Desert Island Dicks - PAUL FOOT

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Comedy genius Paul Foot joins our sweet baby Daniel to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. And this episode features the incredibly wonderful Paul Foote. He's got a show in August at the Edinburgh Fringe, and it's called Dissolve. And you know what what I went to see him do a work in progress of this show uh last night and it was bloody fantastic I really enjoyed it so I really recommend getting to see him if you can um as I say he's doing these work in progress

shows and well I guess there'll be less work in progress and more complete as he goes on but I would be very happy to just watch the work in progress because I thought it was brilliant. So do go and see it. And he's also really funny on this episode. So I had an absolute pleasure chatting with him and I think you'll enjoy this one a lot. So with that in mind, let's stop talking now and let's get on with the show

because it's Paul Foot on Desert Island Dicks. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest, and here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian Paul Foot. How are you doing? Oh, very well, thank you, Daniel. And I noticed, of course, you have Dick in your name. Exactly, yeah. So, a difficult childhood, but, you know, now I've just started a podcast, so I'm trying to take ownership of it.

Yeah, so that's why you called it Dick, because you've got Dick in the name. Yeah. Well, Benedictus is especially tricky as a schoolboy, because you can just say Benedictus and emphasise the dick, or you've got Benedictus or Benedictus. Yes. It's a real buffet for schoolboys to lay into. Yeah, I never really had anything like that.

I mean, my name is not particularly, you can't really bully someone based on them being called foot or anything. And so I was just generally bullied in just a general way, you know. More broad sense. Yeah, more broad sense. And it's quite harrowing at the time, in just a general way, you know. A more broad sense. Yeah, a more broad sense. And it's quite harrowing at the time, but when you look back on it, it's quite funny.

I don't know why I find it really funny. Like when I started at the school and had to catch the bus there and my mother said, oh, why don't you take this? It was like a special sort of rucksack thing, but it looked like a spaceman. It was like a great big square rucksack thing but it looked like a spaceman it was like a great big square shape and it went on my back like i was some sort of deep sea diver and she said oh you'll be popular at school because you'll stand out because you'll look different to everyone else and i was thinking no you don't understand mother that's not how it works looking different is not

good yeah and then i remember going to the school and being all awkward like even like i had to flag the bus to stop the bus and i didn't really know how to do it so i just like i'd never flagged a bus before and i was only 12 so i just like waved my arm in like a massive motion as if i was like um one of those people who has to guide like a 747 to its parking spot. And then I got to school and then I was just mercilessly bullied. And then I got home after my very first day at school and I had all stink bombs in all my jacket pockets and I was hanging all my jackets on the washing line

to try and get rid of the smell of the stink bombs whilst weeping. Oh, crikey. I find it funny now. Good, because it sounds pretty harrowing, Paul, if I'm honest. I'm glad there was some positive to be taken from that, because it's, yeah, not the best first day at school. Terrible. Anyway, it went on.

It got worse. Anyway, it went on. It was only another six years. Oh, man. Awful. Well, Paul, obviously, I'm trying to find a neat segue anyway it went on it got worse anyway it was only another six years oh man awful uh well paul i'm obviously i'm trying to find a neat segue from that into the podcast and i mean all i can say is i'm i'm really sorry but i mean you found a positive from that are you a positive person in general because we're going to rant about people and things that you hate on this podcast i mean are you generally upbeat or do you like i'm generally very positive i think i used to

be uh less positive but now i'm very positive okay it was quite a challenge for me to come up with you know things i could be really negative about but i'm looking forward to it i'm looking forward to getting really really negative about the things that i've chosen. Okay, so it's like a little glimpse into your past negative self and then hopefully at the end you will be able to change back into your normal self and I won't have sort of ruined your life completely. Oh, no, you won't have ruined it. It's like a holiday from the relentless positivity of my normal life. Great. Okay, this is good. This is good.

Okay, so your plane has crashed. You're stuck on an island. Who's the first person going to be on the island with you? Well, I thought Prince Harry. Okay. I thought to have him on the desert island, it could be quite wearing. You know, remember, we're going to be on this desert island

probably for years for maybe like decades and then just having him there all the time just going on about I was despair and I don't agree with the system I'm in favour of the monarchy but I'm kind of

against the system I'm in favour but not I'm not really interested in in my like various titles but i do want them as well and i want my children to have them but i'm not really bothered about them as well and also king charles he cut me off like he literally gave me no more than three million pounds to help me move to America. It was a nightmare. And I'm going to be just saying to Prince Harry,

look, we're all on this desert island now. You know, we've all lost contact with the world. We're just, like, isolated now. It doesn't matter anymore. It's a new system. It doesn't matter about all this stuff anyway and he would just be going on and on about it yeah i i go for real cycles with him you kind of think oh you know he seems like a bit more fun than the others and he go but i do wish he'd

shut up a bit but you know i you know megan had a hard time but i do wish they'd shut up a bit and it's like like you said they can't, it's like, I want to be away from this thing. I still kind of want all the benefits of it though. Like I still, you know, I still want my life to be quite easy and well-paid and not have to do an awful lot. Yes, it's that mixture of some of the things he says. I think he's obviously exposed racism in the royal household

and things like that. And there's a lot of the things you think, I really agree with you there, Harry. Well done for saying that. But you also then get tired of him just going on and on and on as well. And yeah, it's that mixture with him of, in some ways, what he says is very valid, but he's also got like a massive sense of entitlement, which is actually staggeringly large, you know, just this sense of his own self-importance.

I mean, you know, he's in the army, he's been to public school, you know, like there's a bit where he's talking about getting frostbite in his todger, you know, in his book. And it's like, you know, he'd just sort of be a bit of a, just a bit annoying, just one of those people I just think of like, come on, lads, you know he'd just sort of be a bit of a just a bit annoying just one of those people i just think of like come on lads you know stiff up a lip and i just i just don't really want that energy on the island i think yes well i've heard about uh the the the uh todger story in the book and apparently it's just cringe worthy you You know, like he says, it's also, here's a hilarious anecdote.

It's not at all. It's just like really just utter cringe. And I'm one of those people, of course, I haven't actually read the book, but I'm one of those people who have not read the book, nor have I seen their documentary, the Netflix one. And I haven't even, I've only just seen clips, but I haven't seen in full that Oprah Winfrey interview, but I still like to commentate on them, even though I've not seen them.

Yeah. At length, you know, based on things that I've read about or other people have told me, and based on a general instinct that if I did read them or watch them, I would hate them. Whilst also kind of agreeing with some of the things they're saying, thinking, yeah, well done for saying that, but also finding them really annoying all at once.

But I haven't actually seen it, so I don't actually know. I think it's in the same way they could be like a big blockbuster film. I haven't seen Titanic, but I've seen enough spoofs of it or comments of it you know or memes about it that you know i've got the gist i mean obviously i know what happens with the titanic but it goes down yeah but but you know the same with prince harry it's like there's so many comments on all of the things that he's done and said and taken part in it's like i, I might as well have just seen it. It's fine now. But yeah, an annoying person to be stuck on an island with. Yeah, interesting you mentioned Titanic

because in my last show that I just finished, I had a re-enaction of the film Titanic. And of course I was aware that most people have seen it, but I was aware some people wouldn't have seen it, but it's sufficiently in the zeitgeist that you can sort of enjoy the reenactment of Titanic, even if you haven't seen it. Yeah.

Yeah, so that makes me think maybe I'll go further with the Prince Harry thing, and maybe I'll start up like a YouTube channel, and it'll be called, it might be maybe based around all the royals, and it will be called The Royals Uninformed. It's just me speculating about stuff and just going on rants about Katie Winslet and other things, stuff that I've just supposed. Yeah, well, I'd be a fan.

I look forward to seeing that and let's make it happen. Okay, who's going to be the second person joining you on the island? I think it's going to be Suella Braverman. Great, yes, okay. I just think she's going to be a nightmare because we're on a desert island and she's going to be constantly going on about people invading yeah and trying to ward off ward off invaders sometimes it's just like prince harry

has gone off to like see if we can catch some pike on a on a little boat that we've constructed from bits of an old coconut tree and then he's uh rowing back and then she is going on about where he's being invaded yeah or a lifeguard or someone who's you know sent from a cruise ship on a dinghy to come and save you just yeah just any small boat she's just gonna be up in arms about oh it would be a nightmare yeah so it's one of the reasons we'd be on the desert island so long because yeah anyone who came to save us she'd have uh what she used some sort of crossbow i imagine i don't know i mean i imagine if i was on my way to an island in a small boat and i saw her it would probably put me off but i mean clearly you know she's she wants

even stronger measures on this podcast before we used to get a lot of people saying pretty patel and we're like oh isn't she awful and you just think and then she respawned and now we've got Suella Braveman and you're like oh god bring Priti Patel back I mean yeah Priti Patel looks positively left wing you know it all seems rather mild you know compared to Suella Braveman I mean do you do do we remember Theresa May ah halcyon days practically communist although of course they've been they've been going on about this. Theresa May was the one who started it, wasn't it? All this, we're coming for you, about the immigrants and things. It's interesting how immigrants are just so utterly demonised

in certain parts of the press and the discourse. And like Suwala Brahman going on about an invasion. And you think it's a funny kind of invasion, isn't it? Because they're invading with no weapons and coming from areas of poverty and indeed places where they've been persecuted. Weird sort of invasion. But I'd hate to see what a real invasion is, how she they've been persecuted. Weird sort of invasion, but, you know,

I'd hate to see what a real invasion is. How should we react to that? What do they want? They said they want shelter and a job. You're like, argh! Yeah, what do they want? They want to get off the small boat where they're in severe danger on the high seas, and they'd like to get a national insurance number and maybe do some work for the minimum wage or possibly in one of the sectors of the economy where there's job shortages

because i mean i mean not job shortages the opposite too many you know because no one wants to actually do the job you know yeah one of those, that's what they want. It's a big danger, isn't it? It's a huge danger. I'm terrified. Yeah, that's why I never go out anymore. The reinvention of the Home Secretary, it's almost like a Russian doll,

but every time you take one out, they just get more bitter and angry each time. If there's one after her, I dread to think what the next incarnation's going to be like. I can't think what that would be like. I think it might not be necessarily human. I'm not even completely convinced

that Suella Braverman is human. I mean, I have noticed that her name, Suella, has two names within it. It's got Sue and Ella. that suggests to me that she's trying very hard to convince us that she is human and has actual human emotions but i can i think she may well be some sort of a robot yeah but then you kind of think if you were designing that you'd

think oh we can't we can't make her this bad. People will twig that she's not a real person. They're like, I reckon we can let this, I reckon she'll slip past. I reckon she'll be all right. Give it a go. Let's see how we get on. It's working so far. Just make sure you don't see any of the wires.

It's going to be fine. I think, yeah, she's almost like a caricature. Yeah. Yeah, if we'd considered five years ago that someone like that would be in government, we wouldn't have believed it, he said. Yeah. It's the same with, like, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was a sort of harmless... He seemed relatively harmless. It's this eccentric backbencher who didn't... But then when he actually got into positions of actual power, then it becomes quite frightening. Absolutely. I can't remember who said it was like he looks like a sort of haunted Victorian ventriloquist puppet.

Like, it just feels so accurate. Like, he does look like he's being controlled by strings, you know, and, like, the fact that his suit never sort of really fits properly and it's just this weird kind of rag doll of a man, but now he's very important. It's awful. Awful, yes. And if one of those politicians like Boris Johnson

just throws in some Latin phrases that he remembers from school and things to appear intellectual. So we've got Suella Braveman. And her and Prince harry i mean we sort of have to believe really that they're probably going to get on okay i mean you know harry obviously has taken a stand against racism which suella braveman won't like but kind of think prince harry's still going to be a tory so there's probably going to be some common ground there so you know if they're getting on famously i mean or it's just going to be some common ground there. So, you know, if they're getting on famously,

I mean, or it's just going to be really awkward because she's going to absolutely love Prince Harry and you're going to sort of have to watch him feeling uncomfortable with her advances. Yeah, I don't think Prince Harry will be a Tory. I think famously, didn't he and Meghan make a clear hint that they thought in the election people should vote for the Democrats.

Oh, really? Okay. It was criticism at the time. He shouldn't have said it. Being a member of the royal family, he should have been neutral. Not that he's sort of in the royal family anymore, so I suppose you can say what he likes. But I think I remember that. It was considered very shocking that he made comments.

Oh, very shocking that I think they suggested that young people might want to not vote for Donald Trump. Anyway, this was a great shock. So I think they'll get on terribly. One of the reasons I've chosen the two of them. I think they're going to be at loggerheads the whole time. They've both got their own issues that they'll be going on about, just both independently and arguing with each other. I think it's going to be an absolute nightmare.

So I've chosen them for the absolute horror of what it would be like to share the desert island with them okay well you've got one more choice left so uh let's see who who you're going to bring on for this um lovely party of awful people on the island well we've got prince harry with all his issues we've got sorella braver man with all hers and all the friction so i just thought the other person should just be the most boring person talking about the most boring things so i've chosen ben shepherd who is the host of that um quiz show the tipping point yes yes and i should point out i don't have a television.

I don't watch it normally, but sometimes when I'm away, I have seen it. Quiz shows, they're a bit boring, aren't they? They're really for retired people and, you know, they're not for people who've, like, got a career or some sort of hope in their lives. Anyway, they're still, you know, they're on the TV. But this one, this is just the most boring of the lot.

It's obviously based on that arcade game. If you go like on a pier and they've got like an arcade in there with those coins that you put down and they go down, down, down through the little slots and then they go onto these trays that are moving in and out, and then the coin goes down, maybe pushes some of the other coins across, and they fall into the next level, and then maybe one of those comes down,

and you get some coins out the bottom. It's stunningly boring. But then they make it even more boring because they have to answer some sort of questions and then they put the thing in on the TV programme and then it's all described. Oh, oh, there it goes. Oh, there's your token. Oh, it's going down.

Oh, you've chosen drop slot number three. Oh, that's a tricky one. It's right near the edge. Oh, it's going down. Oh, it's caught the lip. It's caught the lip. Is it going to catch one of the other ones? Oh, it's caught one.

It's caught one. Oh, yes. Oh, I think something's coming down for the first try. Oh, yeah. Yes, it's caught one. Oh, oh, oh, yes. Oh, I think something's coming down for the first try. Oh, yeah, yes, one's come down. Oh, what a shame. It's caught on top of the other one. Oh, gone no further. Oh, what a shame.

So I imagine that not only would it be really boring having him there, because he'd be like saying, oh, well, in the evenings, after Prince Harry and Sorella Graveman have been shouting at each other for hours, he'd say, oh, I'll tell you one or two of my anecdotes from the drop, what if it's called the drop zone or whatever, the tipping point,

and it'd all be awfully boring. Or sometimes he would just be, like we'd be by the cliff edge or something, and he'd all be awfully boring. Or sometimes he would just be like, we'd be by the cliff edge or something. And he'd just be saying, oh, look at that. Look at that boulder at the top. Oh, it's getting on the edge. Oh, is it going to roll?

And it would be just stunningly dull. Yeah, I absolutely agree. And I think it's, you know, he has been on telly and interviewed people, but a lot of his, you know, day been on telly and interviewed people but a lot of his you know day-to-day working life in the last few years has been on that game show so it's not like his anecdotes would be very good you know you'd be looking at the sunset and he'd be like oh yeah it reminds me of the time uh Sue from Luton dropped a counter down the machine and won

300 pounds I think it was that day and you And you were like, this is terrible chat, Ben. Yes, but you're right. He doesn't just present the drop zone, or whatever it's called. He also does some morning thing, doesn't he? I mean, he doesn't just bore people in the afternoons, also in the mornings, on one of those weird programmes. I don't even know what the names of these programmes are, because I've never watched them other than for like four minutes

while I'm just getting dressed in a hotel prior to going out. But it's these morning programmes that are a sort of strange mixture of kind of current affairs, and they might even get like a government minister on occasion and interview them, mixed with kind of cooking and general sort of inane chat and some feature about how you can make Christmas crackers from a bit of old pork dripping. And it's just, you know, it's just, and it's not anything. It's not insightful or interesting in any way.

So, yeah, yeah, he would be ideal. It's so difficult to get a sense of who he really is. It's almost like on his gravestone, it will just say, Ben Shepard, a safe pair of hands, and that'll be it. You know, like, who is he? You know, do you think, like, I've no idea if in real life he'd be really nice or a complete dick or just somewhere in the middle.

It's just lovely, non-offensive Ben Shepard, a safe pair of hands. Yeah, I think it'd be quite boring, mate, eh? Yeah, you kind of think, oh, I've got Prince Harry, Soella's doing my head in, I can't be bothered to speak to Prince Harry. Ben, what are you up to? And it's just sort of just neutral, you know,

and he'd be at home, like he'd get on with everyone because that's what he does, you know, like occasionally press them a little bit on a subject but then retreat again, you know, just like a very gentle tide. I just don't think you'd get much out of him. No, you wouldn't. And he reminds me, there's other people who get like that on these morning shows, like

that lady called Lorraine. And she actually took the HMRC to court or something, or had some court case with the tax authorities, because they wanted to tax her for something, because they said, oh, well, she's Lorraine

Kelly, and she said, no, when I go on TV, I'm playing the role of a woman called Lorraine Kelly, who's quite sort of nice and sort of pleasant, but boring. Like, you know, she's just sort of pleasant. There's nothing interesting about her at all. Imagine if your alter ego is just a less interesting version

of yourself it's spectacular really it's brilliant so I'd have Ben Shepard on there, I wouldn't need Lorraine Kelly or anyone else like that because Ben Shepard he'd have all the anecdotes

he'd be able to say we'd be around the campfire and then Suella would be on guard duty sitting on top of the willow tree in case any invaders come

and we'd be just relaxing Prince Harry would have finally stopped going on about the phone hacking scandal and about his security arrangements in the UK. So he's finally given up on that for the night. And then Ben Shepard would say, oh, let me tell you about the time that it was very unusual. Normally, I would present my programme with,

I don't even know who it is. But on this occasion, they weren't available. So it was Lorraine Kelly. You have an anecdote about how they presented the programme together. It does sound like a really specific kind of help, Paul. And I think already you're off to a really good start because, yeah, I wouldn't want to spend time on the island. And I think it's going to be even worse for you. So we're going to move on now to another category

because, mercifully, amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? The food is waffles with maple syrup and that kind of sweet bacon stuff over it okay it's actually actually it's actually quite not i like all those things individually but it's just it's just those like american breakfasts you get that are just uh in fact it would be specifically i suppose the uh thing that would be in my hamper would be all of those really sweet things you get in an American breakfast.

Which, I mean, I've got up sometimes in American hotels for a meal, for a breakfast, and I'm struggling to work out what to eat that won't just send my pancreas into overdrive it's like that french toast stuff like with all like syrups all over it but like even bacon which is a savory you know even that's all like coward in like sugar yeah they actually put sugar over it and all that fry it for hours, bacon, maple syrup, waffles, all that stuff. And those cereals you get that have unbelievable amounts of sugar in. Yeah. I mean, there is sugar in all cereals, I think, even if you get like, or most of them, if you get even just something like muesli or like a Weetabix type type thing i think there's sugar in

there a bit you know so you have to be careful but then you get some of these things which are ludicrous it's like a bit of wheat thing which soaked in sugar covered in chocolate coatings and all that stuff i don't know how anyone could eat that without just like collapsing from a sort of um sort of sugar rush at the end of it yeah it's mad isn't it just thinking like what if we just got this fry up and just put maple syrup all over it that's that's a good idea it's absolutely uh yeah it's ridiculous and then of course you don't have to have go for all the sweet stuff to have a terrible breakfast. There's so many ways of having a terrible breakfast.

Like if you're in a hotel, you know, you get stuff that you would never eat at home. Like I don't think I've ever been at home and thought to myself, oh, I'm hungry this morning. Oh, I think I'll have some tinned grapefruit segments. I mean, who would eat that normally? Prunes, bowls of prunes and dried papaya and coconut shavings and weird stuff that you just think, you know, this is not pleasant.

I mean, I've always been against breakfast as a meal. I always think, you know, if you get up late and say it's 10 o'clock, then you're only two hours away from if you hold out and don't have any breakfast from having lunch. And when you have lunch, you can have anything. Lunch could be anything. There are millions of things you could have have lunch, you can have anything. Lunch could be anything. There are millions of things you could have for lunch, whereas breakfast is so sort of restricted.

It has to be weird cereals, bacon with all fat, that fat around it that hasn't been cooked properly, that it's all like you have to cut those bits of fat off, those weird dried up sausages that you get in a full english hash browns why would you i mean you would never at lunchtime or evening time no one ever has hash browns you never think oh i've just done a roast chicken meal, lovely, and vegetables, blah, blah, blah. It's all there. Lovely gravy.

Ooh, hash browns. You don't have hash browns at any other time because they're really not very nice. So there's some phenomenally unpleasant things at breakfast and a relatively small number of choices and you could just wait and have lunch. I think you've argued that point beautifully i think for your desert island then i think we'll probably have to give you a sort of american hotel breakfast buffet so you've got plenty of choice and none of which you like

yes that's what i'll have every morning and then for my drink it it's just going to be beer. Okay, yep. Well, beer, obviously a lot of people like beer, but it's rather disgusting, really. I mean, it's a horrible flavour, and you have to drink so much of it. It's like huge, big, one-pint things of it. And then after a while, there's just that smell. The people who've had beer beer they just stink of beer there's this disgusting stench emanating from them, this beer smell

coming from their breath and then they're constantly going into the toilet all the time they're having to piss every like 20 minutes it's just pissing and drinking and stenching of beer and burping and farting

because there's so much gas in them. And it's all just stenching beer smells. And it's just disgusting. Yeah, it's hard for me to argue against that. You know, for years, you know, I have enjoyed beer. And nowadays, actually, my body has just turned against it. And know I have enjoyed beer and nowadays actually my body has just turned against it and now I have more than two pints and my whole body just inflates and now I'm thinking yeah of course it is because think how much liquid and and gas is in there how

come this didn't always happen I don't know if it's like a quirk of youth that you can just keep on going but now I'm like just feel like i'm just carrying around like a sort of sloshing bathtub i know and you can go into like the loo in like a pub and there'll be sometimes like men like pissing whilst there's a glass of beer in their hand or like you just go into a pub and there's just abandoned glasses of beer in there, all around the sink and at the urine or something. It's like abandoned three-quarters of a pint of beer. And it's not cheap either. You get some horrible kind of lager stuff,

like, I don't know, one of those awful ones, like Foster's or something. It costs like £5.70 for a glass of it. And it's just disgusting. It has to come from a barrel. And then they say, I mean, there's so much that can go wrong. It comes from the barrel. And they say, oh, the barrel's a bit flat.

Oh, and then, oh, and, I mean, you know, I mean, even if you get the beer and it's optimum, it's still disgusting. But then it can be suboptimal and even worse, flat or there's a bit of a taste of the cleaning fluids in it today and all this stuff. Oh, well, we have to clean. We have to clean all the pipes, the barrels. We do it. We do it at 9.30 every morning. I think you'll find that when the first few pints we pour, it does have a little bit of the smell of the cleaning fluid. So anything we pour between 6.30 and 7.30 p.m. will have the cleaning fluid smell.

Between 7.30 and 8.30, you might notice it's a bit flat because the gases haven't come up from the barrel yet. But generally, you'll find from 8.30 till 10.30, it's a reasonably good beer, although by 10.30, it'll be going flat again. You know, it's just absolutely disgusting. I think you make a lot of sense there and i think you know more than more than any other drink there's like you know like wine you know there's a pretentious culture around it you could argue but like beer culture it's like i mean it seems like a sort of contradiction in terms but

you know that sort of it symbolizes so much of what's a bit annoying about pubs and just going out in general. It's like, whoa! That's what a beer would say. It's that kind of sound. Nowadays, because you get those craft beers and things, it's basically just beer, that's all it is. It's just a normal beer, but it's just a normal beer but it's just like

got a bit of cherry flavors in and you just think well you know if they could concentrate on the cherry and like reduce the beer flavor down to sort of say zero they might be on the right lines they cost so much as well they're like seven quid a pint or something i just think i'll just start drinking cocktails instead like let's let's just get more into cocktails i mean like because a pint of beer is isn't that much cheaper than like a martini now it's like let's just be classy and pissed you know rather than like really full and gassy. Yeah, I know. It's just it's not like, you know, like wines where you might change. You ask, I'll start with a sherry,

then I'm going to a white wine, and I'm going to move on from the Chardonnay to this Riesling, which I think will accompany the main course better. Then I think we're on to a lighter red, and then it's a heavier red later with the dark, you know, followed by a sweet wine, you know, and you get all the different flavours.

It's just like one after the other, all the same. What are you on? I'm on a Foster's night. What are you on? I'm on the Car-O-Prar-Oopraramen or something that's got some name like that. I'm on the budvar. I want a bud. Excuse me, mate. You got a bud? Yeah, that's another thing I hate about beer, those bud visor, those bottles. Got a bud? Yeah, you're one of those people,

you don't have it from the tap when they pour it out from one of those things that comes out of a barrel. No, just have a bud. You got a bud? I'm having a bud. Got a bud? What are you having now?

I think I have another bud. How many have you had? I've had 10 buds. Hates it. Hates it. And I think Prince Harry's going to be there. He's going to be enthusiastic about the beer. Come on, lads.

Let's have another beer. Suella's getting involved because she wants to be one of the lads. Ben Shepard, he's just going along willingly because he's like, he's, you know, Harry's best friend. And, yeah, it's all just going to be a bit laddy, isn't it, I think? I think so. I mean, I don't know that Ben Shepard is going to come up with any. I't it i think and i think so i mean i don't know that ben shepherd is going to come up with any i don't think he's a man of great i don't know i've met

him oh he's all based on supposition but i doubt he's got a great deal of original thought in him yeah beer yeah have a beer have a beer have a beer we've got no idea because we have so little insight into his personality, I think. But I mean, also the beer and those big American breakfasts. I mean, it's pretty heavy going. I mean, I'm sort of getting full up just thinking about it, to be honest. So we're going to move on to another section. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

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you will not be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? The film is Downton Abbey, the film. The film of Downton Abbey.

OK. The thing about Downton Abbey is I film. The film of Downton Abbey. Okay. The thing about Downton Abbey is I used to quite enjoy it when it first came out, like the first series. I watched it with my mother and it was quite fun for a few episodes. And then it just got so boring, so stunningly dull. And I think I watched a bit of the film once to see what it's like. It's just a longer version of the TV programme

with even more drawn out plot lines and it epitomises to me those sort of British TV or film stuff that's just nothing much happens, it's all very twee. If you watch

an episode of Downton Abbey, there's a series of running subplots, which are all incredibly boring and slow, like over the course of a whole series of like 12 episodes, Maggie Smith will have changed her footman or something. She didn't like the first one. She's getting another one. And then, as if it's not boring enough,

every episode will have sort of three or four utterly inconsequential subplots. Nothing much happens in them. It'll be, one of them will be the Lord of the Manor, Lord Grantham or something. Lord Grantham has heard that there's going to be a village fete, and he's considering putting his homemade bramble jelly on at the village fete. But then Lady Sansa says that it's not right for a lord

to be selling bramble jelly at the fete. It's, he is the lord that everyone looks up to. It's not right. But he pushes against it. He really wants to sell his bramble jelly. It's a big crisis that all builds up into like some climax of a dinner when someone says what about my bramble jelly and there's like an awkward silence uh and then like a servant a servant speaks during the meal and a servant should never speak during the meal one of the

waiting staff speaks out and says i think it's a good idea about the bramble jelly. Everyone's looking down at their shoes. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. A footman just spoke during the meal. They're not supposed to. It's only the upper classes that are supposed to speak. Oh, my God. But then finally they find a solution.

And in the end, the footman says, how about I sell the bramble jelly? It'll still be your bramble jelly, your lordship, but I'll be the one selling it. But you and the Lord can open the fate and cut the ribbon. Oh, marvellous. They found a solution. Everyone's happy. Oh, great. It's so utterly inconsequential. And it just goes on and on. oh marvellous they've found a solution everyone's happy oh great it's so utterly inconsequential

and it just goes on and on and that'd be like a whole hour for that very dull thing to happen and then after every little scene there's that sort of ghastly and I'm sure it was original when it first came out but it's now become very

cliched and you get it so much on british tv and even films that sort of pizzicato string music just at the end like it'll be do you think it's a good idea and for me to get a new footman. Yes, I think it's a good idea. And also, if you get a new footman, you can ask them about the bramble jelly. And then... Pizzicato music, little bit of pizzicato, pizzicato music. As you see a scene of... A landscape scene

as the camera sweeps across to show the beautiful stately home in which they live. And now, into another scene. Oh, that's such a beautiful demonstration of Downton Abbey. I think earlier you were talking about, you know, doing a YouTube channel about the Royals. I think maybe you should plough all your efforts into doing a Downton, a

Palford Downton Abbey channel, because I could watch that for a very long time. Yeah, I think I might do that. I might do a Downton recreation, sort of based on my own plot lines. Yeah, I would absolutely watch that. I think it's brilliant. Yeah, Downton Abbey, it feels like someone at one point went, plot lines yeah i would absolutely watch that i think it's brilliant yeah i down to nabby it

feels like someone at one point went should we do another costume drama okay well you know what it's a bit highbrow i think people get a bit bored of those sometimes should we do another soap opera i said god there's enough soap operas already it's like what if we put the two things together so you feel like it's highbrow, but it's basically sort of neighbours, but with nicer clothes. Yeah, it is basically a sort of, as you say, it's a brilliant invention and they've obviously been very successful. Well done, you know.

And lots of people love it. But yes, that's exactly what they've done combined. It's a bit like that show, Rose Rim Time, where they thought, okay, what do people like? They like gardening programmes. And what do they also like?

Murder mysteries. Let's combine the two. And that's literally what it is. It's like two ladies going around in gardens and saying things like, oh, that's a beautiful laburnum, isn't it? Yes, of course, one has to be careful, doesn't one, not to overwater one's laburnum, isn't it? Yes, of course, one has to be careful, doesn't one, not to overwater one's laburnum. And also, a slightly acidic soil is best.

Remember to turn over the soil in the spring and put a bit of loam in. Oh, while I'm doing that, as I was just turning over the soil, I just found a clue in the Mervin Mystery that's also concurrently running with the rest of the programme. Oh, it's a clue. It says, and even the clue will be themed like gardening, it says pot and Ed. Who is Ed? What do they mean, pot?

Do they mean drugs? And then there's like a thing where they think, maybe it's a drug connection. Who is this Ed? We better interview Ed the gardener. Maybe it's him. Then they realise, oh, had you not realised? There's a bit missing from the piece of paper. It doesn't say pot and egg, it says potting shed.

Oh, my goodness. We must go to the potting shed. We will find another clue in the murder mystery. I'm starting to think you should just have your own channel. Why watch TV when I could have you dissect it instead? I think it was brilliant. And, Paul, you know what? I can't really add anything to talking about Downton Abbey,

the film that you haven't already given us such a great example of. So that's going to be with you on the island. And I think it's going to be bloody tedious. Obviously, you're going to have Prince Harry talking about the various things that they got wrong about how the butler shouldn't have really laid out the bread knife in that way and how the... Well, of course, he'll be saying, I don't agree with it. It doesn't matter to me.

I don't care about all that anymore. I don't agree with the system. Who cares whether he puts the butter knife out first? But at the same time, it is wrong. Yeah, he did pass the port in the wrong direction after dinner. So, yes, but I don't care about it. So, yeah, OK, lovely. And what would your song choice be?

My song choice would be Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard. Just because it's absolutely awful. It's so middle of the road. And, I mean, it's made worse by the fact that we know that cliff richard is still with us and could potentially sing it again and i noticed that he's like got a show on like in some theaters in this autumn and one wonders who are the people who go i mean I mean, if you've got, you know, my parents in their mid-70s and I've got friends over the road who are now in their late 70s, early 80s, I know an aunt who's 99 and a half now

and she wouldn't listen to Cliff Richard because it would be too old and she just thinks it's just a load of old-fashioned rubbish. Who are these people that are going to it and the era that he was you know when he started out and it was you know the 50s and there's rock and roll and really exciting forms of new music happening and you know teenagers were becoming a thing there was like youth culture for maybe the first time and and he sort of did that with it. And it was almost like if you were scared by all of that stuff that was happening, well, here's a sort of toned-down, smooth version for you. He took the era of, as you say, rock and roll,

as that then went into the 60s, with all of that, the Beatles and all of that, all that musical innovation and excitement. And he, I mean, I don't know whether I'm allowed to just, whether it's like against like the rules for me just to sing a bit, but it's just so boring, isn't it? With his boring voice. It's not even like, it's not even a good voice.

It's just like a middle of the road, pleasant voice, because obviously it had a reasonable voice at the time. But it's not like an exciting voice. You'd think, wow, what a voice. It's just nothing. It's just... We're all going on a really

boring lyrics as well. We're all going on a summer holiday. as well. We're all going on a summer holiday. We're going to have a break for a week or two. It's just awful. It's so bad. And like, you know, some songs you could come round to if you exposed them for long enough, you know, or find something in it.

But there's nothing that you could really... Like, what about that song would you go, oh, but actually, you you know this guitar play like nothing but it's also just so kind of plain there's nothing you'd be like oh yeah but when this guitar comes in or like oh the percussion is it's just sort of everyone just doing the bare minimum they can to get this thing over the line yes that's exactly what it is in fact i'm now thinking of other songs that are even worse. Like Up and Away, do you know that one?

Yeah. Up and Away, you know, my beautiful balloon. This is the 1960s. Who are the people who are listening to this stuff? And there's another one, Puppet on a String. I'm like a puppet on a string, like a puppet on a string. So I'll put all of those in for all the people who are really offended by all the exciting stuff that happened in the 60s these were the antidotes so i suppose we'll give you a compilation of kind of the best of the 1960s

if you're offended easily by popular culture i suppose suppose, would be the long title. That's nice. I'm glad you've given me a compilation so I can hear all of the really awful songs. Yeah, just when you think one was the worst, another one would come on and you're like, oh, maybe this is the worst. I don't know. Yes, middle of the road, 1960s, awful music.

That's what I'm going to have on my compilation. I suppose it'll be on a cassette, won't it? I would imagine. I think so, yeah. Just so that, like, the... Well, I was going to say, that way, you know, it can slightly warp over time, but that would probably make it more interesting

if it started sounding a bit wonky, you know, then it would sound a bit more psychedelic. So maybe some kind of lossless format that never ages. I think, really, if you're going to put me through the full horror of it, i think it should be digitally recorded and it should be played every day as like an alarm in the morning like on full top quality equipment you know with the best really loud surround sound yeah but. But it's Cliff Richard. And maybe it should be called something like

Keep Calm and Listen to the Greatest Sounds of the Sixties. Just get every annoying, bland sort of reference in there. Yes, I would like that. Okay. All right, Paul. Well, we're nearly out of this awful hellscape of your own making, but finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why?

Well, it's the cat. But I should point out, it's not really the cats that I have an objection to. I quite like cats, really. It's really the cat owners. Okay. There'll be a cat there. Because cat owners, they're always in massive denial all the time, aren't they, about their...

They always say, oh, no, my cat, it doesn't kill birds because they kill all, like, little birds and, like, little mammals and stuff. No, mine doesn't. Mine's very well behaved. And also they're always doing, like, they're digging up people's gardens and doing nasty things in their gardens, horrible stenching things that come out of them. Oh, no, my cat doesn't do that.

My cat just does it in the litter tray. And they've got no idea what their cat does. They don't know, but they seem to think that they know their cat and they know what their cat does. And then even worse, it's like, you know, like with a dog. A dog is like really responsive and likes to like spend time with you and it wants to please you. But like a cat, it's clearly like you go to a cat owner's house and the cat is clearly, all it wants is just to get food.

So it kind of like rubs on their leg and then like purrs a bit and then they give it food. And they say, oh, it's so affectionate. Oh! And it's just like, but you don't actually get much out of a cat. So I just, so it's the cat owners and they say, Oh, lovely little cat. Oh, little sweetie cat.

Where are you, darling? Darling, come back in. You know, you've got a mixture of all different kind of cats. You get cats that aren't allowed out, house cats. Then you get cats that can go wild. Then there's the other one the one the cat that's allowed out but has to come back in every all the time it doesn't want to come in and it's hours and hours of calling the cat for it to come back then it comes back and it does a massive dump in the

friggin litter tray it stinks even though the litter tray has got some award-winning odor eater in it it's still disgusting and not only has it done that it has also done a series of shits in various people's gardens as well as having killed someone's pet duck it's just like this disgusting i mean i have to you know full disclosure because listeners will know that i've mentioned this before i do have a cat i am a cat owner but i can also see your point i mean i think i feel like with with animals i'm kind of the same way i am with my kids you know like i love my kids i'm interested in them you're not so you're not that bothered about where your kids do their shits.

That's what you're saying. No, if it's out of sight. We don't see it. It's not your problem. If they did a shit and the name is gone, it's not my problem. It wasn't there. Yeah. I mean, I get a lot of complaints about my sort of free range approach to parenting.

But, you know, it makes things easier. Yeah, I know what you mean, though. I think, I don't know. It's just I don't want too much chat about cats, really. Like, I know what you mean, though. I think, I don't know. It's just I don't want too much chat about cats, really. Like, I've always had cats. I probably will always own a cat, you know. But it doesn't mean I'm that interested in anyone else's cat. And I think if you're stuck on an island with someone always going on about their cat,

it's like somebody talks about their kids too much. It's like, I don't care. They're not here. You know, nothing they've done is that different to anything that any other cat or child has done so you know we don't have to have this whole thing you know the internet's full of like cat videos it's like i'm fine to never watch them oh yeah that's the worst like i love you've been framed in programs like that when you see all like people trying to get into a boat and they fall in on the

jetting and slip in the water people tripping on steps people dropping a wedding cake at a wedding and all that stuff and you're really enjoying it and then there's a whole compilation of cats in fact cats and children are quite similar they're inherently not that funny. Like when you get those, those you've been framed programs, watching a cat sort of slip slightly on a fence is not funny. And watching some toddler trip over and then their face goes into a cake. It's not funny. So I would, I would, yeah, I would put cats and children in the same category.

Okay. I like cats, actually. So I don't mind, you know, the cat. And I met a cat last week. It was a friendly, lovely cat. So I think it's the cat owners, really. Okay. You'd have to put the owners of cats and the owners of children in those.

In fact, it's you, basically. It's me, yeah. It's you. You will have to join me, Vince Harry, Suella and Ben Shepard. Oh, man. Now I'm annoyed that you've picked such a great island full of awful people and things. I have to spend it with you.

But at least I will have your Downton Abbey summaries to sort of calm me down at the end of a hard day of Braverman's ranting. So that is a silver lining for me at least, Paul. But you've done a superb job today. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It's been such a pleasure. And tell everyone what you're up to at the minute,

where they can come and see you. At the moment, my new show dissolve and i'm previewing it all around uh various parts of the uk over the next couple of months it's an exciting show it's different to any show i've done before it's it's personal and it's autobiographical. I've never really done a show that's been in any way personal before. And it's all about how I had many years of, about 30 years of terrible mental health crises and depression and about how it all just disappeared in one incredible incident, one incredible moment on the 20th of march last year this incredible moment

when my entire life was healed in this totally unexpected and extraordinary uh event that i still struggle to really explain but i do it i do uh explain in the show so that's what the show's about. And it's sort of powerful and interesting and funny. It is funny, I should point out. I'm a comedian, so I obviously make people laugh about 25 years of crippling depression and all this sort of stuff. So that's the show I'm doing. And it'll also be going to the Edinburgh Festival in August.

And it'll be on tour all around the UK in the autumn. Brilliant. Well, it sounds fantastic. So, yeah, I look forward to seeing that. And, Paul, thank you so much again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. Oh, thank you, Dan. Thanks for having me. And I look forward to never going on the island with all those awful things. There you go. The fantastic Paul Foot there.

I hope you enjoyed that one. And yeah, as I said, I saw him doing a work in progress version of his show last night at a comedy club in Sydenham, southeast London, called the Poodle Club. And it's brilliant. I actually found out about it ages ago when 2 St. Douglas was on the show because he's been there a few times. And, yeah, it's brilliant. Really little comedy club, but lovely owners. And it's just a really nice place it's got incredible

toilets one is entirely Liberace themed so if you want to go somewhere with see amazing comedy and go into a toilet that's Liberace themed then I recommend it uh so yeah check out the poodle club they're going to be closed until September because they sort of close over the summer but um definitely I want to check out when they're back and thank you to them for all their kindness and hospitality right i'm going to get off now because i'm very hungover after having been at the poodle club last night but um desert island dicks is a sync clap production it was dreamt up and produced by james deacon produced and presented by me dan benedictus this episode was edited like a beauty by chris attaway and thanks as always to big john deacon

for your endless and boundless love and support okay i'm going for a lie down actually i'm not because i have to look after my children i'm gonna go and sit down that's it okay bye