Desert Island Dicks - MARLON DAVIS

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

Comedian Marlon Davis chats to Dan about the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with. And it's a good job he did, because otherwise it would have been a totally different podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today's guest is Marlon Davis, and it was lovely talking to him about his worst people and worst things to be stuck with on the island. If you haven't seen him then go and use the internet to find out more about him because he's really funny. And don't forget we've got over 100 episodes in our back catalogue, probably somewhere around 130 now. So there's loads to explore, whatever you're into. And if you do enjoy it then please subscribe and give us a review or a rating.

In all honesty I've had a bit of a weird stomach bug this weekend so I'm a little bit tired and not really full of beans for this intro but luckily I recorded the main podcast bit before all that happened so I'll be normal in that and I think it's just time I'll stop talking and let you all enjoy Desert Island Dicks with Marlon Davis. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Marlon Davis.

How are you doing? I'm doing good. Thanks for having us on. Thanks for coming on. What sort of mindset are we greeting you with today? I mean, how are you feeling on this sort of average autumn day? On this autumn day, I'm feeling quite excited about this. You know, just having to get these dicks and just put them in a place

and no one has to ever deal with them ever again. I'm quite up for it. So, yeah. Selflessly, I mean, no one else will have to deal with them, but you will have to deal with them because you're going to be stuck with all these things. So that's the slight caveat. That's all right. I like that you're taking one for the team i'm taking one

for the team i'm a superhero this is what this is nice great well i'm excited they've got to cleanse the world we've got to cleanse the world of these assholes so yeah okay well let's go straight in and who's going to be your first choice for the island? My first choice has to be Sadiq Khan. Okay, right. Sadiq Khan, as you know, is the current mayor of London. And I've chosen him because he's basically inconvenienced me. Okay. So this is what this is.

Okay. Well, how has the inconvenience g well um a driver and he seems to be having a war with drivers at this moment in time um no one's really talked about it like it's not there's no his like i don't know there's no big battle history of anything but it seems not only just drivers, but just the inconvenience myself in particular. Right. And because of that, he's got to go. He's got to go there because the thing is,

I'm a comedian. And what we do is we travel all around of this wonderful Island, entertaining the masses yeah so i i'm from london and i have to leave london and i go to places like darlington and i go york and i'll go to places like wrexham and yeah well you know this is what it is so to get to these places you need a vehicle you need a car and i decided to get a diesel because it's good and fuel is economical and it gets me to but i've said yep that's definitely what i got so i invested in the diesel car and i got my diesel car and everything's fine and this gentleman has said yeah said, yeah, we're going to introduce a Uli's charge.

I said, what the hell is this? Oh, yeah, so ultra low emissions. What the hell is this? Is this some new thing he just made up? Yeah, he said, yeah, I haven't used it. It was too many emissions. I was like, all right, cool. So what I had to do at that point point I had to get rid of my diesel car

and trade it for you know petrol I didn't go electric because I don't like those cars they're kind of creepers aren't they they're just like I don't know someone just turned up behind you

what the hell are you doing behind me you're just a creep I don't want that so i got a proper car which is a petrol car same brand same make so i've got mercedes and it's the same year but my diesel car the car that i bought is still new one so the new one was older and then i had to pay four grand to get an older car so I could drive in the Uli's zone. Right. Yeah. I think I sort of feel torn because on the one hand, I'm like, well, you know, like air pollution in London is terrible and like it's really bad.

All the kids get an asthma. And then on the other hand, it's like it is quite inconvenient as well. It's like, I get what you mean. I get it. Don't get me wrong. i get it don't get me wrong i get it and you know we don't want pollution and all these things that's fine just do that to everyone else that's not me right so you make me have to buy a brand new car well a brand new older car than the one that i had got the ulys charge i said all right it's fine so i'm able to drive into central london again so i'm able to do performing and doing loads and loads of gigs then he's changed his mind again so what's he done now it's not this Uli's charge I've just

bought a brand new vehicle yeah you maybe have to buy a brand new vehicle then he's extended the congestion charge to 10 p.m seven days a week he's not going it's uh yeah because that's exactly the thing isn't it like i went in i think since lockdown like i go into central london very little obviously you know like a comedian like you you know you need to go in all the time i just went in for a haircut and i thought i was still a bit it was like my first time into central london since like everything you know since the lockdown and i was like i'm gonna drive in because it'll be nice and quiet for once completely forgot about the congestion charge being on that late and then I was like I've just made my haircut a lot more

expensive like I didn't like this is I could have got a cabin see what he's done he's done that to you he's doing this to a lot of people so look I'm sure he's a lovely man right I've got those where he's come I think he's from tooting or something like that he's an MP I'm sure he's a lovely man but just wait don't do that do you know what else he's doing you know what else he's from Tooting or something like that. He's an MP. I'm sure he's a lovely man, but just wait. Don't do that. Do you know what else he's doing? Do you know what else he's doing? Because I heard about this the other day. He's going to extend the congestion charge in Uli's zone

to the north and south circle now. Oh, I did see that. And that was... So it's going to cost you £15 a day for you to leave your house, for you to get a haircut. That's it. Yeah, I did see that, and that made me feel very... I was like, I might as well just get cabs everywhere

because there's no point. The cabs are going to go up. The price of cabs are going to go up. For London, that always goes up. Yeah. This is... I don't know. It's all a price.

I sort of feel like... Yeah, as I say, I feel torn because i kind of think okay well you know we've got to have like drastic actions to kind of solve all these problems and it's not going to come with just little little solutions you know it's got to be big inconvenient changes sometimes but there's no sort of alternative that it's like you kind of go okay i'll get rid of my car so uh is there any cycle lanes no i'm like i don't want to get killed on my bike do you know what i mean it's like if you can give me like you know you go to holland and there's like a whole separate road for your bike and you could you're only ever going to get hit by another bike in that little bit

that's okay you know but like trucks and buses and stuff and i take about four hours to wake up in the morning i'm very sluggish individual so you know i'm not i can't cycle to work and be safe if i'm around other vehicles you know like and i just think all right i'll ditch my car but give me something safe to do instead you've got those things i mean you've got the bikes as you're saying but have you seen the new scooter motorized scooters now man i feel like this is my new crusade is someone approaching 40 i'm like they're like i found my old grumpy man thing to be pissed off about yeah it's like guys around my area it's like you're on the street now you're on the

pavement now you're on the other side of the street now you're on this like what are you doing and you're so fast it's like they're faster than anything else and they're silent and they ride everywhere i hate them yeah this is what he's doing they're probably very fun but i also hate them it looks fun i haven't been on one because i've been myself as well like because of my age and then also my frame i'm quite big so i just look like i was like a teddy bear like riding on the school it's like you see everything in the circus that's what i feel like if i got one of those things but with sadadiq Khan, I think on the island,

he'll probably try and do something like this as well. So he'll probably try and implement some sort of scheme to inconvenience me there. So I'm not allowed to be at some place. Like a big one-way system or something on the island? I think so, yeah. I don't want that. I'm sure he'll do something like that. Fair enough, fair enough.

Well, I feel your pain. All right, well, let's see who's going to be joining him. Who's going to be your second choice? My second choice has to be Fat Dwayne. Fat Dwayne? Yeah, you don't know Fat Dwayne. I don't know. Not a lot of people know Fat Dwayne.

The world wouldn't know, but around my ends or my area, everyone knows Fat Dwayne. Okay. He's notorious. He's a bully and he's definitely putting him on the island. How my thing with Fat Dwayne, I'll tell you this, is that we go, it goes back to when I was about 12 years old, 12, 13, something like that.

And he put a hit on me. Right. Yeah, which is strange. I mean, I've seen like hits or wanted, you know, posts in I Watch Cartoons. I was like, this is weird. Why? This was random.

And I found this out by Metal Mouth Paul told me. Metal Mouth Paul and another kid called Austin Sweeney. They said, yeah yeah we've heard that fat dewayne's after you and i was like what was he after before and he goes well i don't know and he broke austin sweeney's arm wow so like this guy was someone not to be messed with yeah yeah right and so i found out that he was after me what am i gonna do and me being how i am quite rebellious it's like yeah whatever like it'll be fine and we were playing um kirby do you know what kirby is yeah where you throw the ball against the curb against the curb and you and

if you catch it you get a point don't you like it's great so we're playing kirby um great game and um in the distance at the end of the road, Fat Dwayne, he just appeared out like some bushes or something. And he goes, Marlon! That's how his voice was. He must have been... And a deep voice. He's a kid with a deep voice.

I don't know if you've all heard one. He's like, Marlon! I'm after you! And I was like, what the hell? Crazy! I was like What the hell Crazy I was like Whatever And The first

He Come down the road And the worst thing I did Was I ran And running Meant fear And that was the worst thing I should never have run

But because of that Now I'm like pussy In his eyes And everyone Oh my god he's after Marlon he's after Marlon

and so it was summer holidays as well and I didn't like having a hit on me that means you know because I can't go out

and play can't go to shops or anything so I still make my sister go to the shops for me to get like the jawbreakers right

and my sister was like oh come on you know you do got to do something about this fact the way he got to nothing and i'm like he broke austin's arm like what's good dude to me so she goes oh just sort it out so like i went into training and i watched karate kid um part one and two as you do and um i was doing all the wax on wax off all of that and my mum thought it was great but she was like look the house is very tidy i like what you've done with the fence but look you need to go outside and play you're getting on my nerves and i was like i don't want to go

outside and play because fat duane's after me she's like look you just need to go out and play and um i went to my sister and i said look can you get me like some jawbreakers she goes no i've had enough. You just need to go out there. Go and face your demons. Go and face your fears. I was like, all right,

I'm going to do it. So I left the house on my way down to the corner shop, which was Yogi. Yogi was a news agent. He shut down now, which was a good thing

because once you go into, there weren't that many shops that sold the sweets and you saw penny sweets as well but he used to like dig his nose and touch them and like he shut down like he had a kid in there that lived with him right and she sometimes would be in the shop and her teeth was rotten which is not a good sign but she was wrong because she used to like open up sweets and eat them.

And then Yogi would just sell it to you. So you'd buy a packet of Smarties and you'd have a tube. There'd be nothing in it, one or two. This is how it was. But I knew that's where I was going to go and get my jawbreakers. So the other system that Yogi had was you couldn't just push open the door. It was all locked. This was because he used to get robbed regular

maybe or maybe the shop was a front for his drug dealing. I don't know what Yogi was about. So I got down to the shop and I pushed open the door and he goes oh hi, I ain't seen you for ages I was like yeah

it was Fat Dwayne's after me and what happened was like I could feel like there was some sort of eclipse that was going on like there was something like I was like why is it so dark and I turned around and outside of the door was Fat Dwayne. Nah. You know what I mean? I was just like, oh my God. And he was at the door, he was like, Marlon! I can see you in the shot! I'm after you! I was like, oh my God, he's after me. Oh my God, what am I going to do?

I don't know, I don't know. The door opened and now I was faced with Fat Dwayne. So it was like, you know, cowboys at high noon just looking at each other. And he's there looking at me. He goes, Marlon! I said, Fat Dwayne. He says, Marlon!

I said, Fat Dwayne. He goes, I'm after you. I said, I know. You keep saying that you're after me. You've ruined my whole summer. Look, can I ask why you're after me. You've ruined my whole summer. Look, can I ask why you're after me? He said, it's because

you're going round, Marlon, telling everyone that my name's Fat Dwayne. I said, but you are Fat Dwayne. And he goes, I know. That upsets me.

And I went, I'm really sorry. And Yogi said, give him a hug. And I went over to fat the wave. Right? And he beat the shit out of me. He beat the shit out of me he beat the shit out of me in Yogi's shop like sweets are flying everywhere

and then everybody from the block was like ah Fat Dwayne, because they all came down Fat Dwayne he's got Marlon he's beating me up in the shop left with a black eye and it was just horrible I still had a jaw breakup like he must have dropped my jaw i don't know but he instilled so much fear into me

and i didn't like that and that's another reason why i was like i wouldn't want to be in a desert island with someone like that yeah right because you're already scared as it is anyway but just having that there i don't know oh man i feel like you're taking me on a real journey there i'm like i think that's the thing though isn't it like childhood fears and i even as an adult you know like you go back to the like where you grew up and there's still things that will freak you out and you're like no wait i'm a grown-up now you know i have a job and a car and a wife but there's still like the idea of like you know like i remember getting mugged once where i grew up and i on the way to the local shop and every now and again like if i see kids hanging around there i'm just like oh wait it's wait no i'm 38 it's okay now yeah yeah It's post-traumatic stress, isn't it?

But yeah, if he's on the island with you. Yeah. I'm just going to have that. Yeah. He's just making me do stuff. Just lurking. Exactly. I don't want it.

Just lurking behind Sadiq when he's making you go the wrong way. And you're trying to disobey Sadiq. I couldn't. Yeah. And Fat Dwayne looms up behind you. Jesus. And the thing with Fat Dwaynene as well he's not fat anymore okay and he's a personal trainer now oh so now he's just huge he's yeah but yeah he's cut with it

and making people's life hell or pain just to try and what emulate him i don't know so um he'll be he'll be like that on the island so that's the thing so now he's like he's still obviously got a bit of a chip on his shoulder but now he's like tougher as well yeah so he's like yeah even more fit and strong wow but still has like the sort of the memories of being called fat duane and you're gonna end up calling that you're gonna call him fat duane all the time out of habit it's just like a knee jerk-jerk reaction, isn't it? And you'll be like, oh, we need some more firewood. Oh, you're Fat Dwayne. Oh, no.

And then, I'm not fat anymore. I told you. Look. And then he'll show you his six-pack and then crush you. God. Yeah. This sounds horrible already. Yeah.

And especially, like, I mean, just it's that vulnerability that you have as a child that will just always stay with you when you're around him. So I think exactly to be with him on an island. Oh, that's terrifying. That's a good choice. You already do feel vulnerable anyway, because you're on the island. You're just not aware of where you're going. Yeah. So you really feel sort of insecure and then having him there.

Yeah. It's a good choice. It's a very good choice. And who's going to cap it off? Who's going to be the final addition to the island? This third choice is quite controversial. It feels like that to me. Okay.

Because I love this person. Right. So you're not supposed to take, like, you're supposed to be anti, but I love this man. I think this person's amazing he's Dave Chappelle Dave Chappelle, okay Dave Chappelle is one of well, if not the best comedian

ever, right and I love him, I've seen him many times, I've gone to watch his shows definitely inspired me even to become a comedian definitely had an effect on me like I'm in a series

like I remember watching the Dave Chappelle show which is a groundbreaking sketch comedy like this movie's gosh why I put him in there is because he's a hero to me I don't think it's right for you to meet your heroes

because I won't be natural all I'll be doing is just trying to impress him all of the time you know and I'm a comedian myself and like you know he's on the plane and the plane's gone down right and then there'll be reports

possibly saying oh there's a plane that's gone down um Sadiq Khan was on it some people will cheer go yeah but did they hear that Dave Chappelle funny man Dave Chappelle was on it everyone was like oh oh there was another comedian on it too really what's his name Marlon so I've just become insignificant. I've come like a second-class citizen just because my hero Dave Chappelle is there. And then once he finds out I do comedy, does he like my comedy?

Because all I'll be doing all the time is trying to impress him. And if you try too hard, you fail. You know how it is. You've seen people just trying things all the time. He's just like, just relax, man. And I know I won't be relaxed and he'll be on the island

and I might go and fetch wood and people might be impressed and I don't really care about that all I'll be impressed

is this Dave thing that me collecting the wood is good like I don't know I just it's gonna fuck with my mental

having Fat Dwayne there. Yeah. Fucking with the mental. And imagine him and Fat Dwayne become friends. Then I'm going to be envious of that. Oh! Yeah, I mean, that would be the worst, isn't it? So Dave Chappelle and Fat Dwayne become friends.

Then you're trying to be funny to Dave. Fat Dwayne's going, shut up, Marlon. I'm trying to listen to Dave be funny. I mean, it just be like oh it'd really crush your soul wouldn't it yeah yeah it's awful i think yeah this thing about meeting a hero because the thing is like if you met them really in a really short period of time you could probably kind of go all right look i've only got this tiny window and i'll never see you again so i'm gonna just say you're brilliant and can ask you this one thing that I've always wanted to ask you but if you're on a desert island at some point

you've got to sort of get over it and just become normal people with each other but you're still going to have a massive list of questions that you've always had you know that you wanted to ask him all your life and he don't want to know because he just wants to get off the island shut the fuck up Marlon

asking me about things about how I one right i don't care right now jesus and also probably that thing of like you know when you're just you're so into someone's work and you know like everything they've probably forgotten about quite a lot of weird stuff so you're kind of like you know when you said this in that interview and they're like what what interview and you can't like you can't not feel like a stalker in that kind of exactly you know because they don't aren't not going to remember everything that they've ever put out but you will because you've watched it loads of times yeah i've got it on on vhs i've got it you know oh god then you'll be like he could freak him out because you don't want to be on the island with someone then maybe i'm the person that he doesn't want

to be on the island with like a super fan yeah yeah oh also i mean he's like as you say he's like one of the biggest comedians in the world right so yeah i also wonder if like has he gone to the point where he's kind of got a bit celebrity he's kind of i'm not saying he's a bad person but he might be used to a certain kind of lifestyle he might take it the hardest you know like because even sadiq khan obviously he's a politician but you know he's probably sort of living like a fairly relatively normal life i mean he's not going to be completely like averse to normal everyday realities whereas dave chapelle's in the sort of rarefied atmosphere yeah yeah and you wouldn't

want to see him turn into a bit of a douchebag you know i mean like if he was a bit like uh no sorry i want sparkling mineral water and you're like oh dave don't do this to me yeah yeah yeah you know oh i mean i'm sure he's not you know because i don't know this your hero no but he does he could change your opinion of of of them i mean i've had it myself and i was out where was i in nando's right and just nando's i was there with my son and we do this uh because you know i'm a single father and we bring the child to eat and we take pictures of them and make sure that the kid's all right. And it just validates that you're a good father. So I'm in the Nandos having a meal with my son and someone came over to us when we were eating. He goes, Marlon, aren't you?

I said, I am. He goes, oh, you're a very, very funny man. I love that. And I was like, okay. I'm eating. So I know I've given off that vibe, like, piss off, I'm eating. But thank you very much anyway. And I was like, well, he's left now with that memory and gone somewhere else

with it. Even that short little whatever interaction with me. I wonder if that's what will happen with Dave from Wonder Island

and just become obsessed and yeah, I don't know. I don't know. You just never know how it's going to be and like, yeah,

I do sort of think like never meet your hero because I mean, apart from anything like Who's yours? Who's your hero? Oh, apart from anything like who's yours who's your hero oh well i mean david is my hero but he died before i got to meet him so i mean in that way he's kind of enshrined you know so it's okay i met um i met robert plant from led zeppelin once which was exciting like okay and uh and that was exciting but the thing is i just you just you remember everything you

say you're so hyper aware of yourself yeah and like it was in the place i work and he was waiting for an interview and like deal or no deal was on the telly right and and for whatever reason in this waiting room someone just installed a new 3d telly it's when 3d came out you know 3d tv came out yeah and so it's quite an exciting thing but for some reason deal or no deal was on in 3d so i'm standing next to robert plant watching deal or no deal in 3d glasses and talking to him about what a dick noel edmunds is but i'm like this isn't this isn't how i saw this going do you know what i mean and it was fun it wasn't really embarrassing, but I was like, I sort of,

afterwards I was like, fuck, I just met Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin. I love that band. I just talked about Noel Edmonds with him. And I didn't ask him about any of his music or anything. I think like at the end, I maybe got a really shit blurry selfie that I've lost somewhere.

Cause it was on an old phone, you know? Wow. But you're just, it's like, what do you do? You go, by the way, can I ask you about. But you're just, it's like, what do you do? You go, by the way, can I ask you about everything you've ever done, please? Or like, do you just talk about the here and there?

And it's like, you can't win. After you meet him, did you start to have like conversations or things about what you should have said to him afterwards? Yeah, I think so. Did that start playing out? Yeah, I think, I mean, it was a long time ago. I just kept like when people sort of asked me about like friends of mine who are also into zeppelin

have sort of said oh yeah and what did you say to him and it was like well he said this i said how noel edmonds didn't need to be in 3d because he was bad enough already and he agreed and and and so at least we had that moment you know at least we had that but in terms of like all of the things you could ask him yeah or like but then other times i've met i've met musicians and stuff and like you know they're just going about you're like you say in nando's you're going about your business and like you don't have anything to say back someone goes you're really funny marlon and you're like you're a complete stranger to me so like yeah and when you're on the other side of that and they're just blank and you're like so I shall say something

else about how much I like you now or I'll say something else and you're like you can't do a conversation you can just say thanks and that's about it you know what I mean so yeah it's doomed that's what I think will happen because we will land. A lot of people, sadly, might have passed. And Dave's like, oh, I was woken up. Okay, right. Where the hell am I? And then all of these people start coming out. And I might be one of them.

In fact, Dwayne's definitely one. Sadiq Khan. Yeah. And he might be saying to himself, well, who are these people? I don't know. It's a mad one. It's a mad one. I remember meeting Lister from Red Dwarf. Yeah. As you said about pictures. And you said you got a blurry picture. I went up, I think I was gigging, I was in Birmingham and he have been doing a dj set in the hotel that

we're staying at it was christmas time and i was like oh my god it's great charles over there oh my gosh and i went up to him like you know i mean but i'm still still kind of cool trying to be cool i was like you know mate like you're right he's like yeah yeah you get a selfie with you and he was like yeah so i got a selfie with him and the selfie picture i'm smiling and he's on his phone just like this he's not interested i couldn't i couldn't show anyone that picture yeah it's like it's like you're stalking him it doesn't count unless you're facing the camera together exactly otherwise it's me taking a picture of someone with their back turned it's like one notch up

from a stalker it's like i know but honestly he said it was cool it's like wow it doesn't look like he said it was cool it doesn't pictures tell a thousand words and it's words were like nah mate i don't know so yeah just meeting heroes i think the hero if you're on an island with a hero that's that's definitely one of them fair enough well i think the hero if you're on an island with a hero that's that's definitely one of them fair enough well i think you've picked three people that is going to combine to make a really awkward horrible atmosphere and that's exactly what we're after on this podcast so you're doing well but we're going to move on from people now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your

least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Food is corned beef. You say, mmm, like you like it. No, no, no, no. I'm like, mmm, I agree. It's a good choice. No, I'm like.

It's disgusting. No, I'm with you on this. I don't know. What I always say at this bit, I'm like really not a fussy eater. But corned beef, I cannot stand, man. So I'm absolutely with you on this. Yeah, but people know what it is. I don't know if listeners know what it is.

I'm sure people have heard. Beef in a can, right? But it's like, no other beef looks like that. No, it's all fat. It's all fat in it. It looks like cat food. Yeah, it tastes like cat food. Yeah, it's got a weird smell as well to it as well everything about it makes me screw up my face and sort of gag corned beef right and it's sort of like i don't know people with low income i think they probably i don't know people

of like high income i don't think the queen eats corned beef and rice i mean she doesn't do that it's just like a quick ready to eat meal i don't know like my mum used to whip it up like my aunties used to whip it up my gran to whip it up i remember being in jamaica and i would have been about four years old and i've already decided in these four years that i i not like corned beef. I detest corned beef. I do not want corned beef. My grandmother over there tried to give it to me. I said, no, I will not be having the corned beef. And she goes, look at him, he's got an English accent. Like, I don't need that. Like, I wasn't having it. But at the end of the road was this older lady I don't know who she is but I'll just call her a witch right she knows she's got a name but it's witch that was her name right

witch she's a witch because what she did to me I'll never ever forget right she found that like she was just at the house because you know this is how it was the neighbors there was at the house and she found out that i do not want the corn beef and she would just wouldn't have it because how dare this little boy you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com dictate what he can and what he can't have he's lucky we've got food for him he must eat it yeah but

she didn't say it that way what she said to me she came over to where i am and she goes you better eat this corned beef and if you don't i'm gonna cut your dick off wow holy crap that's that's incentive yeah well that's some threat I mean, just make some shit up. As a four-year-old, you can say, like, whatever happened to eat up so you're big and strong? Like, cut your dick off. That's like the nuclear option. That's the straight, the straight,

went straight to it, you know what I mean? Fucking hell. But she didn't say it out, she whispered it in my ear, you know? That's worse. Yeah, I know. She's like, I've seen it mafia they do that don't they you've got the whisperers all right just like yeah you better eat it and i was like what and i'm there looking at the plate and i can see like the food and it's just

there looking back at the smell i was like uh because i tried to push it away you know like do you do this like you just use your fork or some other utensil that you don't, maybe not the fork because that's going back in my mouth. So, like, I have a knife and just push that to the side. Yeah. Because I don't want to touch it. It was there looking at me now. And I knew if I didn't eat that, I was going to lose my manhood to come,

maybe, because I don't have manhood. Well, I had manhood, but it was four years old, so it can be you know what i mean she was gonna cut off man that is extreme and picked up the fork and some of it like was there and it knew i didn't want to eat so it fell down back onto the plate and i went up and she looked at me again she was you better do it and she pointed at me like that in that way so i went okay and um put it in my mouth when it went in my mouth you could feel it like it's the moisture it was awful it was this day it's this like it's a lumps you know it's all soft oh god and it went down my throat and like a tear came down my eye.

Because I knew what I was doing. I was eating the food and crying at the same time. And in the end, I kept my dick. But I hate corned beef. I hate corned beef. I've never eaten it ever again. Yeah, I'm not surprised, man. No.

Jesus, what a story. I just don't know what it is like how do you make something corned like what is it what is it like what has it got something to do with has it got something to do with corn like because i can't like and you don't nothing else is corned is it so it's like it's this weird little anomaly it's like like, what is it and why? And I don't understand. Why does it... You know, I get it in wartime when I, you know, it's the Blitz and all the buildings are falling down and the Germans are flying over.

Everything's fucked and all you've got is stuff in tins. Like, I'll eat the corned beef then, you know, when literally I'll get my dick and everything else cut off by a bomb. But, you know, when you're like, it's 2020. Like, we don't need this anymore. Let it quietly slip off into the night and not bother us again. Just to go away like the dodo. Just to go away.

I'd eat a dodo over corned beef. I mean, like, dig one up and I'll eat that over corned beef. Definitely, 100%. I'll eat that food. Awful. I mean, the only good thing is, I suppose, tinned food like that is designed to live forever. So, like, on an island, at least it will be about... Yeah, it does make sense.

But it doesn't make it any better. And it's going to get sand in it as well. It's like... Oh, my God. OK, well, what are you going to try and wash it down with? What's your drink choice going to be? Drink choice definitely has to be... I don't really know what to call it um i don't know if it's got a name it's vending machine juice right you know vending machine i don't know offices yeah

particular they'll have you know they've got they've got to look after their employees they bring in a lot and they value you to the business. What they have is vending machines for refreshments. The vending machines will have tea. They'll have coffee. People

use that. They might use it once. Never again. Because it tastes rag, doesn't it? It's's a proper rank but as bad as the tea and the coffee is they've also got this other option which did they call it drink yeah did they just call it a color i don't know what it is it's just rank right i remember there was one and it was purple, maybe. And you pressed on it and it was like they had black currents as an image. So you press on the black current image. He goes, okay, well, it's probably going to be a bit like Ribena.

This will be nice. And with this vending machine, it had like a plastic cup, right? And it just appeared from nowhere. And then what you could see is the machine just pissing. It's just, what is that, right? It's just liquid just coming out from

the source. And it, there was a tea just a while before that. So it's like, there's no way that this is clean. So I'm getting tea. It's not a pipe, is it? So I'm getting tea and blackcurrant juice mixed together and well done have that and go back to your desk and continue doing work or something no yeah that's out of order and also some of them have soup as well don't they so

soup and tea and juice and like yeah like it's not ribena it's not vimto it's not, it's not Ribena. It's not Vimto. It's not. It's like some weird no-man's land of squash, isn't it? It's like, what? Is this like, I don't know, they were trying to make a new flavour and failed and they just gave it to the vending machine company. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. The word for it is a word called fuckery. I don't know if you're familiar with that word,

but that's the only thing I could use to describe what that is and some machines they charge you as well but this particular one is definitely free it had to be free do you want the free juice, do you want the free piss that we're going to give you milk with water

it's madness you see the purple juice it wasn't even purple it was just clear water with coloring or flavors in them it can't be no good to you yeah yeah i've been in places like that where like i don't know i worked in a lot of factories at one point and uh they're like the worst vending machines and it's like a time when like all you want is there the sort of places where like when you've is there's sort of places where like when you've given up smoking for 10 years you take up smoking again just so there's like

a break to do something and you're like yeah oh i'll have a coffee i'll have something from that thing and you scrape together the coins just like oh this is my reward fucking hell this is so bleak yeah i definitely feel your pain awful especially if you're working in a factory so you're doing hard labor right you're putting your body through it so you're gonna need something a little bit of thirst right and and that's the only thing that's available yeah yeah just cut your tongue off i wonder sometimes they put it in as like a motivating thing so it's like i've got to get out of this place i've got to get out of this place do you know i mean it's like an aspirational vending machine you know it's like like the you know the thing in um like that weird uh psychic in the matrix it's like i didn't tell you the truth

i told you what you needed to hear you know it's like i gave you the drinks you needed to like elevate yourself you know but i don't know definitely but yeah definitely if you go to places as well to a car showroom or something like that and they go oh yeah you want to see some cars no problem uh have a drink like what i ain't having your vendor machine juice yeah like disgusting you want me to spend thousands of pounds on a car like up your game man give me a can of something you know disgusting yeah yeah oh god hospitals they're in hospitals as well isn't it that's places where people supposed to be getting better yeah not worse it's like it's just like it's like places where you've been through the mill a little bit like you're working hard or someone you know is really ill you're like give them something good i mean

the car showroom one it's like i suppose it's supposed it's supposed to be more of a treat you know and like you're purchasing a big shiny car but like yeah these people have been run through the mill like you know dad's on a ventilator or like you know give them something good yeah yeah yeah it's a good choice it's a good i forgot there was that weird juice option what a vendor. What is that? It's just red. Colour. I don't know what it is. It's been there since the 70s. It's disgusting.

And you're on this island. It's already had corned beef. And to wash that down with something. I'd rather drink my tears. I don't want it. I think you would be, man. That's a very good choice. Okay, well, look, fortunately,

you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Wow. My least favourite film of all time is probably Harry Potter.

Okay. It's controversial to a lot of people. People love Harry Potter. They have the books. It went into the theatres. Probably he's got a musical, Harry Potter. Harry Potter the musical. I'm sure there is one out there somewhere. Why I've selected Harry Potter Is Because it's boring Isn't it

Yeah Yeah it's boring It's just It's just I would love to Be able to Break down And use a lot of

Colourful I don't know It's just boring Yeah It's just really really boring And It's the first film I've ever slept in i go cinema

a lot because i'm i've got a son who i'm not with his mum anymore so you have to do the parental things don't you have to go to nando's like i said take the pictures the other thing that we'd find ourselves doing um to bond is to sit in the dark not talk to each other and watch a movie. We'll go cinema a lot. Cinema, when I go there, it's expensive. I know it's very, very expensive. They haven't got a corn option there, but they've got popcorn

and got all these other things that's just expensive. Hell of expensive. But you're going to go because you want to be a good dad so you gotta that's the price you've got to pay i've gone to the cinema with him and with him when he's in the cinema i know he likes the film if he doesn't say to me look he needs to go toilet yeah if he can sit through the whole it means he's fixed's fixed. He loves the movies, right? And if he's not really feeling it, he goes,

Dad, I've got to go to the toilet. And I go, all right, he goes to the toilet. With Harry Potter, we went to go and watch Harry Potter. I fell asleep. I fell asleep watching it. It's the only movie that I've ever fallen asleep in. And when I go to the cinema, I watch everything, right? I watch, and my son's like, come on, let's go.

I said, no, the movie's over. That's the credits, right? It's still the movie. It's so expensive. I need to watch everything. So I cannot, this is how boring the movie must have been for me to fall asleep in it. And I woke up, my son was there he was like

i don't even know how many times he went toilet it just made me look like a bad father and if that movie is on the island it's just gonna bring back that experience again because it's boring but then there's also i'm without my son. It's going to make me be aware of my parental responsibilities that I'm not fulfilling. So not only is it a bad movie, it makes me feel bad as a person. Yeah, you're a double whammy. It's a double whammy. So it's got to go in.

Fair enough. It's got to be there. It's got to be there. And music, oh, God. it's got to be there it's got to be there and music oh god this is there's a lot of songs I do not like right most of them are like them cheesy

sort of Timmy Mallet sort of Gangnam Style that would just be annoying I think any song even your favourite song if you keep hearing it on repeat that's the only song you're going to start to hate it. But if I had to identify one song, maybe not even a song, it's just I think it's got to be that heavy metal death rock. I'm going to have to put that there because I don't like it, which is one.

And two, I find it scary. And I'm already on this island with Fat Dwayne, which is already making me feel scared as it is. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to go in certain directions as well. And if I went the wrong way, I might hear... Oh, God, it's like my heart will start jumping out you know i just i think yeah that's that's it for me i think i can't tell you one song unfortunately yeah that because they all sound the same to me i think like there's like quite a long spectrum that goes from you know like normal

rock to sort of like insane death metal and i think with like lots of extreme music at some point it's just like how can we make this even more hard to listen to and like more difficult and challenging and it's like you know there's like points on that scale i could listen to but it still bits me like fucking hell i could listen to maybe one of those songs and then i need a very long break for a bit like yes you know it's like so and it's kind of one of those things where like if you're really into it then it's still not going to be appropriate for every time of day do you know what i mean like it's not like if you pick like it's not go to sleep music is is it? Yeah, exactly. Like even if it's your favourite music, there's times where it's just not appropriate.

So if you like, I don't know, just like 60s music or Motown or something, you're like, yeah, you could go to sleep to it. You could wake up to it. You know, like it's got such a small operating window, like death metal, that I think that... Yeah, it's just, there's never a time where like other songs you go i've kind of grown to love it it's the only thing i can listen to that isn't just our

conversation or the sea so oh let's put on gang gangnam style it's kind of fun now it's become a bit of a joke but yeah like death metal's never going to be funny it's always going to be like abrasive and scary it's intense and it'll be saying exactly probably what you're going through you're lost on an island all alone you don't know when you're gonna go home you're not you're gonna die and i'm just like oh my god i don't need this in my life i don't want to hear that that's a big song maybe classical i don't mind yeah you know yeah i don't think you're ever going to get to a point where you're like do you know what let's stick it on and have a party you just you just won't listen to it i'm sorry you just have the harry potter theme tune you'll

just go if you want music you're gonna have to just put on harry potter listen to the theme tune that'll be your music will is the weird sort of orchestral theme music to Harry Potter and his wizarding friends exactly fair enough okay now Marlon we're nearly there and we can get you out of your discomfort but finally the island is overrun

by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why I've been listening to this podcast. I love them. So they're really, really great. And this particular animal came up a lot, which would have been rats. So it's not rats.

I hate rats, obviously. But it's not rats. I'm not choosing rats because of that principle. The animal that I'm going to choose, the biggest dick of them all of all the animals are snails snails snails snails okay what's your beef with snails they're slow it's just simple as that they're really slow um i don't like i mean I know it's going at his own pace, but even a snail who had another snail in front of them would have said, come on, mate, taking a piss in it.

Fucking move. I feel like this all the time. It could be when I'm driving and you've got someone, I've got more of a need to get through that red light than you. It could be that that or it could be sure a train station and you're trying to go through the barriers but there's someone else that's in front of you that's really slow i hate slow things right this could be i don't know there's a there's a movie i think the it was Zoo Popia or something like that.

I don't know. Okay, yeah. That was another slow animal that was in there as well. I've watched so many animated things. Zootopia. I've watched so many things with my son, I'm forgetting what. Because there is one about snails where they race called Turbo, I think it's called.

Yeah. But they become fast snails. Yeah, they have to. Yeah, my son loves anything to do with cars and racing. He still wasn't interested in this film. No, rubbish. And they're quite feeble. I don't know.

They've got the big shell, which is your house. So they're not going to feel lost because they've got a house. Yeah. They're fine. Wherever they are, they're not going to feel lost because they've got a house. Yeah. They're fine. Wherever they are, they're fine. I mean, I suppose they're like the animal equivalent of a caravan and caravans aren't very exciting, are they? They are, too.

You know, so I guess, because I don't have much against, I mean, I'd always hate slugs more than snails, but when I think of them as tiny little animal caravans they do become a bit more annoying that's what it is i just also i tell you what when you come out of your house when it's raining and like if you step on a slug you probably won't notice too much unless it's like a really big one but when you hear that like pop and crunch of a snail breaks your heart yeah heart. Yeah. It does. You've done something wrong. And then you turn around and you go,

it's a snail. Yeah. It's a snail. It's in a bed there. But do you know what? I think the thing is, if... It should have moved.

It should have been coming. Too slow. Too fucking slow. Although I think like, I mean, with a snail, one on its own is fairly just like it's not a big deal but yeah we're saying that the island's overrun with this thing and it's quite weird about a lot of snails in one place you know like if you're in the garden

you turn over a bucket and there's like 17 snails and you're like whoa this is a bit weird i'm outnumbered yeah get me even if they're slow it's like yeah too much slow death fair enough you're good but i don't know like it's them and oh yeah i think you could um i heard you put salt on them yeah i think that and something happens to them and slugs yeah it sort of dissolves them but then yeah you're just gonna go have loads like half dissolved weird snails all around and like and then they can't even move away from you again so it's like yeah people eat yeah yeah in some countries they eat them i've got nothing nothing against that yeah that's your thing i think that's got to be one of those things though when that like again that must have come from desperation and now people just do it for fun whereas like

you know like if you get to the point where you're like fuck like should we try those might as well you know got nothing else here to feed my family and nowadays you're like oh i'll have the snails off the menu and like really because there's other shit have you you haven't read further down there's like there's a big long list of stuff you can you have anything you want anything you want i've got corned beef they've got like weird vending machines that's a nasty that's not a great party is it at all just what you're saying so come along if he comes to the island really yeah i've got some snails corned beef and vending machines man fair play what you need

well look i think you've done a really good job today with picking a really horrible environment for yourself to thank you very much so you've done a really good job and as you say look let's end on a positive you know you're saving the rest of humanity from these things so absolutely you know people appreciate it we do appreciate it now uh marlon um obviously things are a bit up in the air at the minute as they have been for what seems like forever now but where's the best place to keep up to date with everything you're doing and um that would be at the moment um there are some gigs so doing a couple of gigs every day so starting my'm just typing my name in Google,

which is Marlon Davis. I'm on social media as Marlon Davis. Because it would be strange to be someone else, wouldn't it? But I've just thought Marlon Davis is probably a good place for people to find me. So I type in my name. It's Marlon, at Marlon underscore Davis,

because someone else took my name you know oh man so I had to go through this whole I had to go to depot my name now so it's official Marlon underscore Davis that's it but I'm on all of the platforms

and I'm also you can find me at bus stops as well at the moment I'm doing a lot of previews there me at bus stops as well. At the moment, I'm doing a lot of previews there. Bus stops. I did one the other day. It took eight minutes. It took eight minutes for the bus to come

and then they took everyone else. Doing a lot on the buses. A lot of people aren't... They don't know what I'm saying because I've got face mask on. But yeah, yeah, things are changing. I'm just talking. I can just talk so much rubbish, I swear to God.

But no, you can find me, Marlon Davis, on social, whatever your choice is, everywhere. Nice one. Thank you. Well, thank you for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. It's been a pleasure. It was great. Cheers.

Cheers.