Desert Island Dicks - MARK O'SULLIVAN & MILES CHAPMAN

Episode Date: March 27, 2018

This week I'm joined by Mark O'Sullivan & Miles Chapman, the creators and stars of Channel 4's Lee and Dean. Be sure to follow the podcast on Facebook and twitter @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is Marco Sullivan and Miles Chapman,

actors, writers and creators of Lee and Dean. Hello. Hello, how are you doing? Really good, thank you. Yeah, very well. Yes, a pleasure. Thank you so much for coming in. Can I just tell you, Miles referred to the show earlier as Desert Island Desks. Desert Island Desks. By mistake. Imagine that.

Yeah. That had quite a limited appeal. So you go, oak will be mine. Or black ash. Black ash. With tubular steel. You's good. You's a pretty wood. Okay.

You. Where's your knowledge of desks come from? I sort of steal. You's good. You's a pretty wood. Okay. You. Yeah. Where's your knowledge of desks come from? Oh, just general everyday life. Just general desk use. You have a small collection in your loft, don't you? I love a desk. I mean, I felt like I'd gone fairly niche,

but Desert Island Desks is a whole new angle. Desert Island Docks, where you mention your favourite docks my least favourite dock I'm going to go Albert in Liverpool Desert Island Dogs I'm going to go Folkestone is there a dock at Folkestone

of course there is, boats go from there all the time probably in just saying boats I've really upset someone because they're probably not boats but are these the docks that you want to keep or are they your favourite docks or your least favourite docks? I haven't got that far to be honest. No, OK, fair enough. Yeah, I'll be honest.

I like Liverpool docks. Liverpool docks, it's good down there. It's fancy around there now. Yeah, it's very fancy now. It's all right. You're working for them. Yeah. Should we dive in?

Should we get on with it? Is that what you're trying to say? I know what you're trying to say Who's going to be your first choice? Who's going to be your first choice for your Desert Island Dicks? I think I'm right in saying I've got two and you've got one Is that correct? But we might chuck a pick

Yeah, and I agree So interestingly, I agree with Mark's first choice I was going, oh, I was going to say that So go on, go on Okay, so I'm not going to mention any names And it's not a famous person to begin with Okay But in the town we're from

which by the way I've heard mentioned on this podcast a couple of times so yeah actually we're from the same place same neck of the woods yeah literally well I am from Letchworth but isn't your company in Letchworth it's ten minutes away

I spent a lot of my time in Hitchin' growing up. Hitchin' is a great town. I did, yeah. Cup 85 at the Heart or the Cock or the Rose and Crown. Yeah. Those pubs. If that's still going, that used to be a working men's club.

Yes, yeah. Memory. And the Red Heart is now going to be a really nice sort of pubby, restaurant-y... All right, you're working for them. No, I'm not. It's not... Oh, God.

We've spent a lot of time together, haven't we, Miles? Yes, far too much. You love it, I can tell. We bicker a bit, but we do love each other. We do, yeah. Love you. Let's move on. So who's this person?

Maybe I'll know who they are you might guess we can't really say names in the town we live in which may or may not be Hitchin there is a market and Miles I don't mind telling you

is an amazing cook he's incredible and if you ever get invited around I'm not sure it's going to happen I didn't get my hopes up there. I don't think James and I will get on around a meal. I'll be honest. It's just what you picked up.

I think we would. Any other context, just a meal. I think we come to blows. I'm very easy going. Well, oh, no, you didn't get on. Oh, okay. So Miles is an amazing cook. He loves cooking with fresh ingredients.

And it's a joy to be invited around to eat at Miles' place. Lovely. And we sometimes, if we're in Hitchin, we go by the market and there's a few fruit and vegetables there. And there's one in particular that has this one man working on it. Okay. Who I cannot stand. Can I explain?

The only thing he's ever done to me is this, right? Okay. I haven't been buying anything. I've just been with Miles while he's been buying. I'll have some of that parsley and I'll have those lemons and whatever. And for some reason, even though Miles is very clearly the purchaser, this man hands all of the bags to me like I'm your servant.

I know, it's very, very odd. And it winds me up so much. Why would you do it? No, he's a very peculiar man. So I went down there, I've been here a few times, and market day is Tuesday, Friday, Saturday. And I went there on a Friday

and I said to him, you're open Saturday as well?, Friday, Saturday. And I went there on a Friday, and I said to him, you're open Saturday as well? He went, yep. I said, well, that must be annoying. Was it sweet potatoes you want? I said, yeah, and some bananas. I said, because, you know, on the Friday, do you have to take all your stuff down

and then restack it all for Saturday morning? He went, 6.40, please. Wouldn't even know I'm please. Wouldn't even answer. Wouldn't even answer. So, the rudest man alive. So, I'd imagine spending time with him, just being stuck with him on a desert island, would be grim, wouldn't it?

It'd be evil, wouldn't it? I just, I mean, people, you know, I've been to a lot of markets. I went to markets all the time as a kid. There's something special about them. Like the freezer van the conversations you overhear with the man with the Madonna style headset

yeah yeah we walked past at one point and you could hear him talking because he's going through a public address system but not the woman he was talking to what's that you want steak she would say something how do you do your steak in the oven

in the oven who bakes a steak? It happened. Who's baking steak? What, in a bain-marie? In the garden? Steaming. Oh, I like it wet.

All the fat, all wet, lovely, isn't it? But then, he's the person selling the steak, right? So you think, surely he should have

some idea of how he cooks. I've got no knowledge at all. Apparently not. And I remember going round the back of that van and just seeing some bloke with a roll up and he had these

huge big white tubs. One said mint and the other one said I think it was Creole and he was just getting loads of meat and just covering it in his paste.

Smoking it and then putting it all out in trays and handing it to the bar. Absolutely vile. This was a long time ago so it's very

possibly a different supplier. I'm just trying to cover your back. No, that's all right. It's absolutely fine. I feel like the chances of Fruit and Veg Man hearing this and then realising it's him are quite niche. Who hands someone else's shopping?

Yeah, I don't know. And looks you in the eye as he's doing it. He knows what he's doing. He's playing with my mind. He's winding you up. It's a mind game. That's only just occurred to me. So the fruit and veg man,

that would be a painful type of person. If he turns up, I'm going to be well annoyed. Imagine the mind games he'd play with you if you're stuck on a desert island with him. Oh, he'd be handing me stuff all the time. Yeah, looking at miles while he did it. Just be handing me things. And of course I'd take it.

Because I'm not going to let him win. No, that's it. For a few weeks running, I did a car boot. You know, on that market you can do a little car boot. That's about the same patch we did on a Sunday. James, how many people, I'm going to say people, did you see wearing fleeces with animals on them? More fleeces, yeah, yeah.

Like so many. A lot. Like more than I could count on my hand, on each hand. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Isn't that a lovely wolf fleece? They got it from that market. Is that Native American?

And the cigarette burns on it. Is that a design thing? Is that a feature? Finest nylon. And your hair that looks like loflag hair that looks like Loflagging. Beautiful. Loflagging. And the people that haggle with you,

you know, they come up and say, how much for this? And you say, oh, give us 5p. And they say, mmm, 2p. You can't get anything for 5p. You know the seasoned car booters who are there every week. Oh, yeah.

Pro booters. Pro booters. And they see you shifting all your stuff for nothing. Yeah, yeah. Pro booters. Pro booters. They see you shifting all your stuff for nothing. Yeah. And the looks they give you. I know. Yeah.

They don't want you to be there. There you go. Fruit and Veg Man. Fruit and Veg Man. Okay, cool. Who's going to be your second choice? Go on, Miles. I'm going to go with

Yoko Ono. Yoko. Yeah. It's a bit of an obvious choice. No one said it on this so far really that's interesting

yeah I have never met the woman I don't I don't know why I found that funny I have never met the woman the chance of me meeting her I suspect is as much chance

as fruit and veg man here in this podcast probably less so I should think but she just seems to be unbelievably fucking hard work. You imagine, you know, just really, really like, oh. Oh, God.

There's a video of her launching this modern art exhibition. I think it's in the New York Museum of Modern Art. And then they go, Ladies and gentlemen, Yoko Ono. And she comes across, and she just goes up to this microphone for a minute, and goes, Not for a minute.

And they're all going, Yeah, fuck. Yeah, she's like a fucking genius. And they're all just like, Are they whooping? Yeah, they're whooping. It's amazing. It's so amazing.

And I think, oh, what is wrong with you? I just, you know, just... I mean, yeah. I can't be doing with it. Like, why, you know, obviously, John Lennon's partner, you just think, has she actually ever done anything? No, she hasn't. Like, what has Yoko ever done?

She laid in a bed for a bit. Yeah, she did lay in a bed for a bit. But did she do anything? I don't know. Do you know what I mean? It's the whole John Lennon thing. And yeah, I'll put my hand up and say, yes, he probably was a musical genius

and he wrote some fantastic songs. Apparently he was a bit of a difficult prick as well. Really difficult. Apparently a very difficult man to be around. So I imagine the pair... I'm sorry, I'm going to speak up here. He hasn't spent time with you. I suspect they fed off each other.

Yeah. You know. Imagine them moaning in that bed. Laying there about the peace. Moaning in this studio. Sorry, but... No, that's what it is. This is a negative show to make you feel negative.

You've got a vent. No, no. You're getting it out, aren't you? Get it out now. Do you know what? I'd love to meet her and find out she's just really lovely. Yeah. And I'd really like to be proven wrong, her and find out she's just really lovely. And I'd really like to be proven wrong,

but I just suspect she's just bloody horrible. I'd say the look on Yoko's face makes me feel like the opposite, probably. She's got a great name. You do have a good name. You're a good name, Yoko Ono, isn't it? Yeah. If I were ever going to change my name by deed poll... Yeah. You'd change Yoko up a bit, wouldn't you?

What were the names you could change it to. Yono-Oko. Does that mean you've got one Yoko? Yoko, if you are listening, she probably is. I'm sorry. She's into,

you know, niche Desert Island theme podcasts. Oh, that's what she listens to. What are you doing today? I'm probably nipping out, buying a few tops to listen to Desert Island Dicks. today I'm probably nipping out buying a few tops to listen to

Desert Island Dicks buying a few tops buying a few tops I don't know and then go to a very appreciative audience I've got to get into Halfords before it shuts

I've got to get some French chalk for my puncture is that what it is French chalk French chalk when Mark and I got this ongoing thing

Halfords always comes up when everyone says that's a lovely bit of meat where did you get that Halfords everything's from Halfords Is that what it is, French chalk? French chalk. When Mark and I got this ongoing thing, Halfords always comes out and everyone says, God, that's a lovely bit of meat. Where did you get that Halfords? Everything's from Halfords. It's a nice top. Where did you get that Halfords? Always Halfords.

I like it. It always amuses us. Anyway. Anything else on Yoko Ono? No, because, you know, like I say, I don't... You don't really know anything about her, do you? I don't.

I just find her intensely irritating. Yeah, yeah.? I don't. I just find her intensely irritating. Yeah, yeah. And I shouldn't. I'm like, that's really... Why shouldn't you? Because I don't know. You can't make a judgment on someone if you don't know them. I suspect that may be to do with the media's portrayal of her.

But every time you see an interview, you think, oh, God, Jess, lighten up, woman. What's wrong with you? What's happened? While you've been talking about how you know nothing about her, but you hate her, it's sort of made me think about my next one, and it's exactly the same.

I don't know anything about her. But I think that's part of it, isn't it? Okay, hate's a strong word. It's just you wouldn't like to be stuck next to them for the rest of your life. No, I think hate's a wrong word. I just find if I was with her, I'd just get very irritated. Yeah.

Very, very quickly. I can believe that. I might change my next one now, though. No, I think it's a good with her, I'd just get very irritated. Yeah. Very, very quickly. I can believe that. I might change my next one now, though. No, I think it's a good... Okay, go on. I might tell you who it was going to be. Go for it. And then do another one.

Okay. So I was going to say the other person I wouldn't want to be stuck with is Morrissey. Morrissey. And on paper, I should love Morrissey. Mm. Because I love Radiohead. Mm. And I love Pet Shop Boys.

And I love really depressing music. Do you like the Smiths? Well, I sort of do. I adore the Smiths. I really do. But because it's Morrissey, I hate it. Because I hate him. And every time I see him

and the way people kind of evangelise about him, you know, we're going to see Morrissey, we're going to see Morrissey. He'd be some sort of deity. Yeah, it's weird. I'm with Mark on that. and the way people kind of evangelise about him. You know, we're going to see Morrissey. We're going to see Morrissey. He's some sort of deity. Yeah, it's weird. It is weird. I'm with Mark on that.

In fact, we nearly went for the same choice. For Morrissey, you mean? And I get very frustrated because I think the Smiths, I absolutely adore the Smiths, are less keen on Morrissey's solo stuff, with the exception of Suedehead, which is fantastic. It is a great song, yeah. Why did you go so serious when you said that? With the exception of Suedehead which is fantastic it is a great song yeah but why did you go so serious

when you said that with the exception of Suedehead actually so yeah what I find I just find that I just can't bear

people talking riddles ah okay yeah and just sort of think everything they say just has to be clever you know rather than just

being straight and having I imagine even Yoko would probably get on famously. You know, one of the things I really hate about him is the way he wears a shirt.

What, undone right down to the head? that's odd, isn't it? I don't want to see, I don't want to see his dad chest. I'm a dad.

Yeah. I don't want, you know, I'm not, I've got a jumper on. Yeah, you don't need to wear that shirt. You know,

I just, there's no need for it. He for it the type of shirt he wears as well is like a two toned shirt with like quite a big collar the kind of shirt you'd see somewhere in Pulse and Vogue on a Saturday night in the 90s Stevenage reference like with a big collar and big cuffs do you know what I mean

that's the kind of look that he likes what did Pulse and Vogue become? Liquid Envy. Liquid and Envy. And now it's a kid's play set. It is a kid's play set. I can't take my kid in there, though, because it feels like it'd be weird.

The weird thing is that I had taken my kid in there, but the bogs are exactly the same. So you go in the bogs, you expect them to come out to a nightclub and there's a load of screaming kids and shitty nappies everywhere. It's very odd. Do you mean made of metal and no seats?

Yeah, the frame of the bombs are absolutely identical. Like a prison. Oh, they're horrific, horrific. Can I say, I'm not choosing Morrissey now that we've talked about Morrissey. Is that going to throw everything? No, I find it, it's very interesting. It's your show.

I'm just going to say very quickly that somehow I'm 41 and I've managed to live almost all of those 41 years hating football but i've also managed to produce two children who both gave up drama on saturday mornings to play football well there you go and they love football and it's got to the point now where they both play for teams. I play football every Monday evening. We're all Spurs fans. I don't know how it's happened to me. Miles is really upset because one of the things that brought us together was

our shared hatred of football. And having no understanding of it and not wanting to understand it, I thought, at last I found a kindred spirit and it feels like a betrayal. It does feel like a betrayal. It's like, no! Why, Mark? I know.

It does really get under my skin. But something that's happened, so I have to go to, Saturday morning and Sunday mornings, I have to go to football matches now with each of my kids. And I sort of made judgments in my head and I thought, you know,

I'm not going to know how to talk to the other mums and dads. And actually, I have to say, almost every other sort of mum and dad there is lovely and I've made some really good friends. But occasionally, you go to a match somewhere else and you kind of, you come across a parent at a football match who you just think you and I could never be friends.

Right, OK. And sometimes it's not even anything you say to them or they say to you. There's one guy... Describe to me, go on, what's he like? So there's one guy and I call him on what's he like so there's one guy and i call him and it's a phrase we use quite a lot jack the biscuit jack the biscuit and he's called jack the biscuit because he thinks he's it ah and he always uh does the line he's always

a linesman okay whenever we play this team and when I was doing performing arts a long time ago, I remember we did a session, movement session, right, where we talked about leading with different parts of our bodies. And this guy, if he's being led by anything, he's being led by his penis up and down the line. And I know this sounds unsavoury, we're talking about a kids' football match, but he walks up and down the line as if he is the lord of the manor.

Okay. And he's kind of being led by his penis. And I've never spoken to him. He might be lovely. He might work for a charity. I don't know. You don't know, yeah. But I hate him.

Isn't that, isn't that, and I love, I find that an unusual quirk of being human is that you can really dislike and hate a person without knowing them, just by sight or by... Or by knowing them, Miles. Or by... Oh, loaded. hate a person without knowing them just by sight or by knowing them Miles oh loaded the eyes then Mark was giving Miles look at him he looks like he really thinks

he's rung the bell moving with his penis yeah I'm imagining someone like Ministry of Funny Walks flailing their arms behind them I know this is a podcast I'm going to do it for you. I'll do my best to describe. Okay. Mark stood up. He's pointing to the

line. Oh! Okay, so he's walking. His tummy's out. He's pushing his pelvis forward and he's waving his arms behind himself. Tongues in his cheek. That kind of person. I've got him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever spoken to him? No, and I won't. If he came up to you and said,

alright mate, what would you say to him? Would you walk away? Would you ignore him? I'd say, get away from me. I'm not staying on a desert island with you! And he'd have no idea what I was talking about. Now I'd start crying. Is that the three? I think that's the three. Well, yeah, I mean, but...

We break the rules. Anything more on this linesman? Is he a parent of one of the children? If he isn't, I mean, but... We broke the rules. Anything more on this linesman? Is he a parent of one of the children? If he isn't, I question why he's there. Okay, yeah. But wouldn't he be biased then if he's one of their dads? Oh, he is. Oh, he's biased.

Yeah. But then, well, actually, I've never run the line because I'm always conveniently getting coffee. Nice, okay. When they come looking round. That's the way to do it. Just buy everyone coffee. They're like, oh, I'm getting free coffee.

You never have to do it. I'd rather spend money I don't have than have to walk the line. Okay. Because I don't understand how it works. No, it doesn't matter. I make the wrong decisions all the time. Just do them in favour of your kid's team. Yeah. Yeah. And just my kid. Yeah. Betty and Oscar won, I'd just say. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. They don't even play on the same team. They win. Sweet. Okay, cool. So the linesman goes in. Anything else on the linesman before we leave? No, we're good's it Yeah They don't even play On the same team They win Sweet Ridiculous Okay cool So the linesman goes in Anything else on the linesman Before we leave

No we're good Well I don't know the linesman Okay alright okay Well I don't know him He says folding his arms I'm not folding my arms Can I point out Am I folding my arms

No Thank you Right next You were going to I can see where your bloody going. Mark and Miles. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over,

but unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? You're going to talk about your least favourite meal, aren't you? I am. Now, a good follow-on from Mark. Very kindly said I'm an excellent cook, and I do enjoy...

Good meaning. Thank you. I do enjoy really good food, simply put together, and I'm not an obsessional cook, but I enjoy cooking a lot. He is a nice cook. And when I get a terrible meal,

it puts me in a terrible mood. My worst meal, unfortunately, I'm going to have to lay firmly on the doorstep of my wife, Jill. This is dangerous. Yeah. Is there a chance that Jill's going to listen to this? I did speak to my wife about this this morning.

I said, are you okay with me saying this? She said, it's fine. She did sort of laugh about it. Oh, that's the answer you want, isn't it? It's fine. It's fine. Do what you want. You will anyway.

If it helped promote the show, Miles, fine. You will anyway. So she has a meal called a must-go meal. What's a must-go meal? Right, so you look intrigued. So Jill occasionally, about once a month or every couple of months, opens the fridge and goes, oh, there's so much stuff in it we're not going through.

She calls it a must-go, an M-U-S-T. A must-go meal. A must-go. So a must-go is getting all sorts of things out the fridge that A, don't go together, B, are on the wire of best before. Okay, yeah. And you just get this just really

oblique, vile, smorgasbord of nonsense on the table that no one really wants. So you get like a... If that was in a restaurant,

that would be the description of an oblique, vile, smorgasbord of nonsense. Well, that's what it's like. So you get like a roast potato's three days old

and a bit of coleslaw and some cheese that's kind of on the way. Some salad that if you pick around enough you finally cut the leaves that are just about edible. And it just puts me

in such a bad... And she goes, I hope you don't mind doing a must-go. My heart sinks. It absolutely sinks. Quiche. I can't stand

shot-ball quiche. That puts me in a terrible mood. I love a shot-ball quiche. I can't stand shot-ball quiche. I've a shot ball quiche I can't stand shot ball quiche I've gone for hours about food I can't stand jacket potatoes and coleslaw

fuck that I can't stand it there's so much I can't bear so strong a reaction I get really passionate about food I can't bear you don't like a jacket potato

with coleslaw no it's just awful what would you have in a jacket potato just butter and cheese can I recommend you never go to a garden centre

no we've been a couple of times as a garden centre it's a depressing place to eat but yeah a must

Jill's must go meal imagine having a date in a garden centre cafe so here's another one so just adding on just having a date

imagine that as your jacket very nice might get in bulbs later I really like your face I've just had a date. Imagine that as your jacket. Very nice. Might get in bulbs later. I really like your face. So it reminds me, that's the other sort of food I can't stand.

It's a must-go. A follow-on from that is, you know when someone says, oh, everyone bring a dish to a party and everyone just brings the same shit. You end up with about 20 quiches, 20 flaffles, 20 packs of Asda doughnuts.

It's all the same nonsense. One of those basic dips. One of those little packs of tiny little three different types of hummus. That's it.

In a tower. It's just, oh, I hate it. I can't bear a meal that has no place to be on the same plate. It's no assembly. It doesn't speak to each other. I find that abhorrent to be on the same plate. It's no seven.

It doesn't speak to each other. I find that abhorrent. You don't like food speaking to each other. It does. You know, like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry about Ponce here, but, you know, ingredients sort of connect. And, you know, when you have a meal that doesn't do that, I get very wound up.

Sorry, Mark. You've really painted a picture of yourself here. Yeah, I have, haven't I? Miles and his connecting food. That could be a board game. I might speak to Palatine. Can I just say now, it That could be a board game. I might speak to Palatine. Can I just say now, it couldn't be a board game, because it's a shit idea.

Miles is connecting food. Can you have twiglets with... Connect twiglets with... The bin. The funniest thing that's been said. I don't like twiglets. So there we are. Jules Musco.

All right, musko meal. I mean, you know, it's tenuous, but if you were on Desert Island, the options on a musko would keep you going, right? A little bit of this and a little bit of that. No, okay, you're looking at me like, just leave the musko there. What, are you telling me you'd rather not eat?

No, obviously. I'd eat, because I'd starve to death. But the whole point is this. What would you rather not have no yeah it's true I would like it if there's only that must go meal

and fruit and veg man is just handing me things randomly and Yoko's going as I'm eating the quiche and the linesman is just

walking up and down surveying the oblique vile smorgasbord of nonsense and Morris is rubbing all the dips into his bare chest. We're going, I can't bear it. I can't bear it.

That's so good. Right, Jill's must-go meal. I've got a drink. And what's going to be your drink choice, Mark? Redbush tea. Oh, redbush tea. What's that redbush tea done to you? It's just horrible.

It's really horrible. I couldn't think of any other words. I've got friends who only drink Redbush tea, you know, instead of a normal tea. I'm not keen. I have to say I'm not keen. I first had it in Namibia when I was out there a few years ago and everyone was drinking it and I thought,

oh, you know, I'd better try it. And I thought, this is fucking horrible. And then I came back to the UK and everyone was drinking Redbush tea, almost in that moment. Right, okay, right. I don't know how it got over here and I don't know why people are drinking it.

It just tastes like soil. Redbush tea. Yeah, that's annoying, isn't it? Rubosh or whatever people call it. TikTok Redbush tea. Mousse. Mousse. I'm not keen on it.

I find, I'm with Mark on this, I find any tea, because you must have milk with it, aren't you? Some people don't have it with milk. It's just really got a weird flavour. You see, that's like people who have tea without milk. That's odd. I doubt it.

I'm down with the herbal tea thing. Oh yeah, of course. You wouldn't have milk with peppermint tea. We're not savages. We'd have a lemon ginger tea. Oh, yeah, no, of course. You wouldn't have milk and peppermint tea. We're not savages. We'd have a lemon and ginger tea. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, but you live in London, so you don't touch what people here do, I've heard.

Or grab a slice of lemon. We're up in North Hertfordshire. I think we do things very differently there. As you might remember. Single estate salon. I barely remember. I barely remember. It's beneath me now.

But redbush tea, it's horrible. No, yeah. It sort of tastes how I imagine really dry earth. You can't brew it up. It doesn't brew anymore. However, when you put milk in it, it will always look the same sort of pale colour. And every time you're having a red bush tea,

you're always thinking, I could be having a better tea here. Do you know what? I've got friends as well who exclusively drink redbush tea but they say what tea do you want i say i'll have normal tea thank you and they use the same spoon and so you get a little bit of aftertaste and i love these people they're dear dear friends but no i just don't want that to be happening to me you don't want to turn around and say sorry because you said a difference sorry could you do this better okay red bush tea red

bush i'm with you totally with you on red bush tea you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Right, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work,

but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why are they so bad you're nodding you're nodding at me well we're really excited about this we go on a boys weekend uh every december with a load of friends and there's about 10 of us who go now and we usually go to center parks um and we play this game almost every year. New people coming along, so we sort of add to the stockpile, don't we? Yeah, so we're well excited about this.

Miles, you're going to do your least favourite film, aren't you? Yeah, so that we do... I'll probably even throw in my song if you're interested as well, but we do... I'm not. Top two or top three worst ever songs. You have to explain why, what's behind the story of them, and then you play it, and then you explain why you hate it. That's great.

Which I think is great, because there's far more salt to a negative experience and talking about a bad song than there is about a bad song. Why do you like it? Oh, it's just a great song. Where's the negative song? Oh, you're going for hours and hours. Actually, we came up with that long before you started this podcast.

Yeah, hang on, he's pitched our idea. This is sort of ours. Well, neither of you have invited me to that weekend away, so how would I know about it? No, that's very true. Here we go. on, he's pitched our idea. This is sort of ours. Well, neither of you have invited me to that weekend away, so how would I know about it? No, that's very true. There you go. No, he's got a Porsche. Interesting.

I say, if I took the Porsche, I'd probably end up inviting his dad to break down there. Sorry, mate. Can you come out? So, a little backstory. Obviously, being from the same place, as you would know if you've gotten this far in the podcast,

my dad is an AA man, and he often goes out to, I don't know how many times, at least two, out to fix your Porsche't know how many times, at least two, out to fix your Porsche, Mark. It's packed in twice, and Mark finds it hysterical. Nothing gives me more pleasure than Miles having to eventually admit to me that his Porsche's yet again broken down.

It's only broken down properly twice in a year. That's a lie. It is twice. Three times at least. Well, let's get your dad on the phone and ask him. Right now He might be in his lap Has he logged it?

Has he logged it? Well he will do Why does it bring you So much pleasure? Just because Well you know A he's got a Porsche And I'm really pleased

For you Miles That you've got all the things Thanks Mark That means a lot Yeah I bet You know I've got my cash coin And that's just as good It's been a dream

Once I've had a 911 for years, and I've treated myself to one last year, and it's wonderful. Why does it pack up all the time? I think it's shit. It's packed up all the time. It's packed up twice, and there was barely any reason. They're very sensitive cars, like me. Right, come on, move on.

What's this do with entertainment? I'm laughing and yet I've had a drive of it and I love driving it is it good it's ferociously quick it's brilliant it's great fun

when it's running after my dad hears this episode he'll be waiting for the day that it packs up again so you can come around what's your dad's name

John John won't be long won't be long hello John how are you mate alright okay cool so I think that game's great name? John. John, won't be long. Won't be long. Hello, John. How are you, mate? Alright? Okay, cool. So,

I think that game's great. It's so good, isn't it? It is. So, we've got this stockpile of songs that we sort of put together, and it's lovely playing the song and watching the person's song. It is just... You put it on shuffle, don't you, so you don't know which song is really left. It's really lit you can physically

watch their toes curling or watch them sort of crumple in front of you it's a fun game it's really good and sometimes normally it's like

it's because A it reminds you of a shit time in your life or a breakup or a relationship or it's just a terrible song

so we have a rule that it can't be universally terrible so like the Birdie song or Agadou because they are everyone knows this shit. That's obvious, yeah.

So it's got to be something that you think, oh, I don't like that then. So it's kind of that, isn't it? So shall I go first? Go on then. Are you doing your film? I'll do my show.

Do your song first. Go on, do your song first. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, okay, cool. So Mark's song. So my least favourite song in the world ever

is In the Army Now by Status Quo. Okay, yes. You're in the army now. Oh, you're in the army. Why In The Army Now? Several reasons. I remember it being played at someone's wedding in about 1986. Right.

At the wedding reception. Yeah. And I just remember this wedding reception being desperately depressing anyway and it was in a scout hut somewhere oh and um and it was horrible and i was hanging out on the wall yeah yeah and i just wanted to go home you know and there's a load of uh adults you know, wearing terrible clothes, moving really slowly on the dance floor. Dancing to it. My status quo.

You know, usually with a song, you can go, oh, I like that. I connect with that in some way or, oh, it just doesn't work for me. In the Army now is on a whole different level. I don't understand why it exists. I really don't. Did somebody say to status quo,

you know what, you should write a song about being in the army now not in the past it's a terrible song it's a terrible song and also

it was such a departure from their sort of boogie woogie rock all of a sudden it has this sort of serious intent behind it it really gets under my skin as well

and I know it does even more with you it makes me feel angry I mean the thing I least want to do when I hear it is join the army skin as well. Even more with you. It makes me feel angry. The thing I least want to do when I hear it is join the army. I don't know if that was part of the point. But what was going on at the time of when it was

released? Was there like... Nothing. Was it like 1985? They reissued it about five, six years ago, didn't they? Why? They did a new video for it as well. So the video's absolutely terrible. Right, the worst bit of the song. I'm going to have to step back to do this.

Stand up and fight! Why is that in there? God knows. A few songs kind of elicit that sort of reaction from me. You know, it's kind of, it's the sort of feeling you get in your stomach. You know, it's not just a kind of, oh, I don't like this. In my stomach, I feel physically like...

Nauseous or... Notted. Irie sort of. Yeah. I mean, it's, you know, no wonder I'm having to take so much Gaviscon. You seem stressed now to be honest. I feel stressed.

I suspect you're talking about it's those songs where they come on the radio in the car and you just dive straight away for the off button because you literally can't listen to it

because it puts you in such a bad place. Oh yeah. So mine, very, very quickly because I know there's only one extra. No, no, no.

That's alright, Mark. Jack and Diane, John Mellencamp. Little ditty about Jack and Diane Two American kids growing up in the heartland

Terrible song. Yeah. Terrible, terrible song. Jack and Diane Two people doing the best they can Why are you talking like that?

What's the matter with you? Terrible, terrible song. Yeah. It's utterly, utterly meritless. Yeah. Meritless. It's burnt in a fucking vat of tar along with Mellencamp terrible song yeah it's utterly utterly meritless yeah meritless it should be burnt in a fucking vat of tar

along with Mellencamp what's the story what's I'm not interested in the story hold on it's about Jack and Diane yeah

it's very clear doing the best they can in the heart is it the way that he sings or is it it's the way he sings everything

the way he sings and it just evokes memories much like Mark's of discos of yore that are just bloody awful and depressing and people dancing to them. What happened to you? Do you mind if I probe this? Oh, absolutely.

What happened to you when you heard that song for the first time? I don't know, I'm just... Come on, go back there. No, what's this? It's not a counselling session. Come with me, Miles. Hold my hand.

Back in time. No, it's just a terrible, terrible song. What happened? Now, why are we going on to this? What happened, Miles? Nothing happened, Miles. Hold my hand. Back in time. No, it's just a terrible, terrible song. What happened? Now, why are we going on to this? What happened, Miles? Nothing happened, Miles. Well, your body language says something very different. Why are you folding your arms?

Why are you crying? Why are you crying? Now, do you agree? Is it a bad song? Well, that song, yeah. I wouldn't dare. It's a shocker. I work for a radio station, of which I will not name,

that plays it quite often, and that's just one of the songs. I'll find my headphones and put it on and put whatever else I can find on at that moment in time. Yeah, can do. We've got so many songs we could throw in. Yeah, but those are two solid choices. We could create a whole disco for the whole night of the desert island with all the songs we hate.

We could, couldn't we? What's going to be your film choice? You go first. Yeah, go on. Top Gun. Top Gun. A university-liked film. Yeah.

Why Top Gun? Yeah, it's just a terrible film, I think. I think it's... I can... Look, here we go. I can totally understand why people would like it.

It's very well put together. It's very sort of bombastic. It's got a nice storyline and it's lots of action stuff. It's very well put together. It's very sort of bombastic. It's got a nice storyline and it's lots of action stuff. It's just, just, I don't know, it's something about it

that just puts me in a vile mood. I think it's that set piece where they're singing to that girl at the bar. Right, yeah. It's just, it's so awful, so toe-curling.

I'm going to phone your wife and see if she can organise a must-go evening with Top Gun playing. Do you know what? I'm going to phone your wife and see if she can organise a must-go evening with Top Gun playing. Do you know what? I'm going to come and watch. And don't go in the bay and... No, just melon camp on. Melon camp, yeah.

I'm going to admit something to you now. I've never watched Top Gun. Really? Don't bother. And the reason I haven't watched Top Gun is because of the people that really like Top Gun and they just overly like it and I think I'm probably not going to be into the same type of films

as you here in here in lies the rub so I think your guest the other week might have mentioned this

our lovely Anna Morris who's on who's in our show that we're going to mention yes so she said I think about people who like

Robbie Williams see I've got this thing. It's sometimes with me, it's not so much the thing itself, it's the people who like it. Right, yes. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. You don't want to align yourself with them.

So it's kind of like everyone that said they love Top Gun, I know I've got nothing in common with them. Everyone. Not everyone. But that's the reason I haven't watched. Everyone I've met. Let's put it that way yeah um but yeah it's it's just uh just an awful film people that really love top gun i think i'm really not going to like it because you like it so much and i genuinely

think over time as well that women especially women's perception or men's perception of what was attractive has changed because in Top Gun everyone thinks that Tom Cruise is just like a dwarf and like Michael J. Fox he's like a 14 year old boy oh he's gold he's got a lovely bum

he's got 14 what's the matter with you I just don't understand why women ever find him attractive I find it very odd can I throw in a film I hate

this is going to be so quick I promise you take your time Highlander 2. And my reason for hating it is because Highlander 1 is one of the best films ever made. Okay.

And Highlander 2 ruined it. Right, okay. Okay, and that's it. It is a weird, yeah, it's a weird thing, you're right. It's a terrible film. Brilliant film,

but 2 is just like, what the hell is that all about? Because 1 was so good. Highlander 1 is incredible, even though the effects are awful. Is Highlander 1 the one, like, excuse my ignorance, is that about the Mountie?

No, that's due south. Due south. The series, the Canadian slash American. What's Highlander? What's Highlander? It's for Lambert. What year is it? Christoph Lombert.

85? 85, I believe. It's a soundtrack by Queen. Okay. It's a soundtrack by Queen. It's about a load of immortals who must fight until there can be only one. Okay, it does sound good. It's an amazing film. Really good story. It's a brilliant film.

And Highlander 2 was made a few years after. And it did that very rare thing of not only being a shit film in its own right, but also ruining the first film. Right, okay. Because everyone's scrabbling along to the cinema thinking, yeah, this is going to be great. And you're like, what's this? And it just made Highlander one shit. I've had to pretend it

doesn't exist. That's the only way I can revisit Highlander. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. What's so bad about Highlander 2? So, in Highlander. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. What's so bad about Highlander 2? So, in Highlander, the first film, you've just got all these immortals kind of tooling around, chopping each other's heads off, and it's just great. It's really good fun.

And then in Highlander 2, they said, oh, yes, just to explain, we're all aliens. Oh, what? You gotta fuck off. What? I don't need to hear that. I just want to know that you're Sean Connery. It's to explain that you don't need.

Exactly. Oh, man. They gave a bit of exposition where none were needed. Leave something to the imagination. Yeah, that's annoying, isn't it? So it's a terrible thing that should never have happened. I learned really quickly on this podcast to never pretend to have watched a film that you haven't actually watched. Oh, you get caught up.

So I've got to be open. Yeah. Got to be open. You've never seen Highlander, have you? Never seen Highlander. Honestly, don't watch Highlander 2. Never watch Highlander 2. Watch Highlander because it is a good film.

I'm going to watch it. It's a great film, in fact. Great. Will you let me know when you've seen it? I absolutely will. Yeah. We're Twitter friends now. I'll message you and let you know.

And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Peacock. Peacock! No one has said a peacock on this. Why a peacock? Because they just love themselves. Yeah, they do.

They can't give them a cuddle. Doubt you can eat them. No one's ever had a peacock. Miles has tried. I've tried. Also, they just go... That's the noise. So it's just basically Saddle Sun putting their hand through a wood chipper. For hours and then...

Brilliant. That's why they eat a peacock now. It's so good. Hate them. I'm actually quite scared of them. I just think they're very weird animals. Quite nice to look at, though. They're so beautiful,

and yet they make the vilest noise out of all animals. It's kind of a bit of a cruel joke really, isn't it? And can I make one quick dishonourable mention of another animal that I hate

and I feel really awful saying this but I'm going to say it. Martin, who works with us in our production company, he's a brilliant, brilliant guy.

He brings his dog into the office. Right. His dog's called Fergus and I hate Fergus. Does he know? Does Fergus know? Martin knows. I call him the bad word. I love Fergus.

I think he's a darling little soul. That's because he hasn't bitten you for a while. He's bitten me quite a bit. I think he's a lovely little soul. He's out for himself a bit. He bites. He snaps sometimes, but I think he's a lovely little stuff. He's not. He's out for himself. Out for himself? Fergus, Fergus.

Like Robert Maxwell. He's an animal. Fergus works for Fergus and no one else. All right? Fergus couldn't give a shit about you. If you had a stroke in the office, it'd be at you, kind of burying into your face.

Because he's a dog. In moments. it's best friend fuck off are you too small a unit that you can't say to Martin don't bring Fergus in oh he has to bring him in

I can't remember why I like Fergus and also in fairness Mark and I have separate offices not because we don't get on but

so Martin and I are in the production office and Fergus is in there so he's not he's not hovering around he's in all the time he's not anywhere near you you have to look at a Snickers wrapper and he's in the production office, and Fergus is in there, so he's not hovering around. He's in all the time. Yeah, but not anywhere near you.

He's in any other room. Look at a Snickers wrapper and he's in. Why have you got separate offices? Oh, we don't get on. No, no. No, we do, we do. It's just the way it works out. So the way our office is divided up,

one's like the edit suite, one's like the production office, so I look after more production stuff, and Mark is more sort of editing stuff. Oh, right. So we've kind of like been siloed, not through choice, just the way it is you know

we have a central place we meet up I mean to be fair we're roughly three metres away from each other through a wall I'm in the LA office he's in Truro in my Truro I don't know

okay a peacock anything else any other reasons why you'd pick a peacock not that really I just think it's just ridiculous things I mean they Okay, a peacock. Anything else? Any other reasons why you'd pick a peacock? Not really. I just think it's just ridiculous things. I mean, they are beautiful to look at. And, you know, when you see one without its feathers down, you think, go on, go on, go on.

And they put, oh, they're wonderful. Yeah, that was enough. I think somewhere now there's a peacock podcast and a peacock going Miles, can't fucking stand Miles Chapman. The way he struts about. The noises he makes. Peacock podcast. I just love imagining you just being next to a peacock

being like, go on, go on peacock. Do it, do it. Yes! When the feathers come out. I prefer the image of you trying to embrace a peacock I don't know why you're doing that. You can't cuddle them, you can't pick them up, you can't. No, well that's

why they're not usually in the petting corner. Yeah I know, but that's why I wouldn't have them on a desert island. Okay, a peacock, a peacock goes on the island. Well, thank you so much, guys. Let's talk about Lee and Dean. I can't wait for this. So please tell me about Lee and Dean.

So Lee and Dean is a comedy that's on Channel 4. Starts on Good Friday. So this Friday. It'll be out this Friday at 10 o'clock. Straight after Gogglebox. At 10 o'clock. Excellent. Easy to remember. It's a peach this Friday at 10 o'clock. Straight after Gogglebox. At 10 o'clock. Excellent.

Easy to remember. It's a peachy slot. What a great slot. It is. It's an absolute zinger of a slot. We're very, very happy. It's the story of a couple of builders from Stevenage, Lee and Dean.

Miles plays Lee and I play Dean. And we've been best friends since school. And the story sort of follows what happens when two really sort of different women come into their lives. OK. Someone said to us a couple of weeks ago, oh, is it like a love triangle? It's actually more like a sort of a love oblong. Or dodecahedron, even.

OK. It's very webbed up as the series rolled on. And it's not just that. It's about, you know, our mates, the people that were with the boys on the building site. And there's other lovely characters that slowly sort of appear as the series rolls on. And it's about the bromance between Lee and Dean as well. Yeah, and how that sort of evolves throughout the series.

So it's a beautiful thing. We're really proud of it. So how did you research the characters? How did you sort of find Lee and Dean? Miles had an extension at my house. And we had a couple of characters for a while. I don't know what name we gave them. Were they Lee and Dan?

Might have been Lee and Dean. So Miles and I, we make up lots of different characters. It's what we've always done. And we just asked about playing around with them. And we had two guys just work down a factory, mate. You're on, mate. You're on line two later. Line two.

You're on, mate. You're doing 40 tonight, mate. It's not a few logg doing 40 tonight mate yeah a few loggers a few loggers yeah it just came from that and then and then it was uh we had a mark said we had an extension on our house and we had just a group of builders in there and they were just like oh my god i said there's absolute gold dust here it's so beautiful it's so universal because although they're very sort of class specific well i've been i'm generalizing here everyone has come across the build at some point

and experienced them. So we thought, actually, it's quite universal, but what we wanted to do was, you know, I thought, well, builders, you know, on the surface of it, they're just, oh, mate, go have a few lagers, Sky Sports, you know what I mean, have a shag around. But actually, scratch the surface is so much more to anyone.

Yes. And I thought it would be very, you know, intriguing and exciting to sort of, like, find out more about these people underneath and build a character. So that's kind of where it came from. Great. And is there any of you two in Lee and Dean?

I suspect there probably is. Would you say there is for you and Dean? I don't know. I don't know. That's interesting. I mean, Dean's quite awkward and as I'm getting older, I'm getting more and more socially awkward.

Well done, mate. Don't know why that's happening um so yeah maybe a bit and oh and um Dean's a bit of a sort of a closet poet yeah and I used to write a lot of poetry when I was a teenager okay all right so that element has come in yeah that's in there that's in there have you enjoyed making it oh it's great. And the superb thing about it is that Channel 4 have let us make it the way we like to make things. So one thing is it's improvised. Oh, great. So we do have a sort of a script, but it doesn't have dialogue in it.

It just tells us what happens in each scene. We've got some amazing co-stars. Anna Morris, who you had on this podcast. She's great. Amazing. Hilarious. And Camille Yu on this podcast. She's great. Amazing. Hilarious. Camille Yu-Chan, she's incredible as well. She's just...

Both amazing people, amazing actors. A few names there. Perry Benson, Ramon Sikram, Ricky Grover, Tom Bennett was in Phone Shots. We've got a wonderful, wonderful cast. Perry Benson, This Is England. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Perry's been in everything. Yes.

Oh, Perry Benson. And the other thing that Channel 4 let us do which has been incredible is using all our mates so over half the cast are just mates of ours that aren't actors

they're just people that we knew would be hilariously funny and they do such an incredible job in the show yeah that's so good

so we just said be who you are but as this character and it just works an absolute wonder and you know we improvise so although we have

very structured scripts they're not sort of traditional scripts with dialogue we have sample dialogue that nine times out of ten isn't used and we improvise

within the structure of the scene so we know where we need to get what the steps or beats are throughout each scene but the dialogue

is sort of improvised so it gives that naturalistic sort of feel. And in the moment, some amazing stuff comes out. Yeah, that's great. Do you find that you have to keep shooting and shooting until you get that moment sometimes? Yeah, it kind of...

Occasionally, yeah. We shoot it and cut it a bit more like a documentary than a sort of a normal narrative sort of sitcom. So we shoot... I think the you know, the series in total is about two hours long and we had to get that out of 80 hours of footage. Right, okay.

So the way you do it. Extraordinary. I mean, and hand claps to Mark and Sam. So Sam was one of the co-writers on it as well. We went to college together. You went to college with Sam, didn't you? The job they did, I mean, I produced it, Mark directed it,

but the job they did with help from James as well, wasn't it? Jamie, yeah. Jamie on the edit was incredible because it was just a monumental task

and so much responsibility as well because, you know, you're delivering this to Channel 4 so it's not like you're doing it for your own gains and the pressure of, you know, wanting to make something

really good is, you know. But then you're really happy with the end product? Oh, we are. Oh, God, I oversaid, yeah. And Channel 4 seem really happy with it and they're putting it out at a great time. And the other thing, and it's the first time they've ever done this,

is that first episode is going out on Friday the 30th at 10 o'clock and then all the other episodes will be on each Friday. But straight after the first episode, they're going to put out the rest of the episodes on all four of the on-demand service. So if you want to binge it... You can just do it straight away. And we're the first show that Channel 4 have ever put out that way,

which we're really excited about. So you can get that tickle and then think, right, I'm going to watch this all weekend. I'm going in, yeah. Amazing. And we just hope people like it. You know, we think... I mean, we hope it's really we think we hope it's really funny

we hope it's really warm and sort of touching as well yeah it was a joy to make it was the best thing it was a dream come true to make it actually second series what do you reckon? oh right okay no news of that yet but god that would be incredible

we've already sort of roughly plotted out what may happen in the second series. Oh, okay. I'm taking a massive new mortgage, so, you know, that would be helpful. Okay, fair enough. No, I'm joking, I'm joking. Or am I? I don't know.

Yeah, so, you know, God, yeah, we'd love a returning series. That would be incredible. Well, I absolutely cannot wait to watch it. Thank you. I think it would be hilarious. If people want to find you guys, where can they find you?

So you can find us at bingofilms.co.uk. That's our production company. Or you can find us on Twitter. You can look up Bingo Films or you can look up Lee and Dean and Bingo Productions and Lee and Dean are on Facebook as well. So just Google stuff and it should all come up. I mean, our website is a good port of call. Most stuff you need to know is on there.

All right. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for coming in. Thank you. Thanks for having us. Thank you.