Desert Island Dicks - MATT DYSON

Episode Date: March 7, 2018

This week's podcast has arrived! And this week, I'm joined by broadcaster and podcaster Matt Dyson. Be sure to follow us on twitter and facebook @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and the worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is absolute radio broadcaster and host of the Game Week podcast, Matt Dyson. Hello there. How are you, Deco? I'm fine, thanks. The archdeacon of dicks. Finally, he's invited me on. Excellent. Thank you. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I've been looking forward to it too. Finally, our schedules have aligned. I'm here, I've got dicks in hand, i'm ready to go no problem all right let's dive in

who's gonna be your first uh first up i think i'm gonna go with uh anyone who is on a millionaire's housewife's tv show have you seen that is so good have you seen any of these give us some examples my wife watches them constantly right this is part of the reason i hate them so much we had to get a special uh sort of content provider called called Hey You on our telly so she could watch all the latest ones. They're all around the world. Basically, it's rich women with plastic surgery all over their faces and bodies getting together to get drunk and argue with each other and hate each other.

And it is horrible, horrible television. And they're all over the world. They started off just in America, like in Atlanta or LA, Beverly Hills. Now there's one from Cheshire, I believe. Oh, right, yeah. They're in Australia, they're in Melbourne, and they're all exactly the same. The exact same formula every single time.

Rich women covered in plastic surgery, give them some wine and watch them all fall out. Wow, I tell you it's talking specifically about the real housewives of... The real housewives, that's it, that's them. The real housewives of Beverly Hills. Of wherever. Or of Melbourne or anywhere. There's loads of them and it's horrible.

That sort of series of programmes is ridiculous. Oh, it's crazy. Nothing actually happens. No, absolutely nothing. They just get together, they live their opulent lifestyles, and then complain about each other and how much they hate each other. That seems to be it. What's the draw? Why are people watching it? I don't know. I've tried to get to the bottom of why Katie watches it.

She just likes to watch women argue. She just likes to see what they're arguing about, how they conduct arguments, how they bitch about each other behind their backs. Right, okay. It's sort of, in a way, sometimes when I watch it, I feel myself almost getting dragged in.

I correct myself and say, what the hell are you doing? It's just, it's not just the women on the show, it's the way they do the show. So on these American shows, they're always teasing ahead for something. So they're saying, welcome to The Real Housewives.

This is coming up later. Ooh, there's a woman with plastic surgery who's just bitched about her friend. And then they go, and then that's coming up later. Now we'll start here. And then going into a break, they say, that's coming up later. Don't forget about that. And then after the break, that thing happens. And then after that, they tease back to it and go,

remember that thing that happened? It's all just filler. It is filler. It's just filler. I don't know how long an episode is. I think it might be an hour with adverts and just constant teasing ahead and teasing backwards because nothing happens. Nothing of real interest happens.

So when you're watching on these things, are you getting it just straight from, is it like a stream from Rookie? You get all their adverts. They're all, I think it's on normal TV. So yeah, no, it's with all adverts. It's got adverts and everything. So yeah, that's all. And it's just the way they do

it on Ramsay's TV in Kitchen Nightmares as well. It's all just filler. Very little actually happens. And they're just constantly building up to it or talking back about it. It's full of filler. Not even their faces. Their faces are full of filler. And the TV show

is just filler. Absolutely zero thriller. The stuff they talk about. I mean, they argue about all sorts of stuff about how they hate each other. And one of the things, I heard this phrase for the first time ever. Scrotox. What's that? Do you know what that is?

No. It is because they're so obsessed with injecting stuff into their faces, they now have moved on to their husband's gonads. No! Their husband's scrotum gets Botox put in it. What for? So it's smooth and wrinkle-free. Who's ever cared about the state of their scrotum?

I'm quite happy with my wrinkly ball bag, thank you. It's never going to need any work. Who even sees it? Who sees it? It's like they've gone for the name because it works and then worked backwards. Right, yeah, right. Scrotox. We've done Botox.

Now what next? Leg... Scrotox. Yeah. I don't know how I went from leg to scrotox. Let's just stick it in ball sacks. Yeah. Do they want it?

No. No one wants it. I can't imagine a man wanting it. Who's constantly got their ball bag on display? On it, are you seeing people with scrotox? No, they just talk about it. You don't see the injection. I think you do see them having plastic surgery,

the aftermath and all that. Wow. But it's just such an insane world, a completely different world to my own, but one that I want nothing to do with and never want to meet anyone from. They're all such odious people, man. It's just disgusting.

There's a lot to unpack there. I don't know. From everything that you've just said, I don't even know where to start picking things up. It's a horrible show. But when they get plastic surgery, do you see them there with all their bandages and their bruised faces?

I've seen episodes, because it's often on in the background, so I see episodes where they are there, they've got the stuff on their nose, you know when you have your nose done. Right, yeah. And they basically, you can look at their faces and you can see everything's been done.

It's madness, absolute madness. And because they've got loads of money, because they're all millionaires, they almost would do it again. Just keep doing it. It's like a hobby. It's something to do, isn't it? It's crazy, isn't it? I mean, it's bizarre. I would like to see a programme. Do a programme, the before and after of these people. Oh, yeah,

that's nice. Yeah, because I bet nice. That's one. Yeah, because I bet they look mental in comparison. Yeah, just take a little picture of them once a day every day for a year and just see their transition into Zelda from Tallahook. Unbelievable. Idiot. It's so unreal, isn't it? It's just so completely, it's never worked.

Plastic surgery's never made anyone look good, I don't think, really. Very rarely. Even if it's smoothing out wrinkles. No, yeah. Like the big lips, that doesn't ever work. You can just see it. It never looks good. It never looks like...

The other day, my girlfriend said to me, she was just like, oh, you know, one day, if I was going to do any, only the one that I would do... Oh, yeah, you've been thinking about it, haven't you? No. It's Grotox. No, my girlfriend said to me, if she was going to do any,

the one that she would do is lip fillers. I was like, no, come on. Don't, don't. Why would you do that? Look at Leslie Ash. That was when it was in its early days, to be fair. I know, I know. She was a guinea pig.

I know. And it went disastrously wrong. But even if you just put a little bit in, it still looks weird. It makes me think about times in my life because we often have a struggle where Esther just wants to watch reality TV. Yeah. And all I want to do is anything but. But I also kind of want to spend time with her,

but she just wants to watch this rubbish. So what do you do? No, that's why I sometimes get sucked into Celebrity Big Brother, just so we can have conversations in the evening. Yeah, I know. But I draw the line at the housewives. No, yeah. The real housewives, the at the housewives no

yeah the real housewives the millionaires housewives whatever they call them what are you doing to fill your time while that's going on

while that's happening I'll probably just be on my phone flicking through absolutely nothing sitting for hours doing nothing or watching something

on my phone on the iPlayer or watching some football trying to get some football or just on the laptop or something because if she's watching her show then I get the laptop you've got to swap yes okay you can football. Or just on the laptop or something. Because if she's watching her show,

then I get the laptop. You've got to swap. Yes, okay. You can't have your show and the laptop. No, no. So you've got to pick your battles. But then everyone's got a phone anyway. You've pretty much got a laptop on the go.

It's a depressing picture I'm painting in my home life. We do try and have date nights. You've got to have date nights at least once a week just to speak to each other. In the house date nights. In the house date nights? In the house date nights. Because we've got two kids, you don't have to go out. You can just stay in, cook a nice meal,

get drunk together, have a chat. What's going on in a Dyson household date night? Well, Katie will often cook a curry. We'll have a good few bottles of wine and just sit in our observatory, which sounds very sad. Observatory? It's more like a lean-to. They're paying. Observatory? It's more like a lean-to.

They're paying you too much. It's more like a lean-to in this small cottage in Bedfordshire. And we'll sit in the, well, call it a dining room. It's called a conservatory. It's neither of those things. But we'll sit in there and we'll eat, chat, and get drunk. That's nice. Yeah, it is nice.

I mean, still, the phones creep out, though, especially because my wife runs a website called The Motherload. Right, yeah. She's always on social media, always getting stuff from moderators about what's going on on her website and her forum and her community.

So it's like constantly interesting. Right, okay, okay. Anyway, she's not the dick, the housewives are the dicks. The housewives are the dicks. Okay, great, great choice. Matt, who's going to be your second choice? Next up, I'm going to go for...

I've got in trouble with this before, so I've got to caveat it a little bit because it's not really a serious problem. It's a problem that a lot of people are self-diagnosing in this day and age. And recently, I've come across more and more people who are self-diagnosing that they have Raynard's syndrome. This is rubbish. You are one of them, the Archdeacon.

Okay, right. As we sit, at time of record, it is very cold outside. Yes, it is. And you claim, you Raynard sufferers, that you feel the cold more than me. I was cold outside. I put some gloves on. I've had gloves on. I've seen you wore fingerless

gloves just to take a piss as well. No, what I... What it is, right, is you get cold and you retain the cold. That's the difference. So cold bones, that's what they say, isn't it. It's cold in your bones. I'm going to reach my hand across the precipice here. Feel me.

Oh yes, you have got quite cold hands. That is quite cold. You are quite warm. Did you wear gloves? Yes, I had gloves. Right, okay. Now wait, my grandma used to have cold hands. Okay.

She would just say, cold hands, warm hearts. That was her answer to everything. So you want all Raynard's people to... You've got a warm heart. You should be happy. Look, what I'm saying this for is because I've shared a studio with about five different people in a row

that I've worked with in the past few years. Every time they put the air con on really hot because they have Raynards. I'm doing those inverted commas there because they claim to have Raynards, right? Which I don't think they were diagnosed by a doctor. They just feel a bit nesh. They feel a bit cold. Oh, nesh.

You know, I feel cold. If I hear nesh one more time. Come in, put some gloves on. I've looked it up, right, on the NHS website. Just to clarify this. Because I don't want to slag people off who really suffer with cold hands. Some people's fingers go blue. And they're like, yeah, fair enough. That's cold.

That's real Raynaud's. Okay. That looks like a debilitating, horrible thing to have. Your fingers don't go blue, do they? No, they go white, which is also... Look, it says on the NHS website, I'm quoting from here, Raynaud's phenomenon is common and doesn't usually cause any severe problems. You can often treat the symptoms yourself by keeping warm.

It is not an illness. It is not an illness. It's just you're a bit cold. And I've had to suffer in boiling hot studios because of this alleged syndrome, which isn't even real. Look, I'm saying that I have it. Yeah, I know. Everyone has it, mate.

So many people I know have it. And I'm not calling them dicks. I'm just saying the people I know that do have Raynaud's, I'm not slagging you off to your face. Or you, James. I'm just saying I think you think you have Raynaud's when you're just a bit cold. You're just a bit cold. You're just a bit cold.

And you don't feel the cold any worse than me. I get really cold outside when it's cold. Everyone does. Because it's cold. But I'm going to come inside. I'm all right. I'm not trying to say that some people might not want a warmer studio. So say, oh, yeah, I've got Raynaud's because they know it's a way to get a warmer studio.

That's what I think it might be. OK. That's partly it. So I will say that. But I will say as well, there have been times where I just haven't been able to get a warmer studio. That's what I think it might be. Okay. That's partly it. So I will say that, but I will say as well, there have been times where I just haven't been able to get warm. I've been inside for a couple hours

in the warm and I'm just still rocking the cold. Can you put gloves on? Have you got hand warmers? Can you stand with your hands on radiators or something? I'm indoors. I should be warm. So what is it?

Is your blood running cold like Elsa from Frozen or what? I don't know. You know I've got it. Just let it go. Let it go. I can't believe I let you shoehorn that in. Sorry, yeah, but just stand with your hands on your radiators or something.

Okay, alright, fine. Five minutes, there you go. Bish bosh, you're warm again. Okay, I'm caught on this podcast, I agree quite a lot. You disagree. I agree to disagree. Also, there was another thing, I actually, I talked. You disagree. I agree to disagree. Also, there was another thing. I actually talked about it once on the radio in passing.

I said, this might be a bit controversial. The producer said, no, it's fine. It's not a real thing. And it turned out to be Raynard's Awareness Month. And this charity got in touch going, seriously, stop slagging off Raynard. It's a real thing. It's a real thing. It really backfired, didn't it? And I say, extreme

Raynards, yes, there needs to be some sort of change in the scale of how much Raynards you are. Right, yes. Because a lot of people are very minor. A type 2 Raynards, rather than a type 10. You're 85. Yeah, you're just a bit cold. Okay, alright. So yeah,

that's another one. But he has just submitted that he does think Raynard's is real. No, I think there should be varying degrees. There are varying degrees. But it's the self-diagnosis. I've never seen anyone go to a doctor and say, Doctor, doctor, I feel really cold. He'd be like, get out.

Get out. The NHS is in crisis. Got massive waiting lists. And you're coming in here with cold hands. Well, it does say on the NHS website just to stay warm yeah stay warm I'll take that it's not serious

stay warm begrudgingly people with Raynards go on the island who's going to be your third choice the third choice is Lewis Hamilton

now there are many reasons it's tax affairs it could have been that it could have been his strange fake relationships with members of Pussycat Dolls

clearly put together by PR people that everyone falls for, but those in the know know it's absolute bollocks. Do you think it was? Yeah, absolute bollocks. They weren't lovers.

They were not in love. It was a set-up relationship that was mutually beneficial to their careers. Oh, wow. And showbiz. Okay. Oh, yeah, completely.

100%. 100%. So they sort of keep getting back together going, why don't we just go on a few more dates and get papped

and then increase our celebrity a bit more. That's what they do. Seriously. What has Lewis Hamilton done to upset you? No, it's not even that.

It's not even that. It's not the fact that he took the mick out of his nephew for dressing up in a girl's outfit. It's not that. It's not his tax affairs. He's quite good at driving by the looks of it. I'm not the fact that he took the mick out of his nephew for dressing up in a girl's outfit. It's not that. It's not his tax affairs.

He's quite good at driving by the looks of it. I'm not a massive Formula One fan. It's mainly his facial hair. It's just so intricately done. So intricately shaved. He must do it like, he must spend at least an hour in front of the mirror probably two or three times a week. That's

way too much, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's just madness. He's probably got someone that does it for him. It just looks awful. It's that sort of really thin Craig David style side Bernie going into thin beard. It just, I could never do that because it just wouldn't,

it doesn't last very long, does it? I think. Because a day later you've got some regrowth and now the effect has gone. It's like, what a waste of your time. Anyone that puts that much effort into anything like that. Yeah, it's the height of vanity to be in front of a mirror for that long.

The chin strap. Saying it and thinking about it, saying it out loud, it's so ridiculous. It should have died a death in 2003. Do you know what I mean? Beyond that point someone should have said, look guys. It's still going on. I've seen barbers now that even spray ink onto people's sideboards, beards and stuff to make them go in these straight lines

so they're really tightly, neatly shaved. Yeah, yeah, it's really weird. Who has time for the upkeep of that? I know, exactly. Yeah, yeah, it's madness, isn't it? Who could be bothered with it? As if it's that important, your facial hair is that important. It is because he's got to be seen out with this pussycat dog girlfriend going to the latest celebrity party and then he will increase his uh you know stock around the world you this

is interesting though you went to school with him i did yeah he was a few years older than me in school yeah so i went to school in stevenage he went to my school. So it was a normal comprehensive school? Yeah, normal comprehensive Catholic school. It's from Stevenage. Yeah, yeah. He was a friend. Was he a dick at school? I can say that, can't I?

I mean, I suppose you're not liable to him. His lawyers won't be listening. In my opinion, yeah, he was a dick at school. Was he? Why? What were the early signs there? I just think he used to just knock about with quite a few dicks

did he? yeah he was part of a dickish crowd yeah interesting fact about him he played on the school football team alongside Ashley Young

did he? wow they were in the same year at school yeah were they? yeah I've always seen Ashley Young

as being a bit older then well maybe he was a year above but they played on the school football team at the same time. Wow. So he's good at football as well. Yeah, I guess so. He's good at football and driving. Yeah, but it's the school football team.

I mean, it can't have been that hard to get on the school football team. Yeah, secondary school is quite hard to get into the team, though, isn't it? Yeah, maybe, yeah. It's a bigger pool to pick from, isn't it? I mean, I got into a primary school football team. That's easy. I was, like, brilliant in the primary school, but then when I got to big from, isn't it? I mean, I got into a primary school football team. That's easy. I was brilliant in the primary school, but then when I got to big school, forget it.

Oh, no. It's a game over. It's a game over, no. There's too many kids. I can hear the pain in your eyes. Too many big kids. No, I'm not fussed about it, but I'm just saying you've got to be quite a high level

to get into that secondary school team. Oh, well, he was in there. Yeah, he did that. He was in there, yeah. One of these overachievers, I guess. I'll tell you another fact about him, and I don't know if this is still true, but when he first won his first Formula One,

or what is it? Or probably when he was karting, he went karting to start with. Maybe it was like Formula Three. What was his first big time? Formula Three, perhaps. Something like that, yeah. Asda, the big Asda, 24-hour Asda in Stevenage.

I know it, yeah, yeah. Painted a parking space out the very front. What is it? LH only for Lewis Hamilton only or something. Lewis Hamilton's space. Wow. I know. People didn't park in it.

People didn't park in it. Did he ever shop at Asda and never had him down as a car? Almost definitely never. It's only one George. Almost definitely never. There's no point in spending all that time in your facial hair and then dressing in purely George outfits. Although I'm sure a lot of people with chinstrap beards

frequent Asda and Stevenage. Yeah, I bet they do. I'm going to go there and see if it's still there, actually. Have a scout. Yeah, I'd be interested to know. It'd be amazing if it is. If it is, get a picture, please. Wow, that is good.

Anything else on Lewis Hamline? No, that's it, really. I think they're my three dicks I'm only allowed three dicks aren't I yeah you sound like you've got a few

to sneak in I'm not going to put in macho hot curry pricks I'm not going to put in Alan Shearer or rude boys who walk around with their hands

down the front of their trousers horrible new fad that's a whole new episode I don't really understand I don't understand at all but yeah they're my three

in six months time, let's revisit. Okay, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, great. I've got a lot of people. And bring those. A lot of hate to give. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad.

Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Matt, now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

I think food-wise, I'm going to go for kale. Because every week we buy it in our, like, big shop. Yes. And I get it delivered from Tesco. And then it sits in the salad crisper drawer thing for about two weeks. And then two weeks later, we look at it and go, oh, look, the kale's still there. It's gone brown.

Throw it in the bin. I there, it's gone brown. I hate food waste of any kind. I know, you've got a chewing gum stuck to the rim of your cup. If I haven't finished all the flavour in my chewing gum, I'll store it on the side of my cup while I have a drink, and I need to talk, yeah. So I don't like food waste at all, and kale is the most wasted food item because it's trendy.

It's true, yeah. It's like a trendy ingredient. Yes. And I've tried it even in a smoothie at some shop somewhere once, and it was rank. It's disgusting. It's like it was mixed with orange juice. It was this slimy green stuff

that had a really horrible aftertaste. No, no, no. I've never tried kale crisps. They might be all right, but... They've got loads of salt on, probably. I've never tried kale crisps. They might be alright, but... They've got loads of salt on, probably. I've got no interest in kale. I love cabbage. I love broccoli. Yeah. Don't want anything to do with kale. Isn't it just the same thing as cabbage, though?

It doesn't. It seems to have more of an intense flavour. Right. And no one knows how to cook it. I think that's what it is. You just steam it, don't you? I don't know. I don't know either. Well, neither me or my wife know how to cook it. We still buy it everywhere. No, Katie does. I don't know either. Well, neither me or my wife know how to cook it. We still buy it everywhere. No, Katie does. I don't buy it. I'm like, please stop buying this kale.

No, we'll use it this week. On the online shop if you've got your set order. It's easy, isn't it? Some people can't be bothered to go back and take the kale off. It's a little pitfall in the modern world of shopping. There's probably a lot of kale that's getting chucked away. I think there is, and it's criminal to throw anything away like that.

And it's the one thing that always gets left, never gets eaten. Because surely it's delicious and nutritious. It's like a green vegetable. Yeah, it's not nice in smoothies, but maybe if you steam it, it might be all right on the side of a Sunday dinner. I don't know. Oh, yeah, you can get it. I can't see my kids eating it.

No. And I don't really want to eat it. Apparently, if you cook it in the oven for a long time, it's almost like that seaweed you get in Chinese restaurants. I was just thinking that, yeah. I have had that. Is that kale? Is that what kale is?

I think I've had that with like a... But that seems sweet and quite salty. Like you say, you've got to put a lot of seasoning on there. Yeah, put some salt and pepper on it. And some good stuff. Yeah. Some nice stuff on it. We went through a phase of when it became a thing

and we'd go and do a shop. And I used to buy it and it would be the last thing we ate. And we'd be like, oh, we're making some fish. Let's just put it on the side. Was it nice? I don't know. It's horrible, isn't it? I'd much rather have broccoli.

Yeah. Like any day. And broccoli's just as good for you. Savoy cabbage, just as good for you. Yeah, yeah. But nicer. But if I'm getting a smoothie, the first thing I'm not looking for is any vegetable. Oh, no, no, no. I'm looking for apple. I'm looking for you. Yeah, yeah. But nicer. But if I'm getting a smoothie, the first thing I'm not looking for is any vegetable.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm looking for apple. I'm looking for mango. I'm looking for orange. I don't mind a bit of celery, a bit of ginger, you know, sometimes. Oh, wow. You know, but I don't really eat them. I mean, I've not got one of those smoothie makers at home.

That's another fad I'm not getting on board with. No. Because you're better off just having a whole apple with skin on, aren't you? We've got one. Doesn't get a whole lot of use. I've got one there. It starts off, you do for the first few months. Yes.

It's the same as me with my spiralizer. It's like, I cannot be arsed with that anymore. No chance in hell. You're talking to a world of people with an unused spiralizer. Yeah, when I got it, I was like, this is great, man. Oh, it's gorgeous. It tastes just like pasta. You can't even tell the difference.

I'm starving, though. It's such a pain in the arse to wash, really. And that puts me off it hugely. And then just the thought, when it comes to it, when you're hungry, you go, throw pasta in. Yes. Not going to the shop to buy a courgette. No.

Or some butternut squash. And then spiralise it for half an hour. And then feel hungry afterwards. Yeah, because you need that. You need the bit. Actually, it's trying to be healthy, but not everything. You can't. Yeah, because you need that. You need the... Actually, you know, it's trying to be healthy, but, you know, not everything.

You can't have everything, can you? Kale. Kale. Kale goes in. Either kale or oranges. What are you talking about? Because I know you love oranges. You're just winding me up.

I know you love oranges and they're just so hard to peel. Is this a personal attack? First you're a Raynard Hay preacher and now you're cussing down my favourite thing to peel. Is this a personal attack? First you're a Raynard's hate preacher, and now you're cussing down my favourite thing to eat. I am like the Abu Hamza of Raynard's. I really am.

That's why he has a hook, because his hook never gets cold. He's like, yeah, great, I'm fine, mate. I don't get it. I don't have it anymore. But yeah, oranges, they're too hard to peel. They're not practical to take away from you. I'm not letting letting... I don't want this to happen. You've had kale.

And you might as well just get a saggy satsuma with loose skin that's easy to peel. And they're not consistent enough oranges either. No, look, this is going to be an editing nightmare and I do not agree with oranges. Leave it at kale. When you've got more weight to it, come back with oranges another time.

Leave it at kale. What's going to be your drink choice? Drink is that Vita Coco coconut water. Oh yeah. Have you ever tasted that? I mean I love

free stuff as much as the next man right and they brought loads into our offices a few years ago when it first came out and it was like oh this

really hydrates you more than water. It's like whatever I think water you can't get more hydrated than drinking water. And so this

coconut I like coconut milk love coconut milk in in a curry yeah all the fresh stuff from an actual coconut it's nice it's nice yeah this stuff in those little cartons tastes weird and it's not a nice flavor it's dare i say it's slightly jizzy what i imagine that to taste like what i'm to say is a friend of mine in the know, if you know what I mean, It is jizzy.

has said it tastes jizzy. Really? Yeah, it does taste like jizz. Oh, what? So that's good. Well, they're good. I thought as much. I had my suspicions.

You know that tree that sometimes, at certain times of year, you can smell a smell in the air? It's a tree that smells like jizz. It's like the jizz tree. That's like that smell. I don't know if it's got the extract of the j, you can smell a smell in the air. It's a tree that smells like jizz. It's like the jizz tree. And that's like that smell. I don't know if it's got the extract of the jizz tree in it or what, but it smells of it.

The extract of the jizz tree. It's the consistency of it. And I've looked into this, James. I've looked on their website for an explanation about what the hell Cocopina is. Yeah. Or Vita Coco, sorry. Coconut water is a clear liquid inside coconuts.

In early development, it serves as a suspension for the endosperm of the coconut. What? It is basically, if you're drinking Vita Cocoa, you're drinking the sperm of the palm tree. What? It's even confirmed on Wikipedia. It says the endosperm. The suspension for the endosperm is coconut cum.

If you want to drink that, go for it. I don't want that dribbling down my chin. It's horrible. I don't think it hydrates you more than water. Surely that's impossible. How can they even say that?

Make that claim. Nonsense. Horrible drink. How can you say it hydrates you more than water? How can you prove that? I know, they can't. They just make it up. It's just endosperm, man. The fact that it tastes like semen is confirmed by the fact that it is a type of semen. It really is, yeah, 100%.

What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, it's just spudwatter. Spudwatter. Northern people would call it. I mean, it's just,ud water northern people would call it i mean it's uh yeah it's just i love coconuts i love the flesh of the coconut i love the uh the percussion of the coconut sound like a horse i love anything to do with coconuts and that doesn't it doesn't really taste of coconut the coconut water either no it doesn't yeah i found that very annoying but yeah anyway that's a dickish drug okay yeah, yeah, I'll let you have that.

I think I'd be boiling up seawater if I was on a desert island with that stuff, man. God. Okay, coconut water. Matt, fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they, and why are they so bad? Oh, right. Okay, so is it film or

TV, is it? I'll let you have TV too. If it was film, it's probably any Johnny Depp vehicle because he's the most overrated actor in history. But then if it's TV, I think TV, it would be, the stuff that would drive me mad would be any heightened reality TV show. Oh, right.

I know we've already discussed The Housewives, but it's not just The Housewives. It's Chelsea, Essex, Geordie. There's so many of them. Cheap TV exploiting fame-hungry stupid people, clogging up the schedules, and I'm sick to the back teeth of it. Give me like Nigel Slater on a culinary tour of the Middle East any time. So much better.

So much more entertaining. Basically, you've got the whole heightened reality thing. It's weird. I find it weird. Because it wasn't around when I was growing up. So you had drama, great, good, people pretending, people acting, documentaries about real life. And now they've put this weird middle ground of heightened reality where we all know they're in a set-up scenario in a bar

and there's a script they follow, a fairly loose script. Yes. So this is what's going to happen in this scene. You need to get to this point and then you're going to walk off upset. Yeah, and if you could get upset, that would be great. Like with the housewives, they throw in booze because that's a surefire way to create even more arguments. But I feel like sometimes these people that are involved in it

are so personality-less that they actually become the people that... So they are vaguely the people that are in the series, but then they have writers that build this stuff up, and then they become... They become that personality the parody of themselves life imitating the lowest form of art yeah that's true

and then they go on to have their own careers as the person that they know them of they will go on and be a star in their own right as that guy from the Essex show or that guy from the Chelsea show and I've got no interest in any of them and they do these weird tours where they go around and open a

meet and greet, open a Pulse and Vogue in Stevenage Leisure Park. It's all based around Stevenage. I don't know. They all go to Stevenage at some point. Stevenage is a weird place you know. When I used to have a Nando's black card for eight years, don't want to talk about it. It's like the

only thing you talk about. It's ran out now, Nando's, if you're listening. Now you do Halloumi chips as well. It'd be great if you could renew. Never going to happen. But I used to go to all the local Nando's near where I lived. So I lived just near Hitchin. So I used to go to Bedford sometimes,

go to the one in Milton Keynes sometimes, and then sometimes go to the one in Stevenage. And as you go across the A1 towards Stevenage, suddenly everyone starts to change their way of dressing. The boys dress like the guys in The Only Way Is Essex. The women wear loads more make-up. Their eyebrows are weirdly shaped. It's like going your first step towards Essex.

Yes. Stevenage. But it's Stevenage. And then just across the other side of the M1 in Hitches, it's not like that. It's completely different. Everyone's normal. Yeah. But Stevenage is it's Stevenage and then just across the other side of the M1 in Hitches not like that it's completely different everyone's normal yeah but Stevenage

is such a weird place it's like the twilight zone isn't it no wonder Lewis Hamilton took so much time over his facial hair yes there's a lot of weird eyebrows

and fake tans in that place don't want to be too down on Stevenage no no it all centres around Stevenage ironically a great Nando's

as well on that retail park where the cinema is. Those programmes, I was talking on a recent podcast about the programmes that are like celebrity programmes, but the celebrities are the people from those programmes. Yeah, yeah, that's it. And now on Celebrity Big Brother,

it's like, it's that woman from Made in Chelsea. And it's like, what? Well, I'm not even aware of who she was in the first place, so it's a nightmare for me. Yeah. I know. And they're just full of them. Celebrity shows

with people that are only celebrities through a weird high-end reality show. It's ridiculous. I can't be dealing with it. I feel bad for the state of this country when I see that stuff all over the telly. It's making me want to go and get a TV in my bedroom so we can sit in separate rooms because Esther watches loads of this stuff all over the telly. It's making me want to go and get a TV in my bedroom

so we can sit in separate rooms because Esther watches loads of this stuff and I sort of endure to hang out. That's it, I know. So those programmes are going to be your choice? Yeah. Okay, great. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals.

Which animal is it and why? It is my kid's rabbit, Charlotte. Oh, specifically Charlotte? Yeah, because it's just got no redeeming features, basically. It was, in the summer months, it stays outside in a hutch. When it's cold for about four months, it comes outside and lives in a cage. It makes the house smell like a pet shop. It poos constantly and wheeze constantly.

I have to clear out the cage because that's no one else is doing it it's apparently a blue job even though it's my daughter's fifth birthday part of it fifth birthday she never cleans out

she wouldn't do a proper job if she did she hasn't even got that much interest in Charlotte when she feeds Charlotte she puts her hand in the cage

straight give the rabbit some food the rabbit attacks her so they cuddle they don't stroke they don't they're not playful, and then whenever it gets out,

it chews through every single wire in my house, electrical items. I've lost about three lamps to it. It's nearly got through the wire to the telly. It's just cost me a fortune and given very little back. On a desert island, I mean, the rabbit won't be there to... It won't be there to, won't be chewing through any cables, but it might just be like,

make one delicious meal. That's probably, in fact, that would be, actually, in a way, that would be worth having. That would be quite good.

Yeah, just, that would be a nice end to the story. The redemptive arc of my life with Charlotte. I paid a fortune for it, it cost me a fortune,

it gave me little back, and then I ate it. Yeah, that's it. Well, I will say though, at least I had a good life.. It cost me a fortune. It gave me little back, and then I ate it. Yeah, that's it. Well, I will say, though... At least I had a good life. Just to play devil's advocate, it probably doesn't want to live in a cage in your living room. No, it doesn't want to live in a cage.

I didn't want it to live in a cage. It didn't ask for the damn thing, but it's got to stay somewhere. It can't roam around the house for free because it wees in corners, poos everywhere, and chews through the wiring. So in the winter months, it has to stay in a cage. The cage isn't too small, to be fair.

I know it's like a prison for the poor thing, but I didn't want to give it this thing. My wife and daughter made me, convinced me, that a rabbit was the way forward. And I can tell you, if you've got young children, you've got to wait until at least 10 for a rabbit. The responsibility of rabbits is way too much. They've got no interest in it.

Right, yeah, can't be bothered. And so, yeah, it's not fair to keep it in this cage. And so as soon as the frosts stop, we put it outside into a hut. She's got more room to run around. I've got an idea for you. One Sunday, right? Yeah.

Just say to the kids, look, kids, we're going to do something amazing. We're going to set Charlotte free. Oh, right. Put Charlotte in the boot, drive down and just be like, be free, Charlotte, and let your kids set her free into a woods. Yeah, I like that idea, put Charlotte in the boot drive down and just be like be free Charlotte and let your kids set her free

into a woods but I'm not sure if it would cope because it's only lived in shops it's not a wild rabbit maybe don't do that we'll just get beaten up by all the other rabbits and we'll probably die didn't you have a lot of pets?

no just two cats and a rabbit but I was a cat hater to start with, and now one of them has suddenly... I've warmed to one of them for a few years. Yeah, yeah. I don't mind it. And I'm not allergic to them anymore, so that's probably a good thing.

That's good. Yeah, yeah. Enough overexposure. But the rabbits, no. OK, we'll let Charlotte the rabbit go. Yeah. Matt, thanks for sharing your desert island dicks. I will spatchcock...

Spatchcock. No, that's the word for chickens. I'll just cut that rabbit open and cook it on the fire. Rarebit? No, that's cheese on toast. Welsh, yeah, Welsh rarebit. Matt, if people want to hear you, where else can they hear you? Oh, they can hear me on Absolute Radio

at a certain time of the day that may change. Right, yes. Who knows? Depending on when this goes out. Things always change. Sometimes on Rock and Roll Football's weekends with Rob Beckett as well, with Dave Barry on Absolute Radio in the week,

and also on the fantasy football podcast that I do with Dan Pryor called Game Week. Where can you find Game Week? On iTunes or on social media at GameWeekHQ. Search and like. Search and like. Search and like. Search, like, and rate. Search, like and rate.

Matt, what's your rubbish Twitter handle? It's Real Dysonator. I have had it for years. It's awful, I mean. But I just can't be bothered to change it. I used to be called the Dysonator and then there was already some kid in Ireland, some 13-year-old skateboarder called Dysonator.

So I just put the real Dysonator for a laugh, as if there's only one Dysonator. And it's still there, at real Dysonator. It's a ridiculous handle, but follow it if you want. Yeah. Thanks, Matt. All right, lovely. Thank you.

No, thank you. Thanks for the dicks. Cheers, mate.