Desert Island Dicks - MARGARET CABOURN-SMITH

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

Dan is joined by writer, actor and team captain on the Do The Right Thing podcast, to share who and what she'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island, and it's very funny, so stop reading this bit and listen to it, because this is just a description and not as interesting as the audio. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features writer, actor, and team captain on the Do The Right Thing podcast, Margaret Caborn-Smith. I really enjoyed this episode. Margaret was great fun and picked a brilliant selection of people and things. And without giving too much away, her story towards the end about a made-up word that terrifies her really made me laugh. So I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Now, it's 2021 and there's a plague going on outside and who knows what's going to happen with that and that's why it's really important when you're stuck at home all day to get stuff off your chest so you can stay calm and don't just explode with rage one day when you see someone in the supermarket not wearing a mask properly or taking the last bag of oranges or something like that. And with that in mind, every week we invite you to tell us who and what you find annoying on our sister podcast, Compact Dicks, where we hear your choices of who and what you'd hate to be stuck with on an island. You can tell us your choices at dickspod.com slash contact or DM us on Twitter and Instagram at Dickspod. Also, it's really helpful if you subscribe to this podcast

and give us a rating and a review. So please do that if you haven't already. It only takes a minute. And you'll also get extra dick points, which I've just invented, but let's pretend it's something real and very valuable. Okay, I'm off to try and work out if I've had my phone hacked since falling for a scam on WhatsApp earlier this evening,

but I hope you have a lovely week and enjoy this episode of Desert Island Dicks with Margaret Caborn-Smith. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is actor, writer and team captain on the Do The Right Thing podcast, Margaret Caborn-Smith. How are you doing?

Hello. Well, you know, I'm all right. A friend of mine said recently that when she asks, how are you? She just assumes everyone is a sort of base level of shit. Yeah. Yeah. And so, you know, so yeah, shit. But also, yeah, OK, not bad. Not bad today. Given that, given the pandemic. Yeah. Yeah, exactly, shit. But also, yeah, OK, not bad. Not bad today, given that, given the pandemic. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's just sort of, I don't know, I take my sort of mood on an hour to hour basis.

So, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I remember reading in in some sort of AA handbook. I'm not AA, but but something. Well, you know, they say take it one day at a time. But sometimes that's really, really a long time a day. So, yeah, hour by hour is much, much better. Yeah. See, I'm doing next hour. Well, people sometimes go, oh, you're sounding quite upbeat today. I'm like, right, OK, well, that's good now.

I wasn't half an hour ago. And I won't be half an hour. Well done for catching me in this window. And so how did you find, bearing our sort of mood and everything in mind, how did you find the process of compiling your list of dicks today? Well, I took it in the spirit of, hey, things could be worse, you know. know so in that way like imagining this situation has been very good because it makes me appreciate the the three people I do live with you know because there's a bit of like there's a bit of me that thinks well however bad these three people are

at least they're not the same three people I have seen for 24 hours a day since March the 22nd. So, no, it's been good. I'm sort of thinking it would be nice to have the desert island weather. Although that's not necessarily good, is it? No, I mean, in my head I always picture a sunny kind of desert island with palm trees and stuff. So, let's say we'll give you that. Well, you know, you can at least have that.

Oh, thanks. That'll help. With that, obviously, comes things like sunburn and tropical insects as well. Yeah, exactly. And I will. I mean, the last time I went to Italy, I think my record was 102 mosquito bites at one time. So, yeah, not looking forward to that. But, you know, that'll be distracting from the terrible conversations that I'll be forced to have with food, etc. Let's find out who you'll be having them with then.

Who's going to be your first choice to join you on the island? My first choice is Gary Barlow. Good. And good, good. And I feel I have mixed feelings about Gary Barlow, as I think a lot of us do, because he sort of started out as a joke, didn't he? He was kind of the one where you're like, oh, look at those fit young men doing backflips. Who's the one with the thick neck and the sad expression? It's Gary Barlow. But then you have the whole, you know, he was the talent. He was the proper talent and the songwriter.

And then it was sad when it seemed like Robbie Williams was winning and he'd gone off to LA and was really, you know, having a terrible time and everyone felt a bit sorry for him. And then he came back, you know, he came back stronger and it seemed like he was winning and he wrote amazing songs. I won't deny he's a very, very talented songwriter. But then the tax thing happened and I'm just not OK with it.

I'm just not OK with it. Also, do you know what? It wasn't just the tax thing. It was the fact that he refused to feel bad about it or apologize whatever he said I don't think anyone I don't think anyone cares I don't think any of our fans care about that that sounds more like Howard Donovan you know what I mean and he and I was just like oh I sort of wish that I was a bigger take that fan so I could make more of a fuss abandoning him and saying

no I do care I I really, really care. And it's one of those things that every time I see him on Children in Need or whatever, I think, if you paid your tax, there'd be fewer children in need, you fucking moron. And I know that that's not quite how it works either. But also that voice, that very, very boring, slow voice. I feel like he'd be doing a lot of mansplaining.

Yeah. That's what I feel like. I just feel he and the world takes him way too seriously. I don't like how he's evolved it. You sort of hinted at how he's evolved into this older statesman slash national treasure. And it's like, just admit. You're jelly in your pants yeah you know your

band name is take that hey you take that whenever boy bands get sort of to this stage where they're kind of middle-aged kind of you know these bordering on national yeah the statesman i always like to remind people of what their name is so we we're like, boy zone. You're the zone of boys. You know, the boy zone. Let's go to the boy zone. You know, and that kind of... You're not man zone, are you? You didn't call yourself man zone.

Yeah. Grandad zone. And then that kind of puts them in their place. I mean, a Westlife, I suppose, is fairly perennial. You can't, you know... Yeah, it's vague, isn't it? Yeah, I just have this problem. It's like, it doesn't matter how many times we see you behind a grand piano.

To me, you're not a composer. You're not this great songwriter. You know, so you're still knocking out this kind of pop. And I don't know. I just, I think because with me, I don't feel as old as I probably am. So it feels too soon for them to have reached this status of like, oh, these great singer songwriters. It's like yeah no come on you're still yeah yeah and also i can't stand that whole um oh him and robbie

thing where it's like you get together quite a lot now it's not it's not a big deal we're not like oh my god like the first time yeah it was exciting because they'd really they'd hated each other and whatever and now they're together it's like sometimes there's three sometimes there's four whoop-de-doo you know who gives a shit I mean if Jason well I'd be very sad if Jason Orange came back because he's the one with the um the ethics you know he was it's just unfortunate that he didn't have any skills to um to lift him above that but I'm still he's still my my number one because he was he was really sweet he was like oh i thought we were going to like become a commune and they were like no no no we don't want to pay our tax we just want to become millionaires and yeah like scrooge mcduck

and he does just seem really boring as well doesn't he yeah oh and that i mean the thing the thing that really gets me... You know he's really good mates with James Corden. Oh, really? And that's unforgivable. Not only that, but you should look at... All the listeners should as well. Look up the song that he and James Corden have recorded

where it's all bants, right? If you can imagine the worst kind of... Oh, you're the sort of friend who um you know who makes faces when i'm playing the piano and then james corden will sing a little bit of that i mean you know they burst into song and honestly my arms have just gone fizzy from the shame of it the yeah just imagining that i feel oh upsetting having, it's so upsetting. Having a palpitation. Yeah, exactly. I feel like I've had a strong coffee. And the bant.

And I feel like... I mean, James Corden, I think, is a nasty piece of work, probably. Don't mind saying it. Gary Barlow, I feel like he used to be the victim and he's learnt how to do bants so that he can stand up to his, you know, his more alpha male friends so he can take the piss out of their haircuts or, you know, whatever mean things.

Yeah, and you know that way that sometimes if someone's been a victim, when they get a bit of power, they go power mad. I feel like that's Gary Barlow in a really boring way. It's like the worst of all words. Yeah, I think he's so weird. Like, I remember seeing seeing him it would have been on something like the x-factor you know where they go to people's houses is it was he on the x-factor or one of those he was yeah yeah I know I was sort of dimly remembering this and you know when you see inside stars houses and it's

always one of those things where like unless you're really into interior design you have a house that's too big for a normal person to live in so you get someone to do it for you and his interior decor was so sort of like what he imagines sort of a famous person's house to look like but what did it look like remember loads of sort of like you know if you go to like a hotel and they have like very heavy curtains with lots of what's it called i want to say brocade is that the word hey yeah i was gonna say that yeah everywhere like it looked like he was sort of in some kind of weird hotel but it was his house like too much fabric like a lot of pleats that sounds like it's covering things up as well just lots of pleated possibly bodies everywhere and you're like what what whose idea is this make this look like the most brilliant hotel in Manchester, please.

Yeah, make it look really expensive. That's what he's done. Well, it will be expensive when we've done with it. But, I mean, you're not in control of that. It will be expensive because you're Gary Parler. Yeah, although, do you know, my friend made a puppet for Paul McCartney and spoke to Paul McCartney on the phone, and he said there was a really interesting moment

where he said, just don't take the piss. You know, when he was asking about budget and stuff, he said, just don't take the piss. And that was such a brilliant thing for Paul McCartney to say because it's admitting, obviously, I have literally all the money in the world and can pay anything,

but be a bit of a bigger person than that and don't just charge me it because I'm rich. And I think it totally works. Yeah, definitely, definitely. I just think with Gary Barlow, he'd show you around and he'd make sure he told you how much everything cost, you know? Yes. Price tags might still be on it.

Yeah. Oh, you see that big ceramic Jaguar? Yeah, 14 grand that cost. I didn't ask. I wouldn't want to buy it but now i know thank you gary yeah yeah yeah yeah campfire sing-alongs as well you're gonna have to deal with on the island i would yeah yeah it'll be that i mean i have to say that is not so like that will seem like respite i think mainly because well unless he's maybe he makes all of his grudges

into songs and he starts you know sort of passive aggressively writing songs about things that i've done that have annoyed me that have annoyed him that that wouldn't be so great i just feel like you know with the tax thing i feel like he would just very quickly become mean and selfish, you know, and be, you know, sort of telling me why he should have the hammock I've just made or whatever. Yeah, he keeps going off for walks on his own and you think it's just because, you know, he needs his own space and you find out he's got this massive stash of coconuts

on the other side of the island. I thought you were going to say something else then. If he's brought his own massive stash of cokeuts on the other side of the island i thought you were going to say something else then if he's brought his own massive stash of coke or coconuts then yeah yes exactly he'll be stockpiling something on the other side of the island and will somehow sell them back to me eventually i mean to be honest i'm gonna go pretty mad quite quickly so I feel like I will be take advantage of all take advantage of all that's a word good okay stand by it good well Gary Barlow is there with you and who's going to join you who's next well um this is somebody have you had Gary Barlow before I believe so do you know what I do have a spreadsheet I can look it up for you if you want. Yeah, because I thought, yeah, you can, because the second one I'm pretty confident you won't have had before.

Because I thought Gary Barlow and my other one might be a little bit rude one. Mitch Winehouse. We had Mitch Winehouse before. Oh, I don't believe it's Amy's dad. Amy Winehouse's dad. Yeah. Now, have you seen the documentary, Amy? I have done. Yeah, I have. Well, yeah, I thought of everyone in that who comes across badly. There are many of them. He was my number one, like worse than her husband, because he was just not just but off his head. And so it's a little bit more understandable.

But Mitch Winehouse, who abandons his family, well, firstly, had an affair for a really long time, openly had an affair for a really long time, and then left. And there's some footage of him saying, oh, I don't think it bothered her. It's like, wow, you've really put a lot of thought into that, have you? And then the bit where she's gone off to an island to try and pull herself together and he turns up with a fucking camera crew and then tells her off for not being friendly enough to some fans who've

approached her and frankly she was fine to them like she wasn't massively friendly but she wasn't you know she wasn't but given the circumstances at that point i think it's fine to sort of be a little bit abrupt with these yeah exactly it's just be like oh yeah all right fine um and uh he and the the thing that broke my heart was um that she was always delighted to see him she was always really really excited and you could see that my dad my dad's here and then he was just letting her down over and over again and just making himself into a celebrity i think i think the first time i saw him was on um you know hootenanny or whatever and he sort of

turns up in his hat and i just before i came on i had to look at his website and he is doing the um the full uh i'm performing i'm'm a jazz singer-songwriter. And there's a little thing on his website which is, where am I performing next? And it says Pizza Express in Soho. Which is actually slightly better than it sounds. Pizza Express Soho is quite a, you know, you get good people there. It's a jazz, it was like the first Pizza Express. And it has this little jazz room.

It's cooler than it sounds. But I was like, oh, I mean and it's you know has this little jazz room it's cooler than it sounds but i was like oh i mean it doesn't sound very likely and i clicked on it and it was october 2019 so um i was delighted to find out that was the last time that he performed yeah um he he just illustrates to me the worst of toxic masculinity that's what I think that kind of total entitlement and lack of understanding that um that your behavior impacts other people and then and do you know that the only reason that he allowed that documentary to be made was because he'd seen the Ayrton Senna one which was made by the same people have you seen that yes very good yeah it's really good but it's really good but what's funny about it to me is that mitch winehouse like airton senna's parents are like

the most delightful people in the world and i think he was a bit like oh i'd like i'd like a bit of that and then of course in his version that's not how he comes across he doesn't they come across well because they're nice people. Yes, exactly. These are people who cared about their son. Yeah, it's not just something we stuck on in post. You have to be nice all the time to come across well. And he clearly never understood that. So he allowed that and was apparently furious after he'd seen it because he does not come across well.

But it's interesting because the way they make those films, there's no commentary at all it's all just footage so you could argue that there's no way of editing you know he he can claim oh i was edited badly but i would argue no that's not possible like the things we saw you do the things that you said you there was no cutting that into like yeah because it's sort of there's that sort of weird thing of kind of taking advantage of you know your daughter's vulnerability and talent as well but then almost like I mean at least if you just stay behind the scenes and try to con her out of some money that would be something but

absolutely to get your own celebrity with it yeah I mean that's just it's just so sort of unselfaware and awful it's really unforgivable and i did um a few years back i did uh a radio recording with with some slightly older actors who've been around you know one of them's in pirates of the caribbean and and they have you know as slightly older actors do uh a mix of very interesting friends from all sorts of areas and we went to the pub afterwards and I was like oh my god that's that's Mitch Winehouse I think you know and I was introduced but I didn't hear the name or I wasn't introduced so I had this weird thing of spending the evening with this guy who seemed very charming but I spent the whole time going but is this Mitch Winehouse because I'm not I mean obviously I wasn't going to start having a

go at him about how he treated his his daughter but at the same time I was like I'm not very comfortable about this and it wasn't until I don't know about midnight and he told a story about how he'd been it was quite an extraordinary story about how he'd been, it was quite an extraordinary story about how he'd been headbutted in the nuts by Grace Jones. Yeah. Because she thought he was Mitch Winehouse. And I was like,

so I had this sudden realisation of like, hooray, you're not Mitch Winehouse. And trying to readjust all of my expectations. But also, what an amazing thing for Grace Jones to do. Yeah, yeah. She headbutted him backwards. I mean, she'd slid onto the floor. But it now makes me think,

is he getting some celebrity out of pretending to be Mitch Whitehouse? It's probably the wrong kind of celebrity, though. Once you're getting headbutt... Yeah, step away. Dye your hair. I mean, as celebrity anecdotes go, it's probably worth the genital discomfort just to be able to wheel out that story.

Also, I just can't stop imagining the contortions Grace Jones must be doing. She headbutted him backwards, if that helps. Yeah, she slid to the floor off her seat and he was, I think, behind her trying to help her up. And she freaked out and swore and head-butted him backwards and then started screaming about him, how badly he'd treated his daughter.

I could imagine Grace Jones wouldn't attack in a conventional manner. No. She doesn't seem the type who'd just go for it. That would be very disappointing, wouldn't attack in a conventional manner no she doesn't know that would be very disappointing wouldn't it oh man yeah I just think he's he's someone that's like you're not gonna be able to trust him on the island no he's also gonna bore you constantly totally he's gonna be licking up to Gary Barlow yeah absolutely but also kind of thinking he's better than him somehow because he's into jazz, not pop. Yes, well, it's funny you say that.

On his website, there's a real air of, don't go thinking I'm jumping on any bandwagon. My mum knew the Ronnie Scott. So I think I've got every right to say that I am jazz. Yeah, yeah. Also, it's kind of, unless you've got one of the best voices i've ever heard you know like just leave it because you're not going to be on a par with your daughter so it's always going to

you know even if you were always a musician you always had a career in your own right it's never gonna you're never going to come off well even if you're a really nice guy they're just going to go what you're not very good no exactly just have some incredible voice self-respect yeah yeah but i mean i think we've established that's not his um forte i think self-awareness it's not really what he's known for and you mentioned sort of the idea of gary barlow mansplaining a bit i mean i can imagine oh god the two of them oh yeah they probably really get on which would be um yeah upsetting i think i don't like being left out of things even with unbearable people yeah i think that's a very wise choice i

think yeah i haven't thought of him in a long time but yeah just that you're right there was that clip on the island where he's just sort of and i think it's even the people approach him to say can we have a picture with amy and he's like no worries i'll sort that out and then yeah because then he gets to be yeah exactly he gets to be the the big man and look like he's a lovely generous person it's like but it's not your time and it's not your yeah you know it's it's your daughter's life yeah and you haven't earned you haven't earned the right to have any part of it at all let alone try and you know claim it's all down to him which I always got the impression that he sort of turned up just when she was massively successful to say this was all me and that must have been yeah so

upsetting yeah yeah a nasty piece of work well chosen yeah thanks I did want to choose people that I thought I could stand by if they heard it. Now, I don't know if you know whether Mitch Winehouse is a big fan of this podcast. He hasn't got in touch so far. He's not tweeting you. Yeah, not yet. But you never know. Well, let's see.

Mitch, you've got lessons to learn. That's all I'm saying. You and Gary both. I mean, Gary is a big listener but I mean he's yes and who's gonna who's gonna sort of finish off this triumvirate of dicks well I thought actually I thought genuinely who would be I mean I want to put myself through it really you know because those two they're unbearable but I can imagine finding something within them. Okay.

Whereas Katie Hopkins, and I'm sure she's been picked before. She, I just can't imagine, A, being able to get through to her at all, but B, her offering anything that I wouldn't find repulsive. It was actually because she was on Cameo do you know cameo it's this video messaging website where you can put you could put your yourself up and say i will chat if you want a video oh yes yes yes so this there's very it's a group of very odd people, but Katie Hopkins is one of them. And I recoiled just looking at her stringy arms. And I don't usually comment on women's appearances, but again, I sort of feel like that would be the only kind of thing that she would even hear.

But I feel like if I started speaking to her, she would not be able to hear anything I said unless I spat in her face. And, you know, and really, even if I did say her arms were stringy and, you know, talked about how horrible she looked. I don't know. I feel like she's she's Teflon, isn't she? She just she can't hear anything. It's hard to know isn't it at this stage in her sort of career i mean it's i can imagine you know she'll just keep doubling down

and sort of getting more crazy i mean it's like now she's been removed from most platforms yeah she's going to be one of those people it's not going to be a wake-up call where she's like oh god shit you know what maybe i shouldn't have become an awful inflammatory racist horrible person maybe this is it I'm you know maybe that's my way back into society I think she'll just like keep getting ethics yeah just keep getting worse and worse and worse and yeah it's so weird she's one of those people where you kind of think I'm pretty sure you don't mean everything you say no but that's great I just think that's so much worse because at least if you're sort of ignorant and you've you know you've never had the chance you've

never been challenged but if you're constantly being challenged and constantly just saying the worst thing possible to get oxygen like yeah what is that that's what i mean like it's so sort of beyond me and i'm not you know holding myself up as the uh the the the world's nicest person actually maybe I am no I'm not um but uh but you know when something you just can't even appeal to someone's good side because there there just isn't one I remember reading an interview with her where which was definitely her chance to kind of go look because actually julie hartley brewer who is awful but i believe that she does have some some morals somewhere in there i i think that she does sometimes think oh god oh god is this what i'm doing with my life whereas i think katie hopkins really doesn't um and she there was like

the interviewer asked her about her her, who I believe is special needs. I may have got that wrong, but I do know that she has epilepsy and is and is sort of terrified that she won't be, you know, that she's going to die and her kid slash kids are not going to have enough, you know, to get by, which is definitely that's a proper human worry that anyone with any empathy is going to go, right, yeah, God. But actually, even in that interview, she didn't say, she didn't say, so sometimes I say things that I don't mean. She was like, so this is why I'm doing it

and I don't see there's anything wrong with it. It's almost like she decides what she, she gets to decide what she means and then stands by it. But even then, there are other ways to make a living. What? What are you talking about, Dan? If our children

were starving and we were worried that we were going to prematurely die at any moment with no notice, then obviously we'd be scrabbling around, doing whatever it took to make some cash. I would be simply writing disgusting columns and shoving them at people and saying, give me some money. Yeah, exactly. It's like, oh, we've dug out this article you wrote.

I was young. I needed the work. I had to be racist. It doesn't work like that. It's not like, you know, some guy said if I take my top off, you know, he'll give me 50 quid. It's like, I mean, that would be more understandable. So, you know, I just went far right. And I'm not sorry.

So, you know. Yeah. What are you going to do? Yeah. Yeah. I also feel like with her, because it's all like a big, well, it seems like at one point, at least, it looked like it was a bit of an act or whatever. Yes. Well, she wasn't that bad on The Apprentice, was she?

Like, she wasn't insane. She said it's a good thing that she had an affair because she always gets what she wants. Yes. That was the famous thing, wasn't it? So, like, and that was her kind of, you know, that weird one-upmanship ruthlessness game that they play on The Apprentice about,

I'm a bigger twat than you are because look what I'll fucking do in public you know and that makes me a better businessman than you um but i just feel like you'd be stuck on an island with her to the point where she'd probably let her guard down and eventually you'd be like you'd maybe be able to have a normal conversation and then as soon as you if you were rescued as soon as you got back on that ship she'd be like she would literally stab me don't back. Don't take that sandwich. It was made by a brown person or something. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Maybe it would be the thing that would de-escalate her. I mean, I think I possibly have a bit of a fantasy of turning these people's lives around for them because they're doing well financially. Actually, Katie Hopkins and Mitch Winehouse probably not so much but um but just in terms of ethics yeah I feel like but I

I think that that way madness lies basically if you you because I was talking to a friend this morning he was like well he'd be arguing all the time with Katie Hopkins and I don't know if I'd have the energy to to argue with her you, if you sort of get to the point, I used to argue all the time with people. And particularly with any kind of internet presence, you work out, no, I mean, the number of people who are, you know, convicted of an argument, is that the right word?

You know what I mean? Is so minuscule that there's just no point in putting the effort in. If you think your 280 characters back and forth is going to convince someone that they're wrong, you're an idiot. And I feel like even with all the time in the world, I just, the migrants in the sea one was just so upsetting. Yeah. That you sort of think, I can can't i can't engage with this person at all like you could you could engage with some idiot on the apprentice who's saying i had an

affair because i am ruthless but that's kind of almost funny you sort of feel like you could have a conversation with that person but yeah i just think even if it got to the point where yeah you're maroon on desert island at some point you try and escape and she becomes a migrant in the sea that won't be enough to dissuade her from her argument that she'll be looking she'd still be gunned down by she'll be looking for other migrants who are worse off than her yeah so that she can as she's drowning so she can bully them oh you're right though that's that would be a really good thing to try and make her a migrant in the sea. Maybe every morning I could start by dragging her sleeping body into the sea and saying,

Now! Now! Do you know how it feels to understand? Just throwing coconuts and stones at her. Like, I don't have a gunship, but here's a rock. And I think, though, you're going to start off, you're going to go, right, OK, I'm in this for the long run. I don't want to pick any fights. I'm just going to make the best of it. I'm just going to steer clear of everything. Mrs. Neutrality here.

But then she's going to go, Mitch Winehouse won't be able to resist telling a story about Amy. And then she's going to instantly go, oh, what that fucked up old druggie or something like that. Oh, my God, you're right. You're just going to be this weird peacemaker between two people who you hate that i hate oh guys please i hate you both i hate listening to you please shut up please die quicker than me but i don't want to make that happen but just shut up you're right you're right that would kick in so that i couldn't yeah you you can't stay away and also i do i've you, as I've realised during lockdown, I do need human contact.

I really do. I can't be, I can't go and find a Mr Wilson or whatever. Was it Mr Wilson or just Wilson? I think it's just Wilson. Yeah, the ball in the castaway. Though that does seem like more, has anyone ever chosen Wilson from castaway as their... No, no.

Most hated. What have you got against Wilson? It looks a bit smug. I hate sport. has anyone ever chosen Wilson from Castaway as their most hated What have you got against Wilson? I hate sport, he looks smug he didn't try and swim back off the raft You will get to that point where people have gone insane and are picking inanimate objects

as their worst people to do Well I think that's a good selection of awful, awful people. So that's well chosen. But mercifully, now amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

Now I'll be interested to see whether this has come up before bean sprouts oh beans but i don't know no let me shut you down bean sprout don't go defending beans no no i'm saying no i don't think they've been chosen no they haven't good they i mean i had an argument with my sister um about this because she was like you can't hate them more than everything. They're so harmless. But I think they are so disgusting. I feel like they're like hollow maggots.

Do you know what I mean? And they taste, they somehow manage to taste almost of nothing but also of some sort of distinctive gas that they release into your mouth. Yeah, they do have a sort of a strong taste it's really strong what and why would anyone find it nice i think they're in the same camp as something like celery and cucumber in that like the taste itself isn't like strong as in like a spicy pungency but they really they're definitely always there you can always tell if they're there yes well do you know there's some i didn't know this about well it might not be true about bean

sprouts but i know that with cucumber and celery there's something in them that only one in five people can taste and i am definitely one of those people like it's really really strong for me cucumber celery because because lots of people are so inoffensive but of the three bean sprouts are are definitely the worst they seem like they might be alive as well yeah yeah and also you would just have to eat so many of them to stay alive if that's all we've got is bean sprouts then that's going to be well very, very pungent from both ends. And just endless chewing. It'll just be like a sort of cow chewing on bean sprouts.

As I always point out at this point in the podcast, I'm very non-fussy with food, so I don't mind them. But I can also understand why they're bad. If you have them in your fridge, they're one of those things that they reach their peak and after that they get very wet and soft in get very sort of wet and soft in the bag yes and become sentient yeah that's what it feels like and they also my beef with them is if i buy them for a stir fry or whatever i'm making supermarkets sell them in the wrong quantity you never need a bag

as big as they sell them you want like a handful for something or less. But you have to buy a fucking kilo of them. Do they freeze? Do they freeze? I think they're too full of water to freeze. I think they'll just sort of go mushy. Like a cucumber would sort of just go to mush. You know, it's like there's no bringing it back.

It's just fuck. There's no coming back from it. No. So, yeah, they're very hard to deal with because you just want like a sprinkling of them so obviously you don't yeah but some people want a sprinkling of them my sister had um went through a big phase of eating cheese sandwiches with a load of bean sprouts yeah i just it's just unacceptable yeah i think if you want crunch there's branston pickle for a cheese sandwich yes exactly or just your classic lettuce yeah yeah you don't you want crunch there's branston pickle for a cheese sandwich yes exactly or just

your classic lettuce yeah yeah you don't you don't need the little wormy things those little string bits on the end of them strings not edible yeah they are very alien they are alien that's exactly the right word they just taste of disease yeah and a lot i imagine they give you bugger or nutritional value they're probably quite good for you but you probably need to be so much quantity surviving them yeah exactly because you know there's something in spinach where there's loads of iron but actually they're also a um what is it you know i want to say a deterrent that's not that's not right diuretic they're also diuretic.

So it's only a small amount of the iron that actually goes into you. And I imagine that the calories you need to burn to eat the bean sprouts, they might end up killing you. Maybe it's not possible to survive on bean sprouts. Definitely. And then obviously Katie Hopkins is going to pick up on them. She's going to turn it into a race issue. Yes. Oh, well, that might be good because if she refuses to eat them,

then that's fine. Can I watch her wither and die? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, she already looks withered and dead, though. Yes. I mean, imagine what she'll look at death's door. I mean, that's... Yeah.

You know, she looks sort of like a walking kind of corpse anyway no absolutely but also very unappealing so it comes up quite a lot doesn't it whether you're going to eat the of the three people she's going to be the the stringiest of the meats absolutely i mean i'm a vegetarian as well so it's going to be a while before i before i choose but either of those other people would be better i can imagine with her it's sort of someone goes okay look we've got we've got to we've got to eat her um she died earlier we've got to eat her i i will eat her but oh i can't watch so you cut her up and i'll come back and then they come back and you're like she was just full of ash it was just like she's been burned from the

inside oh my god do you know i genuinely felt a surge of pleasure there at the idea that there's a there's just an there's an explanation there's an explanation of why terrible humans happen sometimes and it's because there's something wrong inside them and they're made of ash all of their innards are made of ash yeah just like you cut her open it's just like charcoal kind of you know oh my god there was a um uh when i was a kid there was a thing called grinny do you know grinny yeah i've had this conversation with people yeah i think it's by the same guy who did choccy it was sort of around the same time but there was a really horrendousous thing where it's basically an old lady. The story is an old lady turns up at the door and says she's granny.

And both of the parents think she's the, well, not granny, but, you know, a great aunt, for example. And both of the parents assume it's the other one's great aunt. So invite her in to live with them. And she's evil. And it turns out she's a robot. But there was all of these things where the kids would just be sort of looking into their eyes and going, should there be little short circuits in their eyes? Or, you know, and they they kill her eventually.

And like the inside, she's a robot. I don't think I've made this up. Kiss TV definitely was darker though, wasn't it? Oh, it was definitely. Yeah, that was standard fare in my day. Yeah, so it would be lovely to find out that Katie Hopkins was a robot. Yeah. But then you're going to get into the theory of you know where does she come from

who's made her all of that and yes but then if someone comes to take her back then we might get a lift home you see this is my level of optimism i'm terribly sorry about this we just sort of made her it turns out it's just made by a tv executive to make the apprentice more interesting that that is that is too realistic sadly the algorithm just got haywire and she escaped and everyone worked in the media so they could they didn't have the energy to chase her down you know fix itself yeah still good metrics on that episode yes exactly exactly we all made money and then they just got distracted went out for a big lunch and uh and then she went rogue yeah um yeah but bean sprouts then um it's funny there was uh i remember a tweet that a friend wrote ages ago now and said um

that you know that someone was on the apprentice and then they destroyed the world and for a second i was confused and thought he meant katie hopkins and i was like i know she's awful but she hasn't got close to destroying the world it's like no i meant donald trump but i was like all right yeah yeah no that makes that makes more sense the other one it's him and katie hopkins so weird isn't it i mean someone it's so weird that show should come with a warning yeah yeah yeah tv okay so we've got bean sprouts is your your uh your only food yeah what are you going to attempt to wash them down with what's your drink choice i mean i think i'm better off with the seawater but um tequila oh yes yeah and i know this is a this is a classic thing like we have one bad night and you can never drink it again but i um i briefly the first time i went to university it didn't take and i dropped out and um I I had a night where so

thinking back on it my friends who I'd only known for a couple of months because I'd only been there a couple of months um and they were very fond of me but they were also very angry with me for dropping out so I think that there's a combination of where we're going to give Margaret a brilliant night out but also we do want her to suffer as well so I drank seven tequilas and then two pints of tartan special and then they took me down to the loch which was in the middle of campus and they didn't throw me into the loch but they did sort of dunk me into it. They sort of, you know, each took an arm or a leg and dunked me into it. Because there was this whole thing, it was Stirling University,

and the whole thing at Stirling is you cannot leave Stirling University without having been in the loch. So, you know, I think the idea is that you spend four years there and you might, you know, fall in during a fun accident. Not that you are taken down there in the middle of the night and dunked in there um but then they took me back to my room in halls and they'd filled a bath as well as they dunked me in that as well wow and then they took me back to my room which um it didn't have a toilet in it but it had a sink and i just stood over the sink vomiting

and vomiting and vomiting while they sat around wearing pairs of my knickers on their on their heads just just chatting it was a very yeah i mean i was very very ill yeah there there is no no drink like it i mean no what is it what's the flavor i mean it's well it's a cactus it's that's what it's literally it's an agave agave plant which looks like it sort of looks like a taste of spikes yeah it's like i've said it before it's like the it was you know probably invented by like the toughest mexican cowboys you're like yeah we're not gonna drink something made of a cactus you know yes you know jesus but but i mean i'm suspicious i mean i'm suspicious of all spirits frankly uh but anything that you have to neck you know that idea that oh no you couldn't

keep this in your mouth for a long time because it's it's so awful what's that doing to your insides my insides are not made of ash this is the thing this is the thing but the thing is like so that's you know you have you lick some salt which isn't pleasant you drink this very strong thing yeah and then as a relief afterwards you bite lemon which you know if you did that without the two steps before it'd'd be like, I've just bit a lemon. But after those two steps before, you're like, oh, the sweet release of this citrus fruit. Oh, the acid burn on my lips.

Oh, God, the sanctuary this is giving me. You're like, how bad are the first two steps where that's like your saviour? It's a very masochistic drink, isn't it? It's a bit, do you know that pineapple apparently, when you eat it, it's eating you? Again, I haven't made this up. There's some enzyme which is sort of eating you. And, you know, I read it on Twitter, clearly.

But it said, you know this, as soon as you read this, you knew this to be true. And I sort of get what they mean because it does feel like it's doing that. But I would say the same thing about tequila. It just immediately feels like it's not a foodstuff. It's not something that should be inside you. It should immediately be ejected. The next time that someone tried to make me drink tequila,

they then accidentally head- butted me straight away. She dropped something on the dance floor and I bent over to say something in her ear. Probably, please don't make me drink tequila. And she stood up very, very quickly and head butted, like almost broke my nose. And also it's one of those things where she was so drunk she didn't really know that it was really quite bad so she was like and went off dancing and i sat like the next three hours with the ice from my tequila clamped my face feeling incredibly sorry for myself so i do also think it's a curse as well like not just that it's disgusting but no i agree i shouldn't be near it

i kind of resent my inability to drink it anymore because I liked it when I liked tequila. Like, it was cool. Yeah, it is cool. You're right. You know, it's like the leather jacket of the spirits world. It's like, it's rock and roll. Have you ever done the worm? No, I don't think I have.

But I just, I mean, I have been to Mexico and to the town of Tequila where loads of people. Really? Basically, I think I think I was about 19, 18, 19. And you go there as like a young white tourist and lots of people out the back of the house delight in selling you or trying to sell you like this fucking moonshine that they've made you. And they all think you're American. So they're a little bit standoffish at first as well. And're like oh you want to drink tequila huh and they pour you a fucking tumbler full and then stand there with their arms folded watching you oh my god struggle and it's like did you down it you can't see i i remember there being times where i had so much in

my mouth it took a few swallows you know it wasn't like a one-shot thing and I mean and I made it through that only to stitch myself up at uni where where that was like the final nail in the coffin but you know I liked it I liked it when I was good at it and now like yeah I can smell someone else drinking it and I have to walk away it's just too yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it's like um oysters as well which i actually do like i was going to say like i want to like them as well because it's like a sexy rock and roll thing it's like it takes work yeah it's like a cool thing you want to knock it back you know like come on yeah you know but yeah i can't do those either, tequila has a famously sort of fighty energy, doesn't it?

It's like a very sort of rowdy drink. So, I mean, you don't want Katie Hopkins drinking that. No, I really don't. I don't. And I actually find that whole thing of, you know, forcing shots on people. I find it really, you know, sort of boring and aggressive. I'm the worst of those things and I feel like both Barlow and Winehouse are going to be quite keen on that on on doing the whole sort of

no you know jeering until you do it which I'm not. Mitch Winehouse strikes me as a sort of person who'll like go kind of just bully you into taking a shot and then when you're lifting the glass he's secretly tipping it over his shoulder so he's just making you get drunk here yes the good thing is I think that both of those men will be scared of Katie Hopkins so I suppose that there's that will be

she's not exactly going to be responsible with that power is she no it's definitely a recipe for disaster yes well thank you very much well chosen well chosen you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now.

That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, now, Margaret, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. Oh my God! Not just Gary singing. No, the Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time

and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, OK, so The Blair Witch Project, which is not a bad film, I don't think. Well, I know that actually some people do think it's a bad film, but I think it's an amazing film, but I am not cut out for it especially on a desert island um i although a friend of mine when he saw it he's from the countryside and he was like oh that's just you know that was just a

generic saturday night out in the countryside for me and i'm a real city girl and I was terrified way before anything frightening happened like opening opening credits I'm scared and I knew by the way I wasn't one of those people who went along not knowing what to expect which in which case I would have been utterly terrified you know they sort of set it up as a real as real footage yeah and whatever I knew it was all fake um but I was super terrified in fact when it came out a bunch of my friends went to see it and I said I'm just not seeing it and I said I tell you what if I ever get a boyfriend I'll see it then because then I'll at least have someone in the bed next to me um and then I happened to come on television when I did have a boyfriend and he was indeed staying

over and I was like oh it's like, this is fate. Let's watch this. And about 10 minutes in, I turned and I said, this was a mistake. This was a mistake. And the bastard, when we went to bed, he'd gone into the bedroom first. I went in and turned the light on and he was facing the wall. I don't know if you know the film.

But, I mean, it's just not OK okay and I didn't sleep at all that night and I really like my sleep so I don't want to be watching it I might watch it once in the morning when it's all bright and I can't stand listening to those three chatter Yeah it's just such an uncomfortable

I mean obviously it's meant to be an uncomfortable watch and I think that was one of those films where at the time it was like, no, this sets a new benchmark for it. There was so much sort of hype around it. A lot of hype, a lot of hype. I think I heard something about... What do you think of it? I've only ever seen bits because I'm a massive

scaredy cat and I hate... Good! I know what it looks like but I haven't watched it all because I don't like it. It scares me. I don't like scary things. Well, the whole thing is that the rumour about this witch was that she would make, before she killed, she would kill people one by one,

and that everyone else, while they were waiting to be killed, would have to face the wall. Right, okay. So that's why my boyfriend doing that was so utterly terrifying, because that's one of the last shots of the film is that you open a door and you just see one of the characters facing the wall. Although it's quite hard to face the wall in a woods, so I don't know how they... No, there was...

You just face a tree or something. No, that's just someone having a piss. That's not scary. No, it was... They did get to... They found a house or a shack or something. That's where yeah that's where that is i i think i heard like a story once by one by the main woman in it and she was saying that um

as part of the sort of mythology around it i think at the time of the release they sort of pretended she was dead and stuff and it caused her all kinds of problems in her real life because people like god that's so awful i can't get any money out of the bank yeah just people thought she was dead or like it just sort of caused a lot of missing or yeah just loads of hassle and and strife she didn't need you know when you think i'm a young actress this is like my first massive film yeah exactly and i bet exactly and i bet they got paid like a hundred pounds for it as well and you know she won't have been raking it in however much money it made. But I think even if you watch it in the daytime,

at some point it will be night time. And that's what I don't understand about scary films. It doesn't matter what environment I see it in, that's still in my head forever. So when it is dark... No, but don't you have like palate cleansers? If you watch something a bit scary before bed, then you have to watch a Seinfeld or a 30

rock just to get you back into that mode yeah but then it will still come back into my stupid brain oh I saw shallow grave and I was very excited that I didn't have nightmares that night and three weeks later I had a full-on you know the whole night was just scary dreams about the worst scene in that but i'm super i'm i don't like so my level of scared right is that um i this came up as a memory for me on facebook the other day where i um i was lying in bed um you know it's ready to go to sleep and my husband whispered something that sounded like buck reed and i said what did you say and he didn't say anything and i said no what what did you say and he didn't say anything again and then i then

i became terrified and um and i was like no seriously tell me what he said and he said he'd burped and said pardon me but i hadn't heard it and i said oh i thought you said buck reed and he was like well what's that and i said but i don't know but it sounded like the beginning of a scary film like some dystopian scary film where someone says something he goes missing and then someone in the street walks past you at Buckreed yeah thank you thank you that's exactly and anyway and so we had a bit of a laugh about this but then we tried to go back to sleep and I kept going, I know what you're going to do, but please don't do it. I'm scared.

I'm really scared. And then there'd be another pause and I'd be like, please don't say it. Please don't say it. And he very sweetly didn't say it until the next morning. But even the next morning when he said it to me, I was scared. My daughter, who is a pale Victorian child of a person, she would whisper it to me. And she put out, you know, like the letters in the bathroom.

She spelled it out on the bathroom wall. And I was like, well, this is where we are. I'm scared of a word that nobody said that doesn't mean anything. But it's true from now on. I mean, and someone texted me from a phone that I didn't know, Buck Reed, because people found it so hilarious. That's the thing, because the word is getting funnier and funnier as well. Exactly.

And there's something about it, isn't there? And another friend of mine made a movie poster with Buck Reed, like a child standing over a gravestone. And I'm genuinely a bit scared. Ah, old Cynthia Buck Reed. Yeah, she died 50 years ago. And my friend Dave Reed said he's going to call his, if he ever has a male child, he's going to call it Buck.

And imagine, and I would be scared of that baby. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's amazing. Okay. Yeah, that's where we are. Okay, well, what would your song choice be then? Okay, my song is, it's not the worst, again, it's not the worst song in the world,

but I do loathe it. It's Act Naturally by The Beatles. Okay. Which is,, it's not the worst, again, it's not the worst song in the world, but I do loathe it. It's Act Naturally by The Beatles. OK. Which is, so it's on Help. And Help was the first Beatles album that I really loved. It was the first CD that my dad ever bought when we got a CD player. So it's very, very exciting. But I always hated that song.

I hate Ringo's voice. I don't mind it when he's doing a little bit of a comedy you know octopus's garden or you know even little help for my friends they have john and paul's joining in and you know whatever but it's and it's so dirgy and repetitive and the this the um you know the uh the theme of it is just so pathetic it's like oh i'm really really sad it's a it's a it's not a beatles song it's um i can't remember who wrote it but it's a country and western song that he decided he liked and thought was cool um but the the real reason that when when you said i have to come up with a song was that when i had the cd player and the tape player very exciting both

together and i'd listened to the cd so many times and i was going to tape it but i couldn't be a song was that when I had the CD player and the tape player, very exciting, both together. And I'd listened to the CD so many times and I was going to tape it, but I couldn't be bothered to listen to it in the right order. So, you know, the magic of shuffle, I'm going to put it on shuffle. And,

um, I put it on shuffle and every single time it came up with that naturally and it would do the opening bars down, down, down, down, down, down,

down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down. And I would try and flick it do the opening bars. Down, down, down, down. Da-da-da-down, down. Da-da-da-down, down. Da-da-da-down, down. And I would try and flick it onto the next track. And because I'm lazy, left those few bars on.

So I would get those few bars and then one of the tracks off Help. And for some reason, that CD player really wanted me to listen to Act Naturally. And eventually I think I did have to put the whole song on towards the end of the recording. But there's something about it that goes right through me because of it. Yeah. So I find with Ringo, he's such a weird... Because it feels like someone put into the Beatles contract that maybe like one in every 10 songs you've got to let Ringo have a go or it's sort of like he's like their little brother let your brother play yeah let him have a go can I do my song now about the octopus like uh maybe

on the next album so you promised oh go on then you know it's that sort of thing and sometimes I kind of think like my son is three and a half and, you know, he loves watching The Yellow Submarine, which compared to a lot of the stuff three-year-olds can enjoy, it's like, this is great. Yes, no, well done. And, you know, I feel like, God, you know what? Without Ringo, you wouldn't have Octopus's Garden and Yellow Submarine, which, you know, aren't amazing tunes in the canon of their work,

but they're the entry point to get small kids interested in music. Exactly, they're proper nursery rhymes. get small kids interested in music nursery right you know and it means that now on a car journey we can always listen to the beatles so it's like well thank you ringo because you you know you're the gateway for being the gateway at the same time like shut up ringo you're in the beatles it's the fucking beatles what are you doing some dicking about and take it seriously yeah yeah and because george who really was a good songwriter and you know like he didn't get much of a chance understandably you've got lennon and mccartney but but the idea that you would waste any any time on on ringo and you're right those

the gateway drugs are fine but act naturally i don't think falls into that category because as i say it's not even by the beatles i think it's really just lame it's just a kind of pathetic i think it literally um has the same verse and chorus three times or something i wonder if there's like i mean in terms of a ratio of being the biggest band with the person you take the least seriously in it. I mean, that must win because, I mean, there's other bands where, you know, like the Stones, you don't pay much attention to, you know, like the drummer or whatever. But he's not, no one kind of says he's a shit drummer, which people constantly do about Ringo. They say about Ringo, yeah, which I think is hard. And he's kind of, you know, like to be one of the two that's left,

you're like, I mean... Oh, I know. It seems that... I know. Because if you met him in the street, you'd be like, I saw Ringo Starr in the street. But it's not like, I saw Paul McCartney in the street. Yeah.

Yeah, do you know what? You'd be happy to see him. You don't need to talk to him. It's fine. I don't need to hear what he says. Yeah. I really love the fact that he says he won't reply to any fan mail. I think it's such an un-ring-go move.

It's sort of hilarious. And then to say peace and love at the end of that message where he says, I will no longer be replying. And I don't know whether it's... I mean, I'm sure it is a pain in the arse having to... feeling you have to reply to all the fans. But you know that Simpsons episode where he

replies after whatever it is 30 years and i do sort of wonder whether it was a response to that whether whether more people started writing to him going we hear that whatever happens you are going to reply to us yeah so we are sending you more and more because it was only a few years ago wasn't it so like yeah you'd probably got over the bulk of your fan mail by that point surely i mean i don't know maybe there are lots of new very very excited beatles fans yeah but it's still gonna be on the way i mean you know like i say with my son there are new beatles fans every day but i just think you know if you're a new beatles fan you probably still wouldn't write to him in the way you would have written to him in the 60s.

No, and you can reply to emails really quite easily. I mean, you know, you can get someone else to reply to your emails. You can have an auto-reply, you know, it'd be easy to mock up an auto-reply. Thank you for your interest, peace and love, you know, I enclose a JPEG of me. You think that it goes into JPEg someone would have taught him someone would put it on the automatic response you know like an out of office but like that's what happened yeah it's a little ringo meme yeah he had um i used to work with someone who's like this huge huge beatles fan and um about six years ago ringo had this huge auction of loads of stuff he'd amassed.

And it was just mad stuff. A lot of it just looked like if you went into a bar in the 80s in a tourist resort in Spain. You know, lots of weird big ashtrays and strange branded little tables. And just real crap that you only were interested in because it was Ringo Starr yes and he's just having a massive clear out at some point but it was mad to think that that existed anywhere in his house anyway and it was a lot of stuff as well the um uh the Craig Brown book uh one two three four which is not a great title but um his Beatles book is really really good I can recommend it but there's a thing about Ringo and his interior decor, in fact,

because he just had no clue what to do. I think actually he was by far the most working class. So his house, I think his house was, I wish, I mean, this is not a good anecdote because I can't really remember the punchline, but basically the description of his house was quite extraordinary to just somebody who had no idea. You know, no idea you could even hire an interior decorator. And it was like just a mattress and a stool that he was living with,

like really at the height of their success because he just didn't get it, didn't understand. Well, that sort of fits with the stuff he was getting rid of. It was funny that he didn't do it earlier. Yeah. More and more i just think if i had the money the beatles had i'd just get i mean my flat's tiny so i would get a bigger house but there's a point where you sort of see rock stars houses like they used to have a program on mtv cribs and yeah it was so obvious that they've just got too many rooms yes too much stuff too many rooms living room and i just think i'd always be putting my phone down you know like oh it just it would exhaust me it would exhaust me just having and because i'd never

be tidy enough and i'd never you know yeah yeah fair enough okay well look you've made us feel both very happy about our tiny flats. This time of the year is all about just trying to see the good in things. Despite hosting a podcast where we try and see the worst in things. See the best in the worst of things. That's your slogan. Okay, Margaret. Now, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

Which animal is it and why? Well, I considered the rat and then I genuinely couldn't cope with the idea. So I've gone with pigeons. Pigeons, okay. The rats of the sky. And I know that they... But you can overrun somewhere even if you can fly, can't you?

They're all in the... Yeah, well, Trafalgar Square used to be fairly overrun. Yeah, exactly. And everything's covered in shit and you know exactly and I think that they have a vendetta against me I have a um one of the weirdest things that's ever happened to me and in fact I was accused of making this up or rather after I told someone that the other person with us said she's you mustn't listen to that she's made that up but the brilliant thing is is i have a witness

right i used to live on the second floor of a flat of block flats and i i once came came home went up the the stairs and out and on my welcome mat a pigeon was sitting and looking at me and i wasn't that enamored of pigeons at the time but I didn't hate them the same way I do now and it looked at me it did it did it looked at me it got up and it had laid an egg and it sort of pointed at the egg right at which point I did freak out a bit and I got out my phone I knew my my boyfriend at the time now husband was inside and I have to stay married to him so he can corroborate this story um he he I rang and I said you have to come to the door you have to come to the door and he came to the door he opened it and he saw this this pigeon and

he he shooed it away and it flew down because there's no window like open windows or anything had to fly down two blocks of stairs and out of the door. And then I was like, well, what do we do with this egg? What do we do with this egg? I don't understand. And he was like, well, we can't hatch it. I don't know if you know about this, but if you hatch it, like we could have put it out on the little balcony. Pigeons will just live there forever.

You know, they don't they don't leave so they said we're just gonna have to throw it away we threw it away which felt really really wrong and really horrible and um my husband as we've established has a way with horrible stories he he was like oh that feels like the the pigeons given it to you to look after and that's what you've done and he said and i think that when we have a child that pigeon's gonna come back yeah get it king pigeon and i've and i genuinely as we've established scaredy cat i've genuinely become a little bit scared of pigeons and when we we had my daughter, they were, but I swear to God, they pick on both of us.

They come towards me. I've had to duck pigeons flying at me before. And I've seen, there was one particularly that had these feathers that looked a bit, they were a bit ruffled. Like David Bowie in The Labyrinth. Yes, but also like it might be a crown. Like it might be the pigeon queen come back together yeah because i was thinking in my head it's like you know when they sort of in cartoons

and there's like a basket left at the door well you know yes it's exactly this child here oh i must take them as my own and raise them and put them in the bin i must take this child and put it in the bin imagine now if you're having to homeschool a pigeon as well as your kids you're right you're right it's worth being living in fear of pigeons at least i don't have to oh those pigeons with their horrible little melty clumpy claws that you get yeah those weird things isn't it and um yeah and there's something about i had this was a squirrel in a park the other day where you know like animals that sort of most animals they kind of know the boundary yes and you kind of go squirrels have got very bold yeah so you sort of

you know the natural boundary between us and them and you kind of think yeah wait you're closer than you usually are what's going on here and my son was playing on something in the playground and this squirrel just kept coming closer and closer and sort of looking at us. And I was like, am I on your territory? Do you think I've got food? Am I going to have to kick you in front of my son? Because that's opening a can of worms.

That doesn't look good. Open a can of worms. That's what you should have done. They've taken that. Yeah, because I have had a squirrel run up run onto my trouser leg before and like sort of jump onto my on the outside run up my leg and i thought this is going to happen again but last time i was just a 17 year old stoned in a park and it didn't matter as now i've got a three three year old to deal with at the same time yeah

yeah i don't know what i'm gonna have to do with this and um oh my god i just you're gonna have to raise it as your own yes now that i've got that as well so uh you know it's uh just be careful yeah well you know it's funny that you said this yeah so yeah don't give don't give a put a baby squirrel in the bin no no i can't do that he's well he's too comfortable here now you know he's got a little sign on the bedroom door. In your tiny flat as well, I'm so sorry. I know, and I go in in the morning, he's put his little stickers on my crunchy nut cornflakes and a property of me.

It's a weird scratchy handwriting that he's got. Tiny, tiny three fingers that they've got. Oh dear. Yeah, pigeons, that's fair enough. And I think, yeah, I mean, I just had my car shat on by a bird yesterday and that reminded me that they're just indiscriminate bastards sometimes. So I think just on the island, if you're sitting there, you know,

releasing, oh, it's a nice sunset and then you just hear the splatter and yeah. And I suppose you've always got the excitement of maybe it's on one of those other terrible people's heads. That's true. And you can eat pigeon, but I don't think the pigeons you eat are those pigeons. No, the ratty, ratty vermin pigeons. They're like the nice, nice big fat ones you see in woods. But these are like city pigeons. Yeah.

Yeah, they're absolutely the city pigeons. Yeah. Horrible. Fair enough. Well, look, Margaret, I think you've put together a lovely selection of awful people and things. Of disgustingness. Yeah, to see out your days on this island with. Well, thank you.

It's a gift. It's a blessing and a curse. Maybe it will make the rest of your life feel better, knowing that somewhere in this alternate reality there is this waiting you. Exactly, that parallel universe. Exactly. Exactly, that will help us all through lockdown imagining that and um where can people sort of see and hear more from you at the

moment where's a good place to catch up with you um well my podcast uh i you can follow dtrt podcast on uh on twitter which is quite quiet currently um but i'm i'm on Twitter so let's do the right thing if you're bound with acronyms yes and mkbornsmith I'm on Twitter I've you know spread myself around go look at my showreel hire me for some voice work I'm you know I'm not as busy as I could be okay well thank you very much for coming on Desert Island, Dixie. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for letting me. It's an utter pleasure. Thank you.