Desert Island Dicks - OLD DICKS - OMID DJALILI

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

For your listening pleasure! We're reposing this episode of Desert Island Dicks with Omid Djalili for you to enjoy. For our new listeners, we're going to be publishing a series of 'Old Dicks' - a round up of episodes you may have missed that we think you should hear, so sit back and enjoy. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus, here to present you with an old dick. That's what we're calling our retro episodes that we're kind of republishing. Because this is an episode with Omid Jalili, which we released last year.

But in the last episode of Compact Dicks, James's dad mentioned this episode with Omid, and it reminded me about how he tells an amazing story about how he got the blame for Brad Pitt splitting up with Jennifer Aniston. So it's well worth checking out just for that, although his other choices are very good as well. So we just thought, yeah, let's republish it so you can have another chance to listen to it in case you missed it the first time around.

Thank you to everyone who's downloaded this and thank you for listening. You're always welcome to get in touch at dixpod.com slash contact or on our socials at DixPod on Instagram and Twitter. And there, not only can you just get in touch with anything you're thinking or feeling you can also submit your choices for compact dicks that's where you can choose who and what you would like to put on a desert island if you were doing the podcast and we can include those in the next episode so do get in touch with us because well we couldn't do that show without you if you're enjoying this podcast then please do leave us a rating or a review it's always really helpful for us or just go and tell your friends as well that is also helpful that's it really i'll be back soon with another episode of compact dicks

with james and indeed an episode of desert island dicks with another great guest but now do enjoy some old dicks with omid jalili to clear, I'm calling this episode an old dick. That comment was in no way aimed at Omid. Thank you. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and actor Omid Jalili. How are you doing? Very well, looking forward to this. Good, good. Is ranting a particularly fond pastime of yours? It is. And do you know what? It's interesting.

I had a fabulous gig in Bury St. Edmunds recently. And one of my Twitter followers, who's very nice, who comes to the show, called Sam. And I recognize him in the front row, right front row. And I was saying, hey, Sam, because I like my regulars, my Twitter regulars. And then it was such a great show. And when I said, thank you very much, good night,

the crowd like stood up and then Sam did cry instead. Before the crowd gave me a standing ovation, Sam got up and was left and it was very awkward and was going through the front row as people started coming. I was going, where are you going? What are you doing? And I found it so disrespectful. And it's probably because Sam has, you know, maybe anxiety being in a crowd or they had a bus or a train to catch.

Maybe there's something, a very, very good reason why they were. But I just was in my dressing room saying, are you kidding me? What the hell is this bullshit, Sam? Are you kidding me? And I started tweeting because I said, what are you are you kidding me what the hell is this bullshit sam are you kidding me and i started tweeting because i said what are you doing and then i deleted everything i didn't send anything but i just was i get angry very quickly i know i know a lot of my family say for someone who looks so nice you get angry really quickly and it's interesting i i noticed this about the late sean lock his. His wife said to me, I said,

Sean was never on social media because we kept him off it because all the stuff that was on, we know he'd be on social media the whole time. He was so angry. He said, just tell us, don't publicise it to the world. So yeah, I think most comedians have this righteous indignation and it's very difficult to eke it out because no one wants to listen to us. But I've got a lot of rage in me of course i find myself these days because i'm sort of working from home most of the time i'm not commuting my anger is very much more localized

so it's you know whereas before it's like oh bloody commuters or people just stopping in the middle of the platform i don't have any external stuff so it's very much you know about the bins or like local things or someone putting litter on my front lawn and stuff it's become very kind of like local and mundane my sort of rage yeah i actually you know i found it quite refreshing i got upset with um bbc persia recently who um i'd given them i delivered a show in the persian language and um they suddenly said they wanted to cut five minutes from it. And I said, well, I don't mind, cut what you like, but let's discuss it. And then they just cut it.

And they honestly just, it was like I'd given them a lovely meal and they just gave it back with dog turd in it. And I just went nuts. And I was so happy because I was so, they said, don't be upset. I said, what do you mean don't be upset? Of course I'm going to be upset. And I loved being upset about something I cared that wasn't Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the war.

Because there's so much going on that upsets you. But I was so glad it was something that meant so much to me. So I'm in a massive battle right now to save my show. Because I realized that the one thing I'm really protective of is comedy my comedy when people try and take your comedy and shit on it and that that's the one thing that I will not take and that's the one thing on people so don't be upset of course don't be upset I'm gonna be up I'm gonna be upset this is my work and you're just trashing it so it's actually very refreshing to be upset about something that actually belongs to me

and not just external things. Okay, great. Well, I've got a feeling you're going to be superb at this podcast. So we can dive right in and start choosing dicks, I think. Who's going to be the first person joining you on this island today, Omid? Well, I think we should talk about when we talk about people who if you're in a plane crash or a boat crash if i'm if i'm on if i'm on a plane and let's say we want to put in nigel farage if i was to see nigel farage even getting on a plane i wouldn't

get on that plane so i can't really say for, if it was Farage, Katie Hopkins, Andrew Pierce, the people who really wind me up, if I was to see them all getting on a plane or I just wouldn't get on the plane, I just wouldn't do it. So, so the people I've chosen are people who I really like, but who can be really annoying. So the first person is David Baddiel. I'll put in my good mate david baddiel

who i love but he can be slightly annoying and i think he's someone i probably would be on a plane with he's someone i probably would be on a long boat ride with and if we crash and if i was to be with him part of me would think well he's a mate it's okay but a part of me knows from the history between the two of us he will annoy the hell out of me okay so for the rest of us that don't have uh you know we don't have that much knowledge you know i only know david from what i've seen of him on tv and the press and things like that what are his traits that wind you up okay the first thing about david Baddiel you should know is on social media, he's always taking photographs of his breakfasts. And I find that, I don't know why, and he does it.

I said, why do you do this? He goes, it gets lots of likes and lots of traffic and people talk and they love discussing sausages and, you know, like the proportions of the amount of hash browns you have. People say, oh, two hash browns, that's too much. Oh, two sausages and one streak of bacon, it doesn't make sense. So lots of nonsensical discussion. But if I was on a desert island with him and he's like,

wants to take a picture and there's a three-month-old rotting seagull, I say, what are you doing? Because I'm taking a picture. It's my breakfast. I say, I don't want to see a rotting seagull no one cares about taking pictures of like rotting melons and things, so that would really wind me up

that he always has to take pictures I mean you could say if you're on a desert island you've got access to social media you wouldn't be on a desert island but the obsession he has with telling the truth as well is something that really annoys me. Now, he always says I'm very truthful.

He refers to himself as someone who's almost autistic about the truth. He will not lie. And it's okay if it's about yourself. But when it's about other people, it's like it's impossible for him to come around. And then, you know, if we wants to find if my wife wants to find out where i've got my secret stash of food he'll always do does he have a secret stash yes he has but he didn't lie about it don't don't tell her is that the clothes basket i'll say yeah he goes is that where you leave your donuts and then david will go yes he does and he eats them at midnight

i said well who's asking you no i don't want you around my shoulder. So he has this thing where, I don't know if he sets it up so people take him more seriously, but he's always going on about how he has to be truthful and he can't tell lies. And I always find that's something very suspect when people do that. Yeah. Yeah. I have it with my mum sometimes. I, you know, I'll sort of give her a book for Christmas or something she's like yeah I don't really like this author that much I'm like mum it's okay to lie to me I know that you're my mother and for most of our lives it's been good you know but in this instance I'm happy for you to lie to my face as my mum yeah I want people to lie I remember there's a lovely guy you know Adam Hills Adam Hills does the the last leg and um really good stand-up and

I go to his shows big fan of of his, go and watch his shows. And he always ruined it for me. He'd always tell like a story. His shows were basically what had happened to him during the year. And then 9-11 happened. And so he told a five-minute bit about how he was on a plane with someone and it was all that. And then, fine, there's interesting jokes in there.

And then he'd always ruin it by saying, by the way, everything I've just said to you right now, it's all true. And the crowd would go, whoa, wow. I said, excuse me, I could tell it was all true. It's nothing completely outlandish. It's just a few things you've said and you've made some jokes about it.

You know, make up some stand-up that's a lie be really creative like you know like in Larry David when he's waiting for he's waiting for um Ted Danson to ring him to say that he doesn't want him to come to the Paul Simon concert he goes he goes just call us and lie don't make us silly like schmucks to just lie to me put me out of my misery and I think there is something to be said for creative lying. I like when my stand-up, 90% of it is creative lying. I'll do a whole routine. And I noticed the other person who does that is Stuart Lee.

Stuart Lee will tell a long story and you think, wow, is this true? Then he'll just say, and that was all completely made up. And I'll stand, I'll give him a standing ovation because he sat there and he's thought about it and he's written a routine for our comedic entertainment so I don't think when you're an entertainer or a stand-up the truth should be something that you hold on to it's not that it's not the truth is not that interesting to me like tell me some lies tell me something outlandish make some shit up to make me laugh until I shit myself. That's what I want. I don't want people to say, oh, everything I said was true.

Well, I could tell, Schmuck. It wasn't even that funny. It's true. Of course it was true. It was all based in some kind of reality, but it wasn't that interesting. I'll have you know. So, yes.

So people who tell the truth all the time annoy me. You can tell I'm actually getting really wound up now. No, it's good. I think, yeah, I mean, you know, putting this on a desert island scenario as well, I mean, in order to keep the peace, you need to sort of lie a bit and sort of gloss over things. And I mean, just to sort of get along, you know,

you don't want to be sort of going, God, you know, you're starting to look really rough now. You know, you want to just sort of jolly things along. And, you know, if that means bending the truth a little bit, I think, you think you know it's important if you've got someone who can't do that at all it's going to be a tricky atmosphere yeah but we knew this in life in general you you choose your kind of what you call the joker in the pack the the joker card which is people who will always be truthful with you and i think that those people are very very few and far between like if you do a stand-up that is a comedian i between. Like if you do a standup,

that is a comedian. I do like it when we do a new material night, you know, and I, when I first came in from acting and to stand up comedian to stand up comedy, and I was always shocked where a comedian would watch you do new material and go,

yeah, that was good. Middle bit was a bit crap. I don't think you should end with that line. Have you thought about this? But that opening line was terrible. I just cut that. And you know, the actor in me was like, Oh my God, you should end with that line. Have you thought about this? But that opening line was terrible. I just cut that.

And, you know, the actor in me was like, oh, my God, you're being so truthful. Because we're so used to, you know, in acting, even if you've seen a shit performance, you go, oh, well done. You've done it again. You were amazing. So people in the theatre world lie a lot because they can't be bothered to tell the truth. But you do have people who do that.

And David Baddiel is actually one of those people in my life who's very truthful. And I, in a sense, I invest my relationship with him to be truthful with me. And I like that. So that's the one good thing that if I'm looking rough or if he says, Omid, I don't think you're eating enough. I know that would be a lie.

That would be a good lie. But I think that he's someone who I think at certain points it would be useful to have him around, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, useful in the sense that things can be character building, but not that pleasant at the time, perhaps. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Okay, well, who's going to be the second person joining you?

The second person I would have in there would be brad pitt for a number of reasons brad pitt is he's someone let's say if you're on a desert island and a female person shows up that's it there's no chance of late night cuddles there's no that's it's finished even if i was with david baddiel david bill want to cuddle with him and not me, you know, people would choose bad pit because he's so physically, he's so physically aesthetically pleasing. And he's also someone who, he's an interesting person. Actually,

I got to, I got to spend time with him when I did a film called spy game. And he was annoying only in the sense that he was unrelentingly polite that was a thing he was so polite he kept calling me sir he said what you calling me sir for you're older than me and he just got married just got married to jennifer aniston and he kept asking me about my being married for about eight years he kept saying what's marriage like and and i said to me you know you know marriage usually there's a little framework it goes in three stages stage one is there's a love stage everything you see about that person you love and then after about a year you fall into stage two where

everything you liked about that person now you find really irritating and this stage can last a year can last 10 years a lot of people get divorced actually they'll never get out of stage two but if you get into stage three, if you fight through, you start having better conflict resolution. You understand each other. But you've got to get through that difficult stage two. And his phone rang. And he goes, sorry, it's Jennifer.

I've got to take it. And he went away. And I could hear him. We were doing a car scene together. So they let him talk to Jennifer for 10 minutes. He was pacing. I could see him. He was pacing up and down. He looked like he was being polite then he went ashen faced then i could see

him getting angry then he got back in the car i said everything all right because i think i've just moved into stage two and it was quite funny it was quite funny that he said that because it was the first joke he made and then stupidly just as a postscript time about eight years later this is now like 2008 there was a journalist a regional journalist in cardiff said have you got any showbiz stories i said no i'll never kiss and tell because you gotta have one so i just told her this little story about you know brad pitt and jennifer aniston and she was like that's a great story and i forgot about it and then a week later I got a phone call from my agent in America. He goes, what the hell have you done?

What the hell have you done? I said, what? What are you talking about? Look on the TMZ website. I said, what are you talking about? So I went on the TMZ website, and there was this headline saying, British comedian admits to breaking up Brad and Jen. And there was a photograph ripped.

We've got Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anderson. And in the middle, there was a really jowly photograph of me with a microphone telling this same story I've just told you. And everyone was upset. And I was glad that they were upset. I'm glad that Brad Pitt was upset because he just seemed unrelentingly nice and unrelentingly polite. And I think when you're on a desert island, you would like to think that those guards would be down, but I don't think

he would. I think a lot of people who are into Hollywood, they have this thing where they never want to show their vulnerable side because they think someone's, there's some camera far away is zooming in on them. So I would find that if people were just polite with me the whole time, it would just drive me crazy. That's amazing. Yeah, it's interesting. Brad Pitt, I don't really have any idea what he would be like, and that sort of fits with what you've said.

Yeah, he doesn't really know much. He never gives anything away. I know that when I worked with him on this film called Spy Game, he never really said his lines he used to feel the lines and that kind of gave me bad habits because I'm also like now I don't want to say the lines

maybe I can feel the lines I remember Robert Redford was there he goes God this guy irritates me just say the goddamn lines why do you have to like play around with it and I think this influenced me really badly because I did Sean, the sheep, the movie,

which is where I played any human character. You, you don't speak words. You do. You have to do. I was the voice of Trump, which is a human being. And the voice I give is what the,

what's what the sheep here. So it's voice interpretation. So if my character's saying, oi, you, get in there, you have to say it the way a sheep hears it, which is, oi, yeah, yeah. Oi, yeah, yeah. And I was improvising. I thought this was great. I'm improvising.

And then they say in the booth, it goes, Omi, can you just hear, just give us a hmm. And I go, eh. They're like, no, no, just a hmm. And I go, hey. They went, no, no, no, give us a hmm and i go they went no no just a hmm and i go they went no no give us a simple hmm and i said i don't think my character would do that and they said we just want to hmm i said i can't do hmm he wouldn't just go hmm they said do you want to take five minutes i went yeah i will and i took off my headphones and i walked away and i came back i went hmm right are you happy now it's's because of Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt totally influenced me to, like, improvise around stupid noises.

So I do know he was irritating to Robert Redford as well. That's amazing. I don't know if we've ever had quite such insight into such high-level actors as on this podcast, so this is great stuff. You mentioned his physical appearance, obviously, on an island. actors as on this podcast so this is this is great stuff but um you mentioned this sort of physic you know his physical appearance obviously on an island he obviously keeps himself in shape i wonder if part of that comes from being quite particular and fussy and sort of having a trainer and stuff i wonder if that'd be quite maybe that'd be the thing that would cause him to snap you know

when you sort of he'd be really excited about all the coconut water for example but then you know after a while he you know this isn't really working with my diet what i'm supposed to be eating and i might kind of great after a little while i think that if you're on a desert island you would like to think that we would all veg out together and realize that the life is now over and existence as we know it is futile so So you'd like to at least sit down and connect with people. I think that's what you want. And if you see someone who's so physically perfect, they have to put in a lot of work. I mean, I know Gloria from Modern Family just looks at her own body because you think this just is like this. I have to work hard to look like this. And they do. People who have amazing bodies are in the gym every day, three, four hours a day. They really take care with what they eat. I wish I could be like that.

My personal feeling is you live once and you've got to enjoy. I love star bars. I will eat the star bar. I'll eat anything. But I think people like that will be irritating because they will put themselves first. It's always about their schedule. They do not have to put in my workout time. I've got to sit down and meditate. And when you're around people who place themselves first, I find that very difficult. I like people who are a bit more service orientated. And that's one thing I will say about David Baddiel.

He will think about other people. And I just get the feeling that Brad Pitt would be very into himself into his own routines so I would have to like would you believe I'd have to book an appointment to like have some guy time with him so I think that that's the kind of thing that would really irritate me yeah fair enough fair enough yeah I mean I think anyone that you can't just sort of just knock about with and have a laugh with straight away is going to be I mean eventually he might let his guard down but just having to sort of like slowly kind of let him kind of get him out of himself you know just be something you don't need okay so i mean this is this is strong

already i mean there's a lot of people for whom this would be quite an ideal place to spend a lot of time i think if you're you're you're hateful island but um fun. Who's going to be the third person joining you? The third person I'll put in is Ricky Grover. I don't know if you know Ricky Grover. Ricky Grover is a comedian. He's a very funny comedian. He's like me, overweight. He'll do jokes like, you know,

my wife says let's go upstairs and have sex. So you've got to choose one. I can't do the both, love. He is very funny. And he comes from a kind of murky gangsterish background. And like I said, he's someone I love dearly. But I'm also, I would be fearful to be alone with him because there are some great qualities.

Ricky Grover would keep you warm at night. He's big, he'd cuddle. He always wants a little cuddle. Come along with a little cuddle. He's also someone who you'd feel safe around because, you know, he has, like I said, this murky gangster past and he actually will – he knows ways to – you know, we talk about demilitarizing countries. He knows how to disable human beings with one touch.

He will say there's a bit in the elbow here if you squeeze someone and put your middle finger there hard it disables people and they get shocked so he has the dark arts about him so if there's a wild boar i'll send ricky ricky would probably kill him and eat it. So, but there's something about him as well, which is unnerving. There's something about him that while you love him, you don't know if he'll want to kill and eat you as well. And to be around that energy, to be worried about offending someone that much is something I would find so difficult.

To walk on eggshells around someone like that would be so stressful. He famously punched a comedian in the face. There was a guy called Ian Cognito, who's no longer with us, who had come to the Edinburgh Festival, and he'd said something disrespectful about Ricky's wife. And Ricky said, no, I know you don't mean that. I'm going to ask you to take it back. He goes, no, Ricky, I'm not going to take it back.

Your wife is a this and this. He goes, I've given you one warning. I'm going to give you one more warning. Do not say that. Take it back. He goes, no, I won't. And your wife is that. And before he said it, Ricky knocked him out with one punch and broke his jaw.

And he went back to London because he couldn't finish the Edinburgh Festival. So he is someone who can disable you with one punch. And David Baddiel, I think I could take. I think Brad Pitt, I think it's all cosmetic with him. He looks great, but you know, one punch should be down like a plank. But I think Ricky's the one person where I know I couldn't take him. He has the dark arts. And if things get down to the bare bones, and it's just me and him, I think he would eat me and he would survive. I don't think I could survive with him. I think, I mean, knowing what he looks like and his appearance, and even just hearing you doing an impression of him, being warned twice not to take something

back about his wife, I'd be terrified in that situation he has that that sort of brooding intensity doesn't he that kind of speaks of real life experience oh my god i can let me just tell you a couple of stories but one story i can tell you he was at a comedy club and um we were on it it was hard it was a headliners and chiswick i don't know what happened he kept looking at this one bloke i think he's a skinhead and he goes no no no no you don't mean that and i think there was a black woman who he had said something about. He goes, no, mate, sorry, you got to go. You got to go. And he went into the crowd and he picked this bloke up who started struggling, like, get off me, you got to go. And it was like a snake that grabs

his creature and just, he just literally put him on his feet and had his hands, one hand on his neck, one hand on his shoulder, and literally lifted him up. And you know how those games you play, like you're a dad, you put your kid on your feet and you walk. He literally walked this person, and this person's walking backwards with him and has been somehow disabled, and he threw him out. And he came back and he just went sorry about that where were we and he carried on telling jokes i mean he literally can do i've seen it i've there was once let me tell you this story about ricky this is this is this is why my if i'm nervous about him i have every reason to be nervous in 2002 we have the same management company we went to the edinburgh festival the same time, there was a show called Jerry Springer,

the opera, which was written by Stuart Lee. And what they had in the Edinburgh Festival, there was a little bubble that just said, Jerry, Jerry. And what they did, their company, I won't mention their name, they put this bubble on other posters. Like they put it on my poster. Like, I mean, it's quite harmless, but there's like, I'm saying, like see on me,

Jalili at this thing, but there's also Jerry, Jerry. And they stupidly put this Jerry, Jerry bubble over Ricky's face, which is what you don't do. And I remember him saying to me, who are these people? That's out of order.

I said, yes, Jerry Springer, the opera, he goes, what gives them the right to do this? They can't put it on my face now they're gonna have to either take these peel them off give me the money for you know disfigured posters that have been defaced or replace every poster and he said that very calmly and as a joke i said well you can see them tonight because we're all going to the bbc bbc party because do who they are? I go, yeah, I know who they are. See that bloke over there and that bloke there? That's them.

They're the ones putting it up. He goes, he went, thank you, Omid. I really appreciate it. And then I got to the party in the evening. My manager, who's taking care of us, he goes, quick, quick, you've got to come in. Ricky's got the bloke from Jerry Springer. You've got to come. And I said, where, where, where?

And it was like the BBC party. There was music. It was quite dark. And I just saw a gaggle of blokes in the corner. There was like a group of men standing around. So I went to have a look. And in the middle, Ricky Grover had got this bloke, who I understand now to be one of the heads of this big production company.

He had him by the lapels face to face. And he just was saying, so what's it going to be? Are you going to replace them? Give me my money or peel them off. And they were going, yes, Mr. Grover, I understand. We'll take them all off. So he goes, no, I want written confirmation. He goes, my secretary will have it written for you in the morning

and it'll be gone. And he literally had him. And there was a group of people around him so nobody could see now i don't know who those people were maybe they were his kind of cronies who just like donut around so nobody could see it so the party's not um disturbed but ricky had grabbed this person taking him over and had a little word and that that's the thing he says, do you know what? Sometimes you've got to give people a little word, or even worse, he'd say, sometimes you've got to take him for a little drive around Ebony Forest.

And that was the thing. He goes, I've taken him for a little drive. And that's the thing, Ricky. Now, if your inner's in a circle, it's all right. But when someone and a comedian says, I might have to take him for a little drive, you know he's serious wow wow yeah being taken for a little walk around the island by ricky would be terrifying i mean it takes a scary sort of person doesn't it because i mean if i adopted everything

he did it just would have no effect at all you know like i'll go i'm gonna have a word with you politely and i'm gonna give you the opportunity to take that back people just go fuck off mate yeah fair enough i've got nothing i can't back that up just imagine if i was a really massive like cockney yeah is that is that working for you no okay i'll write a stern email well he's given me tips and i and i've never really done them but the definitely the elbow trick if you very calmly grab someone like you're being friendly goes hello mate my name my name is omid and just just squeeze them in the elbow because they don't know what's happened they're seeing a smile they're seeing the pain they're feeling pain that kind of thing i can see can work and because if you're in those circles and

always trying to find somewhere it's interesting to hear people talk like that from a masculine point of view look i don't want to promote toxic masculinity but i do know that people who have those things can like i said to him do you use that because oh yeah yeah sometimes because of some bloke you know he directed my film and he goes i won't have it he's got to leave the business because i had a word with him he just he just felt his elbow because now you're going to leave the business for five years you've you've really messed up my film and you're not allowed to direct for the next five years until you've already had a little think and talk to yourself about what i've done wrong and just realize i can't do that again i'm going to give you five years and i go yeah yes mr grover it's amazing how they just get

compliance immediately i love it wow wow It's amazing how they just get compliance immediately. I love it. Wow. Wow. That's amazing. I mean, just imagining someone like Brad Pitt, as you've described him, how he's going to interact with someone like Ricky

is quite an interesting idea. It's quite a clash of worlds. So that in itself is going to be a fascinating project, let's say. Yes. I don't think we would hate each other. I think it would be an interesting time if we just set aside the things that make us irritating. So if David doesn't keep taking pictures of his breakfast and Brad doesn't,

you know, work out all the time and Ricky doesn't threaten us, I think it could be an interesting time and a way of three guys really connecting. I can see Ricky Grover getting on very well with Brad Pitt though. I think that's the thing because when people are such opposites, I don't know if you've brought friends together who are such opposites. They usually get on. It's interesting.

I've had friends. I've had friends who are like, you know, really, you would never, never think there was one guy. They loved him. There was one guy who was a film extra who was so different and weird. And I brought him to a dinner once where it was like people like Jenny Eclair

and Griff Rhys-Jones were there. And this bloke was like, you know, he was a Pakistani Muslim, he was born and raised. He was born and raised. And they were just fascinated by him. And Jenny Eclair had just been burgled. She goes, I hate burglars.

Burglars are awful. I think we should bring back capital punishment to hang burglars. And this guy was smoking going, I wouldn't give burglars a bad rap. Do you know what I'm saying? Because I'm a burglar. And I don't mean anything wrong. He goes, what do you mean you're a burglar? He goes, no, listen, I'm a burglar, but I'm a Muslim as well.

So I'm a Muslim burglar. A Muslim, no, listen, I'm a burglar, but I'm a Muslim as well. So I'm a Muslim burglar. A Muslim burglar, how does that work? He goes, well, I don't burgle strangers. I burgle my mates because Allah wouldn't like it. Allah would not like it if you steal something of sentimental value. So I went in as a mate

of mine, Australian geezer, works at the pub. I've been round his house. I know what he likes. I know what he don't like. So I put the balaclava on, burgled his house. I took the cutlery and a couple of vases, but I left the Persian carpet because his girlfriend gave it to him. It's all right because he's a mate.

She goes, he's a mate. Is he a mate now? We went, we've sort of drifted apart over the years. He couldn't be more different from the showbiz set. we've sort of drifted apart over the years. And they, he was, couldn't be more different from the showbiz set, but they absolutely loved him. So sometimes Ricky Grover and Brad Pitt would actually be quite a good

match. Amazing. Amazing. Well, unfortunately we'll never know how, how it pans out, but you know, if we do find yourself in this scenario,

maybe you can get a message in the bottle back to us. I will send you up to the reports you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, well, on from the people then. Mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad for me my worst food my

worst nightmare would be really hot curries because that's the thing i even did a documentary about the chili because the chili is actually if it's used wisely it's very good for you the chili is very high in vitamin c if you have a little bit of chili every day it actually keeps colds away people put it in curries in india and Pakistan. They don't usually get flu actually, because the amount of vitamin C they have is very high. But I don't understand people who do chili challenges, curries, because I did a, for the show, I had to do a competition and it was so awful. When you eat it, you feel like you've eaten the sun. And it's amazing how quickly it shoots through you. So I did it for

the first time, I went straight to the toilet 20 minutes later. And the head of a toy soldier that I had swallowed in 1973 popped out. I remember seeing, I said, what is that? Something shot out of me that I'd swallowed as a child. And it was the head of a toy soldier that had been stuck in my intestines. So actually, in that sense, you know, they say a great diet is to eat as much as you can and then blow it out your ass. Actually, chilies, it does blow things out your ass that have been stuck in your appendix, stuck in your intestines for many, many years. But I don't understand that food. And it's no excuse if they have it on a plane. So if there's all this plane food that is really, really hot,

I just find it impossible to eat. And then there'll be nothing there to cool your mouth down. It literally will take, sometimes if you don't, the taste stays in your mouth up to an hour and it burns your intestine. So that's my absolute worst truth i can't stand really really hot curries yeah there seems to be a real sort of fad these days like if you're on youtube there's you know you can find sort of chili eating contests and like people sort of going on what's the spiciest sauce and i've made one that's five times as spicy

as the last one and you know i like curries you know i have a fairly okay tolerance for spicy food but you know i like it to be spicy within my tolerance i don't want it to sort of hamper the enjoyment of a food you know so it's i don't understand when it's all just like a big bet or something you know someone's going oh well you want to try this sauce then no i don't because it's obviously not it's not going to taste of anything it's just going to be fucking unpleasant it's so unpleasant and that's the thing there taste of anything. It's just going to be fucking unpleasant. It's so unpleasant. And that's the thing. There is an element of it, which is machismo.

Because you never see women trying to do it. It's all men. Part of the documentary, we go into this restaurant in Cannock in the Midlands. And they put this capsaicin into a hot frying pan. And the smoke that comes, the gas and fumes that go into the restaurant. Everyone ran out. They ran out. And I went back in with a face mask because there was one bloke still sat there. And I said, don't you feel this thing is now?

I said, why are you doing this? He went, it's a challenge, isn't it? It's a challenge. You know, it made me laugh. This big fat bald bloke, he was so destroyed that the only challenge left in his life was just to try and eat the kind of food no one else could tolerate so I don't see the point of it

and although I do understand there are some health benefits to it but like everything else there has to be moderation yeah yeah and also I mean imagine a curry from a plane that's also too spicy so it won't taste of anything it'll just be spice in like tiny little containers. So it'll just be incredibly unsatisfying.

And you always feel awful afterwards. If there's really bad plane food, you can really feel it. It's bad enough being in a cylinder and taking in the air of 300 other people. But when you eat that food, you just feel sick. I'm very lucky that I take this green tea. I drink green tea every day just to flush my system. It's like having a colonic every day. It's incredible.

But whenever I've had that and I feel I've had to eat something, you might as well put wood in your stomach. But food is so important. If anyone learns anything from this podcast, I think they should know food is you are what you eat. And actually, the more healthier I've been eating and the more higher quality produce, you find that your skin gets,

I'm in my mid-50s, but they tell me I've got the skin of a 30-year-old man is because I'm eating better produce. And what can actually kill you is pesticides. Like always when people give me like seedless grapes and they go, they're washed. I said, no, you've got to wash them a bit more because the pesticide will kill you. So when you put bad things in you it can make you feel awful and it actually

will kill you so make sure you eat good produce and you clean the produce so that's a that's my little educational thing i mean people can learn something from this yeah well no it's a good tip it's a good tip and yeah putting bad things in you doesn't come much worse than overly spiced plain food, I think. So I think that's a good choice. What would you attempt to wash it down with, Omid? What would your drink choice be? I was given whiskey when I was a young kid by my dad because he wanted me to be put off.

My dad used to drink, but he just didn't want his sons to drink. So from the age of two and three, he used to give me, I thought, what is this? So I've had this real aversion to alcohol. But I have realized that when someone puts something in my drink once, when I tasted it, I thought, what's this? And I'm a big bloke, but it really gets you tipsy. I've never really been drunk, but people say, no, you were, because we put drink in your Coke, and there was some rum they put in there. I didn't really notice it, but I remember feeling it affected me very quickly.

And I was a very funny drunk, I must say. People say, you're hilarious. There are some people who become boring drunks and I don't drink, but apparently I'm very funny. It's happened to me twice. And friends of mine say, you are. They're always plotting to try and get me drunk because apparently I'm hysterical

when I'm a little bit tipsy. So, and I worry about that because I'm already very entertaining. I go on stage and, you know, you need a big energy to do like a 90 minute stand-up comedy show.

And I think drink would ruin that. So I don't drink anyway. I don't drink for many reasons. And I don't like the taste. For me, if we were stuck on a desert island and there was nothing but whiskey and vodka, it would be an absolute hell.

But I would not drink it because I know it would dehydrate me and it would kill me quicker. In fact, I have to tell you, they did an experiment when it comes to drink and drugs. This is a quite interesting thing I got from Johan Hari's book, which is about mammals. They put like a rat in a cage and they gave it two bottles, one bottle with water, the other bottle laced with cocaine. So the rats alone, and he kept drinking the water with cocaine. So after a while,

he became dependent on that particular bottle and it died. Then they did, it died after about 48 hours. Then they did another experiment with 15 rats and they put it in a big cage with lots of hay, tubes, running wheels. And they put the two bottles, one with water, one with cocaine. And it was interesting that while they were together, they never even touched the water bottle with cocaine. And it shows that we are, we're communal animals. We want to be with other people. And once we do that, then we have no longer reliance on drink and drugs. And that's why your podcast is so interesting to me, because when it comes to drink and food, those things will

become less important if you connect with the other people. Now, what you've set up here is that you connect with people that you can't stand. But I think the other people. Now, what you've set up here is that you connect with people that you can't stand. But I think the point of this podcast is that even if you hate these people, even if I was on with people who I don't like, like Nigel Farage or Tory boy, Pierce, or what the guy is, you would have to break through and you'd have to try and connect with those people because we're human beings and we will connect.

And I think that's what your podcast is about that even if you hate someone you can still connect with them and i think that's a very important thing you guys are doing yeah definitely and i think i mean the good thing is as well about this and that study is it means that if you did become a raging alcoholic on the island you could always blame the others because you could say well you're not enriching my life enough really that's true because you've allowed me to become this driving me to drink yeah exactly yeah so you know you've got a nice a nice uh scapegoat there so that's good as well that's a clever add-on very good okay omid now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Least favourite film. And that's a difficult one for me because I'm a huge fan of film. I only watch films that I like. If I don't like a film, and these days with Netflix,

you can, you know, if you look at my Netflix, it's things that I've watched, I've bailed after two minutes, three minutes. I bailed from one film after 40 seconds. So I'm not the kind of person who, if I don't like the opening credits or if I don't like it, I'm off. But I'm going to choose a film which has now become my least favourite film because when I saw it in the cinema when I was 20 years old, it affected me so much I had to be helped out the cinema

because it was so – it affected me. And that film was Aliens, the sequel to Alien, which was the Ridley Scott film. James Cameron did Aliens. And I was so anticipating and waiting for Aliens. Once Alien hit in 78, all throughout the early 80s, we heard they were doing a sequel. And it eventually came out in 1986.

So I wasted eight years for this film. And it affected me so much where there's a dream sequence where Sigourney Weaver believes that the alien is in her stomach and it starts coming out. And I remember watching this going, oh, my God, the lead actress is going to die. And then you realize it was just a dream. She thought it was coming in here. And the film kind of held me at that heightened tension all throughout. And then when it finished, I had to be carried out.

It was an action movie. It really affected me. Now, the reason why it's become my least favorite film is because if I'm channel flicking and I come across it, I have to watch it. Even if I haven't got time, even if I've got to go out somewhere,

I thought I'll just watch the news for a minute. You know, I'm sick and tired of the news. Let's just flip. And even if aliens is showing like, I've got to go out to a gig, it's showing at 6.30, wherever it is,

I have to watch it to the end because it fills me with such emotions. And it's annoying. Like people say, aren't you supposed to be on stage? Give me one second. I just want to watch the end of this. And there's something about that film

that just, it's hooked me that even now we're talking, my goodness, that film is over, nearly 40 years old, that film, but it's, it, I can't not watch it. That's the thing. And I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way I know every word of that film and I don't know why I have to watch it. There's something in it. I haven't worked out. It irritates me because there must be psychologically a reason why I watch it.

I don't get anything out of watching it, but I just feel I have to watch it. And it irritates me. I thought, oh God, I should just go on and don't watch it. And I know it's a weird one because I don't hate the movie, but I hate the fact that I'm so drawn to it and have to watch it from wherever. And it also irritates me that the people in it, I've met some of the people in it. Like Paul Reiser plays Burke.

I don't know if you know the film. He's the company man. And he was 28. He was a stand-up comedian at the time. And I've become very close. He's a good showbiz friend of mine. I did his television series. And I remember when he wanted to meet me, he goes,

let's Skype. And if you remember in aliens, it's the first time we saw Skype. It's the very first time. And it's, it's, it's very interesting that we see in the movie when Sigourney Weaver decides to go out to this planet. She,

she Skypes Burke and Burke wakes up and she goes, so this is to go and kill, right? Not to bring back and study. He goes, absolutely right. And so when we did this Skype, he goes, Hey, I mean, it's Paul. And I went, Paul, I just want to be clear this project. We're going to go to the planet and kill. We're not going to bring it back to study. And he went, excuse me, what?

He hadn't, he had no clue and then he goes aliens he goes what about it he goes well that's the first time and we saw skype was and he had no clue he'd had no idea he goes you know what i've got very sketchy memories of that movie i said i said what it's because he was 28 and i was more i was worried about my stand-up career and i was trying to get a sitcom off the ground and i remember just being irritated and and we were in England and it was cold and I didn't like it. And I've actually kind of blocked a lot of that out of my brain. And he doesn't remember anything from it.

He doesn't remember. And so I can't even ask him questions about what was Sigourney Weaver like. He goes, yeah, she's all right. You know, what was the kid like who played Newt? He goes, she's all right. You know, he didn't so the people in this iconic film don't it never really impacted their lives in the same way so that that fight i find very irritating so everything about it irritates me because it affected me so much but no one else seems to think it was that great movie

and no one else is affected by it i just mentioned aliens and no one said well what about it so no no one i'm irritated by the fact that no one is as affected by it but than me i keep putting clips out from it as well no one gives a shit it's terrible oh well yeah i'm a big fan of that film and uh you know i'm maybe not as affected by it as you you know i can i could walk by a screen showing aliens and carry on my day. But I did watch it quite recently and it's still brilliant. But a good friend of mine from uni, he, I think, was as affected by it as you. Because there was this sort of long running thing where any time if you'd been out to the pub or you'd been out for a party or whatever, if he came back to your house, he would then spend the rest of the night trying to get you to watch aliens. That was always his end goal

and then he would just talk through you know just word for word beat for beat just talk through every bit so you're like i love this guy he spent six six hours wearing me down to the point we're going to watch aliens and now i can't even enjoy the film because you're talking and so now even when i watch it i can still hear him you know it's my friend Nick in the background just sort of telegraphing everything that's about to happen but but now it's been so long I quite like it for that as well it's got like another layer of of uh enjoyment I think honestly Dan I see everything in terms in terms of Alien like when the war happened with Ukraine I kept sending messages like the Russians do something you have to do You know, you can't just sit by and watch this happen.

So I tweeted a YouTube clip of the scene where Lieutenant Gorman is watching on the screens all his soldiers being killed. And Ripley says, Gorman, do something. And she goes on. She just then gets the truck and goes in he goes what are you doing and then he and i put that out i said russians you need to be like ellen ripley and i put it out and with 309 000 followers it got no retweets and no likes one comment there's one comment saying what's the matter with you because i see everything in terms of the things that happen in that movie it's

ridiculous but i mean you know you on an island it's it's just there it's your only film so are you going to be able to stop yourself watching it 24 hours a day i'll have to watch it all the time and and then i'll be irritating and i'll be i'll be the one trying to get brad pitt and david to watch it this amazing film you got to watch it with me. In fact, I remember when my kids were of a certain age, my daughter was like 14, but I had a son who was 10 and another son that was seven. I said, come on, guys, keep your mums out.

We're going to watch Aliens. And my daughter said, this film is an 18, I believe. I said, no, it's not. It's 15. She goes, no, it says here 18. He goes, yeah, you'll be all right. She goes, no, Dad, I can't let you. My son Danny is like, it's not. It's 15. She goes, no, it says here 18. He goes, yeah, you'll be all right. She goes, no, Dad, I can't let you. Danny's, my son Danny's like, you know, he's seven

and the other one's 10. We can't watch this. I said, look, I've got a big bar of chocolate. She goes, no, no, no. And my daughter took my other two sons away. I said, you're no fun. And I just started watching. It's quite a good excuse to get rid of the kids and have an evening on

your own yeah perfect okay well aliens is going to join you on the island uh what would your song choice be song choice would be um and it's i quite like the song but when things are used too much it begins to irritate me and um i know that if you flick through instagram reels it it sends you stuff that you have been watching and that's one thing i don't like about instagram because if you watch one thing because here's more of this so for some reason i don't know why but when i go on my instagram it's all you know lions eating people it's all like animals chasing each other and, and women dancing to, uh, yo Charlie,

it's your birthday. We're going to party like it's your birthday. We're going to drink Bacardi because it's your birthday. Cause we don't give a fuck about it. It's your birthday. And the thing is, it comes up on my Instagram reels every day, about 15 times.

And I know it's just me, and I probably liked it first, but this song irritates me. And what happens is that if people are not doing anything interesting with that song, I will flick away. And then I think the other day, it was the first time I threw my phone away from me. I just wanted to take a break, and it was like, yo, Charlie. And then there was some woman put her phone there

and she went away and she just did a silly dance. And I said, oh, fuck off. And I just threw my phone away. And it was that song. It was that song that really irritated me. And it was like, I've had enough of that song now. And it was just through overuse. It's probably a really good song,

but it's just, I'm sick and tired of it. And and i hope instagram i don't know what to do to what i've got to go and watch something else before the instagram sends me all these things because they send you all these things i don't know how to get but but but i do like the song but it's just through repetition it's annoyed me yeah and also on the island as well you after a while you wouldn't even know if it was your birthday where you one day you're like, I think it is actually my birthday. And then they start playing the song. And you're like, no, no, no. Can we not play it on my birthday this time?

I think that on one of the most important things in life is variety and diversity. I understand why people are pushing towards diversity because white people are sick and tired of just being with white people. Black people are sick and tired of just being with white people black people are sick and tired of just being with black people there's there's something to be said for the energy of diversity and the energy of of different tastes of music and different types of food that is i think our strength as a species i really as older i get the more i appreciate diversity actually and how if things are the same and monotonous boredom I always try

and avoid boredom that's the one thing I haven't felt since 1985 I was bored one day I thought I never want to be bored so there's no excuse to be bored just do something different and I think that is the the lesson from this discussion here is that variety and diversity is the spice of life yeah definitely definitely okay now omid we've got one thing left now and then i'm gonna set you free into the world to try and think about situations that aren't terrible for your health but finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why oh cats definitely cats there's no question cats the biggest dicks ever i've had nothing but cats and they don't like me they've never liked me we shouldn't say this but if you ever want to have a good relationship with a woman you can never like with a cat you

want to grab a cat and stroke it like come here I want to stroke you cats don't do that you need to woo them you need to be very gentle with them, stroke them very gently, you know, attract them to you. That's the whole lesson of cats, that you have to be attractive for a cat to come to you, which is annoying, because all you want is like, sit here, let me stroke you or play with you, you know and they are the most selfish people i remember just walking my walk my cat to to a neighbor once going to leave the cat then it just scratched me and i thought you son of a bitch i've been i've raised you since you were like nothing i've given you food and i'm just walking you out i'm stroking you and you just don't like it and you scratch me that's the thing that's the thing i i can't stand about cats. They're so disloyal. I love loyalty.

That's one thing. I'm very loyal. I've been with the same blind manager for about 27 years. He's so blind, he'll voice text me. He goes, I'm at this party. I'm with Idris Elba. I said, from Luther. He goes, yeah.

I said, what's he like? He goes, sorry, it was Moira Stewart. And he's so blind, he can't see. When I get there, it was Diane Abbott. So I'm loyal to him, even though he's blind as a bat and he makes so many mistakes, I'm loyal to him. So the reason why I don't like, cats are the most disloyal, faithless animals

and they never repay you. They never give you affection. Whereas a dog is the complete opposite. The dog will be thankful, but a cat is unless you give me food and unless you look after me, I will scratch you. And I just, that's, I'm done with cat. I even put a cat video of a cat playing football

and scoring a goal. I put it on because it was funny to me, but you know, they're the one animal that I really can't stand. Yeah, I mean, I've always had cats. I've got a cat now. And he's, so i had to take him to the vet recently he's developed this thing he's 10 years old yeah and he's just started

pooing in the house yeah trying to work out what's going on i took him to the vet and i was saying is it because this do you think this has happened blah blah and and this is a vet who knows everything about animals he just went thing is cats are just mental so you know could be anything and i was like and but you're the imagine if you had that from a doctor you're just like what's going on with me doctor it's like wow humans complicated in it right that's a great answer yeah but um yeah so i get that and especially you know if you're on the island you're going mad it'd be nice to nice to have a little animal to cuddle now and again. But if that animal just wants to tell you to sod off all the time.

It'd be bugger off. That cat would be buggered off. That's why I would never. I mean, yeah. I mean, if there was a cat there, we wouldn't see it. We wouldn't see it at all. We'd only come around sniffing for food. And, you know, basically cats can piss off as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah, that's fair. And I'm a cat lover and I agree. So fair enough. There you go Omid I've got to say your your choices throughout have been both interesting and uh and just brilliantly picked so you've done a great job here on Desert Island Dicks today so thank you so much for coming on um you've got a tour that's going on at the minute that seems to stretch forever I mean it seems like just a thousand date tour that you've got. You're booking me up. What can I do? The tour was supposed to end in April,

but they're booking in more dates for April and July and October and September. It's going all the way until the Shepherd's Bush Empire on the 2nd of December, where the tour will definitively finish. So come to the, if you're in London, come to the Shepherd's Bush Empire, 2nd of December. And if you're not in London, then I mean, pretty much you're going to be able to get tickets to most places because there's, I mean, there's so many dates. So it's perfect. I'm coming to a Nazi enclave to you very soon.

Brilliant. Omid, thanks again so much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. It's been a pleasure. It's been fun. Thanks, Daniel.