they're so good and so charming that you watch Hateful Eight and you just think

it's almost it's so reminiscent of that and it just doesn't it just doesn't bang at all it's just like meh yeah

and I think westerns can be a pretty drawn out slow form of entertainment anyway yeah i don't know i just remember when i'd be young and you know my brother would have one on and it's just it's like nothing's happening it's just a long shot of a desert and a man walking and there's no dialogue and i imagine tarantino's has a lot of dialogue though you know he's gone the other way i mean hateful it's just everyone in a cabin and they're all horrible that's about it and then they all and they just keep beating samuel jackson's character keeps beating up this woman so you think what are you reinforcing in terms of what we understand people's roles, you know, are in this world.

You know, like, what, you know, Samuel L. Jackson's such a disgusting character, and I think, well, what are you hoping to achieve? And you do have to kind of read films sometimes in terms of archetypes and what you're reinforcing about stereotypes, and you think, what are you doing here? What is the point of this?

But it's funny because it's sort of, he'll have those similar types whatever film he's doing. So it's like, it is just more of a personal obsession because they're all completely different. One's a Western, one's like a Kung Fu sort of thing. You know, so why does the same thing keep popping up? Because it's, you know, it's not like you're this social activist who wants to talk about domestic abuse or violence.

And, you know yeah it's just quite and it becomes a bit more personal and strange doesn't it that's it i mean even like kill bill he's talking about the sort of kung fu and japanese samurai kind of fighting he still manages to get in a real low down dirty hick element of you know tobacco spitting beating up women and you think where does that come why do you why where's your obsession with that and why is that why do you think you have a license you know why do you have a license you know yeah and why do you have a license to include the n-word and and this violence against women is it is it's dangerous i just think he's the dangerous person and

hateful way is the is the uh you've taken the piss now quentin you've gone too far that's it yeah i feel he's on a losing one with this yeah fair enough fair enough um now uh laura finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why oh mate i'm sure i'm the 400 billionth person to have said it but a snake snake yeah i can't you know there's like stories on the internet about that snake that would sit close to its owner and it found out it was sizing it up um oh just snakes whatever size a snake would be terrifying how people keep them as pets oh my god i think about that snake uh sizing up its owners quite a lot because my son one of his favorite soft toys is this really long soft snake and because he's kind of got that but he's just got into his soft toys there's loads in his cot

but the snake is always right down the side of his cot and every time i'm tucking him in i just think of that snake sizing him up it's kind of macabre but yeah snakes i mean they've got a bad press but i don't know if all of it's undeserved yeah who wants i just it just it is a phobia it's definitely phobia i don't understand people you know i was watching jaws the other night and people have phobias of sharks i'm like well that's not a phobia a shark could kill you you know people are phobia spiders i don't get it they're tiny but a snake i get they're just it's a phobia it's just um i could never have a snake around my neck when i see things like that i could never do it i couldn't do it i mean not a million pounds i could do it i think they look i

don't find them particularly scary but it's just the unknown there's so many unknowns you're like are you dangerous like i saw one in the wild once and even though i'm not scared of snakes it was terrifying because it's impossible to tell which way it's going and it was right on the path in front of me so i just wanted to stay out of its way but because of the way they move i was like i don't know how to avoid you because you're just going everywhere you're just a piece of string that can do what it wants yeah yeah when i was little i had a real fascination with them and i really wanted a pet snake and i never got one because my mum's australian so she's terrified of them yeah and um but even as someone who's admired them i can absolutely understand why they're terrifying

and you know like if you see them kind of climbing a tree or something where they wrap around things it's like it's something weird isn't there i can't even listen to the words you're saying about describing them i mean it's just so for the listeners as i've been talking you're really recoiling yeah yeah um and have you have you had any particular incidents with snakes or just no I can't look at them on programs I hate them I can't the way they move

their eyes everything I hate snakes I hate them I like that film snakes on a plane that's like that's perfect for me. Oh, no. And do you know what?

I think as well it might be linked to that Tremors film. Do you know Tremors? Yeah. Those big surf, that, man. Oh, yeah. That is the ultimate. I should, yeah, that is gross. I mean, I think most animals can be dicks at times,

but I think it's not that hard to imagine a snake being a dick. I mean you're writing a character it's they've kind of laid it all out for you haven't yeah yeah i was on holiday once and i saw like these guys who had these big pythons around their necks and it was like they'd go up to tourists and say i'll give me five dollars or whatever and you could take a picture with the snake and there was this woman who had obviously was terrified of snakes and her family had convinced her that you know if you just you know aversion therapy like go and touch it and it'll help so they laid this huge python on the ground and sort of held on to it and the woman was so scared to touch it that her family had to hold on to one of her arms to stop her like falling over while she sort of stretched out with the other arm to touch it and she was screaming the whole time and i thought

once you get to that point you know it's not going to cure you do you think like what in that final inch when you actually do touch it bang everything's cured let her go she could be scared of snakes it's gonna be all right yeah that's what i mean there's some some things are logical like you say you don't know how they move you don't know if they're poisonous you don't know how powerful they are i don't like when people say yeah i'm scared of sharks yeah of course you are you're meant to be scared of them you know and there's just some things you don't need to cure like maybe yeah dogs you might have to cure that because they're everywhere and you don't want to be scared or or things like that but i don't know yeah don't just be scared yeah you don't have aversion therapy for you you know, I don't know, a masked gunman.

Yeah, exactly. You just need to get used to being around masked gunmen. The thing is, they don't actually want to hurt you most of the time. You know, if you get out of their way, they'll leave you alone. That's the thing about a masked gunman. You know, they're more scared of you or the police. Hand over the money. Get in the van. That's it.

Get in the back of the van. Yeah. that's it get in the back of the black van yeah well laura i think you've done a great job uh making a awful uh habitat for yourself today so thank you very much for coming on um and obviously you know as we record lockdown is potentially being eased but we none of us know what the hell is going on where can people hear or see more of you um well, what am I doing? I'm doing not much really. I kind of haven't got totally comfortable with online performance. You can find me on my Instagram, thatlaurasmith, smith with a y. And I'm sometimes funny on there. That's about it really. Lovely. Well, we'll all keep a look out for you then. That's about it, really. Lovely.

Well, we'll all keep a look out for you then. Thank you very much again for coming on. Cheers.