Desert Island Dicks - RACHEL FAIRBURN

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Rachel Fairburn joins us today to discuss all that is wrong in the world, or rather all that could be wrong in the world, if her world was a desert island full of people and things she hated. She does a fine job, so roll up your ears and swallow down some fresh dicks. Don't forget you can come and see the show live in October as part of the Cheerful Earful podcast, by googling that or by following the link that I've put along with this episode. Bye. e Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Hello, I'm Dan. I'm the man who talks to you on Desert Island Dicks. Most of you will know that already. Some of you won't care. Both of those reactions are fine with me. Today we have the very funny Rachel Fairburn joining us. She's one half of the podcast All Killer No Filler with Kiri Pritchard-McLean. And she's funny, and that's what we like in our guests.

Funny or interesting, preferably both. So I hope you agree. As always, if you could give us a little rating and a review, a subscribe, a mention to your friends. Yeah, just tell your friends, if nothing else. That would be hugely useful to us because, you know, we're basically most of the time like three guys just doing this off our own backs. So, you know, when you don't have the weight of a large company behind you sort of helping you to push this out any extra support is needed come on let's stick it to the man of podcasting and with that i will leave you alone and let you get on with listening to this show

this is desert island dicks with rachel fairburn Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their desert island dicks with us today is comedian and one half of the all killer, no filler podcast. It's Rachel Fairburn. How are you? Yeah, thank you for having me. Thanks for joining us.

This is my kind of thing to do. It's morning that we're recording this and this is what I like to do in the morning, complain. So this is great. Perfect. So we've got you right at the best time of day. This is the best time to get me nice one i think because the thing is i feel definitely at my angriest in the morning but i'm also at my sort of most monosyllabic and sort of least able to talk

so they kind of don't always tie in well i mean by generally by this time i'm okay but you know oh no i am i mean i'm an early riser anyway so I got up at like seven no matter what I'm up I'm awake and I uh I'm angry I'm annoyed but see I get it out of the way and then by about 11 30 12 I'm just really placid so you know get it out of the way in the morning everything's fine nice I think these days if I could have any superpower I'm talking like invisibility flight everything I would choose being able to wake up easily in the morning because that was the one thing that would improve my life no end I've been up since half five today because my kids and like it never gets any easier and I just think there's people who naturally wake up early and I think if I was them

it would be a bit less hard it just means the day's longer and more boring I wouldn't recommend it that's true okay well look so we we've said uh you know that you know you like a bit of a rant and a moan so does that did that make the process of choosing your dicks easier or was it harder to sort of narrow it down um there's some things that I'm very sort of, it's more sort of types of people than specific people with me. But I think with the three people I've chosen, I found it quite easy because my sort of moods change. So one week I'll be really annoyed about a certain type of person and then I'll move on to a different thing that I'm annoyed about. Or this person will irritate me or I'll switch the TV off when this person comes on you know so it depends what mood I'm in as well so sometimes I can be more tolerant but it's just maybe how I'm feeling in the moment and this is this is very much of my moment but the second person I've chosen

will always be on the list. Okay all right well I'm interested to hear who they are let's get started then who's the first person joining you on the island? Okay, now this isn't going to be very popular. And my boyfriend did say to me, are you sure about this? Miriam Margulies. Okay. I know she's a national treasure. I know that people enjoy her crazy antics on chat shows and stuff and her outspokenness.

And I think that is good. I think it's great to have an older woman still working and being interviewed and being interesting and being funny. I just cannot stand it. I hate this, like, oh, yes, well, Bill Oddie once said this to me. And, like, I just can't cope with everything's a story. Everything's a drama. Everything's a drama. Everything's a, and like, sometimes she does stuff that isn't funny.

And everyone's like, ho, ho, ho, ho. Isn't she hilarious? It's just that kind of, you know what the problem is? I find it really patronizing as well. Because like, she is an older woman. And she obviously plays up to the, you know, I'm a bit crazy and I'm a bit out there, which, again, great. It's good to be a bit, you know, be yourself and all the rest of it. But I just feel there's something so patronising about it.

And I don't know what it is. I just feel if I was stranded with her, it would be constant like, oh, can you help me collect this firewood, please, Miriam? And it'd be like, did I tell you about time? When I was at Oxford and, you know, one of the footlights, one of Monty Python said to me, it'd be like, I can't deal with this. I can't deal with it. It's just that she makes me switch off and I wish it was different. And there's so much I should like about her being a confident older woman and having all these stories. But I'm just like, oh, God, please.

Yeah, I think it's that sort of thing of being an older actor where you have very little sort of awareness when it comes to telling stories, because I guess you do it for a living. But I mean, comedians obviously are entertaining for a living, but seem to be able to rein in a bit when it comes to just sort of personal anecdotes in a regular setting you know yeah so this is it like so i mean i'm probably being a bit of a hypocrite here because i am quite happy to talk about anything and everything if it's funny in my stand-up if someone asks me a question i'll answer it honestly but i do have that kind of it's like that kind of thing of, I know if I'm on a radio show at nine in the morning, I can't swear and I won't.

Like you say, it depends on the setting. It's just this constant like, oh, there's boundaries. Well, let me break them down by being wacky. I just cannot. Just be respectful of the environment you're in. I just hate this sort of like, oh, she's, because obviously, you know, when you're an older woman, it's like, and a lot of times, you know, especially in entertainment, you've got no career

because you're an older woman. But I, and I think it's great that, you know, she's still out there and doing stuff. But I just hate the way that she sort of plays up and she does play up to it this, like, I'm just a batty old woman. What do I know? Like, and if I was stranded with her,

it'd be constant like she'd just use it to get out of every situation i feel like oh well i don't know oh maybe you should try and find us some food because oh when i was performing at the globe in 1974 like i just cannot be dealing with that forced showbiz nonsense and don't get me wrong I'm sure she's got great stories and I'm sure she's great fun but for me it would just be my worst nightmare I think even if you're a big fan of Miriam Margulies and I'm probably somewhere in the middle I'm so fairly indifferent to her you'd have to admit that she could be a tiring presence in a sort of disaster scenario so you know she'd probably even if you were getting on really well with her compared to the other

inhabitants of the island yes she'd probably love to just sort of like needle you a little bit now and again just to get a rise out a hundred percent and i do think i think she'd love to stab you in the back because i know she's so i mean which again which is great she starts spoken and stuff and i can her autobiography, she was telling all these stories about when she was at Oxford and when she started out in entertainment and all the rest of it. But I just feel that with the other two people on the island, she would bond with them, and I think she'd sort of,

I think they'd be a bit bowled over with her you know because she's showbiz and I think that she would love that and then sort of turn against me because I wasn't impressed by her I think there'd be a bit of that going on I'm always a bit wary about people who you know obviously it's totally fine to speak your mind I as a person could do with speaking my mind more often for instance I admire people that do but there's a point at which you know people just sort of go well I just I just say things as I find them and if you don't like it that's your problem and it's like well it's also your problem because you haven't learned about social interaction properly exactly this is it's like well I just

tell it like it is I called them a wanker and they need to it's like yeah like there's a time and a place and i just feel that she would ruin any scenario she was in it could be somebody's birthday it could be a christian it could be a wedding she would say something outrageous and just ruin and you know across those social boundaries haven't and she knows she knows what the boundaries are she's not an idiot she just loves doing it she's the kind of person i imagine that if you took her to a wedding she'd say oh doesn't the bride look lovely and then drop in that she'd at one point slept with the groomsman or something you know she'd and nobody knew and she'd say this or she'd say something like uh you know she'd be a christian and she'd probably say something like oh i'm glad that it's worked

around this time because you remember when you had that abortion two years ago? She's that kind of outrageous, unwelcome presence and I just cannot be... Like I say, some people love that and I'm glad that she's out there and I'm glad she's being herself, but not for me. It would do me in. Yeah, I think on an island setting she would be quite tiring. I think that's fair all

right and uh who's who's the second person who's going to join the two of you second person is a boss that i used to have who without a doubt is one of the worst people i've ever met in my life and i've had several jobs i've i've worked at a tourist information centre in Manchester. That was one of my first jobs. I worked in shops. I used to work at a rare books library, which should have been a great job. But, I mean, I had several bosses there who were very nice. So I'm putting it out there so nobody can really pick up on who it could be.

I had several bosses who were great. But there was this one particular boss, and she was genuinely a dreadful person and I like to try and be you know diplomatic about things and it's just you know when somebody comes into work in an environment and they just create they change everything and create an atmosphere that it's like hang on a minute what's happened here and she was that kind of person that she didn't I don't think she really knew what she was doing in a job which also makes people quite you know defensive about things I don't think she really knew what she was doing I think it was all those things where you know if somebody's worked their way up to a certain level and then they look down on everyone else and thinks they're they're like you're scum now she always reminded me of like a little girl

playing grown-ups in her mum's clothes, you know, like stomping around and like, but she did this kind of thing where she, I mean, I've never been bullied at school, never bullied in adult life, but she did this weird thing of like, tried to bully me. And I was like, no, this isn't happening.

Like it's not, this isn't a thing that's going to happen. And there was just so many things that she used to do. And also, it was that awful thing. And this is the kind of person that I hate, right? So she was a horrible person. And she wasn't very good at her job. And she would create tension. And, you know, she'd be that kind of person that'd be like,

can you come up to my office later around four o'clock? We just need to have a chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got the whole day just sort of worrying about it. Tell me now. Don't create this culture of fear with everybody. And the thing with me is as well, I try and be diplomatic. I try and be, you know, thinking, oh, well, maybe this, maybe that.

But, and this is going to sound really awful, she had this really depressing family as well, who occasionally she'd bring into work and they'd just walk, her son and daughter and her husband, and they'd just walk behind her like, like they were as fed up of her as we were. And I just used to feel sorry for her family. But then she was one of those people that started, she started to do running and she'd run to work and she'd run home from work and this is all she spoke about I love running so it's just this kind of it's this person that that it's the

type of person really that is fundamentally deeply unhappy for some reason and takes it out on everybody around them so i just imagine if i was trapped with her on that island i think i'd just walk into the sea i don't i think me and miriam we could work through it but but this woman that used to be my boss i couldn't do it and it's she wouldn't she wouldn't give anyone any credit for anything like if someone did something it does something well. You know, if I started a really good bonfire to keep us warm for the evening, she wouldn't give you any credit or she wouldn't help or she'd find fault with it. And I remember sort of this is how much I really disliked her.

On my leaving due from that job, she turned up. She wasn't invited. And she bought me a drink. And I was like, I'm not drinking a drink from you I dislike you so much I cannot accept a drink off you and I was like I don't I don't want it thank you and she was like oh is she leaving you today I thought you were leaving next week and I went why would you know anything about me you've been awful so I managed to to get my feelings out and I didn't accept the drink off her. This is me.

Like if you're, she's probably the only person that I could never find any redeeming sort of features from. And part of me feels bad because what I always do is I have this weird thing of like feeling sorry for people and I shouldn't do. And I sort of still feel it with her, but she was just so rotten. And also, it wasn't just me that thought it. I was thinking, is this just me? And everyone was like, she's not very nice, is she? She's like, horrible. There was nothing she did that was ever a positive. And I just feel like that kind of vibe as a person around,

I couldn't deal with that. And also, what would we talk about all we talk about is how awful she's been she probably pulled me about not accepting that drink and everyone would be like tense but then all we'd have to talk about is the fact that we're trapped on this island but also people we used to work with eight years ago yeah it's a funny one because you spend so much time at work you know and it's often you know depending on the workplace you can see your boss for more time than you see your family and depending on especially if it's something where you've got a lot of time to think when your mind's

not particularly occupied you can just get into such a like a hole in your head about it can't you it's just and you kind of think like I've done the same thing and I think god the really annoying thing is they're probably not thinking about me that much but I'm like they're annoying me when they're trying and they're annoying me when I can't even see them yeah this is it isn't it you know it's like it's and I think it's such a nice thing when people have jobs and they like their boss and the boss is a good boss, because it's harder to be a terrible boss than it is to be a good boss, I think. Yeah. It's so much easier just to be fair and, you know, a decent person.

It's so much effort to be as combative as she was. It's just like you're coming to work every day. Well, you're running to work every day. And from the minute you come in, I mean, all right right I'm in a mood when I wake up in the morning but you know you you come in and you you must be thinking on your way in what can I do today to just annoy everybody or upset people you know she used to make people cry and I just think what are they making me cry it's just like I honestly think you can't do anything with a person like that that's so fundamentally I think unhappy in some way in their life if you're trapped on an island with them they would still find something to be unhappy

about oh definitely definitely and yeah the thing about you were saying about you know deliberately kind of saying I'll see me at the end of the day or something. Like I had a, I used to work with a guy who used to do that. Like he'd send you an email on a Sunday night just to sort of like say how shit everything had been the previous week. And you're like, I just got over all this. And now I'm starting, you know, Sunday night's already depressing anyway. And now the whole week I've got that in my head, you know.

Do you know, this is the thing as well. I think when people send emails like that on a Sunday, I always have this. I was thinking this a few weeks ago. So if you're a kid now at school, do you remember like on whatever happened in the week at school? Because I went to school before we had like Messenger and stuff like that. People were just starting to get mobile phones and send text messages. But you'd be at school and if anything had happened dramatic in the week you know if somebody had snogged somebody or somebody had sort of you know battered somebody or someone was crying about something whatever happened in that week on the friday there was

like that reset of saturday and sunday wasn't that so you'd go away for the you'd be away from school for the weekend and then you go to school on the monday and it wouldn't be mentioned it was like a reset it was like a new week and it's like oh what's gonna happen this week but if someone sends that email on a sunday you you've not the weekend should be a reset it should be like okay well that was last week but what's happening who are we sending either send the email at the time or don't send it at all and And you're sitting there on a Sunday night thinking, I really don't want to go to work today, tomorrow. And then there's that.

Yeah, I can't be doing it. But also it's when that thing of your job is your life. Like this woman was very much, even though she wasn't, I'm convinced she didn't know what she was doing. Her job was very much her life. And that to me is, yeah, I couldn't, you can't deal with people like that. Yeah, no, definitely. That's the sort of,

they're probably going to be the one who's killed and eaten first, I suspect. But then you've got to bring yourself to eat them. Apart from getting over cannibalism, it's like eating that person as well. I don't think I'd be able to eat her. I think I would rather starve than eat her. Miriam's going first. I think, yeah, it's a difficult thing, cannibalism it's like yeah eating that person as well i don't think i'd be able to eat her i think i would rather starve than eat her miriam's going first i think yeah it's a difficult thing cannibalism because you know like you don't want to eat someone you really like but you know you

don't want to eat the ones you hate i know i know yeah yeah i don't know if the third person's going to be neutral enough for you to eat but let's see i mean it's not all about i'm making it more about cannibalism than it usually is we don't have to go there it's up to you but, it's not all about, I'm making it more about cannibalism than it usually is. We don't have to go there. It's up to you. But who's going to be the third person joining you? The third person is a type of person and it's people that are constantly playing devil's advocate. I cannot deal with these people.

I've got a bit of my new show about it because I've noticed this happening with a lot of my friends now, especially now that they're having children. I think they want to be more positive in the world. And I'm not 100% a negative person, but I do like to have a little bit of a bitch about people. I think it's very healthy.

And I think you should say if someone's annoyed you. So it's like if I say to one of my friends, if I said, oh God, you know, Sarah was being such a knobhead the other night, wasn't she? And they'll go, yeah, well, you know, that's Sarah. It's like, yeah, but can we talk about it? Because we need to slagger off. Or like, you'll say, oh, Dave was a bit rude yesterday.

Yeah, but, you know, that's Dave. He's got a lot on. It's like, no, please don't do this to me like stop making excuses for people and and i it's it really really annoys me it annoys me especially when it's friends of mine who are close friends who i listen to them complaining about everything and i'm like yeah okay now listen some slagging people off and obviously i'm a comedian comedians are terrible for slagging people off and they'll be slaying people off and it'll be like and i'll say oh god did you see did you see so-and-so set the other week did you see that video they posted yeah well you know they're just trying to reach a different audience i'm like oh

my god no please just just facilitate this with me for once. Do something for me. And also it makes me so angry because I know it's false is the thing. So imagine being stuck on an island with these three people. And, you know, you'd be saying like, oh, Miriam really needs to start pulling her weight a little bit because all she's doing is sitting around chatting about showbiz stories. And, you know, we've not got any food. Yeah, but, you know, that's just Miriam sitting around chatting about showbiz stories and you know we've not got any food yeah but you know that's just miriam she's so showbiz these this

is like i i can't i can't be doing with it i understand be fair be reasonable but sometimes there is no need to be so even-handed about stuff sometimes just just facilitate your friend going yeah they were a bit of a dick yeah it was a bit annoying blah blah blah yeah and especially when even-handed about stuff. Sometimes just facilitate your friend going, yeah, they were a bit of a dick. Yeah, it was a bit annoying. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, and especially when, you know, the person in question has been a real dick and you really want to sort of get it off your chest.

And then, you know, you're sort of left kind of, you know, you haven't finished unloading. They sort of shut you down early and you're like, well, now you're making me the bad person. And in this instance, I wasn't. I'm trying trying to say this they did something bad and i'm i'm shocked about it so like don't make me the twat exactly it's that kind of it's like you say it's that shutting down thing and it makes you go hang on a minute why am i the bad guy now what it's so weird because i think they know they're doing it and it's just a little bit of power isn't it like

oh come on i'm but it's also it's also the friends that love being bitchy. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, sorry, you've just decided to be the good guy today, have you? You've decided that you're high and mighty and you're, hey, you've done a bit of meditation this morning, have you? And you just think that, oh, yeah, you know, I'm better than this. I can rise above this. I cannot.

It doesn't sit well with me. And sometimes, I admit, I have found myself going to do it and I've gone, no, just let somebody moan. Or at least let them moan and then afterwards have a little sort of go, yeah, I can see how that would be annoying, and then try and sort of suggest, you know, circumstances which make it okay. But don't just sort of go yeah you know i think that's unfair like don't you know get meet me in the middle here exactly

exactly but the combination of those three people would just be hell on earth for me i mean you nothing would be getting done people would be bitching about people someone would be saying let's you know but also you'd have the devil's advocate person would very much be like i think they'd be like hey you know you shouldn't have said that about so and so it's like hang on a minute who said this about me so it's just going to be a whole sort of situation of auto stress and i don't think i could deal with it yeah because you're going to need people to complain to you can't complain to the devil's advocate you can't complain to your old boss.

Miriam Margulies, I think it would very much depend on the day you're speaking to her. Some days she'd just go all in and then the next day she'd sort of go, well, I think that's jolly unfair of you. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, that's it, isn't it? It depends what mood you get her in. So that's the other thing as well. People who, I have to say that I think I might be like that that sometimes like I think some people think also this is weird about me sometimes

people think that I'm in a bad mood and I'm not it's just how I am like I have this sort of I'm very quiet I can go very quiet when I'm thinking about things and people like are you all right it's like yeah I'm fine why and so I don't think my sort of the way i am i don't think would help people like and the amount of times people say to me are you sulking are you in a bad mood i'm like no this is just how i am i'm actually quite happy so i don't think my personality would lend anything to the situation either well i think you've set up a really good starting point here with these three i mean it's just going to be awkward i think there's no one you can really side with at any point not at all all right well mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane there was some food and drink left over but unfortunately for you it's your least

favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad only any seafood if it's from the sea it's not for me that is my motto it actually if it's from the sea, it's not for me. That is my motto. Actually, if it's from the sea or even if it's from rivers, I don't even like, there's something even about when people eat duck, I'm like, oh, its legs have been in the water. I just, honestly, anything, but it is particularly seafood. Now, also, I had, I thought I was allergic to prawns for for years and years and years because i had a mad allergic reaction after i accident and accidentally

ate some fried rice that had fish in it once and uh i did an allergy test not so long ago and it turns out that i'm not but the other thing is i've just been saying saying, oh, I can't eat shellfish, but also I don't like any fish. I do not like cod. I don't like, you know, but when people eat prawns, it just makes me like, why would you eat that? It looks horrendous. It eats shit from the bottom of the sea. The smell of fish is vile. My boyfriend the other day had some salmon, and he came up talking to me. I was like, can you just not breathe that on me?

When I see people eating stuff like sushi, I'm like, of all the things you can eat in the world, why the fuck would you eat that? I hate the taste of seaweed. I've tried vegetarian sushi, and that seaweed they have around it, I'm like, this just tastes like the sea. It's disgusting. So anything from rivers, but predominantly anything from the sea i i just cannot bear the thought of it but i do sometimes see people cooking stuff on tv and i'm like like

when i see people cooking scallops i'm like oh that looks nice but i just know that i'd smell it and i'd want to be physically sick i mean given your geographical location i think it's going to be pretty hard for you you know with this and also you know we're saying that the food you're eating is from the plains it's plain seafood oh god this is what i was going to say so being thinking i was allergic to things and it was easy to say i'm allergic to it and i didn't think i was i thought i was telling the truth but it turns out i was just wrong but people even though when you say you don't like something i don't want it they still try and force it on you like oh well have you what do you try you tried it like this you've tried it like that it's like no i don't want to eat it it makes me feel sick i just the thought of it

also i don't even eat any food if i i cut it completely out of my diet i don't if i look at something it says oh it's got fish you know or fish sauce i'm not eating that i just don't want it and i think that's fine i don't want it in my body and like when you're saying about food on the plane i came back from antigua once years ago and uh it was a british airways flight. And, you know, they were giving the food out. And one of the dishes was like, it was a fish of some description. And it absolutely stank the entire plane out. And I'm thinking, why would anybody serve this on here?

Yeah. It stinks. Also, I mean, I do eat eat meat but just really chicken and beef if i walk past the butcher's shop i can't go in i'm like i have like a natural aversion to raw meat but fishmongers because i live in walthamstow in london there's loads of fishmongers on the high street i'm just constantly walking past going because i cannot bear the the smell the thought and like you say i'm trapped on this desert island i'm gonna have to at some point eat some of it i imagine yeah oh i i didn't used to like fish and stuff at all and then i kind of i like it more

and more as i get older but i mean there's definitely a lot of weird shit going on in the sea and you're right about the prawns and stuff if you saw them on land or like you know like a lobster all of that you're like that's that's alien stuff you know that's from they look like face huggers out of alien you know and like if you turn them over and see their underside like what the fuck is going on there you've got there's too many bits like what's what are too many sections i don't know what it is the other thing as well is i always feel really sorry for lobsters as well i think they're treated so cruelly and you know and they put them at the i think they've banned it now you're not allowed to boil them alive i mean why are you eating something that is being boiled alive it It's so, I mean, all right, I do eat meat,

but there's just something about, and like when you see crabs and, why are you eating that? With its little eyes and its legs and it, but you're right, they look like Martians. And like you say, if that was on land, if a lobster was on land and you had to hunt it, you wouldn't eat it.

It's gross. Yeah, I think they would have died out by now, or just be still wild, but no one would actually touch them. You'd occasionally see them if you went camping. Oh, Jesus, lobster. God. I went to Cornwall not so long ago, and my boyfriend had Mool Marinare. Is that?

I don't know. It's like mussels in like a cream sauce thing. And he was eating it. And he ate it and he enjoyed it. Fine. But for about four hours after, that's all he smelt of. I could just smell it. I'm like, just go away.

You stink of the sea. I mean, I love the sea and all the seaside. I love the beach. And I'm fascinated by the creatures in the sea. But I am not going to eat it. And again, rivers. I'm not eating anything from a river. It's disgusting.

I like that you include ducks in that, just feet having feelings. Do you know what it is? It's like, so where I live, there's a boat in lake and a pond and you see the ducks sort of, you know, swimming around and obviously these are wild ducks

and they're not going to be ate, but I just look at them and I'm like, why don't you eat something that's had its underside in water? I just think it's vile.

Okay, well, what are you going to wash it down with then? Your vile meal? This is, this is too early to be talking about this is grim aphorol spritz yes good okay i can get on board with this so i've only had it twice and the first time i had it i thought maybe it had been made incorrectly i mean i thought maybe someone had put some drain cleaner in it by accident so this was like last

year it was a nice day. I was like, people are into these Aperol Spritz. I'm going to have a bit of this. Ordered it. It arrived. And I was like, ooh. And I had a sip and I was like, what the fuck is this? And I drank it and I was like, surely.

Because I had it in like a social club near where I live. And then sort of the inner snob got the better of me. I was like, maybe they've made it wrong. Surely it must taste different if you have it in Soho or something. Anyway, tried it again. No, it's utter shit. It's disgusting. I remember being a kid and my granddad had some gin in his drinks cabinet

and he was having some of it and I smelled it. And I remember the smell of gin and going oh my god I can't believe grown ups drink this it smells disgusting it smells like poison

and then as you know as you get a bit older and you try it you go actually it's quite nice and your palate changes but I do not understand how anyone

I don't even know what the taste is what is the taste of an Aperol spritz I don't know it's just so bitter isn't it like

they're all these bitter like Ne Negronis, people love them and they look great, you know, it's like a really nice looking drink and I try it and like, it's so weird because you try it and you go, oh, that's quite nice. Oh my God, it's so bitter, like it sort of tricks you, like every first sip you think, oh, I could just maybe get on board with this. And then it just, there's this like real sting in the tail, you know, ah, like, is it supposed to be so bitter like why is that nice i really have no idea why it's so

popular i just think people pretend to like things it's i'll tell you who would drink it that the woman who was the worst boss in the world she probably really enjoys it but you know i see i see some of my friends drinking it and i'm going you do know that tastes awful i mean there's things that i've never liked in my life that obviously you know your palate changes and like i used to never i used to hate olives i thought olives were the most disgusting thing i'd ever eaten now i think they're fantastic but i just don't understand why people drink that i don't know if i've said this on here before but i've noticed if there's ever a table in a pub with a lot of people drinking aperol spritz when they leave

their glasses always have some left in them no one else's glasses do you know i mean when was the last time you left a drink in a pub like you never do it if there's a table of girls drinking aperol spritz you look over when they've gone and there'll always be half full glasses because they don't like it either. They think they do because it sounds sophisticated, but it's like a lot of people I think are drinking it, but don't really like it. Exactly.

They know it's vile. They just sit there thinking they're looking cool. It's gross. People need to just be honest. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com.

Okay, well, we're going to distract you slightly. We're going to move on now because fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song what are they and why war films any war film I'm not interested I find them boring um I find them stressful I find them heavy going uh it just reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad would be watching the tv and you you know he's like he wouldn't give you the remote control because he's decided he's watching it. And it would always be a war film or I just can't.

It's like, I know, of course, World War II was awful, horrendous. I don't want to watch a film about it. I just, last night I came back from a gig and my boyfriend was watching the pianist i'm like why have you put this on on a monday evening when there's so many let me sure it's a good film and it's important to share these stories that were horrific but no you know people are talking about strategy in films when it's like and then at 11 a.m we board the plane when we land we get off the plane and we get on a boat and then this happens and i'm like i can't follow this just do it you know it doesn't mean anything i just can't

i can't i just cannot engage with war film and all documentaries war um i yeah i just completely switch off i mean recently my boyfriend was watching a documentary about the vietnam war like for weeks in in the house all i could hear was the sound of helicopters i'm like please put something else on i'd rather read about stuff like that, but I just don't. I like these Operation Mincemeat and stuff like that. I'm like, I can't sit through this. Saving Private Ryan, no thank you. So my friend James, who started this podcast originally, I remember him saying he saw, I think it was Dunkirk or 1917,

and he was saying he got really fired up by it, and he was like, I'd definitely have volunteered if I was there. And I just think, I watch these films and it just makes me feel cold and weak and pathetic and scared and like and and grateful you know that I'm not in those times and I just think you know if it comes I'll sort of deal with it when it happens but I don't need to sort of ready myself by watching how depressing it would be to watch all my friends die in some mud. I know. Well, this is the thing.

Like, when I have watched, seen bits of stuff, I get very sort of, maybe I'm like your friend, because I go, straight away I'm like, I notice people, I'm like, you coward. You're a coward. Right? And I get like, because I always think that if I ever had to, I 100% would be like, right, come on, let's have it.

And I would go and I would fight. And part of it brings out the worst in me because I'm going, look at this coward here. Oh, you think you're a big man, do you? I think you're a big man, right? It just brings out the worst in me. But like you say, I know these things are horrible and I know what happened and I know it should never happen again but I don't want to watch

isn't Harry Styles or somebody in 1917 I don't want to watch Harry Styles in peril With war films and war documentaries and just being interested in history obviously I have no problem with that there's a point at which that's your main thing that you're into i start to find a bit like you know there's that um i think it's like on like discovery channel one of them like there's it's like a sort of bargain hunters but these two guys who just into war memorabilia

and it's like they'll go around these jumble sales or whatever they're like oh yeah this was uh this was this type of helmet using this battalion at this war and you're like you know too much about the machinery of war like why do you know so much about war it's not it's not a good thing it should be like we've had a war everything now gets destroyed and we don't collect any of the shit because it's really bad stuff that humans shouldn't have it's that kind of thing like you know too much about something that you weren't involved in i can i can understand if somebody who you know like my granddad was a he was in world war ii he used to tell stories about things and that but you know he wasn't he didn't collect anything he didn't you know save anything you know but you know i could

understand somebody who had been through it maybe you know having a anything, you know, but, you know, I could understand somebody who had been through it, maybe, you know, having a connection to it, being like that. But years after the event, it's quite bizarre, isn't it? It is, isn't it? You think that if you'd been to war, you would never want to see anything. You know, you think, oh, maybe if you had your old rifle and you think, would you want to keep something like that? Like, maybe I guess if it had your old rifle and you think would you want to keep something like that like maybe i guess if it saved your life a lot of times then you've got an attachment but then i just think a lot of the stuff i just never want to see it ever again it's like my granddad did not want to he didn't want anything to to do with it ever again and i think like also that the amount of hitler

documentaries we have where does it end? I was listening, so there was a documentary on about Hitler a few weeks ago. I think it might have been on Netflix. It was like, what now? What more can we possibly know? And one of the bits of it, it was like, it was really sort of digging for dirt on Hitler, right? I mean, don't get me wrong.

He was a bad guy. Yeah. But they told this story, it was like, it said me wrong he was a bad guy yeah but they told this story it was like he said when he was a teenager he had a problem with his penis uh yeah he used to dribble urine he didn't have any control over his bladder and one day uh people saw that he did you know slightly wet himself and there was a patch on his trousers and And I'm thinking, yeah, I mean, of all the things that he did, I don't think this is anything groundbreaking or new. That's just an unfortunate incident that happened to Adolf Hitler before he became. Sounds like the devil's advocate, you know, doing a documentary.

But, like, you know, he did systematically try to, you know, eradicate all Jewish people, but he had a hard time with his winky. See, this is it. Exactly. Exactly. This is it. All right.

And what would your song choice be then? Again, anything by Scouting for Girls. Oh, yes. Good choice. I'd forgotten about them until the other day. And since I've remembered them, I've not stopped thinking about them. So genuinely, the worst music ever recorded. I don't know.

To me, it sounds like music that's been made deliberately for adverts. That's how it feels. But the songs are so bad. Like, what's that? Elvis ain't dead. It doesn't make any sense. It's plinky plonky. It's bland.

It's bad music. Yeah, it's like, it's very formulaic. It's just sort of find a thing and just repeat a phrase a lot it's it's terrible terrible music but also i mean i don't even know what the band looked like that's something that i don't i don't think i've ever visually seen them but i can't imagine i mean who goes to see them what is their audience the worst people i imagine i worked at a festival where they were not headlining but pretty high up the bill and I remember earlier in the day Iggy and the Stooges played on the same stage but it was kind of in the middle of the afternoon and lots of people weren't really

paying attention I was like this is amazing and then I just saw thousands of people watching Scouting for Girls being so excited and I I remember turning to someone saying, you know, like in the diary of Anne Frank, and she says something like, you know, despite all this, I believe that humans are still fundamentally good. It's like, I don't know if they are, because look at the crowd watching Scouting for Girls. It's dreadful.

And then they went away and I thought, oh, this is good. Or I sort of forgot about them, you know, because you don't notice them go away. And then someone mentions it, you're like, yes, they're not here anymore. And then someone told me that the lead singer is, I think he's a songwriter now and he writes for people, like One Direction and stuff. So he's probably making more money now than he was before,

which is really upsetting. I mean, I don't have to hear him, but I know that he's being well looked after and that that's upsetting well i don't begrudge the man i don't begrudge him you go and do that go and write but please keep your awful band away from me and like i say i'd completely i remember at the time that that hearing them and i was like what is this shit why does everyone like this shit and then you'd hear them on loads of adverts wouldn't you like i think they use that she's so lovely on a on a sort of boots advert or something and then they only popped back into my head the other

day and i was like what the hell happened to them Put one of the songs on and I was just like, God, they're so bad. But laugh, like hilariously bad. Yeah. But I would, I mean, if I was trapped with listening to them, that would, I think it just tipped me over the edge that. Oh, definitely. Because it's sort of stuff that really gets stuck in your head as well

because it's so sort of simple and repetitious. It's like, it just, yeah, it would just stay there forever. or you end up singing the lyrics of one song to the tune of the other because they're so interchangeable they are that's you can you can sort of merge them all into one song one horrible awful eternal song yeah awful okay well finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Chimpanzee. I hate them. I always have done. I am terrified of them. You know, people go, oh, they're so funny. Ha ha ha. I'm like, they're horrible creatures. I mean, I know we're very close to them as, you know, basically we're pretty much monkeys aren't we but they are nasty

and i've always hated them and i've always i've just never don't trust them and then i watched if i've always had like a natural aversion to them even when it was like the pg tips chimps and stuff like that and i found it weird that ugh. And I find it weird that, you know, you see old pictures of them and they're smoking. Yeah. Like, I don't, that's weird. Orangutans are probably the monkey or great ape that I like the most. They seem quite gentle.

Yeah, definitely. But a chimpanzee, nasty. I watched, I mean, obviously there's all those stories of that one. I mean, you shouldn't be having them as pets for a kickoff. No, definitely. But a chimpanzee, nasty. I watched, I mean, obviously there's all those stories of that one. I mean, you shouldn't be having them as pets for a kickoff. No, right. So you're asking for it. But that one that ripped that woman's face off, do you remember that? Yeah.

And then, you know, I watched, it was a programme, it used to be a programme called I Survived, right, which was about all these people in terrible scenarios, but they survived. For example, there was a guy who was attacked by a bear and he survived. And I'll never forget this. He said, I remember the bear bite in my head. And I thought, oh, it sounds like someone's making popcorn. And then I realized it was my skull being crushed.

Imagine if you looked up and the bear was making popcorn. Turns out it was just movie night that's so funny oh the bear was making popcorn and then another story on it and this is another one i will never forget it was a guy who'd gone to i don't know what country it was but a load of they he'd been on like a safari day and a load of chimpanzees had escaped from a local like sanctuary type thing and this there was about five people in this vehicle this jeep and it said the guy was like we could see the trees shaking and we're like oh what's that and then we saw the chimpanzees and he said there was a chimpanzee stood up on its hind legs, well, its legs. And standing up, it was about six foot two, a male chimpanzee.

And it picked up like a log from the side of the road, attacked them. All the other chimpanzees came over. They killed two people. The chimpanzees killed them. And this guy managed to get away. And I think it was something like he lost an arm because a chimpanzee had ripped it off. And I just remember watching that going,

I was so right not to like them. I just, they're horrible creatures and they're terrifying. Like when you see that one, have you seen that sort of meme that goes around? It's like a shaved chimpanzee and it's absolutely ripped. Oh yeah, yeah, they're horrendous. And their teeth, like, they've got fangs and they're... And it's just so mad that people go,

oh, ha, ha, ha, look at the chimpanzees. Oh, my God, they're just so like us. They're so frightening. Yeah, I remember seeing a Louis Theroux documentary where he was dealing with America and Americans who keep wild animals and I think it was the first time we'd all seen the Tiger King you know he was on there originally that guy and there's a woman who kept a chimpanzee and Louis was going well I'm a bit wary because

you know I've heard of their dangerous reputation she goes oh no this one's fine don't worry okay you stay just in the house and I'll let him out and And it was across a pool. He was in the house. There was a swimming pool. Then there was like the enclosure for the chimp. And as soon as she let it out, it sprinted around the swimming pool, saw where Louis was and just smacked on the plate glass window and just smashed the window. And I just thought, holy fuck.

They are terrifying. They are insane animals. I think you can't trust them. I bet they stink. That's another thing. They look like they stink. And they are just... But also this is things like don't keep them as pets.

I mean, you shouldn't be keeping them as pets because they're dangerous, but also they're too smart to be a pet. They're clever. Yeah. They're clever. They're fast. They're clever. Yeah. They're clever. They're fast. They're strong.

They lack a moral compass. I mean, it's, yeah. And imagine an island full of them. Like, there's just, that's the other thing as well, because it's like an animal where you think, okay, it's crocodiles. Well, they can't get me up this tree, you know, but where are you going to hide from a chimp? Because I bet you could go in the sea.

I bet they can swim. They can use weapons. They can rip your arm off. They can rip your face off. I dread to think what else they could do to you. They are, yeah, chimpanzees, horrendous, horrendous creatures. You know what? I think you've picked a great selection of people and things that are all pretty awful to live with and um i think it's going to be a particularly uncomfortable time

for you yeah just thinking of all the violence of chimpanzees this early in the day it's quite you need a cup of tea now that's what you need go and get yourself a nice exactly i will do and hey let's distract the listeners by telling them uh where are you what are you up to at the minute where can people sort of hear more of you oh if you want to know, I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe for the entirety of August. And after that, I'm doing my new show, which is called Can I Be Awful, at 21 Soho in London, 30th of September and the 1st of October. Just find me on social media.

It's all on there, isn't it? Nice one. Well, we'll check all that out. And thank you again for coming on Desert Island Dicks today. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for having me. There you go. Rachel Fairburn there on Desert Island Dicks, which is a Sync Clap production created by James Deacon,

produced and presented by me, Dan Benedictus, and edited by Chris Attaway. Thanks, Chris. And as always, a special mention to John Deacon. He's the dad of James, and James invented this whole thing. So we've got John to thank for all of this and maybe his other ancestors but I'm not going to get into all of this because it'll take too long and if I'm honest I don't know the names of of all the the wider Deacon family

you know once you go back a couple of generations I wasn't given this information when I took over the podcast I'll try and get it in there somewhere but for now just we'll leave it at that keep it simple and thanks for listening bye