Desert Island Dicks - LUCY PORTER

Episode Date: May 16, 2019

Comedian Lucy Porter tells me who and what she'd hate to stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Lucy Porter. Hello. Hello. Thank you so much for coming in, Lucy. Thanks for having me. I really appreciate it. Well, you know, it's been I've really enjoyed listening to the previous episodes and I feel I've already been on a journey. Really? In my plane that's about to crash. Oh, no.

It's really interesting because I was listening and I think because like I without wishing to name names, James, I think a lot of people cheat on this podcast. Absolutely. I think you can't just pick a whole class of people. You can't just go BMW drivers, right? Because that to me is a cop out. You know, you're then, yes, you're offending millions of people, but equally. And I think, because I was trying to do my picks and I was like, well, it's got to be, to me, individuals.

I have gone one fictional, which is a bit of a cheat. But I think, you know, but then you do think, well, I don't want to be gratuitously offensive because when I was a young comedian, I think I didn't mind just, well, I was a dick because I would just be mean about people willy-nilly. Okay. Just because, like, sort of people like Jerry Halliwell

used to be a great figure of fun and i used to join in and prince harry right maybe it's something about gingers i don't know i've just realized i've spotted a connection there what is it about gingers it was just and i i look back on all that material i think god that was just what you know i was just being like mean about people for the sake of it and i don't think there's any fun in that no i think you've got to really mean it okay so i have anyway it's been it's almost like i've agonized over this james is what i'm saying okay good well um it's almost like you've looked inside my head at what i want from this podcast okay so i really i'm really looking forward to this um so so it's

been difficult really hard yeah really hard i'm happy with one and a half of my choices. Interesting. But there's, yeah, and I am obviously, I'm going to do the thing where I'm going to qualify every single choice. I'm going to say they're a dick. But, you know, they're not really a dick because absolutely, because you have to do that.

Yeah. But what I want the listeners to understand is that I am saying, no, but they're a dick. Okay. Right. Okay. Just in case you weren't sure. Well, you know, because, yeah, you don't want to be mean. I want the listeners to understand is that I am saying no but they're a dick. Okay right okay just in case you weren't sure. Well you know because yeah you don't want to be mean and because also having

been on the other side of it because you know when you get any level of well in these days even if you present a podcast or something like you do you get people telling you why they think you're a dick and it's very hard to hear. Oh people tell me all the time. And it's really yeah. It's difficult. I bet they do. Yeah they do. Oh cheers. I'm oh people tell me all the time and it's really yeah it's difficult

I bet they do yeah they do they do oh cheers I'm going to tell you at the end I was going to save it until we're finished

I'm waiting for the day that someone chooses me yeah well it is tempting isn't it isn't it well if I knew more about you

I could have done some research with our mutual friends but okay yeah it is hard so I know what it's like

to be called a dick so to the people i'm calling dicks i say i so i feel your pain but this is the nature of this is we have to do it okay great well thank you for understanding the brief and lucy uh let's dive in who's going to be your first person okay my first desert island dick is faye dunaway faye dunaway okay should the listeners not know who Faye Dunaway is? Well, then they're very wrong not to because she is one of the best actresses Hollywood has ever produced. Absolute screen legend. I would point you to Bonnie and Clyde,

which is an amazing performance, brilliant film. Chinatown, she's spectacular in that network. I mean, she's been involved in some incredible, wonderful, wonderful films. So I'm interested. Why? But she's a dick. Why is she a dick?

Well, I met Faye Dunaway about, gosh, this is in the late 90s. I used to work at Granada Television and I was working on a show called Tonight with Richard and Judy. Okay.

And again, for the younger listeners, Richard and Judy were best known for called Tonight with Richard and Judy. Okay, yeah. And again, for the younger listeners, Richard and Judy were best known for This Morning with Richard and Judy. Yeah, I know Richard and Judy. And Tonight with Richard and Judy was like, ITV decided to give them a shot in prime time because they were so massively popular during the day. And so I was a celebrity researcher on Tonight with Richard and Judy

which meant basically I was one of the people who booked the guests and so it was a stressful job because the executive producers had very high hopes for these guests so it would

like the wish list would be right show one it's going to be Nelson Mandela and Madonna and then show two is going to be the Pope and Diego Maradona and this was the wish list, they were like come on these are the guests

we want you to get and so of course you know you would phone round people's agents or fax as we did in those days I'd fax, I remember faxing Desmond Tutu and saying would you like to be on Tonight with Richard and Judy

on ITV? It's prime time. That's going to swing. And then we wrote back and said, I'm a little bit busy with the South African Truth and Reconciliation Committee at the moment, but thanks very much for thinking of me. As if you got a reply. I know, it was amazing. And then my producer was like,

well, go back and ask him if he wants to pop over. And I'm like, you can't ask him to take a break from rebuilding his shattered nation to come over and next a song from Atomic Kitten first. Anyway, so we were trying to book guests and it was the only people who would do it because also when you do the first series of something in television no one wants to be involved with it because they don't know if it's going to be a disaster. And without wishing to spoil it for anyone, it turns out tonight with Richard

and Judy was a bit of a disaster in broadcasting terms. We did six episodes and it was a live programme. So it was live, alternate weeks from London and Manchester. And anyway, we were desperately trying to book guests. Couldn't get anyone. I mean, it was just soap stars and the occasional footballer. And then, not to desperately trying to book guests. Couldn't get anyone. I mean, it was just sort of soap stars and the occasional footballer.

And then, not to denigrate them. No, yeah. I mean, yeah. You were aiming for Desmond Tutu. We were aiming for Bishop Des. And anyway, and then I had put in a fax to Faye Dunaway, Hollywood legend, and got a fax back. And of course, because, you know, we were working not in American hours. So I came into work in the morning, checked the fax machine,

and there was a fax from Faye Dunaway's agent saying she'd love to do the programme. Thanks very much. Let's just talk about details. And I was delighted because I had not booked a single guest and I was very lazy and rubbish. And that's why I'm a comedian now because I can't hold down an office. And I'd been lazy and rubbish. And that's why I'm a comedian now, because I can't hold down an office. And I'd been pretending to phone people and been just sitting on an empty phone line. Just going, oh, that's a shame.

Oh, Madonna's a bit, apparently Madonna's busy. That's a shame. Never mind. Bye. Thanks. Thanks, Madonna. So no one could believe that I'd managed to do this booking. OK.

And anyway, so the Monday night was when the show went on and as the monday approached that weekend i was with my then boyfriend in manchester i lived in london but i used to commute between two anyway with my boyfriend in manchester and um we get back to his house and on our answering machine there was a message from faye dunaway saying oh hi i just have a few questions about the show. Please give me a call back. And I was like, oh, my God, this is amazing. I'm with Faye Dunaway on Mountain Machine.

She's one of my favourite actors. Anyway, so I phoned her back and she had like this list of demands. So she was like, hey, could you just phone Armani and just get them to get in samples for me? I'm an American size zero. So if you could just get them to send along some clothes. For something to wear on the show? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And shoes, if you could call, you know, whoever the big shoe,

the bouton or I don't know, you know, I'm not a fashion person. Anyway, but so there was and for my dressing room, I'd like club soda, not British soda water, but American club soda. And I'd like lemon mint chewing gum, not mint chewing gum, but lemon mint chewing gum. I'd like red apples, but fresh red apples. Not if they're too mushy. I don't like...

No. She had all these. But do you know what? I'm like, well, she's a Hollywood legend. Of course, you know, she's going to be a diva. You wouldn't want anything else, would you? Sure, sure. That's what you want.

You want the kind of, I don't do stairs, can I have puppies and kittens to play with, Moriah Carey kind of thing. But are you not thinking, how am I going to get these things? Well, I mean, I was absolutely in a panic. Yeah. And this is, so this is Saturday in Manchester. And then I've got to arrange it all by Monday in London.

But, you know, can do. That's my, I mean, very much wasn't my attitude. But I thought, well, I'll delegate. Someone in the office will know. So anyway, do all of this stuff. And people are running around getting all this stuff. And then get a phone call on the day from her agent saying, Miss Dunaway would like cash for the appearance fee.

And I can't remember how much it was, but they were throwing money at this show. ITV really wanted it to work. So there was money there. Oh, my God. It was over £10,000. May even have been £20,000. I can't remember the exact figure for an appearance on this yeah for like a one little interview so i then got sent to the bank and picked up a whole well i took a hold all with me and then i had you know 18 grand or whatever it was in cash in a hold all oh my god and i'm absolutely in bits and then there's part of me thinking god i could clear my student debt and just disappear because i've never like

that much cash like when would you ever and then also just absolutely panicking on the tube thinking oh my god i'm gonna get mugged and clinging onto it anyway so then i get the money uh and then get to the athenaeum hotel in piccadilly where Faye Dunaway was staying. And I had booked a hair and she'd said, I want this hair and makeup person. And I couldn't get the one she wanted, but I got some hair and makeup people. Anyway, turned up and the hair and makeup are sitting outside her room, white as sheets and shaking. And they kind of went, well, we tried to go in and start, but she sent us back out again. And so I knock on the the suite door and again we're paying for this suite we've paid for like you know first class flights over

from america oh my god and um she opens the door and just immediately is furious right absolutely furious these aren't the hair and makeup people i wanted. Where are my clothes? What's going on? I haven't seen any money. Where's the money? Oh, my God. So I go in and basically she screamed at me nonstop from the minute I arrived. So we've now got a window of about four hours to get her ready. And, I mean, I've been cranky when I've come off a flight before,

but she was absolutely another level. And so, yeah, so basically she screamed at me the entire time. Eventually I managed to and sent back all the clothes and then we had to go. I mean, there was a team of thousands scurrying around. And eventually I managed to get her in the car to go to the studios. And then she sort of calmed down. And you sort of saw like the sun emerging from behind a cloud. This lovely, amazing woman.

And I managed to talk to her about it. And I said, oh, you know, I'm such a huge fan of your movies. And she was lovely for about half an hour in the car. And then we got to the studios and she just started up again. And the minute we got to the studios, I started walking into the dressing room. And she went, no, that's it. No, it's too far. You can't expect me to walk this far.

And I was like, well, I can't move the dressing rooms. I've done everything else, but I cannot shorten the distance between. But then my producer, my lovely producer, Mark, came and flattered and cajoled and got her to the dressing room. So it's a live show and, you know, in the great scheme of things, it's not important. But in that moment in a television studio when the credits are going to roll at seven o'clock,

having a guest, as she continually did, say, I'm going to walk, that's it. And to the point that we were standing at the side of the set and she's finally been dressed and, you know know is still furious with everyone um and she asked me for some lip balm and i went to the makeup room and i was like she needs a lip balm get the lip balm and they got a lip balm and it wasn't karmic she'd asked for karmic specific lip balm and she said i'm not going i'm not going on i'm not going on and i'm

like you are standing on the set you can't do this to me but I absolutely I every second of that day was misery and torment and my friend so we'd also managed to get Goldie Hawn on the same show and my friend Joe I know what a night right yeah done away in Goldie Hawn Hollywood legends and the producers were delighted with us and so Jo had been looking after Goldie Horne and Goldie Horne was the nicest woman in show business apparently Jo said she'd had this wonderful day it was like being with an old mate or a big sister and they've been trying on makeup together and then we after the show and so I eventually Faye Dunway did her interview and I managed to offload her into a car and then waved her goodbye.

And she was still screaming at me as she left about the flight home. And I was like, bye. Good luck with all of that. I need nothing else from you now. And then we went back into the green room and Goldie Hawn was there smoking fags with us and having a drink. Oh, just having a lovely time. It makes it so much worse to know that someone else has had that kind of day. I know.

And also, but the thing is now, I think it was such a ridiculous sort of thing. And, but I kind of admire Faye Dunaway for it now. Do you? As a woman in my 40s now, and I'm sure like, I don't know how old she was when we did that show. But, you know, I think the older you get, the more you think, how glorious just not to give a damn. Yes. And also because I probably, you know, I sort of think, well,

if I'd stood up to her, what's the worst that could have happened? And now, if it happened, I would have, you know, given it back. Yes. You know, but because at the time I was such a nervous little mouse. You're just so happy to have booked someone you move heaven and earth. I couldn't afford to lose the job I mean that's the thing is that I think that is the difficulty when you are young and economically very uh precarious not that it's any better now yeah for sure you know but yeah you just can't afford to run the risk of losing a big celebrity guest. But it was, yeah, it was an extraordinary experience.

But I am, A, sort of quietly impressed. And also, if anyone's the right, she has. Also, I mean, it's given me an anecdote to tell today. This is brilliant, yes. Material, always good. Well, I've never really, to be honest, it was so traumatic that I haven't really felt able to talk about it for many years.

This is the first time. Wow, okay. I think now I'm finally far enough away from it to be able to see the funny side of it. Oh, my God. What a brilliant story, though, to have in hindsight. In hindsight? Well, even at the time. Yeah, all right.

Did you come away feeling like, what has just happened in my life? I know we were just all, I mean, we all sort of laughed at the time. It's almost like she, no matter what had happened, had you gotten everything right, she would have kicked off about something, right? It was always going to happen. She was so used to throwing her weight about. Well, also, and I do suspect that she was having a spectacularly bad day

and, you know, and you just think actually it's never really fair to do a snapshot of someone's life is never a fair representation. And I'm sure. And as I say, when I saw the sort of what she could be and how amazing and charming and engaging and, of course, stunning and had that real presence and charisma. And it's just this aura that when you meet people like that, they have all of that packaged up and can just like let it shine. Yeah. If they wanted. Yeah.

If she'd used her powers for good. Okay. Yeah. Like Goldie Hawn did. Because Goldie Hawn exactly had all that in spades. Being super cool all day. And was just, yeah, didn't give a damn in a really good, cool way. Like, yeah, I'm going to smoke where I want.

Have a drink or whatever. Yeah, exactly. And I'll just, you know, just take life as it comes amazing yeah so anyway so that is my first faye dunaway i love a personal story as well it's so good like when someone's like oh from afar i don't like you it's it's often good but when it's really personal like that it's like it's totally justified well but of course now i'm going to be on the desert island with her and i think i will wear her down so yes i choose her not in anger and spite but with a hope of reconciliation very much like desmond tutu and building those bridges after the awful um you know take that fax with you as your mantra. I will, I will, I will.

Okay, Faye Dunaway is your first choice. I think we would reconcile on that desert island. Okay, good. All right, Faye Dunaway. And who's going to be your second choice, Lucy? Okay, my second choice. Now, this is a fictional character, which is cheating slightly,

but I feel such a depth of hatred that I think it's allowable. And it's Ryder from Paw Patrol. Oh wow okay. Now this I've apologised to non-parents or you know people who haven't been exposed to children's television in the last

few years but I'm sure every parent you have on here has some issue with someone from Paw Patrol something. Is Ryder from Paw Patrol the number one? Have you got the stats? I've never had Ryder from Paw Patrol, but I cannot wait for this.

As someone that has watched a lot of Paw Patrol. He is the most irritating, whiny little dick. Yeah, he is, yeah. Well, I mean, the whole of Paw Patrol, I think, is just appalling. So for those of you who aren't familiar with it, basically, Paw Patrol is a children's TV programme. It's Canadian made, I think, is just appalling. So for those of you who aren't familiar with it, basically Paw Patrol is a children's TV programme. It's Canadian made, I believe.

And it is the most cynical. Paw Patrol is the most cynical exercise in how can we sell merch? Absolutely. What do kids like? They like cuteness and vehicles. And none of it feels like it's authentically come from a place of love and creativity. So you've got Ryder, who is a 10-year-old boy who lives in a kind of Bond villain's lair.

Inexplicably, no difference to be seen. And he controls, in a slightly sinister way, a team of dogs, each of whom have different uh skills related to their vehicles so you've got rubble who is an idiot yes like a bulldog who just eats yeah and is i don't know knocks things down yeah knocks things down has a truck, I mean, waste of space. Marshall, who's like a American style Dalmatian fire dog thing.

So, which makes sense to the North American market, I guess, that Dalmatians are somehow firefighters in their world. Yeah. And he has a firefighter's hat on. They all wear hats.

But to British people, you're like, I don't know why a Dalmatian firefighter is a thing. Yeah. And then there's Chase, Rocky,

Zoom. I mean, you don't need to know any of these. And then there's Sky. and then there's chase rocky zoom i mean there's you don't need to know any of these and then there's sky and there's sky the one female dog i mean it is it's sexist it's racist seven six seven dogs yeah and then well they they then introduced another female dog in response to all the complaints about also sky she's a cockapoo she's a cockapoo. She's a cockapoo. She is a cockapoo. You know, like the most kind of, oh, God. Not only is she a girl, but she's like a created sort of incestuous breed of, you know. I mean, not that I, sorry to anyone who has cockapoos, they're lovely. But they're mad. Yes. They're mad and inbred.

You know, kind of for their looks. Like bred for their looks. Yeah, exactly. There and in bread. But just like, you know, kind of for their looks. Like bread for their looks, right? Yeah, exactly. There you go. Exactly. She is like a sort of the Miss World of Paw Patrol. Yeah. So, yeah, it's an awful programme.

All the adult characters are irritating. There's Mayor Goodway. Mayor Goodway, yes. And her... Chickaletta. Chickaletta, yes. And there's nothing Goodway. Mayor Goodway, yes. And her... Chickaletta. Chickaletta, yes. Her chicken pet. And there's nothing about it.

It's like there's little moral stories. What I love about British television, and I think one of the things that we must protect about the BBC is its children's output because it's phenomenal. Yeah, it's great. Of course, yes, they're sort of moral, but there's always a bit of humour or some edge. I mean, admittedly, Tree Foo Tom is an absolute wanker.

Oh, that's a... Oh, my God. I mean, Tree-Foo Tom can absolutely do one. Well, Tree-Foo Tom is the British equivalent of Ryder from Paw Patrol. Because Ryder, there's nothing about him. He's a... No. He's not even written. All he is is a little moralising. He's like... You know, like when you see children who get indoctrinated into religious cults yes and they're much more zealous and evangelical

he's like that he's like they're sort of just oh you mustn't drop litter yes that's what we've learned today yeah yeah yeah it's like i just absolutely he gets a group of dogs to do his bidding yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he controls his little sort of dog minions but there's nothing charismatic about him he reminds me he's like tom cruise yeah okay he's like i've never thought that before cartoon tom cruise like that sort of absolutely dead behind the eyes he's just subscribed to an ideology yes yes and he doesn't really there's nothing beyond that he can't say anything beyond you know got sort Got sort of a Napoleon complex where he has to order the dogs around to do all of his bidding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm there. Exactly. It is an awful programme. It's terrible. And it's just like, even the animation is terrible to look at. The whole world of Adventure Bay is so poorly defined. Isn't it?

They don't even bother with peripheral characters apart from the idiot adult dicks. Yes. Then there's never any sense that anyone else really lives in Adventure Bay. It's like the Truman Show. It all ends just around that and there's nothing else going on. There's no detail at all. The first Toy Story has more detail than this. Too right.

Too right. And when you watch that now, you think, oh, wow, I can't believe, you know. Yeah, how bare it was. How groundbreaking it was. But bare when you see it now. Exactly, exactly. No, and I mean, yeah, Paw Patrol, because you had the water and there's Captain Turbot, which I presume is a very clunky homage to Captain Haddock. But Captain Turbot, who also has a sort of idiot

French cousin, which is meant to be the comic relief. And this is the thing, it's like Mayor Goodway, all the adult characters are meant to be the comic relief. But it's just so deeply irritating. It's so terrible. There's never a laugh. And there's catchphrases. It's like the worst kind of comedy. Because there's just catchphrases

and no substance. So it's, if you're in trouble, Yelp for help. Yelp for help. Rubble on the double every time. And then it pans to, it pans. It goes to a shot of him just like zooming across the road in his truck. And it's just like, it's all so crap. But you said about the BBC's children's output is really good.

And I'm right in saying it's on Channel 5, right? It's on Milkshake in the morning. Do you know what, though? I mean, I love Milkshake. It's the sort of dirty, slutty cousin of CBeebies. It is. It's like Paw Patrol is one big advert for the merchandise that you can buy.

And then alongside that are a lot more adverts for other things that you can buy. And then alongside that are a lot more adverts for other things that you can buy. It's just one rolling advert for crap that you can acquire. It is, although I'm very fond of Milkshake on Channel 5 because all the presenters are really giving it some. They are, they do. They will be the next generation of, you know like it used to be Butlin's Redcoats or whatever was the breeding ground for entertainment presenters.

It is Channel 5 Milkshake because they are absolutely brilliant and they are all triple threats. They all sing, they all dance. You're right. And I suspect they do it for less money than their BBC canterbots. I imagine they do. And they all do it with a smile on their face. They're amazing. They're amazing. In fact, Milkshake Live, I would recommend that as an experience to anyone.

I see them advertising it. It's good, is it? Amazing. I mean, we've done loads of live kids. We've done some of the CBeebies ones. And I mean, I have to say, Andy Day deserves a bloody knighthood. Really?

Andy from Andy's Dinosaur Adventures. Is he really? Oh, he's so good. And he's brilliant with children. He's amazing all the milkshake gang are amazing as well i'm so glad to hear that because i see him on tv and i think i just i worry about him andy on tv i do think i do think inside is he crying but no he loves it loves natural history loves you know is just enthusiastic about educating kids brilliant

absolutely brilliant wow if because that is always the worry as well with the kids presenters is you go oh god what if they are a troubled or horrible totally like if anyone came on here and nominated one of them for desert island dicks you'd be like oh no don't tell me please don't i don't want to know what they're really like rebecca from let's play no no come on seems loud. She's got to be really nice. Well, they all, I mean, I think, yeah, you know, you have to have

a certain resilience to work with kids because, you know, they are, they're all dicks. Yeah. Yeah. I'm finding this out.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like if you, if you're child free, then, I'm sorry, we've gone down a cul-de-sac. We have lost you for the past five minutes.

They've all switched off. So it's only those of us who are sleep-deprived and furious are still here. Oh, mate, constantly. So, Rider from Paw Patrol, mostly for? Oh, just preachy, preachy controlling. And I think secretly evil. Okay there you go um rider from paw patrol very much justified you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one

across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Thank you very much. Here's going to be a second choice, Lucy. And who's going to be a third choice?

My third choice. Yes. Now this again, right. I feel like I've got to qualify this, but I'm not going to. I'm just going to go straight in. Go for it. Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay.

Celebrity bully, Gordon Ramsay. Wow. Okay. Need I ask any more? Well, you do. I'm joking. Yeah, let's go in. Please, please.

You do need. Well, we could just leave it there. No, no, no. I want to hear. I want to hear. Right. So, Gordon Ramsay. I have gone through various emotions with relation to him. we could just leave it there no no no i want to hear i want to hear right so gordon ramsey i

have gone through various emotions with relation to him so first of all i thought that he was just a bully and just sort of symptomatic of if not causative of the horrible bullying culture that has permeated television that I hate. So I was like, oh, you know, just because you are a bit of a dick and you shout at people and, you know, you're, oh, I'm a tough boss and I get results and all that. I'm like, no, I don't want to see you on my television. I don't want to see people just being shouted at needlessly.

And I think that whole culture of restaurants and the way that chefs get away with being assholes because it's a high pressure environment and you know you've got meals to serve and it's like you're making food guys you're not you know it's not life or death yes and also even if it is life or death there's no need for people to be dicks right need to be stressful so i when gordon ramsey first emerged did not like i i put myself down as a do not like. And then I learned a bit more about Gordon Ramsay because my children, again, I'm sorry to the non-parents, but there's a programme on called Matilda,

it's Matilda Ramsay's something or other cooking. So she's now got a cooking show. And again, I was like, oh, bloody hell. So, you know, his daughter now gets a cooking show just because she's his daughter. But through watching that show, which my kids love, by the way, and does encourage healthy eating, and she seems like a really really sweet girl um i did think oh do you know what but he really loves his family he's got like all these kids

and he uh you know obviously does right by them and also i then found out that he had like a massively troubled upbringing and his dad was this itinerant alcoholic. So he had this really difficult childhood and then he became a footballer and that didn't work out. And then he became a cook. And just reading his life story, I was like, well, he is actually quite inspiring. But then I listened to his Desert Island Discs. And I don't know if you're aware of Desert Island Discs. They've sort of stolen your format. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I know of them, but I don't know much more than that. I mean, it's not a patch on this.

Don't worry. They're not going to take your crown. But I love Desert Island Discs. Absolutely love it. And I think it's a really fascinating insight into people's characters. And for me, I have long dreamed that one day I will be of a level of worth and virtue. Not for my entertainment work, James, but for my charity work. I think one day I'd like to hear Lauren Laverne

or if Kirsty's back or whoever it is say, and now we have a woman who made her name as a comedian, but of course is latterly most known for her good works and charitable enterprises. It's Dame Lucy Porter, right? And I have dreamt about that and I, you know, I don't

I'm going to confess to you, I have a little list that I think you know, every now and then that. And I, you know, I don't, I'm going to confess to you, I have a little list. Oh, yeah, good. That I think, you know, every now and then I think, oh, you know, Elvis Costello is, yeah, he's still on there. He's still on there. Oh, good, wow. You know, a little bit of world music to show that you've got,

you know, global tastes. Maybe even a bit of classical. I don't listen to it, but I feel it's appropriate for the show. It's going to make you sound cultural. Exactly. So I have thought about it long and hard. And then I listened to Gordon Ramsay's Desert Island Discs. And it gave every impression of a man who has never listened to any music.

It was like an alien has arrived from another planet. And it just infuriated me that all of his record choices were like, oh, yeah, I quite like this one. Oh, yeah, no, it's quite good. And I'll just give you a little sample. Go on, please. So his number one choice, and this is the one that he said he would keep. Yellow by Coldplay. Really?

Really? I mean, to me, no disrespect to Coldplay or to that song. They write some incredible pop songs. They do. Yeah. But to me, with that choice, you're not saying this is an insight into me or my soul. You're just going, well, this was quite popular, so I chucked it on. It's like for Gordon Ramsay, the equivalent would be if they said to me, what food item can you have?

And I'd be like, oh, I would have white bread. Yes, totally. I'd have like just, not even a make, just like Sainsbury's own label. Yeah. Medium sliced. Not this one because it's a certain batch. It's my favourite one I've ever tasted. It's just like.

Oh, it's bread. I eat that. Name a song. Name a song. Okay. Yes. Actually, that's good. Yeah.

We'll go with that. And so that infuriated me. And also he chose Brian Adams, Everything I Do, I Do It For You. Oh, no. And I think you should automatically be kicked out of the country. I don't know what should happen to you. They should say, oh, actually, it's great to have had you in, but we're not going to put this out.

Just like for you and for us, we shouldn't put this out just like for you and for us we shouldn't put this island disc is over now for you yeah that's it yeah you wasted your chance there were other people who've been sitting at home with index cards waiting to come on this yeah oh god it was just infuriating absolutely that is that is really disappointing yeah you'd like to imagine that he has you know at least you know, something other than that. You know, Beth and Lizzie or, you know, something that... I know, because actually there have been people on there with terrible, to my mind, music choices. But I don't mind.

If someone is passionate about something I hate, that's fine. But just to have no interest or passion at all. So when he talks about the music, did he know much about the band? No, not at all. It was totally an afterthought. It was like, because he chose Kim Wilde's Kids in America,

which I think is a top choice, banging tune. She's amazing. But he had, like his anecdote was, oh, yeah, my dad used to know her dad and... Just nothing about it.

Yeah, I never saw her or anything. And it's like well come on that's you really let us down yes yes so um yeah and i and i do i have weird mixed feelings about gordon ramsay and that that to me kind of confirmed i was on the fence thinking is he a dick or is he not a dick and that pulled me over to the dick yeah absolutely because i do think it also like his kids program matilda's cooking something i'm not saying it's called matilda and the gang it's on cbbc it's on cbbc you haven't made up yet but yeah when you do when you graduate um but and she you know as i say she's a lovely girl and they all seem like very nice people but there

is part of it as well infuriates me because i'm so jealous of their lifestyle because they so she cooks in their london home in their cornwall home in their la home okay and and i mean to my daughter that she loves it and she just thinks matilda's a really nice girl and she likes it for all the right reasons and i have to really bite my tongue not to be going oh yeah oh yes that's nice yeah barbecue around the pool is it yeah yeah oh that's nice that's a nice thing oh matilda's just in her lay home is she today nice my husband doesn't hold back he is furious about the whole thing but i usher him out of the room because i don't want to spoil my child's innocence but also they do do things like, so she does the cooking. Matilda, the daughter, does the cooking.

And then Gordon, like, she looks to him for tips. Okay. And then he suggests things. They did one where they cooked a fish in a car engine. What? In the programme? Yeah, in the programme. So they're in the desert, like, in, you know, some excursion or whatever.

And, yeah, they just lead this amazing life. Amazing. And then, so my lead this amazing life. Amazing. And then so my kids were like, oh, we want to try and cook fish in the car. And I'm such an indulgent mother. I was like, all right, well, yeah, we'll give it a go. Absolute disaster. Did you do it?

Yeah, I did. I thought, well, you know, I've got a sense of fun, James. Yeah, no, good for you. The car absolutely reeked of fish. Yeah. Honked for weeks. You're driving down the A1 and it's just like billowing stench of fish coming through.

Wow. And of course, they're doing it in a rental car that they're going to send back to the Audi dealership. Yeah. You've lamed it to them to be on the telly. Yeah, yeah. Whereas when you're in a 15-year-old Ford Fusion, you haven't got that option. I was going to say, it wouldn't work with the bonnet of my Megane out on the drive.

No, don't try it. Don't try it. When your kids are old enough, do not do that because it is a disaster. But yeah, so I just dislike a lot of things about him. Okay, so Gordon Ramsay, justified choice. Thank you for saying that. If that's your first choice, thank you very much, Lucy, and for your patience. Lucy, now mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane,

there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, I'm going to start with drink. Drink first. And the drink is going to be Bacardi. Bacardi. Bacardi, the white rum.

And your listeners may be thinking, who could have anything against delicious, delicious Bacardi? But there was a night, James, and it was a long time ago. This was a night about 30 years ago. Kerry O'Leary's party nice a classic in her house her mum and dad had gone away and we all went around to Kerry's and I snuck out my mum and dad were quite sort of uh strict and the only thing I could find in my house obviously I had to pretend that we were just going around to do homework and I found a bottle of Bacardi uh that someone had given my mum and dad in the back of the cupboard they didn't really drink much i took this bottle of bacardi to carry o'leary's party and i just have snapshots even now

30 years later snapshots of terrible things going to the loo i was wearing a dress with tights and i went to the loo remember to pull up my knickers didn't remember to pull up my tights and fell from top to bottom of the stairs in front of everyone i as a teenage girl was trying to impress uh was sick in the back garden and then the absolute crowning glory of that night was carrie o'leary's mum and dad in their front porch had pampas grass. I'll just leave that there. Wow. We all know what that means. I don't think they were. I don't think they were swingers.

But they had pampas grass in a vase and somebody flicked a fag into the pampas grass. It went up. I'll bet it did. In seconds. It's like pavement. It's just like... Yeah, I remember the noise.

I actually remember the sound. And somebody chucked something at it. They managed to put the fire out, but the front porch of Kerry O'Leary's house was destroyed. We all, the police arrived. We all scattered, trying not to get arrested. And it was just an awful, and I felt, and then my mum and dad obviously heard all about it

and I was in massive trouble and I was grounded for weeks. And accompanying all of those awful memories is just the smell of Bacardi. Oh, no. Right there in the back of your throat. Yeah, mixed with really cheap Coke. You know, not Coke, but like a cola. Some cola I'd managed to procure from somewhere.

Yeah, and it's always there. And even now, it's a Proustian sort of experience where if anyone opens a Bacardi or has a Bacardi anywhere near me I'm like oh and I love dark rum, I can drink dark rum it's got a really specific flavour

have you been bought one by accident before? no, I have told people that story and then they've been like oh come on, go oh, come on, go on, come on, you must be able to. Oh,

because it's going to be so fun to watch you. absolutely, it makes me heave. Really? It makes me heave. Although I don't think, I mean,

I think it's not a very nice drink. No, I would agree. Yeah, dark rum all day long. Yeah, but no, Bacardi bleh.

The afternoon and beer. No. Okay, Bacardi, a classic we often get drunk at a party. Yeah, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you do, because why else would you put off a drink?

I mean, it's got to have had some bad experience, doesn't it? Bacardi's going to be a drink choice, thank you very much. And what's going to be your food choice? Ah, now, my food. Well, I don't even think it is a food, but my husband classes it as food. It's Huel. Huel. Huel. H-U-e-l huel now this is something

that's recently arrived in our lives um my husband said oh i'm getting i might be having a delivery today i'm having some huel delivered and i looked into what it is and huel is uh it's basically slim fast for dicks okay is what it is so it's been it's been slim fast for dicks. Okay. Is what it is. So it's been scientifically devised as a full, you know, nutritionally beneficial blah, blah. It's a mixture of blah, blah, vegetable proteins, amino acids, blah, blah.

Anyway, basically, it's repackaging the idea of slim fast to tech bros. And my husband has bought into it hook, line and sinker. So this thing arrives and it's powder and you mix it in a special Huel. They give you a Huel cup. Yeah, nice. And you even get a Huel T-shirt.

And he's got this Huel T-shirt that I'm like, if you ever wear that, I will divorce you. Yeah. I think he's tempted. He's probablyshirt that i'm like if you ever wear that yeah i will divorce you yeah um i think he's tempted he's probably gonna wear all the time great is that a set yeah nice but oh my god it's just it irritates me and i don't know why because it's his life his choice you know nothing but for some reason it just feels to me like such a massive con and i'm sure it's not i'm sure it is very good for you but also because it's this idea that it's for you know busy hard-working people and he's like well you know it's for when you're too busy to have a proper meal and i'm like you're an actor no actor is too busy to make even olivia coleman can probably rustle up a sandwich in between takes definitely and yeah the whole thing just absolutely horrifies me. Someone was like, oh, there's a market here.

Oh, and it's huge. I mean, it's doing really well and people swear by it. And I mean, but to me, I just think the whole point of food is that it tastes nice. It's something to enjoy. And Huel tastes like, well, it's like a Slim Fast. I remember years ago, someone giving me a Slim Fast and saying, oh, look, you just have this for lunch. Yeah. No way. someone giving me a slim fast and saying, oh look, you just have this for lunch. Yeah, no, it's not.

It's in no way a replacement for a lovely, juicy tomato. How's he getting on with the Huel? Is it new? Has it just happened? Yeah, so he's full of the zeal of the newly converted, so I'll let you know. I'll get back to you in six months. Please do. Yeah, let me know how he's getting on with the Huel. Okay, well, Huel is

going to be your food choice. Imagine that as well, having to have that for the rest of your life. Thank you very much, Lucy. Okay, well, Huel is going to be your food choice. Imagine that as well, having to have that for the rest of your life. Damn. Thank you very much, Lucy. Unfortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. I'm very sorry. What are they and why? Okay, well, song, let's just get that out of the way because that is going to be Everything I Do, I Do It For You by Bryan Adams, as previously discussed. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you know, that was number one

for the entirety of my teenage years and childhood. It might still be for all I know. I don't even follow the charts, but it just felt like it was number one forever. And it's just one of those songs for people. I know we all find it hard to express our emotions, but that song seemed to be so popular because people were

buying it for their loved ones. If that's the emotion that you're trying to express I don't want to be in a relationship with you. No, okay. So yeah, so that would be my song and then the film, I thought long and hard about this. Oh good. Again,

I'm very tempted to go for something that the kids have inflicted on me. If you've never seen Chopkick Panda, a very artless... Chopkick Panda. What I love about it,

Kung Fu Panda spawned. There's Chopkick Panda and there's another one. I can't remember what it's called, but there's also like, you know, Karate Panda or something. Is this just spin-off stuff?

There's a whole genre of Kung Fu Panda tribute films. Ish stuff, yeah. And equally, karate panda or something is it is this just there's a whole genre okay right kung fu panda tribute films yeah and equally that as talking about sub genres the talking dog sub genre of movie is something that i am absolutely awash with at the moment so there's um pop stars and pop stars too right i've seen these yes yes. The Air Buddies, which originally... Labradors. Yeah, and then the Buddies and there's all these kind of...

Hotel for Dogs, although that is actually a bloody good film. Is it? In fact, no, yeah, The Dogs Don't Talk. That's why it's such a good film. OK. I've just realised, no, but it's a good... If you're looking for a dog film,

then Hotel for Dogs, I recommend. But anyway, I haven't gone for any of those in the end. OK, sorry. I've gone for an adult movie. Oh, yeah okay sorry i've gone for um uh an adult movie oh yeah or grown-up movie not an adult not an adult movie i don't watch those uh i have gone for taken taken with liam neeson wow okay um i just because i went to see it at the cinema and i was absolutely agog because the cinema was packed and it's a hugely popular movie. And I just found it one of the worst things I've ever seen. I just thought it was crap.

I'm there. Totally. Everything about it was laboured and formulaic and just awful movie. And like Famke Janssenanson who i love as an actress completely wasted in i mean everyone in that movie apart from liam neeson is either an untrustworthy foreigner or and the women are it's either his wife who's an absolute bitch or his daughter who is a sort of virginal you know at 17 and she lives in california you know she she doesn't know anything about

anything apparently. Oh God, the whole thing just absolutely made me cringe and I hated it. And I've got friends who really love it. It's not that I don't like an action movie. Con Air is in my top ten. Yes, Con Air was great. I mean, it's all Nicolas Cage movies in my top ten to be honest. Is it really?

He's in about three of them. Ghost Rider? Not Ghost Rider. Moonstruck, he's in my top ten to be honest is it really? he's in about three of them Ghost Rider? not Ghost Rider no but Moonstruck he's in that Raising Arizona oh that's great film he's had a great career

but Liam Neeson on the other hand no and yeah I just I really wanted it was one of those

at the end of Taken where I just wanted to stand up and turn to the cinema and just go what why did you like that what is it why I just wanted to stand up and turn to the cinema and just go, Why? Did you like that? What is it? Why? I just don't understand. Ask everyone on the way out, do Foxpops saying, Why? Why?

Yes, like those ones they have on the radio to advertise it, except it would be me just saying, Why? Why? Taken is so wrong. I remember sitting down to watch this with my girlfriend and thinking, Oh, this is, you know, people talk about this all the time this is going to be great it has that amazing line in everyone like quotes this great bit i will find you and i will kill you exactly and then sitting down and being like that's all this has yeah like all it's got is one repeatable line i think do you know

what i think about taken is that i think it's like the most embarrassing daydream that like some blokes have okay and it's like in a way it's the sort of toxic masculinity equivalent of sex in the city too where you just go there are some things that you just shouldn't air publicly right so okay say if you are a guy and you think yeah this is my fantasy is that something happens to my family and then i have to go out and have to kill people you know um and it's because to me it's like when i have my fantasy about being on desert island discs you know i mean i wouldn't air that publicly apart from on here yeah in present company yeah with you but yeah you know we all have embarrassing sort of fantasies but this to

me feels like one of those that somebody's embarrassing dad fantasy and what you want to see is the real guy who has that fantasy who isn't liam neeson who isn't sas trained yes who is just like because my dad god love my dad he used to always have strategies for what he would do if our house got broken into and he would say yeah if anyone broke into this house i would beat the shit out of them and i was like you know this was when he was 90 yeah right okay you know you've got your stick but you ain't gonna be able to wield it but i and i understand that we all have fantasies and we all have wish fulfillment and i think that's what this film taps into but it's a it's a wrong kind of fantasy and it's a weird one.

And then they went on to make how many more versions? I mean I've lost and then when he got done for being racist is that the latest incarnation of it? Oh I don't know. It's another Liam Neeson I mean he's all about revenge now. Liam Neeson's entire career is just about

taking revenge. It's like when Jason Statham, he only does that kind of B-movie action guy, right? And why wouldn't you? They're not B-movies. I'm wrong. They're massive, enormous. Yeah, they are massive, enormous.

I've made that mistake before. Sorry, they are. And as I say, I've got friends who, like one of my mates his favourite films are taken and there's a Gerald Butler one which is again it's a revenge

upstanding citizen or something something like that and it is that thing where it's like the law has deserted you and all you can do is take matters

into your own hands and I get it I get why they're popular but it's the same movie just being made time and time and time again I imagine the numbers

go down and down okay Taken and I totally get it it's just like that moment when halfway through the film

I was like is anything else going to happen I just think yeah is there going to be a character that's been fully written

and thought out no someone just wrote one line one good line and they were like that's been fully written and thought out? Yeah, it's completely developed. No, someone just wrote one line and, like, one good line and they were like, that's the hook, that's what we're going to hang all of this off. Okay, Taken is going to be a film, thank you very much, Lucy. And finally, The Island

is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? I feel, I mean, I presume everyone says this, I haven't listened to all the episodes but cat. Cat? Cats, yeah. Oh, cats.

Okay, yes. This is, okay. Yeah, I mean, how popular is it? This is top three of answers, right? Yeah, cats and dogs. Cats and dogs, cats and dogs. Because what else do we know? We live with them.

So, I mean, I will just add to the voices of people saying cats aren't my, I have two cats, I love them and I would go to the ends of the earth for them, but they are massive dicks and so useless. Like if you're on a desert island, they are entirely self-serving. You know, they have absolutely no, even for cats, our cats are fairly standoffish and selfish. And I know that they would eat me in a heartbeat. I know they would do that. Do you think so? Absolutely. God, they don't care.

We go away and our neighbour comes in and feeds the cats and plays with them. And she's like, oh, you know, it was so lovely. They were so pleased to see me every day. And oh, but I'm sure they've missed you. They'll be so pleased when you come back. And absolutely, as long as they're being fed I think it makes absolutely no odds to them who's doing it and they wouldn't care if we

died tomorrow. Really? I hate to say it but that is kind of how I feel. Are they the kind of cats that will sit on your lap and cuddle up? No. They want nothing to do with us apart from feeding and then also to wee in my shoes. That's the only other joy that my cats

no when i went to the vet because one i bless now i am being i'm being unnecessarily harsh for comic effect right i do genuinely love these cats and i wish them no will and i'm sure there is a degree of affection on their side but i was very concerned because one of the cats I've got um some silver nike trainers that I bought off ebay and I love them and um the one of the cats weed in them and I and I was concerned and I asked a cat loving friend and I said oh you know I don't know why she's sort of upset or you know and they said oh it's probably another cat's moved into the neighborhood or something you know is stressing her out um and then i washed the shoes and it sort of got the smell of cat wee out and then i went back to them realized she'd done it again and so then i thought okay well look this is clearly something there's a problem so i brought a litter tray they don't have a litter tray anymore

they go out in the garden but i thought well i'll bring a litter tray back because obviously she's nervous about something outside um so the cat who was nervous uh then refused to use the litter tray and just continued to wee on my shoes the cat who was absolutely fine midnight who absolutely has no fear of anything he then started doing all his number ones and number twos in the litter tray and he is a big cat so his poo is like human feces so i'm now stuck with i've got sorry everyone if you're having your tea while this is but i've got like this sort of reeking litter tray um i had to throw away the silver nike trainers in there because i was like there's just no way so i went on ebay and i got another pair of the same ones bring them into the house and i will leave you

to fill in the rest no yep she just there's something about them there's something about those shoes that she really likes imagine thinking i really want to weigh on that you know and it's specific because i have other shoes you know and she leaves those alone but there's something about those particular shoes and now i'm thinking well I don't think she was nervous I think she just really doesn't like these trainers she's like I'm Reeboks I'm Adidas I don't you know maybe she's concerned about sweatshop conditions or something I don't know but she anyway and now I'm thinking about I didn't need to bring the Listerine in because frankly she's fine but now I'm thinking, well, I didn't need to bring the Listeria in because, frankly, she's fine. But now I'm thinking, well, the other cat now is relying on... Anyway.

OK. Oh, my God. And they're just evil. They're just horrible animals and they bring in... I genuinely think you're right because I think that they don't care. I think it could be anyone, right? It could be, like, as long as they're being fed and someone's giving them something to drink,

they don't care. Because they're probably being fed by a bunch of other people in the street anyway absolutely they have no loyalty whatsoever but what i think is good about cats is that i think i because i really do love them like i really genuinely would be devastated if anything happened to them i love them and i imbue them with sort of human characteristics and i i you know i i give them so much and I get nothing in return. And I think that is a really good lesson in life about the nature of duty and love.

And that's what I sort of think is good for the children is because it's all very well having a dog who's great fun and who loves you and, you know. But cats, it is all about sometimes you just have to love. Right, OK. And that is its own reward. Yes, okay. So that's what I think is good about cats.

But on a desert island, worse than useless. Yes, absolutely. And to be surrounded by them for the rest of your life, it would be awful. Yeah, you'd be scratched. Yeah, that's it. Weed on. No shoes. Lucy, thank you so much for coming in.

It's been such a pleasure. It's been brilliant. I feel like it's been therapeutic. Has it? Good. And I feel terrible now about all the people I said were dicks. Do you? Yeah, well, I do think, you know, you're putting it out there then, aren't you? And I wouldn't want any of them to sort of hear about it and feel bad.

But, you know, know that I am the biggest dick of all. Okay. I battle with this all the time lucy um you do a fantastic podcast i have a podcast of my own fingers on buzzers me and jenny ryan yes we do a quizzing podcast so it's all about quiz nostalgia and the ins and outs of quizzing so if you're keen on quiz then do give it a listen and what kind of guests like who who have you had on well we've had Mike Reid amazing DJ Mike Reid

I know which we were very excited about and we're we're trying we're desperately lobbying to get Henry Kelly

because we're obsessed with going for gold he'd be great so yeah so that's our hope and we've had

yeah all kinds of the question setters from Only Connect which I'm obsessed with and Rick Edwards who presents Impossible so

some brilliant guests on there Look it up, it's a lot of fun And of course Jenny Ryan is your She's on the chase She's the vixen In our house, the children that was like the earliest thing that they sort of ever heard

was the chase theme tune and you still whenever it's on they're like oh what's on there's like they're like oh oh the ears pick up oh what's this I know this yeah that's nice

and if people want to find you where can they where can they find you I am on the social media at Lucy Porter

comic on both insta and twitter nice well thank you so much Lucy such a pleasure thanks for having me.