Desert Island Dicks - PHIL WANG

Episode Date: May 28, 2025

Finally - Philly Philly Wang Wang on Desert Island Dicks! What a time to be alive. Phil joins Harriet to share who and what he'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecue's lit, but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that, actually, they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer, so download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus enjoy zero dollar delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is Phil Wang. Hello, Phil. Hi, Harriet. Hi, dickheads. How's it going? Is that the name of the fans? I don't think they've been named, but that's fun, isn't it going? Is that the name of the fans?

I don't think they've been named, but that's fun, isn't it? Yeah, that's fun. You went in so strong with that. That was nice. I presume, yeah, I presume that's what the fans are called, the Dickheads. They requested not to be called that, but it's quite helpful. You've really started with that. You really had some people's feelings at the beginning.

It's very nice to see you. I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, it has been a long time. I thought you really started with that. You really had some people's feelings at the beginning. It's very nice to see you. I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, it has been a long time. It's funny, because doing what we do as comics, we see each other's faces on our phones all the time, because we're always plugging some fucking garbage

that we're doing. And we all have to pretend to be supportive of each other on Instagram. And so we see each other's faces all the time. And so it always feels like I've only just seen you. But in truth, in person, you know, it's been a while. Yeah, we went to Luxembourg. Yeah, was that the last time?

That was like two years ago, maybe. That was a great trip. That was good. Luxembourg is actually surprisingly nice. Yeah, it's in the name. It's Lux. Of course, it was like Berg. Berg-y? Luxembourg is actually surprisingly nice. Yeah, it's in the name.

It's Lux. Of course, it's like Berg. Berg-y? What the hell is she on about? It was so impressive, because when we did a show there, and you did like five minutes at the top, just all about Luxembourg. Oh.

It was really impressive. Wow, thanks, man. Yeah, you literally wrote it in the 24 hours we'd been there. And I'd just been busy like eating chocolate and stuff. And then you came out with like, you just been like observing things the whole time. Oh wow, no way. Oh thanks. Yeah, I was finding it helps to make some mention of where you are.

Just to trick people into thinking, because there's some people out there who still think stand-up is all made up on the spot. And if you can start off your set with something that had to be on the spot because it was about that place that night, then it kind of helps the illusion along. So Phil, how did you find putting together your choices for the island? It's a difficult brief because of course there are many people I hate with a passion in my head. But for one, you can't be slanderous.

For two, we work in a gossipy industry. You want to keep your professional options open, right? It's true. Imagine if you came in here and you burned every bridge. Exactly. The problem is like, the UK is not like America. If you say something rude about a famous person, you could bump into them outside. It's not a big country really. And especially as everything is condensed in London, it's very likely you'll bump into someone.

So I've gone for two of my choices. They, people don't even know who they are. I won't know who they are. No, no one knows who they are. No one knows who they are. Yeah. But they exist. They exist.

People know them, but they don't know who they are. Okay. Why is this a riddle? I don't know. One of them can only tell the truth and the other can only tell a lie. It's so true. I think not many people kind of acknowledge that, that there's many people

that you would put on the island, but you just simply can't mention it because of work politics. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I just bumped into a lady on the way here and I was just walking along through London and she said, oh Phil, can I have a photo? And I was, yeah, of course, because I'm really nice. And there's a lady who had just come down from, I'm guessing from accent Liverpool. It's her first day ever in London.

She'd just been to Oaxaca. She couldn't believe it. She said, I've just been to Oaxaca. I'm so excited. She'd had a margarita on her own in Oaxaca at 3pm. And she was fucking ecstatic. It's a chain though. They probably have that in the North, Oaxaca.

That's it. Yeah, she's talking about it like it's, there's only one and it's in London and it's months to get a table. You're like, it's a fine dining kind of place. There's like, they're everywhere. Yeah, that's true. That's so sweet. But yeah, but it's small. You take one trip to London and you bump into I presume your favorite comedian. She got to go to a hack and have a photo with Phil Wang, what a day this lady had.

I can't imagine. So who is the first person, Phil? The first person is Banksy. So this is a person. Do you, okay. Do some people know who it is? Yes. Is this, did no one tell me?

Well, Andrew Maxwell said he was like, he was convinced he knew who it was. Right. But he wouldn't say who it was. He didn't say who it was said he was like, he was convinced he knew who it was. Right. But he wouldn't say who it was. He didn't say who it was. He just like, but nobody says who it is. They're just like, it's a guy from Bristol. Yeah, the for me, the prevailing rumor is that someone from Massive Attack.

He said it wasn't. Okay. Oh, Harold Hill. Wow. God, that's made my second choice a bit awkward. Yeah. Can you hear us? No.

I don't know if he can hear us. Yeah. Well, Harry Hill just popped in. Are you going to say it while you stare at him in the eye? OK, so there's a chance Harry Hill is Banksy and he heard. There's a chance, there's a chance. So okay so you think it might be a person from Massive Attack? I'm not really that interested in who it actually is. Okay it's not about who it is so let's stop going down that road. It is obviously about whoever this person is but I'm not interested in finding out who it is. I just find the art kind of annoying.

I liked it. You don't like art about rats? It's just very Gen X-y. Imagine if two coppers were kissing. Get out of life. I mean, they're coppers, but they're gay. Fuck off. Who cares? You know what I mean? they're coppers, but they're gay. Fuck off. Who cares? You know what I mean?

I do. I love that print that I have in my kitchen. In a way, Parliament is full of chimps. It's a hard job. It's a hard job. Okay. Politics is about compromise. I'm sorry it doesn't live up to your standards every day.

Are you defending politicians? Yeah. You've come into to do. Can everyone just stop attacking politicians, please? up to your standards every day. So are you defending politicians? Yeah. That's what you've come here to do. Yeah. Can everyone just stop attacking politicians, please? Can we just give them a fucking second? It's just a bit like 15-year-old who's just discovered

YouTube in 2008 or whatever it is. Well, it's quite meme-y, isn't it? It's like what memes were before memes. What do you mean? Well, like that it's kind of like... Like it's like edited pictures. Yeah, it's like a concept. Like you kind of look at it and then...

Okay, I think I don't know exactly what a meme is or like how to describe it. But you know what? Like you see something and then you like tag someone in it and be like, oh, this is just like you, you know what I mean? Right, okay. But how's that? I do know what you mean, incredibly. But how does it pertain to Banksy?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I'm just trying to agree with you. Okay, all right, all right, all right. I'm just trying to go along with your line of thinking. I'm trying to be helpful to you right now. I think my issue with it is that it gave birth to that makes you think genre of crap online political cartooning. Or hers. Banksy's online pretenders, they do these drawings of people staring at their phones

zombie-like and walking off a cliff because they're too busy paying attention to their phone to notice the world around them. And you go in the end the caption is like, the state of the world today. And it's like, shut up. Do you not think that's a bit like comics though? What do you mean? It's a bit like comedians kind of like saying something and then, you know, when they do like a smug like pause.

Yeah, I hate that. And then pause for long enough and then people go. I hate that too. I hate all of it. I hate people thinking they're smarter than they are. Right. And I've had this because I was good at school and I'm probably autistic and I hate people going.

Shut up. It's not, it doesn't make me think. It doesn't make me think, okay? I was into it as like when I was a teenager, I think I went to, I think there was an exhibit of Banksy's in Bristol when I was 18. And there was sculptures and one of them was Tweety Bird, but in a bird cage. And I remember looking at it going, yeah, he really got him.

Wow, he's torn someone to shreds here. I'm not sure. I'm not exactly sure who he's having to go out here, but they're finished, whoever they are. You know, it's just kind of good. It's just just all the artists, just juxtaposition. You know, this thing, imagine if it was there, you know, you know what I mean? You know, um, filet mignon, you might have recovered it with baked beans. Yeah. You can always put something onto something that's not meant to be there.

You know, you can always put things together that are normally associated with one another. Yeah. I guess it's like a, um like the format is A plus B. It's like two things that you kind of put together and they create a new thing that- Yeah, police and gay. Never before, never before have the two met.

Imagine if police were gay. That's crazy. That is crazy. You know what I mean? Yeah. I thought he kind of pulled it back a little. You remember that stunt he did? Was it outside the Bees or the Christie's?

When they blew up. No, they shredded. They shredded the art. They shredded. I mean, that would have been too far. That would have been too far. It would have been, you know, bold, but I think even for Banksy,

bombing a building is a bit far. But yeah, someone bought, for millions and millions of pounds a framed picture he'd done. And then as soon as the hammer fell, a shredder built into the frame started up and the picture got shredded like most of the way. And that was cool. And it was meant to be, but here's the thing, even then it was meant to be an observation on how the over commercialization of art. But after that happened, the value of it tripled. So I mean, I guess you could then say, my intention.

Doesn't it make you think again? But I can't help it if Fundamentally just make more and more money. Fundamentally just further enrich the already rich purchaser of that piece. So they still had to buy it. They'd already bought it. Because the hammer had gone down. They had bought it. That's interesting. I'm not sure of the exact minutiae of auction law, but presumably, yeah, presumably.

Actually, no, I think probably there must have been a guarantee there. But fundamentally what happened was it became instantly much more valuable before it had even passed hands. God, it's awful. It's awful, really. You know what it's doing? You're really making me think.

No, no! You're really making me stop and think about this. He's making me do his work unintentionally. No! Okay, Phil, who's the second person on the island? The second person is the bartender who worked at my bar at college when I was at university. My college bartender. Yeah. I can't remember his name, but he was a bit too, he was very charm, he was very charming with people, nothing wrong with being a friendly person, but he had

favorites and I wasn't off one of the favorites, right? I'd go, I, I remember once I went up with my friend Rob and he, he and Rob were, were pals and, and this guy was like he wasn't old, he wasn't young enough that it wasn't weird but he also wasn't old enough that he was avuncular. He was only like 10 years older than us, five or so. So he definitely wasn't a student. He wasn't a student. Had he been a student at some point? I don't know. Not at that university. Because I think that is worse. Just to stay behind. To stay on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I remember I went up with Rob and we both ordered pints and you know, Rob got a Guinness and I got a Lager or whatever. And he handed Rob this pint and Rob passed over his money and he went, you're all right, it's on me. And then I was like, oh, and he turned to me, he's like, fuck that. And I was like, oh, right, yeah, let me just get my.

And I think you can't do that if I'm like, do that when I'm not there. Yeah, it has to be a both of you or none of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was just. It feels targeted. It felt very targeted. It was like, it feels targeted. It felt very targeted. It was like you, I, it's hard enough in university. I'm trying, I'm worrying about like the cliques

among the students on this side of the bar. I don't want to feel like I'm being socially rejected by the people working at the bar also. And he would just, he always had an opinion on your drinks. And this is at a time when you're, I'm only just starting to drink. I don't know what you're supposed to fucking do. I remember one day I went up and I ordered a Guinness in black, which is like Guinness with a little shot of black currants syrup. It's delish. Yeah.

And you know, it's a classic drink you're drinking when you're starting off drinking. And I said, can I get a Guinness in black, please? He's like, oh, don't do that. It's going to ruin it. Just get a proper Guinness. And then, all right, then I'll just get a normal Guinness. And then. He's like, oh, don't do that. It's going to ruin it. Just get a proper Guinness. And then, all right, then I'll just get a normal Guinness. And then he went, stick by your guns. I was like, what the, what am I meant to do?

What do you want me to do? So like at first, at first he was making, calling me a piece of shit for having black currant syrup in my pint. And then I said, okay, I'll have a normal, and then you'll be like, are you just gonna do whatever I tell you? I think you're being bullied. This is a harrowing story.

So he was, he would always be there. Just kind of. He was working there most of the time. And then I, and then he, he got, he got fired. I think halfway through my, my time. For doing something bad. I don't, I don't think it was bad, bad. I think it was unprofessional.

He'd done something unprofessional. It sounds like he was unprofessional. Yeah, I mean, just from, you're not surprised after those stories. Yeah. Yeah. Did you have anything to do with his firing? Let's move on to the next person, shall we? No, I did not.

I didn't, I wish, I mean, I've told you the Guinness Black Card story. I'm a little bitch. I didn't. I wish. I mean, I've told you the Guinness black card story. I'm a little bitch. I don't have the confidence to get someone fired. I barely have the confidence to order the drink I wanted. He was right. That's the annoying thing. He was right. What did you go with in the end? Did you just go with the Guinness and black? No, I think I ended up with the non the non the non syrup Guinness. So I had a drink I wanted and shame.

This is this is what I do. I try and I had a drink I didn't want. Sorry, I'm trying to please people and then by trying to please people, I'm like repelling them. Yes. Yeah. It's like you have you have to try and yeah. But it's it's it's so hard when you just want the bartender to like you. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I think he's given me a complex about bartenders ever since. Oh, you carry that with you?

Yeah, I'm always worried I'm not ordering the right thing or that I'm the only person in the bar getting charged. I'm like at an all bar one, I'm the only person they're asking to pay. Okay, who's the third person? The third person is the second, I guess none of these people are identified, but there's a second famous person who's unidentified. And it is Satoshi Nakamoto, the rumored and unidentified inventor of Bitcoin. He has made the world the worst place. He has made people worse. He's

made culture worse. He's made the internet worse. He has made money worse. The environment much worse. And he's turned a lot of men into pricks who needn't have been pricks. Or at least they might've been pricks in different, more interesting ways. Now they're all pricks in the same exact way. Right? So whoever he or she is, Satoshi Nakamoto is going to my dickhead island.

So there's a name, but we don't know. Yeah, Satoshi Nakamoto is probably a fake name. Okay. Yeah. That's who got like the copyright of Bitcoin. That's the person who signed or whatever. The first, it's like a letter or like a memo that talks about the details. But they haven't found who it is? No, they don't know who it is. And I mean, I have to ask, did you...

The paper, is it the white something paper? So Satoshi Nakamoto's person wrote the paper that details the technology behind Bitcoin and the blockchain. And look, it's very clever, it's incredibly clever mathematics, very clever programming, but I wish we didn't have it. I have to ask, did you invest in Bitcoin? That's not relevant here. Why do you think I'm doing this podcast? I don't want to be here. They told me I was going to the moon.

We have friends and colleagues who have done very well out of it. Yes, we do, of course. Yeah. And so, and so. Yeah. have done very well out of it. Yes, we do. Of course. Yes. And so um, so yeah, I'm furious that Sunil Patel has is successful basically. Yeah, so I was like, it would be very noble for you to be anti Bitcoin if you'd made a big profit from it and then donated

that money. But it's kind of fun to be anti Bitcoin. I dabble I like dabbled in it early on for like a week. And I found it, I found it was most stressful. Yeah. Confusing week of my life. And at the end. He's always checking all that. You have to be checking all the crypto talk or whatever.

Bit talk. What is that? I don't know. Twitter, Twitter, Twitter Doge or whatever. Like you're just like, you're just following all these like, all these bros that are just saying stuff like it's going up boys. And then just putting loads of like, um, like those emojis with the dollar and the dollar tongues.

Um, yeah. And then everyone's like, Oh, this is great. And then they're like, it's off boys, get out. And then everyone's like, Oh, it's like so stressful. Yeah. They have to tell everyone is going up. and then everyone's like, oh, this is great. And then they're like, it's off boys, get out. And then everyone's like, oh, it's like so stressful. It's all pyramid scheme. They have to tell everyone it's going up

so that people buy into it so that the value increases so that then they can sell and throw all those people under the bus. It's terrible. It's turned people into opportunistic, I mean, unimaginative lazy egomaniacs. Well, not egomaniacs, but lazy, egomaniacs. Well, not egomaniacs, but kind of egomaniacs. But any development that drives people

to want lots for nothing is not healthy. But how different is it to regularity? And then the amount of time lost, time lost, thought energy lost, physical human energy lost on this stuff that fundamentally has no value at a time when we need human imagination more than ever is not a positive development. And I blame this unknown man or woman.

It's a man I think we all know. Imagine that. Imagine if a lady came up with Bitcoin. They'll be culturally so explosive. Yeah, I think it would be good for us. Right. I think it'd be good for us. In what way?

Well, it would be like, I think it would get us a bit of street cred. Bitcoin, it feels like it's such a... Crypto's very cool. No, it's not cool at all, but those kind of guys would have... They're the kind of guys that you think maybe don't have the most respect for women, maybe. So it'd be like a real turn on the head of, wait, our leader is a woman. What the fuck? Everything we've thought has been turned around. I think that would be great for society.

Okay, okay. This is that's the only way this can end well. What do you think? I just don't know. I just don't know how Bitcoin is that different to regular money. You don't know. No, I do know. I do know.

But like it brings out the same like, oh, I see. I say like how different it's just like a modern version of people getting rich because they're in the know or they've got the they're hanging out with the people that are telling us what to do you know what I mean yeah but there's an understanding that you make money by doing other things you're not sitting there hoping the money becomes more valuable but that's what rich people do but that's the but that is not the goal of being rich is that you have a you go sit somewhere and then your money is making money. Yes, but the money is invested in things. It's not what Bitcoin is. No, the with crypto, you're just waiting for the

lit the value of the currency itself to rise because of demand. But wouldn't that be the same? It's not it's not. because of demand. Wouldn't that be the same with gold or something? I suppose, but not many people... You don't make very much money investing in gold. The point of investing in gold is that it's stable, not that it can suddenly increase in value. So, you know, it doesn't have this kind of culture around it.

And I think the masquerading of crypto as investment when it's just gambling, I think the masquerading of crypto as investment when it's just gambling, I think is, listen man. I think what is fundamentally is I'm very, I don't like gambling. I have vices in my life, but gambling was the one thing my dad told me never to do. And it's just, some things your parents tell you to do,

you ignore, some things your parents tell you to do you ignore something sticky for you to do whatever do not gamble do not gamble just do that line and get out of the casino okay as long as you're shooting up outside the casino i'm a proud father okay By the casino, I'm a proud father, okay? It won't take long to tell you Neutral's ingredients. Vodka, soda, natural flavors. So what should we talk about? No sugar added? Neutral.

Refreshingly simple. That's beautiful. Okay, now mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drinks in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? I think the food, the food is cooked salmon. I hate.

I feel the same. Why is it so different? Like I'm now vegan, but it just, it's so much worse. That's how bad it is. I've gone off it, but why is it so much worse? It is gross, isn't it? Like I love raw salmon, smoked salmon salmon I can kind of fuck with. But salmon sashimi, salmon sushi, delicious. But when it gets cooked, it becomes this kind

of rubbery, meaty mush. And like this, the layers between the flesh, they form like a smegma. It's kind of a fish smegma. You know what I'm talking about? The kind of leaky, white smegma. Yes, yes. It's like watery kind of fish smegma. You know what I'm talking about? The kind of leaky white smegma. Yes, it's like watery kind of. Oh, it's disgusting. And the smell I can't bear. People love baked salmon.

It's like one of the most popular dishes in this godforsaken country. People love baked salmon. And the smell of roasting salmon makes me go, what? And I'm not a picky eater at all. I love so much food. But cooked salmon just makes me wretch. This is probably a very obvious question, but why is that? I always feel like there's bones in

cooked salmon, but there's not in raw salmon. I guess raw salmon, you're having it Japanese style and so that's sashimi and that has to be boneless. But why do they leave? They leave so many bones, I think, because the Japanese are more careful than other people. Yes. That's it. they leave so many bones, I think. Because the Japanese are more careful than other people. Yes. That's it. Yes. God damn it.

There's not supposed to be bones in there. Yeah, but I feel like every time I ate it as a child, there'd always be bits of bones. But when there's smoked salmon, I've never had a single bit of bone or raw salmon. Yeah, that's right. They're all just thinner pieces. Whereas a big old hunk of baked salmon is so overwhelming.

It's so frightening. And I hate the color that it turns, that kind of gray pink. You know what I mean? It's sad looking. It's really really sad. Yeah, I think it was like a real staple when I was growing up as kind of like a, that was what kind of families would make.

You'd go to someone's house and that's what they would have made. But you don't see it as much anymore. Yeah's gone out i think it was like trendy maybe. Christmas i went to a friend's place for a Christmas meal not the Christmas meal but a orbiting Christmas meal and i hadn't said any dietary preferences and it turned out that he'd made three full sammons. Full salmons. Just maybe it wasn't three, two massive roasted salmons. And I was like, oh my God, no.

And I had like a tiny, tiny bit. I said, oh, delicious. And I left it. Because what it means to me when a cooked salmon comes out is, hey, Phil, you're not eating today. You're not eating. You're now you have to watch everyone eat. Which is such an alien feeling to me. This is quite normal for a lot of people who are picky eaters,

but I eat everything. But once cooked salmon comes out, I become an observer. Your role changes. I am, but I think because I don't know if you can say, if they say, do you have any dietary requirements? I don't think you can say not cooked salmon. If they ask my preferences, I will say, but they say not cooked salmon. If they ask my preferences, I will say they're not asking preferences. They're asking requirements. But then I guess you need to like come up with some kind of like allergy or something. Because I have an allergy to like vegetables, unless they're cooked. If they're cooked, the protein goes away. And so maybe you need to have say something like that for salmon where

There's this one there's something in raw salmon that makes it edible to me and cooking burns it off. Yes So you're saying lie? You're gonna have to lie in order to enjoy any social occasion, but I think that that is so unfortunate It's unfortunate because it's such a classic meal like especially like a wedding. It's such a like a wedding Dish right? Everyone will eat some salmon. Not me. Not me. Or like on a plane, there'll be some salmon or like on a train if you get a little dish on the train. There's nothing else. It's just salmon. That's your... Or it'll be salmon or vegetarian. And I go vegetarian today then. It's just salmon. That's your. Or it'll be salmon or vegetarian. And I go, well, vegetarian today then. What a sad life.

It's just such a, it's a real bummer. That and quickly, feta. Feta cheese. It can't be crumbly and wet. You have to pick one. Something can't be crumbly and wet. How have they done that? So feta upsets me. Yeah. Okay. I think those are valid. I don't think we've had those before. It's very specific. What kind of things people normally say? Just vegetables.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I have so many things. I'm just like, so how many of your allergies are real? Are they all lies? I actually need to do something where I think it's really tricky to know how to do this. But the only way to tell if you have like an allergy to something these days is to eat it and then kind of get someone to stand nearby with an EpiPen. And so because the testing, yeah, but I went with testing.

So they said, could you bring like, you have to bring your own like bag of fruit and nuts. And so I arrived with a bag of things and then they put them along my arm and then they tested how allergic I was by how big the hive was. They're like that you could only do so many, you know, you could do like 12 different things. Depending on how long your arm is. If you're tall, you can check a whole bunch of things. I'm not tall enough to know all my allergies, unfortunately. My arms are too short.

Homoskeptom, I'm afraid we've run out of space in your arms. There's no space for peanuts. So yeah, now I've become vegan. I think I need to really look into this, but I need to find the right person to stand nearby with the EpiPen. I don't know who that is yet. How hard is it to stab someone with the EpiPen. I don't know who that is yet. How hard is it to stab someone with an EpiPen?

Well, they just need to be like a very, like someone that's cool under pressure. You know, like, I'm going to start doing like interviews through it or something. Yeah. Ideally someone who's not allergic to EpiPens. Yeah, that would be bad. Just have a massive high from the hand.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What about drinks? Drink, I've gone for ginger beer or ginger ale. I don't know what the difference is. Okay. Ginger beer is like spicy. Okay. And ginger ale is more like flat. Okay. Both a bit gross. Ginger beer is the worst. I don't like that spicy. The fiery spicy. I'm here to have a drink.

But it's fun. It makes you can't really relax. Don't you find it fun? You're like, like every time you take a sip. I just don't know what. No But it's fun. It makes you can't really relax. Don't you find it fun? You're like, ugh, like every time you take a sip. No, it's too overpowering. It's always scary. It's really scary to have ginger beer in your mouth. It takes your breath away slowly. It really does. Ah!

It's like when you have a mint that's too minty. And like, ah! And every time you breathe, it's like cold in your mouth. Ginger beer is kind of like that. You become scared. I find it very scary. It's a scary drink. But do you like hot food? Like spicy food? I love hot spicy food. But not spicy drink?

You eat the hot spicy food and part of the pleasure is you cool it down. You wash it down with it. Imagine you have a really spicy meal, like Korean fried chicken or something and all this chili and then drink, drink, drink. And then someone hands you a ginger beer. Ah, it's just more fire. Bubbly fire now in your mouth. Yeah, yeah, that's bad. I don't like it. But do you like ginger? Very sparingly in food, yeah.

I'm not a big fan of ginger. I think it's fine, but I don't love it. Ginger ale I feel like is just like sugar. It's just like sugar water. That's what, if you feel like nauseous, it's a good thing to have. Because it's just like sugary water, like a Coke or something.

When they have a Coke? You know what I mean? Okay, Phil. Okay, I will. Not scary at all, though. It's actually a little bit scary at the beginning. I like that you didn't know the difference, though. Yeah, I can never remember.

You know, I didn't, I wasn't even sure there was a difference. Why is ginger the only drink that gets a beer and ale treatment? Yes. Yes. You know what I mean? I'm so arrogant. Both of them suck, but I will have two different versions of this shitty drink. Yeah, I never thought of it in the terms of beer and ale because neither of them have anything to do with...

Yeah. Unless, are they brewed? Are they brewed at some point? Is the ginger brewed? Is ale flatter than beer? Yes. Ah, is that it? Is that it.

Ah, okay, okay. That's a good way to remember then. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Can beer be spicy? I mean, it would have to be like a really kooky microbrewery that puts chilli in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got to watch out for that, Phil. Yeah, but it'll be very clear on the packaging, I imagine. There'll be loads of chillies and like skulls. And it's called, is it getting hot in here or something? And it's disgusting and it's 9% alcohol. Yeah, okay. You're safe. You're safe. So fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One has your least favourite film of all time and the other your least favourite

song. What are they and why? I think the film, and this is the most recent film I hated, I think the film, and this is the most recent film I hated, was a baby girl. Did you see baby girl? I didn't see it because I haven't been to the cinema in a long time and it just, it's an interesting film to go see in the cinema I think. Like if you go on your own, is it like, is it a certain vibe, you know, going to see that on your own? I wouldn't go in a trench coat to see it on my own. Because it does look like the kind of movie you'd go. But this is the issue with it. And already I feel nervous because I'm going to, you know, feel like I want to bump into

Harris Dickinson on the way out. Because of what we spoke about earlier, but it sold itself as this very naughty, like, um, kinky movie where a mature woman is seduced into this like really kind of kinky depraved sex by this hot young intern. That's juicy. I'm into that. And then they start, they start getting together the first day and he did and he's meant to be like he's a bit masochistic, right? He's he's he's dominant, he's dominating

her because she's a powerful CEO of the company is his reversal of roles and just kind of coming kinky about women just want to relax. But but he's so hard, he's kind of just so half-hearted about it. He just kind of goes, stand over there. Get on your knees. And come over here, don't talk, don't talk. And then Nicole Kimerson kind of crawling around. It's just kind of upsetting. It's not sexy.

It looks like she's dropped a contact lens, right? And she's trying to find it. And the first bit of sexual contact they have is that she's on the ground on her stomach, and he starts fingering her over her pants while she's on the ground. And she goes, ugh, like that. And the idea, I guess, is she has all this pent up.

The other thing is, her husband's Antonio Banderas, and we're meant to believe that he doesn't sexually satisfy her. That's impossible. And yeah, it It's like, oh I'm sorry Antonio Banderas is not good enough for you. Alright go fuck your intern. And she's on the ground like that because all this pent-up sexual desire that hasn't been satisfied over the years. And whether they're watching, oh this is the kink? This is the kinkiness. You're getting fingered on the floor. British children do this when they're 14 years old. This is the first. This is the kinkiness. You're getting fingered on the floor.

This is you're talking to British. You're talking to British people. We're a country of fucking orcs. This is the kind of thing teenagers do after school, a school disco. And we're meant to, you're talking to the fucking orcs of Europe, and you think we're impressed by this. A bit of fingering on the ground. The things I've seen on a Friday night, you think I'm affected by this? I've been to Canterbury.

You think I'm affected by this? I've been to Canterbury. I'm from Canterbury! Well there you go. You think I'm affected by this? I've seen Leicester. I've been to Leicester on a Saturday night. You think I'm affected by a bit of fingering on the floor? You think this is blowing my mind? Okay, so I'm safe to go watch it. Yeah. But don't bother. I take the kids.

It's not wild at all. It's just, it was an unsexy movie, Masquerading is a sexy movie and I was very disappointed. I wanted to see something kinky. I wanted to see something fun, but I didn't. I saw fingering on the ground and a dominatrix who wasn't really that sure of himself. Yeah, so it would be Baby Girl. It's the only movie I've never walked out of the film

and I came really, really close to walking out because it was just like, fucking hell. Jesus. Jesus Christ. So that would be it. I don't know why that's so funny. Okay and what about song? The song is I had to kind of look up who does it because it's one of those songs that's just on everything. You know that one? Are you ready for this? There's a few in this like genre of the whiny man. It's a lady. Oh. Wow. Missingery is real. Wow. It's a lady. It's Jess Glynn and she sings like this all the time. Yeah. And it's all adverts for cheap cruises. All the song is like, I don't know any

other artist who's... And I don't know any other artist who sits down and goes this song is going to be for adverts and he just and then the amount of times I've heard this so are you ready for this there's no dinner I'm gonna love baby girl. I'm gonna have a ticket to reaching the... I hate this kind of... I hate this song that feels good and vague. Feel good. Songs are always calling to start something. We're gonna get started tonight.

What? What is starting? What is starting? The new... The new traitors? What's starting tonight? We're gonna get going. All right. And there's so many songs like this. And it's also the building to something to revealing what it is we're meant to be getting excited about, but they never ever get there. Yes, everything is is everything is starting to you want the the middle to end point. Like it's like baby girl hasn't reached it yet. You want to see further.

You want the songs to progress further. They're just the beginning. You need more. You need more. Both this film and the song are edging me and they never finish. They never finish me. They edge me and they go, oh, sorry, I need to go.

And to be stuck with that on the desert island, are you ready for this? Also, if any ship came to rescue me, they'd fucking turn around if they heard that. Where are you going? Are you ready for this? I actually think that it would turn my mood around. If I was in a desert island,

I would not have to dance to that song, you know? It's so easy not to dance to that song. The last thing I wanna do on it is... I love that. I hate it, man. If baby girl is too tame for you, but ginger beer is too strong. That's it. My ideal is somewhere between baby girl and ginger beer.

That's it. That's my level of adventure. Okay, Phil, finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it? It has to be a fox. I hate fucking foxes. Living in London, I live in South London, and these foxes ruin my life. They scream and they fuck outside my house and they scream when they fuck and So I'll be in bed trying to have some lovely beauty sleep and then at 2 a.m. And at first your human instinct goes this is a child the child is getting killed the child need to save the child

And then you go that doesn't sound exactly And then you look out the window and sound exactly like that. Ah, yeah. And then you look out the window and there's two foxes fucking by your car. And you go, get out. And I go on the door and I go, a window, I go, boom, boom, boom, get out. And they look out at me and they know I'm not gonna come down.

They know like, they've been living among us for too long. They're like, as if, and they just keep banging. And once, this time, I swear this was a targeted attack, right, because I'm always shooing them away and like chasing them away. Once I was in bed and again, ah, ah, and I'm like, fuck, these things are always, I'm having sex again, I've signed my front door.

And I looked out the window and it was just one fox just sat looking up at my window on its own. Just making the noises. Ah, like, you like noises. You like this? You like this? You like this? You like this, huh? And I was like, I know what you're doing.

I shouted, I know what you're doing. And they shit everywhere. The shits are like really hot, hot. They're fibrous and long and they do it in my time patch outside my house. They're so gross. They seem to have abated recently. I think because I'm calling them out on podcasts. But they're so fucking nasty. And I think what I hate the most for is that before I had this contact with them, I thought foxes were wonderful

and beautiful. And like wild foxes, they're beautiful, they're rare, they're luscious, they're kind of sexy. Right? And then the first time you see a fox anon you're beautiful, they're rare, they're luscious, they're kind of sexy, right? And then the first time you see a fox anon, you're like, oh my god, a visit from Robin Hood and made Marion. And then they go and they shit on on your foot and they fuck in front of you and they scream all night. And they just, it's the drop is what's so horrible is the drop in my perception of them. That's so painful. Do you think this is just what London does to people? To everything. Yeah, to everything. To be wonder foxes. Turns everything feral.

But they just don't have anywhere to go though. That's it. Yeah. And it's to do with the expansion of London and we just built, we just slowly built into their habitat. But I mean, they're free to build back, but they don't. I feel sad, but they always look a bit like they always look scared. Not scared enough because they're still hanging around. Not scared of you. Yeah, they're not scared of me at all. They humiliate me every opportunity they get.

I got stalked by foxes actually and it was yeah, it was very stressful. Really as in like a gang of them? Yeah, like I got locked out when I lived in Streatham and I got, I lost my key. And so I was on the doorstep for ages waiting for someone to come and let me in. And then these foxes were, there was like a fence, like a fence height fence, like and they were jumping and peering over the top and they jumped down again and then they'd go away and then another one would like jump and look over. Yeah, like the birds or something. What were they plotting? Oh, they were on each other's shoulders.

Let me see. Take you in to a step a little bit. Yeah. Thanks so much, Phil. A truly terrible island. Yeah, horrible. Actually, to be fair, summer is quite pleasant. Which bit do you like?

I like the Jes Glynn song. I like that. I quite like See Baby Girl now. I'm a refreshing ginger beer. It's actually kind of lovely for me. A few nice foxes. There's so many worse animals. Than foxes?

Yes. Yeah, but I know they're bad. They're in your life so much, I guess. They're not in my life exactly. Yeah. I don't have to live among them. I don't have to live among them. Yeah. I don't have to live among them. And that is one of the less-estated pleasures of living in the UK is you don't have to live among animals.

Like I grew up in Borneo. There were snakes and centipedes and lizards, and they'd just be in the house. And it's so nice to move here, and you don't have to worry about animals. You can leave food out and a trail of fire ants won't appear in five minutes. That's nice. But now I have to connect with foxes.

Did you actually have snakes in the house? Yeah, from time to time one was slithering. Yeah. Well, they usually stick to the garden to be fair. But were you not on the state of high alert at all times in case a snake came in? Um, yeah, but you have the guard dogs and they, they kind of, that's well just dogs and they keep an eye out for. Do dogs, do dogs attack snakes? Yeah, when I was a kid, two of our dogs snapped a snake in half. I saw, I watched as one grabbed its head, the guy his tail and they did like a Spanish Inquisition and this went like I still remember the sound today. You just really explained why you got into comedy. Why? Because of the trauma.

That was your trauma that led you into comedy. Yeah. Everyone has a thing that means they had to do stand up. That's true. Mine was watching a snake pop in two. That's pretty grim. Thanks so much for coming on Phil. And what are you up to at the moment where people can find you? Oh, I have a special that is still on Netflix. Haven't deleted it yet.

It's called Wanging Their Baby. It's on Netflix. I have a book that's also an audiobook form called Side Splitter. It's been around for a bit. It's quite long paused. called SideSplitter. It's been a while. I can't remember what I called it. I've got a podcast with Pianovelli called Bud Pod. Yeah, that's kind of it, man, for now.

Yeah, Phil is... Oh, and on Instagram, WangPix with an X, at WangPix. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks Okay, thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Marietta. Thank you. Thank you. From early morning workouts that need a boost to late night drives that need vibes, a good

playlist can help you make the most out of your everyday. And when it comes to everyday spending, you can count on the PC Insider's World Elite Mastercard to help you earn the most PC optimum points everywhere you shop. With the best playlists, you never miss a good song. With this card, you never miss out on getting the most points on everyday purchases. The PC Insider's World's Elite MasterCard. The card for living unlimited. Conditions apply to all benefits.

Visit PCFinancial.ca for details.