Desert Island Dicks - OLD DICKS - SIMON BRODKIN

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

Just in case you missed it! Here's our Old Dicks for this week from comedian Simon Brodkin. Simon is currently out on tour and so if you enjoy this go and see him LIVE! Be sure to follow the podcast @dickpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and this is an old dick, an episode we put out a while back that you might have missed or want to listen to again.

It features the very funny Simon Brodkin. He's done loads of really funny stunts embarrassing the likes of Sepp Blatter, Theresa May and loads more and his stand up is also really good as well so I'd recommend you check that out too. He's actually on tour at the minute so he's got loads of dates still so yeah go and have a look on the internet and go and see him live. And while you're browsing on the internet, why not go and tell us who and what you'd hate to be stuck on a desert island with, and we'll read the results out on Compact Dicks. Just go to dickspod.com slash contact and tell us what boils your piss, and

we'll add it to the list the next time we put out an episode of Compact Dicks. Okay, that's it for me. Let's get on with the show. It's Old Dicks with Simon Brodkin. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian known for his pranks on Donald Trump, Theresa May and Sepp Blatter, among many others. It's Simon Brodkin. How are you doing? I'm good, mate. I mean mean it's rare that you can get

someone to do your podcast just on the basis of the title but that alone you're like yeah count me in come on i don't care who's doing it i don't care who other which other comedians have done it desert island dicks yeah that sounds like a laugh it was very much come up with the name first concept second yeah so that's like some things on things on telly like nah that was clearly the title came years before they thought of the format but um yeah nice title nice format and nice to be crashing on a plane with you as the um i don't know god or something i don't know what your role is but i don't know yeah just odd strange onlooker I suppose I've put my zoom settings not that anyone will see this to my desert island setting uh just to give us a little flavor of what it may be like

yeah yeah so it's nice actually I can actually see you on a desert island gives a bit of reality to the whole thing so it is nice unfortunately zoom didn't do a setting where there's a crashed plane with 212 other passengers. They just don't seem to do that. But yeah, there is palm tree, waves, blue sky and waiting my choice of dicks. Yeah. And how did you find the process of choosing your list of dicks today? Obviously, there's a lot of dicks in the world and and um i mean there are a colossal choice of dicks uh from small medium large extra large dicks uh especially when surfing through the internet um yeah it's hard starting from anyone in the world was i guess a harder choice than um

take your choice of dicks. But I'm particularly enjoying this question because I get to say the word dicks, I would say maybe 12 times now. But yeah, it's tricky. And then obviously I listened to some of the other contributors and there was some similar choice dicks. And so you want to be picking unique dicks and not everyone else's dicks fair enough given your your pranks that you do i mean do you find it i mean you obviously find it

quite satisfying like taking people you feel that deserve it taking them down a couple of notches yes but these are the people who survive so uh had you given me the choice of people that would die in the crash probably an easier choice no yeah there's there's um um yeah obviously i am known for my uh being able to select some some worthy targets and the world was my oyster here but it was fun man it was fun to think who and why and what level of dickness would they be bringing to the table um and made sure i had a scan through to make sure no one on the podcast chose me as their desert island dick then i would have boycotted the whole thing cool okay well let's let's see who you're gonna pick then who's gonna be your first choice

first choice i mean that there's there's a lot out there but i'm going straight in hard with um amir muhammad saeed abdelrahman al malwa the current leader of isis okay as far as dicks go i think he's pretty much at the top of the victory um obviously abu bakr al baghdadi was um you know would have picked him, but he was killed in a drone strike. So I've picked his successor. I think that we would struggle. I think with most people on your desert island. And that's why the choices can be a little bit tricky. Because you're wanting people who you will have something to go with.

You will have something to, you know, to talk about, to discuss, to maybe find some commonalities on. Because you're going to be there. How long are we stuck there, by the way? Just eternity or what's the. Well, yes, it's indeterminate. I mean, I suppose you can make a break for it. But, yeah, I mean, it's sort of very much up to you you know that's what i thought i didn't want to pick um a particularly good swimmer i had michael phelps down as a definite no-no because he would he'd make a break for it he wouldn't be interested in helping me and i'll be there alone so with amir i'm gonna call him amir i think that we will um have to just cut things down to first names eventually um i mean especially given how many he's got i mean there's like

seven names or something yeah he's he's he's gone for it a couple of hyphens thrown in there and um uh so i'll have to cut it down just amir or miser or matey and i i just think there's going to be too many things that will just let well at first i'm going to be in fear of my life i mean once he sees once he catches me taking away and sees the lack of foreskin i think that's going to be an issue i mean i might try and persuade him that i'm of muslim faith but but I don't think there'll be much to it. And also, of course, I won't be the right sort for him. And I don't think I will be enough of a follower of the strict sect that he would follow, even if I were to persuade him that I was myself a Muslim. So once he finds out, I mean, we're talking about we're talking about sort of chasing each

other around the island aren't we yeah benny hill style as as amir makes it his his last mission on this earth he he might well have blown up the plane to be honest with you yeah i was thinking this or maybe it was like a you know botched strike to kind of take him out you know intelligence knew he was on the plane and they figured what's a couple of hundred civilian casualties if we take down the head of isis so then you're going to be really pissed off with him you know stuck on his island with him well we're going to have a lot of issues i think um so then i'm just not sure i'll be able to sleep well at night knowing that there was the isis kingpin on the island and he had found out about my jewish faith and my mocking of isis throughout many of my stand-up routines and i i

don't know we'd maybe try and sort of bridge the divide on a few things but i'm just not also language wise you know that's gonna let's say we do make friends and let's say you know we we find some some link we have we end up chasing each other around and find out that hide and seek is actually a really fun thing to play but you know we there's language would be a absolute zero overlap and even if he was to maybe find out some sort of refuge some some bit of food. There'll be no way of him communicating with me. So that will be a frustrating time as well. Who knows what he'd try. He'd probably try and get, like, a pinhole camera set up

and cut off my head with a particularly sharp bamboo stick. So, I mean, ISIS are, I think, by definition, all a bunch of dicks. Also, Taliban, of course course there was a lot of choice here yeah they are as well as well they're a miserable bunch of fuckers yeah i don't know we ever been to a to a to a taliban birthday party but it's um you know no alcohol no dancing no women that was a tough gig for me and um yeah that they um yeah he'd be number one the only way to get on with him would be to just sort of fall in line and convert to his way of thinking what do they call it red pill you know and just become you know like a militant uh islamic fundamentalist

i think that's pretty much the only hope you've got and then as you say you struggle with even that if there's the language barrier as well so you couldn't even try and appease him by sort of adopting sharia law or anything like that there'd be a lot of head nodding a lot of yes whatever you say mate yes i'm all in and i guess there'd be no way of sort of trying to prove whether I was indeed the convert that I was saying I was or whether I was still acting as me. I don't know how you identify as ISIS without any enemies around you. Yeah, because you can't say, oh, I'll blow up something for you. Oh, no, I can't. I've got nothing. You know, it's like I'll behead a coconut or, you know, you can't.

You have to be very limited with enemies on the island, aren't you? So maybe there would be a way of persuading him. I mean, you know, ISIS want to be considered an actual country, don't they? Imagine getting drawn against them in the World Cup qualifiers. That's a tricky tie, right? Hostile fans, explosive midfielders. But yeah, they are hard as fuck, aren't they? I guess.

I mean, the Taliban, they defeated what is the greatest military unit to ever be created in history. The American army. And they they beat them wearing flip-flops. That is impressive. Maybe this guy is actually someone who, if I did persuade, I was well up for the ISIS business, that he could be part of it. Yeah, he's certainly going to have stamina, isn't it? Yeah, well, an interesting first choice.

I reckon that's set the bar pretty high. And I'm very, very intrigued to see what the interplay will be between him and your other choices. So who's going to be joining you? Are we all on it together, the three of us? You're all on it together, yeah. Wow, OK, I kind of never thought of that. Well, maybe I would...

There was a couple of people who were sort of on my reserve list, but maybe Garyary neville okay i'd bring in i don't think he'd last that long um yeah i don't know i'm not gonna do gary neville that's that's too straightforward and then conor mcgregor was another one who just doesn't seem like someone who would really be that much of a of a guy to get on with he's he's all aggression very few hugs and also you've got to think that everyone let's be honest we're on this desert island anyone who is any of the three of us we're going to end up in some sort of sexual tryst if we survive there's just three of us there's no one else there and so something's gonna happen whether it be consent or a sort of tying up in the middle of the night and i feared that conor

mcgregor may well be not part of this kind of me too vibe and i feel like i might find myself face down, strapped to the beach with him giving it large behind me. So let's leave Conor McGregor. I wonder if someone like you, Jeff Bezos, you, Bill Gates, you, Elon Musk. Now, these people, right, bear in mind mind we've all got to adapt pretty damn fast. And you've got these guys on there who are just used to having everything whenever they like, however they like. I think they would be

I think they would find it more frustrating than anyone. I mean Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, let's go to the moon two seconds later, fuck it. And now this guy can't even get a coffee made for him i think especially someone like yeah as you say bezos and musk rather than like bill gates you know he's wealthy but he kind of mostly stuck to one lane for most of his life

and then kind of went oh and a bit of charity as well whereas like with those guys it's like i'm not gonna fuck around with charity i'm not gonna pretend that i'm gonna like i know i could solve these problems but i'm gonna shoot to the moon in a fucking dick-shaped rocket fuck you you know i'm literally going to burn all my profits yeah and they don't even go to them when i thought wow they're going up there they're like land on they like just go up and have a cheeky look of Earth, which we've all seen on Google Maps. And they float back down and tell everyone how incredible it is and how it's changed their view of the world. You're right, Bill Gates is a funny one, isn't he? Because he has maybe invented the most important machine of humankind he's given like 50 billion dollars to charity

and yet he is absolutely hated um maybe i should take him just to give him a hug and tell him there's some people out there who are appreciate what he's doing um and um so yeah i think they would find it pretty damn frustrating. I wonder if we're going to have us all together on the island, whether we should bring in someone who could maybe talk down Amir. I'm thinking the Pope. Okay. That would be an interesting, maybe the heat would be taken off me

while he is going for the Pope. The Pope would also wind me up quite a lot because obviously you know the guy's religious the guy he's not going to change unlike the isis guy unlike amir who wants me dead the pope wants me wants me on his team and he wouldn't let it go would he he's not gonna after you know year two say listen forget the whole religion i was wrong he's going to be doing prayer sessions every he's not going to be handy and i need someone who we can we can get going together we need to do we need to be bonded we need to be best mates and the pope's not got

many years left and i fear after two or three years maybe there wouldn't be a Pope. And it would just be me and one other dick, wouldn't it? Just be me and Amir again. Right, so let's think about this. We've got the Pope, we've got Amir, and we've got... Should we pin it down to either Jeff Bezos or Musk? Should we settle on one? Let's go Bezos. Okay, Bezos.

Pope, Bezos, and the head of isis just because if we were ever to get rescued you know the radio you would not you would not believe who we have found here on the island it's the head of isis the pope and jeff bezos why are we all on the flight together i suddenly realized this is an odd one i don't know maybe that's for a companion podcast that we'll make you know for the patreon subscribers that we haven't yet set up i think you've you've got off to a very strong start because already i mean it's just impossible to know what's gonna happen with this group of people so i think simon it's a very good choice for your your people dicks okay well look mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over.

And fortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I wondered if just having champagne there would just be so rubbing it in so against everything that champagne is meant to stand for stuck on an island for the rest of your life with three of the biggest dicks are you really going to want to say cheers to that guys there's a couple of drinks that just send me into the alcoholic drinks and they all have just awful memories of one of them is a a mojito which i overdid at my wedding and ended up collapsing as you do and needing to be taken to the hotel and loaded up in a in a in a wheelchair to get into the taxi. I then left my newly, my new wife's and my passports in the venue being so destroyed. And then we missed our

honeymoon flights the next day. So I feel that if I were to ever taste a mojito again, it just has so many tragic memories of all. Well, part of them may be good memories. I remember when I ruined my own wedding and ruined my own honeymoon. Maybe they were even sweet memories. But either way, a moj um is just out because i really did fuck my own wedding up and more so for my wife because she was sober i don't remember a thing i just remember actually waking up in the hotel the next morning because we were staying at a hotel in um in the airport to get the flights i i have no i have no memory i also think my friends did spike my drink at my

wedding but that is an ongoing uh legal operation no i what nice guys yeah um a bunch of ex-doctors no a bunch of doctors of course most of them so um i don't know what they carried with them down to london that day and put in my drink. But either way, I don't remember the aftermath. And I remember waking, my first memory sort of, you know, post like 11 o'clock of the wedding night, was waking up in the bedroom of the hotel adjoining the airport, Gatwick, I think. And I turned around, I was fully clothed.

And I remember a thing, and I turned around and my wife wasn't there. And I just gone, oh my God, my wife has left me. Because I just thought, I remember I got horrifically drunk. She was actually having breakfast at the time. But for about 15 minutes, I was like, I have managed to, that's the shortest marriage perhaps in history and who would have thought that it happened to me um i've never been so pleased to see her in my life when she came back uh into the bedroom oh my god i love you i'm so sorry but she of course did it sort of liked me

more than loved me at that stage having having completely ruined her last 24 hours. So I think anything Mojito-wise, it just brings back those awful, awful memories, having partied hard in a venue in Soho and ended up collapsing and ruining my own wedding celebrations. Wow, that is extraordinary. Yeah, I can imagine. I mean, it's a nice drink, but I bet it tastes kind of bitter to you now.

I mean, what an extraordinary nice drink, but I bet it tastes kind of bitter to you now. I mean, that's what an extraordinary story. It was nice. Once upon a time, it was nice. Drink too much of anything and it soon becomes just awful. And clearly I'm thinking about all these stories that are coming through my head thick and fast. Clearly I can't take my alcohol, which I shouldn't be surprised at for a very small Jew. Our livers are more suited to overeating than over drinking. Because I went to Ibiza so excited, having been working so hard, went out there.

And then we arrived in the early afternoon. We're going out for a mate's party birthday, which was the big one was happening that night. And I ordered loads of chocolate cocktails. No idea what it was. I think it was on Nicky Beach, one of these fancy places. Got totally wasted. And by the time we were meant to go out in the evening to the club at midnight, I was just hungover. I think I'm learning a lesson here that I shouldn't drink alcohol.

So maybe no alcohol, please. I like the idea of the champagne because it would have come from a plane. So it would always be in a tiny little bottle, which would just add a little bit more desperation to the proceedings. But I think it's going to take a lot to top that mojito story. I mean, I think that's going to be the one that's, I mean, that's just so loaded with emotion and memories, isn't it? And then also, I mean, on a a practical level rum and sugar and heat bad

hangovers i think exactly and all you want to have any niceness isn't it going to there's something weird about anything celebrating the champagne i know we're not going for that in the end i would be worried that amir muhammad saleed abd al-ram al-wal al-malwa um that the current leader of isis would use it as a weapon against me. What about with the corpse? Yeah, the corpse, yeah, sorry. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake for maybe six or seven hours. This guy's fucking determined, isn't he?

Bang, skull caved in, and that's it all over for me. Yeah, definitely. I like the idea of the ISIS leader of having one of those, you know, sort of artillery belts, you know, like with all the bullets that they have around their chest, but with just loads of miniature bottles of champagne instead because it's the only thing he can weaponise.

I have four mice and two chandelons. Step back! And what would the worst food be? I'm quite a fussy bugger with food. There's a lot on offer. I think when you go on tour like me a lot,

you either get more fussy or less fussy. And, you know, because you're either, ah, fuck it, service stations, whatever. I'll eat anything as long as I... But I've gone the other way. I now take, like, 40 Tupperwares with me on, like, a two-night journey and then you just become more and more entrenched in your eating ways so um the one i'm probably going

well oh special mention i should mention to any tuna on pizza um okay i thought i was going to die about a year and a half ago because I had, it's a rare sort of food poisoning called scrumboid food poisoning, which what happens, the tuna, can be any fish, goes off, lovely restaurant obviously, and it releases this chemical, this histamine, which when you ingest has the same effect as an anaphylactic reaction on your body. Right.

So we went out for this meal. I had a tuna pizza. Wouldn't eat tuna now, of course. I'm a complete expert in the field of overfishing, having seen one Netflix documentary. And I got home and my heart started beating quicker and quicker and quicker and i'm thinking oh my god i am having a heart attack i think and the ambulance came it was mad man it was really thinking and i'm the one that deals with the medical stuff in my house and my wife was like, what are we doing? I'm going to call the ambulance.

I was calling the ambulance even though I thought I was dying. They came around, they injected me with, what was it? Was it anti-histamine? Was it adrenaline? Anyway, it was scary. So that has put me off that for life. Although I suspect that the tuna on this desert island would be would be fresher. So we're not going to do any storage. So that would that had a particular stomach turning memory for me. That we just have that pizza from that restaurant with the tuna and ready for me for me to feel like i thought like i was gonna

die again um so um and then i thought no it's got to be something a little more straightforward than that something that i i just don't get i just don't get what this is and why is the cheese fondue okay now it has gone out of fashion so i can't see there being much chance of falling down from the sky but you know it's it's plausible there might be the odd animal we might be able to start a fire and um cheese fondue if you don't know and if you don't know you're lucky you get a pan you have a flame underneath and you drop shit loads of cheesing and it bubbles up and then you get like a little metal prong thing and you dip in like a stale bit of bread and then it bubbles up around it it was i went away and i we'd been traveling for absolutely hours we'd actually be we we were dicks we got a flight um to completely the wrong airport not knowing

that there were other airports little ones that other airlines flew to so we got this flight and instead of it being really close to the place we were going we had to fly like through we had to then drive through like four different countries in europe got there totally exhausted i went to sleep woke up at about seven we were with my mates and they had got the correct flight and they were making dinner i woke up in the morning and not the morning the evening when they were making dinner and I I I sniffed, I retched and I ran down the stairs saying like, oh, my God, what? Someone has taken a shit in the house. Turned out they were making cheese fondue, which is possibly the most revolting.

It is just it is just... It is wrong. It's wrong, and I never want to see it again. I never want to smell it again, and I might just run into the water and drown myself if the Pope starts cooking up a cheese fondue. Fuck you, and fuck everything to do with cheese fondue. Do you have a dislike of cheese in general anyway? I'm a bit of a cheese pussy um you know we're talking um cottage cheese we're talking cream cheese we're talking the

occasional bit of cheddar but the smell that emanates from a boiling bubbling cheese it it's it's wrong i think emmental is what they use in these things, is it? I don't think they all have to be that strong, but I think there is definitely a certain type that's as pungent as possible. Now, obviously, because it's so heated, it's like wafts around, and it's continuously heated, isn't it? Yeah, it's bubbling away. I mean, maybe the good thing is the waft would get to some mainland

and they'd come and rescue us. Maybe it would even... Again, I've just realised Amir might use it to pour all over me, the bubbling cheese, as another weapon, alongside his armoury of small bottles of champagne. But yeah, it's fucked up. It's wrong and I don't like it and I don't want it. of small bottles of champagne. But yeah, it's fucked up. It's wrong and I don't like it and I don't want it.

If you said, oh, I'm just going to have cheese for dinner, someone would say, well, you should have a bit more than that. You can't just eat melted cheese. You know, you're not four. Come on. There's no meal there. There's just stench. It's bubbling stench.

And again, they've middle-classed it up. We'll put it in a little thing. We'll bubble it up the experience no we need some carbs here we need some basic let's get in some potato let's get in some pat let but this is just it's it's it's wrong okay well i think it's a strong choice and very well argued as well you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts

offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Okay, now, Simon, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The planes entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favorite film of all time, and the other is your least favorite song. What are they and why? Oh, so I have not been consuming a lot of films in recent times i um the superhero ones kind of they do piss me off a little bit i don't know where that came from when suddenly almost every movie that comes out that's talked about is a superhero movie. I think one of the last ones I went to or saw was, you know, was it Batman with, what's his name, with the mask over his face? Oh, Bane. Bane.

I think that was like three and a half hours, and I just couldn't hear a word of what any of the main characters were saying, which pissed me off. And I don't know whether I've become a grumpy bastard. I don't know whether I'm just... But the soup here, Avengers assemble. I mean, fuck off, right? They're just getting sillier and sillier and sillier.

And they're just cross-platforming. And we'll have him on this. And you can put that soup here on. And she can go on here. And it doesn't make any sense anymore. And not being out here was particularly galling but i wonder whether we should put something if we are on this island of relentless turmoil whether we should put on something foreign language but with no subtitles because you are so close to being entertained but just so far i know

the squid games i know it's not strictly a movie but it's um imagine just having that in the korean audio only to not be able to understand what is going on with with and you forget when you're watching you're reading the subtitles and you just get a bit of pizza out the oven while your iPad's still on the table and you suddenly look oh shit, they're talking Korean. I'm reading all this, aren't I? So to take any understanding

of a decent bit of entertainment away I think would break us. You'd have the head of ISIS just watching it, just laughing away because he thinks these are great ideas and it's like a comedy because, you know, watching all these people kill each other, he's like, this is superb. Shit, you're right.

That's going to give Amir quite a lot of ideas of various different ways to murder each other. So all in all, it's a terrible, terrible idea. Maybe something just old school, just go Cats. You must have had Cats being chosen. We've had lots of musicals on, but I don't think Cats has been on Yeah, there's something about musicals that just grates, I'm such a cynic

and to watch these people grinning and singing about love is just too much for me man Maybe what could really break us was like a cameo from Nigel Farage or something Nigel Farage or something. Nigel Farage singing the full score of Cats,

like a one-man show by Nigel Farage. I don't know how much that cameo would cost, but we're going to order that. And if you want our time on this island to be as harrowing as possible, that's what we would watch. That's a good choice. And then, OK, I like the idea of the Squid Games with no translation.

Anything like that where it's just, it's not even something you've seen before. So you go, oh, I remember this. This is what happens now. Like you're coming in cold and you've got no idea. It's a tough one with these. It's a tough one. Maybe just the safety video just showing over and over again might break all of us as well. An official safety video from the plane, but it's done by someone like Iron Man and it's in a foreign language with no subtitles.

You got me, baby. Can Nigel Farage make a cameo appearance at any stage? Yeah, sure. He can be the person that like, you know, you know, because they'll have like the cabin crew kind of showing you how to put on a life jacket. Then it will show someone in their seat putting the life jacket on or pulling down the mask. So that will be cut to Nigel Farage for that bit. He's a clever bastard, isn't he? Unfortunately, he just knows exactly when his political career is over.

And now he can just sell himself by doing saying any old shit for 100 quid on Cameo. And what would your song choice be simon my song choice one that i'm particularly enjoying at the moment and would absolutely break me probably to hear again deserted with nowhere to go and no one to perform comedy to is my walk-on track, which I'm currently using on my stand-up tour. It's Franz Ferdinand. It's Take Me Out. You know the one? So if you're lonely, you know I'm waiting here for you.

Jesus, I'm going to get a record contract out of this, mate. And I'm backstage and I'm snorting lines of coke and i'm you know getting tugged off by one last person and then bang on i come to millions of people no it's it's similar but scaled down version of that um it's a great vibe it's a great song and i'm mid tour and i think listening to that on a desert island would be a sorry full affair right imagine you know good evening i'm here um what's up jeff um so that that would bring back a lot of tragic memories but then this has been this has been breaking me and would break me in any circumstances. I am a regular gym goer. I've recently changed gym to a pure gym, which is near me.

And the music, the soundtrack on at pure gym is... It is the least appropriate Jim music I don't know what person is in charge of their musical selection but they need sacking and they need it's first of all it is so quiet

you can barely hear it secondly we're talking love ballads and when you're there on the bench press go here we go. And then you hear, I love you, baby. I mean it every day, baby. No! Interrupted every maybe three songs by a list of where the far exits are

and explaining to everyone that Pure Jim is an inclusive gym and welcomes all people regardless of gender, regardless of sexuality, and it's a safe place to be. That doesn't get me pumped. I love that policy, but we don't need to be reminded of that in between each third song. So I think just hearing that on the island would would bring tears to my eyes as it does now. I've never been less up for going to the gym than since I joined and it's played on a loop. They've got like 12 tracks. They've been tight. They've only bought about 12 bits of music and they're padding it out with their own announcements about gender equality and emergency services. When you go to the gym, it's so important, the music they have on. And I've got a policy of basically if I forget my headphones, I'm not exercising that day because I can't listen to the music that the gym give me i mean i go to a pure gym but their policy is kind of the opposite where it's like commercial r&b that

i really don't like but really loud so you really need if you haven't got noise cancelling headphones like you're in trouble we still have the the health and safety messages though which i appreciate is this at your pure gym they've got a different selection there yeah so i thought it would be sort of brand wide but apparently not although i do you know what i don't think i've heard the fire exit one so maybe our policy for the fire exit ours are just like just fuck it they don't give a shit about you mate they want you all to be bad lads and they're happy for you to burn yeah i mean they want they want to be inclusive but then let us burn. And I like being at one with my grunts. You know, I'm a grunter.

I think loud electronic music is what every gym should be full of. And I think people can use their common sense if there's a fire. And I think that anyone who has to overstate just how open to various genders and sexualities are, there's clearly an issue going on there. No gym, we would think, would not let people join on those basis alone. So there's something going on. They've made some error recently, haven't they? And they're trying to desperately make up for it.

Yeah, you're right right something maybe has changed it would also have the effect of really winding up the head of isis and the head of the catholic church who both have policies fairly opposite and also you know when there is a fire that's kind of more hell-like image i don't know whether they would be able to think of that without thinking of of evil people burning i i don't know it they would be able to think of that without thinking of evil people burning. I don't know. It would just all be wrong for this current situation. I'm not sure what we're going to gym with, what we'd be able to set up there. Maybe that's where Jeff could come into his own.

He seems quite a small bloke. Maybe we could bench press him. Yeah, bench pressing Jeff Bezos. I mean, he was so angry it would almost be worth it i think it could be quite it could be quite fun i mean it'd be struggling and me which would be a nice cacophony so are we saying then so we're going to have like the the pure gym but your particular pure gym playlist because it seems particularly inappropriate maybe every sort of sixth song you get take me Me Out by Franz Ferdinand in there,

because I imagine... Nice combo. It must generate like a Pavlovian response in you by now. If you hear it when you're not about to go on stage, does it sort of get your heartbeat going and stuff? I would just have to pick up whatever vegetable is nearby on the island and, you know, set up a little set of curtains i don't know what on maybe a stick of bamboo and some of amir's you know unused clothes and we'd pull it across and there i'd be

and i'd cry i'd cry no more performing stand-up it would be tricky for me it really would um and i think that two of the three maybe humorless fuckers as well who i would be tricky for me. It really would. And I think that two of the three may be humourless fuckers as well, who I would be able to perform to on the island. So, yeah, it wouldn't be a pleasant... I know you want this all to be about having an awful, awful time. I think we've got that with the pure Jim Franz Ferdinand walk-on music combo. OK, all right, Simon. Well, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the

animals which animal is it and why well you've got your obvious ones haven't you you've got your your ones your elephants your scorpions your lions that you would just be as if it's not bad enough having your head of isis chasing you around day and night you've got a fucking lion who is prowling the island um so that that would be stupid but i want to go something a little simpler something that i know most people don't share with me and that is my biggest dick animal is a dog okay i'm um i'm just not'm just not a fan of dogs and everyone else's love for them of course makes my dislike of them

that much more grating because I'm out and they're jumping up on top of my kid they're scared of them, they're licking their face humping their

leg you know sniffing their bum the owner is like don't worry he's just being friendly it's like dog owners and kid owners cannot understand why anyone else doesn't just want to you know have their face licked by their pet or child they can do no wrong and they shit everywhere the last thing I'm out jogging with the Pope for an early morning religion and run session get away from Jeff and Amir

and we're going to step in dog shit and we don't have shoes presumably they'll start to wear away and there's going to step in dog shunt, and we don't have shoes, presumably they'll start to wear away, and there's going to be shit everywhere. And they smell, and the owners think they've got this magical bond with these animals, just because it comes back to them after they've shouted their name like 30 times. Have you seen that in the park?

Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! that in the park like sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy sammy oh he's a clever boy dude it's a coincidence yeah i i went away a few months ago and my like my youngest was about three months old and we're staying on this campsite that was also you know it's like a glamping kind of site there's also like a i don't know they've got like a bit of like a horse stables there and it's like this this some kind of spaniel or something and it was so excitable i'm just trying to get from our sort of cabin thing we're staying into our car and this dog is jumping up at me so much i couldn't genuinely couldn't tell if it was excited or like being territorial and i've got a three-month-old baby in my arms i'm like the fuck anyway and the best scenario in that instance is he's excited and wants to lick us which i don't want a dog

licking a three-month-old baby like just why is this dog so fucking springy it's stop it so springy man yeah springy is a nice one dogs and dogs like they do kind of kill kids and the owners will have none of that like oh no no my doggy would never kill my baby dude your dog just would bite anything it doesn't know or care about your kid they eat poo they shit everywhere i'm also thinking global warming wise they're consuming a lot of meat here i don't know whether this would be a popular choice but if everyone were to kill their dog i wonder if we would cut down on some emissions so yeah that's that's my that's my little thing so um kill your dog save the environment i can see that as part of being one of the final um parts of the government's uh eco strategy i just wonder if dogs lived without humans like at least a cat buries its shit or tries to bury it shit like

what's a dog's game plan if they were only dogs at what point do they just go fuck hang on we need to think of a system here because there is just shit everywhere what are they thinking well they're eating it a lot so they probably are eating other people's shit and there are certain places you go to like some island in greece and they're just hundreds of just dogs on the rampage because also people get a dog they think it's going to be great a few few weeks later, they're joining me in the I fucking hate dogs thing and they just let them go, don't they? There's a lot of wild... I don't know what would happen

if you're suggesting all humans were to die, dogs take over the world, world gets covered in dog shit, what happens next? I guess we've kind of done that, haven't we? At least we rarely bite kids to death we rarely fall we're better than dogs they're not intelligent come on man if they were that intelligent they wouldn't be taking a shit in a playground that's the lowest level that's the lowest bar and they can't even get above that so um, I mean, props to the ones that, you know, the guide dogs.

To be fair, Labradors can stay. But the rest of them, out, mate. No skills, go. And when they say they're helping the blind, I don't know how much. I mean, yeah, they're stopping at the traffic lights, but beyond that, I don't know. Well, Simon, I think you've put together a particularly fine selection for this island uh so i feel sick of the thought of the people and and things that i'm going to be

left with don't leave me dan please well fortunately for all of us this is but fantasy and you have lots going on at the minute you've got a tour that has i think the most dates of any tour i've ever seen i mean it's it's huge thank you man yeah well it's been going great it's the first tour that i've done as myself at a character uh and it's been going down an absolute treat it's called troublemaker and it's all about you know me and my life instead of talking about whatever the characters would talk about whether that's lean elson or jason bent and it's been a joy to do and yeah i just added like 45 extra dates so i'm not gonna fly anywhere obviously just in case i am left with this bunch of dicks um so yeah there's a lot of car journeys up and down the uk people got to buy tickets they're going fast normally when it's like extra dates added due to demand it's like one or two you've added 45 it's incredibly there's a lot of

demand yeah um no and we're adding even more on top of that which is it's really exciting man the show's going down a treat and i'm loving doing it and the punters are loving doing it so maybe this will be a tour that just keeps on going this is my first tour out of character and my last as seven years later i'm still having that 15th don cast to date brilliant well uh simon thank you so much for joining us today to uh choose your desert island dicks it's been a pleasure and thank you mate take it easy