Desert Island Dicks - (NOT SO) COMPACT DICKS 16

Episode Date: January 22, 2021

150th episode of the podcast! We didn't realise and so planned absolutely nothing and so here we present to you (all we could come up with) a slightly longer podcast than usual.... think of this as the audio equivalent of buying your partner a Bruno Mars CD for Christmas that you'd picked up from a petrol station, on boxing day, on the way to their house - that's right, YOU'RE WELCOME! Submit your dicks today dickspod.com/contact Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. to you by the fda damn my sweet prince.

My lovely James. My little Jimmy Deacon. I'd really thought about the fact that I was going to enter this podcast by saying, Dan, my sweet prince, but I really caught you off guard. And I love what you came out with. What did you say, James, my love? My lovely James Deacon. I think so. My lovely little Jimmy Deacon.

Oh, yeah. I'll take it. What a lovely entry. We have a mutual friend, and we only ever refer to you as we Jimmy Deacon. I'm not sure quite how it started, but that's, yeah. I'm not the tallest guy you've ever met, but I take up a fair bit of room. And so I don't know why I am. You're like 6'1 or something, aren't you?

Yeah. I don't know why I'm like we Jimmy Deaconacon i think it's because we're both older than you and more jaded and you're sort of younger and more enthusiastic so it's probably just a patronizing thing i've got you little jimmy deacon because you're quite positive and young i've never we haven't discussed that out loud but now i analyze it that's probably why yeah because you're quite positive and young. We haven't discussed that out loud, but now I analyse it, that's probably why. Yeah, it's like, oh, one day he'll learn.

Here he is with his new thoughts. Sweet little Jimmy Deacon, rosy-cheeked, coming down the podcast path for more lovely japes. There he is, spring in his step, mic in hand. Oh, I love it. Oh, this is great. This has gotten off to a flying start, Dan. Thank you. Yeah, but what is this?

Let's tell you, listeners, this is Compact Dicks. Yeah. It's Compact Dicks. It's the spin-off companion rogue sibling, the illegitimate child that comes along at a family funeral and everyone's whispering, who's that? It's Compact Dicks. It's where you, the listeners, get in touch

and tell us who and what you would hate to be stuck on an island with. Because it's 2021. Everyone's got an opinion, so you might as well air yours. Oh, my God. This is great great stick that on the poster that's what i'm talking about that is really good stuff hey um so uh dan we get correspondence every week from people sending in their dicks which is lovely very good and um your dicks have been coming in in their droves but may i point your attention to something nice and early in the

podcast so you can get in touch with them with us dixpod.com contact as valerie did so valerie has got in touch with us and said hello dix i enjoy your podcast so much thank you very much valerie thank you and i've just found out from an interview that Josh O'Connor loves your podcast too. It is definitely the sign and the stars aligned. Please invite him as a guest. Now, Josh O'Connor, I'm sure many of you will know, plays Prince Charles in The Crown. This is madness. And that's a popular TV programme on Netflix.

Dan, I've longed for this moment. When my dad wrote a porno, it was fairly new, right? And it was maybe like a series or maybe two series in. I saw that they had like Elijah Wood was like a celebrity fan and had listened to an episode and like was on an episode. And I was like, when is that moment going to come? I thought maybe our ship has arrived in the shape of Josh O'Connor, right? Although, I do have a strong feeling that what he actually said was,

I really like Desert Island Discs and not Desert Island Dicks. Yeah, well, there was an interview you found where he said he liked Desert Island Discs. And, I mean, we're hoping hoping like with everything we have that there's another interview where he also said he liked desert island dicks but i think because that would be the dream but chances are probably fairly slim but hey josh it's not going to stop us hassling him and trying to get him on here yeah josh if you do listen to this we would absolutely love to have you on the podcast um and if you know josh o'connor you know let him know yeah um but i mean we're going to hustle him properly as well with emails and agents and stuff as well so not not just through this hey watch this pace people but thank you very much valerie for getting in touch hey dan there's something

else that's interesting about this particular episode of the podcast. What's that, James? I'm pretending like we haven't spoken about this already. I know what it is. This is the 150th episode of the podcast. That's some big numbers there. 150. I mean, having 150 of anything is good.

You know, £1.50 50 that's not bad you know 150 i can't think of any more example 150 podcasts is no mean feat yeah that's good right i mean 15 of them are these compact dicks ones that you know people maybe don't love as much but hey there's 150 podcasts on this feed for you to enjoy, people. Yeah, and to make this a special moment, because it's the 150th episode, we're going to just do a normal compact X and just mention occasionally that it's the 150th episode. Yeah, maybe.

And then we'll do something big for the double tonne. This is good. And as an added bonus, maybe, let's see when i've edited it this episode may end up longer than a regular one yeah so who knows so then deal with it let's just see yeah let's just see okay um normal service should resume dan have you got one from the people i have one from the person this is uh from graham he's a person and he says after having spent a few days struggling to replace a broken armrest on my wife's car i would like to nominate whoever

it was that decided that it was far too bloody easy for us to use normal bolts with normal screwdrivers and that it's somehow better to introduce a whole new range of bolts that require specific tools as we all need dozens more different sized screwdrivers oh yes yes yes yes i know about this now that virtually every shop is now online only it's even more frustrating as a simple five minute job can take days to complete i'm sure that each week there's a meeting of the bolt bigwigs where they discuss new types of bolts to keep us on our toes nothing to do with stopping us mortals from heaven forbid trying to save a few quid by doing simple fixes ourselves and um yeah i mean i'm i'm into that this is good there's been so many times where i'm like who has a fucking screwdriver that small do you know i mean

or one that's like the shape of a star or something it's like surely it's flathead crosshead Like, who has a fucking screwdriver that small? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Or one that's like the shape of a star or something. It's like, surely it's flathead, crosshead. Yeah. Like, what's the star shape? It's not an Allen key. It's a bloody little star thing. This is very good.

And I mean, it's quite general, but I like it. And I'm the kind of man who doesn't do a lot of handy stuff, but occasionally I'm like, I'm not going to pay someone else to do that. I'm going to do it myself. And I fixed a bit of my car. And then I'll get... Usually what happens, I think I'm going to fix something. I order the part. It turns up.

And then maybe six months later, I'll have a go. And then that's when I find out I need a new screwdriver. And we're talking years for someone like me to get anything done because of these kind of people so good call yes this is a great choice thank you very much Graham Dan you're forgetting that you are the king of science I am the king of science that's true I mean you know obviously if you give me a smashed iPhone I'm gonna fix that you know but that's because I need it I need to stare at it quite a lot rather than paying attention to my family so you know but like a broken armrest in the car,

I could probably just be grumpy about for six months. I love the necessity there. You're in lockdown and you need a distraction. Fix it yourself. Okay, well, thank you very much, Graham. Fantastic choice. Dan, I've got one too, and this one is from Joe. And Joe has emailed to say,

message Piers Morgan, in brackets, twat. Very good, yeah. There was a time, there was a time, he was the most picked person for like, we were getting him almost every episode, to the point where I'm like, I might have to put a message out to people just saying, maybe pick someone else. But he's sort of subdued a bit i think he's had quite a good summer hasn't

he of like he's well the good he's had a good pandemic yes yeah there was like he there was some redeeming features somewhere although there was this great thing that happened over the christmas holiday where um I think it was on, I want to say it was maybe on the last leg. Um, the way Lorraine Kelly was like, tried to pick Piers Morgan as like some kind of hero from the past year. And,

um, James Acaster just told us to fuck off, which is quite amazing. Did you see that clip? I think I saw a clip, but I didn't know. I wasn't sure. I didn't see the full clip, but I didn't know. I wasn't sure. I didn't see the full clip.

But, I mean, yeah, fair enough. It was actually, fuck you, I think he said. He went, fuck you, which is actually worse than fuck off, I think. Yeah. I just, you know, like, okay. So, I just think it doesn't matter. Like, you've spent so long being a sort of a deliberate provocateur trying to sort of annoy people and weedle people and just sort of get in people's faces and be sexist and racist

and just abhorrent in so many ways and then suddenly you're like oh wait i'm gonna be good and hold the government to account and like actually point out that the nhs is useful it's like well yeah but we all knew that anyway and you've still been you still basically made hundreds of thousands of pounds by deliberately being a prick for a long time like you know like yeah you don't just absolve all your sins just like that like i remember shit man yeah i mean he was dipping at points he was dipping his toe into like kat Hopkins territory kind of posts. And then he was like, has like obviously realised that that's not the way to go. Yeah.

He was fucking cosying up to Donald Trump for fuck's sake. I mean, come on. Yeah. So, I mean, Hey, to just go full circle on this,

Joe, I think short, but sweet, but spot on. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you you joe you nailed it um i have one here from hector and you know what james i'm only going to fucking read it to you hector says hey dicks your podcast has really kept me going while at work throughout this pandemic and before thank you hector he said my song choice for the island would be Anything by Andy

and the Odd Socks. This is a CBeebies based band. He said, I could have gone for a mountain of songs I don't like, but there's just something about that super catchy kids rock that gets stuck in my head for days. I know I'm not their target audience, but my

daughter is and insists on having them on a lot or the accompanying show on CBeebies and CBBC. Anyway, keep up the great work and try not to get Andy stuck in your head. We've said before there's like a particular hell about something about kids. I mean, I suppose because they have to be catchy for small minds to absorb. That's why they get stuck in your head because they're so bloody simple but i think like unlike channels like cbvs where obviously they do loads of good stuff and i really do rate them as like a like out there my kids want some other stuff that is a lot more shit than than what you find on cbvs but they repeat it so much that you hear like mr tumble sings the same songs

on every single episode oh my god i could i could sing them all to you now like Mr Tumble sings the same songs on every single episode oh my god I could sing them all to you now, they're so drummed into my psyche, it's unbelievable and also it's not impossible to have a good song for kids like if you watch Moana one of the songs is written by Jermaine

Clements from Flight of the Conchords and it's a good song, like most of the Flight of the Conchords things are so you know it's not impossible to have good kids songs it's true sesame street did it for years but sesame street yeah naming it um i um with andy in the odd socks for me not to make it personal it recalls like a certain horror um in which i went to a cbb's festival once that i know i've mentioned on this before but it was like the hottest day with two tiny children a wasp flew up my back and stung my back there wasn't enough toilets in the place there was one place to buy like an alcoholic beverage from and then not only that it went from extreme heat where we were just like lavering the kids up constantly to like torrential downpour and then

on the way out of this festival you had to walk down and under a bridge and it was completely flooded no and we're pushing the kids like tiny kid and like the theme tune the theme music to that day was andy in the odd socks so like honestly when it comes on tv it does like get me in the stomach it's horrendous oh my god that's like one of those times as a parent when you're like why am i the grown-up like yeah why don't i have anyone to call like in the past like no one's helping me i'm the grown-up now who's's going to sort this shit out? Oh, stupid me. I know. Who's going to carry me through the flood? No, I'm the one getting my trainers and my socks wet.

I drove home from Liverpool to London barefoot because it was so wet. So anyway, that's what Andy and their socks does to me. But interesting. Fair enough. Fair enough. Good choice. And a good choice, Hector.

With Amex Platinum, you can really be in the now. Access to Resi a good choice, Hector. Let's go! from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. A fantastic choice. Right. So I think worth pointing out that Hector made that choice because last week on the podcast, we threw out for you to get in touch with your song on the podcast we threw out for you to get in touch with your song choices. Now we're going to go to our regular correspondent of the podcast, John Deacon, who is

my dad, who has picked out some song choices for you. But I think at this juncture on the 150th episode, it's worth mentioning that he was the guest. If you go back 50 episodes the 100th episode, you'll find Jade Adams. Very good episode guest if you go back 50 episodes uh the 100th episode you'll find jade adams very good episode if you go back 50 more to the 50th episode i had my dad on the podcast

now at that point you know we'd reached a what felt like a massive milestone and i was like wow surely this podcast can't go on much longer dad came on and it is to his credit a very good episode absolutely is it is and not just credit, a very good episode. Absolutely it is. And not just because he calls Justin Timberlake the white Michael Jackson. Yeah, but also because of that. But when you said that to me, when I came into the office and you said that to me, I was just like, yes, you know.

But also the level of research that had gone in, it just wowed me. I had no idea he was doing any of it, and it's brilliant. We know, James, you and I, that he is an exceptionally hard-working man, and he's doing his research for this very podcast and this clip that we're about to listen to. He's doing that whilst working very hard, doing a strenuous, important job. So let's take this moment on our 150th episode to support Mr John Deacon. Hi James, hi Dan, well here I am at the other end of my Covid isolation and I'm still here so happy days. Right yet another great episode this week Dan with the brilliant Margaret Kay Bourne-Smith

and yes Dan you were right her made-up name phobia was hilarious. Now, last week you asked for the listeners' music choices. So, firstly, with a tenuous link to the theme, I'd like to choose Sarah Barron's episode. Now, Sarah chose Sean Lennon, son of John Lennon, who she had an awful encounter with when she was a waitress in a New York restaurant. So that's a great story, well worth a listen. And coincidentally, his mother, Yoko, the woman who's famous for screaming and being married to John, was chosen on Miles Chapman and Marco Sullivan's episode.

And Miles' take on Yoko's screaming and similarities to their animal choice, which was a peacock is bloody hilarious now my next choice is writer and comedian joe caulfield's episode now joe's music choice was everything by queen um coincidentally everything by queen was also chosen on my christmas recommendation which was dj andy bush's episode joe also controversially chose the music legend that is David Bowie. So the choices for this week from the man with the same name as the most boring guitarist in rock are comedian and ex-waitress Sarah Barron's episode

with a side order of Miles Chapman and Marco Sullivan and also writer and comedian joe colfield's episode hope you enjoy cheers bye and again some fine choices there i think from my dad absolutely absolutely he's uh he knows us better than we know ourselves yeah yeah and i think we'll talk about that a little bit more about particularly that sar Barron, Sean Lennon one, which, you know, definitely go back and listen to that episode. Cause that story about Sean Lennon is insane. It's just like,

it's unbelievable. It's brilliant. Yeah. Um, okay. Uh, I have a few more Dan. Um,

and I think at this point it is worth mentioning. We are on Twitter and Instagram at Dick's pod. Um, you may notice if you go on there, the things have stepped up a notch. I'll let you guys judge that for yourselves. But, hey, getting some really good content out on there. Yeah, and it's no thanks to us. No. We should make that clear.

We've got lovely Brendan involved. Basically, our friend Brendan has now taken over doing social media so you're gonna see more social media and it's gonna look better so thank you brendan he's just stepped up and uh it's helping us no end because we struggle to get one tweet out a week between us if we're honest we love you brendan if it's quite all right That one celebratory gin has gone right through me. Dan, I've got this one here and it says, Hi, Dan, James and the legendary John. I mean, if we haven't bigged him up already, guys, I think we probably need to start toning this down.

How are you all? My song choice, lead... Go on. I was just going to say, we're fine. We're fine. She said, how are you? I was like, we're fine. We're fine. She said, how are you? I was like, we're fine. Okay, yeah.

He says, my song choice leads in quite nicely to one of my people choices, Ed Sheeran and Anything By Him. It's controversial, I know, but I find his music overrated and he's become a massive sellout. What was once a promising performer busking on the streets has become a generic musical blur of purely money-making. Plus, there's evil behind those eyes, he speculates. Massive fan of the podcast and have listened since the start.

Also, a former listener of the legendary Slump podcast and would love an episode with the aforementioned Brendan and Ian purely for nostalgia. Thanks, Josh. Thanks. Actually, this guy's name is Josh Loman Daniel, and I imagine he changed his name to that because he loves you so much, Dan. Well, thank you very much, Josh. Yeah, so, well, that's Brendan who we mentioned. So, yeah, we used to do a podcast together with our other friend Ian,

and, well, thank for for hopping along into this podcast as well and now and jesus fucking christ hang on a minute if you go back to your episode which was the very first episode while we're on this 150th episode nostalgia fest you pick ed sheeran i can't stand ed sheeran like yeah he's just so bloody oh he's so annoying also i mean it he like he gives it all like i'm a sincere young singer songwriter but so much of his stuff is like here's an album i've made and this is the song that will be played on radio too this is the one that will be on xfm and absolute yeah this is the one that will probably be on Kiss with a remix this is the one it's like

he's so I mean obviously you've got to be commercially minded but it's like and he's so just he's always talking about and it's at this point

listeners that if you want to hear Dan moaning more about Ed Sheeran go listen to the first episode of the podcast sorry you know what

it just really presses my buttons I've got to say no no it's good reminiscing about stuff like oh when i was young do you remember smoking rollies like oh you were just young like you're 25 mate come on yeah you are young shut up it's true um sorry okay no don't be sorry it's fine it's what it's for hey dan welcome to the bloody podcast mate thank you very much josh with your choice of ed sheeran um darren

darren okay i've got one here from lucy uh she says hi james dan and john the song that gets stuck in my head ever since i watched guardians of the galaxy is hooked on a feeling by blue swede particularly the chorus hooked on a feeling hi i'm believing i'm feeling really embarrassed doing this she goes i have to hum the last part for fear of declaring my love for my co-workers the song spills out at the most awkward moments when walking down corridors and the factory manager walks around the corner or during meetings with higher management the worst part is that it's infectious and i hear other people whistling and humming the tune probably unconsciously so she's she's infecting other people with the song

and also it's got the really weird beginning hasn't it where it goes yeah which is like it's really at odds with the rest of the song yeah because then you think is that going to happen again i don't think it happens it? No, I think it's just at the beginning. It's just this weird thing. Like, how did that start? How did those two things go together? Part of me, yeah, is like, what the holy hell is that about? But, I mean, maybe it worked in its benefit,

just as something slightly different. But, hey, God knows. I mean, I get it. It's a good choice yeah i get it fair enough i think anything that like makes you sing it involuntarily and then you feel that other people are singing it is uh is quite annoying you know you feel responsible yes and yeah fair enough so thank you for that um i've got one here oh this is graham who who talked about the nuts and bolts earlier okay and we we're going to allow him the second one

because it is music related and he said here are a couple more entries and he said after listening to the wonderful assassination of Gary Bollock that's in reference to

Margaret Coburn Smith's episode that went out this week that obviously my dad mentioned there as well on his bit but Dan this week's episode I must say is outstanding

i just absolutely loved it start to finish it's very very good ah well we had a lovely time recording and that was one i really just felt like we could just continue slagging off people for a long time and i think a lot of that was because it gave margaret a break in her homeschooling schedule to uh you know to have a bit of um to venting off yeah a bit of venting so um yeah i think it was it was very fun so graham says after listening to the wonderful assassination of gary barlow it works much better if you call him barry garlow and the mention of james corden i can confirm that he is indeed a nasty piece of work. As one of my relatives went to school with him. Apart from being an attention-seeking narcissist, talentless knobstone,

he was also a huge bully and made a lot of people's lives a complete nightmare. I can imagine him on the island getting out of doing work by inventing ways to entertain people, in inverted commas. Interesting. Yeah, that is interesting. But Dan, should I use that to segue nicely into our throw to what we're asking the listeners for for next week? Yeah, let's do it. Let's have a jumping off point okay so um we were thinking

and this was actually suggested by my dad off the back of his one earlier he mentioned sarah baron me and sean lennon i thought well he thought it would be interesting to have celebrity encounters being the the um so so have you met a celebrity and what was it like um kind of vibe um no that's not that's not it at all sorry what am i trying to say have you met a celebrity and have they been a dick and we want to hear about it that's what i mean that is what exactly what i mean um and so yeah sarah baron shaw lennon and then obviously that james cordon people went to school with him um i mentioned elijah wood earlier and you said there's something about elijah wood yes although i've sort of this is more me being a dick than um

than him being a dick in fact also fun i don't know is it okay well um a long time ago it's a bit of a long connection but um a family friend was about eight years old and really liked The Hobbit. And it turned out that his mum, through a friend of a friend of a friend, knew someone who was working on a film with Elijah Wood. And they said, well, look, why don't you know, you can let him come down and meet Elijah Wood. He'll be really nice and he'll be happy to meet the young lad and blah, blah, blah. Wow. But she was working, so I think I was at uni at the time. So she went, would you come up to London and take him to see Elijah Wood on set?

I went, okay, yeah, cool. So we waited around and he came over and he was like really nice to this young boy. He asked him some questions about The Hobbit and Elijah Wood was really patient and nice and he had piercing blue eyes. At the time for some reason i hated elijah wood like you know sometimes you've got like a thing against someone like i think because i don't like lord of the rings i was like fucking elijah wood but anyway he was very nice my friend who i lived with thought it was really funny that i was meeting this guy that i disliked so much and he was like oh you've got to like try and get something of his like ask for like i don't want an autograph but i want a

souvenir of some kind get like a see if he'll give you a lock of his hair i was listening mad like just joking and so i was like okay well that's impossible but then elijah wood was smoking so after he walked off i stole his cigarette butt and took it back to my friend and had to do it in front of this eight year old friend of the family without him noticing I was picking up his cigarette butt Did you actually do it? Yeah, just as a silly present for my flatmate

at the time, just to sort of say here you go, it's Elijah Wood's DNA on a cigarette butt But like, it's nice to know that he was nice as pie to the young lad yeah he was really nice i can't fault him so i had to change my mind about that still hate lord of the rings but yeah fine i think fine interesting i feel like my dad would be pissed off of me if i didn't mention that at some point he had i don't know how i'm going to squeeze this in, but John Deacon of this very podcast had a short career as an actor,

slash extra in TV and film. And he was in a film, and it's got to have been Green Street, right, with Elijah Wood in it. And my dad played a policeman, just as like an extra role. And there is a photograph of my dad and elijah word and i'm going to post it on the twitter account when this goes out and this short story

uh adds context to that fine elijah word's got a lot of a lot of uh shouts this got a lot of air time yeah yeah well anyway so my story wasn't really about someone being a dick, but, you know, you get the gist. So anything on that would be lovely. You can get in touch as normal at Dickspod on Twitter and Instagram and dickspod.com slash contact if you would like to email us. Oh, nice. Yeah, and hey, Dan, here's to another 150 podcasts.

Yeah, here's to it. Better get started. Okay. Don't know what that means. Okay, bye. Bye. I'll see you next time.