Desert Island Dicks - NIGEL NG (UNCLE ROGER)

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

Today Dan is joined by none other than Nigel Ng, best-known for his character Uncle Roger. Today though he's here as himself, which is fine by us, as he's a very funny standup comedian, and has some great choices for the worst people and things to be stuck with on a desert island. Listen good suckers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Today's episode features comedian Nigel Ng. He's often known for his character Uncle Roger, who you may have seen just absolutely roasting people for their cooking abilities, which is very funny, and you should check him out on YouTube for that. And he's also a very funny stand-up as well. And you will see that in action in his... Well, he's not doing stand-up today.

He's telling us about the worst people and things he could be stuck with on a desert island because that's the nature of the podcast, as you know. But you'll witness him being funny because he is. So that's it, really. As always, it's great if you can subscribe to this podcast, then you'll never miss an episode. Any ratings or reviews you can leave us are always appreciated.

It really helps us out. So that's great if you can. And, you know, if you can't muster that up, just tell a friend. Spread the word about Desert Island Dicks and let the world be filled with people talking about dicks. You know what I mean. that didn't come out right but look let's stop this rambling on shall we and let's get into the meat of the thing and listen to desert island Dicks,

the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and creator of the character Uncle Roger, Nigel um how are you doing hi i'm good i'm good daniel how are you yeah not too bad not too bad are you feeling in the mood to sort of get ranty is this a an easy an easy thing for you uh yeah yeah i i host my own podcast too and that's just me talking to a producer my My producer usually just shuts up,

but he's on screen. Otherwise it's just me yelling in a room. So yeah, I am familiar with the format and ranting. I do that a bit sometimes, yes. Good. Because obviously, you know, your sort of alter ego, if we may call him that, Uncle Roger,

is, you know, there's this whole shtick is kind of obliterating people's cooking. So I thought it was probably within your wheelhouse, you know, but I don't know how far the character is from, you know, part of your personality. It's very close. It's very close. Uncle Roger is who I would become if I didn't leave Malaysia. If I grew up and stayed there, I would become that person in 20 years' time. Do you know what? Before we started recording, I was suddenly like,

oh, I didn't realize the time. I was like, I've got to eat something quickly. And I thought, what can I make quick? And I was like, oh, I'll just make some fried rice. And I was like, oh, God. And then I was really aware of how I was making fried rice because I've seen your critiques. I'm not going to go into the details in case you obliterate me. No, no, that's not the right platform for that. You need to make a video on YouTube first. Yeah, I think there's enough of them, but that. You need to make a video on YouTube first. Yeah, I think there's enough of them, but I'm not going to throw my hat in the ring. Okay, well, let's dive into it then.

You're stuck on a desert island. Who's going to be the first dick joining you? First dick? It would be terrible to be stuck with, I think, Kim Jong-un, the North Korean leader, because people fear him and then you're stuck on an island he's not gonna

he's not gonna cooperate with you and try to survive with you right he's gonna start he's used to ordering people around and killing whoever

doesn't you know bring him berries or something so I think that's a terrible person to be stuck with and I plus the language barrier

I don't speak Korean and he doesn't speak English so he's just gonna yeah I think that's a terrible person to be stuck with. And plus the language barrier. I don't speak Korean and he doesn't speak English. So he's just going to, yeah, that'd be terrible. What is he going to do? To tell me to do shit for him by pointing at stuff? Yeah, he's such an interesting character, isn't he? Because I think a lot of the time you see him, he sort of looks very smiley.

Where of course we know that he's really not, you know. His press shots, he's a kind of standing around smiling and waving. And I can imagine you being on a desert island with him. You'd sort of have a little joke and he might laugh. And then the next day, like, he like drops a rock on your, like a huge big boulder on your leg. And you're like, what was that for?

And he's like, that's for that thing you said yesterday. You know, there'd be absurd reactions to any little thing you did, I think. Yeah. And you might disappear from the island if he doesn't like your jokes yeah yeah so uh i i wouldn't joke around with him i don't think he will have a sense of humor sometimes when people are in that kind of position of power you know you know in north korea every family every household needs to have the portraits of the Kim family, right? I think Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, all the leaders as a picture in their

house. So I think if you are that person whose pictures are at everybody's house, I don't think you develop a sense of humor. No. You know? There's no time. You develop a sense of humor because you're bullied and you need to find a way to deflect that kind of bullying, you know. So I don't think he's been bullied ever in his life.

No, it's weird, isn't it? Because it's like, yeah, sometimes people in power or from kind of privileged backgrounds, you think, oh, you know, you're going to be kind of hard to get on with. You know, you're a bit out of the loop. But in North Korea, he's basically got a godlike status yeah and and so is his father and grandfather so it's not like it even i mean the lack of self-awareness must just be unreal who knows maybe he's like a really intelligent guy maybe he's very sensitive and uh introspective but he has to put up this front you know maybe

maybe we land on the island and he's like oh thank fuck i could just be myself hey guys how's it going he's shaking everybody's hands you know yeah it's like oh god i'd have to work out which one of my family's plotting against me it's okay you know yeah yeah please treat me like a normal human being to call me call me on call me on not not this uh supreme leader kim please call me on yeah it's such a fascinating world though isn't it like with north korea because i mean because he wouldn't have anyone to call on to sort of just instantly have you disappear he'd have to do it on his own unless he could coerce the other people you've got there so i mean maybe that's when he couldn't just click his finger and have you killed maybe he would just sort of go oh well oh right i'm just a guy now he can threaten you with like just you

wait till i get to my home country the missiles are coming for you nigel you know if you don't don't do his bidding so he could use that to threaten you for like a future missile launch on your house so yeah or the entire west you know oh yeah that that too i wonder if if he went missing though maybe you know maybe he had a good chance of being rescued because he's so revered but then then again and i don't know if this is just propaganda but it feels like their technology is lagging behind slightly so i don't know if like a homing beacon on kim jong-un would be that effective i i think they have the tech man they just don't share it with their people they probably have all the most

futuristic military technology I think that's why that's why in South Korea everybody needs to serve in the army right they're all like oh shit's gonna break out

anytime yeah that's a terrible life isn't it you know you wanna go to uni and you finish uni you're about to go to work

and you're like oh shit I gotta be a soldier for two years and then you studied art and you're like you're about to go to work and oh shit i gotta i gotta be a soldier for two years and then you studied art i don't care guys yeah i'm very glad we don't have national service in this country i'm so not cut out like yeah i host a podcast where i'm sarcastic about stuff right can i use sarcasm against the enemy no okay people don't like doing any sort of manual

labor here i find in britain that's why uh yeah i'm working with a lot of builders right now most of them very very few of them are british yeah so people don't even want to tile floors let alone like shoot guns at people so yeah nobody wants to be in the military it's kind of lame now you know what i mean yeah well i think I'm very much of that group. So I've done a bit of manual labor, but I just wasn't very good at it. Yeah. Same, same, same. Okay.

So Kim Jong-un, that's a strong start. We've got a big, you know, heavy hitter in there from the beginning. Who's going to join him? Who's the next person? I think this is more like a group of people, not a specific person, but anyone who tells you about NFTs, oh, that would be the worst to be stuck on an island with them. They talk their ears off about a monkey

that's worth 20,000 pounds. And I mean, it's quite a big thing now. And it's only guys approaching me with it. Women never talk about NFT in my life so far. It's always like unemployed, boring men who just be like, yo, bro, with your following, bro, on YouTube, you can make a lot of money doing NFTs, bro. Generational wealth, bro. It's all just this. It feels very scammy, very get rich quick, very,

you know, MLM almost, pyramid scheme type stuff. Yeah. And then it's never an interesting conversation. It's never about, like,

you know, I make videos online, right? It's never about how I can make my videos better, how I can make them funnier, any constructive criticism on like filming techniques

and stuff, you know, any jokes they can give me it's more like just money and because talking about NFTs is really

just talking about money right and talking about money is one of the most boring things yeah and yeah it's just a terrible

conversation definitely I remember there was one time I was in LA I was jet lagged and I went out with a few friends and one of them

started telling me about NFTs and I was just like half asleep I was jet lagged I was half asleep i was oh yeah yeah okay okay okay just trying so hard not to tell him to like shut the fuck up you know yeah it's weird isn't it because it's something i don't really understand it so at some point i kind of want someone to explain it to me but i also don't want to have that conversation do you know i mean i want the knowledge without the without having to talk to someone about it they're going to tell you that oh it's a non-fungible token and then

you're like okay what what does fungible mean yeah there's just a few things these days where you just think we're doomed like life doesn't make any sense anymore like my son will be watching a video of someone playing a video game on youtube and I'm like where how do we get to this thing and then like NFT seems like one step beyond that so you want me to buy a picture of a monkey but I can see the picture anyway but I've got to pay like four grand for that yeah but I own it and it is it is like as you said it's a very sort of masculine thing and I think sometimes when things get very collectible it is like you know like whether it's like expensive wine or art or like even djing or something people like oh i want to know all about it and i want to sort of be a real geek about it and it's just yeah it becomes so dull yeah when you talk to guys i think maybe our brains are

wired differently but we just they just get stuck on one topic for half an hour. You know, I think it's a guy thing. We like obsessing over things and me included. If you get me going, I can talk about like, I don't know, filming equipment

and YouTube for many hours. I'll talk your ears off. But I think it's a guy thing. We just obsess over one thing and then we just lose track. We just get tunnel vision. So sometimes,

I know friends who are into knives, kitchen knife, chef knives, and I'm kind of into them as well, but I don't know enough. Or they're into like, I don't know, any sort of weird hobby really.

Planes, they can talk their ears about planes or cars or watches. You know, I think, yeah, there seems to be a masculine trait like that, right? I've never hung out with any of my female friends and then realize they are talking my ears off about something

they always like have a few topics they talk about not just one yeah also maybe because they're just better at listening in conversation and we're just like let me tell you everything i know about this thing i know you didn't ask but i'm'm just going to carry on. Sometimes I like whiskey, right? So sometimes I pour a glass of whiskey for someone and then they like whiskey too. And then just start telling me about all the other whiskeys

that I don't have and what they taste like. It's like, can we just enjoy this? Yeah. You know, I just poured it so you have something to do

while you're at my house. I didn't pour it as an invitation for you to kind of expound on your knowledge of whiskey yeah yeah it's like i do really want a scotch but yeah i don't want to not the conversation yeah it's something's an invitation isn't it that's why i don't want to smoke cigars ever because that's another invitation yeah you can't you can't be a guy like smoking a cigar i guarantee there's gonna be another guy coming up next to you and be like, yo, you like cigars, bro? And he's just telling you about his last trip to Cuba or

something to buy cigars there. So I need to find like a hobby that doesn't invite further conversation, maybe like pottery or something. With NFTs though, it's weird because, you know, I guess they're an equivalent to something like stocks and shares and that sort of thing. But it's quite easy to avoid conversations about shares because most normal people aren't involved in it, you know. And it's like, well, if you're kind of in that industry, you're a bit of a bubble

and it's kind of a bit of a social class as well. So it's kind of that out of arm's reach. But I think because NFT is a bit more like an everyman kind of thing, it sort of infringes on your life a bit more. it's like oh now we've got to talk about this shit i think the solution to this is to take up smoking you know so sometimes i'm stuck in a party at a conversation at a party and i'm like oh i wish i smoked because you just have an excuse like bye i need to go smoke i have an addiction guys bye let me just jump out of this conversation

it's like long-term health damage but short-term gains i think and i think you weigh it up it's probably okay yeah you don't even have to smoke and you just have to carry a pack of cigarettes and just you know show it to them don't vape because vaping you have to tell you just do it indoors so we don't care you're like fuck now it's the worst of both worlds. I have this addiction and I can't leave conversations. So just buy a pack of cigarettes, you know, like a half empty one. So you can hear the sound, you shake it.

And then just go outside and just walk around the block. You don't even have to smoke it. It's just a little get out of jail free card. Yeah, it's a good idea. I might adopt that myself, definitely. Yeah, I just thought of it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

Show them a bag of cocaine and then just, it doesn't have to be cocaine it can be just be salt or msg like i talk about it a lot in my videos but just put it a little plastic bag a sealable one and just and then you know fuck off to the bathroom and be on your phone for a little bit yeah because then you can sort of you got more of an excuse that they can't join you if it's cigarettes they might be like oh i'll come with you it's cocaine you know sure it's really expensive they might be like, oh, I'll come with you. If it's cocaine, you're like, sorry, it's really expensive. I can't give you any. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm glad that out of the negativity about NFTs has come this positivity. You know, it's like the pearl in the oyster.

You know, we've kind of, we found something positive from it. Yeah, do drugs and smoke. I think that's the lesson here. If you want to have a happy life. Okay. Who's going to be the third person joining you? I think it has to be have a happy life okay who's gonna be the third person joining you i think it has to be jamie oliver okay because i've shat on him in so many videos he hasn't him nor his team uh has responded to me yet but i know they're aware uh so it's just gonna be that

the most awkward conversation. You know, if we board a plane and the plane crashes, first of all, boarding a plane with Jamie Oliver, I think he probably flies private now.

He's too rich. But if we board a plane together and then we just, our eyes meet and we're like, oh no, that's awkward. You have to make sure

to use different bathrooms on the plane, you know? You don't want to run into each other. But he probably flies like first class or whatever. But then we land on the island and then we have the awkward conversation okay hey hey jamie um so um can we just forget that i shed on you for like the past two years and uh let's forage

some food can we go hunt yeah so yeah, just knowing that sort of thing. I mean, for people who don't know, this would have been under the guise of Uncle Roger. Yes, yes. And critiquing Jamie Oliver's cooking. Yes, I've critiqued him making egg fried rice. I've critiqued him making green curry, ramen, among many other dishes, butter chickens.

People love it when I roast him a bit because a lot of his food is very health conscious and very British public friendly and that's why he's so that's why he has mass appeal right

but if you make something online I think criticism is fair play and I do it in a funny humorous way which I'm very proud of but yeah it would be awkward to see him yeah so we finally meet jamie and it's under the word the weirdest circumstances on this island yeah because it's it's hard to know what he's really like because you know he's got such a sort of like i'm a cheeky happy geyser sort of persona so he seems

like you know like quite friendly kind of guy but like he's obviously a very driven individual to sort of amass the success that he's had you know and like like i think he's worth more than the beatles you know he's got like a huge fortune i mean or at least one of it i think i just think i saw it compared to paul mccartney's wealth once and it was more and i just thought that's that's just mad but pa, Paul McCartney hasn't put out new shit for many years now, but Jamie Oliver has a new cookbook every Christmas. Yeah. Yeah, he has a lot of money, man.

All his restaurants closed down and he's still a multimillionaire. Yeah. You know, that is, you've done well, Jamie. You did well. But I think, you know, because of that driven nature of his, you know, maybe there is like quite a hard guy underneath it or like a hardened personality. He doesn't take any shit and just wants to expand and flatten everything in his path. Yeah, he's going to try to open a restaurant on that island. Oh, boy.

I'm like, Jamie, I'd rather eat twigs. I'd rather eat the twigs. I mean, it'd be a like elephant in the room you wouldn't be able to not broach the subject quite early on or even if you sort of you just have to get it out the way and then yeah and you're not really sorry either you kind of think well it's fair game i'm like hey that was pretty funny right hey jamie come on come on you laugh right come on if it if like

I'll tell Jamie if it were anyone but you you would laugh at this these videos you know yeah if it were

Gordon Ramsay instead of you you would laugh at it so come on come on Jamie come on you know and normally I'd say

if you're stuck with a chef on an island it's quite useful because they can help you with the cooking and stuff but you don't like his cooking so it's not even that useful. Yeah.

Jamie, Jamie, put the spatula down, Jamie. Put the pan down. Let me cook, please. Put the pan down, Jamie. Fair enough. I wonder how they're all going to get on together.

I mean, Kim Jong-un, I think, will just quite quickly just go off to the other side of the island and sort of be working on some kind of sinister thing. I could get Kim Jong-un to be on just quite quickly just go off to the other side of the island and sort of be working on some kind of sinister thing. I could get Kim Jong-un to be on my side by you know by telling him how shit Jamie's cooking

and Jamie's cooking is and Jamie actually cooks for him and then if he agrees with me if Kim's like yeah this is pretty shit mate come on and then we actually be friends because we probably both love Asian food and then the NFT guy, I don't care about him.

Let him just drown or something. They're all unemployed these days. NFT people, it's like, they're unemployed. But they don't want

to say they're unemployed so they're into NFTs because they read two articles about it. And anybody can mint a token these days. You know, there are websites

where you can just, I don't know, sign up for an account and mint your own little picture of something so if you if you tell me the first words out of your mouth i do nfts then i think to myself yeah you're unemployed yeah fair enough okay well i think you've got a good selection of people to make it quite awkward and we need to now see how how much more unpleasant we can make it because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad and obviously you know people listening are going to be particularly interested to hear your your

comments on the food and drink i think well uh Well, your listeners are mostly British, I assume? Mostly based here? Yeah, mostly. They're fairly spread out, but yeah, mostly British, I think. Yeah, I would say the worst food is if everything was catered by Wagamamas. And for listeners outside the UK, Wagamamas is this Pan-Asian food chain.

It's very bland. They took Asian food, but took away the best parts of it and then just served up the most inoffensive, the most pandery, bland stuff so you would get

like a chicken katsu curry but it doesn't really taste like a katsu curry, it just tastes like some sort of mild gravy with chicken and they also go like, try to go the healthy route,

you know, they use very little oil and they make a pad thai with very little oil. And it's like, come on, it's supposed to be like stir-fried noodles. So anything by Wagamama, you're already stuck on an island. And you have to subject yourself to this very shit food that's bland. And because it's so bland, you end up eating a lot because you're not satisfied. You're not satiated.

And they try to make it healthy edamame everybody gets the edamame there and it's just very basic so yeah there's anything by wagamamas man they're like asian fusion but they fuse themselves with everything except flavor i think it's like you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads.

Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. All sorts of Asian. They have chicken katsu curry, then they have a Thai green curry, then a Panang curry, then a Penang, which is Malaysian. A Malaysian fried noodle dish. And ramen.

Oh, their ramen is like... I only go to Wagamama's if I'm stuck at Gatwick Airport and there's no other choice. You know? That would be terrible. I'm already stuck on an island and you subject me to this.

Oh, no. Yeah. I love noodle soups like any kind from just like a packet of ramen noodles in the cupboard to like just it's like my favorite comfort food like any kind of asian noodle soup but still like there's something a bit lacking with them it's sort of like there's not like where's the punch you know like where's the sort of well the broth isn't made properly they they probably don't make it like a bone broth for like 18 hours you know the broth is probably like just pure water and they put salt in it maybe a bit of miso and soy sauce and then they call it a broth and the thing is unfortunately with the british public there's no incentive to improve their food because everybody's going vegan.

So if they say, oh, we marinated, this is a pork bone broth, you know, or we marinated pork bones in here for 24 hours, people actually want to buy it less compared to,

oh, this is soy-based, light soy-based vegetable broth. You know, that people are like, oh, it's light, it's soy, it's vegan and it's healthy. So there's no incentive. I blame

the rise of veganism, man. Now, because they're missing out on so much, not just meat. Okay, if you don't want to eat meat, that's fine, but so many good things come from rendering fat out of a meat, boiling bones of a pig or bones of any

animal, creating stock from meat dishes. And that really adds body to a dish. You could have a vegetable dish, but you know, if you cook in, I don't know, chicken stock, you add some body to it. I don't know what kind of dish that would be, but I'm sure you can use some animal products in vegetables, which is done a lot in Asian cuisine, you know, cook with pork lard, oyster sauce, that kind of thing. So these little meat enhances a lot of stuff. So to not eat meat at all,

they get used to bland food. They think that's what, I guess it's more good for the environment and stuff, but life is too short. Enjoy it. Kill a chicken. So they do all this, and then the British probably is too short. Enjoy it, you know, kill a chicken. So they do all this, and then the British probably is leaning

more and more vegetarian, and that's why Wagamama has to go where the dollars are, right? So they serve more and more things that are vegetable-based broth, you know, aubergine. It's not the same, is it? I just always think with Wagamama,

there's so much image over substance, you know? Like, I remember walking past one, and they were like we're hiring and and it had like details of the sort of people they wanted and it should just be like do you want to work at wagon members but it's like we want interesting funky different people and it's like have like good food i don't care what it looks like that you're like your restaurant but you know you can go to like some real shithole looking place but they have like food that just tastes like it's been cooked for hours and just is really good. That makes more difference.

Yeah, I agree. A lot of these, the worse the job is, the more they want kooky people. Yeah. You know, we want someone fun. We want someone exciting and chases their passion. It's customer support for a bankmate. It's answering the phones because people can't log into their accounts. Let's just lower the standards.

Let's not try to hire Elon Musk for every position. Can we do that? Can we just say, do you need money? Like now? Because of COVID and stuff? Yeah, just join us. We know you're going to leave anytime, so just join us uh we know you're gonna leave anytime so just join us we don't have to do you know let's skip the bullshit you know we're not

gonna ask where do you see yourself in five years because the answer will be like not here yeah run if you're applying for a job and you see like they want kooky interesting people fucking run it's a shit job do you think investment bankers high-flying white-collar jobs put out like something, a recruitment post on LinkedIn and that's what they look for? Oh, we're looking for fun-loving, out-of-the-box thinking individuals.

You know, do you think they put that for hiring CEOs for good jobs? No. Okay, well, we're going to give you like a sort of a Wagamama-style buffet, like a tasting menu from Wagamama's for your food. What would your drink choice be? My drink of choice, the worst thing I would think of,

the alcoholic, if it's an alcoholic thing, Jager Bombs. You know, it never ends well. And then if you get to the point of the night where you think Jager Bombs are a good idea, it's time to go home, man. You know, and the taste itself. I like, you know, whiskey. I like some nice wine, beers.

I like everything. But Jäger bombs, like a Jägermeister tastes like cough medicine. And Red Bull tastes like Red Bull. You know, it's sickeningly sweet. And also medicine-y, you know it's sickeningly sweet and also medicine you know like there's a kind of weird chemically artificial type flavor to it so you mix the two and it's just oh and then you feel so sick afterwards because you know you're hyped up on all that sugar and alcohol as well and it's just not a pleasant feeling yeah i mean the fact that you're drinking

a glass with a glass in it as well as like this doesn't make any sense like i don't know why they decided that rather than just like mixing the two things it's like no you get a glass you put another glass in it but why do we do this why don't we just sort of i think it's such a strange thing i think it's a fun thing college kids like to do and it kind of took hold. Jägermeister is not a trendy drink by itself. Who goes out and has a shot of just Jägermeister? In Germany, it's like an old man's drink. I was married to a German woman for a long time.

Not anymore, but I was with a German woman for a long time. She said Jägermeister is just shit old men used to drink until the Jägerbomb came into the world. Yeah. I remember thinking there was this advert for Jägermeister that I thought was quite fitting because it's like a group of friends. They gather in a wood and they collect all these things from the forest and they build this huge, magnificent stag out of all the materials from the forest and then they set fire to it.

And I just thought, that's a really good metaphor. Because it's like, I don't care how many fucking ingredients you put into it. It's just wasted at the end. Or people try and get rid of it. So you craft it with all these things. And then you try and get rid of it as quickly as you can. Because it's disgusting. Yeah.

What is in Jägermeister? Antler horns or something? Because there's a deer on the on the logo or something right yeah who knows who knows who cares who cares it's probably chemicals so i think you've got not enough flavor from your food and too much flavor from your drink um okay now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song.

What are they and why? There really isn't a least favorite, but something I'm sick of is like Yellow by Coldplay. Yeah. Yeah, I can't listen to it once a year that song maybe and anything more it's like oh no here we go again it was all yellow oh what does it even mean chris what does it mean it's all yellow it's such a sort of like slow plododding, uninteresting song, isn't it? Yeah. Somebody put it on YouTube recently. Because when I put it on TV, usually it's just YouTube, right?

So they play music through there. So they put it yellow on YouTube. And I don't know if you've seen the music video for Yellow. But it's just the most low-budget shit, you know? It's Chris Martin walking on a beach, singing a song. One take. One take. And it's not impressive because he actually fucks up one of the takes he actually like kind of smiled a little bit but i kind of laughed a bit because he was like oh

this is so ridiculous i'm filming this so he messed it up so the one take thing is only impressive if you do it correctly but it's one take with mistakes in it and they didn't bother to reshoot the whole three minute song they just yeah it's my crazy smile just just laugh it's fine it's funny just laugh i just think he's got a terrible voice and often like if you see him doing a live song it's just all over the place and it sort of like jumps from here to there and people also go oh but i quite like him for that but for that kind of music i think you should be able to sing i think it's like the minimum level like that's that's all we're really asking of you chris yeah that he i don't know he's i think he got so lucky because yeah you're right he's yeah it's not a great singer and his music

he does pop essentially and you you and you look at someone like Ariana, who crushes, even Ed Sheeran, who many people seem to hate, but he's actually a good singer. He can carry a tune, and his voice is nice-sounding, but then Chris Martin, yeah, you're right. He's kind of failing, flailing, you know, and his voice and his vocals aren't great,

but then he has one of the biggest bands in the world. I don't know how he did it. I know's weird i think it was like maybe that time when it was like indie and sort of poppy indie and it's sort of like around then so it's like well because we're going to sort of pretend a bit to be like an indie band then maybe you can get away with not singing quite as well but but yeah for the size of that band it's just uh it just does it really annoys me yeah it like touched a nerve but i think yeah being stuck with that as band it's just uh it just does it really annoys me yeah it like touched a nerve but i think yeah being stuck with that as well it's like because it's not something you're never going to get excited by and like there are probably worse songs you know but i think it's just it's

very bland yep agree don't don't listen to it all right and what would you watch what's your film choice Schindler's List man it's like it's a good film but I'm already stuck on a desert island with it you know

life is depressing enough and you see that red coat ugh it's too much too much you see you see like Liam Neeson

you gotta play Taken that would be a fun film you know Taken or Con Air. That would be fun films to watch on a desert island. You can forget your misery for a little bit. But then you play Schindler's List and it's like, oh, I know

you're miserable on this island, but you know, these people are way more miserable than you. This guy has to save the Jews, you know? And it's just yeah these people went through so much shit

so don't complain you're on a desert island but you have Wagamamas there you have food and Jager bombs and Jamie Oliver stop bitching so I just want to watch

you know any movie that is about tragedy not just Schindler's List really but any movie that is about that not great not a great film to watch

on a desert island yeah because it's films that are sort of oh it's about an important thing you know and it's well done but are you enjoying it you know like you can sort of go yeah that's that's a good important film but i'm not like how many people watch it more than once do you know what i mean like oh i'm really in the mood for shindler's list yeah it's like in the stand-up world that's like hannah gasby's nanette you know like important work groundbreaking original i don't want to watch it i've seen the whole thing so i think i have my own opinions on it and you know very very not not an enjoyable watch very important very influential very acclaimed but no thanks to nanette on a desert

island yeah i think um for me the best thing about shindler's list is that you know there's Very influential, very acclaimed. But no thanks to Nanette on a desert island. Yeah, I think for me, the best thing about Schindler's List is that, you know, there's like a lift manufacturer, Schindler. Occasionally you get in a lift and you can go, Schindler's Lift. And like, that's about it for me. But, you know, apart from that, I mean, that's a weak joke. I wonder what came first, you know, Did the lift come first or the movie? You know?

Yeah, someone's like, hey, I'm going to make a list. Like, that's it. I was in the elevator one day and I just thought, yeah, I'm going to save all these Jewish people. Yeah. Imagine if Schindler made escalators. That movie would not happen. Yeah.

Because there would be no pun there. Yeah, unless he was just like a guy who just made every situation a bit worse. it'll be if you want to do a part one schindler's refrigerators to rhyme with elevators yeah it doesn't work it doesn't work schindler oh you keep schindler you keep making this problem bigger and bigger you keep escalating this whole thing like that's it that's it that's my new business venture. After I'm done saving the Jews, I'm going to make some escalators to bring them to higher places. Okay. Nigel,

finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it? And why? Mosquitoes. That's an animal, right? Yeah.

That's an insect. It's an animal. Sorry. I haven't done biology in a long time I grew up in Malaysia and mosquitoes were everywhere and they are

very annoying and there's no rhyme or reason who they bite you know because there'll be times where I get bitten a lot and there'll be times

where tons of mosquitoes are around me and I don't get bitten at all it's a luxury we take for granted living in the UK there's no there are no flies unless it's in the summer, you know, like two weeks out of the year and there are no mosquitoes. So I really enjoy that. But in Malaysia, there's so many of them, it gets so annoying. You hear that. Yeah, that just as you're going to sleep,

isn't it? And then you, you have to slap them as they fly past you, but you never hit them. So you end up just slapping yourself you know and it's just it's just really annoying imagine a desert island you're already struggling you're thirsty

you're hungry you're tired and then and I don't think there'll be mosquito nets there no so you're screwed and that's the thing like

when you go to a country where there's a lot you know sometimes you might be near a river and it's early evening and suddenly it's like there's clouds of them or something, you know, and you're like, I've had it before. I've been going down a river on a boat and there's a light at the front.

So it's just they're all just attracted. And it's just like I'm going through like a fog of mosquitoes. I mean, there's that many. It's just like, you know, and you just can't, you're like, are they in my hair? They're everywhere. Just like, oh, man. And they're itchy too. They bite you and it's just like you know and you just can't you're like are they in my hair they're everywhere just like oh man it's itchy too they bite you and it's itchy and sometimes you get you get dengue you get malaria dengue is very common in malaysia and then i have i have a friend

i have a few friends who are doctors here right so one day in man they work in manchester and one day in the hospital they had an emergency meeting because it was one case of dengue. This guy came back from Southeast Asia. And my friends were like, my Malaysian friends who are doctors there were like, it's just dengue, dude. But they had a whole, everybody was,

doctors on holiday would call back or go on Zoom or call back into the hospital to do this emergency meeting because they'd never seen dengue before. My Malaysian friends were just like, well, just let them rest and give them an IV drip and they'll be good in a week but also they're not like that

what are they for mosquitoes they don't do they serve any purpose like some insects you think you know oh this is disgusting but it helps break down this or this thing eats them and then that helps but mosquitoes are just dicks aren't they I don't think they do anything. Yeah. I don't know. I think they're just nature's way of annoying people. You know, I don't think mosquitoes serve any purpose in the food chain. Nobody eats. There's no animal that eats mosquitoes.

No, I don't think so. Right. And mosquitoes don't eat anything. So there's no power of the food chain. Mosquitoes are superfluous. It's a useless animal. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think the world will fall apart if we got rid of them. There might be some biologists out there that's screaming at me, just going, oh, you idiot, they're crucial. But I think we could, let's give it a go, I think.

Yeah, let's do it. There are a few animals that we can do away with. Mosquitoes, cockroaches. Oh, there's... What role do they play in the food chain a roach you know yeah they're dicks definitely 100 okay well nigel look i think you've made a superb list of horrible people and things for your island and um you know it's going to be a

a shitty situation for you so so uh yeah well done you've nailed the brief very well. So thank you for coming and sharing that with us today. Thank you. Now, Nigel, obviously, you have your YouTube channel. Is that the best place for people to keep up to date with everything you're doing?

Yes, you can follow me on social media. It's at MrNigelNg. M-R-N-I-G-E-L-N-G. I also have a podcast. It's called Haiya. You know, Haiya with Nigel Ng. So Haiya is one of my character's catchphrases.

It's like he's disappointed and stuff. So it's spelled H-A-I-Y-A-A with Nigel Ng. If you search Nigel Ng in your podcast app, you should find it. I'm also going on a world tour doing my stand-up as myself and as Uncle Roger. Uncle Roger opens for me and then I do an hour of stand-up.

So check tickets for that if you're interested I'm going to so many countries a lot of UK dates that's ongoing so I'll probably still be doing my UK dates

but then I'm going to the US Australia Asia Europe everywhere and Canada by the end of the year

so go search Nigel Ng tour or something and you'll find my tickets there brilliant well thank you again for joining us today

it's been a real pleasure. Thanks. Thanks for having me. So there you go. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did recording it. We'll be back again next week with another podcast. So there you go. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did recording it. We'll be back again next week with another podcast. I can't remember who it's going to be with,

but one thing I will tell you is it's going to be good because we make sure we pick good guests. And, you know, if there's any aspiring podcasters out there, that's a good tip. Get good guests. Desert Island X has been a Sink Clap production created by James Deacon, produced and presented by Dan Benedictus, edited by the wonderful Chris Attaway, social media support from Jason Leitch and Chinsey Clinton,

and as always, a special mention to GrandMamsterFlash and John Deacon for their unwavering support. That's it for me. Thank you very much. Bye-bye.