Desert Island Dicks - OLD DICKS - JOANNE MCNALLY

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

You asked for it and here it is! She didn't ghost us, here's Joanne McNally's Desert Island Dicks for your listening pleasure. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello, my name is Daniel and I host the Desert Island Dicks podcast and that's what this is. This is an old episode, what we call an old dick, and we just thought we'd put it out again it features the wonderful comedian and podcaster joanne mcnally in the top of the cox episode we put out recently for international women's day there was a little extract from the original podcast in there and a few of you got in touch and were saying how how much you enjoyed it and we just thought well yeah

let's just throw out the original one again so that newcomers to the podcast can have a listen as well, because I really enjoyed it. I remember a particular highlight being when she was talking about growing up in Ireland and how at the end of the night in the local nightclub, they would play the national anthem and then just set the fire alarm off until everyone left.

But there's loads of great bits, so do enjoy episode and you know just a reminder that we've got like 200 episodes in our meaty back catalogue so yeah there's loads of great episodes for you to pick from so just reach into that big old bag of dicks and pull one out and enjoy yourself so let's get on with it here's joanne mcnally's old dicks yourself. So let's get on with it. Here's Joanne McNally's Old Dicks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Joanne McNally. How you doing? I'm good Dan, how are you? Not bad, not bad thank you. Thank you for joining us today. How have you found, well actually I know that you found it a bit tricky because I saw on

Instagram you've been posting that you found it quite tricky coming up with guests for your island i did i found it really hard like it's not that i'm a really positive person but you're like what can i get away the most of the people i don't like are close friends and family so you're like who who famous can i say but i think i found two two two and a half three anyway that i wouldn't like to be stuck with for any period of time because i think they're probably all a bit deranged all right well let's uh dive straight in then and uh we can put you out of your misery who's going to be the first dick on the island so the first dick on the island is kim woodburn do you know kim woodburn yes she's one of the cleaning ladies, isn't she?

Yes. I think she has a proper name. It isn't just one of the cleaning ladies. She was, there were two, I get confused. Two fat ladies were the cooks. She was the cleaning lady with another woman who I think the other woman basically just was like, I can't work with her anymore.

She's, I mean, look, she's great, Ali. She was on Celebrity brother um and she was incredible in it only because she is away with the fairies really aggro always giving out starting on people completely paranoid started like she's kind of goes from zero to 100 in 30 seconds. Massive temper on her. Like, I don't know what's going on. She appears to be a bit of an asshole. So she started this massive row with Colleen Nolan, one of the Nolan sisters.

I mean, who fights with the Nolan sisters? It's like fighting with, like, fucking Paddington Bear. Anyway, she started this huge fight with colleen nolan i keep trying to say colleen really colleen nolan and then she um went on loose women to try and sort it out and stormed off and everything like and then colleen nolan was on loose with or was on with holly and phil crying saying like she almost quit her job i do think maybe there's something a bit off with uh kim like i don't think anyone i don't think anyone normal acts like that but she's whatever her reasons i definitely don't want to spend any time with her plus that bone in her hair and all

her head makes her look just pissed off the whole time yeah she sort of reminds me of like she's sort of the personification you know um in matilda miss trunchbull she kind of looks like her or at least her sister she's very like miss trunchbull less less athletic but she's very like miss trunchbull she has that very severe hairstyle and uh everyone's a little pig bitch and she's just angry all the time, which to be honest, you don't really meet that many angry women. Like nothing against men. I love men,

but like it's unusual to meet a woman like that. It just is. It's just unusual to meet a woman like that. She's kind of very paranoid, very temperamental, very sensitive. Like to the point where she's literally seeing things that aren't there. Do you know what I mean?

Which must be awkward if your job is kind of cleaning for a living because you think you've done it and then you're seeing more dirt. And no wonder she's so obsessively clean. Yeah. It's that sort of fine line between like maybe you're just a genius and you know exactly what makes a television show you know you add that drama to reality tv or you're being exploited and really you need help and actually the industry should go and like well has a duty of care it's always a thin line like when you look back at people in uh reality shows before and now people are so sensitive to the

whole thing of like not laughing at other people's madness whereas before it used to be great crack to put mad people in telly but now it's like not very cool to do which is a shame and i think telly is lacking as a result of it you know and like i was watching an episode of come dime with me last night and there was a man and i can't even remember his name but like it was an old episode he was clearly mad you know like just one tooth in his head

kind of like just really aggressive really aggro found fault in everything potentially on a spectrum of sorts I don't know

like I'm not a doctor I don't know but sure he was great helly we were loving it but I was saying to my housemate I don't know if you get away with putting him into an episode of come down with me now and it's a shame saying people

are very boring yeah it's true i wonder if in the future we'll sort of look back at this kind of era of you know like the the real nexus of horrible reality tv and kind of watch it as like a guilty pleasure in the future you know the same way that you sometimes you see like clip shows and they go look at this mad show from japan where they do all this so we can like look back and be like oh my god we were savages yeah yeah yeah look at kim whitburn have a breakdown on loose women ha ha ha ha that was the that was 2019 or whatever 2018 2019 um yeah i think we are moving towards a very... But the other thing is, like, you don't know what's going on with people. Like, say Susan Boyle, for example.

There's no way. I don't think she'd ever get on a reality show now. What do you think? Yeah, I think it feels a bit shaky ground. There were sort of warning signs there, weren't there? Yeah. Yeah. I think with Kim Woodburn as well,

I mean, just let's put her on the island with you now. So she's confrontational. It's like you now. So she's confrontational. It's like two things. So she's confrontational about everything. And she's also obsessed with cleanliness, which on a desert island is going to be near to impossible. Well, she didn't lift a finger in the Big Brother house now, I can tell you. Okay.

She didn't do a thing. And she was like, they're dirty, dirty pigs. That's what she kept shouting about the other housemates. But she's very bossy. And if there's one thing I can't stand it's being bossed around i can't i hate being told what to do it infuriates me i see red so i reckon we'd have punched each other out within an hour but she's quite formidable isn't she i mean in a in a sort of in a scrap i mean i don't know how tidy you are in a fight but i mean she's you know she you know, she's got a, she's quite an imposing figure.

She is. I get, as I'm getting more temperamental, the elder I get, when I was young, I would have been terrified to be in a fight. Now I'd be like, I don't know. I'd probably, I'd probably give it a go. I don't like pain in any capacity. I have a very low pain threshold

and I hate to get smacked in the face, but I'd say if me and Kim were left alone on an island'd have someone to dance with i'd say she'd be quite physical actually yeah she's a big woman and she's quite threatening and she's cries a lot and actually maybe she'd be great crack maybe i've underestimated her maybe i don't know i mean it just feels like she's this huge ball of chaos waiting to explode and i think you know as interesting as that that is to watch from a safe distance, you're not going to have that luxury. I mean, maybe if you can quickly go up a palm tree and sort of look down on the explosions below, you'd have an OK time. But at some point it might just be you and her left.

Her and the hair flowing because she's got no hairspray left. Yeah. Might be the making of the two of us. I can still imagine her still sort of wearing one of those quite severe blazers, though, even on the island, you know. The big earrings and all. You're like, Kim, there's no one to impress here, love. Nice. So Kim Woodburn joins you on the island.

And who's going to be joining the two of you? So the person I would, the next person is doctor not doctor julian mckeith oh yes yeah i kind of think of the same era television era really yeah another mad woman on telly who has no actual qualifications i think she got the doctor qualification from an online um course from a college i don't know i think she's got a doctorate in like Greek mythology or something, but she just threw it onto her name there and was giving out like nutritional

and medical advice. Like, so it's one thing, whatever. Look, we've all kind of plunked up our credentials for things, you know? Like when you were younger, I've often said I was fluent in all sorts of languages and I could play piano and violin and no one hired me anyway. It was irrelevant.

But saying like, was one thing saying you're a doctor when you're not. Like I could call myself a doctor now, right? Yeah. But all I'm doing is sitting in my room. There's no danger to me calling myself a doctor. If I go online and start giving people medical advice, that's dangerous. So it's not that I just don't like her because she's a bit of a spoofer. I think she's actually,

she was actually putting people at risk, I think. Yeah, yeah. And it was the whole thing of people watched it because there was that whole sort of thing of like examining your poo, wasn't there? She'd always make people take a dump and then she'd have a look at it and tell them why they're going to die soon.

And it was so unnecessary. And I don't know if that's her or Shanna Ford. Who the hell knows who came up with that? But like, come on, it's completely unnecessary unnecessary it was a prop poo prop just to get extra i don't even want it i was like that's disgusting why is he taking a shit into a lunch box like what's this got to do with anything um but yeah and i remember at the time i actually quite liked the show because everyone likes that reveal you know the before and the after and they come in and they're all like their skin looks bad and

they're kind of gray in the face and they just look really unhealthy and suddenly they like you know and she'd bring in these wheelbarrows full of sugar and like that's the sugar you've had in your tea this week and everyone's like oh and then she walks them over to this gorgeous table of fresh vegetables and shiny looking aubergines and and

and then you see them struggle because it turns out they hate porridge and blah blah blah and she'd have to come in and anyway

and then they'd end up looking great at the end yeah and it was it was a cool show to watch but then when I realised what a spoofer she was

I was like oh god and the way she i don't know there's something about her her like her demeanor and all it's just a bit it's not for me yeah she's irritating yeah she was very i think you know it's so it's all well and good to i mean i suppose the aim is good you know let's help people not die of heart disease too early of course but her intentions were pure yeah but she was so angry at them all the time it's like look they might not know about nutrition so let's help them along in a nice way don't just like scold them all the time and i think um you mentioned something about wheelbarrow wheelbarrows full of sugar i remember there was this one with a vicar who wasn't that fat he was a bit portly uh which kind of suits a vicar i think really and um i think he said

something like he eats five pork pies a week and she was like right well that's clogging your arteries watch this and they had an ambulance drive into his street and they pulled out the stretcher and they'd made a person out of mashed up pork pies now i think i mean this is hilarious but i don't know if it's like what's the point it's like oh and now the pork pie man is dead because he's full of pork pies. You're like, yeah, I mean, he's not going to turn into a pork pie. That's like they might as well have put on like a fake burial and laid him out in a coffin and have his friends and family come and visit him on the day. I think they did something like that.

I'm sure there was something like they got the family's kid in one episode and they made them do like a pretend birthday party for him but they weren't there and they just had to watch a video of him on his own and having a birthday party with his parents dead from sugar or something that's pretty mad yeah pretty mad shit there was another show that i found on youtube that i really liked it was like not 10 years younger it was um how old is my body basically they were trying to find out like your biological age versus your actual age and it was fascinating they take these really unhealthy people it like and i think i honestly think your skin is a great indicator of what's going on inside you see you know the way sometimes people they kind of have a very gray you can just see they're kind of they're gray and they're they're kind of gray in very gray you can just see they're kind of they're gray and

they're they're kind of gray in the eyes and they're and they're gray in the face anyway and this was nothing to do with weight actually because some of these people were quite pin and then other people were bigger and but they lived a very unhealthy lifestyle so like chain smoking and doing loads of drugs and like you know pints pints pints pints and they went through they brought them in and gave them like an autopsy basically right of what was going on

in their bodies and it was fascinating because you don't know like I love a drink right I love a drink I'm not afraid

to take a tablet like if I have any sort of twinge I'll take it I'm not one of these people like you know people talking about like a natural birth

I'm like are you on crack I wouldn't do anything natural if it was if the alternative was an option but I never think about my liver or I never think about my kidneys because I can't see them I gave up smoking because I can see my face and I'm vain and I it gave me it was giving me lines and all and I didn't want to age like at a at the speed of light but I can't see what's going on inside me basically what I'm saying is I'd love an autopsy i'd love an autopsy now i'd love an nct of like everything that's going on i know it's not an autopsy because i'm alive i'd love to know what's going on inside me be great i mean i got a real fright recently when i saw a picture of me on my birthday about six weeks after my son was born and i just looked about 15 years younger than I do three

years later now and so now I think if that's what that's how much older I look after three years of being a dad yeah I don't really want to see what how the decay inside and it makes sense this is why like your parents are always eating like a really hard brown bread and you're like why don't you want some of the fun food I'm having and they're like no no no I can't have that and now I understand why because I'm clinging on to're like, no, no, no, I can't have that. And now I understand why, because I'm clinging on to every little fucking thing I've got. But I would think, because I know people who have had kids, and I do think kids, they do age you,

because you're not sleeping like you can. Like, I can sleep, I've no kids, I'm free to nap anytime I want, which is great. But it also means I've no one to wheel me around when I'm out. You'll have people to wheel you around when you're old. But I think physically your face might show, kids, because you're tired and stuff. But your insides are probably grand.

Probably all right. I mean, it's not as bad as being like a president or a prime minister where you see them in five years and they literally look awful. I know. Donald Trump's probably in his 40s. Like, I know. Stress really ages you. really does well but then saying that i mean jillian mckeith getting back to her she didn't even look that great did she because there's a famous meme used to go around it was

like she's the same age as nigella lawson who's kind of curvy and voluptuous and looks great and eats loads of cream and butter and crap all the time and Gillian McKeith is telling us what to eat and she looks like a skeleton you know and you know not like a fun one no not like a fun skeleton not like a fun skeleton no I know she was very she didn't look she wasn't really selling the brand to me to be honest she was pin and I think there was a stage not that long ago where pain it just oh everyone just wanted to be thin then like that was all that mattered pain it wasn't about health it wasn't about now it's all about abs and definition and toning but at the time she

was offering a thin lifestyle to people who weren't thin and this is like the early noughties when thin was very much in. Heroin chic. That was all we had done. Heroin chic. Which is awful. No one ever looks at a heroin addict and admires their body. But I grew up with heroin chic. Like that's what we had to look like.

We had to look like Kate Moss to be considered attractive. It was desperate. I was pulling out of a Sainsbury's car park this morning and I saw someone who, maybe not heroin chic, maybe more crack glamour,

I would say and saw this woman sort of go and take a piss in a bush next to me and I thought I don't think that's not a great role model you know I mean you know each to their own but it's not what I'd want walking down the catwalk for my spring summer collection no of course not taking a piss at the end of it desperate but like I do think now there's a much healthier vibe now and young girls i see teenagers now or girls in their 20s and they're curvy and they're and they're showing it off like when i was young if we put on weight we were so mortified about our bodies we were wearing like umbra jumpers like black sacks down to the ground anything to just hide all our bumps and lumps and now they're

like out to be seen it's great yeah the flip side is that like you know there's a load of people obsessed with the gyms and stuff but at least i suppose at least it's more like it's more healthy than starving yourself isn't it it's like at least you're doing exercise i feel it has to be a healthier option i think the beauty industry is and i think human nature is that there will always be a level of aspiration to your body like there will always be told that there's a next level that we can get to or should get to and I do know there's probably problems like men are under a lot of pressure now that they were never under before it was always just women that kind of felt that pressure and now all that like all

those um what are they called the Geordie Shore like that kind of oh yeah I mean the lads are obviously off their tits on roids like let's face it no one gets a body like that kind of oh yeah i mean the lads are obviously off their tits on roids like let's face it no one gets a body like that if you're not off your tits on words but i do feel that with girls now they're like i'm actually kind of jealous like i wish i'd grown up in that environment and i think a lot of it's to do with fashion and trends and people kind of rebelled against there was girls fucking dying of anorexia on the catwalks something had to be done but um the body positivity movement I think has been massively massively helpful and I'd love if I'd grown up when that was a thing and I think I think those girls are wonderful and I think Instagram has a lot to do with that because

now you can find anyone can be a model, really. Like you can find someone who looks like you no matter what your size, who's probably modeling something for someone. Whereas when I was young, like I say, they were just sticks. Everyone was just a stick. And if you weren't a stick, you weren't attractive. That was the end of it. And boys were kind of brainwashed into it as well. Fair enough. Yeah. And yeah, but you're right. I think it is a more balanced, rounded view these days. And yeah, people like Gillian McKeith, I'm not going to say the doctor part

because we know it's made up. But yeah, she wasn't helpful at all. And as I say, it wasn't, it was neither sort of that healthy or that nice looking. And yeah, and also just pretending you're a doctor is like, how do you expect no one to fact check that after a while? I mean, it's mad.

But she got away with it for years. And also, like I say, like she was genuinely talking, like banging out scientific facts and that just weren't true. Like they just weren't true. Anyway. And also, I mean, let's put her in the position.

You've got Kim Woodburn just going mad all the time and also complaining that everything's not clean.'ve got um jillian mckeith telling you why you should eat certain things but based on nothing so you probably it's not going to help you um and also you've got no choice so you've just got you just got two really negative nagging people on the island with you and you just sort of think well i want to have a nice time as much as possible but you're awful people they probably just start eating each other like i'd say if you put those two in a room they'd go for it well i think also jillian mckeith's gonna go kim woodburn you're overweight you must do something about it and she's gonna snap isn't she and so you telling me my body's

not perfect probably yeah probably i don't even think of that. Horrendous. Horrendous stuff. She'd have Kim Power walking around the island and all. Okay. And who's going to join them? Who's going to be your final choice? So the third, my third choice is Conor McGregor. Uh-huh. Yeah, good. A man I used to admire and thought he was wonderful.

And now I just think he's a dick. Yeah. He's so, I've never seen arrogance like it. I saw him once in Dublin. He pulled up to something I was going into in like, with these huge four by four cars, like this kind of squad of people. And it's like, fuck, this isn't LA.

What are you doing? It was just, it's so much. It's so over the top. How he's still engaged to that girl, I've no... How she hasn't left him, I've no idea. But anyway, they must have some sort of arrangement. Yeah, I mean, I get that if you're going to fight people for a living, you've got to have...

You've either got to be completely kind of easygoing and sort of laissez-faire with the world and just sort of go, ah, you know, win some, lose some. Or you've got to be so hyper-confident, you know, that there's not like a shred of doubt in your mind that you're the best. But I think you could probably have that without just being a massive dick. Muhammad Ali, he wasn't anything.

Like he wasn't, do you know what? I don't know. I don't know enough about it. I just know that Connor is an arsehole, let's face it. And he's kind of lost. I think when he started, he's done wonders for that sport and he was really inspiring and loads of young Irish lads were getting into it. And it was actually quite cool because there was this kind of jumping young lads who looked up to him who weren't drinking.

They were going training instead. And it seemed like he was. I mean, he, you know, you can't take away from what he did and how he started out, but all the accusations surrounding him now and his attitude now and like punching that old man in the face in the pub and I don't know what's going on there. It appears, and I get it, like for that, to be in that business and to be as successful as he is

and as driven as he is, you'd have to have undergone some sort of like retrained your personality to think that you are like beyond human if you know that way like your strength and your dedication and your focus and that there is no one like you and i understand building that up on your head but i'm still allowed to think that what he does outside of the ring she's not even in the ring anymore is uh pretty pretty shocking but i think as well lots of people you hear about like oh you know i used to be a bad kid and i was getting into trouble on the streets and then i found boxing or mma or whatever and it really channeled my anger

and it made me a calmer person because i had an outlet for it which is positive and turned it into a sport was he's sort of done the opposite it's like you're still really angry it's surely like you're the you're the one person who got angrier from doing it i mean it doesn't seem to have worked the connor thing just seems to be a bit relentless at this stage it's like i don't know it's it's it's not good i don't know what he's gonna end up doing i hope he figures out how to make peace with himself in some way because he's i think he's kind of lasted to be honest yeah i remember seeing him going to some awards do or something he's wearing a pinstripe suit and they had a close-up and all the pinstripes just said fuck you fuck you fuck you they had it woven into the fabric and you're like i mean that can't be that cheap as well and when you

get to the point where you're just so out to offend as much as possible you're having it like swear words woven into your clothes i guess for to keep himself like mentally strong he probably has to think the world is out to get him maybe but it's not like there haven't been nice boxes i mean anthony joshua just comes across really well doesn't he like still live with his mum and gives all his money to his... I don't know him. Who's he? He's like one of the... He's like a good British boxer. And he's a heavyweight. And apparently, like, yeah, he still lives quite a modest lifestyle. Gives loads of his money to his family so they can have nice lives.

And it's like, yeah, you're still terrifying in the ring. Yeah. But, you know, you seem like a really nice guy and a role model. And like, it's nice. I know. We all want that Rocky. We all want the Rocky character. you know, you seem like a really nice guy and a role model and like, it's nice. I know. We all want that Rocky. We all want the Rocky character,

but I guess that he's probably few and far between in the real world. Yeah, yeah. Oh God, I love Rocky. It's such a shame. Love Rocky. Do you know what other film I love? And I don't think anyone really, I don't think it gets the credit it deserves

or maybe that's just my opinion. You know, Over the Top. I haven't seen that actually. It's the same guy. It's your man Stallone. Is that the arm wrestling one? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Maybe I have seen that a long time ago. Yeah. And he flicks his cap like when he needs to kind of push it. You know, it's always, you think he's going to lose in the hands and then he rinses his, turns his cap around

and then when he turns it, it's like turning on a machine. That's what he says. And then he's like, boom. It's brilliant. Me and my brother used to watch it religiously in the 80s this is a big tangent but talking of arm wrestling when we're done i urge you to look up uh german arm wrestling german arm wrestler big arm there's this german arm wrestler who through a genetic anomaly has one giant arm so and it's like, it looks Photoshopped. It's amazing.

But he's, it's legitimate. He's been in sort of German adverts and stuff. He has one arm. And it's like, I don't know if you've seen Rick and Morty. There's an episode of Rick and Morty. He gets like a big giant arm.

It's like that. It looks like someone's just sort of, like a Mr. Potato Head. Someone's stuck on this giant arm. Oh my God. It's maybe the best thing you'll see all weekend. I'm just, just going to hype it up like that.

Is that fair? Is he allowed arm wrestle with that arm? Does he do professionally or just does for the crowd? Yeah, he's a professional arm wrestler. Oh my God. But then I suppose, I mean, it seems unfair, but I guess like, you know, Usain Bolt has a natural talent. You know, I could train forever

and I'll never have that natural gift and he's taller and more, you know, or like they say like, I don't know. But aren't fighters measured, like aren't you put up against people the same weight as you and the same size as you? Isn't that kind of how it works? Oh, in that case, it's slightly unfair, I suppose,

if you are, but I'm sure, I mean, if we're going to base it on over the top, I'm sure Stallone had to arm wrestle some guys who are a lot bigger than him. That's true, yeah, that's true. Okay, well, you've done some really good choices for the people on this island. Now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane,

there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? So, I mean, it's... Do you know what food I hate? Now, it's unlikely that it's going to fall out of an airplane, but soft, poached... I hate a runny yolk in an egg. know what food i hate now it's unlikely that it's going to fall out of an airplane but um soft

poached i hate a runny yolk in an egg it makes me want to gag oh really okay but i love hard poached eggs oh right so that's um the polar opposite of you egg wise yes well i think most people are and that's why i struggle so much she says says. The struggle, the egg struggle in London is real. I spend most of my time sending back eggs. Now, it's not a massive complaint, but it's a nice position to be in, to be rocking around sending back eggs. But I do, London just doesn't listen.

Like, I don't think English people understand. I think they think I don't know what I'm saying when I say rock hard eggs. They're just like, she's silly. She doesn't understand. And when i crack when i put the knife through it and it runs a i get filled with anger and i want to physically gag and i have to send it back and they just won't give me hard eggs it's disgusting that yellow bile shite it runs over everything and infects all the other food and everything's just yellow and gloopy and but i find it the same with like if a hard yolk still kind of gets everywhere

and it's sort of like a paste i don't know but it doesn't it stays exactly where it's supposed to well it would more than the yolk obviously because it's liquid so that does make sense um okay so just so runny runny eggs also i mean apart from anything the ideany, runny eggs. Also, I mean, apart from anything, the idea of eating runny eggs on a beach is just... I'm always horrified when I see on beaches, like people eating burgers and chips and all. I'm like, I don't know. Like there's certain, like your temperature, I think, say, for example, say for the drink bit, right? And I was like, what drink would I hate to drink on an island now I love red wine like I love it I wish it was water like I wish that that was

what we used to hydrate but if it was warm in any way red wine suddenly to me is toxic like I'd rather drink the belly of Chernobyl than drink red wine in the sun i suppose you've got a sort of oh you mean if the weather's warming anyway yeah imagine sitting on hawaiian island because red wine is usually served kind of room temperature yeah because i was gonna say you've got a higher operating window with the temperature of the wine but you mean the yeah the ambient temperature of the island yeah sometimes i microwave my red wine wow i'm quite the sommelier dan i'm quite the sommelier sometimes i microwave my little red wine or poor man's mulled wine yeah sometimes i'll give it an hour blast in the micro if it's a bit cold how hot do you go maybe give it like a minute that's

quite hot yeah that's warmer than i i thought you were saying like 10 seconds no give it a minute yeah it'd be bubbling it'd be bubbling away but then it's like like I say the idea of my palate I suppose everyone's the same

if depending on how the heat outside my palate completely changes so yeah you're right who in their right mind would order runny eggs on a beach

vile you eat calipos and you drink rose or like deliciously cold gin and tonics or like some sort of concoction out of a pineapple um they're the things you drink and eat on beaches but do you know what else i absolutely see i'm a bit of a pig there's not a lot i don't eat um but you know what i don't eat and people can't understand it I don't know why either I don't like pizza at all so oh really yeah so I just feels completely pointless to me

like it doesn't make me gag but it's just a giant moon-shaped like one it's like just toast with meat on I just don't get it don't get it so if me or so runny eggs or pizza fell out of the plane i'd be raging okay and i mean you know even if you're in a class on the plane that was you know if you're first class they could probably do your runny egg but um it's still not going to be that great so you know and i like airplane food i quite like it. I think it's always really exciting. I love the way they give you no choice whatsoever. Yeah, I quite like that. Increasingly, I find the amount of choice just exhausting in life.

And you're like, oh, why are there 30 types of washing up liquid? Just give me something green in a bottle. You're on a plane, like you're having a ragu and you're like, I'm a vegetarian. They're like, you're not anymore. And you're like, OK, fine. Yeah, I just yeah, I i just the idea of any eggs i mean eggs every day anyway is is isn't pleasant i think and then yeah runny eggs on a beach every day bit gritty and you think oh god there's some shell in it no it's just all the sand i remember seeing i remember seeing a photo of carrie katona once on a beach and it was obviously set up so i i what the what the celebs do from what i can tell is they put on they put on a load of weight then they go out to like benidorm they bring photographers with them

they get intentionally photographed looking like shit eating shit on a beach the photos go somewhere then they get a they get a trainer and they release a fitness DVD

in time for Christmas or whatever right that's what they do that's like obviously it's kind of like a little money making plan that they have

and I remember seeing this photo of Carrie Katona on a beach and it was nothing to do with her or her body or anything like that it was nothing to do

with that but she was eating this burger with chips and her body or anything like that. It was nothing to do with that. But she was eating this burger with chips and loads of ketchup and mayonnaise. And I was like, no. Yeah. At least go into the shade. Like it was in the roasting hot heat of the day. I was like, nah.

You need cold shit on the beach, hot shit inside. I mean, come on. You don't have to be Nigella to figure that out. That's the basics. Yeah. That's the basics. Put it on a tea towel so you don't forget yeah yeah that makes sense okay so uh runny eggs on the beach and then um are you saying so for your drink are you saying sort of uh red

wine red red wine i couldn't drink red wine in the heat it's and red wine makes me very sleepy and there'll probably be a lot of work to do on the island. Like, you know, building shit. Another drink that I... There's a couple of drinks that make me just... You know, like, smell is one of the strongest triggers of memory. So sometimes when I smell a drink, it reminds me of a time in my life. So I can't stand the smell of aftershock. Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah. Because it just reminds me of obviously being on nights out when you're young and drinking yourself into like oblivion and the smell of it and like it's spilt everywhere because everyone's just pissed out of their face and it's you wake up and it's on your clothes and yeah i occasionally sometimes if i have a mouthwash i get a little gag and i'm like what is that and i'm like, because it's like memories of aftershock. My body doesn't know the difference anymore. Yeah, exactly.

What else? Oh, was it? Oh, yeah. When I was in, I went, I worked in Spain. I worked in Fangaroa for like three months. You know, I did like a summer season there. I worked for Lineker's pub, just like flyering and getting people in and we

all we did was drink vodka diet coke vodka diet coke and it was just the smell like if I smell a vodka diet coke now I could probably

it's probably so long now it's about 10 years I could maybe stomach if someone if it was all there was if I went back to someone's house and like all I have is vodka diet coke

I'd probably do it but that's a recent development again we drank it every day for three months oh man and it was really cheap coke

it was called like Reveltas I think it was actually called Reveltas and it was always the ice was it was so hot and it was always kind of warm

and oh man that's horrendous yeah again nothing something you don't want to drink warm as well isn't it it's yeah yeah bad bad diet coke and vodka and cheap vodka as well which is yeah disgusting i think it was like a skull and bones on the front of it no it's just vile i mean all the signs were there weren't there for you you know revolt revolt us

coke and as a 21 year old you're illiterate to science. You can't read science. You're like, how can I get pissed for a fiver? That's literally your only concern. Yeah, I remember with Aftershock, we used to get... Because there was a red and a blue, which was sort of... One was a bit hotter, one was a bit cooler.

Like, one was more menthol, one was more cinnamon. And we used to do purple Aftershock, so you'd have to have a double shot and mix the two and i remember there used to be things that for some reason some twat had decided that when you did a purple aftershock you had to like you had to do it and then hold it in your mouth for 30 seconds first and then that like it was just how many fucking stepping stones can i not just you know if you're on like a stag or a hen do and like they're like no you've all got to drink this all day and you've got to drink it in this specific way and you're like look guys i'm absolutely up for getting shit faced yeah

can i just do it with nice drinks i'm still gonna end up being sick at the end of it but can i have a gin and tonic or something please like can i get to the same destination in a slightly different route you know i know and also i suppose when you're older, when you're younger, you go out with the aim to get pissed. Like, that's why you go out. Whereas now you're like, oh, actually, I don't want to get pissed because I'll be like, I'll feel shit. But shots, I don't. I wouldn't. Like, I just wouldn't be into shots now at all. I mean, if the objective of the drink is to get rid of it as fast as possible, it's probably not that nice. I can drink wine like a shot, like I'm Grant.

Like I still can drink with speed. Down and wood. Well, we have a particularly disgusting menu then for you on the island. So that's good. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across

thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, Joanne, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? My least favourite song is Are We Human or Are We Dancer? Oh, yeah. The Killers. Yeah. I absolutely hate it.

Like, I just hate it. Don't know why, I just hate it. Like, I just hate it. I don't know why. I just hate it. It doesn't make sense. And the lyrics are shit. I hate the tune. Hate it. Don't really like the killers.

Yeah, I'm not a big fan. And I work at a radio station where they play that sort of thing quite a lot. So, I mean, the only good thing about it is I've now heard it so many times that the sort of the cycle it goes you hate a song you hear it in your every waking moment or you wake up and it just pops into your head then you've heard it so many times you know the words even though you hate it and eventually like Stockholm syndrome you don't like it but you just don't even hear it anymore it's like you know it's like telegraph poles you don't really notice them because they're just there all the time so i've kind of got to that state of acceptance i suppose but yeah they overplay like people just over stations and stuff they

overplay songs to the point where you just can't bear to hear them anymore which is unfair to the um band actually like i mean if i'd heard it once or twice in my life it probably wouldn't offend me as much yeah there's something really i think the lyrics really piss me off are we human or are we band actually like i mean if i'd heard it once or twice in my life it probably wouldn't offend me as much yeah there's something really i think the lyrics really piss me off are we human or are we dancer it just to me doesn't make any sense it just pisses me off and it's ridiculous what are you what are you what are you on about what are you asking for robots we're not robots not that all lyrics make sense it just riles me that's on well the other thing is i've complained about it in the past and i've had people go actually no it refers to this poem by this famous poet and and then so then it's it's even worse than the lyrics not making

sense in the face of it then you've got some twat giving you a lesson about like oh well actually it's by this poet and you know just fuck off well then that's the killer's being facetious as well i think yeah definitely and it's it's that sort, yeah, people get really excited by the Killers, don't they? Like, like Mr. Brightside, it's just sort of like, oh, suddenly the pubs, everyone's dancing, spilling their drinks and we're going to live forever. And yeah, I just I don't like that. all play not all clubs but like clubs that i went to in dublin when i was a kid and they'd finish the night with them and i would walk 500 again that's not really a big fave of mine as a result it's all over exposure that's what these things are over exposure yeah yeah they play that one in australia a lot i remember like from being about 18 in Australia and like pubs always closing with the proclaimers I don't know

they played that at home and then the national anthem and then we were all kicked out the national anthem? in Ireland they played the national anthem yeah and then they

and then they set off the alarm because everyone leaves wow yeah wow because normally if you hear the national anthem and an alarm together

it means like that's it the bomb's coming or something they're not the proper like not like proper like techno clubs they weren't gonna like round the night off with the national anthem i mean you know the cheesy clubs that you went to like that we would have gone to when we were like 16 17 before we got a bit cool you know do they still do that do you think i don't know because i haven't been into them in so long yeah i definitely i'm telling you now there's definitely places still down the country

that would finish the night with the national anthem i've no doubt about it wow i know that's amazing wow i really i want to find out if we have listeners who can let us know on social media i'm very curious to find out yeah um but yeah the killers i feel like they are, it's this sort of new era, not new era anymore, but I'm old. So it feels like it's like clean rock and roll. You know what I mean? It's like, hey, we're a rock band, but I'm a Mormon and I've got five kids and I don't drink. And it's like, yeah, that's all fair enough. But I want to.

OK, I get that Dave Grohl's a really nice guy, but you still feel like the Foo Fighters have a bit of energy or something. There's so many bands where you're like, oh, how'd you relax after a gig it's like well you know I'm reading this at the minute I don't care no like trash the hotel room I know we know where's your leather jacket we want the bad boys but like that kind of whole genre like I would consider like Kings of Leon um Killers um Arctic Monkeys. There's another, there's another kind of like, not Mumford & Sons, but maybe Mumford & Sons.

I couldn't tell them apart. I honestly couldn't tell them apart. Now Mumford & Sons I could, they have a more distinctive sound. I used to love, do you know what I used to love? And I went to see them in Dublin, Kasabian.

But anyway, now obviously you can't like them anymore as it turns out, your man's deranged. But I loved Kasabian I loved ACDC I used to when I was in Australia doing shows

I walked out to Thunderstruck but I could play like if you play more than four minutes or something you have to pay royalties

or something mad like that it does have a long intro as well it does have a long intro but I was like as if ACDC need royalties from me come on like I'm doing the adelaide fringe but yeah i'm not prepared to pay royalties to them so i do a very short intro but i remember i went to see i used to work in um music pr before

i got into comedy and uh i went to see them we We were looking, they were playing in this kind of big outdoor event in Ireland and I'd never seen them live. And I was looking after the photographers. So I was up in the pit. So we was like, it was their train tour.

So there was this huge big train coming out of the wall and everything. So I was up really, really close and it blew my mind. And ever since then, I've been a big ACDC fan. Yeah. No, I've seen them

and it was brilliant. It's exactly what you want a rock show to be you know like just stupid inflatables coming out of the stage and angus young on like a revolving stage in the middle with loads of confetti cannons going off and stuff it was great that's what i want but yeah it feels like everything's a bit more sanitized like even kings of leon when they came out, they were like, they were almost like hillbillies. You couldn't understand a word they said. And then suddenly, with Sex on Fire, you're like, who are these good-looking young men

in their matching jackets? And like, what happened to you guys? Yeah. Fair enough, if I was them and someone went, do you know what, if you shave, we could really make a lot more money. Yeah, showbiz. Yeah, who cares? Why not?

But it is lacking. But yeah, I think the Killers are sort of the worst of it because they're the shiniest, aren't they? I don't know. I honestly couldn't. Like, I'm so hard. And I'm not a big news out. Like, I'm not a big news out.

But I do find that whole group, there was kind of an onslaught of bearded men in a lot of black with those kind of like trilby hats. And I find it very difficult to tell any of them apart. Yeah, I was at a wedding once and the DJ was struggling to get people to dance. And he was one of those DJs that had a microphone as well. And at one point because he thought it was like oh i'm losing the crowd i know i'll put on mr brightside and he got on the mic he went ladies and gentlemen the killers and i was like they're not here like

people look around it's so funny it's you know we're at a golf club he's not going to be here you know but uh you know nice try great tip if i I'm dying on stage, I'll do the same. Yeah, just go to the killers and run away. Yeah. Fair enough. And then people get angry for them not turning up. It will distract everyone. It's a good plan.

What would your film choice be? I actually didn't know I had to choose a film. So if I'm thinking on the spot, I'd probably go, see, if I don't like a film, I just turn over. Do you know what film I don't like? And because it freaked freaked me out and i would get no pleasure out of watching it is charlie and the chocolate factory which one the original the original it gave me nightmares for years as a kid oh really yeah i mean it's a freaky character it's the whole thing is freaky like the kid going up the chocolate pipe um you're one blowing up like a balloon.

It's terrifying. We had in where I'm from in Dublin, there's these things called the Rainbow Rapids where it's a water park, but like it's not, it's, I don't know how you'd explain the Rainbow Rapids. I mean, a water park is a gross exaggeration. It's a couple of tube slides

going into a rock pool in the sea. But the tube slides, it's, you know, they're covered slides. And I think, I mean, the place has been shut down. Now it's like just this kind of creepy, it's like going into the Titanic,

you know, you can, you see videos of the slides. It's all like underwater now and they're trying to turn it into, I think some sort of like museum or something. the place was it was the 80s so like there was thumbs stuck to the last property board like there was no health and safety in the place at all and the queue to get up to the top of the slide took ages and it was really narrow and my dad was was really really wanted me to do it he thought this would be because I didn't want to do it.

And he was like, this is something you need to do to kind of like grow as a human. Got all the way to the top and screamed. Cause all I could think about was that child who went up the pipe. So I obviously had a touch of claustrophobia or something. I don't know. So it ruined the rainbow rapids for me. Then I used to dream. I don't know why I have this thing which it i it is a thing some

people think it's not a thing called trifobia where it's like this weird nausea around things growing out of organisms so like do you know this i think is it i it's a fear it's a it's a phobia of patterns but like only certain patterns and because yeah i i remember a colleague seeing getting very upset once because they had a red pepper and inside it had like a little red pepper growing out of it and that really freaked her out is it that sort of thing no it's more like loads of holes in a row it's hard oh yes yes that's what yeah i've heard of that one so i think are you so i think the cause of it is that a lot of people have it. It's because, you know, back in hunter-gatherer days,

to keep us away from poisonous things, things that could harm us, things we shouldn't eat, that it would trigger some sort of nausea in us. And some of us just still have it, I guess. Still have it. I don't know. We're obviously the Neanderthals of the human race but still have it but there was something in um Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that freaked me out it's not like there was something to do with that and then I was used to dream about that girl

who blew up to be the blue belt and she was like popping um holes out of her and everything oh it's just awful a friend of mine has tryphobia as well. And she used to dream that she, there was kidney beans bursting out of her skin. It's all this. Wow. I know. So I've been doing a lot of gagging on this podcast. So that, that's a film that really freaked me out.

And I got no plan. I think it's creepy as fuck. It is. And there's also, I noticed last time I watched it, God knows how long ago that was. There's, you know, certain films when they had like different value systems. Like, so there's a bit where, you know, Charlie, he uses his like birthday, for his birthday, gets like a chocolate bar to win the golden ticket and he doesn't.

And then his grandpa goes, hey, look, I've saved my money and i've bought you a chocolate bar and instead of going oh isn't that nice because you're a poor family let's you know spend it on the child so he has a vaguely normal upbringing the mother turns around and goes oh grandpa you shouldn't have that money was for your tobacco how do you remember like quotes from us i just remember the only bit i really like really stuck with me i was like don't spend your money on chocolate for the boy you're supposed to be smoking grandpa

different times it's your only pleasure is smoking in bed with the other four with the other three grandparents doesn't sound like a bad life and I just thought that was amazing but yeah

I like it but I mean you know his sacrifice got Charlie into the factory but he is a it but I mean you know his sacrifice got Charlie into the factory but he is a weird character I mean he's the last person you'd want your kid hanging out with and if he said now I'm gonna give you the whole factory like this is like it's the alarm bells it's to Michael Jackson isn't it yeah it's a little suspect and licking the memory him licking the walls and the walls tasted of things and And I don't know, it was just,

it was one of those movies where it's aimed at kids, but it tormented me for years. I remember running out of the house and everything. I remember my mum had to come and get me. I was down the end of the garden crying. But I think when we were young, there was, stuff was just a bit weirder for kids, wasn't it? There's some like mad stuff going on.

And now it's like, there's, you know, my son watches some crazy shit as well like there's this thing on netflix where all the characters are bread or cakes like and they run a barber shop so there's a loaf of there's like a slice of toast and he's he's a barber and like that's fucking mad but i mean it's not scary it's just weird you know it's just how do adults come up with this stuff they must be on assets they must go do acid at the weekends and do brainstorms they must i think so or like my colleague of mine who's convinced it's just there's some kind of huge google algorithm and they just plug in loads of ideas and it spits out shit and they're like yeah fine that'll do like

toast barbershop fine you know but it's not chilling that's the main thing when i was a kid i remember there was a show it was australian or new zealand australian called around the twist yes do you remember it and he lived in a lighthouse and there was all this weird stuff happening and again one of the episodes that stuck out for me so much was one girl and under her clothes she had she was covered in fingernails oh that is weird again the tryphobia kicked in

I was like oh god and I think the end of it was she was turning into a mermaid but she was covered in fingernails fingernails

all over her body that's not what mermaids are made of I know yeah that's true actually maybe I'm confusing two episodes yeah because it wasn't scales it was fingernails like what mermaids are made of. I know, yeah. That's true, actually. Maybe I'm confusing two episodes.

Yeah, because it wasn't scales. It was fingernails. Like the mermaid that no little girl wanted to be friends with. Yeah. No one wanted that little mermaid toy. The fingernail one. Disgusting. With a bad aerial.

Yeah. Great show, though. Like, again, it was a great show. It was better than Pugwall. At least there was decent stuff happening. Oh, Pugwall was dreadful, wasn't it? Yeah, that was really bad. I fancied him.

He was my first, like, imaginary boyfriend. As in, like, sorry, my first relationship where he didn't know he was in one with me. I had several of them, but he was my first. Fair enough. Okay, well, good choices again. Very strong. Now, Joanne, finally, the island is overrun

by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Oh, my God. Oh, well, bats are very unpopular at the moment, aren't they? Yeah. So maybe bats. I don't really mind rats, to be honest. No, I haven't got a problem with them too much.

No, I think in the right light, they can look quite sweet. Yeah, I would say bats, because you don't know when they're going to come and they kind of like come down they kind of they hang upside down have you ever seen a bat's face up close i saw footage somewhere recently of like this huge bat like he was the size of an eight-year-old boy with a huge wingspan and all like there's something weird going on i think bats they're planning some sort of takeover it doesn't make sense as well like upside how how did you decide on upside down sleeping how does that make sense how how do you how do you not pass out how why aren't you fainting

they're very ugly they're all leathery looking they make weird noises i don't know they seem to be trying to eradicate the human race they're the biggest dick of the animal planet if you ask me i was uh in australia once and this friend of mine uh in someone's garden and there was this huge fruit bat hanging upside down because they're quite common there like in places like sydney you get loads like every night you see him across the sky there's this huge like migration at night like thousands of them and it's really it reminds me there's a bit in indiana jones in the temple of doom where that happens so it always reminds me of that. But anyway, he was in this garden and there's this bat hanging off the tree. So he goes to take a picture of it because, you know, we're from England.

This is unusual. Yeah. And the flash startled the bat and it jumped on him. And he was only wearing shorts. He had no top on. So it was just, he had this funny photo of this huge fruit bat sort of hanging off his leg. But then, you know, obviously everyone's taking more pictures of it. it and it gets stressed out so it's trying to like climb up him and he's like how do I get this bat I'm like what do I even do with it it's not like you can't be freaked

with a bird you could kind of shoo it and it'll flap off but it's kind of you know because it's a mammal it's like a it's like a big it's almost like a flying rodent yeah it's like how do I shake this thing off it's like a dog when we were in um again i when i i was in australia for work last year jesus it feels like 20 years ago now and uh what are those little animals you might know them or maybe i'll google it where they've the little tiny eyes and there's loads of them in australia possums possums boom jesus dan you know everything so this lad that I've been gigging with told me that the night before

he was standing in, like, a park in Adelaide and this possum thought he was a tree and ran towards him at great speed because he's obviously running away from something and climbed up him and, like, latched onto his face. Oh, no. I know. And if they do that, that means you're their mother

and you have to stay with them forever to breastfeed them down for the rest of your life i think as well with bats as well they're only going to come out at night so it's going to be when you know like in the daytime where are they during the day upside down somewhere i guess i don't know but you're going to be in you know on the island sometimes you're like oh it's not so bad you know sunshine waves lapping at the beach but at night that's when all everything's going to get a bit dark and you're hungry and you're going to be on the island sometimes. You're like, oh, that's not so bad. You know, sunshine, waves lapping at the beach. But at night, that's when everything's going to get a bit dark and you're hungry and you're missing home. And that's when the animal comes out, isn't it?

I feel like they're growing in size. I feel like they have an agenda. And I just don't want to be a part of it. Fair enough. And, yeah, I mean, also, I mean, they're just synonymous with sort of bad vibes, aren't they, with like vampires and things like that. And they're very fast as well. Like they'll come very close to you and then just miss you.

So I think, yeah. I'd love a sloth. Okay. They've been picked before, fairly recently, as like the worst animal. What? So I'm glad we're covering all bases here. How is a sloth? A sloth is like the care bear of the animal world.

They're so cute and slow and like lazy. And I sometimes, if I'm trying to sleep, I'll watch videos of baby sloths getting fed. I love them. No, well, I like to have some vague balance on this podcast. So, you know, this is sort of undone some of the work. I think it was Jenny Ryan put sloths on. No, I would defend.

I would defend sloths, yeah. Like i would defend i would defend i would defend slots yeah i'd look like my dream would be to be on an island with like slots pugs um anything that looks that has that kind of incest face you know that like really like packed in on itself face i love that incest face is quite accurate yeah you know that they've been in triple bread and they can't breathe but they're still amazingly cute fair enough brilliant well joanne i think you've picked a lovely range of awful creatures and people and things for your island so it's a thoroughly inhospitable place and the job is done so thank you very much for coming on today where can we see or

hear more from you well so I'm on my way back to Ireland now to do a little mini tour over there as much as I can because I'm you know with the restrictions and stuff and I'll be back gigging in London from mid December lovely brilliant so we'll keep looking at you

sorry joannmcnallycomedy on Instagram and I have a website, joannemcnally.com which someone updates sometimes Perfect, well thank you again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today Thanks Dan