Desert Island Dicks - RIA LINA

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Comedian, actress and writer Ria Lina joins Dan to share who and what she'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. I hope you're well and ready for a podcast. If not, then maybe listen to a couple of tunes first

and, I don't know, come back when you're fully limbered up. This is kind of stream of consciousness stuff here. I've not really planned it. But look, this episode features comedian Ria Lina, who's not just a comic. She's also got a PhD in virology. So she knows a thing or two about viruses, which isn't something we talk about on here. But you've got to to admit it's pretty bloody useful knowing about that sort of stuff these days. I'm still on a bit of a hiatus following the premature birth of my son who is doing well but still in hospital but this was recorded before

everything kicked off. Hopefully soon I'll be able to record some more and we've got some great names lined up just waiting to record as soon as my son can come home and I'm not at the hospital all the time. I've explained the situation to my son and I'll be honest he didn't seem to give a fuck so I have no idea how long that will take. Anyway in the meantime you're always welcome to share your own thoughts on who and what are dicks on our sister podcast Compact Dicks which is entirely made of listener submissions so tell us who and what you hate at dixpod.com slash contact or on twitter and instagram at dixpod also please do subscribe and leave us a review because it's really helpful for

us in lots of ways i won't go into here because they're boring, but they do mean a lot to us, so if you can do that, that would be wicked. All right, I think that's it, so here's Desert Island Dicks with Ria Lina. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and doctor of virology, Ria Lina.

How are you doing? Well, we're in lockdown three, so I am, you know, less good than lockdown one, I suppose. Not as bad as lockdown four. Let's put it that way. Yeah, it's definitely sapping every bit of strength now. Like at the beginning, you're like, oh, I don't mind it. You know, the roads are quieter, you know,

hear the birds singing, whereas now the roads aren't quieter. I still can't hear the birds singing, but I can just do less. And I'm angrier at people I see in parks all the time. Well, this is it. You know, there was a reason to cook sourdough and plant flowers and, you know, and do the garden because there was sun. And now there's no sun. It's just dark all the time and cold. And, you know, and I'm married.

So that's kind of says it all, doesn't it? OK, so I'm kind of getting a sense of your mood at the minute. So does that mean it was quite an easy, an easy task sort of whittling down your choices for today? It was a tricky task, I think, whittling down. It was a very tricky task. One of the things I've always noticed when you watch a cooking show like MasterChef and and they get to like episode seven in the middle and they go, we asked you all at the beginning what food you hate to cook with the most. Today, we're going to make you cook with that food. And so when you said what is your worst food and drink? I thought, oh, how do I you know, do I answer this strategically?

Am I going to suddenly is the doorbell going to ring in the middle of this and you've actually delivered over a meal of my worst you know possibly you know my worst nightmare um so so that kind of thought process went through my head um but the people one i think was the most interesting because it wasn't simply a case of just three people i think are can i say asshole can we swear on this it wasn't just about who are three assholes it was actually about curating three assholes that would be that would hate each other as much as I would not enjoy being with them. Or and with that, I had to sacrifice some. So I will admit that maybe individually there some of these some of my choices aren't that bad, but it's sort of like the coming together of all three of them in one place that makes it that would make it either

hellish or incredibly entertaining so that was my thought process was how will i get through months if not years in isolation with these people i know they've got to hate each other more than i hate them and that's how i came up with my choices. Okay, it's a good idea. I think, yeah, you're sort of layering these flavours, you know, delicately like a fine chef. So I'm intrigued to see who we get. And let's crack straight on with it then. Who's going to be your first choice joining you on the island?

Of people? Well, my first choice is Priti Patel. Okay, yeah. Well, not my first choice. Let's just say there's no first choice. There's not like, ooh, we're going to be besties. That makes it sound like, yeah, we're not braiding each other's hair in this scenario. But when we first said to come on the show and pick through, she really came to mind first.

Now, you know, I'm an Asian woman. She's an Asian woman. And I think that that really colors, pardon the pun, but that really colors my opinion of her because I'm so bitterly disappointed in her for the choices that she makes over and over and over again. And I think that the idea of being able to actually spend some time alone on an island with her where I can literally slap some sense into her is quite appealing yeah and if not just irritate her by the fact that i'm there you know because i i am i'm that kind of person that she

doesn't know whether you know oh my goodness am i siding with ria or am i trying to deport ria off the island you know she wouldn't know it It would drive her nuts. Yeah. And because obviously, you know, you so, you know, you have mixed parents, you know, you're mixed race and you've lived in different places all over the world. And that's just to her. That's that's like unthinkable, isn't it? You know, like when she sort of talked about ending freedom of movement, she she was almost seemed as happy about stopping us living in other places as she she was stopping other people living here. You know, I think if you look at her voting record, she just hates people. She genuinely hates people.

She votes against welfare. She votes against housing benefits. She she has voted against just equalities and human rights over and over and over again. And she loves military action. She's always going, yeah, let's send the military here. Let's send the military there. Let's, you know, put our mark on things. So but you have to remember that if you send the military into conflict, they are still people and they could well die. So she's said that she's interested in capital punishment as a way of controlling the masses in terms of scaring people.

You know, if you do that, you might, you know, the state might kill you. So she just doesn't like people. It's such an interesting line to sort of have on your CV to say, I'm interested in capital punishment. It's like, imagine that on a dating profile. I mean, imagine there might be a weird sort of dating app for psychopaths when she's sort of very in demand going interests capital punishment you know stopping welfare you know ending freedom of movement for people it's

it's just you know someone once said to me that when they see people doing these like acting like this it's like ask yourself is this something a baddie would do and so many of her actions you're like yeah that's that's what the bad guy would do in a film. I guess it's the same thing as when, you know, if you're, you know, how some people, if they don't stop the cycle, if they're beaten as children, they end up beating their own children and so on. If they're abused, then they continue. It must be that, that she suffered such horrendous things. And now she's like, well, I got bullied when I first started high school.

So now it's your turn instead of instead of ending the cycle yeah yeah she's a difficult character to be stuck with because i just don't think there's like some of them some politicians who do bad things you kind of think once you get them out of context you can sort of see how they might be a personable kind of person if you removed everything you know all their belief systems and their job and you just sort of said me and you here trying to stay alive on the island you'd probably be okay like some of them you get a glimmer but not not with pretty no i and i think as well you know there's gonna so there's four of us obviously i have two other people that have survived this crash with me and you can see her sitting on the beach going i'm not helping and i'm not doing anything. Whereas I think the other three

of us would muck in together and we'd build a shelter and we'd try and find food and we'd use our skills to try and figure something out. But she's the one that would sit there, expect others to work for her and yet participate not notch in the whole thing. But that's kind of why I picked her. I would enjoy watching her suffer in that way. I would enjoy her sitting out in the whole thing but that's kind of why i picked her i would enjoy watching her suffer in that way i would enjoy her sitting out in the rain because she's too stubborn to to to join in with our shelter building or try and build her own shelter because she thinks she can do better or deserves better and i think that's it i think she feels that she's above others and and um i'm sorry i trump her in so many ways so no i think i can imagine also

she'd sort of hate you guys for being immigrants on the island but not see herself as part of that somehow that is exactly it it's that sort of double think she'd be capable of to sort of you know think that you're worth worth less than her because you're you're somehow washed up on a desert island actually i'll be honest with you dan i'm quite looking forward to this island i've been in lockdown it's dark it's cold i am actually quite looking forward to this island bit of sun bit of sand fresh fish what's not to like about that and she's going to be there in her high heels because you know she's always got to look the part she will fuse to go barefoot she'll be'll be robbing pantyhose out of other dead passengers' luggage. And I think that it would be her worst nightmare.

And that's why I thought, I'm bringing you with me, bitch. Okay, good. Strong first choice. And who's going to be joining you then? Okay, so my second choice is a woman called Lauren Boebert. Have you heard of lauren bobert i have i have heard of her yeah but for anyone who's not familiar give us a little pricey so lauren bobert has just been elected to congress in this last year so she is one of these fresh new up-and-coming q anon following uh trump supporters that that supporters that answered the call and ran in, I believe, Colorado and is now in Congress.

So she's what they would call a freshman. She's brand new to politics. Normally you kind of run at a local level, work your way up. She's just like, nah, I'm aiming for the big house. And she won and she's in. But quite an interesting character. I think you could say she's a Karen. She's definitely a Karen.

Oh, I'd say she's like the Karen at the minute. She's sort of their figurehead, isn't she? She's one of two women who have gone for election running on these platforms. But I think she just exemplifies so much of what we here in the UK look at America and and and stereotype the middle to be and she's that so she's she's a little tiny little five foot five foot woman she used to do the whole blonde thing but now she's for politics you know she

has to be serious so she's gone she's gone brunette gone brunette for that but she's this petite little woman um and she always carries a. That is her right and she is always carrying a gun and she's always fighting for the right to bear arms. She's one of those that when they want to ban assault rifles and the rest of it is staunchly against those sorts of policies being progressed

in the conversation. She owns a restaurant called Shooters. Now, Shooters is a common restaurant name all over the world, and it usually means a bit of steak, right? A bit of steak, maybe a bit of surf and turf. Hers means all of our staff are encouraged to openly carry weapons. Can you

imagine sitting in a restaurant and being served by someone who has a semi-automatic weapon strapped to their waist? Like with your kids, being like, no, darling, don't touch the waitress's glock. Like, you know, leave that alone. Yeah. Just let her put the drinks down,

then she might show you her gun. Right, yeah. Don't not leave a tip at that place. You better be tipping well at shooters. So that's, you know, she has a fascinating background because she actually grew up in quite extreme poverty.

So she grew up in extreme poverty, dropped out of high school because she got pregnant. She decided to work in quite extreme poverty. So she grew up in extreme poverty, dropped out of high school because she got pregnant. She decided to work at McDonald's instead and and only just got her GED, which is her general education diploma, which is our equivalent of finishing high school. It's a high school diploma. She got a high school diploma last year in order to then run for Congress. But she she is it's really interesting to see her trickle up through the system. She believes in Q. She believes that Q exists. She believes that that there is a

conspiracy, an anti-Trump conspiracy that Trump himself is trying to, you know, drain the swamp. You know, there's two ways to drain a swamp. OK, you can pull the plug and it all goes down or you can, you know, scoop it out with a bucket. And as pull the plug and it all goes down, or you can scoop it out with a bucket. And as we all know, Trump has just gone, I'm going swimming, and he's kind of doing it both ways. I am the swamp. That's what he's done. But she's up there trying to drain the swamp of the other side. She also believes in draining the swamp. But she's separated herself. What's interesting is she's separated herself from some of the more extreme q conspiracy so she believes that there is you know an anti-trump conspiracy and a lot of the of the q uh non um rumors but she separated herself from the oh and they're all satanic

pedophiles who kidnap children and drink their blood yeah which just by rejecting that one policy everyone's like oh my gosh she's so reasonable everything she says I totally agree with that not the crazy one but everything else but I thought I'd invite her on the island because even though she's very similar to Priti Patel and I thought would they form an alliance would they form an alliance

I'm like no because I think the color of her pretty skin and mine to a certain extent would just short wire her brain. I don't know if she'd be able to handle the fact that there's three women on the, she would definitely pull rank as the white woman. Although I've looked at pictures of her and I'm going

maybe, I haven't been able to find out her background. Maybe there's more to it because she's not a blonde Barbie. She's you know, she's not Kellyanne Conway. She's not Ivanka Trump. So there's definitely something on there. But I wonder if she would definitely pull rank because she's Caucasian. Yeah.

And I mean, that would be confusing for pretty as well, because I yeah, she's such a funny character. I mean, funny in obviously not humorous i mean she's terrifying really like i i saw a video of her you know i think it went viral when she got elected she made a video of herself going this is me and this is my handgun and i'm going to be proudly carrying it into the into the senate um and you just think but like i get it you like guns like you know but but why you don't need it in there you've got armed guards like even if you sort of say oh it's very dangerous around that sort of area because you know you keep inciting people to go and riot there like surely you don't need it in your office it's such a weird thing like you're going

to save everyone if if armed like militants come in or something it's just such a bizarre thing and also since the armed militants are on your side uh definitely you know it's never the left that goes charging in with weaponry it's usually uh the right but she's. But she's such a mix of contradictions. Do you know that she advocates eliminating the Department of Education? I don't know what, I don't quite understand. Like, are you replacing that? Are all children just being given a gun at nine and taught to shoot it and that's it? She opposes abortion.

She opposes comprehensive sex education and federal funding of planned parenthood but this is a and and i guess it's because she got pregnant as a teenager and has worked her way up in the world and i think a little bit like pretty believes that well you know that the working class are just lazy and that they should you know that they should that kind of belief that oh if you're at the bottom it's your fault and you go that i would really relish the opportunity to point out the error of her ways yeah for that kind of thinking she's of course against anything environmental you know it's not called global warming it's called summer you know that kind of thing yeah it's it's just so weird isn't it when

you have people who are sort of so you know they always quote about you know they go this is our our right according to this amendment and i think it was the comedian jim jeffries pointed out it's like their amendments they've already been amended so you can amend them again you know it's like when someone you realize that there's too many people with guns killing each other then you know like i looked up the amount of mass shootings in america in 2020 oh dear go in 2020 in 2020 that's interesting okay and um and apparently according to wikipedia because there's a wikipedia page for u.s mass shootings in 2020 because that's how many there are. And it says, you know, it's got to be over four people involved.

Yeah. That makes it mass. Over 600. I think it was something like 680. And it's just, I mean, so at that point, when, how are you then saying... Sorry, 680 in 2020 in the middle of a pandemic? Yeah. So this is according to Wikipedia.

Let me see if I can find it again. What's the math on that? 680 times four people is 2,400 plus 320. 2,720 people have been involved in mass shooting, have been killed or shot in mass shootings. Oh, sorry, 615 mass shootings. 615 mass shootings. OK, so that's 2,460 people have been involved in mass shootings in a year where you're all supposed to stay at home.

Yes. 2020 that fit the criteria resulting 521 deaths 2541 injuries for a total of 3062 victims and compared to the previous year that's 181 more incidents more apparently i don't know i mean you know like you know you're sitting around you're isolating you know you're homeschooling you get bored you know know, nothing to do. You can't go to the pub. I don't know. I don't mean to make light of this. But I mean, it's sort of when people kind of talk about like, well, if we get rid of all our guns, how are we going to protect ourselves?

It's like, if you get rid of the guns, you don't have to protect yourselves. Yes. What are you protecting yourself against? Well, clearly educated people. She's absolutely Well, clearly, educated people. She's absolutely petrified of educated people. That's why she wants to get rid of the Board of Education. It's just strange that she runs... This is the other thing, because she is running on a law and order platform as well.

You know, she believes in law and order. She believes in supporting the police and all of the weaponry and everything. You know, doesn't want to demilitarize them. And yet she keeps getting arrested and not showing up to court. Just a mass of contradictions. But I worry, I guess I worry a little bit having her on the island that she isn't actually, I've come to the conclusion in the past couple of years, with everything that's going on, that some people don't have the ability to actually understand ration. Like, I think that ration is not available to all of us.

And, I mean, when I'm thinking of sort of any kind of positive about having her on the island, I was thinking, well, you know, she'd have a few bullets in her gun, that'd be useful for killing food, but she wouldn't because you've just been in a plane crash. So presumably, even with the most liberal flight, you know, airplane carriers, you know, you're not going to be able to have a gun on board.

So she's not even got that, and that's about the only useful thing she could bring to the island. Who's going to be rounding off the three people joining you? All right, this is controversial. you all right this is contra i i recognize that this is controversial and when i thought about it again this was about uh this was about contrast and this was about you know putting together people that would create a certain amount of entertaining conflict can i just say that out first? So my third choice is Owen Jones, the Guardian, the Guardian journalist. Now, and I suppose it's controversial from the point of view that obviously I personally, politically, do agree with an awful lot of what he says a lot of

the time. But what I fundamentally disagree with, I think, is the way is is the contradiction and the hypocrisy, again, of how he approaches his own advocacy. And I think that's why I felt that that he would he that's why I felt he qualified to come on the island. But also remember, I've already got Lauren and pretty there. And just come on, if you know, if you know owen jones you know introducing him into this situation is is a three-act play that we could go on for years it just you know what i mean like there's gonna be none of them are gonna none of them are gonna be biting their tongue at any point they're just gonna start the second you land to the second you're all dead and if i'm you know if i'm honest if i'm honest it was a bit of a selfish choice

because he's openly gay and I would quite like to have a gay best friend in that situation. I'm just like, I need someone. Even if all we do is bitch, but that's the whole point of having a gay best friend is they are the best at being bitchy. And we know this from his own work. He is very good at just going,

I hate that person, hate that person, hate that person. And then wondering this from his own work. He is very good at just going, I hate that person, hate that person, hate that person. And then wondering, why isn't anyone listening to me? And you're going, because there's a lot of hate going on, Owen. There's just a lot of derogatory stuff going on. So I feel that while I, and I think this is the contrast that I wanted to mention, is that it's not just enough to, it's not just enough to have a good policy or be in favor of good things. You have to go right about it in the right way, because obviously pretty and Lauren both believe in what they support. They believe in the policies that they're voting for. They believe in the platforms that they're running on.

And so does Owen. But sometimes it's it's it's the way you deliver your message rather than the message itself. That's the most important. And that's for me where he sometimes falls down a bit. Yeah, I mean, I agree with you that broadly, you know, people who've listened to this regularly won't be surprised. And I'm sort of broadly, you know, on the same side as he is. But I think there's a point where, like, you know, you look at the Daily Mail or something. And there's so many sort of articles saying this is why you should be outraged today and then i think sometimes i look

at the guardian and i feel it's not that different sometimes in terms of like it's not as vitriolic it's not as hate filled you know it's coming from a sort of maybe a more like you know they want more sort of equality and justice but there's a lot of going did you see this thing this is fucking outrageous look at how bad this is and sometimes i'm just like i just want to i just want to be like owen look i agree but can we just can we just like i don't know throw throw rocks into a hole for a while and just try and entertain ourselves rather you know i don't i don't want to talk about i don't want to talk about marx today you know like can we just i don't want to talk about inequality you know you're reminding like, can we just... I don't want to talk about... You know, you're reminding me how shit the world is all the time.

Can we just... Let's just keep it light, just for today. And I don't think he'd be very good at doing that. Yeah, no, exactly. And I think sometimes the only difference, as you pointed out, between the Daily Mail and The Guardian is a thesaurus. That's really, you know, they're both equally outraged from their own positions, but The Guardian uses slightly more flowery language.

And that is it. I think that if you truly want to be, I think the truly intelligent thing to do, if you really want to research, you know, this whole do your research, do your own reading, which is what we get all over Facebook is whenever somebody believes in a conspiracy, it's immediately, well, do your own reading, which is what we get all over Facebook, is whenever somebody believes in a conspiracy, it's immediately, well, do your own reading. Why should I do it for you? And you're going, well, this is why the left is winning, because they actually spread the information and share the information instead of keep it to themselves. But anyway, so is to read across a wide range of documents and publications so that you can see what all sides are saying. Because actually, there are times where I've read a Daily Mail article, and yes, most of it's bluster, but sometimes you go, actually, that's a good point. I can't disagree with that point in the big scheme of things.

And I think it's important to try and see it from all sides. And that's what, I think that's the other thing that Owen does that puts everybody's backs up, is that he's so staunch in where he sits that in a lot of he's very well educated very well read very well researched but when you sit that staunchly in one position and judge everyone else who isn't in your camp yeah then you immediately lose a lot of currency because then people go listen if you're if you're not willing to to bend for new information because you're not even willing to listen to new information or because of the of the messenger if you're blaming the messenger before you've even read the message

then you become less a less worthy advocator i mean you've obviously put the thought in and you've come up with just what is just a horrendous i was going to say melting pot but they're they're never going to melt together so you know just a horrendous group of people oh there's no melting like there there will be no sex on this island that is the other thing there is no sex on this island nobody yeah no and you know when you see like in astronomy and there's like jupiter has that red spot and that that red spot is a storm that's been raging for thousands of years you've basically created that on your own island so um so yeah kudos thank you do you know what i'll be honest i i by the time i came up with my combo i was quite excited

i was like actually actually i would i i would love to see this can we do a big brother where i where we put these three in the big brother house because i would watch that show yeah i think i think a lot of people would maybe from behind closed fingers you know in front of their eyes but uh yeah okay now ria moving on from people mercifully amongst the wreckage of a plane there was some food and drink left over unfortunately for you it's your least favorite food and drink in the world what are they and why are they so bad oh yes so the the food is is truffles and by truffles i mean the roots in the ground yeah the sort of weird mushroom fungus things the really expensive ones that all fancy restaurants are like oh and then i shave a little truffle and the tip for you and

i'm like why would you do that it smells like feet i can't stand truffle and and and it's becoming more and more common amongst those common folk to get a little taste of truffle and people get so excited and you can buy truffle oil and you can get truffle chips where it's you know it's grated on top of your it smells like feet there's a reason it has to be buried in the ground there's a reason you need a pig to find it. This is not good food. It's awful. And yeah, it's just, oh, every time I've smelled it or tasted it, it's just, it's like, you know, it's dick cheese.

It's just awful. And I'm sorry to bring that phrase up, but I can't stand, I cannot stand truffle at all. Yeah, I've only ever had, like like stuff that's flavoured with it, like, you know, rather than the real deal. Because, I mean, because, I don't know, everything costs five times as much as soon as you put real truffles on it. But it's, yeah, it does just, you know,

you kind of, I ordered some chips and now they really stink. And it's, and it's kind of unexpected. At least if you have like stinky cheese, you sort of expect it. But when it's like, why do my chips smell like this? And why do they cost three quid more for this oil on top of them? I don't quite get it. And then it sort of becomes synonymous with something a bit flashy. So yeah, you get crisps as well.

And it does seem to be kind of spreading everywhere. Well, exactly's it's one of the things that people pick up on and they go oh look at this i'm so i'm so push and i eat this and that and i'm going taste it it's like chili flakes have you noticed that there's now just everywhere chili flakes oh we're going to give you avocado on toast with a little bit of chili flake i'm going chili flake is just dried chili seed they get stuck between your teeth they don't add flavor use some chili use some actual chili you know and there's so much you can do with chili but just dried flakes truffle so i mean i guess i i said truffles generally but maybe the worst of it is as you

said is the truffle oil because then it's infused isn't it's infused you can't escape it at least if it's shavings of truffle you can pick it aside or swallow it whole and you know down it with a down it with a chaser of some kind but no i i think it's it's trumped up food that word has been ruined forever by that man but it's just it's pretentious food for pretentious people and our lives would be perfectly good without it if not healthier and better yeah yeah i think you know sometimes on masterchef you see like someone on a dessert would just put some gold leaf on it and it's adding nothing and they always get a bit pissed off with them doing that because it's like why i could you know i can eat this but it means nothing it's just gone this is

more expensive now because it's got gold on it and this is like maybe one step removed you know it is food but it's like the gold leaf of food because a lot of times it's like you're not using that in the way that you'd use mushroom to sort of enhance a dish you're just sort of going here's an expensive thing bosh there you go done is it feels lazy and whoever looked at gold and went that looks tasty oh you, you know what this is missing? It's missing some gold. That's what this is missing. You know, it was really nice,

but the textures, it just needed a little bit of, you know, of a thin slice of gold. Yeah, no, it's exactly the same as that. Yeah, fair enough. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast

advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with lips and ads go to lips and ads.com now that's l-i-b-s-y-n ads.com good choice and what are you going to wash those truffles down with? So this, again, controversial. I'm probably in a very small boat on my own right now. I've built a raft and I'm rowing off the island in contention with this. Coffee. Coffee. OK. I don't like coffee. I went on a trip. We traveled from California to Austria when I was four or five years old. And that journey was quite long.

And I remember, you know, you're jet lagged. You haven't slept well on the plane. And we got off and Austrians love their coffee. And the entire airport, we landed at like 8 a.m. And the entire airport smelled of coffee. And that coupled with me feeling ill and I hadn't eaten just put me off coffee for life. I don't like the smell of it. I don't like the taste of coffee. And that coupled with me feeling ill and I hadn't eaten just put me off coffee for life. I don't like the smell of it. I don't like the taste of it. I don't actually do caffeine very much. So even if I have a small amount of coffee, that would probably just send

my heart into, you know, a fib or something, you know, something. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me either. I mean, there's amazing there's, you know, truffle is another example of it. But coffee is another example of where we've managed to find a plant that we can't actually eat as it is. So then we go, how can we eat this plant? And we're like, I know. Let's take the seeds and burn them to fuck. And then, okay, can you eat it now? You could, but how about this?

Then we'll smash them to pieces. Then we'll put water through it. Cold water? No. Hot water. We'll put hot water through it. And then after that, we'll take that liquid. We'll add sugar and cream so it doesn't taste like it did. So it's sweet and it's palatable.

And then we'll, you know, that process. Oh, and if you're really super rich, before we burn the beans to fuck, we'll get a cat to eat them and shit it out. Oh, yeah, that civet coffee, isn't it? Civet coffee, yes. So it's just, overall, I think it's South America, the civet cat in South America, I think.

Don't quote me on that. But I'm just saying, if you have to go to that much trouble to get a plant to be palatable or edible yeah exactly i think it's it's not great it's i remember i just i always like astonished when people just drink black coffee because it seems quite cool and you know i'm 38 and i still just it's to me it's like i'm supposed to be a grown-up i'm'm supposed to like this kind of stuff. But doesn't anyone realise this tastes fucking disgusting? Like, it's really, like, bitter and nasty. And I'm like, am I just not in on this?

Are you just pretending because you look cool? It's like, how do you like your coffee? Black. You're like, yeah, good man. You know, it's like, what are you getting? Maybe, you know, it's one of those things where some people just have different taste buds or something. But I just think it's mental. those things where some people just have different taste buds or something but i just think it's mental must be it must be because some people like their coffee so thick and dark that your fork can stand up in it you know you just sort of you know they're eating it practically

i just don't i don't understand it myself i mean tea i'm a tea drinker now i didn't pick up tea as a habit until i was in my late 20s and actually I only drink one kind of tea and it's herbal so am I really a tea drinker but my point is is that you could take leaves pour hot water on them and call it tea and it's done and that makes a lot of sense to me you can do it with mint look at that mint infusion boom drink coffee so much so much to go through it's sort of like when the Japanese go uh ah, we will do the blowfish, but before the blowfish, we have to do this, that, that, and the other

in order it doesn't kill you. And you go, if it can kill you, maybe skip it. Yeah, there's loads of other fish. Yeah, have a salmon. Salmon's perfectly lovely. So yeah, unfortunately, I am, this is again, let's go back to it, but this is why I picked those three people.

I am miserable in the eating department. I'm probably losing weight by the week, you know, because Lauren's go back to it, but this is why I picked those three people. I am miserable in the eating department. I'm probably losing weight by the week, you know, because Lauren's not, you know, shooting fish every day. Because it's not like shooting people, so it's not as easy. So I'm stuck on truffles and coffee and I'm miserable. And that's why I needed a bit of entertainment from those people. Yeah, and they're pungent foods as well. Even if you just had something that was really boring and bland to eat forever, like just a root of some kind,

just having those two really pungent things to survive off is horrendous. So, yeah, a good choice there. OK, now, Ria, fortunately, you're not going to be without entertainment on this island. The planes entertainment system continues to work, but just your luck, it only has two working settings. One is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song.

What are they and why? This was hard. This was hard to narrow it down, I'll be honest, because it's more like entire genres of film and entire genres of song that would drive me mad because if I don't like something, I don't pay attention to it. So I picked something that exemplified one of the genres that I don't like for the film.

So for the film, I picked Titanic 2. Titanic 2. Titanic 2. That's right. That's right. And let's start with Titanic 1 to get to Titanic 2 I've never seen Titanic 1 no me neither

and mainly because when I go to the movies I like a bit of a story and I don't understand how people went and sat through three hours of a film where they already knew the ending I was like how

oh yeah but there was a romance I'm just going did they make it? no so that's a shit romance that's not a romance is it? they didn't make it they weren't together so Titanic itself already boggles my mind that people not just watched it but liked it but then

somebody went how about Titanic 2 and I'm going who is stupid enough to get hopeful that this film might be different to the last film right you think who's sitting there going maybe they make it this time of course they don't make it of course they don't so titanic two is but hollywood's gotten a hold of it because there's no truth in titanic two because it's completely fictional they hollywooded it up uh you know with all sorts of special effects and the rest of it but bottom line at

the end of the day i mean there's a helicopter in this one right there's a helicopter but at the end of the day the ship sinks and it hits an iceberg and it sinks so i think having to watch that on repeat forever would be a nightmare is you know i looked this up and um it said in an article i read about this titanic 2 it said that it was it went straight to tv in australia like there was no proper theater release there was no video release straight to telly but in australia and that i mean that speaks volumes i think about the quality of this film and i saw the trailer for it and it's like it wasn't made that long ago but the special effects were from a long time ago from what i can tell in the trailer it's like they obviously you know because it's nothing to do with the other one it's just someone's gone no i'm gonna make titanic 2 and it's nothing to do with any of the original

people so they've just kind of gone uh we've got no money but but hopefully it'll do well. And it just looks like it was made in 1993 or something. I'll be honest. I think it was a tax dodge. I think whoever funded it was just like, how do I fiddle my accounts? I know I'll donate a lot of money to a film and they'll fiddle it that way. Because you're right. Yeah, it's taken a long time to make and then and then it never it never came out quite right this the cast is different it just it has nothing to do with james cameron and one of the reasons why it's so rubbish uh but it's just

the idea just the fact this is what frustrates me i work in the arts and it frustrates me that there are people writing original content and this is what's getting made and paid and i mean i'm glad all the actors got paid and got work and i hope it didn't damage their careers that they were in it but other than that i'm going this is this is a travesty that they've done this you know no imagination also i'm annoyed i'm giving spoilers out now so turn off i mean well if you couldn't guess that the Titanic sank, that's on you. But, you know, skip forward 20 seconds if you don't want this plot spoiler. It also annoys me that they did exactly the same thing. They had a couple and then the guy dies, sacrificing himself for his girl. And then the girl survives. Just like in the first movie. I'm going, it's 2020, you know, little equality here. Why not swap it around? Why can't she die? And he goes off and is heartbroken for the rest of his life.

Why does it always have to be, why does the man have to be the hero? Why couldn't she have been the hero? She was a nurse as well. Like, let her be, you know, let her be the self-sacrificing hero instead of the guy who doesn't even be a hero because he fails. But anyway, nah. Yeah, no think i think it sounds like a terrible way it looks like a terrible film and also the other thing is you know you've just survived a plane crash so even you know if the film had any entertainment value it could be quite you know upsetting when you're you know watching another

sort of water-based crash of a big transport with loads of bodies everywhere. So, yeah, it could be quite problematic in that, in terms of your recovery. I think the only positive to it is that it would evoke some quite interesting discussion around the campfire between me, Pretty, Owen and Lauren as to who they would say first. Like, we'd all watch the film and then they'd go,

no, Owen will be like, children and women first, and Pretty would be like, people who legit, you you know the paying passengers first the staff can wait you know lauren's there going every person for themselves if we had more guns it wouldn't have sank in the first place right because we could have blocked all the holes with the guns yes uh so yeah that's that's the movie that's a very sensible Okay, what would your song choice be? Okay, I wonder how controversial this will be. I don't know if you've had it before. My song choice is Do They Know It's Christmas by Band-Aid.

This is a good choice. Yeah, good choice. It's, you know, I was going through, again, I was thinking about the genres of music I don't like. And actually, I don't, like, I'm not, I don't listen to hip-hop that's not my thing um but when i thought about it politically from the point of view of what's the worst song i realized that the worst songs that have ever been made are not genre specific because there can be a lot of musical positives to to hip hop and all the genres have some amazing artistry in them.

It's really the intention behind this song that makes it so appalling. And again, it's that kind of well-intentioned but misguidedness of it that I react to. Now, I'm not African. I'm half Filipino. I identify as Asian. But I do feel the pain on behalf of a lot of very proud Africans who go, this is and this is the same problem we see every year with Red Nose Day, is that we're being sold a particular picture of Africa by the media that isn't fair to Africa. Because yes, there are parts that are obviously struggling and with famine and with war

and that need help. But there are a lot of thriving economies and positives to Africa that we're not being shown. And I think this kind of slightly arrogant white idea of oh, let's help everybody. Do they know it's Christmas? And you're going, well, no, because they're a different

religion. They don't celebrate Christmas. This is not their thing at all. This is you, yet again, because they're a different religion. They don't celebrate Christmas. This is not their thing at all. This is you, yet again. It's just a different way of being a missionary, isn't it? Through music. It's just missionary. It's that missionary kind of, we're doing what's best for the natives and what's best for the tribes is bringing them our culture.

Well, no, actually. It was disastrous the last time you did it all the way through the hundreds of years. Stop. Stop. Stop bringing our culture. Well, no, actually. It was disastrous the last time you did it all the way through the hundreds of years. Stop. Stop. Stop bringing your culture. Maybe start listening. I feel like with that song, it was a means to an end. It was like, let's raise some money

at this time in history and let's kind of, you know, this is a big charity thing, but it wasn't meant to last as long as it has so the idea that now it's just this christmas single but you know you're not raising money with it anymore you know you're you're just playing it whilst you're buying loads of presents for people that they don't need in a shopping center it just feels so weird it's like it should have been taken out of rotation ages it wasn't meant to be a christmas song it's a charity song at christmas so and now it's worse because you know at least if they every

year they were like okay we're going to bring it back but with new artists we're going to raise money again we'd be really bored of it but at least they'd be doing something where it's like we've had it it's been what like 30 odd years and more hasn't it i mean it's not well they redid it didn't they do band-aid did it did it again i think they have done a couple of re-releases that people don't really take seriously but it's still not meant to be a happy christmas song it's about like people having a shit time for all kinds of reasons but we forget that and then you know we're dancing to it at an office party. This is true.

I mean, that's the other problem is that it's sort of we've acclimatized to the message and therefore aren't actually hearing the message anymore, which, as I said, was well-intentioned. I think I'm also really sensitive to celebrities piling on. This is the original Ice Bucket Challenge. Let's be honest. Do they know it's Christmas? It's the Ice Bucket Challenge of the 80s. How can I show that I'm thoughtful and caring

and the rest of it? I know. I'll go into studio for a day and give a day of my time for free and then everyone will be like, oh my God, yes, I'm so into charity. The Ice Bucket Challenge was supposed to not just raise awareness for ALS, but raise money for ALS. You were supposed to get sponsored in order to do it.

And what happened was, is people kind of forgot about the sponsoring, which is do it, get go viral on their own, you know, in their own little social media community, and then nominate two other people who are like, Oh, well, I've been nominated, I guess I have to do this. It's like, A, you don't. A, you could just say someone nominated me. I'm not doing that, but I'm going to give 100 quid to ALS charity. Yeah. And that's the right way around.

But, you know, to do it, you know, at least with the London Marathon, people still remember to get sponsored for it before they do it. Before you run with a fridge on your back or dressed up as Piers Morgan or whatever you're running as as a banana, get sponsored. And that's what I feel this is.

That was kind of the two things I was going, but how much are these celebrities doing? Did they do a whip round at the same time and go, hey, celebs, give us all the spare change in your wallets because you can afford it. And in addition, raise a couple thousand. I don't think they did. Did they? I mean, some did. Again, I'm sort of lumping them all together, which isn't fair. There are, you know, there's a lot of there's a lot of good work being

done out there by celebrities, but I just, it's the contrast between this and, and I, and I, it sounds unfair. I see the purpose of this. The purpose of this is a bunch of celebrities get together, create a product, and then everybody in the country can participate in that charitable event by buying the single. And we can all feel good about ourselves, but I'm just saying it doesn't need to be that way. We can all just

give to charity on the daily in so many different ways. And if you can't give money, you can give time or, or you can volunteer for things like there's so many different ways and if you can't give money you can give time or or you can volunteer for things like there's so many other ways of actually giving to charity and this for me is doesn't represent the best of them yeah yeah i'm sick of it and i think just i mean you know even aside from all that just as a song not very good song and also being stuck on an island there's i think some people have picked christmas songs before and i think there's a certain like madness that only listening to a christmas song out of season repeatedly can bring you know like if if someone was to go past your island and just hear that booming out you're like okay we've got

to get these guys something's wrong whereas if they heard any other song they might think you're having a some kind of weird angry beach party or something you know whereas it's just i don't know just being stuck with just a christmas song like just hearing it the wrong time of year it's the same so grating about it as well and you know obviously then you're gonna have all the political owen jones is gonna be straight all over those political arguments they're still gonna start the other two up again you know pretty is going to be like talking over those political arguments. They're still going to start the other two up again. You know, pretty is going to be like talking about foreign aid and why they should even give money to Africa and blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, a good choice. So true. And Lauren's going to be like, what's Africa?

I don't understand. You mean by Toto? Would she know Toto? Would she know Toto? I don't know. She'd know the dog dog i don't know if she'd know the artist i just thought they might play it in her steak restaurant you know it's that sort of thing but um anyway who knows who knows okay well look finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals which animal is it and why okay before i answer this can i ask what other

animals you've had this This was the hardest thing. I am a massive animal lover. Finding an animal to hate or to label as a dick. Although I do have good reasons for my choice. But have you had this animal before? What have you had? We've had everything. I mean, I'll tell you what.

So I have my spreadsheet here made by our lovely listener, Paul. And I can tell you that the most picked animal is always cats by a long margin. Oh. Then dogs. And then, you know, we've had everything from sort of insects to mammals and, yeah, quite a few in between. I think, well, why don't you tell us what your choice is? So I picked the bottlenose dolphin. Okay. I think dolphins have been on here before.

Okay. Not often, but yeah, I want to hear your reasoning. So the bottlenose dolphin, one of the most intelligent creatures outside of humans on the planet. But they are amongst the few animals in the other species other than humans that kill. And I don't mean for food, but I mean that just murder. And in the case of the bottlenose dolphin, we think they murder for fun.

Right. They have a record of targeting porpoises. They target their own young. And in some species, we see that the males might kill the young of a female in order to mate with them themselves. We see that a lot, where they'll kill the young, remate with the female to ensure that the young are definitely theirs. But in this case, the dolphins are killing the young and not mating with the females. In fact, we've seen evidence that females are killing the young. So it's not just about reproduction.

It's just like, oh, this was a mistake or, you know, revenge. I hate your daddy left me. I don't know why. And actually, they've seen evidence that bottlenose dolphins also use their sonar location to target the weakest parts in a porpoise. So they're beating porpoises to death. They're actually beating them up. We're finding porpoise carcasses. Say that 10 times while drunk.

But they were finding porpoise carcasses. They weren't sure why they were dead. And then when they were analyzing the behavior, that they actually use echolocation, no, their sonar location. I don't want to get that wrong scientifically, but I think it's sonar, to target the weak areas in the porpoise to make sure that they definitely kill them. And so overall, I thought that is the dickest thing I've heard of in the animal kingdom.

Yeah, I mean, it's almost like, because, you know, we know that humans as a species, you know, we're capable of immense kindness, but also of horrendous acts of violence as well. It's almost like with a dolphin. It's like, God, we're so intelligent, but we haven't got hands to actually make anything. So all of this pent up intelligence and it's going to get so frustrated. We're just going to resort to murdering stuff for fun because we've got nothing else to do with our with our intelligence so all i can do is highlight the weakest parts of a porpoise and murder it because i've got all these ideas for a fucking you know for nuclear fission but i can't i've got flippers it's not going to work i'm in the water you know just and it's just like they they just get so angry with themselves that they just start killing other things yeah and and it's not like they're

overlapping that's the other thing is there's no evolutionary purpose for it they don't overlap with porpoises in terms of food they're not sharing you know sharing uh they're not in competition with each other but groups of males adult bottlenose dolphin males often gang up and kill porpoises um so i'm a massive fan of them but when it comes to a dick move like if this if this is the island of the porpoise then the bottlenose dolphin is definitely the dick in this in the water going around beating everybody up it also feels like they've got sort of slightly duplicitous nature as well because they're so you know they just look like they're happy all the time and you know crocodiles kind of smile as well but you know they also show their teeth quite prominently like

we know that they're bad boys you know we know that they're not the nice animals they sort of go i'm a bad one stay away from me or i'll fuck you up you know as a dolphin's like yeah sure child dying of cancer yeah you can swim with me if that's on your bucket list i'd be happy to help yeah come on just wait hold on to my fin great and then they've gone oh that was good i'm gonna go and murder some porpoises and kill the young of my female speed you know members of my species it's like you know well exactly and you know people will point to evidence that you know dolphins have brought people back to shore swimmers that have been stranded too far out to sea and they bring them back.

But actually, we don't know that they aren't also taking swimmers that have drowned, that we presume, missing presumed drowned, that they haven't taken them further out to sea. So we don't really know. Moving you back to shore so you can't find the evidence of all their fucking horrific crimes. And they're like, quick, quick, there's a human. Just get rid of him.

Exactly. And dolphins in general, you know, as if we widen it out to the full family. I mean, killer whales. Goodness sake. Like, you know, what are you? What are you? What are you identifying as?

Come on, pick a side. So they're highly intelligent, but I can see that if they've got a feel for it, like I feel like I'd be all right swimming in the water with them. I think I think we'd be on a we'd be on a level, but I don't know if if pretty and Lauren would be as safe. And I can I just be clear, I don't say that like, oh, they look like porpoises. This is not a comment on their on their feminine attributes. But just just that if the dolphin senses that yeah this woman needs to be brought

down a peg they might they might take one or both of them further out to sea fair enough well look i think you've put together a really good selection of people and things to be stuck with on this island um it's not going to be short of fireworks but i imagine that you know any rescue attempts is going to hear the arguing from a long way away and decide never to pick you up. So I think it's a good choice. What did I do to deserve this though? What did I do? That's what I don't get.

No, no, nothing at all. But I mean, you have been very skilled in putting together an awful selection of things. So, you know, in that respect, you've done very well. But I'm sorry. That's all I can say. Now, as some kind of peace offering, where can people hear or see more from you at the minute? Obviously, we've got this lockdown at the minute. It's obviously really hard for comedians.

But where can people find more of your work? I think the best thing to do is find me on the social media of your choice. I'm on, obviously, Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and TikTok, weirdly, but I'm not on Parler because no one is. And so find me on your social media of choice. Reach out, say hi. That's great. And then if you also go to my website, realina.com,

you can see a list of publicly available gigs. Most of those, well, all of those, let's be honest, are on Zoom. But when i do do a zoom gig anyone's everyone and everyone's welcome to buy a ticket uh it doesn't matter where you are in the world so those will be listed on my website cool nice one all right well thank you again for joining us on desert island dicks today it's been a pleasure thank you Bye.