Desert Island Dicks - PHILIPP KOSTELECKY

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Dan is joined by comedian Phillipp Kostelecky, to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. And this episode features the brilliant Philip Kostolewski. He's got lots of work in progress shows going on at the minute in London, Newcastle, Manchester and then he's in Edinburgh for the Fringe as well so I really recommend checking out one of those or just having a look at his stuff online. Talking about seeing people in person doing their shows we are very proud to be once again part of the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival this year. It was really fun last year.

Was it October or November? We had John Robbins and it was brilliant. So I really enjoyed that. And I am sure it's going to be a lot of fun again. This time we're on the bill with amazing podcasts. Cuddle Club with Lou Sanders. And also a gay and a non-gay featuring James Barr and Dan Hudson and yeah that one's really good as well so it'll be a really fun night I think our tickets are going

to be just eight pounds you can find out more at the cheerful earful website cheerfulearful.co.uk and you know why not even stay for all three of the podcasts could Could be a wonderful night, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm going to crack on now and let's get into this podcast. It's Desert Island Dicks with Philip Kostolewski. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. I'm here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today.

It's comedian Philip Kostileski. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you doing? I think, you know what, i just asked you how to pronounce your name and i think i messed it up no you did it right you got like the basics of it right but i think kostolewski kostolewski is actually so you add a bit more of a uh to it to just sound that little bit more manly you know just a little bit of flair to it yeah yeah yeah, yeah, it's basically right. Well, apologies for that. And let's hope we don't go further downhill from here. You're recording in Amsterdam today. I am, yes.

Recording at the great shit, the events to them, you know. It's a very exciting thing. Yeah, so I'm here in the Netherlands for some shows to basically like work on my hour, get everything ready for Edinburgh because I kind of want the show to be as internationally accessible as possible. So I'm kind of going abroad and doing shows there.

So I'm just doing some gigs over the weekend and then doing my solo hour on Monday, which is very exciting. Yeah, so it's been good so far. I will, obviously, the listeners won't be able to see this, but you can, that I have a black eye in my right eye. And I think we didn't address it earlier, but I wish it was something cool like I got punched in the face.

Well, what I've been saying to people is that I got punched in the face, but you should see the other guy. He's fine. He's all good, actually. He's actually started talking to his mom again, so I think it helped him a lot. That's the little joke that I've been saying about it.

But no, I got it playing basketball. I got screamed by a 17-year-old. So, you know, this is a peak life is what I'm living right now yeah none of my injuries are any anything interesting these days it's like well what happened the reason I'm limping is because I stood up the way that I always stand up and my back is completely ruined now you know that's the sort of level I'm at how old are you if you want me asking I'm 40 40 is that usually what happens at 40 people?

The body starts shutting down. I feel like it's, it's not. Yeah. It's weird. Cause you still feel, I feel like the same as I did when I was 28. It's just,

I'm a bit worse at things, you know, like I've kind of, I've reached that point where I'm like, you know, when you used to see grownups and you're like, why do they make all those noises when they're standing up and sitting down or lifting something? I'm at that stage. So, yeah, fun yeah it's okay obviously i'm a young

whippersnapper you know i'm 25 so i uh and the benefit i have is i'll be 25 forever so you know exactly yeah i'm unfortunately i'm never going to be able to relate to what you say good well um well i'm happy for you and i'll live vicariously from your youthful glow right look we're going to talk about the people and things you'd least like to be stuck with on a desert island is this an easy task for you kind of whittling down a list or or is it kind of difficult because there's so many to choose from for you i think i do get annoyed at stuff but i the problem i have is i always like uh counter argue myself into realizing that I don't really know how I feel about anything. I don't know if you ever get this where you think you have a really strong opinion about something.

And then someone says something that even slightly goes against it. And you go, oh, yeah, that's true. I never thought about that. So I never really know how I feel about things. So that's the only reason I found it hard. But I found like a few key things that i think i i can uh i could be uh against so it was it was i'm not a negative person but i'm also not not a negative person did you see how i just did that exact thing i just said uh that wasn't intentional by the way

that is literally how i i i always i'm just so i'm too i'm too much of a fence sitter i think fair enough well I'm probably fairly similar myself so let's work with what we've got and let's see how we go who's going to be the first person joining you on the island first person so worst person I think um one of the worst it's a it's more the concept of a person than it is actually a person itself but it's somebody I'll use in a specific example and then the wider person that this inhabits. It is a train inspector who lets you get away with having the wrong ticket, but still has to tell you off anyway. So they've mentally decided that they're going to let you be fine.

They're like, okay, look, look, I'll let you by this time. And then they always have this really freaking annoying expression where they go, but next time, you know, as if you're ever going to see this person again in your lifetime. I always think I'm never seeing you again, dude. And every train inspector always says, oh, the next time this happens, this is sort of, there's no communication. There's no like big neural pathway between all the train inspectors. And I think it kind of, again, and this is where i realized when i wrote this down the issue i have is i'd rather them let me get away with it and then get told off then to not get away with it at all but i think i actually have more respect for somebody who just goes no or

yeah sure i don't care i think there's that like i using like this sort of what i call the kind of like the petty position of power people sort of where we have to go through the uh the ceremony like we're both adults here do you know i don go through the uh the ceremony like we're both adults here do you know i don't know if this makes any sense we're both adults we both know that i probably did this on purpose either got the brain train ticket or thought i could get away with it but yeah we have to go through this sort of this sort of pomp and circumstance of being told off uh those are the people i find i find very annoying. I think everyone can identify with those people. I mean, it's such a universally annoying thing, those people.

If you're that annoyed about it, just fucking do something about it. Otherwise, just get the fuck out of my face. Yes, I agree. It's sort of, do it. Just give me the ticket or give me this. I'd rather you do the altruistic thing fully than to sort of go i'm a nice person but also there are rules to buy i don't know i guess i find it hard i think it's also the same where like you get um people at uh what they call my air stewardesses and stuff like

this where they sort of they sort of i guess i feel bad for some for those ones i feel bad because they have these weird laws and regulations and then if you've worked any sort of service industry job you'd have to tell people stuff sometimes that you don't even believe like you don't so i find that that's again this is where i'm kind of conflicting myself right away off the bat there's so many times where no one like i've worked jobs that i didn't want to work because most jobs people don't actually want to work so just let people go you know actually want to work. So just let people go. You know, it's just like, it doesn't have the,

especially I feel annoyed when it's like a young person, like a kid or something like that. And then like as an adult, I can deal with it because we're both adults, fine, whatever, who cares. But if it's like a 17 year old

and they know they don't have the right ticket or they know they bought a child's ticket, like people don't do these mistakes by accident. So just let it go. You know, like I think, I don't know. I worry that this comes across maybe like rude to people who are do these mistakes by accident. So just let it go. You know, like I think, I don't know. I worry that this comes across maybe like rude to people who are in these positions. But I think I also.

I don't think it's, sorry to interrupt. I don't think it's sort of like, you know, it's nothing against train inspectors in general. It's that type of person, isn't it? And, you know, especially like you say, when it's someone who's a bit young or like you see it with a tourist. And, you know, in England, like the train system bit young or like you see it with a tourist. And in England, the train system is really confusing. It's really expensive. And it's like,

what are you getting out of this? Why does it matter? There's plenty of seats. Maybe the ticket would have been three pounds different. You're not on commission. You're not getting any of this huge profit. It doesn't matter.

That's the thing. You talk about the price. That's where, it doesn't matter. No, that's always, that's the thing. You talk about the price. That's where they, that's where they love. They love to do it. This, the, the transpector will go, oh, um, so this is actually an advanced single and this, or this is a general ticket. This is for an advanced service. Uh, I'll let you go now, but just so you know, it would have been 70.

They always give the value that they could have charged you. Oh, I'm letting you go now, but I could have charged you 70 pounds. It's like, well, you're not. So let's, let's, let's just let it slide although the tourist thing i guess is kind of fair because they are actually but it's never this is the thing the information is never given in a way that's like hey look i'm letting you go because i don't really care like obviously they're not going to say that because if that gets recorded but they always do it in like a um what's the word i'm looking for like you know in a way way that they need to show you how generous they're being.

Yeah. It's not just enough that I'm letting you go. I need to tell you the exact numerical value of what I'm giving to you as a service. Yeah. But, yeah, it's just that sort of pettiness. And you can almost imagine them going off after work, like, with their other mates. Okay. God, I had to laugh earlier at this one and

they put an advanced single but of course it was on the uh the other service and uh i mean i'll let them go but i shouldn't have really yeah i wonder how many complaints from train inspectors we're going to get in after this i i do but like we say it's that type of pettiness and and it's sort of when you know when you get pettiness with no particular logic to it, like this is a different example, but I remember like years ago going to a festival and it was the last day and I was leaving and me and my friends just thought,

oh, we're going now, took our wristbands off. And on the way to the car park, a bouncer stopped us and was like, where's your wristbands, lads? And we're like, well, we're leaving. So we've taken them off because we don't need them. And they're like, well, look, you've got to have a wristband on you at all times on site. We're like, okay, we're leaving so we're taking them off because we don't need them and they're like well look you've got to have a wristband on on on you at all times on site we're like okay we're going so yeah i mean

if you don't have a wristband we could just throw you out we could escort you off site but you could yeah that would take you longer than us just going like like you know and it's not it's not the same but it's that weird pettiness that makes no sense. And it's like, just let it go, mate. It doesn't matter. No one's being harmed here. This is the thing. This is where I do still relate to it is because I've worked jobs at events and stuff like that. And sometimes it does get in your head that things need to be done in a certain way.

And it can kind of fuck with you in that way. But whenever that's happened, I've caught myself out. And've got oh no no i'm being like over controlling for no reason yeah yeah of course you could just you could just do this but that wristband thing is great it's always when like the effort involved to to act on the disciplinary action is worth way more effort than if you just let people just do nothing yeah yeah you want me out of here yes i'm going very quickly stop talking yeah i think this sort of person being stuck on a desert island with them oh yeah you know what i was so annoyed at this kind of person i forgot what the concept of the podcast is yeah to be to be on this island

would be kind of like they would it would be the kind of person they would like every time you would choose to do something they would go i don't actually know if we should be doing it that way because according to this like this and that or you know we'd be setting up a fire to get people to to like you know the black smoke so that people can people can see you from afar and it's like well that's not actually sos that's like three notes off and so it's not really going to work philip uh quiet word mate and you're like oh god what's what's happened something serious like yeah yeah uh just just the there's coconut i noticed you've stacked them over in that pile um we did say that the coconut should actually be over here in case of a sudden rainstorm but uh yeah i mean no it doesn't matter but it doesn't

bother me that's what they do that's a classic other people on the island might be very annoyed by this you know yeah yeah yeah just for the others because you know you know what they're like yeah my brain's spiraling off into all these different examples of this person that i've met over the years but i think that would be a whole podcast in itself so we'll move on and i'm going to ask you who your next person's going to be um so again it's kind of a concept of a person uh i do have an actual person as my as my third one lined up i just um sort of like the like an instagram model slash influencer think would be, and it's more specifically the type of, uh, model and they exist both in the male and female version is, uh, the type of model who basically their whole thing is about showing off their body and their abs or their ass and

stuff like this. And underneath it, they have the goal to talk about how like beauty standards are ridiculous and that we should be you know we should really you know the perfect body isn't anything to chase for and i think that's what the fuck are you doing then your whole mo is making people insecure so they can buy these booty products that you have paid sponsorship with they just frustrate me from like a pure just the pure hypocrisy and the unaware hypocrisy of it all. It just frustrates me to no end. And I just think, yeah, I guess I feel conflicted in this, in that there's something about these people who just make all this money off of like selling like beauty products and basically selling their body as their like asset. And we can always pretend that it isn't the case.

People always say, no, it's about the personality and stuff like this. this and it's you look at the photos and you see what's getting the most likes it's not the ones where they're talking about their mental health you know and it's those it's just that kind of hypocrisy and stuff like this I guess and then people always try to spin it like oh it's a real art and skill and I guess like yeah it is they work hard to look like that but oh I just it just pisses me off So this is somebody who I hate to be on the island with. Yeah, because I think there's sort of different levels of it. It's like, you know, on the one end, you've got people who are just sort of models to look sexy and be attractive. And that's fine because all they're doing is they're not sort of making anything else out of it.

It's like I'm here to turn you on when you're bored scrolling. And then the other end, you've probably got some fitness people like here's how to get in shape and this is how to do it but then there's that there's that weird blurry line yeah you could have your top on while you're showing me that exercise or like you know like you don't quite need to be doing it in that position you know it's sort of like yeah i don't know man i think for for me it's i don't mind if someone's attractive and they want to show it off power to them like they've worked hard for it if i look that good i'd do it you know i would i would 100 if i had like six pack abs and stuff like that

but i just it's this it's this like latching on to another movement and i'm not obviously people feel insecure like people can be insecure no matter what they look like. But I just sort of think you must have some level of objectivity to you to know that you are in like the top 10% of attractive people in the world. And I think, I don't really know how this would work in context of the island. I think, well, first of all, I mean, this is me completely stereotyping, but I imagine be quite a high maintenance person to have on the island in general. I feel like every activity we would do would kind of be photographed and be like, we don't even have internet. It's like, but when we do, this will be great content.

You know, when we finally get back to civilization, or they would kind of use up their phone battery on taking photos rather than, you know, saving it for when the chance we do get data or signal on the island. I think that they would just be a difficult person to have. I'm curious to see how they would interact with the train inspector. That would be kind of an interesting. Yeah. Yeah,

definitely. You know, you can't take photos of that. We said, we're not going to take any photos at this hour. Yeah. It's a weird one, isn't it?

I think like it's such a sort of murky world and it must just be, it's just such a strange job and I'm sure there's loads of pressure on them to look a certain way and stuff. But yeah, I guess it's like the lack of transparency. Like if you do this, you'll look like me. And it's like, well, no, that's your full time job. Yeah.

You know, you're always exercising and eating the right diet. And like if I want a six pack, well, it's quite difficult to have the diet that you do because I've got two children and I can't just eat separately from them the whole time, you know, not eat with the family. So it's like, yeah, sorry, dad, he's got a game gain daddy's got to get gains on him yeah with you right now uh no carbs for the next month guys okay because i really need to trim down the level of body fat here so you can see these muscles in my stomach area for no reason you know so i just want a bit more honesty and transparency with it and then i have no problem that they look incredible but like just sort of going all you need to do for six-pack abs is this it's like it's not fuck off at all i need to not have a job basically it's to do that i don't i don't know what it is about it it's just sort of the yeah it's it's the it's the it's the hypocrisy of it and then

maybe there's also probably an element of jealousy that these people all they have to do is just sell their bodies and they can get all these followers and stuff like this and there's probably on a level to me that i don't and i don't know this is a wrong opinion to have but i just don't view it as like impressive i don't think like for me it's i mean you know not saying that like you know i just find i just find women's minds just so much more interesting, you know? I just think what the brain has to offer is just so much more. This, you know, I mean, I'm sort of saying that like half joking, pretending to be one of these dudes. But it is also true. I just think that for what I see online, I'm not saying I'm not tempted by these photos, like, because you are.

There's no way you're not going to be like, you know, but I think for me, it's way more exciting to find a profile of somebody who's like really interesting and doing some cool stuff. I think that's a lot more exciting. And yeah, is it wrong to say that you don't think that's like an impressive skill or something like this? Is that like a, I don't know. I think if someone has an amazing physique that's toned through doing an activity, that's

quite impressive. Yeah. You know, like, wow, you've done that and now you can do this or like, look, you can,

I don't know, you can climb up that vertical wall that has barely any holds on it. And that's why you look like that. Rather than just like you exercise so you can take pictures of yourself. Yeah. It's a weird thing, isn't it? I don't know.

It just feels a bit emptier, but you know, like, as you say, if they they if they're happy with themselves and so many people aren't happy with their bodies so i guess i feel a bit and apparently according to these people they're not happy with their bodies either yeah exactly i don't believe that though yeah but maybe isn't it weird like i i'm like so i'm like tall broad-shouldered so like like but i put no effort in in the gym so i like i'm still like you know skinny and frail but like i look at my body and i think yeah fine but you know and i have a better like through not exercising i've kind of created an environment for better mental health than these people who like really take it seriously

so if anything their workout routines and stuff is if anything it's a bad path i think it's such a fine line because it's like it could be really out of shape start getting into shape go well i'm better than i was yes but then because you're focusing on it so much you go oh but i'm not there now so then you're still sort of unhappy and it's like yeah i just think it's all like a real balancing act but i just think bringing that energy onto the island is going to be a tricky horrible tricky thing because we're gonna we're gonna like you know maybe we'll start cultivating crops and they'll be like oh bread i'm not having bread you know and stuff like that or maybe we

have fish that is too high saturated well i guess it's a desert it's a desert island right so it's like tropical it's not sort of well it's interesting isn't whenever you think of like a deserted island you always think of a tropical one you don't think of something like in the southern coast of argentina you know te de fuego just sort of torrential rain or maybe like an isle in scotland or something like that yeah i mean you can you can make it that if you want i mean we always just go for the traditional sort of two palm trees on a small patch of sand kind of thing but like go for it if you want if you want to make it more hostile yeah that's also fine some sort of like wilder beast on the island and stuff like that yeah okay who's going to be the final person joining you then final person is going to be Taron Egerton what's this is that i think it might be Edgerton Edgerton i think it's meant to be

Egerton but he's probably changed it to Edgerton because it sounds like it doesn't have the word egg in it which is inherently a bit funny yeah the word egg is not sexy um yeah he's on coming on the island and again it's sort of him and I'll be honest my opinion is really based off of one interview like even half an interview I saw okay they were talking about how attractive he is and he just he was sitting there like yeah yeah I'm an attractive guy and it's him another interview I saw with a guy called Austin Butler who I think was in the um uh elvis movie and the the way taram was sitting there he was like yeah i'm an attractive guy i'm attractive yeah yeah i'm attractive and just sort of sitting there and it's sort of this i mean he's fine looking i think he's okay you know um but it's sort of

the inflated sense of ego that he had about him that I just found and it's kind of maybe this is very similar to the Instagram model thing it's all these like Hollywood stars and they they're just like they're good actors they work well he's a great singer you know all this talent but it's just something about him I just found like annoying this sort of this aura of like I'm better than people but I don't do anything and i i guess a lot of hollywood stars they also always have these like social justice causes that they say they care about but yet they don't donate as much money to it as they really could like i guess i'm kind of anti anti that kind of celebrity culture in a way it's quite a hard thing isn't it it's like when

you see bands and they're like they're on their first album and they're strutting around like you know like they're really big time and you kind of think they're like often they have more of more of that energy than like an established act would have that have just have learned to chill out a little bit you know yes it's not sort of assured confidence it's just a bit it's a bit too much you know it's like put on that's what taron's what Taron's got. He's sort of at maybe the beginning of his career. He's kind of a bit of a hot ticket right now, or maybe in the past few years he was. But what's interesting is that it could go either way.

Like he is young enough that he could become like kind of a Michael Caine kind of figure in society or a Judi Dench or Morgan Freeman type of actor, right? Or he could kind of whittle away, you know? And i think there's probably a that i've never thought about that aspect of like a young successful actor who's been in like one or two big films has had a pretty good career but how do they keep the longevity going like how do they make sure they're consistently in films all the way through yeah and i wonder if that's where some of like the insecurities come from you know like um i worked in worked in radio for a long time and like,

often like the biggest egos come with like the breakfast hosts because they're the ones who've got the most to lose. But I always think if that's true, then you should also be the nicest, most humble person, you know, never sort of follows like that. It's like often people are kind of on the way up and they've got to keep this trajectory and it's got to be maintained it's like okay so like make sure everyone wants to fucking work with you yeah sort of being like a bit of a diva and wanting to turn up late all the time you know yeah i don't know if taran's like this i literally know nothing about him i think i've kind of just superimposed all of my anger towards all celebrities onto this guy

what also frustrates me about him is he had um he was in sing have you seen sing the movie yeah i have yeah plays a gorilla in that and he sings uh i'm still standing and uh he is uh he sings that and his father sees it on tv and then he goes over and like his father sees it on tv in jail he rips off in the jail it's a cartoon right and he goes and he sees his son, who he's kind of neglected. And what annoys me even more about Taryn is that, first of all, the song, like when I heard it, I was kind of feeling really rough at the time. And so the song itself, I never knew. And it was, I'm still standing. So I was like, I was like, I kind of felt like empowered by it. Because I was like, you know, I'm feeling bad now,

but I'm still here. I'm still going for it. And then there's also, so my father was like, like left when I was nine, basically. so i had like this double hit of emotion and it even frustrates me more when i found out that he was the guy who did it to me like he was the one who um caused that of me i don't know if that's a weird i have this as well with um do you know the formula one driver george russell yeah apparently i look somewhat similar to him you do a little bit yeah yeah uh minus the black eye probably i don't think he's getting hit all the time. He's playing b-ball. But so last year he won the Brazilian Grand Prix and he was sitting there on the podium and it was like a whole lifetime of wanting to achieve something. And it just

overwhelmed him and he started crying. And I've always wanted to have that moment. But as I was watching him crying, I thought, is that what I look like when I'm crying like I thought I hope not he looked so like wormy and pathetic and it's sort of this sort of maybe it's me realizing that these people I kind of hate also are able to draw emotion out of me which makes me hate them even more it's sort of this really complicated relationship I have with both of them fair enough so imagine that imagine on the island the island I bet I bet if he found that out he'd start like I don't know why we have a steel drum there i'm sure he fashioned one right he fashions a steel drum and he just goes i'm still like he just starts drumming it and stuff yeah i'd be furious because he would have that little advantage over me and i bet because of i think of how shallow he

is he probably he probably get the instagram model on board and the train inspector, I mean, you know, probably be a big fan. So I think I've picked people who would all turn against me. Well, I think you've made some really good choices. And yeah, I think the interaction between them is going to be definitely worth seeing. Wait till we find out what's rest on the island and how all those characters are going to interact.

Yeah, exactly. You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b B S Y N ads.com. Well, we are going to move on now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world. What are they and

why are they so bad? So for food, I've kind of gone for two foods and I've chosen them because they're liked by everybody else but me. And that's cucumber and watermelon. Right. Okay. I just don't like the taste of it. You know, there's just I think it's very it's not really indicative to allow a big rant or something like this. But cucumber, first of all, they're both just water.

It's just flavored water that somehow has managed to solidify itself and not the ice. I don't know how it's done it, but it's impressive. And it's again, it frustrates me because other people like it, but it's just like eating cold tea is what I think it is. And I don't like tea as well. So it's just sort of this huge combination of things coming together. And yeah, especially in the summertime, like it annoys me at bars. Sometimes they put like, just, they just throw cucumbers into water and they don't even ask. you're just like did you not even consider that because everyone's like oh everyone loves cucumbers you know and they throw it into salads it's just sort of maybe it's again my my my feeling of isolation from the rest of the world that everyone

else likes it watermelon and the greater melons of the world it's like ultimate summer fruit isn't it it's like oh it's summertime let's slice open some melons and we're all going to enjoy it. And I don't like the taste of it. So it pisses me off for that reason. I don't know. How do you feel about them? Well, no, I've met other people that don't like cucumber. In fact, neither of my kids like it.

And one of them also doesn't like watermelon. So I understand. But I'm kind of like. Here's the big reveal of this podcast. I am your father. It's weird, though, because I find with cucumber, it's like it Here's the big reveal of this podcast. I am your father. It's weird though, because I find with cucumber, it's like, it's a sort of a very mild flavour, but it's also kind of strong in a different way.

Like you can sort of smell it. Like if someone's chopping cucumber in the kitchen, you can smell it quite early on, like even though it's just nothing. So I can sort of get why it would annoy people, but I find it, I think it's great. It's also the way people eat cucumber is so smug i don't do whenever whenever someone's chopping up cucumber the kitchen they grab it and it's got that crunch to it so it's like a little bit

pretentious and they always throw like wide open mouth like they slice a few and they put one in their mouth and it's just just the whole process of cucumber is uh is annoying to me i can imagine the influencer just going on about how great it is and how you don't need any water and you get so much from cucumber and all the other benefits oh yeah it's like calorie negative no that's celery sorry oh yeah yeah but i mean it can't i mean the amount of calories in cucumber's got to be like 0.5 yeah it's got to be minimal per bushel or something and also i've like with all the pretentiousness that comes with it, you burn those extra calories too.

It's an extra addition. And watermelon, I love, but this sounds pretentious. Watermelon in the UK is pretty just, I can just take it or leave it. I think it's pretty pointless. You go to a really hot country in Europe or Australia or something, and it's just this amazing really lovely fruit yeah and i just find over here it's like it is pretty much like some water in some foam you know like it's kind of like a polystyrene yeah taste and like and it's just and it's

and it but it looks so great you know it really promises a lot yeah it's so i looks great it almost it looks so cartoonish water yeah there's no other fruit i think that combines such colors so strongly that strong green on the outside then that little mid barrier and then the bright pink like it's really it's really quite a fruit yeah and it's quite satisfying because you keep can eat like a lot of you can have a really big slice you know but it's not filling you up so it's quite fun like that but yeah when it's just when it's not right i just find it really annoying because it used to be one of my favorite fruits and i've just given up on it these days because it's just like what's the fucking point in this so whoa that's a strong opinion what's what's the fucking point of this watermelon you know i mean i'm just i'm sick

of i'm sick of getting excited and being let down yeah it's like mango and stuff like that those like like a great mango that'll that'll make you weak oh yeah but the effort required sometimes to cut it and if it's disappointing that's exactly yeah so although i like both these things a lot i understand where you're coming from so what are you going to try and wash it down with what's your drink choice gin you need even more liquid in your body gin gin okay oh awful licorice gin is i think what i went for just because i assume that that exists because i hate to take a taste of licorice and then i just um yeah yeah again very popular drink i just i just really don't like the taste of it. It's so bitter and so like, it's painful to drink.

I also think as context of the island, I didn't even think about the cucumbers on the island. That'd be so great. The Instagram model and Taryn are going to love that because they're going to be like, oh my God, so refreshing, low calories. But in the context of the island, probably watermelon is quite good. But if you don't like the taste of it, it's sort of begrudgingly. But yeah, I think gin would be awful for the island. First of all, it's just going to dehydrate you um and i also don't like the taste of it i don't really have much more to offer on that because

a lot of people do like it and that's the one that i don't like that other i don't mind that other people like it i think it's a weird one because i think gin is basically i'm sure there's going to be loads of aficionados annoyed at me, but I'm sure it's basically just like a strong spirit like vodka that has been flavoured. Like, I don't think it's a whole other thing like whiskey. I could be wrong, but in my head it's like, because that's why I think so many people are able to make it. You know, that's why you get all these like artisanal small batch things

because I think like you get the spirit and you flavor it with stuff and i think you know i mean so i don't think it's like you know 12 years aged in copper casks kind of stuff like that and i like gin but i don't like there's like a gin culture now oh yeah that is that is big i can tell you you the person who invented pink gin. Oh, my God. The amount of money they've made off of the fact that it's just pink. You see the bachelorette parties going pink gin, pink gin, you know, like this. It's an incredible marketing technique.

Well, it used to be like in the old days, pink gin, it was just like gin with some Angostura bitters in which would make it pink it wasn't like grapefruit and rosehip you know and like and a man twiddling his mustache on a bicycle and it's like oh we have a gin bar it's like i'm happy with just a bar you know and i want some nice drinks and i don't want all this crap around it so i have uh i have a fun gin story when i was younger uh my brother asked me to make him a gin and tonic. And then I went over to his friend and I was like, I think I was like 12 or 13. I went over to his friend and I said, Oh, what's, what's in a gin and tonic? And his friend went, well, I'll give you a guess. One of them is gin. And I was like, yeah, the other one's tonic. And I

didn't, but the thing is, I didn't know what either of those were. And so then I made my brother a gin and tonic and it was 50 percent gin 50 percent tonic and he was like i can't i can't you drank this and he's like this is disgusting like why would you have made this and i said well you didn't give me any instructions if you don't know any better you're gonna like i'm 12 and he said you try drinking this and i drank it and it was so incredibly painful first of all when you're a 12 year old drinking any alcohol i know that this like this incriminates him in some way but it was so painful but i couldn't deal with the embarrassment of being first of all not knowing what a gin and tonic was and making it wrong that i was just like oh yeah it tastes great you know

it's perfectly fine but yeah that's the that's my experience that's my first experience with gin yeah i remember like having it um going to like a little party when i was yeah probably about 14 or something and you know you have the friend who has like the parents with the drinks cabinet that's just open they don't really notice if anything's gone you know so they go oh yeah i'll get you a drink what do you want and i was like yeah give me some gin like that sounds cool but i'd never tried it and then i remember like they brought in a little like lemonade bottle or something i remember unscrewing it and just drinking it. I'm like, have you put aftershave in this?

Is this a trick? And they were like, well, you haven't tried it before. And I'm like, I'm trying to put like Skittles in it to try and make it taste better. Like just dissolving sweets in it to try and make it more palatable. Because I didn't know. That works. I can't remember. I think it was that age where everything just tastes bad.

So you just go with it and force it down, know because yeah and the proportions like you say are all wrong but yeah just it was such a shock just going oh fucking hell is this oh god i'm in the big leagues now this is this is awful yeah yeah that's what they say don't they say that i'll put some hair on your chest because that's how it is it's when you when you're you know you know like for me you know so last year probably uh like when you're when you're young and you don't know that you're you know you know like for me you know so last year probably uh like when you're when you're young and you don't know that you're experiencing alcohol for the first time like it's great but it's also very intense experience you know yeah so it'll put hair on your chest but it also feels like it's stripping your insides as well it's very confusing time yeah yeah yeah that's

where all the insides are going they They're turning into testosterone and putting little hairs on your chest. Okay. Well, we've got the food and drink covered and fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. Oh, thank God. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work but just your luck, it only has two working settings.

One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song. What are they and why? So, I will... Least favourite song, I don't think it other is your least favorite song what are they and why so i will um i will least favorite song i don't think it's actually my least favorite song but i thought of more in the context of what would be incredibly annoying to listen to on the island and uh it was uh pump it by uh black eyed peas yeah just because i imagine on repeat That is particularly annoying. And also because the sample it uses that like, I think it appears in Pulp Fiction as well.

That would be infuriating. I found it hard to pick a song because, you know, you try to think about something that's really going to get on the nerves. And yeah, I think it's also what the Black Eyed Peas kind of are. They're a very odd band. They sort of were together for a while. actually had original singer who then dropped out and then fergie joined in um yeah i just think it would be a very annoying song i don't know if you're super familiar with it yeah i i mean i've i have heard it in the distance of place you know it's

been in the background i don't think i've sat and listened to the whole thing but i think it's one of those things that's annoying because well a lot of their output is quite annoying. Oh, yeah. And it's kind of meant for like, you know, it's not meant for me. It's meant for young people having a great time. It's like a song you listen to at, what do you call it? Like school parties?

Or what do you call my school dance? Yeah, like I was going to say, even though it doesn't exist in the UK, I was going to say Spring Break. Oh, it's such a spring break song. We have that idea of what spring break is from films and it's like yeah you know like sticky sweet cocktails and like you know fingering i don't know like it's that good yeah for sure but and it's a bit loud and it's just

you know it just makes me look i like how that's how your mind works you went sticky sweet cocktails fingering that's all youth is about drinking You went sticky, sweet cocktails, fingering. That's all youth is about, drinking the things and fingering. If you boil it all down, I mean, come on. Handjob, fingering, and that, yeah, that's youth. Yeah, and they should be. Like, you know, who doesn't enjoy that combination when they're young? I mean, it's great.

But I don't know. It's just the other thing that annoys me about it is, you know when there's a song you don't like, but it's from, you know, it's based on a sample that you do like. So like that song from the, is it called Miserlew? It's Dick Dale and, you know, it's a surf rock tune. And it's so great and it's so iconic in Pulp Fiction. And, you know, when you think it's such a sort of big tune that everyone knows now, that anyone could have picked that.

Anyone could have picked that anyone could have done anything and it would be in a hit and it's almost like oh but now you've done it it's like Robbie Williams and Millennium it's like that sort of hook from the James Bond film you know it's like you could rap over that you could sing over that anyone could do stuff but now Robbie Williams is making money off it and it's just a bit annoying you know it's like if it was an undiscovered artist i wouldn't mind so much what i find really weird now as a trend is so many songs are being covered like old ones that like i think i even they even did it on a eurovision this guy sung a song that like it come out and so it's very interesting why that's sort of it's like remakes essentially and i don't

know i guess i just i i guess I don't understand this whole culture of always bringing, I mean, I understand why people bring stuff from the past, but there's so much original music. There's so many original scripts. I think it's just more exciting, like to just have something original, even, you know, you can even do a sequel, but just have it like Top Gun,

for example, the new Top Gun that came out, right? Fine, it's a sequel, like 10 years, something years after the making, but it's phenomenal. It's a fucking great film to watch. It's such an adventure. And then you get like real original exciting scripts, like everything, everywhere, all at once. It's more about movies, I guess.

But it's like, it's the same thing with music that like, why are you having a cover of this song? I guess, but then that being said, like Dancing in the Moonlight by Top Loader is pretty great. And that's a cover. Again, I just, but then that being said, like dancing in the moonlight by top loader is pretty great. And that's a cover again. I just conflicted my own argument, but I just don't think that like, I don't think that do a leap,

but is really going to innovate like an old song and bring it sort of to, to, to, to new levels. It just, it's just weird. It's sort of, you're basically taking the,

the, what we really enjoyed at the hook and you're making it so that another generation can enjoy it, but you're not adding things to it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like sometimes with Daft Punk, you know,

I've enjoyed those songs. And then when I hear the original sample and how little they've done with it, you just sort of think, all right, this is. That being said, there are some songs of theirs where they take like 15 things from different

songs and they put it in together. And that's incredible. And I have, you know, I loved hip hop for years and I love like electronic music. So it's not like I have anything against sampling and putting, you know, and using hooks from other things,

you know, and you can like the sample and the original and the new song. That's fine. But I just, sometimes it just feels a bit like, what are we going to do this rap over? This is going to be a hit because everyone loves Pulp Fiction, you know,

and it just feels a bit too route one, you know, and that's, I think, what's kind of annoying about it. And what would your film choice be?

Titanic, for sure. Yeah, I think it's an awful film. It's got boobs in it, so it's got that going for it. But other than that, I think it's so boring.

It is, it is just so mundane. It's long too, but it's like that kind of awkward long where if you started it, you got to keep going. I think that I feel bad about saying that boobs comment. I think it's going to come across really bizarre and weird, but I think it's sort of in the context of the island. You got to think that it has that exciting

moment and that's great. But so many shots of just like machinery and just, oh, it's just, it's just, it's, I've watched it a few years ago for the first time and it's enough for the first time for like rewatching it. And it was, oh, it was a real slog. Because I've never seen it. You've never seen Titanic? No, because, but because I've just, nothing about it interests me, you know? And it's like, I don't particularly like romance films, you know, like sometimes if it's, if it's funny as well.

I don't know if i told you this yeah it's got and obviously then i'm in but not if i have to wait three hours yeah but but i just think you know like i'm not that interested in the history of the titanic i did i used to really like i'd have nothing no no opinion on him now but i used to really hate leonardo dicaprio as well like i don't know why you know you go through phases you just can't stand an actor for no reason yeah yeah and and i think I was like 16 or something when it came out and I just thought well why there's no reason for me to to listen to watch this and a friend of mine I think he went to watch it with some girls and he was moved to tears by it and then the reaction

he got from all the girls was so great that he played off it so much like because you know he was just like this like big tough guy who cried at titanic with the guy and he went to see it about two or three times i think after that with other groups of girls because it was like just milking it and i just think so you haven't seen titanic it's like i've got no interest in watching it i basically know what happened you know obviously i know what happens the boat sinks but like you know i've i know the quotes you know they stand at the front for a bit he draws her something about him falling off a floating piece of wood at the end yeah there's some there's some there's some fun parts like there's a part where the ship like cracks in half and this guy falls down and he cried like he hits his head on one of the bars and it's a

fantastic sound like it's a real thong. And you go like, ooh, right. And the band plays and stuff. But there's so many just stupid things that happen. At the end, it's all about this necklace. And they end up throwing it into the ocean for no reason. The plot is kind of weird. I also don't like it.

It's weird that this girl, she meets the guy when she's young and she falls for him. And then she never gets over it and i find yeah obviously he dies so that makes a huge difference in it but i i don't like when films when romance is so drawn out over like a deck you know person's whole lifetime and that scene is romantic and not weird like severus snape and harry potter everyone's like oh it's so nice that he's still like in love like severus snape and harry potter everyone's like oh it's so nice that he's still like in love with lily potter and stuff but it's also weird like she clearly moved on and he hasn't and we're supposed to be like oh this is this is so romantic it's like a bit creepy actually but again this is where i'm going to conflict myself if it makes

people happy makes people happy but titanic i think the biggest thing it's just so many scenes of like machinery moving and it's really drawn out it's like oh it's it's too long it's it's that right amount of length did i say this where like you have to commit like if you started watching it on the island you'd be like oh fine i guess we'll i guess we'll keep watching it but it makes lots of people happy but crucially it doesn't make you happy and it's your island and i just think what a dreary thing to watch. I mean, I guess there's enough in it that you'd find stuff to pick apart. Boobs. Yeah, the boobs. But yeah, I think it just seems like such a dreary long film.

It's really an adventure. I hate that Celine Dion song from it as well. Oh, yeah. And that's an annoying song so basically what I've done is I've now given myself two annoying songs I can listen to on the island I don't know if it's actually in it

because you know sometimes there's like a soundtrack that doesn't really feature in it but I don't know if it is in it as well I mean just the idea of listening to that whilst watching that is just awful for me I love how you have not seen the film and you're just as negative about it as i am yeah i don't know i i think at the time it came out i just remember the hysteria around it it was like such a big film and you know when you just

you're not interested oh you haven't seen titanic and now it's been like what 30 no i know 25 years of people and you haven't seen titanic and i just think why like it's okay for me not to have seen it i'm like you haven't seen star wars fair enough i quite enjoy it but you know each their own if you don't like lasers in space maybe not for you that's okay you know it's such an air of negativity when you say if you don't like lasers in space which is like wicked yeah okay well finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? So I kind of chose two, which maybe we could have some sort of like half-breed animal,

which is what I have. So I've gone for toads. I find them incredibly unsettling. They're like beefy frogs. I kind of like frogs. I think they're cute. But because of how similar toads look, they've kind of made me hate frogs by association.

Toads, they're just like aggressive and they're meaty and they're big. And they just, they, I have a, like a real, like I'm very frightened by them. And they also like in,

like in Australia now they have like these like cane toads that are overrunning. And so if had to be overrun by toads it'd be such an unsettling experience they're huge as well have you seen them like they're like the size of a rabbit they are so big i've got family in australia and there's been a few times i remember seeing my aunt just take one out once because it was hopping around the garden and it's like how is that thing so big yeah apparently you can stomp it with your foot. It'll explode and it can kind of rebuild itself back together. Like it vomited its insides out and then it could just like swallow them back up again. And they're poisonous as well, which is mental. And they're just so unpleasant looking.

Like they're really mean looking. Like whereas a frog can look quite cute, you know but these they're like dry and warty and like angry yeah yeah they're gonna bully me on the island i just think it's one of those things like you'd you'd be lying there trying to get some respite from all the people and things that you're stuck with and you just hear this sort of plop next to you this sort of like and i bet somehow taryn's gonna be able to synchronize their burps and their things so it plays I'm still standing. And what's the other animal you were thinking of? A horse.

A horse, okay. I think just a singular horse would be an awful animal to have on the island. And it's only, again, it's off of a fear. I don't know when this has developed because I didn't used to have this with horses, but I'm just so scared of being behind a horse and it kicking me in the face. Yes, yeah. The fact that they just have that as like a a horse and it kicking me in the face. Yes. Yeah.

The fact that they just have that as like a power that they could just throw that up is terrifying. And so anytime I'm anywhere near a horse, I could, and just thinking about being behind a horse right now is like making me unsettled. You get animals that are huge, like an elephant or like, but things like that,

which is just like massive, but quite dumb and allow themselves to be looked after by humans i just think i don't i don't i don't think we should be this close to you like you're too big but too stupid you know like a cow or a horse i'm like i don't know there's too much unknown there there's too much weight being controlled by something that isn't that clever yeah there's um well that's interesting I guess is because we've kind of like, we've kind of broken the animal, right?

You break the horse's spirit. And so it's kind of like in our control. So yeah, I guess they, they just have the, the ultimate ability to kill us whenever, just that. And it's like terrifying.

They're quite beautiful though. And they're, and they're really fun to ride like i've been able to ride a horse once or twice in my life like on school trips and stuff or like at a petting park and they're really fun like and it's just that one little kicking of the legs and if we think let's make a combo a toad horse combining i don't know it's not a centaur obviously a frog tar maybe a toad tar or maybe they're just sort of symbiotically related. So, you know, the horse kind of looks out for the toad.

So if you try and get rid of the toad or, like, kill it with a stick or something, like, the horse just turns up and is like, what's all this? With its shoes on. Yeah. Yeah, they are very beautiful. But there's just, like, such power there that sort of... It's something about the contained power that you just don't know but there's just such power there.

It's something about the contained power that you just don't know how it's going to come out. I think I sort of get it. It's at any moment it could just flip on you. Yeah. Terrifying. Yeah, and also they're very skittish, aren't they? So it's like they've got all this power, but they're scared and nervous. It's like, oh, just bad combination.

It's not going to get a good look for you. Well, look, Philip, I think you've done a spectacular job putting together these awful people and things i've had a lot of fun going through them with you and um i think you know i'd bloody hate to be on this island as well so you know you've done i wonder how the train inspector and the horse would work i wonder if the train inspector would sort of use the horse as like a de facto train you can't ride you actually can't ride it's not your turn to go on the horse at this point maybe he'd get kicked in the face by telling the horse where like which avenues it's allowed to walk you know yeah yeah i can imagine it's actually between

nine and six you shouldn't really be on this side of the island well you know just gets kicked in the face so maybe maybe it would be a good thing um hey philip what are you up to at the minute that people uh listening can come and see you? And obviously you're in Amsterdam at the minute, but what else are you up to? Yeah, so I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year, my show at Daddy's Home. We're doing it at The Stand 2 at 4 p.m.,

so it'd be great if people could come along to that. It's every day from the 2nd to the 27th, but not the 14th. Yeah, it's a really, really fun show. It's not a serious show. It has a bit of heart to it, but mainly just like nice like joke joke jokes after after bits and bits and bits and bits and bops um you can also follow me online at phil comedy that's kind of where i do all my sort of stuff uh yeah i'm in london on the 15th of june newcastle on the 2nd of july london again

on the 11th of july and then i'm berlin on the 16th of july manchester on the 23th of July. And then I'm Berlin on the 16th of July, Manchester on the 23rd of July, and then doing the Fringe Festival. And it's just kind of, I gig abroad a lot as well. So people at Phil Comedy on Instagram and TikTok and then at Cheesecake PCK because I was going to go for Phil Comedy, but some guy whose account is deactivated already had it. So I have to use my old name.

So he's also on the island with me. Is that true? But yeah, it's sort of um just a comedian stand up sort of making my way through town no no no oh that would be an awful one to have uh yeah so that's where people can find me nice one well thank you for coming on desert and dicks today mate it's been a pleasure no worries thank you so much for having me i did want to ask one question though is is that do you find that by... Does the, like, always thinking of the worst possible thing, does that, like, add a lot of negativity to your life

or do you feel that it actually unloads a lot off of you? I was curious because I've listened to a few episodes and I was curious what it's like to do this every week. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I've sort of... I think people would... People who know me would find it funny if I said I think I'm largely a positive person because I do like a little rant but i think there's there's humor in it you know i think if you

can get some humor in it and then i think it's okay i think if you're just like like i really hate people who are constantly negative about everything so i think if you're like generally have a good outlook but can sort of channel it then that's i think that's not to say like i'm a happy-go-lucky person as anyone who knows me would tell you i think i'm basically a normal person yeah yeah i mean yeah anger is so funny like like having like an employee who's like just reached the end of it and they start bitching about every single person that works there that's amazing and the best part of anger as well is the second you can get that person to laugh, it just disappears in a second. So that's like anger and hatred, I think.

Yeah, they're super funny. But yeah, I was just curious about that. I don't know if that's a weird thing to ask. No, I mean, I do occasionally think, oh, God, what am I just putting out into the world with this? I mean, I guess I've never had to meet anyone that we've talked about on the podcast yet. So i suppose it might change if i have to have that face i should have written like three comedians down as my uh as my people worst people and then you would have been like awkward you know go thanks again philip it's been brilliant mate no worries thank you so he was brilliant i really enjoyed

uh chatting with him and i think go and try and see one of his shows if you can he's really funny and i think he's going to be really big anyway as i said um head to the website cheerfullyoffall.co.uk where you can buy tickets to see us at the cheerfully offall festival in november in fact it's the second of november but you say you have plenty of time but doesn't mean you shouldn't get them now what else was i going to say oh yeah compact dicks if you would like the chance to tell us who and what you'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island, then do please tell us. Email us, go to dickspod.com slash contact and just let us know there.

Or you can also get in touch on Twitter and Instagram at Dickspod. Right, I think that's all for now. Desert Island Dicks was a Sink Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon, produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus, expertly edited by Chris Attaway. So thank you, Chris. And as always, a big shout to our archivist

and general supporter, John Deacon. That's it for me. We'll be back, I think, later this week with another episode. We're going to keep pumping them out because we've got loads recorded in the lead up to Edinburgh. So we're going to be getting those all out to you as soon as possible. And yeah,

I hope you have a week free of dicks, but if you do encounter a dick, just get in touch and we'll deal with them. Okay. Bye.