Desert Island Dicks - LOU SANDERS

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

It's the episode that tried to be live but couldn't, so we recorded it over zoom instead. Lou Sanders was going to be our guest at the next Desert Island Dicks live, but covid was being a proper dick at the time, so we decided to do a regular episode instead, and here it is: Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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There's the class-leading passenger space, the clean, thoughtful design, and the intuitive technology. But out of everything, what you'll really love most is that it's a Honda. Visit Honda.com slash EV to see offers. Hello, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks here, which you might have guessed if you're a regular listener, because that's what I say at the start of every episode. This episode features Lou Sanders, and and she's very good isn't she she was supposed to be our guest uh for the live show but we had to cancel it because of the sodding pandemic but hey what we did is we spoke to Lou and he said Lou we can't do it but could

you come on here anyway and just do a regular episode and she was like yeah definitely let's do it and and we've done it, and this is the result. You know, I'm not lying. It's here. Like, I'll prove it to you. But once I stop talking, you'll hear what happened. So we'll get into that in just a second. Just a reminder that if you could subscribe to the podcast,

that's always really helpful and also means that you'll never miss out on an episode. We've still got loads of brilliant guests to come, as always. So you want to get them first. So that's why you should subscribe. The other thing is that leaving us a rating or a review is especially wonderful. If you could do that, that would be great. Thank you very much. And yeah, I think that's it, really.

I'll be back at the end of this with a little bit of waffle and more information. But let's just get into it. You know, I'm in the kind of mood today. I just want to get started. So here we go. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today

is comedian, writer and host of the Cuddle Club podcast, Lou Sanders. Woo! I'll hype myself in, shall I? How are you today? I'm very good, actually, yeah. I am, yeah, why not? Well, I'm holding back from all the boring stuff. Like I was going to say, I was going to tell you stuff, and we don't know each other that well,

and I think, like, focus on the positives. Oh, that isn't what this podcast is about is it well no I mean I was gonna say because obviously you know you host the cuddle club podcast which is you know about cuddling um broadly speaking and you know I'm gonna ask you to sort of talk about things and people that you hate I mean is this a bit of a a bit of a gear change I don't want to sort of like mess up your you know your outlook on life or anything yeah you don't want to mess up the brand well i think i've got some workarounds because well when we get into it i'll tell you okay yeah well you know if it's getting too much and we need to stop and talk about something upbeat for you know there's like a little like

palate cleanser between sections you know we can do that we can be flexible i think is i am a little bitch but i'm trying not to be that's the thing like i've spent a lot of money on alternative health and healing and spiritual stuff and then now and again i'm still a little bitch but um it's a work in progress it's a full it's it's a lifetime's work to not be a little some people are not born a bitch and i I think that's lovely, actually. Some people have to do less work on themselves to be naturally nice. I'm only horrible about people

that I think are horrible about me. Okay. I think it's contextual. You know, sometimes you see, you know, I'd watch a documentary about a monk sitting there, really peaceful in a monastery somewhere, beautiful. And I think it's probably easier to be in the moment if you're that guy, because, you know, in London, it's a bit harder.

So I think we need to give ourselves a bit of a break, a bit of a get out. Also, I was reading this amazing book called, what's it called? It's this amazing book about death and dying and what the Buddhists believe. But then the guy who wrote it, Rupale rinnepe rinnepe or maybe they're all called that this monk he has done loads of sex crimes right like the big ones like raping people and um you sort of think oh right but his writing is profound and amazing and you're reading it thinking wow i think he's channeling something higher here because this is like you read it and a piece of you sort of opens up and everything and then my friend told me he's got a really

dodgy past and stuff and i was like oh no there's nothing sacred the tibetan book of living and dying of course so yeah and also once I went to a retreat and I was like so zen, like what you were saying about coming back to London. I was so zen in this retreat and I was like, well, I think I'm pretty much enlightened. And then I was coming back to London and I missed a train and I was like, oh, for fuck's sake, this is fucking shit.

Like it took about a minute for me to go back to my normal self. Maybe the extremes are just bigger. You know, some people who are so pure in one sense, like, can snap the other way. I knew a guy who was very, you know, I'd see him hug trees and things like that. Yeah. Yeah, it turned out he was a bit of a deviant as well.

Oh, gosh. Also, maybe the people who are going, like, full out, like, hugging trees and stuff, which I have done, maybe they're the people that, but I haven't done any sex crimes. So that's quite good. But maybe they're the people that need the help the most. So there's more kind of shade to clear up maybe. Yeah. That guy actually, talking of cuddles as well, gave me, I think, the worst cud ever because um he would always hug you like too much

of a hug for how much I liked him you know so he'd really hold on for ages and I remember once he was still eating and I sort of walked in he's like hey brother gave me this huge hug and I could like feel his jaws chewing like right next to my ear so I could just feel all the workings so that was a terrible cuddle as well anyway it's just because i was listening to your podcast and i was thinking about what would my worst cuddle be and i thought that that was the worst oh we'll get you on you will get you on you've got some of the answers already great okay well let's get into we've we've we've started here so let's get into the the dicks now properly who's going to be the first person joining you on the island well can i talk in terms of archetypes you can yeah because um well i mean apart from the obvious people like

mark zuckerberg or but is he bad or bezos are they really bad they've got to be haven't they i think they're quite bad if you've got all that money i think about this a lot like if you've got to be haven't they I think they're quite bad if you've got all that money I think about this a lot like if you've got all that money surely you could someone tweeted Jeff Bezos once and said um you know with you know a fifth percent of his wealth whatever he could solve solve world hunger and he no no it wasn't him as it was a Tesla guy. And they said that, and he said, well, if you show me how to do it, then I'll do it. But, I mean, I'm not very smart, but surely it's about distribution of wealth at that stage, or it just seems mental.

Also, they must all be psychopaths, because collecting money in that way, that obscene way you can't spend it in your lifetime with the poverty all around you, it doesn't make sense, does it? Like, what's the gain? I guess power, knowing that you could F off into another planet at any moment, but they could still do that and help the world, no? Yeah, I think, I mean, when it gets to the point where you're the richest man that's ever lived, you could give 70% of your money away and still never spend it all and i think it's just that mindset like you always need more all the time like it's a game isn't it like you have to just you just can't stop collecting collecting

money and being the best and it's yeah it's something i will never understand i'd like to see a documentary on it if anyone's makes oh i might try and get my friend sally makes documentaries but getting access to these people and asking them is tricky nowadays but um that would be a lovely documentary i'd love to watch that why i don't understand i could be the interviewer why um but so maybe then because then i'd get some i'll get some sort of honest answers wouldn't I wouldn't I what about if I fancied them because you know sometimes women have been bred to kind of go towards power but I mean maybe once you're on the island they don't really have any power or value you know maybe the power dynamic would be who was the most useful you know the person who was really good at like finding getting fish or coconuts or whatever maybe they would that would

be the real power there oh that's true that Elon Musk is just sort of talking about strategy all the time but not really not really doing much they've all got those satellite phones that um so they could probably do something with that couldn't they maybe maybe we're going to assume the technology is broken though Daniel for a format like this, you've got to. I think, okay, so I'm going to go with archetypes because, you know, we're all God's children. Try not to slag anyone off personally. Although, you know, obviously people like Jimmy Savile,

God rest his soul, God don't rest his soul, is easier to target. There's no denying, really. But what about archetypes? The football fan who baits women online. Okay. Every time, not every time, but a lot of the times, if someone's being really mean online,

you go to their profile and they're a big old football fan. A lot of my friends are football fans i'll say that some of my best friends are football fans but why is it the people baiting people online sometimes it's women against other women but a lot of the time it's football fans who just love their sons yeah so sort of they've got a picture of them in a kit saying proud father or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Proud father or proud Everton supporter.

Husband, son, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of their feed is them sort of having a go at something. So, you know, they're having a go at me, Sainsbury's. You know, we're all getting it in there. We're all getting it in there. Because I don't think I'd gel well with someone like that. But mind you, next to the other people I've mentioned,

we might get on, you never know. Well, you know, something like that, you could look for the similarities at least. You know, you could try and bring them over to your side. It's weird, isn't it? I always sort of think if all you can put in your twitter bio is the football team you support the fact that you're a son which is kind of a given you know it's like you're all a son or a daughter somewhere you know yeah it's it's not a special skill and you know you've made offspring maybe there's not that much going on in

your life maybe that's why you find it so easy to kind of seek a thrill in slanging someone off anonymously online because like what's in your life the fact that you were born and you have made a child like that's not that's not that's not interesting so what's your hobbies well i'm a son you're like no yeah what are you into well i've got a mum we've all had a mum yeah yeah yeah but actually now i feel sorry for them i've taught actually now I feel sorry for them. I've taught myself how to feel sorry for them. And when there are people like Jimmy Savile, Jeff Bezos, can you put Jimmy Savile and Jeff Bezos in the same?

Yeah. You can, I think. Well, you can put them on the same island. I don't know if they're exactly in the same camp. No, no, no, no. It's a bit different. I mean, Jimmy Savile was worse. Then I sort of feel sorry for this football guy

because he probably just needs more in his life but I think I would hate to be stranded with like someone who's really negative you know who because you'd need a bit of cheer to keep you going wouldn't you you wouldn't want someone like so upbeat they're singing and dancing in your face and you're like Michael we've got to try and eat you know but someone I'd hate to be with a real negative person that'd be my worst thing okay so I mean yeah I mean obviously you know in a desert island scenario you know you've got stuck there there's been a plane crash it's going to be hard to be cheery anyway but once you know you've kind of settled down a bit and got into the daily life yeah just someone who's constantly chipping away at you is quite hard you get those people quite a lot in

life and like they're exhausting yeah yeah my stepdad watches the news as many times a day as he can like four or five times a day and I'm not I don't think this is adding to your joy de vivre you know he's quite he's quite he's quite negative and uh yeah i'm like this can't and he's like i need to watch the news in case the queen dies and i think i think you'll know about it if the queen you know when the queen dies yeah i think it's gonna it's the easiest news to find out about very quickly yeah yeah like some huge terrorist incident i mean you get you don't need to watch the news to be told these things yeah the ripple effect of when princess diana died i mean i was in greece and i found out i wasn't watching the news but um yeah it does make him quite negative i mean i'm not saying live in

a bubble i do live in a bubble uh but look at me we're very chipper um who would you hate to be stuck on a desert island with ah well I mean I've done this podcast originally uh James my friend was the host and I was the first guest when we were trying to work out what to do so I have picked people but I'd pick completely different people now I mean you know the joy of hindsight and also hearing lots of people's choices every week but I think I'd probably be with you on a on a Jeff Bezos character I think that's a very a very strong choice so hang on what we we were saying we'd hate to be stuck on an island with Jeff Bezos but now I've changed my mind and I think I would like to be because I'd really love

to get some of these answers okay I'd like how like why do you need all this money what was your relationship with your mother like and your father and why do you think this like why have you got this lack in your life and how can you not empathize with other people like I think when you get money and stuff like you want to share it you want to like everyone to be happy and have I don't know so I think I would like to be stuck on a desert island with Jeff Bezos although I think that you would like to get the answers to them but as a person well you know once you've found out or you can find out from them do you think they'd be okay to be with you know they might just sort of be well how long are we on this island I suppose we don't know do we no we don't know an indeterminate amount of time

but wait maybe I could change him oh oh oh there we uh-oh, there we go. That's the root of all the problems for women. I think we can change them. But maybe I could, you know, if I've given long enough with Jeff Bezos. Either that or he'll take me so much he'll just walk into the sea. And either way, it's a win, really. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, problem solved. Okay, well, we can put him on then.

Shall we put him on and we'll see we'll see how it goes okay then we've got a very negative person you're looking at a sunset and you you think you're saying it's beautiful and they're like well uh yeah it's just the same as it was yesterday yeah yeah that kind of constant sort of finding the bad in everything or like yeah yeah okay who are we going to round off this trio of dicks with? We need one more. Well, I mean, I hate to go so commercial. You know, I hate to not think outside the box,

but is it a simple case of Boris Johnson? Yeah, I mean... It's topical. It's very topical. But I think you could have said it five years ago and it would be as topical. It's very topical. But I think you could have said it five years ago and it would be as topical. And it's like, he's always going to be, you know. Also, he is obviously a bellend.

But if he was on the island, maybe we might save the NHS. Probably unlikely, but you never know. It's unlikely because the labour party actually started that process of selling off off anyway so um but and he would be quite entertaining i know this is awful to say but he would be just like you wouldn't believe it would you he'd be bounding around sort of with a sheer sense of entitlement still on the island and you'd just be like wow this is beggar's

belief you'd want to take some of that and sort of think wow if I had that confidence you know yeah but I think the thing is with Boris Johnson knowing what we do about him if you did start finding him entertaining you'd just start hating yourself for fine don't you think oh god I'm falling for it this is what happens yeah i also think he's going to be someone who's he's just so full of shit that he'd constantly be promising things that he wouldn't deliver on or he'd just get bored and walk off so he'd like oh well no it's easy to get coconuts down you just uh oh yeah chop the tree down and you're like boris now we can't have any more coconuts you fucking idiot you've like you've destroyed the source of food. It's like, oh, sure.

Many more coconuts coming our way soon. And you're like, how? You've just poisoned the vegetables you'd managed to grow or some shit and just sort of promised more and it'll all be fine, but there'd never be a solution. And I'd end up pregnant probably. Yeah. He just had another one, didn't he? And it was like, when did this even this even i mean i sort of don't

want our prime ministers to have enough time to be making children i mean no no no absolutely mad the whole thing although maybe if they don't have sex enough that's probably not good maybe they do need the release but i mean the idea of boris johnson's release is disgusting so how many he's got like eight or nine or something now has he or he refuses to say doesn't yeah because he's got like a few love children and stuff that all the journalists know about and so he doesn't want to yeah that's why he so needs to make loads of money to like pay off all the alimony yeah i think he's a good choice also can you imagine him being too hot on a desert island being a bit clammy and red and just sort of just sweaty and

his hair all damp yeah and then um if we ever got back i could sell like my story you know yeah like what boris was up to my story in my words life on the island yeah um yeah i think it'd be he'd be difficult he'd be useless i bet he can throw a tantrum quite easily as well yeah absolutely he's like a little toddler isn't he but a dangerous uh psychopathic um narcissistic toddler yeah it's very easy to imagine him in a nappy it really is thank you not all adults you can just instantly picture in a nappy. It really is, thank you. Not all adults you can just instantly picture in a nappy just wandering around, but him you can. And that is the sub-headline of my story in my words. Okay, so we've got the people then.

So we've got Jeff Bezos. We've just got a constantly negative person and we've got Boris Johnson. And I think you amongst those three people is going to be a very difficult scenario. So we're off to a strong start here, Lou. Well done. Okay. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. Yes. What are they and why are they so bad? Meat. And this is going to be an unpopular choice uh alcohol alcohol only because i don't drink because i'm a bit of a legend and um so i stopped drinking ages ago uh just because i'm the worst when i drink so if mind you it would be entertaining and if there's not you know maybe i'll start

drinking again if i was on an island with nothing else to do and then for company i mean it's a prime sort of mix for it isn't it and then meat like if i had to eat meat i haven't eaten meat since i was 13 and um yes if i had to eat that, I think I'd be really sad. Do you know what? One of my new things I have these days is having anxiety dreams quite a lot. Oh, no. About things that I'm not even anxious about sometimes. So last night I had a dream ahead of this, which I was looking forward to. I had a dream that we were recording this in the garden

and I'd cooked a lovely but humble meal of uh of pizza and salad yeah and halfway through you asked me uh you said oh this this vegan mayonnaise is really nice normally vegan ones don't taste this nice and I'd realized that it was normal mayonnaise oh and there was cheese on the pizza I don't even know if you are vegan I am yeah yeah okay so it was it was apt right and i was like oh fuck and you were kind of doing that thing of like okay i don't want to sort of shout at you but i am quite pissed off because i'm vegan but also i'm feeling quite sick now because i don't eat this kind of thing and and i was like god this has really skewed the podcast now serving you like yeah so it sort of feels appropriate now your choice I didn't give

you any booze though luckily so yeah yeah yeah well I mean that's not on you that's what I'm saying that's not on you even though it's a fictional dream I think as a host I should have checked but look we know for next time I mean yeah yeah yeah I mean this was meant to be a live show this podcast I mean so there's no I can't offer you food you know you're on a computer now so no but we're not we're not getting into it it's okay but yeah you stuck with a load of meat i think boris johnson would be sort of espousing the virtues of eating lots of red meat oh yeah he that that boy's two steps away from a heart attack he's got to be but i do think in the years to come people will look at pet shops and the way we ate meat like the chicken

coops and stuff where they're all like shitting on top of each other and plucking each other's eyes out because they're just all like can't breathe and stuff i think we'll look at that and think like what that's mad how can we think think that dogs have got consciousness and they're quite intelligent and stuff and then not think that other animals do? Like there's clips of chickens online playing football and stuff. I'm not kidding you. There's like a couple of chickens. There's one in China that's really good at football and stuff.

And I had to do a lecture on chickens for some radio thing. I do think now now having heard this that uh if we were to show people more videos of chickens playing football yeah maybe this could be the thing that swings it's like listen guys we all like fried chicken on the way home from the pub but if that wasn't fried chicken it would be playing a fucking great match right now yeah come home from the pub and watch some chicken football with a nice, you know, a nice vegan pizza. And you'll be having a lovely time. It's marketing. It's marketing.

Yeah. Shove some fake chicken down your neck and watch Everton chickens. Yeah. Everton chickens. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. I mean, I want to see it. I'm definitely going to go and, like, Google this clip afterwards clip afterwards and i mean and imagine an octopus in a football match i mean if they'd have

to do it underwater i guess but i mean oh yeah all those arms maybe maybe football's not the right with all those arms you're kidding me maybe football's not maybe should be more like cricket or something thinking about the arms maybe saying something where you can use your hands i don't know yeah yeah but you know we're all brainwashed into different stuff and it's no one's fault it's just what we were told was normal growing up and then but i do think we'll look at it and think bloody hell like slavery was normal and i'm not saying the meat industry is as bad as slavery obviously but slavery at one time was normal and people were like all right then we'll just get slate i mean it still happens sadly quite a lot as in kids are bought anyway let's not let's keep it light okay let's keep it light okay okay well all right so

so we have the case for meat alcohol then i mean I mean, you were saying that obviously in that scenario, it might be nice to drink again. But then if you know, you know, if you stop drinking because of the way you felt it made you, then you're going to have to have that every morning with like, oh God, me and Boris were doing that thing. Like we were dancing. I'm pregnant again.

Oh my God. Well, imagine if you went to an island, like this is what would happen. If I was on an island with Bezos and Boris and stuff, and then I started drinking, I might be the worst person on the island. Imagine that. That would be bad. Yeah, imagine, like, Jeff Bezos or someone stepping over the negative person

being like, look, I just think you need to tone it down a bit. Yeah. And then we get, if we're're ever rescued they do my story and my words and it's all about how awful i was yeah their story in their words okay this episode is brought to you by state farm you might say all kinds of stuff when things go wrong but these are the words you really need to remember like a good neighbor state farm is there they've got options to fit your unique insurance needs, meaning you can talk to your agent to choose the coverage you need,

have coverage options to protect the things you value most, file a claim right on the State Farm mobile app, and even reach a real person when you need to talk to someone. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Well, fortunately, you're not going to be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just

your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, least favourite film, The Hangover 2. I think it's The Hangover 2. Yeah, it was the most sexist thing I've ever seen in my frigging life. Like, it might be The Hangover 1 one but i'm sure it's too the guy who's getting married right his father-in-law is like oh whatever happens and his dad do you know

don't worry about it mate like you know boys will be boys like her dad is saying effectively yeah you know screw who you want don't worry about it but what we like and you're like what like what's going on here and the girls are so lame they just want to go in the spa and stuff i mean i don't mind a spa but it's like the girls are could be any irreplaceable kind of 2d you know and the boys are like yeah legends they're having all the fun and the girls are just like so passive they don't even speak i mean it was a long time i watched it but i remember being really angry at the time so that would be my worst film um because i know that sometimes men write films and they don't know how to portray women and that so they just

like don't really do anything with them they're just sort of there to like they don't know how to portray women. And so they just like, don't really do anything with them. They're just sort of there to like, I don't really know, like a cardboard cutout. But then Sharon Holger once said, if you have problems writing women, just write them as men and then change the name at the end. And I thought, oh yeah, because we're not different. Like, you know, I don't know. Maybe we go to spas more often but the friends I know that girls that like like activities and action and you know yeah yeah you want to have fun and also

go to a spa as well like you can do but I quite want to go out if I next time I go on a stag do I'd quite like to go to a spa the next day that would be quite nice you know that's a good sort of cure for like a big night out you know like why can't we have both yeah i'm going to and like all my friends are hardcore that are girls i like like um you know do skateboarding or roller skating or there's not any difference between or i'm going to adult gymnastics next week so I want to try and learn how to do a backflip and I put me trying online, I attempted

one and it was really bad at like trampolining place and my friend was like I need to teach her how to do this safely I didn't realise he was a gymnast when he was younger and then he sent me a clip of him doing like all these like front flips and back flips and everything and he's going to teach me how to do one wow that's just such a good trick to have in your back pocket

and especially because you don't drink so there's no risk because I think it's a dangerous thing for someone who drinks to have in like up their sleeve but you're never going to be like i'm pissed watch this yeah you know you see you're safe you've got like the safety catch so it's perfect i haven't given up corkian no i have actually um but uh yeah that would be really cool won't it he's in the lion king imagine that and he's gonna teach me at yeah i mean I'm quite clumsy so we'll see but if I'm talking to you next time in the neck brace we know why but you're good at roller skating and you go in a skate park and everything so you've already got a certain amount of like I'm not yeah I don't think I'm very good actually like my friends are really good I think you need to go all the time to be

good and um like some of my friends oh my god they're so good and i feel like a bit lame and um but then you know some of them are like 21 22 of course they're exactly because they're going to be good also you need to think about yourself on the scale i can't roller skate and i you're really good at roller skating yeah next to you you know next to you i could dream exactly exactly so you know it's just it's just who you surround yourself but if you want me to stand next to you next time you go I'm happy to put on a pair of skates and fall over a bit if that will make you feel better thank you I hadn't been skating for ages and I went back and um this was a while ago now and uh I was very you get quite self-conscious

because like some people are just so good and you feel like oh god I'm too old to be this shit you know and um I was psyching myself up to like drop in again and this guy went oh I loved you on Taskmaster and I went oh thank you then I felt even more like people would be like he'd be watching me or whatever to see if I was any good and then dropped in and fell over straight away it's so embarrassing yeah I mean I've been trying to learn to skateboard since in the last couple of years as well and you know I'm really too old to start doing that and it is it's very like if you're a grown-up it feels like you should have been like you know because you see people my age and they've been doing it since they were 10 and they're very good they might be with their kids teaching their kids to

skateboard and I'm like, I can't skateboard. And my son, I can't teach him either, really. So we're both just falling over. Oh, do you go with your son? Well, he has his bike and I'll go on the skateboard, you know. So that's sort of, then we can be about the same pace and it's okay. How old is he? He's four and a half, but he's very, he's very, the opposite of extreme sports, whatever that adjective would be. So he's very, you know, the opposite of extreme sports whatever that adjective would be so he's

very um you know very scared of everything like that so yeah you know it's quite good for me because i'm crap so it's not like he's like whizzing off and i'm struggling behind so it's quite a good balance really yeah it's quite nice that he'll be safe around roads and stuff but um it's a shame we can't all sort of have a kid like Sky Brown really, isn't it? Yeah, because she's pretty cool. Yeah. Any other kid next to Sky Brown is a bit embarrassing really. But then think how shit that'd make you feel.

Like if you had a daughter who is like much better at roller skating, at least you've got a head start. I think I'd love it because I'd just be like, okay, I'm just going to get into collages or something you know but a basket weaving or something you know yeah hey Lou what's your song choice gonna be um well I think it's any repetitive sort my pet hate is beeping noises like it makes me so mad like if anyone wanted to torture me I think think they'd just play beeping noises in. But anything repetitive.

So maybe it's like a kid's song, like, my goddaughter likes, like, every kid likes Baby Shark. Yeah, yeah. So maybe it's something like that. Like, I think that would be the worst. I can't think of any other songs that I hate, hate. What songs do you hate? I mean, yeah, same, that's sort of repetitive.

I mean, there comes a point with like kids' music where you hear it so often that you just can't hear it anymore. Yeah, I was saying to, I think it was Ellis James recently, he, because we were talking about a similar thing, and my son had just got into listening to crazy frog do you remember that yeah yeah and i thought that was just gone like i thought that was something from like 20 years ago would never come back and it somehow popped up on youtube and he loves it and then i was sort of saying how awful it was and how i was trying to steer him somewhere else

and then like he was like but i really like it and i was like oh yeah you do don't you and i'm sort of taking it away from you but it is also shit as well yeah i mean in terms of bleepy music i quite like sort of like electronic music so i don't i can put up with a lot of repetitive electronic music but i can also get how it can be seen it's quite meaningless no electronic there's a few things going on it's not just like one beeping noise continually so electronic music some of it's all right actually heavy metal i think i'd find that tricky if it was a really heavy metal song you know they've done an experiment i don't know if this is true or a bit woo-woo but they did an experiment on um how water freezes and and they put half the group with um i think like classical music and then

half the group a group group of water ice um with like heavy metal music and the patterns i think this might be one of these internet bullshit things but the patterns um under the classical music the ice was symmetrical patterns or something what am i talking about i don't know and then under the heavy metal music it was all like shards and i don't know this could be horseshit and i can't really tell it very well this is like at the start of the podcast was searching in my head for in the name of the book for about 10 minutes great guest i mean i'm just glad that there are scientists out there doing important work in the name of a book for about 10 minutes. Great guest. I mean, I'm just glad that there are scientists out there doing important work in the field of how water freezes

when water is listening to different kinds of music. Well, yeah, you can't be working on cancer the whole time. Exactly, exactly. Okay, so should we say a particularly repetitive children's song then? Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. It's yours to go insane to. All right, Lou, finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

Alligator or shark, because you're on an island, aren't you? Yeah. I mean, you can't reason with a shark i know that much scientists have proved that yeah you can't like they're not you can't sort of meet them halfway no i find that i mean obviously i don't want to sort of believe they're inherently bad and they're just trying to eat and whatever and sometimes you see people who are like um you know people who protect sharks and they're saying, listen, you know, like they don't want to attack us. Usually what they do is like bite people, realize that we're not, you know, the animal they want to eat and then they leave you.

And you think, well, yeah, like I'm glad there wasn't intent behind it. But if he's like eating my legs off, whether it was meant with malice or not, I still don't have any legs anymore. So, yeah, you thought you're bad at skateboarding before the shark attack i mean although there's a guy who does it there's a guy i saw the other day with no legs and he skateboards and he's brilliant but um still i would like to keep them if it's an option i think i mean for roller skating it's especially hard with no legs it is i mean harder than skateboarding yeah so your chosen discipline you really need your legs you do you do need you do need the pair of them if you could um i think alligator over shark because they can come up on the land a bit can't they

shark at least you're sort of thinking well it's only if i'm in the water if i'm in trouble yeah and if you don't get too deep it's probably probably all right, you know, staying in the shallows. But I think alligator or lococodile is the biggest dick of all. Yeah. They'll just lie there all day, so you think they're slow and shit, but actually then they're very fast and quick, aren't they? I think they can run really fast, but you kind of think, oh, it's not going to do anything, but then...

It's like me on a panel show, you know. It's not. It's not like me. It's the opposite, actually. I come really high for it. I don't know if it's anything. But, yes, I think crocodile or alligator, basically. Okay.

Okay, fine. Well, they're yours. The island is overrun with them. And I think, you know, you've got yourself a pretty inhospitable environment there, Lou lou um i think it's it's not a nice place um and you've done really well i hope it hasn't affected your mindset too much you know and it's quite early in the day to be thinking so negatively so you know but um it looks sunny outside there's everything still to play for we can turn this around i'm actually going to go dominate now because um you know i'm all fired up with these psychopathic energies great well you know i hope you can use the power wisely hey lou um we

mentioned you know obviously you've got your podcast going on the cuddle club and uh you're going on tour again as well yeah on tour march till May around the UK. Okay. And so I guess we can just find that anywhere by just Googling you. Well, it's my pinned tweet on Twitter, I suppose, and it's my website. And then it's the individual websites for the venues, I imagine, because I imagine my website isn't – it's never quite up to date. But, you know, it's 2022 now.

People can find the information. They'll get there. They'll get there. Do a bit of the legwork yourself you know just earn it do you think i i can't hold everyone's hand yeah you've got a tour to go on well i've got the end of the show to write for goodness sakes good good okay well luke thank you so much for coming on today it's a shame we couldn't do the live show but you know i appreciate chatting to you about your Desert Island Dicks anyway. Thank you for having me. Have a lovely day. And you.

Bye-bye. So there you go. That was sanders on desert island dicks and you know again we are sorry we couldn't do the live show but um later in the year we've got lots of big plans to share with you so you know there'll be lots of time to see each other in real life and and have a drink and a podcast together so don't you worry we will tell you first if you want to get involved in a different way you can um you can tell us who you would hate to be stuck on an island with or who or what rather you would hate to be stuck on a desert island with because we're going to bring back compact dicks which is where you get to have your say and me and james will read out your submissions and we'll make our own listener-generated, listener-submitted podcast.

All you have to do is go to dixpod.com and you can leave them there. There's a little area where you can leave your submissions. So do that and we'll be back with Compact Dix very soon. Now, I just want to, before I go, let you know that Desert Island Dix is a Sync Clap production created by James Deacon, produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus

our editor is Chris Attaway we get social media support from Jason Leitch and Chinsey Clinton and a special mention as always to Grand Mamster Flash, our statistician and our show historian John Deacon Okay, that's it for me, we'll be back with another episode next week

until then, bye bye very much