Desert Island Dicks - PIERRE NOVELLIE

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Comedian and writer Pierre Novellie joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. Like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes. Which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. This episode features comedian Pierre Novelli. He's really funny.

You can check out his previous stand-up special on YouTube. And he's got a tour that's well it's just started he's doing a run at the soho theater right now in london and uh more dates besides which we talk about during the podcast he's also one half of the podcast bud pod alongside comedian phil wang as well so uh yeah i hope you enjoy this episode. As ever, we've got many more where this came from. We're just going to keep pumping them out into the world. So yeah, thank you for downloading this and listening to it. And as always, if you do enjoy listening to it, then why not leave us a review and a rating on iTunes or wherever it is you get your podcast that you can leave us a rating.

The other thing I would like to say is that if you enjoy this podcast but you want to have a go at it then you can you can get involved in our sister podcast compact dicks which is like a short little one we put out every friday that just has uh listener submissions uh with me and james the former host and the creator of this podcast so you can get in touch with us at Dick's pod on Instagram and Twitter, or you can go to Dick's pod.com slash contact. And you can fill out the form and send us an email there if you want to get more lengthy. So you can do any of the categories like people,

song, film, food, drink, animal, or, you know, just anything really.

You can go freestyle. You can go off piste with your dicks choices if you so wish so uh yeah give us a shout and you could be making history well you could be part of the next podcast um so there you go right let's get on with the show shall we here is desert island dicks with pierre novelli with Piano Veli. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest.

And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian and host of The Bud Pod, Pierre Novelli. How are you doing? Hello, hello, hello. I'm good, thanks. Well, I mean, it's cold. Good but cold. How about you? Yeah, I'm good. I sort of noticed that I'm like clutching my cup of tea, like sort of in both hands as if I'm, you know, surviving a Russian winter or something.

Yeah, or like a sort of a Sylvanian families figurine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's so bleak when you're walking down the street and there's sort of adverts on bus shelters for sort of how to stay warm. Oh, it's really end of day stuff. Yeah, it's very dystopian, January. I think the shittest month is still February though. i suppose it's like when you've handed in your notice a job that you

don't like like that notice period is often the hardest bit you know it's you're nearly there but uh but yeah um so we've set the scene is in terms of being a bit cold and slightly browbeaten i suppose it's a good base level for us to start getting into some dicks. I mean, have you found the process all right, picking your selection for today? I've got some vaguer categories of person. Okay. In terms of the people themselves,

who would be the worst on this desert island, you don't want to be coming in here and saying Piers Morgan or something something because that's sort of self-evident isn't it yeah so i've got one specific person and then a couple of a couple of types of people okay and do you find it easy in general to sort of to vent and i mean or are you kind of fairly level-headed about these things i find it easy to vent if there's space to vent but generally there's not and i think generally it's unwise you can't just vent in someone's face in the moment when you feel like it can you no no unless you're very very powerful in which case maybe you know it's a trumpian thing to do fair enough okay well let's see who's made it to your desert island then who's

the first person joining you first person anyone who chews with their mouth open yes good choice okay anyone doesn't matter who any one of them is as bad as the other obviously we'd like to think that the the most evil people from history chew their mouth open and all the good people don't but life is shades of gray and a noisy chewing i would kill them with my thumbs i would thumb their eyes into their brain i think after a while if they kept chewing with their mouth open or mouth noises generally i have terrible misophonia with that kind of stuff yeah yeah um uh i do a lot of editing, so it really gives me the creeps. I said to my wife the other day, we were working from home and she was on a work call and she had a headset on and she was eating her lunch at the same time. She said to them, look, I'm going to turn my camera off so you don't see me sort of eating.

And after the call, I was like, yeah, you did that. But you've got a microphone next to your mouth while you're having your lunch, which is so much worse. That's so much worse. That's so much worse. That is horrific. Even hearing that, I'm upset. Now I'm annoyed at your wife. I was sitting there in the same room just thinking, how can I interrupt and tell her? Because this is really just, as somebody who works with audio, this is absolutely doing my head.

Maybe because they're in an unrelated profession, it won't bother them as much, but but i doubt it someone immediately left in front of a train after that call that's what i would have done if i had to hear that i get it with listening to the radio with headphones in or certain podcasts i've had to stop listening to um because the hosts develop um weird sort of aural habits you know yeah there's one guy who uh i used to like him but he he starts all his sentences by doing this so like he does like a little like mouth slap and it drives me fucking insane i i hate it so much and there's an like i love the adam buxton podcast and i love adam buxton but there's an episode where one of his guests is eating carrots or something i think i know the episode yeah and they won't stop eating to record a podcast it's so disrespectful and rude and it sounds so gross

and their excuse is like oh sorry i i didn't eat i'm hungry and it's like sort your life out spend five minutes eating this and then get on the phone. Don't be wiping your ass while you're doing your shopping. Do tasks in order. Yeah, 100%. Do you know what? I don't know if it's that same Adam Buxton episode. There was one where he remarked that their book, the audio version of their book wasn't recorded by them.

And they said, oh, I don't know why I wasn't asked to record it. And I was listening going, because of the weird noises your mouth was making. It's insane. What is wrong with you did you just like down a bottle of coke and eat a load of haribo before this it's it if if they i don't know if that's the same episode because i turned that episode off within two minutes i could i just went not whatever whatever i don't care if the secrets to the universe are 10 minutes into this it's it's gone off so that's that's the first person is anyone who does that sort of thing i mean i think on a desert island imagine you're all starving you know you finally get some food you kill a pig or whatever and then you roast it and you think god the first bit of food we've had in a week and then you're just hearing all that mouth noise and chewing with the mouth open and then you think

is it is it is it better to starve so i don't have to hear this again i don't know that's the choice you'd be faced with or just what if i killed and ate them with my mouth closed you know then i'm doing everyone a service yeah because i mean i've got two small kids and it's not like i don't think i've ever had to tell them to eat with their mouth shut i mean maybe very occasionally so it's not something that you even have to learn i think some people just eat with their mouth open well this is the thing it must be from from home life sometimes it's cultural but mainly it's just home life because you like you say you look and you go how has this never come up it's like finding out someone's never had a haircut so you've never had how have you avoided it the only exception is

because i argue about this a lot with with phil wang who i do the bud pod with who do a podcast together and because he's he's chinese malaysian and there's it's a lot more of a sort of slurpy slurpy culture like with noodles ramen soup bowl stuff like so i accept that and to an extent i will accept some slurping when it comes to ramen because otherwise you're basically eating plain noodles and then drinking some soup so there's an element to which the you're trying to get the broth in there with the noodles at the same time i'm a practical man fine but but nevertheless he's he he likes to slurp his hot drinks when when we're talking on the phone and i always just go i just make a noise

at him yeah i would say for ramen it's you know noodles in general it's you know a necessity born by the fact that you've got something long and slippery and you're using sticks so you have you know you have to sort of help it into your mouth and it's fine but but then once they're in your mouth to then make a big fuss about it then that's i think that's a different thing yeah seal it i had to yeah when people eat crisps on the train i can hear i'm like fucking spider-man or daredevil or something i can hear if someone's eating crisps on a train when they're 30 rows behind me and it annoys me you could be in the sequel to snakes on the plane when they said the budget isn't as high. It's like Snakes on a Plane, crisps on a train. Crisps on a train.

And it would be a more violent film if I had my way. Because there's a type of person, even if they eat the crisps with their mouth closed, they crunch them in there with their mouth open. So they don't put it in their mouth and then start eating it. They sort of go, and then the closed mouth chewing begins. And if I could sit and tutor everyone in this country at gunpoint, I would. But I can't, so I sit on the train and I wear these noise-cancelling headphones. Yeah, I was going to say, I mean, it would take a long time,

but at least you'd have a vocation, so, you know. Yeah, and people would remember me. A man who taught a nation to chew. Okay, well, that's a great first start, I think. I think a lot of people are going to chew okay well uh that's a great first start i think i think a lot of people are going to agree with you on that one who's going to be the second person joining the open mouth chewer um the second person is my only specific person who i could who i could easily think of that wasn't like an obvious hack hacky you know i'm a stand-up you try not to make hacky choices you know you don't want to make a route one observation so um this is still a bit obvious maybe if you know the guy but um lin

manuel miranda okay lin manuel the name rings a bell he's the guy who did hamilton okay all right well what's your beef with him i've seen hamilton and it's fine it's it's good even that's fine my beef is with the guy if you look at lin-manuel miranda's tweets they're probably the most powerfully twee things ever he he tweets stuff like good morning just remember that there are people out there who love you and have a blessed day and and all this shit and i just it's really really it's so so so gross man um in fact i'm just checking yes yeah i had a sudden moment of panic that i got the wrong guy no it is him they're so disgusting and supportive and saccharine and twee that i think that having someone like that in a survival situation that's the kind of positivity i can do without yeah yeah i mean i'm someone who when i

was on twitter i used to follow the dalai lama until i found his tweets a bit twee and annoying and i'm like i mean if anyone's allowed to come out with that sort of stuff it should be the dalai lama but after a while it was like yes i know we need to make a moment of fucking calm in our days but i'm really busy dalai come on that's it there's a point where all good advice if it's vague enough it should just be responded to with just oh shut up just shut up just shut up about it oh make sure in fact i'm gonna i'm gonna see if i can find you an example i was thinking about this recently because these days i am trying to look for more good in the world and despite doing this podcast, be more positive.

And, you know, I find myself looking at these little sort of nice, I don't know, like instead of looking at it like this, I'll look at it like this. But despite all that, it's something about seeing it written down when it hasn't been asked for. Yeah. You know, so if I engage with some kind of, I don't know, feel good app or something like that, at least I'm sort of saying, okay, well, let's sort of try and meditate or be positive or something. But if it's just some guy who directed a musical saying, cleanse your aura with this powerful breathing technique, I don't need that from you now. Yeah, I don't think it's useful. This sort of, I just did a mouth noise there, I hate myself uh this kind of positivity that's got

no that refuses to have a basis because i i prefer the sort of positive i prefer i prefer the sort of positivity you might get from like um bear grills you know it's going to be hard we'll have to funnel piss into our own ass to not dehydrate on this boat but we'll be fine then i go okay yeah i i understand now we will be fine in the end but there will be a cost to this it's not free there's a mindset element to it but just going everything's brilliant it's not enough yeah at least if you're like a yoga teacher or you're in that that you know that sort of sphere it's okay it's just that it's not your position to do this like go back and keep writing another hit musical we're okay with that and put some

messages in there in the songs or something but i don't i don't want it on on twitter now from you yeah i'm not learning anything from this and i'm sort of insulted that you think i would learn something from this yeah it's almost like you're appointing yourself as a guru or a sort of a teacher like let me teach you it's sort of it automatically kind of there's a smugness to it like i'm slightly better than you and and here's why yeah it's a it's a powerfully californian sort of here's my truth and maybe it will liberate your truth from you just shut just shut up just shut up yeah that's not how things work that just say opinion it's not your truth it's your opinion i think with things like this as well even if they are really annoying you can't sort of come back at it without

seeming like a bitter angry person even if like what they said is total bullshit yeah because they go you seem very angry and you go well i am now yeah but i've said this before on this podcast but like years ago i went to india with my wife and she had previously done this yoga course there she said oh like come and see my old yogi we'll do a class i've never done yoga so i found it a bit i wasn't really i felt it felt a bit awkward and shit and beforehand we were sitting around we were And there were all these sort of acolytes that had gathered around this yogi. All like white people from Europe. Sure. And one of them who was staying there, after I finished my tea,

she went around collecting all the cups. And I passed her my cup and she took it and she went, Oh, it's still warm. And I was like, okay, it's had hot tea in it. And it's 38 fucking degrees outside. Of course the cup is warm. There's no magic in this moment. It's just science.

Like, I'm really glad that you can find the wonder in a hot cup. But because I find that ridiculous, like, I'm not a bad person. You're an idiot. It's still warm. Yeah, i suppose it is but it's not like and the person died and they were holding their pen and and and i took it from their hand and the pen was still warm it was so you know like that's kind of mate i mean that's a bit of a dark scenario but at least then it's like oh it's surprising god he really died recently but it's like it's a hot cup yeah it's a hot cup in a hot country i mean a meaningless hot cup there is at

least with the pen thing it's like that's the last warmth from a living body yeah but um yes i'm with you on this yeah it's exactly that sort of thing which on a desert island i think would grind really grind you down it wouldn't lift you up yeah you. You've built a shelter, then there's a storm and the water's coming in and you're like, fuck, it's leaking. What are we going to do? It's like, try not to think about the water that's coming in. Think about the water it's keeping out.

You're like, yeah, but everything's still getting wet now and we don't want to get trench foot. So I do think we need to fix this. Yeah. Or someone saying like, just because we're maroon doesn't mean we can't want to get trench foot, so I do think we need to fix this. Yeah, or someone saying like, just because we're maroon doesn't mean we can't dance. Yeah, or like if we had to catch some fish, saying like thank you to the fish before you ate it.

I would slap that fish back into the sea. I don't know, I just, I hate that kind of thing. It doesn't work on me. I think that's why I i resent it i would love it if it worked on me yeah and if i could experience that stuff and go wow i do feel my truth blooming you know because it looks great they're always having a great time these people but yeah but i just i just think it's like you know i can do this podcast where every week i talk about just awful people and and how things annoy me but you can still be positive but being positive doesn't mean you have to be an annoying dick about it yeah or just mad just say mad groundless things yeah it's the uninvitedness of it isn't it with it with this guy so uh yeah

yeah i'm very much in agreement with you that this person would do your head in on an island so okay we've got a solid two to start who's who's going to be the third person joining you so i'm going to be unorthodox here and i don't know their names but they represent something and they're they're a couple they come as a pair because that's how I encountered them, through eavesdropping. I was sitting on a bench outside the Cutty Sark in Greenwich, the big sail ship thing, display. And I was there because I was doing a gig nearby and I was waiting for the venue to open. I was there too early. And so I was just sitting on the bench and it was a summer's day.

And to my left was this couple. and they were both sat on the bench, also looking at the ship. And they were both drinking. I would say they were each like, it was a guy and a girl and they were like 27, say. And they were each drinking a Ribena, like a fruit shoot or something.

And they didn't say anything to each other for a bit. The guy was just looking at his Ribena bottle. And then he said to her, or something and um they were they didn't say anything to each other for a bit they were the guy was just looking at uh his ribena bottle and then he said to her oh like that's how he's like he'd oh did you know and he's like reading from the bottle because did you know that there are over 28 blackberries in every uh ribena fruit or something like that like a fact on the bottle. I remember 28 blackberries in every bottle and the girl went oh and that was it. They stopped talking and I nearly exploded. I nearly my head nearly fell off i what i just oh that kind of like bad conversation

about nothing like i would only be stuck on a desert island with either of them or people like that and they just go uh amazing aren't they sunsets yes sure yeah well do you prefer the shade to being in the boiling sun me too yes say something better than that oh man that couple you sort of think i almost hope this is a really bad first date or you're about to break up because otherwise what you two have it's not great no they've both just murdered someone together and they can't talk about they're just both they're processing their vicious cry i don't know if we just keep our minds busy with idle chat we don't have to think about the thing exactly yeah the bag the big bag full of parts that we're here to disperse yeah we'll drop it over the side of the key and then we can go and have a look around the Cutty Sark. Yeah, we'll look at the old crates.

Yeah, I just... It filled me with such confusion and despair, that sort of thing. It's like, what are you doing? Sometimes we all find ourselves saying stuff that's, you know, completely mundane, but I think if you're able to catch yourself and go, sorry, that's completely fucking boring, isn't then or like yeah sometimes boring i don't know i sometimes find myself having boring conversations that you kind of enjoy but if you you sort of got to acknowledge it i think if you're like all right and then we're just going to carry on are we yeah that

that's it okay you want to just immediately say yeah exactly something like sorry not to be too excited or anything like that like you need it's it's a it's a yeah it's a lack of self-awareness all all of these choices basically have that in common it's like when you speak to someone and they say something like that and you're like yep oh oh that's it right that was the thing sorry so yeah oh right 28 blackberries right wow wow okay so um what yeah what can we do with this now? Just say, oh, what if it was 30? What about, what if that? Yeah, I mean, that would be a terrible, terrible companion to have on a night. We'll say the couple is going to go with you so that you can just overhear their sort of...

Yeah, that's it. Their interactions. It has to be them as a pair, doesn't it? Yeah. I sort of imagine them listening it their interactions it has to be them as a pair doesn't it yeah i sort of imagine them listening to the wisdom of the other guy and then sort of trying to chip in with their own kind of little wisdom but yeah yeah exactly he would say something like um you're never trapped if you have hope and they would go that's so true isn't it because we hope that we'll

leave the island even though we're trapped and the other one go yeah yeah we are we are trapped might be even more mundane of just sort of wanting to reply and just going it's important to get your five a day yeah coconuts are mad aren't they yeah i don't know yeah what do you mean yeah it very much depends on my mood sometimes i almost find people like that a bit cute it's like oh but you're happy aren't you with your shit conversation you know fair enough if that works for you but i mean sometimes i kind of think it just makes me think there's something going on under the surface that that isn't being addressed like you said you know yeah it makes you sort of go well this can't be it so what are you not saying that i'm supposed to figure out here what do you mean by that what

do you do you want more coconuts is that what you're implying are you implying anything are you just filling time um well i think it's a perfect uh trio you've got there i think you've got the breadth of someone that's instantly annoying and then like they're sort of flanked by two people that would just niggle and niggle away at you forever so i think it's a very yeah long yeah it's a good strategy for a bad island so yeah fair enough okay pierre now mercifully among the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad uh baked beans and tomato sauce like heinz big beans classic british

big beans and sambuca good choices right okay let's pick them apart a bit um beans then i'm i'm absolutely with you on this they're so disgusting i'm not against beans as a as a plant or like as a food on their own but specifically baked beans it's just mess it's just this gloopy kind of flavorless it doesn't even really taste of tomato so what's the point and it just smothers everything on a plate it's like a sort of evil gravy substitute or something i just it's a bad taste the texture is horrible i just think they're completely needless they add nothing yeah like i like i like all kinds of beans except for baked beans like any other kind of beans i'm very happy with all the pulses the legumes whatever they whatever group they are in yeah throw them in that's fine

but baked beans there's something just so shit about them like the sauce isn't nice i don't know how they've made the bean like that that you can have that same bean in a can that isn't baked beans yeah they don't they're not that consistency it must be something about they must pressure cook them so high that they're just nothing exactly they're based they're basically on on on the verge of dissolving. It's repellent. It really, really is disgusting. And I've always hated them, ever since I encountered them. Day one, my enemy. And there's something about this film, you know, like if they've been in a pot or a bowl,

they leave those sort of tide marks. Yeah. It's too sticky. This gloopy stain. rings yeah and and as a food the main thing associated with them is just like farting and shitting you know oh you eat those they'll make you fart loads you go wow that's a rip and that's their main quality is it as a food before we talk about if they're nice or good or taste like they're supposed to it's just that they're like an obscene sort of comedy prop of food.

I just think there's no redeeming features to them whatsoever. It's like sometimes, you know, when I used to go into the office, you'd see someone having beans on toast for lunch. And it's like, that's your whole lunch, is it? As a grown-up, really? In the year 2023. And we're in the middle of London where you can buy anything you want for lunch, you know.

Or like people, you know, they'll go out, buy a jacket potato with beans on it, and it's like, again, we're in the middle of London. You could buy anything now. Yeah, and you go, oh, I like the tomato sauce. Well, I don't know if you do because you've basically the sauce is like ketchup half diluted with water so do you like just just use ketchup oh yeah it's it's weird gross children food and i think there's no need for it yeah i

agree i agree i think they're a really shit food um and yeah sambuca to wash it down with then as well oh yeah it's just it's just disgusting it's just like horrible licorice bullshit it's just the worst it's the worst spirit by far yeah yeah I think most spirits you could say that you know like I used to love tequila now I can't drink it because i overindulged when i was young and it just well but you know people go oh if you get a really nice tequila and i'll try one i'm like okay i mean i i'm still walking on thin ice here but i sort of get that you know you get to a certain level there's something good i don't think that happens with sambuca yeah exactly it's not like whiskey or or even vodka or anything else, tequila.

It's just a weird, gross drink that is sort of forced upon you in situations where someone has decided that this is necessary, that we have to add this. I would rather do a shot of cheap vodka. If shots must be done, I have no idea why you would choose something so medicinal and overly sweet and harsh and bad. It's the sort of oiliness of it. Like it really coats your mouth afterwards. Like most shots you go, done, have a chaser.

But it's like when you've brushed your teeth, you know, that's there for a few, you know, you can eat a few things and it's still there. It's like, I'm having a night out. Why this now? Like, why is this coating in my mouth? Yeah, the next two or three drinks will be licorice drinks, whether you want it or not,

whether you like licorice or not. Yeah, repulsive. Where's it come from? Is it Turkish? I think it's, because it is a national drink of somewhere. It's not just, but... It's got, if it's got two season? Is it Turkish? I think it's... Because it is a national drink of somewhere. It's not just... It's got...

If it's got two C's in it, is that Italian? Sambuca? Oh, yes. And a seed. It's Italian. There you go. Sambuca.

A country that gave us so much great food and drink. You know, all the wines. Grappa, I think, is quite shit. But in general, I mean, they've got a good track record. They can give you a good time at a restaurant yeah this is a huge blind spot and why does it still exist it's so strange yeah it's this and like limoncello just like something i i can imagine that i'm reading now on the wikipedia it says okay you can add it to like coffee and stuff i can imagine that being better that's that's the thing sambuca seems to me

to be like a sort of flavoring agent that people try to drink on its own i wonder if people are still drinking in italy though because it feels like something that they would have left behind and the brits just went yeah it must be how it's been exported to here yeah maybe it's one of those things where like i remember hearing that peroni in italy is like what what the kind of beer you drink if you're like a football hooligan whereas here it's you know the marketing is so different and like fosters just doesn't exist in australia no they don't they don't have it it's just for us yeah yeah oh man being hot and on a desert island and just having that because one day you're gonna think I need to just get pissed.

This is, I've had enough of all of this. Yeah. Oh God, the way to, I mean, you're going to need, you're going to need like several shots of it. It's not going to be just straight in there. You're pissed. You're going to have to work at it. And I just use it to start fires.

Yeah. Licorice fires. The licorice scent wafting over your camp as you hear wisdom from the people you're trapped with. Yeah, exactly. Sambuca is nice, but you don't want too many. Yes. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. All right, Pierre, we've nailed that, I think. think so fortunately now you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why least favorite film of all time I think when a film is really bad, it is enjoyable. If it's really, really shit, you can find a way to enjoy that.

And so I think the worst film to be stuck with in that situation, to have to rewatch, is one that is sort of bad, but in a mundane way, where there are errors and plot holes and sort of bad dialogue and scenes that don't quite make sense. But just a bit, just enough to fuck everything up. The comedian Glenn Moore, who's a friend of mine, has a great observation about how it's much worse to have a bit of internet than no internet. And that's exactly it. And so over Christmas, I watched the movie The Wedding Date.

Okay. It's a rom-com with Amy Adams in it. And it's about a lady who hires a sort of gigolo, sort of sexy escort man, to come with her to a wedding that for some reason is in England. Because her friend, her sister, her half-sister is marrying like a du duke or someone who must be a duke based on how wealthy and posh everybody in the movie is and so and her and the best man is her ex-fiance

or something so it's all very oh no i need to seem like i've moved on and i and so i'll hire a sexy gigolo and it's sort of like okay fine solid enough farcical premise but it doesn't a lot of the behavior of the characters doesn't make sense and like all the dialogue is just like just bad enough that you sort of go well you wouldn't say that and then certain elements get introduced and then forgotten about the dad is way too fine with like the gigolo making jokes about fucking his daughter and at the end of the film the main guy who was getting married to the sister discovers that she was basically banging his best friend the fiance the whole time the best man he fucking marries her anyway because a male prostitute who he's only known for two days says it would be nice thing to do it doesn't make any fucking sense at all i can't empathize with

anyone's behavior i just think it would drive me more and more mad over the months marooned yeah yeah i mean it's one of those things where you kind of think right so i've got to go to this wedding uh and my ex-boyfriend's going to be there so what would be worse me turning up and looking like i haven't instantly bounced back and found myself a new partner or me hiring a sex worker paying for their plane ticket and accommodation all the way to england presumably some kind of per diem as well you know to sort of yeah it's very expensive they talk about it quite a lot how expensive it is i think if i found out my ex was doing that to sort of you know ensure i thought she was doing well i'd think i don't

this is so far from doing well. You're doing so badly. Yeah. You're doing very, very poorly. You don't need to do this. Like, I don't care what you do. As long as you're happy, it's all right. Like, I know we broke up, but are you okay?

Because I don't think you're okay. Yeah, and they're in this very vague England. It's the England of the American romantic imagination. They couldn't get Hugh Grant to be in it for some reason so it's a couple of guys who have floppy hair and weird faces and they're sort of very english about everything and they're incredibly posh and everyone just lives in like you know a sort of hamstead mansion or like a pimlico mansion or something and they're like ah london you go what this is not this is not l London. And you know when a film tries to behave as if it's, as if it's touched you or as if you, it hasn't done enough work for you to bond with the character.

And then the film's like, and they ended up pretty happy actually. And you go, I don't care. I feel nothing for this character. You've not earned this. The film does not earn any of its behavior. Yeah. I mean, they could end up happy or unhappy. I care not.

I'm so uninvested in any of these people. It's weird, isn't it? The wedding scenario has been mined a lot for sort of rom-coms, hasn't it? I mean, I guess it's mainly because of Four Weddings started it all. But there's a lot of them if you just think about it it's it's it's it's like the military industrial complex the rom-com industrial complex just pumps out this stuff yeah regardless of demand or maybe not because i mean like demand seems to be pretty set like there's just there's no end to the appetite for this sort of pap

there's just loads of them there's so many and with people who you've never heard of i think it's got to the point though when you do see a good one you have to kind of go so look here's the premise but like it's a good one that's true the premises are always equally shit but then you go somehow they've made this good yeah like i saw one uh plus one i thought it was like you know that's a comedy like a sort of a rom-com about going to weddings, which I really enjoyed. But it's like, you have to give it a very big caveat as soon as you set it up. That's it, yeah. You have to just go, imagine everything I'm saying, but imagine it's good.

Yeah. Instead of definitely shit, like every other attempt has been to do this. Yeah, it is weird that it needs that justification, but it always does. It's like when people go a british comedy but yeah yeah yeah when a trailer comes on in the cinema and it's like british film council funded and you go okay okay there's a bunch of like old old like uh rsc pensioners and a heartwarming film about a village and the blah who blah cobble their resources together to fight the blah and they i mean not everything has to be transformers but equally you know there's a lot of

twee shit out there yeah true and i think that that the mundane couple will be absolutely loving it probably oh fuck of course you know i had not even thought of that they'll be quoting it yeah and then lynn manuel miranda will be saying oh it makes you think doesn't it and i say no no it doesn't the other guy just eating popcorn really loudly don't even know where he's got the popcorn from but he's found it okay yeah that's genuinely a a shiver spasm in my neck there from just the thought of that noise okay i'll distract you from the film a bit what's your song choice going to be this song so so it was a tie between um you know any any any any parody song where the lyrics don't scan

has a special place in hell a A lot of parody songs are bad. But ones where they haven't even really bothered to make it scan and the syllables fit, it's the worst. So it's either that or I always hated Foundations by Kate Nash. Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, I feel like Kate Nash, they went, Lily Allen's popular.

Yeah. Here you go. Here's another one. I did read an article about how, like, she got very Lily Allen's popular. Yeah. Here you go. Here's another one. I did read an article about how, like, she got very screwed over by the music industry. So I always have a bit of a soft spot for her for that regard. Because I do think they were like,

right, be a bit like this. Here you go. Right, we're not going to let you release any more albums. You know, and so she got kind of a bit messed around with. But yeah. They went for that sort of, sort of mockney, sort of ostentatiously londony sort of uh you must eat so many lemons you know that whole thing you are so bitter i just hated it i just hate i don't think that's a clever line i don't think it's a good

joke or funny it doesn't make sense you must eat so many lemons because you're so bitter. If someone dropped that on you in an argument, you'd go, sorry, argument aside, what? What? I'm not even insulted. I'm confused. You must eat loads of lemons because you're always complaining about heartburn. Yeah, your teeth have been stripped of their enamel. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. I just think it's terrible. You know what it is as well? I don't like sass i don't like weak sass like that insult someone or don't don't create this world in which someone eats lots of lemons in stand-up you'd be really telegraphing the joke well you eat you probably eat lots of lemons because you go yeah something to do with being better or sour yeah yeah yeah you completely telegraph the insult there yeah and it's a bizarre way to speak.

And I just remember when that song was popular, it was just constantly on the radio all the time. And I don't know if it was at exactly the same time as this, but in my head it was the same sort of era. Yeah, okay, 2007. Yeah. It was the same sort of era as Dry Your Eyes, Mate. Yeah. And that sort of talk singing that i really hate i died so rarely is talk singing good like just like it's like they're

singing along to the actual singing that i can't hear both of them were really sort of earworms but i'm someone who gets it to a to a degree like I can wake up with a song in my head and I just can't like I can't shake it like I can hear it so well yeah you know it just drives me mad and I think both of them are a little bit like that um so yeah I can see them sort of doing a head in on the island and in a way it's worse that because of her singing style you can hear the words very clearly yeah and there's nothing worse than a song that you hate but you know all the words to from from repetition you know at least if it's like something a bit shouty or you can't really hear what they're saying doesn't matter because it's it washes over you a bit more you know but

yeah you can't really sing along to it in your head as much so that's it yeah and as you say because the words are there they've been sort of they've really been sort of tattooed onto your fucking brain so you can't help but know the very precise anatomy of what it is that you dislike yeah so maybe it's your worst one would be as a sort of a to go back to an outdated format a cassette with with foundations on one side and then kate nash doing a sort of a bad parody song on on the b side yeah kate nash singing um a parody song based on ymca when there are more letters than ymca in the thing she's making fun of yeah i think that would be a genuinely cursed object yeah no i can i can. I can agree on that. Okay, well, Pierre,

finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? It's just flies. They're just the worst. I know they're necessary, but like any animal where what they do is they land on turds and eat that

and then they do the same thing on your food. That's, as it was explained to me when I was a kid, why flies were like dirty. And it really stuck. I just hate them. I hate they, they're impossible to put off. You've got to constantly sort of wave them away. The greatest invention I've ever seen is those little spinny ribbon things that they put over on tables of food in countries with lots of flies. It's like a sort of eternal and eternally swishing horse's tail.

And I, and they're distracting. Like if I'm trying to have a conversation with someone and there's a fly, I can't focus. They they'll, they'll completely ruin that for me. And they, and they're synonymous with decay and the noise.

Oh man. And the, the baby version of most animals is a cuter version of the grown-up animals. The baby version of a fly is a maggot. And I've got such a phobia of them, even though they can't do anything to you. Yeah, but they're so much worse than a fly. That's true. Oh, man.

And in that hot summer, just because, you know, like, I don't know know in your area where you live, do you have the food recycling bins? Kind of. Yeah. But I used to. I dread to think. And I try and keep it clean and bleach it and stuff. But like every now and again, you'd open it up and there'd be maggots in there somehow. As a grown man, I'd make an involuntary sort of shrill scream because i just can't stand them and um the problem is i eat a lot of rice so quite often even if there were no maggots for like a certain amount of a certain amount of months of the year i'm like oh no it's just rice it's okay it's just rice and then i think oh it is rice no it's not fucking right it's maggots fuck and i just stand there swearing for a while until i can pluck up the courage to just do something about it they just are decay aren't they oh but

yeah they're just so bad maggots and flies they just it's just the symbol of of death and decay and they look gross and there's something deep in your evolutionary wiring that says this is bad yeah these are not what you want and you know sometimes you hear stories of like survival stories and if you get a wound and it's infected and then you get maggots and it is supposed to be good because they eat all the infected flesh you know i just think the gangrene i think i'd rather lose a leg i just i i just i couldn't let them stay there i would i there's no way i could let them stay on and just deal with it. But they don't...

I mean, I suppose decay is a necessary part of everything, but it doesn't feel like they're useful enough that they're worth having, you know? Yeah, and I just... They're so off-putting in every way. Laying the eggs for the maggots and stuff. Yeah, just... I was thinking about the worst animal on the desert island. In every way. Laying the eggs for the maggots and stuff. Yeah, just, yeah. I was thinking about the worst animal on the desert island,

but like any like large animal eventually would be quite useful for just like farming, right? So something like flies, a plague of flies. I lived in a house once where we had a plague of flies and it was truly repellent. Yeah. And I think most large animals you could learn to avoid or you could learn their patterns or their characteristics or what, you know, what to anything like oh i hate you know dogs pigs

gorillas i don't know but you just go well eventually you could either you could make some use of those animals in some way whereas flies that's just i mean maybe using them the maggots for bait if you go fishing or something but no yeah horrendous i've got to the stage pierre where my skin is feeling itchy from talking about them for too long so i'm gonna i'm gonna stop talking about them and instead let's talk about uh your tour because uh you've started your run at the soho theater yes um and then you've got uh more dates in february than a gap and then a big chunk for the rest of the year is that right yes although we're going to announce um um let me just get the date right i think we're going to announce, let me just get the date right. I think we're going to announce on the 4th of Feb.

Yeah, so the 3rd or the 4th. There's going to be a date at the Leicester Square Theatre in June of the show I'm doing at Soho. So the first week of Soho, 30th of January, it started. That's all sold out, basically, unless you come on your own. You know, fine. But the extra dates, there are still tickets but um other than that yeah there'll be a leicester square theater date in june there's leicester confusingly leicester the actual town comedy festival in february and then a big gold tour in the autumn after the fringe nice well uh as i was saying to you before

we started recording i just recently watched your previous stand-up special on which is on YouTube and I really enjoyed that so I can't wait to catch the the new one as well so this is brilliant and yeah I'd urge everyone to go and check that out on YouTube now if you haven't already because it's brilliant yes please nice one well Pierre thank you so much for taking the time to come on Desert Island Dicks today it's been a real pleasure mate my pleasure man Thanks for having me. So there you go. That was Desert Island Dicks for this week. I hope you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun talking to Pierre.

And yeah, as I said, he's really great stand-up. So if you're not familiar with his stuff, I really recommend checking it out because it's really good. And now I think all that remains for me to say is that Desert Island Dicks was a Sync Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced by James Deacon. And it was produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus, with assistance and support all the way along by our friend, our companion, James' father, John Deacon. So thank you, John, for all your support.

That's about it. I think we'll be back with Compact Dicks on Friday. Remember, you can get in touch with us at Dickspod on Instagram and Twitter or dickspod.com slash contact if you want to email us a more lengthy response. And we'd love to read out your submissions in that as well. So thank you again for listening. We really appreciate it.

Have a week free of dicks, unless it is, of course, listening to the dicks contained in these podcasts, in which case, fill your boots. We'll be back soon. Thank you very much. Bye.