Desert Island Dicks - LAUREN PATTISON

Episode Date: October 4, 2022

Dan was joined by comedian Lauren Pattison to discuss who and what would make her time on a desert island completely rubbish, and they had a very nice time doing so. You can have a nice time too, by listening, that's what we hope to achieve by all this at least. You can also come and see us live with John Robins on Thursday 6th October at the Bedford pub in Balham, South London - tickets in the link here, or search for the Cheerful Earful podcast festival. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts

for everyone on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Wow, I've completely lost my voice. I didn't realise because I haven't spoke in a couple of hours, but I just had a coughing fit and now I'm recording this intro.

I've realised I can't speak, which might be an issue because I'm doing a live Desert Island Dicks in two days' time. But look, before we get into the details of that, this show features comedian Lauren Patterson and we had a lovely chat about all the people and things that would make her time on a desert island a shitty experience she was a great guest um you might notice in the background there's some funny noises at some point that's because she had a little dog that was playing around in the background so if you hear any sort

of scuffling funny noises in the background um that's her dog but i don't think it detracted from anything um in fact for dog enthusiasts maybe you'll find the sound uh particularly homely i don't know now as i mentioned before uh in a couple of days i mean because i'm publishing this on tuesday night we are doing desert island dicks live as part of the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival. So Thursday the 6th of October we will be in the Bedford Pub in Balham, South West London and our guest is John Robbins. You know

John Robbins. He's done loads of stuff. Podcasts, broadcasting and of course an award winning comedian as well. So it's going to be loads of fun. You can get tickets by going to cheerfulearful.co.uk We've also got the link up on our Twitter and Instagram at Dickspod and in the description of this podcast somewhere as well. Or you can even just turn up and buy tickets on the door I believe.

I think there's still a few left. I mean there's only a couple of days to go. This is going to go out late on Tuesday night so yeah not long to get tickets but yeah if you haven't managed to I reckon you can still get them on the door and it'd be lovely to meet you. Hopefully I'll be able to speak properly. Then my family have had the lurgy and I'm sort of the last one to get it.

So I'm hoping it sort of passes through my system before then, but look, I'm going to soldier on regardless as long as I can actually speak. So I'm going to save my voice. Now, let you listen to Lauren Patterson on Desert Island Dicks, and I'll be back at the end for a tiny bit more waffle. And that's it. Here we go. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned

on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian, actor, podcaster and writer Lauren Patterson. How are you doing? Hello, Icaster and writer Lauren Patterson. How are you doing? Hello, I'm very good thank you. How are you? I'm all right yeah you know typical average Wednesday mood I think but yeah I'm doing I'm doing all right. How are you feeling today on this average day? I'm feeling I'm feeling pretty calm. It's not raining which is a relief. I feel like it's been quite biblical.

Heaven's opened the last few days. And it means every time I try and take the dog out, he looks at me like I'm a piece of shit. And I'm like, I don't want to be outside either. But this is what we have to do. But it's quite a nice day today. Okay, so feeling sort of fairly upbeat. I mean, you know, we're about to deal with the worst people and things that you can imagine to be stuck with. Is this a daunting task for you?

Do you find it like something you relish? I found it probably too easy. Right. As soon as we're like, can you think of three people? I was like, oh, I couldn't think of more. So many more. That's the thing. I feel like sometimes I should ask people back on like a year later. You know, do you want to stay with those people or add more you know exactly okay well look let's

dive in we'll see who you did narrow it down to um who's going to be the first person joining you on the island the first person joining me on the island this is maybe a little bit generic but I can also picture this person I've met them many times so i have worked in well i don't do it now but worked in hospitality for a long time so i've been a waitress and the first person who came to mind would be the person who complains about the food after you've checked back and they've said everything's fine and after they've eaten the entire meal yeah yeah oh my god it used to wind me up so much because especially you'd stand there and they've got a clean, empty, clear plate in front of them. And you'd be like, oh, is everything all right with your meal?

Well, actually. And I'd stand there and think, well, you've eaten it. So it can't be that bad. And also, what do you want me to do now you've eaten it? I've come here. I've paid for food. I've eaten all of the food. I'd like a discount

please exactly, it used to frustrate me and I was so shit hot on making sure I went and checked back on people and was like, are you okay? and loads of people I've seen before being like do waiters deliberately wait until you've got a big bit of food and yes, yes we do

or I do at least, wait until they've got the biggest mouthful of food but I would make sure i asked everybody look is everything all right this this is your window i am granting you a window of complaint no no no everything's fine and oh i would feel my blood boil because you know you're not daft i'm like you're doing this to try and get something off money off to get and i mean we all have a bargain we all have a discount but why why are you being so it's just difficult yeah definitely yeah I feel like I've been in situations where I remember

actually it was someone in in the group of people I was with the waiter came around and and this guy started critiquing the food back to him like he thought it was fine but it was a bit under seasoned and he was going you know I think it just needs a little lift you know maybe something like this like a bit of citrus or something and it's like look like you send it back when you physically can't eat it or it's really disgusting or if like the wine is corked and fucked you know like if it's fine but you just don't like it that much that's a different thing like if it's you know it's been cooked you don't like the taste but it's not bad then I think you don't really have a leg to stand on they just shut up nah I always remember somebody sending back her salads and I think to be fair she'd got the

wrong salad so I was like that that's totally fair and I took it back to the kitchen and anyone who's ever had to work with chefs will know chefs are brilliant hard-working people but oh my god they are difficult to work because they work to their schedule they know what they're doing and in comes me little 21 22 however old I was at the time and I was like oh this person's had the wrong salad so they need a new one and you just get ignored and you're like no no no please can someone listen to me like I appreciate you're all really busy but this needs bumping to the top and they ignored me for so long to the point where I could feel the woman's eyes like it was one of these like open so she could see into the kitchen I could feel her eyes on it and I went over and she was like can you not just do it yourself and I was

like I completely appreciate it's just a salad but I I am 21. You do not want me anywhere near your food. Absolutely. How do you think it's going to go down? If the chefs aren't even going to acknowledge my existence, how do you think they're going to react to me stepping into their world and going in the kitchen? I pictured it being like, you know, something out of a Western when somebody walks into the saloon doors and they all just turn.

That's what it would have been like. They would have been like, why is she entering our sacred space and i think difficult customers in general are the bit i judge people very harshly on how they treat like shop workers waiters taxi drivers i really really judge people who treat people like awful but are just difficult customers but the food the food one gets us the most because i'm like you ate it yeah exactly yeah it's weird i mean i think working in hospitality is really hard like i've i've done like tiny little bits and pieces here and there but i've never had like a proper stint in it we're all familiar with these sort of annoying people and i think sometimes people sort of almost do it so that they've got almost sort of makes them look discerning do you know what i mean it's sort of

like oh well uh actually i found mine a bit it's like come on like it's fine we're not you know what are you expecting from the sort of place we're in it's like you know there's levels of it as well it's like if you go somewhere really high end it's your birthday you're paying loads of money you know it's got to be perfect if it's just like your local cafe then like give them a fucking break oh definitely i used to work in a in a supermarket cafe and it's the closest i think i've ever been to just having a complete breakdown at work because i wasn't i wasn't really like properly trained um you know you're sort of picking things up as you go along and obviously i was making a lot of like fry ups which isn't hard but it's timing it's getting everything ready at the same

time and all that kind of stuff and the thing I found hardest right was the eggs I don't know if anyone's worked in a supermarket cafe but you basically have like a hot plate almost thing you crack the egg onto it and it cooks on there and you can like flip it or whatever and I just could not for the life of me do an egg like really well I remember one day thinking right I smashed it finally like got it perfect like often they would split and stuff when you flip them I was looking at the most beautiful egg I've ever seen in my life and I was like well done Lauren the girl took it to the customer and he sent it back because the egg was too runny and I thought but I like a runny egg like that's I've cooked

I've kind of cooked it how I would have it like a runny egg and I thought fair enough I'm still learning maybe do your eggs a bit like tougher because some of the other girls would flip them so they're like sealed on the other side I was like right I've got the knack now I'm gonna do it so you know next breakfast comes on I was the one plating up all the food I was like brilliant put the egg on just sent it back because it was too hard and knowing you just think am i being punked here is this yeah i felt like i was living in an episode of goldilocks i was like right okay so that egg was too runny this egg is too hard and i felt like saying at the end of the day we are in a supermarket cafe i don't think you can have too many preferences of exactly how you would like your your cook yeah oh. Oh my God. Yeah, it's not really the place to sort of get all like.

Exactly. I once had a woman ask him, so I was on the till, like taking the orders, and she asked if she could have the fat cut off her bacon. And I thought, do it yourself. Yeah, just cut the fat off. It's much easier once it's cooked anyway. Exactly.

I was like, Shelley, that's an easier job for you to do. And I do think working in restaurants in supermarket cafes has really made me a lot more of a considerate diner i used to be a very very fussy eater and now i'm just like if i can pick it off myself i'll pick it off myself and as long as it's not going to kill us just eat it it's fine i think there's something as well about like things that you could really easily do yourself if you were at home and you know it's going to take more time like having the fat cut off your bacon it's like well it's there i could just do it now and eat it and then

otherwise i've got to wait like maybe a minute for them to send it back i've got to get their attention they've got to send it back hope they don't spit in my food because i'm being annoying you know it's just... And just dealing with someone like that on an island, you're together on a desert island after a plane crash and it's like... Oh, I know. Somebody's just a bit picky and it's like,

it's not important right now. Exactly. Come on, bigger picture. Just have your fry up and do your shopping. Can you imagine being like, oh, my fresh fish isn't actually cooked properly we're on an island of course it's not going to be cooked properly we've got a fire and optimism that's all we've got i think it's a really strong start um who's going to be the second person joining you

ticket touts okay i don't know if this is a sign of i know know I'm not old, but I'm aware I'm getting older and I've become increasingly infuriated by ticket touts. And I was trying to buy tickets on pre-sale for somebody the other week and couldn't get them. Tried on the general release, couldn't get them. And then you look at the ticket touts and this is how I know I'm becoming my dad. I was like, they're just making it impossible for the real fans to get hold of tickets. And as it came out my mouth, I was like, you're still in your 20s. Who is this person? This is not... But I find ticket touts deplorable. Like, genuinely, I don't know how they do it.

I don't know what their tactics are. I don't know if it's, like, some kind of conspiracy and all the ticket companies are actually working, like, in cahoots. But they wind me up so much. Trying to get tickets for something now now only to find out you've been beaten by like a robot is infuriating yeah because i guess i guess now there is sort of software and stuff that they can probably do it but you know like when i used to go out years ago i mean like i'm 40 now but there before the internet was like a big thing you'd still get ticket touts and it was like

how did you yeah i couldn't get them in time and i was there when they went on sale so how the fuck are you doing it like is this a big plot or something i remember once going to a show and i i think one person with us had like just decided to tag along and see if they could get a ticket or something but everyone else had tickets and this tout came up to us and um my mate said oh no it's all right i got mine off ebay or something because it was like early days of things like that it'd only just become a thing where you could like buy reselling tickets online and stuff yeah and this ticket got really angry oh man ebay bunch of crooks they should all be locked up and you're like you know this is this is the same thing you're doing like it's the same thing yeah Yeah. I'd sort of,

this shows how long it's been since I've been to a gig. Like, I mean, I forgot they existed. Absolutely. And I think because with doing comedy, a lot of the things I buy tickets for are comedy. So no disrespect to comedians,

not exactly hard to get hold of. Like even if a comedian's doing like a big venue, like the arena, they don't sell out like in a in a heartbeat and twice in the last couple of weeks i've tried to get tickets for like someone musicky um and it's just been like you know like total wipeout i feel like i'm having to do this whole obstacle course today it was count i'm tried and failed on two websites and i was like no way have these sold out in 60 seconds

I managed to get some on the third website I tried but then it gave me like 4 seconds to put my card details in and I didn't see the countdown going down and I was like I've only just woke up I can't type this fast and all I could think was I know how a robot is doing it faster than me

because they're more competent but infuriating. But they've always had a way of getting them. Before there were apps and like cheats and like robots and computer things. God, I sound so old today. But before there was electronically managed ways of getting tickets quicker,

it was still really hard to get them and I don't know how they do it. And again, like putting this person onto the island with you that kind of cunning and sort of like yeah you know you couldn't trust them no not at all and you'd be thinking god do you know what i'm sure that there should be a load of coconuts ripened today because yesterday there were loads that were just about to be ready and suddenly you're like oh what you've got some have you oh how much do you want for them oh bloody hell like now i've got to go and find a load of shells exactly yeah i think it would be a really difficult thing to deal with um and also it's one of those things where you're like you

know certain dodgy enterprises that don't even seem that easy it's like it still seems like quite a lot of effort and work yeah it's not like not like just free money. I know. You might as well just do anything else. It can't be that easy. Yeah. I hadn't realised just what an ordeal it was. Like, I tried to get something for something today, and I thought I've had to set an alarm. I've had to get up early.

I've had to have multiple tabs open. I've had to have my... The level of organisation that has to go into it. I'm like, now imagine if you're someone who's a tout and is trying to buy like a hundred tickets right i mean although maybe it would be useful to have someone who is clearly such a criminal mastermind on board yeah so right we've got a complainy person in the service industry and then we've got a ticket tout and i feel like they're probably gonna bang up against each other a bit i feel like the complainy person probably won't like the ticket out that much as well.

So already you've got a bit of friction there. Absolutely. Like, I can just imagine the drama that would unfold. Because I think if you've got someone who is quite whingy and then someone who is quite sneaky, they're going to rub each other up the wrong way 100%. 100%. sneaky yeah they're gonna rub each other up the wrong way 100 100 because i think the whingy person would be quite sort of played by the rules like you know straight down the line kind of thing so yes and you don't want to team up with them against the the tout because they're a pain in

the arse basically so that's the thing yeah i'd feel like i'd want to sort of form some kind of allegiance against the whingy person but then i couldn't get into bed with a ticket out i couldn't no okay well let's see who the third person is and how they're going to fit into this this mess okay my third person is i'm a very big advocate of the quiet coach on the train as someone who has to like travel a lot for gigs i always think it's better to sit in the quiet coach because i'm like especially if i'm traveling on a weekend I don't want to like police other people's night out so I'm like yep cool you sit and you have your drinks and you be loud and you be a hen party a stag party whatever but I want a little sacred space where I can travel from Newcastle to

Liverpool or wherever in silence I love a bit of silence on the way to a gig i like to get my head clear and probably one of the most irritating people in life are people who come and sit in the quiet coach and just talk either really loudly to whoever they're with or they'll talk on the phone or they'll bring a kid and they'll like give the kid something to play with without headphones anyone who disrupts my sacred space of the quiet coach is my worst nightmare so annoying so annoying like i can feel my heart whenever i see someone with a kid get on i'm like i'm not gonna judge you just because you've got a kid maybe your kid wants a bit peace and quiet as well and then the ipad comes out and then it's full volume and I'm like oh this is torture torture it really stresses me out a lot I mean as someone with two kids the idea of me being with my kids in a quiet

coach is stressful to me you know yeah well that's what I always find bizarre when I see someone get on the quiet coach with kids I'm like surely you mustn't know that you've booked this coach because if I was ever travelling with, say, my niece or my nephew, I would go in the loudest place possible so that their sheer chaos would just blend into everything else. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I've taken my oldest to the cinema a couple of times and it's unbelievable how many times you have to tell him

to keep the noise down. But I think he's an excitable five-year-old and you're in a cinema full of excited five-year-olds so it's kind of you know there's leeway it's like it's you know we're all watching a film at nine in the morning so it's kind of we all know the deal but yeah like as a parent just having kids kids in quiet places is so stressful. So to voluntarily go into that, I think is insane. And for the rest of the people who are just ignoring it, I think, yeah, it's just, I guess it's selfishness, isn't it? Or just sort of lack of awareness,

which is increasingly just annoys the crap out of me. Like, you know, people just play music out loud on their phone anyway. That's what gets me, yeah. Even in a non-quiet coach it's like how have you arrived at this this point where you think that we want to hear your music played badly through a tiny speaker yeah i mean i think life would actually be quite good if you could have that if you were so unbothered except to make you an awful person but like to barrel through life like that must be so freeing. I mean, no anxiety. Exactly.

You think everyone's having a great time because you're helping them enjoy this music. Yeah. Like if my phone accidentally plays like an advert out loud, I instantly want the ground to open up and swallow it. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I have disrupted the peace. And I do kind of wish I had that confidence just to be like you know what everyone wants to hear my YouTube adverts it's like no please don't and I just find it very as someone who sort of like finds travel quite stressful like I don't

find being a comedian the most stressful part about being a comedian is the travel like trains are delayed or cancelled or late and you've got like some journeys take like two or three trains and you're just like I just want a nice peaceful journey and I just find it so entitled when someone just comes fair enough if a train doesn't have a quiet coach fair enough I can't be the police of that but when it does and someone comes in my little sacred space I'm just like oh I just wanted I just wanted to hear nothing that's all i wanted and i feel like on a desert island that is the ideal place to get a bit of peace and quiet and i think if someone with that mentality was on my peaceful desert island they would not shut up

they'd be like oh isn't the sea lovely and i'm like oh i've come to this corner of the island to get away from you yet you're here you're here yeah well i think also it's just the lack of awareness of all of all your needs or want whether you're stressed or hungry or pissed off or tired or anything it's just not going to matter to that person like you could be there sobbing just missing home and just desperately upset and they just sort of give you a little punch on the arm you're like you're right like not now just fuck off exactly yeah read the room read the room exactly and i'm too um i'm too awkward to like speak up as well because i don't really like confrontation but i was once on a train when somebody dared to challenge someone who was not obeying the rules of the quiet coach and it was probably the greatest moment of my life it was absolutely incredible I think she

might have even handed them headphones she must have like a spare pair or something and I was like what a ball I move like she was very nice about it she wasn't like an arsehole but I think she just sort of leaned over and was like I'm really sorry I don't know if you're aware but you are in the quiet coach. People are travelling in this coach specifically for it to be a bit more peaceful. But I do have some spare headphones for you. And I thought, she's played that brilliantly because he can't really say no

because he's going to look a dick. Like, if he goes, no, no, I don't want your headphones that you're offering me quite passively, aggressively, kindly. It was very, I aspire to be that woman I often think about her yeah and it's pretty ballsy I think I have once but then even I think I was a bit drunk and now thinking back to that like just terrifies me that I'd even tried that like now I can't even imagine myself doing it but I think I was a bit tipsy and some guy was on FaceTime and I was like can you not just can you not just have a

call you can i know if you're worried about not having enough credit you can you know you can like facetime just do a call like you can just do an audio call just what i'm saying is shut the fuck up yeah please be quiet i'm really bad for asking people to move out with me seat you know if someone's in your reserved seat obviously if the train if the train's dead quiet i'm like it's not the end of the world of course it's somewhere else but if the train's really busy and there's nowhere else to sit I get quite panicky because I'm like oh well technically that's my seat but I don't want to ask them to move I knew that I loved my boyfriend well I knew I loved him before this but this was one of those moments where you're like yes you're the one for me we got on a really busy train we had our reserved seats someone was

sitting there and I instantly turned and went oh god someone's out of my seats I was like I really can't be bothered with the confrontation he just strolled forwards with the confidence that I wish I had very politely to these two women went I'm really sorry but these are our seats and they just got up and moved and I stood and don't you feel like like somewhere out of an officer and a gentleman where he picks her up and that's what I felt like and all he done was ask two people to move out of our seats and i was like i'm in love with you this is this is incredible look at the confidence nice i wonder if there could be like an opposite coach of the quiet coach where it's like not a party coach but just a coach for like really unaware people because i wonder if they're also annoyed at other people so you go into that coach and it's got thicker

doors and stuff to isolate it from everywhere else. Everyone's playing music on their phones, eating smelly food, having loud conversations in each other's seats. And it's just like this wonderful, awful place that everyone can just get on board with. I agree. The free-for-all coach. Yeah, exactly. Coach F for free-for for all yeah that's where you belong well until someone comes up and invents it uh this sort of person is still very annoying so i think they're a fair addition to your island okay absolutely you're a podcast listener and this

is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad okay my least favorite food i don't know if this is controversial onion any kind of onion brown onion red onion i've never liked it i'm i'm a child when i come i know i was just saying like literally five minutes ago like i'm not fussy anymore but there's something about onion if onions in a recipe i just leave it out

i'm like nope like if i don't feel order a burger from somewhere and it's got like a big like ring of raw onion on i wouldn't ask them to take it out but i'll pick it out i can't stand it i hate i hate cheese and onion flavor like i find it i think it is more the texture of onion rather if you chop it up teeny tiny small i won't notice yep that's fine but any recipe that requests sort of like big slices or big chunks of onion i'm like either dice it small or don't put it in i can't it makes us want to gag i hate it i absolutely hate it i wonder if it's one of those things that like you know some people just have i mean obviously it's a very strong flavor so it does make sense yeah you know

some people have like a particularly strong reaction to it because like if you can't even have it cooked and stuff because most most most dishes start with like chop up an onion don't they like so many things and it's like it's weird that society's evolved to a point where so much food has to begin at this point of like with an onion yeah i mean yeah i haven't really imagined what it must be like if you're at that point where if it's chopped so small i can't taste it but we cooked something the other day and it was maybe not as little chunks and only just get a bite of it and i thought this is now ruined the whole i know i need to grow up i know this is very much a me problem i also get wound up about red onion in general because i don't think it's red it's purple why do they call it red onion that's that's fair actually

yeah that's fair i never really thought maybe maybe if it was a bit more honest about who it was i would i would warm to it a bit more i have progressed to the fact I can have a shallot. Okay, yeah. So I think that's a start, but they're a bit sweeter, aren't they? I think so, yeah, yeah. I think it's different, like, being fussy is different to just not liking something. You know, I think it's fair enough, isn't it? And also, we're just talking about this being the only food on the island, so, I mean, that's a really shit thing to be left with.

I was going to say, that's a pretty bad place to be left i was gonna say that's a pretty bad a bad place to start just having to eat an onion yeah yeah i don't know my friend at uni used to often like he'd come in and he'd go oh i'm really hungry can i make myself a sandwich and you go i haven't really got anything and you go oh it's all right i'll just make an onion sandwich and you just have butter and onion and like i don't mind having onion inside sandwiches like i don't i quite like strong tastes and stuff like that but it was something so bleak about this like just onion sandwich and it was the sole ingredient yeah and it wasn't like mild onion you know it's like big strong cooking onions in there yeah so yeah i mean thinking about that i can understand why why yeah that would be a really shit thing to be stuck with onion.

Oh, mind, even, like, I quite like butter. So I love, like, slice of bread with a big wadge of butter on it. But I remember doing food tech in secondary school and watching someone in the class just go around licking all the, like, when you had the butter on the greaseproof paper, the teacher had obviously measured it out for everyone and she was, like, licking the remnants of the butter off and i thought that's that's too far for me yeah i mean too far you know if it was like the end of the second world war you know

that was happening then like yeah maybe okay yeah fine it's a luxury now but yeah i think in these these days there's no there's really no excuse for it yeah licking butter can't think like the worst meal deal possible would be an onion sandwich cheese and onion crisps and then my drink sparkling water yes vile i am so on board with you for this because i can't stand it do you know what so when this podcast was originally started it was started by my friend james he was the original host when he was working out the idea i was the very first guest and my drink choice was sparkling water so yeah i found a kindred spirit oh i just think it tastes like soapy almost like it's so unpleasant i think there's nothing worse than when you see a glass of clear liquid and you think oh someone's had a

glass of water i'll have a little sip and then it's just bubbly but not even fizzy like i love a fizzy drink i absolutely love a fizzy drink but there's something about sparkling water my boyfriend loves it my boyfriend has like a two litre bottle of it in his car at all times like his emergency sparkling water i think it's vile absolutely vile yeah and it's so hard to like people say it's more refreshing but it's sort of like it's sharp isn't it it's so hard to, like, people say it's more refreshing, but it's sort of, like, it's sharp, isn't it? Yeah. It's like, I feel this again is something where, like, people who like it just go, but it's just water with bubbles in, I don't get it.

This is such a boring thing to say, but water's, like, my favourite soft drink. Like, I drink a lot of water. It's always just what I'm in the mood for, like, big glass of cold water. And when it's, like, fizzy, it's like, no, but this doesn't just taste with, it's not the same with bubbles. Exactly. There's, like, a sort of weird bitterness to it or something. That's the thing, it's like, no, but this doesn't just taste with, it's not the same with bubbles. There's like a weird bitterness to it or something. That's the thing.

It's the bitterness. Like you drink it and it has this aftertaste, but it's not an aftertaste because it's the actual taste. I'm just like, oh, I find it so unpleasant. And it makes going out for food with him very difficult because I know he would love nothing more than a bottle of sparkling water for the table. And I'm just like like please don't make me suffer yeah please yeah exactly like if if yeah if I'm out and people order sparkling water I'm just getting dehydrated

that's that's just how it's going down it's the kind of drink where like you feel like you need to like towel your tongue down after you know what I mean it's like yeah oh it's like licking a carpet that's what I find drinking sparkling water and if that's all i had on that island oh i ain't lasting long yeah because it's so close to something refreshing and good and life-sustaining my wife used to hate it as well and then just a few years ago i was like you bought a sparkling water by mistake and and she's like no no i like it now and it's like sorry darling what the fuck is going on when did this happen

are you having an affair because this is quite a big change so I think it's a very good choice on the island I remember when I first started drinking when you're 18 or 17 and you're trying to find which drinks you like and I remember someone buying me a gin and tonic on a night out and I was

like vital I obviously don't like gin thought for years I didn't like gin until I made the right realization it's the tonic I don't like and I think it's that very similar kind of thing to like it gives it gives me the same sort of effect as like sparkling water so I would always have a gin and lemonade and then everyone would take the piss and say I was a proper hun because I'm having like a gin and lemonade I was like let me be a hun if I want to be a hun that is absolutely fine fair enough all right well sparkling water is going to join you on the island now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has

two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song or what are they and why my least favorite film is transformers okay yeah yeah the entire franchise i don't understand how there are so many like amazing stories waiting to be told and i'm really obsessed with like the blacklist as well in hollywood you know is it the films that don't get made that year but like should have been made or whatever and then some some of them get made like years later you sometimes see some of these films that have been on the blacklist or whatever and then they get made like years later and i think how did it take you that long to get made and there's been like what six transformers seven so many transformers it's just

it's everything i hate in a film absolutely if someone said to me can you imagine your worst film i'd be like it exists it's transformers i'm not a big fan of robots and i tell you who would get on with the transformers film the tickets out yeah they'd be like they'd be in cahoots they've probably been to the premiere because they got themselves tickets somehow exactly yeah but yeah really don't like Transformers I grew up with the Transformers you know the original animated thing that was my favorite cartoon when I was a little boy and I had had the Transformers now my son likes the Transformers as well but when when the first one came out and I was kind of thinking, oh, you know, a few of my friends from a similar era were like,

oh, right, maybe this will be quite exciting, like relive our youth. And we all thought it was shit as well. Yeah. I don't know why, I'm just so not interested. And I think something about special effects films, like when I was young, special effects were still not amazing so that when they were good you go oh my god the effects in this film exactly i think for a long time now special

effects have been so good and so seamless that it doesn't even matter anymore like the last 15 years it's like who cares like you can't even say the special effects are good because it's a given that they're going to be good because it's the year 2022 and we've got green screens and everything like they're always pretty seamless occasionally you know you'd watch like a pixar film be like bloody hell that looks real now yes but even though it's not like it looked shit before so like and they're still really long what's going on like i don't i just don't care i think that's the thing for me as well i don't like a long fit i shouldn't have to pause a film for like a refresh for a break for a pep talk to get through the rest of the rest of the film yeah mind i did get the end of it there's only one film i've

nearly walked out of ever and that was once upon a time in hollywood okay only film i've nearly walked and again i think that was quite long i wasn't interested but it did get good at the end so that's that was nearly gonna be my film but i, but it did get good at the end. So that was nearly going to be my film. But I was like, you know what? I did actually enjoy the last half hour where it was Transformers. No, fair enough. Eternal, eternal hell.

It's weird because these things are like, you know, it starts off as like a silly cartoon for young children. Yeah. But then by the time you've made it into a blockbuster, it has to then be a bit serious because they can't make it, they've got to appeal to as broad an audience a bit serious because they can't make it,

they've got to appeal to as broad an audience as possible, so they can't make it silly and ridiculous. I think that's what I find quite jarring about it. I'm like, essentially, this is a kid's thing, like a kid's toy and a kid's cartoon, and you've sort of amped it up to this real high-stakes, quite action-y, and I i'm like imagine if when the new barbie film comes out it's like some kind of proper thriller deep feminism film yeah it's like the backstory like how she became this character i think transformers would be much

better if it was just a kid's film made by pixar or whoever and then you as an adult could enjoy it like that but yeah to make it serious it's like come on fuck off like there are other films waiting to be made you said you know there shouldn't be that many of them you know there should be a limit and what would your song choice be my song choice is Mr Blobby oh fantastic yeah of course because that was number one when I was born so I'm quite fascinated by things like that like oh what song was number one when I was born. So I'm quite fascinated by things like that. Like, oh, what song was number one, like when you were a kid, when you were born and stuff. And number one, when I was born,

Christmas 1993 is Mr. Blobby. And I'm like, what a shit song to have as your, oh, this was number one when I was born. Now I feel like almost my entire life is defined by Mr. Blobby. Like, you know, in Chinese astrology, you're like born under a certain star sign. Imagine if it had that much effect.

You're like, oh God, our little girl, she's born under Mr. Blobby's era. I mean, the one thing I will say, as someone who lived through that era, at least you didn't have to experience it. I mean... That's the thing. I only have very, very vague memories

of Noel Edmonds' house party. But very, very vague. Almost like a fever dream. And yes, I think at least... Because when you think about it, very creepy. Oh, horrendously creepy. Yeah, even at the time he was quite polarising, you know. Yeah.

The weird thing is when something like that happens, you kind of think, okay, look, we've had a laugh on Saturday night night we've seen mr blobby causing havoc yet again yeah you know pranking someone or whatever but but you've gone out and you've bought that you're going to play it in your own time in your house and you'd be in the car and they're doing the chart show and then they have to play it because it's number one it's like you're in the car going what the fuck you know like this is so mad you could be at work and it would come on what's going on exactly and especially christmas as well like i i grew up when you know christmas number one was like a big thing and i just think why as a nation did we allow that to happen why nothing nothing

to me screams christmas less like a pink and yellow, is he an alien? I don't even know what he is, a blob? I guess so, I don't know if they ever had an origin story, maybe that would be the next thing, like Hollywood loves an origin story don't they? that'll be the next Transformers

film will be like Mr. Blobby's origin story but it's one of those songs as well that is just bad yeah like and it's on a loop and torturous torturous i just wish i had i wish i had a cool song being number one on my birthday or like a meaningful song yeah and it's great to think of yourself trapped on an island without as the backdrop I mean it's such a going mad on an island song isn't it I love those sort of those choices from guests when it's

you can just imagine you just in just a total emotional wreck with Mr Blobby playing in the background it's horrendous I mean I've got it stuck in my head now I was gonna say it's one of those that's very easy to get like wedged into your head as well and it's got that quite like's very easy to get like wedged into your head as well and it's got that

quite like sinister sinister undertone to it which yeah there was something sinister he wasn't just an annoying figure it was like there's something weird going on like the sort of processing on his voice was really like sort of semi-robotic isn't it it's like wow okay well look i think we need to move on swiftly just to try and distract ourselves from the songs in our head but it's a very fine choice but uh finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why absolutely a hairless cat oh yes yeah i do think you fall into two camps you're either a cat person or a dog person I'm firmly a dog person so I'm not massively a cat lover anyway but there's something about a hairless cat where I'm like you know I do say it's unfair to say I don't hashtag not all cats I do like some cats like I've

had friends who've had cats and I like when they come sit on your knee and you stroke them and you know they do the little kneading the biscuits thing on your leg but then you have a hairless cat and I'm like not only are you a cat which is fundamentally worse than a dog but you don't even have the redeeming quality of having hair yeah yeah like do you stroke a hairless cat I guess you do but like what does it feel like I don't know I mean I've got a cat and he's really got really lovely thick fur and yeah and he's really like he's you know well i don't mind if people don't like cats it's fine like i get that they are dicks but like you know he's so nice and soft but the idea of just just skin is like i the only thing i can

imagine it might be like is like you know some dogs like i used to know somebody had a sausage dog yeah um his tummy was kind of a bit bald oh i know what you mean yeah yeah and you know it's like and it's something about that like hot skin fleshy yeah i found it really horrible like the rest of him was like a nice velvety coat but there was like he was sitting on my lap and i was like you know you don't offend anyone like slagging off their dog but i was like it was like you know when you're cooking a chicken like like cold chicken skin, but then you heat that, like that warm... And I imagine that's what the whole cat must be like that. Exactly.

All I can imagine is when you see like sort of a bald man, like that bit in between their head and their neck, and it's like a bit of a sort of like almost like a fold of skin. I'm like, is that what it's like? Maybe. Yeah, like say if someone said to me, oh, we want to get a cat. Like say if my boyfriend said, I want to get a cat like say if my boyfriend said i want to get a cat i wouldn't be furious i'd be like yeah whatever like fluffy cuddly okay

but just a hair i find them quite menacing the shape of their faces is very sort of like aggressive pointy looking as well absolutely and i think cats deep down are out to get us i think whether i think they're waiting for their moment to take over so i think if i was on a desert island surrounded by hairless cats i would just accept that these people rule my rule my life now i bow down to my hairless cat overloads they would definitely be a scary animal to wake up to like if you just woke up and there was just a few of them just staring at you or something. And yeah, even if they were friendly ones, just it's not something to cuddle up with.

It's like, I just, I'm curious as to what they feel like. But if they feel anything like that dog's stomach, I just don't want to know. I had never really thought about it. I knew they sort of like creeped us out a bit to look at. But it was only, it was when you were on about like, oh, like pick an animal. And I googled hairless cats and the first thing that came up on google was it would put a 3d one in my living room you know like some kind of feature it was like do you want to see a hairless cat and i was like absolutely not don't put one in my living room and then i'll start to think about well hang on what would one feel like and especially on the desert island where it's hot and i was like will it just will it be

sweaty oh god yeah like a sweating hairless cat exactly because even my dog when my dog gets hot like even his hair feels a bit like greasy obviously but you're like well whatever you're a dog in a fur coat in the summer but then if it's a hairless cat and if it is just that like fleshy bit do they sweat i don't know yeah because my cat doesn't it's like a dick because it's like fur rather than hair isn't it so it doesn't sort of get greasy but yeah fuck knows what they're like i don't know i don't want to find out either i mean a bit of me is curious but only a little bit i'm happy to live in ignorance i think um lauren you know what it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you today and uh you've picked a really good selection of people and things

that will no doubt make your life a total nightmare on the island. Absolutely. So well done on that. Now, for those of us wanting to find out more about what you're up to at the minute, where's the best place to find out? You're doing a tour at the minute? Yeah, I'm doing a little tour. So you can find me on at Lauren Patterson on Twitter.

And I think I've got all the data pinned on there or i'm lauren underscore patterson on instagram and i imagine they'll be on there as well lovely cool thank you very much well it's been lovely to talk to you thank you for coming on desert island dicks today lauren patterson and thanks again to her for joining us now i better get going because otherwise i'm going to use up what little voice i have but i just wanted to say desertirelandics is a sync clap production it was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon and is produced

and hosted by me Dan Benedictus I edited it this time but normally often if I can I get Chris Attaway to do it because he's a much better editor than I am and thanks as always to John Deacon not the bass player from Queen but James' dad John Deacon for his unwavering support, as well as to everyone else who supports us unwaveringly as well.

We love it that you listen and we're very grateful indeed. And having said how grateful I am, it seems bad to then ask you for something. But if you'd like to leave a rating or review, then please do. It gives us a real boost. So it helps a lot. and thank you to those of you who have recently done just that so uh it's very much appreciated i've got to go because i can't speak anymore but i will see some of you on thursday night at the bedford pub in ballam for desert island x live with john robbins and the rest of you i don't know when i'll see you but you'll hear the live show when we finally put it out anyway and that's it from me okay bye