Desert Island Dicks - LILY PHILLIPS

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

Comedian Lily Phillips joins Harriet to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Lily Phillips. Hello Lily. Hello Harriet. It's so nice to see you. You too. We have to see each other in a podcast studio. Yeah, it's important. Yeah, we can't see each other in real life, it has to be in a studio. That's what I say to my team anyway. We have the same team. We have good damn. So yeah. How's life? It's fine, sorry.

My partner's texted me saying my daughter won't nap. That seems like a him problem. Does, doesn't it? But it's always a me problem for some reason. What do you think you're going to do about it? I know, sending me videos of her not sleeping. What's the point of being out the house? Yeah, you wouldn't do that with him I imagine. No also because he couldn't help me. It's normally like where is any of her belongings? I'm like

you've lived with her just as long as I have. Yeah weaponized incompetence. How did you find putting together your choices for the island? I actually found it kind of difficult because... You love everything. No, I actually hate everything. Okay. So there's like quite a long list. But also like most people I've been thinking about when I'm going to be on Desert Island Discs.

Yes. So I've got that version like ready to go. Okay. So I've got that version ready to go, because I'm sure that's gonna happen pretty soon. Often people get the call three to six weeks after doing this, just so you know. I'll clear my schedule. Great. So who's first?

Who's the first person on the island? So yeah, when I was first writing this, I think I was having a bad day because I did put my daughter. But I don't mean that. If you're listening, I do love you. You're probably being annoying. Of course, but sometimes you just want a little break.

Yeah. You don't want her to live on a desert island forever, but it's character building. I actually think it would be hell to live with her forever on a desert island if she was like a newborn and if she stayed that age. That would be... Yeah. Now me and my toddler would have a great time. We would have a blast on that island. But yeah, if it's a baby, then God help us all.

But we love being mothers. Yeah. It's the greatest gift. It is. No, she's really cute now. But she's being mothers. Yeah. It's the greatest gift. It is. No, she's really cute now. But she's not sleeping. And is this something that's going to happen now? Because she's been napping.

Sorry, this isn't relevant to anyone else, but she's been napping every day quite consistently. And the last three days she hasn't napped. Does this mean that naps are over 21 months? No, no, Mabel naps until she was three. Okay, for you. Until she was three. But yeah, the sleep thing comes and goes, like I've just had a bad, a real bad month.

But then you get back on track and then just when you feel confident. Yeah, you start booking more things in. You're like, I can have this in my life now. And then they're like, no, you can't. Yeah, you think I'm a functioning human. Yeah. No, no, never again, actually.

I don't think I was in the first place. So who's the first person? So who's the first person? Not your daughter. So it's not a famous person or anything. It's just this guy in my local park. Great. It's very specific, but he's like this old guy

that used to go around the park. And you know, like when you have a baby, like you spend so long just circling a park, singing Wheels on a Bus, like, until you go insane. He also circles the park, but he just- Also singing Wheels on the Bus until you go home. God, I wish he was singing that. No, he's just-

Yeah, you could have joined circles. It would have been kind of peaceful, yeah. Or he could have just sang it. I would just give him the baby. Like, why do I have to be there? No, he was perving on all the women in the park. Just like- Circling and perving.

Yeah, like he was quite slow. Like a shark. So it was okay but- He was slow. Yeah, he'd like creep up to you and be like, oh, you're so pretty. And you'd be like, oh my God, where did you come from? And he's been doing it for years.

And then he disappeared and we were like, we. There's not like a group that talks about him. But we were like, he's dead. He died. Thank God he's dead. And then a few weeks later, I hear this noise of wheels behind me and he's on one of those motorized scooter things. So, and he's fine, but he's just on one of those. So now he's like, he can cover like way more distance

in the park. They can go really fast. Yeah. Yeah. And he's just continuing his perving mission, just. And he's lower down. He's lower down, upskirting, that's an issue. And I just don't think they should, I think they should say like,

okay, we wanna give you one of these because you can't walk or whatever. But maybe it's better he doesn't. Yeah, like what are you gonna use it for? Yeah. Are you gonna use it for evil? Because you can't have one, you can just walk or stay at home.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think if you're a perv, you shouldn't be able to go faster. Exactly. I think that's a good, that's a good basic rule. You should go slower. They should slow him down somehow. You should put something like weights on his ankles. You shouldn't give him a tool

that means he can chase past. He can chase past the park and he's like, you're so pretty, you're so pretty. Oh, I hate that. Yeah, put him on the island because he won't, with the sand, he'll just be revving those wheels for ages and he won't be able to move. Yeah. Great.

Yes. Also impossible to charge. Okay. Great. Great. Who's the second person? The second person, this is controversial because I know this actually worked for you, but the woman that invented HypnoBear thing, Siobhan Miller, I'm gonna name her.

Yeah, yeah. I just think it's bullshit. Okay, did you do like a course or you read the book? I read the book. And then I got the app. Yeah, you didn't do a course or anything? No, I didn't do a course. I did a normal course, like a... Just baby and bump kind of course.

Just a cooking course, yeah. But I just found her like really like braggy, like just talking about how great her birth was and how amazing she is. And then like the meditations that you have to listen to, like when you start your labor, she's like not even always talking about like how great her labor was. Like sometimes she just starts talking about like the time she ran a marathon. And I just don't think that's relevant. It's just like another thing I haven't done. Yeah, she's using it to list her accomplishments.

Yeah, she's like, another thing that I've been through, that I nailed, that you're not nailing, is the London Marathon. Anyway, it lasted about seven minutes, and then I threw my phone out the window. Did you, were you using the, is it the Freya app? Yeah. So you're timing the contractions?

Yeah. And that didn't, that wasn't your friend? I mean, I did do that for a while, but then the pain just got like, I just, I mean, I probably just wasn't doing it right, but it just made me really angry. Yeah, blame yourself, I think. Yeah, I think so.

Probably is the best thing to do. But since having a baby, I've asked so many people how their births were, and so many people are like, they were terrible. Like, it feels like the general. Yeah, mine was terrible, yeah. Mood is like, birth is shit. Yeah, but with mine, I felt like it could have been good,

and that's what's frustrating about it. Because you didn't. Because they weren't listening to me. But you did do the, oh, they weren't, yeah, I think I blame them as well. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it is like a free-for-all and they were so busy. It was like COVID. It was just like crazy times. It was like, they like literally had got people that were working there because they hadn't been a nurse in years, but they

were just like bringing them back and being like, just come and cover the shifts because everyone's got COVID and it was just like chaos. But I think that was the thing that I hated was the, so mine would be like somebody like higher up in the NHS that's in charge of this shit. That would be my person that I'd put on the island. Yeah. Although when I gave birth, there was like a trainee doctor strike or something. So we actually had all these like high up consultants, which I was like, oh, that's great. Like we're gonna have like the people

that know what they're doing. But the problem with that is they're fucking cocky. And they just think they know everything and they don't really wanna like like double check anything. Yeah that was it I was literally telling them things they weren't listening and in some in some cases they were brilliant for some things they were so good like beforehand they were really good like I had some PTSD stuff but they didn't take that into acknowledgement in the room in any way. Like the people there were not

briefed on like any of that stuff and you have a birth plan and you might as well have just like shoved it up your vagina. Because- Although they would have found it then because they love the old fisting, don't they? They love it. Maybe that is where people should put it. They say put it in print of a few copies,

but maybe you should- Like a weird little Easter egg hunt thing. Keep it inside you. And then when they reach up, they take it out and then they can't not. And then it's like they have ownership of it because they're like, I found it, so I feel really good about that. Yeah, they get it out. And then they can't not. And then it's like they have ownership, because they're like, I found it. So I feel really good about that.

Yeah, they got some kind of, yeah. Yeah, because like they were like, oh, I didn't know this until after, but they thought the baby was back to back. And the midwife had asked the fancy doctor for a scan. And he was like, no, I'm just gonna do this, because I like doing this. And he was like, everything's fine with his little hands figuring out. And she was back to back and he, and then it was

like a tug of war trying to get her out because he'd done his very modern way of checking. I'm like, why? I'm like, we're here with all of these like machines and like modern technology. And I'm like, why don't you just use one of those? He's like, nope, just taking his watch off, ready to go. I'm like, why? Do you think he's threatened by modern technology, like the invention of the vibrator or something? And he's like, I want-

It was, it was a penis thing. Yes. It's always a penis thing. It's always a penis thing. But anyway, let's put the woman that wrote the book into the island. Yeah, I just think, if you had a really great time then just be quiet. It's like being the only...

Yeah, I find it aspirational. I do like the positivity about it because I think so much of people being like, oh, you wait, it's the worst thing ever and I don't think that is helpful because then I think you spend the whole time worrying about it. And I like, but maybe it's like a perfectionist thing where I'm like, but I want that perfect birth and I want it to be attainable. Yeah, but then you don't want to feel like a failure. I think that's the flip side of it.

Like if no one tells you that it could be really awful, then if yours is really awful, you're like, what the fuck's wrong with me? Like, why didn't I read that book properly? Why aren't I Siobhan? Why can't I run a marathon? Cause I don't want to. But I think just be quiet about it maybe

because it's like being the only survivor of a plane crash and you're just like, wow. Yeah, write a book about how to survive a plane crash. Why didn't you just breathe through that impact? Like what's wrong with you? Yeah, you just happened to sit on a lucky seat. Exactly. You just happened to, yeah.

You were the pilot. You used somebody else's body as a human shield and you survived. Got all the children, padded you around. And then you wrote a better book. And then meditated. Okay, who's third? Third is a bit of a weird one but it's the guy that does the go compare adverts. Yes, is he a bit a bit handsy? Is he? Oh yeah, he oh he is that's not even why strictly, but he does get that. But I love that. That's his like really good quality. So like, let's ignore that. Yeah. Um, yeah, all of mine are pervs. Except Siobhan. Well, she probably is a perv. Oh, he did get handsy, what a little bastard.

No, I hate him because of those adverts. And I hate, you know, like, I mean, my partner's an actor, so he hates him even more. And like that kind of, I've got that awareness of like actors and any kind of performer, like doing something that was not on their list of things to achieve in life, like ending up doing those adverts all the time. And I think for an opera singer, that's like even more heightened.

Yes, because you have a classiness, like an opera singer, it's like, whoa, you look down on people if you're an opera singer. Yeah, exactly. And he's doing these car insurance adverts. So I reckon he's like horrible to live with. He's just so pissed off the whole time. Don't you think the money would just make you like, just not care? I think, yeah, I think he'd be like a rich angry man. Yes. And it's just, he's just really annoying.

Yeah. Have you ever used the website? Of course. Yeah, it gets in your head. The singing really gets in your head. I think also, is he Welsh? Yes, I think so. Yeah, because is his name Gwyn or something? Yeah, yeah.

So is it Gwyn? Yeah. It's Gwyn. Yeah. Look it up. I'm also just realising that I've misunderstood the concept of this podcast. They're all on a desert island. So the idea is that you're trapped on a desert island with the things that you hate. So these are all things that you hate. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I am there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're making your worst island. Okay. So you've put a pervert. A supervert.

A supervert. Is this my dream island, actually? You can just recycle this Liz when you go on Des Islander. It's gonna be fine. And actually like a really nice woman that's like a feminist. Like it's actually really great.

Okay, so. Liz is known as Gwyn Evans. Gwyn, sorry, not Gwyn, Gwyn. Gwyn is a Welsh name. Yeah. Well done. I don't hate him because he's Welsh because my partner's Welsh but maybe that's why my partner really hates him. I think it's really my partner that hates him. Yeah.

So there you go. Okay Lily, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you it's your least favourite food and drink. What is it and why? Please. Food, smelly cheese. Okay.

I'm sure this has been said before. It's been said, but I think it's like, it's why personally for you it would be so bad. I just don't understand why you would wanna put something in your mouth that smells like ass. Unless you want to put ass in your mouth and that's different. That's not like for nutrition, that's just for funsies. And when people are like, the worse it smells, the better that, like it's off.

Like it's not, like if anything else smelt like that, like you would put it in the bin. But why is it okay for cheese? Yeah, it's like humans are weird, aren't they? Like it's like, it is a weird thing. And like, I hate when you open a fridge and there's a smell, like there's just like one bit of cheese in it, but the whole,

the whole thing kind of like hits you in the face. Like that doesn't make me go, mm, mm, let me put that in my body. And it's like you're seen as being like sophisticated if you like that. If you like a disgusting smell, then you're like, you're better. Why are you better than if you eat a baby bell?

It's like eating out of a bin. Yeah, cause I've got a very low class. Yeah, like I like a baby bell. I like a cathedral. Yeah. Just keep it simple. Yeah. I am, well, I am vegan now. It's a disaster.

But I hate vegan cheese because I tried to be vegan when I was pregnant and then the smell, like I just can't, I hate it. I'd like, well, with the pizza, I'd rather they just don't put cheese on and they just have the tomato. I'm fine with that. It's if they add the vegan cheese, it's like, ugh. It's so bad.

And that's, I think, the similar way, it's like the smell is so bad. It's like you can trick yourself. Yeah, why did you try and be vegan when you were pregnant? Did Siobhan tell you to? Siobhan said that I'd have a really nice birth if I was a leading. You were just like more of a perfect person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually ran a marathon while I was giving birth. Oh my God. A woman did run a marathon five months pregnant. Did you hear about that? No. She should stop. And the bloody Olympics, what are they doing?

What's that? What is that? Archery. Yeah. Archery. They're doing that while pregnant. That seems hazardous. the Olympics what they do that what's that what is that yeah archery archery they're doing that while pregnant yeah that seems hazardous and fencing you should not have a big everyone was pregnant at the Olympics so I had an invention and no one else thinks it's good idea do you think because I was always so like paranoid about my bump do you think you should have like a bump helmet what the bump where's the helmet so like like your head has a Don't you think you should have like a bump helmet?

What, the bump, where's the helmet? So like your head has a helmet? Like a baby helmet? Yeah, your head has a helmet and then when you're pregnant you have a pregnancy helmet. Because you also wear a helmet on your head. Yeah, you can wear a helmet wherever you want. I think if you don't wear one on your head and you're wearing one on your belly, that's weird. But if it's both.

Okay, that's what you think's weird. So you're paranoid of it. I was always so worried that somebody could like or you could like accidentally walk into like a knife or something. Yeah just get impaled. Yeah. Because that happens so often. Okay what drinks you putting in? Raki. Raki. The Greek, I mean they say it's a drink, but it's, I mean it's like a chemical. I never heard of it. What is Raki? So I spent, I was in Greece for like six months and they forced me to drink it and they have

it with like every meal. It's like Ouzo. Is it Ouzo kind of thing? Like it's petrol kind of alcohol. Kind of not, like worse. It's got no flavor, just like pure alcohol. And they always say like a sweet little old Greek lady comes over and she's like oh this is a homemade, this is a homemade recipe. She's like on the floor on her scooter. She just sidles up to me in a motorized machine she's like, I made this, my family's been making this

for years and years and years. And you think it's gonna be like really sweet and lovely and it's just like, it's disgusting, it's like rocket fuel. But you have to drink it, because they bring it in a little pot and everyone's drinking it, and it'd be rude if you didn't drink it. And then you end up, you don't know where your shoes are.

It makes you, doesn't make you really drunk. Like black out drunk. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I did keep drinking it because it was free. That's the problem, that's the problem. Do you know that's where they smash all those plates and stuff, they're just like off their heads. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is interesting. Do they have like wine as well? Or it's like, that's like, they're sipping on it or they don't. No, they don't have any wine in Greece. They don't, they don't have water. They Greece they don't have water they just drink this stuff they just drink raki but there's just a thing that they do you know the meal they do this dance the raki dance

I actually did have to Greece this has never happened James if you want it's happening you asked me all these things no you're gaslighting us Lily. You've come in here and you said this is what the Greek do. And I've never heard of any of this. Where in Greece was this? Crete. Okay, yeah. Okay, I've heard of it. Yeah, I've been to Crete, but I've never had this.

Yeah, no, they do. It must be. It must be. I don't know about this. I've looked it up. Nothing comes up. Of all the controversial ones. Blank you've broken the internet. It's made of aniseed and grape.

Horrible. It's the national drink of Turkey. The national drink of Turkey. You were in Turkey Lily. That's why. Six months and nobody told me. drink of turkey you were in Turkey Lily that's why. So much rack I thought I was in Greece. So fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains entertainment system continues to work but unfortunately for you it only has your least favourite film and your least favourite song.

What are they and why are they? Film I really struggle with because I love, I do sort of love all films. Like I've never left the cinema. You love all films? Yeah. Porn, whatever. I've got a really eclectic mix. I know, but like I would never leave the cinema.

Like however bad the film was, I just love being in the cinema. I would never walk out. I'd still enjoy watching a bad film than not watching a film at all. But one, the only one that came to mind was P.S. I love you. Because I can't remember how many weeks it is, but like, so, her husband dies, doesn't he? Like a brain tumor or something. And like, she's really upset, ofs.

And then it's like, it cuts to like, I just think it's really lazy storytelling. It's like, I think it was like four weeks later, or like four months later, like a thing comes across the screen, and someone comes lazy storytelling. It's like, I think it was like four weeks later or like four months later, like a thing comes across the screen and someone comes into her flat and is like, come on, you need to sort your life out. That's clearing up all this shit.

And she's like, like her husband, why do I keep this? Her husband just died. And like, I think you need a bit longer than that. I just found that really problematic. And I don't really like what's her face who's it yeah who is it in it the one that was the boxer the one that was the boxer yeah she was a boxer in another film. Hillary Swank! Hillary Swank! and so poor Hillary Swank's really sad about her dead her dead husband and a few weeks later they're like, get up, get moving! What's wrong with you? You've got to find love, we've got film to make.

You've got to start wallowing in it. Yeah. I just wonder who decided on that time, because they could have written anything in there. Yeah. Because they weren't even having to- Five years later they find her still in bed. Staring at photos of him crying. Fine, yeah, like, intervention, that's okay then. But like, I probably should have found out the actual length of time, but it definitely wasn't long enough

after your husband died, I think. I agree, because I mean, I just got divorced, and it's taken me ages to like, feel like ready to get back out there, and like, he's alive. Yeah. Very alive. Then maybe that's harder.

I think it's harder for me. Yeah. I think it's harder, because he's alive. I mean, not for him, because it's harder for me. Yeah. I think it's harder because he's in life. I mean not for him because he would then be dead, but. Yeah, yeah. People are clearer about that. Although maybe not, because PSA love you, it's a piece of shit.

But I also hate anything to do with zombies, and I know it's not a film, but The Walking Dead, I cannot, like my boyfriend watches that all the time. And it doesn't matter, if I just walk in at any point, it could be like series one or series, like, I don't know, like 12, how many have they made? Just goes on and on. Like it's the same thing that's happening.

There are still zombies that they're trying to get away from. I find it an absolute nightmare. Like I actually don't, my perfect film actually doesn't have any stakes. It's like there might be a zombie, like a threat of a zombie, and then they're like, oh don't worry, we've got rid of it.

And then it's done, like the idea of things coming back, I'm like, oh my God, what is it, like I can't deal with the stress of it. Yeah, cause why would you wanna be stressed watching a film, like there's too much of that in your life. I don't need more stress, I wouldn't escape from stress. You're so right. Do you find zombies very scary?

Yeah. Yeah. I don find zombies very scary? Yeah. Yeah. I don't like watching scary things, I don't think. You've never had an experience with a zombie. It's just... No, I haven't. Have you? Yeah, no.

No. But it's still a real fear, I guess. Yeah. Because any minute, like it could... Yeah, they look, they're visually jarring as well. Like it's an unsettling look. Yeah, and it could be someone you know that suddenly becomes a zombie.

Yeah, that's what's so hard, isn't it? And you're like, hey, hey, it's me. Yeah, yeah, I just want to watch a nice film about someone's dead husband. Lost in Translation is one of those films where nothing happens. Yeah, yeah. That's a really comforting film. That's what I want. I've watched nothing happens. Yeah, yeah, really comforting film. I watched that loads. Yeah

Yeah, that's what I want. I probably want a bit more happening to be honest. No, okay. I want a bit more Um, a bit more. What else can I give you? Less lost. I don't want them. I don't want like a lostness Yeah, I know they're not actually lost but they're a bit like mentally lost like what if you take the element that she was really young When she shot it, that's what I like. So there's some jeopardy there. she was really young when she shot it? That's what I like. So there's some jeopardy there. I like really young and really old. That's what I want.

That's what I want. That is hot. That's so hot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. What about animals? Who's the worst animal on this island? Wait, no, we skipped one. We skipped one. I've skipped one. We skipped one. I've skipped song.

What's your least favourite song? Again, no specific song. You'll be glad to hear. It's a riddle again. It's a riddle. You have to work it out. Anything drum and bass? Yeah.

I'm sorry. But... They don't have names anyway. Do they not? Well, I don't think it's all just like skibbity-dee, like, you know what I mean? Like, it's like... Skibbity-dee. They actually have names anyway. So they know why I don't think it's all just like skibbity like, you know what I mean? Like it's like, they actually have names. Scooby doo, boop, da ba dee. I think that's jazz, isn't it? Also jazz. Okay. That would be horrible. Yeah. Imagine if you were with someone that was just scatting the whole time.

That is that is well that's there's a Sex in the City storyline isn't there where she's the Jad and then he tries to play her and at first she's like oh this is nice and she's like he's got a genuine problem. He's trying to play everything like it's Jad. She's like where did you grow up and he's like yeah drum and bass yeah because that was that was like a that was a big thing when I was growing up but um it's quite fun for a minute. But I actually, I like lyrics. Yeah.

I like, I don't like, yeah, I like lyrics. I like a bit of a story. I like- A story in a song. I know what you're saying. Don't look at me, I'm listening to the song. They're about to fall in love. I like characters, I like story, I like plot.

No, but there's just, yeah, it's intense. Have you had bad experiences with it? Is that why? Yeah, I think it was just something, like for me growing up as well, like the night would be fun, you'd be out, everyone would be dancing normally, in a normal way.

Yeah, yeah. Like they weren't possessed. And then suddenly, there's just this change, and no one asked if that's what they wanted, what we wanted. And then everyone just starts like, jumping about and like throwing their arms about. I do quite like that a bit though,

that is quite nice a bit. But it just doesn't look good. Do you think it's because you're a trained dancer, and you've been in your element, everyone's been like, oh look at Lily, and then suddenly. Basically before, it was just me dancing, and was in a circle going Lily, Lily, Lily And I was just there in the splits being like I can do this, you love me

You hate everyone being happy, okay And then everyone was like oh we can do this and I'm like fuck off you plebs I trained for this my whole life Look at me Yeah there is no, I think that is something because there's no way, even if you have trained, there's no way of looking good when you're doing drama based dancing.

That's where I shine. Yeah, get rid of standards, I'm in. Yeah. That's the problem is if you need to look good, I can't, that's not me. Yeah, it's an equalizer. Yeah, yeah. I don't want that.

You don't want a level playing field. Yeah. I just want an audience. You're not allowed to dance. It's just me. Yeah. Stop everyone else. Yeah.

Great. Great. Well, then you're coming across really well on the podcast. Okay. So finally, I'm the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it for you and why? I see. I don't think they're a dick.

I just was imagining myself like on the island with them and like okay it's a hamster. An island overrun with cute little hamsters you'd hate that. Yeah because I'd be all alone well I'd just be with these the people that I hate and all this smelly cheese and all I want to do is like for comfort would be to like stroke and cuddle like another being and they just wouldn't let me do that at all they just get they just run the fuck off even if there were loads of them like I'd never be able to catch one of them and enough to like have you ever had a hamster yeah they didn't like you isn't this normal for all hamsters? I don't know, I feel like with my, I had hamsters and I feel like you could kind of like, you could kind of stroke them.

Like they'd sit in their hand and you'd stroke them. Like I think that's... That sounds like that hamster wasn't well. I think a healthy young hamster. If you don't feed them enough, you can really cuddle them and on an island it would be hard for them, you know? That hamster's dead. Yeah, my hamster did escape.

Um had a little a little white hamster called Tallulah. Cute. Yeah she was really cute if only she would have let me love her. Okay. So she escaped for three days and um and then I was like devastated and then she appeared again, completely black. She'd been under the floorboards. Oh, I thought you meant like maybe she'd experienced

some kind of trauma, you know, how like people's hair turns white like after a trauma. Or maybe she'd like, she'd been living in captivity and then suddenly she was free and so she went from being, having white hair to black. She's like, I'm living a life again, but it wasn't like. Like she died her hair. She died it. Yeah, She's like, I'm living a life again, but it wasn't like. She dyed her hair. She dyed it.

Yeah, she's like in disguise. She's like, I don't want Lily to see me again. She had sunglasses on, a little bag over her shoulder. One of those neck ties, like a scarf around her head. I'm like, to Lily, she's like, I'm Susan. I've never seen you before. And no, I cleaned it with a little toothbrush. Oh.

Yeah. But it just wasn't, it wasn't reciprocal. No. Yeah. I just think it's a really shit gift for a kid. Yeah, I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I'd do if Mabel wanted a hamster because some of it is a bit cruel. Like they are a bit like, they're cowering sometimes.

I think the only thing you see someone like a child put their big hand in and then you see them cower in fear. Her big massive hand goes into the cage. Poor little hamster. She's tiny but the hand, she's just got adult hands. But yeah they do look a bit like, I mean anxious as hell. Yeah they're quite anxious. It's not a life. It's not life and like what is it teaching the kid because they also die like they last like three years. Yeah and it's very it's like I think it's very stressful having a habit and also you have

to click like they really smell you have to clean it like it is a... They smell because they're unwell. They're not happy. It's a mental health crisis. Well, Lily, thank you so much. We've learned a lot. Your island is overrun by hamsters and perverts. So we've discovered. That would be good for the scooter guy though because there'd be so many hamsters.

Like that would slow them down as well. Yeah, so they'd be trying to move and, like that would slow them down as well. Yes, they'd be trying to move and they'd just be overrun by hamsters. Yeah, because I think most people is like, I think maybe I imagine one animal, and you're the first person that's like, it's like overrun by an animal. And it's like, it's a cute image,

like an island just overrun by hamsters crawling all over the place. Maybe there were loads of them, like maybe I could get one of them. Yeah, well maybe they'd like, because you'd be outnumbered by hamsters. You'd be their pet. They would stroke me.

Yes. Yeah. They would take you as one of theirs. And that's how that's why I've been confused. I think they've been confused. That's why they run away because they're like, this isn't how it's supposed to go. Yes. In the natural order of you get on my lap. You get in that wheel. Yeah. OK. Nice. Sorry, ham Nice. I'm so sorry

hamsters I feel terrible. Lily what are you up to at the moment where people can find you? I'm getting ready for Edinburgh. The Edinburgh Fringe Festival, heard of it? Yeah I know it's super famous. I'm doing two weeks, the first two weeks. Great that's what I did last year is great. I know I'm I mean I'm also still dreading it but and I'm sure I'll, the first two weeks. Great, that's what I did last year, it's great. I know, I mean I'm also still dreading it, but, and I'm sure I'll complain just as much as I normally do, but I think two weeks is good. Yeah, it's great. Monkey barrel, two.

Monkey barrel, lovely. Lovely, 130. Nice, nice. Yeah, so I'm gonna do that, and then I'm gonna go and have a nap. Nice. Nice. Yeah. So I'm going to do that and then I'm going to go and have a nap.

So I'm working on a show about having a baby called crying. Great. So it's going to be fun. Great. Oh, I also do another, I do a podcast with Esther Minito. It's called Ghastly Women. We love Esther. So you can check that out.

That's wonderful. That's wonderful. Are you gonna tour the show afterwards? Yeah, I'd like to. Well, people can find out about it on the En Refringe Festival website, I imagine. But if they wanted to get there quicker, they could just follow you on social media.

Yeah, although I'm quite shit at that and I haven't actually put it up on my social media. Okay, well, you're not helping yourself, but maybe by the time this comes out. But I will do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I've stopped planning my desert island. Yeah, you can focus on the bigger picture.

I have so much free time to do all of that admin. Thank you. Lily's a very funny standup, so make sure you check her out. And thank you so much for coming on, Lily. Really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. Bye bye.