Desert Island Dicks - LUKE KEMPNER

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

Actor, comedian and impressionist, Luke Kempner joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspodLearn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Well, well, well, if it isn't Dan Benedictus from Desert Island Dicks talking at you about another episode of Desert Island Dicks. This week featuring comedian and impressionist Luke Kempner. I really enjoyed this episode. He's a funny guy. His impressions are good. Watch out in particular for the bit where Geoffrey Boycott is talking about his egg consumption. I found that particularly amusing. But look, you haven't listened yet. It's all just there waiting for you to discover. So I hope you enjoy it as well.

I'm going to keep this fairly brief. Let's get into it. It's Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and impressionist Luke Kempner. How are you? I'm very good, Daniel Benedictus. Daniel, is your name part of the sort of Desert Island

Dicks? Is it sort of Desert Island Dictus? Is that sort of part of it or is that? No, it's just a coincidence. I mean, my friend James originally started this podcast and I took over after a couple of years. So now it's just a coincidence. I mean, my friend James originally started this podcast and I took over after a couple of years. So now it's just married up perfectly. So perfect. Yeah. No, I'm very well, my friend. Very well.

Nice to see you. And you. And lovely to go. I mean, I'd be so crap on a desert island. So in getting the worst things I can imagine on with me, I think this is an absolute recipe for disaster for me I mean it's uh it's not a comfortable situation that you're going to put yourself in but hopefully it's one that can be fairly cathartic okay was it easy choosing the people at least for your

desert island hellscape not massively easy um I I sort of I tried to to a range of people I mean I did also I'll be honest with you daniel i have picked people that i do impressions of as well because i thought that would work well for audio uh but but they are they are it's difficult isn't it because it's like when you do impressions and when you're in the media there is a good chance that you could bump into these people um and so i was you know even with like piers morgan like piers morgan's such an obvious choice and i imagine he's been given before but like i've met piers morgan and i as much as i as on stage i'll do jokes about piers morgan taking

the piss out of him and him being you know saying oh yeah you know i've never been so insulted since megan didn't turn up to the date we definitely had but there there's something about doing it on the podcast that I felt uncomfortable. I don't know why, but I felt uncomfortable with. So I've not picked Piers Morgan, but I have gone for a few that generally rile me up. Well, I mean, if it makes you feel better, he has been covered extensively on this podcast. I would have thought so. Yeah, I think. We did have a spreadsheet that kept track of the people most picked, but I think he's firmly up at the top there now.

Well, I'm glad I didn't go with him then. I mean, to be honest, you would add something new because you can do an impression of him, whereas I've just said the same thing over and over again a lot of the time. OK, well, let's get into it. Let's find out who did make the shortlist then. Who's the first person going to be joining you on the island? I don't know how niche this is, really. Are you a cricket fan, Daniel, at all? I'm not a huge cricket fan, but I did find myself drawn into the Ashes recently because my brother is obsessed by it and he was watching,

and I thought this is actually not a bad way to watch sport. Oh, it's wonderful. I tell you, Wednesday, I've booked the day off. I'm going to go and meet Ben Clark from Pappies. I don't know if you know Pappies, the fantastic sketch group. Me and Ben Clark

are going to watch the cricket all day in London. Oh, it's going to be lovely. But I'm a big cricket fan, so I've picked Sir Geoffrey Boycott. Okay. So if you don't know

Sir Geoffrey Boycott, he's a dog like this. He's a Yorkshireman and he's from, he's probably late 70s and he's a commentator, but he doesn't like anything. He's very, very boring. He was known for spending a lot of time at the crease, batting, taking forever.

He doesn't like anything new. I don't think he really likes women much. It's just something about him that is whinging tone. I just think on a desert island, he would be the worst person to have with you. He's so negative. And I just don't, I think we're going to need positivity if I'm alone on this island. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, what I know of Geoffrey Boycott is, I mean, not great. He's someone that people only talk about with caveats. You know, it's like, yeah, yeah, he's like this and he did all this bad stuff. But, you know, for England, as a batsman, he was really good. Blah, it's like, yeah, yeah, he's like this and he did all this bad stuff. But, you know, for England, as a batsman, he was really good, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like no one ever goes, oh, yeah, Geoffrey Boycott, legend.

They always have to caveat it very heavily. So already he seems like a brilliant candidate for Desert Island Dicks if he's someone that always needs a caveat. It's like you don't like, it's like when you go, oh, James is coming later. I mean, he's a bit handsy but he's all right he's all right he's all like then all those people that you go oh yeah

he's a he's a terrible drunk but honestly he's a lovely bloke i'm like no if he's a terrible drunk it's a terrible person don't invite him on the stag do um so like i feel like jeffrey is a bit like you're absolutely right if there's too many caveats you don't want them there he's someone that just has such a moany tone of voice like you said like you ably demonstrated um that even if he was in a really great happy mood you'd just still find him real you know it's like just telling you about how beautiful the sunset is or the peace and quiet on the island and the tranquility it would still sound miserable and irritating i think absolutely and i also think like you know you two or three days in,

you'd sort of find your routine. You know, you'd be like, right, we get the fish from there. You go and get that. I'll start the fire. I mean, he's quite old. So I'll probably be doing the main, you know, the sort of labor work of going and get, you know, he can start the fire and get all that going, get the coffees.

I don't know how we're getting coffee, but I'll go and do the fishing. Right fishing right but i feel like you know i'll be like right you know what we've done this for three days maybe i'll go and try and find some chickens well there's some little rats there we could eat them and uh and i just feel like i know we've got it right now we get the fish in the morning and we're going to do that for the next 30 years i just feel like he's not going to be very spontaneous and i'm going to need that i'm quite 30 years. I just feel like he's not going to be very spontaneous. And I'm going to need that. I'm quite a spontaneous guy, Daniel. I need that spontaneity.

And Geoffrey is going to be killing that. Yeah. Part of me is like, oh, he's not going to be very adventurous. And I thought, well, you know, in his cricketing days, he probably travelled all around the world to places like, you know, like the Caribbean and India and stuff like that. And then I remember reading somewhere about him, about how during his prime he just stopped going to India because of his tummy.

He just didn't want to go. So he just stopped playing international cricket because he was like, oh, no, don't like that food. This is exactly why he'd be awful. Because he'd be sitting there, no, don't eat that. Have you got any plain white bread? I'd eat plain white Yorkshire tea, plain white bread, and he won't eat any of the fruits that I go and find.

Because I think I'd put all that effort in. I'd be like, look what I made here. I've made our version of spaghetti carbonara with some vines and some milk from a coconut. And I just think he'd just be like, no, I don't like this rubbish, tropical rubbish. No thanks. Just complaining about like you finally catch a fish and there's too many bones in it for him or something.

I think he'd just starve to death quite quickly, actually. So maybe that, because he's old, man. He's old and frail. So I'm thinking, you know, I've got to pick people that are dicks, but pick ones that are going to be off soon. Because then, you know, you get rid of the dicks but pick ones that are going to be off soon because then then it you know you get rid of the dicks yeah i've actually i've i've got it's a loophole i think well but also i mean isn't he simultaneously quite dull but also has quite a fiery temper which is sort of like a really bad comp it's like if you're going to be dull at least don't get in my way or just sort of you know be very passive but if you're dull and angry it just feels like the worst case

scenario it's that drone it's that the thing is though what like you say there's a caveat of is this this and this but also as a commentator there is something wonderful when england are doing badly so i'd like to think you know if i was because also i'm not i might be spontaneous but i'm not the most practical um so i feel like everything i get wrong he would compound it with oh i don't know why you did that in the first place you know the way you went and got there you know the chop the way you're chopping wood that's never going to work that wood's too wet you know and that's like why did you get that fish that's clearly poisonous he'd just be he'd just make you oh god shut up we used to have these people i used to play cricket you know village cricket and like you'd go for a quick rundown of the rules of cricket it's very

simple you hit the ball you run right people always think it's very very complicated it isn't really the ball gets bowled to you you hit the ball and you run. But sometimes if you don't run to the other end in time, you get out because they knock the balls off. And I remember when I used to play village cricket, you'd do that and then you'd be walking off because you just got out and there'd always be some miserable old cunt, like Geoffrey Boycott, sitting there going, there wasn't a run there.

Oh, was there not? Oh, great. Because I thought, oh, is it not? I've realised that now. And I just feel like that's what he'd be like. Just so negative. Yeah. That tiger was always going to bite you, was it?

So that's why I fucking dig him. Yeah. No, I totally agree. I think that personality in a survival situation would just be absolutely just excruciating to deal with. And the fact that, you know, he'd probably just give you a clip around the ear when you did something wrong, which would be most of the time in his mind. And it's an old man's clip around the ear as well. Do you know what I mean?

Like a sort of shaky, veiny, very tanned. I feel like he'd get a banging tan because he's got Yorkshireman arms they tan very well and he'd just give it a sort of bony shaky clip around the ear which would feel worse because he wouldn't even hurt

but it would just be sort of oh god get off yeah and if you complained it's because you're a snowflake and in his day it would have been much harder in his day

and oh yeah in my day we survived on desert islands once a week yeah he would yeah you can okay you know my day we survived on desert islands once a week yeah it would yeah you can just you know what there's obviously we get a lot of choices on this podcast but some of them they just sort of write themselves in your head you can just imagine how he's going to be on the island and i think it's a superb first choice so let's find out who's going to be joining him who's your next choice my second choice right is ted hastings

from the line of duty right so the line of duty is a bbc gritty police drama about anti-corruption within the police force and ted hastings he's the chief of police he's a guy from belfast and he's just always about doing what's right and doing everything to the letter, the law fellow, the letter. And the reason I've picked him is he's a sort of, it's not that he's negative. I just feel like, you know, when things are going well, he'd sort of just go, he'd always try and do everything by the book. And I feel like, again, Desert Island, you just got to go with the flow a bit, day by day.

And I just feel like he's going to be like, well, you know, I don't know if you want to try that fruit. I'm going to have a wee look in the book. It says here that it's poisonous if you eat it in February, but it's up to you. You can try it, fella. I just feel like it'd be a bit of that and he'd be like, oh, come on. Yeah, you need a bit of looseness on the island just to stay alive.

And, yeah, the last thing you need is someone sort of looking over your shoulder and is like, you know, are you sure you're allowed to do that all the time? It's like, oh, great. You know, like in Castaway, loads of stuff washes up on the beach and he uses it to his advantage. But now you've got this guy. He's like, well, that is technically addressed

to someone else there. I don't think you should be opening all these potentially life-saving packages there, Luke. Yeah, how do you know it's for a year could it be there could be someone else on the island i also i think that i think about like these desert things and i don't always think about survival i just think about being bored i always feel like i will be right but then it's the boredom that would get me so even like we'd like start to play a game i'll be like you know we'd like jeffrey would be up for a bit of cricket right so? So he'd find a little ball, I'd make a bat out of a trunk or something.

And then, and I just feel like he'd be like, well, I don't know exactly 22 yards. I don't know if that cricket pitch is exactly, I need to check the rule book. And I just, I feel like that would just grate on you. And I think like the combination of him and jeffrey together would just be this constant white noise of kind of droning complaining sort of like maybe like they probably wouldn't like each other but they'd sort of keep talking to each other you know

they'd wind each other up but also have a sort of a core value in common where they just sort of want to complain about everything that's wrong in the world agreed i tell you where i do think they would be good and i think it's interesting i picked two of them is that jeffrey boycott captain of england captain of yorkshire he's a leader right and ted hastings chief of police he's another leader i am definitely not a leader right i've i've tried to be captain of cricket i'm not a leader right i'm very much tell me what to do and i'll do it and i'll very much try my best and i'll try i'll be there for the banter i'm very much like and what i make up with my terrible sporting ability is good banter but i just feel like having some leaders, I know you've got to pick dicks, which they are,

but having some leaders is going to be to our advantage, actually. But then maybe they would get on each other's nerves. Yeah, do you think either one of them would tolerate being led by the other? That's where I think the jeopardy comes in. I know, but do you know what? I actually think they would really get on with each other, which actually makes it worse, because then I'd be like,

because I love a little gossip, love a little bitch, and I'd be like saying to Ted, I'd be like, oh, Geoffrey's moaning again. And he'd go, well, he might be moaning, but a lot of the problems he's talking about, I totally agree with. There'll be a lot of that, which would be annoying. But I do think they would help with survival.

Old heads, they wouldn't panic neither of them would panic which I would be panicking as soon as we got there um so they're dicks but I do think they're going to help with our survival okay interesting yeah I mean I sort of envisage a scenario where you're chopping wood or doing something one of them tells you you're doing it wrong. You go off to the other side of the island to do some other task. And then the other one just pops up. It's like, Oh,

still doing it that way. Are you? Despite everything we said, you know, I just think you're going to be bouncing between the two, which is going to make it very uncomfortable. But that's what we're all about here on Desert Island Dicks. Do you know what they do?

It's that sort of like, you know, even after we've been there for like a month and we're like and i'll be like right i'm off to get the firewood from that particular tree that always there's always dry wood around there so i'm going to go there and they'll be like you know what route are you taking and i'll be like well i'll just go the way we always go oh no i wouldn't go that way it's like that like my dad used to do this it'd be like which way are you coming and i'll be like i don't I'll just go the way we always go. Oh, no, I wouldn't go that way. It's like my dad used to do this. He'd be like, which way are you coming? And I'd be like, I don't know. I'll put the sat-nav on.

No, I'd go A1 and then go M25, come off at junction 16. It's such a weird generational thing. Tell me I'm wrong. I don't think anyone who's born in the 90s is worrying about what direction, what motorway you're taking. You just chuck on the sat-nav and follow it. Yeah. I don't know if it's like,

I sort of worry that it's happening to me sometimes, like as a parent, I'm like, I've just, I'm so used to giving these two boys instructions about everything all the time. I totally get why it's like, I can be in my forties and my mum will still tell me to go to bed or that I

look hungry or something like that. You know what I mean? I'm like, because that's just become such a relationship with people. I hope it's not true because I really don't want it to happen to me. I just want to be like a normal person. But you're right though. Rather than just a, yeah. You're right though.

I've got a one and a half year old and all these things that I didn't think i would do but like things that used to annoy my dad used to know him when he he like he'd tell me off for doing something before i'd done it so i'd be like don't put that somewhere where it's going to fall off right and i'd always be like you can't have a go at me i've even done it like but when you know your child that well and especially when you've known them before they even know themselves you know i know what my daughter's gonna do most of the time i'm like when you're getting on the chair and you're barely trying i know you're gonna fall off and hit your head cry and that's us for half an hour so i'm like be careful when you're just just be careful be careful and and like so i just do think that's just a parent thing you just become protective and and annoying yeah but i think

they're gonna like so now you're on an island you've basically got two annoying dads because i think they would just automatically assume that role so uh yeah it's not looking great for you no but you know a lot might hinge on this final choice so who's going to be the third person let's see who's added to the mix well look i i feel like this guy's going to be a good dude right he's australian um so i feel like he knows how to deal with dangerous animals because they're all you know that's all they do in australia isn't it dealing with the snakes and tarantulas and stuff so i feel like he's good with that but he's a singer he's an actor so it's hugh jack interesting. Now, the reason I don't, I think Hugh Jackman was a dick

is because, now, I'm musical theatre background, right? I was in the musicals. I went to drama school. I was in Les Miserables. I was in South Pacific Avenue Q. So I did musicals for about four years before I went into comedy. But when Hugh Jackman played Jean Valjean and when he played great the lead in barnum and greatest showman and he was in oklahoma his voice really annoys me right because he's got this weird

singing thing so where he'll go like um you know in les mis like when he sings Bring Him Home, it's like he's got this really slow vibrato. So he goes, bring him home, bring him home. And it honestly, it does my head in. And like he over sings everything where it's like, you know, even in Greatest Showman where he's like, a million dreams is all it's going to take. I just can't, I can't deal with it. Is that enough to make him a dick?

Yeah, no, it definitely is. Yeah, I think, because I think anyone, correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like the sort of person that has been in a couple of successful musicals isn't going to switch that off for the island. I think he will walk around singing quite a bit. I think Hugh Jackman, if he could sing in every... I'm surprised he doesn't do it at Wolverine. Look at my hands.

There's so much power. I feel like it's just like he's going to be singing all the time. Whistle while I work. And you'll be like, oh, God, shut up. Yeah, and then he's going to find out that you've got a history of musical theatre and he's never going to let it go, even when you just want to be normal guys on the island i don't want to talk about that i mean there might be a little night where we put on a talent show fine you know

and then we'll do a lovely duet and he can just sing quietly um but it's just i can't honestly every time i'd hear him singing i would and i'm also I wouldn't say anything I would just let it annoy me for forever but that but that would be worse because even though there's a part of you that you know you must enjoy like these songs and it would be quite nice to have a sing song with someone on the island if you're a bit bored but that person's voice irritates the shit out of you so you're like I'm trapped between these two guys telling me what to do all the time. Why don't I just go and have a nice little sing-along with Hugh?

But I can't because I hate him. And that's the thing, because I would actually be quite interested to hear his stories of like, you know, I think he's an amazing actor. He's been in so many amazing films. And I'd love to sort of ask him about those experiences. He clearly likes musical theatre. He's done loads of Broadway musical musicals i'd love chatting about that and then but i feel like he's that kind of guy like he would just go you know no yeah you know

like yeah i remember when i was doing oklahoma and it was you know i remember as soon as i went on and i started oh what a beautiful man and he'd sing in the middle of the anecdote and i'd be like oh you've ruined it now i thought i don't remember it because that is that is annoying yeah there's a certain thing about like certain kinds of when you get to a certain level of fame it's not you get the feeling it's like you're having a normal conversation but there it's like you're not on graham norton now can we just have a normal conversation like there's no audience but it's like they're sort of saying it in a way that they're still expecting studio applause after it yes some comics do it they start doing routines in the middle middle of dinner and you're like what you doing mate i can i can tell you have tried this in front of several audiences

what are you doing why are there gags why have you got toppers in what are you doing so like and i feel like yeah you're right he's so he's gonna constantly think he's on a chat show and he'll keep singing so it's like i'm an impressionist right so yeah in this conversation i'm gonna be chucking in some impressions because this is entertainment what we're doing here but when i'm having a normal conversation i don't start whacking out impressions it'd be really awkward i feel like yeah he's he's i don't feel like he's gonna know the difference between us just having a chat getting on getting through the day yeah and it's a shame because he seems like a decent guy like he seems fundamentally all right you know i think it's hard to sort of go ah hugh

jackman what a bastard remember that thing he's but it's just it's annoying like i've got a real thing about like people singing or rapping at me yeah or like you know you're drunk in a bar and someone wants to be an MC and they're like, oh, like it's so cringy for me. So I think being on the island with a Hugh Jackman type, just singing all the time, it would end me. It'd be awful. Well, when I used to be in musical theatre,

I was in a show with someone who would aggressively sing songs at you. Like it was a guy I really didn't get on with. And like, I can get quite easily irritated. I get on with um and like i can get i can get quite easily irritated i get on with people but i can people can irritate me quite easily and this guy used to he didn't like me for some reason i was only young i was only like 21 i don't know why he didn't like me but he would sing like he would like we'd be like you know about to start a show and we'd be like just about to start the second half so be in the intervals waiting for the

the interval to finish waiting in the wings waiting to start the second half. So be in the intervals, waiting for the, the, the interval to finish, waiting in the wings, waiting to start. And then he would just be looking at me and going tomorrow, tomorrow. And like looking me right in the eye. I love you tomorrow year only. And then he'd wait for me.

And then I'd be like a day away like that. And it'd be right in your face. Smelly, smoky breath. It it was over rather he'd punched me that's how aggressive it felt yeah at least with the punch you're like oh why the hell did you do that but like being sung at it's like this mixture of like anger but you can't be rude to them because they're sort of doing this thing which is ultimately a little bit vulnerable and you know you don't want to offend them but it's like it's

oh it's just so people used to love him that's why everyone used to have people that love it and he'd be like dancing around doing like full-blown routines from like mary poppins doing like super casual fantasy ex-maledosis and he'd be like doing the full routine and everyone be like oh my god they're so amazing oh my god you're so talented but and i'll be like oh god this is why i need to leave this and go and pursue a comedy career bye-bye yeah let's stop allowing this sort of behavior oh this is this is not normal in this country just be miserable like the rest of us come on okay well luke i think you've done a really good job choosing your people and it's already

feeling quite uncomfortable and i'm not even going to be on the island but i mean i feel for you at this point thanks buddy but mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad eggs eggs do you like eggs i do like eggs yeah oh no they smell of fart why would you want to eat anything that stuff that smells nice eat it stuff that smells like fart and fart smells like poo don't eat it i don't like the texture i and also like that everyone goes yeah but what about scrambled egg like scrambled egg no i don't like a scrambled egg because it's egg they're like what about boiled egg well obviously not right boiled eggs the worst because they really stink like farts and then like even like omelets like the texture that a flan no like there is i remember

once having a coronation chicken. Someone had shoved a load of egg in it. Donut, we shoving egg in coronation chicken. I hate eggs. Sorry. No, it's fine. Like, I mean, I think they're... They're one of those things that are very sort of,

you know, everyday item and they're used in fucking everything. So in a way, they're sort of like this key component of so many things like protein yeah and they're this really amazing useful thing but they're inherently quite a weird thing as well you know when you think this was shat out by a chicken yeah like this is you know chickens period and then i'm just gonna crack it i didn't have it for my breakfast like i mean they're bizarre bizarre things. People love them as well.

And people get really annoyed at me when I say I don't like eggs. They're like, you don't like eggs? I'm like, yeah, I don't like eggs. They're like, oh, come on, eggs. I'm like, no, honestly, I hate them. And I can only eat an omelette if I have taken away all the flavour and texture of egg with cheese, bacon, hot sauce, everything. So it's basically not an egg.

And like, obviously I can have it in cakes and stuff like that. You know, you don't know it there. But the worrying thing is, is that if we find some chickens and they're laying eggs, we've got to be getting in on those on the desert island. Yeah, because, I mean, keep the chicken alive and you can eat for a lot longer than if you just eat the chicken straight away. Exactly. keep the chicken alive and you can eat for a lot longer than if you just eat the chicken straight away exactly you know jeffrey boycott telling you like i've had i've had 14 eggs a day for 48 years and it's never done me any harm god he would as well as like i sleep with eggs on my face it's good i've also i i've washed with eggs and you're absolutely right dan. I've eaten eggs for the last 25 years. Four eggs in the morning.

They're pre-raw. Oh, God. Horrible. Horrible, man. You know people who just down a load of eggs, like gym people? Oh, yeah. I mean, watching Rocky when he does that, that makes me feel really... I think at least with that, in, gone, done.

It's the sort of people who just have a boiled egg, just go, you know, there's like in Pret-a-Manger, you can buy a pot of a boiled egg and about three spinach leaves for about seven quid. What are you doing? Yeah, that's the one area that I find like hard boiled yolk, I find very hard to deal with. And the idea of eating like a hard boiled egg on its own, that really freaks me out. So it's weird because there's something I eat a good few times a week. I'll have eggs. Yeah. But then in that form, I'm like, it's sort of kryptonite to me.

So they are weird, strange, versatile things. And if you touch it, if you're cracking them open, you get a bit of shell in, you have to put your fingers in and get the shell out. You're like, I mean, this you touch it, if you're cracking them open, you get a bit of shell in, you have to put your fingers in and get the shell out. You're like, I mean, this is fucking mad, this thing. Oh, my God. The only time, actually, the only time I can eat eggs is in a carbonara.

A traditional Italiano, la carbonara, is no cream, just using the luavo the egg and like that tastes beautiful so i will allow it in a carbonara where it doesn't taste or look like egg yeah i mean that just a taste of cheese and like a cream yeah you're just making a texture yeah yeah yeah i think i mean even for an ardent egg fan the idea of just having to eat eggs all the time, and obviously they've come off a plane, so they're going to be like cold, hard-boiled shit eggs, aren't they? You know when the yolk, there's that sort of like grey colour to the hard-boiled yolk?

And it's like, I don't know how that happens, but that I find just quite eerie. I always find it funny on I'm a Celeb when it's like they have to eat a fermented egg. And I'm like, just put a hard-boiled egg. I would find this as difficult. Horrible. So, sorry, it's eggs. That's okay. So what are you going to wash them down with your eggy meal?

Ken, this might surprise you. Champagne. Interesting. Okay. I hate champagne. And it's seen as such a lovely thing. And it's a present people buy you. It's at fancy parties.

And it's like, or at a restaurant, let's start with some champagne. And I'm quite happy, actually, because I'm comfortable with my hatred of champagne. I find it quite acidy. It gives me headaches. I find it quite acidy. It gives me headaches. I don't like the taste. I don't get anything out of it. And I've now accepted that I don't like it. Same with, like, I like pints of beer on a really sunny, hot day,

and it's just like, ugh, love that. But, like, I don't, if I go out to a stag do, it's like, shoot, 12 pints. No, I love a lovely gin and tonic, thanks. And I'm the same with champagne. I just don't have it anymore because I don't like it. And I think it's okay to not like champagne. Yeah, definitely.

I mean, I think it's really tasty, but as a first drink. And if you have it any time other than your first drink, like if you've been drinking anything else, it's like, oh, do you want a bit of this? You of this you're like yeah sure i'll have a bit of bubbly and then it's like okay i can taste how ill this is going to make me feel tomorrow you know like very like vicious hangovers i have never had a sip of champagne and thought that's lovely ever i've done that with coffee i've done that with all every cocktail but just champagne i just feel like i don't i'm not into it prosecco's worse i'm not having it and i'm now i'm quite happy that i now just go

no i don't want a glass of champagne thank you yeah it's quite a nice feeling when you become comfortable enough with decisions that you're like this is me and i'm happy and i'm like because i think champagne i think is i think it's really nice but I also think it's one of those things there's certain things in life where like I used to feel that like before I liked olives which took me 35 years it's one of those things like if you don't like them it's because you're uncultured rather than the fact that you just don't like the taste there's certain things in life it's like if you don't enjoy Shakespeare you're an idiot you know if you don't like olives it's like if you don't like champagne like well like why won't you have an oyster you know it's like it's not just about not liking the taste it's just it's like it runs deeper than that and you're judged for it well I feel like I should

be um commended for not liking champagne because it's saying that I like because people drink champagne I don't think anyone likes it actually i think they just drink it because it makes them feel rich and i i'm comfortable with not being rich so i i would rather have a rubbish red wine than than a three thousand pound bottle of champagne i think it means i'm sticking to my working class roots so i think i should be commended for not being into champagne i just think it's it's a drink that has a short window like it's not something you can carry on just drinking all night you know without feeling ill so if that's the drink you're trapped with you know if you had to drink it for a long time it would be better to have a shit red wine than than yeah champagne i think i tell you i tell you though jeff Jeffrey would love a glass of champagne. I bet. Yeah. Even though I know he's a traditional guy, but I still feel like, you know, as he's got older and he gets to go to all these fancy cricket games, there's always going to be fancy champagne.

It was quite a rich man's sport. I feel like he'd love champagne. I feel like Ted's Ted probably doesn't drink because he's always on the job. And Hugh, I reckon Hugh drinks champagne as well, actually. Oh, I think he loves a bit of champagne. But then I think he'll start going on about how much better the Australian sparkling wines are actually these days. He would. And how he has shares in a vineyard that produces an exceptional vintage.

But Ted would come and go, well, that isn't actually champagne because it's not from the Champagne region. And then they'd talk about that phrase and you'd hear that argument. And then I'd come in with, oh, well, you know, in England, it is actually hot enough to make champagne now. All that sort of stuff. Oh, God. I feel like Geoffrey would enjoy champagne, as you say,

but he would never be able to not reference how, at heart, he's a proper bitter man. Oh, yeah. So we know you're bitter, Geoffrey. Yes, exactly. But I think he'd always have to go on about whatever he drinks at home. Oh, he'd bombard you. I like a lovely pint of bombard you.

Sit outside, one pint, and I'd drink that over a series of days. Okay, well, that's your food and drink sorted. But we're going to move into another area luke because fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why okay my least favorite song is from the musical rent right and it is it's the one that goes 525 600 minutes think about love seasons of love is what it's called, right? I hate it because I love musical theatre. I'm a massive musical theatre fan. Studied it, performed in it, adore it.

I love musical theatre. I don't like shit musical theatre. And I feel like Rent is a show that it's like, musical theatre fans, oh my God, I love Rent. Oh my God, it means so much to me. It moves me so much. And it's the sort of thing, like, if you're around, like Hugh Jackman would get involved.

If you're around and someone's got a piano, everyone just starts playing those chords. Ding, ding, ding. And everyone goes, oh my God, come on, we're going to sing Seasons of Love and do all the harmonies. Oh, fuck off. Like, honestly, I hate that song so much. There's so many good songs like that is what make people who don't like musical theatre say, I hate musical theatre. I'm like, no, you've just heard that you've heard joseph like there's thousands of fantastic musicals that's put you off ones that have become too popular yeah i mean on this podcast we get a

lot of mentions of musicals i have to be honest you know but i think there's like you say there are types i'm not a big fan but there's like a uh you know there are obviously are musical films that i have enjoyed and think of fun you know but there's i suppose rent is a sort of like like you say like the stereotypical kind of quite worthy very kind of wordy songs like because some i think when when i like him it's like okay this is a good song in its own right but sometimes it's just a musical theater kind of song you know yeah but like this someone said to me tom rosenthal the comedian said to me the other day he was like i hate musicals and i was like i was like what do you hate films like like are there certain what films do you like like you

there's some films i don't like there There's some films I don't like. There's some musicals I don't like. There's some musicals that are absolutely brilliant. Hamilton is absolutely amazing. I can't understand people who don't like Hamilton. There's a musical called Parade, which is one of my favourite musicals I've ever seen. It was at the Donmar in 2007, I think.

And it's about a serious subject the songs are phenomenal the songs move the story on the songs are supposed to happen in musicals when they can't say it anymore and they can sing it that's what makes it different to a play

like but yes Joseph going I close my eyes cheesing at the camera like obviously that's shit and there are lots of shit musicals, but there's loads of absolutely brilliant ones, and I get annoyed at

musicals that have killed off people's interest in musicals, because they can be fantastic. Fair enough. Yeah, I mean, I think that song that you've picked is a very good example of many of our ideas of what a musical is exactly and it's it's

exactly the sort of thing that even if you don't like it it'll really burn its way into your head you know because like it's really hit obviously by its nature it has to be easy to understand all the lyrics and hear them very clearly so you can really just soak it up and it'll just be with you all the time hugh singing it like you said 525 000 he'd really overdo it as well oh it's quite an unpleasant podcast this i know i'm sorry i'm sorry it does still manage to bring joy to many so just think of the bigger picture schadenfreude for others yeah yeah but i'm sorry you're the fall guy this time. But just to stop on that, the word schadenfreude, there's a musical called Avenue Q, which if people don't know it,

it's like Sesame Street for adults. It's absolutely brilliant. There's songs like The Internet is for Porn, sung by Trekkie Monster, who's basically supposed to be Cookie Monster. Grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn. It's a really funny song there's a song called schadenfreude which is all about actually the stuff we like you know like when you're in yeah yeah um being in an elevator when someone shouts hold the door and then the door slams

stuff like that there's a really funny stuff in that show it's amazing like just people need to chill out it really annoys me when people say they hate musicals because it's like you just haven't seen any yet. You've seen shit ones. Fair enough. Well, you know what? I think it's fair. I've made my point. No, I think it's good that we've had like a proper, an eloquent right to reply on this show because we have given musicals a bit of a pasting over the years.

So I think that's the thing. But I think also because you hate this one and Hugh is going to love it and then he's going to be like, come on, Luke, I thought you loved musicals. What's wrong with you? Let's sing it together. No, no, no, you do the harmony.

You do it. Oh my God. And he'd do the higher harmony as well to show off. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, that is your song choice. What is your film choice? This is a tough one, right?

Because the film I've chosen is Bohemian Rhapsody. Now, I love Queen. Huge Queen fan. Adore Freddie Mercury. He's my idol. I love Queen so much with all my heart. Been to see them live with Adam Lambert. Absolutely fantastic. I just hated this film. Queen so much with all my heart been to see them live with Adam Lambert absolutely fantastic

I just hated this film I felt like the over dramatised bits that didn't need to be over dramatised I thought it was really cheesy I didn't like the sort of like they'd turn up at Freddy's house and be like

notice anything new and he'd be like oh the moustache, the moustache? Yeah, the moustache. Like it? It's like, why is this a scene? I just didn't. And everyone really likes that film. I think it's that thing if everyone goes, oh, my God, Bohemian Rhapsody is so amazing.

And like Freddie Mercury, oh, my God, it's so tragic. They changed the dates as well. They changed when he got HIV. And I just felt like you changed me she didn't need to change the story's tragic enough as it is i don't even think i need to see a film about it um because it's so sad like i just i don't like that other people like it because i feel like i'm that annoying thing of like we haven't read the book it's sort of like that it's like the true story is more tragic and more interesting

than this version i i just sort of feel like like i you know i like queen and i think freddie mercury is obviously incredible but i i kind of get to the point where it's like like i'd watch a documentary about him and the band but i don't think i want to you know like i haven't watched this film because it's like well it's a bit long i don't really care that much But I don't think I want to, you know, like I haven't watched this film because it's like, well, it's a bit long. I don't really care that much. And I don't want to sort of, when I've seen clips of it, it just, like the example you gave,

it just feels a bit unnatural and clunky and stuff. It's a bit on the nose. But then it can be done right because the Elton John one with Taron Egerton like is amazing. I loved that film. And I love Elton John as well but I thought that was a fantastic film so I think it can be done right just don't think I did it right

with Bohemian Rhapsody I would watch it but I feel like Hugh's gonna be like oh you know this is great I love Queen and this really captures what happened you know and I'll be like no it doesn't so all of that would annoy me yeah for, the magic of Queen is Freddie Mercury. And once that's removed, I'm sort of fine with that just ending, you know. And I feel like the legacy is very sort of stretched out and curated these days by the rest of the Queen lads, you know. And it's like, you know, you were a great band together, but it's not as exciting as maybe like Led Zeppelin, where each member was kind of like quite an exciting person on their own right. I kind of felt like you had one of the best front men of all time and the rest of you doing a really good job.

But I don't really want to hear from you that much, you know. Well, I mean, I'm going to disagree with you on that. I think that I've been to see them live and adam lambert is an incredible singer and weirdly he isn't the front man like roger taylor and and brian may are the front man of that band now and the songs i do feel like last the test of time it's still amazing hearing them at the o2 and that incredible live music experience. So I do feel like they're lost. I just don't think that this film does the story of that band's justice. And I think when I'm such a fan myself, I've read, you know,

countless books about them. I just go, I just feel like you're not really doing justice to the thing I love. And it annoys me that other people love the film. I think maybe in a different universe it would have just been a film solely about freddie mercury but because the band are a part of it it's like you have to be a bit more even-handed whereas maybe we want a film about freddie mercury not about queen maybe yeah yeah yeah yeah great back catalogue everyone's

incredibly talented in the band but i mean he's got he has to pull focus you know yeah so i mean i think for an island it's a biopic the thing you want to see i mean it's like something about obviously there is a story to it but another different narrative you could sort of watch again and again and again when it's just sort of about someone's life and the band i just feel it it doesn't have as much longevity in it you know it's weird though because actually the films that i've watched over and i mean like sitcoms and stuff are they're my sort of go-to come in from a gig and i'm just want to watch something i can sit and be comfortable and enjoy and you know not non-offended but film wise the film i've watched the most is the pianistist. I love that film. And I think, you know,

it's not because I love The Misery, but I just find the acting so incredible and the music from Chopin is so beautiful. So I feel like if I had to choose a film that I could watch over and over again, it would probably be The Pianist, to add to compound the misery of being on a desert island with Geoffrey Boycott.

Well, I'm going to have to save that for a different alternate desert island related podcast unfortunately but um but we're you know you are doing a great job still and we are almost at the end so you'll you'll be free from the misery very soon but before that luke finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why i feel like i've got a few that have made it through to boot camp here um because like i hate tarantulas scare the shit out of me because i saw arachnophobia my sister made me watch it when i was about i don't know five so like they scare the shit out of me there's a little pet shop nearby that I take my daughter to

when I want to do something with her for free. And we look at the tropical fish and there's tarantulas there. I hate them. I hate cats because I'm allergic to cats. I don't hate cats. I love animals and I love cats, but I'm allergic to them. So every time I stroke a cat, I'm like, my eyes puff up and all the rest of it. So they're in the boot camp.

But the ones, I think the thing that I hate the most are wasps. Does that count as an animal? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate wasps because you just, I feel like, I'm sure they do do something, otherwise they wouldn't be here. But like, a bee, fine. What is a wasp doing other than going around stinging people, being horrible?

Yeah, I don't really know. I mean, I suppose they must. Do they pollinate stuff as well? They must do something. There's absolutely no point in them being here. Yeah, because it's not like, you know, flies are rubbish, but they do kind of help, you know, decomposition of things, I guess. Bees, you know, we know what they're up to. I feel like we need to google this a quick google what do wasps do wasps are hugely important for a variety of reasons wasps eat flies oh that's good aphids caterpillars and other invertebrates making them an important insect controlling predator wasps are amazing architects building hexanigal paper nests from true dot wood wasps are important

pollinators they're important guys i mean i i like them a lot more now i know they kill flies yeah but you know look as important as they are on a global scale being trapped on an island where there's fucking thousands of them is not a nice place to be even if they're building lovely hexanigal house hexanigal houses i don't i don't that is going to be really especially when you're eating you've spent imagine if you spent all day hunting food with jeffrey moaning at you hugh's singing about it and then you sit you sit down to eat once you've cooked it and then there's loads of wasps about and you don't want to hit them in case you get stung yeah and they're kind of determined as well like if they want something they just won't leave it alone you know i think other insects it feels

like you swap them away and they kind of get the vibe a bit quicker as a wasp is like it's always in attack mode the thing is as well and is i and i'm not david attenborough but at least with a b once they sting you they die so like yeah they've stung you and it really hurts but you're lost mate you're dead but a wasp doesn't die after it stings you so it's like it's not even like there's no jeopardy for it they kind of look like if if mankind created a robot bee they'd make it look sort of evil and purposeful and sort of like pointy and aggressive and that's exactly what... It does look evil. You know, you see like a super bike or something and it just looks like it's going fast even when it's still,

you know, and the wasp is like that. They just look like a sort of a jet fighter or something, like they've been designed to be kind of evil. Horrible little tosses. I don't feel like I've ever, ever heard anyone come up with, other than reading that bit from Google, coming up with a reason to like wasps like who loves a wasp i get there's beekeepers but there's no one that's like oh i

keep wasps yeah that would be a red flag wouldn't it like because and it's so the opposite of like if you went to someone's house and they're like yeah i just started making honey over lockdown do you want to see the hive you know yeah okay show me oh this honey is delicious wow and it's because you feed them that interesting so i've got a load of wasps in the shed the fuck like no i don't want to drink yeah exactly anyone who keeps wasps is a killer what's that you're putting on your toast wasp honey no i don't don't want to try that oh god wasp honey tastes worse than eggs. Well, look, Luke, I think it's a fitting end to a very well curated

selection of people and things on the island. Thank you. So well done. And I hope that, you know, there is some kind of catharsis for you and you get to spend the rest of your day feeling a bit lighter on your feet than now. I don't. I feel miserable and sad and irritated now. Well, I'm sorry. Let's talk about something positive.

What are you up to at the minute you want everyone to know about? Well, Daniel, I am going to the Edinburgh Festival with a brand new show called Gritty Police Drama, the one-man musical. And it is 60 impressions, 60 minutes, one murder. So it's shows like, it's based around shows like Line of Duty, Happy Valley, Luther.

All those characters are in it, but within it is a star-studded cast. Everyone from Christopher Biggins to Jurgen Klopp to Boris Johnson to King Charles to Jeremy Clarkson. They're all in there. It's a really fun show. It's a musical as well. Louis Theroux is in there as well. D.I. Theroux, because he can get anything out of anyone. Is that okay?

Am I okay? Uh, so it's a really fun show. There's, even if you don't like musicals, you'll enjoy it because I take the piss out of musicals within it as well. There's singing. There's loads of impressions. It's really, really fun. I'm really proud of it. Um, and it's at the Pleasance Courtyard, uh, every day from the 2nd of August.

Wonderful. Well, everyone in Edinburgh, go and check that out and well, and if not, I don't know, just try and get to Edinburgh or catch you when you're back from there, I guess. Yeah, catch me when I'm back. Luke, it's been lovely chatting to you today so thanks for coming on Desert Island Dicks, mate.

Thank you so much so there you go that was luke kempner there on desert island dicks and uh there's more where that came from and they'll be along your way pretty soon. So make sure you're subscribed and then you will never miss an episode. Obviously, you can keep up to date with whatever we're getting up to at Dick's Pod on Twitter and Instagram. We're part of the Cheerful Earful podcast festival in November and we'll be announcing a guest for that very soon. But I can assure you it's going to be a good guest. So you might as well just go and buy a ticket because they're not even that expensive go to cheerful earful.co.uk and you can also check out the other great podcasts that are performing that night as well so i recommend you do that desert island dicks has been a sync

clap production created and produced by james deacon and produced and presented by me Dan Benedictus expertly edited by Chris Attaway and as always a big thank you to the mighty John Deacon for all his support that's it we'll be back soon thank you for listening bye bye