Desert Island Dicks - RICHARD HERRING

Episode Date: September 15, 2019

Comedian and podcaster Richard Herring joins me to share who and what he'd hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. Hello, this is James just dropping by to tell you all that we've booked in a couple of Desert Island Dicks live shows. There's one on the 10th of December in Kings Cross at 2 North Down with the brilliant Tom Allen and I believe tickets are selling really fast but there's a few tickets left on the website if you get on there quickly. Other than that I'm going to be at the Podcast Social Club in Thirsk in North Yorkshire on the 23rd of November. Guest TBC. It's going to be good. Get on there and get your

tickets now. Enjoy the podcast. Hi, I'm James Deacon and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to you. And here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today, you probably know him from clearing stones in a field or playing himself at snooker. It's Richard Herring.

Thank you. Hello. Hi, how are you? Yeah, I'm good. Well, I'm all right. I've had some sleep, which has made me feel worse and I've got a bit of a bug off the kids, but you know, that's just normal. So yeah, sort of confused and tired and a little bit ill, but that's my life now as a parent. I feel like I've gotten you in a rare state because usually I'm listening to your podcast and you've gotten up at four in the morning. Yeah. So I got up at 10 to 10 today, which I don't think

has ever happened for in the last six or seven years, I would say. So, yeah, it's a bit strange. And then I told my wife when I went to bed very late, I'd been gigging. And I said to my wife, I would wake me up because I do have to get into London. We're outside of London now, but she didn't. So, you know, it's lucky I'm here. I could have slept in till three. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, I'm glad you can make it. Thank you very much. I'm going to address the tiny elephant in the room. Okay. It sort of came to light after I started this podcast. Some people started adding us both in. Yeah, sure.

Oh, was it after? Okay, yeah. Go on. You actually do a feature on your podcast called Desert Island Dicks. Well, one of my emergency questions is, who would your Desert Island Dicks. Well, one of my emergency questions is who would your Desert Island Dicks be? But I kind of thought I'd go the route of Richard's because it was actually because Sarah Millican

was a guest early on and she'd just been on Desert Island Discs. And so I kind of thought, oh, it'd be fun to ask her about Desert Island Dicks, maybe meaning penises, maybe meaning idiots. And then I thought, oh, let's mix it up and surprise people because they'll think it's going to be penises because it's me. So I did it about you have to choose your favourite eight Richards

that you'd go to on a Desire. And it's actually surprisingly difficult. I quite like making people do it and then actually, you know, they get three and then they go, oh, you know, and then you go, no, I want the other five as well. That's great, yeah. And I'm the luxury Richard you get anyway. Yeah, that's great. And then I've got oh, you know. And then you go, no, I want the other five as well. That's great, yeah. And I'm the luxury, Richard, you get anyway. And then I've got quite a few other emergency questions

that I wrote for my book. So one of them's about Des Island discs. What eight disc-shaped objects would you take to a Des Island? This is good, yeah. Des Island dirks. That's quite a hard one for eight people called Dirk. I don't think I can name one. I don't think I managed to find eight, but I had to Google it.

There's Dirk Gently. There's Dirk Maggs, who's a radio producer. I can't remember any of the others. I think there was some Danish Dirks. I think that might have come up because of Sophie Hagen. Yes, okay, yeah. Yeah, so we've done that. But, yeah, if you start doing Ham Hand or Suncream Armpit podcast,

then you're going to be in trouble. I think the Desert Island Dicks thing is a kind of, you know, something that people would think, and it's a nice format. I've listened to this. Oh, well, thank you very much. It's a nice format.

You're very kind. Cheers. Great, because I did worry for a minute that I'd be your first choice on the island based on that. If I'd thought of that, I would have done it. Let's change one of them.

No, no, no, please, please. Richard, let's dive in. Who's going to be your first choice? My first choice, just because I am waking up very early, usually, except today, and watching... You turn on CBeebies to just act as a babysitter. And there's many things on CBeebies that I love, mainly Rebecca from Let's Play.

Yeah. She's great. She is great. I'm very much in love with her. And it's luckier. I'm sort of slight... I think I sort of backed off a little because I lucky I'm sort of slight I think I sort of backed off a little

because I thought I was sort of scaring her a little bit which I did know she started following me on Twitter quite recently so you know I might be in

sorry to move my wife's listening but I will leave you and my children for Rebecca from Let's Play but there's plenty as a parent and you get this a lot there is actually

a great Twitter feed of CB's grown ups for adults oh it's great it's so funny where, as a parent, and you get this a lot, there is actually a great Twitter feed of CB's grown-ups. Oh, it's great. It's so funny. And where people, as a grown-up and as a parent watching these things, you do sort of bond on the terrible characters on CBeebies, which is difficult to choose. I did initially choose Bing.

Yes. Who's like, you know, is just, there was a very good tweet on CBeebies growing up about all the things you learn from all the various CBeebies characters and a long list and then you learn this from this character, this from this character and then Bing nothing Bing Dash and then there's nothing because he's just

he is a dick I mean he's not the biggest dick on Bing which is ironic because Pando is the biggest dick I got invited to see Bing live so this is part of the reason I don is the biggest dick, yeah. I went to see, I got invited to see Bing live. So this is part of the reason I don't like Bing as well

because I had to go see Bing live and it was a long show. It was 90 minutes with an interval, I think. Oh, that's long. But it was on in the afternoon and it was on the same day that England were playing

that World Cup or European game where they won 7-0 or 5-6-0. Yeah, yeah. And it literally, the show was on when the game started and finished as the game ended. And at one point I did start trying to watch it on

and I'm not that into football but I'm not that into Bing either. So I did try to watch it on the seat next to me surreptitiously on my phone and my wife told me off obviously. I'm a performer even though those guys were in costumes and couldn't see me it was very rude so I don't like

him for that but I think that show would be a lot better if at the end of the show they hanged Pando if he was just

executed somehow and we would mentally scar the kids but the adults would be so happy he wears pants doesn't he

Pando just like Flop pulls the lever and just turns and says it's a Bing thing as Pando hangs at the end. Yeah, so there's lots of things not to like about Bing. The fact that just regular things are...

Very few of them are a Bing thing. Oh, yeah. They're just a thing. They've got Mark Rylance being Flop, which is incredible. That's the one thing that makes you think this... One redeeming feature. It raises this show above the average. But Bing is just

extremely annoying. He kills a butterfly in one and then he breaks a phone and throws it in the bin. He's just a menace to society. So even though Pando is my least favourite one, I chose Bing.

But then there are loads of other... I don't want to make it all CBeebies, all three of my choices, but any one from... There's a lot of CBeebies, all three of my choices, but any one from, there's a lot of CBeebies characters. I was waking up very early in Edinburgh and I'd forgotten about this with my son. Basically the first programme on CBeebies

or more or less, or maybe the second, is Baby Jake. Yeah. Which is this very, the trippy ones are the ones that get you. At that hour, yeah. Because you're up early

and you've had no sleep and then suddenly this talking baby and they live in a lighthouse and they go through this big rigmarole at the beginning of the show about this family living in a lighthouse and they have A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, D. They have 10 children.

It's like the Waltons. Yeah. They're all named. They've obviously planned to have 26 children because they're named alphabetically. And there's the eldest sister who someone was theorising is the actual real mother of baby Jane. Oh, my God.

Which I think might be true. And then they go through all these children and one of them has peas and one of them has faces on his knees. Yes. And there's quite a big backstory to this family and then none of them ever appear in the show really, at the beginning and the end. So there's a much better show about those 10 children.

It's true. And their attributes that happen to rhyme with their names or whatever. I've never thought of that. And Baby Jacob, then it just goes off into a just... Some of the CB things are really great and engaging and you enjoy them I really enjoy is it called

Moira and Mac Mac and Moira is it I don't know what it's called I met one of the women from Mac and Moira or Moira and Mac or whatever it's called and the songs in that

are very catchy and enjoyable and also it's Scottish so I kind of enjoy singing the woman I met is the one who says catchy and enjoyable. Oh, yeah. And also it's Scottish, so I kind of enjoy singing. I love the song. The woman I met is the one who says, the big hub is open.

And I kind of wanted to do that to her face, but I didn't do it to her face. But there's some delightful shows. But Baby Jake is just this cartoon where they have hamsters and frogs. I mean, it's just so trippy. Yeah. And the same so trippy. Yeah. And the same songs every day.

Yes. So that one. So I hate Baby Jake. And because they've made him a cartoon and because all the rest of it is pre-filmed, it could go on forever. You know, like you think, well, at least when Baby Jake's old,

they'll have to either have another kid and call it something else or they'll have to stop making it. But they've got enough photos of Baby Jake's face. Yeah. To keep it going forever i bet baby jake actually got paid about 150 pounds he's just in the whole thing

yeah so i don't like them and the new one is moon and me i think it's called have you seen this one happy nana yeah i've seen it i've seen it really i'm getting just too trippy and there's a clown character in it that has sort of vaginas for eyes yeah or like fish mouth for eyes or something.

It's something very weird for it. I mean, it's actually the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. And I was saying, I mean, I talked to my daughter about it. She was watching. She loves it. And like, this is just. My daughter likes my, I've got a daughter and a son. My son's a baby.

And she said that he looks like Moon Baby and I can't unsee it. He just looks like Moon Baby now to me. It looks like his head's going to glow in the dark. Moon Baby's pretty freaky. They're all pretty freaky. Nearly every character in that is freaky and terrifying, you know.

But the clown one, I think, really generally looks like something made up by Steve Pemberton and Reese Shearsmith. Oh, yeah, it does. It just looks like the League of Gentlemen

character that will come in the night, will be standing over your bed and ready to stab you in the face. So I don't know if they've done that on purpose, but that one haunts me.

I'd love them to direct an episode of that. That'd be good. But also don't know if they've done that on purpose, but that one haunts me. I'd love them to direct an episode of that. That'd be good. But also, they do like very, you know, again, it's the surreal kind of trippy nature of it, and there was a bit where that character was going somewhere, and it felt like a four-minute sequence of it just walking down a road, disappearing over a hill,

then appearing over the hill, just walking to a place. It's the kind of thing I would love in any other, any art form, but in a children's show, it really freaked me out, just walking to a place. It's the kind of thing I would love in any art form, but in a children's show, it really freaked me out, this just thing walking away. At least it was walking away, not towards me. So, yeah, the hateful characters on CBeebies,

and then there's many characters that I love on CBeebies. The Furchester Hotel. It's brilliant. We got to visit the Furchester Hotel because I'd written about wanting to have sex with Fionnuala from the Furches Hotel. I ended up doing a whole routine about it in the Metro. I wrote about basically fancying Fionnuala from the Furches Hotel. Then they invited me to the BBC with my family to meet,

which I thought was an odd reaction. I noticed you want to fuck one of our puppets. Come up to Manchester, come on. Fuck away. Do bring your kids along so they can be mentally scarred. I do this routine about how you know, how you think after the BBC would be, you know, after all that's been going on, we're a bit more cautious about it.

There's a bloke in the paper who wants to fuck one of our puppets. Imagine if you get into a room and the nurse is just laid out on a chaise lounge. It was almost that. We got in and the puppeteer was so flattered by it and was apologising to my wife, you know, for going, I hope this isn't awkward for you. Sorry, she's so sexy. Your husband fancies the puppet. And I was going, you know, I kind of thought, shit awkward for you sorry she's so sexy your husband fancies

the puppet and I was going yeah I thought I kind of thought shit I'm going to have to go through with this this is that they were a lovely

bunch of people really cool but mental and like a lot of in the good sense of the word you know just like

they were just I think a lot of puppeteers are that kind of party animal kind of crazy people and they were really funny and really good fun and you kind of felt oh yeah actually they probably do funny and really good fun. And you kind of felt, oh yeah, actually,

they probably do all just have sex with each other, dress as the puppets once the cameras stop rolling, maybe when the cameras are still rolling. So they were great. I loved meeting them. I saw a 70s, a video, a 70s sort of documentary of the Muppet Show. And all the people doing the puppeteering

just look like they're on acid. Yeah, they definitely are. I mean, I think, you know, the Baby Jake people are probably on acid or they are trying to pretend. They're saying, what would it be like if we were on acid? Or were once, yeah. Or let's get any of the parents that are on acid at 6 o'clock in the morning. Let's screw them.

So, yeah. So it's just the ones that leave you kind of haunted. And I used to watch CBeebies, like, when I was, before I had kids, when I was drinking way too much I'd wake up at five o'clock in the morning and end up watching Big Cook Little Cook and became quite obsessed with Big Cook Little Cook as an adult but again it was quite trippy and then you start and when and the repetitive nature of it when you're hung over and out your head off your head it's sort of just it's sort of a bit mind-blowing and I started thinking about it a bit too much

and apparently they show it to the gorillas at Longleat. They watch kids' TV because they like the colours and stuff like that. Really? So I think it's... I was in that primal state. I wonder how they feel about Rebecca. I'm sure they like her. If she was a bit hairier, I think they'd like her.

Yeah. If she's not quite hairy enough for the gorillas, I would guess. Yeah, so... But that's for me. I don't want her any hairier than she is. She's hairy enough. She's a mammal and has some hair. And I'm happy with the amount of hair

that I imagine is on. The amount of hair I've seen is very nice. I... Okay, I think these are great choices. So Bing, Baby Jake, the people from Moon and Me. But obviously, not giving the caveat that CBeebies

have some very redeeming programmes. Yeah. Number Blocks. Yeah. I love has some very redeeming programmes. Yeah. Number Blocks. Yeah. I love the songs from Number Blocks. Yeah, no. I think they're well put together. It's very good and my daughter loves it and it's really helped her to learn to be interested in numbers and count.

Yeah. Can I add Tree Food Tom into this? Yeah, well, I'm interested in Tree Food Tom. Would you not like him to Tree Food Tom? I think Tree Food Tom should go on the island. Yeah, I mean, maybe. Again, he's one where you think oh well at least

when he grows up they won't be able to do it anymore but of course he's only the actual real Trifu Tom is only in their own times I believe

that it's voiced by the woman who played Ace in Doctor Who I think Trifu Tom Sophie I can't think of her last name

I might be wrong about that but that is a little bit of information that's popped into my head so it's voiced by an adult, so they're covered. And yeah, but again,

I quite like it because my daughter does and did really like doing that and joining. And doing the... Doing the thing. And she does join in with it, so I kind of don't mind it. But yeah, it's a trippy idea. They all shout their names in the opening titles

and I can never hear what any of the names are. And every time I watch it, I'm trying to work out what they're saying. Slug stick, something like that. Yeah, something like that.

But yeah, they're not, they're not. There's lots of good things on there. Yeah. And there's some scary things. It's just the ones that haunt you at night.

But it's not, the Wiggles, I sort of, I mean, I'm fascinated by the Wiggles and I'm quite fascinated by Emma Wiggle in a similar way to Rebecca. Yeah. So I will put the Wiggles, I sort of, I mean, I'm fascinated by the Wiggles and I'm quite fascinated by Emma Wiggle in a similar way to Rebecca. So I will put the Wiggles on quite a bit because I'm kind of fascinated by her. She's very tiny.

Yes. And she's kind of strange looking but lovely. Yeah. And then there's a whole backstory with them that they're, Lockie and Emma were in a relationship and then got married and they're now getting divorced but they're still in the Wiggles together. And I like to try and imagine what stage of their relationship they're in

in the episode I'm watching. But the songs in that have permeated my brain. Oh, absolutely. So I'd quite like to get rid of the Wiggles just because I was at a point when I was waking up in the middle of the night and just the music was playing in my head. It's unbelievable.

Yeah, I get the same. And I just couldn't get it out of there at all. And then you'll be driving in the car on the night and just the music was playing in my head. It's unbelievable. Yeah, I get the same. And I just couldn't get it out of there at all. And then you'll be driving in the car on your own or something and it's just like, I've just got the songs

from Number Blocks etched into my mind. So yeah, so those things are when the ones that, I can see the one that I can't, Molly and Mac

or Mac and Me or whatever it's called. Mac and Me is a different thing, isn't it? Is it Molly and Mac? Yeah, Molly and Mac. Molly and Mac, yeah.

I really like those songs and I don't mind that they, or not, but it's because I love doing a terrible Scottish accent. Yes. So I love singing those in terrible Scottish accents.

But that little girl in that, it's a brilliant actor. Yes. Actually very good actors in all of that show. She's brilliant. When she sings those songs, you go, wow,

look at the facial expressions this girl's got and what she's bringing to this. She's going to be a big star, Molly. But whoever wrote the music for it is also great. It's a crazy, crazy... I think there's a podcast in you watching each thing on CBeebies

and reacting to it. But that's all. I realised the other day when I watched Directional TV because the football was on. And I'm not into football. That's the second time I mention this. But it was the England game. And then I watched Terrestrial TV because the football was on yes and I'm not into football that's the second time I mention this but it was the England game and then I ended up watching the ITV News

which I realised I hadn't seen for 20 years and it's completely changed in its whole tone and it's like a bloke in the pub just going oh what the

what's fucking Donald Tom been up to now what a prick it was literally like that and almost to the word and that just blew my mind but I realised how little I watched terrestrial TV,

and the only thing I watch on terrestrial TV is CBeebies. CBeebies, yeah. So, yeah, but the adult programmes I watch, we just watch, obviously, like everyone does now, just stream things that we want to see. Okay, so certain characters from CBeebies are going to be your first choice. Thank you very much, Richard.

And who's going to be your second choice? Well, my second choice, I don't want to go too much down the line. Because obviously with this format, you must get a lot of the same people coming up, which may be your second choice? Well my second choice I don't want to go too much down the line. There's obviously with this format you must get a lot of the same people coming up which maybe my final choice will be but I don't think anyone else would have chosen this guy but it was a caller to the Jeremy Vine show about five years

ago and he sort of just symbolises what's wrong in the country and the world I think really but it was just an old man who was ringing up Jeremy Vine about recycling. And that was the discussion. And he was just saying how it was ridiculous

that anyone was recycling. And the comment I remember was something along the lines of, you know, if you told me I have to wash my rubbish, you'd be locked away. You know, this is crazy that you have to wash your rubbish. They'd send me to the loony bin basically for washing my rubbish. Yeah, but not if it's going to save the world. It's not mad if it's actually going to help save the world.

So just that attitude that the idea of recycling or caring about the environment or worrying about the world coming to an end, you know, just that attitude of, yeah, this is stupid. of recycling or caring about the environment or worrying about the world coming to an end. Oh, God, yeah. You know, just that attitude of, yeah, this is all stupid. From my position of complete ignorance, I'm going to just say, screw what experts say, screw what everyone's saying. It's crazy if you're washing your rubbish.

If you told me I'm going to wash my rubbish, you'd be locked away. And, you know, just someone who isn't even prepared. On the off chance, you know, even if isn't even prepared on the off chance it's not you know even if it's wrong you don't lose much by cleaning up

a tin and then putting it in a recycling bin and I think that just sort of I mean you know a lot you could have picked

many other people other than this one presumably now hopefully dead man I mean that's the only thing he will well just you know he was old and doesn't want to change his ways hopefully dead man. I mean, that's the only thing he will... Well, just, you know, he was old and doesn't want to change his ways.

But there's that attitude of not, of just deciding that, you know, 97% of experts on any subject are just wrong. Yeah. And just your common sense or your feeling that something's crazy, so I'm not going to do it. Or your fear, you know, just like, oh, things are never going to go wrong,

things are going to carry on. I think that kind of attitude towards the environment that people aren't even prepared to make those most basic changes. And going on TV and saying it's problematic. Yeah, it was the radio, but yeah. But also, you know, anyone, the people in charge. So Donald Trump not caring about it. I sort of feel there should be feel we should make an art exhibition,

statues of all the climate change deniers that we put on top of, at the bottom of somewhere that will flood if they are wrong. And if they're right, they can be heralded as geniuses for getting right. And if they're wrong, they get flooded underneath the, you know,

because I sort of wonder whether they're a lot of these people kind of care about how they're going to be viewed. I sort of wonder whether some world leaders have now realised there is going to be no history so it doesn't matter how they're viewed by history because there will be no one to

record history because we'll all be dead. I just don't, you know, even people who people who are worried, someone like Donald Trump who wants to make money and wants business to make money, it's that short-sightedness of going, but yeah, if you're interested in making money,

you make money now, but then if the world doesn't exist or if the world's underwater, then What are you going to do with it? What are you going to do with it and how are people money then you know it's that short you would think business would be going we should really plan ahead because we kind of want this thing to keep going yes for 100 years we don't just get make some money now and then money becomes worthless and we are dead and our children and grandchildren are dead um so it's sort of weird to me that people aren't

taking it more seriously but you know i think it's also true that we know that it's it's sort of weird to me that people aren't taking it more seriously. But I think it's also true that most of us are. I mean, I used to do a routine about how the fact that leaving your TV on standby across the world, that creates so much energy. And if everyone just turned off their TV at the plug at night, then that would help. But that would involve getting up out of your seat, walking three paces across the room, bending over and pressing a button like in Victorian times. It's not reasonable to expect to do that. So, you know, and the idea that in 50 years,

that time the world's underwater and the kids are going, you can't have known what would happen if you hadn't turned off your TV. You go, oh, no, no, we did know. Yeah, we did know. You have to remember from our point of view the walking across, it's like six steps a day. Yeah, yeah.

So, you know, I think we're all guilty of it and we're all kind of guilty of burying our heads in the sand and it sort of seems like it's coming home to roost already. You know,

there's the reports today were saying like that we're 10 years ahead of where they thought we'd be. I know. I've seen awful graphs that show how much we've dropped off in the past 100 years, and it's terrifying.

It probably is too late. It might be too late. Fuck it. Don't wash your rubbish. That guy is a hero. Just leave your TV on. Just turn the sound off overnight. It probably doesn't make any difference,

but it's just that. I don't know. It's just that attitude of superiority that gets to me that you know oh global if this is what if this is the weather we get with global warming

who cares you're going to go fucking hell the summers are crazy though and you just think Jesus like people might start coming here on holiday

on these days like this well you know people might just start coming here because there's nowhere else to live I think the UK will kind of be alright

but you know if people don't like immigrants are going to be a little bit unhappy when everyone in the world has to come and live here okay so that mad guy I think the UK will kind of be all right, but, you know, people who don't like immigrants are going to be a little bit unhappy when everyone in the world has to come and live here. Okay, so that mad guy on the Jeremy Vine show is an umbrella for people. Yeah, but, you know, also I wouldn't like to be on a desert island with him,

you know, because, A, he probably wouldn't be much help, but also he'd just be annoying to have to listen to his other views. I think I can extrapolate from that one view. I don't think he'd talk about recycling all that much. No, yeah. But the other things he would talk about. Yes. I mean, he presumably would hate himself

for being on a desert island that he wasn't from. He's come over here, living on someone else's desert island. Man Friday would come and go, what are you living here? This is my land. Yeah. So he would have to hate himself

for being an immigrant, I suppose. But that's only a guess. I'm only guessing. Just a guess. Maybe that is his view on the situation. Okay. So that guy is going to be a second choice. Thank you very much, Richard.

And who's going to be a third choice? A third choice is maybe one you might have had before, a more pretty one is Michael Gove. Yes, okay. But only because I've had, like I realised, I was just thinking about, I've had a lot of intersections in my life with his life.

Okay. And so I've had a lot of opportunities to rid the world of Michael Gove. Have you? Yeah, I mean, so, you know, if I was an evil person, but also just, it's weird how our lives have slightly intersected

at different points. Right. And I think he's just, knowing a bit about his backstory, I just feel he's not somebody who should be anywhere near being in charge of the world. Because a lot of the people who are in government at the moment were at university at the same time as I was, the same university as I was.

And I don't remember anything. They didn't mix in the same circles. But I've talked about this in my podcast, where the comedy club we did when I was at Oxford University, and the comedy club we did was downstairs in a tiny little cellar in the Oxford Union, which is where all the debaters and the politicians went, and it was quite a posh club. I think it was something like, you know, say, £80 a term

or a year or something you had to pay, but that was beyond the scope of anything I could afford. So, you know, I was sort of vaguely interested in the idea of being at the Oxford Union, but I couldn't afford to go. But the comedy club, we were allowed in to do that. We were in this cellar, almost beneath the debating chamber, where Boris Johnson and David Cameron

and Michael Gove were debating. And I don't remember anything, but I remember Michael Gove, because he became president of the Oxford Union, I think, and there was all the photos up in the hall as you went through, and he was sitting there in a kilt, sort of smiling, this kind of gormless.

He looked exactly the same. You know, he looked middle-aged as a 20-year-old. Yeah. And I just thought that, you know, it's fine, of course, to wear a kilt, and Michael Gove is, I think, technically Scottish, but it just felt like affectation. Yeah, for sure.

And, you know, I don't think he's, I don't think any Scottish people would particularly want to claim him. No, I don't think he's, I think even, I don't think any Scottish people would particularly want to claim him. No, I don't think you're right. I don't think any Scottish people will be offended by me saying him wearing a kilt made me think he was a massive prick. And so that one, you know, and if you'd said to me then, oh, by the way, that guy will nearly be prime minister,

but will, you know, be, will be, you know, and all the things that that group of eaten idiots have done to the country. And, you know, I sort of feel there's a drama or a TV series or something in this idea of downstairs in this cellar. You've got Armando Iannucci, Stuart Lee, Richard Herring, Al Murray, lots of people down there who went on to kind of change the comedy world. As many of those people, I'm not including myself in that that uh and upstairs all these people who would kind of wreck the well and give them lots of material to do that so it's this odd is this odd kind of conjunction um but then one of my first jobs out of university was working on um a program called a stab in the dark and we'd been brought me and stew had been brought in, I guess we might have been

working on the ad by then but we'd been brought in to, they'd done a couple of episodes and it wasn't going very well it was like an attempt to do a sort of political stand-up-ish show but it was basically, David Baddiel was one of the hosts which made some sort of sense

Tracy McLeod who was kind of arts correspondent and journalist. And Michael Gove was this other guy who was the... And thankfully, we didn't have to work with Michael Gove or interact with Michael Gove. But we were... Excuse me, me and Stuart were writing for Tracy McLeod, which was an enjoyable experience.

And it was an amazing thing because we got this job that suddenly... We'd been working for two or three years and I had not been making any money and then suddenly I was getting TV money for writing these

you know helping write these monologues for Tracy McLeod and I have a feeling it was something like 700 pounds a week and honestly that was just

a mind blowing I mean hey I could have joined the Oxford Union if I could have gone back but like it was a mind blowing amount of money so it was it was insane so I earned have joined the Oxford Union if I could have gone back but like it was a mind blowing amount of money so it was

it was insane so I earned more in the six seven weeks we worked on that show than I would have done easily in the previous two years I mean by far

so it was it was a great job for us and it was great to get it but we knew straight away we'd been brought in

it was obvious it was this terrible show where the producers they were aiming for controversy but not really understanding how to get it. But Michael Gove was in that. And, you know, again, if you'd seen it,

so we saw him from a distance. I seem to remember he was quite, he farted quite a lot. That was the story. That was the rumour about him. I don't know about that. But he was, you know, he was that kind of... Yeah, he looks like he's going off farting all the time. Yeah, and I don't want to judge him by his appearance, but he's got this kind but he was you know he was that kind of he's yeah he looks like he's going off and I don't want to judge him by his appearance

but he's got this kind of damp yeah you know dry but damp lips yeah I mean imagine him bearing down on you

for a kiss it's not you know I feel very sorry for his wife if his wife wasn't so awful yeah but he kind of looks like

a potato made of ham yeah so he's you know I'm sure he's a love now he's not a nice fella he's not so he just he was a. Yeah. So, you know, I'm sure he's a love now. He's not a nice fella. He's not. So it just, he was a journalist then.

And it just, you know, and again, he's seen middle-aged. And he must have been 25 or 26 or something. And he did the things that he did. I mean, if they came out again, I don't think really it made much of an impact. I think I've seen one thing online where he's, I can't even quite remember the details of anything he did. But if they were to come out, he was always trying to be controversial

and the things he said were horrible. But I guess no horrible than the stuff he actually says in his politics now. So again, I saw him there and then the idea of that guy going on to, out of any of them, David Baddiel would be a much better politician. I know he would not be a good politician,

but he'd be a much better politician. Tracy McLeod would be a great person to rule the country but what Michael Gove to go on to be a politician and then I haven't had many much dealings with him but I did I was before I moved out the countryside I've lived in Shepherd's Bush and I was in the Westville my wife drinking a beer at tapas bar so vote in the open plan thing and Michael Gove just walked past with his kids. And this was, he was in the government. And there was just nobody protecting him or anything around him.

And it was sort of around, I think it was just probably pre the Brexit vote. Maybe it was just post it. But, you know, I had a bottle of beer. I just thought, God, if I could have just gone over and smashed him over the head. Maybe there were men waiting with sniper rifles to take out anyone who attacked him. But it's just one of those things, if there's something I could have done,

and I'm joking about physical harm or whatever, because it's not funny, obviously, in reality. What if you persuaded him into a life of comedy? Yeah, exactly. Well, if only we could have done something. But I just think out of all the people that could have done the job he's doing, those people and those people from that university,

and they were the worst people at university. And it was a weird thing for me. I didn't go to a public school, and then I went to a comprehensive school, and I got into Oxford, and it was a big deal. And all the time I felt, you know, I'm going to get discovered and found out and chucked out. And all the time I was just doing comedy.

I wanted to go there to do comedy. And then in the end, that's all I really did when I was there. But, you know, I moved in very different circles and I was very intimidated by the confidence of those guys, of those public school, not just, not them specifically, but those type of people. But then in the end you realise, you know, I ended up, I ended up getting quite a good degree

and I didn't really do any work and I think if I'd known I could have got that degree I would have worked hard and got that same degree I don't think I'd have gone up any because I just thought if I knew I could have done it I just thought oh it's a mistake they're going to get found out and I'm not as clever as all these people

and then I realised I was as clever as all these people and they were just stupidly confident because they'd been to public school, because they'd been to Eton, and this had all been brought into them. And they're not the people we want ruling the country. And the fact that somehow Michael Gove has managed to convince anyone that he's a man of the people or that he cares about people who live in Sunderland. It's just insane. He's not a nice person.

No. And he's not a good politician. He's not a good person. I guess I'd like him to be on the desert island with me because that would mean he wouldn't be here. Yeah. If I'm on a desert island anyway. Yeah.

And then maybe I could cook and eat him. Yeah. I mean, he would be piggy if it was Lord of the Flies, so i i you know i don't it's very well these things thinking i'm not a particularly negative person a lot of these things where you're asking me to think i know you're not yeah thinking of i mean it's fun to be comedic about people but i don't really hate anyone you know i don't really hate many people. When I came down to it, I just thought, out of everyone, and barring just the really obvious candidates in politics,

I was on this week, on the same week as Nigel Farage was on, and I was in the same room as him. And at one point, after midnight, walking down a dark corridor behind him with just the two of us there, again, thinking this is sort of weird that you have this position. But you know, so if that,

I'm not saying Nigel Farage is like Hitler, but if you'd been in a position where in 1932 you'd been walking down a corridor with Hitler and you'd crocked him over the head, I mean you'd just be in prison and no one would care, but you could have stopped all of that happening. You could have changed history.

Maybe that was your moment. Yeah, exactly. So you sort of think, at the end of my life, am I going to look back and say, ah, that tapas bar, maybe I should have just left my wife and children without a father or father in prison so that I could change history. Would it have changed history?

Would the world be better or worse without Michael Gove in it? I don't know. It's just sort of weird the way that those... It's weird. It feels like our lives have intersected without even crossing over, really. Yes. And so there's something about him that...

Did you ever find yourself next to him having a conversation in a bar or anything? No, I don't think I've ever... I'm not sure I've ever spoken to him. Maybe when we did Stab in the Dark. You crossed paths. Maybe, but I don't know if we did. We were sort of kept so separate.

And I'm glad, because it was actually. We were sort of kept so separate. I'm glad because it was actually an enjoyable experience because Tracy was so lovely. Yes. But everyone else in that programme,

I mean David was lovely as well, but all the production team were such dicks. There was a guy called, I won't say his name,

but there was a guy who was a producer who we used his surname as a shorthand for not understanding a joke, basically, for about five or six years afterwards. Because we did a joke about 15-year-old Stephen Hendry for some reason. And he went, oh, I think Stephen Hendry's actually 27 years old. Yeah, no, we were making a joke about the fact that he looks like a teenager.

So it was that sort of complete misunderstanding of comedy. So that became a... Doing a... Whatever his surname. I can't remember. I absolutely can't remember. And he wasn't an unpleasant person. Okay, yeah.

So I won't say his name. And there was a guy called... What was his name? There was a guy who became quite a famous novelist, Fisher, T. Borr Fisher, who was also a researcher on that show. So it was sort of an interesting, it was a very interesting job.

It was amazing to kind of get into the TV world. But yeah, Michael Gove was a ghostly, weird, stinking, he was like a human fart. Yeah. That has permeated through my life and then the fart has got worse and worse and now the fart has spread throughout the whole country. I looked at, yeah, I was having a look earlier there i think they sort of created a job

to just keep him in politics a couple months ago which like they changed the role and made him that role yeah well it's interesting because obviously like he's and even cameron was talking about this but you know the way that him and boris johnson uh just betrayed the the the themselves you know just betrayed the country, the Conservative Party, then they betrayed each other, or Gove betrayed Johnson. So I quite like the fact that Johnson, if out of anything,

just because Gove is now forced to come into this underling position. Yeah. I'm not delighted that Boris Johnson is the prime minister, I have to say. But the fact that Michael Gove has had to kind of, you know, take that hit,

that he betrayed Boris Johnson and now Boris Johnson sort of has to give him a job and he's given him a job when the position went, oh, now. This could be pretty awkward. You know, so it's, you know, he sort of deserves that fate.

But then, you know, you just don't know with politics. I mean, I remember a year ago, even less than that, maybe the papers were just saying, that's it, Boris Johnson's blown it. He'll never be prime minister now because of one of his many gaffes. And so, you know. And here he is.

Yeah, OK. Michael Gove. Yeah. It's going to be your third choice. Thank you very much, Richard. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lips and Ads. Thank you very much, Richard. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad. Reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lipson Ads.

Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements, or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to LipsonAds.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N-Ads.com. Now, mercifully, among the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favourite food and drink in the world. What are they and why are they so bad?

This was very difficult. I really like food. Me too. I really like everything. Kind of more or less like everything. And we'll give everything a go. I was very, very fussy as a child. Oh, man.

And then I became, and like right up until like being 18 or 19, and then I became a vegetarian for about 12, 15 years, something like 12 plus years. And then I was sort of forced to eat vegetables and stuff as a result of that move. And so my palate increased a lot. And then I went back to eating everything when I was about 30. And so now I just, you know, I eat everything.

And if I'm eating meat, I sort of still feel like I should. And I'd still stay meat-free for several meals. But if I'm eating meat, I feel like I should appreciate the animal. And it's sacrifice and make the most of it. And so I enjoy eating everything. There's one thing that I hated as a child, and I have had it as an adult, and I don't think it's as bad as I thought it was,

and I'm not sure I ever even ate it as a child. I just hated it from the appearance and the smell and maybe the feeling, the texture. I'm not even sure I ate it, but jarred beetroot was the thing that I just had a massive, almost phobia of. And I'm sure I have eaten it subsequently. And actually, non-jarred beetroot, you sometimes get beetroot in fancy restaurants.

They make something like dish-out beetroot and fresh beetroot. And yeah, that's nice. Yeah, sure. And I love pickled things. Me too. I'm a massive fan of pickled onions and all that sort of pickle. But there's something about the texture, the colour, the smell of jarred beetroot. I could eat it, I think, but I'm not sure. And I think I might like it.

It's a bit vinegary, but too sweet and much more mushy than a beetroot. I don't know, you know, but it was like, so there's that, the residual nature of that phobia I had about it that was based, I think, on colour and smell and rather than, maybe I ate it at some point. Yeah,

okay. But, it still lingers. So there's, and there's, it's only things that like have made me sick that I think that have that similar thing. I've never been sick on beach with it.

Imagine if you had been. What a vomit that would be. That purple vomit coming up. Oh, no. I think I was once sick after creme caramel. But again, I suppose it's like the, and I love caramel with that kind of gelatinous. I don't really like anything with that kind of.

I can taste the texture now. Yeah, that sort of thing. And I once was really badly sick after eating mackerel. But I don't think it was sick after eating mackerel. But I don't think it was necessarily even the mackerel. It was just like a big chunk of mackerel. And I like mackerel and I like oily fish, but it took me a while. And I'm feeling a bit sick now.

Yeah, thinking about it. But it took me a while to even go back to being able to eat anything like that just because it was the last thing I ate before I was sick. And I'm pretty sure it was something else that had given me food poisoning. But it's got to be bad. If it's even just the thought of having jar of beetroot is going to put you off. But if you put a jar of beetroot and said eat some of that,

that would be the one thing that I would struggle. Whereas I can eat, and I'll try to eat quite disgusting things to see how they go. I mean, as a kid, I was talking to my wife about this, I used to eat, because we were talking about jelly, I used to eat jelly cubes, which I think are undiluted, which I think a lot of kids did, just as a snack. Yeah. But I used to eat Oxo cubes.

No. And I loved Oxo cubes. I ate one recently on a radio show to see whether I would still like it. I mean, it's not a nightmare. It's salty. For a fussy child, it was an incredibly intense thing to eat. Yeah. It's like a savoury sweet, I suppose.

It's like so salty and so beefy. But, yeah, I used to, yeah, I'm not, you know, because it used to be in silver packs. Is it things in tiny squares? Yeah, maybe it's like the space food element of it, but I just love eating stuff like that. So, you know, I'll take on... If I'm abroad, I'll always try and eat

the local thing. Certainly the meat of any animal that I've never eaten before I will have a go at. Just to know. Of all the pickled jarred things, jarred beetroot is pretty rank. And what's going to be your drink choice?

Well, it's not all of them, and again, I find it very difficult to think of a drink I don't like. There's some teas that I kind of find, there's kind of more chai teas I find quite difficult to get into, but I'd give them a crack. Yeah. I gave up drinking this year, so far, I've not had a drink all year, so far.

Oh, wow, how's that going? Good, actually, yeah. And it wasn't like a deliberate choice. Well, I was just trying to lose some weight, thought i'll cut down on i was drinking every day at home once the kids were in bed and not a huge amount but just like i was it was every day yeah that's what i was i hardly ever got hung over but it was just a little bit debilitating i just thought is this healthy thing to do and i was i got quite fat and i thought well and i was drinking a bit more beer because i was drinking whiskey,

which it doesn't really make me fat. So that's not such a, and I kind of quite miss whiskey actually. I miss a whiskey at the end of the day. But then I just thought that I'll give up to lose a bit of weight. And then I realized I hadn't drunk anything and it was the middle of January

and I didn't want, I thought, well, I'll carry on not drinking. And then I thought, I don't want to be, I don't want to look like I was just doing dry January. So I thought I'll carry on for a bit. And then once it got a while in, the good thing about it was, I mean, yeah, I lost some weight, but I was doing other stuff as well. So I've lost a couple of stone this year.

So that says a lot. But I've stopped eating chocolate as well. Okay, that does help, yeah. And I've done a bit more exercise. But the real difference is I no longer wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning full of existential dread, which I was doing quite a lot, and I didn't really put it down to the drink, I have to say. I just thought, oh, I've got this weird thing

where I wake up in this sort of nameless panic that it takes three hours to leave my system, and then if I'm lucky, I can get back to sleep again, but then obviously the kids are just about to wake up, so it was debilitating my life. Oh, yeah, I've been my life and I still wake up at three o'clock for a wee usually

and if I've eaten late I still feel a bit weird but I don't and no longer have that and I've spoken to a few people and they have confirmed that that happens to them

and if they haven't drunk it doesn't happen to them so I think that's enough scientific evidence to suggest you're convincing me here to knock it on the head for a bit. So just not having that

is enough to make me think I'm not sure I want to go back. The last night, well over this weekend, on Saturday night, we had a big comedy gig in our village and everyone was really pissed.

Yeah. And then they brought out like a bottle of champagne or something. I thought, oh, it'd be quite nice to just have a little celebration of champagne

but that's one of the first times it's did you not? I didn't did you not? did it take a lot of willpower? it didn't just because I've done it

I've got so close to the end of the year now that it sort of feels like crazy to just have a drink but I might not go I'm still thinking I'll definitely go to the end of the year

almost definitely maybe next year I'll just drink all the time but I might just carry i might i might just knock out there because i feel so much better but so the drink to get long yes yeah that i have not enjoyed this year that i thought might i might enjoy uh is not all but some many non-alcoholic beers yes uh and i've had one that was actually quite good in Edinburgh that I actually thought, is this actually a beer? It was that good?

It was good and I just wondered, is there just a little bit of alcohol in there or something? I can't remember, it was at a restaurant and I just... Oh, okay. But it was really frothy and maybe it was just the timing was exactly right. But my father-in-law doesn't drink and he drinks the beer so I bought him some.

And then when we're on holiday, I sort of miss drinking a beer on holiday. So I'll drink one of his non-alcoholic beers to see if that's the same. And I think there's just no point in drinking beer. You might as well have something tasty. Well, because also it's mainly for the calories. And I know our non-alcoholic beer is not as calorific as beer with alcohol in it because the alcohol is the calorific thing. But it's still 100 calories or something.

And if I'm going to have 100 calories, I'll have something that's really nice. You might as well have a bottle of Coca-Cola or something nice. So it's just, I think, just for the disappointment of it nearly being the thing that I liked. And that's the thing with drinking. One beer can be often just the nicest thing. And the problem with beer is you have one and then you want another. Oh, of course, yeah.

And then you get two sort of all right and you hit this nice level of, ooh, I'm feeling quite chilled. And then you have six more and then you're bilious and sick. And then when your kids wake up, you're just sweating. And you wake up in the middle of the night panicking.

So, you know, I'm sort of glad in a way that non-African alcoholic beer isn't the same. But it's also a drink that I wouldn't, you know, if that came down, that was all there was to drink on the desert island. Just bottles of sadness everywhere. So, you know, I think, like, I suppose if you're at a barbecue and you want to...

The annoying thing about not drinking is you'll get into lots of conversations about not drinking. Not drinking, yeah. And I'm not bothered. Unless you bring it up, of course. I'm joking. But, you know, that's it. But so, like at a barbecue, people will ask you about that.

So I guess if you're holding a beer. But you can just have tonic water and it looks like a gin and tonic. Exactly, yeah. Or seed lip and tonic, which isn't too. But that I don't mind. And actually, I've started drinking. I've realised that if I get to the six, seven o'clock and feel like, oh, God, you know like I just need to relax, I'll just have a tonic water with some ice in it and it's basically

you basically think you've had a gin and tonic and again sometimes you think I have had a gin, I got one in the pub and I drank it and I thought I gave it to my wife and she said oh no my wife is still very much drinking and knows the taste of alcohol

so yes I think they probably have that use, but then someone might go, what? It's not alcoholic beer. What's wrong with you, mate? Yeah. So it's, yeah. Your wife couldn't give up drinking, right? She does drunk women podcast.

She does, yeah. Yeah. And also is, you know, loves drinking. She can give up drinking regardless due to having a huge problem with alcohol I think she's so it's not a big deal she still drinks and she usually drinks at home

when I'm not drinking so it's fine alcohol free beer thank you very much Richard now fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island the Plains Entertainment System continues to work but just your luck it only has two

working settings one is your least favourite film of all time and the other is your least favourite song what are they and why? Well my least favourite film I mean it's

it's a film that I'm obsessed with so it's sort of like I've watched it a lot and so it's sort of weird I mean there's a lot of films like this and I do

I sort of enjoy bad films more than good films now, because I don't think there are very many good films, and I don't have the patience for really good films. So I end up watching a lot of Adam Sandler films, which I talk a lot about in my podcast, and many of those could have been the option. But I think the original and best worst film for me was Sliding Doors,

which I am sort of obsessed with, because I'm very interested in that sort of alternate universe time travel style of entertainment. But the fact that nearly everyone gets it very wrong. So Goodnight Sweetheart is another thing I talk about a lot. Just the logistics of it and the logic of it are really important to me. If you're going to do it, which is impossible and it's not going to happen, no one's going to travel back through time,

no one's going to divide into two times. Well, unless there are multiple universes, in which case they may. But Sliding Doors sort of just so misunderstands what alternate universes are about. And also, every film with Sliding Doors, they just don't show you the other option. You know, I mean, every film has a moment where someone has to make a choice

and that leads to consequences. And part of it leading to consequences is the fact that it could have led to other consequences. And you subconsciously make that decision. Every moment in your life is sliding doors.

It doesn't have to be a big thing. Me choosing sliding doors as opposed to choosing Adam Sandler as a cobbler has completely changed the entire universe. Right. And that's the other thing in that a lot of these films, they think the world runs like a cartoon or like a mechanism that you're the center of and that nothing else will change. But you're like if you change your life.

So in Sliding Doors, everyone else's life should change as well, john hannis because he's on the tube yes for one version so he shouldn't turn up at the bar at the same time as he does because his life has already changed because she's on the tube and she's he's interact he's directly interacted with her but even if you're not directly interacting with the person and that changes your life you've interacted with different people on their interaction it just it's a snowball effect yeah so every single second there's an infinite number of things that could happen uh and no way would would five ten minutes later uh an hour later an evening later everything be the same apart from your life right nothing would be the same certainly within your peripheral and within a couple of days we think about something like 9-11 it changed everybody's life in the world pretty much

instantaneously. Maybe some people in a jungle somewhere, the waves took a little while to get there, but it still changed their lives. But, you know, absolutely, if that hadn't happened, everyone's life would be completely different. And that idea of going back and killing Hitler, if you went back and killed Hitler as a baby or Michael Gove as a baby, but if you did Hitler as a baby, then you would actually be wiping out everyone who is alive today, basically, because everything would be different. There would be different people alive. There would be different sexual relationships.

Different things would be happening. For you to exist, your parents have to have sex at the exact right moment and the right sperm had to get through. The chances of that happening are tiny, right? So even just from the ejaculation, I don't want to make you think of your dad ejaculating at your mum, but I'm going to do it.

So, you know, like a millisecond of difference would mean you're not here and it's a different person. So if all those people didn't die because of Hitler or just their lives weren't disrupted by Hitler, then no one would be alive. So you would save loads of people's lives, but you would also make other people non-existent.

So you're murdering loads of people as well at the same time. So you're worse than Hitler if you go and kill Hitler because you've killed all the people who are alive today. Whereas at least Hitler only killed a proportion of the people who were alive. The way you're explaining this right now, my heart rate has gone up and my hands are starting to sweat. So alternate universes are really fascinating. So sliding doors is such a fucking lame version of it.

And the main problem with Sliding Doors, I mean, there's so many. I'll start with this one. It's not even the sliding doors that are the thing that changes. If you watch the film, Gwyneth Paltrow is running down some steps and in one reality, a girl, I think, drops a doll and gets in her way

so she has to stop and then she misses the train and in one she doesn't drop the doll and Gwyneth Paltrow goes past her and gets the train so the film should be called

Girl Dropping or Not Dropping a Doll that is the thing that changed it it's nothing to do that's the moment it's a girl dropping or not dropping a girl

moment isn't it that's what we would say now if they'd called that film correctly. How many times have we watched this film? A lot, a lot of times. And also just the fact that John Hanna manages to pull

Gwyneth Paltrow by quoting Monty Python is insane. I've been that man, sitting in a bar, just quoting Monty Python. That is not a sexually attractive thing. You do not pull Hollywood film stars by doing the Spanish Inquisition quite badly. They're not going to be saying,

oh, you're going, why don't you do your own stuff, mate? Try and impress me with some of your own material. What are you talking about? And, you know, it doesn't make any sense. It's sort of there's this idea that the world would sort of be the same regardless which is also wrong so you know the way

the world is so random and so if you give the idea that things are fated or that there's one person you're meant to be with and you'll find them

regardless it's not true the person you're with you might fall in love with someone I'm delighted I met my wife when I met my wife

but you know if I'd met her at a different time or there's so many factors that mean it wouldn't have worked and I could easily, equally have met somebody else and have a completely different family

so it's that idea that, I mean it's sort of weird because she dies and the spoiler alert, I don't know, the film has already been spoiled by Joey from Bread directing it, but she dies in one timeline I think it's the timeline where she's with

the guy, it's the timeline where she hasn't figured out that her terrible boyfriend is cheating on her or maybe, I can't remember what it is but she dies in one and then in the other one she sort of meets John Hanna in the hospital and somehow him quoting something from the other reality permeates through and...

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. So, you know, it doesn't make any sense and it's not romantic. And, yeah, there's something sort of... John Hanna is a quite creepy presence in it, I think. He's not a romantic lead for me. No.

And it's that idea that fantasy, just the fantasy idea of a Monty Python quoting bloke. Getting off with Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, Chris Martin maybe, you know, they did get together. Maybe Chris Martin quoted a lot of Monty Python. That might be what

did it to her. But you know, that was the secret. Yes, well, yeah. Please, Chris, let us know. Imagine how many girls I'd have had at school if they were quoting Monty Python. They must have been just intimidated by how good I was at quoting Monty Python at school. Your problem was you had bros at your school.

Okay, so sliding doors. Yeah, sliding doors. And my worst song is the entire canon of one group, which I just consider to be one song. Yeah. Because it's the same song over and over again, and they're kind of semi-respected, and I don't get it,

which is Red Hot Chili Peppers, who I hate. When we used to do a six music show, I wasn't allowed to, they'd often played Red Hot Chili Peppers, and I wasn't allowed to say how bad I thought they were. But I think all their songs, all their songs sound identical.

Yeah. Literally identical. And they're all this. And they're seen as being this cool thing and talk about California. I just can't abide. I can't even get into details about it, about what I don't like about it, because I won't listen to them. But just all their songs sound the same. I don't see why they're respected.

It's like status quo. All their songs sound the same and are quite't see why they're... You know, it's like Status Quo. All their songs sound the same and are quite bad songs, but quite catchy songs. Yes. But no official, you know, no music aficionado is going to go, oh, Status Quo are a great band.

They're going to go, they're not a very good band. And I don't mind them being popular. That's great. People like them. And I understand that. I don't understand how Red Hot Chili Peppers have any degree of critical acclaim

because it just feels to me their Status Quo. If you just play all of their songs on top of each other, it'll all merge because it just feels to me their status quo. If you just play all of their songs on top of each other, it'll all merge because it's exactly the same. Yeah, or just put them in a loop. But it just feels,

and that happens a lot. I mean, it happened with Cotton Eye Joe, the band Cotton Eye Joe. Yeah. They came up with, is that Rednecks? Rednecks, yeah. They came up,

they did Cotton Eye Joe and their next song was called Pig in a Poke, which was exactly the same as Cotton Eye Joe except it was Pig in a Poke. Pig in a Poke. was exactly the same as Cotton Eye Joe except it was Pig in a Poke Pig in a Poke really

more or less and then that's it and then what if you go and listen to that and then people went oh well we don't want any more

Rednecks that's the same they've just done the same song twice but somehow Red Hot Chili Peppers no one's going oh that's the same song

it's just that song every single time. Okay. Anything by Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah, I just would hate to have to listen to that. Yeah, thank you very much. And finally, the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? Right, I think the biggest dick of all the animals is Blondie.

Not the pop group. The Hitler's dog. Yeah. Hitler's dog Blondie. Because he was Hitler's dog. He should have he shouldn't have done that. He should have rebelled against Hitler. He should have known. Dogs have a very good

sense. I don't know. They should have had a good sense of who their master was. That he wasn't a nice person and I should have bitten him. That would be what they could have done. They could have changed history. Actually we'd all be wiped out if Blondie had done that. So thank you Blondie

for allowing me to live by not killing Hitler. Cheers. But I just, I don't, I can't really admire a dog that... I hardly challenge on this podcast but it's just a dog. When you've told me who's the biggest it's just an animal. How can you be a dickish animal? You're just

following instinct. But you can be a dickish animal you're just following instinct but you can be a dickish animal if you're the animal of a bad person of a dick and then you don't I think Hitler was bad and I'm going to

go down that line I don't know if he ever gets picked to go on the island I think he's only ever been picked once I think a lot of people respect and like him

and increasingly his reputation seems to be being restored but I don't like him and I'm always going to be being restored but I don't like him and I'm always going to stand by that so any dog that could willingly

hang around with Hitler and not complain about it not even with a little irony the dog should have pulled the trigger should have dragged him

off a cliff yeah could have nudged him could have nudged him off an alp yeah it could have his little retreat

he was at the Eagles nest where it was called so yes I just think you know there aren't many animals again it was so I was a struggle to think of an animal I know I put you in a position here I'm so I just thought of an evil and an animal that had some evil in it imagine on being on the island as well that dog is gonna be walking around like it owns the place yeah it's gonna think that it's the best fucking thing it's gonna be pining for Hitler where's Hitler my master oh no

awful chuck that dog in the sea Blondie Hitler's dog is going to be animal choice thank you very much Richard thank you so much for coming on the podcast

my pleasure now I'm almost certain that the reason people are listening to this is because you're on here and they know you and listen to your podcast but you have some

amazing guests on the Richard Herring Leicester Square Theatre podcast I was trying to think of a funny name earlier couldn't come up with one but who have you got coming up?

We've sort of got quite a few recorded so coming up we've got Jimmy Cricket coming up which was really good fun Sarah Millican Vic Reeves

is coming up Barry from EastEnders Sean Williamson we did some really good ones last year and then the live ones Reeves is coming up, Barry from EastEnders, Sean Williamson. We did some really good ones last year and then the live ones we've got coming up. Nick Frost is doing

the Richmond Theatre on the 29th of September. I'm hoping we've got Charlie Brooker, Tim Minchin, Sarah Pascoe for the new series in London.

But yeah, we're sort of adding new people all the time. Jade Adams is coming in Bristol and Mark Oliver in Bristol on Sunday with that one it's sold out and let's not plug that one but yeah

but it's you know at Leicester we're doing got Jenny Clare and Grace Petrie in Leicester so it's really great it's sort of slightly more difficult to book it when you're touring because you sort of have to find someone either who's prepared to travel or who lives there already and is available on that date. But in a

way, that throws up some choices that I wouldn't necessarily have thought of getting. Which is great, I think. Yeah, but it's going to be really interesting to do it. And people really seem to want to do it. It's kind of interesting when you get... But right from the start, really,

I didn't know Stephen Fry. I just asked him if he'd do it, and he did it. Amazing. And people are really nice and want to do it Stephen Fry I just asked him if he'd do it and he did it amazing and you know people are really nice and want to do it and I think now because it's gained a certain reputation and because it's

we're doing okay we're not right up there but we're doing okay oh you do come on well there's some really big ones I think you'd be crazy

no such thing as a fish which I was lucky enough to guest on before Edinburgh that gets like a million downloads a week or something it's insane

it's like a lot of so you'd sort of be crazy not to do it but I would want to do it because I would always sit at home going oh I wish I was there because I would say this

so good that was a really lovely one to be I won't tell you what downloads we get you'd think this is a massive waste of your time to be on this podcast

but then that's what I like about podcasts so like you know Stephen Fry didn't need to do my podcast I don't need to do my podcast. I don't need to do your shitty little podcast. But it's nice.

Your little shitty plagiarized podcast. But it's a nice thing to do them. And if you like them, it's also nice to do. But they're a fun thing to do. They're easy to do really as well. And when I started doing podcasts, it was all about just the fun,

the autonomy of doing it. Oh, I love it. And getting out there. It's great, yeah. It wasn't even possible that you could make any money out of it or even get any listeners. So it's just a great way of getting your stuff out there and getting good at what you do. And you'll get good at this. Don't worry. Keep trying.

Keep trying. You'll be okay. You'll get good at it. My master, the podfather himself, speaks. So, yeah. So, you know, it's great that we can, you know, I'm sometimes amazed about who will do it. my master the podfather himself speaks so yeah so you know it's great that we can you know

I'm sometimes amazed about who will do it and then you're trying for someone else and you can't get them but you know yeah but you've had some amazing guests

and if people want to find you on social media where can they find you Herring1967 on Twitter I'm on Instagram but I don't really use it I think I'm called

RKHerring1967 or something like that I can't remember Facebook RKHerring 1967 I can't remember Facebook RK Herring maybe Twitter's my way I mean I think

people are here because they listen to you first so Richardherring.com is my website rahelastuper.co.uk yeah so all the kind of info

and stuff is there but yeah Twitter's my main although I don't you know Twitter's it's just the negative

is starting to overwhelm the positive that I think I do need it but it's just you know you can't I hope you'll tweet

about this podcast what I came up with is the really hard long sexy Tyrannosaur party

okay but the P's got to stand for podcast. Oh, shit. That's the mistake a lot of people make. Though I might, because the LST is the only bit that's changing, but I might change that

just because it's difficult to think of things starting with LST. So the more you have, the easier it gets. I don't know. Thank you very much, Richard. Thank you for having me. Bye.