Desert Island Dicks - LINDSEY SANTORO

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

Ahead of her show's in Birmingham and London, comedian Lindsey Santoro joins James to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Lindsey is hilarious and lovely - GO AND BUY TICKETS TO SEE HER LIVE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is stand-up comedian Lindsay Santoro. Hello, Lindsay. Hello, how are you? I'm fine, how are you doing?

When I asked you how to introduce you, I asked and I said some people like to stand up comedian and other things that might be like writer or podcaster. What did you recommend that I introduce you? I said stand-up comedian and general tram. General tram. I thought it would sound better coming from you. I didn't feel that comfortable.

You were like, I'm not saying that. Oh, my chair went down then. Oh, God, sorry. No, it's all right. I bought this chair off Amazon, and every now and again, the pressure goes, I'll just fall. Which is for a podcast, you can't see that. But essentially what happened was I was halfway through talking

and disappeared. I mean, like we sometimes put out video clips and maybe that is it. It's already happened in the first two minutes. We've got our clip for this episode. Thank you so much for joining me, Lindsay. Lindsay, how did you find choosing your people and things for the desert island? I quite enjoyed it. I realised, although I'm quite like a negative person,

I don't dislike that many things intently, where I wouldn't like to be on an island with them. So it was a bit hard, really. And a lot of the people I don't like to be on an island with them. So it was a bit hard, really. And a lot of the people I don't like, I wouldn't say on this podcast because it would ruin my career. So it's very difficult in a way, but also quite cathartic. So I've enjoyed it, yeah. We get a lot of people say catharsis.

Yeah, that's good. I'm glad. I'm glad because you either get one or two things generally. It's like catharsis or, you know i'm glad i'm glad because you either get one or two things generally it's like catharsis or you know it really gets people boiled up and then that spends the rest of the day just full of hate so i'm glad it's been i'm glad it's been the former um yeah and also maybe yeah quite wise sometimes to choose the people that you like steer clear of people that you might encounter on the comedy circuit say yeah do you know what i mean yeah because like if you're going to be in a room with them at some

point you might be like, if they didn't listen did someone tell them about that podcast episode, so I think why The thing is with me, if I didn't like you I'd tell you to your face, so it's not even like it's really hard because I go they know I don't like them

and then I think well no because actually I would be. Oh, I would. Oh, yeah. It's tricky, isn't it? Well, you filled me with intrigue. Let's get into it. Who's going to be your first choice for the desert island?

My first choice? I don't know. Although I love them and find them hilarious, I don't think I could be stuck on an island with them. It would be Mr Blobby. Oh, yeah. That is chaos immediately. I was just...

If I was trapped, I need someone who's going to do... Who's going to help me and not just... I imagine making a shelter and him just coming in and kicking it down and then slapping me and then the risk of noel edmunds appearing is too much yeah was he good just the worst thing would be is mr blobby's there you're trying to do anything build a fire and he's just like stamping it out or like just landing on top of you the worst thing would be a day or two in he just

removes his head and it is no and you realize you've been there with no lemons the whole time you and blobby have been sat around the campfire the night before and you've been slagging no because you didn't think he was there and then you just get Noel Edmonds popping out. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're getting two for one here. I've never liked Noel Edmonds. I always found that him on Deal or No Deal was irrelevant. Like, what do you need to be there for? What are you doing? Telling people to open a box, they can do that.

Answer the phone, she can do that herself. What are you here at? You're just getting on everyone's nerves. Yeah. Just put an it box in there. Do you know what I mean? Just let them play on the it box. And like also, like he made himself into some kind of like strange,

like cult leader where he put too much into people just opening the box. It's just like they pick... You're right, he was irrelevant. But they could just literally choose numbers. They don't need him dancing around the place. It's really weird. I can't stand mild peril. Like anything that's got any mild...

I can't cope with it. And I found that Deal or No deal was just like i'm getting stressed about a cardboard box here um and i can't cope with it my friend he went to one of the recordings and he went to one of the recordings where a box fell off uh as they were recording and he was telling me it was like it was like the biggest it was like the level of a government threat I think he said that to clear everybody

out and then get them all back in again just because the box fell off they only win about 4p didn't they it's actually genius the producers they're like how do we start a show where basically no one wins any money do you know i mean it's great so stressful so stressful he

also for me because when he did house party they did um a lot of these like hidden camera things with kids do i don't know if you remember this and And it just made me paranoid that all the time, Noel Edmonds could be filming me. Yeah. Yeah. That's awful. That's an awful thought. It's just like you're in your house or you're just like, I don't know, getting out of the bath and you're like,

is he going to pop out? Is he in the boiler again, crying? Get out, Noel. Stop it. I mean, not to be too pedantic, but he's not even your choice. Oh, no. Mr. Blobby is your choice. Yes.

Do you know what? He's such a good choice. Yeah. I can watch. When I feel sad, I watch videos of him on YouTube just kicking people. Just awful. He's so bad. But the thought of being stuck actually physically

within the remit of him is not okay. Because I also think if I was stuck on an island with him, he's got massive fingers. What can you do? Nothing. And I get the feeling that one day I'd get up and he'd just be floating face down in the sea. And then you've got to bury him.

And he's massive. And Mr. Blobby's an inconvenience. That's what he is. He is an inconvenience. You'd have to build a raft and, like, although you could use it to get to safety, you'd have to just send him off. Do you know what I mean?

Like a captain's death, just, like, send him off into the sea. Yeah, because if you set him on fire, he's plastic, isn't he? That's just going to stink. You'd just send him off. Do you know what I mean? Like a captain's death, just like send him off into the sea. Yeah, because if you set him on fire, he's plastic, isn't he? That's just going to stink. You'd just watch him melt. Mr. Blobby. I don't know if Mr. Blobby's been chosen on here before, and so I'm quite impressed. I think that is a good choice because you're just trying to get through.

Do you know what I mean? You're trying to get through every day, and you've just got Mr Blobby, just a hindrance. Oh, he's a prick, isn't he? Can I say prick? Yeah, of course you can. Love is comedy.

The thing is, I don't even know if Mr Blobby's still the same person. Surely Mr Blobby's too old to be Mr Blobby now and then Blobby within is a different blob. How does that work?

I'd love to know if it's the same person that's been Mr Blobby the whole time. Did you see they were selling his suit on eBay? No. I can't remember how much it went for, but it was well tattooed. It was rank. You know, his eyes are just wobble.

It's very... Do you know what's like original Mr Blobby suit sold on eBay for an eye-watering price? It went for £62,000. That's wild. And here's me setting it on fire when he's dead. That's awful.

I know. It's worth £62,000. If anything, you want to build a shelter for that on the island, so at least when you get home you get a nice payoff. Imagine the inside of it. I bet that was so sweaty for the wearer of Mr Blobby. I can't remember how he used to be able to see. Did I look out their

mouths? Because your eyes weren't real were they? And no one's eyes were on the top of their head. I'd love to think the actual bloke was just like some eye-head man inside. He just found the one guy who can see out of Mr Blobby. That's the talent. Maybe that's why

he trashed the place all the time. He couldn't see anything. I just love it when they invite him on stuff like this morning and you know what's going to happen and you can hear in your own head the producers going oh god like gino dicampo's getting punched in the head alison hammond's died because mr blobby's sat on her just think yeah it's good great to watch but i don't want it near me thank

you very much he's getting his own back for when alison hammond sat on that little woman june have you seen that oh it's amazing the clip when angie harriet walks in and he says well hello june you ever see that but they're on the sofa this tiny little woman she's like 90 and allison hammond is just like he's gonna make Oh yeah, she's like, he's going to make you breakfast and he comes in and goes, hello Jude. Hello Jude.

Oh, I forgot about that. I remember the time she accidentally pushed somebody off the floating weather

map. Yes, she did. I love that. Yeah, that's why they send Blobby in. I love her too,

I think she's brilliant. She's absolutely brilliant. More Alison on TV I think. She could be on my island any day. Yeah, that's why they send Blobby in. I love her too. I think she's brilliant. She's absolutely brilliant. More Alison on TV, I think. She could be on my island any day. Yeah, yeah. For all the right reasons.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, Lindsay. Okay, Mr Blobby, fantastic first choice, Chaos Island. Who's going to be your second choice? Well, Nigella Lawson. Just because my husband fancies her and I'm not having it and I'm not having it.

I'm not having it. Also, could you imagine her cooking? She'd be like sucking up a fish rather than doing anything with it. I'm like, come on, Nigella, we're hungry. You don't need, you're just absolutely starving and she's just like, ooh, yeah, her. Making everything sexy you're like no

I don't cook that is the long and short of it and when I do cook it's very basic like shepherd's pie, pasta babe, sausage casserole which I've worked out is just

gravy and onions and sausage. But the idea of just doing something like that and trying to make it sexual is very odd. But she does it so well that it infuriates me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't know, you should do a YouTube series where you do like pasta bakes

in a Diagella style I would watch that I don't think I could do it it would be just like here's your slutty pasta and your dirty pig sauce you open your tin of tomato she's too attractive and she's. She's too attractive

and she's too perfect. And she's just... If we double back to your first thing you said, it was that your husband fancies her. Yeah, essentially. And so, you know, you're not seeing him. You're stuck on a desert island with these people and things.

If you're seeing her every day being like, he really fancies you, that's going to eat away at you, I think. Also, if I got rescued from the island and David, my beautiful husband, came to pick me up and Nigella's there and I've been on an island, I don't know, let's say three years, and my whole beard's grown, I've got hairy legs, my roots have grown out, my whole beard's grown. I've got hairy legs. My roots have grown out.

My eyebrows have now joined together. And there's Nigella Lawson looking like a voluptuous egg. Just like, you're not going to be happy to see me. You're not. It's just like, oh, do you know what? Oh. Well, hello, Nigella. That's annoying.

So annoying. Do you know what? I like that you've put that you do get rescued from this island because a lot of people do wither and die. So thank you. Oh, no, I'm getting off. Just pure. I'm not staying.

I can't cope with it. Determined. Yeah, I appreciate it. That's good. That's nice. Okay. So we've got nigella and mr blobby so far yeah you're creating quite the island who's going to be your third choice well i was going to put a collective group of toddlers but i thought i can't really do that so

i've gone and i can't put my own kid on there because it'd just be mean. So I thought, what is the most similar thing to my daughter? And I said, Pingu. What do you mean? The most similar thing to your daughter is Pingu. In behaviour. I watched Pingu recently as an adult. He's a fucking dick. He pisses on the floor.

He fucks about with the toilet. He pushes people over and then his mum goes and he goes and he's just like that is a toddler and the idea of just having that on an island where you go Pingu could you go and like look on the beach

for some rocks and he goes and I'd yeet him into the sea and then he'd piss on everything. He'd eat everything. Pingu can just... Why was that ever made? Like, I watch it and I go, this is terrible.

Like, when I was little, I thought it was the best bit I've ever watched. But the episode where he just pisses on everything. He literally pisses on everything. Yeah, he's a big pisser, isn't he? Yeah. That's so funny that he did that in a kid's poker. You wouldn't get away with that now, would you? No, Wallace and Gromit, they're made of plasticine.

They're not pissing on everything. They're not pissing on stuff, yeah. But imagine if you were watching In the Night Garden and they're just always having a slash on the tree. Do you know what I mean? They just wouldn't do that now. It's just not a thing. You say that, but Upsy Daisy not upsy-daisy what are this there's like them three in the i can never

remember i've tried to blank them out there's three of them whose trousers fall off all the time yeah you're right and then you've got upsy-daisy snogs everybody she does she's a bit promiscuous she's a bit of a slag what are those her and Nigella she's a bit of a slag what about what about what are those three things called the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the don't have that anymore i don't watch it anymore but at one point it was an obsession yeah yeah but what you were saying about pingu and watching it as a kid i watched it as well and i loved it

and maybe it's because we can just relate yeah we are pingu at that age pingu is all of us and Pingu is a prick. He just fucks... He's horrible. He's just really horrible. Please, if you find any time in your day today, just watch Pingu for 10 minutes. Watch a bit. And realise what an awful shit. And you can't even blame the parents

because they're doing the best. He's horrible. He's horrible to his sister, who is one. Also, a baby. He's horrible to his sister, who is one. A baby. He's horrible to his friend, the seal. Like, slaps him about. He eats everything. He's not a nice boy. And,

the way they eat, with their little mouth, that makes me feel sick. I couldn't sit opposite that and watch his little big mould around a carrot or whatever. His little, like, a carrot or whatever. Yeah, yeah. His little, like, long mouth, like. It's really, like, sticks out.

It's like, calm down. Yeah. No, that's good. This is really good, yeah. Pingo would be fucking awesome. I know he's not a person, but I just thought, can't put a toddler on. People will call social services they will

it's funny because our conversation pre recording was about how our kids are just battering us through the night at the minute I have a friend whose kid is the same age and their kid slept through the night for about six months

and I'm just when will that happen well I would say we we had a really good period for a while that they did they both did and we had amazing sleep so hopefully for you that will come but I am living proof that just enjoy it while it lasts because that could come crashing back down on you at any moment. So once you get those nights, those long nights, Lindsay, if I can give you any advice is don't book any live shows for a while and just go to bed early. Mate, if you can, do it, please.

Do you know what's good about her, which I will say, the future reference, if she ever listens to this podcast, I love you. Also, she does sleep in. It's a nightmare to get her up in the morning. So when she's, from about six o'clock onwards, you know you're safe. She won't get up till about 10.

She would stay in bed all day. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, that that's brilliant that's your time to shine sorry that we put this podcast at such an inconvenient time you should have been asleep I know she was up early this morning because she wee-weed I wee-weed I wee-weed

I wee-weed so similar to Pingu pissing everywhere a great choice of Wee-weed. She wee-wee'd through and up it. I wee-weed. So similar to Pingu. Pissing everywhere. A great choice of things, people and things for the island, I'd say. They are an awful combination. Everywhere you look is chaos. Do you know what I mean?

You're just not having any respite here. And from the looks of things, you've set up an island. This might be a reflection on your day-to-day life.'re having to do everything do you know what i mean i'm so lazy we just die we would just die i think nigella would pull a finger out yeah oh out of the four of you you and nigella but maybe you're saying not so much you. If it looks like it's going to be hard work, I would just lie on the beach and let myself burn to a crisp and then let the waves come and take me to sea because that's the best thing for everybody

because I'm not going to help. I've always said that. Like a zombie apocalypse, just let me go. I'm going to run straight out and let them have me. No, because I can't be bothered to run. Just walk out. Just walk out. Let them do the running, depending on what type of zombies they are.

Okay, well, let's try and keep you alive for a little while longer. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. But unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad porridge got so let's let's talk food first right porridge porridge do you just hate porridge i don't like to eat anything that tastes like it's like it's my own sick, like the texture. So like porridge, rice pudding. I just, I don't get it.

I don't get why people, like even, you know, and it's so samey. Even when they like stick, like my husband puts like jam in it. I'm just like, now you've got sugary mush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do eat a porridge sometimes, especially when it's cold. I do have a porridge. I have i'm fine with that but like i get what you mean about textures so like i couldn't eat a trifle because to me that's just like that's just too many elements just making a sick like texture all together like rice pudding i would never do never ever rice pudding i didn't realize they use actual rice yeah that's weird

and i found that odd i found yeah i don't know what what is what is what i still don't understand what rice pudding what makes it a pudding is it i don't know what it is is it custard and rice what is it somebody working out something like that yeah but that's rank to me it's horrible it's vile it's vile a muslin eats itlin eats that, but he won't eat custard. He's terrified of custard. He's got a phobia of it. That's mad to me. But I do even get, like, if you had a piece of, like, like a bit of pie or whatever with custard on it

and it gets too mushy, towards the end, it's not as fun as at the start. No, no. And there's some, like, crunch in there. Do you know what I mean? You need a crunch. It's just the soup. Ugh.

I can't think about it too much. It makes me feel off. So porridge. Porridge would be your choice. Is there anything redeeming about porridge? Could you put anything in it to make it enjoyable for you? No. I don't know.

Chips. The listeners can't see this, but it's like chips. To put chips in and ketchup and maybe less porridge. Your face then is a picture. Okay. Yeah, look, I get it. I get it. I mean, there's an argument to say that the porridge,

you'll be able to live off that for a long time. That's keeping you going. Not me, I'll be dead. But as you said before, you're done. No way. Starve me out. You hate it. Okay.

What about, have you ever tried the one that's just like golden syrupy one that's just really sugary? No. Have you? Yeah, yeah. I think it's all right. Golden syrupy, golden. Is Reddy Breck the same as porridge?

I don't know. But I don't remember liking Reddy Breck as a kid. No, see, kid i don't like i think this is where it started i didn't like ready break and that's calling of but is that porridge because i feel like that is porridge in a way it's i think it must be it must be yeah i think it's like junior porridge and it's like porridge like baby porridge baby porridge so it's like smoother it used to scare me because you know when they said like it gives you energy for the day and then it was like an animation of a man like heating up i thought what if i explode what if i eat too much ready break and just explode i could be wrong but i seem to remember there being like a dragon involved

wasn't there this happened to me. I thought I dreamt the advert about the Milky Way bars and the cars racing. I don't know. And then it came on TV, and then I spoke to someone about it. It's from the early 90s, 80s. And again, they hadn't seen it,

so I just sounded mad. There's a weird... It's like the red car and the blue car had a race. Anyway, adverts from the 80s and the blue car had a race. Anyway, adverts from the 80s. Oh, look it up after this. No,

you won't. Don't bully yourself. It's not, it's not, it's not. It's not worth your time. You've got stuff to do. You've got,

you said you're going to go at 12. Come on. I've got to edit this podcast. Any distraction, any distraction. Well, I've got to edit this podcast. Any distraction? Any distraction? Well, I've got to look at Pingu now. There you are. While I'm there.

Okay, porridge. Anything else about porridge before you put it on the island? It looks horrible. It feels horrible. It tastes of dust. It's just like, ugh. Warm milk's got a funny smell. I don't even know how you make porridge.

I don't get it. Stop putting it in. Continental breakfast with porridge. I would say that they've made it idiot-proof for people like me. So basically, like, it's just in a little packet. And what you do, right, you rip the top off and stick it in. It's the right amount of porridge. And then you put milk in, and it has a little line to fill it up

with the right amount of milk. And you put that in. What has a little line to fill it up with the right amount of milk and you put that in what that's for real yeah it's like doing a pot noodle but i'd have a pot noodle if it were porridge if it was whichever no but then i'm just having a pot noodle i'm just having a pot noodle yeah okay so porridge goes on island. What's going to be your drink choice? I think people will come for me for this. Oh, really? Can I just stress, I've tried, I've really tried to like it,

and I don't. I don't. I'm just going to say I don't like it, and I don't like it. And it, oh, it's craft beer. Listen, I'm trying. But every time it tastes of pound coins. That's all I can taste.

And my husband, he loves it. He goes off with his mates to like craft beer festivals. And some of my friends have had their birthday parties at craft beer places. And it's just like, oh, there's nothing else. What can I drink? Oh, half a thimble of yeast. Oh, lovely. Oh, it's marshmallow flavour.

Why does it taste of shit? I get what people, I like the idea of it. People are making it. I love that. That's fine. But can we please just, it tastes of the inside of a purse. Thank you. As someone that does drink those beers,

I would say, though, this is not about me, but recently I've discovered that I am gluten-free, right? And this is really fucking annoying for me because I can't just drink any beer now, which I used to love drinking beer, and sometimes I do, but then I'm just in trouble after that. Is it windy? It's just bloated.

A big bloated man with loads of stomach problems. So I think it's years. I had years of, it was fine for years. And then it's just something's happened in the past couple of years. Craft beer, that's what it's done. Probably too much craft beer, but I can't avoid a Guinness sometimes. You're fermenting yourself, that's what it is.

I probably have pickled me insides. But with the craft beers, there's a whole range though, right? There's all different flavours. You can't get on board with any of the flavours. Jesus, I have really, really, I have, I cannot stress this enough, David will bring me back one that's like Cherry Bean Dream or some,

and he'll try this, he says you'll like this. No, cherry bean dream or some. And you'll try this. He says you'll like this. No. Taste of pankoins. What about this one? It's like marmalade dream. No.

What about this one? It's called Slut Drop 5000. Oh, no. Awesome. Taste of, sometimes, I can't. Maybe it's me. Maybe I can't. I it's me. Maybe I can't. I appreciate that people love it.

But for me, I can't. It just tastes funny. No, don't do it. And I don't want to drink something that tastes like... I drink and go... That's my face every time. What do you like? What's your drink of choice? I drink drinks from the 80s.

So I drink sherry and cherry beer and snowballs and Lambrino. I think this is my problem. I'm stuck in the past. I like a lager shandy. I was going to say, I would love to see you walk into a pub and be like, I'll have a small glass of sherry, please. Is that what you're doing? Are you actually? Really?

Wow. I'm just there at the bar getting around in. Cider, wicked. What do you want? Bitter. Yeah, cool. Guinness, fine. Lindsay, what are you... Sherry? Oh, if they don't have that, I'll have a white wine spritzer with lemonade.

Fine with saying that. I'd say a white wine spritzer with lemonade. Fine with saying that. I'd say that. I want to make you comfortable. This is what I would say. Yeah. I don't want you feeling uncomfortable. Do they do that? No, I'm so interested now.

Do they do a sherry? Does everywhere just have sherry? Most places, like older pubs and certain establishment chains that I don't go into, they all have it. They all have it, but some of the newer places probably won't. But I can drink quite a lot.

I have a spritzer, a lemonade spritzer, a mixer, but I just can't. I can't. I'm trying. If someone can recommend some nice craft beers, I will try them, but we'll have the same response. The problem is if you find one you like, right, then every pub you'll be like,

and then it would just be constant disappointment because there's such a range. Do you know what I mean? They never have the same one on. No. You might get one. You might get one that would be like punk ipa or something but then what does that even mean i don't know what does ipa mean india pale ale ah i know i don't know why it's

called that i've never actually questioned that but i would i should i'm gonna i shouldn't i i really like that these things like especially these craft places have popped up. I like going to them. I don't want to drink any of your drinks. Prove me wrong. Okay, craft beer is going to be your drink choice. Also, warm craft beer

for the rest of your life. That's not going to go down too well on the island, I don't think. Porridge and craft beer. Lindsay, fortunately you won't be about entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least

favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? E.T. E.T. I am terrified of that little tea bag i can't it just scares me and i've watched it recently and it just like when he's half dead and he's like a with the dog shit i was just like i can't i was willing him to die i don't when they're, oh, they're trying to catch him and stuff, I'm like, catch him, catch him, shoot it in the head.

Horrible thing. You're the only person that wanted him to die. He scared the shit out of me. If I found that in my shed or my garden, I would kick it into next door's garden. Do you think this comes from when you were younger, like the first time that you saw it? I imagine it must have.

But I don't really like films about space because when I think about it too much, I get overwhelmed and then I realise how insignificant I am. And I think that was all stemmed from E.T. Big... Oh! Just... They should

Oh Shut up That's Every Shut up E.T. That's all When he gets his Dirty little finger out

I just remember I remember watching E.T. And crying I remember watching it And being like Oh no Poor E.T. and crying. I remember watching it and being like, oh, no, poor E.T. Oh, no, when they took him off, I thought, good, goodbye. Don't you dare come back, you horrible little turd. He does look like a turd, just a shriveled turd.

It's so true. I used to say, if you turned his head upside down, he'd look like a weird pair of bowl bags. He would. Imagine if your face, your bowl bags had E.T.'s face on it. Do you remember seeing this when you were younger? Do you remember watching it? I remember it being on quite a lot because it was the late 80s.

But I was really little. And it's just always scared the shit out of me. I don't know why. If you're that young, then the music and everything is a bit like, it's a bit eerie, isn't it? It's a bit like, it's a bit weird, and it's a bit like hide behind the sofa kind of moment, I think. Oh, it's this horrible little voice.

And my nan talks like that now as well. I'm like oh no put the kettle on it'd just be like going to see your nan every time you put it on could be quite okay E.T. it's going to be your film choice and what's going to be

your song choice? This has got to have been picked, and I'd be surprised if it hasn't, but it's Sweet Caroline. I can't cope. Yes, okay, yeah, talk me through it. I just hate it. This is such a strange story. So my mum used to do karaoke DJing at a pub.

And I used to go with that to help her set up. And every week there was this one bloke who used to sing Sweet Caroline. And it was dreadful. But the bit when it goes, so good, so good. That is the bit that makes me want to punch my own tits off. I can't. I don't know what it is. It drives me mad and then when it came it became like a football anthem i was i was i was oh yeah that

came out of nowhere just rages me it's shit it's a shit so it's just it's overplayed and it's already been ruined for me but i drunk man every week in the pub oh yeah yeah and it was just it's overplayed and it's already been ruined for me that drunk man every week in the pub oh yeah yeah and it was just it's just the ad lib of so so good the adding of that bit yeah yeah yeah watching like football lads do it i what's interesting is that song was like it was nothing to me you might like hear it on the radio or or pop up every now and again on TV or whatever. And now it's become a part of like culture forever. That's it. Because I watch England football

and it's just, that's it. It's there. We're stuck with it now. But I haven't heard anyone be as affected as you from a young age. It was already instilled within you that you were going to hate that song. It's, it's, it's, it's, I would describe it as a basic bitch song for basic bitches.

And then when it became a football thing, I don't dislike football. I will watch, I will watch it. I don't dislike football. I will watch it. I don't necessarily... get what's happening. But I support football. Yeah, go football. You don't have to pretend. It's fine.

It's fine. You know you did such a good job just then. Yes, football's god erm good football but but when that song

became it's become part of like like you say like it's part of like British English culture and I don't

I don't even think it's an English song no it's not I'm fairly sure it's not Neil. I don't even think it's an English song. No, it's not. I'm fairly sure it's not. Neil Diamond, I think. He's like American. Also, what is it?

Who's Caroline? Why are we singing about her? It's true. Good times never been so good. What does that even mean? It's true. It's complete nonsense shit, really. It is actually like, it has no relevance to anything.

Hands touching hands. Reaching out. Touching me. Touching you. Touching you? Who's touching who? Don't you bloody touch me! Neil Diamond, you dirty old bastard.

Get off me. You dirty bastard. Poor Karen Howard it's just it's become overplayed and I don't think there's any real context behind it and the context it's in culture

I just don't get why it's become this anthem but the thing is with stuff like that, if we just stop talking about it and mention it, it'll go away. So maybe I shouldn't have said anything. You've really fired it up. Now I'll start a discussion. You get people singing it at you in the street.

Who am I kidding? And they all get slapped in the willy, all of them. I think a fine choice for the desert island. Thank you very much, Lindsay. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Badgers. Badgers.

They're just horrible animals. They're massive. I had a run-in with one once. How do I even start this story? I'd gone on a family holiday. This was... We were in Devon somewhere and I wanted a fag. So I said, I'm going for a walk down to the beach. And my husband said, I'll come with you.

But it was getting to dusk. So the sun's starting to set and we walked down to the beach. But before the beach, it's like this greenery. It's like moss, but like little holesery of like it's like moss but like little holes and so it's getting quite dark now but there's sheep on there this is insane but like you know when you're like i can't believe what i'm seeing i'm seeing some sheep but they look like ghosts so i was like i just want to have a cigarette and then come back in it's really dark now and then there was a rustling noise and a badger jumped out of the privet.

Whoa. And in that moment, my husband shoved me at the badger and ran off. So it was already really weird. And I just went you better not you better not

and he went back in the bush oh great thank god because I think they can be vicious right yeah they can be really horrible they're like big little tank dog things they're and obviously

they're just they've horrible and they're just horrible. And they're too big to move. You'd really be on edge all the time. Do you know what I mean? One could just jump out and attack. Yeah.

That's horrible. Have you seen one in real life? I've seen one in real life, but I was driving along a country lane, right? Where I live, there's a lot of country lanes. I was driving along a country lane, and one ran out in front of the car, and I slammed the brakes on, and it shot across the road pretty quick.

But I was so surprised. This thing was massive. It was so big. And I was like, it was like a dog, but like just an unruly dog. I just thought, that is crazy. I'd hate to be next to one. So the fact that you were thrown in front of one is pretty awful. He feels terrible. Does he?

But I bring it up all the time. Oh, that's great. That's good. Remember that time you threw me as a badger? He didn't really throw me. He kind of just used me as a momentum. As a shield shield to push off well there's an argument to say you would have done the same if you thought of it first right

oh 100 percent 100 percent i would definitely have done the same thing it's just my reactions weren't as quick as his. It was just a bit bizarre. I don't know where to expect to see a badger, but it's normally on a motorway squashed. Yeah, yeah. I don't know where... Why? Why is it there? I was so engrossed by these sheep in the distance.

Yeah. That I just... You don't ever think, is there a badger? It's living in a horrible little hole A little dirty hole somewhere in there Do you know what I mean? That's horrible Underground That's rank Lindsay, this has been a lot of fun

I've really enjoyed this It's been bizarre We'll have a lovely rest of the day. Thank you. If people have been listening to this and they'd like to see you live, great news for them. You're doing some live shows soon, right? And so there's one in Birmingham coming up and a few in London.

We've had this discussion. I can't remember the date. No, I'm going to pull the dates up right now. The 18th of November is the one in Birmingham. I'm doing my solo show, Pink Tinge. I think it's the 25th to the 27th. The 25th to the 27th of January. Ah, am I right?

Yes, you did. The Soho Theatre in London. London. I've sold about four tickets, I think, for that one. Hopefully after this you'll sell four more. Hooray! They'll all be badgers. it's up for that one so hopefully after this you'll sell four more things and and i would i would absolutely love to come down and see it if that's all right so um yeah just message me i'll sneak you in i'll speak you appreciate that thank you so much indy thank you so much also Bye. Bye.