Desert Island Dicks - OMID DJALILI

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

We're back with another series, and we're coming out swinging with the amazing Omid Djalili, who put in a superb showing whilst choosing the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with. So hunker down, strap yourself in, and enjoy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, it's Dan from Desert Island Dicks. Welcome to this new series of Desert Island Dicks. For many of you, you probably won't have realized there was an end to the last series or even that we do these things in series, but we've had a little break. I didn't mention it at the end of the last series but we've had a break and now we're back and we're back

with a big one today. It's Omid Jalili and he was brilliant. In fact, I'm recording this just after I've recorded the episode with him and I had an awful lot of fun. He's got loads of brilliant stories. He's a very funny man and he's got loads of brilliant stories. He's a very funny man.

And he's got a really good take at how he picks the dicks for the island as well. So I think you're going to enjoy this one. Now, I'm trying to remember how I do these because I haven't recorded one for a few weeks. And my brain is so simple that if I don't do something a lot, I just forget how it works. Oh, let's just keep it simple. It would be lovely if you subscribe to this podcast uh wherever you get your podcast like itunes or wherever um and give us a rating and a review that would also be really helpful as well it means a lot for us in terms of loads of

boring algorithm stuff but it helps us in terms of charts and stuff and i won't go into it but it's a small thing that you can do that really helps us so if you can like and subscribe and give us a rating and a review that's always really helpful and just you know just tell your friends spread the good word of dicks that's also very much appreciated now look I'm going to stop rambling on I'm going to let you get into this podcast it's Desert Island Dicks with Oma Jalili. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian and actor Omid Jalili. How are you doing? Very well looking forward to

this. Good good. Is ranting a particularly fond pastime of yours? It is and you know what it's interesting I had a fabulous gig in Bury St edmunds recently and one of my twitter followers who's very nice who comes to the show called sam and i recognize him in the front row right front row and i was saying hey sam because i like my my regulars my twitter regulars and then it was such a great show and when i said thank you very much good night the crowd like stood up and then sam would not did quite instead before the crowd gave me a standing mention did sam go up and was left and it was very awkward and was going through the front row as people started going where you going what you doing and i found it so disrespectful and it's probably because sam has you know maybe anxiety being in a crowd

or they had a bus or a train to catch maybe there's something a very very good reason why they're but i just was in my dressing room saying are you are you kidding me what the hell is this bullshit sam are you kidding me and i started tweeting because i said what are you doing and then i deleted everything i didn't send anything but But I just was, I get angry very quickly. I know a lot of my family say, for someone who looks so nice, you get angry really quickly. And it's interesting. I noticed this about the late Sean Locke.

His wife said to me, I said, well, Sean was never on social media because we kept him off it because all the stuff that was on, we know he'd be on social media the whole time. He was so angry he said tell us just tell us don't go don't publicize it to the world so yeah i think most comedians have this righteous indignation and it's very difficult to eke it out because no one wants to listen to us yeah but i've got a lot of rage in me of course i find myself these days because i'm sort of working from home most of the time I'm not commuting my anger is very much more localized so it's you know whereas before it's like oh

bloody commuters or people just stopping in the middle of the platform I don't have any external stuff so it's very much you know about the bins or like local things or someone putting litter on my front lawn and stuff it's become very kind of like local and mundane my sort of rage yeah i actually you know i found it quite refreshing i got upset with um bbc persia recently who um i'd given them i delivered a show in the persian language and um they suddenly said they wanted to cut five minutes from it and i said well i don't mind cut what you like but let's let's discuss it and they just cut it and they they honestly just it was like I'd given them a lovely meal and they just gave it back with dog turd in it.

And I just went nuts. And I was so happy because I was so, they said, don't be upset. I said, what do you mean don't be upset? Of course I'm going to be upset. And I loved being upset about something I cared that wasn't Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, the war. There's so much going on that upsets you, but I was so glad it was something that meant so much to me.

So I'm in a massive battle right now to save my show because I realise that the one thing I'm really protective of is comedy, my comedy, when people try and take your comedy and shit on it. And that's the one thing that I will on it and that that's the one thing that i i will not take and that's the one thing on people so don't be upset of course don't be upset i'm gonna be up i'm gonna be upset this is my work and you're just trashing it so it's actually very refreshing to be upset about something that actually belongs to me and not

just external things okay great well i've got a feeling you're going to be superb at this podcast. So, yeah, we can dive right in and start choosing dicks, I think. Who's going to be the first person joining you on this island today, Omid? Well, look, I think we should talk about, when we talk about people who, if you're in a plane crash or a boat crash, if I'm on a plane, and let's say we want to put in nigel farage if i was to see nigel farage even getting on a plane i wouldn't get on that plane so i can't really say for if it was farage casey hopkins andrew piers the people who really wind

me up if i was to see them all getting on a plane or i just wouldn't get on the plane i just wouldn't do it so so the people i've chosen are people who i really like but who can be really annoying so the first person is david baddiel i'll put in my good mate david baddiel who i love but he can be slightly annoying and i think he's someone i probably would be on a plane with he's someone i probably would be on a plane with. He's someone I probably would be on a long boat ride with. And if we crash and if I was to be with him, part of me would think, well, he's a mate. It's okay.

But a part of me knows from the history between the two of us, he will annoy the hell out of me. Okay. So for the rest of us that don't have, you know, we don't have that much knowledge, you know, I only know David Baddiel from what I've seen of him on TV and the press and things like that. What are his traits that wind you up? Okay, the first thing about David Baddiel you should know is on social media, he's always taking photographs of his breakfasts.

And I find that, I don't know why, and he does it. I said, why do you do this? He goes, it gets lots of likes and lots of traffic and people talk and they love discussing sausages and, you know, like the proportions of the amount of hash browns you have. People say, oh, two hash browns, that's too much. Oh, two sausages and one streak of bacon, it doesn't make sense. So lots of nonsensical discussion.

But if I was on a desert island with him and he's like, wants to take a picture and he's like, there's a three-month-old rotting seagull. I said, what are you doing? Because I'm taking a picture. It's my breakfast. I said, I don't want to see a rotting seagull. I don't want to care about it.

I don't want you taking pictures of like rotting melons and things. So that would really wind me up that he always has to take pictures. I mean, you could say if you're on a desert Island and you've got access to social media, you wouldn't be on a desert Island, but the obsession he has with telling the truth as well is something that really annoys me.

Now he always says, I'm very truthful. He refers to himself as someone who's almost autistic about the truth. He will not lie. And it's okay if it's about yourself, but when it's about other people, it's like it's impossible for him to come round and then, you know, if we want to find,

if my wife wants to find out where I've got my secret stash of food, he'll always say, does he have a secret stash? Yes, he has. Don't lie about it. Don't tell her. Is that the clothes basket? I'll say, yeah say yeah he goes is that where you leave your donuts and then david will go yes he does and he eats them at midnight i said well who's asking you no i don't want you around my shoulder so he has this thing where i don't know if he sets it up so people take him

more seriously but he's always going on about how he has to be truthful and he can't tell lies. And I always find that's something very suspect when people do that. Yeah, yeah. I have it with my mum sometimes. You know, I'll sort of give her a book for Christmas or something.

She's like, yeah, I don't really like this author that much. I'm like, mum, it's okay to lie to me. I know that you're my mother. And for most of our lives, it's been good. But in this instance, I'm happy for you to lie to my face as my mum. Yeah, I want people to lie to me i know that you're my mother and for most of our lives it's been good you know but in this instance i'm happy for you to lie to my face as my mom yeah i want people to lie i remember there's a lovely guy you know adam hills adam hills does the the last leg and um really good stand-up and i go to his shows big fan of his go and watch his shows and he always ruined it for me he'd always tell like a story. His shows were basically what had happened to him during the year.

And then 9-11 happened. And so he told a five minute bit about how he was on a plane with someone and it was all that. And then fine, there was some interesting jokes in there. And then he'd always ruin it by saying, by the way, everything I've just said to you right now, it's all true. And the crowd would go, oh, wow. I said, excuse me, I could tell it's all true and the crowd would go oh wow i said excuse me i could tell it was all true it's nothing completely outlandish it's just a few things you've said and you've made some jokes

about it you know make up some stand-up that's a lie be really creative like you know like in larry david when he's waiting for he's waiting for um ted Danson to ring him to say that he doesn't want him to come to the Paul Simon concert. He goes, just call us and lie. Don't make us sit here like schmucks. Just lie to me. Put me out of my misery. And I think there is something to be said for creative lying. I like when my stand up, 90% of it is creative lying.

I'll do a whole routine. And I noticed the other person who does that is Stuart Lee. Stuart Lee will tell a long story and you think, wow, is this true? Then he'll just say, and that was all completely made up. And I'll stand, I'll give him a standing ovation because he sat there and he's thought about it and he's written a routine for our comedic entertainment. So I don't think when you're an entertainer or a stand-up,

the truth should be something that you hold onto. It's not that, it's not, the truth is not that interesting to me. And I tell me some lies, tell me something outlandish, make some shit up to make me laugh until I shit myself. That's what I want.

I don't want people to say, Oh, everything I said was true. Well, I could tell schmuck. It wasn't even that funny. It's true. Of course it was true.

It was more based in some kind of reality, but it wasn't that interesting. it's true of course it was true it's all based in some kind of reality but it wasn't that interesting i'll have you know so yes so people who tell the truth all the time annoy me you can tell i'm actually getting really wound up now no it's good i think um yeah i mean you know putting this on a desert island scenario as well i mean in order to keep the peace you need to sort of lie a bit and sort of gloss over things. And I mean, just to sort of get along, you know, you don't want to be sort of going, God, you know, you're starting to look really rough now. You know, you want to sort of jolly things along. And, you know, if that means bending the truth a little bit, I think, you know, it's important. If you've got somebody who can't do that at all, it's going to be a tricky atmosphere. Yeah. But we knew this in life in general, you choose your kind of what you call the Joker in the pack,

the Joker card, which is people who will always be truthful with you. And I think that those people are very, very few and far between. Like if you do a standup, that is a comedian. I do like it when we do a new material night, you know,

and I, when I first came in from acting and to stand up comedian to stand up comedy and i was always shocked where a comedian would watch you do new material and go yeah that was good middle bit was a bit crap i don't think you should end with that line have you thought about this but oh that opening line was terrible i just cut that and you know the actor in me was like oh my god you're being so truthful because we're so used to you know in acting even if you've seen a shit performance you go oh well done you've done it again you were amazing so people in the theater world lie a lot because they can't be bothered to tell the truth but you do have people who could

who do that so and david baddiel is actually one of those people in my life who's very truthful and i and i and i in a sense I invest my relationship with him to be truthful with me and I like that so that's the one good thing that if I am looking rough or if you if he says I mean I don't think you're eating enough I know that would be a lie that would be a but I think that he's he's someone who who I think at certain points it would be useful to have him around yeah yeah yeah I mean useful in the sense that things can be character building but not that much that pleasant at the time perhaps yeah exactly exactly okay well who's going to be the second person joining you the second person i would have in there would be brad pitt for a number of reasons uh brad pitt is he's someone let's say

if you're on a desert island and a female person shows up that's it there's no chance of late night cuddles there's no that's it's finished even if i was with david bedeel david bill want to cuddle with him and not me you know people would choose bad pit because he's so physically he's so physically aesthetically pleasing and he's also someone who um he's an interesting person actually i got to i got to spend time with him um when i did a film called spy game and um he was annoying only in the sense that he was unrelentingly polite that was a thing he was so polite he kept calling me sir is. He said, what are you calling me, sir, for? You're older than me. And he just got married.

He just got married to Jennifer Aniston. And he kept asking me about my being married for about eight years. He kept saying, what's marriage like? And I said to him, you know, marriage usually is a little framework. It goes in three stages. Stage one is a love stage. Everything you see about that person you love. And then after about a year, you fall into stage two, where everything you see about that person you love and then after about a year

you fall into stage two where everything you liked about that person now you find really irritating and this stage can last a year can last 10 years a lot of people get divorced actually they'll never get out of stage two but if you get into stage three if you fight through you start having better conflict resolution you understand each other but you've got to get through that difficult stage two and his phone rang and he goes sorry it's jennifer i've got to take it and he went away and i could hear him we were doing a car scene together so they let him talk to jennifer for 10 minutes he was pacing i could see him was pacing up and down he looked like he was being polite then he went ashen faced then i could see him getting angry then he got back in the car i said everything all

right because i think i've just moved into stage two and it was quite funny it was quite funny that he said that because it was the first joke he made and then stupidly just as a postscript time about eight years later this is now like 2008 there was a journalist a regional journalist in cardiff said have you got any showbiz stories? I said, no, I'll never kiss and tell. You've got to have one. So I just told her this little story about, you know, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. And she goes, oh, that's a great story. And I forgot about it.

And then a week later I got a phone call from my agent in America. He goes, what the hell have you done? What the hell have you done? And I said, what? What are you talking about? Look on the TMZ website. I said, what are you talking about? So I on the tmz website and there was this headline saying um comed british comedian admits to breaking up brad and jen and there was a photograph ripped but we got brad pitt and jennifer and in the middle there was a really jowly photograph of me with a microphone telling this same story I've just told you and everyone was upset and and I was glad that they were I'm glad they're upset I'm glad that Brad Pitt was upset

because um he just seemed unrelentingly nice and unrelentingly polite and I think when you're on a desert island you would like to think that those guards would be down but I don't think he would I think a lot of people who are into Hollywood, they have this thing where they never want to show their vulnerable side because they think someone's, there's some camera far away is zooming in on them. So I would find that if people were just polite with me the whole time, it would just drive me crazy.

That's amazing. Yeah, it's interesting. Brad Pitt, yeah, I don't really have any idea what he would be like and that sort of fits with what you've said you know he doesn't really know much he never gives anything away he just never um I know that when I work with him on this film called Spy Game he never really said his lines he just used to feel the lines and that kind of gave me bad habits because I'm also like now I don't want to say the lines. I really don't know.

Maybe I can feel the lines. I remember Robert Redford was there. He goes, God, this guy irritates me. Just say the goddamn lines. Why do you have to like play around with it? And I think this was influenced me really badly because I did Sean,

the sheep, the movie, which is where I played any human character. You, you don't speak words. You have to do, I was the voice of Trumper, which is a human being. And the voice I give is what the sheep hear. So it's voice interpretation.

So if my character's saying, oy, you get in there, you have to say it the way a sheep hears it, which is oy, you get in there. Oy, you get in there. And I was improvising say it the way a sheep hears it which is oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah so and i was improvising i thought this is great i'm improvising and then they say in the booth it goes oh me can you just hear just give us a hmm and i go they're like no no just a hmm and i go they went no no give us a simple hmm and i said i don't think my character would do that and they said we just want to hmm I said I can't do hmm he wouldn't just go hmm they said do you want to take five minutes I went yeah

I will and I took off my headphones and I walked away and I came back I went hmm right are you happy now it's because of Brad Pitt Brad Pitt totally influenced me to like improvise around stupid noises so he was I do know he was irritating to Robert Redford as well. That's amazing. I don't know if we've ever had quite such insight into such high-level actors as on this podcast, so this is great stuff. You mentioned his physical appearance, obviously, on an island.

He obviously keeps himself in shape. I wonder if part of that comes from being quite particular and fussy and sort of having a trainer and stuff i wonder if that'd be quite maybe that'd be the thing that would cause him to snap you know when you're sort of he'd be really excited about all the coconut water for example but then you know after a while he you know this isn't really working with my diet what i'm supposed to be eating like it might kind of great after a little while i think that if you're on a desert island, you would like to think that we would all veg out together

and realise that the life is now over and existence as we know it is futile. So you'd like to at least sit down and connect with people. I think that's what you want. And if you see someone who's so physically perfect, they have to put in a lot of work. I mean, I know Gloria from Modern Family just looks at her own body

because you think this just is like this. I have to work hard to look like this. And they do. People who have amazing bodies are in the gym every day, three, four hours a day. They really take care with what they eat. I wish I could be like that. My personal feeling is you live once

and you've got to enjoy. I love star bars. I will eat the star bar. I'll eat anything. But I think people like that will be irritating because they will put themselves first. It's always about their schedule. They do not have to put in my workout time. I've got to sit down and meditate.

And when you're around people who place themselves first, I find that very difficult. I like people who are a bit more service orientated. And that's one thing I will say about David Baddiel. He will think about other people. And I just get the feeling that Brad Pitt would be very into himself, into his own routines. So I would have to like, would you believe I'd have to book an appointment to like have some

guy time with him? So I think that that's the kind of thing that would really irritate me yeah fair enough fair enough yeah I mean I think anyone that you can't just sort of just knock about with and have a laugh with straight away is going to be I mean eventually he might let his guard down but just having to sort of like slowly kind of let him kind of get him out of himself you know just be something you don't need okay so i mean this is this is strong already i mean there's a lot of people for whom this would be quite an ideal place to spend a lot of time i think if you're you're hateful island but um actually fun

who's going to be the third person joining you the the third person i'll put in is ricky grover i don't know if you know rickyver. Ricky Grover is a comedian. He's a very funny comedian. He's like me, overweight. He'll do jokes like, you know, my wife says, let's go upstairs and have sex. And so you've got to choose one. I can't do the both love. He is very funny.

And he comes from a kind of murky gangsterish background. And like I said, he's someone i love dearly but i'm also i would be fearful to be alone with him because there are some great qualities ricky grover would keep you warm at night because he's big he'd cut because he always wants a little cuddle come along when there's a little cuddle he's also someone who you'd feel safe around because you know he has like I said he's this murky gangster past and he'll he actually will he knows wasted you know we talk about demilitarizing countries he knows to dis how to disable human beings with one touch he will say there's a bit in the elbow here if you squeeze someone and

put your middle finger there hard it disables people and they get shocked. So he has the dark arts about him. So if there's a wild boar, I'll send Ricky, Ricky would probably kill him and eat it. So, but there's something about him as well, which is unnerving. There's something about him that while you love him, you don't know if you'll want to kill and eat you as well. And to be around that energy, to be worried about offending someone that much is something I would find so difficult.

To walk on eggshells around someone like that would be so stressful. He famously punched a comedian in the face. There was a guy called Ian Cognito who's no longer with us who had come to the Edinburgh Festival and he'd said something disrespectful about Ricky's wife. And Ricky said, no, I know you don't mean that.

I'm going to ask you to take it back. He goes, no, Ricky, I'm not going to take it back. Your wife is a this and this. He goes, I've given you one warning. I'm going to give you one more warning. Do not say that. Take it back.

He goes, no, I won't. And your wife is. And before he said it, Ricky knocked him out with one punch and broke his jaw. And he went back to London because he couldn't finish the Edinburgh Festival. So he is someone who can disable you with one punch. And David Baddiel, I think I could take. I think Brad Pitt, I think it's all cosmetic with him. He looks great. But, you know, one think it's all cosmetic with him. He looks great, but you know,

one punch should be down like a plank. But I think Ricky's the one person where I know I couldn't take him. He has the dark arts. And if things get down to the bare bones and it's just me and him, I think he would eat me and he would survive. I don't think I could survive with him. I think, I mean, knowing what he looks like and his appearance and even just hearing you doing an impression of him being warned twice not to take something back against his about his wife i'd be terrified in that situation he has that that sort of brooding intensity doesn't he that kind of speaks of real life experience oh my god i can let me just tell you a couple of stories one story i can tell you he was at a comedy club and um they were on it it was hard it was a headliners and chiswick i don't know what happened he kept looking at this one bloke i think he's a skinhead

and he goes no no no no no you don't mean that and i think there was a black woman who he had said something about he goes no mate sorry you gotta go you gotta go and he went into the crowd and he picked this bloke up who started struggling like look get off me go you gotta go you gotta go and he went into the crowd and he picked this bloke up who started struggling like look get off me go you gotta go and it was like a snake that grabs his creature and just he just literally put him on his feet and had his hands one hand on his neck one hand on his shoulder and literally lifted him up and you know how you those games you play, like you're a dad, you put your kid on your feet and you walk. He literally walked this person and this person's walking backwards with him and has been somehow disabled and he threw him out.

And he came back and he just went, sorry about that. Where were we? And he carried on telling jokes. I mean, he literally can do, I've seen it. There was once, let me tell you this story about Ricky. This is why my, if I'm nervous about him, I have every reason to be nervous. In 2002, we have the same management company. We went to the Edinburgh Festival. The same time, there was a show called Jerry Springer, the opera, which was written by Stuart Lee.

And what they had in the Edinburgh Festival, there was a little bubble that just said, Jerry, Jerry. And what they did, their company, won't mention their name. They put this bubble on other posters. Like they put it on my poster.

Like, it was quite harmless, but there's like, I'm saying like, see on me, this thing, but there's also Jerry, Jerry.

And they stupidly put this Jerry, Jerry bubble over Ricky's face, which is what you don't do. And I remember him saying to me, who are these people? That's out of order. I said, yes, Jerry Springer, the operator. He goes, what gives them the right to do this? They can't put it over my face.

Now they're going to have to either take these, peel them off, give me the money for disfigured posters that have been defaced, or replace every poster. And he said that very calmly. And as a joke, I said, well, you can see them tonight because we're all going to the BBC party. He goes, do you know who they are?

I goes, yeah, I know who they are. See that bloke over there and that bloke there, that's them. That's the ones putting it up. He goes, he went, thank you, Omid. I really appreciate it. And then I got to the party in the evening my manager who's taking care of us he's just quick quick you gotta come in ricky's ricky's got the bloke from jerry springer you gotta come and i said where where where and it was like the bbc party there was music it was quite dark and i

just saw a gaggle of blokes in the corner. There was like a group of men standing around. So I went to have a look. And in the middle, Ricky Grover had got this bloke, who I understand now to be one of the heads of this big production company. He had him by the lapels, face to face. And he just was saying, so what's it going to be? Are you going to replace them? Give me my money or peel them off.

And they were going, yes, Mr. Grover, I understand. We'll take them all off. So he goes, no, I want written confirmation. He goes, my secretary will have it written for you in the morning and they'll all be gone. And he literally had him. And there was a group of people around him so nobody could see. Now, I don't know who those people were.

Maybe they were his kind of cronies who just like donut around. So nobody could see it. So the party's not disturbed. But Ricky had grabbed this person, taken him over and had a little word. And that's the thing. He says, do you know what? Sometimes you've got to give people a little word. Or even worse, he'd say, sometimes you've got to take him for a little drive around that new forest

and that was the thing he goes i've taken for a little drive and that's the thing now if you're in his inner circle it's all right but when someone and a comedian says i have to take him for a little drive you know he's serious wow wow yeah being taken for a little walk around the island by ricky would be terrifying. I mean, it takes a scary sort of person, doesn't it? Because, I mean, if I adopted everything he did, it just would have no effect at all. I'd go, I'm going to have a word with you politely, and I'm going to give you the opportunity to take that back. People just go, fuck off, mate.

Yeah, fair enough. I've got nothing. I can't back that up. Just imagine if I was a really massive cockney. Is that working for you? No? Okay, I'll write a stern email. and just squeeze them in the elbow because they don't know what's happened. They're seeing a smile. They're seeing the pain. They're feeling pain. That kind of thing I can see can work because if you're in those circles and they're always trying to find somewhere, it's interesting to hear people talk like that from a masculine point of view. I don't want to promote toxic masculinity,

but I do know that people who have those things can. I said to him, do you use that? He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, sometimes. Because there was some bloke who, you know, he directed my film. And he goes, I won't have it. He's got to leave the business. Because I had a word with him.

He just felt his elbow. He goes, no, you're going to leave the business for five years. You've really messed up my film and you're not allowed to direct for the next five years until you've already done it. And you'll think and talk to yourself about what I've done wrong and just realise I can't do that again. I'm going to give you five years. And I go,

yes, Mr. Grover. It's amazing how they just get compliance immediately. I love it. Wow. Wow. That's amazing.

I mean, just imagining someone like Brad Pitt, as you've described him, how he's going to interact with someone like Ricky is quite an interesting idea. It's quite a clash of worlds. So that in itself is going to be a fascinating project, let's say. Yes, I don't think we would hate each other. I think it would be an interesting time if we just set aside the things that make us irritating. So if David doesn't keep taking pictures of his breakfast

and Brad doesn't, you know, work out all the time and Ricky doesn't threaten us, I think it could be an interesting time and a way of three guys really connecting. I can see Ricky Grover getting on very well with Brad Pitt, though. I think that's the thing, because when people are such opposites, I don't know if you've brought friends together who are such opposites, they usually get on.

It's interesting. I've had friends who are like, you know, really, you would never think there was one guy. Oh, my God. They loved him. There was one guy who was a film extra who was so different and weird. And I brought him to a dinner once where it was like people like Jenny Eclair and Griff Rhys Jones were there.

And this bloke was like, you know, he was the Pakistani Muslim born and raised, was born and raised. And they were just fascinated by him. And Jenny Eclair had just been burgled. She goes, I hate burglars.

Burglars are awful. I think we should bring back capital punishment to hang burglars. And this guy was smoking, going, I wouldn't give burglars a bad rap. Do you know what I'm saying? Because I'm a burglar. And I don't mean anything wrong. He goes, what do you mean you're a burglar?

He goes, no, listen, I'm a burglar, but I'm a Muslim as well. So I'm a Muslim burglar. I'm a Muslim burglar. How does that work? He goes, well, I don't burgle strangers. I burgle my mates because Allah wouldn't like it. Allah would not like it if you steal something of sentimental value. So I went in as a mate of mine, Australian geezer, works at the pub. I've been around his house.

I know what he likes. I know what he don't like. So I put the balaclava on, burgled his house. I took the cutlery and a couple of vases, but I left the persian carpet because his girlfriend gave it to him it's all right because he's a mate she goes he's a mate is he a mate now we went we've sort of drifted apart over the years and they he was couldn't be more different from the showbiz set but they absolutely loved him so

sometimes ricky grover and brad pitt would actually be quite a good amazing amazing well unfortunately we'll never know how how it pans out but you know if we do find yourself in this scenario maybe you can get a message in the bottle back to us i will send you up to the reports you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-N ads.com. Okay, well, on from the people then.

Mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? For me, my worst nightmare would be really hot curries because that's the thing. I even did a documentary about the chili because the chili is actually,

if it's used wisely, it's very good for you. The chili is very high in vitamin C. If you have a little bit of chili every day, it actually keeps colds away. People put it in curries in India and Pakistan. They don't usually get flu, actually, because the amount of vitamin C they have is is very high but i don't understand people who do you know chili challenges curries because i did a for the show i had to do a competition and it was so awful when you eat it you feel like you've eaten the sun and it's amazing

how quickly it shoots through you so i did it for the first time i went straight to the toilet 20 minutes later and the head of a toy soldier that i had swallowed in 1973 popped out i remember seeing i said what is that something shot out of me that i'd swallowed as a child and it was the head of a toy soldier that had been stuck in my intestines so actually in that sense you know they say a great diet is to eat as much as you can and then blow it out your ass. Actually, actually chilies, it does blow things out your ass that have been stuck in your appendix, stuck in your intestines for many, many years.

But I don't understand that food. And it's no excuse if they have it on a plane. So if there's all this plane food that is really, really hot, I just find it impossible to eat. And then there'll be nothing there to cool your mouth down it literally will take sometimes if you don't the taste stays in your mouth up to an hour and it burns your intestine so that's the that's my absolute worst i can't stand really really hot curries yeah there seems to be a real sort of fad these days like if you're on youtube there's you know you can find sort of chilli eating contests

and like people sort of going, oh, what's the spiciest sauce? And I've made one that's five times as spicy as the last one. And, you know, I like curries, you know, I have a fairly okay tolerance for spicy food. But, you know, I like it to be spicy within my tolerance. I don't want it to sort of hamper the enjoyment of a food, you know. So I don't understand when it's all just hamper the enjoyment of a food you know so it's i don't understand when it's all just like a big bet or something you know someone's going oh well you want to try this sauce then no i don't because it's obviously not it's not going to taste of

anything it's just going to be fucking unpleasant it's so unpleasant and that's the thing there is there is an element of it which is machismo because you never see women trying to do it it's all men i'm part of the documentary we go into this uh restaurant in canuck in the midlands and they put this capsaicin into a hot frying pan and the smoke that comes the gas and fumes that go into into the restaurant everyone ran out they ran out and i i went back in with a face mask because there was one bloke still sat there and i said don't you feel this thing is now I said why are you doing this you go anyway it's a challenge isn't it it's a challenge you know he made me laugh he's a big fat bald bloke did that he was so destroyed that the only challenge

left in his life was just to try and eat the kind of food no one else could tolerate so I don't see the point of it. And although I do understand there are some health benefits to it, but like everything else, there has to be moderation. Yeah, yeah. And also, I mean, imagine a curry from a plane that's also too spicy.

So it won't taste of anything. It would just be spice in like tiny little containers. So it would just be incredibly unsatisfying. And you always feel awful afterwards. If there's really bad plane food, you can really feel it. It's bad enough being in a cylinder and taking in the air of 300 other people but when you eat that food you just feel sick i'm very lucky that i take this green tea i

drink green tea every day just to flush my system it's like having a colonic every day it's incredible um whenever i've had that and i feel i've had to eat some you might as well put wood in your stomach but but food is so in but if anyone learns anything from this podcast i think they should know food is you you are what you eat and actually the more healthier i've been eating and the more higher quality produce you find that your skin get i'm in my mid-50s but they tell me about the skin of a 30 year old man is man. It's because I'm eating better produce. And what can actually kill you is pesticides. Like always when people give me like seedless grapes,

and they go, they're washed. I say, no, you've got to wash them a bit more because the pesticide will kill you. So when you put bad things in you, it can make you feel awful, and it actually will kill you. So make sure you eat good produce and you clean the produce so that's a that's my little educational thing i mean people can learn something from this yeah well no it's a good tip it's a good tip and yeah putting bad things in you doesn't come much worse than overly spiced plain food i think so i think that's a good choice what would you

attempt to wash it down with omid what would your drink choice be? I was given whiskey when I was a young kid by my dad because he wanted me to be put off. My dad used to drink, but he just didn't want his sons to drink. So from the age of two and three, he used to give me, I thought, what is this? So I've had this real aversion to alcohol. But I have realised that when someone puts something in my drink once, when I tasted it, I thought, what's this?

And I'm a big bloke, but it really gets you tipsy. I've never really been drunk, but people said, no, you were, because we put drink in your Coke, and there was some rum they put in there. I didn't really notice it, but I remember feeling it affected me very quickly.

And I was a very funny drunk, I must say. People say, you're hilarious. There are some people who become boring drunks, and I don't drink, but apparently I'm very funny. It's happened to me twice. And friends of mine say, you are. They're always plotting to try and get me drunk because apparently I'm hysterical when I'm a little bit tipsy.

And I worry about that because I'm already very entertaining. I go on stage, and, you know, you need a big energy to do like a 90-minute stand-up comedy show. And I think drink would ruin that. So I don't drink anyway. I don't drink for many reasons. And I don't like the taste. For me, if we were stuck on a desert island

and there was nothing but whiskey and vodka, it would be an absolute hell. But I would not drink it because I know it would dehydrate me and it would kill me quicker. In fact, I have to tell you, they did an experiment when it comes to drink and drugs. This is a quite interesting thing I got from Johan Hari's book, which is about mammals.

They put like a rat in a cage and they gave it two bottles, one bottle with water, the other bottle laced with cocaine. So the rat's alone and he kept drinking the water with cocaine. So after a while, he became dependent on that particular bottle and it died. Then they did, it died after about 48 hours. Then they did another experiment with 15 rats and they put it in a big cage with lots of hay, tubes, running wheels. And they put the two bottles, one with water, one with cocaine. And it was interesting that while they were together, they never even touched the water bottle with cocaine.

And it shows that we are communal animals. We want to be with other people. And once we do that, then we have no longer reliance on drink and drugs. And that's why your podcast is so interesting to me because when it comes to drink and food those things will become less important important if you connect with the other people now you what you've set up here is that you connect with people that you can't stand but i think the point of this podcast that even if you hate these people even if i was on with people who i don't

like like nigel farage or tory boy pierce or what the guys are yeah you would have to break through and you'd have to try and connect with those people because we're human beings and we will connect and i think that's what your podcast is about that even if you hate someone you can still connect with them and i think that's a very important thing you guys are doing yeah definitely and i think i mean the good thing is as well about this in that study is it means that if you did become a raging alcoholic on the island you could always blame the others because you could say well you're not enriching my life enough really that's true because you've allowed me to become this driving me to drink yeah exactly yeah so you know you've got a nice a nice uh scapegoat there so that's good as well that's a clever add-on very good okay omid now fortunately

you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Least favourite film. And that's a difficult one for me because I'm a huge fan of film. I only watch films that I like. If I don't like a film,

and these days with Netflix, you can, you know, if you look at my Netflix, it's things that I've watched, I've bailed after two minutes, three minutes. I bailed from one film after 40 seconds. So I'm not the kind of person who, if I don't like the opening credits

or if I don't like it, I'm off. But I'm going to choose a film which has now become my least favorite film because when I saw it in the cinema when I was 20 years old, it affected me so much. I had to be helped out the cinema because it was so affected me and that film was aliens um the sequel to alien which was the ridley scott film

james cameron did aliens and i was so anticipating and waiting for aliens we once alien hit in 78 all throughout the early 80s we heard they were doing a sequel and it eventually came out in 1986. So I waited eight years for this film and it affected me so much where there's a dream sequence where Sigourney Weaver believes that the alien is in her stomach

and it starts coming out. And I remember watching this going, oh my God, the lead actress is gonna die and then he realized it was just a dream she thought it was coming in here and the film kind of held me at that heightened tension all throughout and then when it finished I had to be carried out it was an action movie it really affected me now the reason why it's become my least favorite film is because if I'm channel flicking and i come across it i have to watch it even if i haven't got time even if i've got to go out somewhere i thought i'll just watch

the news five minutes you know i'm sick and tired and you just flip and even if aliens is showing like i've got to go out to a gig it's showing at 6 30 wherever it is i have to watch it to the end because it fills me with such emotions and it's annoying that people are you supposed to be on stage and give me one second i just want to watch the end of this and there's something about that film that just it's hooked me that even now we're talking my goodness that film is over nearly 40 years old that film but it's it it i can't not watch it. That's the thing. And I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate the way I know every word of that film. And I don't know why I have to watch it.

There's something in it I haven't worked out. It irritates me because there must be psychologically a reason why I watch it. I don't get anything out of watching it, but I just feel I have to watch it. And it irritates me. I thought, oh, God, I should just go on and don't watch it and i know it's a weird one because i don't hate the movie but i hate the fact that i'm so drawn to it and have to watch it from wherever and you know and it also irritates me the people in it i've met some of the people in it like paul reiser plays burke i don't know if you know the film he's the company man

and he was 28 he was a stand-up comedian at the time and i've become very close a good showbiz friend of mine i did his television series and i remember when he wants to meet me he goes let's skype and if you remember in aliens it's the first time we saw skype it's the very first time and it's it's it's very interesting that we see in the movie when Sigourney Weaver decides to go out to this planet. She, she Skypes Burke and Burke wakes up and she goes, so this is to go and kill right,

not to bring back and study. He goes, absolutely right. And so when we did this Skype, he goes, Hey, I mean, it's Paul.

And I went, Paul, I just want to be clear this project we're going to go to the planet and kill we're not going to bring it back to study and he went excuse me what he had no clue and then he goes aliens he goes what about it he goes well that's the first time

and we saw Skype was and he had no clue he had no idea he goes you know what? I've got very sketchy memories of that movie. I said, what? He goes, yeah, I was 28 and I was more, I was worried about my standup career and I was trying to get a sitcom off the ground.

And I remember just being irritated and we were in England and it was cold and I didn't like it. And I've actually kind of blocked a lot of that out of my brain. And he doesn't remember anything from it. He doesn't remember. And so I can't even ask him questions about what was Sigourney Weaver like? He goes, yeah, she's all right.

You know, what was the kid like who played Newt? He goes, she's all right. You know, he didn't. So the people in this iconic film don't, it never really impacted their lives in the same way. So that, that fight I find very irritating. So everything about it irritates me because it affected me so much, but no one else seems to think it was that great movie and no one else is

affected by it. I just mentioned aliens and no one said, well, what about it? So no, no one I'm irritated by the fact that no one is as affected by it, but the me, I keep putting clips out from it as well.

No one gives a shit. It's terrible. Oh, well, yeah, I'm a big fan of that film. And, you know, I'm maybe not as affected by it as you. You know, I could walk by a screen showing aliens and carry on my day. But I did watch it quite recently and it's still brilliant.

But a good friend of mine from uni, he, I think, was as affected by it as you because there was this sort of long-running thing where anytime if you'd been out to the pub or you'd been out for a party or whatever if he came back to your house he would then spend the rest of the night trying to get you to watch aliens that was always his end goal and then he would just talk through you know just word for word beat for beat just talk through every bit so So you're like, I love this guy. You spent six hours wearing me down to the point we're going to watch Aliens. And now I can't even enjoy the film because you're talking.

And so now even when I watch it, I can still hear him. You know, there's my friend Nick in the background, just sort of telegraphing everything that's about to happen. But now it's been so long, I quite like it for that as well. It's got like another layer of enjoyment, I think. Honestly, Dan, I see everything in terms in terms of alien like when the war happened with ukraine i kept sending messages like the russians do something you have to do something you know you can't just sit by and watch this happen so i tweeted a youtube clip of the scene where Lieutenant Gorman is watching on the

screens, all his soldiers being killed. And, and Ripley says, Gorman do something. And she goes on, she just then gets the truck and goes in and goes, what are you doing? And then he, and I put that out. I said, Russians, you need to be like Ellen Ripley. And I put it out. And with 309,000 followers, it got no retweets and no likes. There's one comment saying, what's the matter with you? Because I see everything in terms of the things that happen in that movie.

It's ridiculous. But I mean, you know, you on an island, it's just there. It's your only film. So are you going to be able to stop yourself watching it 24 hours a day? I won't be able to. I'll have to watch it all the time. And then I'll be irritating. And I'll be the one trying to get Brad Pitt

and David Baddiel to watch it. It's an amazing film. You've got to watch it with me. In fact, I remember when my kids were of a certain age, my daughter was like 14, but I had a son who was 10 and another son that was seven. I said, come on, guys, mum's out we're gonna watch aliens and my daughter said this film is an 18 i believe i said no it's not it's 15 she goes no it says here 18 he goes yeah you'll be all right she

goes no dad i can't let you you danny's my son danny's like you know he's seven and the other one's 10 you can't watch this i said look i've got a big bar of chocolate because no no and you're not gonna and my daughter took my other two sons away i said i just thought you're no fun let's start watching it's quite a good excuse getting rid of the kids and have an evening on your own yeah perfect okay well aliens is going to join you on the island uh what would your song choice be song choice would be um and it's i quite like the song but when things are used too much it begins to irritate me and um i know that if you flick through instagram reels it it sends you stuff that you have been watching and that's one thing i don't like about instagram because if you watch one thing, there's more of this.

So for some reason, I don't know why, but when I go on my Instagram, it's all, you know, lions eating people. It's all like animals chasing each other and, and women dancing to,

uh, yo, Charlie, it's your birthday. We're going to party like it's your birthday. We're going to drink Bacardi because it's your birthday. Cause we don't give a fuck about it. It's your birthday. We're going to party like it's your birthday. We're going to drink Bacardi because it's your birthday, because we don't give a fuck about it. It's your birthday.

And the thing is, it comes up on my Instagram reels every day about 15 times. And I know it's just me, and I probably liked it first, but this song irritates me. And what happens is that if people are not doing anything interesting with that song, I will flick away. And then I think the other day, it was the first time I threw my phone away from me. I just wanted to take a break.

And it was like, yo, Charlie. And then there was some woman put her phone there and she went away. And she just did a silly dance. And I said, oh, fuck off. And I just threw my phone away. And it was that song. It was that song that really irritated me and it was like I've had enough of that song now and it was just through overuse it's probably a really good song but it's just I'm sick and tired of it and I hope Instagram I don't know what to do to what I've got to go and

watch something else before the Instagram sends me all these things. Cause they send you all these things. So I don't know how to get, but, but, but, but I do like the song, but it just through repetition, it's annoyed me.

Yeah. And also on the Island as well, you, after a while, you wouldn't even know if it was your birthday where you, one day you're like, I think it is actually my birthday. And then I start playing the song and you're like,

no, no, no. Can we not play it on my birthday this time? I think the, I think the, on one of the most important things in life is is variety and diversity i understand what people are pushing towards diversity because white people are sick and tired of just being with white people black

people are sick and tired of just being with black people there's there's something to be said for the energy of diversity and the energy of of different tastes of music and different types of food. That is, I think, our strength as a species. Really, the older I get, the more I appreciate diversity, actually, and how if things are the same and monotonous, boredom, I always try and avoid boredom. That's the one thing I haven't felt since 1985. I was bored one day. I thought, I never want to be bored. So there's no excuse to be bored just do something different and i think that is the the lesson from this discussion here is that variety and diversity is the spice of life yeah definitely definitely okay now omid we've got one thing left now and then i'm gonna set you free into the world

to try and think about situations that aren't terrible for your health but finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why oh cats definitely cats there's no question cats the biggest dicks ever i've had nothing but cats and they don't like me they've never liked me we shouldn't say this but if you ever want to have a good relationship with a woman you can never like with a cat you want to grab a cat and stroke it like come here i want to stroke you cats don't do that you need to woo them you need to be very gentle with them stroke them very gently you know attract them to you that's the that's what you need that's the whole lesson of cats that you have to, you have to be attractive for a

cat to come to you, which is annoying because all you want is like sit here, let me stroke you or play with you, you know, and they are the most selfish people. I remember just walking my, I was gonna walk my cat to, to a neighbor once, kind of leave the cat there and it just scratched me. And I thought you son of a bitch, I've been, I've raised you since you were like nothing i've given you food and i'm just walking you out i'm stroking you and you don't like it and you scratch me that's the thing that's the thing i i can't stand about cats they're so disloyal i love loyalty that's one thing i'm very loyal i've been with the same blind manager for about 27 years

he's so blind he'll voice text me he goes i'm at this party i'm with idris elba i said from luther he goes yeah so what's he like he goes sorry it was moira stewart and he doesn't he's so blind he can't see when i get there it was diane abbott so it's i'm loyal to him even though he's blind as a bat and he makes so many mistakes. I'm loyal to him. So the reason why I don't like cats, the most disloyal, faithless animals, and they never repay you. They never give you affection. Whereas a dog is the complete opposite. The dog will be thankful.

But a cat is unless you give me food and unless you look after me, I will scratch you. And I just, that's, I'm done with cats. I even put a cat video of a cat playing football and scoring a goal i put it on because it was funny to me but you know they're they're the one animal that i really can't stand yeah i mean i've always had cats i've got a cat now and he's so i had to take him to the vet recently he's developed this thing he's 10 years old yeah and he's just started pooing in the house trying to work out what's going on i took him to the vet and i was saying is it because this do you think

this has happened blah blah and and this is a vet who knows everything about animals he just went thing is cats are just mental so you know could be anything and i was like and but you're the imagine if you had that from a doctor you're just just like, what's going on with me, doctor? It's like, wow, humans, complicated, isn't it? Right. That's a great answer. Yeah. But, yeah, so I get that. And especially, you know, if you're on the island, you're going mad.

It'd be nice to have a little animal to cuddle now and again. But if that animal just wants to tell you to sod off all the time. It'd be bugger off. That cat would be buggered off. That's why I would never. I mean, yeah. I mean, if there was a cat there, we wouldn't see it.

We wouldn't see it at all. We only come around sniffing for food and, you know, basically cats can piss off as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, that's fair. And I'm a cat lover and I agree. So fair enough.

There you go. Omid, I've got to say, your choices throughout have been both interesting and just brilliantly picked. So you've done a great job here on Desert Island Dicks today. So thank you so much for coming on.

You've got a tour that's going on at the minute that seems to stretch forever. I mean, it seems like just a thousand-date tour that you've got. You're booking me up. What can I do? The tour was supposed to end in April, but they're booking in more dates for April and July and October and September. It's going all the way until the Shepherds Bush Empire on the 2nd of

December, where the tour will definitively finish. So come to come to the, if you're in London, come to the Shepherds Bush Empire, 2nd of December. And if you're not in London, then I mean,

pretty much you're going to be able to get tickets to most places. Cause there's, I mean, there's so many dates. So it's, it's perfect. I'm coming to a Nazi enclave to you very soon brilliant omid thanks again so much for coming on desert island dicks today it's been a pleasure thanks daniel so there you go i hope you enjoyed that one i had a great time recording it and uh yeah we're

going to be back next week with more desert island dicks as well we've got some great guests already recorded for this series so i think you're going to enjoy them um desert island dicks is a sync clap production it was created by j Deacon. You remember him? He used to host it. Lovely guy. It was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus. Our editor is Chris Attaway. He does a fine job. Social media support comes from Jason

Leitch and Chinsey Clinton. That's not his real name. And a special mention as always to the legends that are Grand Bamster Flash and John Deacon. Thank you so much for listening. We really appreciate your support so I hope you enjoyed it and continue to enjoy Desert Island Dicks

and until we next meet, have a dick free week.