Desert Island Dicks - LORNA ROSE TREEN

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Comedian Lorna Rose Treen joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks and this is an episode of Desert Island Dicks and I'm trying to sound excited and enthusiastic because often when I do these intros I realise my voice comes out sounding very boring and people think I'm drunk or stoned or pretending to be drunk or stoned. I'm neither, I'm just boring. This episode features Lorna Rose Treen. I recorded this bloody ages ago and I don't know why I haven't put it out yet but it seems like a good time to put it out because she's just been having a show at Edinburgh which has been getting hugely brilliant reviews and she's also won joke of the Edinburgh fringe um so yeah she's got a lot of press recently so it seemed like well hey

why don't we put out the bloody episode we recorded with her? Hey, I've got some exciting news for you as well before we get started. We can now officially announce that we have a guest for the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival on the 2nd of November in Balham, South East London. And our guest is the very, very wonderful Jenny Eclair. That's right, Jenny Eclair, you've seen her on all kinds of things, most recently on the latest series of Taskmaster where she was brilliant. I think it might be my favourite series of Taskmaster ever in fact, it was such a good collection of people. yeah jenny eclair was great on that she's great in lots of things and i know for a fact that she's going to be great at compiling a list of people

and things she would hate to be stuck on a desert island with so go to cheerfulearful.co.uk to get your ticket it only costs eight pounds i mean what costs eight pounds you live in london that's just like a pint and maybe some crisps so yeah go and get your tickets cheerfully.co.uk it's on the 2nd of november which i believe is a thursday it's in balham at the lovely bedford pub in southeast london and uh that's it i'm very excited so apologies if i've given you all the information multiple times in different orders, but I want to see you there, so that's why I'm telling you. Right, that's enough out of me. Let's get on with the mother-flipping show, shall we?

It's Lorna Rose T welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today Is award winning comedian, writer and actor Lorna Rose Treen How are you doing? Hello, I'm really good thank you

How are you? I'm fine, yeah I was just saying to you before we started recording I made a mistake of looking at the news before we spoke So that was a stupid idea But otherwise I'm fine So you're miserable, yeah I'm okay, I feel like miserable yeah I'm okay I feel like

every day I wake up I'm more tired I'm getting over an illness to be fair but I thought I'd get more full of beans but I'm just losing rapidly losing beans I don't know where all the beans are going. Just sort of yeah just falling out of you and you wake up and see all the beans like in the bed where you've got up bed covered in beans yeah yeah well look don't worry otherwise i'm good good well i mean i think we're gonna hopefully exercise some of our demons through the process of having a little light-hearted rant about the people and things that you'd hate to be stuck on an island with does that sound all right to you are you feeling in a in a in a ranty mood yeah I'm in a hateful mood perfect okay well this is this is wonderful so that'll be that'll be perfect do you see yourself as someone who who likes a bit

of a rant in general I think I've actually struggled with this because I'm not a very I'm a really good person uh no I'm not a very negative person like I don't I don't I'm a really good person. No, I'm not a very negative person. I know a lot of stand-ups write from what makes them angry, but my stuff is so stupid and surreal. I don't really come from that place, so I found it quite difficult to think about who I hate and bring that negativity into the world. But when I got going, I couldn't stop. I had maybe a short list of about six that I've whittled down.

Um, I didn't, yeah, I didn't realize I was so full of hate. Well, I hope that after this, you'll sort of feel cleansed of the hate and it won't just turn your character into an angry person and ruin everything. Um,

if it does, all I can say is I'm sorry um and please don't sue us but uh hey look let's let's get into it who's going to be the first person joining you on the island okay so the first person that i would absolutely hate to be stuck on an island with is my school bully from year i'd say she was prolific years six to to serve to no to eight give her credit she did she did you know eek into you right um her name's ellen i have changed her name to protect her um even though she does not need protection um and her name's actually alan yes alan her name was alan um but she she is possibly the worst person i don't want to see her again i like in real life let alone be stuck with her for you know i feel like if i saw her in a bar I would make means to leave the bar so I can't imagine staying with her for longer than

about 20 seconds the time that it takes me to leave leave a place she was like she but she wasn't like you know I think as far as bullying went she was more like a psychological torturer like she I remember one time she and it was just like little things she didn't like beat me up or anything it's not that it's not too tragic um but she i remember on bibo did you have bibo are you a b were you a b-boy uh no i think it's passed me passed me by okay i am incredibly young so it it might not have crossed you on Bebo there was a thing that was like okay this is gonna sound absolutely nuts if you if you don't know Bebo so bear with but there's a thing where you have a bio and you kind of like cast your friends as family members

and you have like so you'll be like Daniel is my is my brother uh Lorna is my mum. And I went on her Bebo profile one day in year six, just browsing Bebo. And I clicked on her profile and it said, it was like, best friend is Abigail. My mum is Lisa. My auntie is Lucy. and my camel is Lorna. Again, I don't really know this girl at all. And we are what, like 11 years old? Yeah. And, and like, that was like, I remember sitting there and I remember sitting there and looking at it and just thinking, like, I'm not going to rise to this. I'm going to pretend I didn't see this I'm going to bottle this down deep within me and then in a

few years time I'm going to go on a podcast where I can call her a dick and make up for it yeah that's a sensible sensible way of dealing with it I think like I was thinking about this the other day like if you imagine people that you hated at school, like, now they can still seem intimidating or scary, even though what you're thinking of is, like, a young child. But it's really weird sort of still having that feeling. Like, in your memory, it's really hard to kind of imagine them like, oh, it's okay now because I'm a grown-up and you're just a silly child in my mind.

Do you know what I mean? They still have that power don't they yeah I mean yeah you're so right like I'm okay if I was stuck on the island with her the age she was when she bullied me I actually think that would be quite therapeutic because I could you know teach her a lesson actually that sounds like we're gonna beat her up I wouldn't beat her up I wouldn't beat child her up but i you could beat her up or do i want to beat her up and then spend the rest of my time on my island no i don't think i don't know i know what you mean like i i have a lot of loathing for a child rather than like this adult who exists in the world i mean maybe she's fine now she's probably fine i think it's weird isn't it because if if she was like if you saw her i don't know what's worse like if she's still a real dick

or if she's kind of all like pretends everything's fine and like oh that was such a long time ago who cares kind of thing what you want you want a lot of uh contrition don't you and just someone to be like oh i'm so sorry i was such an awful prick back then yeah i mean i'm quite petty i actually i'm not too sure if she'd recognize me i don't i don't even think she'd remember what her camel comment i don't even think she'd maybe she'd vaguely be like oh that's lorna but i don't think she's she was a twin as well uh twins are inherently identical as well i've actually no that's okay i'm generalizing i know some really nice identical twins not all twins but there was oh yeah and then when we were in sixth form we went to different schools yeah see we went to

different schools after middle school so like i don't i don't think she, maybe I didn't even make an imprint on her mind. I don't know. But in high school, she then started dating my ex-boyfriend. And I remember feeling pretty mighty about that because she had my sloppy seconds. So that was, you know, I felt like I got some sort of revenge,

but this is more cathartic. Yeah. And I mean, was her twin twin was she like the evil twin or how was the other one was the other one kind of more easygoing bland i think it's a lie when they're like evil twin good twin it's like one has a personality the other one's bland that's not true about the twins i know now they're really nice like bullies are such dicks and i think it's just such a annoying thing where like like if you're stuck with her on a desert island as a child she'd still just be a child so it'd be quite hard to sort of explain that like for her to empathize fully because that's the problem with them isn't it they sort of lack proper empathy

so that's why kids can be such complete pricks sometimes so if you're stuck with her as a kid you can sort of really explain that her sometimes. So if you're stuck with her as a kid, you can sort of really explain that her actions were damaging. If you're stuck with her as a grown up, then it's just it's worse because she's a grown up then. So if she's still a bit of a bully, then you've got a grown up bully. And, you know. Yeah. And I just doubt she's like she lives a very different life to me. I doubt we'd have much to talk about if she was an adult. And then if she was a child, then I'd have to look after her.

And I think that that would be a punishment, an absolute punishment for me. Yeah. Having to look after your childhood bully as a grownup, like, cause you would just see them as the same person. I don't think you'd be like, Oh,

I see now you were just a child. You'd be like, you fucking bitch. Like, yeah. person I don't think you'd be like oh I see now you were just a child you'd be like you fucking bitch like yeah um so I think it's a very good first choice so yeah being stuck with your school bully is a is an awful awful person to be stuck with and uh okay who's going to join them then who's going to be the second person okay this one is controversial and I understand that but I my second choice is Raven from the 2002 CBBC show Raven so James McKenzie nothing not the like not the actor like the actor in character of Raven did you watch Raven on CBBC no because I'm quite a bit older than you so I mean I was

I started university around that time so I was actually nearly finished university around that time but um I mean to be fair though as a student I did watch quite a lot of kids telly so but it's very similar for people of a similar vintage to me it's like I suppose it's the modern equivalent of something like uh there was a program called nightmare that we used to watch which is similar like you know you have a mystical figure and some kids trying to complete Crystal Maze style challenges while a kind of. Yeah, I've heard tell of Nightmare. Yeah. So it's a similar vibe. You know, and he's going, well, young man, let's see how you how your fortune awaits you in this quest.

And they sort of speak in riddles and that kind of thing. That's the sort of vibe, isn't it? Does he like lord over? He's kind of completely in control and doesn't tell you what's going on and then makes you run around. Yeah, it was a bit like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, similar vibes.

I basically just think that it would be it would get old really quick i also i like the idea of challenges especially if you're stuck on an island there's something to do uh rather than just sit and chat like like that's that's nice but it would be exhausting and i hate the idea of constantly not having the upper hand like over my like living space if i had to like live like with him basically as a flatmate and then he's always you know making me get get into like soft padded armor suits and fight things and climb and and he always used to make them run from place to place for no reason and then also he can turn into a bird which would be really i think i'd be so jealous it's so it's he's so much yeah i think

it would be really difficult just having just someone who stays in character as a sort of vaguely medieval wizard slash spirit thing that you know that's occasionally a crow um although he'll probably get really angry if you call him a crow and not raven yeah just never being switched off would be very tiring when you'd sort of just go right we need to collect wood build a shelter find some fish and they're just kind of speaking in sort of old timey english that's not even you know they're just an approximation of what they think it would have sounded like if they were living a very long time ago yeah and it's a bit like like there's that element of like squid games to it where like if you fail a task you you die and you'd like disappear and that jeopardy would be so stressful on an otherwise quite peaceful island.

Yeah, because what if he got really into it and actually did go a bit mad? Exactly. Yeah, and, like, did actually kill you if you failed the mission. It's like, oh, this is the Battle Royale style thing that you always wanted on children's bbc isn't it it's it's kind of being stuck on an island with like a all-powerful deity but you are like incredibly weak it's like an extended metaphor for how we are on the earth as human beings i think i would want distraction rather than constant confrontation with my mortality on holiday at least you know i know i've crash landed on a plane yes but i'm gonna make the

most of it because i'm an optimist but make the best of it though yeah yeah i just think it would be it would get as you say it would get old so quickly it's almost like you can imagine one day kind of finding him just weeping on his own by a rock and like oh raven are you all right mate and then him kind of getting ashamed of it like going back into character and yeah and just you know that weird weird double life that you occasionally walk in on but he doesn't want you to see just i think it's even worse if he did open up those floodgates and then i had to do a lot of like you know therapy for him i don't want to be the one to like work out why he feels like he needs to turn into a raven why he feels like he needs to set children challenges why he why he feels like he has to be in a position of power all the time I don't want

to do that psychotherapy that's not that's not on me no no nor should it be I mean you've already got to deal with your relationship with your school bully which I think is quite enough to be getting along with without counseling a man who turns into a bird now and again. Exactly. Yeah. I suppose the good thing is if you had your school bully there, you could get him to set her endless challenges until she's exhausted. So maybe that would be a good thing.

But I just think even that it's not really worth the extra baggage he's bringing. That would be good, actually. Let's see who's the third person who's going to round out this triangle of dicks. Okay, so the third person that I would hate to be stuck on an island with is the man who I imagine is in my house when I spook myself at night time. When I'm lying in bed, I keep doing this one, because I've hung my washing up, because I wash my clothes and dry them like a human being um regularly thank you very much quite often I have like t-shirts hanging on radiators and then the way that they're positioned I will see a man

because it's in the shape of a man you know if you look at it in the wrong light in the shadows yeah I also I live on a really busy high street and this doesn't help i live in i live in a property guardianship so i live in an office and uh our our window is a one-way mirror so we can see out during the daytime and no one can see in they see a mirror but then during the night time it switches so we can't see out but they can see in um so there's a lot of window stuff happening where i i keep thinking i see someone and i don't know if they're looking at me or if i'm if i if i'm looking do you know yeah yeah yeah just weird weird glazing tricks yeah so that guy i think would be the possibly the worst person to be stuck with because you also like well first of all it's terrifying uh secondly you can't have a full

conversation with him because he's always disappearing uh he's like he's not actually there and thirdly i i don't he's always there when i'm terrified. I don't know what he wants. And the idea of being stuck on an island with someone that you can never work out what they're coming for, which I can only presume is to hurt me, would be horrid. Yeah. And so we can assume that it's not the actual guy in that you're going to be able to suddenly see him and sit down with him now and again.

It's just the the sort of you're still going to just have that occasional fleeting glance of something that is him yeah i think fleeting shadow it's the last thing you want in an island it's like if you're sort of in the countryside or something and you suddenly just hear something in the bush and you're like well it's probably a rabbit or a bird or something but you just kind of think oh my god what the hell is that thing next to me? You know, so you just have a lot of that anyway, being on a desert island. Plus, sometimes it might be the bad guy. It might be the man.

Also, I wonder if it would get old and like it would stop being scary, but it would be consistently frustrating. I think it's one of those things like these reactions are so inbuilt into us it's not like you can suddenly just go oh it's okay it's that palm tree it always flickers like that and makes me think there's someone there like your body will always just have the same response i work in a radio station and um lots of the studios there have like for soundproofing they'll have lots of layers of glass in the windows but sometimes that means you get really weird reflections that it looks like you'll see your reflection in one studio

but it's reflected through lots of panes of glass so it looks like you're standing in a studio that's like the next room so if you're there at night sometimes you could really freak yourself out because you're like oh my god there's someone standing in there oh it's me right yes okay but it's not enough to sort of stop it happening again and again even though it's like i know it's me the fucking ghost who looks like me wearing the same clothes as i'm wearing it's obviously not fucking a ghost but yeah your brain just goes every time it's just really annoying sometimes when i really cave I'll turn the light on and just double check that it is a dressing gown on the back of the door. You're already going to have a heightened sort of nervous reaction

to being there with your school bully. And probably, you know, with Raven as well, because you might be really hyped up for the next challenge he's got you going on. And then imagine if you're balancing along some beam over water that he tells you is infested with crocodiles you're trying to do that whilst your bully's looking at you and you're trying not to let them you know freak you out and then jump scare guy just just out the corner of your eye he's there or is he but you can't you know it's just it's just too much it's very tense this island very tense yeah i feel really stressed out now and it's it's really early in the morning this is genuinely sounding like my worst nightmare

okay well look i'm gonna distract you slightly we're gonna move on to a different topic now because you've got the people so we're done with them now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, food is sand. That's a bad food. Why? Because it is the most inedible thing possible to eat.

And I found out the hard way when I was i think i must have been about seven no younger than that maybe like four my sister on the beach said she went she went sand fight and i turned around mouth wide open you know gunning for a good good game, a good old knees up, loving the sport, and my mouth was so wide open that she just threw a ball of sand into my mouth. It's just like when you asked me to pick my least favourite food, my instant reaction was the texture and consistency, suppose of sand. Yeah I mean it would be a difficult one to live with if that was your only food like you see it sometimes with animals don't you and like nature programs like I think crabs are one of those things that just eat sand and fishes out the

bits in between and then poops out the sand and just think it's no life is it i refuse to believe there are bits in the sand i think once something becomes part of the sand it's then sand like when i like when you you're on a beach and then you drop like an ice cream or you drop like a sandwich or anything and then it gets sandy that's that item ruined that item might as well be sand to be honest if i opened up that food compartment on the plane in the wreckage and it was like like my favorite food say raspberries but they were covered in sand that's that's as good as sand in my head yeah yeah so i mean would we could just say that everything is covered in sand. And then it's weird because even the finest,

finest most sort of powdery sand in the world is like, once it's in your mouth, it feels massive, doesn't it? It's like these big kind of huge bits and you can never find it to get it out of your mouth. It's just there. It's like, you know, like glitter. It's so hard to take off your face if you get it on there. Even if it looks like you're getting it right,

you know, pinching it right in the right place, but it never comes off. So yeah, liberal dusting of sand on everything. Or like an awful person at a party who you know is in the room. And even if you try and pretend that they're like there was oh there was this person at uni who just would ruin everything and if they were in a room everyone would know that they were there and they'd get on carry on with the party

but then there'd be this like molecule of sand constantly there that you'd have to include and everything and they were a really bad person yeah that that's that's sand and also we're on an island right so i'm imagining there's tons of sand as well how annoying would that be if you're on this island with all the sand you could want in the world you go into the wreckage of the plane and you're like ah a food parcel you open it up and it's more sand because it's plain food you keep opening separate little containers hoping that maybe one of them is not sand but each of them is is again sand yeah it's that's a a fucking dreadful dreadful thing to have to eat so yeah okay well you obviously need something to wash that down with what's your drink choice going to be to get rid of all the sand in your mouth?

Coffee. Coffee, okay, right. Coffee is, I was going to say that I, for the record, I absolutely love coffee and I'm addicted to it. And I'm actually currently, for the past two days, because I've been a bit sick sick I'm off coffee and it's ruining my life um so it did hurt to to say coffee as my least favorite drink but I can't imagine anything worse than if you're incredibly dehydrated than consistently only being able to have hot coffee to drink yeah and also given your choice of people on the island i think the last thing you need is extra kind of like to feel a bit more tense and jittery yeah i i mean it would just finish me off wouldn't it definitely definitely it's like um because the thing is even if you're

like right i mustn't have too many coffees again today because i'm on an island full of the people i hate the most in the world but you'd be so bored you just go oh fuck it I'm I'm just gonna have a I'm just gonna have a coffee because it's something to do it's like when you don't really smoke but you start a new job and there's nothing to do and you end up smoking again because you're like well it gives me a chance to stand somewhere else for a bit so I might as well you know I think it'd be really hard not to just get into it again yeah and like same with smoking drinking coffee is cool right you look cool when you drink coffee you look cool when you smoke like we can all admit it the people that smoke look cool but there's no point in

looking cool if you're the only one on the island well also the only one that you know you're not gonna be able to impress your your bully and're not going to be able to impress your bully and you're not going to be able to impress Raven because he is a fleeting bird and also the man who's in my house at night is, you know, a spirit. You can't look cool. He's beyond impressing. He's just, I don't know what his agenda is,

but I mean, I don't think he cares. That'sing he's just i don't know what his agenda is but i mean i don't think he cares that's what's so scary isn't it and the coffee and coffee as well is i think i i it makes me hyper focus and that is incredible for doing work but i'm not doing work on this island i'll be so focused and like have all of this energy but then also nothing really to do apart from possibly some challenges yeah yeah i don't think you need i mean there's focus for sort of building a shelter and catching fish but it's not like you're going to be short on time it's not like oh i've only got my lunch break to catch these fish and build a shelter it's like you've kind of got all the time to do

it so i don't think you need that much focus i think i'd actually use it as a time to like wean myself off coffee yeah maybe i mean it would depend i guess but then you're gonna end up eating more sand to deal with getting rid of the coffee and it's a vicious circle i think it's horrible for the mouth imagine that in your mouth sand and coffee. And also, like, you can't brush your teeth after having coffee, so you've got coffee, sand, breath. Hmm. But I'm going to distract you now from these things because, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island.

The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why so my least favorite song to be stuck with for for clarity because because in other situations maybe it would be the most perfect song is the 2010 hit by example called kickstarts um it's it is i mean i i'm sensing a theme with what i've got it is incredibly high energy it is really it's kind of got like an endless beat um the lyrics although inspired are very very surface level it's the song that we like used

to listen to like prior to being able to like go out out so it was like that at plays like a lot of house parties and taken incredibly seriously while we all like kind of bounced all over the place and you know had our first kisses it's it's so gross it's a really gross song just in like in in vibes um and just just generally makes it reminds me of being like a really awkward teenager and uh it's incredibly monotonous and I think it would give me a migraine. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be stuck anywhere with this song. It's very sort of like Black Eyed Peas, you know, that like tonight's going to be a good night song. And although sort of it's just it's the sort of thing you hear like from a distance blaring out of like a fairground or something or like, don't know it's just just really that's very generous to i think that's generous to example to compare it to black code fees and even to

fairgrounds i don't know it's just it's like i don't know it just feels like it should be in the montage of like some kind of wacky local road show it's like okay we're down here on the seafront today a lot of you going mad look at them enjoying the foam party there let's have a cheer and that's the song in the background you know it's yeah it's that kind of energy isn't it i just i hate it the there's the story in it is so pathetic it it's it's it's basically like you know she's not treating him very well he's not treating her very well but oh dear they're in love and it's like it's just so nothing i once we went to we drove to wales on um in in december for like uh like a like a trip we go away for New Year quite often

me and my friends and we decided to listen to only 2010 bangers on the drive there because one of my friends just has never heard any music and he has like zero excuse he just the only songs

that he knows are like a couple of folk songs and cliff richard really strange i don't know how that's happened um and he had he had so he had no idea about this music that was quite fundamental in the rest of our our lives growing up um but we we got stuck on a on a kickstarts loop and listened to it about 10 times in a row because we thought it was so funny to continuously listen to it and it it really did me in and now i i actually can't listen to it again i don't think i could listen to the whole thing once i mean having having a little mini marathon i think is very impressive it shows excellent resolve from you which i think will very impressive it shows excellent resolve from you

which i think will be handy on the desert island thank you i think it's weird that i've the idea that it has lyrics and a story is very weird to me because i've only ever heard it on in the background of places i've never given it any thought at all and so like i just assumed it would be kind of a generic hey we're gonna have a great night let's all go out party's jumping that kind of thing but it's actually supposed to be about a relationship you're like you've picked the wrong instrumental for your your message there i think if you're talking about a relationship breaking down that's that's the wrong you've got the wrong template surely yeah i mean it's got it's got the phrase start

to think it could be fizzling out in it the use of the word fizzling which within what is essentially like a club banger it's so funny to include the word fizzling yeah it's so it's actually quite cute i suppose you are right it almost reads like a like a folk song I just wonder if maybe he'd written it and then it had a different or didn't have an instrumental he'd just written the lyrics and then some of the record company was like do you know what example you're doing all right but what you really need is to like you just need one solid club banger that will get you in the charts for ages and be big this summer let's do something like this look i've got this guy writing instrumental it's not quite right but

just i think we can make it work and he's gone oh okay i guess so yeah that is i think that it could be possible it does read a bit like a poem there's a there's a bit as well in the in the bridge where there is a bridge um because it's musically advanced uh where it it uh he says it's the same old you it's the same old me you get bored and i get cold feet you get high you get wandering eyes forget i never had it so sweet i realize what i got when i'm out of town because deep down you're my girl in a golden crown my princess and i don't want to let you down no i don't want to let you down down down down the like sheer lack of like filler words he's taken out so it fits the rhythm of the rap really reads to me that he wrote this first

and then somebody came along and well he maybe yeah he was paired with a tune yeah i think so i think there's definitely like some shoehorning in there where they've just gone well we need something to release you you're not doing that well so we're gonna make you put this out and and you better bloody look like you're enjoying it at the radio one road show but like part of me part of me wants to have it as like my first dance at my wedding just because no one else will and no one else has. You know when you say a sentence, do you ever do this? When you say a sentence and you think,

oh, no one's ever said that sentence before? Definitely. Probably. Well, maybe you can test it out. Maybe that's like a new sketch. It's just like just that song in inappropriate places like you can because I mean

if it was your first dance you could probably also have it at your funeral as well it's all so tragic someone probably has yeah maybe I'm good

we're going to play some music now that Darren really loved this meant the world to him when he was out on the seafront it's Example and Kickstarts so just bow your heads This meant the world to him when he was out on the seafront. It's an example.

And kickstarts. Just bow your heads while we listen to this. This is awful. I think that would be incredibly funny. Maybe I'm going to commit to having it at my funeral now. Yeah, maybe. I mean, you don't get to experience that. But you can just have it written down so you can enjoy the fact that that will be happening for your life yeah maybe you could record a little video to it to cheer everyone up so when they're

sad they see you dancing to kickstarts i think post being stuck on an island with it for however long i'm on the island for the least that everyone else deserves is to listen to kickstarts at my funeral because it sort of has the energy of like you know when a group of love island people go into the villa for the first time and they're looking around and be like wow it's so cool oh have you seen the pool oh that's wicked you know this is on in the background so maybe that could also be your music as you get a step through the pearly gates it's like examples kickstarts as you're like i'm in heaven yeah check out all the angels and it's doing all that in the background yeah it has got real energy of like

compilation shots definitely i think that's why it makes it that is the like gift of a really bad song right you can put it over anything and it means nothing okay and uh what would your what would your film choice be so my film choice would be titanic 2 which is the worst film i've ever seen um it is so long i mean there's so many things wrong with it oh it's not actually that long oh my gosh so it's in my head it's really long no that's not oh yeah no it's right 200 and no wait i just googled how long the satanic was and it said 269 m and in my head i was like oh it's 269 minutes, but that means meters, doesn't it? And that's the length. The boat was 269 meters. Yeah. Okay, well, this is embarrassing.

So it's only an hour and a half. And the real Titanic's three hours and 15 minutes. And the real Titanic, Titanic 1, is actually really good. So I don't know why Titanic, I know why Titanic 2 must have been so bad that I've imagined it twice the length of the original film. I think I've just looked it up and on Wikipedia there's a line which feels very damning. It was released direct-to-TV in Australia in 2010.

And me and my sister watched it twice we watched it consecutive nights in a row at about 1am when we were maybe 18 19 uh in my parents living room and we we found ourselves watching it the first time like it was on like one of those late night film channels and then the second night it started and we laughed and we were like ha ha ha imagine if we watch this again and then we watched it again i'm shocked to see it's got a 57 percent like oh okay to be fair it's got 57 on google users of people who liked the film it's got 1.6 out of 10 on my FBT, which is damning. Well, in the plot here, it's saying in Wikipedia that in the Arctic waters in Greenland,

a person is surfing on waves created by falling chunks of ice that fall off the glacier and into the ocean, caused by the effects of global warming. However, a very large chunk of ice falls into the water, creating an especially large wave the surfer tries to escape from the wave but it's too fast for him and in a matter of seconds it catches up with him and then he drowns and then drowns and kills him and then someone's sent to investigate and that's apparently the plot yeah so basically it's a vanity project for Dick Van Dyke's grandson uh Shane Van Dyke who uh produced the film

wrote the film act starred in the film and basically that after that happens that's kind of like the beginning of the of the film and then and then the Titanic 2 sets off on the 100th anniversary of the Titanic but this was filmed in gosh in the when was it this is 2010 ah okay so same time as example not a great time for media in general um and and dick fendick's grandson is the captain of the titanic 2 which is setting sail on to to to mark the 100th year anniversary also to mark the 100th year anniversary of anniversary of a tragedy don't don't repeat that obviously why would that's just testing fate isn't it like that's so stupid so they set off on this cruise he's the captain and the first time you see him he's got two hot babes no more than two he's got like four hot babes on his arms and then he he's like you know very much like this is the star of the show the everything happens to

the ship the ship like spoilers it sinks um that consistently like all of the characters we've met all the way through get killed off and die but then for some reason we the helicopter comes in right at the end to save dick van dyke's grandson takes him up in the helicopter and we just can like there's so many passengers still on the ship that like just continue to sink and we don't we don't follow their journey we go up into the helicopter with dick van dyke's grandson he um he passes out and we think it's the end. It's really sad. And then he like gets resuscitated.

He comes back to life. They spend about three minutes resuscitating him. And then he comes back to life. And then, no, then he dies. And then it's like sad music. And we watch the helicopter go away. And we've completely forgotten about the ship and all of the crew.

And then in huge capital letters, it says Shane Van Dyke. It's really, this is all from memory as well. This is from the two times I watched it. Well, at least the captain died doing what he loved, fleeing the sinking ship full of his passengers. Yeah, he should have gone down on the ship, shouldn't he? I think maybe there is a bit where he's like, I'm going to go down on this ship and then they rescue him.

They're like, no, not Dick Van Dyke's grandson. You're too talented. You can't die. Yeah, it's the idea that anyone after the most, like would name a ship after the most famous shipwreck of all time. It's just like you know it's like the Hindenburg 2

no we don't need a second giant German airship after the first one famously exploded in a ball of flames it's so disrespectful also because it was filmed in 2010 it's like set in the sort of in the future so it was set in because Titanic was in 2012 right so I think it was sort of in the future so it was set in because titanic was in 2012 right

so i think it was sort of in a slightly imagined 20 hang on titanic was 1912 before i sound crazy so it was supposed to be 100 years after the titanic sunk but the film was actually made like 98 years after that so they had to be yeah two years in the future yeah which is such a weird choice just wait dick van dyke's grandson and then it was like so it was like a yeah a sort of like a bit shinier and there was some like some weird technologies that were like so like futuristic but they were imagining would happen in two in two years time also there's no lifeboats there's um little life submarines that come out and they're animated and they're so bad i can't believe it's only an hour and a half in my head it's like five hours long

i mean that's always the measure of a great film yeah i mean it's just like when you google titanic 2 there's loads of things come up that like it's actually quite hard to find the real the proper a proper clip of it because there's so many pastiches of people doing silly versions of like what might happen in an alternate titanic because it's such a ridiculous idea that there would be a titanic 2 it's like films that can never have a sequel titanic would be one of them you know It's like films that can never have a sequel, Titanic would be one of them. You know, it's like, it just seems mad.

I mean, I'm surprised that they were actually allowed to call it Titanic 2 and not, you know, didn't have to give it a different name or something. But maybe James Cameron was just like, look, nobody's going to take this seriously. Fucking make it look like it's an official sequel if you want because no one's buying this. Yeah, I think Dick must have pulled some strings. Well, yeah.

It's a shame because that's probably Shane's whole inheritance, wasn't it, from Dick there? Yeah, it was so expensive. He never reached to make this total bag of wang. To be fair, the the of the ice falling down is global warming so in a way like it's actually quite a right on film um and in 2010 you know we weren't all talking about global warming in the same intensity we are now so yeah oh wow a supernatural horror filmed a supernatural horror themed sequel titanic 666 was released 12

years later last year i have to watch that titanic 666 that looks awful it's a sequel to titanic 2 stop oh no is it by shane van dyke as well? It's not. They took him off it. But it is a sequel. Fucking hell. After embarking on the maiden voyage of Titanic 3, a group of digital influencers are surrounded by macabre events. It's got influencers in, so this is quite tempting then because you get to watch influencers meet a watery end. Maybe I will have to watch this. It a fine line isn't it i mean it

does sound so bad it's good but it also sort of sounds so bad it's just bad yeah it might just steal hours from your life i wonder how long this one is as well 91 minutes so similarly it's short but i bet it feels longer yeah okay well I think that's a superb choice of film there and yeah I might have to watch that myself now finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals

which animal is it and why so the animal is a dodo and in my head it's the last remaining dodo so you my head it's the last remaining dodo okay so the last so you're gonna have to then have the responsibility of trying to preserve the dodo for life yeah i think it would be so flippant annoying and i think if a species has died out it probably wasn't trying hard to survive um don't quote me on that um so so i think it's probably in my head it's like oh sorry

in my head it's like this kind of cartoony situation where the dodo is consistently walking into trouble like consistently like walking off the end of a cliff and I have to catch it before it does and all this like moral weight and responsibility of me this conservation kind of responsibility is all on me to save this dodo and keep out of trouble like like it keeps like walking into the sea and forgetting it can't swim and then drowning and i have to pick it out and dry it off uh it keeps like you know sitting down on a fire that i've built and then i have to keep putting out it just seems like a lot of hassle you know what just the idea of a donut you're absolutely right it looks so much like a goofy sort of slapstick kind of animal doesn't it it's it's like in um

you know the Pixar film Up I think there's a there's a bird that's a bit like that just sort of like a goofy annoying bird that you have to protect but is also quite hard work yeah yeah that beautiful bird and that bird has a sort of right because it's like huge and it's like it's like a it's special it's a special sort of bird isn't it whereas the dodo is like a fancy pigeon it doesn't deserve all that attention but yeah i just it is this thing just so goofy about it it's really hard to imagine that it actually exists because i don't know you hear the dodo is a funny name and it looks kind of goofy and like it's sort of the wrong size and shape it's like they're quite big aren't they i don't know actually but it doesn't exist anymore no no it's extinct yeah but i mean like just i mean do you mean in the past yeah in the

past yeah yeah yeah i think they were really fluffy right and they were like a bit like penguin like they just feel like a very made-up animal and i think the fact that they are extinct doesn't help me sort of believe it's like the victorians played a practical joke on us and pretended that dodos were a real thing and we're we're all still just going yeah right oh yeah the dodo is extent but they just look they just look fucking weird yeah they do they're really weird i think they they look like you know when they say that birds came from you know there's the direct descendants of dinosaurs and the dodo is one of those things that really does look like a bit dinosaur-y it it doesn't it just

looks weird yeah yeah you're so right it does look too close to the dinosaur to be. Imagine if they were just out and about now, like pigeons in the streets. Yeah, just full of dodos. Apparently, just looking three feet tall. Three feet? Yeah. That's quite big, isn't it? Quite a big bird. Apparently, the last one was killed in 1681.

Okay. In my head, they were extinct in Victorian times. Yeah, I sort of thought they were I don't know why I feel more and more it's just like a big prank and we're just falling for it now it's like aha wait until the people of the future hear about this and they're going to believe that we had these three foot tall birds there's no birds are three foot tall I mean what's I guess a swan is probably about three foot tall it just seems like a weird height for a bird. Penguins.

Penguins, yeah. My argument's coming undone here. Chickens. They're not three feet tall. Cockerels, peacocks. Peacocks are about three foot. Cockerels could be three feet tall. Peacocks with the big tail.

Cockerels with... Chickens with the little frilly bit on the top of their heads or with the hats that they wear in um chicken run okay if they're gonna wear hats then i'll yeah i'll give it i'll give you that i've actually think i've seen a picture of a dodo in a top hat as well oh it's very easy to imagine a dodo in a top hat i'm absolutely i don't know if i've seen that picture but i'm seeing it now in my head, so it's very easy to remember. Yeah. Can you imagine? There must be a dodo in a top hat. It can't be a... That must be something, right?

That can't be something that we've just so easily imagined. Let's have a look. I'm doing a lot of Googling today. Oh, yeah, there's loads of pictures. Google that. There's multiple pictures of dodos in top hats, even in a bowler hat. God, it's a bird that suits a hat.

I'll give it that. It's a distinguished bird. It would i just think a nightmare to have to look after it but but i but i did for the record i did choose this thinking that the dodo was more recently extinct than than the 1600s um well do you know what i think in in in my sort of little brief googling as we've been talking i did see an article that said something about trying to bring them back so imagine we could imagine that this was the one that they've brought back and then you're stuck with it and you have to keep it alive or all of the all of the trouble they've gone to from engineering it back into life has been on that point you're like your reminder like imagine being the scientist that had to look after dolly the sheep after she was cloned like it's a famous

animal you're you're basically a chaperone that's that's stressful yeah it is i think it's a great choice and um i just think they're a ridiculous animal that's going to really make your time on the island really difficult so i think it's a perfect way to finish and uh i think all of your choices have been inspired really i think you know you've you've got yourself a really crap island to live on there so uh well done bravo thank you very much i'm gonna have a truly horrible time thank you so much for coming on desert island dicks today and uh creating a really terrible environment for yourself thank you for having me it's been horrible. There you go another episode of Desert Island Dicks out in the world and there's nothing you can do about

it i think that's it as i said i'm mainly just excited about uh jenny eclair joining us for live desert island dicks in november so come along to that and we'll have more episodes out in the meantime uh where i'll probably bang on about it a bit more but we'll also be talking to another wonderful guest so make sure you subscribe and then you won't miss a damn thing. Desert Island Dicks has been a Sink Club production. It was produced and created and this time edited by the very lovely James Deacon.

He has magnificent thighs and a great mind. His father is John Deacon, who also gets a shout out for his continued support. And, oh yeah, it was also hosted and produced by me, but I've told you that before. If you've got this far, I reckon you know that. Thank you very much for listening. I will be back soon with more Desert Island Dicks.

Bye!