Desert Island Dicks - NICOLA WREN

Episode Date: November 22, 2019

Writer and performer Nicola Wren comes in to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they are a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is writer, performer and comedian Nicola Wren. Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm good, thanks. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. I think we were both just talking about the time of year and I was saying I've got a sore throat. And you were saying you're not going to get the sniffles on the podcast.

I'm going to try not to sniff because that would really irritate my mum, who'll probably be the only friend of mine that listens to this. Oh. No, I'm joking, I'm joking. Okay listens to this okay i'm sorry she won't listen um well thank you very much for coming in thank you for having me how did you find choosing the people for your island oh really hard um because i also i didn't want to be really negative but then i then i was thinking in detail about my choices and i was like i think actually what what i've realized is that i'm the dick in all of these situations interesting okay yeah so but that's fine i'd maybe i'd rather call

myself a dick than other people oh but i but i had one of them was easy and the other two i thought about for a while all right well i'm really interested to hear who you've chosen let's dive in who's going to be your first choice quite Quite unspecific first one, but also specific. Is anyone with a ukulele? Yes. Okay. Right. You know when you go away anywhere and you see that one person that's got a ukulele strapped

to their backpack and you're just like, oh, you're that guy. Okay. And you're going to get the ukulele out and you're going to start playing some awful cover of something. Yeah. And make everybody sit around and listen to you because you're so fun it's like if you've got a ukulele you just think you're quite fun and and it reminds me of forced fun which i hate okay yeah uh have there been any specific instances where you've seen someone playing the ukulele and it's irked you so many the the most recent was i went on this walk across

northern spain oh yeah um this isn't just a way of me dropping in that i did a 500 mile pilgrimage by the way wow um well there it is yeah um anyway i was walking it was the first day and i just got to the top of this hill and uh i was knackered and i just sat down for a minute and then this girl came walking past and she had a ukulele and she sat next to me and started playing it at the top of the hill and uh it turned out she was the only other british person i met all that day and i was like oh no is this what it's going to be like i came here for some sort of peace and quiet and she's playing the ukulele.

Now I'm going to have to get up and start walking faster. But she actually was lovely. So, you know, lovely people do play the ukulele. It's just one of those things. Right, okay, yeah. That really irks me. What was she playing? Oh, I can't remember now.

Pop covers? Yeah, you know, there was like an Ed Sheeran cover or something that's like don't worry, be happy. I don't know what it is. I love music, but I just don't like the ukulele. It's a frustration.

I know what you mean. So, if I see one instance of ukulele, so like someone's playing it and I'm like, okay, that's kind of cute. I could see that. I could watch that for about three minutes. Yeah.

If it was to continue, I'd sort of think. Yeah. Yeah, let up a bit there. But it's also that the people in possession of the ukulele kind of think that everyone wants to listen to it for quite a long time. Yes, yeah. And that's another thing I've got a bit of a problem with

is when like you're forced to listen to something. my my big thing i don't like at the moment that keeps happening is that when people get on a tube and they start playing music and they like come right up to you and you're just like if it's on the street i don't mind because i can walk past it i can give you 50p yes and good for you keep making your music yeah but if you're gonna make me listen to it while i'm sitting on the tube and i'm just trying to have a little think oh definitely yeah i've seen it like as we approach christmas i feel like it happens more right you people get on there's playing like a christmas song or something yeah yeah i see that i know what you mean and you're in you're like you've got nowhere to run especially if you're sat down yeah yeah um okay and i feel like people that play the ukulele uh

they kind of had this uh complex like this like they've got a complex but they just feel like they're above everyone else because fewer people can play the ukulele than can the guitar for example right really i think so oh okay i always think i always thought ukulele was really well to play it well probably it is harder than the guitar. Right. But everybody thinks I can play the ukulele, don't they? Well, maybe it's just me, then. I just don't think that there's been that many instances in my life

where I've come across people playing the ukulele. But maybe I'm delivering some... Like playing it really well, you mean? Yeah, playing it well, yeah. Well, no, neither have I, and that's probably why I hate it so much. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's a brilliant ukulele artist. And listen, I'm sure people with ukuleles maybe that this is why i could be the dick because maybe like

they're just good time people maybe and they want to spread the love and they want to cover bruno mars and i'm just a sort of you spoil sport it's gonna be bruno mars isn't it yeah that's what they're playing oh that one what is that song sorry i can't do that one no no no oh maybe i oh it's not maybe it's not her lipstick stains on i don't know all right maybe it's not 24 karat magic yeah yeah but he's got loads of songs he's got we're learning he's got songs doesn't is what we're learning. He's got songs, doesn't he? So that would keep you busy on the desert island, wouldn't it? Trying to work out which songs are Bruno Mars songs and which ones aren't. Okay.

So maybe it would be fun. Yeah, maybe it would be all right. But ideally not. No, okay. All right, okay. Anyone with a banjo would be welcome on the island because that is an instrument I'd like to learn. That is impressive, I think, the banjo.

Yeah, very impressive. I love how with a banjo they've got a pick on every finger. Yeah. That's brilliant. It's mental. I don't know how they do it. It's so complicated. Yeah, it's brilliant.

Okay, so people that play the ukulele is going to be your first choice. Anything else on ukulele players before we put them on the island? No. Okay. I think they've had enough. They've had enough. That's it. People that play the ukulele are going on.

Thank you very much, Nicola. And who's going to be your second choice? Right, my second choice is maybe a bit illogical, but my second choice is, and I'm going to be really specific about this, it's Bear Grylls' TV persona, okay? Because I don't know Bear Grylls, and he might be a lovely guy,

and I'm sure he is, but the way he is on TV, just really, it's so annoying yes it's so arrogant and everything has to sound like this and can you imagine being stuck with somebody who talks like this yeah and he'd like there's a few there's a few reasons why i wouldn't want him around obviously he'd be good for survival but no one's saying that there aren't some nice things on this desert island already so bear grills would probably i just i find him arrogant i'd find it annoying that he'd want to do everything and he'd probably want to put us in more dangerous situations than are

necessary and then once we get rescued from the desert island, he'll take all the credit. And that's where me being a dick comes in because I would be jealous and I wouldn't like to feel like I was in Bear's shadow. Oh, wow. And him to be the hero. And I'd get a great deal of satisfaction out of learning myself how to start a fire. Without Bear mansplaining to you how to do it

every time exactly yeah great work but if you did it like this like yeah i can see it yeah um i enjoyed those programs to start with so like the first couple series of the island but now i just can't i can't do it i can't handle handle it. And I'm also just like, I think Bear's getting on that boat and going off to stay in a really nice hotel as well. Oh, totally. Yeah. But it's weird because he muddies up for the VTs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's weird, isn't it? He messes up his clothes, messes up his hair and puts some sandy mud on his face. It's all fake. Yeah. I'll tell you who I love, Steve Irwin. I know he's dead. Steve Irwin was good.

That was a real... Yeah. What a great guy. No, Bear, I'm. I know he's dead. Steve Irwin was good. That was a real, what a great guy. No, Bear, I'm sure, and he's doing great things for the world, but he's also the face of Alpha. Do you know about Alpha? No. I'm from a Christian background. I'm not a Christian anymore,

but Alpha is this course that is really great if you want to learn about God. I've actually never done it, but I'm not going to slag it off. But Bear is now the face of it because Bear's a Christian. And I just find it annoying, the idea that he might also try to evangelise on the island. And I have a really bad reaction when people try to evangelise. So what happens with Alpha then?

I think you go there and there's snacks. And you talk about the Bible and you ask questions. The slogan is, got questions? Try Alpha. What? Okay. My friend keeps trying to make me go and I really don't want to. Makes it sound like a new search engine. But what really annoyed me about it was I was like this is like a Christian thing but you're obviously paying Bear Grylls to advertise it quite a lot or like the fact that they've like

made adverts for it that Bear Grylls is the face of really irritates me because I'm just like I don't I don't feel like Jesus you know when he was, because he was a real man, whether or not you believe in Christianity, I don't really believe that, you know, he'd be like, let's actually make a really great high definition video of Bear Grylls. Okay, yeah. I'm getting on a tangent. No, no, I'm with you. I'm there. I'm going to offend some Christians. I'm not.

I'm actually just really getting into the alpha using a celebrity to kind of promote christianity that's what i'm getting i think yeah i'm with you i mean sure so bear grills surely he'd be the best person to help like you have any chance of survival on the island but i know but it's not worth it he'd be he would be great but i think if it would just get to me way too much that he was so good at everything and it's like that thing where um he'd do something like i watched a clip of him rubbing a leaf on his hair to try and make it set alight and i was like i can just imagine myself trying that for so long and not being able to do it yeah so he'd make me feel like a failure. And who wants to feel like a failure on a desert island?

Not me. Yeah, okay. That is good. But I'm sure he would be extremely useful, really. Like I say, I found it hard to think of people, but he's just one TV personality that really grinds my gears. Don't doubt yourself. It's a very good choice.

Well, thanks. It's my job to ask questions. You must ask away. Bear Grylls is going to be your second choice. A very solid choice, I think. Helpful on the island, perhaps, but frustrating to be around, I imagine. Frustrating to be around.

It would just dig too deep into my complexes and insecurities as a person, I'm afraid, and it would just make me feel bad about myself. Right. Which is why I'm the dick in this situation again. A bear goes on the island. Thank you very much, Zika. Who's going to be your third choice?

Well, my third choice, I was telling one of my brothers about it and he was like, well, that's a stupid choice. Right, okay. But because it is a bit specific because not everybody has a therapist, obviously. I personally, as a writer and

performer find it very useful to have one um but i wouldn't want to be on the desert island with my therapist because it's a dynamic thing i love the guy he's so great and he's done so much good good work actually on all those aforementioned insecurities yeah which i'm obviously so over no um it's a dynamic thing because with a therapist they know everything about you and you don't know anything about them oh that's scary that's a dynamic that i'm not gonna want to get be getting into do you know what i mean he would know every he knows every sort of little worry or bad thing that i've ever done or i mean i haven't done anything really bad but um but have you so yes okay that relationship is worrying to

me in a way that my wife says to me quite often i should go and see a therapist she'll just say to me i think it'd be really good for you if you should go see a therapist. I don't think I want to let anyone know the chasms within my mind. Is that a bit deep? No. What, for you to say? Yeah. No, I think that's lots of people's feeling.

That was my brother Al's feeling. He was like, I don't need therapy. I don't want to talk to a therapist. Okay. There's nothing wrong with me. Not that that's what you're saying, saying but yeah you have to have a certain amount of like willingness to let someone in but you're it's also like if you pick a nice one it's quite safe because they're not allowed to tell anyone else and then it can be quite liberating but yeah if you're stuck on an island with them it's just that's going to be a

bit much you might start to learn something about them well you would hope yes because the thing is when i suppose when you're in therapy you can't you know if i asked my therapist like you know how are you where do you live what's going on how's your relationship with your siblings or whatever he wouldn't tell me because he'd be like nicola we're not allowed to discuss that whereas on the island actually maybe it'd be quite fun have you had that stuff maybe we could have like the tables could turn and i could start to just really psych him out yeah just follow him around all the time just asking him questions about himself tell me about your childhood

or just make up stories about your own life and just throw them completely off. Yeah. This is interesting to me. Well, that's good. So have you tried to ask him questions before? Yeah, but I sort of knew when I started doing it that you're not really allowed. My mum's a therapist, so she told me the rules of the road. She's a music therapist, actually. So really, they just come and play the piano or bang a drum for a got a ukulele so music therapy yeah that's interesting so so what she plays music with kids um yeah so i don't know why i said kids i just assumed it's kids oh right yeah okay it's

actually usually disabled kids because they like kids who can't communicate in your conventional ways and um you it's about like listening and responding and so she'll go into a room and she'll have all these different instruments and they can pick up anything and play with it and then it's about them feeling heard so like if she play if someone picks up a maraca or whatever their mum will pick up a maraca as well then they'll start jamming together and that's great I mean that's my kind of like surface level knowledge of music therapy

I'm sure it goes way deeper than that yeah but it's making me think that I want to go and buy some instruments and take them back

to my kids oh well you definitely should yeah let them bang a drum well there's some around they do play some but like

thank you you've given me an idea how old are your kids nearly two and four nearly two and four that's well two is quite difficult isn't it it's it's yeah i wouldn't want to be on an island with a two-year-old no no you can put the two i'm sure yours is lovely oh it's lovely but yeah it's hard it's hard work yeah um well done because you know you got here early this morning very much like the

therapist this isn't about me this is about no no let's really dig into it yeah dig yeah uh okay therapist that would be tough i mean yeah i wonder what it's like for him your therapist just knowing everyone's secrets all the time i know i was thinking about the other day i was like does he wake like obviously it's not all about me and he's got loads of clients but i was, I wonder if he's wondering how I got on with that thing that we talked about the other day. Or like, you know. Does he ask? Well, they're not really allowed to ask questions. You just talk.

Mine, to be honest, actually, like, does probably talk a bit too much. I like it because that's how I respond better to that. I don't deal well with someone just sitting there with a notepad not saying anything. So I do like to be provoked, but I have to start the conversation. He would never be like, so how did dumping that guy go or whatever? Right, okay, that's done, yeah.

Not that I'm dumping loads of people, but that's just an example of something that we might discuss that I want to do and then go and do because I guess if he asked me and then I came and I was like actually I didn't do it and we're getting married then he'd be in a bit of a situation you know when friends say to you

like I think I'm going to end it with Julie and then you're like do you know what I think that's a good idea actually because Julie's a bit difficult. Okay. And then they come back and they're like, we're moving in together. And you're like, oh, great.

Brilliant. Oh, interesting. Okay. So, yeah. What about that thing that you told me about? Yeah, yeah. So, basically, never be a dick about your friends. Okay.

Even if you think they're dicks. Okay. Just keep it on message about dicks. Yeah, all right, yeah. Okay, therapist. This is great. on message about dicks. Yeah, all right, yeah. Okay, therapist. This is great. I think this is great. This is...

What a difficult person to be stuck on an island with. I think so. Even the best therapist. Okay. Thank you very much, Nicola. Now, mercifully among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you,

it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad well unfortunately i've really fucked myself here because if i was on a desert island right i don't i hate coconut water and obviously that would be that would be your main source yeah and so this isn't this isn't a sort of you know a rejection of bear grills ask choice this is just this is just genuinely my least favorite fluid um yes it's i just don't get it and i know it's good for me or they say it is why is it good because it's got electrolytes in it i'm not sure yes i think i think that's right yeah and i'd love to get into it but i just think it tastes like semen it it does right it tastes like semen and uh i i've never tasted like i'm just gonna say

i've never tasted semen right i've never tasted the semen and not my own or anyone else's semen sure but but on the but like it's what i imagine semen tastes like it's like the consistency do you know what i mean yeah but like we're very watery semen but it on somewhere on the box it says it's the endosperm of the coconut oh so it is actually semen i think i believe it is actually in the family yeah well that doesn't surprise me at all and i don't like coconut and i don't really like the taste of sperm so um yeah so there we go that's why I'm not into it. But I realised that I'd probably have to train myself to like it on the island. Yeah. It's just, it might be the only thing that you've got.

Unless, well, Bear's not going to be there. So, oh no, if Bear was there, he could crack the coconuts. But if I'd chosen for him not to be there, then I might not be able to find a way of cracking open the coconuts or drink them anyway. Yes, because it's not just like the one that you get at the uh fairground exactly it's like it's got a massive thing around it massive shell a massive shell around it is it a shell yeah coconut shell sure an outer layer i don't know coconut protective case protective case

uh okay yeah coconut water i agree it's weird well that's good most people when i say that i don't like it they're like oh my god really it's so good fuck off no no no no no i don't like it at all apparently it's like it's it's been claimed to be better for you than water how could it be better for you than water that's madness that's madness rubbish isn't it aren't we something like 60% water 70% water 80 80 80% water I'm gonna I'm gonna back water tap water as well

yeah not bottled yeah apparently like 80% of bottled water is tap water well yeah so there you go

and a lot of it if you buy it from supermarkets it has been sitting in that bottle for like three years and so actually all the little bits of plastic

have sort of melted their way into the water and so it's really not very good for you. Yes, I... What was the situation? Oh yeah, there was a talk here at this place where we are right now about plastic the other day and the person that came in to do a talk

said that she had her urine tested, and there was just loads of plastic in her urine. Really? From things that you use every day. It's gross, isn't it? It's unsettling. It's dangerous. Okay, coconut water is going to be your drink choice.

Good choice, I think. Yeah. And what's going to be your food choice? Well, again, I'm imagining these are going to be rife on the island, but mushrooms. Mushrooms. Yeah, go on. Specifically, actually, fried mushrooms.

Right. Because I think I could probably get on board with a baked portobello mushroom with, like, cheese inside. I've seen them before and thought, I could. If I had to, I could. Have you not had them? No, no. I think actually it's, and I'm not sure if I don't like mushrooms because I don't like them

or if it's because when I was a kid, my brother Al, who I mentioned earlier, who was rude about my therapist choice, he didn't like them. And I think I so desperately wanted to impress him that I was like, yeah, I don't like him either. But then that got so ingrained in my head that now genuinely I just can't do it. I can't see past it. If you cut them up really small and put them in my food like a child, then I will eat them. But when it's like if you've got a fry up and then you can just smell that kind of sweaty fried mushroom smell. And I just don't like it at all. I haven't encountered that many people I don't think that hate the mushrooms so much.

Really? Yeah. I really don't like them. Interesting. I like this. I quite like mushrooms, but I wouldn't be able to tell you why. Maybe it's like a meaty texture. Maybe.

Sounds gross, right? Or maybe somebody you looked up to as a child really loved them and you just wanted to impress them, so you got over it. Maybe I did. But I don't understand it. What do they... They don't even taste really much. No, yeah.

I like how you like the look of one with cheese in the middle, though. Well, yeah, I used to work for this woman uh as a kind of cook as like my side job while i was acting um i still have to do side jobs i just uh have a different one um it's not like i'm now famous um but yeah and one of the things she liked was like these portobello mushrooms with goat's cheese and i was preparing it and i thought i've done that quite well and maybe that would be nice but i'm not going to try it well so what is this situation sounds like you're working in someone's house i was working in someone's house yeah i mean it's not really that funny

actually because she was really ill oh sorry no no no uh i was just like how can i make this amusing no she was very unwell and uh needed somebody to kind of come in and cook some meals and do like meal prep and walk the dog and i lived around the corner so i popped over it was just after i came out of drama school so that's great and she was really nice and i think mostly we just chatted quite a lot oh that's nice i'm not a brilliant cook um but i did get a lot better uh working for her and actually then she she miraculously recovered um after i left so then i was like maybe i was making her ill with the mushrooms with all the mushrooms it was the mushrooms it

wasn't me have you seen the phantom fred the film the phantom fred no all right it's like that with um she keeps him ill with the mushrooms does she really yeah i think i've given away the end of the film that's daniel j. Lewis, isn't it? Yeah. Spoiler. Was that his last film? I watched an interview the other day. It might be, yeah. I mean, he's obviously going to do more,

but he was making some chat about that being his last film. Yeah. I loved it, but I went to see it at the Southpac Centre and Johnny Greenwood was conducting an orchestra because he did the soundtrack and it was like a live orchestra and I've never been to anything like that before but it was amazing. I'm taking this down a tangent. So mushrooms are going to be your food choice.

Possibly loads of mushrooms on the island. I know, I know. But edible, I don't know. You don't imagine they'll be edible. But maybe they would be. I'd probably stick to fishing. Oh yeah, okay. And I back myself actually as a hunter-gatherer.

Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, at school we had to do army training, and I did win. Did you? Best cadet. Did you? And I was the best at shooting, which makes me just sound really posh. But we were probably like rifle shooting with targets and cans, not animals. I wouldn't shoot animals.

No, no. Not from a kind of hunting background. Needs must, though, right? On an island. Yeah. But one of my other brothers is in the army, and so obviously he's good at shooting. Mm.

But I... Maybe it's inherent. He had this air rifle, actually, and he couldn't... He wasn't hitting the cans that he'd put out as target. Little Nicky comes along. Oh! Let me have a go, brother.

Took the rifle. Bam. Got all three did you not once i did three shots that's great anyway i wouldn't have a rifle on the island and now i also sound quite aggressive but um i uh i backed myself yeah all right we had to learn to like capture capture rabbits and uh i think i want you on my island i no you wouldn't no i'd be i'd be i'd be a nightmare but i would be good at hunting and gathering okay all right fine uh mushrooms could be a food choice thank you very much you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts

offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Nicola, now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite film is a film called Mother!

Mother, yes. How should I say it? Mother! Mother. I've not seen this. The Darren Aronofsky film. Yeah, tell us about it. Okay, Mother! Exclamation mark. Stars Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem and Michelle Pfeiffer, I think.

And it's Darren Aronofsky who made Black Swan. It's his movie. And it's a horrible film. It's so... The violence in it is so gratuitous. I can't tell you really what it's about. Someone gets pregnant, but then their baby's bones get broken and there's a big party and it's all about this woman who's freaking out.

I think it's basically looking into the darkest, darkest psychology of a pregnant woman. But it's so horrible. And I was just also, again, this makes me a dick this choice but i watched it for free because i am a member of a cinema and it's not a posh cinema but i worked out that i could sneak into some films without paying oh great and this was the first one that i tried it with and as i sat there in hell watching this film i was like this is punishment for stealing it is yeah it's really punishment and i was like i should leave now i should just go because this is awful and i hate it and i sat there through

the whole thing and i just felt really uncomfortable and i was like but i don't understand why people make films like that because i'm just like if i want to watch something that horrific i'll just watch the news oh yeah yeah you know what i mean like maybe and i i just couldn't see what the point of it was i think it actually got really well reviewed maybe that's just because my style is a bit more heartwarming is a bit more yeah i need a bit of i need a bit of maybe love and joy in my films. Yes. Or just...

Just a glimmer of hope. Just a glimmer of hope, even if it's a really sad story. What about... Okay. Yes, okay. Maybe you went in carrying a slight bit of guilt because you... Or was it a thrill? No, I did definitely go in carrying a bit of guilt,

but it's a thriller and it's a really, really violent, horrible, psychological thriller. I don't think from... from so from the trailer because i haven't seen it but from the trailer or any advertising that i see it looks more like uh like do you remember that film the others yeah yeah it's not like that it's not like that at all okay it starts a bit like that because yeah she's kind of being it was a while ago now that i watched yeah, she's kind of being, it was a while ago now that I watched it, but she's kind of being haunted by this baby that's inside her. But I think the baby's like a demon or something. I'm really sorry if anyone's listening and they're a big fan of this film and I'm getting all the plot wrong.

I couldn't follow it. Right, okay. But it just got more and more gratuitous and I just didn't like it. Oh, no, okay. And I tried to think of a different film that would be like more kindous, and I just didn't like it. Oh, no. Okay. And I tried to think of a different film that would be more kind of a funny choice, but genuinely I just couldn't think of anything else other than that film.

No, it doesn't sound like my type of film at all. Also, I scare really easily, so any kind of horror wouldn't do on the island, because I'd already be shit scared because I'm scared of the dark. So, but it's not jumpy. No, it's a bit jumpy. it a little bit jump scares but i'm i do scare very easily okay do you i can't look out of uh windows at night time when there's like no light outside if it's all dark because i just think there's gonna be a face oh no yeah i grew up in the middle of the countryside and it was so dark and uh someone actually got murdered down the road and then after that

oh you don't know yeah when i was like eight and then my sister had a murder mystery party and uh i was upstairs on my own and i heard someone walk upstairs and I'm like who is it and she went it's the murderer no yeah she did oh no horrible she's lovely but that was the worst thing she's ever done um anyway yeah oh yeah okay I'm so scared that I'm gonna get killed so and it just gave me this real fear of the dark and actually the reason i went to therapy the first time i'm but i'm not like some kind of psycho who's like had i've actually got not that many issues but some uh but it was because i got this idea about being murdered right in my head and when i went to my senior school we had to write an English essay um not an essay a creative writing thing and the title was fairground and I thought everyone's gonna be writing something really happy I'm gonna write something dark so I wrote this story about somebody who got raped and murdered

in a fairground and then I got then the English teacher like after the she marked all of them she was like Nicola I think you need to talk to the nurse because we're worried about you. And I was like, I haven't been raped in a fairground, honestly. And she was like, no, no, it's fine. But maybe you should go and talk to somebody about these things that you're kind of imagining. And so they sent me to see a therapist. And then what I got out of that therapist, who did just sit there with a notebook and didn't really chat, was that I'm just a bit scared of the dark. Right, okay.

That's what came out of it. Yeah. Okay. But I was also like, how old was I at that point? Like 14 or something. So I didn't know anything deeper. No, okay, yeah. I mean, I think I was quite scared of the dark for quite a long time, but I don't know when it stopped. Where are you from? I'm from quite a small town. Where?

Come on, let's get into the specifics. Hertfordshire. Okay, lovely. But you're not from London? No. Because I like living in London because it's so light everywhere. Yeah, it's light all the time. Even though it's way more dangerous than the middle of Devon,

I am less scared. Because there's more people around as well all the time around lights on yeah okay yeah i i so i've been to people's houses that live in the countryside and when it when it gets dark and you look out and it's just pitch black everywhere there's the murderer that's intimidating even just going in the garden. Yeah, it's a bit scary. Yeah, but when I was really young, I used to camp in my garden all the time in a tent. Just no fear? No fear. Maybe it takes that moment, that murderer moment to...

Yeah. Okay. Anyway, that was a big digression, but... That's all right. You know. It's a podcast, it's fine. It would be a problem on the island because I would be scared all the time. Oh, yeah.

I'd have to sleep under the stars. And you don't want this being your only entertainment definitely not okay uh what's gonna be your song choice my song choice is um mr blue sky by the electric light orchestra okay which i know lots of people love yeah and i tried to listen to it again to sort of work out what it is that i don't like about it so much and i genuinely couldn't get past the first 20 seconds without just like reeling and i don't know why it's i think it's that i'm not sure and i don't know enough about the electric orchestra it's like who are you trying to be are you trying to sound like the beatles are you trying who are you trying to

sound like yeah and it's like it's so harsh at the beginning it's like and also my ex-boyfriend really loved that song and i think i tried to like it for so long because he loved it and i was and then when we broke up i was like i hate that song yeah i hate that guy no i don't hate that guy at all but But I was like, that song, why did I try to like it? That's rubbish. Doesn't it start with like a robot voice? Mr. Blue Sky or something like that. Oh, yeah. Is it at the very start? It's like a weird, horrible robot voice.

Yeah. Blue Sky, something like that. It's like. Do it again. So it goes like Blue Sky, something like that, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. Blue Sky. blue sky something like that doesn't it yeah something like that yeah and it's like hey there mr blue but what was quite fun when i was talking to my best friend about uh doing this podcast and i said oh that's my song choice and i know most people love that song she was like i hate that song and

it was great because i was like and this is another reminder of why we're best pals yeah yeah so now there is some nice association with it actually because she had to sing it in a acapella group at uni and she just hated it right yeah but yeah it's the way it's sort of like this song is going to make you happy and you're going to listen to it now. That's how it makes me feel. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't want to listen to that.

No. That's how I feel listening to Mr. Blue Sky. Okay. Right. I mean, I don't think I've ever had very strong opinions of this song, but I don't, I've definitely never turned it off the radio. Interesting that you say, are you trying to be the Beatles and stuff? Because it's Jeff Lynne is in ELO. And I'm sure he's produced loads of Paul McCartney stuff.

So I wonder whether that came from him trying to sound like the Beatles. And they're like, oh, we know a guy who can make stuff sound like the Beatles. Jeff Lynne. Who knows? Maybe. Good knowledge, though. Thanks. Well done, you nerd.

Oh, yeah, I know. It's nerdy, though. Well. Yeah. No, I appreciate it. Thank you. I'll carry It's nerdy, though. Well. Yeah. No, I appreciate it. Thank you. That's, you know, I'll carry that with me through the day. Mr. Blue Sky by ELO.

I think that's a good choice. That would become really overbearing if you've got to listen to that all the time. Yeah. Thank you very much, Nicola. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Snake. Where are its legs?

That's all I'm saying. Snake. Where are its legs? That's all I'm saying. Snake. Where are its legs? And there's going to be loads. There's going to be... I don't trust an animal with no legs. Snake. Where are its legs?

Yes. Okay. I get what you mean. Obviously snakes don't... But you know what I mean? It's the way it can travel. Some of them are really fast. Like some massive snakes are really

fast, aren't they? Yeah. I saw someone on the Tube the other day with one of those really useful boxes as in that's the brand name. But they are also really useful. This isn't an ad. You know, like a storage box

and I was like, he put it on the floor and I just looked and i was like i wonder what's in there and there's a fucking boa constrictor in there no honestly and i was freaking out and i was like i need to get out i need to get out of this train right now and then it got like stopped at a red signal and people on the people on the train were also clocking on to it and then they i think what they were more clocking on to was my face which was like obviously i can't show you over the podcast but i was just staring at it and sort of panicking and being like no no no no no no no you can't take a snake on a train surely that should be illegal snake on a plane snakes on a train um surely that should be illegal i know

well i wanted to report it but i didn't because I also didn't want to be a jobsworth. You could just walk on that train with anything. Yeah. I wonder what you could get away with. Well. A boa constrictor. A boa constrictor, yeah. In a fucking box.

Oh, it was awful. That's awful. Yeah, I just really don't like snakes. But there's obviously going to be loads of them on the island, so I'm going to have to befriend them in some way. There's going to be loads of snakes on the island, so I'm going to have to befriend them in some way. There are going to be loads of snakes on the island? Obviously. Ah. Isn't that the sort of place where...

Yeah, I don't know. In the sort of, like, foresty area of the island. There probably will be snakes, yeah. Shit. I wonder if you kill a snake, does it get good meat to eat? Probably. Okay. I feel like they do that in...

I'm sure I've seen Bear Grylls do it. Yeah, at some point. Damn it, I'd need him there. Fine, he can come. Yeah, yeah. But, oh. I trust you as a hunter, Gavra. Thank you, yeah.

I think you'd be good. And I've got so much venom, budum ching, towards snakes. Okay, yeah. That I'm sure that I could channel that into killing them. Yeah, okay, yeah. Not that I would enjoy killing any animal. So would you say you had a had a fear of snakes yes where does this come from probably my christian background because of course it was a

snake that tempted um no i'm joking i was really i was believing that i thought that was maybe on some psychological level no my mum has always been really scared of them and i and i um we she's from zimbabwe and so we used to go there quite a lot to um to visit my grandparents and they we would go to like i feel like actually we went to a snake museum i was really young i can't remember what it was i don't know why my mom would have taken us there i was like you know it was like it wasn't it wasn't a safari or anything it was like it was like a zoo i guess it was a zoo i guess it was a zimbabwean zoo and in that zoo there were snakes and my mum has always been really scared of them and i really believe that you like can inherit fears from your parents oh yeah for sure i've definitely yeah my

my sister-in-law my little i've got a little seven-year-old niece and my sister-in-law is really scared of spiders and she's always like every time she sees a spider, she goes, oh, it's so cute. So that Mimi, my little niece, doesn't pick up on the fear. Oh, that's clever. And then when she told me about that, I was like, mum, my mum seems to be getting a bad rep on this. My mum's a really good mate of mine. She's great. But yeah, I think I just inherited it from her.

But maybe it's something to do with Adam and Eve and temptation and, you know, that nasty little snake. Yeah. Serpent, as they call it in the Bible. It could be. Maybe I need to talk in therapy today about my unresolved issues with God. With God and snakes. And why that makes you hate snakes. Yeah, snakes would be horrible on the island, right?

I think so. Yeah. I mean, I don't see how anyone could love a snake. Like, people have them at home. People do, yeah. I was friends with a girl at school who had a snake. That and spiders, like big spiders. Why would you want that in your house?

I don't know, but I feel a bit sick thinking about it. Yeah, it's horrible. Okay, sorry. I won't drag this out. No, I bought it. Listen, I bought it out. Yeah, you did. You brought this Yeah, it's horrible. Okay, sorry. I won't drag this out. No, I bought it. Listen, I bought it out. Yeah, you did. You brought this to the island.

Okay, snakes. Yes, a great choice. Nicola, this has been really good. Oh, well, thanks. I've really enjoyed this. Well, I'm glad. You have to say that, but that's nice of you to say. No, it's great.

It's been really great. Great. Nicola, if people want to hear more from you, you are doing a live show, right? I've got a big old show on at the Southwark Playhouse which opens on the 26th of November I just got back from doing it at the Fringe where it's sold out

oh okay and got some nice reviews actually some also not that nice but mostly nice and it's called Superstar. And it is a comedy kind of storytelling play in which I tell the story of growing up with four older siblings

and desperately wanting to win their approval and thinking that the best way to do that would be to become a superstar. And then what happens when my eldest brother actually does become a superstar by starting a band called cold play and um then about how that affected my relationship with the idea of success and the show's really a very fun and silly and heartwarming show about why we feel the need to succeed and what we're trying to prove and um how the pursuit of fame is stupid interesting the the pursuit of any fame or like as a sole purpose as a soul like if you think that

you need to be famous in order to feel good about yourself then you're fucked um but it's a really happy show it's it's all about sort of coming to terms with accepting who you are and um and coming out of someone's shadow yeah i've not seen the show but i've looked into it and it does look really far it's really fun and it's like as much as i get into stuff about my siblings and things like it's all very inward punching and like you've taken the piss a lot out of my childhood delusions um and it's it sounds like people think it's a show all about being chris martin from cal play's little sister but actually it's about generally being a sister of anyone but it's also just relatable i think for so many people who have siblings but also like who have ever felt like they need more

success in order to prove that they're worthy of love and attention yes i can understand this okay okay and i think that's a lot of people i think otherwise like instagram wouldn't exist or do you know what i mean i need people to sort of like why would yeah like and subscribe and uh strive for those listener numbers etc yeah so that's a lot of spiel i've just given you actually on it but so what age did you decide you wanted to be a superstar and i was seven well i was like i want to be an actor and obviously i've amped up the whole thing for the show um i started doing um i was a mistake basically and i was born the youngest of five and i i was conscious that i needed to impress them to sort of prove that like you know don't i'm sorry that i'm here but i've got something i've got something to prove and then

suddenly it's like i was doing this pantomime and I was a bunny and I had to dance. And it was probably really, it was definitely really basic. But in my head it was like, I'm a star. Oh, yeah. And they're clapping for me. This is me now. Look at my siblings. They're saying I'm good. And then I do the next village pantomime in which I play a Liverpudlian dwarf.

And the whole village says I'm good. Okay. And then you get these delusions. And then my brother left the village and moved to london and became a superstar so i was like well obviously that's gonna happen for me how old are you when that happened well when chris got famous yeah well he started the band when he was when i was eight right and then got really famous when i was like 11 okay so this quite young for you to be realizing these things i think is it well obviously i'm i'm realizing them in the show in hindsight yes okay okay i think on a and this is you know years of therapy yes okay we've gone full circle yeah like i think obviously i wasn't

like as a seven-year-old like if i become a superstar then blah blah blah but looking back now where i'm like why do i have all these thoughts and feelings about success and why do i always feel like i'm not enough and why do i feel like i can't you know like i need to prove myself in my own right well my brother's famous and i have all these needs to to to like get validation from the outside world right yes and so then when i started making the show about it it's like you have these stories and things and you go like oh i think that's what was happening back at that time yeah yeah like it was weird like i was in a show in exeter playing mole in wind in the willows yeah i talk about this too much now actually um but like chris came to and i was like i thought i was like nicky martin and that's that's my real name is Nicola Martin.

I was like, I'm a big cheese in Exeter now. Like, I'm mole, you know. Everyone's coming. It's going to be great. And then Chris came with his new girlfriend who was Gwyneth Paltrow. And suddenly, like, everyone after the show is asking for his autograph and her autograph

and taking pictures of them. And I was like, guys, mole is... Mole is here. I am mole. Yeah. And also, I, well guys, mole is, mole is here. I am mole. Yeah. And also, I think part of making the show is about me kind of accepting

how much of a big impact my brother's fame had on my life. Yeah. I can imagine. Yeah. That must have been, that must have been difficult. I'm really,

like, I'm really conscious that going, I've got a famous brother is not something that you can then go, it's really hard. But I have found it really difficult I'm really conscious that going, I've got a famous brother, is not something that you can then go, it's really hard. But I have found it really difficult at times. And this show is kind of my way of coming to terms with it and embracing it and trying to trust that,

even if everyone knows me as Chris Martin's little sister for the rest of my life, then I know who I am and I know what I i'm doing and i'm good i love that that's great i can't wait to see the show well please come yeah i'm gonna come see it there's loads of chat about it there yeah but yeah it's it's it's um it's fun and i think people come away sort of surprised at how relatable it is actually because i think loads of people have a sibling or someone in their life who they feel like they're constantly in their shadow and um yeah yeah for sure you know or a parent or or something yeah yeah yeah i get that but it's about a wider experience and about that thing

about what i was saying about success it's about so much stuff guys sometimes when i talk about it i'm like it's is it about too much stuff Like, maybe I need to restructure the whole thing. Wow. But no, it's about success and siblings. I have just restructured the whole thing, actually, yeah. And I think it's going to be really fun. Nicola, I can't wait to see the show. If people want to find you on social media, where can they find you?

Instagram, at NicolaRen26. Ren, W-R-E-N. And then on Twitter, at Ren Nicola Wren 26. Wren, W-R-E-N. And then on Twitter at Wren Nicola. Great. And the show's on at the Southwark Playhouse. The show's on at the Southwark Playhouse, yeah. For four weeks. Four weeks?

Until the 21st of December. How many shows is that? 30. 30? Is it too many? Maybe. But I'm going for it. It's been my dream forever to get my own show on

that I've written and can perform in London. And it's taken me five years and I got here. It's very impressive. Yeah. Thank you. That wasn't me trying to make you say that, but I'm just really proud of it and really excited and really grateful for the opportunity.

That's great. Well, thank you very much, Nicola. Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming in. Cheers. Bye. thanks for having me thanks for coming in cheers bye