Desert Island Dicks - RICH WILSON

Episode Date: January 19, 2020

Comedian and host of the 'Insane In The Men Brain' Podcast, Rich Wilson joins me to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads. Go to lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you.

And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedian and podcaster rich wilson hello hello how are you yeah good yes i uh thank you very much for coming in it's nice to be here on the island yeah i know uh how does the island look to you right now yeah good i quite like it it's one of those things when you first get on holiday go this is nice yeah the first bit yeah yeah i mean regardless of we've just come we just been in a plane crash and we've lost most people. Yeah, apart from the people that you're going to put on your island. Which is just bloody typical. Isn't it?

It's just my luck, that is. Firstly, I was able to afford to go on holiday. I worked it out. Oh, finally. The dream holiday. And then that's just gone to shit. And now I've crashed the plane. And it's the worst people possible.

The biggest assholes in the world. Oh, yeah. They're not actually, but we'll get to that. No, okay. All right. That's a bit harsh. No, okay. Okay.

Let's, so how did you find choosing the people for your island? I, do you know what? It's difficult, isn't it? Because there's the obvious ones. We've got the Katie Hopkins, we've got Boris Johnson. Katie Hopkins, I would never want to be anywhere with. No, no, no.

That is a, I'll happily say, that is a vile woman. Boris Johnson, to have a pint with, I don't agree with anything he says politically. No, yeah. And I don't think he should be running the country. But if he was in a parliament, oh, Richard, horse scratching, you go, yeah. And I don't think he should be running the country. No. But if he was in a

parliament, oh, Rich, horse scratching, you go, yeah, go on then. Oh, go on then. What have you got to say for yourself? Yeah, yeah. Tell me a story. Let's thrash this out. Yeah, yeah. In a web of spoons on a Wednesday. Alright, so you didn't go for the low-hanging fruit, the obvious choice, so please, Rich, tell me, who have you chosen for your run? I went for,

and I know there's supposed to be three, isn't there? Yes, yeah. But I went for the cast of, I thought this was a 90s sitcom, but it's not. It's the early 2000s. Oh, yeah. The cast of Coupling. Yes. Not the actors themselves.

Yeah. Because I imagine they're all very lovely people. Mm. The characters. Okay. Please. Yes. Tell me why.

I remember watching it at the time and thinking, and I wasn't even in, I didn't start comedy until 2004. So I never in a million years thought I'd be a comedian. I just enjoyed comedy. So I remember watching it and thinking, this is all right. It's what it is. I used to love Jeff. Yes. Jeff was a dude okay like i'm just gonna put this out there i've never watched it so you're gonna have to explain to me

how old are you 31 31 oh yeah so you probably wouldn't say it would have been something your mom or dad yeah yes i think so yeah yeah i do do you know what i can picture it yeah but i never watched it no yes it wouldn't have been for you. No. Okay. Okay. No, but please fill me in. Please. So you had, there were these group of friends, very much like the American, I think it was

modelled on the American friends. Right. Yeah. So there were these bunch of, they're middle class people and they all meet up and there's a lot of time spent in wine bars, in this particular wine bar. Yeah. Which is very British. You know, in America it was coffee. Yeah. Yeah. You know, whereas here it was particular wine bar, which is very British. In America, it was coffee.

Whereas here, it was a wine bar. Straight to the booze. Straight to the booze. It was called Couplings. It was all about dating and the dating game, as it was known. I'll do that in quotes. The dating game. As it was known back then, the game.

Since back then, we've learned. It's a lot of games. We've gotten better at this. Yeah, exactly. There are human beings involved in this. back then the game since back then we've learned it's not a game we've gotten better yeah exactly there are human beings involved in this yeah don't be such a twat

yeah but back then it was known as the game yeah and they and it was all about them and the various sort of scrapes

that they'd get into and they all had very definite characters and they were all they were called Jane and Sally and very British yeah very definite characters and they were all called Jane and Sally and very British. Yeah. Very twee.

He's quite twee. I have a problem with British comedy. I love comedy and I'm not knocking anyone that writes these sitcoms. I mean, it was written by Stephen Moffat. Oh, really? Yeah. That's interesting.

Who am I to knock them off my stuff? Yeah. I don't think he's called that. No, but I liked it. I'm going with it. Who am I to knock them off my stuff. I don't think he's called that. No, but I liked it. I'm going with it. Who am I to knock him after, with his resume, when I've not actually written a single thing.

I write jokes. I barely write them. I make notes. Who am I to knock him? I know. It's much like Richard Curtis. I'm not a fan of Richard Curtis movies. I find them... Oh, yeah.

They've come up a bit on here. Yeah, yeah. They're a bit saccharine. Yeah. Saccharine is a good word. And you'll have diabetes by the end of a film. You're like, oh, it's too much. Yeah, definitely, yeah.

It's a very... It's just a... Oh, excuse me. It's a very... It's just a very British thing, quite twee. That stuff, whenever I see that now in sitcoms or on TV, it's really cringe-inducing. It's like, oh, you didn't need to do that.

Yeah, all that sort of Little England thing. It really, really annoys me. Yeah. And so I remember enjoying Coupling at the time, but I think I went back, I watched a couple of episodes recently, which is why I brought it up. And I kind of went, oh, God,

none of these people are horrendous. This rubbish. I don't want to be with any of these people. No. And. So are they, just to get an idea of the characters are they sort of in the vein of a richard curtis he's a very yes close they've all got very like so you've got is it jack davenport he's a great actor and he plays steve right that's the thing sally james yeah

exactly it's like it's patrick it's jeff it, yeah, okay. So it's all very, very Middle England-y. It's like if I said to you, think of a woman's name. Jane. Yeah, exactly. And it's just like, all right, yeah, that'll do. Yeah, exactly. Think of a man's name. Steve.

Yeah. Done. Exactly. So it's all that. So you don't have to think too much. You're not sitting there going, oh, I wonder where that name is from. This is what it is. And they've all got very particular

so you've got Steve he's like a handsome but bumbling kind of just a bit awkward not very good at the sex shut up so you've got your Chandler and then you've got Jane

who was like the Phoebe character. Right. You know? It sounds like they were like, let's make the British friends straight away. It was exactly that. So Jeff's like, who would Jeff be? Jeff wouldn't be. Because Jeff was like, he was like the kind of weird and wacky one.

But sometimes he'd say something and you'd go, brilliant. He was the funniest, definitely the funniest. Sounds like you liked Jeff. he was like the kind of weird and wacky one but sometimes he'd say something and you'd go brilliant he was the funniest definitely the funniest sounds like you like Jeff I love Jeff

and do you know what for the purpose Jeff's not on the island he's not going on Jeff didn't turn up he was too busy experimenting at home yeah

because I met this woman and I decided just not to go yeah so you would like to be stuck with Jeff love to be stuck with Jeff? Love to be stuck with Jeff. That's good.

Jeff's a dude. Is he? Yeah, I love Jeff. I love Jeff. And I can't remember, I'm really sorry, but I can't remember the actor's name, who's gone on to do some brilliant stuff. He's a brilliant actor.

They're all brilliant actors. He's brilliant. But it's the characters that we're digging into. It's the characters, yes. Just in case I bump into, I don't want to bump into these people, but in case, you know, because don't want to bump into these people, but in case... You know, because my missus

is becoming more successful, so there might be a chance at some point I might... Bump into one of them. Yeah, or she drags me along to a party and... Yeah. Oh, all right, Jack. Nice to see you.

That was awkward. Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't about you. It was about the character. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, this is a rare one, but a good one, I think. So, the entire cast, bar Jeff... it wasn't about you it wasn't about the character yeah erm yeah okay so yeah

this is a rare one but a good one I think so the entire cast bar Jeff bar Jeff of Coupling because Jeff was going to come with us on holiday erm

but then like I say he met someone and just he just wandered he met someone in the airport and he just wandered off and thought he was going on holiday yeah I appreciate that

yeah I like er I like how you put it he's experimenting at home yeah I like that yeah he's having a good time he's having a good time oh I don't need to go on holiday whatever he put it. He's experimenting at home. Yeah. I like that. He's having a good time. He's having a good time. Oh, I don't need to go on holiday.

Whatever he's up to, he's having a good time. Okay. Rich, anything else about the cast of Coupling before we put them on the island? I just, like, it was all about, like, Patrick apparently had a big dick. And there was a lot of of there was always that kind of it sounds like it hasn't aged well no

and he was like the roguish kind of like like one of them one of them kept would sleep with him and then it would all the others went

oh I can't believe you why did you sleep with him again why did you it's all right yeah it was all yeah and then yeah he had that big dick energy. Yeah, all right.

And everyone's like, oh, he's got a big dick. He's got a big dick. And then one of them, one of the lads would see it and they were like, oh, that's huge. Don't know what the benefit would be to have a massive dick, though. I don't know either. It just doesn't matter, does it? No.

As long as you've got one. Yeah. I don't think either. It just doesn't matter. As long as you've got one. Yeah. I don't think the size matters. I don't think so, no. I say that. Yeah. Mine's huge. That's why the plane crashed. Yeah.

Just the weight of your penis. Just the weight toppled us into the ocean. On one side. Yeah. It was like a rudder. You went to the toilet and boom, hole through the floor. That was it. That was it.

Gone. Nice. All right. I love where you're taking this. Thank you very much, Rich. Into the gutter. Right into the gutter. Yeah.

Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad? The main one for me, and this is a massive scar from my childhood. I was a kid in the 70s, so I didn't have mayonnaise until I was 22. Yeah, it just wasn't a thing. Yeah, so I think there wasn't a lot.

I had a friend of mine, Arohan Danji, and he was from Pakistan. He was one of my first ever friends. And he'd come into school with these exotic, wonderful sandwiches. I didn't even know what the meat was. It was just spicy meat. And he'd come in and he'd go, oh, do you want a swap? Because he'd never had bland 70s cheese before. With Ribena in it because the flask had leaked.

So there's all that. So we used to swap sandwiches. So that was my first experience of great, great food. Oh, that's great. Yeah. But one of the things that they kept serving us at school to the point where,

I mean, now, you'd get a letter from your mum and they'd say, listen, if you're going to be serving that, Rich can't be in the room. Can you do something else? That bad? Yeah, whereas back then, it would just make me puke yeah even now when i smell it i'm like woof tinned ravioli oh tinned ravioli yes i cannot oh yeah i cannot bear what is it about it

it's just the smell right yeah taste is awful it's Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. I've had proper ravioli since. Yeah. And it's wonderful. It's great, yeah. But this tinned shit. Yeah. Can I tell you? Yeah.

Yeah, cool. These fucking... Yeah. The tinned shit is awful. Yeah. It's awful. And they used to serve it at school with these horrible tinned peas and that typical lumpy mashed potato why yeah i know it was like prison oh he's bad that ravioli as well in that sauce it's just like salty it's just salty

bad the devil's oily and salty because they've got to put tons of shit in it for it to last in a can yeah absolutely that's why these things you know when we're long gone there'll be a tin of ravioli yeah yeah they'll think that we were like planet the apes that was our god yeah this must have been what they fed their animals this is it yeah this is the life these tiny pillows um i love that when at school i'm thinking back it, school dinners, like, they're just, like, the worst. It was the worst stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

It was just, like, so I was in primary school in the early 90s, and it was, like, it was just, like, the same thing. Beans, chicken. I would have this, though. This is nice. Beans, chicken nuggets, chips was the best on a Friday. On a Friday. Yeah, it was always Friday.

But, like, the rest of the week, it's kind of kind of like some mush that goes with some other mush on the plate and it's just like one's like like a color of any description and the other is just like white and it's probably smashed yeah i mean powder and mate it's like whether you when you stay at certain certain hotels which is we're very lucky to do in comedy. Sometimes you get put up in a hotel. But a premier inn do the best breakfast. Do they? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although they use, if you have the scrambled egg, I think they use the powdered stuff. Yeah, yeah. It can't be powdered egg, man. We're not on the moon, are we? No. Yeah, no, it makes no sense. It's just like, yeah, it's a powdered egg, man. We're not on the moon, are we? No. Yeah, no, it makes no sense.

It's just like, yeah, it's just like foam. Yeah, it just isn't right. It's not right. It's like we're doing Veganuary, Jade and I. Oh, yeah, how are you getting on? Good, man. Yeah. Although, yeah, well, I say good.

I had to meet yesterday, but I was at a party. Okay, that's all right, yeah. Because Jade went out last night to see Les Mis. Oh, nice. some meat yesterday but I was at a party okay that's alright yeah and uh because uh Jade and Jade went out last night to see Les Mis oh nice yeah after my gig

she went come and join us come and join us and um and she was with Jenny Ryan from The Chase oh yeah

this isn't me bragging no this is like how fucking mad my life is yeah yeah so your partner's

Jade Adams right yeah yeah sorry we didn't say that but we should sorry yeah my partner's Jade Adams and uh

you know what I mention her on every fucking podcast. Edit this out. Oh, you love it. You love it, that's why. That's why. It is.

And so I met up with her last night, and then there was just this, it was like the after show party, and so there was just this platters of fancy food and wonderful cheese. Oh, nice. I love the planet, but for the minute. Oh, yeah.

There's delicious salamis and cured meats. You've got to have it. I've got my own brie. Yeah. It's the same as at the minute. I'm not doing dry January, but I'm not drinking at home. I'm only drinking if I'm out. Yeah.

So that can be the same with your meats. I think so. If you're at a party, you can have a few meats. I think it's fine. We're not buying any meat. No. Yes. And I think we're going to do it for longer than January.

We're going to keep doing it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's good. I already feel better. I've been eating less meat and I feel better. Yeah. I must say.

Yeah. Like more energy. Yeah. Which is weird. Yeah. Because you think it would slow down. No, it's funny. When you start, it's weird, isn't it? Like a car. When you put good would slow down no it's funny when you start it's weird isn't it like a car when you put good things in it it runs better yeah it's funny isn't

it yeah i say this on stage i mean i'm like you know with our body our bodies are amazing machines but i've not looked after it like i was giving a rolls royce but i put i put greg's in the petrol tank yeah it's true it's true isn't it yeah knackered it. Yeah, knackered it out. So, yeah, so my school... Oh, yeah, sorry, back to that. No, but that's so... Tinned ravioli. Tinned ravioli.

Oh, man. Yeah, I... Now, I mean, you know, I'm an adult and I can... I've been very privileged to have some wonderful meals. Mmm. And...

Where was I? I was somewhere recently and someone... Someone served me something like t tin ravioli and I just looked at him like what are you doing? I'm not toast as well

no no no that's enough yeah I'm good so tin ravioli and what's going to be your drink choice? oh man take your time well do you know what I used to love, I used to love, there's a, what is it?

Is it tango? Might have been the tango, but it was a fruit one. It wasn't just orange or... Oh, yeah. It was like the, do you know the one I mean? Yeah. It's like a fruit... Fanta fruit twist.

Yes. Is it that one? That's the one. And it's like pale pinky orange colour. Yeah. I used to love that. Oh, yeah. But now, but now, the sugar tax. You can't be doing it. it's like pale, pinky orange colour. Yeah. I used to love that. Oh, yeah. But now, the sugar tax.

You can't be doing it. Now they've taxed the poor again. Yeah. Bullshit, mate. Do they not do it anymore? They do it, but all drinks are ruined now. Yes. They're all ruined.

There was a lovely one. I can't remember the company. They do like elderflower and apple and things like that. And they do rhubarb. Oh, wow. So not Rubicon. Rubicon do rhubarb. Oh, wow. So not Rubicon. Rubicon do a wonderful lychee. Yeah.

Which is really nice. That's dreamy. Yeah. That's been fucked because of the sugar. Yeah. It just doesn't taste the same. It doesn't taste the same. Same as Ribena.

Ribena. It's awful now. Exactly. It doesn't taste of anything. Ribena was one of those things that when you drank it, you could feel the shape of the fruit you were drinking. Yeah. And now they've just taxed it all.

It just tastes, it's like, it's not the same. It's not the same. It's an imposter. Which is why now I'm happy. I have a bottle of water. Yeah. I just don't have the disappointment. Coffee and water.

Yeah. So I think, yes. All right. So we're going to go all drinks all drinks all drinks anything sugar that's been ruined by sugar tax it's been ruined by the sugar tax yeah okay and we've been on a plane so there'll be plenty of that yes i think so uh so i over christmas i went to the cinema with my dad right uh to see the star wars film oh yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was good. Have you seen it? Not seen it yet, no. It's pretty good, yeah.

And we went over Christmas and it's just my local cinema. It's a little cinema in my hometown in Hertfordshire. And I went in and I was like, one of the things I was looking forward to the most was getting a massive Pepsi

or a Coca-Cola and a big thing of popcorn. And I was like, I'll have a Pepsi. Dad, do you want a Pepsi? Yeah, two big Pepsis and a big popcorn. They were like, what Pepsi do you of popcorn and I was like, I'll have a Pepsi. Dad, do you want a Pepsi? Yeah, two big Pepsis and a big popcorn. They're like,

what Pepsi do you want? And I was like, regular Pepsi. And they were like, we don't do regular Pepsi. What? We do Pepsi Max or Pepsi Max Cherry.

Oh, for God's sake. And I was just like, why not? And they were like, sugar tax. Sugar tax. And I was like, I will pay more.

I will pay that bit more to have this in my life it's ridiculous they're ruining everything i had a fucking pepsi max man didn't taste of anything someone it was someone put a sign up on it was a it was a sign in the shop and someone put up um this it said all tin all canned all canned fizzy drinks um they've all the price has all gone up because of the sugar tax. And then someone said, but you're selling Pepsi Max at the same time,

at the same price. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're taking a piss. That's gone up as well. Yeah, yeah. How's that gone up? Yeah, that's good.

Okay, yeah. So basically blaming everyone else for ruining the good drinks. Yes. Yeah? This is good. Which has done us a favour, I imagine, as a nation. Yeah, but...

We've all got... Our teeth will last a bit longer, but... Hey, in McDonald's, you can pay 12p, 13p more and you get that sugary one. That's fine. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, they've worked it out, man. Just press that button. Yeah, but then you've got cardboard straws. Yeah, you do. Bloody turtles are ruining everything. I know.

Oh, those fucking oceans. Fucking oceans. How dare you? Romesh rang and Nathan said, he goes, I recycled. I did it properly. I did what you told me to do. I put it in a box and then I gave it to a man I trust to take away and deal with it.

He threw it in the sea. Why am I getting punished for this? Yeah, it's true. It's true. It true it's very true yeah it's a good old yeah they need to sort it out at the top so we can have a sugar drink turtles man okay tin ravioli and uh all all sugar tax drinks yes okay uh thank you very much rich you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements. Or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lips and Ads.

Go to Lipsandads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, fortunately, you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work. But but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why avatar oh yes okay absolute dog shit yeah yeah yeah someone said to me once they said when was the last time you cried at the cinema and i said avatar, Avatar, 30 quid a ticket. It was expensive.

It was really expensive. Yeah. And everyone clapped at the end. And I remember, I was with my now ex-wife and we went and,

you know, the hype behind it was next level. And it looked beautiful. Yeah. It was a really good looking film. Yeah.

But the story was so shit. Yeah, it was shit, yeah. It was a really good looking film. Yeah. But the story was so shit. Yeah, it was shit, yeah. I was so angry. And the story is... It's meant to be based on something, isn't it? It's based on something. I can't remember what it is.

Is it... I like... Oh, right. I'm just going to... Oh, Pocahontas. Is it Pocahontas? Apparently, it's like, like for like, Pocahontas. Ah, right.

There you go. The tree of life and all that like they try and take it away yeah I think maybe again

I mean who am I I've not made a film no true and James Cameron has made Titanic for fuck's sake which is one of the best films

there's ever been not one of my favourites but it's epic yeah and I think they were so focused on the technology and the and the 3d element of it and making it this this wonderful looking film that i suppose they had to keep the

story pretty basic and not but no it's not yeah yeah and there was a bit right so they're all flying around on those blue things yeah yeah everyone's got one of them they're all flying around on those blue things yeah everyone's got one of them they're all flying around they were like the they plug into them they were like yeah they were like the they were like the

the full escort of the planet everyone's got one of them yeah and then out of nowhere this big orange one flies down

and you're watching it and then she and then she says only five people have ever managed to tame and I literally out loud and I'll was, fuck off. I see what's happening.

Half hour later, he's flying around in the Norwich one. Fuck this film. Shove this film up your arse. It's so obvious, isn't it? It just, out loud. And my, bless her, India and my ex-wife said, shh. Oh, fuck off. And it was kids in there.

I'm sorry, but I'm not having this. I'll tell you what's going to happen in half a day or so. That fucking guy is going to be riding that thing. Yeah, I'll tell you now. And there it was, half an hour later. It was long, wasn't it, as well? It was long. It was like three hours long.

I remember, I did think, I think you're watching, must have been in 3D or whatever. And I remember watching it and thinking, you know, all the colours were just like really vibrant. And I remember maybe being a bit simple. I walked out and I was just like, it was really colourful, wasn't it? But I don't remember anything else.

Do you know what I mean? And I wouldn't go and see it again. No, of course not. I think the story, was it Fern Gully? Fern Gully. Fern Gully. Fern Gully. Fern Gully. Fern Gully. Fern Gully.

Which is a brilliant film. It's a good film, yeah. Tim Curry is the bad guy. Yes. Now, Fern Gully is a good film. Tim Curry's a great bad guy. Ah, he's brilliant. I love Tim Curry.

But, yeah, Avatar. And it wasn't, they said it was 3D, but it wasn't like 3D out. It was like in. Mm. Which was the depth to it and all that. Yes. And so to look at wonderful but the actual story i i don't care if i never see it again no no i can't believe i'm trapped

on this island it's the only fucking film you can't watch it over and over again if it was something i liked yeah there'd be no electricity i won't be able to watch the fucking thing you're just like oh yes oh yes. Oh, no. And that's it, forever. Rich, what's going to be your song choice? Oh, blimey. I'm going to go with Peter Andre, Mysterious Girl. This is good.

This is really good. And I'm sure Peter Andre is a nice... He seems very nice. He seems very nice. Yes. He's lovely. He's a good dad yep but Mysterious Girl

can jog on yeah it's one of those that whenever I hear I never go out of my way to listen to it

no but whenever I hear it it's in my head for days yeah even now I've mentioned it that's it now oh yeah

and it it's just shit it is and I do say I've said this before there are there are no there's just shit. It is. And I do say, I've said this before, there are, there are no, there's no shit music

because if, there's music I don't like, but it doesn't mean it's shit because someone somewhere gets joy out of it. Yeah. So that means that it isn't shit. Okay.

Yeah, I'm with you. But, but, it's shit to me. Yeah. And I fucking hate it. It's such a bad me. Yeah. And I fucking hate it. It's such a bad song.

Oh, and I mean... And that sort of reggae light rap. I know, yeah. And I could just see people in some kind of... In some holiday camp somewhere. Doing a dance to it. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's moves, yeah.

They've got penis deal droppers. They have. On some hendo or something. Yeah. Willie Straws. Yeah, Willie Straws. Yeah. I can't abide that song. No. they've got penis deebleboppers on some hender or something yeah willie straws yeah willie straws yeah I can't abide that song that's the one

yes but someone said if you get an earworm the song to get it out is final countdown by europe what and it just goes and then that would be

yeah that kind of dilutes it or erases it no way yeah but what if that's your earworm yeah yeah yeah And it just goes. And then that would be, yeah, that kind of dilutes it or erases it. No way. Yeah. But what if that's your ear right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's a shit song as well. But that would just be stuck in your head forever. So you've got that in your head, you're surrounding my dickhead. No, no, I'm sorry. And the only film is out. I know, I know. This is every week I do this and I just think, I'm sorry to have done this to you. It's a brilliant idea.

Yeah. Are we talking shark-infested waters? I think so, yeah. Then I would just wander into the sea. Straight in, yeah. I'm done. Oh, I'm with you and Avatar, and what's that, Peter Andre?

Blaters, I'm out. I see you. I'd smother myself in the ravioli. Yeah, imagine if it was... Into the sea. Yeah. The sharks wouldn't touch you. They wouldn't, they'd cob me out. What's this seminar?

School food shit. Reminds me of primary school. Okay, just for this, I'll let you have the music video to that as well. Oh, nice. The Mysterious Girl. Thanks, man. Peter Andre with his curtains underneath the waterfall.

What were the curtains? I know. Because they weren't dreads, were they? They weren't like little dreads. They were like really slick, like wet look gel, frosted things. Yeah. They looked like a, I don't know if you remember. Do you remember the cartoon Reboot?

No. Oh, man, that was a good show. Was it? I mean, that was the 90s. Yeah, so my son's 20. My oldest is 28. It was about his era. Yeah.

But Reboot was like, they were these video characters, they lived in, they lived in like your, they lived in like your Game Boy, whatever, in your computer system. Yeah.

And so when you plugged a game in, they became the characters in the game. That's good. And when the game finished, they'd go off and they'd live inside your, Oh, this sounds great.

Mega drive. Yeah. And one of them, the main guy, had Peter Andre's hair. No. Which was computer generated. Why is that? That's so weird. It's just what he looked like, I just don't remember. Yeah. And one of them, the main guy, had Peter Andre's hair. No. Which was computer generated. Why is that?

That's so weird. It's just what he looked like. I just don't remember. Yeah. Yeah, if anyone's listening and you remember the show Reboot. Yeah. Because the bad guy in that was excellent. Rich, you do not look old enough to have a 28-year-old son.

Yeah, man. Proper scum. What moisturiser do you use? He's looking fresh. Just happiness. Just happiness. Just happiness. Yeah. High on life.

Lifetime of happiness. And avoiding Tim Ravioli. Yes, that's good. Thank you very much. Mysterious Girl is going to be your song choice. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? The biggest dick of animals?

God, blimey. I just... I quite like animals. It's tough, isn't it? Yeah, blimey. I just, I quite like animals. It's tough, isn't it? Yeah, animals is a treat. Has an animal ever wronged you in your life? I got bitten by a donkey.

Did you? Yeah. I was feeding it and they said, you've got to keep your hand flat. And I didn't. I had it like that and it bit my fingers.

It's not even a donkey's fault. It's my fault. It's your fault. I'm blaming a donkey. I'm like, that donkey's dead now. That's glue, isn't it? Dead as a donkey.

No, that's not it. Dead as a donkey. No, that's not it. Do they turn donkeys into glue? I don't know. Horses. It was horses that were glue, wasn't it?

Yeah. What's an animal that's... Oh, it's a tricky one, man. I think something... oh wow you could pick something that's scary that would be scary to be stuck with or whatever i think well do you know what i think as you get older and you sort of educate yourself and you start to realize because sharks were terrifying for years and jaws because of jaws yes because it was seen as this like it was this marauding monster that was actively seeking out human beings.

Whereas the fact that if a shark has bitten a human, it's normally by mistake. Really? Yeah, they don't know. I didn't know this. They don't go, oh, it's a human, quickly. Yeah, we don't taste very nice. We're quite fatty, apparently.

This is what I've read, I might be wrong. But yeah, they don't actively seek us out. They'll see something splashing about, they're quite fatty apparently this is what I've read I might be wrong but they yeah they don't actively seek us out they'll see they'll see something splashing about and they'll come up

and go oh what's that and then they'll chomp it and go oh that's disgusting ah gob you out oh

but they don't actively seek you out so with that knowledge you kind of go oh most creatures don't really actively seek you out

to come and get you unless you piss them off. Yeah, okay. Steve Irwin, that's unfortunate. Yes, yeah. I mean, who knew that stingrays were killers? Up until then. Yeah.

Not that I'd find, just big flat fish. I mean, like, the way that he went about, some of it was bound to happen at some point. Exactly, and it's been covered by other comedians and people that do impressions and things like that but it's that

yeah if you're gonna if someone came if this is big you're watching Netflix or whatever you're watching you're sitting there in your underwear

you're eating ice cream doing what you're doing and suddenly this big hand came in through the roof and yanked you out and started shaking you around going look at this little guy he'd be fucked off as well

he would yeah so I get it I totally get it so it's a tricky one to say and you're around going, look at this little guy. He'd be fucked off as well. He would. Yeah. So I get it. I totally get it. So it's a tricky one to say which animals. I don't like snakes. Yeah.

I don't. I'm not a fan. No. I like what they look like. Oh, yeah. They're very deceptive. Yeah. Because they look, one, they look wet. Yes, they do.

And then they're very, a snake is just a giant muscle. And my mate, my mate Lee Goldstone, I used to know him when my sons were very young. He used to be our neighbour. And he had a boa constrictor and an Indian python, I think. What? Yeah. And he built the tank above his bed. What?

Yeah. What? It was bananas. What? And I remember him, he'd go, right, I the tank above his bed. What? Yeah. What? Bananas. What? And I remember him, he'd go, right, I'm going to feed him. And he put a dead rat in the other end of the tank, away from the snake's head. What?

And he dropped it in. And as he dropped it, this snake snapped and just went, I've never seen anything move that quickly, from one end of the tank to the other in the blink of an eye. And I just went, fuck that. No way. Well, I'm never seen anything move that quickly from one end of the tank to the other in the blink of an eye. And I just went, fuck that. No way. And then he was moving house. So where I was living at the time, we looked after the snakes.

And he was like, yeah, you can let them out. They were just. What? So I was watching the television and I'm on this. I'm leaning against the sofa. So I'm in the middle of the sofa. I'm on the floor. I got my knees up and i'm watching telly and i saw the snake's tail off to my right and he was kind of going around the back of the sofa and i was kept an eye on it i'm like i see

where you are i see where you are but i didn't because as i'm looking at the tail the head was no the other side it was that long yeah and so it's gone right around the back of the sofa and then as i'm looking at the tail, the head's coming in on my left and suddenly it's there and I'm like, so snakes, snakes can get in the seat. That is horrible.

Yeah. And a snake will, there was that story of that, there was a woman years ago and she said, she took the snake in,

she took it to the vet because it was ill. Something, it was underfed. Yeah. And she was worried about it and then she's like, oh, I'll have it to the vet because it was ill. It was underfed. Yeah. And she was worried about it. And then she's like, oh, I'll have it in the bed with me. And it loves to stretch out next to me and it gets all comfy.

And the vet was like, that isn't what's happening. That snake is measuring you up. Oh. Yeah. This snake was lying in bed with her. And she's like, oh, it's lovely. He stretches out, and he lies next to me, but he doesn't look like he's been fed.

He won't eat, and he won't this, this, and that. He's measuring you up, mate. Next time you're asleep, that's it. Yeah, he was measuring her up. How mad is that? Oh, my God. Yeah. That's horrible.

So, bollocks to snakes. No, yeah, okay. Yeah, imagine that. I don't know if this is the most sweary one you've had. No, it's fine. I mean, so you're on the island and that's it. There's just snakes everywhere and you can never go to sleep. No.

It's like Indiana Jones when he looks down in the tomb. Yeah. And he's like, snakes, asps, very dangerous. Yeah, yeah. Okay, snakes are going to be animal toys. Thank you very much, Rich. This has been brilliant. It's been my absolute Animal Choice thank you very much Rich this has been brilliant it's been my absolute pleasure

thank you so much it's great to meet you and you great to have you on the podcast I want to hear more from you what are you up to what are you doing I am

I gig I'm always gigging so I'm gigging around and about the place I've got a website that's going live any minute

so I have all my dates and things like that I'm doing Soho Theatre March 20th and 21st yes 8 45 um and tickets are selling fast so please people can get tickets now yes please do and apparently they go up in price as well the nearer to the time oh so i might be wrong about that but okay all right yeah in case get and i'm not just saying that we get them get them soon yeah yeah because they will they will and you've got a great podcast i have called insane in the membrane it's a great it's a in case and I'm not just saying that but get them get them soon yeah because they will go up in price and you've got a great podcast

I have called Insane in the Membrane it's a great premise for a podcast it's all about men having a chat yeah and it's

mental health is the jumping off point but it's more just about getting men to talk about other things than football and fighting

it's refreshing it is refreshing and there's some really good chats on there. And you've got one coming up with David Baddiel. Yeah. Yeah. How good is that?

That's great. And I, because he's got the same agent as Jade. And Jade, we were just saying like, Jade was saying, who would you want if you could have anybody? And I listed a lot of people. And David Baddiel was one of them. And she went, just email him. And I went yeah alright

you go fine so I did I emailed his agent and didn't hear anything back and then suddenly they just went yeah we'd love to have him on he's going on tour

perfect yeah so let's have him on that's great and he came to Comedy Central where we recorded and he walked in and I immersed myself in David Baddiel stuff

all day yes so I was used to him yes and then he walked in and he was cool and I even said to him I said I've immersed myself in David Baddiel stuff all day. Yes, yeah, prepare yourself. So I was used to him. Yes. And then he walked in and he was cool. I even said to him, I said, I've immersed myself in your stuff today so I didn't get all fanboy.

Yeah. And it was great. He came in and he sat down, he knew exactly what he wanted to talk about and it's a really great episode. Oh, I can't wait to hear it. That comes out next week. That's brilliant.

Okay, well, yeah, I urge everyone to buy tickets and listen to your podcast. Thank you very much, Rich. Thanks for having me. Cheers.