Desert Island Dicks - MATT ADLINGTON

Episode Date: October 17, 2018

My guest for this week's podcast is comedian and radio presenter, Matt Adlington. Be sure to follow us @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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for everyone on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and broadcaster Matt Adlington.

Hello. Hi, how are you? Yeah, well, yeah, I'm really good, thank you. Yeah? I nearly changed my mind several times on the way to this gig about who my dicks were going to be. Really? Yeah, the guy driving a red Corsa, the guy driving the bus. I'm amazed that everyone's

not bus drivers and taxi drivers on this podcast. Everyone must get the train here. It's true. Yeah, we haven't had that many. Driving through London is insanely stressful. Yeah, I can imagine. Yeah, when I met you. So a little backstory. I met Matt outside and we were really struggling to find a space. And I thought on a Sunday, it's a Sunday, by the way, while we're recording, on a Sunday, it should be fine. Should be. It's definitely not around here. No, it's not. Matt by the way while we're recording uh on a sunday it should be fine should be it's definitely not around there no it's not uh matt let's dive in who's gonna be your first person okay so the first person that i've gone for is someone that i hated before i even knew their name wow before i even knew them i thought i i just knew i would never want to be stuck with them for any length of time whatsoever okay i'll tell you how it happened basically i was in

australia i was in Australia. I was in Melbourne and I was crossing the road and the roads are quite wide in Melbourne, some of them. And I saw a car coming, but I got plenty of time. And as I got halfway across the road, this car sped up. And I noticed at that point it was a Bentley, so already a dick. And it honked his horn really, really loudly. So I, you know, being from Essex in Australia,

I thought I've got a reputation to maintain here. I called him a wanker and I was about to move on with my day. It was then that my friend told me that, hey, that's Paul Hollywood. No way. I had no idea who Paul Hollywood was at this time. Okay, I hadn't seen any of the programming. This was probably about 2012, 2013. So then I Googled him and I just hated him even more.

As soon as I started to look into... First of all, he must have picked that name. Right, yes. I'm not having it that his name was Hollywood and he happened to go on TV. Okay, yeah. At some point him or someone in his family decided that we're going to be famous and the way we're going to do it is we're going to call ourselves Hollywood.

Okay, right, yes. Right, okay. And then, he's famous for making bread. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's obviously making bread because he was driving a Bentley. Okay, yeah, he is nice. He's making bread.

He's driving a Bentley. But how do you make that much money from driving bread? No, it's true. There must be some underhanded... I also noticed that he's also... I found that I've just... I got into a wormhole of Paul Hollywood

and he's just... I haven't even got onto watching him yet, right? I found that he's made the world's most expensive bread. What? What does that involve? Well, not even nice tasting. This is the thing. He hasn't gone after flavour.

He hasn't gone after nice looking. No, he set out to make the world's most expensive bread because he's Paul Hollywood and everything about him has to be Hollywood. Right, okay. James, me and you can make the world's most expensive bread. We could just make a loaf of bread and get a 10 grand out. Yeah, yeah.

It's not difficult to do. No. But that's one of the first things on his Wikipedia page. But what's it like? Does it have diamonds in it? I know that's cliche, but like, what makes it so expensive? Baking is such

a precise way of cooking anyway, right? I'm sure he'd tell us that. Everything has to be just right. So if you're going to make bread, the ingredients to make bread are the same, whether it's one type of bread or another. It's true, yeah. So it must just be the value you put on it so it just makes a lot of money like just 10 grand 10 grand bread okay

world's most expensive bread thanks very much paul hollywood good night going home what a dick i love that so you when i heard you picked paul hollywood i was like okay great i want to hear why i didn't realize it was going to be so personal. No. Well, this is what I mean. I didn't even know who the guy was and I hated him. I'll tell you how much of a prick he is. You can tell how much of a prick... I can tell you how much of a prick he is. He's a prick.

He's definitely a prick. Because when the Bake Off went from BBC to Channel 4, even Mary Berry went, fuck that guy. Yeah, she did. No one followed him. he was the only one she did she's just an absolute dick

oh yeah he is the only one that went you're right I don't watch it but I know that they changed everyone else

and yeah and they couldn't get Mel or Sue to go across with him it was just because they stuck to their guns and he just went

where the money was I just think they were glad to be rid of him, to be fair. Yeah. We're going to Channel 4. Okay, that sounds good.

Is Paul coming? Yeah. Do you know what? I think I'll do nothing instead of going to Channel 4. I haven't seen Mel on anything since. No, it's true.

Or Mary Berry. I don't even know if she's making cakes. I think she might have put him off baking for life. Yeah. Unbelievable. Do you...

Sorry, silly question. Do you watch it? I do, yeah. Do you, so silly question, do you watch it? I do, yeah. Do you? Yeah, well I started when it went to Channel 4. Okay. Because the missus

quite likes it. So it's, you know, it's girlfriend friendly viewing TV, isn't it? Yeah, it is. So how do you feel when you watch it? Every time he comes on

it's just his smug little face. Honestly, we paused it once to make a cup of tea and it was just him grinning. And I loathed him. The entire time I loathed him. His blue eyes, I don't know.

Yeah, okay. He does have very piercing blue eyes, doesn't he? I don't trust them. No, okay. They look like the eyes of a wolf. They do. And you shouldn't leave a wolf around food. I don't know.

It's just, I don't know it's just I don't it's the day I also don't like his handshake ah so he's had he's obviously

thought to himself I am hated by many I need to find some way of ingratiating myself to other people and the best he could come up with

was a handshake a Hollywood handshake just don't call it that is that what it's called though but he called it that oh okay he's called it that no one else has gone over thewood handshake don't call it that is that what it's called but he called it that okay he's called it then no one else has gone all the hollywood handshake he's given it a name did he just make that up he must have done okay yes he must have done because it's just the

alliteration and everything is so it's so precise it's so thought out just and then okay so this is his way of making people like him he then rations them out to the point where it's made news recently because he shook three people's hand on a bake-off show and that is apparently him being too nice why i just he's purposely being a dick and i i hate him and i hate everything he stands for you seem to know a lot about him though it's like well is it like when you've got a scab and you just can't stop picking at it? Yeah.

It's like one of those kind of things. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, well, it's just... If he's going to put himself on my TV and I'm going to be forced to watch it because it's, you know, partner-watching friendly TV, I kind of felt like I had to have more of a reason

to hate him than he was rich. Okay. Because I'm not rich and obviously that's another reason why I hate him. But it felt like it needed to be more. Yeah, okay. But the fact that you're almost running over, what's he doing with a Bentley in Australia?

Exactly. What's he doing with a Bentley? Like, Mr Kipling, he makes exceedingly good cakes. I bet he's rocking around and robbing Reliant. I don't know how making bread has afforded him a Bentley. It's not as if he'd hired a Kia and they got there and they were like, oh, there's no Kias left. All we've got is this Bentley.

He chose that Bentley, right? Yeah, exactly. I imagine he had a personalised number plate as well, but before I could look at it, he'd scone. No? OK, fine, fair enough. Yeah, that was a little baking pun there. Sorry. Sorry.

You lost on me. No, mate, they got the reaction they deserved. OK, so Paul Hollywood's's gonna be your first choice any more on paul hollywood before we put him on the island i don't think so okay i don't think so so who's gonna be your second choice okay uh well my second choice is uh someone that might get me into a little trouble uh it's gonna be my uh girlfriend's uncle oh it's close to home yeah a bit close to home it's very specific specific as well. Girlfriend's uncle. Okay.

Is there a chance he might hear this? Let's find out. Let's find out, right? If you never hear from me again, then yes, he listens. Girlfriend's uncle. Okay, hit me. Right, okay. So what you should know about this is that the reason...

I imagine being stuck on a desert island with this man, okay? Okay, that's the whole point of the show, and, because I haven't got a problem with him per se, but being stuck with him would just drive me absolutely wild. Right. Alright, and I'll tell you the reason why.

A few weeks ago, I'm from South End-on-Sea, right, in Essex, quite nice at night and whatever, me and my girlfriend went for a walk along the beach. Really nice, really nice sunset,

and we took a picture, as you do, and we stuck it on Facebook. And then within minutes, my girlfriend's uncle had posted a comment saying, oh, lovely place for a proposal. Now, again, probably as a point, it probably would be quite a nice place. Me and my girlfriend have done quite a lot of traveling in our time. We have seen the sunset on Filipino beach. We've climbed active volcanoes.

We've jumped out of planes. We've deep sea dived with dolphins. Wow. Yeah, we've done a lot. Yeah, yeah. What it was about surfing on sea beach that he thought was so romantic that I should propose,

you know, with a bag of chips in my hand maybe or something like that. Yeah. I really don't know. I'd done all that travelling to avoid proposing. That was the idea. I'd invested my

time travelling the world to avoid having the commitment of marriage. But it wasn't just that comment. It's every time I see the man. What did he say? When are you going to do it? Yeah, every family barbecue, every birthday party, every get-together. It's not, hi Matt, how you doing?

It's, alright, you married yet? When's that happening? He's got no other conversation conversation and I don't know how many times in front of my girlfriend's family that I can back that conversation off in a nice way we're just not ready yet the time's not quite right you have to explain just why there's no

reason but you have to explain it absolutely every time why is he so invested in your future marriage I have no idea I've met the man Absolutely every time Why is he so invested in your future marriage? I have no idea I've probably met the man about eight times in my life And it's every time I've seen him And I just don't know where it ends Because say we do get married

What's next? Surely it's going to be babies I just don't know where it's going to end It's going to be relentless Yeah Okay I mean Maybe I'm just putting this out there,

maybe he hasn't got any other chat. That's what I'm starting to wonder, yeah. Whether or not, oh yeah, it's next week. And then that's it, he never speaks again. What if he got engaged and he wasn't invited? Well. That would be a meltdown there. That's not a bad idea, actually.

We should just elope and go and get married and not tell him. It happened three weeks ago. Or just hold back his invite. Send everyone their invites and just wait two weeks and be like, oh, yeah, yours. Why did it take so long to arrive? He'd be going mad. You never seemed like you were that interested, Matt.

I didn't think to invite you. I'm really sorry. Okay. As if. So I'm guessing he put all the pictures up of these travels on Facebook and stuff, and he would have seen these things. Yeah, he knows about it. He comes to the leaving party. Does he?

He comes to the leaving party. Yeah, he asks us then, are you going travelling? You're not getting married then? I was like, no, mate, no. Have a day off. Okay, so you've only met him a few times. Hmm, interesting. Where does he live? He's's local is he local he's

local to us yeah okay but he's got to the point where we kind of avoid going to family barbecues and things that where we know he's going to be just because my girlfriend's the same like he's no big secret we've obviously talked about the whole marriage thing we know it's not happening just yet yeah so i don't know whether he's trying to do it just to maybe put pressure on me or catching me out whether it's like a power move. Oh, okay. Power play. So he puts you on the back foot

and then he's dominating the whole conversation, right? He's like, oh, look at me. I'm wondering. That could be a thing. But it winds my girlfriend up as well. Maybe you need to pick

something of his that he kind of needs to get around to doing. I don't know anything about him. Okay. I don't even know if he's married. Okay.

He's an uncle. There could be an auntie. I'm not sure. I don't know. Didn him. Okay, yeah. I don't even know if he's married. Okay. He's an uncle. There could be an auntie, I'm not sure. I don't know. Didn't even get introduced. Okay. All right, girlfriend, uncle, yeah. Interesting. Why is he so invested?

Maybe he just loves a wedding. It could be, yeah. People do like a wedding. Maybe, yeah. I hadn't thought of that. Is she next in line? Okay. Or is everyone else, do you know what I mean?

Is she the next in the family to get married? Yeah, both her brothers are engaged. She's putting a lot of pressure on her. She's getting to the point where her dad's a jeweller as well. You could get a great deal on her, Stone. Well, it could go one way. I haven't never looked into it, but it's one way or the other. Either I'm going to get a great deal,

or he's going to know exactly how much I'm spending on a wedding ring, and it's never quite good enough for his daughter. Yeah, okay. Definitely go somewhere else. But either way, if you do go somewhere else, he's going to look at it and he's going to go, nah. Exactly. He's going to critique it.

Nothing's going to be good enough, so it's just best to avoid the whole situation. I'll never meet her family again, and we'll just live happily. Just move. Yeah, just move. Move somewhere else. I might just move to London

because then they could never park to come and visit us. That'd be great. That's a good way of doing it. Okay, girlfriend's uncle is going to be a second choice. That's great. And who's going to be your third?

Okay, the third person was quite difficult. Okay. I really had to sort of think about... Because hating people. I took it as hating people rather than being a dick so i thought okay who's going to be the worst person to to live on a desert island with and i i settled on someone that would be the least helpful okay and in my mind that person is neil buchanan yeah you remember neil yeah i remember neil

buchanan art attack yeah this is Yeah, this is an Art Attack. This is Art Attack. Exactly, right? So I've just put myself imagine myself on that desert island and I think I would be the kind of guy that would go off collecting firewood, scaraging for berries, whatever, you know, maybe try and build a raft.

So as you're collecting all this firewood and bringing it back to camp and putting it down, next time you go off and try and gather suppliers when you come back i can only imagine neil buchanan has made that into a mosaic of a tiger yeah or something like that yeah it's good this is art attack no mate that was meant to be our life raft you're literally gonna kill us that is so good you're just turning everything that you get into an art attack that That is amazing. I love that. I can imagine the wreckage of the plane just all of a sudden looking like Buckingham Palace and just going, if there was

any hope of using any communication device off that plane, it is now gone because it is now part of the Union Jack. That is so good. That is really good. Oh my god. The only redeeming feature that I could think about for Neil Buchanan

was that he must, he must have had a supply of PVA glue just constantly on him because it was everything. Yeah, it was. The show should have been called This Is PVA Glue. It is. Everything was PVA glue. And then the parents are having to go out and buy PVA glue because of that programme.

Like every house had like a pot of PVA glue in it. Yeah, yeah. That was the thing, wasn't it? Everything in art attack had to be made out of household objects right yes so there's like sponges or bin liners and all that okay yes but then it was always pva glue yeah and it always like you'd use it once and it turned into this hard thing and then like a few weeks later you'll be like oh look mum there's an art tag she's like you got that pva glue and you open it out and it's just like this solid thing that you can't use. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or the lid would always get stuck on because it would spill around the lid of the lid and then it would get stuck. I wonder if I'm getting mixed up with school because I wonder if anyone's actually ever made an art tag. Do you know what I mean? Has anyone ever watched that programme and then gone away and made one?

I don't think so. I don't think so. It would astound me. Not only that, because especially when I was younger, PVA I don't think so. It would astound me. Not only that, because when, especially when I was younger, PVA glue at school was delicious. I used to eat it all the time when I was a toddler. Yeah, I mean,

I was a bit of a weird child, admittedly, but I used to eat the PVA glue. Did you? I used to get stuck on my fingers. I'd peel that off. Oh, that's quite, that was good.

That was very satisfying. Yeah, it was, wasn't it? To the point where I think that would be a good tool for giving up smoking. Ah. Just if you've got your hands, wasn't it? To the point where I think that would be a good tool for giving up smoking. Ah. Just if you've got your hands... Think of it, if your hands are constantly covered in PVA glue,

you couldn't put a cigarette on it. No, you couldn't. But then you've got the satisfaction of peeling it all off. Yes, that is good. Nice, okay. I'm into that. That is good. Something to distract it.

Big question. Go on. Would he have the head with him from Art Attack? I imagine so. He didn't go anywhere without that, it wasn't there another tv program he did so it was an art attack but the head was still there no i'm sure i remember okay that's good i don't know i don't remember that because i'd forgotten all about the head right until i started looking a bit into neil buchanan for coming on here and i found out something about the head that i'd never known or never noticed before. Apparently

if you look closely, they'd actually his hair had been designed in such a way that it spelt out the word sex. No! So they obviously done it backwards so that it worked when it was on camera. But yeah, apparently the whole time it just said some sort of what do they call it? Subliminal message.

It just said sex on his head. Sex next to it. What? Absolutely bizarre. Why did they do that maybe maybe maybe there was a comma missing from the name of the program

this is art comma attack there was some sort of weird subliminal I don't know it was very very strange very strange

okay do you know he was in a metal band as well or a rock band um no Neil Buchanan Neil Buchanan was in a metal band as well or a rock band? Um, no. Neil Buchanan was in a rock band. Neil Buchanan was and is now again in a rock band. Is he? Called Marseille.

Which doesn't sound very rocky. Like the place in France? Like the place in France, yeah. Marseille? Yeah. Apparently they were the first ever band to win Battle of the Bands. What? And the weirdest thing about it is, I looked him up, he doesn't alter

his image at all. All he's done is taken off his art attack jumper and put on a black vest and now all of a sudden he's meant to be some sort of

serious rocker. Really? Yeah, absolutely. His guitar's made out of macaroni pasta. Cheese strings. This is an art attack? It's a cereal box

with a few toilet roll tubes coming out the end and bits of string. Yeah, that's it. All held together with PVA glue. That's amazing. I love that he was, like, making heart attacks and then going home and just playing some really hard metal

to get over it. I know. Nicest guy in the world on TV and then going home, just going, I can't take any more of this and just had to have some release. Amazing. Head-banging.

Neil Buchanan just turning everything into an arctic. That would be frustrating. Anything more on Neil Buchanan? Any other discoveries? I don't think so. I think that's enough for me. Just the fact that it would mean certain death if you were stuck on an island with Neil Buchanan. Nothing would get done.

Okay, Matt. Neil Buchanan's got to be your third choice. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Okay, so I'm going to start off with the food. Okay, food first.

Because we're about, what, are we about 20 minutes into this now? Bang on. Bang on, 20 minutes, right. So I'm contractually obliged after talking to someone for 20 minutes to tell them that I'm a vegan. Okay, nice. That's the fresh old.

That's how it is, yeah. That is how it is. I had a friend of yours on the podcast, Ash Riff, I think it was almost exactly the same time code before he started to tell me about it. It's just something in the back of our brains that's normally suppressed with meat. When you get to 20 minutes of meeting someone,

you have to tell them. Okay, yeah. But like Ash, I'm not going to go for for me i know he didn't go for me either but i'm gonna go for corn corn okay interesting yeah can you eat corn as a vegan but this is the thing okay so you're led to believe that corn is like this gateway meat substitute thing. Right, okay, yeah. But most of the time it's not vegan. Interesting. So a lot of the time it's got egg in it. Oh, okay. And it just doesn't taste very nice.

It's just not very nice. People go on about corn like it's some sort of saviour for when you give up meat and make the transition. But you just, you can't use it. You can't eat it. You can't have it. It's useless most of the time. There are vegan options out there but the branded corn one is the thing i hate the most right okay yes so um i've had corn yeah what do

you think not that nice no did you have it simultaneously with me no no no no that's the worst thing you can do what with have it with me well so when i first met my girlfriend she was already eating corn and i was i wasn't a vegan at the time. Were you vegetarian or were you just eating meat? No, I was a meat eater. Okay. And just after years of being with her, of going, you should go vegan, you should go vegan. Fine, if it means a peaceful life. No, that's not the real reason.

But no, so we used to have like bolognese. So I'd have a normal traditional bolognese and she'd have a corn bolognese. And I would be like, oh, it's not a proper meal if it's not got meat in it because I was young and stupid. Yeah. But she would encourage me to try it

and if you have it one mouthful of normal beef bolognese and then one mouthful corn, it's just like cardboard with tomato juice over it. It's not very nice at all. Yeah, okay. Not very nice at all.

But it's just the way they advertise it as a meat substitute is why I hate it so much. It's not a good advert for corn. Meat, if you're trying to get new customers, presumably they are customers that eat meat. Yes. So they don't want a meat substitute. They want a broccoli substitute or something like that. Yes, true.

It's no good. And the adverts for corn as well with that as a strapline are just terrible. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Like they've tried to sex them up a bit recently. They tried to make them a little bit m&s yes they have yeah it's not quite working uh a delicious and nutritious protein sauce right it's not exactly catchy it's not da da da da i'm loving it it's not that exactly no no one's singing that walking down the high street um the thing is right that always has gotten me with corn is i'm thinking like right so recently i have um i have made an effort to go vegetarian i've actually kind of gone pescatarian because i can't really give up fish i can't do it yet okay i've tried but i can't yeah

um but um i'm not judging you don't worry okay i thought that in the eyes I was checking your eyes there but when you have corn I'm kind of thinking if I'm not eating meat do I want to be eating something that is pretending to be meat masquerading as a meat substitute maybe I'm thinking I should just be bulking it out with vegetables

yeah I think this splits the vegetarian vegan community because my girlfriend's one where she'll say I don't want anything if it looks or tastes too much like meat right whereas i'm kind of the opposite i go hunting out the stuff because i think because i've been used to over so long okay yeah i kind of feel like i need that it's the texture i miss more than anything right yeah how long have you been vegan uh two and a half years and were you vegetarian before that no it went straight into it straight into Yeah, it's actually at five to midnight on New Year's Eve 2015, 16, whenever it was. I was shoveling KFC into my mouth five to midnight.

I'm really going to miss this, but truth is I don't. You don't at all? No, I've just got energy now. Yeah, you've got energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it, it doesn't drag you down. Yeah. A friend of mine was going to America, and he said that he was going to New York specifically,

and he said that they've got this amazing meat substitute where they've made a burger, and it's so meat-like that it even kind of has like, this is going to sound gross now, like the bloodiness to it, right? And you might have seen this. And he said that he's going to try it. I was like, well, as a vegetarian,

why would you seek that out? I didn't he's going to try it. I was like, well, as a vegetarian, why would you seek that out? I didn't quite understand at the time. And I was like, because it's probably not going to taste anything like meat. And he was like, I haven't eaten meat in so long, I can't remember what meat tastes like. So if you tell me it tastes like meat, if you told me this cauliflower tastes like meat, I'd probably believe you because I haven't eaten meat in 15 years.

Do you know what I mean? So that's the kind of the thing. The further you get from it, then... Yeah, it's really true. You do forget very quickly. But I think as well, just because a lot of the way they sell food on TV, like we mentioned M&S adverts,

they sex up food. Yeah, they do. And the juice is flowing and all that sort of stuff. That's all part of it. That's part of the thing, yeah. So I think they're just trying to capture that. It's not just this over here now, Iceland, if I'm allowed to say.

They've got their own brand of vegan burger. It's just beetroot, and it kind of sweats beetroot colour, but obviously it looks like blood. It's very nice. Is it nice? Yeah, it's very nice. Okay. I don't mind a bit of blood.

Not animal blood, obviously, but I like watching UFC and fights and stuff, so blood is not a big turn-off for me, that's why. Okay, yeah, all right, okay. They can make it look juicy. So you're really searching for these things. You're seeking it out. Yeah, definitely, yeah. Nice.

And again, with corn, it just doesn't do that. It's just granules of brown mush. No, yeah, of course, yeah. It doesn't look very appetising at all. Yes, no, it's not good at all, yeah. Especially, like, they do these, like, chicken fillet type thing. I put them in a curry once, and you're kind of eating this, like, the rest of the curry, fine, you know,

I'm not bigging up my own cooking, but it was nice. Yeah. But then you bite into that, and it's just like top to bottom, just solid brown cardboardiness that you're just kind of wading through. It's horrible. Yeah, it's not the one.

Anything else on corn? I don't think so. I did come up with a better advert for it. Go on. So they were advertising corn as a meat substitute, right? Yeah. And they used to have Mo Farah doing the corn adverts. Yeah, they did were advertising corn as a meat substitute, right? Yeah. And they used to have Mo Farah doing the corn adverts.

Yeah, they did, yeah. Right, it was about 2012, right? And again, meat substitute, terrible adverts. I think the only way that works is if you get Mo Farah

running up to camera, big bag of corn in his hand, right, just finished a marathon, just breathless, just going, ah, ah, corn. Because at least you can be sure

David Cameron never fucked it. Do you know what I mean? Okay. Sold. Sold. As long as I know corn because at least you can be sure David Cameron never fucked it do you know what I mean okay sold sold as long as I know that no politician has penetrated my food I'll probably eat it

that's true that's the big risk with me that's one of the reasons why I was able to come away from it one reason why it was easy

to give up bacon yeah okay corn's going to be your food and what's going to be your drink choice dandelion and bur choice uh dandelion

and burdock okay dandelion and burdock do you know it first i know it yeah of course okay because one of the reasons why i don't want to take it to a desert island with me is because i have not met anyone for a good few years now that has ever drank it knows what it tastes like and looks at me like i'm some mentalist whenever i bring it up. Really? It was my favourite drink growing up as a kid. Was it? My nan used to have one of those soda machines. Oh, that's cool. That is good. Used to have it at home. But you can really get it now.

And I do seek it out. But when I'm doing that, I'm asking people, do you sell dandelion and burdock in shops? Or I'm asking friends, and they just look at me like I'm crazy. Like actual dandelions. And I was like, yes, this is an actual dandelion drink it's made from the root of a dandelion and a burdock but i don't know what a burdock is i don't know i don't know but i imagine it's similar to a dandelion it's some kind of root or something it sounds like yeah i think

it is yeah because the taste of it's similar to a root beer yes but i only had root beer for the first time recently so up until then i only had root beer for the first time recently so up until then i just had to describe it as it kind of tastes like dr pepper that's gone a bit weird and then people go well what does dr pepper taste like i don't know it tastes like dr pepper so having to describe what dandelion and burdock is to paul hollywood neil buchanan and my uncle that won't stop going on about me getting married. Washing down a load of corn. It's not a good look. I'd just rather it not be there, to be honest with you.

Even though I like it, it's not worth the aggro, I don't think. I think this is the first time I've heard about Dandelion and Burdock in years. It's still sold. You know bars, the cola, they make soft drinks, they call it DMB. DMB. DMB.

It's sold everywhere. It's Dandelion and Burdock. Yeah, okay. Interesting. I remember it being in big two-litre bottles and, like, plenty of people having it when I was younger. Really? Because I've not met anyone for a long time.

Yeah. Oh, God. I might have been a certain friend or whatever. I'd go to their house and they'd have, like, Dandelion and Burdock. I remember it being quite nice. You should hold that friend dear and keep them close because they've got very good taste. They've got impeccable taste.

Are you managing to find dandelion and burdock? I tried to buy some on the way here. So I stopped at M&S. I stopped at a spa garage. And I was still on time, by the way. I know I was late, but that was the part. You were on time, yeah. No, we're selling it.

I can't find it anywhere. Really? But I know that're selling it. I can't find it anywhere. Really? But I know that bars make it. Corner shops. It's got to be corner shops. Yeah, I think you might be right. Okay. I can't bring myself to go in them.

Stanley Line and Burdock. Okay. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now.

That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Matt, fortunately for you, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck. It only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other, your least favourite song. What are they and why? So I struggled again with the film

because I don't watch films that I hate. Right, yes. If I'm enjoying a film, I'll leave it on. If I don't like it, I will just turn it off. So I really struggled with the film. The film I settled on was Predator. Predator predator first one first one okay because predator is one of those films where it's just like white noise

right okay okay i must have watched predator about 20 times i can never turn it off yes um and it's always on late at night and i've always got something to get up for but i always just watch it to the end because people go on about what a great film it is yeah but i defy anyone other than get to the chopper to tell me anything that really happens in that film. It's true, yeah. Okay, there's a fight between an alien. Yeah. It's just nothing really happens.

All I can remember is that scene where the alien's invisible in the trees. Yeah. That's like the only bit that sticks in my mind. Sure. But I could easily get that film mixed up with any sort of Rambo or any sort of film set in the jungle where there's a guerrilla warfare. Yes. I could easily get that film mixed up with any sort of Rambo or any sort of film set in the jungle where there's a guerrilla warfare.

Yes. Was that not in Predator? Because there were people in it for a little while and then there was just Arnie on his own. It's more the fact that it keeps me up at night. Yes. Why is it always on TV? I don't know.

They must have a license for it really cheap. Yeah, it must be one of those ones with no royalties left to pay now because it's just been on so many times. That's it, yeah. You only have to pay like four quid to put it on or something. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, the only other thing I know about Predators, I remember seeing an interview with Arnie on a chat show

and he got asked about the Get to the Chopper quote and he said that wasn't even his favorite quote his favorite quote from the film was um hang around or something like that where he'd hooked one of the um i don't remember yes yes do you remember i do vaguely remember it yeah why don't you just hang around or why didn't you hang about or something and he puts him on a on a hook yeah yeah hangs him up yeah yeah apparently he he improvised that line and he puts him on a on a hook yes hangs him up yeah apparently he he improvised that line and he was really proud of it

and I was like that is the shittest improvised line in an action movie ever no one no one says hang around it's not a thing is it

hang around yeah shit awful film don't like it yeah it's weird isn't it that it's just on I mean I think

I've only watched it the once but I mean maybe when it's on TV. I think you've got this really good power of being able to switch a shit film off. Yeah. Because, like, I will always watch them to the end.

I'm just like, right, I'm just going to have to grin and bear this for the next hour and a half or whatever. I'm really bad at switching them off. I've walked out of cinemas before. I've paid £15 for a cinema ticket and left after 20 minutes going, no, this is shit. I can't do it. I've walked out of cinemas before. I've paid £15 for a cinema ticket and left after 20 minutes going, no, this is shit. I can't do it.

I just can't do that. I did that in Star Wars, the latest one. Did you? Yeah. What one? Whatever the new one is? Yeah, I can't remember.

Not a new hope. There was another one since then, isn't there? I can't remember what it's called. Rogue One? No, newer. I think it was Rogue One I walked out of.

Rogue One, okay. Yeah. I'm not a massive Star Wars fan don't get me wrong but I have watched them I watched them late in my life so I don't have

they don't have this special place in my heart like they do for some people and I understand it if that is your thing but I went into Rogue One saw 20 minutes of it could see exactly

what they were doing could see it wasn't in the it was covering a plot hole that wasn't a plot hole, and it was just... You're forcing this stuff in now, so I'm just left... Okay.

Yes, okay. I can't do it. Over it. Yeah. Okay. Predator. Yep. And what's going to be your song choice?

So you should know, and I know you like your music, you should know I have a terrible taste in music. Okay, okay. I'm notorious for it. Is it? Yeah, that's one of the reasons why on the radio show that I do, I'm not allowed to touch the playlist. Really?

Yeah, I have a terrible taste in music. But for that reason, my song choice is going to be C'est La Vie. C'est La Vie! From Bewitched. Yeah. Yeah. Because again, I kind of feel like I'm cheating at this a little bit, Say you'll do what I don't Say you'll choose Say to me Wanna say Say love me Because again, I kind of feel like

I'm cheating at this a little bit, but this was another song that I absolutely loved as a kid. I think it came out in 1998, so I was 11, 12 years old. Right. And I was very impressionable.

I was a bit of a weird child. I think it was actually the first record I ever bought. Right. Embarrassingly. Imagine that. Every time I get interviewed or anything for anything, it comes onto music. What was the first record i ever bought right embarrassingly imagine that every time i get interviewed or anything for anything if it comes on to music what's the first record you ever bought

say love a bewitched dead straight face honestly i had to cassette learn all the words loved it it done really well in the chart i thought it was a cool song i thought i listened to the charts that's a cool song i learned the words I went into school I got bullied beyond belief James did you? yes did you?

because I loved it everyone else was into hip hop or whatever else I come in going say lovey I knew all the words I can still remember some of them now

that's great though I won't prove it but it just it got stuck in my head and I got I got chucked into wheelie bins and told to blame it on the weatherman. It did.

It was horrible. And I just think that having that memory replayed over and over and over again while stuck on a desert island. I couldn't do it. I actually went and saw one of their reunion gigs. No, you didn't. I did.

Was that recently? More recently than it should have been. I was in my 20s. Yeah. their reunion gig no you didn't I did was that recently more recently than it should have been I was in my 20s yeah and there was only I think there was only two of them doing it

yeah it was in a nightclub in Southend two of three two out of three had reunions that's so sad I know

and they were still in all their denim in the double denim in the double denim lip syncing to Say Love Me and Blame It on the Weatherman.

That's so sad. I know now that it's bad taste in music, but I... You love it. It's just scarred me for life. There's a bit in there, it says, if I'd loved my dad. Yeah. If I'd loved my dad. I had it to the point where I could listen along to the track

and I'd come in exactly at the right time. Nice. I'd never miss the beat. Never miss the beat. That's so good. Never miss the beat. Have you ever done it in karaoke? No, I won't do karaoke.

You won't do karaoke? No, no. Most karaoke lists don't even have it on there in my experience. Really? I'll look for it. I'll go for A17, 5 or Be Witch. They're my go-to. No.

Like I know all the worst those songs so I'd be comfortable you're really showing your cards now

no it's good it's really good one of the guys at Radio Essex where I do my radio shows Scott from 5

amazing yeah so he does like a dance party on the weekend and I haven't met him yet because I'm too scared to meet him I would go all

fanboy would you yeah I really would I have both their albums did you both their albums both of them

I'm waiting for the greatest hits my sister was in the Bullwitch fan club yeah yeah and they sent you like badges and like information on the girls

I don't know stuff like that I'd love some information I'd love to know their back story if she can find it at home I'm sure she'd let you

have it I'd love to see that I really would apparently that song was meant to be all about sex but they were never meant to let on

oh really never meant to let on about it c'est la vie I mean I can't remember what the lyrics are I wonder if you could remind me of some

of the choice hey boy sitting in your tree. Mum always wants you to come for tea. Don't be shy. Straighten up your tyre. Get down from your treehouse sitting in the sky. It doesn't sound very sexy. Apparently that was about sex.

Go figure. Do you notice I did that without looking at any notes? You didn't either. You just looked into the middle distance as you pondered your future and your past. Okay, C'est la vie by Bewitched. Anything else by Bewitched? No, literally there was nothing else by Bewitched ever again,

I don't think. I've written Bewitched down and I've done the little B star witch. I know the deal. Yeah, well done. Same with Five as well. Five was spelt with the number five, then I-V-E, not with an F.

Nice. There's aelt with the number five, then I-V-E, not with an F. Nice. There's a weird thing about boy bands or pop bands from that era doing that. Doing weird things with that. Yeah. I don't understand it. Pink does it now with an exclamation mark. It's a weird thing that you can get away with

in the pop world. Interesting. Okay. Just a quick note. What do you listen to now? So we've spoken about old stuff. What do you listen to now? So we've spoken about old stuff. What do you listen to about... What's your current taste?

I don't want to pick it apart. I like the way you give me credit and said taste. Like it was actually a thing. Do you know what? People listen to music in cars. I listen to podcasts. I'm a huge fan of the show. Okay.

Thanks, mate. Nice, cheers. So yeah, I listen to a lot of podcasts now okay Ash's podcast is one if I'm going to listen to music I'm quite enjoying

the new Eminem album okay great that's a bit of nostalgia because obviously being bullied because of Bewitched I got really angry as a child

nice Marshall Mathers LP come along well timed so I'm enjoying his comeback at the moment bleach your hair baggy clothes I'm done

yeah nice that was a really compliment the podcast and you don't have to speak so much about your current music taste. I really like what you did there. Okay, thank you very much, Matt.

And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? So it's definitely a bird. Okay. It's definitely some type of bird because I have a massive phobia of birds.

Okay. I can't deal with it. What type of bird, though, if I need to be specific, I struggle with because it could be any with them. Okay. So I think my fear of birds comes from when I was little. There's a park in Southend called Chottwell Park and it's got like several peacocks in a glass enclosure.

What? Yeah, it's very strange. They're meant to be quite classy animals. But I remember when I was little, I went up to the glass enclosure, pressed my face right against it, looking at it, because I was four or five years old. And peacocks hiss when they get angry. And it was looking at me dead in the eye.

It hissed and fanned out its feathers. And it did something to me deep that I've never been able to get over. And now, any look at any bird, chickens tend to be the worst because they're all greasy and got their googly eyes. I've been attacked by geese, swans, emus. Oh. Emus are terrible, horrific creatures, prehistoric dinosaurs. Yeah.

I've seen an emu break into my tent where I was camping in Australia and swallow a bag of dry pasta that I had for cooking, whole, plastic included. What did it? Horrific creatures. Oh, my God. It could be any of these birds, but the bird I'm going to go for is the magpie.

Magpie? Magpies. Out of any of the horrific birds? They are the most dangerous animal in the world. Why? Well, because I don't know what to do with them. What do you mean? Well, all right, so everyone's heard of the rhyme, right,

with the magpies. One for sorry, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold. That's okay. Seven for a ticker, it never to be said. I think I've got that right. I think you're right, yeah. My problem is, what do you do if you see eight magpies?

I don't know. I don't know what that means. I don't know whether that means Armageddon or whether I'm going to get a pot of money. I don't know. Ten magpies, that's horrific, right? Yeah. And I was driving down the road the other day. I saw a magpie on the left of me, a magpie on the right of me.

I didn't know whether that was one lot of sorrow or two lots of joy. Yeah. And what are you told you're supposed to do if you see a magpie? You're supposed to salute right yeah so i was driving i took both hands off the wheel salute with both hands i crashed sorry clearly yeah game over game over i did crash into a speed camera so little bit of joy little bit of joy yeah i bumped into it that's great but then on top of that oh god sorry uh no no go on go on on top of that oh god sorry no no go on go on

on top of that I think that I don't know whether it's a mixture of me now being vegan so they sense that there's no fear there's no fear of me now ah okay do you know what I mean you're not going to eat them

I'm not going to eat them I actually got attacked in my own house by a magpie it come down the chimney I've got a log burner in my house come down the chimney and it was in the log burner for a while. And I thought, okay, I was terrified, but I was like, it's safe in there. It can't get out. It'll fly away.

I was eating my Chinese dinner. You just left it in there. I just left it in there for a little while, watching it with one eye, thinking, it's fine, it's safe, it can't get me. I'd rather be in there. I'm going to finish my dinner, call my girlfriend, cry for a little while, and then everything will be okay. It managed to break the back of my log burner.

What? And I just saw his little head poke out and turn and look at me. That was it. My dinner was all over the wall and I ran out the house and shut the door. I locked my girlfriend in the house with it. And it was just,

it flew up against the kitchen window and it was just banging against it, trying to get out. Just going for you. It was just looking at me. I've got a film of it. I filmed it flew up against the kitchen window and it was just banging against it, trying to get out. Just going for you. It was just looking at me. I've got a film of it. I filmed it. How did you?

Just me shouting, get it out to my girlfriend. She's going, I've got to open the door. I went, open the front door. It's at the back door. I couldn't do it. It shat everywhere. Did it? Everywhere.

It must have been terrifying. It was terrified. You were terrified terrified I was terrified and I think because it couldn't hurt me that's why it shit on the sofa on my laptop where it was covered in coal and it was flying around the house my white ceilings were covered in coal marks

it looked like the bird version of Pearl Harbor it was probably getting it's probably getting its own back for you sitting there eating your dinner watching it trapped

in the log burner I never invited it into my house James it's true my girlfriend without hesitation when she sees

a magpie says hey Mr Magpie how's your missus like before she started doing that I'd never before I met her I didn't know that was a thing yeah and she just does it every time without hesitation hey. Magpie, how's your missus? Like, before she started doing that, before I met her, I didn't know that was a thing.

Yeah. And she just does it every time without hesitation. Hey, Mr. Magpie, how's your missus? Just like that. Yeah, you're supposed to salute it and then ask it how its missus is. When I got told it, it was a lot more forward. It was, good morning, Mr. Magpie,

how's the wife and kids? But, you know, why not? It's 2018, let's abbreviate a little bit. Yeah. I want to know why every Magpie you meet is a man. Okay. Or a married man. It's true.

There's never a gay magpie. There's never a female magpie. Why do we assume every single one of them is married with kids? You're right. It's not very forward thinking, is it? It's not, no. Maybe we need to get this overturned. And I think the fact that...

Overturned. Everyone, stop what you're doing. We've got it all wrong. Let's put it to a public vote, see if we can make the right choice. Maybe you need to salute half the time and curtsy the other half. Yes.

To even it up a little bit. Yes, or... Well, like you were saying, if you get to seven, then if you get to eight, I think you should be able to cut it up however best suits you. So it's one for sorrow, two for joy.

You could just be four times of joy, right? Yeah, that would be nice. Let's just do that. Yeah, or just one, maybe rather than one being sorrow, one just being a little bit of joy. Yeah, okay. We've put this evil persona on magpies, but to be fair, they have run with it.

I think they are definitely evil. Okay, magpies. I also hate birds, so I'm in. They're terrifying. Oh, we should go for a pineapple. We should, yeah. I think they are definitely evil. Okay, magpies. I also hate birds so I'm in. They're terrifying. We should go for a pine on this. We should. I'm well up for this.

I've lost rounds of golf because I've hit my ball too close to a lake where there have been geese there in the springtime and I'll refuse to go anywhere

near my ball. Not having it. I'll walk to the other side of the course and drop from there and people are saying you're not supposed to drop anyway

because you can still see your ball. I went, look, I'll lose three, four, five shots. I don't care. I'm not going anywhere near it. Yeah. Terrifying. Add 20 shots, I'm not going near it. No way.

Okay. Okay. Birds, magpies. Matt, thank you so much for coming in. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for having me, James. It's been a real laugh. Matt, if people want to hear more from you,

where can they hear you? Well, I'm gigging all the time. So check out my Twitter feed or my Instagram to see where I'm gigging next. But I also do a radio show on Radio Essex, which I probably should know the frequency off the top of my head for that. So I'm going to Google that very, very quickly while I'm talking to you. I do a radio show on Radio Essex every Saturday called Soccer PM because we're from Essex and that is the most Essex every Saturday called Soccer PM because we're from Essex

and that is the most Essex football named show ever. So yeah, we're on 105.1 or 107.7 FM or online as well. Get online, that's great. Yeah, so all the hit musics, go updates from all the big games and we also cover a lot of the local teams as well around Essex. So it's, you know, Ryman, National League South

and all those competitions as well. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, they sort of get a bit of exposure they don't normally get. That's great. And so you're gigging as well? You're gigging all over or? Yeah, all over the country. Yeah, wherever we'll have me, James.

Yeah. And so people can go to your Twitter. What's your Twitter handle? It's just Matt Adlington. Nice. You've got your name. I've got my name. I never used to, but yeah, so I think someone stopped using Twitter or they're no longer with us,

so I got the name back. You got in. Nice, that's great. Okay, thank you so much, Matt. Thank you very much. Thank you.