Desert Island Dicks - OLLIE HORN

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Comedian Ollie Horn joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island! Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month.

New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes. See details. This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens,

power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and this episode features comedian Ollie Horne.

You can find him, as with so many things, on the internet if you want to check out his stuff. He's also in Edinburgh this year and more besides. So yeah, go and look him up online, check out some of his gigs and yeah, he's very good indeed. And I hope you will enjoy this episode. I'm going to keep this quite short because it's Friday evening before the bank holiday. I've been quite busy and I'm quite anxious to finish and stop doing work related stuff even though hey you know it's a passion for me this project. Not just work and I think that's important to be said from the offset. I don't know why I did that voice. I'm not really thinking

very much. Hey look should we just have a podcast? Let's just get straight into it. Keep it easy. Here's Ollie Horne to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ollie Horne. How are you doing? Hello, I'm good, thank you. Good, good. Thank you for joining me. It feels like quite a sort of nice sunny day.

It feels like an optimistic sort of day where we've turned a corner on the bad weather for now. And I wonder if that's affecting your mood and ability to rant about people and things you dislike. Well, do you know what? I actually reflect on this because i've just been out the country for five months and uh and i've really enjoyed not being in the uk and i was fully expecting coming coming back and like confronting the train strikes and realizing everything's expensive and paying like seven pound for a bread sandwich and feeling really rotten but actually i've just spent a nice weekend in brighton and i've just come up to edinburgh and everything's nice so far lovely okay well this sounds this sounds positive I find like the UK is a particularly bad country to come back to just in terms of like the airport greeting

that you get you know like there's no kind of smooth transition oh Jesus 100% and and I flew back into Gatwick which has all of the charm and aesthetic of a regional A&E. It just grew. Particularly when you're flying from something like Hong Kong airport, which was just, you know, it's like they've got like LED screens over the top of the boarding gates now, like showing the weather and the destination that you're at. And it's all carpeted and the Wi-Fi works.

And, you know, it's like there's trolleys you'd have to pay four pounds for. Just everything like feels like they want you to be there. be there yeah yeah i think so many times i come back into the airport i'm like where's where's the ceiling like it looks like there's always they've removed loads of sections of ceiling every time i come back i'm like when are you going to finish this you know i know our airports are so bad compared to the rest of the world like i flew internationally from a regional airport in j for Korka Airport, and they had the really bright idea of building a road on the side of the airport. So, you know, like if you, say Edinburgh Airport,

if you drive up to the airport, you've got like a 10-minute walk to get there. The way that they did it is they built a road that connects to the side of like level two, like a kind of a bridge kind of thing. So you can literally just drive up, get dropped off at departures and go. Then the floor below, there's another one. Things like that just make so much sense. Whereas we're just happy to walk 10 minutes or pay, you know, six or seven quid

just for a 30 minute drop off. Yeah, it's horrendous. It's horrendous. Right, well, I feel like now that was a little sort of warm up for the task ahead. I'm angry now. Yeah, well, you know, it's like exercise. You don't want to go in like half cocked.

You've got to sort of have a little limber up. I think we're ready now. So who's going to be the first person joining you on the island today? It's going to be Trigger, who was the rep on the 18 to 30 package holiday I took when I was 18. Okay. I mean, already he's a holiday rep called Trigger. So I think I feel like there's a lot to unpack. That might not be his real name.

No, I'm sure it's not but I mean already you kind of I feel like he's he's probably a bit of a suspect character what was he like uh well firstly Trigger was now my age Trigger was like early 30s um which like now I know that and now I know what this is like it all seems a bit more lamentable how he was but yeah the main the main thing about Trigger was he was just so keen to impress 18-year-olds, including ones like me, who he didn't have sexual intentions with. The main thing that bothered me was on the opening weekend,

we all got free Uzo shots, which was excellent, and we did a quiz. And we would have won the quiz if Trigger accepted the answer to the question what is the most drunk drink to which the answer is obviously water which we put and he wouldn't accept that as an answer um and the reason being is he said his card said coffee and i said but that's obviously not true the most drunk drink is water like whether you define it by amongst all animals or amongst humans or indeed anything and then he went no you're not thinking it through you've got things like latte cappuccino and mocha yeah no because there's types of coffee it's like

yeah but there's there's there's fizzy water it's irrelevant it's like still not that's amazing so cross and he was like he was just so keen to let us know how much he was having sex he went i have so much sex out here that i have a separate bed for shagging. And I, at the time, explained to him that that means that I am more dedicated to having sex than he is because I don't have a bed that I don't designate for shagging like he does. And he didn't get it. He didn't find it for me. But basically, the reason he was a dick was just like he, a club rep's supposed to give everyone a good time, right?

And all he was really doing was using like 18-year-olds for personal validation. Yeah, yeah, he sounds like a weird character. Like the coffee and water thing is very odd anyway because it's so clearly demonstrably wrong. And then just having a separate bed for sex, like why? Not for sex, for shagging. For shagging.

But then why? I just can't see any benefit. I guess there's like, I suppose there's no wet patch to fall asleep in. You can just hop over to the other bed. But, I mean, beyond that, I mean, it just makes me feel like one of those beds is in a real state. Possibly both. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you don't want to be brought back to either of those beds is in a real state possibly but oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean you don't want to be brought back to either of those beds no no but of the two you'd pick the non-shagging

one yeah but then i almost feel like maybe he'd kind of let that one go a bit stale you know like well i'll put clean sheets on the shagging one because i've got a do you know what i mean so maybe the other one's really filthy but then it hasn't had him shagging. Anyway, yeah, he sounds like a weird character. It feels a bit like, you know, sometimes when you're at school, there might be a kid who's a year or two above you, and they've kind of like, maybe when you're like 15 or something, and they've got a car, and they kind of go out with a girl in your year, and they seem like this cool old guy.

And then you get to their age, and you're like, oh, no, right, you're the least cool person in your year. Oh, 100%. Yeah, at the time, I gave him benefit of the doubt. age and you're like oh no right you're the the least cool person in your year because oh hundred hundred percent yeah at the time i gave him benefit of the doubt but now i know he is just like he was he was just lost actually do you know what yes he's a dick but also i felt like you've got to feel sorry for him yeah oh what a weird life it must be especially if you're like in your 30s at least if it's sort of you know you're maybe just a couple of years older than the people but it's just sort of watching lots of people like get over excitedly drunk all the time

you know like i suppose you can join in a bit but you know when you're like the only sober person as someone else or it's like someone's birthday that you i don't think there was any danger of trigger being the only so yeah i wonder as well like the name trigger where that came from i reckon he was such a loser that was a nickname he gave himself yeah probably started with something like call me killer i'm just like yeah no that's not gonna stick and it kind of whittled it down to that trigger call me trigger yeah all right trick yeah go on then that's okay but yeah so i mean the reason i wouldn't want to be on a desert island with him is like all i know of him is activities that made me feel worse

so it was like the quiz, which wasn't fair. And it was, um, you know, like just shots everywhere. And yeah, I mean, you don't,

yeah, you don't, you just don't want to be drinking that much of a desert Island. Do you? And obviously, you know, a desert Island isn't a million miles away from his natural habitat of like, you know,

sort of package holiday. Oh, Oh, exact. Oh, a hundred percent. Like if, yeah,

if there's limited um bed capacity we all know that he'll be taking twice as his normal allocated share yeah oh mate look what i've built in the shelter what is it it's like well it's an extra bed in it what are you going to do with that well one's for shagging we're stranded on a desert island he's like yeah yeah but still never know mate never know exactly you know me you know me i'll find them you know trigger yeah oh it sounds horrendous oh what other thing he described he described a drink as having a chilled and sexy vibe oh dear that's terrible i just feel like i'd never want to accept any drink or anything he offered me ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, totally. Totally. Yeah.

Okay. And who's joining him? Who's the next person on the list? Well, the next is funny that we accidentally started talking about airports because I've realized any Gatwick airport security handler, the people who are checking your bags because i i flew into getwick um and then i couple of days later flew back out again because i flew into getwick spent a weekend in brighton then went back uh to getwick to take the plane up to edinburgh and um it's just grim i mean it's really grim um like we all know now that like no one's ever found anything of any danger in, in the bags in the airport, right? It just doesn't happen.

Right. Cause if it did, we'd know about it. If there was a bomb found in a bag as a result of a security check, we would have known about it. All that actually happens is they take out tweezers and stuff. And I mean, generally people that do that kind of job,

like, you know, they get a uniform, they get the satisfaction of being a jobs worth, but there's something peculiar about the Gatwick ones, which really treat themselves like they're some kind of militia.

I was, the lady in front of me in the queue was European of some description, Italian, Spanish. And she was clearly late for her flight

and she couldn't answer the questions that this guy was asking her properly. He went, you know, did you, he a really bullying her. Were you not told to put your, put your liquids in a separate bag? Were you not told?

And she was like, ah, basically he just enjoyed bullying her. Right. And then he said, for reasons of national security, I will now be performing a full bag search. And the fact that he like, you know, declares this, like he's some kind of like governor. It was just so, so, so pathetic. Yeah, it's like one step from saying,

by the power bestowed upon me by His Majesty the King Charles III, I am now going to perform a bag search. 100%. And it's like, you know, I'm actually, I'm friends with someone that does some recruiting for these positions. And they told me, I mean, it is security theater. The training that they get is if they see something suspicious, they can't do shit, right?

But I just think that if I was doing that job, I would see my job as like, look, this is a necessary evil that's been imposed upon all our travelers. We should all be in this together. It's like, you know, we're doing our part. But yeah, they've got badges and a uniform. And I just, I don't think, if your job is like,

if you get satisfaction from winding up European travellers, as if what you're doing is even remotely important and not just some kind of security theatre, then I'm afraid you're a dick. Yeah, because everyone's in a sort of a tired and rushed and excited and a bit stressed and, you know, a bit nervous about flying perhaps. Or, you know, they're from abroad. They might not, you know, might not speak English very well.

They might be unfamiliar with the layout. But everyone just needs to get through so they can be on their way. And also it's not consistent, right? Like I fly a lot and basically every airport has different rules about whether you keep your belt on, whether your they can be on their way. And also it's not consistent. I fly a lot and basically every airport has different rules about whether you keep your belt on, whether your watch can stay on, whether you need to empty your pockets, whether your laptop needs to be in a separate tray.

If this was actually an actual thing, then it would be standardized by now. Every airport would be looking for the same thing and have similar equipment, but it's not. It's obviously a joke. Of course people are going to get it wrong because they've just traveled from an airport and they've just laid over and you know the rules were different there or they packed it different but i just i just think like look i get it it's clearly a stressful job and they're

probably not paid enough blah blah blah but i want them to be like bristol airport where my experience has been nothing but good and like they're just fun I remember going taking a flight and um the lady was like I'm from Bristol she went and liquids creams gels or sprays you better let me know because otherwise it's going to cause you a bother and she was nice about it and then I went out to her and she went like you better come over to me not him he's slow because of his age and she actually brought me to a different um to a different uh like handler so like that's the kind of attitude we're looking for yeah definitely just to sort of let's get you through this nice and quickly because i know it's nobody's favorite part of the journey so let's get you through to the lounge where you can have a cup

of coffee and maybe a drink you know precise yeah it's so frustrating and just feels like you know when you're arguing with a bouncer and there's not necessarily any logic to it like i remember having some product i think i had some like hair product or something and they went, oh, well, this is over however many grams. And I was like, yeah, but it's almost empty. So it's not that many grams. And they were like, so there's 100 grams on the container, mate. I'm like, yes, but once you remove 85 grams of that,

it's no longer on. What the hell were you doing, Dan, trying to reason with these people? What were you actually thinking? I know, but know you just sometimes you just have those moments where you just go look i don't want to have to faff about and like go find a chemist when i get on holiday to replace whatever the fuck it is you're making me throw out and like and just the whole rule about 100 mils it's like you can't take more than this amount in case you're going to manufacture a bomb on the plane with it.

But I could take 100, 100 milliliters, you know. Well, apparently that rule's changing. Is it? Because it doesn't make any sense. It's just insane. Of course it doesn't. The way the world works is based on incentives, right? And all that did was make boots at the airport make loads of money selling the same products in a 100-mil container. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Okay, well, I think, yeah, this is going to be a really frustrating

sort of person to deal with. They're going to be, yeah, just the real jobs worth on the island, just getting in the way. And then, you know, every time you question them, just go, well, this is a bigger picture, mate.

Do you want everyone to be blown up in a ball of flames? And, you know, and it's just not worth your effort. So these are good, solid dicks you've got on here so far. So I'm intrigued to see who the final addition will be to the island. Who's it going to be? Lenbit Opik.

I haven't heard his name in a while. So former Liberal Democrat politician turned stand up. Is he still a stand up? Oh, I hope he's not. Well, I mean, he's only really famous because he was having sexual relations with one of the cheeky girls. One of the cheeky girls, yeah, that's right. I met him once, he was a dick.

That's all it is. What did he do? Well, he came to some uni event that my friend was organising and then everyone went for dinner after and I made some... And he was just taking himself so seriously, again, around students, it's like stop trying to impress

students, it's pathetic and so I made some oblique joke to the cheeky girls as you're supposed to do if you're in the presence of Limba O'Bick and he called me a cunt. Wow Yeah. That's quite

the reaction. Yeah. That's quite the reaction. Yeah. So much about him was odd, wasn't it? Like, sort of politician who just wildly mismatched physically with the cheeky girls. Yeah, yeah, he wasn't the vibe. No. And then had a bit of a, yeah, he did do a bit of stand-up for a while,

which was... See, I actually didn't know about that, but that makes me hate him even more yeah i don't i mean i have never seen any of his stand-up but i've you know heard it was fairly mediocre oh it can't be good i mean anyone that's got any i mean the truth is like the the longer his life goes on the more like he emerges as a loser he'll probably be better at stand-up you don't really want a high status stand-up comedian you don't want so like you know like no i mean i don't know i i would

prefer to hear a routine about someone who used to have sex with a cheeky girl rather than still is yeah yeah definitely definitely did he go on i'm a celeb or something once or am i just imagining oh no doubt yeah no doubt i just feel like he's the sort of person that you will simultaneously feel a bit sorry for, but also dislike at the same time. Well, isn't that true for most dicks? The problem comes when you've got a bit of empathy. Yeah. But I mean, to some people, it's just a clear cut.

You're an awful person. With him, you're kind of like, oh, it's not your fault, is it? But although you are being a dick so just fuck off anyone i think that's like predisposed to being a politician particularly in early life is probably a dick and um did you have any comeback when he called you that was it just like okay fuck it i'm just gonna move away from you now yeah i i absolutely i absolutely didn't bother i mean it was one of those things were like, well, you know, in a comedy club, when a heckler kind of misfires,

everyone is just kind of silent and like, well, that's, you know, that was too much. I kind of remember it being like that. But then I actually remember, I remember someone then, this is how petty being a student is, someone from like one of the student newspapers then got in touch saying, apparently you had a fight with Lember Hope.

At the time, I didn't have the um the kind of like now i would totally make that a thing i'd like totally make lemba open my actual enemy um but the time i said oh no nothing happened but i wish i'd done that i wish there was like some student um blog yeah outlining a bitter spat between me and lemba and then uh you know be one of those things they add into any article about him whenever you know he gets into trouble like of course it's not the first time lembit opic has had a bout of fisticuffs but also me as well ollie horn stand-up comedian an enemy of lembit opic yeah yeah it'd be great. Yeah, or maybe you could rekindle that animosity. Yeah.

Cool. Okay, well, we've got a fine selection of people to spend time with on an island. By fine, I mean horrendous. At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving.

You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-ads.com. But we're going to move on because now, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. But unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? So worst food is natto, which is fermented soybean and it's rubbish so i've never

tried this but it looks kind of it's quite gloopy isn't it it's sort of yeah yeah yeah it tastes as bad as it looks kind of a bit sticky and sort of yeah i mean it just makes you wretch oh so i used to live in japan and uh i used to do food reporting for the telly and I used to try all sorts of I would try raw chicken, I tried raw horse all sorts of weird stuff but each of those has some redeeming quality

whereas what I don't like about Nato is that loads of Japanese people like it and it's kind of like a badge of honour for them a bit like some British people are with Marmite, that they like it and other people's kind of like a badge of honor for them. A bit like some British people are with Marmite, that they like it and other people don't. Right. And I hate the fact that there's kind of a stereotype

that non-Japanese people don't like natto. So then if I'm offered natto and I turn it down, they're like, oh yeah, well, of course, that checks out. And I hate that part of it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you don't want to sort of be like the squeamish Brit who's like as scared of this thing that to them is perfectly normal yeah exactly i don't want to say like

do you have any like normal british food like curry please yeah and um what what's the taste because you said it's fermented so like is it sort of like quite a sort of pungent kind of thing well i've literally i've only even like got it close to my tongue. I've not even, um, properly digested it. Cause I really did think I was going to retch. Yeah. Um, but yeah, it's,

I really don't know how to explain it other than it's like, it's not nice. Nothing's nice about it. The texture is not nice. The flavor is not nice. I presume it must be nutritious. It's going to have some redeeming qualities. I mean,

soybeans are probably pretty nutritious, but, um, yeah, it stinks. It absolutely stinks. And it's like when you kind of when you lift it up with chopsticks it kind of creates this like horrible

kind of clingy sticky residue that like means that it doesn't the part that you've picked up on your chopstick doesn't want to actually be separated from the rest of its litter it's awful yeah i've i've always been curious about it when I've seen it because it kind of looks like this weird oozy, it's almost like baked beans, but like not orange, but like the sauce that... Do you know what? This is exactly my point. Why not just make baked beans with soybeans?

Why not do something normal? Why not cover soybeans in tomato and sugar and vinegar? Like normal people. It's weird because it's almost like if you picked up a load of baked beans on a spoon and kind of like let them fall off the spoon they'd kind of just fall down was it looks like natto looks like it's kind of it'll all stuck together in a sort of a slime doesn't it yeah yeah it's got it's got a mad structure yeah yeah yeah well that sounds like a really bad thing to be stuck with on the island and and i get that that that

thing of just of not wanting to look like a fussy person but just you know just genuinely finding something unpleasant yeah and also imagine lembid opix farts after he's eating that non-stop oh god unbearable horrendous okay well look natto is your choice and uh what are you going to wash that down with what's your drink choice well the the drink which I've put on my list is hot chocolate. Not because I don't like hot chocolate, but because I think it's the highest risk drink to order. Okay. If you don't know the place.

Interesting. The product that is hot chocolate can mean multiple things. It can mean Cadbury's cocoa powder mixed with hot water, or it can mean like melted actual chocolate with delicious milk and flavorings and you never know what you're going to get like sometimes if you like a like a an outdoor event like kind of a funfair kind of thing they will leave the big vat of cabri's cocoa powder out and you'll know to to give that a wide berth but even even with, you don't know whether they're cutting it with water or milk or cream.

Yeah. So the reason I put hot chocolate on the list is it's too high risk. Yeah, it's a bit like some cocktails, isn't it, in certain places. And it's something that, like, you know, it's a bit of a treat. You have to sort of weigh up the surroundings

as to whether they're going to be able to do it properly or you're just going to waste your money and get a horrible drink. 100%. i think ambiance is a good is a good um check but you know you go to go to a really nice restaurant they might be phoning in the hot chocolate but also you go to like a small cafe in paris and they might have you know proper chantilly and like you know they might they might do the works yeah and the price is often not um not not a factor yeah so yeah you can just pay a lot for a shit hot chocolate and it's, that I have done.

It can be deceptive because you go, Oh, look at this mountain of cream and marshmallows and chocolate. But then underneath it's just, yeah, it's just bullshit. Yeah. I mean,

just the idea of hot chocolate on a desert Island as well, even if it was lovely and rich, that would almost, almost be worse if it was a really thick rich belgian hot chocolate wouldn't it do you know i think you might be right yeah i didn't actually think of the i mean i'm presuming the desert island is somewhere hot yeah we're gonna say it is and you know it's from a plane so the the chance of it being good hot chocolate a slim although oh that's a very good point yeah it will be sachet yeah although you

might get the first class hot chocolate which would be you know very very fancy pants so yeah you never know but yeah i think i think just as a bizarre meal like natto and hot chocolate is is a horrendous combination oh yeah yeah i mean yeah you'd be vomiting because you don't you don't really want to be mixing dairy with that with that kind of thing do you no not at all not at all okay well that's the food and drink now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why um well the song is the

witch doctors um ootweeooaa ting tang walla walla bang bang now the reason for that song is um you know it like people talking parties and stuff but oh what was the first record you bought what was the first so i'm of the age when my first purchase was a cassette um and regrettably it was that and it's such a shame it's such a shame it's the same with like my child my childhood stand-up hero um was not like chris rock or anyone cool but it was joe pasquale and i really regret that because like i've now i've met him and i told him that he was my childhood hero and he was very flattered and i also had to say to him, but I will lie about this in interviews because it's so embarrassing.

Like my, and it's like, it's totally justifiable too, because Joe Pasquale is a joke thief. So he would channel all this amazing comedy writing. So like, I think it's justifiable that I love Joe Pasquale so much, but like had live in squeaky,

had twin squeaks on VHS, New Home by Heart. And yeah, genuinely big comedy inspiration. And it's such a shame that I met him and the consequence of meeting him was like, he was very flattered when I said, oh, he was one of my heroes. And he went, oh, well, if you want,

I can offer you two tickets for the Nottingham Playhouse. I'm in Panto. And it's like, well, imagine if my childhood hero was someone who their offer would be, I've got two tickets for Madison Square Gardens that I'm playing next week. So, yeah, so it's just like, it's just, that was the first cassette I ever bought. And I remember buying it.

I remember putting it in my dad's car and playing it and thinking, great song, great tune, really big in this. And it's just embarrassing that it was that. Oh, you know, I just, I kind of think there's something so amazing, like amazingly honest and free of sort of ego about a child's interest in music, you know? Like, and I say it with my kids, where like an awful theme tune to a kid's show that they love or like Crazy Frog or something,

they will like as much as the Beatles or like the ramones or something of course but don't forget these songs are engineered to like be earworms for kids like i'm i'm the victim yeah no i agree and i think i just think it's a really you know even though these songs annoy me like you know my my oldest son has a as a spotify playlist that every time he hears something he'll add it to that. And it's just like, it's a real roller coaster on that playlist to have it on in the car. And it's like,

goes from something like father, John Misty that he heard on six music to like, you know, MC hammer. And then like a weird version of the ghostbusters theme. And it's like, wow, we are really going around the houses. Like what's this Fleetwood Mac.

Wow. Okay. You know, it's a, so there's something quite lovely about it. But, yeah, I mean, as an adult, you basically want to say, oh, yeah, my first album was, like, I don't know, Sex Pistols or something. Something cool. Yeah, because I think one of the first,

I don't know if it's the first, one of the first singles I remember having was I'm Too Sexy. Oh, that's cool. I write, said Fred. It's not not cool too sexy all right said fred but it's not not cool i don't know i thought it's pretty bad but and then also now you've got the added edge of their sort of weird conspiracy theory theorist anti-vaxxers aren't they now so it's kind of but you weren't to know that as a child no i didn't know i mean who could who could have known the world we were to inhabit when i was walked into our price that day but um but yeah this song

you this song you have picked is is horrendous and do you know it did you know it when I I'd forgotten about it and then I it sort of rang a bell I looked it up and then I remembered because the video like they had a very kind of comedy sort of wigs didn't they so they'd all look like kind of cartoon characters yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great on the eyes. Yeah. I mean, it's like someone's taken the theme tune to like a Funhouse-style show and then stretched it out into like three minutes

or something, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I remember like, you know, singing it in school and stuff and thinking it was great. It's a perfect song to go mad to on the island, isn't it? Well, this is the thing. I mean, imagine that on a loop.

It's kind of, it's like relentlessly happy as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Because some people pick songs that you go, yeah, that's a shit song. But some songs, and I think this is a great example of them, are just perfect for like the slide into insanity. You know, like imagine being rescued and this is just playing in the background.

Totally. And it's so regrettable that there's so many things i'd like to remember which i can't but if you said i would respond ting tang walla walla bing bang yeah yeah and that's it's such a shame that that's that's part of my brain that i don't think i'll ever not think that yeah i mean it's a real stinker of a tune so So it's a perfect addition to the island. And what film would you be watching? Well, I now regret my choice because I didn't actually think practically. Maybe I would actually enjoy watching films on the island. But I would put, as like a dick move for a film,

any film over about 90 minutes. Yeah, yeah. I don't have the attention span. And I, like knowing like you know i do hours at the festivals right and i even think an hour is too long really right like you just know that people are just waiting to check their phones after um and i just think like any story that can be told in two and a half hours can be stopped, can be told in an hour and a half. Um, but even flubber that runs just over an hour and a half. It's such a go. Yeah. I'm a huge agree with this. And I think many other parents would say the same

thing. It's like, you know, by the time I've sort of got the boys to bed and kind of come downstairs and sort my shit out, it like okay right it's like nine o'clock i'm looking for something to watch now and then i also need to get to bed because i've got to be up and do the whole thing again and i'm like oh come on two and a half hours like just just condense the plot a bit or like do a sequel i don't know yeah or keep the same plot but just tell it better yeah yeah and also like you know whenever i'm in a taking a long haul flight i'll try and watch a film but if it's more than about an hour and a half i just nod off i found one on um amazon prime the other day and it was like an hour and

15 an hour and 20 and i was like yes this is like the jackpot this is amazing but i hear so many people complain about the length of films but like they just seem to be getting longer still yeah i wonder what the incentive is because you know like movie theaters don't make more money if the films are longer arguably they make less money because you can schedule fewer films in a um you know in a night uh i don't know who's calling for it yeah it must be more expensive for them because because a lot of the like the big blockbusters are really long now and they you know all the special effects they've got to shove in it's like surely just save yourself 20 million dollars and and shave half an hour off it yeah i mean and also like obviously

in movies they do overshoot right they they shoot too much then plan to cut it back yeah so how long would they take how long would the bloody director's cut be i mean that's crazy yeah i mean i have enjoyed longer films, obviously, but I have to sort of psych myself up for it, I think. Yeah, and you've got to plan. You've got to take a wee break and stuff. Rubbish. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good. Well, I think that's sorted. And finally, Ollie, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Well, the animal that I don it and why well the the animal that i don't want to be on the um on the island is the panda and the reason for that is i'm a huge fan like i really love pandas there was a time in my life where i would like that have like panda

stickers on stuff and you know cool guy um love pandas and i've even like i remember taking a layover in shanghai once and i only had eight hours in the country but i made a point of like going through immigration getting a cab to the zoo going and looking at pandas and then go back to the airport love pandas um and my impression of them is like they're lovely but i think they probably are dicks right like they you know they've got to be selfish like i think the cute the cute veneer is because they're dicks and I think the natural world needs them to look cuddly so we all protect them.

So I just think if the island is run rampant with them, I'd stop being... I wouldn't like pandas as much. I don't want that to happen. Yeah, it's weird because they're selfish but not in a useful way.

It's like they think about themselves, but not enough to maintain their existence without lots and lots of help. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, exactly. They are basically supposed to be extinct on a biological basis. And also, all the pandas in the world are apparently run by China as some kind of soft diplomatic power. So what that practically means is if the island does have a lot of pandas china's

involved in whatever's going on yeah i was going to say this i heard that somewhere that every panda is owned by the chinese government and when a uk or a zoo outside of china has them there they're actually just leasing them off the government they're on loan yeah so yeah yeah that i think that is true so then if you got rescued then you just have this extortionate bill from the chinese government for like harboring all of their pandas exactly we deal with all of our pandas yeah um yeah and i i want to like pandas and um i like you know i get so excited like i've still not seen the pandas in edinburgh zoo which is like you know i come to edinburgh every year i can't wait to do that they're weird though aren't they like you see videos of kind of a keeper having fun and

they're trying to sort of feed them the pandas like this sort of goofy thing that keeps like getting in the way and like oh they're thick as shit like watch a panda there's loads of videos online and i've seen them of like pandas trying to like you know play with a slide and they like they just miss they wrong foot and just fall over and they're adorable because they're thick and i actually think this ties back to my first dick trigger but i think if we just remember that some people are just thick and that's fine like we don't need to we don't need to criticize people for not being not thick yeah but you know understanding pandas as thick helps us empathize with them because we know that there's nothing they can do about it.

Same with Trigger, I presume. Yeah, but whereas I think it's quite... Actually, I hope that's true for Trigger. Imagine if he's got multiple degrees, he had a good job, and he gave it all up to try and impress 18-year-olds. That's worse, isn't it? Yeah, that is worse for him, yeah. But whereas with the pandas, you know,

it's fun watching videos of them being goofballs on YouTube, but when you're trying to start a fire and one just falls over into it and puts it out and then kind of like stands in the drinking water that you've spent ages trying to filter from seawater. Like, you know, for fuck's sake. Do my best to make natto palatable and then they drink it. Yeah. Oh, God, Panda. You know.

Yeah. I think very funny for onlookers less funny if you're the keeper yeah great well look ollie i think you've done a superb job of picking an island full of people and things that would be just a real pain in the ass to live with so uh imagine limberdope calling a panda a cunt yeah so uh ollie what are you up to at the minute that you want to tell people about where can we see more of you um well i'm doing a bunch of previews for my next number of fringe show the show's called not much and it's a show all about me reflecting on having done stand-up for 10 years and talking about all the bad gigs i've ever done um so that's actually quite difficult to um

to put in an hour and so you can, I put all my dates on my Instagram, which is Oli Horn comedy, O-D-O-L-I-E-H-O-R-N comedy. And there's a bunch of clips there too. So you can see if I'm the kind of comment you like. Lovely. Brilliant. Well,

Oli, thank you so much for coming on Desert Island Extended. My pleasure. I've really enjoyed this chat, Dan. Good. And I hope it hasn't made you feel too negative, but ultimately I think it's going to make a lot more people happy.

So I think you've done a good thing here today, Ollie. Wonderful. Thanks so much. Cheers. There you go. Ollie Horn there on Desert Island Dicks. Thank you to everyone who has listened to this episode

or any others. If you like it, go and tell your friends or you can even leave us a rating and a review where you get your podcast. That's always very much appreciated. So thank you to those who've done that recently. Well, like I say, I appreciate you. You can always get in touch with us

with whatever you want at dixpod.com slash contact, or you can give us a little shout on Twitter or Instagram at DixPod. We've got loads of episodes coming up, especially in the run-up to Edinburgh. We're recording loads of shows with comedians who are going to be in Edinburgh this year, and probably one or two that aren't as well, but we're going to be putting out a lot. So, yeah, make sure you subscribe and then you won't miss an episode. And, yeah, that's it i think i'm just going to say quickly that desert island dicks is a sync clap production it was founded and produced by james deacon produced and presented by me dan benedictus chris attaway helps edit it sometimes and uh as always we get lots of just emotional and general support from our good friend and James's dad, John Deacon.

Big John. I know he's not really called Big John, but I just thought I'd say it then. I'm just waffling so much today, so I'm going to leave it now. And hopefully I'll be more coherent next time you listen to Desert Island Dicks. Okay, bye.