Desert Island Dicks - POPPY HILLSTEAD

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Gossipmonger and Chat Room Enterer, Poppy Hillstead joins Dan to discuss the worst people and things to be stuck with on a desert island, including a monkey that you really need to google, because it's properly mad looking. Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. In my kitchen, you may be able to hear my fridge in the background. Just a little insight into my glamorous life there for you. Anyway, in this episode, I'm joined by Poppy Hilstead. She's a comedian, artist and podcaster who you may well know from the Gossip Mongers podcast. But now she's got a new one of her own called Poppy Hilstead has entered the chat, which is really good and well worth a listen. I mean, obviously, I still want you to listen to this podcast as well so don't turn away just yet and furthermore

if you do listen to this podcast then why not subscribe as then it will just drop into your phone or device automatically and it's also quite useful for us and another thing you can do is leave us a rating or review because that's something people do these days and it's also very helpful for us for reasons I won't go into right now and if you want one more thing you can do then why not follow us on social media at dixpod but of course I know you didn't come here for me to give you a list of chores you're busy so please wade right into this episode of Desert Island Dicks with Poppy Hilstead. Hi I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to

share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian, artist and podcaster Poppy Hillstead. Hello. Hi, how's it going? Good thank you, we both said at the same time. I'm going well thank you, how are you? I'm going all right, you're in a kitchen kitchen that looks good yeah i've got to say that i've got a very small flat and this seems to be a sort of as good a place as any it's like this or the bedroom but um i like it a little fruit bowl in the background and stuff yeah it's doing all right at the minute sometimes uh we have more fruit sometimes there's less that's the nature of the fruit bar but it is yeah it's exciting like that. It's better than my environment that I've got here.

Blank box. If that means. Well, the rest of my flat, we're trying to sort of like do that thing where you're hoping, we're hoping to sell our flat

and so we're doing that thing where before you leave, you make it look nicer than it did when you lived here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, so half of the flat looks better than it did

and the rest of it is just like a fucking bomb site just a cupboard that we've never opened since we've lived here just piling out onto the floor and stuff so yeah yeah yeah it looks lovely thank you i like it um so how have you uh how have you found the process of uh choosing your your dicks for the island today um i found it hard because although yeah i probably do like have kind of hatreds uh it's it's hard to think of one that i'd publicly be like hate hate this person can you hear that dog barking by the way um yeah it's fine i'm i'm sitting next to a window

next to a road so you know this is just the world we live in now but um yeah it's hard to uh hard to think of public dicks to to show showing this but i've tried but they're probably very uh very questionable and i'm i'm very worried about all of my choices even the even the like you know non-offensive ones I'm just like oh my god I don't really worry I think from from other guests other guests tell me it's a very cathartic process so you know you know maybe we'll come out the other side going god I could pick even more fucking people to go on the island huge list yeah overcrowded with dicks yeah okay well let's dive straight in then who's going to be your first choice um okay i'm going to go for let me get my

notes up hmm i'm going to go for the first person i'm going to say is a is that okay yeah yeah so I'm gonna say that this is this is a guy with a beard um and it's somebody that that says stuff like me thinks a lot and uh calls calls women like wenches uh and yeah just that kind of do you know what i mean yeah absolutely yeah i can picture him i think uh people call them like neck beard or something online and yeah i think i do imagine this guy i don't really know what a neck beard is but i'm guessing it's that little gullity bit covered in beard is that right well it sounds right to me I don't know about the official term but yeah it sounds right neckbeard yeah I think that's right

so it sort of feels like a very kind of real ale sort of guy yeah someone that I think is like I like nerds like nerds are great it's not it's not a nerd but it's

like a like I don't know someone that someone would get he would get angry at like spelling and stuff that's what I imagine kind of a sort of big pedantic um man for some reason I've got this image of him in my head and he's got like a large bunch of keys on his belt you know maybe on like a carabiner like that sort of does that fit yes yeah that does yeah yeah yeah i mean i know this is vague and i don't want anyone to be like oh that's me like why is she why is she saying that because i think it's more specific than that like this is a nightmare individual but i'm maybe i am thinking of a real life person but i can't i can't i it's not it's not that i don't want to say the name it's i can't think exactly who it is but that'd be annoying

and i'd be like i imagine we'd be on this desert island and i'd be like desperately trying to like construct some kind of hut and they'd be like oh actually oh you look at that you haven't like put the any of the foundation like bamboo sticks in and i'll be like oh just shut up so he'd be annoying me yeah all the way all the way through yeah like you're trying to sort of construct a shelter and they kind of go i hate to be the bearer of bad news but i think you you'll find that you haven't got the base level properly tied down there. He's stood there in three quarter length shorts and like he's got like a t-shirt on over like another t-shirt and maybe he's got a hoodie as well because he doesn't want to take it off so he's getting all like sweaty and he's just like deep breathing behind me while i'm trying to build this hut driving me mental so yeah now i'm getting really too into it

no i'm getting angry about this person no i can totally i can totally imagine the sort of person you're talking about just sort of getting quite obsessive about things, but that he has no skill, you know, sort of going, well, you can see by the way they've constructed this, or dug that, it's not right. You know none of these skills. Yeah, exactly.

Like a backseat everything. Yeah, it's just stood there criticising me for my building skills, which I never even said in the first place is something I could do, but he's just going to stand there and ruin me. The sort of person who kind of offers you a lot of advice when you're sitting in a pub and you've never met him, but he's still talking to you and you're like, have we met? What is your game you know

yeah yeah exactly oh god i'm already getting like anxiety about seeing this kind of person again i don't i don't have any friends so if you are my friend and you're you're listening don't think i'm on about you it's more specific and maybe this is somebody that hasn't really even existed since about 2010 or something so maybe i'm really behind with i don't know i totally i have an absolute image of someone in my head and it's such a clear image i am also wondering if i know this person so i think it's just we've all met this guy it's sort of like you know the kind of colossal mansplaining just irritating you know nose me me thinks me thinks uh it's like fucking sharper i'll kill you yeah yeah but yeah i don't know maybe i haven't yeah maybe i haven't seen this maybe this is a a rare thing now so maybe these

these guys are out there still but they should be protected because i think they've been you know they're grown up now and stuff so well they do strike me as sort of colossal virgins so that might be they might be endangered you know just they might be a lack of procreation so it's entirely possible that you know these people um i don't know what the collective term would be i don't know what his name would be you know like now there's like you get names for people don't you like karen is like a thing isn't it like in america like i don't know what this guy would be called but um yeah i don't know what his name is i don't i don't want anyone to think that these are the

kind these actually aren't the kind of guys that i chat to in the chat rooms. The guys that I chat to in the chat rooms are a bit more chilled than that. But I definitely have come across them, but I haven't put them in the podcast because they've annoyed me so much. Like I've said something, they're like, I think actually that's spelt like that. And I'm just like, right, cut that one. I hate him. Thank you. like that and i'm just like right you know cut that one i hate him yeah thank i mean also the internet is the wrong place to be sort of pernickety about spelling isn't it i mean

i mean like now i'm thinking about it this is literally like a fedora wearing person that people kind of like criticized like like years ago i'm just really behind them being like yeah still hate that kind of guy but um yeah there you go you'd be waking up every day to that just following me around just doing my head in yeah can't be bothered with it you wake up they say like oh the creature stirs or something like that sort of thing oh i'm gonna be sick yeah no it's a perfect choice it's a really good choice i uh yeah i've i wish there was a name for these people but i don't know maybe someone can write in and let us know yeah make up a name for that kind of guy yeah yeah but it's a perfect choice and incredibly antagonizing so so yeah yeah great well let's find

out who's going to be joining him then who's your second choice okay i'm worrying now because i've got two two people that one is going to make me sound like i'm really like clever and cultured which i'm most definitely not it's just that i just came across so i'm going to say egon i think it's she she lay she'll that's it egon she'll and he's an artist from i don't know i don't know when well i'm gonna i looked this up earlier because i asked you for your choices so i know i think it's austria but that's not yes that was not because i knew this before when i hear the word egon i think of the Ghostbusters like most people so this is much more highbrow than that but he's a he's a famous artist yeah he's kind of like he's a famous artist that I I just you know I've always seen his work growing up just around the

place and he does these very kind of like gangly like self-portraits of himself with like red kind of knees, red elbows, cute little red nose and everything. But I've always seen that around and I've always been like, oh, yeah, that's really cool. Like, I really like it. And then ages ago, I read about him and I was like, God, this guy is like an absolute nightmare. Like, it's like 18th century is that right maybe that's not the right way to describe that when's he from you tell me he is from hang on hang on 1890 to 1918 yeah yeah so literally i don't know just just he he seems like a poser i've never had this kind of like reaction to someone from ages ago so so yeah usually i'd just be like you know someone in the past i'm just like well i don't know what was going on for you dan i don't know what kind

of person you like because everything's so different isn't it but like this guy i was like oh my god this is like a 20 year old poser that's like just become this like really famous artist so it's like completely self-obsessed like annoying as fuck like like just like but like got loads of girls on the go at once like miserable all the time i mean i should probably have a look and see what horrific things have happened in his life to make him like that but still at the same time it's just it's just a pain in the ass i've never read something from like you know history where i've been God, this person just sounds insufferable. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mean, if you Google him, like most of the artworks that come up and, you know, I like his art, but most of the pictures that come up straight away are himself. And you kind of think you must have been able to find a few other things to paint. I mean, oh, maybe this will be the one. Oh, we'll look in the mirror today. and yeah i think you must have been able to find a few other things to paint i mean oh maybe this will be the one oh all right we'll look in the mirror today go oh i think i'll get my easel out for this one looking good today he gone he does proper like if he if he was alive today he'd be he'd be like famous on tiktok or something like that because he just he's pulling shapes all over the place he's looking over his shoulder he's pouting and stuff and he's like oh i look great there and then he does another

one and another one and he's like oh i look really good there and then some it gets to the point where he's just like you know i've painted myself so much i'm just going to paint myself like having a wank so he does that for a bit and then he gets bored of that and he goes back to the little posing and stuff it's horrible isn't it has anyone else has anyone else moaned about people painting themselves wanking uh i think it's a fairly uncommon one but i mean all i can think is like which hand do you use for what because you know it's like i mean if you paint with your other hand does it feel like someone else is doing it? Yeah, I mean, yeah, you could swap it up, couldn't you? You could be like, oh, I'll get a fancy new painting and it could be like I've not done it

or you can be like I can have a wank and it will feel like someone else is doing it. Maybe he should have got someone else to wank him off while painting and that would have been a whole different ballgame. Oh maybe that's what you have to do and also if you're not only you painting yourself having a wank to do that i imagine you have to be looking at yourself in a mirror to yeah so you're you're watching yourself wanking and painting it so it's like i mean watching yourself wank is one level and then making like and then like putting it you know making it into like a picture for eternity i mean that's

exponentially bad isn't it this is gonna be in a museum like hundreds of years from now and people gonna line up to see me having a wank i I mean he's a fantastic painter. I might put I might have a look at it actually. Egon Scheele what do you call it? Wanking. Masturbate. I'd love it if he just called it that. Egon Scheele wanking

masturbating. There we go. Oh it's just called Masturbation. Okay. Let's have a look. Oh he's not actually... Yeah, I mean, I'm going to say right now, he's painted his dick massive as well. I don't think it was that big. Because if you have a look, compared to the other ones,

there's another little posy one. Yeah, there's some inconsistencies with the dick size, I think. Yeah, definitely. I can't believe, like, oh, God, it's just resulted in me talking about dicks again. I wanted people to be like, oh, my God, she's really cultured and stuff. Nah, it's just not about dicks again.

Well, we're talking about an 18th century painter and his dick, so I think it's okay. It's about the most cultured dick we've had, so I think it's okay. Yeah, I mean, just that sort of personality on the island anyway. I mean, you know, you want someone who's going to be a bit practical and if he's using up your resources, you know, what happened to all this food that we got? He's like oh I've made it into a pigment so I could

paint myself wanking I don't want to be against self expression I think you're great Egon but we're starving just pull your weight just pull your weight spear a fish or something

don't just sit in there with your little like broken off shard of mirror from the plane crash just like drawing yourself wanking

in the sand it's miserable you know the rules chip in first do your chores first and then paint yourself wanking afterwards

that's always been the way you've gone I'm a fair man but but this has got to stop I could write that first and then paint yourself wanking afterwards. That's always been the way you've gone. I'm a fair man, but this has got to stop. I could write that on a board I think, yeah. I'll get some rules up for everyone. One,

don't criticise me while I'm trying to build the hut. Two, just leave it till later the whole drawing wanking business. Just help me. He's not very very he doesn't look like the most muscly guy though that's no that's no problem but i just you know he's just not he's not going to be very helpful really yeah and i mean i wonder how he's going to sort of

react with the other guy that we've got on there already um because i don't know do you think the other guy is cultured would he get the other would he get egon's art or would he just it would be another thing for him to sort of gripe about i think it could be the case that the other guy would um maybe criticize him and be like oh egon you know oh yeah that that bit's out of proportion like that so maybe so maybe it would cause i don't think they'd get on yeah but that could it could cause some tension yeah there's definitely like you know or even if you just sort of wandered over and went so uh what's all this supposed to be that kind of sort of like you know sort of interested but barbed comment. Yeah, a little stab to Egon.

Yeah, he really wouldn't like that. And I think also the neckbeard guy would be very put off by the fact that Egon thinks he's a bit sexy. I think the neckbeard guy would just be like, oh, God, what the hell? Yeah, put some clothes on. Yeah, there'd be a lot of issues, I think the neckbeard guy would just be like, oh, God's light. What the hell? Yeah, put some clothes on. Yeah, there'd be a lot of issues, I think. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, and I mean, he sort of, he had a bit of a, yeah, he wasn't a particularly nice man by all accounts either. He sort of seemed like he had a bit of a checkered past. And it's one of those things like these days, there's so many accounts of famous men getting up to no good. It's like, I don't know if it's one of those things like these days there's so many accounts of famous men getting up to no good it's like i don't know if it's like i mean it's so depressing to just go well no it's nothing to do with this sort of new era of fame or celebrity like men have always just been scumbags

it's do you know what i'd even forgotten when i went back and had a look at these choices i'd forgotten i thought egon shiel was the the safest one of these choices and i'm looking back and like oh god mate like you know it's got women all over the place and then like there's like dodgy stuff they got like arrested for and everything and it's just like mate chill out he died when he was 28 from spanish flu so you know but i'm just putting that in there yeah so he's about yeah he's in his 20s so i'm guessing on the island is in his 20s as well so he's going to be like at peak annoying time yeah so it's very stressful yeah because 28 i mean you are a grown up but there's still sort of you know maybe you're not as worldly and sort of calmed you know you still might be a bit

excitable and annoying and sort of yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean like that is not that I was excusing anything he's done I'm already worried about this stuff now I hate him he's gross I'm glad he went to prison for whatever

okay well people can always look it up on their own and um you know yeah just have a look and then feel conflicted at reading about his personal life yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah good and who who will complete the trio on your island the worst one possible and if you're winning someone really problematic it's John

Chris Felici I think that's how I say his name but he's usually referred to as John K Ren and Stimpy is a nightmare man but he's usually referred to as John Kay. He did Ren and Stimpy. Right, okay. He's a nightmare man. I haven't meant all these pics to be male, by the way. They're just...

Quite all right. I've got two, like, very dodgy artists on the island with me. And now I'm starting to think that the neckbeard guy was it's probably the nicest yeah i should be friends of him like but yeah john k did a um uh renan stimpy so he created the show and then uh um just just was a was an absolute nightmare and uh and then there's some uh some allegations that have come up recently. And yeah, I think it'd be really bad to have on the island. But taking away from the allegations,

even taking all them away, it'd be an absolute nightmare. He's an extremely highly strung individual um but yeah did you did you ever read of him i do you know what i don't i don't know a lot about him like i loved ren and stimpy when i was young and i guess you could say that the sort of mind that could make up something like that might be you know slightly i don't know it could go either way you know it's sort of like if it was just a completely normal guy you'd yeah be like okay that's fine but then kind of going oh well it makes sense if you're a bit of a weirdo you know i mean like i'm gonna say like

i watched it i watched a documentary on him a few days ago and i'd say like he's obviously somebody that is uh quite angry and got a lot of emotions spinning around in his head and uh has got a lot of problems but i'd say that you can be you can be a nightmare you can't you know you can you don't have to be a nightmare to produce uh great art yeah i think i think that he uh you know he yeah it's there's different there's different levels of it i don't i don't really know i'm out my depth i always think it's true though like sometimes when people kind of i don't know you see a lot with like footballers and stuff and they do something awful and it's like, yeah, but you know, when he's on the pitch and you're like, I don't care. Like, you know, or someone behaving like a diva and you're like, yeah then it's fine because you can like kick a ball well like where's the incentive to be a good person if like you can sort of get away with being a dick yeah just because you can do something else well it's sort of it doesn't feel right you know yeah i think i

think he eventually got he he basically got removed from ren and stimpy uh which made him go even more berserk obviously because it's his creation but you know a lot of people a lot of talented people made that animation so um taking him off it was just like because he was just i don't know was just too berserk to be able to make anything so yeah i mean like i i think i think a lot of people made ren ren and stimpy and uh uh you know yeah i don't know where i'm going and so i mean if you've got him he's sort of, he takes himself very seriously. He's really into animation and cartoons. Put him next to Egon... How do we say it? Egon Schill? Schill, I think.

Egon Schill. Putting those two together. So one's more of a fine artist, the other's a modern-day animator, but obviously has a very high opinion of himself. So they're gonna clash like terribly and i mean can you imagine the fits and the sort of tantrums it's gonna be a nightmare it's gonna wake up at like six in the morning hearing them two screaming at each other because you got two

huge egos two people that both think they're geniuses uh you know uh john k is just like he's basically obsessive that i don't think they'd actually have anything in common i think it would just be shouting and mayhem yeah i think i think uh john k is a notoriously um uh like pushed pushed people to their limits making them in making them draw things over and over and over again uh and throwing stuff out and screaming at people i mean i don't know what this island's gonna be like it's gonna be a nightmare it's gonna be pretty horrendous i think also the idea of sort of you know i get that people are really protective and passionate and and sort of i don't know they get really into the detail of sort of you know I get that people are really protective and passionate and

and sort of I don't know they get really into the detail of the things that they create but with Ren and Stimpy it's not you know like it's it was really good but it's kind of got a bit of a wonky aesthetic anyway so it's not like anyone's going to notice that much if like one thing's slightly the wrong shape because everything's a bit wonky and it's supposed to be so it sort of seems a bit like you know why don't you know what's happening in my brain do it better yeah you should do the new series of run and stimpy you can head it okay and uh see let's see what see what it turns out like i think it'll be fine i'll be good i think i think this is about my limit i think i spent the morning trying to paint my bath and that's taken me half a day so i mean not like the bathroom just the side of the bath oh really so the last thing i need to be doing is like

heading up a team of animators i think you can do it let's let's start it let's do it you know what look good if this scene is just like one coat of gloss no does that not work because that's kind of where I come from that's my background making him do it over and over again yeah I can still see some of the old colour through there you did sand this didn't you

just getting really out of my depth okay so he joins you on the island in what is already quite an inhospitable environment you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lipsandads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n-ads.com now poppy mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad? Well, let me get my notes up. So, worst feed.

So, yeah, at the moment, there's been a bit of food poisoning happening. So I'm just going to say, if I was on that state in the island, I would be, yeah, I wouldn't really want anything really because it's just everything's making me feel sick. So any type of feed that would come near me me i'd be like oh not now okay so maybe so any food all food all food just give give me some give me a mint a mint or a bit of chewing gum that's fine but at the moment this stomach is... Especially going through a plane crash and everything. It's messed things up.

Yeah, so I don't want to be vomiting. I'm just thinking about trying to make it easy for myself. So all food except for mints and chewing gum. A bit of mints and chewing gum or um i like um hauls yeah do you know hauls yeah like maybe one or two of them okay cough sweets i've not i've not got really bad issues i've just i've just got this is a bit food poisoned i can't think about yeah i'm sweating now okay well we don't have to spend too much time on this section. And to be honest, given that you've picked all food

except for those very specific items, you know, it's quite hard for me to critique your choice, given that it's everything. Do you know what? Sorry, I was going to say, as well, I did think there are some things that I really, really hate. I suppose, like, I've got a bit of a tomato problem. Okay.

Where, you know, a normal tomato, that's fine. Baked beans, that's fine. But tomato soup is horrible. And I can't, tomato sauce would make me be sick. Okay. Prawn cocktail out the window as well, yeah. So it's kind of a liquid tomato base is going to be the worst thing. Yeah, yeah, basically.

So all feed and particularly those types of feed. Okay. So that would be the worst thing. So spearheaded by a kind of a tomato sauce and then behind that all food with the exception but you know with the exception of like a hall's a hall's menthol sweet and mint and some chewing gum yeah yeah yeah check your pockets guys see if that's what i'd say to them be like everyone apart from egon who hasn't got he's just naked on the beach i'd be like just check your pockets a minute see if you got any got any snacks for me

yeah there you go well I feel that knowing that that you're getting over food poisoning I feel bad sort of talking about the details about the food too much go for it you could have a fist on desert island dicks where someone froze up during the recording session but um so so yeah so is it something about the consistency of the tomatoey sauce thing so it's like oh god it's like the the worst for me is is tomato sauce from the i don't even know if i've ever tried it um but oh yeah i've got i'd say it's almost a phobia of uh tomato sauce that even the smell of it will make me move away i'll i'll not i'll not like that and um yeah there was a they they did, I went to, when I was at school, my friend at the time thought it would be a good idea to put a little bit of tomato sauce on her hand. Just try and give my hand a shake, which happened.

But then I immediately just projectile vomited into the bin next to us. So I've got a problem. Yeah. And I don't know how to get over it. Yeah. And it's quite a ubiquitous food as well. It's not like if you don't like oysters, you don't really have to come into contact with them that often. It's my source everywhere.

Everyone's sticking it on things. Yeah. But, yeah, I'm just not into it i thought you were going to say you projectile vomited onto your friend who did the prank because that would be like a level of instant one-upmanship that would be she's lucky karma i should have i should have just aimed at her yeah she was very sorry afterwards i don't think she realized how bad the issue was. And I mean, if you're in a survival mode,

I mean, having something that's like just a condiment to keep you going is going to be just a terrible idea. Yeah, it's like going to be laid down on the list of things that probably, you know, if someone offered me it, I'd be, you know, what am I going to do? Just like squeeze it out onto my hands and just slap at it or something? Oh, God, I'm going to be sick. It's awful. Okay.

All right, you're looking pained with the image of it, so we'll move on. What would the worst drink be? Oh, it's really, it's tomato juice. Yeah, I was going to say, is it going to be a Bloody Mary or something like that? It's just horrible. Like, why? It's not a normal thing to be. You just stick it in stuff like bolognese or anything.

But not like, I don't know, he's put that in a blender and thought someone would like just a bit of tomato juice. It's just horrible. I mean, I love tomatoes and tomato juice, but I also understand why it's so weird. Especially when you're drinking it and it sort of stays on the glass as you drink it. Oh God, Jesus. I've never even had any i just don't know yeah i don't know why

like why anyone would do it it's calm down guys stop trying to drink stuff you're not meant to well this is the section of the podcast where i'm like i'm genuinely not very fussy with food and drink so i like most things so this is the bit i always have to sort of be a kind of uh devil's advocate you know because i i do really like tomatoey things but I also get it I mean tomato sauce I hate so that doesn't really make sense because ketchup is a no-no but everything else that's red I'm pretty into but it's weird because we're not drinking other vegetables or I mean is it technically a fruit I don't care but you know what I mean that sort of savory plant yeah we're not we're not doing that with other stuff so or if we are it's like in a smoothie or something but not like i wouldn't sell that to people yeah i was in a really crap bar

once and i ordered a bloody mary and the guy working there it was like in an airport and the guy working there was like what's a Bloody Mary and I explained it and it was one of those things that you know when you explain it you sound like the mad person because I was like right you get tomato juice and you put vodka in it he's like so did you say tomato juice do you mean like apple juice or something I was like no no no hear me out and then you're gonna put all this other stuff and then I want celery in there so once i went to a hardware store and sort of tried to buy a cat flap and the guy was like he's like a foreign guy and he went a cat flap and i was like you know like a small door that you put in your door so a cat can go in and out as they please and i was like and he looked at me like what the fuck are you talking about it's mental isn't it yeah when you think of when you

describe these things yeah it's stupid it's just weird yeah it's just like't it when you describe these things it's stupid it's just weird this is the world that we live in billions of years and like why are these things happening why do we have this shit in our lives cat flaps and stuff

imagine once Galileo looking at the stars imagining what would be in thousands of years time and then there's me in a hardware store explaining the concept of a cat flap but it opens both ways no it doesn't have a handle like they can't no there's no doorbell like it's just it's just a flap hence the cat flap just a flap okay so so a sort of tomato based sauce and a tomato drink is uh is your food and drink so fair enough um now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the planes entertainment system continues to work but just your luck it only has two working

settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why um oh god okay my my least favorite song i feel this i this was actually quite hard because you know do i i'm like i'm listening to it is it just like every day well i mean i guess you can choose to put it on or not you know it's like whether you want to plug into the entertainment system i sort of like the idea that maybe there's like one chair intact and you can kind of go and sit in it for a bit listen to the song that you hate the most and then you know if you want to get away from it all oh god okay um so this song is um i think it's called pumped up kicks um and i think it's by a band let me just check what they're what they're called um they're called you know what i know this because i work at a commercial radio station they're called foster the people

there you go i've heard this song a lot. What do you think of it? I mean, I think it's fairly inoffensive, but that in itself can be a problem, can't it? I mean, for the listeners at home, I can do an impression. It's like... It's just... It makes me... It makes me miserable. It's like droning.

It's just like someone mumbling in your ear constantly. It's horrible. i hate it and it reminds me of like 2010 or something which i don't like i don't want to feel nostalgic for that for that era yeah yeah and the weirdest thing about it is like it's quite a sort of summery easygoing lazy sort of song but it's about high school shootings oh is it yeah i should have looked but it's but it's really weird because it's sort of you're like oh this is a nice summery number and then it's actually about um yeah it's about like running away from someone shooting people so it's like is this like it's like a weird sort of trojan horse of a song you like snuck this dark content in there

oh i'm horrified why have i picked all these like controversial things oh god but it's sort of the equivalent of having like a thrash metal song about rainbows or something it's like you've kind of subverted what... It should be about, you know, Stacey, she's the hottest girl in class. It sounds like it should be about that sort of thing. Yeah, I think I should have listened to the lyrics. Maybe that gives it a bit of edge, doesn't it?

That it's about that. But it's still like... Imagine that, and then imagine like Egon and the neckbeard guy and John Kay he'd just be shouting but everyone just having a dance on the beach and I'm just like oh this is awful

like it would be terrible hearing that yeah I think it's one of those things like the sort of slightly insipid nature of it would get, you know, because it doesn't really have, it's not one that has like a really definable chorus and mid, you know, it just sort of just wafts along, doesn't it?

It's quite sort of gentle. So it could be on a loop really easily and you wouldn't really realise. And then suddenly you went, has this been playing for a long time? I don't know anymore. Yeah, you'd go to someone like, oh, I song and on the island the island people be like what song because you just wouldn't be able to hear it from it playing so much it's just like sludge

sludgy music isn't it it's just sludge i've got no particular problem like these guys that have done it or anything it's just it just gets in it's just annoying isn't it fair enough and what would your film choice be oh this is i know people are going to be like why but la la land i just can't i can't cope with it i don't understand what is the issue. I don't understand what they're whinging about. It's just a whingy film. See, I haven't actually seen it. Full disclosure, I haven't seen it.

But I also was never tempted. It felt like... Do you remember? Was it The artist that was that silent film that everyone got really excited oh yeah i don't know if i i didn't see that yeah but it's almost like after that they kind of went ah people like these old and timey kind of things so let's do like something that's not quite as old as that but a return to a sort of a bygone era with like songs and dancing in a sort of old-fashioned way.

Yeah, I mean, like, what is the... I can't even remember. He wants to be a jazz musician. He doesn't really play any jazz in the film. She wants to... I don't know what's the problem. She wants to be famous, I think, and then they're just singing about how sad they are that each thing's not happening. and i don't i don't get the maybe oh god maybe i'll look back through the plot and there'll be some horrible thing

that's like i've just completely missed that has like fueled this do you know what i mean i feel like i just i just can't be bothered with it yeah it's one of those, you know sometimes when there's a film that comes out that everybody's into but you just think, I've never seen Titanic because I'm just not interested, you know you haven't seen Titanic it's like three hours long, I've seen enough

references now that I basically I mean I know what happened with the Titanic obviously I mean I'm not stupid but you know you just think well you've seen enough spoofs and scenes and stuff that eventually you've kind of basically seen it yeah I get you

like that's the thing you don't need to watch La La Land you don't need to watch Titanic just watch making of Titanic that's a bit fun seeing people sliding down the fake Titanic and the green screen and stuff just watch that i think yeah la la land's just i don't know everyone likes it but i'm not i'm just not i just can't be i can't be bothered yeah and is it is it is it a full-on musical or

is it oh they're just uh is there sort of incidental songs in it? I can't remember. I can't remember anything about it. I think it's like, I know at one point they're dancing on top of cars and that looks fun, I suppose. I think it's like the first song's like, they're just dancing because it's summer or something. I can't remember.

I know they're dancing on cars, singing about shit. I can't remember. But it's just like, yeah, my God, summer. And then it's like singing because I'm sad because I'm not famous. And then the other guy being like, I'm sad because, I don't know why he's sad.

I don't know. Guys, help. Tell me the plot. The dancing on cars thing bothers me slightly because it always looks fine in a film. They're always doing it in films, aren't they? That's what you do when you're in love and you're young. You go and dance on some cars.

But imagine if you looked outside your window and you saw someone dancing on the car roof. It'd just be like, what are you doing? It's irresponsible. You can put some dents in. Yeah, you can put some dents in that. you saw someone like dancing on the roof car roof yeah just be like what are you doing i mean it's irresponsible you can put some dents in yeah you can put some dents in that like even if i went up on a car roof now outside like i don't know if cars have changed since i was younger and standing on cars and stuff but uh i'm thinking maybe it'd cause a dents. Like, my feet are... I've got, like, size 3 feet, which is really small,

but, like, they can even cause some damage. But maybe that's because you've got, like, there's more pressure because it's a smaller footprint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a little, like, spike, isn't it? Yeah. Just walking across, ruining cars but yeah um fair enough yeah i'd maybe i guess maybe in the old days when it was set cars were made of lead and

rock and and things like that so you could that was the golden age of dancing on cars really was these days you know there's aluminium is used more and everything's a bit frizzier, you know. Yeah. It's not made of like four inch thick steel. So, yeah, I think it's not really for our times, dancing on cars. Yeah, exactly. Back in the day, not now. You'll fall through them. Okay.

So that joins you on the island. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Let me just have a look what it's called because I want to get its name right. It's called Bald Uakari. And it's basically a monkey that looks like it's had its head blown off. Like it's got, it's terrifying looking it's like normal monkey body but then its head is like looks like it's just been put in an oven or something like it's just i don't know why

why or how that creature has evolved or what is the need for why would you need that yeah i'm looking at it now and it's terrifying. And as I've Googled it, an article has come up, a video has come up, and it's titled Red-Faced, Hairless and Handsome, which no one's calling this monkey handsome because it's terrifying. What the hell? He's the author of that. They're in some mad shit. I think that's handsome. And the top of its head's kind of arse-shaped as well, isn't it?

Like, the top of the head is very bum-shaped. Arse-shaped. So it looks like a sort of very angry arse in a fur coat. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. Why? Why is, like, that evolved to look like that?

I feel like, because I have a young child, I watch a lot of Pixar films and things with anthropomorphised animals, and it would be a really good bad guy, because it's got a furry back and it's got this weird crimson face. You can imagine it turning around in a big chair. But then people would just be like, what's up with that character why has its head been like burnt yeah why does it look like it's just been in the sun for like 100 hours and it's

like just just its head it's it's it's just horrible like i don't know why like i don't know why evolution has made that like for what for what reason it's so strange isn't it because the rest of it is so furry its head looks extra bald and sort of red and it looks like yeah you're right it looks like it's been had some kind of accident doesn't it yeah it does it looks it looks in. Like if I was living in wherever it's from and I kept seeing that popping up, I'd be taking them to the vet constantly. I'd literally find one, stick it in the boot of the car, drive it to the vet.

I'd be spending so much money trying to get these things fixed. And it's just what it's like. It's just born like that. Just putting lots of E45 on it gently. Going through tubes and tubes of the stuff trying to fix this monkey's red face. And put face masks on it and stuff. And just like covering it with a bit of concealer

and just trying to sew it out a little bit. It's so weird. I think... Because a lot of... Obviously with monkeys and apes you know there's so much similarity to us and you feel like there's always this kind of you know like oh you can read so much into their expressions and like you know i watched a program about those monkeys in japan that they live in the snow but they sit in these hot springs and you can just see the relaxation

as they get in the bath in these hot springs it's like looks like a human getting in the bath these just look like mad angry like you know when like a sort of a bald guy gets so angry and red-faced you know like really you know you see a picture like a football hooligan just screaming or like that they kind of look like the monkey version of that yeah making me believe in reincarnation i think that's where they came from it's just a little football hooligan in a little like fancy fur coat weird mixture of things yeah together but yeah i don't know i don't know what's wrong with it and just just the thought of just being on an island having to deal with the you know the weird guys and the you know pump pumped up kid what is it pumped up kicks playing and then just seeing that every now and then popping around the tree yeah just seeing a little red face in the jungle i'd have

a panic attack it'd be awful it's like why the fuck's that just uh yeah and you couldn't do anything you couldn't eat it you can't give it a cuddle because it's just horrible. And I imagine that the head is, like, sweaty as well. And also, yeah, it looked like it would be really hot to touch, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. I think as well, like, anything with monkeys and apes, they're just difficult animals because they're so intelligent and so agile. And, you you know we've spoken about them on this podcast before they're sort of like you know as physical as a dog but

quicker and smarter and you know they're just like humans they're just bastards basically yeah i wouldn't know what that thing was capable of and i'd be like is that gonna like is that gonna try and do something is that gonna try and and make a bow and arrow out of something and try and shoot me or something? I don't know how clever that one is. I've got no idea. Well, I think they're all vaguely clever, aren't they? To start with, the base level of intelligence is probably quite smart.

Yeah. I don't know. But yeah, I urge everyone to Google these because they're just horrendous. What are they called again? Uakaris. Uwakaris. Bald Uwakaris. Bald Uwakaris.

And you get them in white and red. So there's one with a nice red coat. There's one with a little white coat. The one with the white coat makes the burnt head even more like the contrast there. You know, maybe I should get Egan Shiley. I've forgotten his name already to uh to paint one of them he's quite into that kind of like those kind of colors so yeah well maybe he'd i mean that's the thing you'd see something red-faced and think it was

the monkey but it's just egon wanking in a bush again it's like oh he gone give it a rest please well i think you've done a superb job of making a thoroughly unpleasant place in which to spend the rest of your life so bravo you've done really well and poppy where can people see or hear more of you um you can uh listen to my my podcast that is called poppy hillstead has entered the chat and it is on wherever you get your podcasts from and uh yeah i go into chat rooms have real conversations with people and then i reenact them with friends so yeah and you know what before i tell everyone how good it is i'm gonna say with a caveat, before I tell everyone that it's brilliant, you have to still keep listening to this podcast as well. But honestly, it's so funny.

I listened to every episode today while I was doing some DIY and I was pissing myself. It was so good. So I really do recommend it heartily. And no one has paid me to say that. It's just really, really good. Got no money could offer you like three quid or something it's all right you can put it into the pot for the next one i can feel that i've contributed yeah yeah there you go that's nice isn't it oh yeah it's been great cool well uh thank you very much for coming on and uh

yeah thanks for sharing your dicks with us thank you very much for coming on. And yeah, thanks for sharing your dicks with us. Thank you very much. Bye.