Desert Island Dicks - PAT SHARP

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Radio host, broadcaster and Fun House legend Pat Sharp joins Dan to talk about the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks, and I'm all jittery and excited because it's Friday night and lockdown's finished and the pubs are open if you're ordering substantial meals. And I'm excited and a bit wobbly. So I'm going to try and focus on the matter in hand, which is that this episode features radio presenter, DJ, broadcaster

and legendary host of Funhaus, Pat Sharp. And I was pretty excited to speak to Pat. I think it could only be topped by having a go in the actual Funhaus, but due to many, many reasons I won't go into that's not possible but instead i'll happily have him on this podcast to hear him talk about the worst people and things to be stuck on an island with and let me tell you his drink choice is particularly controversial in my opinion if you enjoy the show and would like to get involved yourself then every week me and former host james deacon put out compact d, a shorter episode where you can tell us all about the stuff that gets on your tits.

Just go to dickspod.com slash contact and tell us. Also, I'm contractually obliged to urge you to subscribe and leave us a review, and then you'll never miss an episode. I'm not actually contractually obliged. I don't have a contract, but it is really helpful, so we appreciate it a lot. Right, that's enough out of me. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Pat Sharp. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is radio and TV presenter and DJ, and for anyone of my generation, host of Funhouse, Pat Sharp. How are you doing? Well, I'm very good. Thanks for the big intro there, Dan. Thank you. Not at all, not at all. It's great to have you on. Now, Pat, normally, obviously, we hear you being quite upbeat and, you know,

ebullient on TV and radio and things like that. So, I mean, are you genuinely an upbeat person? Did you find it difficult choosing a load of dicks for the island today? It's funny you mention that actually because I did. I went through it with my wife and I was thinking well I kind of like everybody. I'm sort of a genuinely you know nice to be important more important to be nice type person and I get on with most people so I did find it a little bit difficult to to come up with a few dicks but I've done it. There are some dicks out there. Okay good. Well I know you're a busy man so let but I've done it. There are some dicks out there.

Okay, good. Well, I know you're a busy man, so let's get straight into it. Who's going to be your first person to be stuck on the island with? Well, this is where I found it slightly problematic to choose the actual person, because I thought I might offend a person who I was in the jungle with when I did I'm a Celeb back in 2011. So, you know, even though I didn't get on all that well with him, and it's a him, not a her, I thought I wouldn a Celeb back in 2011. So, you know, even though I didn't get on all that well with him, and it's a him, not a her, I thought I wouldn't mention his name again just to give him extra publicity of being a dick. So I'm sure he knows who he is. We'll leave him.

So let me start by saying somebody from another reality show, but it could be anybody from that, any male Love Island contestant. OK, cool. I'm sure there'll be a lot of people with you on that one. What is it particularly about them that annoys you so much? Well, it's jealousy on my part that they're all so super buff and strong and handsome and young

and all the things I aspire to at my age. But it's difficult to be young at my age, isn't it? I'm going to turn 60 next year, so there you go. Unbelievable. Yeah, well, believable for me, fingers crossed um the guys who are on that show they always strike me as being a little bit too much in love with themselves and they should kind of go with the flow a little bit and relax a bit and chill and not just have it all about their their abs and their their look so uh any of them you know not really in my book

and wouldn't want to be on a desert island with them because obviously they'd have their tops off and would look so much better than me. So they're all dicks from my point of view. Well, that's a fair point. I mean, the other thing is on a desert island, I imagine, you know, when you all need to sort of band together and get useful things done, like find a shelter and food

and things like that, I can imagine they're still going to be there sort of tweezing every last hair out of their chests or their eyebrows or anything like that. And, you know, you be however you want to be, but when it's time to muck in, I think that's just going to be a real irritation when you're like, oh, you broke a nail, I don't care, go and fetch me some coconuts, you know?

Absolutely, and what a lovely bunch of coconuts they would fetch, especially with the other people on the show. But I do think that maybe the next time they get to do Love Island, because obviously there wasn't one this year, what they should do is just surprise them very slightly by making all the contestants on I'm a Celeb swap places. So the Love Islanders have to go to the jungle and deal with loads of cockroaches all over them.

I think that's very fair. I think I find Love Island such a strange programme because obviously they're so sort of hyper-concerned of their appearance and things like that. But it's weird because if I was sort of trapped with a group of people for that long, my standards would slip so fast, you know. So I think, I mean, in a way it's commendable

that they still keep up the pretense of all the pruning and tweezing and things like that but it just seems weird like they never go anywhere so they'll spend all day kind of getting ready and putting on makeup so that they can wear a swimwear and then they spend a long time getting ready for the evening but they don't go anywhere they're not going out they're still in the same place you know it's like in um in the old days and sort of you know the aristocracy when they get dressed for dinner into a tuxedo and you're like but you're still with the same people it doesn't really make any sense you know yeah liking your thinking there i mean they do a little bit off p stand i can remember from the few times i have seen it and it's been on the background that they do take them off sometimes in a car somewhere and they're

somewhere in the middle of nowhere sort of having a dinner at a at a strange table with a tablecloth in the middle of a you know sort of a mountain pass or something in boiling sunshine overlooking the sea but they do a few sort of mini trials as well don't they where they do get a bit messy during the day sometimes all of them do muck in but as you say you know for me it's just uh like yourself i would probably just be more relaxed and let myself be me and, you know, take me for who I am, not necessarily how I look. And I think on a desert island, they would look far too fabulous. So they would be in my way and I wouldn't be able to get anywhere near their style or their beauty. So I would have to call them dicks and just go and hide myself on another part of the island. I agree. I think it's problematic for all kinds of reasons

um so fair enough they're going to join you on the island and who's going to be your second choice well as i say they would join me on the island but we would definitely be in separate parts i would hopefully not have to bump into them at all and uh they would be showing me up second choice i would go for somebody pretty topical at the moment would be matt hancock yeah yeah absolutely now i mean obviously i'm sure everyone listening can understand why you've picked him but just pretty topical at the moment would be Matt Hancock. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Now, I mean, obviously, I'm sure everyone listening can understand why you've picked him. But just for anyone who's, who's, you know, blissfully unaware, run us through your feelings against Matt Hancock. Okay, so Matt Hancock is the is the self secretary, the health secretary,

as you probably know, and he has got shifty eyes and he often answers a question with so. And anybody who starts an answer with the word so means they're not going to give you an answer. If you look at any politician on television or radio and you listen to them, they will always say so. What I'm saying is and then they'll go off on a sidetrack and they will never answer the question. And he permanently doesn't answer questions directly i just want someone to answer piers morgan or anybody who's on television who says to a politician have you got it wrong and they just should go yeah yeah but we tried our best but it's a yes i'm just saying yes we and that's people would respect them so much more for their honesty nobody knew about this pandemic Nobody knew how to deal with it.

It's happened, and they're dealing with it the best they can. Why would they not want to deal with it the best they can? Of course they're trying their best. So just answer. We're trying our best. If you think you could do better, I'm sorry, you're not in power. We are. So at the end of the day, we are going to try our best, and that's what we're doing.

So leave it and stop picking on us and picking on us and picking on us and let it go. But he shiftily, with his funny little eyes, be beady eyes sort of looks at the camera and goes so what we're doing is and just just answer honestly be honest that's all anybody wants to hear honesty yeah there's a weird thing of kind of with him of sort of ineptitude but also sort of he still sort of has a self-belief it's like no we're doing everything we can but i won't sort of give you a full answer but i but i'm not getting it's like we can see that you're not getting it right as you say what people would respect them more if you just went look i mean dealing with this is a it's a shit show this is really tricky i don't

know what i'm doing but you know every day is different and hopefully we'll get it right because i think it's often with politicians you get ones you get the sort of clueless ones like matt hancock seems to be and you get the ones who just sort of sometimes seem a bit more vindictive because they think well look who cares about that lot we're just going to do what we think is right i don't know what's worse really if like someone gets it someone's kind of ruling badly from their sort of ideological standpoint or just if they're just sort of bumbling

along. I can never sort of work out which is the more offensive kind of version to be. I think it's a tricky one to deal with Dan because at the end of the day if you've got Labour who are at Prime Minister's question time or wherever they have to have a dig at the Conservatives then they would be much better off at the moment just trying to help them

and putting all their powers together to get a good result and bring the pandemic to a close and make it all happen and just help instead of digging all the time. It's a difficult one for Matt Hancock, but he makes the list because he just won't be honest with anybody, not necessarily his opposing party, but even the public when they put a question up for the public and they just sidetrack it and go round and round and say so. And if I hear anyone start the start a sentence with the word so, you just know it's not going to be the truth or the correct or right genuine answer they should be giving as in yes or no. I don't think any politician ever says yes. I mean, quite often they say no, no, no, no, that's not right,

and then they go off on a sidetrack again. But I've never heard one say, yeah, you're right, spot on, absolutely, next. Yeah, and also just sometimes admitting your fault, or just saying that you don't know is such a valuable thing to sort of say, well, look, I don't know, but we're going to look into it and find out because that's probably what you want me to do rather than just saying, this is what I think. And then you have to hold on to that answer

or that opinion for the foreseeable future because otherwise people say, oh, well, you're contradicting yourself now. If you just said, you know, we've got to look into it. I don't know yet, but I'm only human. I think that might sort of be a decent start agreed but they won't do it because they know that what they say on that videotape or whatever you call it that hard drive or indeed on that that audio for a radio station they know it will be there forever and they know within two minutes it'll be on the

internet and splashed everywhere so they just can't ever admit guilt because it's apparently not the done thing if you're in power yeah yeah i agree and so on a desert island setting i think you know when your survival hinges on each other's uh you know capabilities and kind of coordination um you know you need accountability if it's like who ate the last of our rations and you've got someone you can't quite trust or sort of hold to account that's going to sort of complicate things i think yeah he's a bit shady that matt hancock it would definitely be him who'd be in the last bit and saying so uh it was uh this man just came out of the uh out of the sea and uh etty and then uh went back and swam in i mean i didn't see anybody no it wasn't me yeah or you know if you sort of said now, Matt, we're going to divvy up the jobs.

And he says, well, I'll take, you know, I'll be in charge of rations and logistics because I've got a bit of experience doing that. You know, with the pandemic and my work as health secretary. And he'd be like, oh, Matt, I don't know if I, maybe you could build a shelter. Is that OK? You'd sort of run the risk of offending him. But also at some point have to say, Matt, you know, you're a good pair of hands for doing something useful and manual, but you're kind of inept when it comes to logistics. So if you don't mind, we're going to put you over here doing something else.

And then you've got an offended former MP on your hands, and then that's going to sort of sour the mood slightly. Well, that's fine, because at the end of the day, we've got the Love Island male contestants who could take over all the logistics because they're extremely bright so it'd be fine fair enough fair enough now uh who's going to be the third person joining the three of you uh right so i don't know which love island male contestant i've chosen but it's uh mr butch guy uh it's matt hancock and the last one would be Robinson Crusoe. Interesting. Because I think technically he's pretty good on an island and would know basically everything and could build things and just be,

you know, he could dick around, but he would be one of the good guys, I think, to have on there. Yes, I suppose so, yeah. I mean, so I was looking him up earlier, and he is from the 1700s, if we take the point at which we learned about Robinson Crusoe. So it's a very old book. I wonder if despite his... That's my era. That's me. That's me. I'm old.

I wonder, though, if he might... Bringing him up to the year 2020 when you're abandoned, I mean, I think that's going to cause some conflicts. I think it's going to be a tricky one. It's useful, you know, once he's built the shelter, I think after his, you know, the actual sort of useful bits of his job are done, I think he might be quite difficult to live with. That's a good point. That's a very good point.

But having built the shelter, it wouldn't matter too much because I could basically lock him out and look down at him on the beach at night. And I would be up in the shelter on my desert island as built by Robinson Crusoe with a 10-year NHBC warranty. So what's not to like? Okay. It's an interesting take on things, Pat, I've got to say. I think, though, what's going to end up happening, you've got Robinson Crusoe.

So he's a guy who's very good at surviving, but from the year 1700. And most of your time, I think, is going to be taken up with trying to explain to him what a Love Island contestant is, because there's going to be so much lost in translation there. I think that's going to cause quite a sticking point for you. It's quite hard to explain who a Love Island contestant is to somebody these days, to be honest with you, anybody.

So I'm going, OK, so Robinson, you know, you remember the theatre? Yeah, so it's a bit like a theatre, but it's in your homes. And on that theatre, they have these people who try to sleep with each other. No, they're not married. I know that's going to cause offence to you. You know, and it's just going to go on and on. And every time you go, right, now now about this shelter robinson what do you think and you're like but just one more thing you know why are they so smooth and shiny what's happened to all their hair it doesn't matter that's just that's just young people these days that's how

they've evolved yeah so you say to robinson as you said you know remember the theater this is the theater of dreams and it's not old trafford it actually is the love island contestant um i don't know i mean look he'd probably get the hang of that he definitely wouldn't get the hang of matt hancock though and as long as he built me a good shelter i would be up there in my very own desert island fun house so it doesn't matter who else is down there it's absolutely fine as long as i look down on my subjects okay fair enough fair enough now pat mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad well i had a bundle of choices

here i was thinking uh oysters are no fun for me they're a bit slimy and slithery and brussels sprouts are horrendous on christmas day if they sit on the plate that's where they stay and mushrooms i never have either they're just oh the thought of any kind of mushroom for me is horrible so i'm happy to choose any of those i don't know which one i go for really um which one do i dislike most if i was on a desert island probably oysters i think maybe yeah oysters yeah because i think i mean i suppose you know they're good in terms of they've got protein and you know that's useful but i mean it's i really you know what with oysters i really want to like them because they feel glamorous and sort

of sexy and you know it's a bit like doing a shot but in food form and i quite like the idea of that it sort of seems it's one of those foods that you know like if you don't like it you almost feel like i don't know i'm not kind of classy enough or something but i've tried them and it's you've got this big thing it's stuck in your mouth and people it's like am i meant to chew this up it's like oh no not really just give it a little a little bite and then swallow it down and i'm like this is this is physically uncomfortable it doesn't taste very nice and like and now i'm sort of gagging in polite company it's it's i don't know i don't understand them

well you say they're meant to be a sexy food they are an aphrodisiac aren't they apparently but i mean me smelling a fish and gagging i don't think is is particularly sexy it's probably someone's dream i don't know well there we are. They're no doubt served in that restaurant, Sexy Fish. There is a restaurant, isn't there, Sexy Fish? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I think also, I mean, on a desert island, you know, shellfish, you've got to be very careful with them because, you know, it can quite easily come a cropper if you get something that's like slightly, you know, past its best before date, which, you know, it might be quite difficult to tell if if if it is good or

bad hmm well a lot of the uh the love island contestants don't know which one i've got on the island but um whoever he is he's well past his uh sell by date and you mentioned um the shellfish as well at the end of the day if you stole all the oysters and you really liked them say robinson crusoe ate them all because he was quite excited at this uh that would be very shellfish of him very good very good thank you for laughing thank you for laughing thank you i think though with oysters as well i think there's some foods that you could not like but you could sort of get by on you know like if it's uh i don't know something fairly innocuous like i don't know baked beans or something i'm not particularly fond of them but you know if you had to live on them you probably could whereas oysters to eat enough oysters to live on live off i think would just be such a

difficult job agreed but they are a delicacy as well so it'd be very expensive to live on oysters it would be a pricey sort of meal to be buying two three times a day wouldn't it yeah definitely i think also you know getting them out the shell is difficult i just i don't think there's any easy part of eating an oyster like you have to use a sharp knife to open them up then you've got to swallow it whole i just the whole thing is unpleasant it's an unattractive prospect, hence the fact that it's part of my hatred here in this podcast. And I've never really had them. I sort of sniffed one and gone right off them from there and never had one slimily, slitheringly down my throat.

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And what's your drink choice? What would you try and wash the oysters down with? Well, on the sort of naff drinks front, probably any alcohol because I don't drink alcohol, never have done, not interested, don't like the taste of it, not for any reasons, but I just don't enjoy it, so I don't do it. I might occasionally have a shandy or something or a white wine spritzer with a tiny bit of wine

and a lot of lemonade as in the shandy with the beer as well but I would say tea, definitely tea because I have technically never drunk a cup of tea I've had a sip by mistake when it's been on the side next to my coffee and I've picked up the wrong mug but in general I've never had a cup of tea it just can't bear it Wow, I've never had a cup of tea. It just can't bear it. Wow.

I mean, that's a pretty controversial choice, Pat, as far as drinks choices go, I think. I mean, and you've never really had a cup of tea. That's extraordinary. Everybody is always amazed by this, Dan. And no, I can safely say on my children's lives, I have never had a cup of tea and hope I never do. It comes all the way back to the 1960s.

And if you Google this for some of your younger listeners, Google the word teas made, one word, teas made. And a teas made was basically a small machine that you poured water into, a bit like a coffee machine now that you would get, like an espresso or whatever. And it sat by the side of your bed as parents. And in the 60s, my mum and dad would wake up and it would be plugged in and they would literally flick the switch. And next to it would be a cup and a tea bag. I guess it was a tea bag. If not, it would be a pot of tea that you made with the actual tea leaves. But either way, it warmed the water, and you could either pour it then into the pot and then make your tea or pour it straight into the cup with your teabag. And it was just a way of having a cup of tea in bed before you got out of bed so you didn't have to go downstairs to the kitchen

or into the kitchen if you were sleeping downstairs, whatever. So a tea's made was very big in the 60s. So I can remember walking into my mum and dad's room, you know, when they woke up and I woke up before I went to school and I could see them drinking a cup of tea and I could just smell the tea and think, oh, what a way to start the day.

Who wants that kind of smell? The smell of tea is off-putting enough without having to actually drink the stuff. Horrendous. I feel like as someone who is such an avid tea drinker, I mean, normally I'm quite good at being a devil's advocate. And just, you know, even if I disagree with with a guest's choice, I'm usually quite good at sort of finding finding bad, bad things about it to go along with. I'm struggling a little bit because I genuinely really like tea.

But, yeah, I mean, I suppose there's a thing of like having a hot a hot drink on an island isn't that pleasant I mean they say it does cool you down you know if you have a hot drink in a hot climate because it sort of makes you sweat but I always find that a bit unpleasant because it's sort of I suppose it does make your body cool down overall but you don't actually feel the you know relief like you would if you just turned on a fan or something like that. So, I mean, from that point of view, it'd be pretty unpleasant. I always wondered why anybody would ever drink, when I was a kid, why anybody would ever drink a cup of tea or a coffee or have a cigarette on a boiling hot day on the beach. But people do.

They go and grab a coffee or a tea and they have a fag as well. Very odd because you just associate them all with being obviously hot. I've never seen anybody have a hot chocolate on the beach. That's a good point. Certainly on my desert island, I would not be having a tea, nor indeed when I escape off the desert island would I ever have one again, because I never have, and I never will. Of all the bits of this podcast,

no matter what controversial thing you say from here on out, the thing that would really get the newspapers bristling if if they were to find out about it was pat sharp has never drunk a cup of tea i think that's uh that's an extraordinary takeaway point it really is for somebody quintessentially english or british isn't it you expect everybody you know do you want tea i'm serving tea i mean even if you're watching The Crown at the moment, you know, when they have had the episode, if you haven't seen it, sorry, spoiler alert, where Michael Fagan turns up on the Queen's bed and breaks into Buckingham Palace a couple of times and just sits on the end of her bed because he's disgruntled with the system and he's not earning any money and can't see his

kids and blah, blah, blah. And he's sitting on the end of the bed chatting with the Queen for 15, 20 minutes or so. And then in comes her lady-in-waiting with her tea for the morning because she's just woken up. And she walks in holding this tray with the tea on it. And the Queen looks at Michael Fagan and goes, well, I really must go. That's my tea. My tea's arrived. So I know that you've broken in and it's quite annoying. And you could be murdering me at any minute. But quite frankly, you'll have to go because your time's up because my tea's arrived and everything stops for my morning tea. Yeah this is about the most English excuse you can give isn't it? Yeah absolutely. Yeah fair enough. Okay well Pat fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time, and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? Well, I've done many in-flight entertainment shows over the years, both audio and visual, and always good fun to make programmes that people hear and see on aeroplanes. So if I'm stuck on this desert island and the system is still working, as you say, I would have to choose my worst ever film. It's a Bond film, and some of the Bond films are my best ever films, which is almost ironic that this one happened to be the worst.

I remember going to the premiere at the time with a radio station I was working at, and they put a premiere on on and I went and introduced it and everybody was so excited. People turned up in tuxedos and the women were all super glamorous in their Bond girl dresses. I think there was someone even turned up in a bikini. So it was a strange one, that scene. It was a winter's night.

But yeah, this film, at the end, I think people glared at me for making them come along to what was a charity screening and they had to pay quite a lot of money to see the film up front, whereas they would never have paid the regular box office money to go and see it at any time. It was that dreadful. And that film is Quantum of Solace.

What does it even mean? What is that all about? And it was the most... Who could name the baddie in Quantum of Solace? Who could name the storyline? I quantum of solace who could name the storyline i mean it's not exactly view to a kill or man with a golden gun or thunderball or dr no or the spy who loved me or etc etc it's the worst bond film ever i can remember nothing about it yeah i can't remember i can remember scenes and kind of sort of you know i can remember stills of

it like you know sort of various settings where it took place and you know big building on fire in the desert but yeah i can't really remember any details or why it happened yeah and yeah quantum of so i mean usually the sort of die another day or you only live twice there's a sort of formula i mean bond films by their nature are very formulaic aren't they you know and uh but with was kind of... I think because they were trying to buck the trend a bit and do a sequel to the one that came before, weren't they? And, yeah, it just felt a bit flat. Yeah, Casino Royale was the one before that, wasn't it? Yeah, and I think that was OK.

That was the first Daniel Craig one, wasn't it? Yeah, the best one was Skyfall. That was brilliant. Yeah, that was good. I just, yeah, I think often for such an iconic franchise, there's a lot of Bond films that are kind of, you come out and you go, yeah, six out of ten. You know, fine, past the time, but didn't quite, you know, not going to stand up as its own film, you know.

Yeah, I suppose you're right. I mean, there are some, you you know you can mention octopussy and people would go don't really remember i've heard the name yeah um but then there's the classics and the ones that do stand out from the crowd i mean diamonds are forever it's fantastic you know the last real sean connery movie that's fantastic so is on a majesty secret service the one that george lazenby did the one-off that he did i thought that was great but quantum of solace no not for me and indeed the one that followed that as well. I can't remember what that one was called. It was like a mixture of all

the Bond films. It was just not very well done either. But everybody's waiting on tender hooks for the new one, aren't they? They just can't wait for... I've forgotten the name now, whatever it's called. No Time to Die. No Time to Die, that's it.

It's been so long waiting for this. Who knows when it's going to be out. Obviously it's going to be out that's it. But it's been so long waiting for this. Who knows when it's going to be out? Obviously, it's going to be out sometime in 2021, but it's been delayed already. It'll probably be about a year behind by the time it comes out. So I think a lot of people will go and see that. Yeah, although I'm kind of expecting, doing this podcast in 2021,

at some point people to start saying that film because apparently they postponed it for so long to try and get the most box office the biggest box office impact possible a lot of people are saying that it could have really helped the cinema industry in this this difficult time and they've kind of really driven a nail into the the the cinema industry by sort of holding off on this guaranteed you know box office uh smash so i think I'm curious to see what the reaction is to it when it finally comes out because I think a lot of people, you know, it rubbed people up the wrong way already.

So we'll have to see. I don't think people will boycott it for that reason. They'll still want to see it, just that nobody can see it. You know, there's no pirate copy of it out there, thank goodness. So we'll just have to wait until the cinemas are open and until the cinemas are safe. I wouldn't want to go to a cinema at this moment to be honest with you so um let's wait until it's all safe and we can go in there and all uh rattle our popcorn and smash those nachos and go

while we're watching a film because i mean after all that's not annoying at all is it no fair enough and um what would your song choice be? I mean, this is interesting given that, you know, you're decades as a DJ both on air and live as well. Yep, okay. So a fantastic song that I would love, but I can't love because it's all about dicks, would be Jump by Van Halen. So I'll go for something similarly titled Jump Jump by Chris Cross.

Awful record. Only lyrics in the whole song jump jump jump jump jump jump oh my goodness what a load of old pap and have you been forced to play this a lot of times in in your career no i was never forced to play it because the uh the radio stations that i worked at at the time that that was out weren't really formatted to be playing that kind of music so I was never forced to have to repeat play it on a playlist over and over again for days and days and weeks and weeks and months and months and then there's a recurrent where it

kept coming back but it has cropped up now and again on classic features and stuff so you know if it's a hit from so and so whichever year it was, 90s I think sometime, it might crop up as a hit on a classic rerun. But in general, I would never play it at one of my live gigs, no, but it just sticks in the back of my mind as being endlessly monotonous

and extremely dull and boring and annoying. Yeah, now you come to think of it, I can't think of any words apart from jump in there. And when you think of crisscross i remember like the famous thing about them as their gimmick was that they wore all their clothes backwards and i feel like when you're getting to that stage of a of a band you know when you think okay here's the point of difference though number one they're kids number two they wear their clothes backwards and you think well you're really scraping the barrel here

i mean if the if their talent was slightly greater maybe you wouldn't have to fall back on such a ridiculous gimmick and imagine turning up and going right you're going to be in this this great new band you're called crisscross and here's the thing you're wearing your clothes backwards you know what all the time forever i mean like how do I go to the toilet? This is a nightmare. And eventually, of course, that is what happens to their career. It just goes backwards. Yeah, I think I remember... I mean, I remember it coming out when I was at school,

but I don't remember anything else from them. I think some people had... You know, it was still in the days where if you liked a single, you'd buy the album, but I don't remember anyone ever playing me anything off the album saying this is great though listen to this other song by crisscross in fact that sentence has never never been spoken by anyone i don't think listen to this other great crisscross track yeah i defy anybody listening now to name another great crisscross track because there isn't one anyway because jump jump is just awful oh good good and um pat finally

the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why well it's more of an insect but i hope you'll accept this it would be um it would be lots of because they're always uh in gangs cockroaches yes yes i mean these are one of the things i hate the most in the world i just i don't understand the point of them um what's your particular beef with cockroaches well it goes back again to doing the jungle in 2011 when i left the jungle i wasn't voted out i was in a head-to-head challenge with fatima whitbread and it was shown on tv recently again as one of the most watched pieces of television in that year. It came second behind us on the voting front from Will and Kate's kiss on the balcony when the royal wedding took place. So just behind that was Fatima Whitbread doing a head-to-head challenge where a cockroach and 7,000 or 6,999 other cockroaches were put into that giant goldfish bowl that they

put over the people's heads when you do the jungle and they pour them all in there and you have to just deal with them all sort of flying around the smell from cockroaches is horrendous it really is just the most horrible smell you can ever imagine if you've ever you know had one in some horrible apartment somewhere abroad in a hot place and there's a cockroach, oh, the smell's disgusting. And one of the cockroaches that was in her goldfish bowl went up her nose. Oh, my God. And got trapped up her nose. If you just put F-A-T-I-M-A into YouTube, it comes up Fatima whitbread cockroach and it's just um you know she's an olympic champion

and and all sorts of done loads of great things in her life throwing the javelin and there's a real hero and yet that's the first thing that comes up when you google her so um you know it went up her nose and um dr bob eventually came in after the uh the goldfish bowl was taken off her head and had to syringe some fluid up her nostril, which then made the cockroach finally come out the nostril, not that way, but through her head and come out of her mouth, where she actually sicked it up and went like that, and it came out of her mouth.

So if you watch it, it will make your head turn, and I was next to do the challenge. So I had to watch that for 20 minutes even though it's only a couple of minutes on the telly and I had to watch that and to look at it and think to myself I'm next and and had to work out a way to try and close my nostrils and of course you can't if you try and breathe in and close your nostrils you can only do it for about two seconds because as soon as you breathe out they open so um it was for me cockroaches will always be a living nightmare and uh even though i did get through it without one going

up my nose it was uh still a pretty horrendous ordeal and i'll never ever forget that smell i yeah i'm not surprised i mean that's i mean especially having to go second as well i mean i they're one of the animals i hate most in the world so just even thinking about that i mean i find it very difficult to watch things like that for that reason because i've got such a phobia about them but i mean to watch that and then know that you're going to have to do it i mean that's that's psychological torture yeah it really is but that's the whole idea with the jungle you know they pay you good money so if you you go in there, you should embrace the trials. And if that's what they throw at you, then that's what you've got to do.

Otherwise, don't do the show. I think as we've seen this year with that guy, Jordan North, you know, he's pretty much only seen a couple of episodes, but he seems pretty terrified of everything so far, unless of course he's playing a game and just pretending it to get the viewers on his side. I'm not sure he might be, he might not. I haven't seen enough to, to to uh really warrant giving uh an answer to that as to whether um as to whether he is um playing the system well i do know that

because he he featured on this podcast a while ago a few months ago and he said that his worst animal was a snake so i know that he's definitely scared of snakes about the other things i couldn't really say but i think the snake phobia is definitely a real thing. Yeah, well, fair enough. Then if he's dealing with the trials and he's getting on with it, even though they really do disturb him, the bit where he was crying and he was sick at the top of that cliff because he had to climb down the cliff because he doesn't like heights, you've got to feel sorry for the guy.

But then don't do a show like that if you know that you're going to be... Because when you do that show, they give you a form to fill in saying what are your biggest phobias, what don't you like and if you fill in that form and you write I don't like heights and I don't like snakes and I don't like cockroaches they'll give you a cliff to climb down, a load of snakes

and a load of cockroaches because they give you what they know you don't like so that's why some people could be telling porkies and uh maybe uh slightly going around the houses to to get those things even though they're not really scared of them because they know that they can get the viewers on their side it is a bit of a game after all isn't it yeah i wonder if anyone's just written down like oh i've got a real phobia of lovely soft duvets and just having a nap quietly on my own you know a real phobia of just like a nice

quiet drink on a balcony. I think they might suss you with that one, but you know, you're welcome to try. When you go in, when the Dan Benedicta show is on ITV, we can't wait. Thanks. Yeah, I think cockroaches for me as well. I think there's a lot of insects that people are scared of, but they're fairly kind of benign, you know. But a cockroach, like they're so fast. I know they can't hurt you you but there's something about them like the way they sort of move their

antennae and and the way they're just so quick even if you do want to dispatch them you've got to really have your wits about you i just they're just i just think they're bastards and i think this thing about the fact that you know they can survive nuclear war apparently as well it's just like oh yeah i uh i trod on one with bare feet once when war apparently as well it's just like oh yeah i uh i trod on one with bare feet once when i was on holiday it's crunchy isn't it crunchy it's very crunchy it was i was in australia i got up to go to the toilet and i remember sort of i was half asleep and i just went oh god but i still i was so tired that i kind of i was really jet lagged i just thought i'm just going to go back to bed deal with it in the morning work out what it was and

then i thought is it like what if it was something venomous I just crunched? And I thought, would I wake up before I died of anaphylactic shock or not? But I'm such a heavy sleeper, I just managed to put it out of my mind and go back to sleep. But yeah, it was there for me to remember in the morning. Well, I'm glad you're still here. I mean, that's got nothing on your experience. So, I mean, I really, really shouldn't even be mentioning it based on what you've been through with cockroaches but i absolutely understand your choice so it's a good choice well thank you very much a good choice for uh for a dick well thank you very much for coming

on pat today i mean you've picked a great selection of people and things to be stuck within an island on your on what's basically your own personal hell but uh you've done a great job so thank you very much now um what what are you up to at the minute that people would like to know about? You've just got a book out at the minute? I do. I have not just a book out, I have the book out. I will never do another book. I have never done a book, and I've waited this long to do a book. And so, because I waited this long, my autobiography, which is called Rerun the Fun,

and is out now, not just as a book, but also as an audio book, is a spoof memoir. It says on the front cover very clearly, based on an untrue story. Myself and the two guys who I worked on it with, Luke and Darren, we decided that it would be a lot more exciting when they came to me with an idea of an autobiography to spice it up a little bit rather than just give the facts about what I did here and what I did there and which job I got here and which job I lost there so we've made it much more interesting and it is it's sort of all based around the 80s and 90s starts off a lot earlier when I'm younger actually but then gets into my main working decades of the 80s and the 90s which were very synonymous with me and what I was doing on radio and television. And a lot of the contemporaries I've met along the way, and they all make

appearances in the book, people like Cherry Halliwell and David Hasselhoff and Princess Diana and Chris Tarrant and many more. And as you read it, and as you listen to it, depending on which one you go for, you'll be thinking to yourself, really? Did he do that? I didn't know about that, because it is a spoof, and it makes it a lot more interesting for the reader or the listener. I think it's a brilliant idea. I think it's really good. And of course, you're still on air as well, if people want to tune into your shows. Yeah, absolutely. I'm on Greatest Hits Radio at the weekend across the UK.

I do Saturdays and Sundays, 10 till 1, and I often cover Mark Goodyear during the week or The Breakfast Show as well so I'm often on Greatest Hits. And also I do a show in Norway for any of your podcast listeners in Norway. I do a show on Friday afternoons on P8 Pop which is P8 Pop. So yeah lots of bits and bobs and bits on the telly. I'm on the new Michael McIntyre TV show, which is a Saturday night show on BBC One. I think it's starting any day now, actually. This weekend, maybe.

It's called The Wheel, and it's quite a big game show. So I'm one of the... Well, I'm not really a contestant. They have seven people on there who are supposedly well-known who help out the contestants during the show to help the contestants win money as the wheel spins and it's uh it's a very dramatic set so if you if you like a good game show worth looking at to see a sort of upgraded version of funhouse uh in 2020 and 2021 as it rolls into uh january and february next year lovely brilliant so your fingers in many pies

yeah i'm trying if someone let me put my finger in their pie, I'm there. Lovely stuff. Brilliant. Pat, thank you very much again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. Thanks, Dan. All the best. Keep well.