Desert Island Dicks - LLOYD GRIFFITH

Episode Date: October 23, 2018

NEW PODCAST! My guest for this week is comedian, podcaster, goalkeeper and host of Soccer AM, Lloyd Griffith. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Forget the frustration of picking commerce platforms when you switch your business to Shopify, the global commerce platform that supercharges your selling wherever you sell. With Shopify, you'll harness the same intuitive features, trusted apps, and powerful analytics used by the world's leading brands.

Sign up today for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash tech, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash tech. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices.

Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert island dicks with us today is comedian and Soccer AM host Lloyd Griffith. Yes, you got it right. I did. You were so scared about putting an S on it.

I know. Even I can't speak now, putting an S on the end. I've been doing it all day, that's why. Have you? I mean, I'll bounce between, but I'm glad I got it right that time. Thanks for pointing it out. That is a big thing.

I did think about putting those people on the island, or not on the island, people that get my name wrong. Yeah. All the fucking time. Can we do a cancer workout? Yeah, yeah, you're fine. Griffiths, the amount of time it's Lloyd Griffiths.

I did a big festival this weekend, and name plastered wrong everywhere. Oh, written down as well? Yeah, on posters, yeah. Absolutely awful. were you getting introduced wrong on stage no usually it's fine

but people do you know I get it it sounds like you've got a lisp Griffith but I'm used to it and that is my name

I can't go changing it a friend of mine said oh you should change your name to Lloyd Griffith so that people I was like no and there's a lad

on Twitter bless him and he gets he gets all the tweets to see's a lad on Twitter, bless him. And he gets... He gets all your tweets to see. Yeah, he gets all the abuse. Bless him. Okay, Lloyd. Shall we dive in?

Who's going to be first? Oh, see, I was going to... Again, this is another thing. I listen to the podcast. Thank you. Since you asked me to come on. Thank you very much. But I've given you tips on how to grow it.

You have. We'll chat about that afterwards. Arrogant, isn't it? No, it's great. It's very arrogant. No, it's really... I've given you tips and how to get better at your job mate thanks for asking me on right mic drop see you later um you get into it so quickly i really like it do you like it yeah okay because kirsty also she does a nice little backstory like come on i just want to know what the first song is yes we don't give a shit about his dead dad you know like growing up in a mining

town in wales getting what's the first song? Yeah, I mean, it's all about you. And I think people are like, well, who's he going to pick? That's it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And was it your decision to go, I'm just going to go straight in? Yep.

Yeah. Do you think this is the longest it's ever been before someone said it? Yeah, and I'm starting to feel a bit nervous. You're doing this deliberately. Joe Sutherland is one went on a little bit long. It did. Yeah.

Well noticed. Thank you. So I do listen to it. Okay, ask me the question again. I'll go straight into it. Let's dive in. Who's going to be your first person? Well, the first person I'm going to throw in there,

all these are collective people. Okay, I love it. Not one specific person. Okay. Firstly, people that play pianos that are in public places. Yes. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, fuck off.

I absolutely does my head in. It's become a trend recently where I think local authorities slash train stations are putting pianos in public places. You see there's a few in London St Pancras. There's one in Brighton station. I mean, I'm surprised there's any ivory on that because it's been you every time I go past some pretentious prick.

And it's there, obviously, to make people happy. Yes. And I get that. It's, oh, let's put a piano... But, like, not everyone's a trained pianist. No. And I don't think that many trained pianists see a piano going,

oh, I'd love to have a count of that. Yes, please. It's only people that are shit, and I don't think that many trained pianists see a piano going, oh, I'd love to have a go at that. Yes, please. It's only people that are shit that play them and go on there and the people that go and play them and this is rich coming from a bloke who is a comedian who likes to spend most of my life in the spotlight

but they're just attention seekers. Yeah, definitely. And it does my head in. And I also, I've got a degree in music, which is obviously, I think there's a few people listening to this going,

you're on the island, Lloyd. You're an absolute prick. I've got a degree in music, so I've got a semblance of what music is when it's right. Right, yeah. And every time you go

past those pianos, I'm just like, oh, mate, that's awful. Yeah. The timing's out. I mean, you've not got that triplet correct, have you? That's a lazy habit that you haven't picked up because you couldn't be bothered

to stick with those piano lessons, which has resulted in you not being a professional pianist and a hobbyist. So I just think, I know that they are there to keep people happy, especially in a time when we're all fucking angry at the moment. Do you know what I mean? The country's more divided than ever.

Pianos ain't the solution. No, okay. I did a gig at Brighton six months ago now, and I got to Brighton Station to get a train back, maybe like 10, 10.30 on a Saturday night, and people obviously had been out on the source, and there was a, oh, my God, even now saying it, it makes me want to retch.

There was a congregational sing-along of Hey Jude oh no with some tosser leading it at one of these communal pianos

and I just think that why should we be happy at a train station the train's late we've paid over the fucking odds you should not be trying to make us station? The train's late, we've paid over the fucking odds. You should not be trying to make us feel happier.

We're angry. No, yeah. We're angry for, we've overpaid, we've overweighted and then some absolute knob having a midlife crisis decides to crack at Hey Jude.

And then the worst thing is he finished it and I did a little Instagram story going, I hope these people die. A bit harsh but I meant it and then

he started doing top loaded dancing oh no come on and I but the worst thing is he couldn't play and he was obviously pissed

but he just does my head in and I just think you don't want to spend time on an island with those those people would you no no the show offs

and I'm not sure if it's me going nah this island's only got room for one show off but they do my head in with those people, would you? No, no. The show-offs. And I'm not sure if it's me going, no, the signings only get written for one show-off. But they do my head in. When you see a piano in a public place, are you ever tempted? Absolutely not, no.

I was going to ask that. Obviously, you play piano, right? No, I can't. Oh, you can't? Maybe this is where it stems from. You talk like you can. Yeah, I know. Not bad. So I can't even pass my grade one piano. Okay. And talk like you can. Yeah, I know. What a knobhead. So I can't even pass

my grade one piano. Okay. And like, I've got, what, again, I've got a degree in music and I've got grade eight in singing and

saxophone and clarinet. There he is. Yeah. I mean, if it's a communal saxophone, mate, I'm fucking there. Get me own reeds out.

Yeah, definitely. I can't play the piano, no. And maybe that is a thing, you know, deep-rooted inside me. Yes. Even if, and in the last six months, I even put a midlife crisis post on Facebook saying, hi guys, looking to take up piano in the next, like, six months. Anyone recommend any teachers?

And a few people got into, oh, yeah, no, there's a girl that I went to university with she's a brilliant teacher, she teaches at the Royal Academy so I can do some lessons and I'm going to start doing them in the not too far distant future but at no point at no point will I be tempted

to go on a piano and what I might do is give my girlfriend a gun and just be like Just in case. Just in case. Just in case. You see me, even just like, magnetising towards a communal piano,

you get that gun out. Even if I haven't sat down at the stall that's chained to the piano, then just take a shot. But I just, I just, I don't know. How do you feel about other how do you feel about other street instrumentation do you feel like

what about like buskers that are doing guitar and fine fine with you they've gone to the effort of bringing that instrument out someone with the bagpipes

not a problem no not a problem the bagpipes generally give me a fear of being back in Edinburgh which is every comedian's worst nightmare

and so I don't mind the bagpipes i will take bagpipes but it's just the communal element that someone's gone it's the ideology behind it of going oh this will make britain happier it really won't but i know that some people do enjoy it and i get that but i guess that's the reason this this podcast did you see um did you see jeff goldblum a couple weeks ago he launched his jazz album in St. Pancras Station on a communal piano. Yeah, no, I've seen that.

Yeah. And that's fine. That's fine? Yeah, no, because I thought you were going to bring that up. And that is fine because that's a PR stunt. Yes. It's Jeff. He didn't want to do that.

No, it's true. Some person on a salary in an office has gone, I've got an idea. And he's gone, well, I do need to do publicity for it. And I'm too famous. And so he's gone, yeah, not an idea. And he's gone, well, I do need to do publicity for it. I'm too famous. So he's gone, yeah, not a problem. That's fine. Also, I think Roland, the keyboard brand,

they did some sort of activation in the same station a few years back. I remember looking at that and being like, you fucking bros. What are you doing I don't feel like I'm seeing these pianos as often as you are yeah maybe it's just

because I'm aware of them you must travel more though I guess you travel more yeah as a comedian you do go to a lot more train stations I think than the average ponter but yeah

even now I can tell you exactly where they are in St Pancras there's two in St Pancras yeah two by shot people are just going their own business, do you know what I mean?

And then there's fucking pianos there. What could they do instead? What could they have? Oh, I don't know. Stocks. Stocks and raw meat. That would cheer the nation up. That would, yeah.

If you want to go and play a communal piano, you'll be quite happily going to stocks, I reckon. Just get some raw veg, some raw meat, just absolutely launch it. That's great. I don't know, I just, yeah. I can see why someone's done it, but I'd love to speak to the person

that first put a communal piano in a thing. Just stop them. Go back in time and just stop them doing that first one. No piano in a thing. Just stop them. Yeah, just stop them. Go back in time and just stop them doing that first one. No, no, don't do that, mate. No, no. Think of the germs as well. I'm not OCD.

I like to sanitise every now and then. But if you have filth on that, geez. It's like holding the bar on the tube. Do you know what I mean? As soon as you've done that, you're just thinking, geez, do you know what I mean? I've stopped holding the handrail on the tube going up and down. Have you? Yeah, me too.

Sorry, no, sorry, I've stopped going on the tube. Okay. Nice piece, yeah. Anything else on public piano playing? Just if you're listening and you've played a public piano, stop listening. Because I don't think you're going to like the rest of the... Switch off now.

Switch off now. Okay. No, but if you have, right, and this is a call-out to your listeners, if you have played the... Switch off now. Switch off now. Okay. No, but if you have, right, and this is a call out to your listeners, if you have played the piano in a public area, sober, please tweet me. At me. At me, at Lloyd Griffith,

and tell me why. Okay. And what did you think you were going to get out of it? Yes. What did you get out of it? Yeah. And will you do it again? Time and place, please,

so we can't stop you. Then I'll block you. No, you i won't i'll never block anyone just mute yeah it's not this kind it's a kind blocking um okay great so public piano players who's going to be a second choice so um this actually happened on the way here i saw someone doing it um it's people that are on their phone yeah that use speakerphone instead of just like the normal phone to your head and lip, lips. They use the speakerphone function on the phone and just let everybody hear both sides of the conversation.

This also applies to FaceTime. Yes. Because with FaceTime, obviously, it activates a loudspeaker already. Headphones. I mean, they're not expensive. They're real expensive. They come with the phone. And this is a threefold coupling. Coupling? No, it isn't a coupling, is it?

A threefold trio, whatever. People that now will use voice notes, voice messages to speak to people, but also will listen back to them. I was in an itsu a few weeks back. I actually went earlier. I like it in there. And there was a person having a conversation with someone else, and they were just using voice notes. So she was like recording stuff, sending it to that person.

And then he was then sending voice notes back. So we were getting both sides of the conversation. And I just don't know why anyone would want to broadcast their conversation on any of those three different platforms. Yeah. Either speak phone, FaceTime or voice notes, because it's just like, what? I don't get it. I mean, the phone, FaceTime or voice notes, because it's just like, what? I don't get it.

I mean, the phone, people that make phones would have just got rid of, like, the little, they'd have just gone, right, yeah, it's a big phone, all around. I just don't, I don't get it. Why does it exist, yeah? Why do you do it? I guess, like, if you're in your house on your own, right, and you're having, and you're, like, doing something, and you're chatting to someone, that's fine.

Not a problem. Yeah. I often, when I'm on the phone to my girlfriend or my agent or mum or sister all females I will often

oh what are you doing this day I'll go on speakerphone when I'm in the house I'll have a look at the diary oh yeah check this out you know check that out but I will never do it in public

because I don't want to annoy people no it's annoying isn't it it's like the people that play music out the phone oh yeah check this out you know check that out but I would never do it in public because I don't want to annoy people no it's annoying isn't it it's like the people that play music out their phones yeah that I mean that is something that

I thought about that but I thought someone must have done that oh yeah that's been done yeah that has been done but like I think the speakerphone

and as well like the the sending the voice messages right that to me is like what is the point? Is it so you can think about what you're going to say back for longer? Do you know what I mean?

It's like, you might as well just get on the phone. My girlfriend sent me her voice note earlier, and I let her off because she's in Yorkshire at the moment. She's a writer, and she's writing her book, so she's gone to Yorkshire for six weeks. So I've got the house to myself for six weeks. Do you know what I did last night? I put on a face mask did you

yeah yeah you did I did I put on a face mask last night how was that really nice was it

honestly I've noticed a difference today you're glowing I am glowing I'm going to be honest you are glowing but I just thought

ten years ago if this was me I'd have been doing all sorts oh yeah I'm not going to go home tonight face mask

there's this thing when your girlfriend goes out it's just like I can't do everything I want to do like I can't give it enough time so I'm like

pulling tracky bottoms on whilst ordering a pizza whilst trying to find a film whilst putting something in the microwave you know it's all happening at once whilst getting the Xbox

controller out I've become tidier I think since she's gone because usually if it's a bit untidy, you can be like, oh, you've left that out. It's just me.

And I like to keep things tidy. But yeah, so she gave me a, she left a voice note. And the reason why, she was on a walk in the middle of the countryside, on her own. So I was like, well, that's fine, you're not disturbing anyone else. And I get that some people might not be able to

type or or you know use of their fingers and stuff yes and that is absolutely fine that is absolutely fine but if you're able-bodied yeah in an environment where there are people around and you've gone oh actually do you know what i'm gonna leave a voice note and i'm gonna listen to that without headphones i just don't why do you think your conversation's so important? Yes, very true, yeah. What, I mean... I don't like even speaking in public on the phones. I might go into a little corridor.

Keep it as quick as possible. Exactly. In and out. But, yeah, for that... So that annoys me. And I don't do much politics on stage when I do my stand-up. I've said recently,

I've gone, I will vote for the party in the next election who bans this. As, you know, if they go, look, these are our policies

and we will ban, like, if you are, if you use speakerphone in public, we'll arrest you. And I'll be like, yes.

I mean, they're in. Yeah. I mean, it'd be a bit gutted if it's UK. I mean, right, we're going to build a wall around England.

We're going to send everyone back. That is disgusting. But we're also going to ban... Oh, what? You're going to ban speakerphone? Yeah. Right, I'm in. Okay.

Sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. I did say I was in. I'm in for a penny. I'm in for a pound. But yeah, I just don't understand why people think that everyone else will want to listen to their conversation. Do you know what happened?

It happened quite a while ago. I was in the doctors, and there was a man on it, and I was giving him dirty looks because it was a pet peeve of mine, and he looked at me as if I was the fucking animal. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I wasn't wearing any clothes at the time. My bottom was bleeding, but... Yeah, just a note.

I was like, what are you doing? So they're the other people. Speak up only in public. Okay, all right, I'm with you. And who's going to be third choice? Third choice, a bit of a rogue one, but I've gone for it. Everybody, every single person on Twitter.

Everyone on Twitter? Yeah, everyone, including you, including me, including all my family and friends. Just get off? Yeah, fuck everyone. Including you. Including me. Including all my family and friends. Just get off it. It's true. Let's dissolve it. Yes. And I'm fully aware that people will lose jobs, but I will help in the repositioning of those

people. Okay. To other blue chip, blue chip? Not blue chip. It's all going so well. other jobs yeah um but i just think that twitter twitter's a absolute shit it is a nightmare it started off quite nice a little place where you can retweet jokes oh this is fun and now it has become a burning building oh it's a hellish nightmare it's an awful place yeah and i'm And I'm on it, and I tweet, you know, but I'm not standing up for myself. I mean, I will go on there narcissistically

and tweet what I think is funny. Oh, yeah. Or tweet, oh, if you think that's funny, come and see me on tour. And I just don't think that, no. I've got a compulsion. I just have to look at it. As soon as I'm sat down for any period of time,

I just have to have a look. Of course you do. Of course you do. When I'm writing a show, I'll delete Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, the apps. Well, actually, I don't have Facebook on anymore. Good. But I'll delete Instagram and Twitter

just to... Because I'll just reach for it. Oh, yeah. I'll always do it. Do you know what I mean? And you'll just keep going from... But I think Twitter... I think the fact that...

And I think Kanye West came out this week and was like... I think it was Kanye West, but came out and said there shouldn't be no measuring on Twitter. And I fully believe that. I think that a new platform should evolve whereby you just, you don't see how many people you're following, you don't see how many people you're following. You don't see how many people you're followed by. When you vocalise something,

you can't see what praise that gets in the way of retweets or likes or replies. You're just putting it out there. I'm not sure if that's good. I haven't really thought it through. No, no. It's starting to make sense to me. Because then I think we all are...

We judge, you know, that whole thing of going, oh, notification, two notifications. starting to make sense to me. Because then I think we all are, we judge, you know, like that whole thing of going, oh, notification, two notifications. Someone's retweeted me. You get that kind of, oh, great. But also, it's the other way around. And I just think that people on Twitter should be shut down. Yeah. I think we should all go back to basics, read books.

Oh, yeah. Magazines. Because we're all on there trying to show off I think totally yeah and I mean it's big business isn't it if someone's

getting a lot if someone can get thousands of retweets then like they're more attractive yeah to like

a brand I remember a few years I can't remember what it was now but I didn't get a job because I didn't have a blue tick

on Instagram what the hell and it made me die inside mainly because But I didn't get a job because I didn't have a blue tick on Instagram. What the hell? And it made me die inside. Mainly because it was a lot of money. But also the fact that we're now judged on things like that. And I just, you know, I think I'm saying just Twitter because I think I quite enjoy Instagram. I follow, I've got my own profile and I follow people.

But I also have a little other profile as well where I just follow cathedrals and fire engines. Do you? Yeah, yeah. And like clothes. Nice, yeah. Things that go, there's going to be no mixed messages there. I'm just looking at nice aesthetic things.

Nice. And things that make me happy. Yes. Whereas you go back on Twitter, it's, oh, you fat prick, Jermaine, out there you have an opinion. You're going, everyone's got an opinion, mate. It's so poison on Twitter, though, isn't it? It's awful.

And, you know, everything's kicking off at the moment. It doesn't matter. I mean, like, you've got friends. I've got a friend of mine who won't tweet about football anymore because he knows you'll get abuse. Yeah. It's a shame, isn't it?

It is, it is. So I think that Twitter is eating itself alive. And also, as well, like, people, you think you know people, then all of a sudden they'll start following very, oh, crikey, why are they following, oh, crikey, why are they, oh, right, they're racist. Yeah, okay.

Yet they still follow you and go, oh, no, I don't want that. You know, so I think it is a burning building that should be kind of like dealt with. Okay, I think you're right, yeah. Everyone on Twitter goes on. Yeah. Okay, it's going to be a busy island dealt with. Okay, I think you're right, yeah. Everyone on Twitter goes on. Yeah. Okay, it's going to be a busy island. You know what, I'm sorry. No, it's how it is.

It's your island. You didn't give me the rules, mate. No, I know. Okay, everyone on Twitter. Anything else about Twitter? Please follow me on Twitter, at Lo Griffith. Yeah.

I mean, obviously, this is just... It's fictional, isn't it? I know it is, yeah, of course. Please follow me. Instagram's a it's fictional isn't it I know it is yeah of course please follow me Instagram's a funny one isn't it I was at a pub the other day and

humblebrag yeah you know I'm just such a massive lad I was at a pub the other day what were you drinking I was watching lager I was watching some

three girls at the bar like taking pictures alright okay taking pictures of themselves and they looked like really studying the picture then redoing the picture

studying the picture and this went on for ages I was thinking are you having a night out or are you like staging a photo shoot do you know what I mean it's such a weird

yeah but I think you know to an extent you know I can be like that and you know I this what day is it it's a Monday

and I woke up this morning and I remember within an hour of me waking up and this isn't great for anyone really, probably more so me, I was like, what photo am I going to put on Instagram today?

That shouldn't be a thought that ever goes through anyone's mind that isn't working in PR for a brand. Even still, then it's like, so, you know, but there have been times

where I've retaken photos and go, oh no, I've got too many chins. I mean, that will never change. Oh, my hair's receding again. That's never going to change. Shit.

So I've become that person. What picture did you put up? Today, it was a picture of me going, yes, looking excited whilst playing in a football match. Nice. I just put Monday with two fists. Nice. And then in the background

there was a hoarding for Ginsters which was quite apt. That's great. So I just put hashtag Ginsters hashtag not an

ad. Great. Even saying that makes me want to cut myself. Please follow me on Instagram at Floyd Griffith.

Now with blue tick. If any brands are listening, Ginsters, if you're listening, straight in.

They should have seen that. Okay. Lloyd, thank you very much. Now, mercifully among the wreckages of the plane, there's some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

Kinsters. No, I'm just joking, if you're listening. Bananas. Food bananas? Yeah. No bananas? Cannot stand the little bricks. Wow.

I hate them. So, it's the only food I don't eat. Really? Yeah. I eat, as you can probably tell, a lot of stuff. Bananas are just one of the ones I can't do. What is it about them? Texture.

Texture. Smell. Look like dicks. I do look like dicks. No, I've never been able to I used to have a phrase when I was a kid called gore yak it

and I couldn't say don't like it so I said gore yak it which is fucking weird I'm becoming like therapy now my mum weirdly she used to be able to eat bananas

and then she gave birth to me and then hated them what? yeah so that's weird isn't it and I can't stand bananas either. I think it's just a number of things. I think I don't like the fact that they just dissolve too quickly.

Okay. You look at... I like avocado, but an avocado's got a bit of substance to it, which I mean. But... I was saying that

because I think that's the closest thing that you'd have. Texture, sort of, yeah. It mashes too easy. It does mash easy. It's like... It's like... And the smell, the smell, I'm not a fan of the smell.

And I've had it in my mouth, you know, like back in the day, and it just doesn't sit right. Yeah. When was the last time you tried it, do you reckon? Oh! Mate, we are going... Long time. Yeah, absolutely long time.

Weirdly, though, I can eat dried ones that are in fruit and fibre. Are you fine with it? do you reckon oh mate we are going long time yeah absolutely long time weirdly though I can eat dried ones that are in fruit and fibre you're fine with it not a problem can't eat the little banana sweets you know the little

two banana yeah the two pea banana things yeah can't have them banana milkshake no banoffee pie

no banana bread banana bread no anything with banana in apart from dried banana in front and favour which I have every morning I can't

I can't eat do you know what's really weird years years years ago I don't think my mum will be listening to this she'll be fine do you know what

she probably will yeah shout out to Diane she always listens to everything I put out yeah good on her years ago

and maybe turn off about now oh yeah actually if you're listening skip skip forward for like two minutes minute

minute it's not that quick a story kids about my sex life okay I was at university and I went back to a bedroom with a girl

and she brought out a condom and it was banana flavoured and I was like oh I can't and she's like what are you on about

I was like I can't I can't stand bananas she went yeah it's just a condom though you don't have to eat it I was like yeah I know how it works I've done it once before

but I was like I can't and she was like I think I've just got banana flavoured ones and I was like why she was like well it was just

I went to the shop and they were the only one and I was like you got banana flavoured ones. And I was like, why? She was like, well, it was just, I went to the shop and they were the only one. And I was like, you got banana flavoured condoms. And I had to walk to the shop, which was about five minutes away, to go and get normal flavoured, normal whatever they are, to get normal ones.

And I think it's fair to say the romance had been lost a little bit. Yeah. In that five minute walk to and from the co-op to get said condoms and she just thought

I was weird did she yeah she thought she was like why I don't get why I was like because I just can't stand bananas

like the smell and I was like that would have been on my penis you know and then I would have smelt it yeah smelt it and then the next day obviously anyway I was like, that would have been on my penis. And then I would have... Smelt it.

Yeah, smelt it. And then the next day, obviously... Anyway, so we actually went out for a little while, actually. Did you? Okay, so it was a success in the end. We had a little burning of the banana condom ceremony outside. Did you? In the back garden.

No, we didn't. We just gave them away. But yeah, so i just remember that being it was that extreme i was like oh i can't i can't deal with this yeah okay yeah that bad yeah that bad yeah man okay bananas how do you feel about tomatoes no problem mate you're into them absolutely fine love them have them everywhere i've got this theory that people that uh don't like bananas or tomatoes don't like the other one but it's wrong wrong. You've just quashed it there. That's it. Yeah. Are you basing that theory on anything?

Or is it just... Texture, I think. People don't like... No, you... No. Miles out. Oh, I've been so far out, mate. Okay.

They are so different. A tomato's got like a liquid inner. It's just... No. Bananas are solid. I know. The seeds in tomatoes... It's just come up a few times.

I don't think it has. I think you're just trying this theory. It has. No. No, no, no. I don't have time to make these things up. I want you to edit that out. Okay.

I don't want you. I don't want this aired. I'll edit that out and I'll just leave this bit here. Yeah. I'll just beep that bit. Okay, bananas. Imagine people going, fucking hell, what happened?

What controversial thing did he say that he realized on his own podcast he had to edit that out i think tomatoes are like bananas i've had to beat this podcast once before but i'll tell you all about it after you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now.

That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, so food is going to be bananas and what's going to be a drink? Whiskey. Yes, okay. My own fault. When I was 16 years old, it was the day of the FA Cup final between Manchester United and Newcastle United,

which I think ended 2-0 to Manchester United. I think it was Paul Scholes. I can't remember who scored the other goal. My mum went to work. It was a Saturday. Mum went to work, as she normally does. And then I had some friends round and we'd basically

been planning this for weeks we were going to get shit faced at the age of 16 and then go to the school disco and I said to mum

I was like oh mum I'm going to we're going to watch the football at mine ours mine and then we're going to go

play football in the park then go to the school disco mum was like okay alright but in the back of her mind she was going you're too vain

even though you're fat you're too vain even though you're fat you're too vain to go straight from the park to the disco you'll want to be you'll want to go home you want to douse yourself in dupe put your little tight button shirts on and she was right and basically what we'd planned is to to get leathered and i drank half a liter famous grouse whiskey which even now looking back and it's not me trying to show off I mean but I drank

half a litre throughout the day of famous grouse whiskey and it basically backfired mum

sussed me out she was like right she said to her my uncle Andrew she was like right there's something not sitting right

he wouldn't go straight from the park to the disco let's go and find him and then she went and drove round the park near my school, found me and my mate James Brining, Shriekant Bedutler and Noel Douglas in a bush, dragged me, I think, by my hair into the car,

went home, and then I was finally sick. And it was because I'd split up with a girl called Walia, one of my first girlfriends. My first girlfriend. Not one of my first girlfriends not one of my first girlfriends one of my first girlfriends I was like it's Walia

she's dumped me mum was like no wonder she's fucking dumped look at the state here it's the only time your mum's hit me wow only time your mum's hit me

is that bad yeah it was it was really really bad I was throwing up everywhere the next morning so I am a choir boy so I was I grew up as a choir boy

for like from the age of six to 18. I still am, so I sing at a place like Westminster Abbey in Windsor Castle. I still do it now. But at the time, I was a choral scholar in the same church that I grew up in. And I woke up at like nine o'clock and I was like, oh my God, I had to be there for ten. Mum was like, morning, breakfast is ready. I was like, oh, I don't feel much.

You're absolutely going to church. I was like, oh, please. She cut me a fry up that she made me eat the whole thing. My godfather used to drive me to church every Sunday morning. And mum was like, can you take the back roads? So he took all the windy back roads. He's like, I'm really sorry, your mum's making me do this. I was like, oh, for fuck's sake, Geoff.

You don't have to do it. I know. I was like, come on, mate. And then I got to church. And then the organist was like, oh, who was like come on mate um and then i got to church and then the organist was like oh um who was like the the boss he was like oh lord um can you turn pages in the organ loft right by the organ massive organ at the end of the i was like oh it's gonna be can harry do it he's like no you your mum's called me and she's asked me specifically for you to turn pages so she'd

then that morning gone right i'm gonna make this kid's life a living hell. So that was awful. And then we went to, every Sunday, we'd go to my auntie's house for a roast. That would always be a dinner. And like chicken, lamb, beef, whatever it was, or pork. And walked through the door, and I was like, that smells like curry.

And so they'd gone from a roast chicken to a chicken curry to basically try and make it the worst day possible for me. And after that, mum was like, right, you've done pretty well today, considering. She was like, this is the last thing and then we're going to leave it. I was like, what? And she brought out a tumbler of Jameson's whiskey. Oh! And I was like, what?

She's like, you need to drink that. That's what you deserve. And then I forgive you. I was like, mum, I'm 16, this is illegal. She went, do not even start on that. I was like, okay. So I had to drink this thing of Jameson's whiskey, which was the worst thing in the world. Went and threw up. And then since then, I've never ever been

able to drink whiskey. I used to work in pubs throughout my sixth form days and university days to fun going to university. So I i get a jd and coke i'll be like oh god yeah and it was just pouring even oh my god you know the optics yeah up above you i have to do it like at arm's length like jesus on the cross you're kind of like just oh just pop in the little jd in there and then like straight arm it to the bar to keep it away from my nose. And since then, I've just never been able to drink whiskey.

Oh, mate. It's evil. And it makes me wretch every time. But that's my own fault. Yes, you did it, yeah. But it is also Walia's fault. So if you're listening, Walia. Thank you.

It's kind of your fault. Big question. Did you make it to the school disco? I'm guessing not. Oh, school disco was cancelled. The caretaker got the key stuck in the door and it broke. And so,

fair play to me mum though because I would have got suspended from school if I'd have turned up shit-faced. Oh, drunk like you were, yeah? Oh, yeah, absolutely, yeah. Yeah. What about the other boys? Did they get in trouble?

Mum did the ringing around and called all the parents and was like, your sons. So I think they got a little bit told off, yeah. Did they, yeah. It was James Brydon that brought the famous grouse, so. Snitch. He's to blame.

Yeah, if his parents are listening. Okay, whiskey. I can't drink whiskey. You know why? It turns me into a monster. It does. Like, even a little bit of whisky I just start to get

really like fighty and angry my mate did that at uni Ken yeah Ken whenever Ken had whisky

he became because he's he's English and Scottish he's got Scottish parents he speaks English but when he's with his parents he speaks Scottish it's very weird

but whenever he drinks whisky he'd turn Scottish and then would get really aggressive really yeah quite posh Scottish but still you know and you look like Johnny Bravo and he was a big lad so you wouldn just get really aggressive really yeah quite posh Scottish but still and you looked like Johnny Bravo

and he was a big lad so you wouldn't mess with him but yeah it was fine angry anything else on whiskey before we put it on the island no just

it'll be there we'll own it it will but that's it end of days yeah thank you very much

fortunately for you you won't be without entertainment on the island the Plains Entertainment System continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favourite Yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much. Fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time,

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Least favourite film is a film called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. Yeah, what is this then? So it's, I think it was 2010 it was, because I had to Google it earlier. Okay. 2010, there's a film called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.

Now, I was doing a weekend of gigs in Nottingham with two comedians, one called Toby Williams, the other one called Milo McCabe. And we went out on the Friday night, and we got quite pissed. Then the next day, we were like, because we were gigging there, the comedy promoter,

we're like, oh, look, we get free tickets to the cinema, so you can go to the cinema during the Saturday. Because obviously there on a Friday and Saturday night there's a lot of dead time during the Saturday so it was quite a nice thing for them to do so oh we'll go and watch Drive

the Ryan Gosling film yeah yeah yeah so we'll go and watch that amazing I was like oh that'll be quite good gets there and it's sold out

or like it was too busy or like they wouldn't accept our voucher oh yeah because there's too many paying customers so we had to go and watch another film

and I don't like scary films and we there was this film called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark and we didn't really do that much research into it it was 18

and it was a horror and I was like oh fucking hell and Toby and Milo were like yeah fine love horror and I was just a bit

oh I don't think I want to do it and I went in and the trailer came on for Paranormal Activity I think 532 or whatever it's on and i shit myself just in the trailer of that and i held on to milo's arm he's like oh it left

i went oh god he went oh you're not joking like you were yeah i was genuinely quite jumpy then he's like fuck then the film came on don't be afraid of dark and it's not i don't think it's the scariest film i mean if we were to IMDb it now, have you got a... You imagine it's going to be pretty live. I don't think it's the greatest film that's ever existed. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.

It'll be there before me. On IMDb, it's got 5.6. On Rotten Tomatoes, it's got 59%. It's bad, yeah. Roger Ebert has given it 3.5 out of 4 which she seems quite that's quite high but so release date was uh october 2011 so it must have been 2011 and it's about a little girl a family that move into a new house um and i think it's that is that don't be afraid I think it is that is it a fan no maybe it's not maybe it's not

maybe maybe it's not that film oh I'm sure family fantasy thriller 2010 I'm sure

cast yeah yeah because there was a little Guillermo del Toro maybe it wasn't I think it is yeah no I think it is don no I think it is

don't be afraid of that basically it starts getting it's about I think it's about a girl a family that moved to a house and there's a basement and the girl keeps going down to the basement

and there's things down there right anyway oh god it's always a bloody basement isn't it I had to leave after 20 minutes I couldn't cope with it yeah

so I I took my coat with me i said to man i'm gonna have to go he's like are you being serious i can't deal with this and so i left and you know when you leave in and you can see people going oh that guy's that guy's that guy's gave me the coat oh he's leaving i was thinking yeah I'm gonna I've got all that judgement on my back maybe they think

I've got the wrong film maybe they think I'm shit scared of the film I am shit scared of the film so yeah I think yeah so that's why has it always been the case

that you hate scary films I think so yeah yeah do you remember what did it to you Cars 2 no I got no I honestly got no idea

I used to watch films when I used to stay at my auntie's house I remember watching a few films like Freddy Krueger, I think. Yeah, okay. Pretty full on. But yeah, scary films for whatever reason.

I don't need that in my life. No. I've got debts. That's quite scary enough. Yeah. Twitter exists. You know what I mean? You don't need scary films.

Exactly, yeah. I think with scary films now, it's not so much that they're actually scary. They just build up and they make you jump. That's it. It's the suspense and it's just like something jumps out at you every ten minutes. That is it, isn't it?

And I think it's like roller coasters. I don't... I can see the thrill of it. And someone... I can't remember who it was. Someone said if you go on a roller coaster or you do a bungee jump or you like scary films

there's obviously not enough excitement in your life that you're being pushed like that for that you know I go on stage and I get scared

from doing that and you know you're freelance you get scared from doing that you've got to do a tax return every year you know get scared from doing that so

but yeah scary films so for that reason because I was too scared to watch it that's going on the island okay all right possibly don't be afraid of the dark possibly don't be afraid of the dark um to be confirmed to be tbc okay and uh what's gonna be a song uh the song is a song by a band called magic okay and it's called rude Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm human too?

Right. Yeah. Now, you'll probably remember it from a few years back. I think it came out. I can't remember what year it came out. I think maybe like three or four years ago. I think so. And 2014, I think it came out.

I've seen just something like that now. You'll recognise it goes, Saturday morning, no, it's Saturday morning, jumped out it's, Saturday morning, jumps out of bed, I'm putting my best suit, got in my car,

and race like a jet, all the way to, and it goes, I'm going to marry you anyway. Oh, yes. Right, so the lyrics are, it goes, can I have the daughter

for the rest of your life? Say yes, say yes, because I need to know. You say, I'll never get your blessing till the day i die tough luck my friend but the answer is no why you got to be so rude don't you know i'm human too why you gotta be so rude i'm gonna marry her anyway so i remember listening to this on the

radio going this is a bloke going right i'm gonna ask a bloke i'm gonna ask a man for his daughter's hand in marriage and he says no and then you go well I'm gonna fucking marry her anyway mate yeah if that was me if I was the dad

I'd go I'll break your fucking legs mate yeah I'll tell you what you try it you won't be getting in that car mate

well it's gonna be fun at Christmas isn't it when you come round yeah do you know what I mean yeah it's like well no you won't be coming round it'll be dead at Christmas, isn't it, when you come round? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's like, well, no, he won't be coming round.

He'll be dead. Oh, yes, of course. He'll be dead. I just think the arrogance of it, it's a bit like Peter Andre. You know, it was a bit, you know, like when you can't sweat no more. Oh, yes, okay. It got a bit, you know, it's a bit like... So this is going... And I know it's an old-fashioned sentiment

to ask a father for the daughter's hand in marriage, but still, I think it's... Traditional. It's traditional. But to write a song about it... Yeah, yeah. The gloatiness of it, going, I hate to do this, but I'll leave you no choice.

I can't live without her. I'm just going to marry anyway. Marry that girl, no matter what you say. It's like... What? I got angry when it was out. Marry that girl, no matter what you say. It's like, I got angry when it was out. Every time it came on the radio, I was like, I just want to find out who this bloke is. Yeah.

And just, what the fuck? What is it? So, yes, that's why. Because I thought long and hard about songs. Because there's a lot of shit songs out there. Did you have a few in the running? Well, but the ones that were in the run in were just like cheesy songs

yeah oh they don't mean any harm do you know no fit of genre whereas this it's the pure arrogance of

basically saying can I marry your daughter well I'm gonna I'm gonna fucking marry her anyway mate I don't give a shit

and then writing a song about it and obviously it's all make believe I think it's make believe yeah so yeah I just... That is the song for me.

Okay, yeah. I'd say it was, yeah, a very average song, right? Thank you. It charted really high. It was played all the time. Yeah. Did you have to listen to it on absolute... It was on the radio.

Well, I don't know if they played it, but, like, it was on a lot. Ironically, it probably would have been on Magic Ironically, it probably would have been on Magic. It probably would have been on Magic. Or Heart. Also, what a shit name for a band. Just called Magic. Magic. Oh, that'll cause no problems whatsoever, mate.

Really easy to Google. Oh, what's the band you're going to see? Magic. Just Google Magic. Oh, yeah, it's not coming up. Obviously, it's not coming up, mate. Jesus. Jesus, I'm a fader. Yeah, what's your band called? The. What? It's called The. The what? No, it's not coming up. Obviously, it's not coming up, mate. Jesus. Jesus, I'm a faker. Yeah, what's your band called? The what? It's called The.

The what? No, it's just called The. Okay. So it's really pissed me off, though. Magic Rude is going to be your song choice. Awful song. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

One solitary magpie. Just one magpie? Yeah. Interesting. Okay. the animals which animal is it and why one solitary magpie just one magpie yeah interesting okay because i have to work at um i have to go to the offices at sky every every week yeah i do two or three days in there a week um for soccer am yeah and you're walking around then it's like a it's like a campus there's a lot of people on there and there's a I'm sure there's more than one I'm sure there's

more than one but you know you go the whole when you see a magpie you either salute a magpie or it's like

one for sorrow two for joy three for a girl four for a boy five for silver six for gold seven for a secret seven for a secret

never to be told I only ever see one and it really pisses me off it's just constant sorrow they're never in there's never two of them. Yeah.

Everywhere, and I always go, one for, because I don't believe in it if it's just one. If it's two, I'll go, oh, two for joy,

great, you know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like three for boy, okay, I'm going to meet a mate, four for, oh,

you know, like, three for, oh yeah, whatever it is. So I always think, oh yeah, but if it's one,

I'm like, oh, that is, but just imagine being on a desert island with the biggest pricks in the world and then the only thing that is there is just one solitary magpie that just makes you all go, oh, I've already got enough bad luck, hasn't it? Oh, my God, yeah.

Because it's... I don't... I don't think I am superstitious, but when I see magpies, I'm like, if there's two, yeah. But then one, I get a little bit angry. Yes, of course, yeah. Has anyone come up with that before? Interestingly, it was in last week's podcast. Oh, no way! Magpie? It did.

Fuck, who was last week? A guy called Matt Adlington. He's a prick isn't he? Put him on the island. Have you already released it? No. Yeah, put this one out first. Edit that out. Oh, Matt. No, that's fine. No, it's good.

He had a different take. What was his take? His was like, what do you do when you get to eight? What was I doing? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

What do I do? Go back again? Is it? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. What do you do when you get to eight? Well, it's a swarm, isn't it?

Yeah. They're trying to kill you. So one solitary magpie? One solitary magpie. Okay, and possibly a bonus Matt Adlington. Yeah, possibly Matt Adlington. Yeah. Tied to the magpie.

Lloyd, thank you so much for coming in. Thank you for having me. It's been an absolute pleasure. Honestly, and I'm sure people have said this before, it's felt a little bit like therapy. Yeah, people do say that. You leave feeling a little bit... Because I was worried about going,

oh, I want Katie Hopkins. Yeah, I know, yeah. And Sally Robinson. Oh, yeah. You know. Low-hanging fruit, though, isn't it? It is low-hanging fruit, but also, like, I... It might not sound it, but I own...

Like, when I do stand-up and stuff, I only really want to be happy yes that's why I want Twitter to go yeah so I just so I just felt bad

but then when you said can you come on I was like well obviously yes I mean there are dicks out there the first as soon as you said that

I was like pianos did you just think it straight away pianos because I've got a bit of my new show, hopefully. Yeah.

I've got a nice to cut about that. No, definitely. They need to fuck off. So, talk about your new show. Oh, so, I mean, I'm going on tour next year. I'm still writing the show. So, not on tour until February next year. The show's called All Rounder.

Going all around the UK. Starts in Edinburgh on last week of January and finishes in Reading I think in April and when can people buy tickets? yeah it's on sale now

yeah amazing so it's lloydgriffith.com yeah and you can follow me on all the socials if Twitter hasn't

already been deleted because of you taking everyone to an island imagine if Jack from Twitter... Is it Jack who owns Twitter? I don't know.

Imagine if he listens to this and goes, do you know what, mate? You're right. You're right. He's just got one big... Which is the big red button. The big red delete button. So, yeah, but I'm on tour next year.

I'm actually doing two material nights, two new material nights tonight, just trying to scope out some new stuff. Nice. It's fun writing it, but it's terrifying terrifying yeah okay i'll bet yeah you should i think no no london dates yet but they'll be put on sale soon you need six weeks away from social media in york there'll just be a posh girl speaking into her voice notes every time i go for a little walk oh it's me it's my girlfriend yeah um and people can see you every Saturday morning

yeah every Saturday morning if you've got Sky but I'm sure you can find it otherwise not that I'm encouraging that but that's how I used to watch it growing up

yes we're on Soccer AM every Sunday when will this go out this week or next week in the next couple weeks yeah

yes we've got people like Wolf Alice on Connor Cody we've got some yeah we've got people like wolf alison connor cody uh we've got some yeah we've got some good bands coming up and good guests amazing um yeah uh every every saturday morning and the goalkeeping podcast oh yeah if you i mean if you're into football um i've got a goalkeeping podcast with david priest called the number one podcast and we talk about goalkeeping and so we look at what's happened in the week any goalkeeping clangers any

like D's and saves the ins and outs and stuff like that so if you're quite if you're like a nerdy I mean it's such a niche podcast

it's almost like we don't want listeners so yeah we have fun on that and that's out sporadically okay cool it's on iTunes

you can like Google it get it on your favourite podcasting app well thank you so much for coming in Lloyd thanks for having me cheers mate um sporadically okay cool it's on iTunes you can like google it get it on your favourite podcast and Apple thank you so much for coming in thanks for having me cheers

cheers mate