Desert Island Dicks - RED RICHARDSON

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

I've had a few weeks off to have a baby but I'm back! This week I'm joined by comedian, Red Richardson. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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for everyone on your list, like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery. Robbing gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian Red Richardson.

Hello. Hi, Red. How are you? Yeah, good, thank you. Thanks for... Oh, sorry. Oh, you go first. Thanks for coming down. Thanks for having me on.

No, a pleasure. Red, should we dive in? Who's going to be your first choice? My first choice would be, after a lot of consideration, it would be Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin? Yeah. Dare I ask why? Because I think he'd be the type of guy who'd just take his shirt off and just start dominating everyone.

He's a real alpha male. Even though he's a lot older, he's in better shape than I am. And I think he'd just start a weird cult with him at the helm. He'd definitely be the boss. Yeah, okay. All right. And you feel like you don't need that on the island? No, I think he's a bit of a dick. I think he'd be too intense. He's probably the sort of guy who likes slapping your arse and giving out nipple cripples.

Yeah. He just keeps you alive against your will. Okay. They force you to stay alive even though you wanted to die. That kind of torture. Yeah. Yeah, I reckon he sort of runs around on the beach naked. You kind of expect with him that it would be annoying

because he'd be like, oh, this isn't a problem. No, yeah, he's got survival tech. He's Russian. So he came up through the Russian political system so this is nothing for him. Yeah, okay. Yeah. So I think he'd be... I think he could sort of catch fish with his bare

hands. Right. He'd... I think he'd totally be fine with the situation. That'd be really annoying, wouldn't it? Because it'd be really shit, and then you'd just be like, Vlad's just fine with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally fine with it.

He'd wake up to the sound of him beating a huge fish against a rock every morning. Yeah. Which would be, you know, he'd be great at that sort of thing, but I think with the situation prolonging it would be worse. Right. You wouldn't want to survive. Yeah, okay.

All right. Vladimir Putin. Yeah. You know, somewhat despicable man anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done a few things. Yeah. Okay.

Vladimir Putin. Anything else about Vladimir Putin? Not much The people Who are also going to be on the Iron Man I think will feed into Why he'd be so bad So who's going to be your second person?

The second one, which was very easy Is James Corden Okay Why so easy? I think he'd get sunburnt really quickly. He'd be a whingy little fuck. We're allowed to swear?

Yeah. Okay, cool. Fuck. I think he'd be a whingy, he'd just be whinging all the time. Also, I think, have you seen Game of Thrones? No. Okay. That's unfortunate. Anyone who has seen it, I think he'd be like Reek to Ramsay. He'd become Putin's little slave.

Right, okay. I think it would take about half a day before Corden sort of switched over to the dark side. Right. And was Putin's right-hand man, his resident snitch. Right, okay, yeah. Sort of like the HR department for Putin's horrible new cult. And he wouldn't take much pushing?

No, no, he wouldn't. He'd be very quick. He's a survival man. Right, okay. I don't think he has much of a backbone. What else about James Corden makes him your second choice? I think he'd be name-dropping all the time. Right, OK, yes.

You know, he'd be like, oh, Bruno Mars was, you know... I don't give a shit, James. We're dying of dehydration. He's, er... Yeah. He'd eat too much as well. Do you think LA's gone to his head a little bit? I think LA's gone to his head. I think Putin would quickly have him in his place

and he'd be like Putin's little dog. Mm-hm. And Putin would feed him treats for information on everyone else on the island. Just that little snitch that keeps the regime going. Did he say he'd eat too much? Yeah, I think he definitely would. Right, yes. An unfair share.

Yeah, an unfair share. I think he's the sort of person who'd hide food as well. Right, okay. Sly like that. Yeah, yeah unfair share. I think he's the sort of person who'd hide food as well. Right, OK. You know. Sly like that. Yeah, yeah. I think you can imagine him sort of trying to recreate his carpool karaoke with Putin. You don't need that.

No, no one needs it. It's a horrible concept. And it would be worse on an island when you're starving. And stuck, yeah. Okay, anything else about James Corden? He's just a prick, isn't he? I just think, I don't know, maybe he's a good, I just don't think he's a good person.

Okay. I've got no, I've never met him. I just... I don't know. I know. Okay, James Corden, sure. Red, who's going to be your third choice? Third choice is Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift! And this was a toss-up between her and Tom Hiddleston.

Okay. I thought there had to be a woman on the island. Right, okay. He's a twat as well, but that's for another day um are they aren't they are they in a relationship right okay they were in a relationship and uh you know they had like matching t-shirts or something oh man pretty gruesome that's he had like i heart taylor swift on a shirt um and he's like 44 years old. Yeah. Very embarrassing. Why do you know so much about Taylor Swift, Tom Hiddleston? I think she's a psycho.

Like James, in the sort of Corden mould. I think she's got more of a backbone than Corden, but I don't think she'd hesitate to sort of stab you in the throat with a pen if you got in her way. Right. She's just the classic sort of American lunatic. Yeah, right. Got you.

You know, sort of, it's like every day it's her wedding day. Right, okay. Because she's four years old. A lot of false. Yeah, she's just sort of, it's that, it's that, it's that. Yeah, it just sort of seems to be sort of aggressively self-centred. And wholly fake. I reckon she'd be Putin's type as well.

Oh, OK, OK. And then there'd be a big riff, because I don't think she'd be able to resist Vladimir, especially not when she's exposed to him being topless as much as she would be. So I think they'd start fucking quite quickly. I think James would be really, really upset and there'd be really intense around the campfire

because you just hear Corden sobbing because Vladimir's not getting it on with him. Yeah. I think she'd always be talking about her exes as well. Right, OK. She'd be like, oh, it's Harry Styles. I'd actually be quite interested in some of that. She'd probably write loads of songs about Vladimir as well,

which would just feed his horrible alpha male ego. Right, OK, yeah. Yeah, I think her and Corden would be quite a funny dynamic to watch them fight for the attention of Putin, but ultimately it would be a horrible trio. Where do you fit into this mix? I think I'd probably spend most of my days trying to kill myself. That's where most of my energy would go.

Vladimir would just hold me down and force-feed me. To keep you alive. Yeah, keep me alive. Corden would be constantly watching me. He wouldn't be allowed to sleep. He'd just have to sit and watch me. Because Vlad wants you alive. Yeah, Vlad wants me alive, just as punishment.

He's a right contrarian that that putin so i think i think he would just try and uh try and uh how would you feel when you land or landed on this side when crashed on this island you look around you see these three and it hadn't taken you um well i just literally it's just like the first time I see them I think it would be it's strange this is probably how much I dislike James Corden and I'd be happier to see Putin than him

right what has James Corden done? I just don't like him I don't think he's genuine I think he's that showbiz guy I think he'd do carpool karaoke with Ian Huntley if people would like it. I don't think he has any individual morals.

I think he just will go with whatever is happening at the time. I think he's a coward. Right, okay. Gavin and Stacey was okay. I could see why people liked it, but it's just been a shit show ever since. Mm. I don't like the concept for carpool karaoke.

The battle rap thing's really annoying. Mm. I just don't think he's a good guy. No, okay, okay. James Corden, right. So we've got Vladimir Putin, James Corden and Taylor Swift. Yeah. Red, now mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane,

there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? Would it be the worst food for that island? It is your island, so it could either... Oh, well, it's up to you. It could be the worst possible food in that situation or the worst thing that you,

the thing you like the least in real life, or, you know. Well, I think in real life, it would be anchovies. Right. I just throw up every time I eat them. Yeah. I shouldn't laugh, but. No, it's alright. I just don't eat them and that's problem solved.

When are you ever encountering an anchovy other than on a pizza? That's it, just that. Even if they've been on the pizza and then it gets taken off, I still throw up. Are you allergic? Yeah, I think I must be. Oh, shit. But for the island, I think it would be...

It would be a hot island. Mm. So I think the worst drink would be red wine. Oh, yeah, okay. If it was really hot. Yeah. Just buckets of red wine. Warm red, oh, it's warm anyway.

And then the food would be mash and gravy in 40 degree heat. Yeah. Eating that. Are they things that you enjoy in real life? Yeah, I could do that outside of the island. I'm just trying to think I always thought eating a

roast in a sauna would be like Oh, that'd be gruesome. It'd be pretty brutal. I'm trying to think. The best food would be probably something light. Yeah, yeah. Like a salad.

What about your red wine? So you're thinking, right, you're on the island. The upside, surely, is that you could just drink yourself to death. To death, yeah. But I think Putin would have such a strong... He'd have it all in rations that James Corden would deliver to people. You just got it set out. Putin rules this island. Yeah, that's what would happen. I think he would deliver to people. You just got it set out, Putin rules this island.

Yeah, that's what would happen. I think he would just take over. He's just too manly. And yeah, even killing him in his sleep would be out of the question because Taylor Swift would be so madly in love with him. Right, OK. And James Corden would just be such a little snitch. Why is everyone going to be so taken with Vladimir Putin?

Because he's hot. No, I don't know. I don't think you'd have the choice. Right, okay. It'd be a complete... Everything's out the window. It's literally just survival. Right, okay.

Who better than topless Vlad? No, yeah, yeah. But sure, so you've got your red wine and your mash and gravy. That could sustain you for ages. Yeah. Right? Little bits of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it'd be quite good, no? No, because I think the company would be so... Maybe it'd be good. I don't know. I don't think it would be. I think it would be brutal to eat in that heat, though. Oh, yeah, definitely.

When it's warm, the last thing you want is mash and gravy. No, no, you don't want that. You're on holiday. You're on a package holiday in Spain. You're not eating mash and gravy. No way. No, it would be too much. Yeah.

People in Thailand aren't eating mash and gravy. No, it's not our warm weather food. No. Okay, cool. It's for cold nights in Wigan. Right, yeah. Okay, mash and gravy, sweet. And red wine is going to be your drink choice.

Fine. This is the sound of your ride home with Dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine. And disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA.

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What are they and why? Actually, this ties in with Taylor Swift, who's already on the island. My least favourite song came out about six years ago. And it was cool. It was that, We are never getting back together. And it just was repetitive.

It was like a drill into your soul. We are never, ever, ever getting back together. We are never, ever, ever getting back together. When that came out, I was working in a warehouse. Yeah. Like this book warehouse.

And so it's huge. It was as if you buy anything online. Right, right, yeah, yeah. That we send it to. So it was just a warehouse full of aisles and aisles of books and she just had to walk around finding the right title in like these thousands of titles. And that song was on and they used to blast the radio

and that song was on like five times a day. Oh, man. Yeah, and I'd actually been dumped by a girl when they just repeated that song. And I feel like it sort of owns a part of me now. It's a horrible song.

Did that spawn your choosing of Taylor Swift? Yeah, if you were to put your finger on it, you'd probably, yeah. That was the start of it. I've never, you know... She writes her own stuff, doesn't she? I'm sure she's good at what she does.

I just can't stand that sort of music. You hear that and you just think, ugh. It sort of makes you sympathise with why people just lose their plot. Right, yeah, yeah. And do terrible things. If someone said, I don't know why people need religion as an excuse to do bad things

when you have songs like that. Right, yeah. Which I could get behind a bit more. But it's just got nothing to it, does it? No. It's so little going on. It's just repetition, and it's just non-stop.

That would be horrific for the island. That would be terrible for the island. Well, she's there as well. How's she reacting to that being the only thing? She's the sort of person who would sing along to it and not realise that she was destroying an innocent young man next to her. OK, so we are never getting back together, Taylor Swift.

Yeah. Okay. What's going to be your film choice? Film? Oh, there's a lot. There's a film called Stupid Crazy Love with Ryan Gosling in. Right. It was meant to be like a rom-com and it was just awful.

I've never seen it. What's it about? It's about like he teaches, I think, is it Steve Carell? I can't remember. It's not like a rom-com and it was just awful. I've never seen it. What's it about? It's about like he teaches, I think, is it Steve Carell? I can't remember. It's not like a bad cast. It's just a bad film.

The title is just sort of Oh, yes, I have seen that. Yeah, and he's meant to be like the love guru guy who always looks like sharp,

even at like stupid o'clock at night or stupid o'clock in the morning. And he like, he spends all his time in a bar but doesn't drink. It just makes no sense.

He's like, oh, he does drink, but he hangs out in this bar and he's always just sort of snappily dressed. It's like, this just isn't realistic. No, no. If you've ever seen someone who spends a lot of time in a bar, they don't look like Ryan Gosling.

No. And they're not look like Ryan Gosling. And they're not pick-up artists either. Pick-up eyes, that's the thing, isn't it? Yeah, that's what he was doing. So he sort of teaches him these smooth tricks. I think he falls in love with his daughter and the other guy falls in love with his mum or something. It's just an appalling film. Yeah, OK, right.

But it's just what seems to, like, Hollywood will just throw those things out there because people go and watch it. Yeah. Do you think the people involved know it's not going to be very good? Oh, they must know it's shit. They must do. It's like the Taylor Swift song.

It's sort of symbolic of a bigger problem, which is the stupidity of masses and our willingness just to sort of accept crap and enjoy it. I mean, it's just going on in droves, isn't it? Yeah. It's just like, you know, these programs that just have no substance with people that aren't famous that are talking about nothing.

Well, they just throw it at you. But it's like McDonald's, you know, it's just sort of, we know it's shit, but we do it. And it's, McDonald's is the biggest restaurant in the world, apparently. Not that it's a restaurant. Yeah, but the biggest chain in the world. You know, everyone knows it's crap. I can believe it, yeah. It doesn't make you feel good, but you still go in and do it.

And that is, I think, stupid, crazy love. There's something weird about that, isn't there? The Taylor Swift song. It's like a weird cult of McDonald's. Like, people just don't... Yeah. I spoke to a guy who did their... He worked in marketing there,

and he says that they have a thing where they keep the standard the same, so every McDonald's is the same. Right. But the standard is always average, so it never goes above or below so you never have your expectations exceeded what but you're never less disappointed so the business model is always just this is shit but not that shit and it works and they

and they and they won't let anyone excel they're not not like, don't be the best one. This guy, the chef at the Blackburn drive-thru is really shaking the place up. I suppose everything's like identikit food. It's basically like flat-packed food, isn't it? Yeah, they don't want you to step outside of the model. No, yeah. That's crazy. But also probably quite clever.

But those films are like crap burgers, you know. It's the way it's... They throw about six of them out once every two years, and it's just the same thing. Yeah, yeah. But, like, something like that, it has quite a good cast, doesn't it? There's quite a lot of big names in there. Yeah, I think, like, is it Emma Stone's in it?

Yeah. She was in Birdman, which is, I think, one of the best films I've seen in a while. Mm. Yeah, no, that was really good. Who else is in it? So how are they hooking? So they've got Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Yeah.

Emma Stone, maybe others. There's others, but it's not the worst. I don't know if it's the worst film I've ever seen. It was just the first one that came to me because the title's so bad, and it is a bad film. Yeah. It's really bad. And having to watch that for the rest of your life

would be just disappointing, knowing that there's so many really good films available, but just not to you for the rest of your life. I think Putin, Corden, and Taylor Swift would really enjoy it as well. Right, okay. To make it worse. They laugh at the same bits every night. Oh man.

I love how you're thinking. Taylor Swift just cuddled up on a makeshift rock sofa and James Corden would sit at their feet like a dog and Putin would plait his hair when they watched the film. Oh man.

But the actors in a film like Crazy Stupid Love, like, they must just be doing that for the money, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not reading the script and thinking this is going to be, like, you know. They're not idiots. Yeah, they know. They go, oh, this is going to be rom-com of the summer. I think even the people who write it know it's shit.

Right, yeah. How could you be that self-aware that you're writing something shit, though? Is it because it's easy to write? Money, yeah. Or maybe they're psychotic and they actually believe that it's good content. Fuck.

Which is scary. It's just like the McDonald's model. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep it average. Keep it average throughout. So those six films that they make every, like, two years or whatever, they've just got a pact. They just keep that average.

Yeah, it's the same model. And they have the love interest, don't like them at first, win them rounds, and they've got the less attractive friend with a bad catchphrase. Yeah, yeah. You know, and everything ends up at the end, you know, being okay. That's what is boring with films.

That's why everyone's like, oh, we should have, like, a female James Bond or a black James Bond. It's like, why not just not have James Bond at all? Hmm. Because I create different things. Like, I watch James Bond and they do all these action scenes

and it's like, I know he's not going to die so what sort of thrill is this for me? They should kill him in like the first five minutes of the film and then just carry the film on with like a black woman who is the new

spy and just watching just all these virgins running out of the cinema crying because James Bond is dead would be so funny. I haven't heard someone call a group of people virgins in so long. No, I just don't know what... I just think Bond's over, you know? You just go... They're like, we need to update him. It's like, don't. Just...

It's done. It's happened. Why does he need to be there through every part of... Yeah. You know, you just create something else. And all the... It's just like, oh, his martini. You just go... It's just a boring concept now, I think.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know why everyone's so keen to, you know, could we have a female James Bond? It's like, get, do something else. Get, you know, a female spy and call her, like, Patricia something. And not have a James Bond one, you know. Yeah, yeah. Just kill him.

Let it happen. You know, it's been going for too long. It's happened for too long and it's always the most boring. I like Sean Connery. I used to watch those films when I was a kid.

I like those ones. But other than that, you go, but loads of people like it. James Bond is like the Rolling Stones of cinema. It's like,

the classics are good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give it up now because it's not good anymore. It's tired. He's been... It's gone on for such a long time. It's also Daniel Craig. He's just a bland

actor, I think. It's become a sort of caricature and there's not much point in carrying on with it, I don't think. No, sure. Okay. A lot of people disagree. All right.

But crazy stupid love, so is that crazy stupid love? Yeah. Okay, cool. And Red, finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick

of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Oh. A really annoying chihuahua that Putin brought with him. chihuahua that Putin brought with him. Chihuahua? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, why's Putin got the chihuahua? Because it's his pet. He doesn't travel without it. Right, okay. And it just barks. And every morning I wake up to it shitting on my face. And it just barks every day.

Little yappy dog. Yeah, little annoying yappy dog. He never dies. Putin gives it the first choice of all the food. So he gets the best mash. I imagine Putin's chihuahua would probably drink red wine. Right, okay, yeah. So he'd enjoy his fair share of that.

Because why not? Because Putin is his owner. Yeah, I think that's what the annoying dick animal would be. Right, yeah. Do you like dogs in general? I don't dislike dogs. I just don't need one. I don't have a dog. I wouldn't

want to... I think it's too much effort, but I don't dislike them. I do find other people's dogs annoying, and I think people don't really... They're like, oh, sorry, he's just being friendly, and they're, like, jumping all over your clothes. Yeah, I know, yeah. He's fucking annoying. Just, you know, it's not for me.

No, yeah, fair enough. Did you have a dog growing up? I had one, yeah. Did you? Yeah. Oh, right, OK, cool. Yeah. But you have a dog growing up? I had one, yeah. Did you? Yeah. Oh, right. Okay, cool. Yeah.

But you don't like them now? No, I don't dislike them. I just don't need them. They're like James Bond, you know? Yeah. It's up to you, but I just don't need it. All right, well, thank you very much, Red. Thank you.

If people want to hear more from you, where can they find you? If you can follow me at Redrichardson1 on Twitter, I've got hardly any followers. OK. I've got... I'm just checking. I've got an embarrassingly small amount of followers, so I should... I've got 427. Right, OK.

And there's probably pet chihuahuas with more followers than me. So sort that out if you're listening, at Red Richardson 1. Facebook's at Red Richardson Comedy. I've got all my gig dates going up there on those things. So if you're going to come to a gig, you'll probably have followed my Twitter. So I don't need to read off where my gigs are. But do come along. Also, I'm doing Edinburgh, my debut hour,

called Seeing Red in the Gilded Balloon WeRoom at 5.45 every day, starting in August. So if you're there, come along to that. How many listeners do you get? Thousands. Thousands? Yeah. Oh, shit, really?. How many listeners do you get? Thousands. Thousands? Yeah. Oh, shit, really?

That's wicked. It's good, yeah. Oh, nice. I probably shouldn't have said some of the stuff. I thought, oh, no. All right, then. I'm sorry, James Corden. No, it's fine.

It's fine. It won't get to James Corden. Thank you very much for coming in, mate. Cheers, mate. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Cheers, mate. James Corden thank you very much for coming in mate cheers mate thanks a lot thank you cheers mate bye bye bye bye

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