Desert Island Dicks - RAY BRADSHAW

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

International award-winning comic and radio host, Ray Bradshaw joins Dan to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island... Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks. Today we have as our guest comedian Ray Bradshaw. He's a really funny guy as I hope you'll find out from this podcast. He supported John Bishop on his tour last year and yeah I had a really nice time chatting to him. I think he's great. He's on tour for the rest of February, March and April this year and also as someone who grew up with deaf parents he also does his shows in sign language while he's performing. So

if you know someone who's deaf or hard of hearing who's really into comedy then you know it'd be a great night out for them as well i had a really fun time talking to him so yeah i hope you enjoy this one and thanks to all of you who've been listening we're really glad to have you along and we're trying to put out a few more extra bits along the way some compilations and reissues of old shows that you might have missed um but i mean there's loads of shows in our back catalog so if you're enjoying this then do go along and check them out on spotify or wherever you get your podcasts but yeah we'll be putting a few best ofs and little bits out as well so if you've missed any bits you can catch up with them like that as ever if you could spend just a couple of moments of your time to give us a rating or a review that would be great it means a lot to us

and uh yeah do subscribe so you'll never miss a thing as well failing that just tell your friends when you you know your friends are saying what's a good podcast what should i listen to on the commute desert island dicks that that's that's a good thing to say it's really helpful for us and um yeah we appreciate it so thank you for that thanks for downloading this I'm going to shut up now and we'll be back at the end for a little bit more chat but now let's get on with it it's Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable.

Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Ray Bradshaw. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm quite excited for this. Good, good. Are you itching to get stuff off your chest? Yeah, I host a lot of football podcasts and stuff like that in Scotland and people describe me as too positive at points so this will be good. This will be a chance to get my evil side out. Do you find yourself as quite an upbeat person in general? Yeah, I think so. I mean, it totally depends. So I've got a three-year-old son,

so it depends how much sleep I've had, if anything. I'd say I'm quite positive. Putting this list together when I was thinking about it, it's funny because I actually hate a lot of people that I didn't realise, and it was slowly seeping out of me. So I think maybe my anger will come out as we go. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that anger caused by children is is a separate thing you know i start off every day just an awful person just trying to get my kids to school and nursery and then

you you think god that's their last memory of me until i see them later and i'm just going come on totally trying to like bench press them out the house and stuff like that yeah i get that but then also yeah he's got a memory of a civ. He's three years old. It doesn't matter. He won't remember it by the time I come back. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

All right. Well, look, I know that you're itching to go. So let's just get started then. Who's going to be the first dick joining you on the island? Controversial one here. My mum. Okay, right. Your mum. right your mum

So I My mum's brilliant Dan My mum is amazing She's So my mum and dad both deaf so I got learning sign language So I've Learned a lot of skills from my mum and all that kind of stuff But my mum

I cannot stress How much of a nightmare my mum would be On a desert island. Like, I'm ginger, so she'd be constantly asking me if I had suntan lotion on the whole time. She would be making sure I was okay and constantly just checking up on me the whole time. And I think I would lose my mind. She's too nice. And I don't think you want someone that's too nice on a desert island yeah yeah I can

see how that the constant checking thing would be quite annoying yeah like even yesterday we went for lunch and she asked me if I was okay about five times and I was like yeah I'm fine and then I was just thinking about this lesson I was like oh my god and also she's just a bit useless for like she couldn't climb a tree she's 67 she would she would weigh me down I think yeah and the good thing is about this I don't feel guilty about saying this is because my mum is deaf so she doesn't listen to podcasts so I can get away with saying this one and it won't go back to her so that's the good thing if I said this on telly I would never hear the end of this so I think this

is quite a safe one for me I've just realized that my mum has started listening to this podcast recently so actually I'm not going to talk specifically about my mum but let's talk about mums in general let's do that but I do think it's something about yeah I mean you being on a desert island but also sort of you know it's your mum, yeah, I mean, you being on a desert island, but also sort of, you know, it's your mum. You're going to have to look after her, even if she's, you know, gets to the point where she's like, look, go on, son, save yourself. I only want the best for you. I'm just weighing you down. But, you know, it'd just be horrendous.

You just never could, could you? But honestly, even I bet with my mum, see, when she said, like, on you go, son, I'm slowing you down. I'd be like, this is a guilt trip. You want me to do something else here? And it would just be mind games the whole time. And also, I'm on a desert island. I don't need to be told to tidy my tent and things like that,

that I'm sure would be happening nonstop. So I think, yeah, I think Jill's great, but I don't think she's made for desert island life. Yeah, I think it's weird, isn't it? Because it's, you know, the people closest to us can wind us up the quickest, you know i think it's weird isn't it because it's you know the people closest to us can wind us up the quickest you know and it's like yeah if you go to your friend's house and you see them kind of being a bit snappy with their parents and you think come on man like chill out it's you know she's just your mum like like but then you get back to your house and you

can just feel yourself sort of going why am i a teenager again i'm 40 years old you know so on a desert island yeah i am we were getting work done in the house so i lived with my mum and dad two nights a week for about four weeks me and my son and oh i so i was losing my mind at the end they're so helpful they're so nice but again like i'm in my 30s i don't need checking if i want a sandwich and also just old people have things like supper like can you imagine trying to cultivate enough food for four meals a day let alone three or two so little things like that yeah yeah it's a strong choice i i think it's great when people pick their parents because it just makes it like extra sort of uh spicy i think and now your your mum's listening now what would you say about your mum on a desert island?

I should be fantastic, you know, obviously. Well, I think, you know, my mum's getting on a bit, you know, health isn't great at the minute. So I think she'd admit it's probably not the ideal environment for her right now, you know. But I just think it's a perennial thing. I mean, you know, my sons aren't going to want to be stuck with me on a desert. I mean, they're five and two aren't going to want to be stuck with me on a desert.

I mean, they're five and two. So right now they'd probably love to be stuck on a desert island with me. But, you know, when they're our age, you know, I'm sort of, that's the thing as a parent. I'm really aware of the point that, you know, like last week, my son said I was the best dad in the world. But I know that there'll be a point where he's a teenager and I'll just be sitting there minding my own business, eating my dinner, and he's going to be sitting there going god yes look at you you prick you know just like what I'm just eating my meal it's like look at the way you eat or like the the way certain things yeah just little things are just going to wind him up so much and I'm like

yeah god that change terrifies me so my wee boy Alex he's three and uh I've already gone from daddy you're my best friend to daddy you're my friend so now's three. And I've already gone from daddy, you're my best friend, to daddy, you're my friend. So now he's started nursery. I've already been relegated. So see, by the time he's 18, he won't want anything to do with me. I'll just be a paycheck. My oldest, when it was lockdown and I was furloughed,

so my wife's job was quite hectic at the time. She was working all the hours of the day. And I was just off with my son 24-7. So he was getting really bored of me he was only like three back then and uh i was sort of lying there in his room next to him while he was falling asleep and he just said in the darkness he was like mummy's the best isn't she i love her more than anyone else in the whole world and i went yeah you know i love you too very much. And there's no response. And I was like, because I'm really needy. I was like, do you love me?

And there was no response. I was like, sweetheart. And he just went, I nodded, didn't I? So passive aggressive. I know. I know, just a little three-year-old voice in the dark, like, I nodded. Well, that's the thing as well, actually.

My mum's probably, if I tell her I wouldn't take her on a date, she'd probably look back and say how ungrateful I was after everything she did for me. So, yeah, maybe. I mean, my dad would be quite practical, at least. Like, to give you a context of what my dad's like, so my dad has been, was born deaf, profoundly deaf all his life. So he signs, and my dad's like larger than life big kind of party animal and we were i went around to his house this was maybe august

september time and he was limping when he came outside and i was like are you okay and he was like oh i fell out a tree and i was like what and he just walked in and my mom kind of gave me a look as if you know what he's like and i went in and he's 70 i went dad what happened he went i wanted to see at my age if i could still climb a tree and i went well what did you find out he went oh going up's really easy and coming down's really difficult it's just like that's that's so he'd be at least doing things yeah whereas my mum would be my mum's a procrastinator as well so i could see that being put off as well yeah fair enough fair enough well i think it's a very strong first addition to the island um who's the next person joining you then I've gone for a kind of blanket one and this is my idea of hell on a desert island

would to be stuck with any American talk show host so any of them because you see clips now especially it was less so when I was growing up but now you see clips now, especially, it was less so when I was growing up, but now you see it's always in Sky 1 or whatever it's called now and things like that. And see the kind of mundane questions, the fake laugh, and the always wanting to try play shitty games. I think a combination of all them would do,

dancing, dancing, all of that is just not for me and all the questions are always like so i saw on instagram you painted your kitchen and like that would be the kind of questions you would get non-stop and more than anything dad it's the fake laugh yeah the constant fake laugh and the tap of the table I just wouldn't be able to handle it definitely I think I mean because we don't really have the equivalent over here you know you've got like Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton but it's sort of it's not really the same thing it's like you know they did other things and then became talk show hosts rather than just this thing where it's like part of the landscape and um and they are really weird aren't they like the first time

I remember watching a clip of one and realising that they did actually do the drum solo when they do a joke, you know, and they actually go... Yeah, the ba-doom-choo. Oh, my God, you actually do that? Yeah. I thought that was just an old throwback thing that people referenced, but you're still doing that.

Fucking hell. And even the kind of awkward monologues at the start and, like, four or five minutes daily because you know they would be doing that on the island. You know it. Like I don't, like I'm not, in stand-up there's some needy comics, there's some not.

I'm very much one of, if I'm not gigging that day, I wouldn't be doing any comedy work that day. So the idea of someone waking up every morning and doing a four or five minute monologue giving me coconut so i could do the badoom noise for them as well like oh that would just be hell i think and trying to get you to do some writing for them as well it's like oh you're a stand-up great i need fresh blood on this island you know and then some of this stuff's

not really landing i can't believe i'd still be getting paid an exposure on a desert island as well rather than real money yeah they would they would be workshopping all the time i think and it would just be an absolute nonsense yeah i think the other thing to remember about them is that you know because they're incredibly highly paid there's really competitive market and i think you know like you hear about ellen just being an absolute tyrant to work with and i think there's there's probably even the nice ones there's a glimmer of like you could be quite hard work and demand results and like yeah you know just everything has to be tight and packaged

and you're the fall guy if anything goes wrong and i think and you're surrounded by trees so they would beat you with sticks i'm sure by the end of week four or something like that yeah they would just be into that so that's one for me i think it would just be the mundane monotonous routine of every day of them churning it through that i just wouldn't be able to handle yeah yeah and I think as because I think as well the other thing is you know on the one hand they've met an incredible array of interesting people but also I kind of think like because you know I've worked in the radio industry for years so I've met lots of people but actually my interaction with them is very small it was like come in okay let me take your coat you want a cup of tea okay into the studio and that's about it and people go

what were they like i'm like i mean if they were going to be a dick in that short space of time they'd have to be a real you know and i reckon everything's so tightly controlled and managed and pr'd like they probably haven't even got that many good stories about like oh what was i don't know what's clint eastwood really like or something yeah i saw jimmy fallon was it jimmy fallon i think talking about he was interviewing one of the stranger things people and her dad's ethan hawke and he was talking about the time he held her as a baby and i was a because he's in that kind of showbiz stuff and i was like that's not a good story that's just you being weird pals with ethan hawke and i just saw that whereas over here when you see chat shows like graham norton like jonathan ross they let all

the guests chat to each other whereas over there it's very much the host ego means one guest at a time that's all the american public can deal with whereas i just think it'd be so much like i would i would love to get stuck in an island with'd be so much like I would I would love to get stuck in an island with Graham Norton like I would genuinely love that yeah I think that'd be so fun whereas Alan Carr Jonathan Ross whereas I mean I'm saying this because it's slightly more likely I'd get on those chat shows than any of the American ones anyway so I might as well be career savvy but compared to over there it's just night and day yeah definitely and when they've got you know sometimes they've got a bit set up and they're desperately trying to get to that bit and

it's like and the the guest just wants to talk but they're just kind of going okay we're just going to leverage it into this funny bit that i've got and it's oh yeah it's just such a weird thing what about if you sang this song in the style of this while I shoot you with a water pistol? Yeah. No, fuck off. Yeah. Like, I can't handle that. Hey, you're good at impressions.

I can do some impressions too. Do you want to hear my impressions? No, just ask some questions. Like, don't make this awkward. And it's always Trump. It's always Trump the impression. The impression is always Trump over there. Yeah, yeah, it's terrible.

Yeah, I think there would be absolute psychopaths to be stuck with on a line. I think someone like Trevor Noah would probably would be absolute psychopaths to be stuck with on a line. I think someone like Trevor Noah would probably be quite an interesting person to be stuck with because it seems like he did other things and then came into this rather than just being like a career talk show host.

Yes. Well, here's one then. If Trevor Noah's sound and the rest of them are career ones, how do you think James Corden would be? I presume he's featured in this a lot. Yeah, he has a fair bit yeah i mean i think i mean yeah he'd be terrible i mean it's interesting with james

corden just seeing like him go to america and everyone here just going what seriously and then just gradually seeing at dawn on america going told you told you no we don't want him back no i'll just come back all right whatever yeah keep your red suits we don't want him back no oh he's coming back all right whatever yeah keep your red suits we don't want them over here yeah i think it's a fine choice and also then you're gonna have to you know your mum politely sitting there as they try out material on her as well and you know i'd never thought of that actually that would be incredible just watching jay leno do a tight sex in front of my mum yeah I mean as you say your mum's deaf as well so yeah she's just trying to lip read him in the harsh sun

turning away oh what a combo that would be now I think about my third guest and I just think this is actually not even my nightmare desert island anymore it could be my dream dinner just a combination of people would just be amazing okay well let's get to who's going to be your third choice my third one is the dutch footballer edgar davids okay all right what's your thoughts on edgar i generally don't have any if i'm honest so this is someone who i'm a huge football fan i'm from a very early age i have always hated and i don't know why it's just like I started watching

Champions League games roughly about 1995 when he was playing for Ajax so something must have happened suppressed in my memory and every time I saw him play

ever since I was like oh that dick and I remember I was at Scotland-Holland we beat them 1-0 in 2003

in the playoffs and we were 1-0 up at the time and he gets subbed off after about 60 minutes and I celebrated like we'd scored another goal I don't know why I hate the man I just always have and then he came over and he came to Barnet

and he was the manager there and he did a shit job and he wasn't good at Tottenham and it just made me feel like I justified my choices but whenever I get asked to do this show, the first person that came to mind was Edgar Davids and I've got this deep hate and I don't know why.

I wonder if, because I'm not a big football fan, I mean, I don't know much about football, but I wonder if it's something about the glasses because it feels like it's just a bit show-offy, you know. And I was looking it up and it seemed to do with glaucoma and I don't really understand what that is. But I feel like... I just don't feel like he needs them.

It just feels like you've got this accessory. So I thought this too. And I still play football on a Saturday morning and one of my teammates wears goggles like he does, glasses kind of thing and I thought other teams would hate him but all the other teams love him because of that so I don't know whether the glasses was part of my prejudice

and there's something else or whether I just took an instant disliking to him because see the guys he played centre mid with like Clarence Seedorf and people like that even later Van der Vaart or the Dutch defenders of that era I love all of them

I think they're absolutely class Philip Koku Van Broekhorst but just him I love the strikers Patrick Kluivert it was just him and I genuinely don't know why maybe the glasses stirred something in my life I've never worn glasses i'm

the only one so i'm 34 i'm the only one of my mates that doesn't wear glasses now so the smugness there could play a part from early age i just don't know i just hate the guy i just feel like i don't know to me it ties into something like the you know like at school there'd be a kid who got sort of slightly you know you weren't allowed to wear something but they were because of some like little sort of excuse and you're like you're always a bit suspicious of that kind of person it's like well just you know because at school it could be something really small like so how come you've got like a special tubey grip on your knees like oh i've got a bad knee like i want one of those. Do you know what I mean?

Like, it felt like a cool thing. You're like, I want something like that. Oh, I'm not allowed one. You know, you just want it to be different in some way. But if you try to be different too hard, it went too far the other way. And I feel like there's maybe like a schoolboy psychology thing in there some way.

Like, because, you know, it's like, why do they have to be Oakley sunglasses then? You know, like, why can't they be like really clunky shit ones? And was also um even stuff like because edgar davids looks like the kind of player i would design on any football or tennis game you get to play as yourself a really cool guy with dreadlocks and glasses so i feel like I should like him but I don't and maybe maybe I've blocked out the time there was a Dutch Suriname kid in my school that was allowed to wear the sunglasses when I was five years old and that was a thing um and that's me just trying to justify it

because he doesn't play for the country maybe should have because he played for the Netherlands I don't know I've just always always really really disliked him for no real reason I'm sure everyone's got someone like this but they don't really know why like I remember my wee brother hating another footballer Dave Kitson I think because he was ginger

and my brother hated me at the time as well but even now he'll still bring up Dave Kitson and he's 32 years old and it's still a grudge he has but sometimes it's just I don't know we're just like this as humans like I can't stand

Cristiano Ronaldo and I don't even watch football so like I'm sure if I did you know I'd see how incredible he is at play but I just can't stand his face I just he just annoys me so much never mind the legal issues it's the face more than anything. Yeah, it just, but I mean,

because I don't even know anything about the legal issues. I know so little about football. I basically watch it twice, like every two years when there's like the Euros or the World Cup. I'm one of those guys. And because I'm from Leicester, I got really into it that year that we won. That one year, yeah, fair.

But yeah, I mean mean but just something about him i just he's like i just can't stand looking at him you know so i guess that sometimes we just have these things and i don't know where they come from i'd imagine for you your idea of hell was piers morgan interviewing cristiano ronaldo oh god it's like why would i put myself through that it's just horrendous narcissist v narcissist here we go yeah i mean at least one of them you know you're like i can sort of you you can justifiably say that you're amazing at something so i could see how you'd become a narcissist but piers morgan is like fuck knows what's going on there it's funny because i was going through because i

listened a few episodes i was going through i was trying to avoid people that would come up but people like him the first time I ever went viral on Twitter was such a hollow victory because the person that made it go viral with a tweet was Piers Morgan and I remember just Susanna Reid did it and then he obviously worked with her at the time or something like that so he tweeted and I was like oh this is this isn't a victory this is I've won you know that meme I've won but, but at what cost? It's like that, definitely looking off to the sunset. Yeah. But I think you've got a good selection of dicks here.

I also think the other thing about Edgar Davids is, again, you know, along with the talk show host, I mean, there's going to be a lot of ego there. You know, huge.

You know, he's like an internationally renowned player for years. He's going to have that sort of like arrogance built in. He's been treated very well by a lot of people people kowtowing to him for a long time so i think that and the american talk show host you're going to end up being some kind of weird mediator like trying to sort of like give them equal attention or something like this there's something beautiful about my mom sitting down and teaching edgar david sign language though i do think that would be quite a I mean, that could be a travel series in the future, move over

Romesh, it's Jill Bradshaw and Edgar on their way through, I don't know I think something like that would be the only kind of saving grace I think with him, I think Edgar Davids would dress impeccably, so on the island

I'm not sure and I think most footballers I've interviewed always smell amazing so I wonder how he would cope with the lack of aftershave for example yeah

yeah one day he might crack his glasses and then like god knows what's gonna happen maybe that's the thing maybe like he'd lose his powers

I tell you what the glasses would be great for starting fires though oh yeah that is good it's good so Edgar's bringing some knowledge here okay okay nice well yeah i think it's going to be an uncomfortable environment you know so however you play it so uh superbly done on that bit okay you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself

with podcast advertising from lipsipson Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, Ray, mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

So the worst drink I've ever had, I had in October or November last year. So my brother lives out in Michigan and went out to visit him. And he went to one of those candy stores stores you know the ones that pop up in like london all over the place but are just clearly fronts for money laundering yeah but it was actual real one because it was in america like an old sweet shop and he brought back these two sodas as he would say because he's changed and he brought them back he said french fries one day when we're out and i was like who the fuck are you like no chips mate what you on about

anyway uh we went out and he brought these two drinks back and he was like try them but he took the label off them and the first one was like it was kind of like a cream soda but it was really sweet and it was quite I wouldn't say it was nice I felt like I needed to brush my teeth after each one but it was bearable and the second one I took a drink of it and it was the worst thing I've ever tasted. Like genuinely. And I'm a guy who, when I was younger, me and my mates would do day or so,

we would drink red wine and milk. Or I remember one time I drank a Pro Plus in a pint of Grosch and then I was awake for like six days or something. But this one was horrific. And I took a sip and I thought I was going to be sick and I went what is that and he said it was a turkey fat soda I mean that's just a weird collection of words so like fizzy turkey fat and I was like how much was it he said nine dollars and I was like why have you done this he was like purely so I could see your

face right now it was I cannot stress how disgusting fizzy turkey fat is so i mean just think about it of course it is but i don't what i don't understand there's so many questions here i don't know that's i said to him and he was like oh people get it as like a joke thanksgiving present because we were out like two three weeks before thanksgiving um but honestly it was horrific and sometimes when i close my eyes i can still taste it so that would definitely be the worst thing i've ever drank oh my god i mean because you hear stuff like i think someone on this podcast once was talking about clamato juice you know it's like tomato juice with clams in it and that's quite popular over there and i think that sounds horrendous but i can sort of see the logic of

like you know something saline and salty and like with the tomato juice like i'm never going to touch it but i can sort of see where they're going but turkey fat and like a fizzy drink let me just because i'm just gonna google it uh yep turkey and gravy soda turkey fat soda yep that's a thing um i wanted to check that my brother hadn't made it that was my other concern there as you talked about it because i didn't hadn't given it any thought i was just like yeah america's a messed up place that'll happen but oh no thank you oh my god wow there's this thing that i can't stop thinking about recently and this video i saw on on youtube and okay this sounds quite tangential so i'm going to bring it around so just bear with me

but this is how people ended up crashing the american parliament on the 6th of january one youtube video this is how it starts well no it's about how there's a theory currently that we our galaxy could be inside an enormous black hole because we know that we can only see to the outer limits of our galaxy and we can't see past it. And we also know that our galaxy is constantly expanding. And both of these facts would be true if we were in the centre of a black hole. So then there's this, like, apparently, you know,

I heard Brian Cox talking about it, it's like a viable theory now and i always thought you know when you think god like it's really hard to understand what a black hole is and like what is inside a black hole and then it turns out that maybe we're inside it and inside a black hole is turkey fat soda and piers morgan and edgar david's glasses do you know what i mean mean? It's like, and I keep thinking that with everything at the minute. Like every time I see something weird, I'm like, we're in the middle of a black hole and this is what we fucking got.

Yeah, I mean, to be honest, I know that sounded like a lot of shit, Dan, but to me, that's the only thing that makes sense just now anymore. Like that's, I get that makes sense just now anymore like that's i get it i totally get it yeah it's honestly dreadful if i go out uh to the states i'll bring you some back i'm not to be honest i don't think that would make it through security with it one scan they'd be like nah shut the plane down we're not having that on here yeah i mean because you know people go obviously

like you probably get like being scottish people go oh deep fried mars bars and all that but like fucking hell i'd have a million of them before i had a turkey fat soda do you know i've never felt more proud to be scottish i was in bahrain i went to do bahrain to do a gig and i met a member of the bahraini royal family who'd lived in scotland for a bit and i was like what did you like about scotland he said uh i ate a deep fried pizza and I was like what did you like about Scotland he said I ate a deep fried pizza and I was like oh how was that and he said the next day I shit a lot and I've genuinely never felt more

proud to be Scottish in all of my life than that moment just beautiful and the food food wise I've tried to go left field so I'm gonna say Haribo purely because i always think see when people go and i'm a celebrity and they go oh i'm scared of snakes i'm scared of mice i'm scared of things i don't

get with spiders rats whatever i don't get why they do that because the producers would uh just do that to them like if i went to on i'm a celebrity i would say i'm scared of like supermodels and chips that's what i would say i just i would get shivered in them so similarly here i love harry bow but if i say to you or the desert island gods or whoever it is oh i hate it that's terrible then they'll shower me with it is that a correct way of thinking or would i be disqualified and get no food well i know i think you're allowed that but i mean i do think i mean it's quite a bad one to live on for a long time well my thought process was there would be some sort of fruit or meat there anyway but also i'm scottish my life life expenses like 43 anyway so it doesn't make too much of a difference

I enjoy myself and have a treat because say say there's coconuts and a tortoise you can eat the tortoise you can eat the coconuts and you'll never find a dessert on an island I don't think apart from coconut technically could be no that's fair I like your thinking

I mean I find like it's weird with sweets now because I've got to the point where you know i still like sweets and chocolate and stuff but then like recently like my son was eating like a you know the drums a drumstick yeah and like for whatever reason he wanted to put it down i didn't want to finish it or something so i was like oh i used to love these and i ate it and i was like oh my god i'm an old person now because this is horrendous like i can feel every filling I've ever had straight away. Yeah, like it's sticky and it's too sweet. And I can still eat like a handful of jelly beans or something,

but it's something about like a drumstick. And also like, I know it tastes like it used to taste. There's nothing that's changed. It's like, I'm the problem here, you know? It was a real wake up call. Imagine how much my palate's changed and it's the turkey fat. It's a different thing I was in

I was away with all my mates went to Belgium a couple of weeks ago and we were drinking like 9% beer the whole time and I went to the shop

in the morning and I was buying like water for the room at night and like we're all hanging so I bought some juice and stuff like that and then I bought

this pack of Haribo and I put it in the room and it was one you know how when you go abroad you see like weird ones so I was like oh and stuff like that. And then I bought this pack of Haribo and I put it in the room. And when you go abroad, you see weird ones. So I was like, oh, let's just get that. And everyone was like, mate, you're 34. What are you doing buying Haribo? Like, properly slagging me.

We come back into the room pissed, half two, whatever. First thing, one of my mates goes, you still got that Haribo? And we all just sat around the table just all eating it, trying to get a sugar high before bed. And he was like, oh age that is old age right there and then well i reckon this choice is going to come back to haunt you when you're sitting there and you need something to get the taste of turkey fat soda out of your mouth and you've just got a big lump of congealed haribo like a cricket ball of sugar they just have to pick up and eat like an apple. Oh, I would just, to be fair, if it congeals and it goes like that,

I would just throw it and knock out Edgar Davids. That would be my daily game. Fair enough. Okay. Well, Ray, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The plane's entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all has two working settings one is your least

favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why right we'll go with my least favorite song changes quite a lot um we'll go with song i think right now it would be sweet caroline i i mean oh i used to like it as a novelty when it came on like 21st birthday parties in the 18th when you're younger because instead of the bup bup bup, it goes, in Scotland we go, buck, fast, wine. And it's just a novelty,

a little bit of culture for us. But I think since the Lionesses won and it was so overplayed on the radio all the time. There's a difference because Three Lions, when it comes on, when England are doing well at football, is for that two, three week period.

You're never going to hear Sweet Caroline played, sorry, Three Lions played by a wedding band or an 18th or a 21st or on smooth radio or anything like that but sweet caroline it seems like it's on all the time now and it's it's an all right song it's okay but i just think of how overplayed it is and it reminds me of the fact that the scotland women's team should have qualified for that competition and didn't and that the Scotland men's team have only qualified for one major tournament in the last 24

years it's a combination of that and my inner prejudices mean it's got to be Sweet Caroline is the one I hate just now yeah I think it's a good choice it's it's it's what no songs we've probably all enjoyed it at some point for a bit but then you get to the point you're just like oh fuck up fuck's sake can we just it's like the sort of keep calm and carry on meme it's like can we just drop it now like yes it's the new live laugh love that's what it is yeah like yeah it's like we've we've done this now and then like you know and you see everyone people that you thought you could trust and they're all drunk and they're, oh, come on, come on. It just really makes me think we're better than this.

And it's generally these days. In fact, I heard we had a postponed work Christmas party the other week. So it was like well into January. And there was that point that came on and I was like, I need to leave or drink more. Probably both. I need to drink more than leave very quickly.

You know, it's just like, oh, we were doing so than leave very quickly you know it's just like oh we were doing so well until then you know yeah and with with movies i'm not a big movie person so i'm going to pick any film that someone raves about because the amount of time i don't do it anymore but the amount of times i've been duped into going to see a film that people are talking about started to watch it and thought why have i paid eight quid for this this is a bird man oh my word that was one that um there was going to be my one that i went to but it's happened to me i like shit i love my favorite time is watching films on planes right that's what i love yeah because

there's no judgment around you and it's free so it's a good combination and also you're going to be there anyway because sometimes when you know what it's like especially if you get kids when you're at home i gig a lot so i don't have many nights at home if we choose a film and it's shit it really really annoys me um and even like i've got two mates who are comedians steve mccannon and stuart mcpherson they do a movie podcast together. And I listened to one of their episodes. I've only listened to one because they started slating the Mighty Ducks.

And I was like, that's one of the best cinematic masterpieces ever made. The best film in the world is, me and my mate will argue about this all the time. My opinion, the best film sequel ever is Sister Act 2, Back in the Habit. It's incredible. So my movie,

maybe I'm not the most connoisseur type person so anything that gets a lot of buzz around the Oscars put that on what was the one and there was like no dialogue in it shape of the water or something like that oh right yeah Pish anything like Oh, right. Yeah, watch that shite. It's like a sea monster thing. Yeah, pish. Anything like that that comes up. There's one that people are talking about just now. Oh, what's it called? It's like tip for Oscars and stuff like that. And Banshees of something.

Oh, yeah, with Colin. And I was like, I'm not going to watch that. I'll wait four years' time and it might be on Prime or Netflix and I'll give it 12 minutes when my wife's out on a night out and I'll decide whether I'm going to commit to it or not. Like that. So that kind of thing, anything that's hyped that people think is going to be good because my standards are much, much lower. But I think it's something also about,

it's such a lonely feeling when you're in a room and everyone's raving about a film and you just don't get it you know it's like if you're at a gig and you're not quite in the right mood and everyone's you look around and everyone's having an amazing time and you're like what's wrong with me I'm not in there with you and I

don't get it or like you know but how can't you see that it was so brilliant and you go no it was boring I don't get it or like you know and everyone's going but how can't you can't you see that it was so brilliant and you go no it was boring I don't care about any of the characters like fuck them and also quite a lot of times see if there's like a sequel like Glass Onion watch them both over Christmas everyone preferred the first

one I preferred the second one and people go I can't believe you don't like the first one because in that bit they do this but in the second film they don't do that and it's like shut up it's like, shut up. It's two hours of Daniel Craig sounding like a fanny. That's what we're all here to listen to. And that's all.

So any kind of overly hyped, whatever film is going to win lots of Oscars this year, stick that on for here to eternity. While I'm sure Edgar Davies and the talk show host would talk about the meanings behind it. And I would just have to go and eat my fucking turkey fat soda. And yeah, the talk show host will have met all the cast and director. Yes, of course. Yes. Well, actually, I spoke with them and they told me that...

Get in the bin. Yeah, yeah. Not for me at all. Fair enough. No, I think it's a strong choice and I absolutely empathise. I'm not a big film fan. I constantly am disappointed by things that everyone else thinks are amazing

and I just feel isolated and lonely. Something like, do you want to go see the new Avatar film? Well, no, because I've not seen the first one also. It's three hours, 12 minutes. Yeah, yeah. If I sit that long, I'll get cramp. I can't commit to that i need an

interval for these kind of things like i mean i don't want to have to have an interval to leave yeah just go and have a little stretch and a walk around and make a decision a friend of mine um when it was his birthday in the day he just had a day off and no one was about he's like oh i'm gonna go and go to the cinema on my own i never get the chance to do that and he went to see whatever latest avengers film it was and that was like a three hour film and he said at one point about two hours in he just needed to go to the toilet and then when he was there he was like i think i'm just happy with leaving the film there like he was enjoying it but he was like i feel like there's so many twists and turns where we're at now with

the film is i'm fine with that being the resolution yeah and he just left just didn't go back to his seat and it wasn't like he was even not enjoying it for yeah find out the plot later on exactly yeah yeah i can't stand them fuck him okay all right well finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why i've got two so you can choose or you can make a hybrid if you want that okay one animal i hate and one animal i've got a personal beef with right i hate snakes not a big fan of snakes um although i should have i've just gone against my own i'm a celebrity prediction there haven't i when i should have said oh i hate dogs or i hate monkeys or something snakes just don't trust them I spend

a lot of time in Australia out gigging remember one time I was um went on quad biking hmm uh just outside Adelaide yeah Adelaide and uh the guy was like oh the tour guide was like watch out for the brown snakes when you're going out and I was like brown snakes they sound innocuous finished it went to my phone googled it most poisonous snake in the world and I was like why even put me anywhere near them

like I just don't trust snakes and the other one is your choice snake or ostrich okay so I

did a show the first show I ever did at Edinburgh I did a show where you could dare me to do whatever you wanted so like I'm in Bollywood films

I went on a date with Scotland's oldest woman, I got a song on the charts, did all these different things and one of them was to try riding ostrich and I found this ostrich farmer and we went to visit him and the ostrich just terrified me man. Like we were trying to, he was, I was like is this advisable? He was like definitely not will try kill you so I tried to get close to it and it was like going for me and that's my only encounter with an ostrich because I shat it that was one of the few days I didn't do what were the other ones I didn't do um or go to Vegas and marry a stripper that was one and my now wife was like nah like nah I was like I'll get it I'll get it um an old really quickly she's like

no no no so the ostrich one haunts me and anytime like i'll take my wee boy to like a wildlife park whatever i see an ostrich i'm like fuck you like just not for it yeah so maybe maybe they'd be a nightmare on the island but also on the plus side eggs yeah big ones yeah egg and haribo make fried egg haribos do that ostriches are really weird because i saw some at a wildlife park a couple of years ago and you know when they say how like dinosaurs closest relatives are birds and it's quite weird to think of like a dinosaur and a bird being a similar thing and then an ostrich walked past me and i was like i get it i can see the connection look at his feet man his feet are creepy they are weird aren't they but they're so fast as well yeah yeah i mean i

quite always liked the idea of being able to ride an ostrich i thought you know there's like an eccentric old guy just rocking up to the post office on an ostrich just like the new penny farthing is what i thought like you can see hipsters and Hackney doing that and stuff like that but nah the guy was like a highly... where was it? It was somewhere down the north of England I went down to and it was just this you know you're the kind of guy who's got an ostrich farm and it's like you were in jail a couple of times for like being in a gang and all of a sudden you got a day release to an animal farm and you found out ostrich was your kindred spirit.

So it was one of them. I was just like, this is weird. Yeah, because I always quite like the idea of just opening your curtains in the morning and just seeing a whole field of them just running along. You'd be like, whoa, every day. But then the logistics of having to deal with the fuckers, I think, would just be horrendous.

You'd feel like that vibration in Jurassic Park every morning as you woke up. That be the only worry yeah yeah so yeah maybe let's go ostriches let's go ostriches yeah because if they're stampeding around you know like you wake up one morning they've just like because i bet they're quite clumsy as well just sort of knock over your shelter that you spent ages crafting or something just like just not realizing they've knocked things over and my mum keeps coming over asking me if I want help to put it back up and I'm like

no just leave me alone so yeah ostrich so I'm just looking back at this list and it just seems like hell yeah

do you know what sorry I've just remembered I think Flavor Flav has an ostrich farm which tells you quite a lot about the man can I make a thing that if I choose ostrich then

i get a big clock yeah yeah like that give me my my trade-off for his ostrich time say that every morning when i wake up just to piss off edgar davids yeah i think yeah i think you have made a really good list and i think the the interplay between the characters is is brilliant and terrified i I think you're having a shit time and even the stuff that you're looking forward to, the Haribo, I think you haven't thought about that fully enough. No, I definitely haven't.

The minute you pointed that out, I was like, ah, shit, I should have gone for chips or something. But yeah, really good choices and it's been a pleasure. And now, Ray, you're about to go on tour from February, is that right? Yeah, yeah. So all around the uk so go everywhere from london all up to the way to allapoo i think we're

adding in southampton way down in the south so i've got 48 dates so raybradshaw.com all shows are performed in english and sign language so if you know anyone that knows any sign language or anything like that and they don't get a chance to go to comedy bring them along so yeah I've got all of them to look forward to like see after Covid so I was dead lucky after Covid because all of the work went and then I did John Bishop's tour so I was on Bishop's tour for like six months and then this it just feels quite surreal when you think about 18 months ago 18, 19 months ago comedy clubs in Scotland were still shut

so it just feels quite exciting I can't wait to get back out there man and just chat to people about films that they like so I don't need to go see them Fair enough

well we'll hope to see you on one of the dates along the tour as well and thank you so much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today man it's been an absolute pleasure Thanks for having me

it's been an absolute pleasure Thanks for having me, it's been an absolute torture There you go, Ray Bradshaw there lovely guy and do go and check him out on tour, you can find his dates by going to his website, just, Ray Bradshaw there. Lovely guy. And do go and check him out on tour. You can find his dates by going to his website. Just Google Ray Bradshaw. And it's very easy to find these things. You know how the internet works.

I'm not going to teach you how to do that. You know how to do this. Anyway, Desert Island Dicks has been a Sink Clap production. It was dreamt up and produced and originally presented by the lovely James Deacon and you know what I want to give a special thanks to his dad as always that's John Deacon who helps us with a lot of archivey kind of stuff he knows our back catalogue like the back of his hand and he's really helpful so thank you John for your support now if you've made it this far in the podcast and you're still listening then I think you are one of our hardcore listeners.

And as such, you will probably be interested in knowing about compact dicks. That's our little spinoff podcast where you, the listener, choose who and what you think are a dick and what would be awful to be stuck with on a desert island. So we do that every week. We need your submission so we can read them out on the podcast there's a number of ways you can do that you can get us on instagram or twitter at dixpod or you can email us if you want a lengthier sort of rant dixpod.com contact and there's a little form you can fill out there and it's really easy as well as in the podcast you can pick people song film food drink animal or you can just go

off piste and just make up your own categories if you want we're open and we're ready to receive your dicks so there you go get in touch and hopefully we can add yours into the next episode of compact dicks that's about it for me today and we will be back very soon with another episode of desert island dicks thanks again for listening goodbye