Desert Island Dicks - ROSIE HOLT

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

Comedian and actor Rosie Holt joins Dan to choose who and what she would hate to be stuck with on a desert island. Be sure to follow the podcast @dickspod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is the sound of your ride home with dad after he caught you vaping. Awkward, isn't it? Most vapes contain seriously addictive levels of nicotine and disappointment. Know the real cost of vapes. Brought to you by the FDA. At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices,

which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. Hi, I'm Dan from Desert Island Dicks. I hope you're all well. I'm well.

My wife and my youngest are not well, so that's a shame. But so far I'm well, so I'm here to tell you all about this episode, which features comedy writer and performer Rosie Holt, who is brilliant. Many of you will no doubt know her from her satirical political videos on Twitter, where she's amassed a huge following, and you know, she's well worth checking out if you've not done so already. She's on tour from March, and she's really funny, as you'll find out during the course of this episode. As we're at the start of a new burst of episodes, we're not going to do them in series anymore, we're just going to keep them coming at you the whole time. it would be really great if you could make sure

to subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode and what would be even more great is if you could leave us a rating and a review from wherever you get your podcast it's a massive help to us so consider it a little christmas gift to us but one that costs nothing and you don't have to wrap or put any thought behind. You've got to admit that's good value. One person left a review saying they thought it was annoying that I pretended to sound drunk or stoned to be cool. This is just my voice. I don't know what to say, really. It's just what I sound like.

Although it would explain a few things that people have said to me over the years. But anyway, we really do appreciate if you leave us a review. So thank you if you do that. This is also going to be the final episode before Christmas. So to all of you that have downloaded it, thank you so much for listening. We really appreciate it. And I hope you all have a Christmas free from dicks, apart from in podcast form like this,

which is hopefully less annoying and more entertaining. Anyway, enough of this introduction. Here's Desert Island Dicks with Rosie Holt. Hi, I'm Dan Benedictus and welcome to Desert Island Dicks, the show that sees you marooned on a desert island after a plane crash with the worst people and worst things imaginable. Who they are and why they're a dick is up to our guest and here to share their Desert Island Dicks with us today is comedy writer and performer Rosie Holt.

How are you? Hello, I'm good, thanks. I'm quite cold. I've got a hot water bottle and three jump Holt. How are you? Hello, I'm good thanks, I'm quite cold. I've got a hot water bottle and three jumpers on. Right, well that's very emblematic of our times isn't it? It is, yeah, it is very sad. Capturing the zeitgeist beautifully. It's the only reason I'm doing it. I'm similarly sort of, yeah can't can't get my temperature right today but i think it's because i'm like a very tiny bit hung over and i always feel like i'm having like a weird yeah it's hard isn't it because it sort of make it makes you that makes you kind of hot maybe that's the way

to get over the cost of living crisis we'll get steaming drunk um because actually you do feel the cold less yeah i find yeah i mean it's got the british through quite a lot of situations hasn't it that approach yeah just just keep drinking see what happens see how it pans out so yeah um okay i mean so we we know about your comfort levels today how are you feeling generally in terms of kind of the world and you know slanging off dicks today i mean are you feeling sort of primed and ready? Yeah, I'm always happy to rant about someone. I'm ready.

I can do it for the good of the podcast, for the good of the people listening. I can do it. Great. Okay, well, as you're so primed and ready, let's not waste any more time. Let's get straight on with it. And who's going to be the first person joining you on the island today uh it's going to be the american actor dax shepherd okay

dax shepherd what is it in particular that uh annoys you about him so he has got this pod cut so he's so if you don't know him he's you probably do know him he keep appears in a lot of films he's kind of tall and uh rangy and blonde and he's married to kristen bell in real life and he has this the reason why i really don't like him he has this podcast called armchair expert where he interviews celebrities and um he it's so irritate he's so irritating he's i mean he really is he's it's just so irritating he basically he interviews people but he he's the worst interviewer in the world because he brings it always always brings it back to himself he'll go so um you struggled with uh alcohol and they'll go yeah no i did he'll go, it's like when I was struggling with alcohol.

And then he'll just go on this big long anecdote about how he got drunk on the plane. And the problem, he just repeats. And, you know, he's had some bad stuff happen to him in his childhood, but he brings it up every time. I mean, I don't listen to this podcast anymore. I don't know why I listened to it quite as long as I did. But as I did, I think my irritation kind of mounted.

And then I think I was almost kind of revelling in how annoyed I was by how bad he was and how self-absorbed he was. So I kept listening to it. And also because he has some good guests. But then I hit a threshold where I thought, I can't put myself through this anymore. I don't even know why I am putting myself through this.

I find this man so annoying. So that is who I would not want to be on an island with. Because he'd just talk about himself. You'd be like, I'm on an island. We're all going through our own shit. And then you'd have Dax Shepard talking about how he was abused as a child, which obviously is awful. But all the time, you'd have Dax Shepard talking about how he was abused as a child, which obviously is awful, but all the time you'd be like,

look, I've just been stung by a, I don't know, a tarantula or whatever they have on those islands and my arm is going to have to be chopped off. This is a hard time. And you'd have Dax Shepard talking about his trauma. No, no, thank you. Awful. Really annoying man. I know exactly the the sort of i haven't listened to his podcast but there's another one that i'm thinking of

that's very similar that used to just sometimes it would be 20 minutes before the guest would actually get to say a word and i just thought yeah do you want to just interview yourself next week is that just because it feels like it would be a better fit for you you know yeah yeah um i mean someone like that on the island would just be unbearable it's such a fine line isn't it when you're with interviews because it's like i don't mind hearing a bit about the host's life but yeah completely but after a while you're like yeah i'm not i think i'd rather just find another podcast with this guest yes well it's like adam buxton's brilliant because he kind of uh he interviews and then he does talk a bit about himself but it's always it's it's the right balance it's kind of funny

where you do it you're right it's not just dac shepherd it's where the whoever the guest is kind of feels like um like part of the furniture they're just there i just feel that dac shepherd is using it to explore himself and talk about himself and he's like oh Gwyneth Paltrow's here great I can talk about my own marriage and you're like I don't want to hear about your marriage Dax no I want to hear about it I want to hear about Gwyneth Paltrow's unconscious coupling yeah and goop and all the mad shit that she's into yeah and I want to make judgments on that person maybe I don't know I suppose it's hard if it's like a performer you know he's an actor and stuff so maybe it's just it's so hard to switch off him

you know it's like right and it's my podcast now but it's hard for him to actually not still be the center of it because it is him he is a performer yeah it is his podcast but it's yeah but you've got to interview the guest it's's not quite the same. Well, also, I guess because, you know, if we're being fair to Dax Shepard, he obviously has had a lot of trauma, so he's been to a lot of therapy. But the problem is, is you can tell, you can tell he's been to a lot of therapy and you can tell he really likes sort of exploring

why he does things and, oh, I did this. And, oh, and I just think that's because I was unhappy that he just uses his guests for that as well they're all they're all basically famous unwitting therapists for hire yeah to come in and listen to dac shepherd's problems no thank you there's something about that type of person like obviously we should all talk about problems therapy is great you know that's my caveat at the beginning um but you know i have had therapy i have enjoyed it i've enjoyed it you know it's been useful but like i know people who work in that sort of area or have had it themselves and it's like you're having a very normal conversation as soon as you start talking about anything a bit bad there's like a real instant change they kind of lean in and it gets very serious and like you get the sad eyes and you're

like yeah all right i think you're kind of enjoying this bit a little bit like rather than just being a mate when i'm telling you about some bad stuff that's happened you know you're kind of like oh right now now i'm gonna help you and you're like no just can we just carry on having a drink like normal people and talking like normal people and you just get that real thing you know yeah also just on a very very superficial level i just think it'd be annoying having to call someone dax all the time it just i think it is jarring it's a stupid name let's call it what it is sorry to any daxes who are listening but what like you call a dog dax even in fact i wouldn't even call my

dog dax i'd call maybe like some kind of lime scale remover dax you're right that is what it would be it'd be a cleaning product like sillet bang dax sif jif you know all that it's uh yeah i think that it's maybe it's just maybe it's our fault for being, you know, British. And it's just the sort of that level of kind of sincerity and Daxness is just is just just runs contra to everything we sort of been brought up to believe. You're right. It's because it's so American. It's so it's so American. It's so this kind of like, yeah. And I just felt like I was lost but then i then i

was found it's that kind of stuff that i think is brits really makes us clench our buttocks yeah that's what i think i've realized he's also the host of top gear america which uh you know is he didn't know that makes it even worse definitely i't want him on now I mean I don't know if that makes him similar to Clarkson but you know maybe it's completely different but there you go

so it's yeah another thing against him there okay well Dax is going to be there on the island with you over analysing

you and himself so it'll be interesting to see how he gets on with the other people on the island so who's the next person joining you? the next person joining you?

The next person is Amanda Holden. Great. Okay. Now, what is it about Amanda Holden that winds you up so much? She's just so, she's so pleased with herself. And she's so smug. And also, she's done some stuff on TV where i've gone oh you're not you're not very nice actually you're not very nice but you present yourself as this sort of nice real person but

you're not you're not nice if she listens to the show i'm sorry amanda but that's what i feel like she um she did i think also actually i mean I wouldn't want to be on a desert island with any of the Britain's Got Talent uh people because it's horrible I mean those programs are all kind of grim because it's uh you know as an I trained as an actor and going into auditions is horrible it's horrible because it's very kind of it's always very emotionally exposing anyway doing kind of acting in front of uh people who are silently judging you and that's what they do they sit and silently judge you and uh and put that on tv and have all these people and then they give you open feedback or they make horrible expressions no don't want

any of those guys on an island um but amanda holden like i remember once she with the do you remember when susan boyle went on and they all it was all sort of hyped up because the begin with they were like oh who is this frumpy scottish lady and then she opened her voice and she opened her voice she opened her voice she opened her mouth and sung and they were blown away by how amazing she was but then I remember she went on a um tv show soon after she went to Graham Norton or something and actually it was I can't remember what show it was but she she was just rude about Susan Boyle she was kind of making fun of her and I just thought oh you're horrid you're everything

that sort of people who sit on a panel and judge people, everything that's wrong with them yeah I agree, I think one of the things that Britain's got talent judges is that so few of them have a proper talent

I know that presenting is hard and not everyone can do it and you know when it's done properly but i'd be fucking awful at being a tv presenter and i'm stuttery and rambly and terrible so you know there is that but they don't they don't even present it they just sit there and judge anton deck's presenting it yeah and they're doing a good job they're great but you're not trying to find the next generation of judges you're trying to find the next generation of singers and performers and dancers and you can't do any of that

so if you watch Strictly and sometimes you think oh well that was a good dance oh the judges think otherwise well I guess they know what they're talking about because they're the fucking experts I don't know what what does she what does she do

she's always been a presenter is there is there anything else no she's not she's not really a presenter she is an she was an actress oh that's right

because I just forget now what she's you know and now she just does TV stuff but also she does I'll tell, I'll tell you what, another thing that really put me off her. Sorry, this is so ranty,

but then I guess this is the time to rant, isn't it? Yes, absolutely, your forum. She, when Talisa had a, there was a sex tape of Talisa from N-Dubs. I don't know if you remember Talisa from N-Dubs. Of course. Back in the day. And it was released and it was really awful

because she was only 18 when the video was done and it was her ex-boyfriend who basically put it up as kind of a revenge porn. And it shows how kind of far we've come because I feel like if that happened now, everyone would be fully on Talisa's side and go, this is really horrible. But as it was, she was kind of very kind of mocked and vilified and I remember Amanda Holden doing an interview where she was like oh

yes I've seen the sex tape I sent it over to Alicia and we had a good laugh and I thought you're this is oh it's so cruel you're laughing at this 18 year old girl he was having sex with her boyfriend I didn't realize he was filming it just mad yeah that's really mad she can get it she can get in the bin yeah i mean i i am when i was thinking of who to put on an island i did you know i was initially looking at piers morgan and i thought but you know what the problem with piers morgan is i reckon he can be really charming and i'm actually very easily charmed someone's nice to me doesn't it doesn't matter what their views are so i reckon i'd be on an island with pierce morgan i'd be like awful pierce morgan

awful man was awful feels about making and then he'd start being all charming and then i'd probably end up falling in love with him and then because there was nobody else on the island you know we'd probably have children and then we'd be found and i'd be piers morgan's like island lover awful that would be so i couldn't risk that happening no but i mean just to sort of just to allow your conscience slightly he has been heavily covered in this podcast before so don't worry he hasn't got away with it that's okay um yeah amanda holden i just think like you know there's there's certain uh presenters or people in the media who you kind of think oh you know they seem there's there's the superficial level of them and then you kind of think i wonder what they're like we hear something about them yeah oh that's a shame because they seem really nice with amanda holden yeah it's not

very hard to imagine that like it's all just a giant facade. I can just imagine her face contorting into rage very quickly. Yeah, completely. And also, I now... I don't want to get sued or anything, but when she first came to prominence, she was a contestant on Blind Date. She was a contestant on Blind Date.

Really? Yeah. she was a contestant on blind date she's contestant on blind day really yeah and a friend of my parents worked at center parks which was where she went you know where they was always like they're like oh you could either win a trip to the maldives or center parks and then it would get center parks and they'd be like oh no she went to central center parks and apparently she was really me she was really mean to the guide she was really mean to all of the staff. That's what she said. Oh, wow.

So it wasn't... I mean, in a way, it's better that she was always mean than, like, there was nice and then fame changed her. Yeah, that fame made her that way. But, I mean, at the same time, it's not really exactly... It's not exactly like a saving grace. It's like, oh, no, but she's always been horrible. She's always been bloody awful yeah well i can

imagine her having quite sincere conversations with dax as well um you know that you're not going to be part of it yeah they'd be awful together oh it's already quite uncomfortable which is exactly what we're after so this is superb work already rosie um now uh who's going to be the third person joining uh it's going to be the third person joining him uh it's going to be uh jordan peterson okay jordan peterson and um i mean there's some yeah there's some quite abrasive characters here right i mean this is really good i'm gonna go and have to hide and live in the bushes i'm feral i think with these choices you're gonna have quite a lot of support i reckon it will be fairly evenly matched i think you'll be okay what is it about jordan then that grinds your gears um i think i mean he is i mean obviously

he peddles a lot of crap um like he said stuff like uh um that incels were because you know if women if women sort of gave out a lot more and were willing to have sex with less attractive men there wouldn't be incels um so he said some stupid stuff but it's not really that i don't mind him saying crap stuff i think it's that he the way he dresses up it's this kind of oh i'm incredibly smart this kind of pseudo pseudo intellectualism i'm so calm and he did i remember once there was a very infamous interview he did with kathy newman where um and it was it was very bad for us people who don't like jordan peterson because he came across in it quite well because she was basically very angry she was like she'd obviously read all of his stupid views she was like i'm gonna

fucking oh i said that was i got so excited the candle fell off she's she read all of his stupid views she was like i'm gonna fucking oh that was that was i got so excited the candle fell off she's she obviously kind of got into it being like i'm gonna fucking destroy this piece of misogynistic shit and all his stupid fucking views but she was kind of overexcited and i think she um so she kind of inaccurately quoted some of his stuff. And he is, you know, for all his faults, he does. He's very good at giving the veneer of being intelligent, but also he knows what he said. So he was able to go, well, no, I didn't quite say that. And so he came across quite well in it.

But then what he did afterwards was he had a podcast and he took this interview and he went through it step by step so he took like he played like two minutes of the interview and then he'd do a long thing about what she did wrong and why he was won this argument why it's so great oh that's so weird that's such a psychopathic behavior isn't it yeah and it's just oh god all these horrible jordan peterson fans listening to this being like oh yeah oh we want to revel in this fact that he won this argument so much we want to hear our hour of him talking it through and about why he was great why it was great, why it was great. That was really painful. Oh, man. Really painful. I mean, that's such a weird, like, imagine sort of, you know, we all play back things that happen to us and, you know, you have an interaction with someone

and it goes a bit of a different direction. You might have a little analyse it all in your head and think about it. But to, like, sit there and just the level of self-importance to go, people are going to want to hear this like and and the sad thing is they obviously fucking do yeah I don't know who's thinking oh great I really want to hear Jordan's analysis on his own interview like it's such a weird thing

like that isn't it I just I don't care about anyone that much yeah even people I really like I'm like I don't I don't want to listen to that much analysis of you you know yeah yeah bizarre and you're right it's so it's so self-important i think that's what it is which yeah i suppose it's quite is it no i don't think it is admirable it's something i mean it's something isn't it it's something but all of these things come to a point it's like yeah self-belief is important but not when it's so sort of skewed that you think that everything that you do is interesting and people want to hear follow-ups on and it's yeah let people make up their fucking minds and and you know you're saying he's not even just sort of giving his viewpoint

he's sort of talking about how she was wrong or how she did badly as well. And it's like, so that's just so petty. It's not like, oh, listen, I did this interview. I think I didn't really come across properly or I didn't really, you know, I just want to elaborate on a few things that I said. Instead of doing that and just sort of going, well, here was her first mistake.

Fuck off. Oh, so bad. Also, I think the thing i don't like about him is i think he's so humorless i don't like can't take people who've got no humor and you could tell he's humorless because he wrote underneath recently that elon musk was really funny he said oh he'll a musk you make me laugh man or something like that and i thought anyone who's looking Elon Musk and going this guy absolute riot is is uh stupid and I don't know how clever they're supposed to be they're stupid and I have no time for them yeah yeah yeah if you if you're saying that Elon Musk if you're publicly saying that Elon Musk is funny you're saying that Elon Musk, if you're publicly saying that Elon Musk is funny, you're after something.

Yes. Well, you see what happened is Elon Musk reinstated him on Twitter. So he'd been permanently suspended because he'd written something nasty about the actor Elliot Page. And Elon Musk has put off part of Elon Musk's thing, putting back Donald Trump and Kanye. And he put back Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson was like, yay, I'm back.

And also, isn't Elon Musk funny? And also, can I have a Tesla, please? Can I have a Tesla, please? Give me a Tesla. But also these guys, these kind of pseudo-intellectual right-wing free speech guys they're so predictable you can kind of predict what they're you know if something happens what their opinion is going to be on it you're like well i know what you're going to say in this you you act like you're kind of really open-minded and that you see things differently and you don't take

the the the kind of popular view but actually I know what view you're going to take because it's completely unoriginal. You're really unoriginal. Not you, but... I am fairly unoriginal. You're not unoriginal. But Jordan Peterson is unoriginal in thought. That's what I'd say. Yeah.

Yeah, I think, fair enough. And God, just imagining him and Dax Shepard and Amanda Holden together, just the level of self-importance is going to be... It's too much. Oof. Just horrendous. I mean, you're just going to have to go and kill yourself.

I think so. Sometimes on this island, I think it's, you know, we talk about, like, you know, could you kill these people or take them? But I just think it's too much. You're just going to have to go and dispose of yourself somehow. I think so. I mean, it's funny because as I've gone on i've actually gone actually dax shepherd's probably the nicest of the bunch because i think dax shepherd is essentially a nice person um so i think what

i'd end up having to do is actually team up with dax and just listen to him talk about himself all the time which is not not great but i guess it's it's preferable you know yeah yeah making the best of a bad situation very admirably you're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from lips and ads choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a reproduced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target audience with Lipson Ads. Go to lipsonads.com now. That's L-I-B-S-Y-N ads.com. OK, well, look, Rosie, we're going to move on now because mercifully amongst the wreckage of the plane, there was some food and drink left over. Unfortunately for you, it's your least favorite food and drink in the world.

What are they and why are they so bad i found this really difficult because i love food there's very little food i don't like and you know i was thinking well i'm not keen on burgers because everyone's like you're not keen on burgers i just i'm not but then i thought i don't hate burgers I think though the food that I would not want is shepherd's pie interesting okay and now I end up eating this a lot in my house because I have two small boys and and it's like very easy to feed them lots of shepherd's pie so I end up having it about once a week but um I mean it's an interesting one because it sort of seems fairly innocuous on the surface i'm curious to see what your what your thoughts are uh childhood trauma um my my dad

so my dad is a really really good cook um but he has a sort of rotation of of meals that he does um and one of his favorite meals is shepherd's pie and so he used to cook this all the time and all his other meals were amazing and he did a good shepherd's pie but it was just too much and no one else liked it but in the house so he'd cook it and we'd be like why no one wants shepherd's pie and he'd get sort of hurt but he'd still really he'd still continue sort of inflicting it on the family but also we were lucky it was great cookie cook stuff but it was just it was just that shepherd's pie being wheeled out again and again and then in lockdown one I went back to stay with

my parents and me and my younger brother were there and then dad really wanted to uh dad was doing most of the cooking. But the thing was, you know, occasionally my brother would go, look, dad, I'll cook. And my dad would not like that because my dad likes doing the cooking. He likes to be in control of the meals. But we absolutely refused to have shepherd's pie. We wouldn't let him cook it. And then one time he was so upset.

And then one time he cooked, it really sweet cooked everyone a meal but then he cooked himself a little miniature shepherd's pie that he could sit and eat on his own but yeah that meal i just it just makes me think of um i think it's just the childhood memories of going no it's here again and i don't like the the texture it's weird it's just like sort of a mash with but with like all this kind of soppy meat at the bottom i don't like it it's weird i feel like something that someone made up and got excited about and they shouldn't they should be ashamed yeah do you know what so my father-in-law is and for him, it's like the worst dish you could possibly have. He's right.

Yeah, because Chinese food, you know, you'll have loads of different dishes on the table, even at home. You know, you'll have like several things to eat, and they're all different textures and all different flavours. And he's just like, I came to this country, and you've just put it all in one thing. And what the fuck is wrong with you people you know and from that point of view i can see you know coming from that angle what he has against it it's of i was just talking to uh ryan sampson on another episode and he was saying how much he hated trifle and even though i like shepherd's pie it's kind of like a savory trifle and it's like let's just put it all in one thing no huge texture changes you know so i i sort

of get where you're coming from i mean i i as i say i eat it a lot these days but i'm getting to the point where like it was a real i thought oh this is quite a nice hearty and it's quite a satisfying thing to sort of make for your family and you put it down it is hearty yeah but yeah i mean i'm getting quite bored of it now and it's getting a bit annoying. So yeah, I can see where you're coming from. Your father-in-law's right. It's just all the text, it's all the things in one pot. No, why is it all together like that?

Don't trust him. Also, on an island, I mean, it's a very incongruous island food, isn't it? Just sitting there with your shepherd's pie, you know, like sunburned. It's like a big slab of shepherd's pie. Yeah, you're right. It'd be the worst thing when you're really, really hot and then you get given a shepherd's pie. No.

Fair enough. No, thank you. Okay, then. What are you going to wash it down with then? What's your drink choice? Again, this is quite difficult. So I'm going to choose a drink which it's not that I don't like it. In fact, I love it, but it's a dick.

Like it's a dick to me. And that is coffee. I love coffee. I adore it. But I'm someone who suffers from migraines. And my migraines are really debilitating. Like they go on for about two days and I'm vomiting in a bucket. And they were always a nightmare because I think people don't really understand migraines.

So if I'd say I can't come into work today, they'd be like, oh. And then I come in the next day and they go, oh, so you were drunk too much. And I'd be like, no. And then for years, my brother, who's a doctor, was going, you need to give up coffee or at least cut down. So I cut down, it doesn't make any difference. And then two years ago, no, I lose all sense of time with the pandemic.

About a year and a half ago, I gave up caffeine and it completely changed my life. I just stopped getting these debilitating migraines i still you know sometimes get very bad headaches and if i'm really stressed i'll get a migraine but it was but it won't be as bad as they were and they're so infrequent so um it would be so cruel if the only drink available was like coke or coffee or something i'd be going no cruel well i'm gonna have to drink you but i'm gonna be big throwing up in a bucket awful oh man that's really annoying that the thing because most things that make us ill we also hate so it's easy to avoid

isn't it but the thing that you love is oh that's really harsh really harsh yeah and all caffeine as well christ yeah yeah all caffeine wow i never knew they worked like that but um yeah god just to have that because after a while you're going to be really tempted as well you think oh well i'm fucking stuck here i'm bored i feel like shit like oh a nice coffee that'll that'll take me away some coffee nice some nice uh nice memories of my past things i used to enjoy you know a nice coffee that'll that'll take me away to coffee nice some nice uh nice memories of my past things i used to enjoy you know a nice little coffee on the beach away from all these cunts but but then yeah then you're debilitated and you'll have someone like amanda holden telling you how to get over it or like jordan peterson saying they don't really exist or something like that

you know yeah a dachshund telling me about the time that he vomited. Awful. Oh, man, yeah. That's awful. Like, to sort of have that, yeah, to not be able to have something that you love like that is a real stinker. Oh, man. Okay, well, we'll move on now,

because fortunately you won't be without entertainment on the island. The Plains Entertainment System continues to work, but just your luck it only has two working settings one is your least favorite film of all time and the other is your least favorite song what are they and why my least favorite film of all time is he's not that into you which is a rom-com from about, oh God, how long ago? Like 10 years, about 10 years, 15 years old. And it's got Scarlett Johansson, Bradley Cooper. It's got, you know, one of those casts which has got everybody in.

And it's such an insulting rom-com. I hate it so much. I remember going to see it in the cinema. I've only seen it once, but it once was enough, enough obviously and i saw it and at the end my friend turned and she went oh i love that and i was like are you kidding that film was horrible it was a horrible horrible film the whole concept of the film is that women are not good at picking up on the fact that guy you know they'll be like why doesn't this guy call me why doesn't oh why doesn't he just pick up the phone like we thought we got on really well and actually it's because they're being stupid and uh yes it it's sort of this idea that women

are all stupid and so desperate for love that they won't pick up on the signs that men aren't interested in them and it makes women out to be so stupid so there's this scene where and I might maybe I might have misremembered it some of it because it's been a while but um it was Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Hanson talking and Scarlett Hanson has met Bradley Cooper and they really vibe but Bradley Cooper is married to Jennifer Connelly so Scarlett is like I've met this guy um but he's married and Drew Barrymore goes oh oh that's not great and she goes but there is I have this friend and she met this guy and he was married and actually they ended up having a really great relationship and now they're still together and they're married and they have kids.

And what it's trying to say is that women will try and say anything to make their friend feel better. And go, oh no, I've got this friend who that happened to. And Scarlett Hansen goes, oh, okay. Oh, maybe I will sleep with this married man. And I thought, no female friend. If I sat with my female friend and she was like, I've met this guy. Oh my God, we're really vibing but he's married i'd go oh well i don't don't go there you know no no actual friend would be in the right mind be like oh yeah go for it it was just this idea that oh good old stupid

women were like oh no no maybe it could work because i know this one person who it works for no no one would do that we're all stupid and then meanwhile poor old jennifer connelly who's the wronged wife is it's supposed to be like that she's not picking up on the signs that he's no longer interested in her and i'm like they're married they're married come on yeah i hated it it's a horrible film that's what i think it's such a weird thing isn't it like yeah um so well obviously he's married so um you know if if if you slept with him you'd be sort of potentially ruining his marriage and also then you'd know that your partner is someone who would cheat on a on a family so also probably not a great sign but uh you know i really want to make you feel better as a friend so you know here's a

green light yeah yeah yeah it's it's mad because it feels like there was a real like rash of these films for a while like they were just sort of churning them out and maybe this was the sort of zenith because yeah the cast isn't i've just looked it up and you've got scarlett hanson uh bradley cooper jennifer anderson ben affleck uh jennifer connelly like i mean it's a lot of people, but it's... Yeah. Yeah, it's just... Yeah, Drew Barrymore. I mean, it's a weird one as well, because, like, I mean, I don't want to generalise,

but traditionally films like this are aimed at women. Yeah. So it seems to, you know, if most of your audience are watching it and it's like, oh, let's go and watch a girly film, to then say to your audience, you're all a bit weird. Yeah. I don't know, was it made by a team of sort of like weird male directors

who are like, for the last time, will you just get it through your fucking heads? Yeah. I don't know. I felt like it wouldn't surprise, I think it was made by women who hate women. Like it was just very finger waggy. I mean, there was another film called called the ugly truth which again with starring

katherine heigl which i think killed her hollywood career and that again was something where it was like do you hate women and that was again i think that was written and produced by women and i just thought what's going what's going on here come on come on ladies don't don't give us all this rubbish what's the one with mel gibson where he can understand he can oh what women want yeah and like so that was sort of before then and that was a quite a misogynist take on everything of like oh women just think like this all the time and now i can manipulate them um but that was quite a while before all this sort of stuff so you think like by because this is 10 years ago i know a lot's changed in the last decade but it still just seems like a really odd premise for a film and an odd attitude to take

yeah so yeah i think jordan peterson will probably quite enjoy it i think all of those three would enjoy that film you know i think they'd all sit and watch it every night yeah okay and uh well let's try some music to take your mind off it. What would your song choice be? Oh, I don't know. I think it's a bit old school, but I think, because you know, there's always those films that, films, sorry, those songs that kind of get in your head and then you get them stuck in your head

and you don't like them. And I remember the first song that happened to me where it was stuck in my head and I couldn't get it out and I hated it so much. And it was simply read, Fairground. This is going back some time. Oh, God. But I remember it. It was like, I think it was number one for ages.

And it was just always stuck in my head. And I thought he was so creepy. I didn't trust him. And his voice was, like, I know he's got a great voice but he does this sort of like it's quite a creepy song he's like and you're like what are you doing I feel like you're about

you're like a scary clown that's about to jump on someone and so it freaked me out but also it was a real earworm that was the thing I didn't like it but also it got stuck in my head and i feel that if it got played on the island it would get stuck in my head again and i just even when it wasn't playing it would be playing in my head yeah it'd be awful yeah it's one of those songs obliterate all memory of other songs i was recently listening to an

alan partridge book audio book and there's a bit in that where Alan Partridge says that when his listeners annoy him by not taking the phone in seriously, as a revenge, he puts on an awful song like Fairground by Simply Red. So even Alan Partridge doesn't like this song. Amazing. Yeah, I remember that coming out. And it's weird because it's got a sort of samba beat as well in the background it's like like the percussion's really at odds with the song you know it just yeah i mean simply read were fucking awful anyway i think and i really bad and he was really creepy

had that weird sort of tooth like with a sort of stone in it didn't he like oh god i forgot about that like a ruby or something in his tooth or something weird like that? And he'd inexplicably get really gorgeous women. So he must have been very charming. She went out with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Did he? Fucking hell. Yeah. Wow.

And I think he ended up dumping her. He dumped Catherine Zeta-Jones. Wow. Wow. Insane. Yeah, that is insane. Yeah, he just looks like, I mean mean he sort of looks like someone that you might find hanging around at a fairground like back in the day you know that's so true but he's yeah it's

just such a weird mix of like i just find it weird why you'd settle on simply red if you like that kind of music there's so much yeah you know like if you like soulful music there's so much good soul music with actual soul that it's like why did you why did you settle on that then that's that seems a strange one like oh you really like simply read i've just got to go over there for a minute yeah it's just bizarre yeah and fairground is like i feel like it was towards the tail end of things with them like it wasn't quite as ballady and slow but yeah it really stuck in your head for a long time so and uh and i'd forgotten about it so now it's back in my life and um and i can think of no better thing to do with it and just send it to an island forever yes yes that's right unfortunately you

have to go with it. Oh. Okay, well, look, we're going to relieve you of your duties of picking hateful things very shortly because, Rosie, finally the island is overrun by the biggest dick of all the animals. Which animal is it and why? So I'm sure you've had this animal on before, but then to be fair, it's because it's such a dick. But it's rats okay

hate rats yeah and um how horrible to have an island overrun by rats yeah have you have you had any particular experiences with rats or is it just generally just that yeah they so i grew up in the country and we used to get rats and so i remember my parents would put rat poison out and then you'd see these big dead rats and um this one time we were looking after a friend's rabbit and it was one of those hutches that you know that are that are kind of on the grass and basically the rat buried its way inside the rabbit hutch and um so it was stuck in the rabbit hutch with this poor rabbit and then it kept trying to sort of um bite the rabbit so the rabbit was sort of like shivering in the corner and then we were trying to kind of working out how to get it out

and then it would try and bite us and it was just so unpleasant and they're just so horrible and I also there's a Stephen King short story that was made into a film I can't remember what it was called but basically it was just about rats it was about this giant rat and the film was just so grim because it's literally just this

guy and I think they're working like down a mine or something and they're just always coming across loads of loads of rats so by the time the big reveal there's this big monster rat i was like i already feel sick i feel sick i've had to watch this grim film with all these rats i like i like horror movies but i just if no if they've got disgusting rats in them please no and there's just the fact their little teeth and their big thick tails just oh they're just so upsetting i just don't like them yeah i think i mean your argument is very strong against rats and i think this is very fair i mean so full

disclosure when i was at uni my flatmate really wanted to get like a house pet yeah and the consensus was that a couple of pet rats would be the thing right but they were like they were they were quite small they were black and white and that they were brilliant pets right they were like really clean really intelligent just like really nice little things but those in my head are a completely different animal to like the outside rats yeah right yeah you know because i've seen them in the street and i remember seeing one uh in india and i swear to god it was the size of a fucking rabbit it was so big and i think and it was somewhere where like i was walking down towards like the end of an alley or something to get in a door and i can't get away from you you have to run past me to escape like and i don't i can't leave you enough room you know you know

the thing about elephants being scared of mice yeah it's like a thing where like they're not scared of them but it's such a mammalian response like if something small runs at you you have to just jump it's just in our nature even if you're a fucking elephant if they see something scurry towards them yeah and so and it absolutely like deals with that part of us it's like it's so inbuilt into our genetics and our dna that you can't really escape it so seeing them out and about and also i mean like you with the film thing i remember like being exposed to the film um 1984 way too young oh yeah and I'm not gonna say if you know the book or the film you'll know that scene and like I mean that haunted me for so long I mean that is just yeah so I think it's a very fair thing to be you know it's one thing having a couple of lovely tame rats in a cage that you can take out and stroke.

But, like, an island with loads of the fuckers, I think, is a very different ballgame entirely. And I can tell it's making you incredibly uncomfortable just talking about it. Yeah, I don't like it. We can move on. We can move on. Look, Rosie, you've done a superb job. There are no more scenarios to imagine. So we're out the other side and you're safe now.

Let's talk about good things. You've got a tour. Yes, a tour beginning of March all around the UK. Though as some people sort of tweet me, they're like, well, you're not coming to this place, but coming to lots of places. So that's very exciting. So yeah, that's my next thing

really cool which is good and obviously you know you're on youtube we can see loads of your videos and stuff on twitter all the time as well it's updated all the time yes good place to keep up with everything going on yeah so i'm at rosie as a halt and i um people who don't know i do sort of political satire but i usually just pretend to be a tory mp and insert myself into existing uh news news footage and uh everyone thinks it's real and gets angry but it's it's quite fun and silly and great yeah yeah you must have a lot of people just getting the wrong end of the stick like even if you just read in the comments it's very confusing place to be but yeah superb work and uh thank you so much for coming on Desert Island Dicks today it's

been an absolute pleasure thank you very much thanks for having me so there you go desert island dicks with rosie holt there i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did recording it desert island dicks was a sync clap production it was dreamt up and produced by james deacon produced and presented by me dan benedictus and with unwavering support from john deacon that's james's dad and we also get occasional editing support from Chris Attaway. When we've had a good month, then we can bung him a few quid to do the editing for us. Hopefully we'll be able to do that again soon, because I find editing quite laborious and he's much better at it than I am. Anyway, thanks again to all of you who've listened.

We'll be back after Christmas. Don't forget to give us a rating and a review. And if you'd like to have your say on who and what you think is a dick let us know at dickspod.com contact that's dickspod.com contact and we could include your choices in a future episode right that's it for me merry christmas you filthy animals